Devil's Tower (2014) Script

I can't believe we gotta do this shit, man.

This thing's been in the ground three fuckin' months.

You know what it's gonna smell like?

Yeah, I know.

Stop bitching and let's just get this thing outta here.

I remember about 10 years ago, I had to do the same shit.

I almost died from the fucking stench.

Oh, God.


All right.

Let's do this.

(crickets chirping)

(animal howling)

Oh, fuck.

I'm gonna break my neck out here.

Hey, Danny.

How much further?

Not far-- just keep walking.

What the fuck?

What is that?

Do you think some kind of animal or something could have did this?

How the fuck is an animal gonna dig a hole like that?

Louie, gimme that flashlight.

Carmine. What?

Come here.

Go down and see if there is anything there.

Cock. Thank you.

Louie, help me out.

I'm not a fucking kangaroo.


There ain't nothing down here.

And I don't smell nothing neither.

Really, Carmine?

You don't smell a rat down there?

(guns cock)

Big "V" sends his regards.

Louie! Louie, Louie, Louie!

(Danny) Let's bury the rat and just get the fuck outta here.

I don't even know where the fuck we are.

Why'd we have to come all the way out here to do this?

We've been burying pricks like this out here for years.

If these woods could only talk, we'd all be in the can.

(distant scream)

(distant scream)

(metal clanks)


Who's over there?


Danny, look out! (gun clicking)

(screaming) Danny, no!

(knife slicing)


(Danny) Aah!


(Danny shouting)

(knife unsheaths)

(Louie grunting)


(knife clanking)

(knife slicing)

That is so pretty, you're gonna look so hot.

(indistinct chatter)

Pull it down, you don't wanna give away the milk for free.

It'll get so much lighter with the sun.

You have such a nice butt, like J.Lo.

(indistinct chatter)

Right here. (laughing)

(laughter and chatter)

(phone ringing)

(ringing continues)

Can somebody pick up the phone?

Why don't you answer the phone, bitch?

Don't you dare call her bitch.

I'll shove this curling iron right up your fat fucking ass, bitch.

I'll get the phone.

A Touch of Class, Teresa speaking.

Hold on... Ricardo.

It's for you.

He says that his name is Monty.




Excuse me.

Who do you think you are, calling me at work?

Oh, no, and don't ever call me again!

Yech! Ay, Dios mio.

I like this outfit-- Who's Monty?

Oh, some pig I met online last night.

We were chatting for just 10 minutes and he expects me to drive to his place at 1:00 a.m.

I said, "No, you can't just pick up the phone

"and send for me in the middle of the night.

What do you think I am, Pizza Slut?"


Mira, I have a picture of the slob.

Ugh. Is it the full Monty?

Yeah, that's the pig.


He's cute.

Should have called me last night.

I deliver.

Listen, honey, unless your pizza has pepperoni, don't even bother heating up your oven.


Come on, Dina.

I want to beat the traffic.

All done.

Let me just get my things.

Where the hell are you two going?

Down the shore for a girls' weekend of sun and sin.


Maybe the two of youse can either drown or get eaten by a shark and make it a holiday for all of us.

Heh, or who knows?

Maybe we'll find a beached whale and name her Christy.

Oh, sounds like fun.

And while you're looking for Mr. Right, Dina can sample all the Mr. Right Nows.


You said it, not me.

Whatever. I'm out of here.

I just kidding-- you know you fabulous.

You look so pretty.

You look so good.

I tell her that every time.

It's like a shelf up here.

They just hold up.

I don't know how she does it.

I made it! Hey!

Mwah! Hey!

Oh, you're not working today, Gigi.

You got that right.

Oh, chica, you too?

Wait, am I the only girl not going?

Next time, we'll invite you, I promise.

What am I gonna do this weekend?

Aww. I don't know.

Maybe you should ask Monty.

You get out of here, you...


(phone ringing)

Hello, Monty?

Yes, I'll taste your chorizo.

(horn honks)

Come on!

(pounding horn) Come on, Gigi, let's go!

All right, Dina, she's coming, she's coming.

Come on, Gigi, we want to beat the traffic.

Okay, Seaside Heights, here we come!

Michael, what are you doing here?

I was just driving by, and I saw your mother drop you off.

Where you going?

Not that it's any of your business, but I'm going down the shore to see the girls.

Well, I might be there too.

So maybe we should all hook up.

That is so not happening, Michael.

I just don't want you going down the shore with a car full of single girls.

Would you rather I go in a car full of single guys?

Don't be stupid, Gigi, you know you're still my girl.

Show me a little love.

It's not happening, Michael!

Now, go do something with Tony and Fat Angelo, and I'll call you on Monday.

So it's like that?

Yeah, Michael, it's exactly like that!

(Dina) Yeah, it's like that.


(Dina) What-- he's a dick.

Dina! Hey, fuck you, Dina!

Yeah, fuck all youse!

You're gonna regret this day, Gigi.

Remember I said that.

What's that supposed to mean?

Means drop dead!

(Dina) Fuck off, Michael!

What the fuck, Gigi? I don't know.

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing anymore.

I mean, one minute, I think I love him, and then the next, I wanna knock his fucking head off and throw it in the river.

Like right now?

Yes, I think so.

But he really is sweet, though, don't youse think?

So are you single or what?

Yeah, right now, I am.

You don't see no fucking ring on my finger, do you?

No, but if you really think that there's a chance for you and Michael, don't go hooking up with every guy in New Jersey just to prove to yourself you're single.

(horn blares) Fuck you, Dina!

No, no, no, no, no-- I'm with Gigi.

Until you're married, you do whatever the hell you want with whoever the hell you want, whenever the hell you want, 'cause guess what, Teresa?

Life's just too fuckin' short.

Okay... next topic.

When are the girls meeting us down in Seaside?

Uh, Joanne said that she, Candi, and Val left Brooklyn almost an hour ago, and that Val's cousin Rosemarie can't make it till tomorrow night.

So in other words, they could have stopped for hot dogs.

Or they're banging three guidos at a turnpike rest stop.



(horn honks)

Oh, my God, speak of the fucking devil.

(all whooping)

Almost fucking killed us. Oh, my God.

You should have seen the old man's face at the toll booth.

He was so funny, ha!

Put your tops back on and follow us.

Yeah, Jersey Shore!

(all whooping)


(horn honking)

(indistinct chatter)

Are you sure this is the right house, Dina?

Yeah, I'm fuckin' sure.

Come on.


What do you think you're doing here?

(Latin accent) Excuse me?

This is our rental.

What are you doing here?

Nice try, chonga.

This is our house, so get the hell out.

Take your little rat dog with you.

Who are you calling chonga, bruja?

Don't be scared, Pico.

I won't let her eat you.

I'm calling all of youse chonga.

And I'm calling the owner right now.

You no have to call, okay?

He lives right there, and I just gave him our check.

Really? Mm-hmm.

We'll see about that.





Hello there, ladies.

I'm Ronnie-- what can I do you for?

Yeah, Ronnie, we spoke on the phone a month ago to confirm our reservation for the house this weekend.

Oh, yeah!

Your friend just gave me a check, so we're cool.

Romero, right?

No... Romano.

Dina Romano, you idiot.


You're not all together?

Uh, give me a minute.

Don't go away-- hold on, just wait.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Here it is.

You're Romano.

They're Romero.

Romano, Romero, Romano You're two different parties.

That explains everything.

Fine... so can you get those chongas out of our house, so we can finally shower and unpack?

I'm afraid I can't do that, and here's why.

You see, I already gave them the keys, and then now they take over the house.

That's the law.

See, the house is not mine, it's theirs.

I know it's a little peculiar, but it's how they do it in Jersey.

Now that every house and hotel are booked, where are we supposed to go?

Nice going, Ronnie.

You managed to fuck us all.

Hold on-- hold on, hold on.

Why don't you guys just stay here with me?

Uhh! Excuse me?


Look, I can find ways of keeping you girls reasonably... entertained.

(all) Ugh!

I'll take that as a no.

Or I'll take it as a maybe.

Their loss.

Okay, pot, it's you and me.

(speaking Spanish)


I don't speak Mexican or Puerto Rican, but I know they definitely talking about us.

Fuckin' nightmare.

Hold on a second.

I'll be right back.

If that chonga gives me one more look, I swear, I'm going to fuck her up.

Who would believe that someone could screw something up so bad?

Are you trying to say this is my fault?

Well, whose fault is it?

(dog whimpers)

Oh, my God, your little fucking rat dog just pissed on my fucking leg!

Thanks for telling me.

I gotta go now and disinfect his pee pee.

Oh, my God, you're the best!

Thank you!

(phone beeps off)



Everybody back in the car.

Where are we going?

My Uncle Vito's house. Where's that?

About 15 miles west of here.

Do any of youse have a napkin?

Follow us.


Kiss my ass, chonga!

Gnaw on some meat?

Do they even know where we're going, or are we just lost?

I'll tell you right now, we're going straight back to Brooklyn if she thinks we're staying at a fucking campsite all weekend.

(newscaster) Your news for Ocean County.

Human remains were found today

in the Pine Barrens section of New Jersey.

According to detectives, the victims were alleged members

of the Rubino crime family.

Details of how this will affect the upcoming trial

of Big "V" Rubino, coming up.


(Dina) This ain't no campsite.

Where the hell are we?

We're right at the edge of the Pine Barrens, that's where we are.

So where's this Uncle Vito?

He's at his home in Staten Island.

If he tries leaving the house, his ankle bracelet beeps, the cops come, and he could be put in jail.

So he's under house arrest?

I mean, what did he do?

You know, he's an entrepreneur.

But because he's Italian, they keep harassing him for every single thing he does.

It's this way.

Oh, wow.

Here we are.

(Teresa) You can put your stuff down here.

Wow, look at all this stuff.

This has all the Belgian whistles.

You know, Teresa, I know your uncle, and I can't ever see him buying a house like this.

It was willed to him.

Willed to him-- by who?

Some guy in the entertainment industry that he used to do business with.

What happened to him?

Uh, no one really knows.

But since my uncle has business in New York and Philly, he kept this place because it's located right in the middle.

What about the people that live around here?

My uncle says they're not really friendly, unless they're trying to sell you things.

Well, obviously, they would be jealous, seeing how they live, and then seeing all of this.

It's pretty awesome-- the only thing we're missing now is a Jacuzzi.

Hey, even better.

Swimming pool!

(all shriek)

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Awesome! (squealing)


(women squealing)

Oh, my God. (all squeal)

(overlapping chatter) Oh, my God.

Not too bad, right?

Wow, you guys, we could totally go swimming later.

You guys can go.

(Candi) It's kind of dirty.

Should we call someone to clean it?

Uh, no.

I just have to clean the leaves off with the skimmer and change the filter.

(all shriek)


Where did that come from?

He had to come from the lake.

(frog croaking) Ohh.


What lake?

Um, I think it's... that way.

Come on, I'll show you.

Come on, little guy.

(thunder rumbling)

This is not a good idea.

Be free, little guy.


Saved your life.

That's not funny!

Teresa can't swim!

She has a serious fear of water, you stupid bitch!

Fuck you, Dina.

If you didn't fuck up the beach house, we wouldn't be here right now.

I'm sorry, Teresa. It's okay.

Let's just go back to the house and unpack.


You okay?

Yeah... I'm okay.

Okay, so there's plenty of rooms.

I'll room with Dina.

Gigi with Joanne, and Valerie and Candi can share a room.

Uh-uh, I'm not rooming with Candi.

Why not?

'Cause she farts in her sleep.

I do not.

Yeah, you do.

Okay, I'll stay with Candi, and Dina can stay with Valerie.

I'll just have to keep my window open all night.

(laughter) Knock it off.

Where's my cousin gonna sleep?

Uh, if she shows up, she can have the couch.

Good? Fine.

All right, let's go.

Whoo! Good.

Come on, my little stinker.

Oh, stop it.


This freaking bag is so... heavy!

Just be careful.

They already started renovating downstairs.

(bag thudding down stairs, glass shattering)

Sorry, Teresa.

Was that expensive?

You're not going to unpack?

Ugh, I'm so fucking tired, I'll do it later.

What's that?

What do you think it is?

I know what it is, but really?

Did you actually think you would need that thing down the shore-- I mean, you might as well bring sand to the beach.

Well, I don't leave home without it, and don't touch it.

Yeah, 'cause I'm just dying to touch that skuzzy thing.


My name is Edgar.

Would you like to try some of my sausages?

No, thank you, Edgar.

Yeah, none of us eat meat.

Yeah, we're all veterinarians.

All you girls look so pretty and shiny.

Are you all sisters?

I never had sisters.

I have a brother-- he's a asshole.

No, we're not sisters, but, um, it was nice meeting you, Edgar.

So instead of watching hot-looking guys with washboard stomachs on the beach, we're gonna hang out with Edgar, the 300-pound axe murderer, instead.

Just because he's big, sloppy, and weird doesn't make him an axe murderer.

So what are we doing tonight?

I'm getting bored.

I'm not driving all the way back to the shore in that traffic again.

Fine, Teresa, what do we do around here?

Well, forget about going to a bar or a club.

Those things don't exist around here.

Mm, there was that sign down the road for that Jersey Devil tour.

(laughing) Are you kidding me?

Walking around in the woods, listening to stupid ghost stories.

Well, we can either do that or stay here all night while Edgar leers at us through the windows.

Who knows, maybe we'll meet some hot guys.

(flies buzzing)


Good evening, ladies.

Would you like to take the, uh, Jersey Devil tour?

How much for the six of us?

Uh... $7.50 apiece.

Screw that-- we want a discount.

Uh, $50 for the six of us.


All right, soon as all your group is here, we'll have Junior take you on your tour.

Is it scary?

Scares the tar outta me.

Great, let's fucking go then.

Okay, let's go.


(indistinct chatter)

(night bird calling)

Okay, I hope we're all keeping our eyes open for the Jersey Devil.

What can you tell us about the... creepy people living in the Pine Barrens, like cannibals, called Pineys?

(Junior) Well, there are people that live around here.

Yeah, we heard there are a few dozen Piney families who are all inbred, illiterate, and very hostile towards outsiders, living just about a mile down the road.

Now that's creepy.

Hey, Junior? Mm-hmm?

Where do you live?

'Bout a mile down the road.

Now, believe it or not, the Jersey Devil was the 13th child of a woman named Deborah Leeds who emigrated from London, England here to the New Jersey Pine Barrens in the 1700s.

Moving here from London and all, was she able to learn English?

That's a pretty good question.

I'll have to get back to you on that.

But anyway, during a very difficult and painful labor, Mrs. Leeds invoked the devil.


And when the baby was born, it immediately grew into a full-grown winged devil!

(snarling and growling)

And then escaped from the house out into these Pine Barrens.


Who keeps hitting my ass?

No touching.

Ugh... that's disgusting.

There are have been hundreds of Devil sightings throughout the years.

I think these girls like us.

(all chuckling excitedly)

There are six of them and three of us, so you know what that means?

Oh, my God.

This could be the greatest night of our lives!

Shh-- let's try to keep them scared, so that they cling on to us for safety, and then...

Back to the RV!


(all giggling)

This is gonna be so amazing!

(Junior) ... one in 1909 by Councilman Wheaton, who heard flapping wings outside his bedroom window one night, and then the next morning, found large, cloven footprints in the snow.


Uh, m-my name is Henry.

Uh, what's yours?


Oh, nice to meet you.

Um, are you girls headed to the Sci-Fi Expo in DC?

Uh, if so, we could all go together.

Are you serious?

Sure, uh...

We even have a DVD player, a microwave, and a queen-sized bed.

(Joanne) Val, wait until you hear this.


I think she's going to get all her friends to come along also.


Try to keep them scared.

Okay, okay.

Hundreds of people have heard the Jersey Devil rampaging through the woods while shrieking.

(shrieks and growls)

(roaring and growling)

Or making blood-curdling cries.

(howls and blabbers)

Some call it the Leeds Devil.

Some call it the Wozzle Bug.

And others call it the Hoodle-Doodle Bird.

Either way, no one comes out here alone at night.

Oh, God, I'm really feeling scared.

I want to get out of here.

What are you worried about?

I feel like we're being watched, and I'm starting to freak out a little.

Yeah, you guys, I wanna go back.

Why don't you girls give us your-- your email addresses so we can put it on our phones now?


Uh, it's getalife...

Getalife... at...

What's with the mixed messages?

I don't know.

But it seems like every girl we meet has the same problem.

(man) Help!

(women screaming)

Oh, damn!

Oh, my God, somebody give me their belt!

I gotta make a tourniquet!

Oh, my God! Oh!

(growling and blabbering)

(women shrieking)


(all laughing)

Welcome to the country, girls.

(gasps) You kidding me?

We're getting the fuck outta here!

That was so uncalled for!

Let me go!

Come on, don't be upset.

It was all in fun.

F-U-N, fun.

No, it's stupidity.

S-T-U... pidity!

(Teresa) Are you okay, Val?

I want to get outta here.

I don't like being scared.

Let's go.

(man blabbering)

Hey, later, girls.


Yeah, that's fucking great, man.

(indistinct chatter)


Hey, you ready, Gigi?

No... you guys go ahead.

Mike's gonna come pick me up later.

I really need to see him tonight.

I'm sorry.

Are you sure about this?

Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.


(Dina) She's ditching us for that loser again, isn't she?

She seems to love him, so let her do what she wants.

I don't buy that-- I think Michael just knows how to manipulate Gigi.

He turns her into, like, his little mental prisoner.

Yeah, kind of like Stockholder Syndrome or something. Mm-hmm.

Hey, bitches, you want some pound cake?

Oh, yeah, I'll take some.

I can't even look at that.

(ping, engine starts)

Are you dieting, Val?

I'm going to.

I just took five laxatives last night to help get my stomach down for the weekend.

Oh, my God.

That really isn't good for you, you know.

Ugh, well, I don't wanna look like a stuffed sausage all weekend either.

Sure you don't want some? No.

You're just gonna shit it out anyway.

No... (laughing)

I wanna have a six pack for the yum yums.

Yum yums. Yum yum yums!

It's hot as fuck in here.


Wow, a jellyfish!

Don't touch that.

You could get stung very badly by it.


Yeah, ouchie.

Yo, yo, yo, yo!


Oh, my God!

That took me all morning to build!

Well, build it somewhere else.

The thing just made me drop the ball.

Are you kidding me?

You have the entire beach to play on!

Because the people is over there, and if we play over there, no one's gonna be able to see us right there.

So why don't you pick up all your sand and move it?

Over there!

You feeling me?

And take your faggot-ass pail and shovel with you.


(high-pitched laugh)



(overlapping chatter)

What you looking at? (laughter)

There's no fucking parking.

Well, if you didn't make us late, we would have been here two hours ago.

Fuck you, Joanne.

Can you both please stop it now?

Stay the fuck outta this, Valerie.

Yeah, shut the fuck up, Valerie.

Don't tell her to shut the fuck up.

Who the fuck are you?

Bunch of pains in the asses.

All right, guys, calm down.

We're already here.

Ah, there's a space.

Give me the handicapped pass in the glove compartment, just in case.

We're not disabled.

Just limp a little when you walk out.

Ready? Whoo!

Here we are.

(crunch) Whoo!

(laughter and chatter)

I was dying for one of these corndogs.

Me too.

Me three.

Hey, what about your diet?

I don't wanna starve to death.

Why don't we set up over here?


I see where we should go.

Yo, throw the ball!

Hyuh! Freddy, you asshole!

Ooh la la! Let's go, girls!

Come on! (laughing)

(Gigi) Let me out!


Gigi, get over here!

I'm not done with you yet!

Well, I'm done with you, Michael, and if you know what's good for you, get your ass off Teresa's uncle's property.

Gigi-- you little bitch, get over here!

You know what, I'm done with you!

Stop following me, Michael!


I have to tell you, Tre...

Despite the mix-up with the house, I think this is gonna be a really good weekend.


No, please, please!

Help me!

No, stop, please!

Stop, let me go! Please!

And if not for you, we would have had to have turned back yesterday and miss all of this.

No, no, no!

(gasping and grunting)

Thank you.

You don't have to thank me.

We're all in the same boat.


That didn't take long. No, it didn't.

Impressive, I have to say.

We gotta step up our game.

(indistinct chatter)

(laughing) Ah, ow!


Teresa and Dina...

This is... Tony, Joey, Gino, Vinnie, and Freddy.

(Teresa) Hi.


Oh, wow.

What is that? It's a mime.

A what?

(woman) What is he doing?

Why is he wearing that?

Dude, there's no window there.

He's just pretendin', Tony!

Ohh... (woman) He is cute.

I don't get it, either.

Oh! Aww...

(woman) Now he's hitting on her.

Now get the fuck outta here, Bozo.


He's doing you, Gino!

Gino, that's you.

You gonna take that, Gino?

(laughing) Yo...

Yeah, keep going.



(all groan)

One punch! Good night, motherfucker!

Now get the fuck outta here... Asshole!

... before I throws you a real beatin'!


Who's going in the water with me?

I am, let's go!

Yo, Gino, go out for a pass.

Hey, wanna catch some crabs?


Hey, we're going to the Barnacle Club later if you guys wanna come.

There's something so relaxing, you know, and elegant about the beach.

You know what I mean?

I just love the fresh air.


Those guys were kinda hot, don't you think?

They were definitely hot for you.

Ooh, yum yum yum.

(farts) Oh, my God! What?

Oh, I have to go! Go where?

Uh, the laxatives are kicking in.

I have to go to the bathroom right now!

Oh, my God, oh, quick, run up to the boardwalk and find a restroom!

Aah! Aah!

(Val) Get out of the way!


(Val) I gotta go!

Oh, my God! Oh... my...



(water bubbling)


Eww... Ohh.

Look, Daddy, sea shells.

(Teresa) Come on, Valerie.

We've gotta get ready for tonight!

Hey, you got any more corndogs? (squish)


All right, we got dollar Jersey Devil shots for the next two minutes, so go to the bar and get you some!

Here's to the king.

What king?

Fuc-king! Fuc-king!

Oh. (high-pitched laugh)

So, fellas, who's gonna pay for all these drinks?

He is. He is.

You are. You are.

I'm paying for the cab.

I always pay for the cab!

No, you pay for the drinks.

Hey, you watch yourself there.

You gotta be faster than that to stay in the ring with the Staten Island Stallion, puh-puh-puh!

Man, you got it all wrong.

If you weren't my boy, you wouldn't even make it to the ring.


End of story, motherfucker.

Who's next?


You never popped nothing.

How the fuck do you know?

'Cause I've known you since we were 12, and you have such a big fucking mouth that half of Staten Island would have known about it.

There would have been billboards along the highway saying, "Gino Digideo whacked some dude.

Paid for by Gino Digideo."

(laughter) I like it.

I like it.

Yeah, let's do some more shots, buddy.

Let's get some more-- which ones?

(all) Ohh!

What the fuck?

I'll tell you what the fuck.

That's for drugging and raping my friend Tammy last week, you fucking dirty scumbag.

Yo, I don't even know what you're talking about.

Yes, you do, and two other people saw you drop a fucking pill in her drink.

Yo, that bitch was DTF, so get the fuck outta my face before I smack your mouth.

I bet you would, you fucking dirty scumbag.

Get the fuck out of here, you slut.

You can't do that in here, come on.

You're out. Get off of me!

Bye-bye, you little twat.


Works every time.

Yo, bro, we gotta get another bottle of that shit.

All right, my guy's coming in next week.

I'll get a shitload.


How you doing?

If I was you, I'd be stalking me too.

Oh... well, let's have a couple more drinks and see who's stalking who.

After you.

Thank you.

Right now, I'm just working on my demo, trying to get signed to a label, you know what I'm saying?

(laughing) Get a label.

What the fuck are you laughing at, Dominic?

(chuckles) Look at you, kid.

Who we kidding?

You can't sing, you can't rap.

You can't even play a God damn instrument.

How the hell is a record company gonna sign you?

'Cause I'm that fucking down!

Besides, what the fuck do you know about records?

You're just a part-time manager at a nightclub.

If I need the urinals or some shit cleaned, I'll give you a call. (laughing)

(all laughing)

You don't know who the hell I am.

That's the point.

We don't know who the fuck you are, and nobody else does either.


(all laughing)

I'll be back.

So, I was just down in the ladies' room, and it's, like, totally empty down there.

Like, two people could totally have sex and no one would know, but... that-- that would be wrong, right?


Oh, no.

Yo, yo, yo, for the first time in over two decades, give it up for the one, the only, Jersey's own Italian Ice!

Hey yo!

New Jersey, make some motherfucking noise!

Come on!

Kick it, DJ!


Let's roll We're about to get nice With the one, the only No phony, Italian Ice What the fuck is Italian Ice?

I got more fans than the Mona Lisa When the ladies see me, they all scream nice Everybody wants some Italian Ice

"Italian Ice.

"Born Dominic DiLallo in 1966.

Had a minor regional hit in 1991 called 'Melt.'"

I'll make you melt Melt, ooh, ooh Melt all over my face, yeah

"But he's best known for his unsuccessful lawsuit against Vanilla Ice for stealing his career."

Melt all over my face, yeah Hey, Freddy, that's you in 20 years.


"Ha ha ha ha"-- screw you!

I'm Italian Ice Yo, DJ, get nice

I've got such bad butt cringe, I think my ass is gonna crack in half.


New Jersey, Italian Ice is back!


Suck my balls, Vanilla Ice.

Stupid douche.

(siren blaring)

What the fuck are you looking at, bitch?

(all shriek)

(man) Oh, yeah!

(overlapping shouting)

(men) Ohh!

(men cheering)

Security to the dance floor, please.

(all cheering)


(glass shatters)

No, no, no. No!

No, no, no, no, no!

(overlapping shouts)


Get the fuck off of me!

Hey, all right! Fuck the police!

Fuck the police!

(overlapping arguing) Hey, come on, come on.

Hey, youse is all suspended from the club for the rest of the summer.

But they started it!

Yeah, but you threw your drink at her.

It spilled!

Ah, get the fuck outta here.


We can't go out like this, so let's just go back to the house.

Hey. Fuck it.

Hey, where youse goin'?

Back to our house-- you coming?

Yeah, we're going.

Yeah, we're going. Just follow us.

Come on.

(indistinct chatter)

Let's have some fun now!

How many times have you been banned from this club before?

Ah, I've been banned, like, three times.

Three times-- no way!


Shh! Shh...


(whispering) What the hell was that?

(whispering) Someone's in the house.


(all screaming)


Who the hell are you?

I'm Rosemarie!

Val's cousin.


Valerie, there you are!

Everyone, this is Rosemarie, my cousin.

I texted her the address this morning.

I forgot to tell you. Thanks.

Uh, how did you get in here?

The sliding glass door was unlocked, so I just came in and made me some dinner.

Oh, God, was I starving.

By the way, you're gonna need some more Super Fudge ice cream and beef jerky.


Yo, this place is fuckin' hooked!

A little out of the way, but hooked.

What happened to Gigi?

She should have been back here by now.

Maybe Rosemarie ate her.


Watch it, that's my cousin.

Where do you keep the liquor?

Screw that, where's the food?

I'll nuke some fried chicken.

(Dina) He's hungry. Yes!

"Fat Camp Massacre!"

This is supposed to be the best movie ever!

(Joey) Oh, yeah, yeah, put it on.

Hey, I want a leg!

I want breast!

I just want a piece of ass!

Aah! (laughing)

(machine clicking)


Oh, yeah...


(bed springs squeaking)


(whispering) Roger.





I smell pizza.

(sighs) I told you already.

Stop thinking about food, and go back to sleep, Keith.

If they catch you eating at night one more time, they're gonna kick you out.

I don't care about that.

I smell pizza, I'm starving--

I'm gonna find it.

(door creaks)

(munching loudly)



Ohh, I finally found you, cupcake.

(munching) Mmm...

Now where's that fucking pizza?

I'm starving!



Oh, my leg!

I wouldn't mind being stuck in a bear trap alone in the woods if it was with you.

Ooh, who needs a bear trap when I have handcuffs in my bedroom, you sexy little ape, you?

You little freak!

Uh-huh. Uhh!

(growls) (shrieks)

(squealing and laughing)

Oh, my God!




Later, boys.

(boy screaming)

Who are you?

I'm Cupcake the Clown.

And you just ate my cupcake.

So now it's time to cut a few calories the old-fashioned way!

(chainsaw buzzing)

Get me outta here, Mister.

Come on, get me outta here!



(chainsaw buzzing)

I'd smack that clown so fucking hard, he'd be begging me to stop.

Where are you taking me, you big ape?

To the bedroom. We just passed it.

Put me down!


So... do you have a girlfriend?

No, sweet tits.

I don't get burned like that.

So why don't you do me a favor-- go into that bedroom.

I'm going to the shower and rinse off, okay?



The Electro Beam 300?





Ba ba!

(grunting rhythmically)



(water running)


(giggling) You little freak.


Oh, no.

I'm a prisoner.

Please, don't hurt me.

(muffled protests)

(muffled) What?

(electronic tone rising)

(labored breathing)




(knife slicing)


(chainsaw buzzing, boy screaming)

I just wanted a slice!

Yo, get that fat piece of shit!

Yeah, cry like a little bitch, fat boy.





(water trickling)

(boy screaming on TV) I can't take this shit.

Who wants to take a swim?

Me. (giggles)

Let's go.



(bear trap snaps)


Ha ha ha!

Prepare to die!


(chainsaw buzzing)

(all) Ohh!


(boy screaming on TV)

(door slides open)

Wait for me!

I could totally see you as becoming a lawyer.

You know why?

You got eyes just like the guy from "Law and Order."

Yeah, so maybe that's what I should do-- becoming a backstabbing lawyer and make a lot of money.

(giggles) What about you?

I could be your secretary.

I got lots of really sexy dresses and nice boobs, and I'm really good at answering the phone.

Val, Dina.

Come over here so I can show you the new pictures of Mr. Wiggles.

Mr. Wiggles! Ohh...

You sit tight there.

Who the fuck is Mr. Wiggles?

Rosemarie's pet ferret!

Wanna see it?

Aww! Isn't he sweet?

This is me and Mr. Wiggles in the shower.


Dude, what the fuck is wrong with these fucking girls?

I love that one!

I'm not fucking putting up with this shit no more.

See, he's got a personality like a person.

(both giggling)

Where do you two think you're going?

I'm taking my secretary... to the boardroom.

He wants me to take dick-tation.

(both laugh)

Oh, shut up.

(breathing heavily)

Get lost.

We're trying to have a conversation.

Freddy, come here.


I don't know, I got a math question I'm trying to figure out.

Just get over here.

What do you want?

Look, Tony wants to get with Dina.

I wanna get with Teresa, and you wanna get with Valerie, right?


Well, there's four of them, and there's three of us.

So you know what that means?

No one is gonna get with anyone until we figure out a way to extract the grenade.

Make it three on three.

Hey, girls, girls, you guys-- you guys want a doughnut?

No, the doughnuts are for you, honey.

We get it-- you like to eat fuckin' doughnuts all the time.

No fucking way.

I'm not taking one for the team for the fifth fucking time in a row.

Oh, come on, Freddy.

We got a better idea.

Just start talking to her as if you like her, and pretend you're interested in what she says, right?

Ask her to take you to the store, like you gotta go get something.

Yeah, use my car.

Now, when you get a few miles down the road, just open the door, let her out, and drive away.

Yeah, but then when she finds her way back, they're all gonna hate us.


We'll be done.

Yeah-- Tony will be smashing Dina, I'll be hooking up with Teresa, and Valerie, she'll be all yours.

(high-pitched laugh)

Youse are good.

Go get 'em. Watch this.

(Rosemarie) What are you guys talking about over there?

Tony just wanted to find out the square route of 37, so I figured I'd help him out, you know?

(Rosemarie) Oh, okay.

You must be good with numbers.


I know a perfect 10 when I see one.


You're so sweet.

I never got to tell you about my ferret, Mr. Wiggles.

Oh, yeah, I'm so interested.

Please, tell me.

Well, every Christmas, I dress him up in a ballerina costume.




Oh, nothing, I just wish I had a cigarette when we talked about Mr. Wiggles.

We could drive into town to get a pack, if you want.

Yeah, that's a great idea!

Then we could smoke cigarettes and talk about Mr. Wiggles all night!

Let's go!

Oh, you nasty little bitch.

Oh... oh.

Oh, fuck yeah.








I have a hamster named Buzzy that--

Oh, wow, that's fucking amazing.

He knows how to swim.

Hey, what's up?

Nothing, just, uh, catching up on some emails.

That's cool.

So, uh, you get good reception out here?

Yeah, it's not too bad.

Oh, really?


So, um...

What's wrong?


Nothing, I'm just hanging out, you know?

It's all good, sweetheart. It's, uh...

You're gonna have fun, come on.

Yeah, I'm having a good time.

Just relax.

I'm pretty relaxed. Just relax.

What the fuck?! What the hell was that?

What the fuck?!

What, you don't wanna be with me?

No, why would you think I'd wanna be with you?

'Cause every other bitch in New Jersey would kill to wife me up!

Wife-- really?

'Cause if I was married to you, I'd put poison in your orange juice every morning!

Yeah, well, if I was married to you, I'd drink it, you fuckin' bitch!

(door slams)


So, uh, is Buzzy a boy or a girl hamster?

(cows mooing)

(Rosemarie) So how much longer to the store?

Couldn't be much further.

Oh, my God, you see that?

See what?

Looked like a little puppy dog-- it crossed the road.

A puppy dog?

Yeah, it looked like it was lost!

Stop the car!

I think it ran into the cow pasture!

Oh, God, I hope the cows don't eat him!

Oh, my God!

(cow mooing)

(high-pitched laugh)


Freddy, you asshole!

(Freddy laughing)


(cow mooing)

(woman on TV) There's so many hot gorilla

juiceheads in here, I don't wanna leave yet.

Hey, where's Rosemarie?

(Freddy) Uh, she saw an all-night buffet and decided to go back for a midnight snack.




Where's my shot?

Hey, wingman! Oh, yeah!





(all groan)

Vinnie, you fucking asshole!


Fuck all of youse.

I need a smoke.


Yo, hey, come back here, you pussy!

What'd you have, two bowls of stupid this morning?

(buzzing, zap)

Oh, that was a good one.

(buzzing, zap)

Yo, that was dope. Eww.

Why do they keep flying into it when they see their friends exploding all over the place?

Just mindless life forms following the light aimlessly into the darkness.

(Freddy humming)


(footsteps crunching)

(door creaks faintly)

Hey, anybody home in here?

(high-pitched laugh)

Hey, where'd Freddy go?

He had a hissy fit and took off.

Oh, he's got my fucking keys!

You just gonna leave me here?

Screw him.

(Vinnie) Ah, quiet, bitch.

(scoffs) Screw you.

Hey, Freddy!

What's he doing?

Dropping dead, I hope.

Hey, I'm starving.

What do we got to eat?

I got some hot dogs in the fridge.

Hot dogs?

I'm all over that shit.

(crickets chirping)

Hey, Freddy, you fucking dickhead!

Where are you?

(man screaming)


Where the fuck are you?

(Freddy) Vinnie!

If he's fucking with me, I'm gonna throw him a beatin'.



(bottles clinking)

So, yeah, I do, like, about 1,000 push-ups every day.


I need to eat now.

Good... get the barbecue going while I get the other stuff ready.

All right.

(chain clinking)

(muffled grunting)


(frantic grunting)


(muffled screaming)

(muffled screaming continues)


(sander grinding)


(whimpering) No...



(labored breathing)







Kill me.

Please kill me.




(thwack) (screaming and moaning)

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

I thought I heard something outside.

It's probably just the guys horsing around.

(screams and moans)

There it is again.

Why don't you see if they want anything to eat?

(Dina) Yeah, Val, I'm starving.

All right.

I'll be right back.



Told you I was hungry.


(chopping and squishing)

(Val) Freddy?



Stop horsing around.





Hey, how many dogs am I supposed to be making out there?

(Dina) We don't know yet.

Where the hell is Valerie?

So, Dina, whose house is this anyway?

It's Teresa's Uncle Vito's house.

And who's Uncle Vito?

Vito Rubino.

Teresa's uncle is Big "V" Rubino?

Isn't he in jail?

He's under house arrest, but I wouldn't bet on too many witnesses testifying against him.

That's it.

I gotta go find where these meatballs are.

I'll be right back.

Hurry up.


Yo, Freddy, Vinnie!

Teresa's uncle is Big "V" Rubino.

We gotta get the fuck outta here!

Hey, you dickheads in there?

What the fuck?



(labored breathing)


I'm gonna go and straighten things up around the pool.

You want a hand?

No, I got it, um... could you clean things up around here and see when everyone would like to eat?

I bet they'll be dying to eat by now.

(muffled cries from Val)


(Val moaning)




(Tony grunting)

Yah! Ohh!



(labored breathing)

(groaning, rope squeaking)


Bunch of pigs.



(knocking on door)

You guys want something to eat?



Dina! Dina!

(both shrieking)

(sobbing) Dina!

Joey and Joanne!

They're dead.

So is Gigi!

What about Candi and Gino?

I don't know... I don't know.

They have to still be in their room.

Oh, my God. (sobbing)

(both whimpering)

What's going on?

(whispers) I don't know.


Oh, my God.


(both whimpering)



Dina, open the door!

Dina, help me!



(labored breathing)

(both screaming)

Help me.

(both grunting)

Oh, my God, what's going on?

I don't know-- call 9-1-1.

(phone speed-dialing)

(both whimpering)

Uncle Vito?

Uncle Vito, pick up!

Yeah, somebody's trying to kill us!

(both screaming)

Quick, open the door!



Dina, it's stuck!

Oh, my God.

Run! Oh, my God.

(both screaming)

Come on-- come on, get up!

Get up... run!

Let's get out of here!

(both screaming)

Oh, my God!

(vibrator buzzing)


Oh, God.

Oh, holy shit.

Oh, God.

Where are the fucking keys?

Come on!

(both shrieking)

(footsteps crunching)

Come on!

(pounding on door) Let us in!

(crying) It's locked!

Come on!

Come on.



(crickets chirping)

(both panting)


Where's the fucking light switch?

I don't know.

I got it!


(both screaming)

Go, go, go!



Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

(both shrieking)

Come on, come on!

(Dina) Valerie!

(screaming) Valerie!

My God!



Where the fuck can we go?

We can't use the cars, and he'll catch us in the woods.

If we can get to the rowboat, we can take it to the middle of the lake, where he can't reach us.

You know I can't swim!

If I fall in, I'll drown!

Jesus Christ, Teresa, he's gonna kill us!


Who are you?


Troy, my name is.


It's a Jersey thing.

(knife slices)

Dina, look out!


(sobbing) Dina!







(siren wailing)



What's wrong?

Tell me what's wrong!

Everybody's dead!


Is there anybody else?

In the house.

All right, stay here.

Backup and the ambulance are on the way.

Stay right here.

Dennis, come on.



(police radio chatter)

I'm Officer Davis.

Do you need any kind of medical assistance?


Go check inside!

Okay, I need you to tell me everything that happened.

I need to see Dina!

No, no, no.

You can't go in there.

You need to stay out here with me.

I'll take care of this one.

Check the rest of the barn for me.


(police radio chatter outside)

He's got a pulse!

Help me get the gurney.

(crickets chirping)

Help me!


Fuck! Oh, fuck.

What the fuck happened?

Man, I was nervous.

Gordon to Davis.

Hold on.

(static) Davis, go.

How do I explain this?

I have an 11-71. Shit.

I think you should get over here right now.

I'm on my way.


I need you to stay in this spot, okay?

I'll be right back.

Plant this in his hands.

We'll just say it was self-defense, all right?

All right, cool.

Good looking out, man.

Dex, look at this.

How am I supposed to say that?

Some weird shit going on here, man.



(siren, indistinct radio chatter)

This can't be the guy.

Wasn't this guy missing an eye?

(chain clinking)

(screaming) Get over here right now.

Take that, motherfucker!




(knife clinks)

Come back here, you bitch!

I'll gut ya like a pig!

(branch snaps)


I'll turn your insides into sausage!


¶ Row, row, row your boat ¶




No! (whimpering)






Get over here right now.



Get over here right now.


Uncle Vito!


Uncle Vito!


He was gonna kill me, just like he killed Dina and everyone else.

Everything's gonna be all right.

How did you get here so fast?

When Edgar called, we knew something was wrong.


Last week, two of my guys went missing down here, and when you called, said you were coming down for the weekend, I asked Edgar to keep an eye on you.

He left me this message an hour before you called.

(beep) Mr. V., my brother's

lost his fuckin' mind today.

Turned our barn into a fuckin' slaughterhouse.

(Troy) Give me the phone, you big idiot.

(Edgar) Troy, no!

(clatter on message)


Oh, my God.

Promise me I'll never have to see this place again.

(sobbing) Please.

I promise, Princess.

Never again.

Never again!

(birds chirping)

(reel cranking)

It's so beautiful out here, and I love all this nature, but don't you miss your beach house down by the shore?

What beach house?

After the storm, there was nothing left.

So I took the insurance money, and I bought all of this.

No way.

You own all of this?

This must have cost you a fortune.

A fortune?

The little mobster who used to own it was so anxious to sell it, he practically gave it away.

So I wound up spending pennies to buy a fully renovated, cool-as-balls home with a lake!

Tell me I'm not the luckiest guy in the world.

That's why I like you, Ronnie.

'Cause you're smart and you're classy.


Ohh... life is good.




Oh, my God!

That's a huge gun!

And it's always fully loaded.

Here, little puppy.

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Come here, little puppy.

Don't let the cows eat you.

(cow mooing)