Doctor Dolittle (1998) Script

They say the great thing about being a kid is, it's so easy to pretend.

You can have a conversation with your dog, or a baseball, or a banana.

Well, what if it wasn't pretend? What if you could have a conversation?

I mean, not with a baseball or a banana - that's ridiculous. But with your dog...

I mean, we don't have the same concept of time that, for instance, people do.

Because you have watches and clocks.

But we do know that you go away. And it's not like we don't know that you're gone.

So, we don't know exactly how long, no.

Why do dogs sniff each other's butts?

Well, that's just kinda our way of shaking hands.

Lf you really wanna get a sense of who somebody is, you gotta sniff their butt.

Son. Stop talkin' to the dog.

She doesn't understand a word.

At first his dad thought "Hey, it's harmless."

But as time went on, John crossed that fine line between harmless and just weird.

Mr Galvin.

Mr Dolittle. This is my son John.

John, this is your new principal, Mr Galvin. Nice to meet you, John.

That's not good.

Nice to meet you. John...!

It was time to put an end to it.

Thank you for coming, Reverend.

Leave this boy, devil man. Go now, Satan. Take the serpent's voices with you.

I command you to come outta this boy. Come on outta this boy.

God said it. Come on!

I'm gonna bite ya.

Get off.

Get this dog... get this dog off of me.

She was my best friend.

You'll make some real friends now.

From that day on, John Dolittle never spoke to animals again.

Someday, you're gonna thank me for this.

And after a while all he could remember was that deep down there was something missing.

And, just like his dad wanted, he grew up to be a regular guy. You know, miserable.

Hey! Hey, get outta here.

Stupid mutt. A vicious animal's in the hallway.

Did I mention he was a father? A lot like his own father, who was a father to him before he himself became...

She's got a giant egg.

Good morning, Charisse. I have changed my name to Paprika.

Paprika? Paprika Dolittle. That has a nice ring to it.

Not Dolittle. Just Paprika.

Well, I don't understand it. What is that about?

You know, Salt-n-Pepa? Paprika?

OK. Paprika. I get it. I think Paprika is a beautiful name.

Really? I think Paprika sounds like a seasoning.

Dolittle. He doesn't take anything we want seriously.

Tell me about it.

I did go over the proposal. It's unbelievable.

OK, I'm on my way in now. Maya, where are you goin' with that?

It's for my swan egg I found. Looks like it'd be a good omelette.

It's gonna hatch any day now. You'll miss that cos you'll be at camp.

I can't go. When a bird hatches, the first thing it sees, it bonds with it. I want it to be me.

You know, it is not healthy for you to spend all your time with your experiments.

An experiment for you would be to spend time with kids your own age at camp, which is exactly where you're goin' this Sunday - camp.

And what about my pet egg?

Here. Here's half a dozen pet eggs to take with you to camp.

Stop it. I don't know what all the fuss is about.

We went and bought you that thing - what was that pet rat thing that we bought?

A guinea pig. The thing died. And it's not our fault.

It didn't die. His name is Rodney and he's in my room.

So why are you bothering me about the swan...?

I'm goin' to work. Goodbye. Bye.

Have a nice day, everybody. Nice day.

Johnny. Gene has got some qualms about the new proposal. Talk to him.

No room for qualms, Gene. No room for qualms.

Qualms are bad. Qualms are bad. Listen to Johnny.

I have qualms I'd like to discuss.

I'm just afraid that if we let a big company like Calnet take us over, you know, we're not gonna be us any more.

You know? We'd be them. Let me explain.

"Them" has the best hospitals, the best labs, and "them" is gonna pay us a very big, giant amount of money.

I swear to God that when I think about the money, I get teary.

Look at me. Those are real tears in his eyes.

So Saturday we're sitting down with the Calnet people. I'm very excited about it.

Hey, wait. Whoa. Saturday morning? I'm supposed to take my family to the country.

Well, don't.

You see? It's happening already.

What? You're being forced to neglect your family.

Gene, relax. No such thing.

Mrs O'Brien? Yes.

How are you? Is your tummy still...?

Saturday morning, guys. Gene, no tank tops, please.

Mrs Parkus. Yes, Doctor?

Mrs Parkus. Have you eaten shellfish again? Just soft-shell crab.

And what's the middle word? Shell.

Rodney's lost. He's not in his cage.

Y'all get goin'. I'll find your hamster.

He's a guinea pig. - Whatever. It's a rodent. I'll find the rodent.

Hey, Nutmeg, let's go.

You better wipe that look off your face.

That's better.

She's turnin' into a wiseass. She's turning into you.

You know, there's more to this HMO deal than money. You sell, they own you.

This will be good for us.

I am so tired of that rap. It's always for us. But sometimes I don't know who "us" is.

What do you mean? Us is us. Me and you and Maya and Charisse.

Lisa, the more money you have, the more time you can spend with your family.

Meanwhile you'll just have to make do with this fancy sports car you always wanted.

Right here. Beautiful. Oh, my God, John. You didn't!

No, I didn't. But I saw how fluttery you got, so don't tell me you don't care about money.

"John, you didn't!" That's not funny.

So, Daddy, you have to find Rodney.

I'll put down some of that sticky paper. No, don't.

Don't worry. You peel him right off it and he'll live.

Tell you what. I will turn the house upside down and I will find Rodney for you. Yes?

And call me if my egg starts to hatch. I will call you ifyour egg starts to hatch.


Let's go. Let's go.

Get in there. And you stay in there.


Mrs Parkus, do you have a death wish?

But I took it out of the shell.

Can I talk to you for a minute? Sure.

You couldn't tell what it was without me? I knew what it was.

She was frightened. She wanted her doctor.

It's a beautiful thing. That's a beautiful thing?

How old are you? 26.

You spend all your time here, right? Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room.

Occasional nooky with one of the interns in the closet.

I have a real life. And I'd appreciate it if you only called me when it was a real emergency.

Lf a patient comes in carrying his own head, call me.

Somebody has a bicycle up their ass, call me. Understand?

Yeah, I understand. So, you want me to give her the injection?

I would not be a smartass right now if I was you.

Making little smart statements to me at two o'clock in the morning after I came...

Is there something wrong, Doctor?

No, Mrs Parkus.

There we go.

OK. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Watch where you're goin' next time, bonehead.

Let me start by saying thank you very much for giving up part of your weekend.

We just want to make sure we can answer any and all of your questions.

We want you to be comfortable with what we're proposing.

And, speaking of which, that explains the details of the buyout.

The information you're probably most interested in is on page four.

Wow, four million dollars. That's pretty comfortable.

I'm comfortable. You comfortable, Geno? I have some questions.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

Are we gonna have to cut back on our staff?

Yes. Unfortunately, we'll have to make some cuts.


No, thank you.

"No, thank you"? Yeah. You offered me some bread.

I don't want any, thanks. So you have no problem with staff cuts?

You gonna share that bread? You just said you didn't want any.

What is it, some kind of joke? Absolutely not.

Bagel chips! Back off or you'll find your nuts in a tree.

Where's the love?

So, John, do you have a problem with that or not? John?

Watch your head. That's enough meeting for me. I gotta go.

This was a great meeting. Very productive.

Wonderful meeting. See you guys on Monday.

I'll talk to you later. 'Scuse me.

Johnny's been on call all night, Mr Calloway. He's very excited.

You gotta move it.

I said let's go. You can't park here.

Oh, jeez. Thanks, man. OK, I'm movin' it. Thank you.

This is ridiculous.

Boy, we got some fresh air here.

That's the thing about the city. You don't realise it...

Whoa. Whoa.

I should've put on my seat belt.

Easy now. Easy now. Slow your butt down! Whoa.

Jeez, Louise! That didn't seem too safe.

My back hurt.

This is a dream. I'm dreaming right now.

Hold it. Stop. You're talkin' and I understand you.

Those guys in my dorm told me that stuff was safe. 15 years later, this starts happenin'.

Let's chill. Let's just chill.

I'm not gonna chill. You gonna chill.

Are you switchin' sides? All right, you. Come on.

Hey, I can't drive. Out. Let's go.

Need some help? No. We're fine.

I'm just stretchin' my legs. Ask her if she's got any lettuce.

Shut your little furry mouth right now. Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah. I'm fine.

That's good. Thank you. Thank you so much.

Goodbye. Now what?


Hey, what are you doin'? Leave me alone.

What are you, nuts? I'll roast. Stay away or I'll kill you.

Don't leave me out here. It's hot. Hey, what kind of doc are you?

Hey, doc. This is cruel to animals.

Come on. I'm your friend.

I'm your buddy.


That's it. Back up. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't run over the cage now.

Man, you scared the crap outta me. See? There it is.

Shut up. Shut up right now.

Say one more word and I'll leave you here in the road. Understand?


Stop. Slow down.

Shut up. I can hear you up there. Shut up.

I'm gettin' whisker-whipped up here.

One more word and I'm gonna pull over, let you out your cage and leave you in the wild.

See how much you talk with real squirrels kickin' in your ass.

Fine, then I'll sing.

You know it is. Turnin' up the radio.

I can't hear you. I'm groovin'. Come on. Let me in.

Hey, why they call me guinea pig anyway? I'm not Italian and I'm not pork.

Grandpa, did Daddy learn how to be bossy from you?

Maya, don't talk to your grandfather that way.

He certainly didn't learn it from his mother, God rest her soul.

One day you'll understand that sometimes your parents do know what they're doing.

I made it. Daddy, what's Rodney doing on the roof?

I thought the fresh air would do him some good, honey.

Hey. Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Hey. Lunatic.

Daddy, we still got those BB guns I used to play with?

Crazy man. BB gun?


Son, I think you need a vacation. And I'm gonna have one too.

This is beautiful. 'Scuse me, honey. Hey, what's that step called?

Let's get rid of Maya's little rat thing.

He's a guinea pig. I don't know why you let him get to you.

I go an' get gim. I guess... Gugga geggond.

I'm not lettin' him get to me. Not the least bit.


I'll be right back. Is it all right if I wait in the bed naked?


Time to come out ofthese drawers, then.


Out here.


There you are. Oh, my God.


That's right. You're the one who can hear us, aren't you?

No, I'm not hearing anything. I can't hear you.

The whole woods are talking about you, you know.

Listen, can you do me a favour?

Can you just take this stick out of my wing? It's killin' me. Can ya, huh?

Don't worry. I won't hurt you.

Much better. Good job. Thank you.

What's happenin' to me?

You're gonna be pleasantly surprised, that's what.

Oh, my goodness. It's an owl. Yeah, a big, nasty owl. Let's go in.

It's beautiful. They're very dangerous.

No, they're not. They are. They can poke your eye out.

Come on! Yes, they can. Very easily.

Take a finger off. What you doin' with that owl?

Go get into bed. I'm gonna go check on Charisse and Maya.

Are you OK? I'm fine.

Are you sure? Get to bed. Please?

OK. Five minutes.

Crazy man! You havin' fun in there.

Can I make a request? Can I get tuna in oil instead of water?

Who put in that bug-zapper?

I'm nasty.

Yo, looky here. Hey, buddy, my old lady asks, I been eatin' trash all night. You dig?

You're on my tail, you idiot.

Got to lose that bug light. I know you can hear me.

Hey, doc, while you're out, get some salmon.

Hey, buddy. All night. You broke Mr Stinky, I think.

Keep away! John? What are you doing?

I have to go back to the city, honey. Wait! John, why?

John, you just got here. I need a doctor.

I mean, I am a doctor and I got beeped, so I gotta go.

I'm very sorry, hon. I'll talk to you later.

I love you so much.



(ringing tone) Come on. Pick up the phone. Pick it up!

Dr. Litvack. Hello, Sam, how are you? It's John Dolittle!

John? How you doin'? So, enjoying your summer?

Jeez, it's really late, John. It's one o'clock in the morning.

Is it really? Wow! I didn't realise it was that late. I'm sorry. I'm on my way into town.

I wondered if you wanted to get together for a drink or a CAT scan or somethin'.

A CAT scan?

Can it wait till morning?

I love you.

No, I have to come right now.

What's wrong? Your face.

I'll hit you so hard you'll see ten more of me. It already smells like ten more of you.

Come on. Bring it on. I'll tear you to pieces.

You are tempting fate now, buddy. Right here, fat boy.

Put it right here. I'll murderise you.

Stick 'em up, you little rat. Hey, come here, you gerbil.

Hey, what are you looking at? Me?

Yeah, you. Who else, buddy?

I'm lookin' at a couple of greasy rats fightin' over garbage.

Come here and say that, you four-eyed dufus biped!

I'll get bubonic on your ass. Come here.

What if I take that light bulb, put it between your butt cheeks and make a rodent lamp out of you?

Let me tell you somethin'. I'm a human. I'm a human.

Hey. Sam, how are you? How are you? Thanks for comin' down, Sam. Thanks.

There's no abnormalities of any kind. All right, then.

Why are you hearing animal voices? Exactly.

Why do I think I am if everything is fine? I tell ya, Sam, I don't wanna wind up like one of these guys on the street, talking to myself and stinking, with my hair all matted. It's not a cool look.

Have you been under any unusual stress lately?

Not really. My wife's been givin' me a hard time about Calnet, but that can't be it.

Small potatoes. I did hit a dog the other day.

Oh, my God! A dog?

Hey, make me feel worse, huh? Well, I'm sorry, but a little doggie?

The dog was fine. It got up and ran off. He was injured?

He felt well enough to scream out "bonehead" before he left.

John, the dog couldn't have spoken to you. Well, Sam, with all due respect...

No, John. The dog did not speak to you.

Maybe you're right. I'm sorry I woke you up for this.


Hi, honey. Are you all right?

I'm OK. Are you sure?

Really. I just freaked out a little bit.

What's wrong? I got stress I been under.

From what? The merger and the practice.

It's all come to a head, and I'm sorry.

OK, John, just come back out here, OK?

Yeah, I'm on my w... Yeah, I'm on my way out now.


I'll see you in a few. John?


'Scuse me. Where's the stray dogs? Right this way.

Yo! What's up?

Hey, buddy.

Over here.

Hey, mister. Bet you I won't bite nobody again.

I am Keyser Soze.

I have owners. They've just been out of town for a few...

..a few years.

Dead dog walkin'. That does not sound good.

When are we gonna get some decent chow in here?

Hey, thanks a lot. Whoa, that was close, huh?

Hey, hey, you got kids? Kids, they're the greatest.

Kids are great! What the hell is goin' on? Hey, you understood me.

You don't say. How come I can understand you talkin'?

I don't know. Maybe you're just weird.

Hey, shut up. You're a dog. Dogs can't talk.

What do you think barking is? An involuntary spasm?

I don't know what it is. I know you're not barking.

And I'm going to be with my family. Good luck to you.

That's it?

It must be that truck exhaust or something. Oh, no! Everything's going black.

It's not good.

Thank you. Oops.

Is that the biggest ass you've ever seen?

Lie down.

Lie down. Lie down, Chauncy.

He's deaf. I'm not. I just can't stand listening to her.

Just don't fix me, OK? Please. Don't fix me.

I won't look at another female ever, I swear.

Anything but my manhood, man. Not my manhood, please! I'm...

Yo, baby, what's up? You lookin' sweet there, sugar. Is it the...

No. Don't, please. Please, ju... No, no, no, don't.

Please, I'm begging you.


Come on.

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well, I really think it's pulmonary distress. And he might have fluid on his lungs.

Let me guess. You're an MD. Yes, I am.

I can always tell when a real doctor comes in. They always do a little amateur diagnosis.

Tell him to get away from my butt. I did go to veterinary school for five years.

Is it just me, or is he hovering around my butt a lot?

And unlike an MD, my patient cannot tell me where it hurts.

Seriously, could you tell him my butt is great?

So, Doctor, if you don't mind...

Hey, where's he's gonna put that?

Look, look, I was faking it, OK? I feel fine. Just don't let him stick that...


Let's just have a listen to those lungs.

I'm gonna swallow it. And I don't mean in my mouth.

Dr Fish, I should pull that out a little bit.

Don't you touch that. It's headin' in. It's goin' south for the winter.

Now, you see? I have to interpret what the dog is moaning about.

What's to interpret? There's a thermometer. It's in my butt.

Take it easy. It'll be over in a minute. What?

Yes. - Well, there it goes. Butt just swallowed it.

Doctor? I'm just guessing, but I think you might have just lost your thermometer.

It's gone.

All right, I have... I have three options.

One: I can manually retrieve it. What's he sayin'?

Options. Retrieve it manually.

Pass. - Two: give the dog a laxative and wait it out.

And three: surgically remove it.

A laxative or surgery. Laxative!

Why don't you just give him a laxative? It'd probably come out later on.

Never works. So what would you suggest?

I'd like to go in manually.

Here we go. Oh, my Lord!

This is not good. Lassie go home!

Why on earth would a guy go into a line of work like that?

All right. That's it for you. Hit the road. What? But I'm your pet.

You are not my pet. lf I were gonna get a pet, I wouldn't get one as annoying as you. Go.

Hey, don't worry about it. You sprung me from the joint. I'm thankful.

Yeah. Just go. Don't worry about me.

I'll just be goin' down the road, disappearing without a trace.

I hope a car doesn't hit me. Oh, well, one less dog.

Dolittle. Hi, Daddy.

Hey, baby. How you doin'? Am I gonna see you before I go to camp?

I'm really workin' on it.

Get outta here.

Daddy, is that a dog? Yeah, but it's a...

Mommy, guess what. Daddy got me a dog. No! Daddy didn't...

Hey. Is that what you've been up to, you sneak?

You caught me.

What? I have allergies.

Yeah, I guess we'll see you at camp.

Grandpa, Daddy got me a dog. He got me a dog.

Can you believe it? My own dog.


They're gonna want to know your name. I don't have one.

We'll have to think of one. Let me see.

A little girl once called me "Please, Mommy, not him." How 'bout that?

Nah, that's not gonna work. You got red hair. How 'bout Lucy?

Yes, I like that. Lucy. Just one problem.

I'm a guy. Really? How 'bout Lucky?

Perfect. Lucky, yes. "Hi, I'm Lucky."

Hey, it works on two levels. I love it.


That's my daughter. Be nice. Oh, you got me a dog. Oh, he's adorable.

Oh, you're such a cute dog.

What's his name? Lucky.

Does he do any tricks? He does a neat trick with a thermometer.

Hey, baby. Hey, baby.

You got her a dog. Yeah, well, I got us a dog.

Are you OK?


Come on, let's get you all set up here.

Come on, Maya. Look at this nice rabbit on your door.

This is nice.

Yeah! What a fun cabin.

You smell the air here?

What a wonderful place. What a wonderful camp.

Daddy, can I go home with you and Lucky?

Hey, Maya. Look, here's the deal.

You stay here for a while, have a great time, then Lucky's all yours.

Three weeks is a long time. Can't I go home with...

No. No camp, no dog.

OK, I'll stay. You're gonna have a great time.

When you get older you're gonna thank me, cos you'll have so many friends. You'll see.

You'll see.

What's the matter with you? Everything's goin' by so fast.

Don't you dare throw up in this car. What are you lookin' at?

The lines on the road. They're just whippin' by.

Lines. Line, line, line, line, line, line.

Don't focus on somethin' so close. Don't look at the lines.


Tree, tree, tree, tree, tree, tree.

Tree, tree, tree.

Sir, could you just...

Who knew?

And not only could he understand me, but it turns out he's a doctor.

Look. Not even a scar.

And it hurt so bad. I don't know what I would have done without him.

Whoo-hoo! Yup.

Oh, what a day.

You have knots all over the place.

I'm all messed up. I'm fallin' apart.

How's that feel? Mrs Dolittle!

Yeah, baby!

Excuse me one second. OK.

Excuse me just one second.

Come on. Let's go. What a gyp.

You mind if I have a little privacy, please?

Oh, yeah, but it's fine when people watch us do it, huh?

Fine to turn on the garden hose.

Hey, you want a tip on a good position?

You were barking. Well, I'm excited.

When I get excited I make all kinds of sounds.

You never barked before. Oh.


Yoo-hoo, doc. We got trouble here. Let's go.

Hey! No. You take the ducks. I'll take the goat.


All right. I'll get the ducks.

What's goin' on?

Mark just showed up. So I'm gonna have to go over the proposal. We have to...

Come on! Don't do that.

Lucky wants me to take him for a walk. So I gotta do that, then I gotta deal with Mark.

Great. I'll be the one cooking breakfast.


Hey, Mark! How you doin'?

You're trying to destroy my life, all of you. Aren't you?

Freeze! Stop right there. Don't you move.

What are you doin' in the hallway? Going to the bathroom. What are you doin'?

I'm p-p-patrolling the hallways. I'm the father. I make sure it's safe while you're asleep.

I patrol these halls. You wait. Don't you move.

The reason you're up this time of night is cos you spend too much time drinkin' liquids.

You're old enough to be able to hold it in. So go on back to bed.

But, Dad, I have to go.

Lucky's in the bathroom right now.

The dog is using the bathroom?

Let me make sure he put the seat down. Then it's your turn, OK? Don't you move.

You heard of knockin'? Not one quack. Not one quack.

Here's the toilet. It's all down like y'all like it, ready for you.

No little sprinklets on it or anything. It's waitin' for you to come and do your thing.

Dad, I don't need adult supervision. OK.

Somebody get this thing off me. Come here.

Get this thing off... Whoa.

Take it easy.

Night, Dad. Night, honey.

Yeah, yeah.

OK, let's go. See what you almost made happen?

What I almost made happen? What did I do?

Beep, beep! We're the sheep. Oh, no.

Not these clones. Where you goin'?

Move aside. Am I late?

Good evening, Doctor. Oh, no, no.

You gonna have to take your fat ass back... I don't...

Oh, my God! What a zoo. Obviously not a kosher establishment.

Everybody, just come in... Where are the chicks? I'm cool.

Landing! Make way.

Very well appointed sty.

What's goin' on? Hey, there's the guy.

What's goin' on? Hey, there's the guy.

I don't know. You know, tell a friend.

Looks like they need to talk to a doctor, doc.

Our butts hurt.

OK, let's do this.

Watch your droppings. This is the house of love.

East coast, west coast, let's unite! Is Brooklyn in the house?

This should take care of the inflammation. But who'll wipe it on for you?

Does Brad Pitt need a goat?

Don't be ashamed. It happens to most men occasionally.

You're probably under a lot of pressure. He's not.

He's not interested because I'm just a pigeon.

But... He's a self-hating pigeon.

That is not true. Ask him what he does all day.

What do... I sit in a tree by myself.

He's too good to eat with the rest of us when the old people feed us in the park.

Can I speak? The way he stares at a robin's breast...

It's enough to make you sick. I happen to be attracted to orange breasts.

You're not a robin. Or a dove or a hawk. You're a pigeon and I'm a pigeon.

I'm sorry. She sits on that nest all day long, and she just gets a little crazy.

May I ask you something? lf I turn this way, don't I look a little like a blue jay?

Poor equilibrium may mean an ear infection.

Or it may be due to this. I'm a social drinker. Very social.

Stand up. Stand up.

Touch your nose and raise your left foot. Nose. Leg.

I don't know. I think you're wasted.

I want to see you walk this line. Oh, my goodness.


You have a drinking problem. I suggest that you stop drinking.

I think you may be an alcoholic. Really?

Nobody likes a drunk monkey. Sorry.

You're suffering from obsessive-compulsive behaviour.


Whenever you want the ball, think about something else.

Just throw the ball. Can you relax your mind?

This is the way it works. You're the person. You throw the ball. I'm the dog. I get it.

Look at you goin'! I'll pee on your carpet.

It's very irritating, this ball thing. Shut up and throw it.

Am I alone here? Am I by myself? Am I in another universe?

Throw the damn ball. He threw the ball. He threw the ball.

I'll get it. Hold on. I'll get it, I'll get it.

I love you. I love you. You threw the ball.

You can't save 'em all, Hasselhoff.

'Ey, is there a doctor in the house?

Up here.

Doc, they're gonna kick me off the force. I'm as blind as a bat.

Can you help me? Just gimme a minute, all right?

All right. Keep it quiet.

Tell me what you think of these.

Holy road apples! I can see! No deskjob for me.

Thanks a million. You are most welcome.

This is gonna be great. I'll make lieutenant. Nothing can stop me. Look, a doughnut shop.

Wow, what a night. All those animals.

Wow, what a night. All those animals.

And I bet that's just the tip ofthe iceberg. When word gets around...

Doctor, you must help us, quick. What happened?

It is all my fault. I should not have let him out.

Calm down. The circus tiger, he will jump.

I told you to stop drinkin'. Drinking. I give it up.

That's better. Let's go. Wait for me. You don't know where it is.

And now, on the day I end it all, I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver.

I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing. It's too late for you. You're a short...

Hey, get outta there. You're in my landing space.

Man! See if you land on your feet, road kill.

Why don't you bloodsuckin' vermin take a break?

Blood sucking! Look out below.

Hey, Lucky, come on. Come on what?

Come on. We gotta go up there. Are you crazy? That's a tiger.

I'm jumping now. Don't try and stop me. Will you come on?

Comin' right up. One order of man, side of dog.

I need a drink.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Oh, no, I just remembered. I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon.

One of the few animals that enjoys that stuff.

Hi. Who are you?

I'm Dolittle. Yeah, well, get outta here.

I'm in a lot of pain and I'm gonna jump. Whoa, take it easy now.

I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help. I don't need a doctor. I need a miracle.

I'm a train wreck. I have headaches, nausea... The worst thing is this double vision.

What's the use? It's not like anybody cares about tigers.

Now stop, you're being silly. There have been lots of loveable tigers.

Yeah? Name one.

How about Tony?

Tony the cereal tiger? I didn't hear you come up with anything.

Remember that song "Eye ofthe Tiger" from Rocky III?

That one from Rocky III, when Rocky was fightin' Mr T, couldn't beat Mr T, Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger", he went back and beat the snot out of Mr T because of that song. It moved him inside.

Not "Eye ofthe Moose", not "Eye of the Bull". "Eye of the Tiger".

That's it. I'm jumping. No, no, don't.

Jump, you big pussy. I'll catch ya - not!

Didn't I say take a break?

All right, doc. Then you jump!

Why do you want to help me? Because I'm the only one who can.

Maybe it's my destiny. And maybe it's yours to be the one tiger everybody remembers.

Why else would I be here talkin' to you? Cos the monkey can't keep his mouth shut.

Are you gonna let me help? What if you can't?

If I can't help, you can eat me and Lucky. Yeah, or just him.

Really? Will you take me back to the circus? I will take you back to the circus.

All right. But don't think I wasn't gonna jump, because I was.

Hope you're a better doctor than you are a singer.

Good job, doc. Although seein' a tiger jump five stories would've been cool.

I heard that.

Hey, Dr. D. Three o'clock, Calnet. Meeting to go over the agreement. You gonna be there?

You're not gonna believe what I got for us. Corporate cars - every two years.

Why aren't you paying attention to me?

Atlas of Feline Anatomy for Veterinarians. But, John, we treat humans.

Hey, Mark, sit down a second. Just a minute.

OK. Do you remember when we started out?

We had crummy offices in the worst neighbourhood and got paid almost nothing.

I've blocked it out. Really?

I guess so, yeah. Those were the most exciting times to me.

It was like, you felt like you were making a difference, you know?

And last night I had to treat some... some emergencies.

And I was challenged, and it was difficult, and I got the same kind of rush I had back then.

I felt like I was doin' somethin', like I was makin' a difference.

And I started thinkin' that here I'm not giving my patients the right amount of attention.

Do me a favour. Don't confide in me. I'm utterly useless. I'm very self-absorbed.

Let's get Geno.

Hey, Geno?

You did your job just by pretending you were listening. It was very helpful.

Anytime. OK.

Calnet, three o'clock. Three o'clock sharp.

This is Dr. Fish. The author of Feline Illnesses and Diseases?

Yes it is. You've read my book?

Have I read your book? I sleep with your book next to your bed. It's my Bible.

Well, some people consider it the definitive work on cats, but Bible? I... I... I...

Well, no, I can... I can see your point.

Dr Fish, I have a very very sick, very very big cat.

I'm concerned it might be serious because his vision's impaired.

And he seems to be in a lot of pain.

Unfortunately, if it is in the head there's only two options.

One is surgery and the other is putting it down.

I have no idea how I'm gonna do this.

I'm gonna try to take care of you. I promise. Just hurry back.

Every minute you're gone I'm one minute closer to death.

I just might hang myself by my underpants.

I can get underpants.

Not really.

He blew off the Calloway meeting. I don't care about that.

I need to speak with John. You wouldn't believe what's goin' on here.


You gotta help me. He's dead. You gotta help me.

He's not dead. Oh, no, no, don't go, old buddy, old pal.

You gotta help him. Really? Why's that?

Cos... cos... cos you're the man. You're the man!

Oh? I thought I was the guy you wanted to get bubonic with.

I'm going towards the light now. I was kiddin'. We were riffin'.

Serious? Come on!

Goodbye, world. I smell flowers.

I'm begging you. Don't let him die. Don't let my buddy go.

I'm sinking fast.

John...! Where have you been? Hi.

What? The meeting.

I had an emergency. Excuse me. Sorry.

Excuse you!

Hang in there, brother. Does it hurt when I do this?

It ain't no day at the dump. Lf he dies...

I don't know what I'll do. He'll eat me.

Only out of respect.

Be quiet. I can't hear while you're talkin'.

Sorry, doc. John.

He said he was suffering from abdominal cramps.

"He said"?

I wouldn't be working on this rat unless it was an emergency. Take a look.

What happened? He's gone into arrest. I don't feel a pulse.

Oh, my God, he's a goner. He's not breathing.

Johnny. Maybe we should shock him, huh?

I don't know. The paddles will be too big. He needs CPR.

You know how to do CPR? I can't even spell it.

OK. I can't even look. Doc, no.

No, Johnny. For Chris sakes.

You didn't even wine him or dine him, doc. I think my friend would rather die.

No tongue, doc.

Come on. I got no pulse. Doc, do somethin'.

John... Not now.

Honey... Lisa, please!

I'm hungry.

It's a false alarm. There's nothing wrong with him. He just has gas.

Whoa, you're telling me! He just had gas.

You're back. I don't care if you stink. I love ya, pal.

Thanks a lot, little buddy. I felt your presence.

Lisa, stop lookin' at me like that.

John Dolittle.

Who'd have ever thought you would end up in a mental institution?

Number one in our medical school class.

Not that I'm jealous, John. Someone had to finish first.

And someone had to finish last too.

So, John. You talk to animals now, do ya?

Would you like to tell me about it? Or would you rather tell Bettelheim?

I don't need to talk to your cat, Blain. Why? Do you think he'd talk back to you?

You know, he just might. And what would he say?

I'd say you were a butthead.

I really like this cat.

He's recommending you stay a minimum often days.

You really think I need to be here for that long?

You said that you can talk to animals.

You know, I can really hear 'em.

I can.

You gotta believe me.

I can't.

Here you go. Your medicine.

OK, then.

I can get you anything you need. Saucers, coasters...

Go away.

Lf you have any extra medication I could use it.

You're not following me, are you? Whoa.

Now, what is all this? This is to prove to me and the world that you can actually talk to animals.

Now, the orangutan is attached to this brain-wave monitor.

Normally he responds to visual stimulation, but since you have got the gift of gab, you won't need pictures to make him respond, will ya?

Get acquainted, John.

OK, listen. I need your help. I need you to make that needle over there move, cos if you don't they'll make me stay here forever. OK?

So just make the little needle jump.

Come on.

I know you can hear me now, so don't play. This is very serious right now.

I guess he's just not a big talker, John.

Look, gimme a break. Say somethin', please.

Please escort Dr Dolittle back to his room.

Wait. You speak Spanish?

That's why he couldn't understand. He's from south of the border.

Remove him. Go. Turn that machine back on.


I'm worried, John.

Who are you trying to fool? You're worrying about Calnet.

John I admit it.

I want the money. I'm not ashamed of that.

Look, here's what I want you to do for me.

Just stop barking and chirping for one day.

Lf you do, I'm pretty sure you can get out of here.

And that'd be a really good idea, because Calloway said if you're not back for Friday's press conference, the deal's off.

If you would do that for me, Johnny, I'll buy you a rat farm.

And you can... you can burp and fart the little rats till you pass out.

But let's just get it signed. OK, my shot.

Pick it up. Pick the phone up, please.

Hi. We're not here. Leave a message.

Hey. Hi, it's me.

I'm really startin' to miss you guys.

I'm startin' to wonder what I'm doin' here too.

Maybe you were right. Maybe it was all my imagination.

Hey, honey, feelin' better? Who's this?

I'll give you a hint. I'm cute, I'm furry and I make 500 babies a year.

Rodney. Get back in your cage.

What's up with that trap behind the fridge? You tryin' to kill me?

Never mind that. Get your little furry ass back in your cage.

Now. I don't want your droppings on...


My son Rodney. Little hairy boy, sleeps in the cage.

I have to keep him in the cage cos he has hygiene problems.

He's not coming back.

I can't believe I fell for it.

Oh, boy, I'm getting dizzy. Man, you don't look so good.

Look who's talking! What do the three of you know?

I'm in bad shape.

My head!

What kind ofa name is Edfora horse?

What kind of a name is Wilbur for a man?

Peanut butter. That's how they got the horse to move his lips.

In the back of the mouth. I disagree, sir.

Side. The side. Look, look. See his jaw?

See? See? The oesophagus, yes.

He's not talking. That's an act. No, no, no.

Finish what you were talking about.

No, he's... Full teeth. Full teeth.

Doc. Out here.

Doc. Hey, over here.

What are you doin' here?

I crossed three freeways to rescue you, and all I get is "What are you doing here?"

This isn't a prison. It's a clinic. The tiger's in bad shape.

The tiger? Listen, forget the tiger.

I had a perfect life until you came along and started talkin' to me.

Now I'm sittin' here in a robe discussin' Mr Ed with these guys.

You've ruined my life enough. Just go away.

Just get outta here, please. This is crazy.

I get it. Now it's crazy to want to save a tiger's life.

Listen, tigers die every day. It's called nature.

Let me tell you a little about nature. I'm a dog, and I act like a dog.

I don't try to be anybody else. We are who we are.

And you are a doctor who can talk to animals. That's who you are.

That is not who I am. Stop lying to yourself.

Didn't I tell you to get outta here? Go. Get outta here.

Get outta here. Fine.

Stop talkin' to me. With pleasure.

You better not come back.

Bonehead. That's all of you.

Leave me alone. Stop talkin' to me.

Ruined his life. That's a laugh.

OK, Blain, look. I wanna go home. So soon? And miss the field trip to the zoo?

Listen. You've hated me since medical school, but we are both adults now. Let's put that behind us.

We both have families. I want to get back to mine. How do I do that?

Well, it's very simple. Stop talking to animals, John.


All right, listen. You're right. I made a mistake.

Maybe it was a case of temporary insanity, but it's over. I don't talk to animals any more.

I'm not convinced. We'll talk again in a month or so, OK?

Tell you what, Blain. You sign my release form and I won't tell our fellow-doctor friends about that pink tutu you keep in your closet.

With the thong back.

Daddy's home. Daddy? Hey, Daddy.

Hey, beautiful, how are you? Oh, I'm fine.

Hey, baby. Wh...?

Why didn't you call me? I wanted to surprise you.

Hey, why aren't you in camp, young lady? Mom brought her home.

I didn't fit in.

You're just gonna have to try a little harder next year. Gimme a hug. I missed you.

Still Daddy's baby, huh? Honey?

Do they know that you left?

No, I escaped. Of course they know I left. I'm better. Time to spend some time with you.

Are you not talkin' to me?

You're sure you're OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Cos I got scared, wonderin' when you were comin' home.

Well, I am back and I'm fine, and everything's gonna be just like it was in the old days.

I know what you're doin'. Two can play at that game. I don't have to listen to you either.

I was thinkin' maybe we should get rid of that dog.

Comin' home empty-handed...! Don't tell me there wasn't a gift shop at the loony bin.

Diane, please call down to Radiology and get me the x-rays on Mr Galvin.

Also, see if Mrs Rivers can switch her appointment to 3.15.

I may need Gene for a consultation. Yes, Doctor.

Gene can you check your schedule and see if you can do a 3.15 consult?

Sure. Good. And Mark.

Did you get back the tests on Mr Freeman? I think they're comin' in this afternoon.

Good. Keep me informed, OK?

Hey, doc, do you think I should get my beak done?

Tell Maintenance we need to put some permanent screens up, set some traps.

This is a doctor's office, not a zoo.

He's back. We're gonna be rich.

This is where he lives, and this is where he exercises.

Does he do aerobics? Yeah, the guinea pig aerobics.

Let's get this show on the road. Put that thing away. You're gonna get your dress dirty.

Pop, help out. I can't be late for this.

But Rodney wants to come. Rodney cannot come.

This is a press conference for people. No animals allowed.

Why don't you tell him? He'll listen to you. No, I am not going to tell him.

Help out.

Come on, Pop.

Can I tell you a secret? Yes.

When Mommy told me what happened to Daddy, I wasn't afraid - I was happy.

Because I believed that he can talk to animals.

Cos I wanted Dad to be weird. Like me.

Is that wrong? No. No, it's not wrong.

It's just, sometimes I don't think he likes me much.

Honey, he loves you.

I know he loves me. I don't think he likes me.

And I really want him to.

I'm gonna try to do things his way.

And stop doing these stupid experiments.

No, Maya.

Don't stop your experiments.

Sometimes daddies are the ones who need to change.

Let me park this car. All right. Come on, girls. Let's go.

Maya. Let me talk to you a second.

We'll be in there in a second. OK.

Hey, listen.

I don't think your egg is a stupid idea. It's kinda cool.

You do? Yes.

You have curiosity and ideas, and that's what makes you special.

You mean weird. I didn't say weird. I said special.

Being weird's not so bad. A lot of the greatest people in history were considered weird.

Like who? Lots of people. Albert Einstein.

With his crazy hair, people thought he was weird. A guy that smart was weird to people.

Muhammad Ali, when he said what round he was gonna knock out people in and screamed "I'm the greatest." People thought that was super-weird.

And Joan of Arc, she heard voices. Like you, Daddy?

Yeah, like me.

Listen, this is what I'm tryin' to tell you. No matter what happens, you be who you are.

And you love who you are.

Cos I love you.

Gimme a kiss.


You know, you're a great person. Oh, thank you.

And a weird one too.

See you inside. OK.

That was beautiful, man.

Lucky! What are you doin' here? Do you have a tissue?

Yes, I do. Right in the back in that pocket over there.

Listen. I'm sorry I ignored you back at the house.

You were the one who said "Be who you are." You were right.

Put me back in touch with the part of me that I'd forgotten years ago, Lucky.

Can you take it easy? I'm tryin' to say somethin'.

Well, then just say it. I'm trying to say it.

What do you think I'm tryin' to say? "I love you, Lucky."

That's not what I'm tryin' to say. Yes, it is.

That is not what I'm tryin' to tell you.

Come on. Deep down inside that's exactly what you want to say.

Come on, now. You'll feel a lot better. Come on.

Let it out. Go ahead. You know it. I know it.

I love you. You love me?

I'm gonna need another tissue.

Where are we off to? We are off to ruin my life.

Wake up!

Hey, doc. You came back.

You need help. I wanna take you for tests.

Tests? That's good, right? Tests? Yeah. Come on.

I hate these stairs.

Take good care of him, doc. He's our star.

He'll be OK.

Great. More steps. Come on. Get in.

Wait a minute. The dog gets to ride up front?

Stop looking at me like I'm a side dish. Don't flatter yourself.

Now, you two guys shut up. Quiet. Hey, look. Jerry.

Can you keep your voice down? He's a big fan.

Hey, Jerry. How you doin', dude? Just goin' for some tests.

I'm fine! "The tiger's fine." I'm sick.

I told you they'd get away. No thanks to you.

No? Three armed guards versus a pigeon - that's a fair fight?

He's not at home and he's not answering his pager. I'm worried.

Mom. Yes?

Guess who Maya brought to the party.

Rodney. Rodney, there you are.

Man... Where the hell is Dolittle?

You know, I just talked to him. He stopped at an orphanage to take care of a sick child.

That is so John. It's so typical of the man. He just cares.

Weller. Take your lips off my butt long enough to hear what I'm going to say.

Lf Dolittle's not here in ten minutes, I'm pulling the plug. You won't have to.

He's gonna be here in five minutes.

I hope so. - He will be. He'll be here in five minutes.


Where's the kitchenette? I gotta get in here. Where's the food?

Rodney. She's comin' to get me.


Who's Rodney? Sorry.

This ain't no kitchen. Smell bad. Must be cookin' chitlins.

Now what's this for?

Somebody help me.

I can't swim.

Aaaggghhh yourself!

Where you goin'? Get me outta here.

Somebody get the license plate number. I have just been violated.

This is where you work? Come on.

Don't throw that away. That's the marrow It's the best part of the bone.

Look who's here. Well, if it isn't Siegfried and Roy!


Lucky, keep an eye out. You rats help him. We don't work for you.

Gimme a break. I saved your life. That's yesterday's news.

You want gratitude, get a hamster.

"Get a hamster." You kill me!

I gotta get help.

Yeah, I got a plate ID on the catnapper.

Do something.

The heart of a hawk. The heart of a hawk.

A chicken hawk The heart of a hawk.

That feels good.

I enjoy my personal relationships with my patients.

You'll get over that. I just might not.

I'm joking. Gene, I'm...

This is the kind of guy who would rather be trudging through the snow with a black bag makin' house calls. Exactly.

That hurt me. Oh, my gosh, I'm sorry.

I may have broken my nose. I think I broke his nose.

Is it broken? Let me check.

Oh, my God! I broke his nose.

Let me take him to X-ray. I'm blackin' out.

Thaaaat feeeeels goooood!

This really hurts. I think... Of course it hurts.

You walked right into a door.

Oh, God, I'm bleeding.

I'm bleeding. Do we have any morphine in the vault?

Hey, guys. John.

What happened to you? I walked into a door.

I crushed his septum. Really?

Look, this is not really a good time. I'm kinda here with somebody. Oh, my God.

I-I-I do not approve. Lisa is a wonderful woman!

Jesus. It's OK.

It's a friggin' tiger. He won't hurt you.

I know him. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Oh, my goodness. I have to sit.

Here's what we do. We tell Johnny we're gonna fix his little tiger up after he signs. OK?

Then we'll have him committed. It's perfect! That way we get our money.

It's shifted to the left. So there's something applying pressure to it.

You can't operate on a tiger. Especially as you don't know the symptoms.

Double vision and headaches. He told me. You'll wind up back at Hammersmith's.

I've been supportive, but if you expect me to believe that a tiger told you his symptoms, I might have to draw the line.

You have to do something. Quick.

We gotta get him into OR fast. It's the only chance he's got.

What about the press conference?

20 bucks says this guy never shows.

Watch your back. Trying to get to the operating room.

Outta the way, please. Clear a spot. We have an emergency here.

Clear the way, please. Comin' through.

There you are. Let's do this. Mr Calloway, Mark broke his nose.

The nose can wait. The press is waiting. I-I-I-I...

We're announcing. I really don't know if we should...

Where were you? I'll explain.

Thank you all for coming, and thank you all for being so patient.

As you all know, the practice of medicine and the business of medicine have been undergoing very big changes in this country.

We at Calnet strive to be at the forefront of these changes.

That is why I'm proud to announce the acquisition of...

This is the life! Hot wings, nuts. I love nuts.

Oh, my! Live prey.

That's a big cat! It's all right. It's OK.

It's OK. He's not gonna hurt anybody.

He's just a very, very sick tiger.

You'd better have a rational explanation for all this.

Mr Calloway, I don't have a rational explanation. I wish I did, but I don't.

Right now I got a sick tiger on my hands. I'm gonna try to save it. That's all that matters.

Dolittle, you go through with this...

So if you'll excuse me...

Stupid cat. Ruined the party. Shut up.

What do you mean, shut up? I was gonna do karaoke!

What the hell is this?

No more bacon. One, two, three, four.

You ain't gettin' through this door.

Make love, not war.

Fur is murder. Free Willy.

Pigs go home. Pigs go home. Pigs go home.


No, no, not you. The police.

Wow, this is great.

Are you OK? The man's comin' down hard, but we're holdin' strong. I got such a chill.

I'm gonna give you a local. It's not gonna hurt.

It'll feel like a little bee sting.

A little pressure. That's about it.

OK? Here I come.

There you go.

He can't do this.

He still thinks he can talk to animals. He can, Lisa. He can talk to animals.

It all started when he was a kid. I didn't know what to do.

What are you saying, Dad? I thought it was a handicap, but it's a gift, Lisa.

Don't you believe it? Look. See for yourself.

I need you to stay alert and tell me if you feel numbness in your paws or on your right side.

Have you ever done this operation before?

Yeah, once in medical school.

But it was to a cadaver.

My professor told me that had my patient not been dead, he would have lived.

Very comforting, doc.

It's like Noah's ark out here. It truly is a remarkable sight.

This collection of animals has prevented San Francisco's finest from entering the building.

Which is apparently where the stolen tiger is being held.

OK, we're open. Gene, irrigate, please.

OK, we're open. Gene, irrigate, please.

All right, Jake, I need you to be alert. Tell me if you feel anything at all.

Can you feel anything now? No.

Just the same old pain.

How about now? You feeling any numbness at all?

I... I can't. I don't know!

Just relax and listen to the sound of my voice, OK?

I'm scared. Don't be scared. I'm not gonna let you go.


What did he say? He said he's a little scared.

Pulse is dropping fast.

His dura is bulging. There's too much pressure.

My left side went numb. Pulse still dropping.

All right. Hey, you just hang in there, OK, Jacob? Hang in there for me.

OK, doc. It's a blood clot. It has to be.

All I gotta do is find it. We're too close to his motor strip. More suction, Gene.

We're losin' him. We gotta relieve pressure. Come on, Jake.

Don't let go yet. We're almost there. I can feel it.

There. There?

OK. OK, here we go.

It's gone. The pain is gone.

Blood pressure stabilising.

It's gone. It's really gone.

He's OK.

Thank you. You are very welcome.

You just lay back and relax. We're gonna have you back in the centre ring in no time.

Why'd you do that?

If he tries to eat me again, I'm gonna smack that moustache off your face.

He's a lunatic. He has a history of mental illness.

He's frankly... He's the most remarkable surgeon I have ever seen. He's here to stay.

He is the straw that stirs the drink. I want exclusive rights to him.

He's dynamic, caring. I can't imagine...

What's the matter? Dolittle. Wonderful work.

Bravo. Bravo, Johnny. I'm so inspired. Welcome aboard.

I feel like I bought a winning franchise. Yeah.

You haven't bought anything. We're not for sale.

Look. We don't need these namby-pamby wacko freaks. It's you and me, straight to the top. You want pigeon? You'll get pigeon.

Are ya happy now? I'm right behind ya.

Hey. Somebody come here.

I think we got birth here.

Hey, hey! Somebody! I see some shakin' in that egg.

I see shakin' in the egg.

Hey, how's it goin', McGruff?

You know what? A Tic Tac wouldn't kill you.

Hey, girl, get up. We got birth comin'.

A swan egg. This is gonna be great.

Come on, girl. One question. What is a swan?

That's my egg hatching. OK, just breathe.

Yeah, here it come, the magic moment.

Oh, no. Just like Jurassic Park. It's gonna kill us.

My swan egg's hatching. It's hatching. It...

Good Lord, doc. What on earth is that?

That would be Maya's brand-new baby alligator.


Momma? Momma? I'm not your momma.

Momma? Oh, no, don't look at me.

Although there was that one time I got drunk in the Everglades...

Doc, wait up.

So, you're gonna treat humans and animals. I love it.

It's no big thing. We're all basically the same.

My thoughts exactly. First I want to move my bowl up on the dining-room table.

Second, no more dog food. That stuff's just gross.

I want my own room, with a TV. Basic cable will be fine.

I hate stories with happy endings.

Yoo-hoo. What?

I didn't say nothin'. Then who...?

Run for your lives. Oh, my God. I don't wanna die.

Hang a left. No, hang a right.

Legs, do your thing. Outta my way.