Desperate Housewives S5E7 Script

What More Do I Need? (2008)

Previously on...

Can we start over?

It was a surprising day for the women of Wisteria Lane.

Well, I was wondering if you might want to have dinner with me. Okay.

He's giving her orgasms?! Ah! Not deliberately.

I can see we're going to be great friends.

You are a vibrant, attractive woman, you...

Who hasn't had sex in two years. That spells "grandma" to me.

Let me come stay with you when I get outta here.

This guy thinks I'm out of commission, and I want to keep it that way. What's wrong with you?

You've been antsy all night. I think I left the freezer door at Scavo's open.

But it was an even more surprising night...

Crap! It's my dad! For the Scavos.

Where is she? Don't. She isn't wearing anything, all right?

Who is she? Just some girl from English class.

I'm gonna go in the bathroom.

You got 60 seconds to get her out of here.

There was a slight misunderstanding in the Scavo house that night.

You see, someone in the family was having an affair with a married woman, and Lynette Scavo suspected her husband.


False alarm. The freezer was shut tight.

Unfortunately for Lynette, she was wrong.


What? I always knew things could change between us, Tom, but no matter what, the one thing I always thought I'd get is your respect.

Lynette, what's going on?

I followed you to the warehouse. I know everything.

Oh, boy.

Yeah, at this point, I think I'm gonna need a little bit more than that.

You're right. I shouldn't have kept this from you.


You know, for what it's worth, I wanted to bring you in on it. Huh?

But I was afraid you'd overreact.


That's what you were afraid of?

Hey, I'm upset, too.

But let's face it. Boys will be boys.

I think... I have to sit down now.

Lynette, are you really surprised?

It's not the first time this has happened.

And it definitely won't be the last.

You know what? I have to kill you now. Well, he's your son, too.

Who? Porter!

What are you talking about? I found out.

Porter's been hooking up with some girl at our warehouse.

What are you talking about?

And just like that, the slight misunderstanding in the Scavo house had ended...

Hey. What's up?

You're having sex with your best friend's mother?!

And a huge family crisis had begun.

Desire... it's an emotion designed to lead us astray, causing us to buy things we can't afford...

Encouraging us to sample desserts we don't need...

And pushing us into love affairs we're clearly not ready for.

I want you to call that woman and tell her you are never seeing her again.

Her name is Anne.

Her name is Mrs. Schilling.

She was your t-ball coach when you were 6.

By the way, does your best friend know you're sleeping with his mother?

We're keeping our relationship from Kirby for now.

This isn't a relationship.

You are being used by this woman.

No, I'm not. I love her.

Okay, that's it. I'm calling her.


Hey! What if her husband answers?

Gee, Porter.

That's just one of the pitfalls of dating a married woman.

Listen to me! Mr. Schilling can't find out.

He... he's totally violent. He... he would kill her.

Well, then you have put her in a very dangerous position, haven't you?

Okay. I'll call her. I'll tell her it's over.

I'm not going to say that you know.

That'll just freak her out. But you have to promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband.

I am not promising anything. So help me, if I find out that you do something, and she gets hurt, I will leave this house and I will never come back! Oh, please! You would never do that.

Yeah? Well, i-I've done a lot of things you never thought I would do.


We won't say anything.

But if you don't end this, you won't have to leave.

We will throw you out.

So... you wanted to see me?


Tell us, Charlie...

Have you enjoyed working here at Mrs. Van De Kamp's?

Yeah. It's great.

You don't feel you've been underpaid? No.

Well, then perhaps you can explain why you stole $200 from the petty cash box yesterday.

What? I didn't steal anything.

Charlie, we wouldn't accuse you unless we had concrete evidence, and thanks to my diligent partner here, we do.

So am I, like... fired?

You're more than "like" fired.

You're fired. And, of course, we want our money back.

Uh, I don't have have it. I spent it.

Well, then I suggest you return your purchase.

Do you have a receipt?

Yeah. Yeah, like pot dealers give receipts.

Well, you've just covered yourself in glory on this one.

Just... please, don't tell my parents.

I'll get you the money. I promise.

Can you believe it? A thief and a pothead!

Well, at least we know now where the 2 pounds of cookie dough went.

Too many?

Yeah. I gotta have one more. Ah!

Thank you for doing this.

Ah, well... we needed to wipe the slate clean, right?

Mm. And honestly?

This is the best second first date I've ever had.

Isn't it?


And knowing we're not gonna have sex takes all the pressure off.

That's... something we know?


We're starting completely over, so this time, we're gonna do things right.

W-Which means what?

Well, it means...

No sex until at least date four.

Ah. I want us to spend this time really getting to know each other.

I-I do know you. What's my least favorite word?


You're just guessing.

It's "panties."

Ohh. Although some days it's "larva" or "chunks."

Well, I will try to remember that.

Mm. Now you tell me something I don't know about you.


I'm a painter.

I sort of guessed that when you painted my house.

I mean, I paint... art.

Like... on a canvas, in a frame.


I went to art school in Paris.

And my professor had a beret, so you know he was good.


So now you're painting... My bathroom?


It sucks.

But I've been blocked for the past year.

Blocked? Yeah.

I mean, I keep trying to start new pieces, but...

Nothing comes. It's... driving me crazy.

Well, I'm sorry things aren't going well.

But I'm glad you told me.

See? We're getting to know each other.

And we wouldn't have if we'd spent the whole night in bed.


And now I'm creatively and sexually frustrated.

First dates are awesome.

Jeez, Roberta, I know you hate to throw anything away, but do you have the garbagemen bringing you stuff now?

Pardon my French, but what's French for "kiss my ass"?

So you said Dave has a secret.

Now how you gettin' that from this?

It's just a bunch of phone numbers. Yeah, it may be just a bunch of numbers to you, but to a savvy sleuth with a keen eye and the nose of a bloodhound... yeah, yeah, you're miss marple with a bum liver.

So what's he hiding?

Let me walk you through it. Around the 1st of every month, Dave gets a string of calls... Five or six...

From this number in Boston.

They're all short... 10, 15 seconds.

My guess is he's not picking up.

Somebody's leaving him messages. You know, buggin' him. Once a month, huh?

My guess is it's an ex-wife looking for her alimony.

Except it's not. You see this?

After a few days, he always calls back.

And who, you ask, is he calling?

A hospital in Boston.

It's the office of Dr. Samuel Heller...


So... once a month, Dave whines about his life to a beantown headshrinker, huh?

Big whoop.

I looked up your Davey's doc on the web.

He's not your garden-variety shrink.

He's a renowned psychiatrist and published author with a very specialized field of expertise.

And that, my dear Watson, is your neighbor's little secret.

You're right on top of me!

Oh, lap of luxury, how I've missed sitting in you.

Celia! Juanita!

Chef is taking fresh-baked cookies out of the oven.

You're not gonna catch me!

Oh, I can't tell you how nice it is to hear the sound of children's laughter in this house.

You know what I was thinking?

Why don't you all stay the weekend?

Ooh, we'd love to. Jeez, we can't.

Why not? Celia's birthday party is Sunday.

We've gotta get ready for it, remember?

What's to get ready? You buy a $9 sheet cake and fling a piƱata over a tree and bam! Party time.

But I don't have a change of clothes.

My nephew left a whole closet full of old clothes.

I'm sure something will fit you.

Well... Carlos, just nod your head, 'cause I ain't leaving this pool. Oh, good. It's settled.

Oh, Gaby. Your Margarita's getting low.

I'll send Brandon out with a fresh one.

Thank you.

What are you doing?

What? You heard the woman. She wants children's laughter.

And I want the lobster the chef is serving for dinner.

It's a win-win. I just don't feel comfortable with this.

Why not?

I mean, look at this place. It's like shangri-la.

Wow, you're right. The pitch black I see here is much more dazzling than the one at home.

What is your problem?

My problem is that it's a bad idea to mix business and pleasure.

Says the man who massaged her into an orgasm.

Even more reason to keep some professional distance.

Carlos, she is just a lonely old woman yearning for some friendship and human contact.

And I, for one, am happy to be that human.

Mrs. Solis? Your Margarita.

Oh, shoot. I can't reach it.


Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Hey. You bring beer?

Was I supposed to? No. Tom was supposed to.

Gosh. Sorry. I thought the two cases I bought Monday would've lasted more than one rehearsal.

Boys, we're better off not drinking today.

We've got a lot of work to do and only one week to do it.

What are you talking about?

We are playing battle of the bands at the white horse!

Uh, Dave? Battle of the bands isn't for amateurs.

You gotta audition.

Uh, we don't.

Edie's got a real estate buddy whose husband owns the club.

You're kidding. We're playing an actual gig?

In front of people who aren't listening just because I pay their allowance? Well, this is fantastic!

Yes! But that means the pressure's on.

We gotta really rehearse our cover stuff and... we need an original song.

I don't know anything about songwriting.

I-I know a little bit. No, you don't.

It's fine. Mike and I will write something.

You got a little time later? Not tonight. I got plans.


What's her name?

Can we just rehearse, please?

You know, I heard that Susan and Jackson broke up. I heard they got back together.

It's not Susan. Stop guessing.

Also, get lives.

Whatever, Mike, just so long as you're having fun.

Hey! Who said you... Turn the board around.

Get back here. No! Come out here and show me some moves!

Sorry to bother you.

Just wanted to see if you needed anything before I go off to bed.

No, we're good. Sure you don't want to order Margarita number 12?

You sure you don't want to shut your piehole?

It's so cute, how you two bicker.

Carlos, how do those pajamas fit you?

They're perfect.

I-I hope your nephew doesn't mind that I was wearing 'em.

He'll never know. We're estranged.

Oh. Okay.

Anyway, we're good. So have a nice night.

Oh! What's that?

Some animated thing.

I love animated movies.

The girls wanted to watch it, so we're kind of having a family movie night.

Ooh, that sounds like fun!

My heavens, is that penguin surfing?

Gee, I don't know. I can't really see the screen anymore.

Oh, dear. I'm being rude.

Oh, that's okay.

There. That's better.

Did she just crawl under... Oh, yeah.

And so there I was in ninth grade, and my boobs had not made an appearance.

I was desperate.

Here. Let me refill that for you.

And so that's when I got caught stuffing at the pep rally.

And six months later... Kaboom.

I was voted prom queen. Nice work, girls.

Stop that right now.


The sex music. Turn it off.

That... that's not sex music.

We are not having sex until date number four, and this is date number two.

I know what it is.

It... it's just that you look so hot in these pants, and your hair smells so good.

And your eyes...

Look, I made you dinner. Come on.

Jackson... I braised beef for you.

Do you know what a pain in the ass it is to braise meat?

Okay, do you know how sad it makes me to know that you only braised it to boink me?

You're supposed to be asking me questions.

The point of all this was to get to know each other better.

How is it gonna make our relationship stronger for me to know that in the fifth grade, they sent you to the therapist

'cause you wouldn't stop chewing your hair?

You know, that was hard for me to share, and the fact that you just make light of it...

No, I'm am calling the second date officially over.

And you know what?

I was going to let you feel me up over my blouse.

But now? Nada.

So before we wrap up here, we still need some chaperones for the junior prom.

Anne schilling is coordinating the volunteers, and she could really use some help.


I know we're all busy, but this is important.

We want our kids to have fun, but let's face it.

If we don't keep an eye on them, god only knows what kind of trouble they'll get into.


Marjorie? You'll help?

Fantastic. Thanks, guys.

Hey, Lynette.

Do these meetings keep getting longer, or do they just seem that way?

I don't know.


How's the family?

I haven't seen penny in so long, and all the kids are getting so big now.

I guess the boys will be going off to college soon.

Aah! Lynette!

I know everything, okay?


I'm sorry, but...

It's important for you to understand...

I love Porter.

Aah! Aah! Oh!


So do I.

And if you ever lay a hand on him again, you will find out just how much.

Oh, Bree. I've got good news.

Me, too. You go first.

I hired a girl to replace that thief Charlie.

Oh. Well, are you sure she's trustworthy?

Well, she comes with a strong recommendation from the head of the local f.B.I. Office...

Her father, who's mormon.

Well done, Orson!

Thank you. Your turn.

Ooh! Oh.

"The new Christian reader" just published an advance review of my cookbook. Listen!

"Mrs. Van De Kamp's colorful stories of her upbringing

"show her upstanding values, but her recipes are sinfully delicious."

They gave me four halos!

Then I think this is appropriate...

Holy cow!

I have to admit, I had some reservations about us working together, but this has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams.

Mmm. We're quite a team, aren't we?

Yeah, and the best part is we get to see each other all the time.

Mm-hmm, I know, which makes the hardest part keeping my hands off you all the time.


You can't be serious! Here?


This kitchen is the birthplace of our triumphs.

What better place to celebrate them, hmm?

Ooh! Oh, this counter's hard on my head.

Do you want me to stop?

No. Get me an oven mitt.


Oh, much better.

Rise and shine, girls.

Rise and shi...

Oh, my god!

What are you doing?!

Gaby, it's fine. We're just doing a little art project.

I told the the girls they could decorate the room any way they wanted.

I'm making a castle.

It's stupid.

No, you're stupid!

You're both stupid. Stop it!

Um, Mrs. Hildebrand, this is really nice of you.

But why would you want to ruin your beautiful room?

Oh, it's not my room anymore. It's their room.


Yes. It's the room they'll be staying in whenever you come to visit.

They're getting a new TV, bunk beds.

I'll have it ready by the time you get here next weekend.

Uh... next weekend, uh, Carlos and I have plans.

Well, I bet the girls don't. I'll send a car for them.

I... don't think that's such a good idea.

How about it, girls? Wanna spend next weekend here? Yay!

Yay! Thank you. Mrs. Hildebrand.

Oh! Oh! What did I tell you?

Sorry. Thank you, grandma.

Oh, come!

Oh! Oh.

Ooh! Ooh!

"Grandma"? She told them to call her "grandma"?

Yeah, and that's why we're leaving.

After you told her you'd stay all weekend?

How we gonna do that? I don't know. Make an excuse.

Say you have some blind thing you have to go to.

We have to be very careful here.

This woman has a lot of pull at the country club.

Plus, we've got that Europe trip coming up. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We're not going to Europe with grandma nutjob. I'm not walking away from $100,000.

We need that money. Carlos, it's not worth it.

She's really starting to freak me out. Damn it, Gaby.

I told you it was dangerous getting chummy with the clients.

You wouldn't listen. You had to stay for the lobster.

Hey, I seem to remember some melted butter on your bib, too.

Now how we getting out of here?

Look, she knows we've got Celia's party tomorrow.

I'll tell her we have to go shopping for that.

Everything will be fine.


I had to wait for my folks to go to the store before I could sneak out. What's wrong?

Are you okay?

I don't know what to do.

About what? Let me help you.

It's just all such a mess.

Wait. Is this about my mom?

Did she do something else to you?

Did she call your husband? No.

Well, then what? Tell me.

I'm pregnant.

Hey, do you mind if I cut out early today?

I don't see why not.

I mean, everything's, uh, pretty much done here.

You can go now if you like. Thanks.

Andrew. Don't you look handsome?

Do I? Great.

Something wrong?

You remember Charlie, the kid you guys fired for stealing?

Well, he called and asked how you could prove it, and I said, "we've got a surveillance tape, scuzzball."

Well, uh, guess who stole the surveillance tape last night.

That does it. We're pressing charges.

Uh, you... you might want to hold off on that, because according to Charlie, the surveillance tape is also a sex tape.


Yeah, he said it shows a couple really going at it.


Any idea who those crazy kids might be?

Oh, dear god.

Yep. Kinda thought so.

How could this be happening?

Before anything got serious, I made a point of turning the camera off.

Wait, I turned it off, too. I didn't see you do that.

No, you were looking for the olive oil.

Obviously, you turned it back on.

We need to, um, get that tape back.

Yeah, well, break out your checkbook, 'cause he wants 2 grand for it. $2,000?!

Yeah, or he's gonna post it on YouTube.

What are we gonna do? Well, first you need to decide what your porn names are gonna be.

Okay, this is not a joke. My book comes out next month...

My old-fashioned, traditional cookbook!

This could ruin me!

All right, Bree. We'll just pay him.

No! I-I refuse to pay blackmail to some hooligan who's stolen from us twice!


All my life, I have done my best to teach you to respect god and the law and never to harm another living thing.

I want you to forget every one of those lessons if it'll help you get that tape back.


So... carte blanche?

Uh... within reason.

We are not condoning arson or violence or...

Orson, don't cramp the boy's style.


Hey, sweetie. Now don't forget to make a wish.


Happy birthday!

Happy birthday.

Virginia! What, uh, are you doing here?

I came to give Celia her birthday gift.

Well, she's a little busy with her friends right now, so just give it to me, and I'll make sure she gets it.

I'm afraid that won't be possible.

You see, for my present, I'm gonna take her to a shop that sells the most exquisite antique dolls and let her pick whichever one she likes.

Well, she's not gonna leave her party to go buy a doll.

Well, of course not. I'll wait on the porch till it's over.

Uh, look, I'm sorry, but I don't want you driving off with my daughter.

Well, you know she'll be safe with me.

But if you'd feel better joining us...

You sure are making this hard.

I have tried to be nice, but I am running out of polite here, so I'm just gonna say knock it off.

I'm sorry. Knock off what?

This whole creepy, clingy "I'm your grandma" routine.

But I've come to feel like a grandmother to the girls.

In three days. That's the creepy part.

What a hurtful thing to say, especially given how generous I've been to your family.

Yeah, too generous.

It's like you're trying to buy us or something.

Well, we're not for sale, so just back off!

Who do you think you're talking to?

You wicked, ungrateful girl!

You're not the first greedy bitch who's tried to bleed me dry and then wash her hands of me.

Okay, we're done here. Good-bye.

Am I not making myself clear? Get off my property!


What's going on?

I came to buy Celia a doll.

I believe you've heard Gaby's response.

Virginia, please.

Allow me to apologize.

I think it's a little late for that.

Thank you...


For a wonderful third date.


And I'm glad that you're back on board with our plan.

Yeah, I really think I'm starting to get something out of it.

Mmm. Oh, pop quiz!

Why did Kim beale stop talking to me in eighth grade?

Well, you told Erin Connors about her nose job. Right!

What time is it?

Uh, 10:48?

No. It's sex time!

Hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Susan.

What?! Stop.

We're not having sex till the fourth date, remember?

Jackson, look at me.

I'm tipsy. I'm horny.

I'm easier than a 5-year-old's homework.


I'll call you tomorrow.

The forehead?

I hate to say anything, Stan, but you are president of the country club.

You need to know that the way Carlos touched me during my last massage...

Well, let's just say it was highly inappropriate.

And that kind of behavior is a liability the club can't afford.


I appreciate your taking care of it.

Hello? Uh, hello. Is this Dr. Heller?

Speaking. Who's calling? I'm Maggie carr at hilltop insurance.

We have an applicant for a new term life insurance policy, and he lists you as a previous care provider.

I was hoping to verify his medical history.

The name's Dave Williams.

Dave Williams? I don't know a Dave Williams.

Well, sure you do. You call him every month.

How would Maggie know that?! Uh, I'm guessing.

Who is this?

Uh, hi, Dr. Heller.

I'm, uh, Lindsay Thorne. I'm Maggie's supervisor.

And she's confused and about to get fired.

And, uh, we just need you to confirm for our records that you're treating a man named David Williams.

What is your medicare I.D. Number?

Um... I'm not sure.

We're in the process of converting to the metric system.

I don't know who this is, but are you aware that what you are doing is illegal?

Okay, look. We're just trying to get some info on this guy.

He just moved to Fairview, and he's really creeping people out.

You're in Fairview?

Yeah. Why? Does that mean something to ya?

No, I'm just trying to get all the info I need when I contact the federal authorities to let them know that...

Well, we really screwed the pooch on that one.

Yeah, back to the drawing board.

Can I Irish that up for ya?

It's noon somewhere.

You got the tape! How did you manage that?

Orson, we don't need to know.

No, you don't, but it's kind of amazing what you can get a bunch of bikers to do for a case of beer.

Oh, my. Well, I better destroy this.

Actually, you may want to watch it first.

Why? I'm embarrassed enough as it is.

Humor me. I'll cue it up.

You watched it?! Well, I had to make sure it was the right disk.

Here, just watch a little bit.

Oh, dear god. I can't look.

Really, Andrew.

Wait. Bree, that's not us.

What? Well, who is it then?

Wait, wait. He flips her in just a sec.

This is where it gets good.


And Mike.

Just so you know, I'm... I'm never eating anything that comes out of that kitchen again.


Hi. Hi.

I am declaring this our official fourth date, okay?

The rules have been followed, and you may begin disrobing...


Uh, I'm... i'm... i'm... I'm kind of doing something right now.

Okay, I just ran into your house half-naked.

The only thing you should be doing is me.


What is on your face?

Is that paint?

Are you painting again?

Uh, y-yeah.

I thought you were blocked.

I was, but, uh...

Not having sex for a few days kinda got my juices flowing in a different direction.

So now I-I really need to finish, so...

So you've broken through your creative logjam?


Ooh, why not celebrate by ripping off my clothes with your teeth?

I... can't. I'm not finished yet.

How close are you? 'Cause I can wait.

Wait, wait, no. No, don't... Don't look at that... yet.

That's me.

Yeah. Uh, it's...

Supposed to be.

That look on my face...

I've seen it before...

In the mirror, when I'm feeling...

How do you know about that look?

I-I know a lot about you.

I know your cheeks get red when people say you're pretty.

I know that your eyes start to tear up whenever you talk about your grandfather.

And I know that when you're really sad, you get that beautiful, haunted look that you try to shake off before anybody can see it.

I can't believe I ever thought you didn't know me.

Well, I guess I should let you finish this.

I'm sort of missing hands.


Actually, that is one detail I could use some help with.


Unless you have a problem posing naked.

Oh. Come on.

I think you know the answer to that.


Hello, Katherine.

Um, I thought you might want this videotape...

From our surveillance camera.

We have a surveillance camera?

Yes, in the, uh, test kitchen.

Oh, my god.

So that means you saw me and...

Mike. Yes, indeedy.

Oh, I'm so embarrassed!

Oh, what you must think of me!

Let's not dwell on it. Oh! I mean, having sex in the kitchen, where food's prepared...

What kind of a demented slut would do that?

I said... Let's not dwell on it.

Thanks for bringing it by.

Katherine, I'm sorry, but I just have to ask...

Are you sure you know what you're doing? Meaning what?

Meaning Susan is your oldest friend on this street.

She divorced him, Bree, and she's seeing someone else.

Why can't Mike do that?

Because she's your friend, and we're women.

We don't do that to each other.


I've been alone for five years.

I'm finally in a relationship, and you're trying to make me feel guilty?

Is that what I saw on the tape... A relationship?

I don't know what it is.

All I know is...

I'm having the time of my life.

Fair enough. But just be careful, I mean, this is very complicated.

I'd hate to see it end badly.

Hey, breakfast's on the table.

Porter, this whole hating me thing that you've got going on right now...

Believe it or not, I get where you're coming from.

I don't hate you.

But one day, you are gonna meet someone more...


Someone who want the same things that you do out of life.

Then you are gonna know what real love is.

And when you do, I hope you will finally see where I am coming from.



It's me. Can you talk?

Hey, Gary. I'm running kind of late. Can I call you later?

Just listen.

I can leave town Saturday.

You have the money, right?

Yeah. No problem.

I love you.

I know where you're coming from, mom.


I-I want you and dad to know that I really appreciate everything you've done for me.


I'll see you downstairs.


It's an emotion designed to lead us astray, persuading those who crave love to make foolish choices...

Causing those who yearn for family to act out in anger...

Allowing those who are lonely...

To behave in reckless ways.

And when the pursuit of our heart's desire becomes an obsession, the best we can hope for is a caring friend willing to come along...

Hi. I'd like to book the next flight to Fairview.

And stop us.