Dirty Grandpa (2016) Script

So I said, "If opposing counsel's invoking fiduciary liability precedent

"under the terms of Landgraf v. Henson, "Your Honor, please, by all means, go ahead, "rescind the plaintiff's de facto petition for injunctive relief."

It was fun. It was fun. Yeah.

Excuse me, gentlemen. I'll be right back.

So funny. "Injunctive relief." That tickled my funny bone.

What's up, Nick? Fucking sucks dick about Grandma?

Yeah. Old woman fucking murdered like that.

Nick, she had cancer. That's what they want you to think.

She had cancer for 10 years.

A little too convenient, Jason.

No, it's not, at all.

We'll never know the truth.

We absolutely know the truth. Yeah.

Grandma had cancer for 10 years. You don't just die from cancer, Jason!

It's a conspiracy, man. Just like 9/11.

Oh, God. For your information, Grandma is not right here.

Grandma is gone and she was taken from us.

And we must find the man that did this. Nick! Nick! Stop it.

Man! There are Rockport's. Fuck, man. I just got these.

Calm down... I'll see you at the crossroads, Grandma.

What are you doing? Are you kidding me right now?

Hey, get your shit together!

My dad and my fiancee are literally standing right next to us.

Beyonce's here? No.

Your dad and fiancee are saying yes to Beyonce?

What? No.

Is Jay-Z here, too? No, Nick.

Is Blue Ivy here? Nick.

I'm in the minority. I think their kid's gonna be hot.

What is that?

What are you doing? I'm just...

Are you fucking high right now? No, this isn't...

You're high as a kite! It's an e-cigarette.

It's filled with a little weed, but it's an e-cigarette.

Grow up, man! What are you doing? "Grow up"?

How adult are you? What, do you listen to NPR in your Volvo?

You play racquetball competitively against business associates?

No. No.

You ever go away to a rented house with other couples and then play Scattergories over a bottle of white wine? Jason.

I just blew a shot at your grandma's memory.

Nick, get it together, right now. Lock it up.

I'm not hugging you.

If I hug you, will you stop messing around?

Crop-dusted, motherfucker. You just got crop-dusted.

You're high now. You're high now. Get the fuck away from me.

Now we're both high at Grandma's funeral. We're bonded for life.

Uncle Dave, I'm sorry, man. It's a tough day.


Poor Grandpa...


Our first reading is from Deuteronomy 30:19.

"This day I call the heavens and the earth

"as a witness against you..."

"that I have set before you life and death..."

Hey, babe, I found the tie you're going to wear to the rehearsal brunch Sunday.

Do you like the coral color or the salmon?

"...that the race is not to the swift..." Either one.

"...nor the battle to the strong."

Babe, what's wrong?

Coral or salmon?

Well, what do you like? I mean... I like the coral.

That's what I was going to say, too.

Okay, cool. Okay. Okay.

Coral it is!

It's going to be a special day.

"so that you and your children shall live."

Anyway, I'm down in Valdosta right now. I opened up a fucking pet shop... not pet shop, "puppy mill." Puppy mill...

You know, designer dogs get a bad name, but they can go for quite a pretty penny.

Really? It's just hard to get them to mate.

Because the little dogs, they don't wanna fuck the big dogs, and the big dogs, they don't wanna fuck the little dogs... so I gotta manually do it, you know.

I gotta spread and manually shoot in.

So, what's up with you? Well, I'm keeping pretty busy...

Cool. Hey, Diane, how's it going? Hi, Nick.

I just don't understand why you have to drive down to Florida tomorrow already, Dad.

We just had the funeral.

Your grandmother and I were there at this time every year.

It's what she would have wanted. I'd drive down myself, except they took my license away.

But why does Jason have to be the one to drive you? He's so busy at work.

Got the wedding coming up next weekend, the rehearsal brunch.

You know, the entire law firm is coming to this.

It's true, Grandpa. We have a lot of stuff... Jason... I'll handle it.

Go ahead.

How about Cousin Nick? Dad? Why doesn't Nick do it?

We got this chocolate lab down at the store that is just so horny, every time I touch the back of its ear, it just gushes cum.

Okay. I mean, like a squirting...

Is that your dog?

Nick isn't legally allowed to leave the state of Georgia anymore.

I've barely seen this guy since high school.

What's wrong with spending some time with him?

So spending time with family is suddenly important to you now?

Look, he can come here tomorrow morning for breakfast.

We can drive down to Boca during the day, maybe play a round of golf or two, then he'd be back here in Atlanta the next day.

He can't just flake off for two days!

The risk versus reward here is just... I don't see it happening.

It's what she would have wanted, that's all.

But if you have to get ready for your wedding, if you're that busy...

I just don't understand why he wants you to take him. You're not even that close.

Well, we used to be. Grandpa and I got along growing up.

We used to build these model trains every Christmas, so I brought him this...

It seems like we're cutting it a little close here, you know, with the rehearsal brunch on Friday... I know. I know.

By the way, I can't find any of the Martha's Vineyard vacation photos for the slide show.

I'm just freaking out.

That's because they're on my laptop, which I've got right here.

So I'll send them to the wedding planner. You don't have to worry about anything.

Thanks. And your dad says take 75, because 16 takes forever.

Yeah, I know. He's got it all mapped out for me.

And can you take my car, sweetie? I need the SUV for the wine.

Grandpa?

Grandpa?


Grandpa?

Hey! You made it!

Give me a minute. God! Shit!

You ready to hit the road? I'm really sorry, Grandpa.

I didn't think you'd be doing that.

So you caught me taking a number three. Big deal, right?

Number three? Have a drink.

No. I'm driving, so...

I just got to finish up my exercises, and then we'll hop on 16 to 95.

Dad says we should take 75 to 95. It's more direct.

Dad's full of shit. Grandpa, are you sure you're okay?

Thanks for doing this, by the way.

Those fuckheads down at the DMV took my goddamn license away because of these fucking cataracts in my eye.

But I can still hit the shit out of a golf ball, that's for sure!

I made a tee time for us in Florida for this afternoon.

You can use your grandmother's lady clubs, they're right there by the front door.

Okay.

All right, you ready?

I thought the plan was to have breakfast here?

That's your breakfast. Now let's get in that giant labia you drove up in and get the fuck out of here.

You sure I should be driving with this, Grandpa?

Don't worry, if you spill it, this giant tampon we're driving in should soak it up.

Just finishing a work email for the Steinhart file.

So you're a lawyer at your dad's firm now, is that right?

That's right, and Meredith is too.

You know, her dad is one of the managing partners there, so...

I know, that's... Yeah.

It couldn't have worked out better.

Because it's just that I remember when you were in high school, you told me how much you wanted to be a photographer, travel the world.

That sort of thing. You remember when I got you that subscription to Time magazine?

Yeah, I used to be into photography, but...

I mean, with Dad being at the firm... it just made so much more sense to focus on a college curriculum that stressed the law school track.

I mean, I love what I do, Grandpa. Being a corporate lawyer is awesome, I get to handle SEC compliance... No shit!

Yeah. Yeah. You handle SEC compliance?

LP agreements. Man, I didn't know that.

LLC agreements. You're shitting me!

Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides.

You know what I'd rather do? What?

I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon.

That's me. I'm gonna hit the liquor store over there, get some more of the creature.

Meet you back at the Dildomobile in five. You're paying the check, Alan Douche-owitz.

Where do I know that guy from? He looks so familiar.

He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch. Yeah, while J.Crew J'd-off.

Shit! No, you guys, he was... It's so funny.

He was my lab partner in photography class, freshman year.

No shit! He's a Florida alum?

Lenore, you can totally finish the trifecta.

Oh, my God, I already have alum, remember? I fucked that crying divorced guy, Tony.

With the big balls. Yeah. Yeah.

In the porta-potty. Yeah.

At the tailgate. Yeah.

I need a professor.

Wait, I'm sorry. What's the trifecta again?

It's this thing I read about where... in my senior year I have to fuck a freshman, an alumni, and a professor.

Where did you read that? In my diary.

Where I wrote it. He used to take the most... beautiful portraits without using any filters or Photoshop...

He was amazing. Oh, my God, you did?

Yeah. Did you like it?

You guys aren't listening. I'm gonna go say hi to him.

Okay? Slut.

I hope you don't get Tommy Hilfingered.

That was really late, but it still counts.

Just like all my periods.

What?

Hi. How are you?

Good. Here you go, you can keep the change.

No, no, no. I'm not... You...

Okay.

Guys? Guys, listen to me. What?

Let's go. Bitch, what?

Shut the fuck up! Go! Oh, my God!

You all set?

Yeah, I just gave my money to the other waitress, sorry.

There is no other waitress.

I'm the only one who's ever worked here. Ever.

Shit! The fucking piece of shit car never starts!

Hey! Hey!

God, he's like a Mitt Romney Terminator.

Excuse me!

Sorry, my shift is actually over, so... Sorry.

No way. What?

I know you. No.

Yeah, I do. You were in my photography class. You took all those landscapes. Right?

Shadia. Yeah. Shadia.

Holy shit, you're Shadia?

Yeah. Shadia. Shadia.

Jamba! What the fuck!

Shadia. It means "singer" in Arabic.

Or in ancient Arabic, "al-munshida alati tunadi lel-mei."

Or, "she whose name calls others to water."

That's actually right. Shadia, this is my...

Dr. Richards. I teach history at the University of Georgia.

You're a professor?

Yeah. Why? You looking for some extra credit?

Jason and I are doing a story on the Middle East.

He's a photographer for Time magazine.

You know, I lost my virginity at my pop-pop's bingo night.

My name's Lenore.

"The rare and radiant maiden whom the angels named Lenore"

"Quoth the Raven, 'Nevermore'"

Diplomaticos? Hey, you know your cigars.

What are you, half Cuban or something? Actually, I am, Professor.

The bottom half. Okay.

Yeah, we're heading out. Good to see you. We're going to Daytona Beach for the week.

And we should have been there three fucking hours ago, so let's go, bitches!

Holy shit. What?

Nothing. You're just really gay.

Am I? Thanks, Captain Gaydar.

Jesus! You know, I'm also black, right? Yeah, I know. That's funny too.

So you guys wanna tag along for a bit maybe? Party some babies into us?

Absolutely not! Absolutely not!

Why? We have a very important tee time.

Of course you do. And do you also take a nap before you play Mahjong?

No, it's shuffleboard. And then early dinner at 4:00.

We have a long-standing bet. Who's the better golfer.

Obviously I've got the bigger 3-wood.

Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.

Holy shit! Okay, we're going inside now. Let's go.

Bye, Professor. Thanks for lunch.

Peace!

Nice girl. Yeah.

Well?

How do I look?

Like the keynote speaker at a buttfucking convention.

What? What?

We're gonna write in the first hole, it's an easy par-4.

No, no, no, no. Hey... Jump in.

This is against the rules, Grandpa. Fuck the rules. Jump in. Come on.

Not to mention, a breach in golf etiquette.

Out of my way, buttfuckers! Really? What are you doing?

We gotta get this guy to his buttfucking convention.

What are you trying to do, man?

Hey. Now there's a million-dollar swing!

I'm sorry! You can go in front of us if you want to. We are not very good.

No, it's a good cut, you're just not bending your knees enough.

I'm a licensed golf pro. You mind if I show you?

Yes, please.

Maybe bend over a little bit... Here. That feels about right, doesn't it?

Hands on my shaft... the shaft.

Let me just get my finger in there. One, two, three...

Oh, my God! Did you see that? Yeah.

Thank you! How long have you been teaching golf?

Ever since I retired from being an astronaut.

It's nice to see some heavenly bodies around here too.

Hey, Grandpa, don't you think we should probably start golfing soon...

What the fuck? Wanna be a lamb and get that for me?

Did he just call you "Grandpa"? Who, Pepe? He's a retard.

Got it pretty bad, too. He thinks I'm his grandpa.

He usually sits at home just drawing dolphins all day.

We used to let him out on his own, but the raping got so bad that we just...

Got it. You guys want a refill?

Absolutely! BRB!

I'm sorry about my grandpa. He's... he's not doing too well.

My grandma just passed and the funeral was yesterday.

I'm actually a lawyer, not a retard.

I handle of lot of important issues. SEC compliance...

LLC agreements. LP agreements. That sort of stuff.

Yeah, well, I think we're gonna get going.

Nice to meet you, Pepe. Nice...

Fuck!

What happened? Why are they going? What did you do?

What? I told them the truth. I told them that I'm getting married next week, and that you're not well because your wife just died.

What are you, fucking vagina repellent? Those cougars wanted to party!

They wanted to party? Yes!

Do you hear yourself? Grandpa, are you kidding me right now?

I'm trying to listen to myself. Grandma's funeral was yesterday!

Now you wanna hit on college girls? You're jerking off to porn?

Jason, I want to fuck! What's wrong with you? Oh, my God...

For the first time in 40 years I'm single and I want to fuck.

I want to fuck until my dick falls off. I want to fuck a horse and I wanna drink its blood! I'm gonna throw up.

I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years, even through the menopause, even through the cancer.

She was the love of my life. I'll miss her every goddamn day.

But she told me on her deathbed, "You get back out there again."

I haven't had sex in 15 years, Jason, and I want to fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

So that's what this is all about? This whole thing. You didn't want to be with me.

You wanted me to drive you down to Boca so I could be your fucking wingman?

Obviously I made a bad decision because you're nothing but a cock-blocking machine.

I don't know what you are. You're like the Israeli Iron Dome defense system, but with vaginas instead of missiles. What?

You're like some sort of Cock-blocking Terminator sent back from the future to cock-block humans.

The robots should have sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could have cock-blocked John Connor's parents and he would never have been born!

Shut up, Grandpa! Shut up! What got into you?

I remember you in high school, you were ripping people's dicks off on the football field, talking about traveling the world!

Now you're pushing some papers at a fucking law firm and probably peeing sitting down.

Grandpa, I don't know what you thought this weekend was going to be about, but I came here for one reason, to get you to Boca. That's it.

Fine. Now can I please play some golf?

Fucking golf. Okay.

Cocky McBlockerson.

What the fuck?

Who does your taxes? H&R Cock-block?

Stop it.

Are you still Jenny from the cock-block?

What the fuck! What is your obsession with my ass?

Your vibrator's on.

You can't get into it anyway because you don't know my code.

Looks like your grandpa remembered your birthday!

What? Give me that! We're going to fucking Daytona.

We're not going to Daytona, because I've got the keys to the golf cart.

What are you doing?

Hey. How'd you do that?

Coming or staying, Jack Dicklaus? Grandpa?

Hurry up, Bubba Twatson. Grandpa, stop.

Gary Player-with-my-balls. Stop the cart!

Fred Couples-of-big-dicks-in-your-ass. Oh, my God. Grandpa!

Michelle Wies-all-over-my-face. Stop!


Now, this is what I'm fucking talking about.

This is so fucked up.

Calm down, you'll get to hang out with that gypsy girl you like.

I don't like her. Yes, you do.

That's why you didn't deny being a photographer for Time magazine.

You can hang out with her, I can have vaginal sex with Lenore.

It all works out! We can even go visit my old army buddy, Stinky.

Stinky?

Which tiki bar are they in?

Shit. Shit. Shit. What's that?

It's Meredith. Please, I've got to answer that.

Tell her to fuck off. Grandpa!

I'm just gonna check the testosterone levels on your phone first.

Grandpa, give me my phone now! Just as I thought. Pretty low.

This is Meredith calling... Shit!

Now, look what you did, you dropped it in the car's vagina.

Goddamn it, I have to put it on speaker. Don't say anything.

I will not say a word.

Ballbags! Hey! Who was that?

No one. We're in a restaurant. Sorry. "Who's that?"

What's up? Okay.

Well, I really want them to post our wedding announcement on the New York Times website before our rehearsal brunch Friday, so I just wanted to run your section back to you.

You know, now's really not a good time... Jason? Can we just do this please?

"Can we do this now?"

"Jason Richard Kelly, son of..."

"Doctor Smegma Von BoxMunchers."

"David and Brooke, is a junior associate at the law firm of..."

"Cream pie fart and donkey punch!" Okay, who is that?

It's no one. It's a waiter with pretty bad Tourette's, I think...

He just keeps walking by yelling weird shit, I don't know why...

Okay, well, what restaurant are you at? I can barely even hear you now.

We're at Chuck E. Cheese's...

Daytona fucking Beach!

Daytona fucking Beach! You're right, buddy!

You're in Daytona Beach?

Listen, we're just driving through Daytona Beach. We're en route to Grandpa's...

Jason!

I don't know why you're there, but you'd better call me from your grandfather's house when you get there tonight, okay?

Of course, baby. I love you so much...

Fuck! Marriage is hard.

What'd the hot college girls text back?

Grandpa, what are you texting them? I just texted them.

What are you texting them? "We'll meet you on the beach."

Yeah, and I added the emoji with the wink and the tongue out.

I'm not kidding, Grandpa. You realize that if I don't call her from your house in Boca tonight, I'm fucked, man, I'm fucked.

Jesus. Sounds like you're marrying your fucking parole officer.

It's just Meredith. It's the way she is, man.

She just gets, like, anxious when she doesn't know exactly where I am.

Don't panic. It's organic.

Yeah, I know. Couples get in fights all the time. But it's different with Meredith.

She takes it to another level, man, and I'm telling you, if I don't call her from your house in Boca, I'm screwed.

Ain't nobody got time for that. Yeah, I know. Clearly.

Which is why I don't understand how we got so far off schedule.

Sometimes life is just a fart zone, and you enter at your own risk.

Have you been reading shit off the shot glasses and the shirts in here and just saying it like it's wisdom?

I was seriously trying to talk to you, man. Do you realize the stakes here?

You're ridiculous! Smile.

You've had a phone this entire fucking time?

What else don't I know about you? How the hell do you know how to speak Arabic?

Dad's never said anything about that.

That's because your dad doesn't really know much about me.

I was away with the army during most of his childhood. So we were never that close.

Is that why he doesn't like you?

Anybody work here?

Okay, everybody on the fucking floor! Get down!

This is a goddamn robbery! On the fucking ground!

Oh, my God, you should see your faces!

I just left to grab lunch and a new horse mask.

I left mine at the beach the other day.

I thought you were gonna shit your pants, little guy.

Gun's real though.

What the fuck, man! Relax, this is Florida.

Everything's a licensed gun range. You just shot through a wall, man!

Hey... There's pedestrians outside!

Yeah, again, it's Florida! These people don't matter.

What? So? Welcome to Tam Pam Surf Slam.

What can I do for you gentlemen? I'm Pam. You're Pam?

Yeah. It's a nickname. Real name's Pamela.

Hey, no, guys! Absolutely not!

I will not ever sell you drugs out of this establishment!

We didn't ask you to sell us drugs. Okay, cool. You're not cops.

In which case... welcome to drugs! Oh, my God.

Now, I'm pretty cool, so I only sell the stuff that occurs naturally.

So I got weed, I got mushrooms, I got meth. I got...

Meth? Yeah.

How is that natural? Well, it occurs naturally in my cousin's basement in Baltimore, if you know what I mean.

Okay, fine.

Drugs aren't your thing, got it. Message received.

In which case, listen, we got a great local charity here. Pam's Kidz.

What's Pam's Kidz? That's my kids.

I got four kids by six different women. I know, the numbers don't add up.

Most of them are pretty developmentally disabled.

One of them you gotta push around in a wheelchair.

Hey-o! Now that is the generosity of the human spirit and I appreciate that.

Now some of this money is gonna feed my kids, some of it is gonna get me a blowjob by a toothless whore behind the dumpster down at the McDonalds.


Hey. Hey.

Hi, Professor.

Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.

Thank you. I was actually talking to him.

Yup! Immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.

Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back.

So we got the Professor, you got the millionaire.

How's the rest of the Gilligan's Island cast?

We're good. Yeah, everyone's good. Yeah?

Well, that's good. Copacetic on the island.

How are those washed-out pictures you're taking because you still have the lighting optimizer on?

Where is that? Actually, it's... really hypersensitive on the new 60D model. So you have to...

Wait. What is that? Okay, nope.

What are you doing? Give it back, Malibu Ken.

No. What?

You did it. You turned into one of those people.

I turned into one of those people that gives a shit about something?

Are you gonna chain yourself to a polar bear?

Only if you let me borrow... What is this, a beach sweater?

Yeah. What, did you just come from skiing?

Yeah, I skied in, just to see you save the world.

One Jell-O shot at a time.

High-five!

You want me to do your back? Only if you promise to do my front first.

Gladly.

That never usually happens.

Really? It happens to me all the time.

Guess who just took a shit in the water?

We've been looking for you bitches all day. Where the fuck have you been?

Our car broke down in Orlando. Do you ever look at your cell phone?

Awesome. Who are these cunt punches?

These are our friends that we met on the way down.

Yeah. That's Cody and Brah.

They're on the lacrosse team at Florida.

This guy plays lacrosse? All-conference, brah!

Yeah? Which one, the fucking Diabetes Conference?

We're about to boat race a bunch of those fucks from the University of Georgia up in the room. So...

Oh, my God! University of Georgia!

No way! You're a Hornet? Afraid so.

Well, you guys should get in there then, Edward Jizzumhands.

Well, thank you. We will.

Good, that's great. I'll see you up there.

Good. Well, you say we'll be there and on time.

Sweet. I will. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

No, we should. Let's do it now.

Yeah, I'll see you up there. Come to the hotel. By the pool.

Georgia sucks!

Can we please just go? They've got boyfriends.

Those meatdick fucks? They're not their boyfriends.

They're just seniors, and they're all just terrified and speed-fucking each other before the ship goes down. Didn't you ever go on Spring Break?

No, I didn't go to Spring Break, 'cause I was studying for law school.

Besides, I can't chug alcohol anymore like I used to, Grandpa.

I've developed, like, a gag reflex.

A gag reflex? Yeah.

You're chugging a beer, not taking down a horse cock, Jason.

Come on.

Go Hornets! Go Hornets, yeah.

You know, one in three of these girls has herpes. Even if you can't see it.

Jesus. Nut the fuck up. It's just a college party, you nance. Chill!

Hey, here they are.

I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes?

You want some of that drank? Some of that purple drank?

Some of that purple-ass muthafuckin' pimp-dick drank?

Who the fuck are you?

It's a pretty rockin' party.

Who let the dogs out? Am I right?

Sir, before we start, would you prefer if we gave you a spritzer to chug?

Maybe a Pinot Noir?

You're going down, old man. Nobody chugs like me.

I bet. You've been chugging Brah's cum for years.

Let's go.

Chug! Chug...

Go! Go! Chug!


It's actually kind of fun.

Yeah.

I'm not really, you know, for sure, per say... what we're doing after graduation.

I mean, we have offers to play... Blah, blah, blah...

...professional lacrosse in Europe, but...

Words, words, words... ...a bunch of agents also want us to start modeling, so...

And again, we're talking about this fat fuck right here?

You guys... you have to come see this right now.

All right, our team won!

Let's celebrate by buying local drugs from a reputable, local drug dealer.

Hey, what are you doing here?

I'm selling drugs, man. I'm trying to put my kid through preschool.

How honest is that! Touching my face a lot, bro.

Touching my face a whole lot. Why don't you take some of this. This'll mellow you out.

What is it? E-cig, bro.

"E" is for "Weed"! Sure, why not?

Yeah, that's a big... that's a big one.

Just be glad you didn't smoke this, man. This is crack!

What? Yeah!

This one... wait a minute...

Maybe that one's crack and this one's weed.

Hang on. What'd you do now, Pam?

Fuck. Hold on. Which one's crack?

Okay. I got this. Don't freak out.

Sorry to worry you, man. You're not gonna believe this.

They're both crack. What?

And you have taken an amount that will probably kill you in about 30 minutes.

I just smoked crack? Yeah. But just, like, a lot.

I just smoked crack.

I just smoked crack!

USA! USA! USA! USA!

Told you.

He's fine. He's just a little drunk.

Everybody loves crack!

Bee loves crack. Bee loves some crack.

We should probably go help him.

Sting? You're stung!

Shit, I just found my queen.

Okay, let's help him.

Excuse me. Jason!

Hey, Jason. Jason.

Jason. Jason.

I'm gonna live forever!

Party on!

Shit!

One, two, three...

Hello? Where the fuck have you been?

We got to Grandpa's a little bit later than we thought last night, and... and my phone charger wasn't working.

You know we missed the deadline for our wedding announcement to be in the Times.

Where are you? Are you close?

Listen, Grandpa got really upset last night.

So I'm just getting a little bit of a late jump here.

I want to show you the bouquets for the bridesmaids. So switch to FaceTime, okay?

Shit! Baby, the reception at Grandpa's isn't very good...

Jason, just fucking do it! Okay, one second. Switching over.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Is that sand on your face?

It's just sawdust because I was helping Grandpa in the garage, so...

I naturally got the dust of the saw on the face.

Hi, honey. Jason.

Mom? Dad?

Is that writing on your face?

I was working on my vows late last night and...

I fell asleep and I got some pen on my face, so...

Yeah, that must be the exact thing that happened.

Yeah, Meredith called us because she hadn't heard from you all night.

We got the rabbi here to work on the vows.

Boker tov, Jason. Hey. Shalom.

No, Jason, really... What is on your forehead?

It's a swastika of penises.

What? No, that's not what it is.

Acting as a pinwheel of ejaculate...

No, no, no, it's a FaceTime effect.

All the kids are using them these days. There's a Hanukkah one. See?

I don't like that one as much as the swastika full of dicks.

Okay, let's discuss the wedding vows.

Jason, why don't you begin by telling us all what it is you like about Meredith.

Yeah, where do I start? She's...

Hello.

Hello, buzzy bee. What?

If you can't think of anything, lean into them looks, dawg.

Can I touch buzzy bee?

I've loved her for... No, you can't touch buzzy bee!

I love the way that she...

What are you doing? Stop it! Go away!

You're getting me in... Go away! Your buzzy bee looks so fluffy!

What did he say? I just don't know where to start.

Let me touch buzzy bee! You can't have the bee!

What? I want to stroke the bee!

You can't stroke the bee! Okay? I want to kiss buzzy bee!

You can't kiss the bee!

I love the way that she kisses.

Kid! Oh, my God. Hey!

Hey! Fucking pervert! I got to go right now. I'm sorry.

I love you. Bye! No, no, no! Jason! Jason!

Come on. I told you to stay with us.

He let me stroke it.

Hold on! He's talking about a pee... A bee. A little stuffed bee.

What bee? There was a bee here, man!

It was so soft. He let me kiss it. No, I did not let you kiss it!

What are you talking about? He did not... You're fucking dead!

Dad, that was cool!

Shit!


May I have some pants? Please...

Oh, Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry. Of course.

Yeah, absolutely.

You want khakis or sweatpants?

Khakis, please. What brand? You like Docker's?

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah? Okay.

All right. You're like a 30...

Yes, 30 is fine.

What I wouldn't give to fit in a 30. Maybe 20 years ago, you know.

When I was seven years old.

Yeah. All right.

Also, I'm going to step out and get some lunch. Do you want a sandwich?

I would love a sandwich. Ham? Turkey?

Turkey? Turkey.

That's so funny, because I'm a turkey guy myself, you know.

Thank you so much. Okay. Absolutely want mayo on that?

No, thank you, no. Extra veggies. Okay. Extra veggies?

Yes, please. You got it. Absolutely...

Salt and vinegar. You want salt and vinegar as well?

Yeah, thank you. You gotta watch that sodium.

Because that's what drives your blood pressure up. Bood pressure is a silent killer.

Turkey. Okay. All right.

Yeah. And, finally, do you want to be sodomized by a man with the mental age of seven who calls himself "Ping-pong", or do you want to be shivved by the... same guy?

Just let me know what time works out for you, 'cause you're in fucking jail.

All right. Gary, I'm all done. It's late. I gotta go open the store, buddy.

I know, but you tried to sell peyote to middle schoolers.

What? Come on, it's me. Pam.

Don't be a dick. Come on! I just had watery diarrhea. I wanna get out of here.

It stinks! It does stink.

All right, let's get you out of there. All right.

I don't like being in a cage. Wait, you're letting him out?

He's the one that sold drugs. Why are you letting him out?

Hey, man! Not cool! That's a real dick move throwing me under the bus.

What the fuck are you talking about? You're the one that sold drugs last night.

Hey, guy. Snitches get stitches! All right.

So why don't you shut your fucking mouth, bro.

Snitches get stitches, my friend.

My name's Pam.

You are just incorrigible.

Hey. How are you, Finch? How you doing, hon?

Good to see you. Hey. Finchy. Jean Finch.

You got it. Most beautiful woman on the police force.

Jeez. The only woman...

Here's the deal. What's up?

I came in here with a bag of drugs. I'm not gonna lie to you.

I can't leave without it.

Can you guys hook me up there? Yeah.

Gary! Yeah. These yours?

Thanks, Gar-bear. Oh, nice catch.

Please remember next Tuesday is the election. Vote for me for mayor.

I'm gonna win this year. I'm gonna beat that goat.

Pam! Pam! My God. He is just a good one.

He is the number one... Lover and a fighter...

Okay, listen.

Guys, I really respect the job you guys do.

I'm being completely honest from the bottom of my heart, I look up to you. I fight for the law.

Thank you. No one ever says that to us. Ever.

That's what I wanted to do when I was a kid. I wanna do what you guys do.

Mostly people just call us pigs and throw bags of fast food at us.

I'm incredibly sorry for all this confusion, but listen to me, please, I have to... let you know I'm a lawyer. Wait, you're a lawyer?

Yeah, I'm actually a lawyer. You don't look like a lawyer.

Yeah, I handle, like, corporate stuff.

Like, like LLC agreements.

You lost me. I don't even know what that means.

I mean, you don't look Jewish. No.

If you think about it, it's actually pretty funny.

Like, ending up here on this side... It is. That is funny. It is so weird.

It's darkly ironic. It really is. Yes, exactly. Dark irony.

I thought you had to be, like, at least 80 to be a lawyer.

Like, it's a lot of school, right? Yeah.

It's a lot of school. The bar...

It's something I took and passed.

It's not something I stand behind.

Yeah. I'm not on this side, typically, and I just... I just...

I know my rights and I would love my phone call.

Objection. Overruled.

Permission to approach the bench. Denied!

What?

It's easy to be a lawyer. It's so easy.

I would love my phone call.

Okay? I know my rights. I want my phone call.

Give me my phone call. I should have a phone...

This is my First Amendment right.

First and foremost... Page one, number one... amendment says that I get my telephone.

This is my First Amendment right.

I don't think you understand that I'm guaranteed a phone call.

I don't sound like that. Yeah? What do you sound like then?

Not like that. I don't think I sound like that.

Give me my phone call.

Please, will you let me have my phone call? ...phone call.

I'm an American and I'm fucking guaranteed...

I'm an American. I am guaranteed a phone call.

Legally, it's my right to have a phone call.

I just said I'm an American and I'm guaranteed a phone call.

Well, now he's getting demanding. We better give him his phone call.

Better give him his phone call. Guys, come on. Come on, please.

Why are we doing this? This is your phone right here, right?

That is my phone. Yes. Well, you know what?

We get to make one phone call on your phone.

That's where you're just a little bit mixed up.

Yeah. Hopefully, you're not out of "framily" minutes.

No, no, no, no, no... We get a free Uber ride on that.

Take us out to lunch.

Hey, you know what? We're gonna be kind and set you up with a Tinder account too.

How about Grindr. What about... Look at this, look at this.

"Jefe", is that how you pronounce that? Yeah, how about Jefe?

Little alone time with Jefe?

He'd like some light conversation and heavy petting, flirting...

Flirtations. He looks thick and lonely.

You'll meet him at 8:00. You'll bring wine coolers. And...

Children's condoms.

Just gonna take a little picture. Snatch-chat.

Please don't do that with my phone. Hope you got a wide angle lens on that.

Kidding.

Somebody just posted his bail. Get that pervert some pants.

All right. These were a couple pair of pants from murder victims from a 1990s orgy gone bad.

We got semen-stained or blood-stained.

Take your pick. What's it gonna be?

Blood. Semen it is.

Hey, there he is. No.

Don't even fucking talk to me.

I know things got a little chaotic, but I'm so close with Lenore...

What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm about to get fucking married, Grandpa!

In one week! To a Jewish girl! And I just woke up in fucking jail with a bunch of penises on my forehead in the shape of a swastika!

Could call it a swasticock.

What? It's a play on words.

It's a play on words.

A play on words.

Play on these words.

I'm dropping you off at your old army vet buddy's house, he's gonna drive you to fucking Boca. Because I'm fucking done with you.

What the fuck are you looking at? I can't help staring at your tits.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You know, Stinky had more confirmed kills than anyone in our platoon back in 'Nam?

118. Shut the fuck up.

What is this place? I don't know. Or care.

At least just come in with me. Let's make sure it's the right house.

After you.

Grandson of the year.

Your grandmother's ashes are in there.

She's in a coffin. Fuck you!

Well, better late than never.

Yeah! Fuck them up, ALF!

Motherfucker!

Stinky?

What the fuck are you doing here, Dick?

This?

This is liver failure.

Who's the lesbian? That's my grandson, Jason.

Yeah? Is he here to scissor with me?

Okay, that's just offensive to lesbians.

I am very sorry, K.D. Lang.

Time for Bingo!

Come on. Stinky, we got to get you the fuck out of here. Come on, let's go.

I have one fucking month left, Dick!

I don't want you to remember me like this, man.

I want you to remember me as a warrior.

Please. Leave me be. But, Stinky...

No, no, no... just let me finish, Dick.

Leave me your beautiful lesbian grandson so he can blowjob me to death.

It's all over for me, Dick.

You know, all I wanna do is... play Bingo.

Go.

All ready?

Bingo!

I'm sorry about your friend, Grandpa.

So it comes to this.

Even before you die... you just stop living, and it's all one fucked-up facsimile of the real thing.

We have to go back.

Yeah. I know.

I'll drive us home. Not Atlanta. Daytona.

What? I have to fuck that girl, Jason.

Jesus, Grandpa! I do. I have to fuck her!

Grandpa, you're just depressed. You're confused right now because of Grandma.

Grandma wanted me to do this. What?

Yeah. She said when she died, she wanted me to move on and live my life the way I wanted to, and right now, you know what I want to do?

I want to get my dick sucked by that fucking college girl!

What is that going to do for you? Is that going to make you feel young again?

Yeah! Yeah, what's wrong with that? Yeah?

Feeling young again? What do I have? A dead wife, dying friends.

A few fucking good years left if I'm lucky.

And you know what? It fucking freaks me out!

Yeah.

Look, I don't expect you to understand. You're young.

You have a long, long time before you have to look into that abyss.

But the way I see it, having sex with that girl is my last stand.

And I can't do it without you. So I'm asking you.

Please, Jason, just stay one more day so I can do this.

Please.

Okay, Daytona Beach! Who's ready for a Flex Off!

I'm talking about dudes getting on stage, getting ripped!

Yeah!

Yes, I'll be home tomorrow. I promise.

And I know... I know the dinner is important to the firm...

Hold on, I'm getting another call. It might be Meredith. Okay? Bye.

Hello? Hey, it's me.

Someone just stuck their thumb up my ass. What?

Yeah, I was just standing right there, talking on the phone, and someone came right up behind me and stuck their thumb up my ass.

Did you see who it was... Jamba!

Fuck! Stop doing that! How'd it go on the home front?

How do you think? Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Top Gun in the house!

We got Maverick! We got Fat Goose!

Do we have a challenger? Right here! Right here!

These two! She wants to! These two.

Pick her! Who will accept this challenge?

You go up there, I'll let you do whatever you want to me tonight.

All right, I'm doing it. All right!

What?

No, no, no! Are you kidding me?

I saw your body last night, it's a lot better than Cody's.

And my body sure as shit looks better than that fucking Shamu's up there.

There's like 1,000 people out here! A lost old man has wandered on stage.

Are you his nurse? No. Fuck no.

Get on stage! Get on stage...

Do it for me!

So we have team Top Gun versus creepy old guy and his lesbian daughter.

Okay, Daytona Beach, are you ready to Flex Off?

Three! Two! One!

Flex!

Having trouble getting that coat off, Fat Goose?

Look at this guy!

He's like Mother Teresa's vagina!

Old and tight!

Hey, look, it's Cirque du So Gay!

What now?

Has the old man fallen? Or is it... What the fuck?

One-armed motherfucking push-ups! Holy shit!

Lesbian daughter's getting in on the action!

I happen to know he smoked crack last night!

These push-ups are fuelled by the devil's candy!

Unbelievable!

Your move, Dolly Parton.

What are you gonna do now, team Top Gun?

And, hey, everybody, don't forget to stop by Tam Pam Surf Slam in town where I'm selling "beach towels" for 50 bucks an ounce.

"Sun screen" for 10 bucks a dime bag.

And I'm also selling meth!

Just got married!

Your move, Viagra Falls. Crowd going wild for team Top Gun!

Grandpa, I got this. Watch.

Most muscular, on three. One, two, three.

I think this guy just sharted!

No, I didn't! Yes!

Call a lifeguard, I think there's been a shart attack!

I'm not even holding the mic right now.

You suck!

I have an idea. Do you remember that thing we used to do when I was a kid?

Yeah.

One, two, three... Hold on, what's this?

What is going on? Oh, my God, what am I seeing?

Am I on drugs? Of course I am!

But this is still incredible! Flex Off history is being made!

What's up now, Brah? Yeah, what's up now, Brah?

Yeah, what's up now, Brah? 'Sup now, Brah? 'Sup now, Brah...

This is incredible! Take out your cameras!

Put this online! This shit is going viral!

Shit. Let me down.

Did everybody get a picture of that?

What the fuck are you doing? I can't do this...

What? God...

The winners Of the Alpha Delta Flex Off... Wait a minute! Where are you going?

Guys? Where are you going?

Jason! You can't just leave me here like this.

Why'd you stop? We were winning! Because I'm a lawyer!

I can't have people taking pictures of me doing stuff like this.

Can you imagine if the firm saw something like that?

By default, the winner of the Flex Off is...

Bring the cup home, baby! ...these two dildos.

Every single day, my career's in jeop... What are you doing?

I'm taking the regulator off in the pneumatic propulsion system.

Give me a beer. What did you really do for the army?

I told you, I was a mechanic. Bullshit.

You speak Arabic. You hotwired a golf cart.

Tell me the truth. All right, I was Special Forces.

I trained insurgents behind enemy lines from Vietnam to Iraq.

Now give me the fucking beer can! Come on!

Look at this dummy! What an idiot!

Yeah! Do it again!

We can change in Cody's room. I picked his pocket earlier.

Nothing to see here, guys. Cops are gonna come pretty quick.

No, no, this is his father, so that's what I'm saying.

Keep him heavily sedated, but don't be afraid to pull the plug if you have to.

Thank you, Doctor.

Okay. They're in the hospital till tomorrow.

The room's ours for the night.

Look at these fucking people. How was brunch at Hitler's house that day?

Hey, Grandpa, who else in our family knows that you were Special Forces or whatever?

No one, once your grandmother passed.

Your father stopped talking to me before my missions were declassified.

So he always thought I was just an army mechanic.

But don't you think that you guys would get along a little better if you told him?

Hey, come on. Let's see how you look. Come on out.

First of all, nobody wears a fucking white belt.

The only people who wear white belts are people who suck at karate and people who suck at life. Take the fucking belt off.

And you better lose that fucking white polo shirt and those pleated khaki pants.

You're meeting up with girls, not blowing an oil executive on a fucking golf course.

Put these on.

Well, in case you forgot, I don't even have underwear, from last night.

All right, just put them on. I'll turn around.

Nice dick. Jeez, Grandpa.

That's a good dick. You got your grandpa's dick.

Not the girth, not the length, but same style.

That's good to know. You're lucky you're not your dad.

He's got his mom's dick. What the fuck?

Now put your pants on.

Shit. It's Meredith. Don't answer it.

My rehearsal brunch is this weekend. No calls.

For one night, stop worrying about your wedding. Please.

We have two hot, smart, beautiful college girls at the peak of their sexual powers about to meet us at one of the last great nightclubs in Florida.

Worry about them.

Okay.

I don't think you're very popular here, Grandpa.

You're the one that's going to have to watch out.

You might get Oreo'd.

Oreo'd?

That's when two black guys fuck a white guy. You're the cream in the middle.

Game on.

Hey! Glad you guys made it. Let's go get fucked up. Right?

My stepdad hates me!

Let's go!

Party till you're pregnant!

Oh, my God, I love this song!

You're not gonna die on me, are you? I don't think so.

All right!

Come on. No. No.


You want it? Come here, give me that hat!

Oh, my God.

Give me that! What is this? Hey! Hey, hey, hey.

Leave my illegitimate black son alone.

We were just asking him to dance.

Well, he don't wanna dance. Well, maybe you wanna dance instead.

I don't wanna dance... Colonel Sanders!

It's all right. It's all right. Let's not dirty this place up.

It's a shrine. Sinatra sang here. Parking lot?

It'll be fine.

How is this going to be fine? Look at this crew.

Come on. We have a good crew too.

We have no crew.

We have no crew.

Are we going to J.Crew? Fuck J.Crew.

Don't do this. I think...

I'm going to have to fight them all, so you're going to have to take the first punch.

What? Okay! He's up first.

Whatever.

You like that shit, white boy? Dude, what the fuck is wrong with you?

What? You want next, bitch? Hey...

I thought I had next.

Tell him you're sorry you made fun of him for being gay.

I'm sorry I made fun of you for being gay!

Tell him you were raised in a different era, but now you know it's wrong to judge people based on their sexual orientation and that if you had to be gay with someone for some reason, you know, to prevent a terrorist attack or something, it would be with him.

What?

Say it.

If I had to be gay with somebody to prevent a terrorist attack, it would be you!

Apology accepted.

Okay.

Get out of here before I use my other arm.

This ain't over.

Now fuck off and take Jodeci with you.

Let's roll.

It's too bad Lenore barfed all over herself tonight.

I definitely could have had sex with her.

Yup.

I probably could have still had sex if she just threw up on her front, but she somehow got it all over her back, and I would have felt bad.

Well, chivalry isn't dead.

I like the way you took that haymaker tonight.

Sometimes you just gotta take that punch up front, you know?

Then things get easier in the long run.

"De Oppresso Liber." It's written on your knife too. What does that mean?

Hey, lights out after 12:00, boys.

I better not catch you swimming across the lake to the girls' camp, okay?

Night. Good night.

You know, maybe I'll find something to do with Shadia tomorrow and give you and Lenore a little more alone time.

I kind of feel like we're just getting in your way.

Yeah?

I'm sure there's something... What the fuck? Did you just get naked?

It's the best way to sleep. Oh, my God!

I picked it up in Uganda from the Umbatdo.

Umbat-don't let your junk touch my leg again or you're sleeping on the floor.

Night.

Night.

Jason...

The fuck! Oh, my God!

What do these guys want to cut all the trees down for anyway?

For some stupid, like, massive, tacky entertainment complex.

You know, the ones with, like, arcades and laser tag. That sort of thing.

Laser tag? Yeah.

I love laser tag. When does it open? Nice. Thanks a lot.

Shadia! Hi, Griz.

Oh, my God, your pics from the Boston rally look amazing!

Thank you. Yeah. Absolutely.

Sweet Hacky Sack, man.

It's not a Hacky Sack, dawg. That's the trade name.

It's an organic hemp-seed foot satchel.

And what's someone from the fucking laser tag lobby doing here?

No, I'm just a friend of Shadia's. Just my friend.

That's pretty cool, man. What is that, a dance ball?

Fuck! What the fuck?

You're fucking kidding me. It's like a... What the fuck!

It's a 4-inch acrylic juggling orb! Dick.

I'll see you guys next weekend.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah? Okay. Bye. Bye.

Hey, Griz...

Don't touch that, it's from Laser Tag. Sorry.

They're good people. I swear. Let me see that.

Where are you going with these "good people"?

We're heading out to the coast to... charter a boat for the year.

For the year? Yeah.

To do what?

We're documenting the effects of climate change out on the ocean.

Aren't you supposed to graduate next weekend?

Yeah.

Seems to me like you're running from something.

Come on, haven't you had to make sacrifices to get where you are as a photographer?

I mean, yeah, but...

That's different.

Look at this.

I hate photos of myself.

Why? You look beautiful.

See?

Hey.

Wait, just calm down.

What? Shit. Yeah, we'll be right there.

What's going on? We gotta go.

And then I came back from the bathroom and all those black guys from the club were, like, standing around Lenore and Dr. Richards and they were yelling at them and threatening them and they, like, kidnapped them!

And I think one of them had a gun! Did you see where they took them?

No. Those guys are staying at The Tillman. That's all I know.

Okay. Come on!

Come on! Shit!

What?

I smell marijuana.

What are you going to do with a bucket? I don't know!

Okay, on three. Ready?

One, two, three!

Okay, let me try one more time.

The GZA, the RZA...

Ol' Dirty Bastard. What's going on?

Gang stuff. Raekwon the Chef!

And the Method Man!

Hey! Here they are! How was the protest?

It was good. Yeah, it was good.

This is Lamar, Lil' Chris, Big Chris, Murray Finkelstein.

And, of course, you've already met Ty-rizone.

That nigga's crazy, man.

What's with the N-word, anyway? I can say it. I can't say it...

You can say it when we let you say it. Which is never.

Just never say that under any circumstances.

What the fuck is going on? I thought these guys wanted to kill you!

Lebanese Red.

I had some of this left over from my time in the Middle East.

You throw some of this shit around, you can really get away with anything. Have some.

You're smoking grass now? Jesus, this is a gateway drug, Grandpa.

Yeah, well, you just opened the gateway to being a pussy.

Take some. Yo, D. Let's fucking bounce!

Let's fucking bounce! Where?

And everything is alright I got a beep from Kim, and she can fuck all night Called up the homies and I'm askin y'all Which park are y'all playin basketball?

Get me on the court and I'm trouble Last week fucked around and got a triple double Can I say it? Can I say it? No! No, no.

Say it! Say that shit!

Freakin' niggaz everyway like M.J.

I can't believe, today was a good day I'm totally gonna fuck him tonight.

Can I watch? 'Cause I kind of want to fuck him too now.

Drop the mic, baby! Drop the mic, baby! That's what I'm talking about!

Peace out, niggas! I see you, boy.

Nasty!

Up next we have...

Shadia and Jason! Yep, that's us now.

What? No. No, no, no, no.

No. Come on.

We can't top that. I don't want to do this.

You know the song. You know every word. See?

You're going to make me do it all alone?

Fine.

Hey.

For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful, baby You're the one who held me up And never let me fall, yeah You're the one who saw me through Through it all You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'cause you believed I'm everything I am

Damn! Because you loved me

Who are you?

I'm just saying, who sings that well and isn't a professional singer?

You're so good at singing you actually suck!

You guys want to come up for a nightcap? Yeah, well...

See if shit gets real?

Well, young Michael Buble and I are gonna have a stogie by the pool, so...

See you up there? Yeah.

I want you to know how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Jason.

The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies.

Yeah, well, most grandpas just want... toffee.

What's the matter?

I think I'm gonna call off my wedding.

Well... when you get married, it's for a long fucking time. And it's hard.

So it damn well better be with a woman who keeps things interesting.

You know, your grandmother, she tried to grow her own pot plant once?

Really? Yeah, she just... wanted to see if she could do it.

She was always surprising me like that.

We also tried anal once every five years.

Sweet.

I miss having someone to share everything with.

It's not fair to just keep Shadia in the dark like this.

Since we started this, it's just been one big lie.

She has no idea who I am.

I have to tell her the truth.

Well, maybe telling her tonight is a little abrupt.

The most important part of a relationship is trust.

That's right. And I'm going to start now.

Or you can just wait till I have sex with Lenore tonight, then you can tell Shadia everything.

No. I'm just lying. Jason, I'm your grandfather!

You wait till I fuck that college girl! I'm telling her now.

Jason. Jason! Jason!

Jason! Jason!

'Sup, brah?

Back off, D cups! Well, if it isn't the "Professor."

You know, it's amazing what you can find with a name and Google these days.

You're not a real professor?

Oh, my God! You lied to us. How could you.

Wait, wait, wait, this is the best part. This is the best part.

Richard "Dick" Kelly, Lieutenant Colonel in the United States Army, also known as the American Gladiator "Nitro."

What the fuck did you Google? Okay, well... there's another best part then.

"Jason Patrick Kelly will wed Meredith Miriam Goldstein

"at Jericho Temple on Saturday, March 27th."

Wait, that's... next Saturday.

Wait, you're grandfather and grandson?

Oh, my God! That is so fucked up.

That is so hot. I mean, that is so fucked up.

So...

Are you getting married next weekend?

I was. I was getting married... but then I met you, and now I don't... Oh, my God! No. Don't pull that shit.

I feel fucking stupid enough as it is.

So you're not a professor? Are you even a photographer?

I'm a lawyer.

I handle SEC compliance.

LLC agreements.

I came up here to... Get the fuck out, Jason. Seriously.

Can I have a second to explain? No!

Hold up, hold up. Not so fast, "Professor."

For what's it worth, I still really want to fuck you.

And we're going to fuck. Yeah, we are.

We're going to thunder fuck. You're gonna tsunami on my face!

You're gonna flood like the Nile.

Yeah. I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.

The villagers will finally eat.

You're gonna die while you're eating me out. I want your last breath to be in my pussy.

Lenore! You're such a slut. Police!

That's right. Po-po in the ho-ho. Some kind of ganja party?

Sorry to harsh your mellows. Where's my e-vite?

Is that the jacket? Check the right coat pocket.

Turn around. Come on. That's my jacket. That's not his jacket.

Up against the palm. There you go. Let's have a look. What've you got in here?

Bingo-bango. OMG.

What the fuck? That's not mine! "What the fuck?"

That's not mine! The fuck?

Well, it looks like Spring Break is finally drug free!

Come on, let's go. Let's go, pretty boy.

Shall we? No, it doesn't go down that way. Let's go.

I'll wait for you, Grandpa. Keep that shit tight for me!

He's my Henry Miller.

What the fuck does that mean? Exactly!

Hey, there he is.

You got blood on your pants, you know. Your license isn't even suspended, is it?

You made all this up just so I'd come down here with you.

I had to make sure you'd come.

Fuck you! Just chill, Jason. Hakuna matata.

Who the fuck are you? I should have known you were fucking crazy the moment you started hitting on women the day after Grandma's funeral!

Don't you fucking judge me. You have no idea what I had with your grandmother.

And everything I've done these last few days I've done for a reason.

You were about to fuck up royally by getting married, and you fucking know it!

Yeah? What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

Chase around some college girl that doesn't even want to fucking talk to me?

Not know what the fuck I'm doing for the rest of my life?

Yeah, because at least you'd be thinking for yourself for a change.

What the fuck does that even mean? Your father has lorded over every decision you've made in your adult life, and Meredith is just the latest example of that!

She's not right for you, Jason.

If you marry her, you're going to be sleepwalking through the rest of your life and be completely unhappy, just like your father!

I am already unhappy with my life, because I've done nothing but get fucked by you and this insane fuck rampage that you've been on.

It wasn't a "fuck rampage" for me. It was a "fuck rampage" for you.

How? How is this for me? I fucked up as a father.

I wasn't there to raise your dad and he turned into a materialistic, henpecked, poop-dick country clubber.

I don't want that to happen to you. So that's what this was?

I was your last-ditch redemption project.

Congratulations, Grandpa. You thought you were a shitty father?

Now you're a shitty grandfather.

I don't want to see you at my wedding.

Stay the fuck away from me.


So, do you like this size, or this size?

Hey, hon, the people at the venue said they don't have enough mint napkins, so which one do you like better?

The seafoam or the pistachio?

I'll get it.

What is it? It's... just another wedding present.

I hope it's that new big dipping spoon from Williams-Sonoma.

...and as a tribute to Meredith and Jason and the love that you guys share.

A love I will never know because my dog died the first day I masturbated.

So now I can't get hard unless... Okay.

Also, we've got to stop ISIS. It's gotten... it's too much.

Got it. Got it.

You know, today's celebration is... much more than just about the union of two people, it's also about the union of two families. Meredith...

The Kellys and the Goldsteins.

Let's have Jason and Meredith tell their own story.

Nice job, Uncle Dave!


Let's go in for the kill.

You've been hacked.


Because you loved me.

What the fuck?

That is not Martha's Vineyard.

Jason!

Take it off! Trying, dear. Trying.

Leave them on. Shut it down.

I have something to say.

I think I've been listening to everybody else about what I should be doing with my life.

My grandpa said something really interesting.

All right, cut the mics. I'm going up.

...take that punch, that point forward, things get easier.

The mic's off. Jason, your mic cut out.

What?

Your mic cut out at the most inopportune time, so we can't hear why you want to leave those images up.

Hitting it won't work. If they caught it from the PA... Band?

What the fuck?

Nick, can you tell her something for me?

Can you tell her that...

I'm really sorry, but I can't marry her.

You think that message should come from me? Okay.

Uncle Ramon, can you tell Meredith that Jason's sorry, but... that they can't get married?

Fuck!

I forgot Uncle Ramon was deaf and I talked to him like a normal.

Uncle Ruben, can you please tell Meredith that Jason is really sorry, but that he can't marry her?

He says he's very sorry, but he can't marry you.

Uncle Ruben, can you turn that thing up a little?

It doesn't get any louder.

Where'd you get that thing, SkyMall?

At this point, I'm kind of nervous that anybody I pick will have a disability.

Okay. Waiter... hey, Pubes.

Can you please go tell Meredith that my cousin Jason is very sorry, but they cannot get married?

Come on, man. It's my first day...

I know it's your first day, but everybody needs you to be a man here.

Okay.

Just real quick... he sent me... he wants me to tell you that...

He doesn't think that he can marry you.

But that he's sorry that he can't.

She's laughing, so I think that you're in the clear, bro.

No, it's good. That was good. You can just go back and tell him... that I fucked his cousin Nick while he was gone.

She's so super cool about it.

She's like, "Go! Do your thing. Do you."

She said that? That's what she said, verbatim.

Wait. Should I come down and say bye? No. God! Fuck no!

No? Yeah. No need to even... let's not even...

You just... I've done it... we're great!

Wait, where the fuck is he going? Jason! Jason!

It's actually the guy on the moped with the iPad.

NSA stopped using utility vans years ago.

I figured once you sent the camera back, it was time to take drastic measures.

What'd he say? Are we doing this? Plan B, have Pam kidnap you.

I've got to get her back.

You want me to kidnap her? I'll bring her back to you in a box, bro.

She's on a bus headed west on I-85 across Florida.

Her boat leaves in four hours.

It was easy to track her down because of the whole Middle Eastern thing.

Bet you never thought you'd 69 a girl because of the Patriot Act.

You 69 her, man!

And then she's dead.

Are you kidding me, Pam? This is what you drive?

Yeah, it is so easy selling kids drugs from an ice cream truck. It's crazy!

Jason! Jason! Go, go, go, go!

Jason, stop! Stop right now. Stop! Stop!

If you leave right now, you can kiss your job at the firm goodbye!

David, will you get the fuck out of the way!

Hey, hey! Come on! What the hell!

Hey, guy, unless you want a Chipwich or some heroin, get off my ice cream truck!

Who the fuck is this slob? Slob? I am a small business owner!

I am the backbone of this country! I am holding a taser!

Shit! Dude, should I stop?

What are you...

I'm kind of in the middle of it right here. Shit!

Raise your hand if you've got a boner!

What were we supposed to do? Just leave him on the side of road?

Hey, man, can you slow down? You're making this very difficult.

What the fuck! That was you who drew all those dicks on me last week?

Yeah, I drew the dicks. Busted! Oh, my God! Shit!

Don't worry. Get up. We'll cut through the back roads. You navigate. I'll drive.

Watch out! Watch out!

What the hell is going on?

Got ourselves a bogey. All right, let's do this!

Fuck! We gotta lose some of this weight. Pam, throw some of this shit out of here!

Hey, look, it's Pam. He's the good kind of Greek.

Hey, Gene. Hey, Gary.

How the hell do you know how to drive like that, Dad?

Damn it, Grandpa. Just tell him!

I was a Green Beret in Special Forces. I taught insurgents behind enemy lines.

Mechanic was just my cover. Good! We're all made up!

There they are! That's them! Let's go, go, go!

Shadia! Jason?

Stop the bus! I need to talk to you!

What are you doing here in an ice cream truck? Stop the bus!

Okay! Pull over!

I'm not pulling over! Thanks a lot, Pam! You narc!

What! I'm not a narc, Barry! Fuck you!

Pam, you know him? Barry? Yeah, he's, like, my best friend.

I sold him, like, six tons of ecstasy...

That's why they're not stopping the bus. It's full of drugs.

Classic Pam.

I know them. Stop the bus!

Jason, where are you going?

What are you doing?

What are they...

You'd better marry that girl.

Me? Nah, she's not really my type. Too skinny.

What the fuck?

Slow down! Oh, my God! What are you doing?

Slow down, dude!

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go get her, man!

What is going on? What just happened? Hey.

I don't even fucking know, but I'm not getting married.

Okay, so that makes it okay that you were lying to me?

No. No, it doesn't. But you have to admit that when we were together it felt great.

There was something real there.

Yeah.

What do you want from me, Jason?

I want you to stay.

I just can't stay.

Okay. Okay.

No, I get it.

Yeah.

What if I come with you?

Come...

Really? I mean...

I just broke up with my fiancee, lost my job.

And I think I'm wanted by the police, so...

A year at sea... might actually be the best place for me.

Okay.

Break it up, lesbians! Let's go. Get down on the ground!

We're doing this because you're lesbians! Get down on the ground!

According to Interstate Statute 17.37, arrests made on the Interstate Highway System must be executed by state police, not your local law enforcement from your adjacent municipalities.

You seem, like, really familiar with the penal code.

You seem real cocksure about the juris-dick-tion you're in.

Real cocksure! Someone drew dicks all over your face, you idiot!

Well, look at that! You got dicks on your face.

That middle one's mine. Look it, this one right here.

I traced it. I thought I recognized that!

Enough catching up. Let my friends go. They've literally done nothing wrong.

Pam, we've got obstruction of justice here. We got reckless endangerment.

The bus is full of drugs, I get it. Speaking of which, I've got to get out of here.

I got three keys of "Frisbees" showing up at the store today, so...

I should go, question mark? Why don't you take my squad car.

That's a good idea. Give him your keys. You mean these keys?

There they are.

Classic Pam. Classic Pam.

What do you say we get some lunch? Love it.

See you fucks later.

So...

I'm gonna go with her.

Yeah, you should. She seems real nice.

You know, I think this is our only way back now, so I'm gonna try to get these cocks off of my face and get that truck started.

Just give me one sec. Yeah.

Grandpa... Thank you for...

Don't give me any of that shit. Just let me know when you get back.

And I actually want to see your photos in Time magazine.

This camera set me back three months of my army pension.

Thanks, Grandpa.

And, Jason...

Yeah?

Back in the '80s, when Andre the Giant used to go to the Playboy Mansion... he'd stack five playmates on top of each other on a bed and fingerfuck them all.

Five at a time. Because his hands were so big.

So...

That's it.

Thanks, Grandpa.

"De Oppresso Liber."

Motto of the Green Berets.

It means "to liberate the oppressed."

Hey. You ready? Yep.

I don't think he's gonna find anybody as good as me.

I'm sorry. But you know what they say...

"Tough times can sometimes lead to tougher people."

That's Kurt Vonnegut.

Yeah.

Holy fuckin' shit!

Has anyone ever told you that you have the pussy of English Sheepdog?

Well, thanks for the ride.

You gonna be okay, Dad?

I miss her.

But I'll be okay.

I was a shitty father and I'm sorry.

Well, we'll work on it.

You're a hard man to track down, Professor.

Are those my pants? Yeah, these are your pants.

I found a Werther's Original in the pocket and I've been sucking on it all morning.

You do know that I'm not a professor, right?

Yeah, I know. You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa, and I'm just a girl from Long Island City who likes to fuck old people.

I like your pull-out couch.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

That's the only thing that's gonna be pulling out tonight.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Look, I'm... I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this. I haven't done it for a long time.

I guess they just slipped off.

I want you to tear open my bra like it's a social security check.

Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.

"Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

No!

Now fumble around and pretend like you're trying to find your glasses.

"I'm trying to find my glasses. I can't see.

"I found them! I can see! I can see!"

Tell me it's 4:00 and you want to eat dinner.

"It's 4:00 and I want to eat dinner."

Tell me the buttons on your remote control are so small that you can't find Fox News.

"The buttons on my remote control are so small I can't find Fox News!"

Tell me how small they are! "They're real small!"

Tell me how this neighborhood used to be safer!

"This neighborhood used to be safer!"

Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower!

"Things were better under Eisenhower!"

We like Ike! We like Ike!

We like Ike! We like Ike!

We like Ike! We like Ike...

Are you cumming or dying? I'm not sure! Maybe both!

"...for as by a man came death.

"By a man has come also life."

Richard Kelly II.

Congratulations on the baby's new godparents, Jason and Shadia.

Congratulations!

Back to Mommy. All baptized.

You just keep surprising me, Grandpa.

New dad at 72.

Great fucking idea. Hey, watch your potty mouth!

Jesus, sorry... Yeah, clean up your language.

And show some respect for your new grandmother! I'm sorry, honey.

That's all right. And sweetie, would it kill you to visit us sometimes?

We never see you. Sorry, Nanna.

Did you get that card I sent for your birthday?

Yeah. Yeah, with the $12 check.

That was a very nice touch. Thank you. Thank you. That's right.

Hey, what are you, gaining some weight? You look a little heavy in the face.

No, what are you... Where'd this come from?

What? Where'd these guys come from?

You wanna go get the car? Yeah.

All right, I'll pull around the minivan. Go to Daddy.

There we go, come to Daddy. All right.

It's a little bit weird.

She's my grandma.

And you're my uncle.

Look at that. Holy shit!

It's a good dick. Oh, my God! Put that away.

It's our dick. Yeah.

I'm just relieved it's not his dick.

You want to get the bottle for me? Yeah.

Hey, Jason. You should check your diaper, bro. I think you just shit your pants.

And in church, too, in front of God.

I don't get why you're here.

Someone made a doodie in their yum-yum.

I'm just gonna put this out there once. I know your baby just got baptized, but I've got a guy in Tampa who will pay upwards of 60 grand for a healthy, white, male baby that can fight.

This is a good deal. You should take it.

I don't know this guy that well, but he seems extremely trustworthy.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You interested?

Classic Pam. Classic Pam.

Knock, knock. Who's there?

Classic Pam.

Guess it's never too late to start over, huh?

Yeah. Nice to have a second chance.

Maybe it won't take me so long to get the father thing right this time.

Right?

I'll go get his car seat.

Jamba!