Don Jon (2013) Script

MAN: Yo, not gonna lie.

- This sound... (COMPUTER CHIMES) gets me hard as a fucking rock.

But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat.

I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy.

So I'll start off with some stills.

Then, once I'm getting into it, I start looking for a video.

I never actually touch my cock till I find the right clip.

Then, once I do...


For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away, and the only thing in the world is those tits...

...that ass...

...the blowjob, the cowboy, the doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it. I don't gotta say anything, I don't gotta do anything. I just fucking lose myself.

There's only a few things I really care about in life.

My body... pad... ride... family...

Amen. church...

- boys... (ALL YELLING) girls...


...and my porn.

I know that last one sounds weird, but I'm just being honest.

Nothing else does it for me the same way. Not even real pussy.

And, yo, I get plenty of that.

Why you think my boys call me The Don?

Jonny-Boy! Don Jon, what's good, baby?

What up? You good?

I'm all right. Jonny, look at me.

Everything good with you? - What's the matter with this guy?

Come here, you animal! Get the fuck off of me!

Real talk, real talk. Purple.

That's not bad. It's better than "not bad."

You ain't see her turn around. You calling her a seven?

An eight. At least an eight. That is not an eight.

She's cute in the face, you can maybe call the face an eight, tits are a four.

Yeah, but the butt, man, it's exceptional. I'm telling you. It changes everything.

Shit! What?

Sequins. Don't look. Don't look. - What? Who is that?

You don't remember her? She's coming over here.

'Cause you're staring right at her.


WOMAN: Look who the fuck it is. - How you doing?

Why didn't you call me back? Come on. You're a grown woman.

Did you think I was gonna call you back?

You're pathetic, you know that? Every week you got a new bitch.

Then Why'd you come home with me?

Fuck you!

Eight. No, that might be a nine.

You shitting me? That's a seven. You're out of your fucking mind!

I gave you the eight, your record's intact. Chill out.

You heard what she said? Everyone knows about the streak.

You're sick. You know that? - I don't know what's wrong with me.

Oh, my... damn! What? What? Where?

Red. Holy shit! That's a dime.

That is a dime. - Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.

I don't even mess with blondes like that, but that there is a dime!

Fuck yeah. I don't know, there might be some lasagna up in there. I don't think so.

Definitely not. She keep her shit tight, you can tell.

No. I don't know. - See, he likes that skinny shit.

He likes that skinny, high-fashion, looks-like-a-boy shit.

Fuck you! Admit it!

He's kind of right, man, you do. - I don't like more than a handful of titty.

No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like no!

Shit starts to remind me of my Mom or something.

Jesus Christ. - Your Mom do got some big-ass titties.

Don't talk about my Mother. You brought up your Mother.

If you don't like that, there's something wrong with you.

I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it's not a dime.

That's incorrect. She's taller than you anyway.

Fuck you, Jonny. I'm playing, come on.

You gonna get that?

WOMAN: Let me get a vodka-cranberry.

Jonny! Sammy-boy, how you doing?

You good? - Let me get a Grey Goose and soda.


What makes you think you could do that? - Do what?

Get the fuck out of here. You wanna go somewhere?

Fuck you. You wanna fuck me?

Is that why you kissed me? I didn't kiss you.

Yeah, you did.

Stop it, I mean it. Stop it. (LAUGHS)

Come on. Let me buy you a drink. It's early.

Where you going? I told you where I was going.

Come on! Wait a minute!



Yo. Headband.

Nah, I don't know.




JON: See? This is what I'm saying.

Real pussy's all good. But I'm sorry.

It's not as good as porn.






Sure, it's fucking fantastic in person... if she'll do it.

But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head.

Lower. Not that low!

JON: I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is, they're fucking crazy.

Don't get me wrong, I like a good pussy-eating clip.

But, from down here, there's nothing good about this.


JON: And if she does finally decide to do you the big favor...

...she's in a fucking hurry.

Now, when it comes to the actual fucking...

First of all, condoms are terrible. They just are.

But you gotta wear one, 'cause, - unlike porn, real pussy can kill you. - (WOMAN MOANS)

Second of all, missionary is the worst position in all of fucking.

The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass, you can't touch her ass, 'cause she's lying on her back.

They won't let you do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you.

And basically it's on me to do all the work.

Moneyshot? No. There is no real-life moneyshot.

Real girls won't do that shit. You just gotta cum into the fucking condom.


JON: So, you tell me, which looks better?




Jesus! What are you fucking retarded?! You're fucking retarded!

You're a retarded person and you're driving a fucking car!



JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week since my last confession.

PRIEST: Tell me your sins. - Since last Sunday, I had sexual relations out of wedlock two times. I also watched pornographic videos and masturbated 17 times.

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. - Thank you, Father.

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.


Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that? That was fucking bullshit. Bad call.

Jesus fucking Christ! Jon!

Fucking bullshit. Did you see that? - Nah, I didn't see it. What happened?

They'll do a replay. They better do a fucking replay.

Unless they just don't want us to see how bad that fucking call was.

Why don't you get the thing where you can pause...

Assholes, where's the replay?! - Dad, there's a thing you can pause and rewind. What are you talking about?

It's digital. You just rewind and watch it.

I'm not taping this. - No, I know you're not taping it.

Are you people serious, no fucking replay?! - I'm not talking about a VCR.

How do I know what the fuck you're talking about?

I don't know, I guess 'cause most American people have heard of TiVo.

Most people that pay attention to the world around them!

Here it is. Shut up already, finally. Shit!

You seriously never heard of that? - Yes! I've heard of it, Jesus fucking...

There! Look, his foot's on the line! Look at that bullshit!

WOMAN: Jon! All right already! So if you've heard of it, what is it? Did you see that?

I'm asking you a question. It's a fucking thing...

Wait a minute. Did you see that? I'm asking you.

Did you? Nah, I didn't see it.

Why not?! What the fuck's the matter with you?

I said look at this play, I said it right to you!

I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing, and you can't do it!

At least I know what a fucking TiVo is. - I know what a fucking TiVo is!

You want a TiVo? Is that what you're saying?

I would love a fucking TiVo. Who do you love?

He loves TiVo. He sure as shit don't love football. We know that.


One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here and start eating, and you're gonna say, "Mom, I found her." Jon: Ma!

MOTHER: One of these days.


(WHISPERING) Holy Mary... Mother of God...

...pray for us now...

...and at the hour of death...


Hail Mary... full of grace...

- (COMPUTER CHIMES) Jon: All right, I'll admit, there are some downsides.

Like there's the times you find a great clip, with a hot Chick.

And right when you're starting to cum, it shows the guy.


Fuck! Goddamn it!

JON: It's no one's fault, really, but it still sucks. So...

- (COMPUTER CHIMES) Also, nowadays you got so much to choose from, finding just the right clip can take a lot of time.

And my time is precious to me.

Yeah, I got shit to do. So...

- (COMPUTER CHIMES) And, every once in a while, you find a clip that's so good, it's fucking depressing.

And you're thinking to yourself, why can't real pussy be like this?

You know, I smash new girls all the fucking time, always an eight or better, and it's still never this good. What am I doing wrong?


JON: Maybe it's time to try something new. So...


Yo, you remember that dime from last week?

Oh, shit.

The blonde in the dress? She was insane, bro. You hit that?

No, I didn't, you fucking alcoholic, I saw you after she left.

Fuck you, Jonny! - I thought you made that happen.

I threw it to this other random. - Typical.

Probably an eight or nine. Six or seven.

Shut the fuck up! Who'd you take home, huh?

Twos and threes, baby. I'm telling you, twos and threes are some open-minded ladies.

I wanna find that girl. You get her name?

Her name? First and last name.

I'm looking for her name, first and last name.

Shit, I don't know. You know who would?

Barbara Sugarman. Sugarman?

Thanks, bro.

Ok, what was it again? Barbara Sugarman.

You see her anywhere? No.

Oh, shit! That's her?

That's definitely her. Oh! Got you, bitch!

What you wanna say? You gotta say something.

Really? - A girl that bad gets mad friend requests.

Fuck! - I think it's dinner. Maybe even lunch.

Might have to take this girl out for coffee.

Christ! Yeah, this is the long game.

You're not getting that butt from Barbara Sugarman anytime in the immediate future.

If you had it like that, it would have went down.

You're right. You're totally right. Shit!

I know, I was about to say, the mighty Don bringing out the long game?

She's a dime, but... This girl's more than a dime.

Come on, son. There's no such thing, that's the point, it's a scale from one to ten.

I'm saying, this girl... Oh, my God!

You in love with this girl already? - Go fuck yourself.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah, two for lunch. Sure. Right this way.



How are you? Good. Good. How you been?

How did you get my Facebook? Oh. Getting right to it.

Yeah. I just looked up your name.

I didn't tell you my name. - Obviously you did, 'cause I looked it up.

No, I definitely did not tell you my name. - Yeah, you did.

I think I would remember. - No offense, but you were pretty wasted the other night. So was I. Can I get you some drinks?

Diet Coke, please. A Coke.

Coke and a Diet Coke. I'll be right back to take your order.

I had a few drinks the other night, so I may not have remembered telling you my first name, but I definitely did not tell you my last name.

I'm telling you... Hey! Don't lie to me.

Look, you don't know me, so I'm gonna let you off the hook this time.

But trust me, in the future you'll be much happier if you always tell me the truth.

Wait, wait, wait, I'll be happier?

You don't think I could make you happy if I wanted to?

So how did you find out my name?

I asked around. You asked around about me?

Yeah. That's interesting.

Why? Why? What do you mean why?

Why did you ask around about me? - 'Cause I wanted to.

You wanted to take me to lunch? - Yeah.

Don't lie. Ok, I asked around about you

'cause I wanna fuck your brains out. Is that what you want me to say?


Well, at least you're being honest now. - Let me ask you a question.

Why did you come here, huh? Why did you say yes to me?

That's a very good question. Yeah, so?

You're gonna have to wait to find out.

All right. I got time. Really? You got time?

It seemed like you were in a big hurry the other day.

I can be that way when I'm shit-faced.

You're cute, I like you.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Listen, you wanna know the truth?

This is the truth.

You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

You like movies?

JON: I don't watch too many movies.

I used to watch 'em a lot when I was a little kid, before I could get my hands on any porn.

Back then, if I wanted to see a really hot girl, my best bet was to watch a movie.

That's the one you like? Oh, it's so great.

I love these two. And you? Yeah. They're great.

JON: But now, I don't really see the point.

I don't know, I guess I'm missing something.

Because most people eat that shit up.


The pretty woman.

The pretty man.

Love at first sight.

The first kiss.

The breakup. WOMAN ONSCREEN: I felt that!

- Jon: The makeup. MAN ON SCREEN: I'm scared.

JON: The expensive wedding, and they drive off into the sunset.

Everyone knows it's fake, but they watch it like it's real fucking life.


She was the most important thing to him. He gave up everything for her.

It was just meant to be.

I love movies like that. Yeah, it was great.

He's just such a real man. And she's so beautiful too, always.

Her? No, she's too skinny. Yeah.

What? - You wanna know who's beautiful?



What makes you think you could do that? - Do what?




JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

- PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week since my last confession.

- PRIEST: Tell me your sins. - Since last Sunday I did not have sexual relations out of wedlock.

I did kiss a girl, this one girl, out of wedlock, several times, but it's just kissing. I don't know, I forget if that counts, so...

Also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 22 times.

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. - Thank you, Father.

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.


NARRATOR ON TV: Introducing the charbroiled, not fried, codfish sandwich, only at Carl's Jr. And Hardee's.

More than just a piece of meat.


Oh, go! Jesus. It's a yellow light! Fuck you!



(WHISPERING) Our Father... Who art in heaven...

...hallowed be Thy name... Thy Kingdom come...

...Thy will be done...

...on earth... as it is in heaven...


No. No... What?

Not out here. So let's go inside.


Why not? It's not time for that yet.

You sure? - Yeah. We barely know each other.

Yeah, we do, pretty much. (BOTH MOANING)

I don't know your friends. My friends?


I wanna meet your friends. Those guys are assholes.

Yeah? Yeah.

And you don't know my friends.

Or our families. Wait, our families?

Yeah. I wanna meet your parents and your sister.

Oh, Jesus! - What? You don't wanna meet my brothers and my sister? Uh...

'Cause I know they wanna meet you. - Yeah... I bet they do.


(JON MOANS) Mm-hm.

Jon. Yeah?

I can't let you come inside just yet. - No?

No, 'cause I don't know what that would mean. You know?

I don't want to do anything unless it means something.


Mm... Don't you think it's always better when it means something?

Yeah. Mm...

I think you should go back to school, baby.


Yeah, come on. Just a night class. - Oh, my God!

Just get your degree. Oh!

You would be so sexy with a real job. - Mm!

Mm-hm! Yeah... (GRUNTS)

So, what do you say? You, me and our friends, we go out sometime?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Yeah? And our families meet, huh?

Oh! Yeah?

Yeah. Mm...

And you take one night class for me, baby? One little class?

Oh! Oh! Huh? Yeah? Yeah?

Yeah! Oh! Come on, baby, cum... cum...

(GRUNTING) Mm-hm! Uh-huh.


Nice. Oh, Jesus...


You're so cute.

Call me.


Baby! Baby, what?

Baby. Baby...

You guys having a good time? - You bitch, I don't wanna hear it.

Jesus Christ. A toast. Let's make a toast.

Everyone listen up. You get up too. This is for you. Come on. Get up.

Oh, God. All right.

You guys know tonight is me and this girl's one-month anniversary.

I'm counting that from the first time I ever saw her, 'cause ever since then, I've felt the same way. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life.

To you, baby. No, to us.


Mwah. Cheers. ALL: Cheers!

God bless.

So, what's he do? He's in school.

Oh, the family's got money? No, he's got a job.

Retail? No.

Service? Yeah.

He's definitely been spending time at the gym.

Right? I know. He is so disciplined. You guys work out together?

Mm-mm. No. - Does he do that muscle guy thing where he's, like, looking at himself while you're doing it?

Oh. We haven't done it yet. Shit, really?

Oh, my God. That's so amazing! All right. I like him.

Goddamn! White shorts.


Jon: Nah. What? Come on, that's a dime!

That's not a dime. - I'm sorry, but I'd rather do that than do yours. You faggot motherfucker!

I can like any girl I wanna like. - But she's not hotter than my girl.

To you, maybe not, but to me... Look at that. Sorry, Buddy.

Fuck you, Jonny! That's the way...



So, uh...

I'm sort of seeing this girl. (COUGHS)

Mother: What did you say? - What do you mean, what did I say?

Did you say...? - Jon SR.: She asked you what you said.

What's the matter with that? I couldn't understand you, either.

Speak up and talk like a human being.

Shush. What's your problem?

Jon. Did you say you found her? - What?

Well, I said I'm sort of... Oh, my God! What's her name?

Barbara. Barbara! Barbara what?

Jon SR.: Here we go... Shh! Barbara what?

Barbara Sugarman. Sugarman?

She a Jew? I don't think so.

You don't know? We haven't really talked...

She's not Italian, we know that.

Sugarman. She black? No.

What does she look like?

She's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my life.

Oh, boy. Baby! Oh! (LAUGHS)

That's the sweetest thing I ever heard anybody say.

And does she love you? - Wait a minute. Love him? You kidding?

Jon, shush! - They're kids, for Christ's sake!

So what? - You know what? Don't call me a kid.

We talked about this, I don't appreciate it.

Excuse me. Dad, I'm asking you nicely.

To not call you a kid? You're a fucking kid.

Jon! Fuck You!

Fuck me? Did you just say fuck me to me? - Jon!

He said they're in love, they're in love. It doesn't matter how old they are.

He's older than you were when we got married.

You know that? For God's sake, he's your son!

You love this girl?

Yes, I do.

Then when do we get to meet her?


All right, Mom, Ok.

(LAUGHS) oh!

WOMAN: Bella? Sweetheart, come over here.

Come on, let me fix your lipstick. Here we go.

You look so beautiful. Thank you.

Can I get you a refill, Mrs. Sugarman? You don't have to do that.

No, it's my pleasure. Jon.

Thank you. Jon, you meet Daryl?

Oh, wow. You wanna hold him?

I don't know... Come here.

Here you go, babe. Ok.

All right. Is that good? Is that right? - Yeah. (LAUGHS)

You look so cute, the two of you.


MAN: Barbara!

How long have we been up here for? - Not long.

Well, I gotta go, we gotta go. Come on, let's go. Come on. Come on.

Close the door.

Ok. Let's take a break and when we get back we'll go over the course syllabus.


- Hey. Barbara: Baby! How is it?

It's great. Yeah? You're on break?

- Yeah. How did you know? Your schedule's online.

- Baby, I'm just so proud of you. - Thanks.

Baby? Yeah?

Can I come over when you're done?

You wanna come to my place? Mm-hm.

What, tonight? Yeah.

Ok, great.

You get back to class, sexy man. - All right.

- Bye, baby. Ok, bye.


Jesus fucking Christ!

Excuse me. Sorry. Oh, fuck, I'm sorry.

It's fine. It's fine.

Hi, baby. Hey.


It's Ok. I'll be right back. Baby...


JON: I'm in love with Barbara. I am.

And tonight, I finally got to fuck her.

But I'm sorry to say, it's still not as good as porn.


Best ever.


Best ever.

Blow-job? (WOMAN MOANS)

Shit. Good luck. A girl that hot? She doesn't have to give head.


For her, she just wants to go from kissing, to naked kissing, to fucking.

- (MOANING) Or, you know, making love.

And when I say "making love," I mean...

...missionary fucking.

No doggie. No cowboy.

Barbara: What the fuck are you doing? - Baby!

What the fuck are you doing? I was reading e-mails.

You weren't. You were watching porno! - That's not what that was.

I saw you! But, baby...

Don't call me that. Oh, my God! That's the most disgusting thing.

I've ever seen in my life! - Wait, don't go right now, please!

I don't even know what that is. That's sick...

But, baby, I'm telling you... Don't call me that!

But I'm telling you, that thing I was watching was just a joke!

Some dumb-ass Buddy of mine sent it to me as a joke. Come on!

You think I'm the kind of guy that watches porn?

No, you didn't seem like that type.

Right. 'Cause fucking losers watch porn, guys that can't get laid.

Well, no. My friends' boyfriends are watching porno on the Internet all the time, it's fucking disgusting. It's stupid is what that is.

Why would they watch porn when they can get with a real girl?

So you don't do that normally? - No.

When was the last time you did that before this?

(SCOFFS) I don't even know. When I was a kid or something.

You're never gonna do it again?

No. Why would I?

Promise? I promise.


I love you.

Come here.


JON: It's not that I can't stop. I just figure, why should I?

I mean, my girlfriend doesn't like it. So she doesn't have to know about it.

It's not like I'm cheating on her. I don't do it when she's around.

And everything's fine.

She has been spending a lot of time at my place, though. So I looked into it.

And it's pretty amazing how easy it is to get porn on-the-go these days.



Excuse me? Sorry, were you on your phone?


I'm Esther. Good to meet you.

What's your name? Jon.

I hope I'm not bothering you. No, it's fine.

I just wanted to apologize. I don't know if you remember, you caught me in a kind of an inopportune moment last week.

When I was sobbing by the door? - Oh! Yeah, sorry, I'm sorry about that.

Please, don't. Please, don't you apologize. You didn't do anything wrong.

I felt like I should say something. - Ok. Well...

Because I've been thinking about it, a lot actually, and I realized that, you know, nobody's seen me like that in, like, six months, and it's not like it's a rare... TEACHER: Good evening, everyone.

(WHISPERING) ...a rare occurrence, I mean, I do that all the time, I'm crying all the time. It's just something that I do in private now.

On the one hand, you go there when you go there.

On the other hand, it's really fucked up to keep it hidden, right?

That's what became clear to me when you startled me.

You didn't, you didn't mean to startle me, you walked by, but I just... so I wanted to say thank you.

Were you... I'm sorry, this might be rude, but were you watching people fucking on your phone?

What? No! - It's Ok if you were. I'm not judging you.

Lady, I'm just here to take this class. - Did you just call me "lady"?

So you take care.

Oh, yeah. Sorry. Say no more.

I'm sorry. No, it's fine.

What, are you fucking kidding me?! You're fucking kidding me, right?!

Baby! What?


I feel like I should leave my jacket in the car. Maybe not. Should I bring it?

Yeah, whatever you want. Oh...

I'm nervous. That's all. Why you nervous?

I don't know... - You got nothing to be nervous about.

You look beautiful. God, you look beautiful.


Are you ready? Go ahead. Yeah. All right.

Hi, Mom. Mother: Hi.

Oh, hello, hello! You must be Barbara.

Hi, Mrs. Martello. Here, for you. - Thank you, and please call me Angie.

Come in, come in. Jon! Jonny's here! Come say hello to your son!

Please. Let me get by you there, babe.

Dad? I would like you to meet Barbara. Baby, this is my Dad.

Hi, Mr. Martello. Hey, good to meet you.

Jesus Christ! Jon!

Oh, I... I wasn't expecting such a lovely lady, that's all.

Thank you. It's so nice to finally meet you both.

My pleasure, my pleasure.

Well, please sit down and I will be right back.

Can I help you with anything at all? - Oh! I love her already.

Yes, please, sweetie, come on. - JON: You want me to take that, babe?

Hey, hey, Jonny-boy! She's cute, right?

Are you fucking kidding me? You didn't tell me you were bringing home a piece of ass like that! - I told you she was the most beautiful thing.

I've ever seen in my life. Yeah, you told me, but I mean, Jesus Christ, those tits! They're real?

Yeah, they're real. Oh! Fuck me!

Angie: Did you clear the table? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here, here, honey.

Let me move this here, so you can put that right there.

Right here? Right there. That's perfect.

BARBARA: So tell me. Tell me, how did it go?

ANGIE: I was out with some girlfriends. We went to see some band.

Back then you used to see bands when you went out.

Honey, what band was it? You think I remember?

It was 28 years ago, and I didn't even give a shit then.

Anyway, I saw him early in the night, I don't know if he saw me till later, but I saw him.

And I saw her, you couldn't Miss her.

She was like you. Thank you.

You know what I said? Listen to this.

I said right then, right when I saw her, I said...

..."That's mine."

Oh, God. Angie: Yup. And he was right.

Can you... Well, that's beautiful.

Oh! Big play! Look at that! Ok, Jon.

All right, Dad. All right, yeah.

Good job, big guy. Sweetie, so nice to meet you.

Bye, Mr. Martello. Please call me Jon.

Ok, Mom.

All right, babe? Oh! Bye.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Bye-bye. Drive safe.

I love her! I love her! - Pretty good, huh? Not bad at all.



JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

- PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week since my last confession.

PRIEST: Tell me your sins.

Since last Sunday, I had sexual intercourse out of wedlock seven times.

But... I stopped watching porn.

Yeah, no more of that, just the intercourse now.


For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

Five Lord's Prayers and five Hail Marys. - Thank you, Father.

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, of the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

TEACHER: Very good. Ok, when we come back, we'll go over employee personality testing.

Go ahead, take a break.

Hi. Mind if I sit down? You know, actually, I...

I brought you something. You what?

What's that? Open it.

I don't want to take that from you. - No, no, open it.

It's something silly. It's a little thing. Go ahead.

All right. I'll open it.

What the fuck is this? It's actually pretty good.

What is the matter with you? Have you seen it?

Are you crazy? - It was made by this Danish woman in the '70s. It's probably not what you're used to looking at, but it's pretty hot.

Ok. Look, I have a girlfriend, all right? So...

I'm sorry, did you think I was hitting on you? Because I'm not.

Will you just take this?

I didn't mean for it to be a big thing. I thought you could use something better than that shit you're watching on your phone.

(SCOFFS) Am I right?

If you have a girlfriend, why are you watching dirty movies?

What? I'm just asking.

You're fucking weird, you know that? - I don't entirely disagree, but you're the one who's gonna pretend you're texting while you watch people pretend they're fucking on your phone!

The shit I watch on here, they're not pretending.

Of course they are.


(WHISPERING) Forgive us our trespasses... we forgive those... who trespass against us...

...and lead us not... into temptation...

...but deliver us from evil...

Baby? Huh?

What are you doing? You talking to yourself?

Yo, Jonny, you coming out tonight? - That's dubious.

I'm gonna wait for Barbara to call. We're gonna meet up for dinner.

This fucking guy. Come on! - What did you think he was gonna say?

I thought he still had a pair of balls hanging between his legs.

You sound so fucking stupid to me right now, I feel sorry for you.

Fuck you. I do. I feel sorry for you.

You never been in love, so you don't know what you're talking about.

Hold up. Wait a minute. In love?

When you really love a girl, there's a lot that goes into it.

You're saying you love her? Of course I love her.

I never heard you say you loved her. - You weren't paying attention.

I've been in love with this girl since the first time I saw her.

Why would I wanna go out and try to pull randoms?

None of 'em are gonna look as good as my girl, none of 'em are gonna fuck me as good as my girl.

Really? Yeah, really.

So she's good? - What did I say? Yeah, she's good.

She's the best. So you titty-fuck her?

Bro, she lets me do whatever the fuck I want.

This is what I'm trying to tell you, if you would listen to me.

I'm telling you guys something. You be a man, you do the right thing, you find the right girl and you treat her the right way?

Watch what happens. Best sex of your life.

Hey, baby.

Hey. Hi.

I love it when you wear this shit. - Oh, you're crazy.

You good? Yeah. You order anything yet?

No, I waited for you. Sweet.

Oh, fuck! Who's that?

It's Linda. She's been fighting with Chris.

I don't think they're gonna work out.

You remember Linda and Chris, yeah? - Yeah, yeah.

I thought they were cute together, no? - Sure. They seemed pretty good.

She's 28 years old. She put like four years into the guy already. It's terrible.


How did you get off work tonight? I got Stevie to cover my shift.

Stevie? Yeah, he needed the hours.

I don't think I know Stevie, no? - No, I don't think you ever met him.

Oh! I wish somebody would cover for me. - See? What did I tell you?

The service industry, it's not a bad thing.

Come on, you're gonna look so good in a suit.

I don't know. What? Please.

If Armando can do it, that man is such an asshole.


He treats women like they're trash, but... he makes six figures.

Well, he's got a pretty great life, no? If he could do it, you could do it.


Hey, baby. You're a winner, right? You respect people.

You listen to people. (MOANING)

You think so? I know so, mister.



Fucking 'caused it! Fuck!


Hi, babe.

I don't know which ones to get. Baby, what do you think?

That depends. You gonna drill into your wall?

I don't know.

You don't have a drill, do you? - No.

Nah, I didn't think so. My Dad has got a pretty good one.

If you want me, I can borrow his, I'll do it for you.

You gonna drill into my wall for me? - Whatever you want, babe.

You decide what color. I'm gonna meet you at the registers.

I wanna pick up a few things in cleaning products.

Where are you going?

What? Where are you going?

I'm almost out of Swiffer pads. I'm gonna pick a few up.

(LAUGHS) What pads? For the Swiffer.

I don't know what that is. You don't know the Swiffer?

What is that? No. Seriously? It's the best.

You gotta try it. What do you do for your floors?

You got those nice floors at your place. What, do you mop?

No. What do you do?

I don't know. I sweep it up with a broom. - No, I mean to really clean it.

I don't know. The housekeeper does it. - Oh, right.

Listen, I'll just be a second, Ok? - No, no, no. Come here.

What? - You're not gonna go buy a mop right now.

It's embarrassing. - No, I told you, it's not a mop.

It's these pads. I don't care.

You shouldn't be doing your own housework.

Why not? 'Cause you're a grown man.

You shouldn't be cleaning your own floors. - Why? I enjoy doing it.

You know what? I'll call Rosa. She'll do your place.

Who? - Rosa, my cleaning lady, she's great.

Babe, no. Thanks, but I like doing it myself.

Are you kidding me? You don't got to be doing that.

She won't do it right anyway. You gotta vacuum my carpet a certain way, or else it looks... - Don't talk about vacuuming in front of me.

Why? What's wrong? - Why? Because it's not sexy, that's why.

You're not listening to me. I like my place, Ok?

I'm proud of it, I like to take care of it.

I don't care. We're not having this discussion right now.

There's only a few things I really care about...

We're not talking about this anymore.

Fine, let's drop it. Good.

Those ones.

You want those? Yeah.

Come here. Listen to me.

When we're living together, you're not...

...going to be doing... any cleaning.

Come on.

Jon? Excuse me.

Look, I know you don't wanna talk to me.

I would leave you alone, but I swear to God, I just fell asleep during that entire class.

The whole fucking thing. Can I copy your notes?

I'd ask somebody else, but everyone in the class are like children.

I'm not calling you old. It'll take like five minutes...

Do you mind? Fine.

Thank you so much. Do you wanna go somewhere? There's a cafe...

My girlfriend's waiting at home, so...

Oh. Ok, well, then I'll... Ok, I'll do this.

I really shouldn't get so high after lunch if I'm gonna be coming here later.

You're probably right.

It is pretty boring, don't you think?


I said this class is pretty fucking boring.

Oh. Yep.

Like they're teaching you to be a robot.

Why are you here? Hm?

Why did you pick this class? I didn't.


No, it seemed like a good idea. I'm in the service industry now.

You mean you're a waiter? No.

Bartender? - Yeah, so, if you wanna move up, you gotta go to school. Right.

But what do you mean you didn't pick this class?

No, I did. Did somebody pick it for you?

No! - Was it your parents or your girlfriend?

What is it with you? Huh? No, I just...

I was wondering... I'm doing something polite...

That's mine.

Ok. Sorry.

Jesus! (LAUGHS)

Oh, man! Oh, God! (ENGINE REVVING)

Hey, baby. Hi, Jon.

What's wrong?

Remember when we first started dating?

What's the one thing I asked? I said, "Don't lie to me."

All right, who's talking shit about me? - Nobody said anything.

You gotta help me out... - You looked at 46 porno sites today, Jon.

Just today. - I don't know what you're talking about.

Don't fucking lie to me! - I don't know who told you that!

Nobody said anything. It's right there in your history!

All you do is look at porno. That's all you fucking do!

Wait, wait. My what? It's in your history.

In your browser?

Come on, don't tell me you don't know what your history is.

No. Of course you don't, 'cause if you did, you would have erased it, like a good little phony. Here.

There. Go ahead, look. Go ahead.

Baby, I... - Please, no, don't call me that.

I love you. - Don't ever say that to me, ever again.

What do you want me to say? What do I want you to say?

How about, "I'm sorry I've been lying to you since the first day" that we started dating"? How about that?

I'm sorry. I am. - How about, "I'm sorry I have more sex" with that thing than I do with my girlfriend"?

First of all, everybody watches porn, Ok? All guys.

Any guy tells you he doesn't is lying to you.

You are so full of shit! Second of all...

You are full of shit! - Second of all, you know damn well we do it all the fucking time! - Yeah, I know we do.

Whenever you want! - So what the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck are you doing? How do you watch that shit?

I don't know! Ok? I don't know!

How do you watch all the stupid fucking movies you watch?

How do I watch movies? What are you talking about?

I'm saying, you probably watch that shit as much as I watch porn.

What are you saying? That has nothing to do with anything!

I'm just saying... - Jon, movies and porno are different!

They give awards for movies! They give awards for porn too.

Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

I can't believe we're talking about this.

I'm sorry. Jesus. Look, stop it.

I don't know, I don't know what's wrong with me.

I'm sorry, Ok? I... I'm sorry. I am so sorry...


I really liked you, you know?

I thought you were different.

But you're not.



JON: So up until now, my record was ten in one day.

And for a long time, I thought I'd never beat that. But today...

- ...I hit 11. (WOMEN MOANING)

JON: And you know, when I have great fucking days like this, it just reminds me how much I love being single.

- I do what I want, when I want. - (WOMEN MOANING)

I don't have to flake on my friends anymore.

I don't have to waste my time in a fucking classroom.

It just feels good, like... like I got my own life back.


I mean, you think I could have hit 11 when I was with Barbara? No! Definitely not.



Jonny-boy! - Jesus, bro, I can smell it on you already.

You got to catch up, baby! - You mean I got to buy your poor ass a fucking drink? - Yo, the Don mad anxious tonight.

Fuck you! Where's wife?

Fuck that bitch. Oh, shit!

Damn, Ok! All right.

You can't have this one, 'cause I saw her first, but check out pink.

JON: Yeah. She's all right.


Hey, fuck you, Buddy! MAN: Fuck you!

What'd you say? Huh? What the fuck did you just say?! Hey!

You wanna say some shit? Let's hear it, you fat fuck! What did you say?!

MAN: I said fuck you! Fuck me, huh? Fuck me?

Is that what you said?! Huh? Huh? You fuck! Ah!

Fuck! Goddamn it! Fuck! (CAR HORN HONKING)


JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week since my last confession.

Jonny, where were you? Don't worry about it.

What did you do to your...? Mom, it's fine.

Shh! Hey, hush yourself!

Mom! It's fine. Ok?

PRIEST: Tell me your sins.

Father, I don't know what happened, but...

...I guess I lost my temper and I...

I punched through this guy's window on my way here right now.

I didn't hurt anybody, but...

Yeah, I don't know what's wrong with me.

Also, I watched pornographic videos and masturbated 35 times.

For these and all the sins of my life, I'm sorry.

Twenty Lord's Prayers and 25 Hail Marys. - Thank you, Father.

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace.

I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.


So Barbara couldn't come tonight? - No, she had this family thing tonight.

But she wanted to make it, she just couldn't.

She told me to say hello to you guys. - That's sweet.

Everything good with the two of you?

Yeah, she's great. Angie: She's a catch, Jonny.

Beautiful girl.

I'm telling you, a woman like that make a boy into a man.

I can see it on you too, it's starting.


(WHISPERING) Holy Mary...

...Mother of God...

...pray for us sinners...

...and at the hour of our death.




What the fuck?

The fuck you doing here? Damn, really?

Bro, I'm busy. Word, what you doing?

Right. Just 'cause you don't pick up your phone don't make you busy.

You smashed up somebody's car? - Who told you that?

Kerry's sister said she heard you broke through some guy's window.

Well, did you? The guy was a fucking asshole.

What did he do? Why you taking his side?

I'm not taking his side. You are.

Stop and think for a second. Stop and think for a second.

I don't care about that guy, I don't give a damn about his car. Fuck him.

What do you think I'm doing here, man?

You wanna have a seat? Bro, honestly...

Man, sit your ass down.

All right, what happened with your girl? - Fuck that bitch.

You said that already. What, she drop you? - No.

No? You drop her? After all that, she cheat on you?

No! So, what happened?

Nothing! It's so fucking stupid. That's what I'm saying, she's a bitch.

She did drop your ass. What did you do, man? You cheat on her?


All right, you wanna hear this shit? It's so fucking retarded.

She caught me watching porn.

That's it? Right?

That's bullshit. Swear to God.

Oh, my God! Ok, hold on, hold on, all right.

So after all that obligatory shit, the friend mixing and meeting her folks, she just walks in on you, you know, beating your meat to a little video and she's out? You don't know her.

She's crazy, she's a Princess. - Goddamn!

I know. No, for real, that's some crazy bullshit right there.

Fuck that bitch. Yeah. Fuck that bitch.

But you still gonna finish that class?

Really? What are you, my Mom?

No, I just thought it was almost done. How much longer you got?

TEACHER: All right, everyone, three more weeks until the final.

If you have any questions or concerns, please feel free to e-mail me. Have a good night.

Jon: Hey. Esther: Hi.

Jon: Where you going? Esther: To my car.


Jon: Oh, shit! Esther: Ok.

JON: No, we're fine, we're fine, we're fine.


Oh, my God!

Should've smoked this before, you might've relaxed a little.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm playing with you. Trust me, I'm a perfectly satisfied customer.

You want some? Thanks.

So I'm parked all the way on the other side. I don't know if you want...

I know, you wanna get back, so let me enjoy this and I'll drive you back to your car.


So, what happened with your girlfriend? - Fuck that bitch.

That bad? She find somebody else? - No.

Wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened.

She snooped around on my computer, she found out I watch porn.

I told her every fucking guy watches porn, she didn't believe me.

She acted like I was cheating on her or something, which I wasn't.

So... we broke up.

And you know what? I'm glad we did.

Just porn? Yeah.

No, I don't buy it. I'm telling you. That's all.

Was it just once? Oh.

Ok. So she caught you once, which is why you're watching it on your phone at school, 'cause you're hiding it from her, but she caught you the second time.

I don't know. Am I right? I'm just guessing, but...

Oh, God, you're like a junkie. You can't stop.

How often do you watch it? What the fuck do you care?

No, like every day? - Every guy watches porn every day.

All right. When was the last time you went a day without it?

I don't know. No, come on, try and think.

Seriously, I have no idea. - Like this week, like this month?

No. I like my porn, Ok? I watch it every day. I always have.

Maybe when I was a kid, like before I had a VCR in my room and I couldn't, but even then I had Playboys, so...

Have you ever thought about quitting? - Quit...?

You're talking about it like... No, why would I?

Ok, let me ask you this.

You're a good-looking guy, I'm sure you attract a lot of young ladies.

Why bother with porn when you can have the real thing?

Nah, see, it's not the same thing.

I mean, real pussy's all good, but, no offense...

No, no, no offense taken. So you like porn better than sex?

Well, what is it? What do you get from porn that you don't get from sex with an actual person?

I lose myself. You lose yourself.

Yeah, just... goodbye.

And that doesn't happen when you have sex. - I wish it did.

Sure, don't we all? Um...

Ok. One more question, then I'll drive you back.

You ever jerk off without porn? - What do you mean?


JON: I'm not like a junkie. Come on, that's stupid.

It's porn, it's not fucking heroin.

I knew a few guys in high school who actually smoked crack, like all the time.

That's like a junkie. They couldn't stop. I could stop if I wanted to. I could.

Hi. Hey.

Somebody's excited. Yeah. Come on.

I wanted to talk to you. Yeah? What about?

Don't you wanna...?

Don't you wanna wait till after class?


All right. (LAUGHS)

You're... You're intense today. What's going on with you?

I gotta talk to you. I didn't think you meant that when you said it. Well, I did.

Well, I'm flattered. What do you wanna talk about?

(LAUGHS) Um...

So you were right.

About what, your girlfriend? No.

I'm sorry. I was right about what?

I stopped watching porn. Oh, yeah? That's great!

I don't know if it is. No, it is.

I wasn't gonna stop, but then I was thinking about what you asked me before, ¡f 1 ever jerk off without watching porn, and 1 tried to...

Yeah? And you couldn't? No, I couldn't.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been trying for a week, it's really fucked up.

Oh, my God! You haven't cum in a week? - Mm...

Ok, wait. No. I want to hear the rest of the story.

So you haven't watched porn in a week. - Yeah.

That's good. What do you mean?

You said you watched porn.

Uh, yeah, but that movie that I gave you was totally...

Did you ever watch it? No.

Ok. It's totally unlike the stuff that I imagine you watch every day.

That is not healthy. - What do you mean? How do you know?

Oh, my God, please! That stuff is ridiculous and it's nothing to do with actual sex.

That's why you have trouble with real women.

No, I get off fine with real girls. - Yeah, you definitely do.

Yeah, I just couldn't get off beating it with my eyes closed.

But didn't you tell me last week that you like porn better than real sex?

Well, honey, I'm gonna be honest with you, 'cause it seems like that's what you want.

Look, the way you have sex, it's like totally one-sided.

It's like I'm not even there.

I mean, look, it's fine with me. I'm not complaining.

It just so happens that meaningless sex is something that I want in my life now, but you said that you wanna lose yourself in sex.

If you wanna lose yourself, you have to lose yourself in another person.

And she has to lose herself in you. It's a two-way thing.

You know what? I shouldn't have said that.

No, it's fine. No, no, no. I'm sorry. I am.

What are you talking about? No. I'm really sorry.

I'm... I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

You didn't. That's fine. No, I really didn't.

You know what?

Let's take a bath.

What? Nah! No, come on. It'll be nice.

Come on, let's take a bath.

I'm gonna get you a towel.


Hey, where were you?

I used one of the towels that was in there, hope you don't mind.

Yeah, that's fine.

What's wrong? Nothing.

You don't live here alone, do you? - I actually do.

There's some kind of... bad marriage situation here?

No. - I know it's none of my business, sorry.

I don't wanna get caught out and now some guy's coming at me with a bat or some shit.

No, it's nothing like that.

All right. So, what is it?

Since when do you ask me personal questions?

Since right now.

It really doesn't matter. - Well, it seems like it matters to you.

No, it doesn't.

Didn't you tell me it's sort of fucked up to keep stuff like this hidden?

My husband and my son died 14 months ago.

Jesus! Thank you.

What happened?

Cars are terrible things.

I'm sorry, but your hair is so much better this way.

What? I can touch it.

(LAUGHS) What are you talking about? You put so much junk in your hair, it's all sticky and hard, this is much better.






♪ Good vibration

♪ It's such a sweet sensation

♪ It's such a good vibration...


♪ Yo! It's about that time

♪ To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme...



JON: In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

- PRIEST: Amen. Bless you, my son. - Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week since my last confession.

- PRIEST: Tell me your sins. - First of all, I lied to you before.

I told you that, uh...

Well, actually, I don't know if it was you.

Something I've always kinda wondered is, is it the same guy I'm talking to every week or there's a few of you and you switch off, or... how does that all work?

Well, anyway, I told the Father a while back that I stopped watching pornography, but that was a lie, I didn't stop at all.

The thing is, this week I actually did stop, like totally just not doing it anymore.


PRIEST: Yes? - Yeah, so that's like zero for the week.

Other than that, I did have sex out of wedlock one time, but it was different, it wasn't just sex, it was like...

I don't know, it's hard to explain, but... yeah, that's it. So...

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. Really? Same thing, no difference?

PRIEST: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you...

Wait! Father, I'm really sorry, but could you just tell me how you got to those numbers, please?

'Cause I... I really thought there was gonna be a difference this week.

PRIEST: Have faith, my son.

Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace, and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

So, uh... me and Barbara split up. - Angie: What?

Barbara and I split up. - I can't believe it, this is horrible!

Can you get her back? I don't think so.

Did you try to call her? - She doesn't want me to call her.

Look what you did. - Sorry. What do you want me to do?

I just want you to be happy, that's all! Is that too much to ask?

I wasn't happy. - A nice wife and some nice kids?

Look at me! I look like a grandmother, but do I have any grandchildren? No!

Am I a bad Mother, is that what I'm hearing?

Honey, calm down, please! You know, Ma, I don't know if I really want a wife and kids. - What are you saying? You don't mean that.

Jon, say something! Jon SR.: All right!

Stop upsetting your Mother! What the fuck is the matter with you?

I don't know. - Having a family is the greatest Joy in a man's life, everybody knows that! - Then maybe I'm not a man.

'Cause I sure don't want a family. Maybe one day, but not right now!

Well, and that's all she wanted. Angie: What did she say?

SISTER: I said that that girl... I cannot hear any fucking thing!

What are you saying? All I'm saying is, that girl, she has her own agenda. She doesn't care about Jonny, she doesn't know the first thing about him.

She just wants a guy who's gonna do whatever she tells him to.

It is a good thing that she broke up with you.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Jon, I will fucking kill you! All right. Easy.





All right, listen, listen, I gotta go, so I'll see you later? All right. Bye.

Sorry. That's cool.

Sorry about that. No problem. How you doing?

A little Windy. Yeah, it's Windy out here.

So... I'm good. How are you? Good, thanks.

Everybody good? Yeah, great.

Thanks for meeting me. Sure.

Hope you understand why I thought lunch was not a good idea.

That's fine. You want some coffee? - No, actually I gotta go pretty soon, so...

(LAUGHS) You changed your hair? - Yeah...

So? Yeah, so...

I just wanted to apologize.

I lied to you, and I'm sorry for that.

Well, that's all you're gonna say?

I don't really know what I do with that. What do I say?

I forgive you, or we're supposed to get back together or something?

No. No, I just wanted to tell you... - You're not capable of a relationship, Jon.

You're not. No. Right now I'm not.

'Cause you're a selfish person, and you're a liar.

Yeah, I was. I'm sorry. - I asked you to do one thing for me...

Yeah. I was thinking about that when you said it before.

Well, I said it because it's true, that's why.

It's not true. Really?

You didn't only ask me for one thing. You asked for a lot, a lot of different things and then...

...I couldn't do it all for you.

Well, when a real man loves a woman, he doesn't mind doing things for her.

He'll do anything for her.

Yeah, but don't you think that sounds a little bit one-sided?

No, I don't.

But that's why you like to watch those whores in those videos, because you don't gotta do anything for them, right?

Yeah, that's one-sided also. Definitely.

Look, sweetie, I'm gonna go, Ok?

Don't call me anymore.

The streak is over, motherfucker! How's it feel?

I'd rather get pizza with my boys. - That's new.

Every fucking time we go out, Don Jon smashes!

But not tonight, ladies and gentlemen.

The fans are devastated. Jonny, what happened?

Yeah! Well, I thought it was on with old crop top.

No, that girl was annoying. She was tight though.

Eight. Solid eight.

Her body was at least an eight, but you didn't talk to her.

Who cares how she talks? You asked why I didn't smash, that's why I didn't smash. What about you? You were kicking it to pony-tail, right?

How did it go? You get her name?

I got a number. BOTH: Oh! Hey!

You like that? Fucking right I do!

Easy, easy. Did you get her name? - Yeah!


Oh, fuck! What?

I saved it as pony-tail.

(LAUGHS) Danny-boy! Danny-boy!

All right, all right, all right. Take it easy, take it easy.

JON: This fucking lady.

I don't usually like it when a girl looks me right in the eye, and this girl does that a lot.

But I don't know what it is about her. When she does it, I don't mind.

I just look right back at her, and pretty soon...

...I'm hard as a fucking rock.

It's like she knows what I'm thinking.

Or I know what she's thinking, or...

I don't know, it's that two-way thing. I fucking love it.

And I don't mean love like, "I love her, I wanna Marry her."

I'm definitely not thinking about all that shit.

And she's not either.

She can't.

I guess I just mean love like, you know, like when we're making love.

And while we 're doing it, all the bullshit does fade away, and it's just me and her, right there, and yeah, I do lose myself in her, and I can tell she is losing herself in me, and we 're just fucking... lost together.


TCS Subtitling.