Detroit Rock City (1999) Script

We've only just begun Before the rising sun

We've only just begun Day by day Together Oh, and together Just the two of us

What is that?

Oh, come on!

Shut up!


The devil's music.

You say you wanna go for a spin The party's just begun, we'll let you in You drive us wild We'll drive you crazy

You keep on shouting

I can't fucking hear you!

I wanna rock and roll all night And party every day

You keep on shouting What?

Give it to me, baby!

I wanna rock and roll all night Let's party And party every day I wanna rock I wanna rock until I die

Thank you, Cleveland!

You've been great... but after three and a half hours of kick-ass rock and roll... and seven encores on top of that...

I'm sorry to say we gotta get back to our hotel rooms... and fuck some groupies, so...

What are you doing, man?

Fuckin' asshole, man.

That's my bass.

Just one more day of school to get through, girls... before tomorrow night.

Come on, all Detroit, Michigan, you wanted the best!

You got the best!

The hottest band in the world!


Who is it?

Shit, man! It's Jam's mom.

What? It's my mom?

Cover this shit up.

Spray something. It smells like dope.

Just like Jam's mom to ruin the fucking party.

It smells in here, man.


You get out here this instant!

Hi, Mom.


What's up?

The devil's body count, that's what's up.

Don't you know what "KlSS" stands for?

Knights In Satan's Service.

-Where is Karen Carpenter? -How would I know?

-You have Donny and Marie, too? -Why would l?

I had a nightmare that bullshit like this might happen.

If he misses Peter Criss' drum solo... he won't be able to continue with his life.

Lex, quit jinxing us, man.

Nobody's missing that concert tomorrow night.

They're larger-than-life space-age comic-book heroes... the most sensational phenomenon of the past decade.

Their fans are fanatical.

Each fan has a favorite, each one a fantasy.

The rock-and-roll band Kiss is in town.

For some people, that spells trouble with a capital "T".

I shall resign the presidency effective at noon tomorrow.

Kiss is hotter than hell!

The protesters are mainly religious groups.

Satan worship and drugs among our kids.

Each 12 1/2-inch figure sold separately.

-Jam. -Hawk.

Listen. We're in a bit of a quandary right now.

-They're fucking gone! -What's gone?

What do you think? The Kiss tickets!


-Please tell me you have them. -Why would I have them?

I don't know, man.

Check whatever you were wearing last night.

Now, man!

I got 'em.

He's got 'em.

I must have taken Trip's jacket by mistake.

I'm really sorry about that.

Don't be such a wuss, Jam.

Are you grounded?

Yeah, but has that ever stopped me before?

See you guys at school.

Poor Jam, man.

Imagine having to stash your Kiss records... in Carly Simon album covers.

How shitty is that?

No question.

Mrs. Bruce is a psycho bitch from hell.

You're one to talk, Lex.

Your mom's a fuckin' dyke.

Just because she's a female gynecologist... that doesn't mean she's a lesbian.

Even if she was... at least my mom didn't give birth to me while on LSD.


Will you guys quit the mom bashing?

Lex's mom is cool because she lets us spend the night... and if it wasn't for your mom, Trip... we wouldn't have smoked that fine Panama Red last night.

So leave the women who gave you life out of it.

They're both cool.

Let's go.

-Trip, you asshole! -What?

You spilled the bong water all over the bed.


Come on.

Jeremiah, it's time to go. Get--

What are you doing?

Just, uh, whew!

Getting a little sunshine.

You're gonna be late if you don't change soon.


What's wrong with the clothes I wore last night?

It's dirty laundry, for one thing.

And you still haven't tried on the clothes I bought you.

You're skating on thin ice, so I wouldn't push my luck.

Get out of those rags.

Mom, it's--

And, besides, those jeans are so tight...

I can see your penis.

Excuse me.

This jacket, it stinks of B.O.

It's enough to make a person sick.

Now, remember.

I have my church meeting... so you'll be on the honor system tonight.

I'll be home a little after one.

And if you've been partying... or playing that satanic Kiss music...

need I remind you of the consequences?

Grounded for the rest of the year?

You are a smart boy.

Put these on before they go out of style.

Come on, take it.

Man, school. What a fuckin' waste of time.

I wish someone would tell these chicks that disco's dead!

Don't stare too long, boys. You'll go blind.

Yeah, right.

Stellas. I hate Stellas almost as much as I hate dogs.

Yeah, man. Same species when you think about it.

Shit, man. That geek looks like Jam.

That geek is Jam.

Hey, dork!

Who did your wardrobe?

Tad the Preppie Sailboat Captain?

My mom had me over a barrel, all right?

After last night, I had to let her dress me.

It's a give-and-take relationship.

She gives you shit, and you take it.

Hey, Jam, hand over the tickets.



There's a, uh... Iittle, little problem.

They're still at my house in Trip's jacket.

What are you talking about?

She was standing over me when I was changing.

You are so pathetic.

That's some sick shit right there, man.

Does she comb your ass hair for you, too?

If she even smells those tickets... she'll destroy 'em... and we miss Kiss for the third year in a row.

It's gonna be OK. Don't worry.

They're at my house. They're perfectly safe.

We'll go there after school and pick them up.

My mom's not even gonna be there.

Hours from now we're actually gonna be seeing Kiss.

We'll just double-time it to your house... grab the tickets... then head to the train station... for the three forty-five to Detroit Rock City!


Well, as they say in the tampon biz... see you next period.


I'm sorry.

It's not a problem.



Hey, Beth.

I'm so sorry.

Mr. Bruce, Miss Bumsteen, is there a problem?

Uh, no, there... there's no problem.

I'm so sorry.

Don't worry about it.

I wanted to tell you something.


I know we don't know each other that well or anything, but...

But what?

Today is gonna be the last time I can--

I'm mov--

Jeremiah Bruce, please come to the office.

Jeremiah Bruce, come to the office immediately.

Give me that microphone!

Jeremiah Bruce! This is your mother!

You are in big trouble, young man.

What I found in the pocket of that stinky jacket of yours... has me more than livid.

You get your little fanny out of that seat... and you meet me in the front office.

How dare you do this!

How dare you humiliate me after I work so hard for you!

You take my hard-earned money... and you and your idiot friends spend it... on Kiss tickets?!


You don't understand.

Oh, I understand perfectly.

And so will Father Philip McNulty.

You're sending me to boarding school?

What else can I do?

Records, magazines, comic books, that's one thing... but tickets.

Do you realize what this means?

You are no longer content merely hearing their awful music... and looking at photos of their horrific faces.

Now you want to see the devil in the flesh!

You want to reach out and touch pure evil.

And in Detroit, no less.

It's been a long time coming... but you are finally going to get the discipline you deserve.

But, Mom--

Shut up!

I knew it.

We're completely fucked.

For once, Lex is right.

Can't get any worse from here.

I hope you rodents have hall passes.

Fuck, it's Elvis!

Could that be three detentions I smell?

Second floor, girls bathroom. He'll never find us there.

Fuck! Son of a bitch, man!

Take it easy, man.

This is the girls crapper, remember?

Wake up, Lex!

We just watched Jam's mom torch ourfucking Kiss tickets!

Not REO Speedwagon... not Journey, not the Bay City Rollers.

Kiss, man!

If you know a better reason to trash a girls bathroom...

I'd sure like to hear it.

What the fuck are you doing?

-This is school. -So what?

I think we're clear, dudes.

Let's go.

-Shit. Girls, girls. -Shit.

Sharon Van Hoft.

I've had the hots for her since second grade.

Man, I've never heard a girl blow ass before.

Get the fuck out!


God forbid someday you have a son like you.

A boy who lies through his teeth... buys demonic records... and smokes the dope.

Sorry. Sorry.

Anyone upfor an enema?

Shit, man.

Maybe some music will cheer us up.

Simple Simon on the rock of Detroit... home of the biggest Kiss giveaway... in the history of the universe!

I got four front-row tickets... along with four backstage passes... to the concert tonight at Cobo Hall... and I'm giving 'em to the 106th caller... who can tell me the real names of each Kiss band member.

Oh, shit.

This is horse shit.

It's too bad we're stuck in this prison.

I got it.

Mr. Verudi, get back to your bench.

I gotta take a leak like you would not believe.

Put a clothespin on it till the end of class.

But, Mr. J... ever since my doctor put me on these salt pills--

Salt pills?

Don't insult my intelligence.

Oh, man, I'm taking a leak in my pants.

Get the hell out of here.

You disgust me.

I need to be connected to the WURP contest line.

Now, lady, come on!

Oh, yeah, man!

I won!

We! We won!

We're going to Detroit!

This is the greatest thing that ever happened to me in school.

Not only are we on for Kiss in Detroit... but we're gonna be sitting front row, center, man.

Guys, our band Mystery is a quartet, right?

We can't go on the road without our drummer.

Jam's mom said something about taking him to St. Bernard's.

I say we bust him the hell out of there.

St. Bernard's is in the next county.

Your mom's car has a CB, radar detector... cruise control, check.

We're not stealing my mom's car, OK?

Damn right, we are, man.

One ding on that Volvo... and I'm fucked when my mom gets back from Cincinnati.

She won't even know we touched it.

If one thing happens to the car, I'm blaming you.

I'm gonna say you drugged me.

I say we leave.

Hold on. We're ditching school?

About time if you ask me.

I'm just going through the motions... till I'm old enough to drop out anyway.

Shit. Guys, Elvis alert.

I notice the trays match your outfits.

Did you plan that?

Excuse me, ladies.

He stinks!

I'm responsible for that!

Pray hard, Jeremiah.

God loves you.

That he does.

God bless you, Father McNulty.

If you think that recklessness and disobedience... can get you expelled... think again.

St. Bernard's may punish you... even for the slightest digression, but... it'll never cast you out, even for the largest.

So, here you are, Jeremiah.

Here to stay.

Damn, man, come on. Let's go bust him out.

No, man. We can't just waltz in there.

We've gotta figure out a plan.

The eagle's landed, you guys.

You kids know where Philip McNutly's office is?

You ordered a pizza?

-What's the damage, young man? -Ten even.

If he offers you a slice, you're not hungry.

Ten dollars, and I'm donating your tip to the church.

The Lord thanks you.

Tell the big guy not to mention it.

I am famished.

Well, hope you brought a lunch for yourself.

No, but I'm not hungry anyway.

Oh, it finally speaks.

There's one barrier we've broken through.

Your coming here reminds me of the Prodigal Son.

Once, there was a man, and he had two sons.

They both grew up on the farm with him.

One day--

That was a very stale mushroom.

Well... where was l?

Man, come on, this is such a lousy view.

How are we supposed to know when he's lit?

It usually takes ten minutes to half an hour.

All depends, you know?

He's lit.

I've been telling that sermon for years.

This is the first time I've realized... it's the work of some comedy mastermind.

The Prodigal Son is a barrel of fuckin' monkeys.

Wait, wait!

You kids can't go in there.

No, it's OK. We're old buds of Father McNulty's.

How's it hangin', padre?

I just heard you talking through my nose.

Is it possible my nose has eardrums?


We're here to take ourfriend Jam... to the big satanic Kiss concert tonight if that's OK with you.

Satan? Satan?


They're the same letters. They're the same guy.

It's the same friggin' guy.

What the hell are you doing, Sister Gonorrhea?

Waitin' for a bus?

You'll still get rowdy with the girls and boys

'Cause it's time for you to take a stand Yeah, whoo Shout it, shout it Shout it out loud You've got to have a party Shout it, shout it Shout it out loud Whoa, dudes, man.

I just had the killerest vision, man.

Imagine Mystery... opening up for Kiss, man.

Oh, that'd be fucking it.

Yeah, man. It could happen, man.

You know, in '73, Kiss was opening for Blue Oyster Cult.

One year later to the day, man...

Blue Oyster Cult was opening for Kiss.

We're not opening for anybody... until our lead singer gets over his stage fright.

God, man.

I don't have fucking stage fright, Lex.

Then why'd you pass out on stage at Bing's party... before the first fucking song?

That was one show, man.

That was our only show, and you dropped like a dead deer on us.

Shut up.

I'm solid gold I got the goods They stare when I walk through the neighborhood I'm makin' it I got the chance, I'm takin' it No more, no more Fakin' it This time in life I'm takin' it Woo woo woo Makin' it Gimme this pizza.

It's the last piece.

It's mine, all right?

Fuck, man. Only a car full of Stellas and Guidos... would ride your ass on a two-lane highway and honk.

Oh, man.

Listen, everyone here This coming year's gonna Be my year I'm as bad as they come Number two to no one I got looks, I got brains And I'm breaking these chains Throw that shit out before it stains the up--

Throw it out of the car, you asshole!

Come on, man!

I'm makin' it

Oh, fuck, man.

Kenny, you asshole, you just killed a bird.

That's no bird.

That's a hunk of fuckin' cheese, Kenny.

A hunk of fuckin' cheese?

We just pissed off the lncredible Hulk... his idiot half brother, and two circus clowns.

I'm gonna fuckin' kill these bastards.

Pull the fuckin' car over!

I'm gonna fuckin'-- Pull over!

No way, man.

You're dead!

Suck my cock!

You should pull over and apologize.

This motherfucker's dead!

The paint!


Pull over!

Out of the car.


Oh, shit! God--

Oh, God! Aah, shit!

That's not funny, Kenny.

Oh, God!

Oh, that's not very nice, man.

You are a complete asshole, Kenny.

Not the fag music.

Get out of the way.

Cut it with the macho crap already.

This is about pizza, man.

Can we try and leave Kiss out of it?

What, a bunch of guys who make bad music... dress like freaks... and wear more makeup than all my sisters combined?

No. These assholes gotta be stopped.

That's it. I'm leaving.



You googats in the head or something?

We're on the side of the freakin' highway.

Fuck her.

Kool and the Gang, that's music.

But this?

This is crap.

That's crap.

All right, fag-mo.

Have you learned your lesson yet, puke?

Well... if the lesson is that you're a dick with ears... and a really bad haircut...

I'd say yeah, I learned my lesson.

-Break his fucking legs, Kenny. -Fuckin'--

Come on, we can talk about this, right?

You know, maybe reason a little bit.

When these guys wake up, they're gonna look for you.

You best hope they don't find you...

'cause if they do, they're gonna kick your asses.

Oh, yeah, Stella. And we'll deserve it, too.

But you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make it really worth their while.

Oh, God!

Thanks for letting us use your makeup supply.

You must have the entire Revlon factory in your purse... you greasy disco ball.

Very funny.

I hope you fuckin' choke to death and die... you loser-ass motherfuckers!

Disco sucks!

Fuck you!

Fuck! Fuck!

They put the fag makeup on you.

They put the fag makeup on?

The fuckin' fag makeup's on you.

Oh, no. I got fag makeup on me.

Hey, look. It's that girl.

Man, that's no girl. That's a Stella.

Yeah, well, Stella or no Stella... we should pull over and help her out.

Fuckin' inbred oaf.

Kenny. Fuck you.

Fuckin' kick your ass.

Man, what the hell is wrong with you?

You got a thing for that thing?

It's a teenage girl walking along the side of the highway.

They make scary movies that start out like that.

Hey, but they make porno movies... that start out like that, too, man.

Oh, great. Just hitched a ride with a bunch of potheads.

Look, I'm trying to hook up with some people... at this funky place in Detroit called Disco lnferno.

You mind dropping me there?

What's it worth to you?

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

It doesn't mean anything. Don't pay attention to him.

It's more like Disco's lnfernal.

Ooh, you hot baby, you.

You know, your clothes may say disco... but your eyes say rock and roll.

Well, your belt buckle may say rock and roll... but your breath says pepperoni, baby.

Are you gonna, like, suck our dicks, or what?


-That's so fuckin' rude, man. -Fuck you, Jam.

Stop being a wussy sensitive guy just to impress her.

She's obviously not gonna put out, man.

She's a tease, man.

A tease? What the hell did I do to tease you mongoloids?

You got in the fuckin' car, didn't you?

How calculating of me to lead you on like that... after you offered me a ride in the middle of nowhere.

Whatever, Stella.

My name's Christine. Not Stella.

You don't have to be such pigs 'cause I prefer Donna Summer... or K.C. and the Sunshine Band or the Village People over Kiss.

Fuckin' Village People. They're a fag band.

They take it up the coast.

All right, all right, guys.

Thanks, but I can take care of myself, Germ.


OK, dope burnout, let's get one thing straight here.

As far as I'm concerned, good tunes is good tunes.

Disco or rock or polka or whatever have you... regardless of the category.

Disco is just easier to dance to.

You call that Denny Terio, John Travolta shit dancing?

You know something? Disco's so fucking big now...

I wouldn't be surprised if Kiss did a disco song someday.

If it's one thing Kiss will never do... it's a bullshit disco song.

No shit, man.

Yeah. Disco blows dogs for quarters, man.

That's an intelligently biting remark... wrought with wit and irony.

If you don't like that one... maybe you'll think it's really funny... when we kick your fuckin' ass out of the car.

Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?

Why don't you lick my hairy crack?

Why don't you bend over? You're looking right at it.

That last remark fell about thirty yards away... from making any sense whatsoever.

You're right.

Bend over, you're looking right at it?

What the hell is that supposed to mean anyway?

Give me a hit off that "J," will ya?

That's some kick-ass shit.

Move out of my way!

Lex, thank you for letting us borrow your mom's car, man.

Man, that weed knocked her straight on her ass.

She's sleeping like a baby Stella.

Man, let's lift up her skirt.

-There it is! -What?

Holy fuck! We made it. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! Thank you!


I'm going into swarm-o mode.

Oh, shit!

I'm the King of the Nighttime World!

This is better than the first time...

I got to finger a chick, man.

It's happening, man!


This is so lucky.

We got two hours to spare!

-Check out that parking space. -Get in there!

Ample time to go to the station and grab our tickets.

God is smiling down upon us tonight.

That's weird. I figured he'd be pissed as hell at me.

Fuck, yeah!

Oh, baby!

This is so awesome, man.

No way, man!

I can't wait!

We're going to Kiss

Let's get out of here, man.

-Simple Simon? -The one and only.

You kids have to hurry this up.

I'm due at Cobo Hall in a half hourfor the warmup.

We're right behind you, Simon.

We want to thank you in advance for those burly-ass ticks.

Your name isn't Trip, is it?

Oh, no. My name's Trip.

Remember? We were talking on the phone?

Go, caller.

Eugene Klein, Stanley Eisen...

Peter Crisscoula, and Paul Frehley.

You just got yourself four tickets... and four backstage passes... Cobo Hall tonight! -We won!

Stay on the line so we can get yourfull name...

Trip? You didn't hang up on me, did you, Tri--

What kind of total moron... would hang up after winning Kiss tickets?

Well, there you have it. We had no choice.

We gave the tickets to the next caller.

I'm sorry.


Get off of him!

This noise machine... is more than just a quartet of lousy musicians.

There's a woman who abuses her privilege of motherhood.

-What is Kiss backwards? -Ssik!

Oh, shit!

Guys, where's the Volvo?

It was fucking stolen, man.

Christine stole it. Sleep, my ass.

The Stella booted with your mom's wheels.

Son of a bitch, man! How can this happen?

Why are you laughing?

I'm starting to get real mad.

Jam, you ass!

Why'd you talk us into picking up this bitch?

I'm sorry, man. I was trying to be nice.

I'm sick of your nice shit!

Drummers are supposed to have some fucking balls.

Fuck you, man. I was being conscientious.

I didn't think she was going to steal his mom's car.

Jam, just shut your faggotty-ass mouth, OK?

You're pissing me off.

Now, we came all this way... we got an hour and forty-five minutes... and we got absolutely nothing.

So help me, God, we are going to that concert.

We must get the cops in on this Volvo situation.

Lex, this is Detroit.

You think the cops will waste city dollars on a Swedish car?

You're right.

My mom's got insurance.

Why am I freaking out?

It's cool. She's gonna try to ground me for a year.

I don't give a shit, man.

Exactly. Cool, bro.

Oh, shit! Man, I'm in big trouble!

I'm in big fucking trouble! The car's gone, man!

Shut the fuck up, man!

We're trying to think!

Wait a second, man.

I know how we can get the fucking tickets, man.

We beat the fucking shit out of four little kids.

Like, take their fuckin' tickets.

Brilliance, Trip. Sheer fuckin' brilliance.

Why don't you give Albert Einstein here... the fuckin' Nobel Prize?!

Look, I think I can barter with a scalper.

If you guys can think of a better plan, go for it.

For the next hour and a half, it's every dude for himself.

We'll reconvene at that intersection at 8:45.

I'll see you guys later. Good luck.

I don't know what the fuck we're doing.

Look around you tonight, mothers.

Look at all the young faces.

Oh, they smile and they laugh... but their eyes have lost all hope.

This satanic group Kiss... has stolen their souls!



I do not know how you got here tonight... and I do not want to know.

All I know is... you are going to pay dearly for this one, young man.

Oh, my God.

The mass, Father-- so inspirational.

Father, thank you.

Come again next week.


It's Jeremiah.

I'm desperate.

My son was about to defy God... by going to that blasphemous Kiss concert.

In that case, come right in.

He and his mom just went into that church.

Can I go and say good-bye to him?

Beth, I am not gonna let you wander the streets after dark.

I'm not going to wander. I'm just going over there.

Fine. As long as we know where you are.

Thank you.

Don't be too long. We need to get back on the road.

-Stuart. -Just relax.

She's probably got a crush on the kid or something.

Hey, chief, need a ticket?

Second row, center, but it's seventy-five clams.

Aw, man, this is all I got. Look.

Scare up the extra gravy.

Brother, take it easy.

Where am I supposed to find that kind of money in an hour?

Well, um... check it out over there.

There's a contest going on.

You take off your pants, shake your wee-wee, get $100.

I can't take off my clothes and dance like that, man.

That's embarrassing, man.

Check it out, man.

The question you got to ask yourself is... how badly do you want to see... the greatest fucking rock-and-roll show... on the fucking earth, right?

You're talkin' Gene and Paul live, y'all.

I'm talkin' about voluptuous women in the audience.

I'm talkin' big breastesses in tight vestesses, my friend.

You're talkin' people passin' around joints in the audience.

You're talkin' about Detroit Rock City, brother.

Shake your wee-wee.

I got stage fright.

And they're playing fucking disco over there.

Shit or get off the pot, rock star.

You want to dance?

Or see Kiss on album covers for the rest of your life?

Mmm, second row, center, brother.

Go shake your wee-wee.

You're gonna have that ticket for me, right?

Oh, yeah, man, you got my solemn oath... as a public servant.

Go for it, brother.

All right.

See you around.

Hey, chief, you need a ticket?

Seventy-five bucks, second row, center.

I'm gonna beat my ticket... out of some poor defenseless chump.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, whatever, reefer-head.

You fuckin' burnout.

Take it off, honey!


Don't do that.

I need to sign up for the contest, please.

You're a little scrawny, but thanks to the concert... we're low on amateurs. Name?

Pick a song, Hawk.

You got any Kiss?

Doubtful. Drink?

Yeah. A man's drink.

Oh, God.

What's this?

You've never seen a bourbon on the rocks before?

Save your money, stud muffin.

Lady at the end of the bar sends her love.

Oh. Shit.



It's gone bad.

Hey, you little twerps.

Give me your Kiss tickets, or I'll pop yourfaces in.

But we don't have any Kiss tickets.

Yeah. Kiss sucks!

What? I ought to kick your asses for saying that.

Give me this instead. Now scram! Get out of here!


Simple Simon comin' at you.

It's thirty minutes and counting until Kiss hits the stage... tonight at Detroit's very own Cobo Hall... but until then, here they are with "Shock Me"!

Rock on, Ace!

Hey, little kid!

Shit! You just stumped my last ball, you--

Scream and I'll kick your head off.

OK, booger, your Kiss ticket or your life.

Please, sir, don't beat me up.

I do have a Kiss ticket but not on me.

Oh, likely story. Now hand it over, punk.

No, really. My brother's holding it for safekeeping.

Please, let me get him for you.

Hey, Chongo.

Look, little kid...

I don't need to see Kiss that bad.

Don't try to run, you maggot.

Chongo's an all-state track star in every event.

Lookit, man, you can have my wallet, OK?

I was gonna take your wallet anyway... after Chongo and his friends crush your ribcage...

Iike a pack of Luckys, punk.

This fairy giving you shit, bro?

He was gonna mug me for my Kiss tickets.

That's nuts.

I said, "Hey, little kid...

"you know where I could take a piss?"

OK, pimple dick, you have the option of walking outside... or gettin' dragged out.

Please, sir.

Don't kick my ass!

I'll do anything to get out of a beating.

Say, Chongo... perhaps we could use some extra cash... for tasty snacks at the Kiss concert... our weaselly friend won't be attending.

Hey, move those lights over there.

Hey, you.


Hey, come back here!


Come here! Come here!

All right, wise guy. You are so out of here.

Fuck! Keep your paws to yourself, you dumb ape.

Where'd he go?

It's been a while since my boy had Holy Confession.

Could you please--

Consider it done.

It is about time... you gave up that stupid dream of yours once and for all!

No son of mine is going to be a career musician... ever, ever, ever!

Madam, madam.

We are in a cathedral.

I'll walk you out.

Sorry. Sorry.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

This is my first confession in a... really long time.

That was our Viking Patrick Hirsch... and he's hung like a Norse.

Our next amateur has a name like a bird... and if you like birds, you'll like this.

It's just a swallow.

So, put your hands together, make him feel at home... and please welcome...Hawk.

Oh, shit.

No, no, no, no. No way, man.

You're not going to chicken out now, are you?

You're right, Deacon.

You're right, man.

Shit! What am I saying? I got to do this.

It's for Kiss.

Oh, my God!

Oh, the stink!

Man! Dang!


Come back here, you punk!


Move it!

Get off me, you bitch!

Get up. Come on, move it, sweetie.

Watch it, asshole.

Where is he? Where did he go this time?

Two hundred bucks?

My time's precious... and that's a reasonable price to pay for your sorry life.

Hold on, man.

Look, I know how I can get the money.

I just figured it out, man.

But you might want to wait outside.

I don't trust him.

I think he's on the level.

He's too stupid to do anything sneaky anyway.

Look at him. He's a moron.

You got fifteen minutes and not a second longer.

Are you sure that you don't want to talk about... oh, carnal knowledge with a neighborhood girl?

Or how about finding a box of magazines, huh?

Under your dad's bed?

Then I suggest you think of something... a little juicier to confess than losing Kiss tickets.

You waiting for a confession? I thought you were Jewish.

I have a confession.

I didn't mean for that to be so intense.

I can take it.

I've been in love with you since the moment I saw you.

I've just always been too scared to show it.

That's exactly the same way I've always felt about you.

Jeremiah, really?


And call me Jam.

It's my band name.

And now, for our grand prize of one hundred dollars...

Don't worry, ladies. I'm not competing.

If I did, you'd want your money back.

And the winner is...

Sir Loin!

Hey, don't look so sad.

The night is young-- filled with compensatory possibilities.

Oh, thanks for the drinks.

That was really generous.

There's no reason for me to be around these parts anymore.

I'm in a position to spend some money on you... if you'd get in a position and spend some time on me.

I can't believe you're thinking of robbing this store.

You don't pass "Go" and collect two hundred dollars... for pulling stuff like this.

No shit. Is this really worth it?

Sure, you're going to get your ass kicked... nine ways to Sunday by that fucking gorilla... but that's still a hundred times better... than getting it porked for the next three to five.

What about that girl, Trip?

She'll never forget this night.

Even if you get away with it, she'll be scarred for life.

When are you going to realize that sometimes being tough... means being tender?

All right, everybody, shut up!

I'm going to have to do this sometime.

Might as well be now.

Evening, honey.

You know what I am, what this is... and what you need to do, so let's do it quick.

Everybody else... kindly introduce yourselves to the floor and kiss it hello.

Do it or die, bitch.

I'm just a high school kid.

Fuck school!

I went through the motions till I was old enough to drop out.

And where's all that studying going to get you tonight?

Robbed at gunpoint and possibly shot in the fucking head!

Hey, scumbag, drop it, or I'll blow your head off.

You and what army?

The Kiss Army.

Oh, God, they're in there.

Oh, shit!

Come on!

God, if you get me out of this...

I swear I will never pull my pork again.

Give me your gun, boy.

You give me your gun, boy.

I don't even think you have a gun.

Neither do l.

For the last time... take the piece out...

Iay back down... or your mom's going to need Mr. Clean... to get the brains out of your ski cap!

Thank you.

Who are you?

Eh, they call me Dr. Love.

Is it true that Gene Simmons... had a cow's tongue grafted onto his real tongue?

I think he, uh... had the piece of skin under his tongue removed... so he could stick it out farther.

I was going to send you this, but...

Ann Arbor?

Yeah. My dad's company is relocating him.

That's why I was acting so freaky at school today.

I thought it'd be the last time I'd ever see you.

Oh, fuck.

You'd better have something really sinful for me this time.

All right, Father, here it is.

I feel a little ashamed talking to you about this... but I went to my cousin's wedding... and one of the bridesmaids... asked me if I wanted to take a bath.

This is terrible.

This girl was a total fox... so I finally gave into temptation... about a block away from the wedding reception... at this little motel that charges by the hour.

When she peeled off that gown... you are not going to believe what she was wearing underneath.

Was it a teddy?

A bustier?

Satin underwear?

Crotchless panties?

Leopard-skin bra?

Fishnet leotard?

A leather G-string?

All right, guys, here. You want a sandwich?

Come on. Go. Go!

OK, fuck it, man. I give up.

Oh, God, man, what now? Wolves?

All right.

I jump in the car. I hot-wire it in thirty seconds.

I start driving. Suddenly, I hear this scream.

The disco queen was asleep in the backseat the whole time.

What are we going to do with her anyway?

I don't know, but she looks like fun.

Hey, hey, take it easy.

Ah, God.

You don't want to get any whiskey dick around here.

Of course, you don't have to worry about that.

Aw, shit.

I see you've met Premature Peter.

I'm sorry.

That's OK.

It's been quite a night.

So far, you've seen me and my dick throw up.

I'm sure there's more where that came from, right?

Now come here.

You guys better kill me... before you do what you're thinking about doing... because when I get angry, I can bite down very hard.

Sweet Polly Purebred's got some spunk, huh?

I'll give her some spunk, all right.

We can strip that Beemer in fifteen minutes.

I say we can strip her in fifteen seconds.

Now, wait a minute, guys. Two on one ain't fair.

Why don't you let me get my friend Barbara?

You'd love her-- tits the size of your head.

You'll feel like a little baby sucking on them.

You guys like disco?

I teach disco dancing back at my church.

You guys look like you got a little rhythm in your blood.

Free lessons if you let me go.

Oh, I know a dance we could do-- the Horizontal Hustle.

Hey, peanut turds.

I'm here for the girl and the car.

You can try to stop me... but you're not going to like what happens if you do.

It's too bad. He was such a young idiot.

Hey, he's a stupid boy.

He deserves to fucking die.

Tear these grease monkeys a new asshole!

One step out of that office, and your asses are Alpo.

I always come prepared.

You're the coolest.

I believe you were promised a ride to Disco lnferno.

Let me escort you to the car.

What about the fucking dogs?

You got a phone in there, man?

Call the cops.

You're fuckin' dead!

Beth, I feel like such an idiot.

Why didn't I just say something a year and a half ago?

Don't think about the past.

Let's just think about from today on.

I'll never forget you, Jam.

Church will never be the same.

God damn it, Beth!

I'm coming, Dad.



I'll call you, as soon as we get a phone.

-All right. -Yeah.

I hope this helps.

No, no. You know what?

Strange as it may seem...

I don't think I can take the money.

It would cheapen the whole experience.

I ain't no Midnight Cowboy or anything like that.

I'm not paying you for the lovemaking.

I just want you to have this... for whatever you needed it for when I made the offer.


Was there any money taken?

Nope... but it is Smiley Mart's policy to give a cash reward of $150... to anyone who stops a robbery.

I gave him the money, and he took off.


You see this guy again, call us, all right?

We want to ask him a few questions.

If I see Dr. Love again anytime soon... you're going to have to wait till I'm done with him first.

One-thirty... one-forty, and one-fifty.

That's all I got, man.

I really wanted things to work out for you... my weaselly, dimwitted friend.

You got spunk.

At least I still got you, Stretch.

I took his head off.

Kiss? How dare they call themselves Kiss.

Kiss is about love.

They are teaching our children lust, betrayal, and hate.

We as parents are obligated--

How's it going, Mom?

I'm going to ask you this nicely first.

Can I have my drumsticks back?

Your drumsticks are the least of your worries, young man.

You ran out on God!

My son just ran out on God!

You are in a world of--


I've been in trouble for the past twelve hours.

I'm going to be in St. Bernard's boarding school... for the next two years of my life, remember?

I'm going to be out of your hair until I am a legal adult!

Then all you have to do is go to church...

Iight a candle, and pray to some stupid statue... and all is forgiven and forgotten, right, Mom?

Then you can spend your days in a guilt-free pursuit... of more constructive activities...

Iike telling everybody else how screwed up their lives are.

Then you no longer need the patience... and understanding required... in order to talk to your own son on some normal plane.

That way, you don't even need to think... about how tough it was for you when you were growing up.

It's probably a good thing, too, 'cause if you did... you'd realize what a lousy... goddamn, shitty-ass parent you are.

What has gotten into you?

I just lost my virginity in a confessional booth!

Lord have mercy!

Now... for the last time...

Mom, give me back my fucking drumsticks.



They grow upfast, don't they?

Hey, dude.

Dude, I got the cash, man. Check it out.

No, that can't be the last ticket!


You fucking bastard!

Any luck?

Yeah, man, plenty, but it was all bad, man.

I found the Volvo.


Wait a second. I know how we can get in.

I say that we beat the shit out of each other, right?

Then we go to the ticket taker... and we say that we got mugged and our tickets were stolen.

They have to let us in then, right?

Why not?


No! God!

Oh, man, you got to let us in.

Four muggers just stole our tickets.

You expect me to believe that?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Look at us.

It was those assholes right there!

They stole our tickets!

Number thirteen!

Hey, stop those guys.

They got tickets.

Let's see. Come here.

They even stole my wallet, man.

I've never even seen these assholes before.

In there, you'll find my Kiss Army picture l.D... and a hundred and fifty bucks cash.

-Out of here. -Damn.

My midget weaselly friend.

I was really hoping things could work out for you.

You got spunk.


I got it, man.

We're going.

OK, then.

We want Kiss!

This is it.

You wanted the best, and you got the best!

The hottest band in the world--


I feel uptight on a Saturday night

Nine o'clock The radio's the only light I hear my song And it pulls me through

It comes on strong Tells me what I got to do I got to Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet Get down Everybody's gonna leave their seat You gotta lose your mind in Detroit Rock City Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet Get down Everybody's gonna leave their seat

Movin' fast, doin' ninety-five

I hit top speed Still movin' much too slow I feel so good I'm so alive I hear my song Playin' on the radio And it goes Get up Everybody's gonna move their feet

Get up Everybody's gonna leave their seat