Doctor Detroit (1983) Script


Five eighths of a mile.

Less corrections for construction zones.

Bus traffic, lake clearance, adjusted ETA downtown is now three minutes plus ten.

Counting down.

Bye!

Hey!

Hey, look.

Some kinda nut, look at him!

Loves his exercise.

Hey, man!

Nice legs!

Thank you!

Sweet thing, how you doing, baby?

Good morning, baby, how are you?

All right.

Good morning, Miss Blittstein.

Diavolo, fix your shirt, you're so sloppy.

Come on, girls, let's go to work.

Hey, boss, check out the geek.

Yeah, I want you to see this guy. Slow down, Diavolo.

It's the same guy. He's cute.

He's got nice legs for a geek. You're right.

Forget it, we're late. Let's go, Diavolo.

Marvelous.

Well, anchors away, sweetheart.

Don't forget to take your Dramamine!

Come on, Jasmine, baby! What can he do that I can't do?

He has a boat.

Good afternoon, ma'am. Hi, Stretch!

Are you getting taller or did I break a heel?

Facutly pension checks aren't supposed to bounce, are they?

Here comes young Skridlow.

Good afternoon, Skridlow. Right on time.

Finished classes, six miles into town to the faculty club as usual, and now I'm indulging myself.

Dinner out and a movie.

Bye.

Look, I paid 50 dollars for this tie and I think it looks great, okay?

Yeah, well, I woulda bought the other one, you know?

I didn't hire you to be a fashion consultant, I hired you to drive.

So please, just drive?

Well, one day I'm gonna have my own driver because I am gonna be an actor.

Look, Diavolo, just cut the Sidney Poitier impressions, okay?

They'll call me Mr. Diavolo.

Fine.

Hey, wait a second, man, what the fuck's going on here?

Who is it?

Says moms. That's one of Mom's cars!

Hey, man, where the fuck you get your driver's license, man?

Hey, Smooth!

Yeah, here's the Yul Brynner clones.

Hey, Smooth Walker!

Me?

Yeah, you, you son of a bitch!

Mom wants to see ya!

Silly me, I...

I thought we were in the middle of a motorcade here.

Aren't you boys on your way to the cue ball convention?

Yeah, you...

Hey, man, watch it, asshole!

Just be cool and drive, okay, Diavolo?

Say, Jack, you know I just had this motherfucker washed and waxed?

Diavolo, just be cool, be cool.

Say, boss, you want me to lose these assholes?

Come on, get out!

Let's go!

Take it easy.

Mom's waiting!

Take it easy on the suit.

Look, you want the Asshole of the Year award?

You have my vote, okay? Take it easy, Johnny.

Okay, okay, guys. Listen, I can walk by myself, okay?

What are you guys, training wheels?

Hi, Mom, it's a pleasure to see you as always.

You owe me 80,000 dollars.

60.

I'm a couple of months behind.

80.

The 20,000 extra is a late payment penalty.

There are lots of other penalties, you know.

Look, Mom, I'm doing my best. I mean, I got over...

Shut up.

The only reason you're walking around with both knees is 'cause you got a class act.

I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

You give me your money, your girls, everything else you got.

Call it even.

What about me?

I'll let you live.

Quiet!

Mom...

I mean, you know how things work in this town.

Now, if it was up to me alone, I'd be thrilled to settle this thing with you, but well...

I got a new partner.

Another partner?

This guy, this dude from Detroit. He just moved in on me.

Detroit? Are you kidding?

I know people in Detroit.

Not this guy.

I mean, he's too big, he's too bad.

He's as bad as you are, maybe even badder.

I'm scared, Mom. And that's why I...

I go along with the Doctor.

The Doctor?

Yeah. Doctor.

Doctor Detroit.

I don't know if he's really from Detroit, maybe that's just a handle he uses.

You mean you let this jerk-off muscle in on Mom?

Just let him without... Just let him in?

I was scared, Mom.

He's a scary guy.

I gotta meet this Doctor.

I'll... I'll see if I can arrange a meeting.

But do me a favor, Mom, just leave me out of it.

I have suffered enough.

Okay, boys, turn him loose.

If he gets outta line, you can have him for lunch.

What? What is it with you guys?

Diavolo. Where to, boss?

Australia, South Pole... China, okay?

Well, I gotta stop and get gas, you know that.

Just drive, okay? Please?

Hey, man, I hate to say this again, but you got your little fuzzy white ass in a crack.

And you know there isn't any Doctor Detroit.

You just pissed away the money!

Please, I know what I did. I am trying to figure a way out.

Yeah, okay.

Okay, well, you just remember that you didn't spend any of that money on me.

It doesn't matter, bro.

You are in this with me, I am not going down alone.

Wait a second, man, what are you talking about, man?

It's not my fault that you spent all that money on those clothes, those shoes, this big gas guzzling tank and that penthouse of yours!

Diavolo, I didn't say it was your fault, I said it was your problem.

Now we have to find ourselves a patsy, okay?

Now, what kinda patsy you talking about?

I don't know.

Just somebody who could be Doctor Detroit, whatever the hell that is.

Just a yo-yo.

Where are you gonna find a geek like that?

Mulligatawny soup, lamb vindaloo, alu parathas, saag, all on the special?

Perfect!

Excuse me, please. Pardon me, sir.

And for you.

Guptar! Mr. Skridlow, welcome.

Namaste.

Please, this way.

Mr. Skridlow, the lamb vindaloo is very, very good this evening.

That's just what I was thinking.

What a coincidence. I will bring the waiter over right away.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

So he wears this little sailor suit, right?

Vomit.

And I do my best Flower of the Orient number.

Jasmine!

Like it's 1931 and we're in the long bar in Shanghai.

That sounds like fun.

Till we play find the gunboat. Okay!

Hey, isn't that the funny looking guy with the great legs?

Ooh, yeah! Great legs, nice tushie.

I think he's cute! Hi, honey!

Shh, Karen! He didn't hear me.

Look, I don't want people...

Hiya, girls, I'm sorry I'm late. Hi, honey.

Where have you been?

Hey, you made it. Just barely.

Bourbon, no ice. Double.

What's the matter, Smoothie? You had a rough day, honey?

Nah, been talking business all day long.

Just money, money, blah blah bleh, you know.

And?

And everything is fine.

Girls, girls!

Look, it takes a lot of time and energy just to cover our investments every day, okay?

I don't wanna talk about it during dinner.

Okay.

Okay. Fine.

Hey, Smooth, look, your old friend.

Son of a bitch!

Here we are, sir.

Yeah, listen, you see the guy over here?

The four eyed gentleman with his nose buried in the book?

Sir?

The guy with the seat cover sport jacket.

Yes, sir.

I wanna buy him a drink. Yes, sir.

No!

I wanna buy him dinner.

Very good, sir. Chop chop.

Generous.

Excuse me, sir, but the gentleman at the table opposite you with the young ladies, would like you to join them for dinner.

Really? I can't believe it.

Sell it, girls.

I wonder what the man could want.

Homosexual come on, maybe.

No, he couldn't be gay, not with all those beautiful women.

And even if he is, maybe they're not.

What harm in accepting the man's hospitality?

But no free lunch in this world, say I.

I can thank him, though. Yes.

Yes, I'll thank him. That's the decent thing to do.

This is most unexpected. Do I know you?

Perhaps you were in my Comp Lit 101 class at Monroe?

I don't believe so.

Excuse me. I'm Jasmine.

Yeah, and I'm totally thoughtless. Allow me to introduce everyone.

This is Karen.

And I'm Smooth Walker.

This is Monica. Hello.

Jasmine, of course, and this is Thelma.

And you are? Clifford Skridlow. My friends call me Cliff.

Cliff! How cute!

Well, join us, Cliff.

Well, I... I've already ordered...

Why don't I have Mr. Skridlow's dinner brought to this table?

Why don't you? Great.

Here comes that chair, Cliff, just slip right in.

We'll have another fresh drink for our new friend, Cliff.

How very gracious of you.

Can you tell us anything at all about this tandoori thing?

You ordered the tandoori? Well, you're going to enjoy it.

It's really a marvelous technique.

It's a miniature clay oven, completely enclosed, a marinade and the heat of the oven and the enclosure on top, keeps the juices in and thus causes the meat to come out pink.

Ooh, I love it!

Karen!

Thank you for coming, sir. Thank you, my good man.

That was good.

I got it, honey.

Here's your car, Mr. Walker.

Come on, come on.

Ooh!

Fresh air gives one a decided lift. Doesn't it?

Well, I'm off to the Cinema Obscura, it's the last night of the Satyajit Ray Pather Panchali trilogy and...

No, no, no.

I'd like to catch it, so thank you.

Cliff, Cliff, don't worry about it. I got the whole thing on video cassette.

Pather Panchali, the whole trilogy, Deep Throat, E.T., you name it!

Thank you. Hey, man...

Thank you, Diavolo, the door. But wait, boss, ain't this the geek...

Yes, yes, this is Professor Clifford Skridlow.

How do you do?

He is an expert on chivalry, honor, literature...

Indian cuisine!

Don't forget power walking, systems analysis, rock climbing.

And what about erotic adventure? I never said that.

So? Think about it.

Shall we be going then?

Come on. Come on!

Yeah, we'll have a wonderful time.

And you look like you need a little company, right?

Yeah, get in, get in. Would you get your ass in the car?


Catchy tune! Yeah!

Do you dance? Not much.

Go on, you got the rhythm. Go on!

Sure, show us what you're made of.

Come on. So much fun.

You look so handsome in this jacket, I wanna dance with you.

Give it a try.

Well, I might as well work off supper.

There you go!

Gangway, hot soup comin' through! That's cute.

Hey, Smooth. What are we being so nice to this guy for?

Well, I'm... Thinking about taking in a new partner.

Let's go mix it up.

Like Lord Wittgenstein and his monks drinking wine and the flagons were full.

Watch the water!

Beautiful. Wait, traffic stop, stop!

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Look out, girls!

I'm gonna fire up a fun log?

Yeah!

Look, it really doesn't do anything to me and I've tried.

Yeah, you're just Mr. Natural, aren't you?

Let's get high on life, the body is a temple?

Well, you could say that, actually, sure.

She just did. Go on, try some.

That's not gonna do it.

Only way to do, right?

Boy!

Thank you.

Get in there, pile in the back.

Cliff, wait'll you see this next place.

Come on honey, come to mama!

Okay, here we go. Wake up, Diavolo!

Drive, my man, let's go go go.

What a great car.

Forward, Diavolo, forward. Sorry.

It's all right, sweetheart.

He was... I read that.

A real nut.

I know!

He was mad. Really?

No, no.

Come on! It'll make you feel so good.

No.

Ooh!

Hold it, hold it.

Okay, we're on a roll here. Watch them, watch them!

Into the car, into the car.

Into the car, okay.

I can feel my hair growing!

Hey, baby, it's good dope.

No, it's not the dope. It doesn't affect me.

I explained that.

Drink up, Cliff.

New way of looking at things? I guess so.

You're marvelous. You're a marvelous group, really you are.

Are we?

Very perceptive. Thank you.

Welcome home.

Wow!

Look at this place! It's positively vulgar!

You must be so incredibly rich!

Hey, what? Your art collection, it's on the...

Why you've purposely...

Because...

Chicago!

Your kinda town.

Yes!

But...

Where am I? You're right here.

Where's here? Well, here is where it's at.

Now, come on, don't give me any of that freshman philosophy crap.

I'm talking existential being!

Well, of course you are, gorgeous.

You're very pretty. Like a bright little bug.

A dragon!

Say, boss, check it out. You got my man over here trippin'.

Dude is tripping, what'd you give this dude?

Stay down in front with the car.

Say what?

I thought you said I could take the rest of the night off, man!

Sure, but in the car.

Look, what utterly tasteless furnishings!

Cliff.


So, you're in the entertainment business.

Well, you could call us public servants. Don't we look it?

You know, I think Cliffie is a little tense.

Perhaps a hot bath?

Yeah!

No, no.

I don't think it's tension. I think it's more fatigue.

I really should be going, it's far past my usual bed time.

And let's just say I'm...

I'm not tense.

Yes, you are.

I could feel it Cliff, right up in your...

My latissimus dorsi, you're so right.

It's only natural on a night that could change your life.

Nothing's gonna change my life.

My life is set. What could possibly happen?

How'd you like to come into this business?

The entertainment business? Exactly!

All I wanna do is share my good fortune, my involvement with other people, my world.

Well, I...

I don't know. See, I have a business.

I teach comparative literature at Monroe College.

I'm a full assistant professor now, I...

My father's Chancellor of the College, I'm committed.

Think about it, Cliffie, just think about it.

Your own business. Your piece of the American dream.

Nice company pad, the best employee roster this side of heaven.

Thelma, Karen, Monica, Jasmine.

Now, that's entertainment.

And they'd all be working for you. All for you.

I...

It's all very sudden, I... I have responsibilities, I...

Well...

Soak.

Think about it.

Relax. Enjoy.

Yeah! Yeah!

ETA to splashdown, two seconds!

You dark burnished thing, you!

You beauties!

Ooh, your legs are so muscular for a teacher! Do you exercise?

Well, as a teacher I stand a lot.

Listen, sweetheart, do you think we can use battery operated devices underwater?

Yes! Use them!

I can show you how to play find the gunboat!

This is the best time I've ever had in my entire life!

Do you hear me world? My entire life!

You gonna make it, man?

Yeah, thank you. I think so.

Thank you.

Take care, my brother.


Hello, son.

Hello, Father.

That's a late night.

I guess, a little.

Good morning, Clifford! Breakfast, anyone?

No, none for me. Of course not.

You're probably going to starve yourself to death.

What makes you think that I'd take my own life?

I was speaking figuratively, dear.

But these financial statements. Clifford, cash your paycheck quickly.

Margaret.

Would you please excuse me?

That is private business between the trustees and me.

Forget it, everything's peachy.

Harmon Rousehorn, I'm gonna call him and tell him to cancel his visit, we don't need his endowment check!

Don't you dare. My God!

Honestly, some people just can't take a joke.

I'm gonna water my begonias.

Well, I would prefer for you to hear it from me.

But without the Rousehorn endowment check, this college can't even meet its current payroll.

But we are getting the check.

I mean, Rousehorn's coming in to present it himself.

It's a major endowment. It's in the press.

Look, son, without that check, Monday next the banks are gonna close this college down.

Close it down!

A hundred years of scholarship and public service shot to shit.

I've got to go up and get some winks before my eleven o'clock lecture.

You've got a nine o'clock. Is today Wednesday?

Yes, Wednesday. I thought it was Thursday!

Marianne! Hey, Thomas, there's no class!

Excuse me, please! Thank you.

Morning.

Places please. Let's begin. Sorry, I'm late.

We were discussing the hero's role in chivalry as exemplified by the character of Lancelot in Sir Thomas Mallory's Morte d'Arthur.

Entranced by Arthur's Queen Guinevere, Lancelot, a knight of impeccable virtue, faces a crisis as his idee fixe confronts his libido.

Any comments? Mr. Frankman.

What do you think of Lancelot's crisis?

Well, I think Lancelot was an idiot.

Mr. Frankman, how long have you been in the first year program?

Four years.

Duty, selfless honor, chastity, humility, purity, a devotion to a greater good.

I mean, by now don't any of these things mean anything to you?

All together now.

What is the chivalric ideal?

The Chivalric ideal is one of duty to a higher cause in which purity and chastity are virtues and manly strength and honor are devoted to their preservation.

And justice for all.

Just let it out, though, get to your real feelings.

How does it feel in there? Hey, man, I feel lousy.

Lousy. I feel shitty.

I feel pissed off. Violent, hostile?

Yeah, a little. Great!

Hit me! Hey, man, I can't do that!

What?

Look, you can. You want to.

You have to. I need it!

Hey, man, what's wrong with you? You getting a little kinky?

'Cause if you are it's gonna cost you a little extra, I learned that from the girls.

They learned that from me and that has nothing to do with this!

Now, look, Diavolo, for once, do what I tell you to do and try to do it right!

Now, hit me!

Say, man, what's wrong with you, man? You going crazy or something?

I can't hit you. You want me to call a doctor?

I ain't hitting you, man! Okay!

Okay. I'll make it real easy for you.

I got everything, you got nothing, right?

I'm the boss, you ain't jack shit.

I am white. I don't even know what you are.

Say, man, I'm black.

All right, then try to remember that my grandfather owned your grandfather.

Your mama!

That's good, Diavolo, that's good.

My back! Your ass!

Now, take it easy! Take it easy!

Not the teeth! Say, don't tell me what to do!

You want me to kick your ass and I'm gonna kick your white motherfuckin' ass!

Thank you! Thank you, thank you!

Nice.

Black eye, lacerations, multiple contusions.

Hey, what'd you do, try to roll a sailor?

Doctor Detroit.

He's bad, Mom. Really bad.

Mom, I gotta get outta town.

Now, you heavies can settle this shit, just leave old Smooth out of it.

You mean that's it?

A couple of broken ribs, you're ready to cave in?

Gee, with a partner like you, who needs enemies?

Adios, Mom.

And believe me.

You deserve to get every bit of your cash back.

It's just that... I don't have it.

See Doctor Detroit, he's...

He's your man. God.

Give me that shit.

Are you kidding? He's for real.

I gotta find out more about this Doctor.

Hey, what's that black chick who works for Smooth?

Um, Thelma. Get her busted.

I wanna see just how good this Doctor takes care of his people.

She's busted. Let's do it.

Look out, asshole! Thank you, ma'am, thank you.

Yes.

Okay, Mr. Finkelman.

We have you one way first class Air Togo to the Cook Islands then local service to Rarotonga.

Are you sure you want this just one way?

Right, sweetheart. One way, no return.

In the financial briefing you'll see that each person has their own report as well as what is there.

Now, Arthur, if we could just move forward...

Now, may I have your attention, please, to item six on the agenda, which is the alumni dinner.

As customary, we will be at the Excelsior Hotel in the Orchid Room.

Cliff will introduce Harmon Rousehorn.

Cliff! Cliff, may we have your attention, please?

Um... I'm sorry.

Go ahead, sir.

The President Emeritus will present the honorary degree.

Mr. Rousehorn will make a few brief remarks and then present the college with the endowment check for the Harold Robbins Chair.

Are there any questions? Will there be a fruit cup?

Yes. Yes.

Will there be a choice of vegetables?

No.

Last year there wasn't any fruit cup.

No. And the shrimp were off.

This year there will be a fruit cup.

This is Chancellor Skridlow.

Hello, Cliff? Cliff?

Cliff, I believe this is for you. Would you please make it snappy, son?

This is "Criff". Cliff.

Cliff, good morning. I'm still tingling from last night.

But something terrible has happened, you have to help me!

Well, um, Miss Wu, I'm in a meeting.

Perhaps we could discuss this in class.

Class? Class, my ass! Give me that.

Excuse me.

What is it?

Thelma's in jail and Smooth's gone, so you gotta help her.

Give me that phone! Hi, Cliff, it's me, Karen.

Listen, first things first, you're gonna have to get over here as fast as you can and help us out because this is a big emergency.

I've no time, thank you.

I'm so sorry for the interruption. So are we.

Now, obviously there is no need to stress the importance of the Rousehorn endowment...

Hello?

Hey, Cliff, what's the big idea, anyway?

I mean, you know, after last night a person would think, well what, were you using us?

Listen, I'm in a very important meeting right now with the faculty of my college, including my father, the Chancellor.

Cliff? He's talking about his father.

Shut up. This is Monica.

Birthmark.

Excuse me!

Okay, now listen. I sent Diavolo with the car.

Yo, is Cliff Skridlow here? Cliff, what's happening?

Hey, man, I'm double parked outside, man.

Well, you'll just have to wait.

What the hell is going on around here anyway?

He just got here.

Faculty only!

I'm so sorry about these interruptions.

Are we still in session or is this a coffee break?

No, we are still in session.

And we gotta go, bro.

Well, are you?

I'm coming. I'll be there.

Don't worry about a thing, I'm on my way.

Vietnamese girl distraught, distressed. Urgent.

Needs immediate faculty counseling. I'll be back.

Why, of course.

301. Robert E. Lee Davis-Jackson.

I don't wanna hear anymore about it!

Every time I turn around you're up here in front of me on a traffic violation.

And if it happens one more time, you're gonna be spending your declining years in the slammer!

Now, get outta here. Next case.

Southern tyrant.

Pardon me, are you looking for a lawyer?

No.

Well, would you like to discuss it over a drink?

I know a wonderful, cozy little bar off...

No, no thank you. I have business with the court.

Thanks anyway.

Well, excuse me.

Sir, I have a business proposition for you.

Would you be willing to, part with certain elements of your unique wardrobe for a cash retainer?

I mean... Sell my clothes?

Come on.

If, look, I mean...

If there were thoughts in that direction, I mean, what...

What sort of offer are we kinda talking about?

Well, I wouldn't want to insult you.

You can't insult me. You see, I'm a lawyer.

Talk best price.

I have repeatedly warned counsel not to provoke the court with...

This department 20 and one?

Shh!

Quiet in the court.

Step aside, lackey, or you'll be eatin' my boot.

What is going on?

Exactly, Your Honor! What is going on?

When a flower of the South, a decent girl with a beautiful, good family, is arrested on her way home from her niece's confirmation and booked and incarcerated like a common woman of the streets?

I'm talking about Thelma Cleland of the Cleland Parrish Clelands of Bay St. Luke, Louisiana.

Excuse me.

Where her father, Colonel Judge Bryant Cleland presides over the Cleland County Fifth Circuit Bench.

Now, I demand that you release this girl right now or you'll all taste the business end of a buggy whip!

Bailiff! Yes sir?

Get your ass over here!

You've got a case number? Hell, yes, I do.

It's 20569er, A Alpha R Ranger.

I'll get her.

Shh!

Now, just exactly what is your relationship to the arrestee?

Well, sir, the young woman is my sister.

And I know you can believe that the family honor is at stake here.

You strike me as a gentleman, sir. Surely you must understand.

Why, of course I understand.

My people were related to Jefferson Davis on my mother's side.

I knew it!

I knew it, indeed I knew it, a son of the South!

Son of what?

Of the South, sir! The Confederacy.

Your Honor. What?

Loitering with intent to commit prostitution.

Lewd behavior, soliciting for an unlawful act, bail at 350 dollars, Your Honor.

I can't believe my ears, this is an outrage!

Let me see that thing!

I mean, this is outrageous, ridiculous! Let me see that!

Why, I demand satisfaction!

Get the arresting officer in here! I will tar and feather the scalawag!

Now, hold on, Mr. Cleland. Hold on.

I can release your sister on her own recognizance and dismiss this case in the interest of justice.

Well, thank you, it'd serve my family well, sir.

We'd be very, very grateful.

Do you like shrimp? Indeed, I do.

Yeah well, fine, you can come down to Bay St. Luke, we'll cook you up a whole mess of shrimp.

We got some shrimp in that family. Here, have a Tampa.

Thank you.

Thelma! Bud!

Come on, honey, we're going home. And not a moment, too soon.

Case dismissed.

I can't tell you the indignities I suffered here in this...

Thank you, Your Honor, my father thanks you!

You are entirely welcome.

That girl is colored!

Honey, nobody colored me, I was born this way!

Now, come here, baby, that's all right!

Bye bye! Bye bye, see you later!

Diavolo could have told me you were the black person...

Bailiff, I want that man charged with impersonating a cracker!

Yes, sir!

Cliff, that was just incredible. I can't believe you did that.

How did this happen to you? I was busted, it's an occupational...

I mean, an occasional hazard, you know?

Cliff, I mean... Impossible!

It was never agreed, never mentioned, never discussed.

Come on.

Come on, Cliff, Smooth was very clear about the whole thing.

He said, "I'm gonna be gone two or three days and Cliff's in charge".

Have you even heard of Doctor Detroit?

You see, Skridlow, this guy has got to be a big man.

He's got to be cool. Right.

He's a partner like Mom, but only worse, brother.

Mom?

Are you saying someone's mother is involved in all of this?

Yes!

Boy.

Hey, check upstairs.

I like this. Okay, Mom.

This is nice, this is real nice. A gal could be real comfy in here.

I... I don't believe that you're welcome here and I think that you'd better leave because...

Quiet!

Who is this twerp? Doctor Detroit?

Well, I wouldn't even venture... Don't bother.

My little stable is top drawer high quality.

Am I gonna enjoy running these bitches.

Hey, we don't work for you. We never have and we never will.

You just sit down!

Now, listen!

Smooth's gone, which means your ass is mine, girlie.

Pardon me for just a second, now.

I just, just wanna clarify things here, I...

Now, are you actually saying that these girls are...

They're hookers. And whores.

Hey! Hey, I like this.

Take it. Get this thing here.

Forget that. Hey, I like this.

Ooh, ain't that a beauty?

Ooh, I like this. Here!

Hey!

Okay, now, I want you to stop this, right this instant!

Let's see what else I can find.

I mean that!

Clifford, no, Cliff!

You'll stop!

You'll take your dirty mitts off the fixtures.

Those are Doctor's orders.

Doctor Detroit?

The bad man from Michigan himself. I am his executive assistant.

You touch any of us and his measure of revenge will be most swift and horrible, I can assure you of that!

Damn, Skridlow, talk some shit!

I'm shivering.

Now, come on, boys.

Finish things up and then you can bust junior up here for laughs.

I warn you!

I am extensively read in White Crane Kung Fu... and Hapkido!

Fresh, all right, get down Skridlow.

Okay, okay, don't get your balls in an uproar.

We can always talk. Well, then talk!

Not to you. To the boss.

Me and Doctor Detroit, face to face.

You and Doctor Detroit.

Okay, fine. I'll set up a meeting.

All right.

Between you and Doctor Detroit. Tomorrow night.

At the 126th Street Graveyard at midnight.

Midnight? The graveyard?

What is this?

That's kinda dramatic, ain't it?

Well, that's my offer. Take it or leave it.

Bigfoot!

Come on, come on now, cool it, cool it!

Get down, Skridlow, with your Hapkido self!

Yeah, brother! Show 'em what you can do!

Well, that's it. That's my offer.

Tomorrow night, 126th Street graveyard, midnight.

No excuses, no substitutions.

I don't talk to flunkies.

I'll meet with your Doctor, we'll settle this shit together.

Well, then fine.

If our business here is concluded, I'll kindly ask you to leave.

Leave!

Okay.

Get out!

Tomorrow!

Get out of here, all of you!

Come on, boys, let's get out.

Out with your Raus!

Out!

Scat!

Begone!

Raus!

And don't let the door hit you in your collective asses on the way out!

All right, Skridlow!

Get out, man, that Hapkido shit came in handy, brother.

Right on!

Cliff, you were wonderful, you were a hero!

Our knight in shining armor! So macho!

You really think so?

Are you kidding? Yeah!

Look, but what were they saying earlier about you girls?

I mean, could it possibly be...

Come on, Cliff, you're a big boy. It's a job, we're working girls.

And believe me, honey, we are the best.

You're professionals.

And Smooth was your p...

Does that change anything, Cliff?

All right, don't tell me any more.

I will be your protector, but I won't be your manager, your agent, nor your p...

I can't even say it.

Anyway, it won't be me, it'll be Doctor Detroit.

Now, for now we just maintain.

We go on as before until Smooth returns.

The Doctor will take care of everything.

But above all, don't tell anybody about Doctor Detroit, nor what I'm doing.

Nobody.

No problem. Trust me, baby.

Absolutely.

This Doctor Detroit is bad, B-A-D, man.

He's badder than Larry Holmes, he's badder than Joe Frazier, badder than Ken Norton, badder than Jerry Quarry.

He's even badder than Mr. Clean!

Mom, Mom! It's all over the street!

What?

Doctor Detroit's moving in. They say we're moving out.

The hell you say. I haven't even met the Doctor.

But when I do...

He's dog meat!

I must do the decent thing.

It's such an indecent profession.

But you enjoyed it, though, didn't you?

Yes, but I didn't have to pay.

What about this Doctor Detroit?

What about him?

Somebody has to do the work.

Better him than you.

You?

Me?

Sleep on it.

Yeah.

Okay, sleep on it.

Cliff?

Shh!

Be quiet.

Jasmine?

What are you doing here? This is my room.

Jasmine, where are you taking me? I'm still half asleep.

Quick, quick!

Are you listening to me?

Ooh, Ulysses S. Motherfucking Grant! Welcome to the neighborhood, brother.

Ooh!

Cliff, check out this money, man! Cash money, bro!

I know, but... But where did all this money come from?

The old fashioned way. We earned it.

But... And Cliffie, there are other fringe benefits.

For example...

Oriental baths. Swedish massages.

French lessons.

I know how to speak...

Exotic, erotic, juicy adventures.

It's ridiculous.

I mean, what would men of real virtue do if they were in my position?

I'll tell you one thing, they wouldn't sit around wearing those pajamas, brother.

Here's your hat, Daddy! I picked it out especially for you.

I'm dreaming.

Wages of sin! Give us the money and let us come in!

Wages of sin, wages of sin! Give us your money and let us come in!

Judge not, sonny, lest ye be judged!

Mark well the wages of sin!

Come home.

Father, I want...

I want you, your parental guidance! I need moral support!

Father, can't you do anything to stop this?

Hey!

Clifford, I heard you had some money. Give it to the college.

No more bucks from Uncle Sam. It's gotta come from someplace.

It's filthy money! It's money from depraved sources!

See what money pleasure brings? See what pleasure money brings?

Thanks, my man. I can see where you're coming from.

She's all yours.

This is fun!

My mother's not for sale!

But they're all for sale. All for sale, all for sale...

Not my mother!

Not for the college, not for any money!

Not for anybody! Not for anything!

Not my mother!

Mother, stop, wait!

All for sale, all for sale!

Don't go, Mother! Stop!

Listen, Mother, stop!

No!

No, I will not sell my own mother!

Of course you wouldn't, dear. But it's a sweet thought.

Anybody care to comment on the concept of...

Death before dishonor? Look!

Comments, anyone?

She's pregnant!

No? Good.

Come on, let's go.

All right, see ya!

I need to get some sleep.

Edison used to nap in his lab for two hours.

Napoleon fought a war on four.

Greater men than me have had less sleep.

Son?

Son, I'm glad you stopped by before leaving.

Leaving?

Yeah, well you're going into the city.

Harmon Rousehorn's train is arriving at 11:00 and you have to arrange for the caterers for the welcome dinner here tomorrow night and you have to pick him up at the station.

Here, take the Buick.

And... Get yourself together.

You're a sight.

Rousehorn, train.

Edison, nap.

Two hours.

Yo, Skridlow, what's happening, man?

Hey, where you going, man? Talk, Khyber's.

Union Station, train.

Rousehorn.

Sleep.

What are you talking about, man?

No, wait, man, you've got a meeting with Mom tonight at some graveyard, remember?

You made this date so you got to keep it.

Where's Doctor Detroit, man?

Where's Doctor Detroit?

Doctor Detroit? Yeah.

Doctor Detroit!

I'll make this phone call, I'll take care of everything.

Cool.

Information. What city, please?

Yes, for the city of Chicago. Number of Mom's Limousine Service.

Thank you.

Yes, I'd like to speak to Mom.

Hello. Yeah, yeah, this is Mom speaking.

Hey, hello, Mom?

This is the Doctor. Doctor Detroit.

Yeah, I'm sorry about the static.

I'm on the mobile phone in my car right now and I'm on my way down I-94.

Yes, I came all the way down from Detroit and I'm not very happy about it!

Now, look, Mom.

About our little meeting tonight at midnight, I...

It's not midnight.

No.

I know he said that, but I can't make it at midnight.

Of course it's short notice.

Now, you look!

I mean, look here...

It's your little pink plump rump in the ringer, not mine.

So you make it nine o'clock or not.

Just bite it, buster! Yeah, well, you bite it yourself, Mom.

Bye.

Say, man, how you gonna get away with this playing all that... shit?

Fear not, Sancho.

Say no more.

Let's ask ourselves, what would El Zorro do in a situation like this or Man of La Mancha?

Strategy, purity, bravery.

I am many. I am one.

Yeah, you one crazy individual human being, man.

Come on!

Ooh, ooh, lift me up! That, I want that!

What do you want that thing for?


Right, this is the graveyard we agreed upon.

Um, everybody just, stay in the car.

From inside the jouster's tents, the sound of the armorers accomplishing the knights, busy hammers closing rivets up give dreadful note of preparation.


Damn, he won't show. Sure he will.

I'll give that son of a bitch just another five minutes.

And then what, Mom? Well, I'll wait some more.

I've got all night to kill his ass.


All right now. Which one of you is Mom?

Punctuality is a virtue, my good madame.

Let's chew the fat.

Just what's that supposed to mean?

Nothing personal, Love Chunks, but can we get to it?

You know I hate to come down from Wayne County.

I have businesses in Lansing, I have muffler shops, chicken chains.

I got slums to collect the rent from.

I have a chiropractic practice.

I make adjustments to the human spine.

And this little trip has cut far too much into my professional time.

I figured that since you're hustling my turf we should talk.

I run this town.

Lurking in the dark!

Nasty things! Come out!

Okay, fellas, come on! Come out!

Come on out here, yeah, that's right.

Out here where the Doctor can see you.

Lighten up, come on, Skridlow, be cool, man.

Be cool, don't blow it, man.

You wanna move in on me without permission, without consideration?

You gotta pay!

The Doctor doesn't pay.

That's it?

The Doctor doesn't pay and he doesn't worry.

Now, Mom, if you want trouble, I am talking about scorched earth!

No survival! Wholesale destruction!

Calm down, Cliff.

Please help me, God, I wanna live, I wanna live.

Please bless me. My God.

Body bags and fire, trouble, then you just keep coming on!

You don't know what trouble is, jerk-off!

Mom, I am going to rip off your head and shit down your neck.

Kill him!

Get in the car, get after him! You go there!

Don't shoot!

We were on our way to Leon's for some ribs, man, and he was hitchhiking.

We don't even know this cat, man, he's crazy!

Whoa!

Get outta here!

Go on!

Hey guys! Hey, stop!

I...

I'm Clifford Skridlow! I teach school!

I don't even know these girls! I met them in a restaurant!

I have nothing against you personally!

Jesus, they're serious. They're serious.

My god!

Yikes!

Whoa!

Yeah!

Nothing can destroy the Doctor!

Hey, come on! Get him, get him, get him!

Out of the way, knave!

The battle wages on! Run for your lives! Run!

Mom, you'll never catch me! Never!

Run away, run away!

Guys, we need those girls. You need to stop him, come on!

God, what have I done to deserve this?

What the hell? What the...

Hey, what the hell you doing?

I've got you now, Mom!

What the hell's...

Going up, Love Chunks! Come on!

Yes, this one's on the Doctor.

I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you!

Where are we going?

I hope it doesn't pinch.

Wait, no, come on! This isn't funny!

Shut up, I don't wanna hear you anymore.

We can make deal! Let's make a deal!

Come on, now!

Mom! Let me down!

Goodnight, Mom. This minute!

Cliff! Come on!

Come on, quick!

Drive! Nothing can stop us!

This'll stop 'em!

Charge! Onward through the gates!

Onward to Union Station!

Arriving at Track 14 from St. Louis.

Well, he's got to be there, Harmon. He left here hours ago.

What's the matter, dear? Cliff is late and Rousehorn's pissed.

You're, you're missed, Harmon. I said that we miss you very much.

Arthur, take it easy. I'll be there.

Mister, you want a taxi? Are you a taxi?

No, jerk-off, I'm a person, but I do drive a taxi.

It's right outside.

Can you take me to Monroe College? Sure thing.

Hey, TJ, I got a customer. I'm coming!

Mr. Rousehorn! Mr. Rousehorn!

Is there a Rousehorn in the house?

Mr. Rousehorn!

Okay, let's try again now.

For the 200th time, you got to the train station and?

And he wasn't there, I looked everywhere.

Well, then where is he?

And where is the endowment check for the college?

Father, I haven't the foggiest idea. I really don't know.

Boys, you've been through this all morning.

Now, darling, have some breakfast.

No, no, no, not until I know that Rousehorn is safe and that check is safe with him.

Margaret, I feel that you don't understand.

We have no cash flow.

Without that check, we are over, through, finished, forget it.

Eighty-sixed, no more, history, color it gone.

Don't help. Don't... Don't you help.

My God, no. What is it?

Well, it's the police. See, he's dead.

I hope they found the check.

It's all right, darling. Everything's going to be fine.

Come on, now.

Harmon? My heavens, what happened?

Well, thank God you're safe!

He said he was on his way here, so this is where we brought him.

You need some hot tea.

I kept the case. The check is safe.

I need a shower.

I'm sorry, sir, but I've got to have that blanket back.

That's a city blanket, I signed for it.

Well, listen, there's no need to linger out here.

Welcome to Monroe, you're in the guest room.

All I know is I need a shower.

Well, you're certainly dressed for one.

Now, tell me all about it. How did they get your pants off?

One leg at a time. Of course.

Did they molest you, did you struggle? I want all the details.

Only a benevolent deity could have prevented him from losing that check.

Now, after dinner he is gonna feel so much better.

What time are the caterers coming here? Caterer.

The caterers. For the welcome dinner.

Here, tonight, Rousehorn, half the faculty.

Indian food, the Khyber restaurant.

Don't you dare tell me that you neglected...

No!

No, no, no, no, everything's totally under control, Dad!

Everything's totally and absolutely under control, catering, the chapatis, papadums, raita...

Ha, got the curry, not to worry.

Bye!

Look out, gentleman, please! Excuse me, coming through here!

Gangway! Coming through, coming through!

Please, look out!

Cliff, what is it? Catering! The Khyber restaurant.

I did not do it. I had to do it and I didn't do it in the seconds and minutes and hours, it's not done!

All right, now just wait a minute, now, look, just relax, okay?

Now, what is the problem?

I lost Rousehorn, I've got these term papers to correct.

The college is on the verge of bankruptcy.

My eyes can't focus, my tongue tastes like a skidmark, I need some sleep.

Okay, all right. So you sleep, okay?

Edison survived on two hours of sleep a night.

He took catnaps in his lab.

That's right.

All right.

Catnaps, Edison.

Two hours I'm gonna...

I'm gonna sleep.

This is good.

Sleep.

What do you think I should do about these papers?

Give them all a B.

That's all they deserve anyway.

Yello? Hello, Karen?

Hi, Monica, what's up?

What? He needs catering?

Arrangements? Honey, catering is my middle name!

Karen "Catering" Blittstein. Sure.

I put two sisters through gorgeous, gorgeous weddings and I'm not talking no cocktail franks and miniature knishes, neither.

Karen, shush! Will you just take care of it?

I'll get there as soon as I can. Okay, bye, I love you.

Shit. What?

I don't have time to cook! I'm gonna have to improvise something.

This is refreshing medication.

Now, then, that Harold Robbins Chair.

It's quite an endowment?

More than a penny and less than the national debt.

Now then, like what amount are we talking...

I mean, I don't mean for you to be specific, I mean just generally, you know, in round numbers.

What amount are we talking about? Just about...

For that, Arthur, you'll have to wait until tomorrow.

I want to treasure the look on everyone's face when our corporate generosity is made public.

Absolutely, I couldn't agree more.

Help!

I'm buried alive!

Let me out!

Hello.

Cliff, where are you?

It's 7:30!

What?

What time is it? 7:30!

It is?

Yes!

I'm coming.

Hurry up, get over here!

I'll be right there, I'm gone!

Son! Son, before you change your clothes.

Skridlow. Hello, Fulsom, how are you?

That boy just work, work, work, won't you, Harmon, you don't know my son, Clifford, do you?

He's one of the bright stars of our English department.

We've met. Not on time, but we've met.

This morning, Father, remember?

I'm so sorry about last night, Harmon, er, Mr. Rousehorn, about missing your train, I...

It's in the past.

It is totally forgotten and forgiven.

Let's just say it's in the past.

I just know this is gonna be a lively evening!

Clifford, those girls are wonderful.

You certainly have everything under control.

Girls?

I think I'll take the red caviar and put it on the round cracker.

You think they'll like that, honey?

What's going on here? What is this?

I mean, do you have any idea how college faculty members eat on what we get paid?

A free meal is like honey to a bear to these people!

They're going to want to eat enough to hibernate on.

They're animals!

I mean, where are we gonna get enough Indian food to feed all of 'em?

Swami Diavolo's finger-lickin' Hindu fried chicken, my friend Skridlow.

The rest, as my people say, is up to karma. Don't worry, Cliffie.

Jesus Christ, Karen, you said this was curry.

This is not curry...

Thelma, it will be. Will you calm down? Okay.

Cliff, go upstairs and shower and change and put something on that's nice.

Look a little GQ, would you?

Monica, go outside and schmooze with the people.

Right, Sarge.

Okay, Thelma, come here now, I'm gonna show you.

Take the olive and the pimento, make happy faces, okay?

I like that. Good, okay, here we go.

Well, of course, that was in the Herbert Hoover administration, which in some ways is similar to what we have today!

Margaret, I fail to see any similarity at all...

She's just kidding, Henry. She's a real kidder.

And I was reduced to my underwear. It's been downhill ever since.

My goodness.

You know, you look very tired, Mr. Rousehorn.

You know, wealth and power have a way of robbing a man of his energies, don't they?

That's very perceptive of you, Monica. Very perceptive.

I hear we're having Indian food. I certainly hope so.

Chapatis?

Well, I... I guess they've got a few of those laid in, I...

Hello, won't you excuse us, please? You happy, gorgeous boy?

We're having some nice affair here. Hi, how are you? Nice to see you.

It seems fine, but I'm really worried about the meal, Karen, I...

Wait till you see the entertainment.

What?

Jasmine! Enter!

Hi, Cliff!

My!

Ooh.

She's, she's...

She's terrific.

Come on.

You're ready!

I'm ready.

Okay, you set?

We're set.

All right, fire!

Be careful, now. Too much!

There's a fire! Fire, don't panic!

What are you doing? Stop it!

Skridlow, what are you doing, man? Stop this, please, Cliff!

Leave the arrangements to me, would you?

This shit is so unique, they're gonna love it!

They're gonna love this shit, I know it!

I panicked, I'm sorry, I panicked.

It's okay, it's okay, just none of us eat it, all right?

Your dinner is now served.

Come on, everybody!

Not bad!

Beats fruit cup.

Isn't it marvelous having so many educated palates all in one place?

Is she Indian? I think so.

Mahatma Gandhi never had it so good.

Truly. 'Course, he wasn't that big an eater anyway.

That's funny.

Ooh, sahib, follow me, brother. Muhammad Ali, Allah.

This is great. This is tremendous, they're buying it!

You pulled it off. I can't thank you enough.

Hey, no problem, Skridlow, but thank me in the car, okay, man?

What do you mean in the car?

Well, we have to go into town now, man.

What?

Not me, I'm not going anywhere. I haven't slept in days, Diavolo.

Hey, listen, Cliff, we don't have much time, okay?

The word is on the street. You have to make an appearance.

'Cause the Doctor goes public in about one hour.

Are you crazy?

No, man, you're crazy. You invented the dude, not me.

So I guess I'll catch you in the car, brother.

Come on.

Everyone's talking about how you stopped Mom.

Doctor Detroit has to be on the scene, right?

He has to. Right.

That's the end of it.

Say, man, now put this shit on. Props in the bag.

Terrific, the bag.

I must say, though, ladies, you have given me the most extraordinary week of my life.

Sweetie.

Really.

Aw, man, you know, you're gonna do good out here in the city with that wig and that metal hand.

Lime green pants.

Duty.

Honor.

And responsibility.

Hey, be the Doctor, baby.

Doctor, my man! Give me five, man.

I'll give you 20 and you can keep the change.

You're too much, man, too much, yeah.

See you at the Player's Ball, my man?

All right, all right.

That was great, that was great.

What's the Player's Ball?

Nothing, nothing. Be cool, be cool.

Hi!

My man Doctor Detroit! I heard you wiped Mom out. How did you do it?

You might say I rearranged her front end.

Set it out!

You know you're gonna be king of the Player's Ball.

Ain't no doubt about it.

Beautiful.

Terrific.

All right, what is the Player's Ball they keep talking about?

It's tomorrow night, honey, that's okay I'll protect you.

Tomorrow night I have a prior engagement. I can't go, I can't go.

No, where is it?

Somebody picks a place and we all show up there.

Right.

It's a subcultural event, sweetheart, it's our responsibility to be there.

I can't be there, I can't. I just can't, I can't...

Grab him!

Cliff, what is...

Open your eyes now.

Give him air, give him air.

Tomorrow night is the college alumni dinner.

Where?

At the Excelsior Hotel and I have to be there.

Now, I don't know where or what your Player's Ball is, but I simply cannot be in two places at once.

Yes, you can. Yes, you can, we'll take care of everything.

Right.

Now, how are we gonna do that?

Shh!

Loosen his built.

Karen, get your mind out of the gutter.

Jesus Christ, do you think this is gonna work?

Sure, it'll work.

Sure. Okay.

Yeah, it's Eddie here. Your dime, go ahead.

Yo, Eddie. Yeah?

What's happening? It's Diavolo.

Go ahead, Diavolo.

Listen, Eddie, if the Doctor is king, then he picks and chooses the place he wants to be crowned.

Well, it's gonna go down. This is it, right?

Don't jive me, man.

Well, listen, I'll tell you where it's gonna be. The Excelsior Hotel.

Excelsior Hotel. That's downtown.

Is that right?

I'm pretty sure you're familiar with that area, brother.

Well, I'll ask around, man. Yeah.

Later on.

The Doctor will be there. He better be.

Later.

All right!

The Doctor's A-Team.

First class, top of the line. Come on, let's get ready.

It looks like a fun crowd this year.

You scratched my car, motherfucker!

Insurance my ass!

Psst, psst, Skridlow!

What the hell is going on?

Mother!

Let's...

Shall we?

Psst, psst, psst, Skridlow!

There's Swami Diavolo, the caterer!

Mother that's not him, that's someone else entirely.

I have never before...

They never have a mob here, I...

Really?

Well, when you've got a woman mayor, you...

Doctor ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Doctor ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Doctor ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Doctor ooh-ooh!

What's going on in here?

Doctor Detroit!

Doctor ooh-ooh!

Doctor!

Nothing for us, Mother.

What on earth is this? What's going on?

Um...

Excuse me!

Yo, Skridlow! Hey, man, I gotta talk to you.

Excuse me!

We gotta get...

Excuse me...

Clifford, I see that your friend is here.

Does that mean that you'll be leaving us again?

No, absolutely not.

My duty is to my home, my family, the college, my job, and to you, sir.

He is upsetting the guests. Will you get him out of here?

Sorry.

Sue and Lloyd Miller, can you believe this noise?

You can't even think!

Diavolo, you have to get out of here. You're going to ruin everything.

Cliff, I got to talk to you.

Hey, man, watch out, man.

You been drinkin'? All right, all right.

Hey, man, listen.

You hear those people over there? They wanna see the Doctor.

I can't do it. I can't leave.

I've got to introduce Rousehorn. He's going to give money to the college.

Cliff, you've got to, man.

There are four beautiful women depending on you.

The Doctor has got to be there.

Look, there is no Doctor!

There is if you believe in him, brother.

All right. Quick, before I change my mind.

Straight through the kitchen door, now hurry up.

Come on, man, put the hair on. To the right, to the right.

If my parents ever see me they'll disown me.

Check out the lining in this jacket, man! You might as well wear it inside out.

Do the pants match?

No, they won't work, the lining's purple!

Looks just fine.

Come on.

Come on, move it!

Move it, man, come on!

This is so insane.

I don't know how you made me do this.

Those underwear look nice, man.

How about these tuxedo pants? They were Grandpa Skridlow's.

He had sensitive legs.

He had to have satin near his skin at all times.

Yeah, let's move, let's move.

Doing just fine.

The glasses, the glasses, where...

You got 'em. You got 'em right here.

Hey, you boys get out of the kitchen?

Doctor Detroit!

Doctor ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Doctor ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Say, JB, the Doctor has arrived.

Ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Ladies and gentlemen, players and ladies, high lifers and lowlifes, all you trash with cash, allow me to announce the Doctor is in!


Thank you.

I'm so, so very touched and pleased to be honored in this way, but unfortunately, I have business in another part of the hotel, a prior commitment, actually.

A small chiropractic service I was supposed to perform.

But...

If anybody is a king here tonight, it is this man, Mr. Try Me, Mr. Please Please Please, Mr. This Is A Man's World.

I give you the hardest working man in show business, ladies and gentlemen, James Brown!

Thank you, thank you.

Thank you, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Thank you, excuse me.

Ooh-ooh!

Doctor Detroit!

Excuse me.

What the...

What the heck's going on?

Hi, Mom.

I just saw someone we know. Boys.

How are the hors d'oeuvres?

Mezzo mezzo.

I'm so glad you could join us, Cliff. Thanks, I'm so glad I could make it.

Hey, Fruit Cup. Yes, I'll have one, thank you.

No, I mean you, Fruit Cup. Mom wants to see you right now.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Please, your attention. Your attention please.

Faculty and alumni of Monroe College and guests, tonight is a very special night for the college.

He's introducing him before the entree.

And to explain why, I'll introduce our distinguished guest of honor, himself an alumnus of Monroe, a philanthropist, Doctor of Humane Letters...

Hi, there.

And Chief Executive Officer and Chairman of Rousehorn Consolidated Industries, Mr. Harmon Rousehorn.

You introduced him before the entree.

Excuse me, excuse me.

And our friend, our colleague...

Look out, watch it!


Hey, Doctor, what's happening, baby?

What's moving out there?

Sweetheart, I'm so proud of you!

It is imperative that we leave these premises immediately.

Why?

But the party's just getting started.

Man, what's the matter?

Why do we have to leave?

Mom!

Mom?

That's why.

Mom? Well, who do you think?

No one starts this party without me. Get the son of a bitch!

Look out, Doctor on call! Emergency house call!

Emergency! Doctor on call!

Look out!

Out of the way, move!

I'm gonna kick your ass!

I warn you, I'm a chiropractor! I will use my skill negatively.

There are radioactive isotopes in this bag, stay away!

You're dead!

You're mine, Detroit! You're mine!

En garde, madame!

I have you now at a supreme disadvantage.

Like hell, you have!

Hey, you're crazy!

I'll stick him!

Are you nuts?

And now, in closing, I'd like to present to you on behalf of Rousehorn Consolidated Industries, this meager endowment.

I'm so nervous!

Clifford should be here.

Well, this is a... This is a great, great day for...

I defy you, woman!

Yeah!

Excuse me, excuse me, this is a private party!

Who... Who are these people?

500 on the Doctor?

Excuse me, excuse me, this is a private party.

It's Clifford!

My God, no.

Yes, Mother, it's me.

Aha!

Ha ha!

Okay, finish me. I'm not afraid to die, go ahead.

And I am fortunate in battle and merciful in victory.

Madame, I'll let the room decide. My good people, what'll it be?

No!

So be it!

You're finished in this town, Mom.

Through, banished, exiled in your community.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Doctor is a compassionate man!

Throw this trash bag out and never let her darken Cook County again.

Shut up!

My arm!

You'll pay for this, do you hear me?

I'll be back!

My good people, I pray, a moment of your attention here, please!

One million dollars!

And I thought you were cheap! I didn't mean...

Clifford, you've made us so proud.

I thank you, sir, and the college thanks you and my parents thank you.

And the Doctor thanks you. But the Doctor is no more.

He existed only to banish an evil presence.

And let it be known to all here that the damsels whom Mom would have held captive are free.

My ladies Karen, Thelma, Monica, Jasmine, you are beholden to none.

And Diavolo, my trusted comrade, perhaps we may ride again.

For whenever intimidation and injustice vie with decency and honor, let the Doctors arise, and arise they must.

For within every one of us, there is a Doctor, a dormant Doctor, a supreme arbitrator, who can be summoned to intervene when crises threaten the stabilities and well beings of our heartlands.

Now let's party!

I have endowed a madman. Why couldn't I...

Why couldn't I have gone to Yale? Or Syracuse, even?

Why don't you tell me about it? What's wrong?


Mazel tov!