Desperate Housewives S5E8 Script

City on Fire (2008)

Previously on...

I love you.

You're having sex with your best friend's mother?

An affair was revealed. You have to promise me that you won't say anything to her psycho husband.

A good time was brought to an end. Back off!

Who do you think you're talking to? We're done here. Good-bye.

And a man's past was uncovered. Look, we're just trying to get some info on this guy.

He just moved to Fairview, and he's really creeping people out. You're in Fairview?

Yeah, why? Does that mean something to ya?

Once a year, the owner of the white horse bar would host a competition known as the battle of the bands.

Give it up for cold splash.

And young musicians would come...

With their drums...

And guitars...

And dreams of stardom.

This year, those young musicians were joined by a group of middle-aged men who came with their stiff joints...

And high cholesterol...

And dreams of being young again, if only for one night.

♪ Wrinkles leave my skin ♪ God, look at those guys. They're so young.

No wonder they went first. They probably have homework.

Would you guys relax?

Rock 'n' roll's not just for young people.

Why are they so loud?

Not helping, Carlos.

They're really good, and we're really old enough to be their fathers.

Okay, we may look a little old up there, and we may hit a few clams, but who cares?

We're here to have fun. Yeah, tonight we're not the plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizzas. We're a rock 'n' roll band.

Right, Dave?

Absolutely. Look, I've gotta check with the guy about the light cues.

♪♪♪ You're sure we're not gonna humiliate ourselves?

I promise you it'll be a night to remember.

And it was...


♪ mustang Sally ♪

♪ Guess you better slow your mustang down ♪ in ways they could never have known.

♪ Mustang Sally now, baby ♪ Oh, my god! Fire!


It's locked.

Straight back.

The next morning, news of the tragedy began to spread...

Along with rumors that the Blaze had been set intentionally.

It wasn't long before the police began using the word "arson"...

And someone was taken into custody.

Oh! Look at my little girl.

Isn't she adorable? Oh, I missed her so much.

Oh, I can't wait to meet her. Oh, not yet. I wanna give her new boyfriend the once-over.

Wow. He's as cute as she said...

Nice smile, and look at that hair.

Don't you just wanna run your fingers through it?

Fortunately for you, no.

You know, I'm very good at first impressions.

I'm gonna like this guy.

Why is the cab driver handing Julie's boyfriend money?

Why is Julie's boyfriend getting back in the cab?

And why is the middle-aged cab driver kissing Julie?

I think what's going on is...

I know what's going on. Let me enjoy my denial.


Honey, I'm home. You wouldn't believe the traffic...

Hello, Gabrielle.

Virginia came by to say hello.

Isn't that a nice surprise?

I have news I wanted to share.

You don't seem happy to see me.

Well, maybe that's because the last time we spoke, you called me a greedy bitch and I called you a scary old hag.

Weren't we a fine pair of hotheads?

But what family doesn't have its squabbles?

Family?! Lady, you had Carlos fired.

That was a terrible misunderstanding.

And she straightened it out, and I got my job back.

Isn't that nice? Delightful.

Now leave before there's a terrible misunderstanding between my foot and your ass.

Gaby, could I see you in the kitchen... now?

Save your breath, Carlos.

There is no way we're letting grandma screw-loose back into our lives. She put us in her will.

Oh, my god! That woman is crazy.

Is she crazy or just desperately lonely?

I don't care. All she wants is some human contact...

To hang out with us on the occasional weekend, maybe a holiday or two. Right, and in exchange, when she finally kicks the bucket, we wind up with a lamp. I'm sorry, Carlos.

We're the sole heirs of her entire fortune.

And her blood pressure is 220/90.

Virginia! Why can't I stay mad at you?

All right, then, we'll see you soon.

The reporter's almost here. I am so nervous.

Why? You've done lots of interviews.

That was all local. This is "the New York dispatch."

If this goes well, my cookbook could be on the front page of their weekend style section.

Katherine, what did you do to your hair?

I've never seen it look so thick and lustrous.

I'm already planning to say nice things about you.

Good. I can check that off my list.

When's the reporter coming?

Any minute. Oh, my gosh, Andrew. Don't you look sharp today?

Don't worry. I-I won't tell her I'm gay. Check and check.

Mom, do you know anything about this reporter?

Only that her name is Sandra birch.

We just spoke, and she seemed very nice. She isn't.

I went online and pulled a bunch of her articles, and a lot of them are complete hatchet jobs. "A deeper look suggests something darker, "something more ominous, a woman whose perky surface conceals a deep, almost demonic thirst for power."

Ooh. I doubt Betty white saw that coming.

Mom, if this woman tanks you, I could kill sales of the book.

You're gonna have to figure out a way to handle this. Knock, knock?

I'm looking for Bree.

You must be Sandra.

What a sharp outfit.

And look at that hair... So thick and lustrous.

Um... mom, you got a minute?

I do. Why do I have a sense you're gonna take it away from me?

Porter got Anne schilling pregnant.

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, yeah, I'm great. That it?

No. There's more.

They're planning to run away.

Okay. Well, your minute's up.

Aren't you gonna go talk to him?

No, I have to talk to someone else first.

Remember when you left that soda can on the coffee table, and it left a ring, and I yelled at you?

I take it all back.

And we always sell out, so I want the band there by 6:00.

Any questions?

Sounds good. When are we on?

Second. You got the primo spot as a favor to my wife.

Since she rented you the space, she feels like part of the band.

Well, rock on, Anne schilling.

If she requests "free bird," we're doing it.

Hey, uh, Tom, I saw Porter at my house the other day.


Yeah, he and Kirby were shooting hoops.

I can't believe how big he's getting. Yeah.

They grow up fast, huh?

Yeah. Little too fast.


Uh, hey, doc, I know I owe you a phone call.

I'm gonna cut to the chase, Dave.

Are you in Fairview?

What? Where did that come from?

Doesn't matter where it came from.

Are you in Fairview?

Look, I don't know what brought this on, but I'm really busy right now.

I'll call you tomorrow. I promise.

And we can talk about it then. Okay? Bye.

Excuse me.

Could you tell me how to get to Wisteria Lane?

So there we were, huddled under this broken umbrella, and... he just kissed me.

It was so romantic.

Aw. She's skipping the part where one of the spokes got me in the eye.

Julie, I'm gonna take your suitcases upstairs now, okay?

Oh, I'll come with you. I need to check my e-mail.

Mm. Be right back.

So, Susan, I'm...

I'm sensing that, uh, you're a little freaked out about my age.

You know, when your 24-year-old daughter calls you and tells you she's bringing home a boy from college, you sort of expect it to be, well...

A boy.

Well, I just want you to know that we didn't start dating until after the semester was over.

I don't date students. That's... that's a rule with me.

And a damn good one.

Although strictly speaking, I suppose my third wife was my teaching assistant, but she was really more of my employee than my student. Your what?


Before that. Employee.

Before that. Third wife.

That's the one.

So you've been married three times?

Didn't Julie tell you that? I don't believe so.

Although I may have blacked out after she told me you were 40.

So how does a man your age get married and divorced three times?

Well, my first wife and I were only married a few months, so I-I almost don't like to count it. Did someone throw rice at you?

Yeah. It counts.

Is this upsetting you? I-I thought you'd understand.

Julie said you'd been divorced yourself.

Yeah. Only twice.

Two. Small number. Much smaller than three.

And my first cheated on me, so that doesn't even count.

Did someone throw rice at you? Shut up.

Look, you and I both know that sometimes it just doesn't work out.


That's true.

And besides, it... it's different with Julie. I love her so much.

It's very important that you know I take my commitments seriously.


Oh, my god.

Lloyd, come here.

I can't find my cell phone charger.

Please, please, don't say anything.

I want it to be a surprise. Thanks...


And this is my own little kitchen.

I'm pretty sure my husband's here somewhere.

Orson, dear, are you decent?

In here, love.

Nice to meet you.

I've had the most delightful time with your wife and stepson.


Your home is stunning.

You cannot run a business and do all this, too.

Tell me you have a housekeeper.

Why would I pay someone to do work that gives me such joy?

Now who wants a little snack?


Bree, the idea was for me to spend a typical day with you.


So this is legit?

You're really this Donna Reed housewife from the '50s?

You say that like it's a bad thing.

I think that decade had a lot to recommend it.

Mm, people had values then...

Values this family strives to uphold.

But not everyone can keep a perfect house for a perfect family with perfect food and perfect flowers.

Of course they can...

If they read my book, that is. Mm.

Okay, truth be told...

I'm far from perfect.

Only yesterday, I burned a whole tray of biscotti.


And to think, I was worried about finding a lead.

Andrew, please. The machine can get it.

We never answer the phone while entertaining.

So rude to one's guests. Mm.

Now, um, may I pour you some more tea?

This is Mr. Jones for Orson Hodge.

Due to vacation schedules, I'll be filling in for your parole officer.

Give me a call, please.

So, Mr. Hodge...

You've been to prison.

Now can I be gay?


Kirby, is that you?

I thought you went to the movies.

Are you really pregnant?


A couple of months back, Warren and I...

W-We fought.

I was pretty banged up, and... and...

Porter came by looking for Kirby, and... and...

He was so...

Kind and... and gentle.


Don't try and justify this. This is sick.

You are sick.

Your son...

Loves me.

And... and I love him.

And... and... and you know what?

I'm glad I'm having Porter's baby.


Not exactly what a husband wants to hear coming in the door.

I suppose dinner's not ready, either.

Warren, I'm sorry that...

Thank you.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Don't go.

I need to talk with my wife right now.

I'm sorry for any pain this has caused your family, Mrs. Scavo.

Damn it.

You think you can humiliate me?! You piece of filth! Aah!

Get off of her! Get off of her! I'm calling the police!

Stay out of this! Aah!

Okay, well, just so you know, I hit back.

Call the police.

I'd love to hear her explain her way out of statutory rape.

You don't live here anymore.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god!

Thank you for coming back.

Here we are, boys! Are you psyched or what?

Oh, I feel like I'm gonna puke again.



You guys cold splash?

Yes, sir.


We're blue odyssey. Yeah, I can see that.

Uh, so after the gig, we're having a party at our manager's loft.

You guys should come. Abso-tively.

We just gotta check with our wives.

Why were you talking to that woman?

She just walked up and asked if we knew you, wanted us to confirm a bunch of rumors.

What kind of rumors?

Just... stuff she'd heard around the neighborhood.

Were you really a boozehound?

Lee... No, I'm just saying, I wish I'd have known you then.

We'd have been such good friends. She seemed to know an awful lot about you.

Key word... "awful."

I cannot let this happen. I have to find her.

Well, she's gonna be at the battle of the bands tonight.

Why? She wants to hear Orson, and I quote, "sing Harmony with the guy he tried to kill."

Oh, dear god. This woman is determined to make my life sound ten times worse than it actually is.

Yeah. So was your first husband really into s and m hookers?

And you wonder why we're never invited anywhere.

Okay, girls, mommy's leaving.

I love you!

I'm planning on having a massive hangover tomorrow, so keep the girls up late so we can all sleep in.

My, don't you look festive.


What are you doing here?

What do you mean? We're going to watch Carlos' band play.

You invited me this morning, remember?

No, uh, what I remember was you asking me to the movies tonight, and me saying I couldn't because I was going to watch Carlos' band play.

You got invitation out of that?

Well, I'm here now, dear, and I have this lovely limo.

So come on. We'll ride over to the club in style.

Well, here's the thing.

I'm supposed to go with my girlfriends.

Oh, Gaby, please, I was so looking forward to this.

Don't make me go all alone.

Well, I guess we're all going to the same place.

I'll just see my friends there.

Oh, goody!

Dr. Smith to cardiac I.C.U.

Where's Anne?

Oh! She's asleep. She's fine. What happened?

I went over to talk to Anne about recent developments.

You went to her house? Yes, I did, Porter. I had to talk to Anne.

I didn't know that her husband was there, and he overheard us and...

The doctors say she's gonna be fine.

Porter, wh...

Where are you going? Damn it!

"Tonic water, bourbon, ketchup." This is your grocery list?

There's got to be something else on Dave's phone bill that will help us. Uh, there isn't.

Oh, don't get broccoli. It is not your friend.

You're telling me that you cross-checked all those other numbers, and there was nothing? Squat.

The key is this doctor guy. Yeah.

Maybe we should just bite the bullet and go to Boston.

Yeah. Maybe we can get more out of him face-to-face.

Hey, you wanna go to a rock show tonight?

Me? With you?

Well, I'm a little out of your league, but if it'll get you there, sure.

I don't think I can, but thanks.

Here, in case you change your mind.

And then I noticed that Maria's pockets were stuffed with silverware.

I'm telling you, it's impossible to find good help these days.

Well, you'll know soon enough when my cholesterol finally gets the better of me.

Don't talk like that.

You want a cheeseburger or something?

That has got to stop. I'm gonna do something.

Why? Julie's a grown woman.

Uh-huh, she's a grown woman with stars in her eyes who's in love with a 3-time loser.

If she wants to accept his proposal, that's her business.

But in the meantime, you're not gonna ruin his surprise.

Aren't I? No.

Aren't I? No.

You're right.

I'll stay out of it.

Oh, now where is the little girls' room?

Hey, why did that guy hand you a cd?

Your name isn't Julie, is it? No. Why?

Well, there's a song on there he wants me to play.

I guess he's gonna propose to his girlfriend or something. Tonight?!

Isn't that lovely?

♪ Whoa, oh ♪

♪ Julie, Julie, Julie, do you love me? ♪

♪ Julie, Julie, Julie, do you care? ♪

♪ Julie, Julie, are you thinking of me? ♪

♪ Julie, Julie, will you still be there? ♪ Hey, you two. What's going on?

Um, nothing. What's going on with you?

Oh, I just love this song.

And Jackson doesn't like to dance, so...

Isn't this fun?

It was.

Oh, reminds me of being young and single.

Oh, I wish I'd never given up that.

Uh... Yeah, Susan.

Listen, uh, I don't want to, uh, uh, sound rude or anything, but this is really a-a moment that's meant for two.

Right! Right.

You mind easing away so I can dance with my daughter?

Mm, Susan?

What are you doing?

I'm... just movin' to the music.

Mm, yeah. You're coming with me.

Uh, no. No. No, no.

No! No, no, no! Oh, all right!

But no matter what he asks you, promise me you'll say "no."


Lloyd, I'm sorry. I can't help it.

I don't want my daughter to be someone's fourth wife.

Wife? Were you gonna ask me to marry you?

Oh, uh, were we not clear on that by now?

You can't be serious. We've only been dating three months.

Well, yes, I know, but I have such a good feeling about us.

Right, better feelings than you had about wives one, two and three? Mom.

♪♪♪ You are very sweet, but I'm not getting married... ever.

"Ever"? W-What do you mean "ever"?

We'll talk about this later.

I just really need a moment to myself.

Thank you.

Bree, darling.

Spare me your "darling," Sandra.

I know you've been trying to dig up dirt on me.

Mm, just doing my job.

And frankly, I didn't have to dig all that hard.

I wrote a cookbook, Sandra...

Meatloaf, pot pies, peach cobbler.

Why are you trying to crucify me?

Because it's not a cookbook, Bree.

It's a "look how great I am" book...

One designed to make every woman who reads it feel like a failure if she doesn't measure up.

What you're selling's a total sham.

But it isn't, Sandra, because I don't think I'm great.

I have fallen down more times than I can count, just like so many other housewives out there.

We're all just barely holding on, and we all think that we're alone.

So maybe you're right. Maybe it isn't a cookbook.

It's a lifeline from me to those other women, because I want them to know there's always a chance to get something right...

Even if it's just a casserole.

Why didn't you just tell me that right up front, Bree?

That's an angle I can work with.

I got some good news today.

I've been speaking with the headmaster at greenbrier country day school, and I got them to reserve two spots for the girls.

They start next term. Well, thanks, but the girls already have a school.

Yes, I know... a public school. This is a good school. Virginia, they're happy where they are.

They love Fairview.

Besides, greenbrier's, like, an hour away. So I'll get them a driver.

That would be a real treat for them. No, I want them to be close by.

They could need me during the school day...

Get sick or something. Oh, that's what school nurses are for.

Dear, this is a decision I feel very strongly about.

I'm afraid I have to insist.

Excuse me. You don't get to insist on anything when it comes to my daughters.

I think, given the extent of my investment in this family, I should have some say.

I'll just give you some time to think about it.

I don't need any time to think about it. Keep your money.

Now you're being reckless.

You know something? I like money. I like it a lot.

And a couple years ago, you could've bought me with that big fortune of yours.

But I'm a mom now, and I make the decisions for my kids.

And that is something that cannot be bought.

Gaby, I can make a decision, too.

I can call my lawyer tomorrow morning and take you out of my will. And that is your right as a crazy old rich lady.

Thank you.

Screening your calls now, Dave?

Let me guess.

You can explain everything.

I'm really, really sorry, doc.

You changed your name and didn't tell me.

You're living in Fairview...

The one place you swore you wouldn't go.

I didn't change my name to be deceptive.

I just wanted a fresh start.

Fairview is not a fresh start for you.

My wife Edie... she's from here, and she really wanted to move back, and I said okay.

Did you tell her your history?

Did you tell her why it's not healthy...

Or safe...

For you to be here?

She knows everything, and I'm in a really good place right now.


Can we talk about this after the show?

These guys...

They're my friends, and they're depending on me.

The moment you're finished playing.

Let's start this year's battle of the bands with our first group.

Give it up for cold splash!

♪ I threw darts at a spinning globe ♪

♪ swapping out passport photos ♪ Spare me the apology for butting into my life for the millionth time.

What is this about you never getting married? Why would I?

If there's one thing I've learned from your experience, marriage is a joke.

Hey, I believe in marriage.


First there was dad, who left you for his secretary, and then Mike...

He was the love of your life, and it still went to hell.

I mean, honestly... Just tell me what the upside is.

Oh, Julie, you're way too young to be this cynical.

I am not cynical.

I'm realistic.

I'm... I'm just trying to protect myself.

Well, putting a wall around your heart doesn't protect you.

It just keeps people out. I learned that the hard way.

Now with Jackson...

I remember that I like feeling hopeful.

I like believing in "happily ever after."

I really wish that you felt that way, too.

♪♪♪ Sorry about the tip, but I just lost $50 million.

♪ I don't know who else to ask ♪ Excuse me.

Gaby, have you seen Porter?

No, I haven't. Why? Is he supposed to be here?

No. So if you see him, please tell me.

Mm-hmm. Thanks.

♪ I'm a romantic ♪

♪ but never pearly white ♪

♪ all my hair grows in ♪

♪ wrinkles leave my skin ♪

♪ but still don't fade ♪ Yeah, come on. Tonight, we're not a plumber and a masseur and a guy that makes pizzas. We're a rock 'n' roll band.

Right, Dave?

♪♪♪ Absolutely.

Look, I'm gonna check with the guy about the light cues.

Hey, doc.

He's in your band?!

Oh. I know.

It sounds crazy, but we've worked through everything.

It's cool.

No. This is too dangerous.

I need to speak to him right now.

Doc, you just have to trust me on this one, okay?

Now, Dave. I speak to him right now...

Or I call the police.

♪ A little bit about... ♪ Okay. You win.

Come on.

♪♪♪ Ah.

I hope you realize I'm only doing this because I want to help you.

I genuinely care about you, Dave.

♪♪♪ I know you do, Dr. Heller.

And I like you.

Actually, I like you a lot.

I'm sorry.


♪ a bit about yourself? ♪ I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I can actually smell our fear.

If I could see where the exits are, I'd run for 'em.

I can't believe we let Dave talk us into this. By the way, where is Dave?

Hey, Jackson. Where are you going?

The guys are about to start.

Uh, bathroom. Back in a sec. Oh, the men's room's packed, but there's an employee bathroom back there. Thank you.

Hey, Dave, is that the bathroom?

No. I think that's it there.

Oh. Okay. Thanks.

We're up. Where the hell is Dave?


We thought you ditched us. Where were you?

Needed a little liquid courage. Come on, boys. Let's do it. Odyssey! Odyssey!

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, the battle of the bands is back, so please give a big welcome to blue odyssey.


♪ mustang Sally ♪

♪ guess you better slow your mustang down ♪

Hey, Warren. Yeah?

♪ Mustang Sally now, baby ♪ Get up, you little bastard!

Don't you touch him! Don't you touch him!

Go home now! I know what you did to Anne.

Better listen to your mommy, little boy. Go home.

You're dead. I don't care what it takes. You're dead.

Stop it! Go on! Go on! Go on!

♪ You've been running all over town ♪ Hitting women and children?

You must be so proud.

♪♪♪ Lock that door.

♪♪♪ What were you thinking?

You could've gotten hurt in there!

You are responsible for this. Whatever happens is your fault.

♪ Ride, Sally, ride ♪

♪ one of these early mornings ♪

♪ you gonna be wipin' your weepin' eyes, yeah ♪


♪ mustang Sally ♪ Oh, my god! Fire!

What's... what's happening?

This way! This way!

Jackson... he's in the bathroom. Oh, there's an exit there.

He'll get out. Come on. We have to go now.

Hey! Hey! Open up!

Gaby! Your friend! Hey!

Oh, crap.

Come on. Let's get you out of here.

Let's go. Okay.

Hey, since I'm saving your life and all, you wanna think about maybe keeping us in your will? No.

Eh, it was worth a shot.

It's locked.

Look out!

Quit pushing!

Come on. No, I gotta make sure everyone gets out of here. Go!



Don't push! One at a time!

Jackson! Jackson!

What are you doing? Get the hell out of here!

Jackson... he's still in there. He's in the bathroom.

I'll get him. Go. Just go. Mike...

Get out! Go!

Jackson! Jackson!

Jackson. Thank god.

Where's Mike?

I don't know. I didn't see him.

Is he still in there? Yeah! He went in there to find you.

What? Mike? Mike's still in there?

Dave, no!




Mom! Dad. Aah!

Porter, I told you to go home. What are you doing here?

You! You son of a bitch!

You did this! What are you talking about? Stay away from my kid!

Your kid burned down my club.

Susan, do you think he's still in there?

I didn't see him.

Look, my husband's still inside.

You've gotta go back in there!

I'm sorry. That roof is about to collapse.

Now please get back.

Someone's coming!

Hang in there. I'm not done with you yet.

There was a fire last night in Fairview.

If you open up your morning paper, you can read about those who survived...

And those who were injured...

Those who barely escaped with their lives...

And those who didn't.

You can also read about a man who risked his life to rescue his neighbor.

What you won't read about are the reasons for this bravery.

You're the one who pulled that guy out of the fire.

Can I interview you?

And that's because...

No one ever doubts...

A hero.