Doctor at Sea (1955) Script

(Simon) A Rolls-Royce is the ambition of most newly qualified doctors, and, preferably, a Harley Street address. l was practising medicine in more humble circumstances, and neither my new diploma nor my old car had got me very far.

Thank you. Thats all right.

Always a pleasure to help a colleague. l was a junior assistant in general practice - the medical equivalent of a plumbers mate.

My partner thought l needed more experience. So did my patients.

He divided the work. l did the surgery, night calls and rounds and he looked after the social side.

Ah, Simon. Late, arent we? The Williams boys got tonsillitis. ltll clear up. Youll take surgery, wont you? l have a consultation. They need me urgently.

All right. Thank you.

(Simon) The doctor had a daughter. A healthy girl - Wendy.

Do you mind? (Simon) o.

Delicious, as always, dear. lts time you got married, my boy. Patients prefer married doctors.

They feel safer. Yes.

Theres plenty of time for that.

Do you mind if l go? The picture starts at 8:10.

Are you going to the pictures? Wendys going, too, arent you?

Why not go together? ld love to.

A pleasure.

How lovely. ow, be good.

The patients might feel safer, but l didnt - not with Wendy.

Oh, Simon. lts you. l heard a noise. l thought it might be burglars. Are you working?

Yes. Your father left a lot of forms to do. aughty Daddy. ever mind. lll help you. lts quite all right, Wendy. l can manage.

Oh! Have you got a headache?

Yes, l have, rather. l...lll rub your neck. ld much prefer you didnt. Oh, but lm good at this.

Where do you feel tense? All over. l wish you wouldnt.

Oh, Simon. l knew it was only shyness.

A-ha. A-ha!

An immediate operation was necessary.

Like many better men before me, l ran away to sea. l got a job as a ships doctor on the SS Lotus of the Fathom Line, but first of all, l had to find her.

Officer, can you tell me where the Lotus is berthed? umber 15, the Lotus. umber 15? ew to these docks? ew to any docks.

Oh, well, go straight on till you come to that light.

Turn left and carry on till you come to two lorries by the watchmans hut.

Turn right, up the steps, down the narrow path, past the first two ships and its the third - about two miles as the crow flies.

They say that worse things happen at sea but what could be worse than being landed with Wendy?

The Lotus had one great advantage - she carried no passengers and that meant no women.

The doctor. Come on in, Doc. lm Hornbeam, Mate of this tub. How do you do?

Found us all right? Mr Archer, Second Officer.

Mr Whimble, Chief Steward. Hes in charge of the booze.

Trail, our 3-0. Hello, Doc. What sent you to sea?

Wine, women or crime? Women, mostly.

Married? o.

Keep it that way. Wives and waves dont mix, old boy.

Oh, behind the chimney stack is Fellowes, our apprentice.

Seventeen on Sunday. ice to meet you. ice to have a young doc aboard.

They told you about the last one, Flowerday, l suppose? o, they didnt. o? Oh.

Oh, well, never mind. Are you just out of medical school? o, lve been in practice for two years.

Hope youre hot on sailors troubles. o different to anyone elses, are they?

Ahem. Would you like a cigarette? Thank you very much. l wonder if you know Sir Wallaby Glebe, the ophthalmic surgeon?

Er, no, lm afraid l dont.

Oh. l do, very well. Hes married to my cousin.

Oh, really? Whatll you drink, Doc?

Hadnt l better see the Captain? ot tonight.

Hes not the social type. Perhaps because he isnt married, either. either was his father! (Laughter)

(Ships horn sounds)

Good morning, Doctor. Easter. lm the Doctors Steward.

Oh, good morning. How do you do?

How do you do, Doctor? lve a message from Father.

Father? Yes, the Captain.

He wants a bottle of his usual stomach mixture, pronto.

He suffers from dyspepsia, does he?

Oh, something chronic. When he has a spasm, lifes not worth living.

Thank you very much. There we are, sir.

The only stuff that squares up his innards is the special mixture he got from the late Dr Flowerday.

Makes him bring up the wind, Doctor.

Dr Flowerday was my predecessor?

Oh, yes, sir. Yes. Very satisfied he was with me, if l might make so bold.

Easter, what happened to Dr Flowerday? lf you dont mind, sir, ld rather not talk about it.

Shocking. (Loud honking and creaking) lts them pipes, sir.

You are situated below the Captains...

(Gushing and gurgling)

The late Dr Flowerday and l kept all our stores in there.

Oh! (Laughs)

Do you play, Doctor? l could learn, l suppose.

Oh, the late Dr Flowerday was very keen on tennis racketing, very keen indeed. We seem to be very short of drugs.

Shouldnt there be an official stock or something?

The late Dr Flowerday and l had, er... an arrangement over the disposal of surplus stores.

You flogged them, you mean?

Spoon. Spoon.

Take a card, Doctor. Wait a minute.

Come on! ow look at it. Er...the, er...five of diamonds.

Yes. Card tricks are rather out of place in a ships hospital.

Kept Dr Flowerday in fits. Got narked when he couldnt work them out.

Well, how are they done?

Well, they was all five of diamonds, actually.

Oh. You certainly know your way around a pack of cards, Easter.

Oh, l should say so. Worked the halls for three years.

Pin Yung, l was. (Adopts accent) Famous Chinese magician!

Here, would you like to see my cuttings? o, thank you. l cant use this. Chuck it away.

Chuck it away? l keep everything. lt might come in useful.

Mind your head, Doc. Dont be your own first case!

Good morning. Are you the butcher?

Yes. lm the new doctor.

Both in the same line of business, really, arent we, Doc?

Morning. ice-looking bird. ls he yours?

Yes. lm the new doctor.

Yes, we know.

Another flipping kid trying to be a sailor.

(Knock at door)


Good morning, sir. Doctor.


Your stomach medicine, sir.

Whats on your head? On my head? othing, sir.

Exactly. Why not? Youve got a cap, havent you?

Yes - company regulation pattern.

Then why arent you wearing it? l dont know, sir.

The cap is worn for visits to the Captain. Theres no tramp stuff here.

This is my ship, Doctor, and shes properly run. l wonder if l could persuade you not to shake that too much.

Stop telling me what to do. Change that corn plaster. lts not my job to change corn plasters!

Youre a doctor, arent you? (Sighs) Yes.

There they are, the new ones.

Women, l suppose? l beg your pardon?

Drove you to sea. Oh. a way. l thought so. l can smell your type a mile away. l wont tolerate that with my officers. l dont approve of women. Theyre unnecessary.

But surely even a seaman has to get launched somehow?

l hope you understand your duties. Sick parades at nine oclock.

Bring me the sick list at 10:30. l want to know whats wrong. one of this medical secrecy. Everything must be out in the open.

Excuse me, sir.

Get away from me. Leave me alone.

Excuse me. That doors shut. Get out of here!

Good morning, sir.

Clean the telegraph. lt looks like its been out in a shower of...

(Horn blasts)

Mr Hornbeam, make her forard.

(Hornbeam) Let go forard!

(Horn blasts)

Slow ahead starboard. Slow ahead starboard.

(Captain) Sir! Sir.

Slow astern port. Slow astern port, sir.

Well, were underway, Doc. o popsies for a few weeks. l know. lm a different man already. l should have tried this before.

Youll have your sea legs in no time.

(Radio) Attention all shipping.

The Admiralty has just issued the following gale warning.

South to south-easterly gales now in operation in sea areas Portland, Wight, Dover, Thames, Heligoland.


Whats this? Bacon and sausage sandwich?

Yes, sir. Any mustard in it?

Yes, sir. Good. Tell the cook l want jam roly-poly for my lunch.


You know the only cure for seasickness? o. A pint of seawater in a bucket.

(Weakly) Oh... Old sailors remedy.

Care to try some? o, thank you.

All right. Just a suggestion.

The pipes not pulling. Have you got a pipe cleaner?

Could you clean it outside? lts a bit strong. Oh, lm sorry.

(Cook sings)

Oh, very nice, if l may say so, Mr Jenkins. You cook very nice. lts nice to be appreciated.

A contented cook makes a contented crew.

Oh, lm contented, all right.

Here, thats why. Mmm?

Thats why. Oh! (Laughs)

Oh, thats Rosie, the wife.

Oh! Well, shes, er... Shes healthy.

Has plenty of your plum duff, eh? Youre a lucky man, Mr J.

Excuse me. Oh, she could do with it.


(Man) A couple more turns, Fred.

Docs a bit off colour. Yeah. Heard you were, Doc.

Brought you something. Real sailors remedy. o salt water, thank you. Oh, no. ot that. This.

Guinness, old boy. You put a bit of sugar in and pour it down.

Youll be fine in half an hour.


Maybe that is the way, Doc. atures remedy, you cant whack it.

Good morning, Doctor. Your breakfast.

Thats the ticket, Easter. Give him something to work on. l dont want any breakfast, thank you.

Feeling a bit oopsy-daisy, Doc?

What you need is a good meal. A light repast, as you might say.

Put you right as rain. Eggs, nice bit of gammon, banger, tasty bit of haddock... ot just at the moment. Perhaps at lunchtime. o haddock? Well, lll knock this back myself.

Please do. lts a pity to waste it.



o soup today, Doctor. o soup.

Pity, its not bad for a change. ot seasick, are you? o, sir. Just not very hungry, thats all.

Seasickness is entirely mental. lsnt that so, Mr Archer?

Yes, sir. There are other reasons, sir. lts entirely mental. l know.

When the ship goes up and down or from side to side, people want to vomit, and, by jingo, they do, but its entirely mental.

Yes, sir. Whatever you say, sir.

Mr Whimble. Sir?

This fish, Mr Whimble. lts bad. lt cant be, sir.

Doctor? l havent tried mine yet.

Well, taste it now. Dont wait for us all to be poisoned.

Would you excuse me? There! And he didnt even taste it.

Chuck it all over the side. What, now?


Youre ticklish, sir. Yes.

Very nasty. Theres nothing serious, l hope.

Pes planum. Pes what?

Planum. What we of the medical profession call athletes foot.

Fix it in a jiffy.

Athletes foot? l dont know any athletes. ow, this was made up special by the Doctor hisself.

What do l do with it? What do you...?

Oh, you rub it on thrice daily after meals.

After meals. Hmm.

Hello, Second.

Whats the matter? Good morning, Doctor.

Extraordinary. Touch of pes planum. Cant think how l got it. l used our ointment. Easter, you are an idiot.

Anyone waiting? Yes. Thousands.

Line them up and send them in. Righto, Doc. lts astonishing.

Doctor, it feels better already. Three times daily. Shall l?

Oh, yes. Certainly. lf you think itll do any good.

Do me any good?! Good gracious me! lts wonderful stuff.

Oh, l dont need that.

All right. First one.

Come in, Wilson. Sit down. ow, what seems to be the trouble? lts my chest, Doc. Feels as if somethings pressing on it.

Take off your shirt. What sort of pressing? l dont quite know, but its suffocating, especially at night.

Lets have a look.

Something pressing on it? Yes, Doc. lm not surprised. lt must be the cannon balls.

Well, just flex your muscles and breathe naturally.

Whats going on? Chippies having one of his turns.

Look at that one with the two heads and green eyes!

Better go after him. He looks bad. Hell be in his cabin by now.

(Mutters maniacally)

Cor, hes violent. Er, now, come on.

Get away from me, you swine! lm here to help you.

Get away! Whats the trouble? lts them dogs, them Alsatians. Five ruddy great green ones!

This man has DTs.

Oh, hes had them for years. Hes been on the booze since we left. lt makes him sad leaving Wapping.

(Grunts and mutters) lf l make so bold, ld say this called for medical comforts.

Medical comforts? The brandy, issued buckshee for the hospital.

The late Dr Flowerday and l had... An understanding?

Thats right. Come along. Up.

What is it? What?

Have a nice drink of this. ltll make you feel better.

Feel better? (Sighs) Yes.

How many Alsatians can you see now? one. Theyve all gone.

Good. ow, down you go. There you are.

Thank you. Doc?


Heres three lovely little spaniel puppies.

Thank you.

You can have the bitch.

(Both grunt)

Yes, itll have to come out, Corble.

How are we for dental equipment? Weve got pliers, sir.

There must be some forceps. Theyre old-fashioned.

How about string and a doorknob? Dont be an idiot.

How about anaesthetic? Got ether.

Doctor, ether makes me sick.

(Shouts) And no ones going to use it on me!

What about medical comforts? That lm in favour of.

Well, Doc... Heres how.

Come on, Doc. Lets get cracking.


Come on.

(Laughs) Come on. Open.

Come on. Wide. Wider. ow...

Hold it. Hold on. Hold on.

(Mutters anxiously)


Am l interrupting? Were extricating a molar.

(Simon) Come in. Do you mind the sight of blood?

Blood? o, not a bit. Good. ow, come along. Well just try again. Open.

(Shouts in pain)

(Wails of agony) lm sorry. This is going to hurt a bit, l think.

Easter, apply some counter-pressure to his shoulders? Hurry up.

(Easter) Put your knee on his chest, Doctor.

Knee on his chest. Like that? ow your elbows against his shoulders.

Thats right. ow pull. How can l, you idiot?

Turn it upside down. l cant do that. lm sorry. Once again, open up.

Pull, Easter, pull!

lm...lm sorry, Doc. l...l hope l didnt hurt you.

Oh, no, no. ot at all. Look.

Well, Trail, what can l do for you? lm quite all right, Doc. Much better. Much better.

Thought l had a slight toothache. All gone.

Come on. Wakey-wakey!

Oh, take it easy, Doc. lts far too hot.

Youre going to need all your energy when we put into port at Bellos.

You are.

Hello, Doc. Morning.



Morning, sir. Sick report, sir. o time to dress this morning? l beg your pardon, sir? Youre naked.

Am l, sir? l didnt notice. Your button, Doctor.

Oh. Take care in the tropics.

Heat does strange things to people. l remember when l went Third.

The First Officer thought he was Cleopatra.

Very awkward for all hands, sir.

We were near the ile. That may account for it.

Yes, sir. l shall watch myself for any symptoms.

And there was your predecessor Flowerday. Poor fellow.

However, lets have a look at this sick list.

McGlusky, insomnia. What does he think you can do about that?

Perhaps he thought l was Cleopatra, sir.

Whats PUO? Pyrexia of unknown origin, sir. ld be obliged if youd speak English.

He has a temperature, sir. Why? l dont know. You ruddy ought to.

Youre the doctor. What if l didnt recognise a lighthouse?

Well, its hardly the same, sir.

A lighthouse sticks up for miles. Dont be impertinent.

(Horn blasts)

Bellos. lt looks a wonderful place, Easter. l suppose youve been before. Yes. lts a pretty spot but it has some distressing memories, you might say.

The late Dr Flowerday was very fond of it.

Easter, what did happen to Dr Flowerday?

Oh, very melancholy, it was.

He was in a hurry to get ashore one day when we were in the harbour.


Well, he had ideas above his station. He tried to walk.


(Shouting, horn blasts)

o, you naughty boy! l dont want to kiss you!

Hey! Hey!


Too fast an acceleration, Harry, eh? l havent got the pick-up that l used to have.

Family model. Catch her when she parks.

Chicken... Two! (Gargles)

Sword swallow. Hocus-pocus. One, two, three, go.

Stick it, boss. Dont be so darned silly!

Easter, back at your old job, eh?

Yes, l like hair cutting. Bit of an art. Like sculpture.

You never know how its going to turn out.

Ouch! Oh, was that your ear, Doc? lf l get a septic wound, lll brain you.

Sterilised, Doctor. We of the medical fraternity look after our tools.

The Violet come in astern of us last night.

The Violet? Yes, sister ship. Captain Beamish.

He and the old man hate each other. Yes. Professional rivalry.

Both think that theyve got the best ship.

You wouldnt fancy a crew cut, Doc? o, l would not.

(American accent) Hiya, Doc. lm off the Omar C lngersoll down the docks.

Drapers the name. How are you? l know l shouldnt bust in but your Chief Mate said it was OK.

What can l do for you? l just want a pack of aspro. Were clear out. l dont want to be any trouble o trouble at all.

Here. l brought you these in exchange.

Oh...yes, thank you.

Pop over for a cup of coffee some time.

Just ask for me. Oh, thats very nice of you.

Er, what exactly... l mean, what do you do aboard? lm the Captain.

Hi. Hello.

All set? l wonder where he gets his shirts?

The same place you get your ties. Do you like it? Got it in BA.

Subtle, eh? Shes got a pronounced strabismus. ls that medical for a good figure? o, a squint.

A squint?

Oh, yes. So she has.

Going ashore, Second? lm not visiting the engine room.

Take it easy. lts a very wicked city. lf you find fun among the dregs of humanity, it doesnt follow that all officers wish to do the same.

lts a girl. ever go ashore with Second, Doc. He never stands a round.

Just going over to Violet to pay a call on Captain Beamish.

Keep the men in order. lf anyone smuggles a woman aboard, clap him in irons.

Spending your evening in a shop window, Mr Archer?

Good evening, sir. Good eve...

Hello, Chippie. Taking the Alsatians for a stroll?

What are you talking about?

You know, them ruddy great green ones.

Have you been drinking? Oh! Hark at you!

(Barks and whines)

Drink. Softens the brain in the end.

Hope youve locked your cabin. These chapsll pinch anything.

Dont the police keep an eye out? Theyre too busy gambling.

Theyll arrest you first chance they get.

Steer clear of them, Doc. Thanks for the warning.


l say. What a smashing-looking girl. l wonder who that belongs to?

Hello. l wonder if youd mind giving us a lift into town?


Rosita, my dear. l hope l havent kept you waiting.

Captain Hogg, sir.


Whats the matter with him, Beamish? Scurvy or something?

Miss Mallet, this is Captain Hogg.

Good evening. Well, you are a surprise. l never expected a dear little beard.

Really, madam... This is Sir Arthurs daughter.

Oh. lve been a passenger all the way from Lima. lts been so exciting. lm a landlubber, really, and being at sea has been such a thrill. lndeed? Captain Beamish has been so kind. l think sailors get lonely without a little feminine company, dont you? l havent noticed it, madam. ow, Captain, you mustnt be strong and silent with me, or l shall tell my father.

Well, perhaps they are inclined to fret a little from time to time.

Fret? Oh, what a sweet way of putting it.

Captain, wont you offer Captain Hogg a drink?

Of course. Pour me a teeny one, will you?

Captain Beamish is going to take me out and show me the sights. ow, dont you slip away while lm gone.

(Laughs) l cant help feeling sorry for you, having that for the whole voyage.

Chairmans daughter or not, ld wring her neck. Whats this?

Thats a cable from the Chairman, saying that youre to sign her on now and take her home.

By Christopher, l wont! The Chairman says you will.

(# Cha-cha)

# Do you love me? Je ne sais pas

# Darling, l dont know

# Je ne sais pas but lm hoping that you do

# Do you want me? Je ne sais pas

# But your loving eyes

# Seem to tell me that you want me to be true

# Theres a magic, je ne sais quois

# ln the air tonight

# Je ne sais pas why my heart it is so gay

# There are many things l dont know

# But l do know this

# That l love you, love you, love you

# Je le sais

# Do you love me? Je ne sais pas, darling

# l dont know

# Still, lm hoping that you do

# Do you want me?

# Well, then, darling

# Come on and tell me that you do

# Theres a magic, je ne sais quoi

# ln the air tonight

# Je ne sais pas why my heart it is so gay

# There are many things l dont know

# But l do know this

# That l love you, love you, love you

# l am certain that l love you

# l love you, love you, love you

# Je le sais #

Dont do that, please. What a dish. Lets move in. o, l dont think so, thank you. Come on, Doc. Youre our decoy.

Good evening. Good evening. l wonder if youd care to join us in a drink? o, thank you. Oh, were very nice, you know. lm sure you are, but so am l, and anyway, lm waiting for a friend. lf lm not back when we sail... Excuse me. lm sorry about them, but weve just docked...

You dont look like a sailor. Oh, dont l?

Uh-uh. lm only half a sailor.

What is the other half? A doctor.

Oh, are those two your patients?

Sort of. Well, keep an eye on them.

Their temperatures are rising.

Mines not very steady.

Well, l see my friends. Excuse me, please.

Oh, this is divine. Yes, l thought youd like it.

Hello, darling. lts settled. This is Captain Beamish.

Miss Colbert. Her father is the lines agent in Algiers.

Daddy has great respect for him.

Oh, why didnt Captain Hogg come with us after all?

He wasnt feeling very well. Oh. Tum-tum? o. Shock. l wanted him to meet the other passenger. l doubt if it would have helped. Captain Beamish, good night.

Colonel Porella, the Chief of Police. Miss Mallet.

How do you do? Miss Colbert youve met. lndeed l have. Are you visiting? Well, just popping in and out.

Perhaps l can show you the beauties of our city, while you are popping.

Oh, how very kind of you. Well, it will have to be tonight.

The Lotus sails at noon tomorrow. l thought you never carried passengers?

Sir Arthur made an exception in this case.

Aha. So, you are leaving Bellos, Mademoiselle Colbert?

What shall we do without our sweet little nightshirt? ightingale! l have to go home, and Miss Mallet kindly arranged l travel with her.

Yes. l do want you to meet the Captain.

Do you know, he has the most magnetic little beard? l never knew a beard could... be so fascinating.

Youll like this. Quiet. ot a noisy dump like those other places. Restful.

As long as l can sit down, l shant mind.

You havent come to sit down, Doc. l have.

(# Lively jazz)

You like to dance with me?

Er, no. ot just at the moment, thank you. lf you dont like me, l get fired.

Oh, really? Well, that wont do, will it? All right. l like you.

You like a drink? Er... o. ot just now. l get fired if you dont like a drink.

Tell me, do you get fired if l just sit here and go to sleep?


Oh. lsnt there a high standard of activity demanded here? l get fired if you dont give me 200 cruzeiros.

Oh, l see.

All right. Heres the money.

Then you can join my playmates. o chance of getting fired with them.

Excuse me. Could you tell me the way to the harbour?

Bar? Ah, plenty bars, senor. That one very nice.

Thank you.

Oh, excuse me. Could you tell me the way to the harbour, please?

Doctor! Oh, lm glad to see you. lm lost.

Good heavens. Lost? l always carry a small map.

Good idea. And a pocket compass.

Would you care for a nightcap? l know a charming place down there.

Much better style. lf you insist. l dont insist. l thought it would be jolly.

Splendid fare, excellent cuisine, very good cellar. lts a favourite haunt of the President.


Good morning. (Slurs) Oh, is it?


lts all right, lve chocked it... checked it.

Chocked what? The bill.

Good. You dont mind paying, do you?

Like a fool, lve come with no money.

(Laughs) So have l.

What? Mmm. (Chuckles)

But, Doctor, you might have said.

Wed never have come to such an expensive place and ordered all this champagne, would we?

What are we going to do? Well, lets give him our watches.

Give him... o, no, please. o more watches.

Already l got two drawers full of watches.

What time is it?

(Laugh drunkenly) ow, dont you be impertinent. lm not going to stand any nonsense from these fellows. l...

Well, never mind. lm a British citizen.

Send for the Ambassador. Hooray!

Send for the police.

l dont know what the Captain will say about it. l really do not know.

Me, of all people. Dont worry.

They let you out in the morning with a caution.

But lm on watch at four!


Keep them ruddy dogs under control, will you?

Anybody care for a song?

Anybody care for a song?! o. lve seen you geezers somewhere before.

# When August suns are shining... #




Fancy seeing you again. There we are.


Evening, all. Hello!

Oh, hello, Doc. Been making the rounds, l see.

What have you been up to?

Oh, a little husband trouble. Happens to the best of us.

Evening, Mr Archer. (Laughs)

These are the cells. People stay here overnight.

They pay a fine or go to less nice accommodation.

Very modern, yes? How interesting.

Are they criminals? Oh, yes. Very bad men.

(Sailor) Come and feed the monkeys!

Look at that revolting beast. Are you on a professional visit?

Er, no. Purely private. Do you know my partner in crime. Aubrey?

Hello. How do you do?

Look at the earlobes, the simian features.

A murderer if ever l saw one. Yes. Rather like Crippen.

ow let me show you my museum. lt is full of wonderfully disgusting things.

Mmm... l cant wait.

Theyre shocking. They look British, too, some of them.


Oh, well. l suppose theyll just have to take their medicine.


(Porella) Captain, please.

Bye, Captain.

(Sings drunkenly)



What you do, huh? Oh, just a little game, Officer.

Harmless. Just have to say which the lady is.

Would you care to try? Si.


Oh, youre a sharp one. What about a little flutter?

A gamble. Money. Dough. Oh, si, si. ow, whatll the bet be? All right. Here we go.

(Sings) (Guard) Pronto! Pronto!

Here we are. ow, ready? ow, where is she?

There? Yes... Si.

Oh! Dough, dough, dough.

(Cheering and shouting)


Dont think much of yours. Proof of the pudding...

You beast!

Sorry, darlings, wrong ship. Porter, is this the Lotus?

Madam, it is the Lotus, and l am the third officer.

Oh, so sorry, but you do look a little jim-jammy in that get-up.

Were the passengers. Youre sailing with us?!

Yes. Would you take us to the Captain?

Theres no hurry. What about a little spot of something?

Oh, yes, with pleasure. l am Miss Mallet.

Miss Mallet. Yes, l can see you are. This way, please.

Oh, this is going to be a wonderful trip.

The ladies, sir. Ah! Welcome aboard, Miss Mallet.

Thank you. And Miss...?

Helene Colbert. Mademoiselle. How do you do?

We must make you comfy. Whats their accommodation, Whimble? l thought perhaps the hospital.

The hospital?! For the Chairmans daughter?

The Doctors got a double cabin. Put them in there.

Dont turn anyone out because of me. onsense. Hell be delighted. Hed better be.

We must do exactly as the Captain says.

We dont want to be a nuisance to anyone.

Hey, Doc. Come and have a drink, lve got some exciting news..

Just a minute. l must get a shower. lve been stocking up the hospital.

(Pipes rumbling)

(Helene) l wont be long, darling.

Oh! lm terribly sorry. l thought l was on the Lotus. You are. l... l thought this was my cabin. lt is. lm afraid you have to go to the hospital.

Yes, lm afraid youre right. o, they have given us your cabin. lm terribly sorry. Oh, its perfectly all right.

Could you tell me why? Miss Mallet and l are passengers.

Oh, l see.


Did you sleep well last night, Doctor?

Yes, l did. Thank you for asking.

We played cards rather late, you know?

Did your temperature rise a little up?

Yes, it did, rather. lm sorry we have taken your cabin.

Oh, no, not at all. Anything l can do to help you at any time... lf you catch a cold or something... Thank you.

Well, lll see more of you presently.

Oh...ld be grateful if you didnt mention last night to the Captain.

Of course not. What is he like, your Captain Hogg?


Hes inclined to fly off the handle sometimes.

As there are now ladies aboard, you will obey the following instructions.

There will be: one, no skylarking,

You will behave at all times as officers and, save the mark, as gentlemen, bearing in mind that one of the ladies is in a strong position to report your conduct to the Chairman of the Line, and as lm in the same boat, youd better keep your noses clean.

Understand? (All) Yes, sir.

Good. ow, theres another matter l should like to talk to you about.

A certain fellow captain of the line, who shall be nameless, seems to be under the impression that this ship is inferior to his.

This impression must be corrected forthwith. l ask for suggestions.

Sir. Well?

How about a football match? lm rather a good kick.

Any kicking to be done aboard this vessel will be done by me. lve decided what were going to do. Were going to hold a ships dance. ltll demonstrate to certain fellow captains of mine - and the Chairmans daughter and the colony in general - that this is the finest vessel of her tonnage afloat.

There will be a dance, gentlemen...

and itd better be ruddy good, or lll want to know why!

Come on, lads. Hurry up. We wont get it finished.

Mr Trail. Sir?

Balloons. l beg your pardon, sir?

Balloons. Every self-respecting dance has them. Have we got any? o, sir. Get some.

Any particular shape, sir? Round ones, Mr Trail.

Youre the entertainments officer? Yes, sir.

What about drink? Weve got some cup, sir.

Cup, Mr Trail? Wine, Mr Trail. Wine for the ladies.

We havent got any, sir. Get some.

See that it says wine on the label.

What are you doing? Putting down beetle powder? o, sir. French chalk for dancing. Oh. Come here, Mr Archer.


l dont like your waltzing, Mr Archer. lm not fond of the waltz, sir.

My officers waltz. Put some more of that stuff down. l think theres sufficient. Put some more down. r Hornbeam!

This bunting looks like seaweed.

Sir, we changed it on your orders. Change it back again at once.

This is a ships dance, not an excuse for idleness.

Very good, sir.

Balloons, Mr Trail.


And balloons to you...sir.

Doctor, come quickly. Whats the matter? lts the cook. Has he fricasseed himself?

Just about. Can you come at once?

Jenkins, dont be a fool. o, no! o! Let me do it!

Whats the matter with him? His wifes got another man.

Oh, Jenkins. l am sorry. What did she say?

Dear Vic, just to tell you... lm in trouble because of my lover. Rosie.

Can l have a look?

Jenkins, cant you read?

She says, lm in trouble because of my liver.


ow, for Petes sake, get on with your work.

Oh, thank you, Doc.

Why have you taken your teeth out? l thought l might swallow them and choke to death.

Well, put them back in. l cant think what l did with them.

Be a good boy and find them.

(# Waltz)

Good evening. Good evening, Beamish.

Welcome aboard the finest ship in the Fathom Line, with the finest crew.

You know Mr Hornbeam. Good evening.

Good evening, sir. My doctor. Sparrow.

Good evening, sir. Have we met before? l dont think so, sir. lm new.

Odd, your face seems familiar.

Oh, sorry.

Look, wait on the upper deck. lll get some drinks.

Up there? Yes, up there.

All right.

Easter, l want a couple of drinks.

You know the form - something, er, special.

Oh! Oh, yes, Mr Trail.

Glasses, Harry. l have here a little cocktail, sir, that l have prepared special for myself and friends. l call it fire alarm. lt looks jolly good. Whats in it?

That, sir - as the bartending brotherhood say - would be telling.

lts tremendous!


Here you are. Thank you.

Bung-ho. Bung-ho.

lts strong, isnt it?

Oh, is it? Mmm. lts the fruit youre tasting. Oh! l say... Would you care to come and see the steering gear?


Well, its, er...rather interesting. ld like you to see it.

Oh! All right.

Splendid. (Chuckles)

Come along.

Captain, you do waltz well. Thank you.

Do you jitterbug, too? Madam, l do not.

Dont you? l shall have to teach you.

We can cut a rug during the long voyage home. Well have a lot of fun.

Oh, sorry! Was that your foot? lt was. Excuse me. Again?

Hello. Thank you very much.

What do you do on this ship? lm an apprentice.

Youre learning the job? Thats right.

Seems to me youve learned it pretty well already.

Are you a very good doctor? lm a better doctor than l am a dancer.

Doesnt matter. Were going in the right direction.

Yes, l know. Thats what l was worried about. lt worries you? Why?

Well, its, erm... out of the frying pan into the fire.

Simon, you speak too quickly. Please, speak in French. l dont know the French for frying pan.

What is that, frying pan? ln English, we call it...Wendy.

Wendy? lts the name of a girl in English.

Yes. But its also a frying pan?

Er, yes, in a way. And Helene, what is that?

Ah. Er, lm afraid...its the fire.


Ah. Here we are.

Bung-ho. Bung-ho.

Strong, isnt it? Thats the fruit youre tasting.

Would you care to see the steering gear?

Why? lts rather interesting. ld like you to see it.

All right. Splendid.

Come on.


Oh. Do you know where the Doctor is, sir?

The Doctor? l think hes on the poop.

Hes wanted. Two stokers knocked themselves out dancing.

Dancing? l wager they were fighting. o, they were executing the pas-de-deux from Swan Lake, sir.

Pardon? ld better find him.

Theres only one way to run a ship - method.

Eh? Beamish. By all means.

Order and method. A place for everything, everything in its place.

And nowhere else.


Excuse me.

Thank you, sir.

(Drunk) lve seen the steering gear.

Have you? So you have. Well, um...come and see it again. lsnt there another part of this ship with less of that nasty iron about? l expect we can find somewhere.

Come on. Wake up. l dont want to see the steering gear. o, but youve got to see your own bed.

Thats right.

Home, James. Wait a minute.

Come here. You cant sleep here.

(Sings drunkenly)

Shh! Quiet!

Whee! ow, do be quiet, please. ow, stand there.

Oh, do stand up.

Come on.

ln there. Shh!

(Mockingly) Oh, shh!


Up you get.

Just a minute.

(Giggles) Lovely steering gear.

What are you doing with my daughter?

Oh... lm terribly sorry, sir, shes a bit tired.

How dare you, you swine? o, lm a doctor...

Youve drugged her? Of course not. lm going to murder you. Listen to reason, sir. lm going to trample you into the carpet. l shouldnt, sir. (Girl squeals)

Scared, eh? l know your sort. o, lm not thinking of myself, or your carpet, lm thinking of you.

Huh! You neednt think about me. Well, sir, l had to as a doctor.

Violent exersise is very dangerous with your complaint.

Dont play for time... What complaint?

You have Higginbottoms disease, sir. o, l do not. Oh! l suppose they were afraid to tell you. ow. Mm-hmm... Oh, dear. lm afraid its all too obvious.

Yes. The symptoms are all there. Poor Daddy.

Would you put your arms above your head? o, l wont. Hurts, does it?

Certainly not. ot very good, is it? ever mind. l wonder if youd just try to bend over.

Down you go. l assure you, this is a matter of life and death.

Oh! lts all right.

Just you stay there for a moment. Would you start counting?

One...two...three...four... nine...ten...eleven...twelve... thirteen...

Ordinary Seamen Wilson and Merritt for logging.

All right, wheel the perishers in. Very good, sir. Come on, you two.

Wilson and Merritt, found fighting, contrary to Article 1 7 of the Merchant avy Act. ow, l want to make one thing perfectly clear to you two.

Youre getting a fair hearing this morning.

Youre free to ask questions of me or other officers, and you may call witnesses in your defence. l believe a man is innocent until hes proved guilty.

Do you hear that? (Both) Yes, sir.

Very well. ow you tell me your version of the story.

Well, it was like this, sir. We were having a cup of tea...

You flaming liar! You were drunk!

Who? Me, sir? Who me?

Of course you were. Dont answer back!

Cup of tea! What do you take me for? l was at sea when the marks of the cradle were still on your...

Mr Hornbeam, they were fighting? Yes, sir.

Doctor, you found these men drunk?

Well, sir, tests... The Doctor agrees with me.

You were soused! Do you know what ld like to do with you? ld like to clap you in irons till we get back to port. ld like to lash you to the mast - STAD UP STRAlGHT! - and flog the living hide off you!

Thats what you scum deserve.

You dozy, idle, loafing, illegitimate cut-throats.

All right. Fined five shillings. Good morning.

All right. Get out. lsnt it a lovely morning?

Exquisite morning, sir.

This isnt a pleasure cruise. Tell Mr Hornbeam to get that cargo stowed. lt looks like a bundle of knitting. Er... Aye, aye, sir.

Mr Hornbeam? Mr Hornbeam, l wonder if youd mind...?

Hornbeam, get that cargo secured! (Hornbeam) Aye, aye, sir.

Captain Beamish didnt have nearly such a pretty bridge as you, Captain.

You know, it would nice if you had some ivy in pots, sort of trailing over everything, wouldnt it?

Your father wouldnt approve. Daddy does what l suggest.

He calls me his ideas girl. l can see why.

Get out of my way!

Dont you ever feel isolated up here, Captain? o, Miss Mallet. Oh.

Of course you have the seagulls, l suppose, but you cant have nice, cosy chats with them, can you?

Oh, may l ask a favour, Captain? Of course, Miss Mallet.

May l drive it for a little? Drive it?!

Daddy says every woman should know how to.

Oh, does he? Quartermaster, Miss Mallet will take over.

Aye, aye, sir. Oh, thank you.

Mr Fellowes. Mr Archer. Send the Doctor to me at once.

Mr Archer, attend Miss Mallet in the wheelhouse.

Oh, is there a Highway Code or something l should read first?

Oh, Mr Archer, dear, which are the brakes?

Brakes? Of course.


Good morning, sir. You sent for me? lts about this woman Mallet, the one with the teeth.

Shes pursuing me. l hadnt noticed, sir.

Dont be such a confounded liar.

You know lm a calm, reasonable sort of man, but she might drive me to lose control of myself.

Really, sir? lts an awkward situation for me.

What are you gonna do about it? l dont know what l can do.

Give her a pill to make her sleep for a fortnight.

Wouldnt that be difficult to explain to the prospective patients father, sir?

Yes, l hadnt thought of that.

But this cant go on. The womans obsessed! l could try psychiatry... l dont want that muck on my ship!

Youd better give me something.

Something in the nature of potion, sir?

To make the obsession mutual?

Dont be disgusting. o, something to calm my nerves. Make it strong.

A sedative. lt might also calm your temper. l havent got a temper! All right, sir, but dont drink alcohol at the same time, otherwise youll be excessive... excessively drunk, and the consequences could be disastrous.

Very well. Send it up right away and see its good.

Yes, sir.

Excuse me, Doc, but Father - the Captain - wants another box of pills.

Another? Yes, sir.

Oh, well. All right.

ice and quiet, Mr Hornbeam.

Yes, sir. Very. Restful, eh?

Yes, sir.

Your new pills, sir.

Thank you. Put them in my cabin, will you? l dont need them today.

Mr Hornbeam, what are those men doing below there?

lll see, sir. lll go myself. obody has enough to do. Good morning, sir.

Your stocking, Mr Fellowes.

Excuse me, sir.

The skipper!

Good morning, Captain. Come to sunbathe? l do not sunbathe. You should. lts so good for you.

Daddy does whenever he can.

You might find somewhere less public!

Oh, how sweet of you. Well come up on the bridge.

Go along, darling.



Thanks, Doc. ext, please. ext, please. ext?

What is the matter with you? lm stuck. Stoker Corble, sir. Stuck.

Stuck? Stuck.

There l am, Doctor, stoking, minding my own business, when suddenly l get stuck, just like this - look.

You cant stand up straight? o.

What we of the medical fraternity call a sloppy disc. o, it isnt. Easter, go and stand round there.

ow, put your hands on Easters shoulders and try and stand up straight.

Hurt? o.

Cant feel a thing.

Did you feel that? Yeah. lt tickles.

Easter. Come here. Get underneath and take the strain. ow, look, you push up, and lll try and pull. Right?

Shall l get the chief engineer to fix up a block and tackle? o, l dont think thats necessary.

Hey, Doc, lm not going to be left this way for keeps, am l?

The wifell think lm taking the mickey.

Youll be all right in a jiffy. Easter, get me some oil, will you?

To rub him down with. This needs loosening up.

Weve got some castor oil. Anything will do.

Thank you. Miss Mallet pinched the olive oil for her bains de soleil, as the French say.


Good morning.

Good morning, miss.

Er... Thanks, Doc. You fixed me fine.

What can l do for you?

Well, lve had a little backache, but its all right. lm sure we can find something wrong with you.


Oh! ow, then. How about a little pink gin?

There, Miss Mallet. lve rubbed almost everything.

Thank you. lt feels lovely.

Captain, hello.

You dont mind my borrowing your officer, do you?

As far as lm concerned, you can keep him.

As a deck officer, l have always thought hed make a good greaser.


Dont worry. He doesnt really mean it. othing l do seems to please.

There you are.

Drink it down. ltll do you good.

This is the first time lve ever drunk pink gin in a medicine glass. l wish l could say the same.

Bonne chance.

You have no work? Business is not brisk today.

Do you enjoy it? What? The job?

Oh, l dont know. Quite. lm afraid some of them dont think much of me.

They think lm a landlubber. Quoi?

Er... A little bit green.

Oh. You cant blame them, really.

Why do you do it? l developed what is known as an allergy.

What to? Feathers or something? o, to hungry girls in glasses called Wendy.

Oh, l see.

Are you better now?

Oh, yes. lm much better, thank you. lts usually the doctor that does the questioning.

Oh, l am sorry. Go ahead. Well, um...

Are you allergic to anything?

Er...ships doctors, for example? l havent noticed it.

(Door opens)

Excuse me, Doc. lts urgent. lf its the cook, cut him down. o, its old Harry. He doesnt look good.

He says his belly - pardon - his abdomen hurts.

All right. Will you excuse me?

(Hums happily)

Excuse me, sir. Sir, do you think we can go a little faster?

Why? lts old Harry, sir.

Hes got an acute appendicitis. l must get him to hospital.

Why? For an operation, sir.

You know l cant make port for at least three days.

Youll have to operate yourself. Me, sir?

Youre the doctor. Well...

Thats what youre paid for. lm not the surgeon. l dont care. lll have no dead quartermasters aboard my ship.

Operate yourself. Thats an order. Very well, sir. lf you want any nurses, lm sure the ladies will oblige.

Oh, with pleasure.

Scrub it down thoroughly, and then sterilise the instruments.

Yes, Doctor.

Ever given an anaesthetic? Yes, Doc. Once in the Red Sea...

Yes, all right. Are you a bit nervous, Doctor?

Well, as a matter of fact l am.

Maybe a little medical comfort, sir?

Afterwards. lm going to get some more bulbs. Do what you can here.


How do you lay em out? Lie on it. lll show you.

Hands on your chest, now, like this. Hell slip off this like a wet fish.

Very dignified. Look. Smooth as a babys bottom. othing like a good burial at sea for dignity, l say.

Hello, Doc. Just taking precautions.

So l see.

Here. Hold this. Dont forget, two waves and hes kicked the bucket.

Then you lower away to half-mast. Good morning, Doc.

Good morning. Dont take it too hard, will you?


Forceps. o, the others.

Whats Harrys chances, Chippie?

Oh, l dont know. l dont think this Docs ever done a job like this.

All right, Doc?

Yes. Yes, l think hell do.

Hes all right. A good pulse.

o sign of infection. lt would have come by now if was going to.

Simon, why dont you go to bed?

You havent had any sleep for a long time. o, not yet. l must wait till lm quite sure.

Do you want some more coffee? Hmm? Oh, yes.

Youre a very good nurse, you know? Youre a very good doctor, l know.

Oh, excuse me, Doc. Theres someone to see you. Special.

Oh, for Petes sake! Give him a couple of aspro.

Tell him to come back tomorrow morning.

Easter, all right, send him in. lll see him.

Theres more than one, Doc.

Oh? All right.

Doc says come in.


Sir, representing the crew of the SS Lotus of the Fathom Line, weve taken the liberty to come here and express our gratitude for what youve done for old Harry there.

You see, were all very fond of old Harry, and er... lts our opinion, nem. con., that youre a proper ships doctor to have done that, seeing what a pickle he was in.

And so, sir, wed like you to accept this small token of our esteem.

Thats yours, Sandeman. ld like you to have it, Doc.

Thank you. l...

(Bird chirrups)

Thank you, very much.

You see, sir, we felt that...


Are you glad they have given you the bird?

Er, yes, in a way.

l seem to have won 33 and six from you, Captain.

Shall l add it to the list? lf you please.

What are those pills you keep taking?

Theyre for headaches. Oh, do you have one? l have on this trip. You worry.

About your promotion, perhaps? Oh, lm sure you neednt.

Somehow, l can see the one thick stripe on your arm.

Commodore Hogg of the Fathom Line. l wonder if Daddy could see it, too?

Yes. Commodore Sir Wentworth Hogg. Yes. Yes, it suits you.

Very kind of you to say so, lm sure.

Theres just one teeny thing against it perhaps.

Youre not married.

Steamship lines do like their Commodores to be married. lt seems to make them more stable. l know Daddy feels like that.

Oh, well. l must go and tidy up.

Thank you for the game. lt was lovely...Wentworth.

(Hums Wedding March)

Good evening, Mr Archer. Lovely evening.

Yes, indeed. ls the Captain engaged?

Engaged? l think its a little too soon...

Oh, you mean busy. l thought you meant, er... o, he isnt busy, Mr Archer. lve just left him.

(Continues humming)

(Whistles Wedding March)



(Knock at door)


Good evening, sir. What do you want?

Well, among other things, ld like to offer my congratulations. l hope lm the first to do so. What are you chattering about?

Miss Mallet, sir. The happy event. Your impending nuptials.

And who told you l was engaged to Miss Mallet?

Well, sir... Er...

Come here.

Come here! Has this crew got nothing better to do than gossip? lts time they had! lm nothing of the sort, do you understand?

And now get out! Get out!

The meteorological report... Get out!

Simon? Hmm?

This time tomorrow, you will be in England.


And that will be the end of our little shipboard romance.

Yes, l suppose it will. Were playing a very traditional scene.

Traditional? Why?

Well, weve got a ships rail, a calm sea, moonlight, you and me, the end of a voyage.

All we need is a celestial choir. You sound sad.

Well, l am sad. What happens to you now? l will take some holidays, and after, go on working somewhere. And you? lm staying on with the ship.

Theyre bound for Rio, and lve never seen Rio.

Are there any frying pans in Rio? Hundreds, l should think.

Why dont you come with me and find out?

l dont think ld be a very good doctors wife. l wouldnt be very good in cabaret. l could learn tricks from Easter.

Well, l think we have to say goodbye now, before...


Bon voyage, Doctor.

Bon voyage.

Whos on watch? l am, sir.

You go below. lm taking over.

Very good, sir.

You get below, too. Aye, aye, sir.

And dont mince!


Wentworth... Dear Wentworth...



(Stops snoring) Thank you.

Oi, Turkish delight.

Mm? o, lve got some English delight here.

The trouble is, nobody in this ships got enough to do.

Sound the alarm bell seven times.

But thats boat stations... Do as youre told!

(Alarm sounds)

ow signal abandon ship.

(Klaxon sounds)

lll give them something to do. l say. Whats happened? The engine rooms an inferno. ld heard we struck an iceberg. An iceberg?

lf l may make so bold, abandon ship. l gathered that. Morphia, syringe, torch...

And the medical comforts, Doctor?

Thats the first good idea youve had. lll make the perishers sweat.

Oh, how tiresome. l hope this doesnt give the Captain a headache.

Quickly, ladies. Were sinking. Oh!

Do you want any help? Oh, l cant do it up. lll be in the lifeboat. You must do it!

Come on. Dont waste time.


Right. Up!

Dozy, idle nincompoops.

(Hogg) What the devils happening to number three boat?

(Hornbeam) Man all lifeboats! At the double!

Come on! This way! Hurry! Hurry! Come on! Step lively!

Turn him round. (Man) Tear away lifelines.

(Man) Stand by, disengaging gear.

(Harry) Mind, lve got water on the knee.

Youll get water on the head. (Archer) Where are the women?

Miss Mallet? Miss Colbert? Whats the trouble, Mr Trail?

Oh, dont worry. Maybe the steering gears worn out.

Dont panic! Please dont panic!

Come on. Lower away there! Ships going down!

Doctor, if you dont get a move on, youll end up wet!

Johnson? Williamson? Jenkins! Wheres that ape of a cook? l lost Rosies photo. Thats not all youve lost.

Oh! Come on. Get in there, all of you. lncompetent imbeciles! Call yourselves sailors?

Fireworks. Oh, lve always loved them.

Lets take our proper places.

Oh! Please, let us keep our umbrellas in their proper places, too.

So sorry. Dont panic, please.

Cor! What a lash-up! Keep them dogs under control.

What a lash-up. lll never see Wapping again.

Theres time for that later.

Stop! Youre the doziest, idlest bunch of incompetent nincompoops lve ever had the misfortune to sail with! ow, swing them all inboard again.

Get back to your quarters and well start over again.

Right. Get back to your quarters. Doc, you come with me. ow, lets have no dumb insolence.

Hes drunk. Drunk?

Hes got a bottle up there. On top of all those pills?

Hes crackers. Hmm?

Hes incapable. Hes barmy.

Bosun, dismiss all hands. Disregard all alarm signals. The Captains ill.

Mr Hornbeam, this is mutiny. lll clap you in irons!

Your patients waiting. Mine?

Youre the doc. Youve got soothing syrup, havent you?

Easter. Get the hypodermic, quickly.

Youd better distract his attention somehow.

Mutinous scum! lll have the Board of Trade on the lot of you for this Oh, thank you.

ls it all right, Doctor? ltll keep him quiet for a week.

Well, bon voyage, Doctor. Youre coming with me.

Oh, no, no, no!

Youre coming with me. ow, hold that.

Get off my bridge. lts quite all right...

(Hogg laughs maniacally) ow, remember, you stay close behind me.

When l reach for the hypodermic, give it to me.

Whos that? lts all right. lts the Doctor.

Get off my bridge. l wanted a word...

Get off my bridge, you snotty-nosed medico!



Cor! He aint half going to have headache in the morning, Doc.


Curious. Just when we need you most.

Youll be all right but youll need a nurse. ever had a nurse in my life. Wheres your cap? lm sorry, sir. l leave him in your hands. Best of luck.

Get out!

How long do you suppose itll be? Another 40 years or so, l expect. ow, take your medicine like a good boy... or l shall tell Daddy.


Theres a telegram for Miss Helene.

Take it to her. l thought you might like to.

Why? lt says shes got a job in Rio. ln Rio? How do you know?

Oh, lve got X-ray eyes, Doc, then l had a read to make sure.

Easter, as we of the medical fraternity say, youre a...

(Horn sounds)

Go on, sir.


(Horn blares) lts a telegram for you.

Youve got a job in Rio. Can you hear me? o.

Theres a telegram...