Diner (1982) Script

A little bit softer now Shout A little bit softer now Shout Hi. Hi, girls.

How are you?

A little bit softer now Shout A little bit softer now Shout A little bit softer now Shout A little bit softer now Shout A little bit louder now Shout

A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout A little bit louder now Shout Hey-eh-eh-eh What? Eddie.

Eddie, have you seen Boogie? He's over there.


Hey Boogs.

Boogie. Come here.

Jump up and shout now Everybody shout now I was just downstairs in the basement.

Fenwick is breaking windows with his bare hands.

He's punching out the windows with his bare hands.

And he'll break every one in the place.

I'll go talk to him.

Oh, shout now Hey, shout now Everybody shout now Jump up and shout now Get down and shout

What's up, Fen?

Just breaking windows, Boog.

We're gonna take a short break and then we'll be right back.

What for?

It's a smile.

Come on, don't be a schmuck.

I know glass is made from sand.

How come you can see through it?

Leave the windows alone. What's the matter with you?

It's a smile, that's all. Yeah, I'm cracking up.

Fenwick, you break another window, and I'm gonna give you a fat lip.

Now, where's your date?

Gave her away.

What? I gave her away.

David Frazer said she was death.

So I said, "If you like the way she looks, take her."

What are you, the Salvation Army?

I charged him 5 bucks.

Come on upstairs.

Come on.

You really are nuts.

What about her? She didn't have to go. I'm nuts. Get that.

That's what you get for going out with 11th-graders.

Her brains aren't developed yet. Yeah, but her tits were.

Falsies. Were they?

Firsthand info.

Shit. Then what am I pissed about?

Hey, Eddie. It looks like you're having a lot of fun.

Perk up.

How could you take Frazer over the Fen? Because.

Diane, did you know that Frazer paid 5 bucks for you?

That's the kind of guy he is.

He did?

Do you want to leave with...? You wanna leave with Frazer?

Not really. Fenwick scares me.

He's all right.

Why don't you take me home?

I go to law school now. I have to go home and study.

The only reason I came by here is because I appreciate the fine music.

I thought you worked in a beauty parlor. Yeah, I do, during the day.

Would you do me a favor? Would you go home with the Fen?



Are you cold? No.

I could turn the heat on.

Elyse feels that Eddie is getting very sensitive about the wedding.

Yeah, I know. We were talking about it.

You know what word I'm not comfortable with?

"Nuance." It's not a real word. Like "gesture." "Gesture" is a good word.

At least you know where you stand with "gesture."

But, "nuance," I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong.

Aren't you chilly? No, no, I feel good. I feel good.

Am I going too fast for you? No. No.

Look at that Fenwick go.

You know, Elyse's mother is very upset with Eddie.

They picked out this yellow and white motif for the wedding.

You know, like we did. Napkins, tablecloths, bridesmaids... maid of honor, the whole bit. Anyway, Eddie objected.

He wanted blue and white, the Colts' colors.

He refused to give in.


Well, you know how stubborn Eddie is.

Could have been worse.

Could have been black and gold, Steelers' colors.

Billy's coming in on a train this morning.

I thought he was just coming in for the wedding.

We didn't want to mention it. It's a surprise for Eddie.

What the hell's going on? I don't know.

Stay here.

Oh, Jesus.

You son of a bitch.

I really got you guys, didn't I?

I've been carrying this ketchup bottle around for weeks.

You asshole. Weeks.

I hid behind the car. I didn't want to get any ketchup on my dress.

Weeks. Just waiting for the right time.

Well, you got me. Christ, I really thought you'd bought it.

Real hard, holding back the laughs. Real hard.

You really outdid yourself, Fenwick. That's very mature, Fenwick.

Fuck mature.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry, Beth.

Did you overturn this yourself?

Yeah, yeah. Give me a hand.

No way.

Hey, come on, guys.

Yo, Boog? Modell, come on.

Hey, guys, come on.


Fenwick, you turned this over by yourself. You've got to turn it back.

But it was easy getting it over, because of the angle.

It's gonna be a bitch getting... Come on. Did you try it?

I'll bet you didn't even try.

I'm buying at the diner.

You know, Fenwick, you're a schmuck.

Another five seconds, you would've had it for free.

Hey, I'll see you guys later at the diner, okay?

You're a sick person, you know that?

You're not a normal person.

You guys really are sick, you know that?

That's because you got no sense of humor.

Yeah, right.

You can't compare Mathis to Sinatra. There's no way, no way.

They're in totally different leagues.

Eddie, they're both great singers.

You know the thing about Sinatra? He's good, but he's too thin.

I don't like that.

Yeah, but you can't compare them. Sinatra is the Lord. All right?

He's big in movies. He's big in nightclubs.

Let me ask you another question:

When you wanna make out, who do you make out to? Sinatra or Mathis?

That's a stupid question. One question, answer that.

It's irrelevant. I won't answer it. Mathis.

There you go. How about you, Shrevie?

I'm married. We don't make out. That's funny.

Hey, George, do you got a Band-Aid? No.

Come on, you have a Band-Aid. I don't.

What's the matter? I don't know.

You don't know? I cut myself shaving.

Sorry about that Diane thing. I didn't know you had a thing for her.

Yeah, yeah, it's okay.

Well, what about my 5 bucks?

Give me a couple of days. A couple days?

Can I have French fries and gravy, with a cherry Coke?

Sinatra doesn't like fatty foods, I think.

Look who's here.

Hey, how'd it go?

Pretty good. Said she never wanted to see me again.

You're a charming person, you know that?

What happened? I parked the car on a nice, lonely road.

I looked at her, I said, "Fuck or fight?"

Hey, that's a good line. I'll use that myself sometime.

You're a maniac. You always know exactly what to say.

I love this. Well, how old is she?

She's jailbait. What is she, 12?

She'll be 12. Jailbait.

"She'll be 12." She's old enough to know better.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. She said she wanted to see me again.

She liked me, sort of.

Get out of here. Come on.

George, will you come here and talk to him? He's driving me wild.

What is that? Roast beef?

Don't ask me this anymore, Modell. Yes.

You gonna finish that?

Yeah, I'm gonna finish it. I paid for it. I'm not gonna give it to you.

If you're not gonna finish it, I'd eat it.

What do you want? Say the words. Go ahead. You eat it. That's all right.

Say, "I want the roast beef sandwich." I'll give you a piece.

Would you guys cut this out? Every time... He doesn't talk. He just...

You know what he means, right? I know what he means.

If he'd say the words, I'd give him a piece.

If I wanted it, wouldn't I ask you?

Then ask. You know he wants it. Just let it go.

He wants it. You're annoying as hell.

I'm annoying? I'm trying to eat a meal by myself.

If you want to give him the sandwich, give him the sandwich. If...

I don't want to... Then eat the sandwich, and shut up.

Look at his eyes. I asked one question.

Know what your problem is? You don't chew your food.

That's why you get so irritable. You get lumps.

You have roast beef in your heart that just stays there.

Oh, Modell, you're really, really getting me mad. My blood is boiling.

I'll take the sandwich. Don't...

Fine. I'll take the sandwich. See what you do. Every time!

Why are you blaming me? He took your sandwich.

You want this? No.

You want this? I don't want it.

I do. I can't believe you're eating the...

You two play against me. That's what the problem is.

You're both on each other's side.

Come on, George. Lend me another 10.

What do you want from me? You owe me $10 already. Get out of here.

Boog, come here. Don't be like that.

Wait a minute, Bagel. Come here a second, Boog. Come on.

Get out of here. I don't want to talk to you.

What, Bagel? Did you lay down a bet with Barnett?

I don't remember. Yeah, right.

Nobody bets $2000 and forgets, Boogie.

So, what's the point?

Well, the point is, Boog, where are you gonna get the $2000?

You haven't got a pot to piss in.

Look, the game is a lock.

Nothing's a lock, Boog. Nothing's a lock.

Look, you want me to call it off?

Out of respect for your father, may he rest in peace.

Look, leave my father out of it.

Listen, Bagel, just you should get in.

I've gotta go.

See you around.

Kids, man. Very crazy.

Nobody's interested in making an honest buck anymore.

I heard he's going to law school.

Well, that's what I'm talking about. You call that an honest buck?

Bagel heard about my basketball bet.

And I'm already down for 10 bucks.

Big spender. Come on.

Hey, listen, Eddie. If you guys want in on this...

I'm gonna tell you now they're shaving points in this game.

You heard they're shaving points? How do you know?

I know. This is no bullshit tip.

I heard about your tips before. Cost me 50 bucks.

How do you know? No way.

What's your resource? Don't get in.

Will you listen to me? They are shaving points on this game.

You want in or not?

They're definitely shaving points? You feel secure?

Forget it. Who's the guy?

Why do you ask so many questions? Because I don't know who the guy is.

Let me make it 15. Because... Make it $15.

Let me ask you a question.

If you're really sure, make it 20 bucks.

Don't do it, Modell. I'm telling you. I lost 50 bucks last game.

All right. Will you guys hop off of the subject?

Can you quiet? Fifteen bucks would be good.

Modell. Who do you pick, Sinatra or Mathis?

Would you just let that die? Please. It's important to me.

It's annoying me. It's important in my life.

You've been asking that question to every man that walks in here.

Would you just forget it?

Maybe I have something to gain from the answer.

Did you ever think of that? What does it matter?

Let the man speak. Let the man speak. Speak.


Elvis Presley?

There you go. There's the definitive answer.

Sinatra or Mathis? It's Presley. Fine. You're sick. You're sick.

You feel better? Did you learn something?

You've gone like two steps below in my book.

Once again...

I guess you're full?

I'd sacrifice anything Come what might For the sake of havin' you near In spite of a warnin' voice That comes in the night And repeats Did I tell you guys that I've got a date with Carol Heathrow tomorrow night?

You're taking out Carol Heathrow?

No, you're taking her out.

She is death.

I only go for the best.

Heathrow is cold.

She's not a smart girl. You ever talk to her?

You wanna bet that she goes for my pecker on our first date?

The only hand on your pecker is gonna be your own.

Do you want to bet me? Do you want to bet me 20?

You got it.

I'm in. Me too.

Yeah, I'm in too, but we need validation for this.

All right. I'll arrange it.

How? What, are you gonna get fingerprints?

I'm telling you, I'm not gonna do the dusting.

You bring your car? No, I walked. Yeah, I brought my car.

You're going straight home?

No, I'm going by way of Atlantic City. What kind of question is that?

Because if... I'll wait for the other guys.

You constantly do this. You walk out behind me. You stand there...

Maybe you got plans. I have no plans. It's 4 in the morning.

You want a ride? I'll go with you if you want.

You want me to go with you? Say the words, "I want a ride."

I don't have to go.

I enjoy your company. Do you want a ride?

I'll go with you. Okay.

You got gas money? Just kidding.

You're so serious lately, Modell.

Hey. Hey.

You're too much. How'd you know I was coming in this morning?

We know, man. We know everything.

You up for some diner?

Hold on a sec. I'm getting some coffee here.

You're gonna get coffee before we go to the diner to have coffee?

I want coffee. Coffee.

I can't believe that Eddie is getting married.

It's crazy. I mean, with Shrevie here, it was nuts. But with Eddie, it's lunacy.

Hey, marriage is all right. I'm not complaining.

Not complaining, huh? That sounds wonderful.

Of course it's not a hundred-percent sure thing yet. Right?

He's getting married New Year's Eve. No, no.

Not until she takes the test.

What are you talking about? Tell him.

Eddie's giving Elyse a football quiz. If she fails, the marriage is off.

Football quiz? Come on, you guys. Are you putting me on?

Is this a joke or what?

No. You know Eddie and the Colts. It's very serious stuff.

The test has got something like, what, 140, questions.

True and false, multiple choice, short answer.

It's an oral test. He doesn't want any cheating.

So wait a second. What happens if she fails?

He's gonna call it off? Yeah.

He swears to it. The test was supposed to be two months ago.

But Elyse keeps putting it off. She's got a lot of pressure on her.

I guess. Yeah.

It's not the best way to start off a marriage.

Eddie's crazy.

Billy, you're missing all the action now.


Yeah. Half the guys are going to U of B night school.

I mean, it's a lot of fucking laughs now.

A master's in business. That's the lowest. Yeah.

What are you majoring in now, Fenwick? Still?

So who's at U of B? Well, Eddie's going, of course, and...

And then there's me. Yeah?

You going to law school? Yeah.

Yeah, I thought I would give it a pop.

I'm still working at the beauty salon in the daytime.

But you were so good at the beauty salon. Cut and fuck, 2.50.

All right, you guys laugh.

You ever think of doing your own hair? You guys laugh.

It looks good. Let me tell you something.

I get more action in a week than you've had in your whole life.

No, I get it every night.

Billy. You're in town already. Hi.

Yeah, I thought I'd come and spend the holiday here.

I heard there are a lot of good parties and stuff.

You know your parents are out of town? No.

They're in Florida. They'll be back for Eddie's wedding.

Is he still sleeping?

What else? It's only 2:30. Wake him. I can't wait till he's out of the house.


Hey. How you doing, Bill?

What are you doing? Don't fuck with me.

Still the early riser, huh?

Yeah. Nothing changes.

Yeah, except you're getting married. Yeah. Ain't that a kick?

Thought you weren't coming until New Year's Eve?

Well, nothing happening around campus, so...

Hey, did you bring that girl with you?

No. We broke up.

That's a shame. You know... that picture you sent me?

It looked like she had a great set of knockers.


Didn't figure on you and Elyse so soon. Yeah, well...


Figured New Year's Eve would be good.

Get married. Party through the night, you know?

I was pissed off. I figured you'd at least call me... and let me know you were planning it.

Yeah, well, you know.

But you're my best man, right?


What do you think? Of course I'm your best man.

So Boogie and the guys picked me up at the train station.


They didn't say anything to me.

Surprise, I guess.

I guess.

How'd they know? Barbara Kohler told Fenwick.

Oh, yeah? You keep in touch, huh?

Oh, yeah.

Still nailing her, aren't you, son of a bitch?

Never did.

You're kidding? What else would you be doing with her all these years?


Talking? Am I losing my hair? You've still got a little up there.

If you want to talk, you always got the guys at the diner.

You don't need a girl if you want to talk.

Eddie, you'll never change.

Yeah, I saw it. It was in the papers this morning, Marion. Yes, this morning.

Hey, you and I gonna shoot some pool? I haven't shot pool in ages.

It's about time, otherwise you lose your edge.

You still have the morning paper? Mom, what's for breakfast?

The kitchen is closed.

I'm hungry here.

Wait a second. You want something to eat? Make it.

I don't have all day to wait on you.

Come on, Ma. Don't give me that shit. A fried baloney sandwich would be good.

Get out of the house. Billy, take him out of here.

A fried baloney sandwich is not a lot to ask for.

Hold the wire, Marion, will you?

Eddie, you're giving me a headache. Take a walk.

What are you gonna do? You gonna stab me?

Come on. Come on.

Come on. You miserable creature.

How did you get to be such a thing?

Take your best shot. Who do you think you are?

And then I'm gonna punch your lights out.

You don't even look like me.

Where'd you come from? Get married and get out of this house. Quick.

Come on, go for the gut. Then you, you're going down and out.

Come on, I've got fists of granite. Come on.

How did you turn into such a thing? I won't look. Hit me right here.

And ruin my good knife on you? It's not worth it.

Sit down. I'll fix you something to eat, and that's it.

Eat a sandwich, then give me some peace.

Billy, you want something? No, thanks.

You sure? It's no trouble. No, really, I'm fine.

A lot's changed around here.

Oh, I'm never going to get married.

Never, never.

Aren't you, my Jo?

Is this show in color or is something wrong with this set?

No, there's nothing wrong with the set. This is a black-and-white set.

It... I don't think they're showing the movie in color anyway.

I don't like color television.

Don't like color for nothing.

I saw Bonanza over at my in-laws, and it was not for me.

The Ponderosa looked faked.

I hardly recognized Little Joe.

Well, maybe you had to tune it.

Not for me. Have you got an Emerson? I hear they're real good.

Yeah. I've got an Emerson. I've got an Emerson right here. It's a good set.

What's all that stuff? This? You've got a high-fidelity system.

I don't want any high-fidelity system with my television.

All I want is a 21 -inch Emerson, cabinet style.

Hey, Kenny, we got any Emerson, 21 inches, without the record player in it?

I'll check in the warehouse. He's gonna check that in the warehouse.

It'll take a few minutes. Why don't you look around?

I'll look around at some of the television sets.

You do that.

I talked to Boog. He's taking Carol to the Strand tonight.

The Strand?

He's gonna try it in the Strand? Yeah.

So, what do you want to do?

I'll be there. A few seats away.

Yeah, I'll be there too. I got 20 bucks on this thing.

Don't want any judgment calls.

He's got a couple of C's riding on this already.

He's making bets left and right. What?

He's got 200 bucks on this already? Yeah. A lot of people bet for Carol.

What have you been doing? You been drinking already?

Yeah. I guess so.

What for? It's too early.

I don't know. I'm getting antsy or something.

I can't figure out what. I don't know.

I'll see you at the Strand tonight.

Hey, Fen.

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah. Hey.

Hey. What do you say, Knocko?

Hey, Billy.

How are you doing? Eat, sleep, you know.

I never see you and the guys anymore.

You know how it is. Time to move on, I guess.

You got change for a quarter?

Doing okay, Billy? Yeah, I'm going for my master's.

Hey, wonderful.

Take seven. It's got a new felt.

What are you doing it for?

Well, It's not like I'm doing it just to make her happy.

To hell with that.

No, you wouldn't want to make her happy.

Anyway, she's the only one I really care about.

You know, it's not like I go looking for girls to date, or anything like that.

You know, it seems like the right time and all.

At least she's not a ballbreaker.

Christ. If she was a ballbreaker, there'd be no way.


How you doing?

It's one thing to wear your dog collar, but when it turns into a noose...

I'd rather have my freedom. A man in jail is always for freedom.

Except, if you'll excuse me, J.J., I'm not in jail.

You're blind, Mr. McGoo. This is the crossroad for me.

I won't get Kello. Not for a lifetime pass to the polo grounds.

Not if you serve me Cleopatra on a plate.

And that is why you put your hands on my sister.

J.J., please. Susie tried to...

It's Methan's favorite movie, Sweet Smell of Success.

He memorized the whole movie? Yeah.

These younger guys, I tell you, they're crazier than we were.

Eddie, are you taking any of Boogie's action?

Yeah. No way he pulls this off.

There's a boy up there watching me.

There he goes. Funny feeling, being looked at without knowing it.

Remember that family that lived next door to us back home?


Their son used to look at me.

Without you knowing it?

Well, his bedroom was right across from mine.

One night I felt naughty and went right on undressing so he could see.

She says I bounce when I walk. Do I?

Do I? What?

This thing even hurts.

And I couldn't blast my way into this cast-iron girdle with dynamite.

I've had just about enough rebellion for one afternoon.

First you. Pants off.

Why do you try to destroy it? I don't want her stared at.

So you insist on desexing her... as though sex were synonymous with dirt.

This is the old rose garden.

It's sort of gone to seed.

The rose's thorn scratched you.

It's nothing.

Did you ever catch fireflies?

When I was young, I used to put them in a bottle... and see if I could get enough to read by.

There used to be goldfish here.

Did you ever catch any? No. I wasn't supposed to.

Then last winter, we forgot to take them out and they all froze solid.

That poor cupid. He looks lost without them.

He looks like he's waiting to be kissed.

He is.

How can you tell?

Well, I can't really.

I just know how he feels.

Shrevie, what's going on?

I have no idea.

Would you hold on a second? You are disgusting.

Look, I know it was really terrible. It was horrible, but it was an accident.

An accident?

No, Carol, seriously. It was an accident. I swear to God.

An accident. Your thing just got into a box of popcorn.

Well, damn near that.

Listen, can I be straight with you? Boogie.

Wait, look. There's a real good reason.

You know, but it's like... It's a little embarrassing to me.

I mean, so maybe if you don't want to hear it, I'll understand.

Go on. I want to hear this.


I don't know, it's just...

I don't like to tell this to girls, but, you know, you really are a knockout.

No, you really are. And sitting down next to you in there got me crazy.

I got a hard on.

You know, I mean, I don't like to admit it, but I did.

I mean, you don't know me. You know, I try to come off like I'm being cool all the time.

I don't like to look like I'm hustling, and there I was next to you with a boner.

You know, I don't...

Am I embarrassing you?

Go on.

I don't know, it's just that the pain was killing me, you know?

It was to stop the pain. It was digging into the side of my leg.

So what I did was, you know, I opened my fly to loosen everything up.

Just to give it a little air.

And, you know, it worked.

Everything settled down and then I got, you know, caught back up in the picture.

And then, you know, when Sandra got her leg caught on the bush... and she lifted up her dress, you know, it just popped right up.

And it went through the bottom of the popcorn box.

And the force of it just opened up the flap.

It just pushed the flap open?

It's Ripley's. I'm telling you, it just pushed the flap right open.

And I couldn't move the box. You know, you would have seen it.

That's true.

Come on.

Let's go back inside.

Okay? Okay.

Come on.

All right.

We'll just get a seat in the back here.

Do you care if I kiss you right here in front of God and everybody?

I can't wait either.

What's that guy's name? The actor?

Troy Donahue.

Troy. What kind of name is Troy?

He's gorgeous.

You ever hear of a guy with the name of Troy?

Yeah. Troy Swartzman from Towanda.

This movie was written by the author of The Man in the Gray Flannel Suit.

I wonder where that Barbara girl and Billy are.

I'd really like to see this again.

You can take Elyse.


Fellas, don't forget to bring some tens tonight.

Ten whats?

I don't know.

Death. I'd give up your life if I could have her.

We're even.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Is he okay?

Damn. That's Willard Broxton. Is he hurt?

Long time coming, Bill?

I couldn't believe it. There he was. I didn't want to hit him, but I had to.

Definitely. You had to. I mean, Willard Broxton.

Who's Willard Broxton?

You should have said something.

What am I gonna say? Hey, I got Willard! Boo.

Shrevie, who is Willard Broxton? I always liked Willard Broxton.

You liked him? I used to take his milk money.

That was outstanding. I'll see you guys later.

Are we gonna go eat? I'm not in the mood.

Going to the diner?

Later. Gonna go to the TV station to see Barbara.

Shrevie, who is Willard Broxton?

Well, it was the 11th grade. No, no, it was the 10th grade. That's right.

Billy was playing ball against one of the high school fraternities.

I think they were ULP.

So Billy comes sliding into second base to break up the double play... and the second baseman thought that Billy was trying to hurt him.

So he jumped on Billy. So Billy punched the guy.

And then, the whole ULP team jumped on Billy.

They beat the crap out of him.

He's been waiting for them after all these years?

Well, he swore he'd get them. That was forever ago, Shrevie.

So Broxton makes it eight. Or seven. Seven? No, no. It's eight. That's right.

There's one guy left.

What are you waiting for? It's open.

What about the slides? I didn't hear anything about the slides.

There's not much time before the news. Yeah, I tried to call.

The switchboard closes down at 10.

I was getting the feeling that you were trying to avoid me.

Oh, that's not true, Billy.

Do you want to run down the film chains for me?

The governor's press conference on 3. There's a B roll of it.

And the slides? One.

Stand by for cold tease. Ten seconds.

Who's the visitor? Friend of mine. Five seconds.

And, one. Mike, cue.

President Eisenhower returns from the World Peace Tour.

Steel dispute continues. Interviews with John Unitas and Coach Ewbank... in preparation for tomorrow's championship game.

These and other stories next.

Roll three, three and track.

Willy, after this I still have a lot of work to do.

Why don't you call in the morning?

Where's the news opening? Six.

Okay. What's good?

Church services are at 10, 8:30, 9.

Punch ID, and announce.

This is WBAL TV, Channel 11 in Baltimore, wishing all our viewers... a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

Merry Christmas, baby You really did treat me nice

Bought me a hi-fi for Christmas

Now I'm living in paradise Let's see. It's two more days till the test.

And if she passes, it's two more days till the thing. The marriage.

Where are you guys going, Puerto Rico?

No, Cuba.

Cuba, that's nice. My parents' friends, the Copelands, they go there every year.

They said it's nice? Really nice.

Yeah. Yeah, I heard.

Shrev, are you happy with your marriage or what?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

You don't know? What?

How could you not...? You don't know? How could you not know?

I don't know.

Beth is terrific and everything, but Jesus, I don't know.

A big part of the problem when you get married...

When you're dating... everything is talking about sex, right?

Where can we do it? You know, why can't we do it?

Are your parents gonna be out so we can do it, you know?

Trying to get a weekend just so that we can do it.

So you can do it.

Everything is just always talking about getting sex.

And then planning the wedding.

All the details.

Details, shit.

But then, when you get married...

It's crazy, I don't know. I mean, you can get it whenever you want it.

You wake up in the morning, and she's there.

And you come home from work, and she's there.

And so all that sex-planning talk is over with.

And so is the wedding-planning talk because you're already married.


So, you know, I can come down here and we can bullshit the whole night away.

But I cannot hold a five-minute conversation with Beth.

It's not her fault. I'm not blaming her. She's great. It's...

No, of course not.

It's just, we've got nothing to talk about.

But, it's good, it's good.

It's good?

It's nice, right? Yes.

It's nice. Right.


Well, you've always got the diner.

Yeah. We've always got the diner.

But don't worry about it. I'm not worried.

Ahem. Don't back out on me.

I'm not gonna back out on you either.

Unless, of course, she fails the test. It's out of my hands.

Run, run Rudolph Santa's got to make it to town Santa make him hurry Tell him he can take the freeway down Run, run Rudolph 'Cause I'm reelin' like a merry-go-round

Hey, Boog. Did you hear? They won by 14.

God! They weren't supposed to roll up that high of a score.

You gonna listen to me next time?

Santa make him hurry Tell him he can take the freeway down

Run, run Rudolph Reelin' like a merry-go-round

Come here. Your mother let you loose like this?

Look at those pants. I got charcoal pants here.

You want to get inside the diner? Come here. Look at these. Charcoal gray.

Special sale, 12.50.

Twelve-fifty? You offered him 7. For you, 11.98. These are better.

You think I'll tell him? Don't tell anybody where you got these.

How much money have you got? Four bucks.

Four bucks? I've got a good shirt for you. Forget the pants.

It's incredible. Unbelievable.

Where's he now?

He's already up to the Pimlico. Right? Then he's got the Junction.

And the Avalon and the Garrison. That's the George's Deluxe in the corner.

Oh, yeah.

You know what that is?

One, two. The whole left side of the menu. What a triumph if he pulls it off.

You're talking about 15, 16 more if you include the...

The Maryland fried-chicken dinner. I think he's just talking club sandwiches.

Excuse me, Earl. Does that include the fried-chicken dinner?

Yes. It does.

Twenty-two deluxe sandwiches and the fried-chicken dinner.

It's not human. He's not a person. He's like a building with feet.

You know what I mean? It's unbelievable.

Not gonna pay you, no. It's not fair.

She was supposed to grab your pecker, not reach into the popcorn and get it.

Exactly. She grabbed my pecker.

Yeah, but Boog, the bet was touch your pecker, not pecker in popcorn.

That's right. It was pecker-touching without intention.

I'm not gonna pay you. No. No, she was supposed to grab your pecker.

Give me some money. I don't buy it.

Yeah. I want it on the up-and-up. Me too. This one was default.

Let it ride. I'll tell you what.

I'll bet you I can ball Carol Heathrow on our next date.

Now, you're nuts.

No. Come on, Boog.

You want to bet me 50 bucks a guy? Fifty?

Yeah. It's like stealing money from you, Boog.

Are you in? Yeah, I'm in. I'm in.

Are you in? I'm in.

Are you in? I'm in.

All right.

Yeah. Are you in, Billy?

No, I'm not in.

I'll take all the action I can get.

We need validation.

All right, you want validation? Okay, you can be there to validate.


Earl is the king. The whole left side.

The Portland. I didn't think he could eat any more than that.

Do you want to look at some desserts? He's locking up.

Get them now or forget it.

Can he do it? Yes. He's getting in the car.

Good breakfast, Earl.

Try to keep that down, Earl. Standing ovation for the Earl. Standing O.

The car moves.

Don't get in the way.

That was beautiful. Grind them.

Peel some rubber now, Earl.

Let's meet here at 12 and go to the game in my car.

Let's make it quarter to. I don't want to miss any pre-game crap.

Why don't we just go now? That way we won't miss anything.

Shrevie. Wait a minute, we're talking about the championship game.

For Christ's sake, let's get serious. A quarter to.

All right? Quarter to.

All right. I'll see you later. So long.

You got a ride?

You going straight home? Yeah. Get in.

It's no problem? Modell. Don't give me that. Get in.

You want me to go? I'll go. Whatever you want.

I got to meet that girl. She is death.

Very nice. Man, I'm in love.

Miss! Whoa, miss!

Whoa, miss?

Hey, miss. Watch the road.

Hold on a second.

I was admiring your horse.

Were you?

Do you ride Western as well?

I do, but I prefer English. There's a finer sense of control.

What's your name?

Jane Chisholm. As in the Chisholm Trail.

What fucking Chisholm Trail?

Do you ever get the feeling there's something going on we don't know about?

Do you get the feeling that she gave me a fake name?

Do you want to keep driving? No. Might as well call it a night.

Is there anything wrong, Barb?


Yes. I think I'm pregnant.



Our one night in New York last month.

Six years of a platonic relationship, and then that night.

And this happens.

Maybe it's for the best. No.

I don't think so.

Do you want to marry me?


Is that why you came back a few days early? To ask?

Well, I thought after New York, you know...

Seven weeks is a long time when you miss someone.

New York was a mistake.

Well, maybe it wasn't as romantic as we'd like it to be, but I think it will happen.

It isn't perfect yet, but...

I love you, Barb.

You're confusing a friendship with a woman and love.

It's not the same.

That's the opening whistle and our game begins.

You're still playing for a 30-point bonus question.

Here's another toss up in English. Are you ready?

A spaceship is stranded on the planet Mercury outside of the libration areas.

It is night, and pitch black outside.

For 10 points, how long must the explorers wait until sunrise?

Sun doesn't rise on Mercury.

Bryn Mawr. Stebbins.

They won't get a sunrise because Mercury has one side... perpetually turned toward the Sun and the other away from it.

That's right. They would have to wait forever. That's the answer.

I have a 20-point bonus coming up.

Here's your toss-up. For 10 points: What would a man probably have... if he had a visible contusion near the upper part of his zygomatic arch?

A black eye. A sharp lump on his head.

No. Black eye, you bozo.

Bryn Mawr. Stebbins.

I think, let's see, he would have a bump here.

You look like you've got a bump on your head.

A black eye.

All right. We were looking for a black eye.

But I must accept a bruised cheekbone. All right.

Yeah, Ma. I know I owe $2000. Guess what? I heard it before you.

What am I gonna do?

I'm choice. I'm gonna have to find a way to pay it off.

Me? I've got $56 to my name.

Yeah, I know I'm in trouble.

Then they'll kill me. What can I tell you?

Here's your toss-up. For 10 points: What home-grown philosopher said:

"The masks of men lead lives..." Thoreau!

Cornell. Pearlman. Thoreau.

Right, for 10 points. "Lead lives of quiet..."

That's right, for 10 points.

The statement inscribed in the US Post Office:

"Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night..."


For 10 points, what classical author wrote it?

Herodotus. Right, for 10 points.

Hey, Cornell. Take a walk, you bozo.

The final half, with the score: Bryn Mawr College, 104... and Cornell University, 60.

I talked to Shrevie. Shrevie's gonna lend me 200.

You going over now? Yeah.

I might drop in on my brother, might be able to get some bucks from the toast.



I appreciate that, Fen.

I know how you guys feel about each other.

Listen. With the Heathrow bet I'm gonna be close. I'll see you later.


What? Come here.

I'm doing a crossword puzzle.

Come here!

Playin' the fiddle and drinkin' gin What?

Have you been playing my records?

Yeah. So?

So didn't I tell you the procedure?

Yeah, you told me all about it, Shrevie. They have to be in alphabetical order.

And what else?

They have to be filed alphabetically and according to year as well. Okay?

And what else?

What else? I don't know.

You don't know? Well, let me give you a hint, okay?

I found my James Brown record filed under the J's, instead of the B's.

I don't know who taught you to alphabetize.

But to top it off, he's in the rock 'n' roll section... instead of the R & B section. How can you do that?

It's too complicated, Shrevie. See, every time I pull out a record... there's this whole procedure I have to go through.

I just want to hear the music, that's all.

Is it too complicated to just keep my records in the category?

Just put the rock 'n' roll in with the rock 'n' roll.

Put the R & B in with the R & B.

You're not gonna put Charlie Parker in with the rock 'n' roll, would you?

Would you?

I don't know. Who is Charlie Parker?

Jazz! Jazz!

He was the greatest jazz saxophone player that ever lived!

What are you getting so crazy about?

It's just music. It's not that big a deal.

It is. Don't you understand? This is important to me.

Shrevie, why do you yell at me?

I never hear you yell at any of your friends.

Look. Pick a record. Okay?

What? Just pick any record.

Any record. Okay.

What's the hit side?

"Good Golly Miss Molly." Okay.

Now ask me what's on the flip side. Why?

Just ask me what's on the flip side. Okay?

What is on the flip side?

"Hey, Hey, Hey, Hey." 1958. Specialty Records.

See, you don't ask me things like that. You never ask me what's on the flip side.

No. Because I don't give a shit.

Who cares about what's on the flip side of a record?

I do.

Every one of my records means something.

The label. The producer. The year it was made.

Who was copying whose styles. Who was expanding on that.

Don't you understand?

When I listen to my records... they take me back to certain points in my life. Okay?

Just don't touch my records. Ever.

The first time that I met you...

Modell's sister's high-school graduation party. Right? 1955.

And "Ain't That A Shame" was playing when I walked in the door.

Hi, Boogie. How you doing?

Is Shrevie here? No.

He's not here? I called him a little while ago, he said he'd be in.

What's the matter? Nothing.

Did I come at a bad time? No, it's all right.

What's the matter? Maybe I should go. I'll come back later.

Should I leave? Should I? What's the matter?

Boogie, does he ever yell at you?

What? What happened, baby?

We had a fight.

Why did you have a fight? I don't know.

Do you want me to talk to him?

Tell me why you had a fight. I don't know...

Come on, don't cry. Come on.

Come on, baby. I did something wrong.

I ain't got a man I ain't got a son I ain't got a daughter I ain't got no one I'm a lonely girl I ain't got a home Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I ain't got a mother I ain't got a father I ain't got a sister He's in trouble. Don't you know about friendship, Howard?

Five hundred dollars?

Four hundred, 300. Whatever you can afford.

Maybe this is a lesson for you.

If you worked, you'd have some money to lend him.

Yeah, I know. I'm irresponsible. I dropped out of college.

I won't work in the family business. I'm a disgrace.

That's a good reason to keep me out of your house, God knows.

You're a bad example.

Far be it for me to disagree. Give me some money, Howard.

Do you ever read a book?

Read. Do you ever read? Never.

You should read Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Give me some money, Howard.

Where'd you get this attitude?

I borrowed it. I have to have it back by midnight. Howard.

I should talk to Daddy about stopping your trust fund.

It's killing your initiative.

Some big trust fund. A hundred dollars a month till I'm 23.

Yeah, Granddad was a real Rockefeller.


It's important.

I wouldn't come otherwise.

I don't like to see you, so you know it's got to be very important.

Get off.

I despise you, and yet I'm here.

Get off.

It's funny. You know, when I was a little kid I always wanted a brother... and I told that to Mom once. And she said, "You have a brother."

And I said, "Oh, that's who the asshole in the other bed is."

If I had my way, I'd just date Elyse all my life.

Hey, watch it, pal. Just date her.

I personally like dating.

What are you doing it for? I've been dating Elyse for five years.

I have no choice. You know how girls are. Security and all that.

They need that thing, that marriage thing.

What am I watching?

The movie just started and I don't know what's going on.

It's symbolic.

Who's that guy?

That's Death walking on the beach.

I've been to Atlantic City a hundred times and I never saw Death walk on the beach.


Kids did this.

Oh, tell me, baby What's the matter with you?

It's a sacrilege for Christ's sake.

Hey, what is this?

Come on. What's wrong?

It's an emergency.

What's up? Fenwick's in the manger.

What? He's in the manger and he won't leave.

Manger? I've never seen him like this.

Oh, little town of Bethlehem

This is crazy. I told you.

Three more wise men. They've heard of the miracle.

Let's go, Fen. You must have traveled far.

Come. Come rest your weary feet.

Come on, Fen. Get out of there.

Someone'll spot you. The police are gonna be here.

Come on, Fen. Put your pants on.


This is a big smile. Don't you think?

Yeah. Yeah, come on.

Come on.

Let's go. No! No!

Here we go. Fen, no! Fen!

Eddie, get him. Get his arms.

Billy. Billy, grab him.

I got him. Keep him. Hold on.

Back! Back! Fenwick, put the damn sheep down.

Put the sheep down. Stop screwing around.

Put the sheep down. We'll pick up the three wise men and get out of here.


Fortunately, my work is done.

Nice, Fen. Very nice.

What do we do now? Choice.

Thanks, pal.

I added some killer questions to the test.

Tomorrow night's the showdown.

Is she studying hard?

Better be. Otherwise, she's off to Cuba alone.

Wish I knew what to do about Barbara.

You get married. You take her back to school with you.

You get a part-time job.

And, you know, by the time you've got your master's, kid's arrived, all's well.

Yeah, what about her job?

Her job?

Her job...

I give you an answer and you confuse it by bringing her into the problem.

Do you want to take a walk?

Look, Ed. She's in this thing.

There's two of us, you know?

She loves her work and... she doesn't want to marry me. That's the bottom line.

You're dealing with an irrational girl. That's your problem.

Look, do you want to find someplace else to stand, buddy?

You gonna do some thing about it?

You heard him! Schmuck, back off!

You gonna do something about it?

Do you want to fight? Is that what you want? Come on.

Come on, you son of a bitch.

I'll hit you so hard, I'll kill your whole family.

What's going on?


I've got him right here.

We called Timmy's father, but he said he wouldn't post bail until the morning.

He wants to teach him a lesson.

We get back from Florida, open the door, and the police call.

That's what I call good timing.

How's Mom? She's fine.

He was punching out wise men? Yeah, he was punching out the wise men.

He was so drunk I couldn't believe it.

I can't believe that his father leaves him in jail overnight.

He's punching out the wise men and knocks over the whole manger?

His family situation is not the best. Between his father and his brother...

But why furnish your enemies with ammunition?

You're a family man, Harvey. And someday, God willing... you may want to be president. And there you are, out in the open... where any hep person knows that this guy is toting this guy around with you.

Are we kids, or what? Get out of here.

Thanks, J.J., for what I consider sound advice.

Would you get out of here?

Is he crazy, or am I mistaken? He's weird.

Do you think I'm doing the right thing getting married?

Eddie, I can't tell you that.

I keep thinking that I'm gonna be missing out on things, you know?

Yeah, well, that's what marriage is all about.

But I never did a lot before. You know?


I never did a lot of...

Not a lot of screwing around.

Some, you know? Of course. A little.

A little?

A little.

You son of a bitch.

You're a virgin, aren't you?



You've got a lot to learn.

Who am I gonna learn it from?

Elyse? Elyse doesn't know anything.

We could be in trouble.

I am thinking of him.

Barbara, this is stupid. I mean, it's crazy.

By deserting him before he dies.

I don't understand you, Barbara. It's mine as well.

I have something to say in this as well. Don't I?

I'm not talking about doing anything drastic.

An abortion, or anything like that.

I'm getting the feeling I'm not included. Keep your voice down.

Who is it you think you're talking to? I'm half responsible for this mess.

Please, don't talk so loud.

I do not think this is the time or place to talk about this very private matter.

When is the time? You're yelling...

Why don't we take a 10-minute break?

Barbara, what are we gonna do?

We've got to talk about this. We've got to try...

Would it be easier just to let time pass?

He's very, very ill.

I can't believe this happened to me. I'm hardly the adventurous type.

Somehow it just doesn't seem fair, and that makes it very difficult.

Of course it's difficult. Whether it's fair or not doesn't make difference.

It's happened. Got to work it out together. I know.

I know. I have a great feeling for you, Willy.

You're my closest friend.

Barbara, I want you to marry me.

Is it necessary to talk to him?

I will not marry you. Not out of convenience.

Not because it's the thing to do, which is what everybody else does.

Do you think that I'm asking you to marry me because... it's what everybody else does?

Someday I may change my hairstyle, but not yet.

Okay. Whenever you're ready. All right.

The style you have looks really good on you. Thank you.

Watch your head.

Hi, Boog.

How you doing, Beth?

Here's the Post. Thank you.

Is Mr. Andre here?

No. Mr. Andre, he stepped out to get some coffee and donuts.

He'll be back. What's up?

We're all supposed to have our hair done for the wedding.

The bridesmaids, the whole group.

And I'm in charge to make sure that Mr. Andre can handle it... without any problems. Maybe get some extra operators or something.

Yeah, I don't know what he has... Can you get this?

I don't know what he has planned.

You're not gonna go to work that day, are you?

No, but I'm sure he's got something arranged.

Why don't you, sit down over there and he'll be right in.


I'm gonna go out for a second.

It's cold out here. I should get my coat. Come on. It's not that cold.

Where are we gonna go?

Let's go down here to my office.

This is your office? Yeah.

Get in.

What's the matter? You had a payment to make.

I'm gonna make it.

You were supposed to make it last night. Nobody in the office got a call.

That was a mistake. I forgot. I've placed some bets tonight.

I'm gonna have it.

Don't bullshit me, Boogie. I'm not bullshitting.

Don't bullshit me. Unh!

Tank, cut it out. I'm gonna make it.

Tank, what are you doing?

Who do you think you're fucking with, some kid?

What are you doing?

Fun and games, a little kids' play or something?

I'll have it. I'm not amused.

I'm not amused. Hear me? Don't hit me.

Tank, what are you doing? No ifs, ands, or buts. All right?

I'm gonna have it. Tonight.

Tank, don't...

Carol. Hey.

I was just thinking about you.


The flu?

Yeah. Yeah, I know. That doesn't sound too good.


A hundred and two?

Yeah, well listen. All right.

All right. Take care, and...

All right.

Listen, I'll call you back later and check up on you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

You feeling better?

Yeah, well, I'm not crying. I think that's about the only improvement.

Boog, I want to thank you for last night.

I guess I just needed someone.

Don't thank me. It was... I don't know. It just kind of felt like old times, you know?

Standing in the doorway, I kind of felt like I was dating you again.

Boog, when we were dating, did you care for me?

Sure I did.

No, I don't mean just because you could do stuff to me, but...

But because you really cared.

Of course, Beth. I mean, there was plenty of girls around for a quick pop.

If that's what I wanted.

But I got to tell you, you were good.

I was?

Believe me.

How would I rate?

You would rate way up there.

I mean, because, I never told you this, but this, I often think of the nights that we spent together.

I mean, and that was a long time ago.

You know, I don't have any sense of myself anymore.

I don't know what I am.

I don't know if I'm pretty or if I'm... Oh.

I just, I have no sense of me anymore.


I don't know what Shrevie... I don't know what he doesn't tell you.

But you don't have anything to worry about.

You're a definite looker. You're a very... Listen to me.

You're a very sexy lady. You are.

I think...

I think maybe we should... you know, go out sometime.

I think we should get together.

Is, Shrevie gonna go over... for Elyse's football test?



I don't know.

Are you going?


What do you think?

Maybe we can go out tonight, Boog?


Yeah, we...

We can get together.


Was George Shaw a first-round draft choice?

Five, seven.

First-round draft choice? True.

Wrong. He was a bonus pick.

Elyse, did you study?

Okay. That concludes the true-and-false section of the test.

Let me get the short-answer stuff in order.

Can I have a glass of water? No.

How's she doing?

Elyse has about a 72 so far. But she's hitting a bad streak.

Before the Cleveland Browns joined the NFL, they were in another league.

What was it called?

Browns were in another league?

Yes, they were. I don't know.

This is hot. You have anything cold?

Elyse, don't get too close to the answer sheet. Okay?

What's it now, Shrev? Let me see.

What, passing is 65?

No. Passing is 65.

Buddy Young played for a team that no longer exists.

What was the name of that team?

Anybody know that? Not a chance.

The New York Yankees football team. The New York Yankees football team?

They also were part of the All-American Football Conference.

I contributed that question.

What was the longest run from scrimmage by a rookie in his first game?

Alan Ameche.

Hey! We heard that in here.

I'm disqualifying this question.

I knew that. Seventy-nine yard run, opening day 1955.

Good, Shrevie. You blew that.

I'm sorry. I got excited. It's one of the few questions that I knew.

Sorry, Elyse.

How many more? I don't know. I lost count.

Elyse's mother is on the phone. How's she doing?

The guys think it could go either way.

Either way. Okay.

Can I go to the bathroom? No. Okay. The Colts signed him.

A Heisman Trophy winner who decided to play in Canada.

Now, however, he plays for the team. What's his name?

Heisman Trophy winner.

L.G. Dupre. No. Billy Vessels.

I should've known that. Should-ofs don't count.

Vessels. Out of Oklahoma.

She could have racked up points on that one. I have no idea what the score is.

You want to bet she goes down for the count?

Last question. The Colts had a team here, lost the franchise... then got one from Dallas.

What were the colors of the original Colt team?

Ooh. Ball buster.

The original colors? My mother quizzed me on this.

Also my question.

Green and gray. Right.

Whoa. What a scrapper.

A tough question and she pulls it out of the bag.

Very impressive. Okay. Total's coming up.

True and false, 72.

Killer choices. Very confusing.

Short answer, 64.

What do you think? I don't know. Pick them.

Cliffhanger. The total is 63.


I think you better check that again. Two points.

I checked the figures thoroughly.

What do you think he'll do? He'll give them to her.

Good sportsmanship is worth two points.

Eddie, what about the Alan Ameche question? I knew that one.

The marriage is off.


Where are we going? We'll go to Fenwick's apartment.

Hey, listen. Put this on.

What's that for? I don't know. In case somebody sees us.

They'll think you're Carol Heathrow or somebody like that.

It's the craziest thing.

How does it look?

You look good.

Okay. Let's go.

I gave him the questions. What's this jazz? They were wonderful questions.

Go drive your truck.

Ask your son if they weren't wonderful questions.

I was just trying to have some fun. Don't raise your voice.

I don't want you to raise your voice... How did I know it would end up like this?

Going to the diner. Want to go? I got to validate the Heathrow bet.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Do you mind if I go with you?

Come on. I'm not gonna make any noise.

It's a small closet. You've got to be still. Okay.

Okay, let's take my car.

No. Let's take mine. Get some fresh air.

Let's put the top up. It's freezing out here.

Let's go. Okay.

Let's go. Let's fly. Okay, Shrev. All right.

Any forward gear will do here.

Beth would kill me if she knew what I was doing.

She goes with all the guys From outta my class But that can't stop me From a-thinkin' to myself She's sure fine-lookin' man She's something else

Hey, look a-there, across the street There's a car made just for me To own that car would be a luxury

"My Prayer"?

Flip side, "Heaven on Earth," recorded by The Platters for Mercury Records.

Color of the label, maroon. Another. "I'm Stickin' With You"?

"I'm Stickin' With You." Flip side is "Ever Lovin' Fingers."

Recorded by Jimmy Bowen for Roulette Records.

Color of the label is orange. All right.

"Donna"? "Donna."

Flip side? I thought "Donna" was the flip side.

It's "La Bamba."

Oh, la, la, la, la, la, la bamba Ba, da, da, da, da, la bamba

Come on, I'll crouch. You stand. Fine.

All right? That'll be good.

Yeah. Yeah.

Can you see? Yeah.

I'm okay.

Let's leave it open. I'm claustrophobic. Come on, Shrev.

I should have taken my coat off too. Take it off. It's a closet.

Oh, God.

She's beautiful.

All right, you're good? That's good?

You're gonna have to be real quiet when we get inside. No talking.

I think you're being a little paranoid, Boog.

The walls are very, very thin. You promise?


Did you leave the door open?

What door?

Don't worry.

What's going on? Come on, man.

They should be here by now.

Boog, what are you talking about? Bet or no bet, it's not right.

Boog? Boog, what are you talking about?

Where are they?

They're taking their time.

I wonder what's happening.

Come on, Boog. I think we're missing the show.

So I was supposed to be Carol Heathrow?

That's right.

It was a sick thing to do.

I'm sorry.

Thanks, Boog.

What for?

You had enough respect for me to call it off. That says a lot.

Look. I think you and Shrevie should try to work out your thing.

Yeah. I just wish I knew what to do.

Yeah, I don't know. It's like...

This kind of problem with a girl, I'm not too good about talking about it.

But, I mean, you know me. If I have a problem with a girl, I just split.

But I think you and Shrevie should work your thing out.

I think it would be worth it.

Boog, when I came into the beauty parlor this morning, and you said all those things... were you lying?

You'll always rate right up there.

Come on, let's go. Okay.

What are you going to do about the money?

I don't know.

Come on, Boog. Don't let us down, buddy.

Come on.

We're missing all the action. I'll bet he's getting her in hallway.

Can we have a couple more beers over here?

Do you remember copping a feel?

How could I forget? Boogie was the first. Seventh grade.


When I took out Ruth Ray, I figured I had to do it.

Ruth Ray, eighth grade. Right.

Sat on the... Sat on the couch in her club cellar for hours... trying to figure out a way to get my arm around her.

Finally, I learned the move.

Do you know the move?

I yawned and put my arm around her shoulder.

Then... Man, was I young.

Then came the big task of getting my hand down to her breast.

By the time, you know, I got the nerve to move down...

I realized my arm was asleep.

No? Yeah.

There wasn't time enough to take it away, get the feeling again, and start over.

I had to be in by 11. Time was running out.

The breast was moved toward, with my arm asleep.

My first copping a feel was like this.

That doesn't even count.

Then I see the guys. You were there.

They say, "Did you cop a feel?"

I said, "Yeah." The guys said, "How was it?" I said, "Great."

Do you mean to tell me that you never copped a feel from Ruth Ray?

No. You lied to me?

I ought to kill you. You believed me.

I was dumb.

And you believed me, you dick.

Yeah, the whole thing with girls is painful.

And it seems like it keeps getting more painful instead of easier.

Hey, Boog's here.

Hey, Boog.

Hey. Where were you tonight? We missed you Boog.

Yeah. You chicken out?

Yep, I chickened out.

Listen, Boog. I think you should get out of here.

Tank's inside.

Yeah, why don't you wait out here till he splits?

No, he's just gonna catch up with me sooner or later.

I mean the hand's dealt. I might as well just play the cards.

What do you think we should do, in case something happens?

I don't know.


How are you doing, Tank?

You're a lucky man, Boog.

Yeah. Is that so?

This donkey in here, Bagel, he paid your whole tab.

Bagel paid the money that I owe you?

Yeah, Boog. You're straight, like an arrow.

Shame, shame.

Hey, Tank. Yeah?

All right, Boogie!

Whoo! I owed you that.

What a punch, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, Boog.

Nice punch. He put him down. Nice going.

Smile of the week. Definitely the smile of the week.

What do you say, George? Nothing.

Thanks a lot, Bagel. I really appreciate it.

Your mother called me.

She did? Yeah. She was hysterical.

So, you know, out of respect for your father.

Your mother told me you're just wasting your time in law school.

It's not for you. What do you say?

Yeah, well, she's probably right.

So why don't you come work for me?

Boog, you can't imagine... how much money there is to be made in home-improvement.

And I can't think of anybody who'd do it better than you would.

Well, I'll tell you. You know, I was only going to law school... as a come-on for the girls.

They like that.

Do they like it a lot? Yeah. They like it.

I mean, what the hell? You know, I could lie.

Hey, Florence, could I have some French fries with gravy, please?

We'll call the $2000 an advance?


Okay, but I've got to tell you something, Bagel.

I'll work with you for a little while until we square it off.

But, you know I got plans.

Always a dreamer, hey, Boog?

If you don't have good dreams, Bagel, you got nightmares.

I'll tell you one thing that happens when you get married.

You have to give up your old friends.

Because the wife wants you to get new friends.

And new friends?

Nope. Because you and me, buddy... we got secrets she'll never know.

Never know. Those new friends could never be as good.


Because we've... We've got a history.

A history.

It won't change, Ed. Only if you let it.

This is getting me crazy. Come on. Pick it up, you guys.

You want to pick up the beat?

Be quiet or we'll get thrown out. You gonna pick up the beat?

You gonna pick up the beat?

It's classical.

That's crazy, man.

I'll pay for it. No problem.

My buddy!

All right. All right. That's better.

Come on, honey. You can shake it.

Billy, you've got magic fingers.

A regular Fats Domino.

Hold on a second.

Come on. Come on. First joke you remember.

All right. All right. Okay.

Fifth grade, Junior Scholastic Magazine.

Okay. Hickory dickory doc. The mouse ran up the clock.

The clock struck one, and the other two escaped with minor injuries.

Boo. Boo. Minor...


That's terrible. Fifth-grade humor.

Since then, it's moved up to the sixth grade. Is that it?

You're all right. You guys have really made my night.

You should come down and hang out more often.

I can't. I'm getting married.

She would have gotten that Alan Ameche question that Shrev screwed up.

Benefit of the doubt. Exactly.

I love weddings.

I just never found the time to settle, or even wanted to.

And you?

No marriage.

Got a girl?

Not really. Just in love.

Does the girl know? Yeah, I told her about it.

Told her.

Didn't you show her?

Come on.

Nice morning.

Yes, it is.

Mornings, I've often felt, are a nice time to ride.

Do you live around here? Well, not around here. Here.

Which means, you're trespassing.

I'm just waiting for an invite. So let's ride.

What's your name? Boogie.

Boogie? Bobby Sheftell.

Isn't she beautiful?

What is that music? It's the Colts' marching song.

It's very tasteful. Very tasteful.

In the presence of this company as witness, you have spoken the words... and performed the rites which unite your lives.

I therefore declare, you Edward, and you Elyse... husband and wife.

And now I ask you, and all your dear ones here... to bow your heads in reverence.

Silently, let us pray, that God will bless your home... and help you to achieve your highest hopes.


One, two, one, two, three.

One, two, one, two, three. One...

You look very pretty. Thank you.

Blue becomes you.

Hey, I made us some reservations... for the summer in the Poconos.

For how long?

I think we might go for 10 days.

Ten days is good, yeah.

I'm thinking of going to Europe.

Why don't you stay in the United States and just travel around?

I don't know. It's been done. Europe. Europe looks like a smile.

Yes, I'll have my master's in business.

And then, I guess I'll come back.

Blue moon You saw me standing alone Every time we go to a wedding, we got to listen to this guy.

Without a dream in my heart Yeah, I'll visit you, of course. I'm not moving to another country.

Please come back soon. I'll make you sandwiches. All right?

Blue moon You knew just what I was there for You heard me saying a prayer for Gonna get some hors d'oeuvres. Would you like anything?

Yeah, Bobby. Can I have a few more of whatever these are?

They're good. Thank you.

Hi, boys.

Hello, test.

I don't want to bother you. I just wanted to say a few words.

I didn't prepare anything or anything.

The guys told me to come up and say a few words.

I was thinking that, you know, now that Eddie's getting married... and he won't really be hanging out with the guys anymore...

I just wanted to say that we were never really that crazy about you.

I'll be quite honest.

I didn't want to tell you sooner because you're a sensitive person.

I just want to thank everybody who's responsible for your being here.

Elyse, I don't know if everybody knows what Elyse had to go through to get married.

She was two points away from spending the rest of her life by herself.

It was very... It was sad.

And now she knows more about football than most girls in America.

It's important, it really is.

I mean, we all know most marriages depend on a firm grasp of football trivia.

Eddie gets crazy sometimes with sports. I don't know if you know him.

I mean, it's one thing to dress the room in blue and white, with banners... and the cake in the shape of a football. It was a little too much.

I thought it was out of line when Eddie asked the rabbi... to wear black and white stripes and a whistle. That was wrong.

So, Eddie's mother, I know, is very upset that he's leaving the house.

Would you look at this?

Another article talking about this theory of evolution.

Can I have the "Sports" page?

Do you believe this? I don't buy the whole thing.

They're saying that millions of years ago there was a swamp.

I don't want to hear it.

In the middle of this murky, disgusting... boggy water swamp, there's an amoeba.

This amoeba meets another amoeba... and they have a kid who's a fish who crawls onto land.

And from one lousy amoeba millions of years ago... that today there's some guy with a winter coat on a corner yelling "Taxi!"

Where's that connection? How can that possibly be?

An amoeba has no legs. Why do you care how we evolved?

They can float.

We're all animals. You're gonna argue this with him?

It's not just people. It's not even animals, chickens, come on.

How could chickens live in a swamp? That's ridiculous.

They can't even make it out of a pot of frying oil.

Think of chickens, dogs, birds, cows, little Cocker Spaniel puppies... living in a muddy swamp. It's enough to make you sick.

Girls don't come from the same swamp, that's for sure.

I don't know who makes up this stuff.

It's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. People do not come from swamps.

They come from Europe.

Where do people in Europe come from? What am I? Rand McNally? It's...


Let me ask you something personal.


Is it true you took out Arlene Stanton?

You heard that? Yeah.

Get out of here. Of course not.

Come on. You touched Arlene.

Would you look at her? Would you...? Would you?

You're embarrassed, don't want to say.

Get out of here. Did you?

Once. I took her once. Did you spend money on her?

I'm not marrying the girl. I went out for a drive.

Why did you deny it when I asked you? I didn't deny that.

Wouldn't you deny it?

I just want to ask you a question. Did you touch her, at all?

Of course not.

Did you touch anything she touched? Did she touch you?

You guys are sick, you know that.

I heard you kissed her goodnight.

I'm dropping her off. You got to be polite.

Remind me never to kiss you.

I'll make a note about that one, Shrev. Disgusting, Shrevie.

You want to hear one? Yeah, go.

This guy's going home from work. He has a brand new car.

What kind? Doesn't matter.

Brand new car, it doesn't matter. Let's hear it.

So he pulls into this bar.

He says "Give me... Give me a scotch and soda."

He's drunk, right. That's not funny.

Would you let me tell the joke? So he says:

"Yeah, give me a scotch and soda." And so the bartender says:

"Do you really think you should be having one?"

Why? Why?

Why what? Why should he not be having one?

I'm just telling you the joke. I don't know why he asks him, all right?

So he looks at the guy and says:

"Sir, maybe it's none of my business, but..."

Oh, what? He forgot something.

This guy has no arms and no legs.

How could he drive the car?

It's a funny joke, but it doesn't work now.

Finish it.

No, I'm starting a joke. I spend 10 minutes building a joke.

Let him finish. Now it's not going to be funny.

Come on. It's not funny now.

Tell the joke. Just say it.

Do you remember that time they brought a girl in here?

When was that?

The only girl that ever set foot... They brought a girl here.

There's never been a woman.

When we were in 10th grade... Everybody was younger.

This place was great then. It was great.

Nice cars then?

It used to be so cool to be older and hang out here, and now...

But now we're older, and we're cooler, and we're still hanging out here.