Don Verdean (2015) Script

For the last 12 years, Biblical archaeologist Don Verdean has received worldwide acclaim for his incredible discoveries in the Holy Land.

Don's discoveries have touched the lives of countless millions, confirming their faith and the miraculous narratives found in the Bible.

On his latest trip to the Middle East, Don contacted Adabi Hassan from Saudi Arabia, who agreed to accompany Don to a location rumored to be the burial site of Samson from the Bible.

But, sadly, upon their arrival, all that remained of the site was a large, empty hole caused by looting the previous month.

Don was devastated.

Adabi then informed him of a lesser known location in the valley of Sorek.

After months of intense excavation, Don made the discovery of a lifetime... iron shears dating back over 3,000 years.

Could these be the very blades used to strip Samson of his strength?

Don decided to share his findings with Dr. Stelios Patrokolis, world-renowned for his excavations of the Byzantine Empire.

After reviewing the forensic data, Dr. Patrokolis made the following statement:

I'll bet.

After this brief interview with Dr. Patrokolis, Don's discovery was made public.

He now travels the world sharing his message of faith to a whole new generation of believers.

The tireless efforts of Don Verdean will continue to bless millions everywhere.

Next question.

Yeah?

Mr. Verdean, there's a... a, uh, letter.

Well, it's an online document that's received wide distribution throughout the ministry, as I'm... I'm sure you've seen it.

It's, for the record, from the, uh, Israeli Antiquities Authority.

I'd like to share that, if that's all right.

Yes, go right ahead.

"Thank you for your inquiry dated July 13th asking about Don Verdean.

We cannot confirm his finds and have no information about them whatsoever.

If he says he has excavated in Israel, he has committed an illegal act.

We have never heard of this man, nor have we had any dealings with him.

Legitimate archaeology finds are published in professional journals or by universities and other scientific institutes.

Sincerely yours, Nahum Ishalom, spokesman for Israeli Antiquities."

Thank you. Thank you for reading that.

Now, uh, Satan takes advantage of situations like this.

There's two things happening here.

One, the Israelis don't want this discovery confirmed until, you know, it can be done in a manner that won't cause a bloodbath.

Two, all of my excavating was done in a very public place, and had I done it without a permit, I can assure you I would've been thrown in prison.

Unfortunately, this is how the Israelis handle things.

If you ask any of them if they know Don Verdean, they'll say they don't.

Carol, did you, uh... bring that book with you?

The one with my ugly face on the front?

Could you hand it to me?

Thank you.

Now... if you'll all be so kind as to look right here.

In this picture, you will see myself and another man.

This gentleman standing next to me is none other than Nahum Ishalom, spokesman for the Israeli Antiquities and author of the letter that was just read to you.

When asked if he knew Don Verdean, he said "no."

But if you look at this picture, you'll see that the truth is something else.

Thank you so much.

♪ You may ask me how I know ♪ Don: You bet. Let's take a picture.

♪ My Lord is real... ♪ Thank you. My pleasure.

♪ My Lord is real... ♪ Let me make one thing clear.

These things are God's things, not my things.

He is allowed me to find these treasures because I am simple man.

It's very obvious that I have never found anything based on my own intellect.

Nobody on Earth is... is clever enough to...

...find these things of their own volition.

That's right. You know.

I work with Tony Lazarus, and we'd love to set up a meeting with Mr. Verdean, if we could.

♪ I can feel His hand in mine ♪

♪ And that's enough for me. ♪ How'd we do tonight?

Oh, everyone just loved your presentation, Don, but we only sold about 10 copies.

Well, long as kept a few sheep from goin' astray, can't ask for much more than that.

What's the rest of our week lookin' like?

Well, the Friday lecture group for the Bible study class just cancelled.

Well, that's unfortunate.

But I did get a request from a place called The Lazarus Fellowship Center.

Apparently, their pastor's just dyin' to meet with you tomorrow.

Wait... wait a second, are you talkin' about Tony Lazarus?

Yes. Should I know who that is?

Well, Tony died in a car accident 10 years ago while drivin' to Wendover with a hooker.

The spirit left his body and everything, but the good Lord decided to give him a second chance and send him back to Earth as a modern day Lazarus.

Incredible.

Tony married the hooker and they started their own ministry together.

Wow.

Tony Lazarus.

What time's he want to see me tomorrow?

First thing in the morning.

Praised be the Lord, there he is.

Whoo!

Oh, well...

It is such a pleasure to see you.

And an absolute honor to finally meet ya.

I've been followin' your work for years. I feel like I already know ya.

Well, it's a real pleasure to be here.

I-I-I tell you what, I...

Well, this is my beautiful wife, Joylinda.

Oh. I've seen the pictures.

Lovely to meet you.

I bet these hands have touched all kinds of sacred relics. Yes, ma'am.

Just a few.

And who's your wonderful companion?

Who? Oh, yes! I'm sorry.

This is my car... uh, secretary. Carol Jensen.

Carol? Oh, that's a lovely name. Yes.

Thank you. We're just so happy you two could be here.

Please, please, y'all, come have a seat.

We're so grateful you're here. We have much to discuss.

Come take a seat. Whoo!

I feel it!

Well, Don, it should be no surprise to you that we are all big fans.

I mean, perhaps your biggest fans.

We've seen all the DVDs, read all your books.

There is no one in the world that does what you do.

Well, thank you, Tony. I've been very fortunate.

Well, God knows what He's doin'.

Don, if you would bear with me, I'm just gonna go ahead and cut to the chase and tell you why I brought you here.

As I'm sure you're aware, church attendance in America has been on a massive decline in recent years.

And I've felt the effects of that right here in my very own congregation.

Slowly but surely, this nation is becommin' godless, and it's frightening.

I mean, not to mention the fact that there is a... a new church that has sprung up mere blocks from here.

The pastor there has been siphonin' my flock for months now.

You know, he's a former Satanist turned Christian.

Oh, people are really taken by his story.

Oh, yes, but I fear he's leadin' them down the wrong path.

You see, he holds them with... with a fear of the occult.

That's how he keeps his numbers up, and that is not a good foundation.

And right now, Don, people need a good foundation more than ever.

You got that right.

False prophets aside, there are some evil factions

"withinside" the scientific community that are dead-set upon destroyin' the truth.

You know, the other day I was walkin' down the street and this man told me... he said, "Did you know that we have evolved from protozoas?"

Do you know what a protozoa is?

No, I do not.

It's a God dong sea monkey.

Say what? Can you imagine that?

Lookin' around at the loved ones... at your mother, at your father, at your beautiful wife, and sayin', "You're a sea monkey.

You belong on the bookshelf of a child that's going to neglect you and watch you swim around for a few days and then end up falling to the bottom of the sea monkey aquarium and turning into dust."

Holy Ghost power. That's awful.

Did you evolve from that, Don?

Now, you see, these younger generations, Don, they need proof. Okay?

They need hard evidence in these dark, dark, times.

And I believe that the Lord has been preparing you.

The Lord wants you to be His...

His instrument in this great work.

Now, what I'm proposing, Don, is that you allow us to participate with you in this great work by letting us bankroll all your future digs and projects.

I honestly don't know what to say.

Any artifact you would find, you would... you would bring it here and we'd present it to our congregation.

And we'd put it on display for the whole world to see His truth.

It'd be like a little museum of sorts here at the Lazarus Fellowship.

It would be like a Holy Land set in the good ol', U.S. of A.

Right here, where it should be. Not over there.

Well, Tony, I think it's very clear to me that the hand of... Providence has... brought us to this juncture.

I-I think it's fair to say this might be a match made in heaven.

Oh, I was hopin' you were gonna say that.

Don, we have been prayin' so long and hard for this, and we would love nothin' more than to begin this adventure immediately.

Well, today's your lucky day.

I believe I have a solid lead on the location of Lot's wife.

You gotta be kiddin' me.

Two weeks ago my sources inside Israel sent me this.

Approximately three furlongs to the south of where I discovered the sulfuric remains of Sodom and Gomorrah.

This is incredible.

Have the Israelis tested this for salt content?

The sample taken to the lab indicated that this structure was made up of 97% sodium chloride.

I was told that's the purest salt they've ever tested.

I don't know what to say.

I mean, Don, you've actually found Lot's wife.

It's all right, sweetheart.

When can we bring her here?

Hi, shalom, Boaz?

It's Don Verdean.

I can... I can barely hear you.

Boaz, it's Don Verdean from America. How are ya?

Shem, sheket. Sheket!

Shalom from... can you hear me?

No, tell the camel, "Shut up."

The camel keep talking.

Boaz, it's Don Verdean from America.

How are ya? Hello, Don.

Ah, yes, it's me, Boaz.

Uh, what's up, man?

Well, uh, good news. You remember that pillar of salt you and your brother found out in the desert two weeks ago?

Well, I need you to ship it to me.

I can wire you the money tonight.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that thing. Yeah, about that.

That's not there anymore.

Uh, I'm sorry, say that again?

I said, "That is not there anymore."

What do you mean, "It's not there anymore"?

Where'd it go? Me and Shem were out there today, and we're looking and we're looking, but, uh, we don't see her.

Well, are you sure you're looking in the right place?

No?

Uh, say what? Uh, maybe.

Now come on, Boaz!

I mean, this could be the find of the century.

I mean, we're talkin' about Lot's wife here.

There are a lot of rocks out there, Don.

They all look the same. How do I know which one is the one?

Well, it can't be that hard.

We need the one with breasts.

Oh, the breasts. Okay, that one.

Oh, yeah. There's one big white rock, and it has breasts on it.

All right. Chill out, sababa.

It's cool. No, it's not cool!

Okay? Get the Marines, get the Taliban, get the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, if you have to, but find the pillar of salt!

Now, don't you be facetious, Don.

Don't screw this up, Boaz.

You get her on a plane tomorrow.

There are countless souls whose very salvation is at stake here.

You do not want their blood on your hands.

Do you want to go to hell? No.

Do you believe in hell? I'm not sure, but I don't take chances.

All right, well, I'll wire you the money tonight.

Hey, Don? What?

Catch you later, man.

All right, well, I'll catch you later, too.

All right. Goodbye, now.

Good Lord, have mercy.

I brought you some supper.

You didn't have to do that.

It's just some pot stickers and a raisin cookie.

Well, I don't care much for raisins, but thank you.

Carol, how long you been workin' for me now?

Almost eight months. Wow.

Time's really flown by.

Well, after what's transpired today, I need you to cancel the rest of the tour.

But, more importantly, it doesn't look like I'm gonna need anyone to manage my schedule anymore.

Oh, uh, uh, okay.

Yeah. Well, um, I'm happy to stick around a few more days to help you transition.

What? No. No, no, Carol, you're not getting fired. I-I-I want to promote you to research assistant and field documentarian.

Oh, Don, I would be honored!

Carol, I want to make one thing very clear.

Finding treasure in the Earth is meaningless unless it will help someone get to heaven that wouldn't get there otherwise.

That's what I admire about you, Don.

You're in this for all the right reasons.

Well... good night. Night.

Ah!


Well, there she is. Lot's wife.

Don, don't get me wrong, I mean, she obviously is beautiful, but, uh, is it just me, or does she look a little different than she does in the, uh, photograph the Israelis sent you?

Well, Tony, I'm always amazed at how certain artifacts have the ability to completely re-write history.

Based on the evidence standing right here before us, I think it's very plausible that Lot's wife was a hermaphrodite.

I'm sure it was quite common in those days.

Limited gene pool, incest, and what have you.

That would probably explain why Lot's wife was so dead-set upon returning to the Forbidden City.

Bingo.

My only fear is the, uh, milk drinkers of my congregation.

Is this meat going to be too much for them to swallow?

Hello? Boaz, what in the hell did you send me?!

What do you mean what did we send you?

We sent you Lot's wife. The one with the two breasts.

Well, she also came with a veritable fruit salad in her pants!

Now, come on, Boaz!

I just can't tolerate this type of sloppy archaeology.

Let me ask you this, which one of you screwed up my pillar of salt?!

Don, Don, this is the real Lot's wife. I promise you.

She was smuggled straight out of the Holy Land.

I know it's different from the picture we sent you, but this one matches the description in the "Bibla."

What did you say? You have to believe me that this is really her, Don.

This is Lot's wife.

I'm telling you, Don. I'd bet my life on it.

Now stop calling me about this.

♪ Don't turn back ♪

♪ When your husband tells you not to ♪

♪ It's not a woman's lot in life ♪

♪ To give a single thought to ♪

♪ What her husband commands ♪

♪ Is what she ought to do ♪

♪ And don't turn ♪

♪ To a pillar of salt ♪

♪ Pillar of salt ♪

♪ It's all her fault ♪

♪ She should have listened ♪

♪ When her husband shouted "halt" ♪

♪ Instead of Sodom and Gomorrah ♪

♪ She should have just stayed home ♪

♪ And read the Torah ♪

♪ Now she's a pillar ♪

♪ Of salt. ♪

Wonderful.

Wasn't that beautiful?

Beautiful voice, beautiful message.

Brothers and sisters, I am humbled by what I am going to share with you.

Just a few weeks ago, an incredible discovery was found in Israel.

World renowned archaeologist Don Verdean and his team of experts have uncovered what many scholars believe to be the remains of Lot's wife, as found in Genesis 19, verse 26.

"His wife looked back from behind him and she became a pillar of salt."

Just when the world thought that the windows of heaven were closed, the Lord has granted us a miracle.

And an answer to life's greatest mystery.

Who was this woman, and why was she so dead-set about returning to that hellhole?

Without further ado, I present to you the first of what I hope to be many archaeological discoveries to prove that the Bible is true.


Hallelujah.

Praise the Lord.

Whoo!

Blessed be.

Whoo.

Thank you. Praise God.

Congratulations, Tony.

Impressive turnout today.

Looks like your ministry is almost relevant again.

Don, this is Dennis Fontaine.

He's from the Friendship Harvest Temple.

Ah, good to meet ya. You know, a funny little piece of trivia about Mr. Fontaine, he used to be a Satanist. Is that right?

Oh, yeah. He was a high priest.

Participated in the orgies, the whole deal.

Then one day he woke up and decided he was playin' for the wrong team.

Decided to become a Christian.

Quite a discovery you've made here.

Where exactly was it located?

In the Valley of Sittim, Southern tip of the Dead Sea.

Ah, I'm sure it was.

My colleague Dr. Stanley here teaches life sciences at Sioux Valley Vo-Tech.

He was wondering if he could take a sample back to his lab for carbon dating purposes?

What makes you think you can carbon date the wrath of the Almighty?

Besides, anyone with a brain knows that carbon dating is completely ineffective when dealing with mineralized fossil.

The isotopes are rendered useless.

Why don't you leave the science to the scientists, Mr. Verdean?

Why don't you leave the things of God in the hands of his people?

Just thought you boys might like some forensic data to back up your claims.

But I totally understand if you're skittish about the results.

I think you might be better off gettin' some of your own lab work done, make sure your blood ain't loaded with V.D. from your Satanic orgy days.

Hey, you better watch yourself.

You better watch yourself. Fontaine, get ahold of

"Planet of the Apes" here.

You put this jackrabbit in a corner, he's gonna find a way out.

Look, you can avoid the facts all you want, but sooner or later people will want the truth.

Get ready for it.

Fontaine!

I know you'd like to take a sample back to your machine, but you can find out what it's made of right now with a good, old-fashioned lick test.

What in the world was that?

I believe that was some sort of demonic hiss.

Yo, Don, I'm not so sure that was a wise move to challenge him.

I don't think you could have asked for a better reaction today.

The look on everyone's faces should be bottled up and sold as an anti-depressant.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, that Joylinda's a real surprise.

She and Tony are perfect for each other.

It's a shame they can't have any kids.

You know, doctor's say a woman her age... she should have plenty of fresh eggs.

What in the world are you jabberin' about?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Seems like that pastor may have shaken you up a bit.

I've had to deal with vipers like him my whole life.

Nothin' but bottom-dwellers tryin' to destroy the work.

Oh, I know, but you just gotta let it just roll right off you.

Well, now, Carol, you need to learn your place in this partnership.

And right now I need you to stay quiet when I think things through.

You know, in the eight months that you've known me, you've never asked me one thing about my personal life.

I-I-I assumed it was a professional courtesy, but now I realize you think of me as a mindless subordinate.

Now, Carol, that's not true.

I just never thought you had a personal life.

Well, if you cared to ask... you'd learn that I have a son in prison.

Carol, I-I-I had no idea you had a son.

He was my youthful indiscretion.

Sometimes I feel like that French whore from "Les Misérables."

I'm sorry to hear that.

How'd your son end up in prison?

Well, he said he was starting to become a Forest Ranger, but he was actually growing cannabis in Zion National Park.

Three tons of it.

Good Lord be, that's some serious weed.

Yeah.

Now he's servin' a 12-year sentence.

It's a heavy burden for a single mother.

All I've ever wished for that boy is to have a father figure.

He just needed a dad.

I can't believe you've shouldered this all by yourself.

My life's just been a train wreck.

But ever since I started workin' for you, I feel like it's slowly gettin' back on the right track.

Carol, I want you to know that I'm here for you.

I'm glad you shared that with me.

I-I know it can't be easy bein' the mother of a dope slinger, but know that God can heal even the worst of sinners.

He doesn't want anything to do with that right now.

Well, he'll come 'round. We'll get that boy saved if it's the last thing we do.

Now have a bite of your bacon.

Gotta have your protein.

Praise God.

Donald, I'm gonna go ahead and swing for the fences with this one, all right?

We're battin' 1,000, so why not?

Lot's wife has gone over like gangbusters, and we cannot succumb to a sophomore slump.

We need to come correct.

I think the very next artifact we go after, Ark of the Covenant.

Well, that's a great idea, Tony, but, uh, we already know where she is.

We do?

Where? Ethiopia.

It's rested there for hundreds of years at the church of Our Lady Mary of Zion in Axum.

It's watched over by a single guardian monk 24/7.

Does this monk know martial arts?

Tell me this, is there anything into tryin' to strike up some sort of friendship with this monk fella?

Convince him to bring the Ark over here?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

Years ago, I tried to make small talk with the fellow when he came up for air... not a good idea.

Besides, if anyone actually sees the Ark, they will implode.

Whoo. Well, that sounds like that would suck.

Frankincense.

Penicillin.

Sweetheart, those are wonderful ideas, they really are, but, uh, we don't need to waste Don's time findin' penicillin, baby, 'cause we are... the world has that already.

What about a scuba expedition to the bottom of the Red Sea?

Search for the remains of Pharaoh's army?

Gold chariots, breastplates, and the like?

Well, the Red Sea's roughly 170,000 square miles of open water.

I'm not sure I'd know where to begin.

Well, I'll tell you where to begin, Don.

Faith. You got me there.

But dredging the ocean floor's an operation that's way out of our budget range.

I'd say our current resources are best suited for land excavation.

Don, this is hard.

Oh, this is tough. I got a jumble of thoughts just going on like there's a fog.

Like Lucifer has farted inside my brain.

Well, what sort of, uh, artifacts do you think will be more reasonable?

Well, there's one object that's eluded me for years.

I'm goin' after... the Goliath skull.

That is brilliant.

Goliath's skull.

Don, I'm gonna get you some SkyMiles and we're gonna get you to Israel.

You know about the road to Jericho?

No, I don't. Well, it's a long story.

I don't want to get into it right now, but the Valley of Kidron and the Valley of Josaphat... I'm stuck between left and right.


So, Carol, is this your first time in the Valley of Elah?

Okay, right now we're standing in the very creek bed where David collected his five stones.

That means the Philistine army would have camped over here and the Israelites would have camped... over there.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Military protocol of the day would put David and Goliath somewhere right here in the middle.

To pinpoint a more exact location, you go stand over there, Boaz.

Let's see how this thing would've played out.

You better not sling that rock at me, Don.

This will give us a general area of where they might have buried the skull.

Hold that shovel above your head so I have about six cubits.

Now, if I'm David, I'm thinkin', "I've got to swing this contraption as hard as I can.

I'm probably only gonna get one chance at this."

And then David begins to pray for a kill shot right between the Philistine's eyes.

Carol!

Carol!

Are you all right?

You hit her in the uterus, Don. I am so sorry, Carol.

The sling just fell apart on me it's... it's... it's clearly not a reliable weapon.

Can you breathe? Yeah.

Well, let's all gather 'round for a word of prayer.

Okay.

Dear Lord, we are indeed grateful that Carol's flesh was not harmed.

Bless her with renewed vigor.

We pray, Lord, that when I throw this river stone in the air, that it may land in the general area of where we should begin to dig, that we might be able to locate the remains of that heartless Philistine.

Yay, even Goliath. Amen.

All right, there she is.

Let's start diggin'.

"Remember, my child, I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

Our Lord and Savior said that.

I know you people don't respect him as a deity, so I figured you may have missed one of his best one-liners.

Hey! Hey!

Stay cool, I'll handle this.

Shabbat shalom.

Mazel tov. Mazel tov. He says it's illegal to dig here.

Why are you digging here?

He said, "Shut your face, you."

Hey!

Well, I was told to pack a shovel when touring these parts in case of inclement bowels.

No toilets anywhere.

He says you can't come here to our country and bury your caca.

You need a government permit to dig here.

If we don't put it back, everybody to jail.

Move!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

There's no need for that.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

We will return everything to exactly the way it was and be on our way.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.


This is Don. Don, it's Tony. How are ya?

I'm good, Tony, I'm really... I'm good.

How's everything goin' there? I just really wanted to check up on your progress.

You know, people are chompin' at the bit here to see the head of that Philistine.

Well, Tony, I... we're gettin' close. Yeah, you think you'll be able to wrap it up there in the next day or two?

I know your return trip is on Friday.

Praise God, I think there's an 80% chance.

Those odds have me a little worried, Don.

Well, we've already located the burial site.

At this point, it's just a matter of digging.

Hmm. Okay.

Well, I gotta be honest with you, Don, we need that skull.

The fate of thousands of people's very souls are in the balance here. I understand that.

I mean, their fate is... is barely hangin' on by a thread.

If they do not have this second witness, we could lose these people forever.

Can you imagine that?

I promise you, I will not return until I have Goliath's head in my carryon.

All right. Well, I never doubted you, Don.

Why don't you go ahead and get some shut eye?

I'm sure it's pretty late over there in the Holy Land.

Will do, Tony. Thank you.

God speed. Good night to you.


Come on, now.

Please don't be cremated.


Dear Lord, please forgive me for what I'm about to do.

And I know that someday this man will be resurrected and his members will be made whole again.

Until that day comes, I pray that his remains will be put to good use and bring You many new souls unto Thee.

Amen.


Hello? Carol, I need you to wake up.

I'm up.

I was wrong about our location yesterday.

They never would've buried Goliath there.

It's just too obvious.

That police officer yesterday was God's way of telling us that we were on the wrong path.

Well, where could it be, then?

Praise God, we'll find out.

What is this place?

This is the ancient village of Gath.

Goliath's birthplace.

We all need to keep our eyes peeled for any natural landmarks... a... a monument of sorts.

What about that monolith right there?

What monolith? Right there.

That's not a bad idea.

All right, boys, let's head over there.

Good thinkin' there, Carol.

You have really great ideas, Carol.

All right, Carol, this is your call.

You take the lead on this one.

Well, to me, this monolith represents the physical strength of Goliath.

So, it only makes sense that they would've used something like this as a grave marker.

Dang, you're a natural.

Where should we start digging?

Right here.

All right, boys, you heard the lady.

Let's get to it.

Everyone be careful. Most Philistine graves in this region are quite shallow.

That being said, let's dig fast.

Don't want any looky-loos showin' up.

Don.

I hit something.

Okay. Ho, ho, ho... everyone stop.

Where is it? Right there.

Carol, can you hand me that brush from my kit?

I can see a chunk of bone. Let's not get carried away.

Ooh! Is that the dome of a skull?!

Phew. Certainly appears that way.

Wow.

Carol, would you do the honors?

No, I'm afraid I'll break it. You do it.

All right, next time.

Get that bag ready.

Oh, my God.

I don't believe it. That's... the skull of Goliath.

Hey! Hey! T-these guys just found the skull of Goliath!

All right. Let's get out of here.

Can I come in, Don?

Sure. What can I do you for?

I was just thinking about the incredible discovery we made today.

Another big win for Christianity, huh?

Your people, too.

You should be proud of yourself. Shalom.

Your shovel made first contact.

I guess you're right.

I just found it a little strange that... we found the skull in the very first place we started digging.

My brother and I both agree that that ground felt very soft.

Almost like somebody had already dug it up.

I'm sure you can guess where I'm going with this, Don.

No, Boaz. Actually, I don't.

Oh, don't you? It just seemed a bit convenient, don't you think?

What we experienced today is nothing short of a miracle.

Don't ever forget that. God has always said, "My ways are not your ways."

Hey, hey. Hey, hey. What the hell?

Hey, hey, hey. Mind your business. What is wrong with you?!

You sick, sick man, Don.

Easy, now, Boaz. Let's... let's talk about this, all right?

No, there's nothing to talk about.

You're a grave robbing creep!

Dismembering the head of Johnny Jerusalem?!

Johnny Jerusalem is a hero here!

Listen to me now, Boaz!

I was always gonna put him back.

Give him the proper hero's burial, but you need to understand why I had to do this.

I-I-I'm doin' it for the good of everyone.

I should report you to the authorities right now.

Let's not be rash here.

I'm sure there's somethin' we can work out between us.

You trying to bribe me, Don?

I don't want your filthy luka.

Well, wh... what do you want?

I want to come to the States.

I want to live the American Dream for a while.

And get a Pontiac.

And I want the Levi's jeans, acid wash, super taper.

Like John Stamos.

I want a wife, Don. I'm lonely here.

She has to be gentle and sweet and hot like stripper.

Well, that can be arranged.

But on one condition, now.

I need you to bear witness to the skull.

You're gonna have to be a part of this for a bit.

Maybe even share how the experience has caused you to consider Christianity, but you're still on the fence about the whole ordeal.

Christians love hearin' that thing from a real-live Jew.

What do you say? Do we have a deal?

You better start lining up some hot chicks for me, Don.

Amen.

Hey, t-these guys just found the skull of Goliath!

Let's get out of here.

One of those tourists uploaded it this morning.

It already has over 1,000 views.

Let's hope the authorities don't see it before we're airborne.

Put that away.

They got a lot of undercovers on these Jew planes.

Stick it below the seat in front of ya.

Sorry, Carol.

Keep a close eye on it. Be gentle, now.

I think it's broken.

If Satan can get in there and get you to start your day off wrong, he's gonna do it. Trust me.

And he's gonna do it through breakfast cereal.

Kay?

Listen to some of the deviant names of these cereals.

Grape-Nuts.

Grape-Nuts!

Nice try, Satan.

Nuts, testicles.

Come on. Don't get that image in my head in the morning.

Banana Nut Crunch.

Yeah, we know what the nuts are, we've established that.

Bananas?

We know what that is.

It's a penis.

Well, I'm here to tell you that each and every time you spoon into a bowl of Lucky Charms, you might as well be partaking of Lucifer's sacrament.

I mean, come on!

Turn it around! Let's get God cereal in ya!

Start the day off with a little God in your life.

You know what I eat?

I eat Life.

I eat Raisin Bran.

I eat Special K.

Right? Special K.

Come... come right now. It's on TV.

Oh. Brothers and sisters, let's all take a 15-minute recess.

Fontaine, I'm tellin' you, you could really be screwed here, man.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, at this time, I would like to introduce to you the people sitting here to my left.

First we have Boaz Yohalem, field supervisor and Israeli national.

Next to him Carol Jensen, chief research assistant.

And, finally, world-famous archaeologist, Donald Verdean.

Mr. Verdean is also the president and CEO of BibleQuest Enterprises, headquartered in Duchesne, Utah.

Now, at this time, I'd like to hand the floor over to Mr. Verdean so he can share with you the evidence of his latest find.

I'm gonna book you a massage right now.

Earlier this month on a routine dig in Israel, Miss Jensen, Mr. Yohalem and myself unearthed the remains of a very large human skull containing a river stone embedded in the frontonasal suture.

This discovery was made in Gath, the ancient birthplace of Goliath.

And I'm gonna quit talkin' about it and let you be the judge.

Mr. Verdean, how tall was he? Question. Question.

Over here. Question right here, Mr. Verdean.

I want you to find the home addresses of everyone involved in this broadcast.

And I want you to go to their homes and put a dead dog in each one of their cars.

First question, right over here.

How do you respond to critics who claim this is all a big hoax?

Well, I invite critics everywhere to take a good, hard look at the evidence and, uh, make a decision.

Bone shavings from the skull will soon be taken to the lab for radio carbon analysis.

So you see, it's all scientific.

Tell them the truth, Don.

What?

I think you should really tell the truth.

Tell them how we were chased by three al-Qaeda guys on "motorcyc-les."

Oh, yeah, well, I-I tried to forget about that.

It was, uh... Will you please tell us about this run-in with al-Qaeda?

Uh... well, yes, as you already know word of our discovery spread quickly and not 10 minutes after we were on the road with the skull, we were followed by three masked men on motorcycles...

With AK-47s.

...with AK-47s. Uh...

I immediately took evasive action and I knocked all three of them off the road.

What al-Qaeda would want with the skull of a Philistine, I have no idea.

They're possibly cloning an army of giant al-Qaeda guys.

Uh...

What makes you think they were from al-Qaeda?

Well, I've received numerous death threats since the incident that, uh... confirm they were indeed al-Qaeda operatives.

Indeed they had... were wearing those crazy hats.

Thank you, Dan. Now, I tell ya, if I had my druthers, the very next thing we'd be goin' after... the wreckage of Noah's vessel.

I'm not talkin' about the Ark, there was this... an earlier prototype.

It's more of a recreational vehicle.

I believe his boys wrecked it across a rocky shore when they were gallivanting one evening.

If I can put that piece of the puzzle together, I can finally close the door on all this dinosaur nonsense, prove that that stuff never existed.

Just a hodgepodge of different reptilian bones.

I'm sure if you're familiar with the old, uh, '80s cartoon "Vultron."

Familiar with that? I believe they were crime-fighters of some nature.

They all had their own machines, but together the machines would form a giant machine.

And I do believe that that is what we can discover.

That these bones, these relics, they're just like a little Vultron of reptilians.

It was all tiny ones kinda fell together to form something that looks like a creature.

Have I lost ya? Appreciate you bein' here.

Right.

Well...

Hey, Carol. How you holdin' up?

Boy, I'm sure you're not used to this much limelight, though.

You really glowed up there today.

Stop it, Don.

Did you plan that publicity stunt with Boaz?

What? No, no, no.

Because I would like to be forewarned the next time you decide to lie to the entire Christian nation.

Carol, I-I'm... I'm sorry, but Boaz caught me totally off-guard.

I-I-I didn't know what to say, so I just rolled with it.

But I sure as heck didn't ask him to lie for me.

Well, you know, in life I had to learn that sometimes the small untruths are necessary for the greater good.

My sentiments exactly.

But you know the second those lies hurt the ones you love, the sin is on you.

He also was in the Masad training program for about three months.

Weapons training, counter-intelligence, making booby-traps, kicking... Would you excuse us for just a moment?

I just want to talk to Dr. Yohalum for a second.

I'm just talking to the lady about the... Yes. Yes.

What in the Sam Hill were you thinkin' in there?!

Al-Qaeda, Boaz?! Cloning?!

You don't know a damn heck thing about the media, do you, Don?

I was saving you up there! You were suffering.

Those people were bored, they were yawning.

They couldn't give a rat's butthole about your Goliath skull until I mentioned al-Qaeda.

We're front page news now.

Everybody wants a piece of us.

Piece of you. Piece of me. Piece of all of us.

This is my operation, Boaz.

Anything you say or do need to run by me first!

You understand? Do you understand that we're partners now?

I've started drumming up some business from some new clients.

What?! We should cut bait with this... this Tony guy.

We could be making serious luka from big-time collectors.

No, no, no, no. Hold on. That's not why I do this.

A Chinese billionaire emailed me two minutes ago.

He wants to finance us.

I told him we're onto something big, Don.

Something really big.

The Holy Grail of Biblical artifacts.

And what might that be?

The Holy Grail.

You're an idiot. Are you jokin' me?

I'm not a joking you, Don.

And apparently he just leaked that to the press.

Well, you've just turned this into a royal crap storm.

How in the heck are we gonna find that?!

The same way we found the Goliath skull, I guess.

We fabricate it.

Don't walk away from this, Don.

I'm the one who knows your dirty little secret.

Don! Hold on. Let me holler at you for a moment.

Hey, Tony, hey. How are ya?

What's going on? I-I just talked to a reporter in there.

He said you were thinkin' about jumpin' ship?

Go work for some Chinese billionaire. That's not true, is it?

Tony, I don't know what to say.

A lot of big things have happened today. All right, well, what's he offering you? You gotta give me the opportunity to match his offer.

Well, Tony, I...

I'm sorry, Tony, I never planned it to happen like this, but...

This is just too big an opportunity to pass up.

You know, I don't believe this.

I thought you and I were friends.

Real soldiers in the Lord's army.

But you've turned out to be a Judas Iscariot

Wait, Tony, I... Good day to you, sir.

Tony, my hands are tied here! I...

There are a few items of business I want to discuss with you.

Keep your voice down. All right.

First item, if you're worried about the analysis of the Goliath skull, don't be.

Boaz has taken care of it.

Excuse me? I offered the lab tech guy

10 grand to fake the results.

You just what? Don't worry about the money, Don.

I'll take care of that, too. I'm gonna negotiate an advance when we have our Skype call with Poon-Yen tomorrow.

Who's Poon-Yen?

Poon-Yen. That's what I said. Poon-Yen.

No, you said Poon-Yen, it's Poon-Yen.

He's the Chinese guy that's paying us to find the Holy Grail.

Second item of business,

I want one night with Carol.

Absolutely not.

You offered to find me a wife, Don, that was part of the deal.

Just one night with Carol.

Not lovemaking, just dancing, talking, flirting, having fun. Smelling each other's hair.

Absolutely not. Carol's her own woman.

I can't make her do anything.

You and I both know that she'll do just about anything for the cause.

I need you to make this happen, Don.

Don't forget about what's at stake here.

I'll see you 9:00 AM tomorrow for the Skype call with Poon-Yen.

Make up a good story about where we find this Grail.

Boaz.

Boaz.

Hello? Carol, it's Don.

Hi. Carol, I'm sure you've heard already, but I-I just wanna tell you myself.

We're now being financed by a wealthy Christian fellow from China.

Oh, I know, it's all over the Internet.

What did Tony say?

Well, he didn't take very kindly to it, but, uh, we're still on the Lord's errand and that's what matters.

Uh... uh, Carol, I had a great conversation with Boaz today.

He was askin' me all kinds of deep questions about Christianity and the search for truth.

I think he might be interested in gettin' saved.

Really? Oh, that's wonderful.

I was wonderin' if you might be able to spend some time with him tomorrow night, bear witness of your conversion story.

I think that might help him get to the finish line a little quicker.

Oh, absolutely! It would be my pleasure!

Thank you, Carol. Hallelujah.

I'll go ahead and let him know. I'm sure he'll look forward to hearin' your story.

Good night. Oh, good night.


Poon-Yen, hi.

We realize your time is precious, so we're gonna get straight to the business.

My business partner's right here. Don Verdean.

Pleasure to meet ya, Poon-Yen.

Hello, Don. I'm a big fan of your work.

I have all your DVD. Thank you.

Uh, Don is going to brief you on what he knows about the location of the Holy Grail.

Uh, many people believe the Grail is buried on a booby-trapped island off of Nova Scotia.

Even Franklin D. Roosevelt blew a significant load of cash tryin' to find it there, but the Knights Templar were tricky fellows.

Oh, yes, those... those damn bastards.

But based on my study of the Kensington Runestone, I believe I have a mountain of evidence that places the Grail on an Indian reservation in the American Southwest.

Oh, that's very interesting! Which Indian reservation is it?

Of course, that information is confidential until we've formally entered into an agreement.

That's right. Don's right.

We're going to need a substantial retainer fee um, before we can begin. For our services.

Oh, uh, how much of my money do you want?

Um, a million dollars sound okay?

A million dollars sounds okay. Sure... certainly be a start.

So, when can we go look for the Grail?

Well, give us a few days to organize our game plan and we'll call you. Sound great!

Uh, so how will you be paying us?

We've got a few urgent matters we need to take care of.

Oh, when I fly out for the dig, I will bring you cash.

Is there any way that you could wire us the money right now?

Uh, maybe, I don't know, 10 grand to... to hold us over till then?

I'm sorry. Can you say again?

I can't understand you say. What you say?

Oh, is there any way that you can wire us the money straight away? Like, say, maybe 10 grand maybe?

Your accent are very strong. Can you say again?

Is there any way you can wire us the money straight away, maybe? Just to tide us over.

Perhaps, about 10 grand?

Hey, no problem. I'll just, uh... send me your bank account number.

Okay, thank you. We'll do that straight away.

Okay, fantastic. Uh, goodbye, gentlemen.

And that is what I'm talking about.

Ooh, shalom!


Ah, good evening, Carol.

You're lookin' very nice.

Oh, Boaz.

I didn't know this was a formal event.

Just a little bit of light dancing and maybe some cocktails for two.

I brought you an outfit.

Where we're going has a strict dress code.

Okay, I just need a minute.

Can I...

Wow.

You look great!

♪ Come on, baby, down to paradise ♪

♪ Tell some stories over cheese and wine ♪

♪ I can see the sun goin' down in your eyes... ♪

So, Carol, I've been meaning to ask you since I met you what qualities are you looking for in a mate?

Oh, um...

I'm sorry, Boaz, I was under the impression you had some questions about Jesus of Nazareth.

Oh, yeah.

What is it that you like about that guy?

Well, um... he was kind, handsome, merciful, forgiving.

He's the perfect man.

So, I guess, that's what I'm looking for in somebody.

Looks like your Lord and me have a lot in common.

We grew up in the same neighborhood and we walked the same streets under the same sunshine.

E-excuse me?

We're both Jewish guys.

Shall we dance?


So, Carol, tell me do you want children?

Your hips say that you can handle many.

Oh, well, your hips do spread a little after childbirth.

What? Oh, didn't Don tell you I have a son?

He's at the Wayne County Correctional Facility.

Oh, he's in jail.

So I won't have to provide for him.

I don't want to provide for another's son.

Carol, wait!

Don promised me a night with you!

Don't go! He promised me!

Please!

♪ I'm here with you ♪

♪ I'm here with you... ♪

Carol, what on Earth happened to you?

Are you all right?

Oh, well, I see my pimp has finally decided to check up on me.

What are you talking about?

You know what I'm talkin' about!

One night with Boaz?!

I'm no Potiphar's wife!

I am so sorry, Carol. I-I... he just said he wanted to get to know you better.

Did he hurt you? You know, Don, I think it's time you find yourself a new research assistant.

You are a really great dancer.

Aah!

Ow!

Ow!

Don!

Ooh!

We've got a major problem.

I hate this guy, man. This lab tech guy, I hate this guy.

He's a "dootchbag". What'd he say?

He says that the press have been hounding him and hounding him and unless he sees some money today... he wants it in cash. Wait a minute.

You haven't paid him yet?! I haven't paid him because...

Oh! Poon-Yen hasn't paid me yet. Okay?

So don't blame me, Don. Don't put it on me.

How am I supposed to bring the money?

Produce it from my anus?

I understand we owe you some money.

Hell, yeah, you do.

Well, we apologize for the delay, our money's been tied up in an offshore account, but if you give us another day or two we'll double your offer maybe even throw in a bucket of chicken or somethin'.

I need cash now.

That was the deal.

If you can't make that happen, I'll send everyone the real results.

It's that simple. We... we understand.

Okay, drop the phone.

Oh, whoa. Boaz! What are you doing? Put the phone down.

Do you think I'm fooling around, creep?

I said drop the phone!

Boaz, put the gun down.

Please.

Oh, my Lord.

Get into the car.

Come on, get in the trunk of the car.

Get in the Fiero!

Just... see if you can fit in there.

Don, help get these... No! I'm not helpin' you do nothin'!

Tuck your knees together, maybe.

You're gonna crush his skull.

He's not gonna fit in there.

Put that gun away!

Listen to me now, Boaz, this just got real serious.

You better tell me right now what you plan to do with this guy.

Make yourself comfortable.

If you promise to stay put for the next few days, you'll get 50 grand and we can all pretend like this never happened.

Understand? Yeah, sure.

As I surveyed the landscape with our expedition team, a large monolith caught my attention, and somethin' inside me just knew that's where we had to start digging.

So, following my lead, that is precisely what we did.

And within minutes, we unearthed the skull.

It must have been the hand of the Lord that guided us that day.

I don't know how else to explain it.

I understand you've parted ways with Don Verdean.

Would you mind explaining what happened, exactly?

Well, after a while, some people start to chase money, I suppose.

But I am here to promote the faith.

Are you suggesting Don Verdean made a pact with Lucifer, then?

Uh, no, no. No, Don is an honest, gentle man.

He would never side with The Dark One.

Not even if it were to help him find the Grail?

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man who stilled the water ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man who calmed the sea ♪

♪ Take a look at yourself ♪

♪ And you can look at others differently ♪

♪ By puttin' your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man from Galilee ♪

♪ My mama taught me how to pray ♪

♪ Before I reached the age of seven ♪

♪ She said ♪ ♪ They'll come a time ♪

♪ When there'll probably be room in heaven ♪

♪ But I'm feelin' kinda guilty 'bout the number of times ♪

♪ To do what we must do ♪

♪ But we forget what He said ♪

♪ Then we figure they'll still make room ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man who stilled the waters ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man who calmed the sea ♪

♪ Take a look at yourself ♪

♪ And you can look at others differently ♪

♪ By puttin' your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man from Galilee ♪

♪ Everybody come a long ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man who stilled the waters ♪

♪ Put your hand in the hand ♪

♪ Of the man who calmed the sea... ♪ How stupid is this Poon-Yen guy?

We are now inviting those passengers with small children and any passengers requiring special assistance to begin boarding at this time.

Please have your boarding pass and identification ready.

Regular boarding will begin in approximately 10 minutes. Thank you.

Ni hao ma.

How was your flight from the Orient, sir?

It was fine. When do we leave for the Grail?

In 25 minutes.

We chartered a helicopter to take us deep inside the Indian reservation.

They'll set us down about one click south of the Templar cave.

Now, after that, we'll have under three hours to penetrate the cave, locate the Grail, and rendezvous back at our extraction point.

You're gonna need to wear this.

The cave is guarded 24/7 by Native American warriors, we don't wanna take any chances.

All right, let's roll in!

I got five helicopters just like this at home.

I replaced all the engine with Rolls Royce engine.

That... that's great, Poon-Yen.


Okay, so our latest intel says that the guards work in 12-hour shifts.

It takes them 15 minutes to ride the horse out of the canyon and another 15 for the replacement guard to ride back.

By my calculations we got a 30 minute window in which to fetch the Grail.

Okay, now's our chance. Let's move.

I can't believe we're so close to the Grail.

I can feel its power inside me!

Well, hopefully, we can all get a cell.

All right.

Better get them lanterns on. We haven't much time.

All right. Let's sally forth.

Maybe we should pray. You bet.

That's a great idea. Um...

Why don't you take the lead on this one?

Okay.

Dear Lord, please guide us safely to Your Holy Grail of wonders.

We promise to take good care of it.

Amen.

Amen. That was good. Amen.

How you feelin'? We should get that... you wanna power through?

I feel that God is on our side.

Well, let's sally forth, then.


Poon-Yen, this is all you, buddy.


It's more beautiful than I ever imagined.

And to think that the lips of your Lord graced this very cup.

Plenty of time to examine it later. Put it in here.

Let's roll.

Come on. Let's go!

Head for the safety of the trees!

They're shooting!

Hurry! Hurry!

Get down! Get down!

The Indian guys. They're shooting at us!

Do they know we have the Grail?

I think we're trapped.

What should we do?

They won't stop shooting!

I've been hit. Oh, no! Oh, no!

Ow!

Oh, my God! It's bad.

They must have hit an artery.

It's okay. I need a tourniquet or a bandage or... tissue paper, anything! I'm sorry, Boaz, I-I-I think this will take nothing short of a miracle.

Oh! What about the Holy Grail?!

Poon-Yen, fill the Grail with water.

It contains the secret of eternal life.

I'll go fill 'er up. Stay calm.

Just breathe.

He's bleeding really bad.

It hurts!

Just focus on God.

Hold still. This could hurt.

It's working!

Praise the Lord!

I don't believe it because that...

I was in pain and now it's all healed.

It really is the Holy Grail!

Hallelujah. All right, let's go.

Yeah, I think we still may have time to make the rendezvous.

Poon-Yen!

Hey! Cease fire! Cease fire!

I thought you told them to use blanks!

They didn't have any blanks, I told them to fire above our heads.

Poon-Yen!

Dr. Odain, you're needed in Oncology.

Dr. Odain in Oncology.

What did you tell them?

I told them it was a hunting accident.

I wish that guy would just hand over our money.

We gave them the Grail, what more do they want?

Shut up, Boaz. He can't understand me.

Can't speak English.

I should just stick him up right now and done with it.

Listen here, Boaz.

You easily the stupidest man I've ever met.

Bringing you out here was the biggest damn mistake of my entire life.

As soon as we pay off that lab tech, you and I are done.

I don't ever wanna see or hear from you ever again. You understand me?

Let's just call it quits right now, then. Shall we?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't do this.

Hold on, now.

Don't do this, Boaz.

Come on!

Good riddance, Don, you washed up, old hack.

Stay here.

Security wanted in the parking lot three.


Give me the case. No!

Give me the case! No, Don, no!

Open it up.

Chang, it's me, Fontaine.

You're not gonna believe this, but the Sherriff's department just found the lab guy locked up in a storage unit.

The GPS I stuck on their car led 'em right to him.

So, I-I'm with the police.

We're waiting for some backup and then we'll be right over.

Thank you so much for your help with this.

We got 'em.

We were set up.

We were set up!

Poon-Yen was working for Fontaine this whole time, and his name is Chang!

He doesn't have a billion dollars.

They've been tracking us!

You better hit the road, buddy.

What about you? Where are you gonna go?

It's better if we split up.

Stupid bastard. Stupid, greedy bastard!

Ah, that's him! Go, go, go, go!

Oh, man.

Oh, no!

How do you do this? Is there a button or...

Hello? Somebody?

I'm in a-a police car and we need a spike strip.

Get me snipers, get me SWAT.

I want to set up a roadblock from Kern to Hawthorne.

Can't you ram them or something?

Let's see if you pigs can beat a Pontiac.

Main Street! They're on Main Street!

We're only going 35?! Come on, step on it!

Do a pit maneuver or something!

Oh, man. Oh, no.

Don't shoot! Get your hands up!

Get your hands above your head! Don't shoot.

Get over here! We got him!

You have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say... That's enough, buddy.

...can be held against you. Okay.

You are done, man. You and Verdean are done!

Tony Lazarus's church is crap!

Huh? How does it feel? It feels great, man.

Yeah, I'm sure it does.

You had a hand in taking it down.

A huge hand, and I give you a hand for that.

Get him out of here. Get him to jail.

Yeah!

Whoo!

Carol. Carol!

♪ I started a joke ♪

♪ Which started the whole world crying... ♪ I don't know how to tell you this, but...

I'm a...

I'm a charlatan.

I don't understand. I stole the Goliath skull from a grave in Jerusalem... and I buried it in Gath.

I never meant to hurt anybody, I just wanted to give people a reason to believe.

How long have you been doin' this?

It was just the skull.

Carol, I swear.

If I have to spend the rest of my life tryin' to earn your forgiveness, I will.

I love you, Carol. Hey, get down on your knees.

Put 'em up! Right now!

♪ I ♪

♪ Looked at the sky ♪

♪ Running my hands ♪

♪ Over my eyes... ♪ Bye.

♪ And I fell out of bed ♪

♪ Hurting my head ♪

♪ From things that I said ♪

♪ Till I finally died ♪

♪ Which started the whole... ♪ We are standing just outside the recently foreclosed on Friendship Harvest Temple where Pastor Fontaine is accused of... there he is now!

Not today. Get that thing out of my face. Pastor Fontaine, what do you have to say about the misuse...

You don't know what you're talking about. ...of church funds to hire local restaurateur Chang... Don Verdean is the fraud.

Not me and that's all I have to say. Your actions were in fact fraudulent... This interview is done!

...even un-Christian! Done!

Reverend Lazarus, what has this been like for you and for your flock since Mr. Verdean was convicted of fraud, larceny, aggravated assault, and accessory to kidnapping?

Well, as you can imagine, it has been very, very difficult.

It's been tough times.

Tough for my marriage, tough for my members, tough for my very faith.

But I do believe that Don Verdean has a good heart, and I believe his heart was in the right place.

So, Don, I forgive you.

And if you are watchin' this, I think the Lord forgives you, too.

Amen.

Let's go.

Whoo.

So, have you joined a gang yet?

Gotta join a gang, Don, I'm telling you.

I'm in the Jewish Brotherhood with Todd Katzenberg.

Todd's a tough guy, man.

A good accountant, too.

We're called the "He-bros."

I can get you in... but we might have to jump you first.

No, thank you, Boaz, I'm doin' all right.

Okay.

I made you something.

Check it out.

It's a toothbrush/shiv.

This part can brush your teeth, this part is a knife.

Brush, stab. Brush, stab.

Take it, Don, I made this one for you.

It's okay, I've got another one in my butt crack.

No, thank you.

Anytime, anywhere, any place.

I'll be here to protect you.

Shalom.

Shalom.


Mind if I sit down?

My name's Don.

Hey.

Your mother named Carol?

Yeah. I know your mother, son.

♪ Sing it now ♪ ♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Make me love everybody ♪

♪ Makes me love everybody ♪

♪ Makes me love everybody ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ It was good for all the children ♪

♪ It was good for all the children ♪

♪ It was good for all the children ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ It was tried in the fiery furnace ♪

♪ It was tried in the fiery furnace ♪

♪ It was tried in the fiery furnace ♪

♪ And it's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Oh, give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ It will do when I'm dyin' ♪

♪ It will do when I'm dyin' ♪

♪ It will do when I'm dyin' ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ It can take us all to heaven ♪

♪ It can take us all to heaven ♪

♪ It can take us all to heaven ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Well, give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good enough for me ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ Give me that old-time religion ♪

♪ It's good ♪

♪ Enough ♪

♪ For me. ♪