Desperate Housewives S5E6 Script

There's Always a Woman (2008)

Previously on...

We had an agreement to keep things casual.

Susan made her feelings clear.

So if I was with another woman, that wouldn't bother you? No, it wouldn't.

You work here?

I'm great with food. I understand business.

Bree made Orson a partner.

Is she still asking you questions about me? A few.

And Dave took steps to get Karen McCluskey out of the way.

You think you can screw with me?

Karen! Stop doing that.

As a masseur for the Fairview country club, Carlos Solis had become an expert on how to make women happy.

That's why he always had scented candles waiting for sue Bridges...

New age music for Betsy Daniel...

And apple schnapps for Shannon Glenn.

Yes, Carlos had made a lot of women happy over the years.

But on one very unusual Wednesday afternoon...

He made Mrs. Virginia hildebrand a little happier...

Than he intended.

Helen said your last reservation just canceled.

Do you want a ride home? Thanks, Clay. That'd be great.

Um... can I ask you something? How long you been a masseur?

14 years.

Okay. And in all those years...

Have you ever accidentally given a woman...

An orgasm? An orgasm?!

Keep your voice down. You want to get me fired?

How do you accidentally give a woman an orgasm? I don't know.

I can barely give my girlfriend one, and I try really hard.

All I did was touch her back.

Are you sure?

Some of these old broads... Their bodies drop.

Not everything's where it's supposed to be.

I may be blind, but my sense of touch is just fine.

Well, then maybe she just really liked the massage.

You wouldn't believe the moaners I get on my table. I'm telling you, her body was quivering, and she could barely breathe.

All right, well, there's one sure-fire way to find out.

Where's your tip envelope? On the counter.

How much she leave me?

Enough for two orgasms.


Carlos Solis was an expert on how to make women happy.

I'm about to go get groceries. Where are your tips?

Oh, my god! How did you get so much?

And he knew the best way to keep his wife happy...

Just... good at my job.



Was to lie.

There are dangerous women in this world...

Devious predators waiting to strike.

You can spot them by the lipstick they use, the shoes they wear and the perfume they choose.

But the easiest way to spot a dangerous woman is to see how she behaves...

I am about to make you so happy.

With another woman's husband.

Amy, don't worry about the lunch specials.

I am only two blocks away. I'll take care of it once I...

Actually, you do them. I'm gonna be a while.


H... Lynette, hey. What... what are you doing here?

So funny. I was gonna ask you the same question.

But I was gonna start with "what the hell?"

You remember Anne, right? Anne schilling.

Kirby's mom.

We were room parents together in the third grade.


So... what the hell?

Tom, why don't we just show her?

It's for my band.

Anne has been helping us find a rehearsal space.

Oh. Oh.

That's right. You're a realtor.

Now I know what you're thinking. It seems like a waste of money.

But I just got them to reduce the rent and throw in the utilities.

And you're always complaining about the noise when we practice in the garage, so, you know...

What do you think?

I think...

It's great.

You do?

Yeah. Ah!



Listen, I have to be somewhere by 10:00, so why don't we sign a lease right now?

Wow! I-I was convinced that you would think it was a dumb idea.

Well... it's a little dumb, but compared to what I was thinking...

What were you thinking?

Well, it's just...

I saw you two together, and I...

I didn't know that you were... And she looks so...

For god sakes, Tom, the woman has to be somewhere.

Just sign the damn lease.

So out of nowhere, Jackson says, "let's move in together."

I-I mean, of course I was stunned.

And then when I said no, he just broke up with me.

I mean, does he really expect me to be in love after just five months? That's crazy.

Yeah, I guess, although his work on these moldings is amazing.

You really want me to repaint these, Suzanne?

It's Susan.

And he was the first one to say he didn't want to get serious.

Which is why I was happy. We were just having fun.

Well, maybe you should call him.

How do you like this color? Not so much.

Frank, how can I call him?

He's the one that ended it with me.

Look, the guy makes you happy.

He says he loves you.

You gonna let pride stop you from finding out where this thing could go?

Come on.

Don't be stupid.

How much am I paying you?

$14 an hour.

That's not enough.

No, ma'am, it's not.

Carlos, what are you doing home?

Uh, Virginia insisted on giving me a ride.

You must be Gabrielle.

Carlos has told me so much about you.

I'm Virginia hildebrand.

Oh! You are the Mrs. Hildebrand.

Well, you're Carlos' favorite client.


Well, mine, anyway.

I bought this top with that crazy tip you gave him.

Your Carlos has helped my back problems like no masseur I have ever had.

I'm pain-free for the first time in years.

Oh, that's Carlos for you. Mr. Magic hands.

He hits the ol' sweet spot every time.

Okay, Gaby.

I should go now, but promise you'll at least consider my little proposal.

What proposal?

I hate to stop when we're making so much progress, but I need to go to Europe for two months, mostly London and Rome.

I'd be so grateful if Carlos were to accompany me as my personal masseur.

Two whole months?

See? I told you. It's too long, and Gaby has the girls and...

I know it's a lot to ask, which is why I'm offering Carlos $50,000.


Per month.

Well, pip-pip and arrivederci!

Gaby. I'll leave you two to discuss it.

Well, uh, what's to discuss? For that kind of money, you can lock him in a cage and feed him peanuts.

I'll see you tomorrow, Carlos. Lovely meeting you, Gaby.

Carlos, don't even think about saying no to this!

She is not my only client.

I'll be letting down the rest if I go.

Mr. Banks could even fire me. Oh, don't worry about Mr. Banks. I'll take care of him.

Gaby! And so what if he fires you?

Once Virginia tells all of her rich lady friends about what you did for her, they'll be lining up around the block.


Hey, great news.

I just got a call from my old friend, Peter hickey.

I don't recall ever hearing that name before.

He's a friend from college. Anyway, he mentioned that his parents' 50th anniversary was next month, and I convinced him to let us cater it. Dinner for 80.


He shoots, he scores!

Orson! You are amazing!


One week on the job, and he's already bringing in huge accounts.

That's great.

Well, better go marinate those scallops for the lunch tomorrow.

Oh, scallops? Done.


Mm. Oh, I also made the Pesto mayonnaise, and I put the individual cobblers in their ramekins.

Oh. Well, it looks like we're all set until the morning then.

Hey, why don't you, uh, take the afternoon off? And do what?

I don't know... read, relax, give yourself a pedicure.


What do you bet I take my socks off and see Orson's already done it for me?

What are you doing?

Refrigerator needs cleaning.

No, it doesn't.

And besides, I gave you the day off. Now go home.

I'm thinking about moving to Maryland.


Mm-hmm. Dylan's there with her husband, and the baby's coming soon.

Maybe it's time for me to go inflict myself on them. You can't just up and move.

You have a life here. No, I don't. I have a job... period.

No kids to raise, no husband, no boyfriend.

Might as well throw in the towel and... go be a grandma.

Katherine, you are a vibrant, attractive woman. You...

Who hasn't had sex in two years.

That spells "grandma" to me.

I haven't made up my mind yet. Just let me think about it.

And help keep me busy.

When you're done with that, the oven could use a really good scrubbing.

Bless you.


Oh. Those must've set you back a chunk.

Yes, they did...

Not that you deserve them.

I don't blame you for being mad.

I'm not mad.

I'm furious.

Now what the hell were you thinking, coming at my husband with a baseball bat?

I know. I'm really sorry, Edie.

The doctor had me on these new meds, and it made me loopy.

I thought Dave was messing with my head, and all the time, it was the damn pills.

Well, I hope you stopped taking them.

You bet.

I had to get my marbles back.

Uh, look, I know you just got here, but I am so sleepy and...

Of course. I'll see you when you get home.

Actually, I'm gonna call my sister and see if I can stay with her for a while.

I don't think I should be on my own just yet.

Okay. Then I'll see you whenever.

Oh, be sure and tell Dave how sorry I am.

He will be so glad.

He's really fond of you, you know.

Oh, come on, come on, come on, come on.

Hey, sis. It's Karen.

Do me a favor and get your sorry ass over to Fairview memorial hospital a.S.A.P.

I need you big-time, kiddo.

Come in.

Hi. I'm looking for Orson Hodge. I'm Peter hickey.

Oh! Yes, of course. Uh, I'm his wife Bree.

I'm afraid he's out running errands, but he's told me all about you.

Oh? Yes. He said you were roommates back in college.

Yes, we were.

Have a seat.

Anyway, my parents' 50th anniversary is coming up, and I thought I'd surprise them with a family reunion.

What a thoughtful son you are.

So, uh, have you given any thought to the venue?

Uh, yes. I have a summer place up in lake pleasant.

Ah, pretty sure the terrace fits eight tables of ten.

My, that's a nice little terrace.

Well, we will throw you a party so special that you'll want us to cater your anniversary, too.

Uh, actually, I'm not married.


Well, let's talk about food.

With a new client, what I usually do is discuss possible menus, and then I have my very best chef prepare a sample dinner.

"Sample dinner"?

We don't do sample dinners.

But this is Orson's college roommate.

And... He's quite the catch!

Oh, wait a minute.

Is this a setup? Because I loathe blind dates.

Well, that's what's so great about it.

Technically, it's a business dinner.

It has all the potential upside of a date while still being tax-deductible.

Fine. I will cook for the man.

But I am not going to get dressed up, I'm not going to put on makeup, and I am not going to flirt.

He came while Orson was out.

I let him record a message on my phone.

Orson, sorry I missed you, buddy.

Catch you next time, okay?

You realize you could have just led with this and saved us this whole discussion?

Jeez, Roberta!

Put that damn thing out. You're not in a corner saloon.

Then how come there's bourbon in my coffee?

Do I have to call a nurse?

Fine. I drove 80 miles to see you, Karen.

You better be dying, or you're gonna pay for my gas.

I'm not dying, but there's someone who sure wishes I was.

Son of a bitch landed me in here.

You tell me where to find him. I'll clean his damn clock.

No, we've got to be careful with this guy.

Mm. He's dangerous.

That's what you said about that biker in Florida who now has to puree all his food.

Hmm, nearly forgot about him.

That was a fun vacation.

So what do you need me to do?

Let me come stay with you when I get outta here.

This guy thinks I'm out of commission, and I want to keep it that way.

And you can help me do some digging.

You still work for that cell phone company? The...

Teleshore. Yes, god help me.

Good. Pull his records and see what turns up.

The name is Dave Williams.

How do you know he's with teleshore? I went through his mail.

God, you remind me of mom.

So what else you need?

Could you smuggle me in a cold brewski?

Boy, no one knows you like family.

Jackson? It's me.


That'll work.


Aah! Aah!

Are you okay?

I think so.


So who the hell are you?

Darcy. Who the hell are you?

Susan, Jackson's girlfriend.

He never said anything about a girlfriend when we hooked up at the club. Well, when guys go slut-hunting, they tend not to play the girlfriend card.

Did you just call me a slut?!

You met the guy tonight. Now you're in his shower.

I'm just doing the math.

Got the pizza. Oh... crap.

So we break up, and 15 minutes later you're with someone else?

You got over me fast.

I'm surprised it took 15 minutes. Stay out of this.

Susan, why are you here?

I wanted to talk about our future.

You... you said you didn't want a future.

Well, I was starting to change my mind, and then I show up and find 5 feet of lip gloss in the shower.

I brought hot wings. You're not getting any.

Hi. What's that for?

Well, I was gonna use it to wash down a bottle of sleeping pills the next time your husband's "band" defiled another rock classic.

But since you got them a rehearsal space, I thought we could share it over ice. Come on in.

Hey. We're taking off.

Remember, I'm spending the night at Kirby's house.

Oh, right. And, Kirby, tell your mom thanks.

That place she found for Tom is already paying off.

Yeah, she said she was there yesterday and said it was looking pretty cool. Sh-she was there? Why?

She was just dropping off some old furniture for Mr. Scavo...

A couple chairs, lamp, futon.


Well, see you tomorrow.

Okay. Drive safely.


Um... neat or rocks?


So why does Tom need a bed in his rehearsal space?

Not a bed... a futon, like a couch. That folds out to a bed.

What are you saying? Well, if it's just a couch, why didn't Tom tell you about it?

How do you know he didn't? I don't. Did he?


Well, good for you.

Good for you for not worrying about your husband's bachelor pad.

You are not the teeniest bit paranoid, and I say brava.

Now why aren't we drinking?


Not bad! I mean, we were really cookin' there.

Tom, you got any beer in the fridge?

I got nothing but beer in the fridge.

All right, everyone, go grab a cold one.

You earned it. You sounded great.

Oh, do we blow. Oh, yeah.

Not you, though.

Man, you got the heart of a real blues guy.

Ah, that's what five years in prison'll do to ya.

Oh, yeah. I heard about that. Still...

It's fun, isn't it?

Highlight of my week.

You know, uh...

I was thinking, maybe we should bump up our rehearsal schedule, you know, to start working the kinks out. Ah, twice a week's about all I can handle.

What are you doing that's more important than this?

Well, let's see. My job, my son.

Uh... also, I just... Met this woman.

Oh, no, dude, not blowing us off for a girl.

Buddy, I just started seeing her, all right?

It's kind of important for the whole "getting back on the horse" thing.

Right, what about Saturday afternoon?

I mean, come on, man. We gotta do this.

Why? You're putting a lot of time and effort into a neighborhood garage band.

Why is it such a big deal to you?

It's not.

I'm... I'm just having a real good time.

All right, boys! What do you say?

We gonna drink beer or we gonna play some rock 'n' roll?

Tom, where are you?

Hey, babe, we just really got into a groove at rehearsal, and I think we're gonna play for a couple more hours.


Anyway, I just wanna say don't wait up for me.

And I will, um, I'll see you in the morning, okay?

Okay. Bye.

Oh, my god.


You said you were rehearsing.

I know. I know.

The guys... the guys left, and I just figured I'd, uh...

Hang out for a little bit.

Why can't you do that at home?

What the hell is this?

You moving out on me?

Why would I move out?

So you can have your affair...

You know, the one that follows the sports car and the garage band and wanting to quit your job, the final stage of your midlife crisis.

Oh, and then...

When I hear Anne schilling has been dropping by...

Lynette! She had a bunch of old, crappy furniture in her garage.

I bought it for 50 bucks.

You don't really think that...


These past few months, when we've been fighting about the car and the road trip, part...

Part of me thought that you were just complaining to complain, trying to ruin my fun.

But if it's affecting you like this, if it's making you actually think that I would hurt you in that way, I'm done with all of this.

So you'll come home?

Of course.

Let me just square all this stuff away, okay?

And then I will see you there.


Maybe when you come home, you could teach me how to play that video game.

That'd be great.


Hey, Clay. Is Mr. Banks around?

Uh, he's not back from lunch yet. What's up?

Oh, I need to sweet-talk him into giving Carlos two months off.

Oh, you two going away somewhere? No, just Carlos.

Mrs. Hildebrand is taking him to Europe as her personal massage therapist.

Personal massage therapist?

Paying him a fortune. But he's worth it.

I mean, what he's done for that woman, no one else has been able to do.

So... he told you about that?

They both did. You should have seen the woman, looking at Carlos, gushing like crazy.

And you're okay with them going away together?

Why should I be jealous?

The woman's, like, 60.

If she gets off on Carlos' magical touch, what do I care?

Yeah. Well, you're broad-minded.

You know, if my girlfriend knew that my massages were giving a woman orgasms, no matter how old she was... whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody used the "o" word.

He didn't mention that?

No! He's giving her orgasms?!

Nah, not deliberately!

Uh, he swears he's only been doing his standard massage.

Oh, I bet he does! Where is he? Is she here now?

Oh, no, no.

She prefers her place, so she's been sending a car for him.

Where? Where does she live?

It's that big house on the corner of lake and pinehurst.

I'm sorry, Gaby. Is there anything I can do?

Hmm. Well, when the time comes, an alibi would be nice.

We need to talk.

Sorry. Bad time.

I have the mailman upstairs in my tub.

You know what?

You have no right to be mad at me.

I don't?

I try to commit to you, and you push me away.

I try to move on, and I'm a shallow jerk, what the hell are you doing?

Yeah, I have been married twice, and both times that's imploded, so really, I feel like...

Love is not my friend.

You know, I-I wish that I could say it was just rotten luck, but...

I just am thinking that...

I can't do this.

You can't?

I-I never even had a real girlfriend before I met you.

I didn't want one.

And the first time I try to commit, bam! I get smacked.

Look, I don't even know where we are anymore.


We really messed this up, didn't we?

Pretty much, yeah.

We just have so much baggage.

I wish we could start over.

Can we start over?


Hi. Uh, is Susan meyer there?

May I ask who's calling?

This is Jackson... braddock.

Uh, we met once. I don't know if you remember me.

I have brown hair.

Uh, yeah. I think I remember you.

Well, anyway, I thought we really clicked, so I was wondering if you might want to have dinner with me.




I know this great Mexican...

French place.

Sounds great.

Pick me up at 7:00.


Where do you live?

May I help you? Excuse me.

I am Gabrielle Solis.

Perhaps you know my husband? He "rubs" your boss.

Where are they?

I am under strict instructions not to disturb Mrs. Hildebrand.

You can wait here.


When the cops bust up this brothel, I'm gonna tell them you're the madame.

Mmm. Mmm, yes.

That's it, right there.

You sure this isn't too rough?

Mmm. No way.

Go deeper. I can take it.


Mmm. Mmm.

Ahh. Hold on.

I've got a crick. I...

Carlos, I just remembered I had an important business call to make.

Could you give me the room for a minute? Absolutely.

Mrs. Solis, what are you doing here?

I know what you've been up to, and shame on you.

What are you talking about?

I know about... The big "o."

Oh, dear. He could tell?

I'm beyond mortified.

I understand your concern, but I assure you it was only that one time.

It's never happened again.

And it never will, because if you think I'm gonna let you drag Carlos off to Europe, you're nuts.

I suppose I should be flattered that a woman as young and beautiful as you should see me as a threat.

But it would be a shame to let it end a friendship that's come to mean so much to me.

Maybe a little too much.

Mrs. Solis, my husband's gone. I'm estranged from my family.

If you live with loneliness long enough, it becomes an ache inside you... An actual physical pain.

I thought I'd live with that pain the rest of my life.

Then your husband healed me.

Can you blame me for being grateful?

No, but I just think we should end things before they get any weirder.

Carlos tells me you used to be a fashion model.

I've always had a passion for clothes.

The reason I'm going to Europe is to see the couture collections in Paris and Milan.

Lucky you.

It's not so much fun going alone.

But if I had a knowledgeable companion like you to be my guide...

In fact, you could be my personal shopper.

That is, if you don't mind being paid in dresses.

Gosh, that's a...

A hell of a sweet offer, but I've... got the girls, and, um...

We'll bring them along.

Think what fun we'll have dressing them up.

What the hell? You're never too young to see Paris, right?

I'm so glad!

I can see we're going to be great friends.

Carlos! I'm done with my call.



Hey, hon. Check this out.

If it's the cat eating spaghetti, I've already seen it.

It's our band logo.

We're thinking of getting t-shirts made up.

"Blue odyssey"? Who came up with that?

This was the name of my brother's band when he was in high school.

You have a brother?

Had. He died.

Well, you never told me about him.

What happened?

His name was Steve.

He was a great guy...

Just kinda got caught up in drugs and couldn't get out.

He went to prison, and when he was there, he was killed... By another inmate.

And what happened to the guy who killed him?

Oh, the court ruled it self-defense, so the guy finished his time, and he got out.

I can't believe you've never told me about him.

I mean, it might help you to talk about stuff like that.

I have my own way of dealing with it.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

That rehearsal was awesome.

They're letting me sing lead vocal on "hotel California." Oh, that's nice.

Hey, was there a blue convertible parked in front of Katherine's? Yes, there was. Nice one.

My god, he's still there. Who's still there?

Well, Katherine's been lonely, so I set her up with a client, and he's been there for over four hours, so you know it's going well! Good for you! My clever little matchmaker.

Mmm. Ohh. Mwah. Well, you deserve some credit, too.

I mean, you brought us Peter's business.

Peter? Peter hickey?


You set him up with Katherine? Is that bad?


Is he gay?

Ugh! I knew he had too much product in his hair.

No, it's just that when I booked the anniversary party, I didn't want you to be uncomfortable around Peter, so I said we'd met in college, which is not actually the case.

Well, where did you meet? Prison.

Peter's a felon?

But he's so refined, so handsome.

Two qualities that did not serve him well behind bars.

My god, Orson. What kind of criminal is he?

A killer or a rapist? Oh, no, no, no, nothing like that.

They got him for organ trafficking.


He was a surgeon, and it seems that when the opportunity presented itself, he'd harvest the odd liver or kidney from a deceased patient and then sell it on the black market. Are you telling me that I set Katherine up with a convicted graverobber?! Well, you said yourself, women over 40 can only be so choosy.

That is not funny! I have to go warn Katherine.


Katherine, hi!

Is everything all right over there?

Yes, everything's fine.

Then why are you whispering?

Peter just fell asleep. I don't want to wake him.

Oh, my god.

You slept with him?

You can wag that finger all you like.

I've got just six words for you, Bree Hodge...

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Oh, I just really wish you'd taken things more slowly.

Bree, you have given me the most magical night I've had since I don't know when.

Are you gonna make me feel bad about it now?

No, I'm not.

Oh! He is just so wonderful.

I tell you, if I'm not careful, this guy could steal my heart.

Well, if he tries, just promise you'll call.

Sorry I'm late.

I was sleeping so soundly.

Peter didn't want to wake me.

What's this?

A Cosmopolitan. That's your favorite, isn't it?

It's 10:00 A.M. I don't want a drink.

You will.

But... these homeless people whose kidneys he bought...

He at least paid them well, right?

Oh, I am so, so sorry.

Oh, it's not your fault. You didn't know.

I have no one but myself to blame.

That's it. I'm going to Maryland.

You can't just move because of one bad date.

You don't get it.

When we started this, you were just as lonely as I was...

Orson in jail, benjy gone.

And I felt bad for you, but, boy, was it nice to have somebody in the same boat.

And then Orson got out, and now he's here all the time.

And I feel like you're this...

Fun, happy power couple, and I'm just this needy, pathetic idiot...

Who hops into bed with the first pancreas thief who kisses her.

I should be with family.

And I'm not family?

Katherine, all my life, I wanted a sister.

And now I feel like I finally have one.

But we're always fighting and competing with each other.

Well, what could be more sisterly than that?

I know I'm not the most...

Demonstrative... person, but I care about you deeply, and if you were to just walk out of my life, I would be very...

Very unhappy.

Well, I wouldn't want that.


Well, now that that's settled...

Let's make some pies. Okay.

Can I have another cosmo?


Hey, is Porter still at Kirby's?


What's wrong with you? You've been antsy all night.

Nothing. No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Okay, I know what it is.

I have had this nagging feeling that I've forgotten something, and then I just realized I think I left the freezer door at Scavo's open. You sure?

No. That's why it's gonna drive me crazy.

I better go down there and check. Mmm.


Hurry back.

I'm so glad you were able to get away.

I didn't think you'd make it.


I'm glad my parents still think I'm young enough for sleepovers.

Crap! It's my dad!

Dad, hi. I was just... I was just...

I know what you were "just."

When I found this, I thought, oh, great!

One of the guys in the band is having an affair.

And then it hit me... Porter has a key.

Where is she?

Oh. Dad.


She isn't wearing anything, all right?

Who is she?

Just some girl from English class.

You... you don't know her.

I'm gonna go in the bathroom.

You got 60 seconds to get her out of here.

Oh. Hey, Mike.

Wow. Look at you all dressed up.

Oh, I was, um, kind of on a date.

Oh. How did it go?

Pretty bad.

Basically, she just grilled me all through dinner...

What do I think about this? What would I do if that?

I barely even know her.

I felt like I was on trial for my life. Oh, I'm sorry.

I just wanted somebody nice to have a cup of coffee with.

I guess that's too much to ask.

Well, it's kinda late for coffee, but...

I do have lemonade.

I'd settle for lemonade.

Hey, you know, I know it seems like I am being hard on you, but like I told you before, I don't think that you're emotionally ready for sex.

I know. You said.

Just making sure you heard me.


Now go to bed.

It's late.


Want me to, uh, put the car cover on for you first?

Sure. Thanks.

You shouldn't be here. Someone might recognize your car.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. My dad doesn't suspect anything.

I'm sorry if I got you in any trouble.

It's okay. You're worth it.

There are dangerous women in this world.

Some are lovers, blind to the consequences of their actions.

Some are wives enraged by the betrayal of those they trusted.

Others are predators, deviously setting traps to get what they want.

If you're unlucky enough to come upon one of these dangerous creatures, the safest thing to do...

I pulled those records you asked for.

Looks like your Mr. Williams is keeping a little secret.

Is run the other way.