Donovan's Reef (1963) Script

Is that the island of Haleakaloha?


We ain't stopping, huh?


You remember when I signed on this bucket you promised we'd be at Haleakaloha by the seventh.

Well, this is the seventh.

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, well, what do you know?

Me, Boats Gilhooley, 6 hitches in Uncle Sam's navy, and here I get shanghaied, huh?

Ha ha ha ha.

Can you imagine what they'll say at Pearl?

Yeah, when this news gets to Diego, huh, that'll be a little bit funny, I'll bet.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah. Well, good thing I got a sense of humor, huh?

Ha ha ha... ooh!

Permission to leave the ship.

Man overboard!

Hey, I'll bring you before the mast!

I'll throw you in the brig, you little mutineer!

Ha ha ha ha ha!


Hi, Dad!

Dad! Ohh!

Hi, Pop!

Hi, Dad!

I caught a fish!

Me, too!

Sit down in the boat.

Ho ho!

Sister Angelique. Sister Mary Margaret.


Hi, sailor.

Sister Angelique, would you accept some nice fish from a sinner?

Was that good or bad, sister?

Very good, Michael.

Thank you.

Hey, get back in that boat, you little pirate!

You about ready to take off, Doc?

I have a few calls to make first.

Oh. How long you figure to be gone?

Oh, a week, maybe 2.

Never can tell what's gonna happen on the outer islands.


Look in on the kids occasionally, will you?

Don't worry. Don't I always?

All right, Sam, shove off.

To the Minister of Foreign Affairs, from the governor of Haleakaloha, French Polynesia.



My dear cousin, once again, I appeal to you to be rescued from this wretched island.

If you could but see me living under the most primitive conditions.

The food is deplorable.

The heat unbearable.

And the plumbing, uh...

Ha ha. The plumbing defies description.

How can one bathe when there's no hot water?

Uh... let's see, where was I?

Hot water, sir.

In conclusion, my dear cousin, I respectfully request transfer to, uh, uh...

Miami Beach?

Splendid. Miami Beach.

Or, uh, or possibly, uh... uh, Hollywood, California.


Signed, Marquis Andre DeLage, Baron de Fienna, officer de legion d'honneur, chevalier de marche, so forth and so on.

Here we go.

Uncle Andy!

Mahalo, Sam.


Hi, Uncle Andy!

Hi, Uncle Andy!

Hello, Andre.

How's the coffee holding out?

Right over there. Help yourself.

How was the fishing?

I caught one...


That big.

Ha ha ha ha.

And to you, my dear Guns, a very, very happy birthday.


Oh, Uncle Andy, you spoiled our surprise.

And I baked a birthday cake.

With 100 candles.

With 150.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.


Yeah. Ha ha ha.

It's a real surprise.

Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll have a nice party tonight, and a big batch of lemon...




Oh, Uncle Gun, please don't fight.

Don't spoil our party.

You stay out of this!

Go on, Uncle Guns, and knock his block off!

I'll knock both his blocks off.

Come on, kids, you're going home.

Good-bye, Uncle Andy.


Gilhooley! Gilhooley! Gilhooley!

Gilhooley! Gilhooley! Gilhooley!

Come on, girls! Come on!

Come on!

Oh, you lovely, lovely ladies!

Hey! Ohh!


Ah, the police.

Well, if it ain't my old pal, Beau Geste.

Your passport, Gilhooley.

Naturally. And 2 bucks landing fee, huh?

Ah, hi, Padre.

Uh, uh, uh, how's the roof on the chapel holding up?


His first word and I am disarmed.

Here I have come to demand your deportation and you ask about the roof.

Well, why not? I paid for it, didn't I?

He gave the dough away, as usual, and the chapel still leaks, as usual.

Even more, as usual.

But what could I do?

The hurricane had, uh, swept Rorangi.

There was great need.

But what is a roof against, uh, starvation?

Stop! Stop it!

Alley. To the chapel with me.

Ah, now, wait, Padre.

You wouldn't want me to catch a cold in a leaky chapel, would you?

Uncle Guns, you promised.

Oh, now, everything's gonna be all right, Lelani, I swear.

Word of honor.

Now, you go on in there and take the kids.

And practice the piano.

Get a good thick frosting on that cake.

Luki! Sally!



Where is he?

Gone fishing.

Hey, you got a new mirror.

Ha ha ha ha.

Yeah, I figured it up once.

Counting all the broken mirrors, you and Donovan got 63 years of bad luck coming.

Hey, that's mine.

The monkeys have no tails in Zamboanga.

That's busted.

In Zamboanga...

In Zamboanga...

In Zamboanga...

In Zamboanga...

Ha ha ha ha!


That's still busted.

Come on!

Where does Donovan keep his clothes?

Same place.

Why not? The lug owes me one. It's my birthday.

Pick out a nice black one.

One you can be buried in!



LaFleur! Oh, baby!

Oh, darling.

Gangway! Gangway!

Come on!

Yeah, I know. Gilhooley.

Oh, you've come back to marry me.

Oh, now, look, LaFleur, you're the love of my life.

You're the only dame that meant anything to me, but...

I know.

I already told you I'd make a...

I got a wife in Hoboken.

And San Pedro, and San Diego, and Norfolk, Virginia.

That's right. You wouldn't want me up on a bigamy charge, would you?

Pardon me, LaFleur.

Gilhooley, no trouble.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

My suit!

You wouldn't want me to look like a bum, would you?

I'm your guest.

Ha ha.

22 years, huh, Boats?

Ha ha. Great.

Pals, huh?

No fights.

Guns, no fights?

22 years.




And the crowd.

Hey, monk, you...

Why don't you throw that guy in the brig, in the hoosegow?

I'm off duty, Guns.

You're always off duty... ohh!

Not the brandy, you dope!


Watch his left, tiger, watch his left!

Uhh! Uhh! Uhh!

Oh, no!



Oh, shut up!

They went that way.


All right, come on, knock it off!

Oh, knock it off, you two! As you were!


Look at you. You're worse than a couple of kids.

But, Doc... Line up! As you were!

You're at attention, Gilhooley.

Now, what started this rhubarb?

The fact that you both happen to be born on the same day?

Permission to speak.


What started it was this knothead tried to push a hootchy-kootchy dancer off on me in Panama.

Ha ha ha ha.


Well, what's wrong with that?

Nothing, except a marriage license and a wedding ring through my nose went with it.



Pearl Harbor, sir. A dame named Maybelle. M-A-Y-B-E-L-L-E. 2 Ls.

I never knew anybody named Maybelle in my whole life.

That's right. Her name wasn't Maybelle.

All right, that's enough from the both of you.

The simple and obvious fact is that neither of you remembers what started this ridiculous annual birthday brawl.

It will come to me, sir.

I'm sure it will. All right, come on, get out of there!

Both of you!

Cindy Lou?



Oh, sugar pie!

Come on, now, here we are, the 3 of us, on one of the most beautiful islands on Earth.

It's a fine day, the birthday of 2 men I've always been proud to call my friends.

We've been through one war together, bad and bloody days.

Now, let's put an end to this fight.

LaFleur, break out the beer.

All right, now shake hands.

You know, the doc's a great guy.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy... birthday!

Oh, Thomas!

Happy birthday to youse both.


Well, as usual, when there's dirt to be done, you hire me.

Some simple, honest matter, you hire Pennyfeather, Pennyfeather and Pennyfeather.

Now, the fact of the matter is, that with the death of your great-aunt Priscilla, this fellow out in the South Seas, this, uh, Dr. William Dedham, your father, Miss Dedham.

I have never met my father.

His name is not mentioned in the family.

Well, now, be that as it may, unless you find some way to keep him from inheriting this stock, you'll find yourself mentioning his name, and quite often, 'cause he'll be the big he-bull in that shipping company of yours.

I hope you ladies don't find my language too colorful.

Now, there's a clause in the will, it's in a good many of these Boston wills, although civilized people don't put such drivel in wills anymore, but it says if anyone can prove that the heir is not of good moral character, according to Boston standards, he may be deprived of his inheritance.

Well, now, if this Dr. William Dedham has been living on some South Sea island with those native girls, well, what I mean is, the man has probably behaved in a way that wouldn't suit Boston.

Now if you can prove that, you can cheat him out of his stock and his money.

Anyone object to me using the word ""cheat""?

We are waiting.

That is all. You'll have my bill in the morning.

Bon voyage, Miss Dedham.


Great Uncle Sedley?

No comment... with reservations.

Be pleased to take over.

Gentlemen, you may go in now.

"" Miss Amelia Dedham, daughter of Dr. Dedham, is arriving... E.T.A.

Estimated time of arrival.

1400. Signed, Captain Martin, ship Araner. ""

Well, there it is, gentlemen.

This is for you, the citizens of the United States, to decide.

It is not my pigeon.

The question is, does Miss Dedham know about her father?

You mean the kids?


Well, let her find out.

Ah, so you share my opinion that she doesn't.

Well, I can't see Doc Dedham hiding them in the jungle like they were something to be ashamed of.

Well, I don't know.

Now, if I was in the Doc's shoes...

Oh, Gilhooley.

Look, the dame's from Boston, remember.

Yes, and without warning, meeting a father she's never even seen, and being confronted by 3 children.

His children by some native woman.

A native woman? We know who she was.

Oh, my dear Michael, of course. Manulani.

We all loved her.

Native woman.

But how can this girl help reaching all the wrong conclusions?

Hey, I got an idea.

You know how I am when it comes to broads, huh?

So I meet her on the beach and I invite her up here.

And then what?

Then I slip her a mickey.

Oh, come on!


Gentlemen, I shall explain on the way.

On the way where?

To the house of Dr. Dedham, naturally.

Well, you know these wily Chinese.

Well, you were a big...

Now, shipmate!


Ta da da da da da da.

Hi, Uncle Guns.

Hi, Uncle Guns.


Hi. Padre.


Sounds great, Lelani.

I'd like to talk to you.


2 and 2 is 4, 4 and 4 is 8.

Keep it up. Keep it up.

You and the kids must move in with me and pretend you're mine.

But, Uncle Guns, I don't understand.

First you tell me I have a sister coming from America, and then you say we are to leave our home.

Only until your father returns.

But, Uncle Guns, wouldn't it be proper for me and my brother and sister to welcome her here... in the absence of my father?

The child is right. What you proposed is monstrous!

I hate this as much as you do, Padre.

But I'd cut my right arm off for the doc.

For a few days, mon pere.

Let's put it this way, Padre.

Remember when we was clobbering nips here in that delaying action?

It's the same principle, only this time we're fighting for the doc.

We're trying to buy him a little time so...


He can tell her in his own way.

I understand.

It's because I'm not white.



It's gonna be all right.

Don't worry.Just...

just trust me, hear?

It's gonna be all right.

Let go of your starboard anchor!

Come on, look lively, blast your eyes!

Step to it!

Ahoy, Mike!

Back water.

Go now.

I don't see your father here, Miss Dedham.

My father's not expecting me.

He doesn't know I'm coming.

I'm sorry. I took the liberty of sending him a radio.

Thank you very much, Captain.


Excuse me, miss.

Skipper, hi!

Have you a Miss Amelia Dedham from Boston aboard?


Name is Donovan.

Welcome to Haleakaloha.

Your father is on the low islands.

We'll see you ashore.

Thank you, Mr. McDonough.

The name is Donovan!

You'll have to take it careful, Miss Dedham...

Captain, I am quite capable of leaving a ship.

All right, ease your duff onto that rail now.

Uh, sit on the rail and swing your legs outboard.


Now, take it easy, ma'am. Take it easy.

All right, Sam.

Watch these swells.

Watch it, Sam. A little more starboard.

Easy now.

All right, Sam. All right.

Give me your hand.

Hard a-port.

Hey! I meant stern!


I don't need your help.

All right, this is no place to argue. Get in.


Of all the stupid, imbecilic oafs!

I read you loud and clear.

Thank you, Mr. whatever your name is.

Will you please take me ashore?

Oh, my bag!


Thank you.

Will you please take me ashore?

All right, Sam, head for the beach.

Um, uh, Mr. Eu, I do not believe this is the proper time to meet the very wealthy and marriageable Miss Dedham.

Get in.

Hey, the dame's all wet.

And so are you.

Well, this gentleman is from Massachusetts, also.

One of the Gilhooleys from Fall River.


Ain't I met you someplace before?


Hong Kong, huh?

I have not had the pleasure of meeting you in Hong Kong, nor Fall River.

Will you please drive on?

Yes, ma'am. Thank you, ma'am.

Uh, how much did you say she was worth, according to, uh, Dun & Bradstreet?

$ 18 million.

18? Well. Always my lucky number.

Wait here.

Show legs, please.

Very pretty, very pretty.

Mike Donovan, you've got a lot of nerve.

Wrap up in this until you're dry.

Then here's a dress.

No, thanks.

No sale.

Will you please take me to a hotel?

You'll sleep at your father's place or on the beach.

My father lives here?

Sure. Any complaints?

What is that building?

It's your father's hospital.

He built it.

If you're interested.

Miss Dedham, this is Yoshi and Koshi.

Oh, Missy-san. Irashamase.

You better get out of those wet clothes.

Here. Take her in and give her a hot bath.

I am quite capable of giving instructions to servants.

I am quite sure you are, Miss Dedham.

I'll go down to the beach and get your... bags.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Hey, there!


Whoa, son. It looks like we're going to have to face the music.

Uh, I'm sorry if we woke you up, but, uh, well, I know this is going to sound fishy, but the kid here forgot his Stan Musial cap.

His what?

My cap. The one Stan the Man sent me.

Said he couldn't sleep without it.


Oh, hi, Luki. Hello, Luki.

Hi, Koshi. Hi, Yoshi.

Bet you've never seen me up this late before, did you?

Pipe down.

Is this child your son?

Oh, uh, yeah. He's, uh, this is, uh, Luke.

But everyone calls me Luki.

And I have 2 sisters.

And I bet you they don't even know I'm out, huh, Uncle Guns?

I mean, Papa Guns?

What about your mother?


She's dead.

Oh, golly, I wish I was sleeping in my own bed.

It's high time you were in bed.

It's really none of my business, Mr., uh...


Well, you should be ashamed of yourself, taking a child out in a storm like this.

Me taking him out in a storm like this?

I've been chasing him all over the island.

Luki, how would you like to spend the night here?

Oh, boy. In a real bed instead of a hard old cot he makes me sl... me sleep on.

What do you got to complain about?

I'm sleeping in a hammock.

You fresh kid, I ought to belt you.

Really, Mr. Donovan, must you bully everyone?

Yoshi, please take him up to the big room.

Good night, Uncle Guns. Sleep tight.

That I intend to do. Good and tight.

Mr. Donovan, why don't you go home?

Or go to that saloon of yours.

You know, if you're typical of all fathers, I suddenly realize how grateful I am never to have seen my own. Good night.




Oh, Mademoiselle Dedham.

Well, and what are you doing here?

I slept here last night, and I can come back any time I want, right, Amelia?


Ah, may I have the honor to present myself.

I am the Marquis DeLage, governor of this island paradise, which finds in you its fairest flower.

Hot dog!

Well, it's...

It was my intent to greet you personally upon your arrival yesterday, but, alas, the duties of office.

Why that's... But here I am, such as I am.

To place myself and my automobile, uh, and you will observe, it's an American automobile. 1 (44.

Uh, complete with driver at your service, Mr. Eu.

Amherst, '52.

Mr. Eu.

If I may venture a suggestion, a scenic drive? A chilled aperitif?

I have a picnic basket. I'd be delighted to...

Well, that's very kind of you, Your Excellency, but I have promised to take Luki home this morning.

Knock if off, Uncle Andy!

Quit trying to horn in on my date.

Luki, your manners, remember?

Perhaps Your Excellency would be so kind as to drive us to Luki's father's?

Ah, the history of my life...

To reach towards the rose, only to be pierced by its thorn.

18 million bucks.

Morning, Padre.

Morning, monsieur.

Good morning, Padre. Captain.

That was a marvelous sermon this morning, Father.

La boite a jukes. La jukes box, there is no music?

I think it's busted, Father.

Busted? But I don't understand. Le Chinois de...

Oh, I wouldn't know anything about those things, Father.

I think it's busted.

Busted, huh? No music? Busted.

Hey, Amelia, let's have another date sometime?

Why, sure. But right now, you've got to get to school.

Ah, piano lessons.

Sorry, miss.

But Mr. Donovan don't allow no ladies in this joint.

Oh, really?

Well, that's quite all right, Sergeant.

I promise I won't start any, uh, rhubarbs.

Now hear this. Now hear this. Mayday.


Good morning, gentlemen.

Good morning.

My apologies, Mr. Donovan. Really, no women?

You're very welcome, Miss Dedham.

Actually, I came here on business.

Well, won't you sit down?

Thank you.

Captain, I should like to charter the Araner for however long it takes for me to find my father and then take me back to Honolulu.

Ahem, well, as to that...

The Araner is not for charter.

She has too much draft for the low islands.

Reefs and coralheads.

Thank you, Mr. Donovan.

I was speaking to the sailing master.

Captain, it should only be...

But I own the Araner.

And the Inishmoor and the Inishfree and several others.

You might say that we are rivals, competitors in the shipping business. Cigarette?

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Do you smoke?

Yes, I smoke.

Well, then perhaps, uh...

Rain check?

Mr. Donovan, I was quite rude last night.

Please accept my humble apologies.

I also was rather abrupt. Pax?


I was tired and frightened...

And wet.

Very wet. To come halfway around the world only to be told that...

Well, I wouldn't worry about your father, Miss Dedham.

He'll be back shortly.

He wouldn't want to miss Christmas with...

His patients and the hospital.

On the house, huh?

Oh, uh, how was my boy Luki? How did he behave?

Oh, he was charming.

Entertaining. Oh, and very educational.

I learned all about Mr. Musial's batting average and, uh, runs batted in, and then he fell asleep in my arms.

As Shakespeare said...


Dérangé, out of order and so forth.


Slot machine. It was shipped in here 6 years ago... busted.

It is still busted.

Well, why...

I do not attempt to explore the depths of the oriental mind, Miss Dedham.

Perhaps your Ivy League chaperone here could explain to my clients again that it is busted.

That's reasonable, Mr. Eu?

I will try to explain it to them in their barbarian tongue.

Carriage trade.

Lunch. The kids. My, uh, children.


Mozart, perhaps?

Oh, Joe College.

2 years. Football. Broken ankle.


Miss Dedham...

I'd like to have you meet the family.

Thank you.

You may find Father Cluzeot somewhat of a bully.

Hi, Amelia.


Father Cluzeot, I want you to meet Miss Dedham.

How do you do, Father?


And this is my oldest girl Lelani.


You play beautifully.

Thank you.

Uh, this is my other girl.

Well, you're a little doll.

So, what's your name?

Sarah, but they call me Sally.

Sarah. My name's Amelia, Sarah, but nobody ever called me Sally.


Father, it's, uh, Wednesday. Water skiing.


You promised Lelani could go water skiing today.

Water skiing?

May I come along?

Water skiing is a very dangerous sport, Miss Dedham.

Particularly in these waters.

Well... I don't think...

Perhaps you could teach me.

Oh, Papa Gun, please let her come along.


No! Lesson is lesson.

I'll start the lesson. One hour. OK, Miss Dedham.





Sonney les matines.

Sonney les matines.

Ding dang dong.

Ding dang dong.

Hit it!

Stop it! Stop it! You monsters!





Good morning.

I would like a, uh, bathing costume.

Very pretty.

Bikini. Number one. Bikini. Very pretty.


I think that's a little little.

Boston, Massachusetts...



Good morning, Miss, uh...


What a beautiful gown.

Are you contemplating, uh, matrimony?

What young girl of my age doesn't contemplate matrimony?

How true.

Very proper.

Very pretty.

And pants.


Look in glass?

Thank you.

Thank you, but, um, I don't think this is quite...

Baby, right up your alley.

You know, I believe you're right.

Holy Moses!

Amelia Dedham.

Ravissante, Amelia. Ravissante.

Thank you, Andre.

Well, let's go, Miss Bunker Hill.

Breed's Hill.

All right, let's go.

By the way, uh, have you dispatched that application for transfer yet?

Miami Beach. Yes, sir.

Cancel it.

Well, she made it.


Let's go!

Faster! Faster!

Faster, huh?

All right, we'll give her something to write home to Boston about.

Oh, no, Uncle Guns, oh, no!

No, Uncle Guns, no!

Gee, Miss Dedham, I'm sorry.

Oh, ho, ho. That's quite all right, Mr. Donovan.



You mad?


The Araner's shoving off tomorrow morning, so I'll have to go check her out.

So you two take the boat. I'm going to swim in.

I'll race you in.

You'll race me?


Let's go.


Let's, uh...

Let's go.

One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, four to go.


Go, Amelia, go! Go!

Go, go, go!

Go, Amelia!


Thank you.

You're out of condition, Mr. Donovan.


Oh, gee.

I'm sorry, Mr. Donovan.

That's quite all right, Miss Dedham.




Oh, that's a pretty one.

Last year, we had it bigger.

All right. Come on, let's get it tied on aft.

Here, let me help.

No. Stan the Man and I can get it.

Can't we, Stan?


Tie it off.

No more grannies now.

Mahalo nui loa.

Why, Lelani, that was lovely.

What do the words mean?

I was thanking the goddess of the canyon for our tree.


Do you believe in gods and goddesses?

Well, I believe in the one God, as we all do, but I respect the beliefs and customs of my people.

Uncle Guns.

And I tell you it is a granny.

The monument.

"" Princess Manulani, "" Commander William...

"" Dedham...

"" Michael Patrick Donovan...

Thomas Al-oy-si-us Gilhooley. ""

Thomas Aloysius Gilhooley.

Does this mean there was actual fighting on this island?

Well, those gold stars don't stand for good behavior.

Well, tell me.

There's not much to tell.

We got blown off our can... That's a destroyer...

Ended up here on the island.

There was a big Jap base down there.

So, we hid out back here in the hills, down in those caves.

Tossed a few monkey wrenches into their machinery, threw them a few spitballs.

It's hard to believe that war has ever been within a thousand miles of a place as peaceful as this.

Yeah, well, frangipani and flame-throwers don't seem to go together, but that's the way it was.


We'd better get back down the hill.

But... hey.


But who is the princess?

We'd better get under way.

It's a long drive back.

All right, kids, into the jeep.

Up you go.

How is this thing?

On here solid?

Jingle bells, jingle bells.

Jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride.

In a one-horse open sleigh...

You are late.

Nobody listens to me.

Well, Father, we had to get a tree.

What would Christmas be without a Christmas tree?

It's a long ways up that valley.

Say, I've got a wonderful idea.

How would you like to spend Christmas at my house?

You mean that'd be better than putting a Christmas tree up in a saloon.


Well, naturally, you'll want to spend Christmas with your father.

Thank you, Amelia.

I think it would be very nice to spend Christmas at your father's house.

Well, that settles that.


Not that way.

That's a saloon.

The gate.

Michael, who was Manulani?


She was the granddaughter of the last hereditary prince of these islands.

What happened to her?

She died in childbirth.

I'm goin' to California.

When I come back, we'll be married.

What do you want me to bring ya?

And this is what she said.

A hat with a crooked crown.

Silver buckles for my shoes.

A boa with feathers.

A scarlet petticoat.

And a short, tight dress.


I have the pleasure to inform Your Excellency that your worst fears have been realized.

I knew he was up to something.


In a canoe.


A canoe?

But I have a plan.


Bravo, bravo.

What's the matter with you guys?

Are you trying to crab my act?

My apologies, mademoiselle.

Sit down, please.

Oh, boy. A drink for mademoiselle.


Oh, no, no, no, no.

My voice.

A slug of gin, if you please.

Of course, you know your work permit has expired 13 months ago.

Yes, and your tourist permit...

Well, it's a shame.

But we have a plan of Mr. Donovan's house.

Here is his back room.

You're telling me.

Come on, Sally.


Oh, those children.

Yeah, those kids.

It's the same thing every night.

You know, Michael Donovan, you're quite a... a fella.

Well, you know, Amelia Dedham... you're quite a gal.


What's the matter?

I had the strangest feeling that you were going to kiss me.


Well, I have been kissed before.




I thought I'd... been kissed before.

I wonder if those kids are really asleep.


I'll sit this one out.

I'll walk you home.

No. I'll, uh...

I'll walk this off.

Good night, Michael.

Oh, the monkeys have no tails in Zamboanga.

Oh, the monkeys have no tails...

Have you a light, Michael?

It's a gag, Mike!

That chinaman... That Mr. Eu!

It's all a gag!




You idiot.

A hammock.

SOS. Go.

Let's have it.

"" Doc, Mayday.

Your Boston dotter here. ""

Dotter. D-O-T-T-E-R.

That's right. 2 Ts.

""Insert name of..."

Her name's Amelia, you dope.

How would I know?

I ain't shacking up with her.

Boston... daughter... Amelia... here.

"" Your... kids...

"" living... at... my house.

"" Supposed to be mine.

"" Mayday, Doc.

"" Watch your step.

Guns. ""

He's reading.

His kids?!

Dr. Dedham...

I presume.



Oh, Doctor-san.

Yoshi, Koshi.

Uh, bath ready, Doctor.

How did it go?


I'm no brain surgeon, but she's gonna be all right.

I'm glad.

Do you like it?

Very much.

I invited some children over for Christmas, 3 of the sweetest kids in the world.

Little half-castes.

Mr. Donovan's... You know them.

Yes, I...

I know them.


Generator's working.

Do you mind?


No, not at all.

I'll go shave and get cleaned up, huh?

I'll have tea ready.


Thank you, Yoshi.

Thank you.

No cream, thank you.

It isn't cream.



Aunt Sarah and Grand Uncle Sedley might hear.

That's right. I'd forgotten.

The Dedhams, Amelia, have never traded in rum.

We refer to it as ""West Indies goods.""

To Aunt Sarah, Grand Uncle Sedley, and West Indies goods.



Since when have you been acquiring Irish?


Guns Donovan.

How do you know it isn't Mr. Gilhooley?



I'd just like you to know that I've signed all my shares over to you.

No. I'd rather you kept them.


Perhaps admiration... for my father.


Amelia, I couldn't care less about the Dedham shipping company.

The very mention of it gives me cold chills.

I guess that's true of Boston, too.

I remember how happy I was when I heard I was the father of a fine baby girl.

That was early in the war.

The months went on, the years, the letters got fewer and fewer, then none at all.

Well, you know that mother was...

I didn't know that.

And no one bothered to write.

And then we were torpedoed.

A lot of the men were killed.

A few of us managed to get to a raft.

10 days later, we made it here.

The sensible thing would have been to give ourselves up, but the people hid us, fed us, nursed us...

Some even died for us...

We owed them something for that.

They didn't have a doctor on the island, and... God knows they certainly needed one.

I didn't know about your mother until 5 months after it happened.

When I was discharged at Pearl Harbor, I...well, I just couldn't bring myself to go back to Boston.

I wasn't needed there, but I was desperately needed here.

I know I failed in my responsibility to you, but there were children here, too.

Children that I had brought into the world who might die if I wasn't around.

I understand all that well enough, but... why couldn't I have gone back, even for a visit?

There must have been other doctors who could have taken your place.

That's very true, but you see, by that time, I...

Isn't that sweet?

They're bringing you flowers.

That's welcome.

Of course, you know that.

Why did they do that?

Why don't they come right on up?

I'll go get them.



"" Well, the time has come, the walrus said, to speak of many things. ""

Of sailing ships and sealing wax?

Cabbages and kings.

I'd been here about...

Well, horse-and-buggy time.

Good old Doc Dedham.

Excuse me, dear.

Vite, Docteur. C'est une césarienne.

Une pauvre petite chinoise de 16 ans.

Merci. Merci, ma mére.

It's an emergency.

I understood.

May I help?

All right.

Come on.

Help me scrub up.

Peace on the Earth.

Goodwill to men.

From heaven's all-gracious king.

The world in solemn stillness lay.

To hear the angels sing.

Mes chers enfants, bon et joyeux Noel.

Merry Christmas.

Mele kalikimaka.

Mele kalikimaka.

My children, once again we've come to that holy time of the year, time for giving, for loving, and for remembering.

Tonight, we have much to be grateful for, all of us, and I perhaps most of all.

Because, as you see, our chapel has, at long last, an organ.

A magnificent organ, a gift of Miss Amelia Dedham.

Mademoiselle, I...

I weep for joy.

Forgive me.

Monsieur le gouverneur, je ne peux pas continuer.

Je vous en pris.

"" A gift of $ 150

"" for the repair of the chapel roof donated by Messrs. Donovan and Gilhooley... "".

Non. Non. Uh... continuey.

Has been crossed out.

The poor are still with us.

Uh, before we proceed with the pageant that Mother Gabrielle has prepared for us, I should also like to say that the Royal Australian Navy has again sent a corvette to do honor to the hereditary princess of our island paradise.

I would like to thank our brave and noble allies in the name of the republic of France.

We thank the governor.



Mademoiselle LaFleur.


"" and thus it came to pass

"" that the child was born

"" in the city of David called Bethlehem.

And behold, a star appeared in the heavens. ""

Hi, Amelia.

Horse and buggy?

Will you see that Amelia gets home?


"" And then from the east

"" came three wise men.

"" Three kings

"" bearing gifts, "" to gaze upon the child

"" and to kneel before him in adoration.

The king of... "".


Poka ma ha'o.

Malu hia.

Ma lama lama.

""The emperor of China.""

Ka ma kua.

Hine aloha.

""The king of...""

The king of the United States of America.

Me ka.

Malua hia lani.

Silent night.

Holy night.

All is calm.

All is bright.

Round yon virgin.

Steady on, lads. Steady.

Sing out.

Mother and child.

Holy infant.

So tender and mild...

Shine amerido gozaimase.




Ohh! Oh!


Bon Noel, Mademoiselle Amelia.

Father Cluzeot.


I want the truth.

Ha ha ha ha!

The truth! Who doesn't seek the truth?

All of us. All men everywhere.


All through the ages.

You know very well what truth I mean.

I? Comment que je pourais vous mentir?

Il y a quarante ans que c'est...

The Navy Cross.

3 Purple Hearts.

No, no, no, no. No.

Not there.

Here, where it is inquired, ""situation de famille. ""

Observe what he writes.

""Celibataire. ""


A bachelor.

Donovan is an unmarried man.

Well, there is our Mike Donovan.

3 children and not one marriage.

Oh, I do not say he is the first man to put the cart before the horse, but, uh, 3 carts and no horse? Huh?


When I think how he has deceived you, preying upon your sympathies, pretending to be the finest of fathers, I... I could tear my beard out by the roots.

And it's such a beautiful beard.

Yes, isn't it?

Oh, you'd be amazed if I told you how many women...

Uh, well, that is not important.

Tell me, chere Amelie, hasn't this revelation changed your, uh... your, uh, affections towards Donovan?

Indeed it has.

And for reasons you would never suspect.

Hey, hey, hey!

The place is out of bounds.

Quiet, now.

You're all going to the garden parties.

What about the beer?

Ah, there's lots of drinks there.

There's orangeade and lemonade...

And papaya-ade.

Iced tea.

Iced tea?! Iced tea?!

All right. Now shove off like the nice little gentlemen you are. Go on.

Go on.

Hey! Hey!

Oh, no, no, no!

Hey, let's have some service here!

How about some beer, huh?

Get a move on!

Hey, hey, barman, how about a couple of bottles of beer?

That's right, come on, let's have some beer.

Waltzing Matilda.

Waltzing Matilda.

You'll come a-waltzing, Matilda, with me.

And he sang as he watched.

And he waited till his billy boiled.

You'll come a-waltzing, Matilda, with me.

Waltzing Matilda.

Waltzing Matilda.

You'll come a-waltzing, Matilda, with me...

All right, the joint's closed.

Why don't you Limeys shove off?


I distinctly heard him say that...


Limeys, he said.

I beg your pardon, sir.

Did I understand you to say ""Limeys""?

I heard him.

Me, too.

Gilhooley, where the hell is my suit?

Stay out of this, little man. You might get hurt.

You guys, uh, looking for trouble?

Tipperary born and bred Limeys.

Monk, you're not gonna let 3 guys gang up on one guy even if it is Gilhooley.

I seen it done.

3 against 2.


It's the holidays.


Have a drink.

I will, then.

On the house.

Look, we're noble allies.

Coral Seas... We were with you.

He's got a point.

Yeah. A definite point.

Ah, my apologies to you, sir, and a Merry Christmas.

Yes, and a Happy New Year to us all!


My little brother.

Festus... we're having a sporting event.

Turn your hat around.

You are now a Yank.

3 against...

Hey, Guns!

Ha ha ha ha!


Festus! Festus!

Oh, shut up.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha! There...


Festus, you're a Yank!



Ooh! Hey!

Let's have a beer.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry about your piano.

Don't worry about the piano.

It's the holidays.

What's a piano amongst friends?

Ah, that's a good one, eh?

Peace on Earth and goodwill to men.

Peace on Earth, goodwill to men.

Hey! Free beer!

Free beer!

Free beer! Free beer!

Free beer! Free beer!

I told you Limeys to get out of here.


Why ain't you at the garden party, you heathen?

Come on, break it up!

Aw, knock it off, fellas.

It's a holiday.

Peace on Earth.

That'll get you a fat lip.

Free beer!

Hey, hey, hey! Quit it!

What are you doing?

What are you...

Who started it?

I did, sir.


See you on the mat in the morning.

Aye, sir.

Mr. McCuddy.

Carry on.

Left... turn!

Quick... march!

Waltzing Matilda.

Waltzing Matilda.

You'll come a-waltzing, Matilda, with me...


Pardon me, Padre.

Is this, uh, yours?

Non, non. C'est la boite á jukes.

La jukes box.


Comme ca.

Regardez. Voila.



Ah. Charming.

Lisette, Joanne, Annelle, Kalua, Nani, Lani.

I am like a father...

I am like a father to them all.


Put your hat on, you brat!

Ah, shut up!


Has anyone ever told you you're the biggest louse in the world?


My family was always known as the biggest louses...



On the loire.




Sorry I'm late.



Dr. Dedham.

Your Highness.

Uh... and a visitor to our island paradise, uh...

Your sister Amelia.





Well, brother of mine, what are you so unhappy about?

My pants are too tight!



Thank you.

The Kennedys will be furious.

As for the Donovans...

Oh, that man!

Oh, mademoiselle, look.

A miracle.

A new roof for the chapel.

I'm very happy for you, Father.

Miss LaFleur, merry Christmas.

Oh, thanks, honey.

And I think this will amuse you, Mr. Gilhooley.

And Mr. Donovan?

He's dressing for the garden party.

Hey, what's all the rush about?

Mr. Donovan, of all the selfish, stupid, evil, poisonous people.




Yes, you.

Well, that's a fine how do you do on Christmas day.


And just how do you think those children feel, driven out of their own home as if their own father is ashamed of them?

Well, you've got this thing a little twisted, haven't you?

Oh, no, I have not.

You were the one we were worried about.

We didn't know whether some old maid had come out here...

Old maid?!

Yes! You went around with your nose turned up at everybody and everything until...

I made a human being out of you.

You made a human being out of me.

Yes, I made a human being...

May I ask how?

Let go of me!

Ohh! Oh!

That's how.

Oh, you!

Old maid!

Oh, Miss Dedham...

You're quite welcome.


Now you've got to marry me.

Sure, baby.

Sure, sure.

Toot toot! Toot toot!








Oh! Sacre nom de...

Amelia, aren't you going to say good-bye to Uncle Guns?

Mr. Donovan.

No, I am not.

No guts, huh?


Not again.


Michael Donovan, I...

Did you hurt your... self?

You know I'm leaving for home today.

So I heard.

Michael, if what you said is true, and if I marry you, I don't want our children growing up knowing that their father is a... saloonkeeper.

I gave it to him for a wedding present.



A marriage made in heaven.

Amelia, if I were to consent to marry you, if you were to consent...

And if we were to be blessed with children, and if the first should be a boy, he will be called Francis X. Donovan after my father.

He will be called Sedley Atterbury Dedham after my great uncle.

Sedley Atterbury...

That's a hell of a name for a Donovan!


We'll call him William after my father.

After the doc?

That's swell.

I'll call him Bill.



Amelia, you have a mean Irish temper, but I love it.

From now on, I wear the Pax in the family.