Dogma (1999) Script

Ladies and gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism Wow!

...Cardinal Glick.

Thank you, thank you.

Now, we all know how the majority...

...and the media in this country...

...view the Catholic Church.

They think of us as a passé, archaic institution.

People find the Bible obtuse...

...even hokey.

Now, in an effort to disprove all that...

...the Church has appointed this year as a time of renewal...

...both of faith and of style.

For example, the crucifix.

While it has been a time-honored symbol of our faith...

...Holy Mother Church has decided to retire...

...this highly recognizable...

...yet wholly depressing image...

...of our Lord, crucified.

Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies.

He came to help us out.

He was a booster, and it's with that take on our Lord in mind...

...that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil.

So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first...

...of many revamps the Catholicism Wow! campaign...

...will unveil over the next year, I give you...

..."The Buddy Christ."

That's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol.

Just something we've been kicking around the office.

But look at it.

Doesn't it pop?

Buddy Christ.

Well, there you have it.

Let me get this straight.

You don't believe in God because of Alice in Wonderland?

No, Through the Looking Glass.

That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter"... an indictment of organized religion.

The Walrus, with his girth and good nature...

...he obviously represents either Buddha...

...or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha.

That takes care of your Eastern religions.

Now, the Carpenter, an obvious reference to Jesus Christ...

...who was raised a carpenter's son, represents Western religions.

Now, in the poem, what do they do?

They dupe all these oysters into following them...

...then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse.

I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says...

...that following these faiths based on mythological figures...

...destroys one's inner being.

Organized religion destroys who we are... inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions...

...out of fear of some intangible parent figure...

...who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago...

...and says, "Do it... Do it and I'll fucking spank you!"

Oh, Jesus!

The way you put it, I've never really thought about it like that before.

What have I been doing with my life?

What am I...? Yeah, I know.

Listen, my advice to you...

...take this money you've collected for your parish...

...go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up.

Find some man, some woman, you can connect with, even for a moment...

...because that's really all life is, Sister, it's a series of moments.

Why don't you seize yours?

Attagirl. Attagirl.

You know, here's what I don't get about you.

You know for a fact that there is a God.

You've been in his presence. He's spoken to you personally.

Yet I heard you claim to be atheist. I like to fuck with the clergy.

I just love it. I love to keep those guys on their toes.

Here's what I don't get about you.

Why do you feel the need to come to this place all the time?

My friend, because this is humanity at its best.

Look at them.

All that anger, all that mistrust, all that unhappiness...

...forgotten for that one perfect moment when they get off the plane.

See those two?

That guy doesn't know that the girl cheated on him while she was away.

She did? Twice.

Nice. But it doesn't matter right now...

...because they're just both so relieved to be with one another.

I like that.

I wish they could all feel that way more often.

Is this why I had to come down here and miss my fucking cartoons?

You call me, you tell me it's important, you know?

What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moments?

We're going home.

Somebody sent us this in the mail.

Take it and quit leering at me. People will think I broke up with you.

You did just say we're going home? Read.

"Cardinal Glick Cuts Ribbon On Catholicism Wow! Campaign."


You have to keep reading.

"The rededication of St. Michael's Church"... is the kickoff of a new campaign...

...which seeks to bring Catholicism into the mainstream.

With a papal sanction, the archway entrance...

...of the century-old Jersey Shore house of worship...

...will serve as a passageway of plenary indulgence...

...a little-known Catholic belief offering all that passes through it...

...a morally clean slate.

For Sunday News Brief, I'm Grant Hicks.

All I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing, and then I can go back home?

No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven.

Then all we have to do is die. Die? I don't wanna die.

You rather hang around here? No. We don't know if we can die.

But what if we can and then the arch thing doesn't work?

What then, hell? Fuck that.

It's impossible. If we cut off our wings...

...and transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal.

If we die with clean souls, they can't keep us out.

We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.

Who sent the paper? Who cares who sent the paper?

All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole.

He can't keep us out anymore.

Once we're back in, he'll just forgive and forget.

But this thing, this is Church law. It's not divine mandate.

Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.

One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first pope... the son of God before he left was:

"Whatever you hold true on Earth..."

"I'll hold true in heaven."

It's dogmatic law. If the Church says it's so, God must adhere.

This thing has a papal sanction...

Let it never be said your anal retentive attention to detail...

...never yielded positive results.

You can't be anal retentive if you don't have an anus.

Outstanding work!

There's just one thing I think we gotta do before we leave.

This will help us get back on his good side.


I've been dreaming about this for five years. Read that.

"Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Creating an empire out of simplicity."

I wanna hit them.

You really are Just a simple creature.

We find a way back and you wanna jeopardize that...

...because you yearn for the good old days.

What better way to repent than by resuming the position I once denied...

...thanks to you?

I don't think a killing spree is gonna make things better for us.

Killing spree? I'm talking about divine justice here.

I'm talking about raining down fire and brimstone, punishing the wicked.

He's all about that. I know he'd want this done.

There hasn't been an Angel of Death since you quit.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

And besides, what if you're wrong, like you always are?

If I'm wrong, which I'm not, it's not gonna matter.

We're gonna pass through your arch thing anyway.

We're gonna be forgiven. No harm, no foul.

Well, he does hate competition. I will say that.

And your Mooby certainly falls under that heading.

Where is this church we have to go to?

New Jersey. Rededication ceremony is in four days.

Last four days on Earth?

If I had a dick, I'd go get laid.

We can do the next best thing. What's that?

Let's kill people.

Oh, not you.

The Illinois Chapter of the Right to Life Foundation...

...will be holding its biannual softball game...

...against the Cook County Pro-Choice League next Sunday at 2.

Today's second collection will be donated... the John Doe Jersey Life Fund.

For those of you who haven't followed the news... unidentified homeless man who was accosted...

...and severely beaten at the New Jersey Shore last Tuesday...

...lies in critical but stable condition in one of that area's hospitals.

He lacks identification...

...and police have had no luck tracking down any possible family.

The archbishop of the Trenton diocese has disputed the state's decision... remove the indigent man from life-support systems...

...asking that Catholics all over the country...

...join in this protest against euthanasia.

Well, now please rise for the recession of faith.

We believe in one god, the Father Almighty...

...maker of heaven and earth.

We believe in Jesus Christ, his only son, our Lord...

Hey, choose life!

You're gonna burn in hell, you fucking baby killer!

Holy shit, it's the pope.


What are you talking about?

Jesus. You're a Catholic. Can't you talk to them?

They hate me more than you, no doubt.

You have an excuse. You're Jewish. You don't know any better.

We already used that excuse when we killed Christ.

Where were you yesterday? We went to brunch.

I went to church.

That still kills me, you and church.

If only they knew your tithing came from a Planned Parenthood check.

I don't know why I still go, Liz.

I can remember going to church when I was young and being moved.

Now I sit there every Sunday and I feel nothing.

I don't think I have any faith left.

Remember that seminary student I tried to set you up with?

The 20-year-old. The one I could have babysat for in high school.

Well, the point is, he told me something.

He said that faith is like a glass of water.

When you're young, the glass is little, so it's easy to fill.

As you get older, the glass gets bigger.

The same amount of liquid doesn't fill it.

But periodically the glass has to be refilled.

You're suggesting I need to get filled?

In more ways than one.

You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane.

You need a man, if only for 10 minutes.

My experience is that the average male is never a man...

...not even for 10 minutes in his entire life span.

That sounds militant. You thinking ofjoining the other side?

Couldn't do it. Women are insane.

Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.

I think God is dead.

The sign of a true Catholic.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Reynolds.

I'm from the EPA.

We're checking on possible Freon leaks.

Tell me, do you have air conditioning?

Yes, we have central air.

In every room?

Except the bathroom. Why?

Well, you know what that means, don't you?


No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater...

...than central air.

Pick that up.

This will be the base of operations from here on in.

Now, if I remember the protocol correctly...

...the powers will attempt to contact the last scion.

I need you three... shuffle her loose the mortal coil.


Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true god!

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true god!

Behold the Metatron!

Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true...

Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?

Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?

I'm soaked and she's the one that's surly. That's rich.

Stubbed my fucking...

Get the fuck out of here, now!

Or you'll do what exactly?

Hit me with that fish?

Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up.

Jesus wept!

Look at my suit.

Take what you want, but don't kill or rape me.

Give over! I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.


I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll.

Make yourself useful and give me that towel.

Honestly, you bottom-feeders and your arrogance.

You think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.

What are you?

I'm pissed off is what I am.

Do you drench everyone who comes in here with flame-retardant chemicals?

No wonder you're single.

Stand back.

As I was saying...

...prior to your fire-fighting episode...

...I am the Metatron.

Don't tell me the name doesn't ring a bell.

You people.

If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?

I am a seraphim.

The highest choir of angels.

You do know what an angel is, don't you?

Metatron acts as the voice of God.

Any occasion when some yahoo claims that God has spoken to them...

...they're speaking to me.

Or they're talking to themselves.

Why doesn't God speak for himself?

Glad you decided to join the conversation. To answer that...

...human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity... withstand the awesome power of God's true voice.

Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode.

We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.

Well, how do I know you're an angel?

What, aside from the fiery entrance and the expansive wingspan?

You want more proof?


How about tequila?

Where the hell are we?

Only place you can go for a good tequila.

Dos tequilas, por favor, and an empty glass.

We're in Mexico?

Actually, we're in the franchised Mexican eatery...

...down the street from your apartment...

...but it's impressive nonetheless.

You don't mind I lost the wings, do you?

I'm trying to keep our profile low.

What do you want with me?

I am to charge you with a holy crusade.

For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.

Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished.

And no one's asking you to build an ark.

All you gotta do is go to New Jersey...

...and visit a small church on a very important day.

New Jersey?

That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.

Aside from the fine print, that's it.

What's the fine print?

Stop a couple angels from entering and thus negating all existence.

Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.

Stop a couple of angels from entering...

...and thus negating all existence.

I hate it when people need it spelled out for them.

You might want to clarify that.

Back in the old days, God was vengeful and hot-tempered.

And his wrath was bore... the Angel of Death, name of Loki.

When Sodom and Gomorrah was destroyed...

...that was Loki.

When the waters wiped out everything except Noah and his menagerie...

...that was Loki. And he was good at what he did.

But one day he refused to bear God's wrath any longer.

Why? He listened to his friend...

...a Grigori by the name of Bartleby.


One of the choirs of angels. They're called Watchers.

Guess what they do.

So one day, Loki's wiping out all the firstborn of Egypt...

The Tenth Plague.

Tell a person you're the Metatron, they stare blankly.

Mention something in a Charlton Heston movie...

...and suddenly everybody's a theology scholar.

May I continue uninterrupted?

Once he's done with the firstborn...

...Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink.

And over many rounds...

...they get into this discussion about...

...whether murder in God's name is okay.

And in the end...

...Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position...

...and take one which doesn't involve slaughter.


...very inebriated...

...Loki tells God he quits...

...throws down his fiery sword...

...and gives him the finger.

Which ruins it for the rest of us because from that day forward...

...God decreed that angels could no longer imbibe alcohol.

Hence all the spitting.

So for their insolence...

...God decreed that neither Loki nor Bartleby...

...would ever be allowed back into Paradise.

Were they sent to hell? Worse.


...for the entire span of human history.

And when the world ends, they'll have to sit outside the gates for eternity.

And this has what to do with me?

Someone has clued them in to a loophole in Catholic dogma...

...that would allow them to reenter heaven.

So what? They beat the system. Good for them.

It's not that simple.

If they get in, they will have reversed God's decree.

Now listen closely because this bit's very important.

Existence in all its form and splendor...

...functions solely on one principle:

God is infallible.

To prove him wrong...

...would undo reality and everything that is.

Up would become down, black would become white.

Existence would become nothingness.

In essence...

...if they're allowed to enter that church...

...they'll unmake the world.

If this is so major, why are you talking to me?

Why doesn't God do something about it?

He could. But he'd rather see you take care of this one personally.

Why me?

Because of who you are.

And who am I?

The girl in the P.J.'s!

Don't ask so many questions. Just serve your purpose.

I'm gonna have to pass.

I beg your pardon?

When some quiet little infection destroyed my uterus, where was God?

When my husband decided...

...he couldn't be with a wife who couldn't bear children...

...where was God?

To hell with him.

Don't allow eons of history and life to get blinked out of being...

...just because of a grudge against your creator.

So you lost the ability to make life.

You're being offered the chance to play mother to the world... acting like one and protecting it.

Saving it!

But I can't make you.

However, if you should decide to stop being selfish...

...and accept your responsibility... won't be alone.

You'll have support.

What? More angels?


In a manner of speaking. Two of them.

The one who speaks...

And he will, at great length, whether you want him to or not. will make mention of himself as a prophet.

The other one...

...well, he's the quiet type.

Look, I've gotta go.

Remember, we're working in a time frame here.


What's he like? God?


...but funny.

He's got a great sense of humor.

Sex, for example. There's nothing funnier...

...than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.

Sex is a joke in heaven?

The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too.

I'll see you.

Snootch to the motherfucking nootch!

Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck Fucks!

Snoogans. Did you see that shit, man?

I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucking pubeless asses!

I don't know what to say or think, except...

That you'll offer us sex as a reward?

That I'd like to know who they and you are.

I'm Jay, and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.

I don't know those kids, but they would have kicked yours...

...and lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.

Well, thanks for being out here so late.

Wait a minute. Are you protestors?

You mean those dickheads with signs and pictures of dead babies?

Shit, no! Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice.

A woman's body is her own fucking business.

But what are you doing hanging around?

We're here to pick up chicks.

Excuse me?

We figure abortion clinics are a good place to meet loose women.

Why else would they be here unless they like to fuck?


Well, I should be going. Thanks for the rescue.

I think. Wait a second.

We just saved your ass, and you're just gonna take off.

What the shit is that?

I had a weird night last night and tonight's not shaping up to be better.

I think I should go home, take some Percosets and lay down.

Now, how about that shit? Fuck this town, man!

I'm going back to Jersey and starting the business again.

I can kick the shit out of kids in Red Bank and make myself a profit.

Prophets. Two of them.

You know what I'm saying, Silent Bob?

You gotta be kidding me.

We call this piece "The Fecalator."

One look at it and the target shits him or herself.

Try it on.

It's a lot more compact than the flaming sword...

...but it's not nearly as impressive.

It doesn't have that "wrath of the Almighty" edge to it.

How am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this?

Look at this.

Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Lay the place to waste like.

Easy for you to say. You get off light in a razing.

You got to stand and read at Sodom and Gomorrah.

I had to do all the work.

What work did you do? You lit a few fires.

I rained down sulfur, man. There's a subtle difference.

Okay, I'm sure.

Fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire.

Raining down sulfur is an endurance trial.

Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can do... to soccer.

I'll take this one.

So, what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob, or you gonna do us both?

If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.

You're a man of principle.

Jersey's pretty far from McHenry. May I ask what brought you here?

Some fuck named John Hughes.

Sixteen Candles John Hughes?

You know that guy too? That fucking guy.

He made this flick Sixteen Candles. Not bad.

There's tits in it, but no bush.

But Ebert here don't give a shit about that kind of thing...

...because he's in love with this John Hughes guy.

He goes out and rents every one of his movies.

Fucking Breakfast Club, where stupid kids actually show up for detention.

Fucking Weird Science, where this babe wants to undress and get down...

...but, oh, no, she don't, because it's a PG movie.

And then Pretty in Pink, which I can't watch with this tubby bitch anymore...

...because when the redhead hooks up with her dream guy...

...he starts sobbing like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit.

And there's nothing worse than watching a fucking fat man weep.

What exactly brought you to Illlinois?

All these movies take place in this small town called Shermer, Illinois...

...where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies.

Except for Judd Nelson. He was fucking harsh.

But best of all...

...there was no one dealing, man.

Then it hits me. We could live like phat rats...

...if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois.

So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus.

But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there?

There is no Shermer in Illinois.

Movies are fucking bullshit.

When are you going to New Jersey?

Jeez, this broad asks a lot of questions.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

Yeah. So you do anal?

Is it true chicks fart if you blast them in the ass?

I didn't ask you out for sex.

I'll take head.

This is gonna sound really bad. I can't believe I'm even thinking about this...

...but I think I should go with you.

What, like steady? You wanna be my girlfriend?

All right, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.

No. I wanna go with you to New Jersey.


You're going to lead me somewhere.

Me lead you?

Lady, look at me. I don't even know where I am half the time.

If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?

Someone said I'd meet you and you'd take me someplace I'm supposed to go.

What the hell are you babbling about?

We saved your ass from some angry fucking dwarves...

...and now we're supposed to take you somewhere as if we know where it is?

Do you believe in God?

Holy fuck! All the fine, immoral bitches out in front of that place...

...and we get the Jesus freak?

Let's get out of here. No, wait.

I'll scream rape. I can pay you.


A hundred bucks for being my guide.

You were going to Jersey anyway. All I'm asking is to tag along.

I feel like Han Solo, you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi...

...and we're in that fucked-up bar!

What about sex?

No sex.

Let's say we're caught in a situation where we have five minutes left to live.

A bomb or something's gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?

In that highly unlikely situation?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah? She's a slut.

All right.

But I get to drive.

What gear are you in?


Well, what do I know about shifting?

Like I ever drove before.

Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania...

...New Jersey.

Maybe you're wrong on the slaughter thing.

How can you be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days?

Times change.

I remember eating meat on a Friday used to be a hell-worthy trespass.

The major sins never change.

And besides, I can spot a commandment-breaker...

...from, like, a mile away.

Bet on it.

This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet...

...about which was gonna be the bigger movie, E. T. or Krush Groove.

You know, fuck you, man, because time's gonna tell on that one.

Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?

Insinuating, no.

Flat-out telling you.

Right there. Right there. There's one.

So? They're kissing.


Adultery? Adultery.

You are just a simple creature.

Am I right or what? I happen to know the truth.

I'm not gonna tell. I wanna see how boned up on the job you are.

What's your proof? He's wearing a wedding band.

And it never occurred to you that maybe she's his wife?

No married man kisses his wife like that.

Okay. Well, it's a good thing you were never...

...the deciding member on a jury is all I'm saying.

"No married man kisses his wife like that"? Are you stoned?

Excuse me.

Are you married?


I'm just curious.

What do you think?

What? To her?

What? Are you married to her?

Not that it's any of your fucking business, but no.


Whose house?

Run's house I said, whose house?

Run's house Whose house Say what?

Run's house Say what?


She's fucking pissed, dude. She's never gonna fuck us now.

Maybe you, but definitely not me.

Let me know how she is.

Nobody is fucking me! You got that?

I don't know what I was thinking in that diner...

...but being that I've decided to go home, and not to New Jersey...

...sorry for the inconvenience, and goodbye.

You're breaking up with us?

Who the hell do you think you are, lady?

You can't just go around breaking people's hearts like that!

I fell in love with you! We fell in love with you!

Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know.

Beautiful, naked, big-tittied women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.

No heartbeat.

Think someone threw him out a plane with a message on him... in Con Air?

Did you ever see that flick? Oh, did that suck!

Con Air? Con Shit. Kill it! Kill it!

Sounds familiar. Jesus, are you okay?

Yeah, it's Rufus. And yeah, I'm fine.

He's the fucking undead! Cut his head off!

Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine!

So if you don't pipe down, I'm gonna yank your sac off like a paper towel.

Speaking of which, you're awfully nude.

Rufus, is it? Yes, Rufus it is.

It's usually Long Rufus, but it's a little cold out here. You understand.

Big Papa, how about lending a brother your coat till I find threads?

Dude, he fell out of thin air.

Dude, his piece is gonna be rubbing inside of your armor.

Dude! Thanks a lot, baby.

I'll do my best to tuck it back.

It's been a while since physics but I would think...

...the impact with which you hit would have liquefied you.

Death is a worry of the living.

The dead, like myself, only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.

Told you he was the undead. Not the undead. The dead.

I died.

Christ told me the secret to resurrection once.

We were at this wedding in Canaan. And I got drunk and forgot it.

Wait, wait, wait.


You knew Christ?

Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks.

Let me guess.

You're another angel? Oh, I ain't no angel.

I'm a man, just like you and him. Well, maybe not him.

At least I was a man.

Been dead nearly 2000 years. Here, check this out.

No wonder he saw Jesus. Homey's rocking the ganj.

It's not a joint.

I can't read this.

It's Aramaic. It says, "Rufus, see you in two years. Jesus."

Freaked me out because he basically told me when my number was up.

Took all the flavor out of the remaining years. We gotta go.

Let's say we continue this discussion over a two-piece and a biscuit.

I'm starving. Back off, Kato.

Wait a second!

Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky...

...and guys trying like hell to fuck me...

...I think I've been a pretty good sport about all this so far.

But I'm not going anywhere until I find out where you came from.

Me? I came from heaven.

Now let's start walking.

Walk? Fuck you! Do you know how far we are from anywheres?

Hey, man, back in the old days with J.C., we used to walk everywhere.

Did you ever hear of a fat apostle?

What the hell's an apostle?

Let me get this straight.

She's already met the prophets...

...and the apostle's with them?

I think that our best course of action... to ensure that our parcel is not found.

And being that I can't even trust you enough to kill a woman...

...well, I'm left with no choice...

...but to seek outside assistance in guarding said package.

I'm gonna have to summon the Golgothan.

I appreciate the loan. You can have that back.

I remember when all we had for breakfast was fish and goat's milk.

What do you call this shit? Egga Mooby Muffin.

Now, how about you start explaining things, like for starters... did you find us?

You know what the dead do with most of their time?

Watch the living. Especially in the shower.

I can't wait to die.

And why are you watching me?

Because you're gonna help me get changes made... that book you put so much stock in.

Hustler? The Bible!

What's your beef with the Bible? For starters, I'm not in it.

Neither are we. You don't hear us bitching and moaning.

But I'm supposed to be in it. I was the 13th apostle.

I've gone to church my whole life and never heard of Rufus, the 13th apostle.

Yeah, but you heard of the other 12 apostles.

Yeah, all white boys, I might add. But no mention of me, Rufus.

And why is that? Because I'm a black man.

But you know what? That's just my pet peeve.

I'm mainly here to correct a major error you've been basing the faith on.

What's that? Jesus wasn't white. Jesus was black.

I don't buy it.

If that's true, why did he get written about and you were left out?

Well, he is the son of God.

Kind of hard to have a New Testament without him.

So you fudge a few facts, you put a spin on his ethnicity.

Leaving me out's okay because you still got 12 white boys to choose from.

You gonna listen to this shit?

That's what the good people of Antioch said...

...right before they stoned my ass.

You were martyred?

That's one way of putting it.

Another way is to say I was bludgeoned by big fucking rocks.

White folks only wanna hear the good shit:

Life eternal, a place in God's heaven.

But as soon as you hear you're getting this good shit...

...from a black Jesus, you freak.

And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy.

A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your savior.

Gonna eat that hash brown?

So you went to heaven?

Damn right I went to heaven! Shit, that's the least he could do.

In the three years I followed his ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid?

Hell, no. And I was in my prime.

I could have been knee-deep in shepherds' daughters...

...not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene.

She had a thing for dark meat.

Maybe this is just me talking, but if I were in heaven...

...I wouldn't care what the Bible said as long as the message was right.

The message is what counts.

But folks who build their faith on that message should be colorblind.

And all my rabble-rousing is not doing that much above.

So I'm gonna need some help down here.

That's why I'm gonna help stop those angels from getting into that church... exchange for you helping me with my campaign.

How do you know about that, the angels?

Isn't much I don't know about you. I find that hard to believe.

When you were 5, you let a kid from next door piss in your hand.

You did that shit? You're nasty.

I never told anybody about that.

Neither did he.

Two years later, that kid died of leukemia.

His name was Brian Johnson. Brian Johnson.

See, your exploits, no matter how inane...

...are well documented in heaven.

Probably hell too.

Where are you going?

Yo, man, tell me something about me.

You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Fuck. Everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

Dude, not all the time. Sorry if I scared you.

Two-thirds of me wants to forget about this and go home.

Yesterday, I wasn't sure if God even existed.

Now I'm up to my ass in Christian mythology.

Let me let you in on a little inside info.

God hates it when it's referred to as "mythology."

Oh, well, then let's ask the "prophets" what we should call it instead.

Where did those two assholes go?

What are you doing?

Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.

What? Long story. Forget it.

We gotta get moving. How can we get to Jersey?

The train. I'll call for reservations.

I thought she looked familiar.

Who? Serendipity.

Morning, shoppers.

Good morning.

Has anyone seen the overnights? No, sir.

We creamed them. All right.

Last night was a rerun, which says to me...

Do I smell onions?

Excuse me.

May I ask what you're doing in my boardroom?

You may proceed, mon ami.

I'm gonna have to start by apologizing.

My friend has a bit of a penchant for the dramatic.

Oh, come on!

Would you just relax? I'm doing it.

Mooby, the Golden Calf.

Created by Nancy Goldruff, a former kindergarten teacher, in 1989.

Bought by the Complex Corporation in 1991.

Broadcast nationally as the Mooby Fun-Time Hour.

Since its inception, has spawned two theatrical films...

...16 records, eight prime-time specials...

...and a library of priced-to-own videocassettes.

Not to mention bicoastal theme parks...

...dubbed "Mooby World."

Did I miss anything?

You forgot Mooby Magazine.

Damn it!

Now, is there a point to this?

You and your board are idolaters.

I can't believe you forgot the magazine.

That's you.

Do you know much about voodoo?

That's a fascinating practice. No real doctrine of faith to speak of.

More an arrangement of superstitions...

...the most well-known of which... the voodoo doll.

You see...

...a mockup of an individual is subjected... various pokes and prods.

The desired result is that the individual will feel those effects.

Call security, now! Yes, sir.

All lines are currently down.

I have to apologize... Would you knock it off?

You're doing it again. Stop. What did we talk about?

You are responsible for raising an icon...

...which draws worship from the Lord.

You have broken the First Commandment.

More than that, I'm afraid not a one of you...

...passes for a decent human being.

Your continued existence is a mockery of morality.

Like you, Mr. Burton.

Last year, you cheated on your wife of 17 years eight times.

You even had sex with her best friend...

...while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.

In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.

Mr. Newman.

You got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party...

...and then paid a kid from the mail room... have sex with her while she was passed out...

...just so you could break up with her guilt-free...

...when she sobbingly confessed in the morning.

She killed herself three months later.

Mr. Brace disowned his gay son.

Very compassionate, Mr. Brace.

Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home...

...and used the profits from the sale of her home... buy an Oriental rug for himself.


Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account... have sex with an 11-year-old boy.

Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls...

...from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe...

...because it was, survey says...

...less costly.

You, on the other hand...

...are an innocent.

You lead a good life.

Good for you.

But you, Mr. Whitland... have more skeletons in your closet than this assembled party.

I cannot even mention them aloud.

You're his father, you sick fuck.

Good. Not bad, right?

That's great work. Very good.


...alone at last.

With the exception of Miss Pryce here...

...there isn't a decent human being amongst you.

Not one.

Do you know what makes a human being decent?


And therein lies the problem.

None of you has anything left to fear anymore.

You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power...

...hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment...

...lives shrouded in secrecy, even from one another.

But not from God.

Forgot my little voodoo doll.

Man, it really looks just like you, doesn't it?

Look, if I believed enough in this...

...I wonder...

Come on. I don't believe in voodoo.


But I do believe in this.

Don't run! Don't run!

Fakes! Fakes! All of you, fakes! Oh, and you!

"But I do believe in this."

What does that mean?

And one to grow on.


Go on. It's okay.

You've done nothing wrong.

These guys were fakes.

You're a pure soul.

But you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed.


You're getting off light.

Loki! I know. I'm coming.

You're so lucky.

I forgot you were down here. How long now?

Three years this August.

Let me guess, 14th apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?

This girl's no woman.

Oh. Those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?

What, these?

You should know better than anyone here that tits don't make a woman.

The tubby, coat-wearing motherfucker's got tits.

What traditionally defines a woman falls between two things:

Her legs.

But as you can see...

...I lack definition.

Hey, they're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!

Oh, God, another angel like Metatron.

How do you know...? How does she know Metatron?

This is the last scion.

You're kidding.

I'm confused.

Bethany, Serendipity here isn't technically an angel.

Nor is she, by any means, a human being like I was and you are.

I used to be an abstract. Now I'm really confused.

I'm a muse, stupid.

I can't take much more of this.

So you, what, inspire people?

What just went down with your friends there...

It doesn't take a muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.

I used to specialize in entertainment.

For example, I'm responsible for 19 of the 20 top-grossing films of all time.

Nineteen? Yeah.

The one about the kid by himself in his house...

...burglars trying to come in and he fights them off...

...I had nothing to do with that one.

Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get grosses up on that piece of shit.

What are you doing stripping?

You remember why I left?

Because you were tired of getting none of the credit for your ideas.

So I opted to quit being a muse and write for myself.

I gave my two weeks' notice, got a body, 50 bucks...

...and got sent out into the world to make my fortune.

So, what happened?

Writer's block.

Can you believe it? Me, a muse, for God's sake.

I can inspire anyone I meet and give out a zillion and nine ideas a second...

...but I can't keep any for myself.

Her quirky sense of humor.

Whose? God's.

You're saying God's a woman? Was there a doubt in your mind?

He's always referred to as "him."

Well, that's not how I wrote it.

But one of the drawbacks to being intangible... that you have no say in the editorial process.

The people that held the pens added their own perspective...

...and all the penholders were men.

So she became a he. Doesn't stop with God either.

The whole book's gender-biased.

A woman's responsible for original sin.

A woman cuts Samson's coif of power.

A woman asks for the head of John the Baptist.

Read that book again.

Women are bigger antagonists than Egyptians and Romans combined.

It stinks.

Why is the last scion here?

Bartleby and Loki. They found a way back.

Not the plenary-indulgence loophole. You know about that?

I always knew that thing was a bad idea.

Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.

You have issues with Catholicism, I take it?

I have issues with those who treat God like a burden instead of a blessing... some Catholics.

You people don't celebrate your faith, you mourn it. lf we're wrong, what religion is right? It's not about who's right or wrong.

No denomination's nailed it yet...

...because they're all too self-righteous to realize...

...that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, Just that you have faith.

Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta wake up.

Look, they made me and Silent Bob part of the gang.

Who fucking farted?

Not born. Shit into existence.

Sweet Christ, somebody wants you bad!

What is that thing? An excremental.

The Golgothan. A what?

A shit demon!

No man of woman born!

Friend of yours? Is this smelly fuck with us?

It came for Bethany!

Smoke that motherfucker like it ain't no thing!

Damn! I knew I was gonna whack somebody today!

Yo, get your fucking hand back.


Go! Go! Go!

Looks like we're in charge of the gang now.

Over the bar! Come on!

Where did that thing come from? Ever heard of Golgotha?

The hill where Christ was crucified?

It wasn't just Christ. The Romans crucified everyone there.

Christ excluded, they were criminals. Killers, brigands, thieves, rapists.

Whenever the crucified expired, their bodies lost muscle control...

...spilling bowel and bladder in the process...

...the result of which is that walking pile of crap there.

The Golgothan shit demon, hell's chief assassin.

And it's here for you, girlie.

Bob, get down! Matches! Matches!

You the man. How?

"Knocks strong odors out."

Way to go, biggie. Why would you ever carry this?


Whoever sent this might send more.

I suggest you take the princess and get as far away as possible.

I'll try to get something out of poopy boy here.

If he tells me something, I'll let you know.

Hello. We'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.

Jersey's sold out, sir. What?

There's one same time tomorrow.

Don't underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State...

...and show up two hours in advance.


Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating...

...what ought to be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.

Bus, schmus.

Why should we fall victim to gravity when we can just as easily rise above?

You mean fly? We got wings, right?

Fuck, let's use them!

I wouldn't suggest that.

You see, kids... wouldn't want to look like a couple of fairies, now, would you?

Look at this pimp. How'd you get out of hell?

I said I was coming up on a routine possession.

I don't have much time. They figure out my ruse, they'll come for me.

What's with bringing us in here? You're inches from getting caught.

Going around killing people, about to uncase your wings.

Don't you know what's going on?

Well, we're going home.

Really. Are you so clueless as to think you can just waltz back into heaven?

Why not? Everybody is looking for you.

Both sides. Above and below.

Orders are to terminate you on sight.

Really? Why?

Because you're pissing people off, that's why.

Word is that God's pissed off at your presumption...

...and I know Lucifer's pissed because you might make him look bad... succeeding where he's failed.

So they're just gonna kill us? They're gonna try.

That's why you have to travel incognito.

Tone down your behavior. Stay off their respective radars.

Quit killing people. That's high-profile.

Oh, lighten up. I can't believe they wanna kill us.

Oh, believe it, boys.

They've even got the last scion looking for you.

Really? You're kidding.

This is huge. Your reentry is a thorn in a lot of sides.

They'll stop at nothing to prevent it.

Meanwhile, I suggest you find an alternate mode of transportation.

If anything else comes up, I'll contact you.

Thank you, Azrael. You're a true friend.

I have to get back to the pit before they get suspicious.

And remember, incognito.

How you coping, kid?

It's weird.

Just when I think I have a handle on things...

...something wholly unbelievable presents itself.

Sometimes I wish I'd just stayed home.

You sound like the man.

What's he like?

He likes to listen to people talk.

Christ loved to sit around the fire, listen to me and the other guys.

Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit...

...he always had a smile on his face.

His oly real beef with mankind... the shit that gets carried out in his name.

Wars, bigotry, televangelism.

The big one, though, is the factioning of all the religions.

He said mankind got it all wrong... taking a good idea and building a belief structure on it.

You're saying having beliefs is a bad thing?

I just think it's better to have ideas.

You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier.

People die for it. People kill for it.

The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now...

...because of the Catholic beliefs regarding this plenary-indulgence shit.

Bartleby and Loki, whether they know it or not...

...are exploiting that belief...

...and if they're successful..., me, all of this ends in a heartbeat.

All over a belief.

I haven't seen the moron twins in a while. How about you?

One time we were at the mall, we tied Tubby to the ceiling...

...and he went flying through the air, fucking crashed through the wall.

It was fucked up.

You two aren't getting into any trouble, are you?

No. We're just about to smoke a fatty with these two suave motherfuckers...

...who just got on at the last stop. This is Larry and Barry.

Hi. Hey.

So Jay tells us you're gonna sleep with him.

Hit this shit, man. It's good stuff.

Oh, fuck.

That's some bad shit, dude.

You hit that?

Yeah, you're bad, dude.

Bad shit.

So why are you heading to New Jersey?

It's just this thing I have to do.

We're going home.

Oh. Do you two live together?

Unfortunately, yes.

So how long have you two been together?

A while.

He can be pretty flaky sometimes, but we have a lot in common.

How'd you meet?

We were stationed together.

See, that's beautiful.

Everybody's always up in arms about this "out in the military" issue.


There's all that macho bullshit about it being "this man's army."

And you two meet there, hook up...

You think we're lovers? No, no. We're not gay.

Oh, God. I'm sorry.

I just assumed. Do I come off as gay?

No. All right.

My ex-husband sort of screwed up my relationship awareness barometer.

You're divorced. That's a nice way of putting it.

I call it being dumped.

I was...

...dumped once.

Don't you just constantly question your value?

Like, why was I so easy to cast aside?

And you wonder if the other party is gonna come to their senses...

...and call you back.

And they always tell you it'll hurt less with time.

When actually... hurts more.

You know what we need?

What do we need?

We need drinks.

We need a lot of drinks.


You're saying you still go to church?

Every Sunday.

Does it...? I mean, does it do anything for you?

It gives me time to balance my checkbook every week.

That's what I'm saying. People don't go to church to feel spiritual anymore.

They go to church and feel bored...

...but they keep going every week just out of habit.

I am so buzzed.

When do you think you lost your faith?

I remember the exact moment.

I was on the phone with my mother...

...and she was trying to counsel me through this...

This thing.

And when nothing she was saying was making me feel any better...

...she said:


...God has a plan."

I was... I was so angry with her.

I was like:

"What about my plans?"

You know?

I had planned to have a family...

...with my husband.

Wasn't that plan good enough for God?

Apparently not.

How about you? When did you lose your faith?

A long time ago.

One day God just stopped listening.

I kept talking...

...but I got the distinct impression he wasn't listening anymore.

How did you know she was listening in the first place?

Well, I guess I don't.

I hate thoughts like that.

But, you know, they come to you with age.

Because when you're a kid you never question the whole faith thing.

God's in heaven, and he's...

She's always got her eye on you.

I'd give anything to feel that way again.

Guess that's why I got talked into this pilgrimage.

Where is this pilgrimage to?

You wouldn't believe me if I told you. Try me.

All right, but I warned you.


I'm going to this church in New Jersey.


Kerwood Mandel to car three. Kerwood Mandel to car three.

See, I'm supposed to stop a couple of angels...

...from going into the church.

They're trying...


They're trying to get back into heaven.

See, they got tossed out of heaven...

...years ago, right?

And if they get back in... proves God wrong...

...and since God is infallible... prove her wrong...

...would, you know, unmake existence.

May I have your attention, please.

The dining car will be closing in five minutes. Thank you.

I feel so stupid...

...just saying it.

The thing I don't get is, I mean... am I supposed to stop an angel?

Two, even!

I guess I'm supposed to talk them out of it or something.

Maybe you're supposed to kill them.

Oh, yeah, right. Kill them.

I mean, even if that were the case, which it's not... do you kill an angel, Barry?

I don't suppose it's much different from killing a human.

Where the hell is everybody? I wake up and...

The apostle. Holy shit!

Rufus, I want you to meet my new friend Barry.

Don't be such a show-off, Barry.

Take it easy, Bartleby. Just let her go.

We can talk about this. Bartleby?

After all this time, it comes down to slaughter by a meat puppet?

Get your fucking hands off me, you dickless son of a bitch!

Save it, lady. Five minutes ago you were aching to top me off.


Holy shit. The apostle.

I didn't come in you, Pete, I swear.

What are you doing here?

This woman has to stop two angels from entering a church.

She means us? No, two other fucking angels.

I'd say there's a pretty good chance. Rufus, we're to be liquidated?

You haven't thought about the consequences of your reentry.

Consequences, schmonsequences.

We're going home, okay? No matter whose pride it may hurt.

It's not a matter of pride! Loki, kill the girl.

Are you high? I can't kill her if she hasn't done anything.

Fine. I'll kill her myself.

What, I fall asleep and everyone takes off?

These guys are fucking flat-leavers. Shut his mouth.

Oh, shit!



The door! The door!

Can't we talk about this?

Why don't I just get off at the next stop!

No ticket.

The apostle is here. I noticed.

Then you know who the chick was, don't you?

The scion, I imagine!

Maybe we should rethink this whole thing.

I mean, you heard the guy. He said there are consequences.

And Azrael tells us we're marked?

There's more to this than we thought of.

I was close.

You know? I was so close to slitting that bitch's throat.

You know how I felt? Righteous.

Justified. Eager, even.

You all right? Your eyes are kind of...

My eyes are open.

For the first time I get it.

When that little innocent girl let her mission slip, I had an epiphany.

See, in the beginning it was just us and him, angels and God.

Then he created humans.

Ours was designed to be a life of servitude and worship...

...and bowing and scraping and adoration.

He gave them more than he ever gave us.

He gave them a choice.

They choose to acknowledge God or choose to ignore him.

All this time we've been down here...

...l've felt the absence of the divine presence...

...and it's pained me, as I'm sure it must have pained you.

And why? Because of the way he made us.

Had we been given free will, we could choose to ignore the pain like they do.

But no, we're servants.


You know, all I'm saying here is that one of us might need a little nap.

Wake up!

Humans have besmirched everything he's bestowed on them.

They were given paradise, they threw it away.

They were given this planet, they destroyed it.

They were favored best among all his endeavors...

...and some of them don't even believe he exists!

And in spite of it all...

...he has shown them infinite fucking patience... every turn.

What about us?

I asked you once... lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them.

What was the result?

Our expulsion from paradise.

Where was his infinite fucking patience then?

It's not right! It's not fair!

We've paid our debt!

Don't you think it's time?

Don't you think it's time we went home?

And to do that, I think we may have to dispatch our would-be dispatchers.

Wait. Wait, wait. Kill them?

You're talking about the last scion, for chrissake.

And what about Jay and Bob? Those guys were all right.

Don't. Don't, my friend.

See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you.

They did me once.

Scion or not...

...she's just a human...

...and by passing through that arch our sins are forgiven.

No harm, no foul.

My God. I've heard a rant like this before.

What did you say?

I've heard a rant like this before. Don't you do that to me.

You sound like the morning star. You shut your fucking mouth!

You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it!

You're not talking about going home, Bartleby.

You're talking about fucking war on God.

Well, fuck that.

I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the throne.

I'm going back to Wisconsin.

We're going home, Loki...

...and no one, not you, not even the Almighty himself... gonna make that otherwise.


Why couldn't we stay on the train? You threw those guys off.

Very basic strategy.

If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.

Why are we enemies?

Well, I know I'd perceive the person sent to kill me as an enemy.

What does that mean? Since when am I supposed to kill anybody?

I'm tired of all this cryptic bullshit.

I'm physically and psychologically exhausted, Rufus...

...and I'm ready to kick back and welcome the end of existence...

...unless you come clean right now.

Why me?

Out of all the people on the goddamn planet, why was I tapped?

Imagine you're a 12-year-old boy.

You're told you're God's only son, but more than that, you're God.

How long would it take to come to grips with something that huge?

Maybe, say, 18 years?

In the Bible, Jesus suddenly goes from age 12 to 30. Twelve to 30.

Now, that's some pretty bad storytelling.

Where are the volumes of text dealing with the missing 18 years?

I'll tell you where.

They were offered up as a sacrifice to the god of ecumenical politics.

You make it sound like there's some church conspiracy... cover up "the truth about Christ."

Oh, bullshit.

Any important material about Christ...

...would give people a better understanding of God.

Why would they leave any of it out? Because it's tied in with his family.

His mother and father. His brothers and sisters.

Jesus didn't have brothers and sisters. Mary was a virgin.

Mary gave birth to Christ without knowing a man's touch. This is true.

But she did have a husband.

Do you really think he would've stayed married to her for all those years...

...if he wasn't getting laid?

The nature of God and the virgin birth, those are leaps of faith.

But to believe a married couple never got down, that's just plain gullibility.


The blood that flows through your veins...

...shares a chromosome or two at the genetic level...

...with the one you call Jesus.

Bethany, you are...

...the great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great...

...great-great-grandniece of Jesus Christ.

So that would make Bethany part black?

I can't do this anymore.

Bethany, where you gonna go? You know what I'm saying is right.

It's bullshit. Bethany.

It's bullshit!

Let her go, man.

Give her time.


What the fuck do you want from me?

I fucking hate you!

I hate you.

He can't hear you, you know.

That's why we needed you.

Why didn't you tell me?

Would you...?

Could you have believed me?

It was something you had to come to gradually.

Only after everything you've seen...

...everything you've heard...

...could you possibly be able to accept the truth.

I don't want this.

It's too big.

That's what Jesus said.

I had to tell him.

You can imagine how that hurt the Father...

...not to be able to tell the son himself...

...because one word from his lips would destroy the boy's human form.

So I had to deliver the news to a scared child...

...who wanted nothing more than to play with other children.

I had to tell this little boy that he was God's only son...

...and it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion... the hands of the very people he'd come to enlighten and redeem.

He begged me to take it all back.

As if I could.

He begged me to "make it all not true."

I'll let you in on something, Bethany, it's something I've never told anyone.

If I had the power...

...I would have.

It's unfair.

It's unfair to ask a child to shoulder that responsibility...

...and to ask you to do the same now.

I sympathize. I do. I wish I could take it all back.

But I can't.

This... who you are.

Everything I am has been a lie?

No, no, no.

Knowing what you now know doesn't mean you're not who you were.

You are Bethany Sloane.

No one can take that away from you, not even God.

All this means is a redefinition of that identity.

The incorporation of this new data into who you are.

Be who you've always been.

Just... this as well...

...from time to time.

Guess this means no more cheating on my taxes.

To say the least.

Do you mind if we adjourn to somewhere...

...a tad more habitable...

...and a bit warmer?

Fuck, man, I think this shit Just kicked in.

Weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?

Going out in style.

The voice. The apostle.

Now, who's this motherfucker?

It's the voice of God. Show some respect.

Oh, the voice of God. Where's the rest of him?

Funny you should mention that. We're not sure.

What? Come on. Didn't it ever occur to you...

...that this Bartleby-Loki situation was well within the sphere of his control?

Yes, but then why was she tapped?

You know those constitutionals that he likes to take?


I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point.

God's a skeeball fanatic.

The Lord has a fancy for the game. He's been playing it for years.

He assumes a human form once a month and indulges.

Doesn't say where he's playing, just goes away for a couple hours.

And he always gives his free points away to neighborhood children.

Isn't that sweet?

But she hasn't come back from one of these day trips, is that it?

No, she hasn't...

...and we've been unable to locate her.

He could've been killed. Human form does have that drawback.

No, there's a different sort of foul play afoot, children.

Whomever has set the renegade angels on their path...

...and is keeping them quite well hidden... also responsible for the Lord's whereabouts.

Were he to be killed in human form...

...he'd have returned immediately to heaven.

Someone knew enough... keep him biologically alive...

...but incapacitate him in another fashion.

And as omnipotent as we are above...

...I have to admit that we're more or less lost without his presence.

We've looked everywhere for him.

I tapped her because I thought we'd be able to smoke out whoever's behind it.

But whoever he is was clever enough to send some lackeys after you... opposed to showing up themselves.

Could it be Lucifer?

Not Lucifer.

If he was, he'd have made his move by now to conquer Heaven.

And I know he's not responsible for Bartleby and Loki...

...because he has just as much to lose by their return as anybody else.

So, what do we do now?

Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.

Why don't we just ask this guy to close the church?

I beg your pardon?

It's the guy in charge of the church thing.

Cardinal Glick?

Maybe we can ask him to shut down the church.

If it's closed that day, those guys can't get blessed or whatever, right?

Good Lord.

The little stoner's got a point.

Maybe we could talk this guy Glick into canceling the rededication ceremony.


Are you saying you're back in, Ms. I Can't Do This Anymore?

I wouldn't want to let the family down, now, would I?


...the prophets finally live up to their titles.

Mass attendance is at an all-time low in this country...

...but if we can let them know the Catholic Church has a little panache...

...we can win them back, even get some new ones.

Excuse me.

Fill them pews, people.

That's the key. Grab the little ones as well.

Hook them while they're young.

Kind of like the tobacco industry. Christ, if only we had their numbers.

We really appreciate you seeing us so late in the day, Your Eminence.

My friends and I have been traveling all night in hope of talking to you...

...about the St. Michael's rededication ceremony.

So you looking to help out in some way, I take it?

We'd like you to cancel the ceremony.

I beg your pardon.

There's gonna be a world of trouble if tomorrow's ceremony goes forward.

Are you pro-choice?

No, no. The trouble's not from us.

It's from renegade angels that have been stuck on Earth since the plagues.

These guys, they think they're renegade angels.

See, padre, it goes down like this.

These guys think that by passing through that archway...

...they can go straight to heaven.

You want me to call off the ceremony for that.

Who sent you?

We were sent by him who is called I Am!

Cute. Really cute.

Kids, playtime with the cardinal is over.

Worked for Moses. Stay out of this.

Your Eminence, it's not a joke.

I'm telling you, man, this ceremony's a big mistake.

The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.

Please! What about the Church's silent consent of the slave trade?

And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?

All right, mistakes were made.

But one can hardly hold the current incarnation of Holy Mother Church...

...responsible for the oversights of old.

I'm an important man with important matters that demand my attention... if you please...

But tomorrow... Tomorrow goes off without a hitch.

Do I make myself clear?

Neither you nor any other influence short of the hand of God himself... gonna keep this thing from going off without a hitch.

I can see the headlines now...

...if there were gonna be any.

"Existence Erased."

Don't worry about it. We evened the score.

Hand it over, Silent Bob.

What up?

You stole the cardinaI's driver?

That's what he gets for messing with our girlfriend. Cross-dressing fuck.

That's sort of sweet. Thanks, guys.

What do we do now about Bartleby and Loki?

I guess we're gonna have to try and kill them.

You said they couldn't be killed. Correction.

They won't be killed.

And just to ensure that, we're all gonna sit tight...

...right here, until those two idiots pass through that arch.

Hey. There's only one idiot here, Azrael...

...and I'm looking right at him.


Just in time to join us for a drink.

Hey. Where'd you come from?

Where'd you come from? Me?


And that's where I'm returning to in approximately, oh, one hour.

All right, Plato, sounds like you've had enough already.

Let's go. Oh, darn it!

Come on, barkeep, just one drink. One for the road, then I'm gone?

I was trying to find you to tell you I figured out who was behind all this.

Is that who I think it is?

None other than. Who is he?

All right, one drink. Then you're gone.

Give me a...

...Holy Bartender.

Never heard of it.

He doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender.

You do, don't you, Muse?


Anybody? No?

Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender.

Get it?

Sweet Jesus, Azrael! Why?

Come on, demon! Try that shit on somebody who's already dead!

Oh, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude...

...and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room.

The Christ bitch will join you.

Are you really that stupid?

You do know what's gonna happen if those two jerks enter that church.

I'm actually counting on it.

And if my calculations are correct...

...the pawns are moving into checkmate as we speak.

"Holy Bartender." I get it. That's a great one!

I'd also like to acknowledge this great state's governor, Elizabeth Dalton...

...for coming here this morning.

True, she's a Protestant, but we're not gonna hold that against her.

Now, let me just tell you a little bit of history about this particular...

...hundred-years-young house of God.

God's house?

God doesn't live here anymore.

He's grown weary of your superficial faith.

He's turned a deaf ear to your lip-service prayers.

He has abandoned you... Sorry.

...his favorites, to the whim ofjudgment.

Hypocrites, charlatans...

...prepare to taste God's wrath.

Maybe we should just leave.

You wanted your body count. You got it.

This lot is rife with sin. We'll judge them all.

Officer McGhee.

All right, mouthpiece...

...let's leave the nice cardinal alone and go for a ride.

Mr. McGhee, don't make me angry.

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Is that so?

Ladies and gentlemen... have been judged as guilty of violations against our Almighty God...

...and this very day...

...I assure you, you will all pay for your trespasses... blood.

Wings. Now. I'm feeling a little exposed here.

Do it!

So he's a muse too? Former muse.

He was kicked out.

Ever the fucking apple polisher.

Then what happened?

Yes, what?

Well, Lucifer just had to start his little war for the throne.

Heaven became divided into two factions...

...the faithful and the renegades.

Oh, the ethereal plains were chaotic with battle.

Angel against angel.

And when it was all over, God cast the rebels into perdition.

But Azrael refused to fight.

He remained in the middle, waiting to see who came out victorious.

What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?


I was an artist, stupid!

I was inspiration!

A muse has no place in battle.

So after the fallen were banished to hell...

...God turned on those that wouldn't fight...

...and Azrael was sent down with the demons...

...something he considers a great injustice.

Oh, come on.

Don't tell me you never questioned the judgment, Serendipity.

No. It never bothered me.

So you were an artist.

Big deal!

Elvis was an artist...

...but that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war.

That's why he is the king...

...and you're a schmuck.


So all this is about revenge.

You're gonna unmake existence because of a grudge against God?

After the first million years? No.

Escape from hell became my all-consuming reason.

So I studied the religions and waited for my opportunity to present itself...

...which it finally did... Catholicism.

Plenary indulgence.

But I couldn't exercise it.

Demons can't become human.

No, we can't transubstantiate.

But angels can.

Bartleby and Loki.

After that it was a simple matter of waiting for a church... celebrate their centennial...

...and when it finally happened I sent the pair an article laced with ideas.

An incantation I picked up in the pit...

...kept them cloaked and off heaven's radars.

And aside from the triplets here and the Golgothan... soul in hell had a clue as to what was going on.

But the Almighty could still putsch the whole deal... I dispatched him in a fairly ingenious fashion.

Her. And how?

That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.

Oh, no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know...

...that you never reveal all the details of your plan... matter how close you may think you are to winning.

The only X factor was the involvement of the last scion here.

But fat lot of good that did, right? I mean, here you all are.

Powerless to stop the inevitable.

Look, asshole, I don't know if anyone explained the rules to you...

...but if you succeed everything gets blinked out of existence, even you.

Human, have you ever been to hell?

I think not.

I'd rather not exist than go back to that.

And if everyone has to go down with me, so be it.

Still thinking only about yourself... fucking child!

Now, now, now.

Things are getting too intense in here.

Hey! What say we watch a little TV?

Yo, put on Channel 9. Davey and Goliath.

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines of current events.

Keep rolling! Keep rolling!

I repeat, men with huge fucking wings...

...have laid waste to St. Michael's!

Bullets don't seem to affect them!

The remainder of the crowd have dropped to their knees...

...identifying this as the fabled apocalypse.

Now, I'm not a man of faith, but I'm inclined to agree.

God, please, don't come any closer! Don't come any closer! God, no!


You see that? And I told them to keep a low profile.

I'd be pissed, but in a couple minutes it's not gonna matter anyway.

Oh, now what was that all about?


Oh, nothing.

I had something in my eye.

Now who's the fucking child?

What did you tell him, to hit me with the golf club?

Are you serious? I'm a fucking demon.

You'd have him assault me with a putter?

You want to play? Then we'll play.

One side, Red.

Go ahead, then. Pick it up. Call it a gift.

Come on.

That's it.

Take a shot.

Take your best fucking shot.

Seriously. I'm not kidding. Take it. Come on.

Come on, bright boy.

Don't you know anything?

Bethany, bless the sink!

What? Just do it!

Bless the sink, damn it!

That's what you get, motherfucker.

But I'm a fucking demon.

What just happened?

He said it himself: "I'm a fucking demon."

Hit a demon with an instrument of God, the pure side will do the most damage.

Holy shit! Silent Bob's an instrument of God?

No, but Glick's the kind of asshole who'd bless his clubs for a better game.

But the sink? You've got the divine heritage.

Sanctifying is just one of the fringe benefits.

Remind me to try the water-to-wine thing at my next party.

How far away is this church? Three towns over, about 10 miles.

Rufus, grab the gun. Ten steps ahead of you.

Take the bartender's car. He won't need it.

The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.

Oh, my God.

And people wonder why I don't go to church anymore.

Are we too late?

To save these poor schmucks?


But we still exist.

Where are they?

They could already be in the church.

So if they come out, nobody touches them.

Are you fucking shitting me?

The brother is gonna shred them with his angel-be-good special...

...ain't you, homey?

If they pass through that arch, they're clean.

And if they die, they go straight up.

And, hello! We know what happens then, right?

Why don't they kill themselves? It's a mortal sin.

Die with a mortal sin and you burn. They don't wanna go to hell.

Then what are we supposed to do, wait for a solution to fall from the sky?

Friend of yours?

No, that was a cardinal.

You can't tell from his face, but the rosaries are a dead giveaway.

It's one of them! Kill that motherfucker!

Don't you listen?

We can't touch him! I wasn't. I was gonna shoot his ass.

He's been at it for a while now.

Please! Please!

We ran out of parishioners... he just started picking up folk off the road and just dropping them.

This is just eons of repression getting purged.

If only they'd let us jerk off, you know?

Take a step back.

Let me go!

Why? What are you trying to prove?

All these people! Hey, this wasn't my idea!

Jesus Christ!

I just wanted to go home.

But him, you know...

...he just lost it.

He realized who you were and what you were gonna have to do.

He just snapped.

And the funny thing is, this guy could never even stand to see me work.

He said he felt sorry for you people.

Now look at him.

This guy's fucking drunker than hell.

Which means he's human now.

His wings have been cut off.



The muse?

Oh, no way!

I haven't seen you... You look terrific.

What's with the tits? Can I...

Have you walked through the arch yet?

Tell me. Have you gone in and come out through the archway yet?


He's back.

We were awaiting your arrival.

Bartleby, wait. Stop. Listen to me.

You can't go through with this. Azrael was just using you.

If you go back...

I've become aware of the repercussions.

I know what I'm doing.

You sick, twisted fuck!


You, of all people, should understand what I'm trying to accomplish here.

You too know what it feels like to be cast aside.

But you've only dealt with the pain a few years.

I've dealt with it for a millennia.

And while you never see your ex-husband...

...or how blissful he is with his new wife...

And he is.

seeing you people every day on this perfect world he created for you... a constant reminder...

...that though my kind came first...

...your kind was most revered.

And while you know forgiveness...

...we know only regret.

The lesson must be taught.

All are accountable...

...even God.

Soon a cadre of police will arrive...

...just in time to kill us as we exit the church.

Then this failed experiment called existence...

...will cease to be.

No. Hey. Hey!

No. No.

I can't let you do that, Bartleby.

This has gone too far.

I might have to take you down.

It's okay.

I'll do it.

My compatriot.

Genocide takes a lot out of him.

He's weakened.

You're weak.

More importantly, he's also a human being...

...a condition which carries two liabilities.

A conscience...


...a short life span.

I'm sorry, old friend, but you lost the faith.

Oh, my God. He's lost it. We're fucked.

We're absolutely fucked! I hear that shit.

I can't believe this shit.

We're on the brink of nonexistence and God's still missing.

What kind of deity gets kidnapped? Amen to that.

What the hell are you doing?

If the whole world's gonna end, you said you'd fuck me.

You're a pig. Nobody's gonna beat that thing.

We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there...

...or we can get making with the love. What did you say?

Make with the love. It's a nice way of saying boning.

No, about John Doe Jersey.

That guy they won't take off life support, John Doe Jersey.

This is where he's at, St. Michael's Hospital.

Where's the nearest boardwalk?

I ain't got time to win you a prize. We gotta get to the fucking.

Where is it? Asbury Park, about five miles away.

Have you been there? Once, with a chick.

We were about to fuck on the carousel and I got sick, started puking.

Do they have skeeball there? Yeah.

That's what I'm talking about.

Whatever you do, stall Bartleby from going into that church.

Bob, come with me. Come on!

How am I supposed to do that? Think of something!

I already did, but it takes two of us!

I repeat, this is not a drill.

This is the apocalypse.

Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion.

Thank you.

Hey, Big Bird!

Ready for the counting game?


Count the shells, Suck-a-Duck.

No more bullets.

Now, what the fuck would you do that for?

Angels have to cut their wings off to become human.

You just did him a favor, stupid!

I hope you're the skeeball type.

Oh, Bartleby.

Was Wisconsin really that bad?

Bow down, stupid!

I'm sorry.

Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence...

...would do well to cover their ears right about now.

What the fuck?

Thank you.

It never ends!

Get off of me. I wanna see what's up.

What the fuck is this shit?

Who the fuck are you, Lady?

Why the fuck did you hug my head?

Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?

What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?

I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.

What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fucking nuts?

What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...

Where was she?

Imprisoned in a body.

Bethany figured it all out. She's a clever girl, that one.

Hang on a minute.

You missed a bit.

Well, then, you ready to go back, apostle?

You ready to make those changes I been talking about?

We'll see. Muse?

Seeing as how you just had to get involved...'re welcome to return with us as well.

First I gotta say goodbye to Bethany. Where is she?

Oh, no.

Metatron, is she...?

Afraid so.

One of the drawbacks to being a martyr is that you have to die.

But no matter.

All is being taken care of.

How so?

Wax on, wax off.

How did I...?

She can rebuild you.

She has the technology.

She can make you better, stronger, faster.


A very relieved deity.

You did well, little girl. I knew you'd come around.

Your kind always does.

So you might wanna take good care of yourself.

We're gonna need you down the road.

I know. I'm the last scion.

Well, you're half right.

You were the last scion.

But now...

...this... the last scion.

I'm pregnant?

Can't put anything past you.

Take care of that parcel for us.

She has a world of work ahead of her.

Thank you for...

...I don't know...


God, there's a million things I wish I could ask you...

...most of it questioning your great plan...

...and that'd be arrogant of me, I know.

But there is one I need to ask.

I'm sure you get it all the time, but how many chances like this will I get?

Why are we here?

Didn't I tell you she was funny?

I really enjoyed meeting you.

It was an honor.

You did so well.

I told you she was a woman.

She's not really a woman.

She's not really anything.

She's something, all right.

Crisis of faith over?

I think I'm now burdened with an overabundance.

When it rains, it pours.

Are you saying you believe?

No. But I have a good idea.


The man was right about you.

Now I'm gonna go home and tell him so.

And if you clean up your language...

...I just might put in a good word for you too.


Why don't you name the kid after me?


Yo, we should go to Quick Stop.

You guys wanna hear something sick?

I got half a stalk when she kissed me. Jay!

I couldn't help it. The bitch was hot.

You can't talk to me that way anymore. I'm gonna be somebody's mother.

You're pregnant?

Yo, I heard pregnant women can have sex into their third trimester.

I'll keep that in mind.

So that would make Bethany part black?