Dorm Daze (2003) Script

Hey, Pete! Hey, hold this.

I bought some sausage to go with crackers... for Adrienne and me because we made out last night.

Think she likes crackers?

I can't right now. I gotta go. I'm in a hurry.

I bought French sausage... because I believe Adrienne's family is of French descent.

Interesting. Look, I gotta go.

There should be plenty if you want some later.

Okay. Good luck. See you.

You all right? Go! Wish me luck!

Last final. Aced it, baby. Aced it!

Party time!

It all starts now.

Hey, I'm trying to study.

Booker, you finished your last final yesterday.

I'm getting a head start on next semester.

Wrong kind of head, little brother, because today, you become a man.

No longer--get up--will you look at yourself and see a little boy.

No longer will you cry in the shower knowing no matter how hard you scrub, you cannot rid yourself of that most heinous of afflictions.

Virginity! I don't cry in the shower.

Settle down.

This is all a very complicated process, so pay attention.

Chicks won't have sex with a guy unless the guy's bagged at least four other chicks.

Girls are shallow and want a guy with experience--like me.

How am I supposed to have sex with a girl... if girls won't have sex with a guy who hasn't had sex?

The same way all men have been doing it for thousands of years.

The on-ramp to manhood--whores. I'm not going to a hooker!

Don't you wanna be cool like me? You're not cool.

Yes, I am. I'm not going to a hooker.

Look, I figured you'd try and pussy out like this, being the pussy that you are, you pussy!

So I've already called an escort service, your whore's on the way, and I told everyone, so they're all gonna think you're a homo if you don't do her.

I'm not giving my special gift to a hooker.

I'm in love with Rachel.

You're a fag!

Forget that prude.

And that's for calling virginity your special gift.

If you must call it something, call it your horrible shame, because that's what it is, loser ass.

Did you really tell everyone you got me a hooker?

Yes.

Now, you're gonna have sex with this whore, and you're gonna like it.

Merry Christmas.

Did you hear? Styles got Booker a prostitute.

No way. Yes, way! He told me himself.

Pete, you've gotta hear this.

I gotta meet someone at the station. Friend from out of town?

We're carpooling home for break.

What's with the Christmas tree? Foosball bought it.

We're not supposed to have Christmas trees--it's a fire hazard.

But the R.A. went home, so who cares?

Whatever. See ya.

No, I can't come down. I'm waiting for someone here!

No, I can't!

Adrienne, did you hear about the prostitute?

Yeah, Styles told me.

It's disgusting. I don't even think we should let her in the house.

I agree. Tony, did you hear?

Yes, I heard about the prostitute, and, no, I don't care.

But prostitution... You know what?

You two need to stay out of other people's shit.

You need to get a life.

He's such an asshole. I don't know why Claire's with him.

Yeah, what an asshole.

Don't you think Tony's an asshole? Yeah.

What's your problem? I kinda made out with Newmar last night.

I'm trying to avoid him.

I don't even need to tell you how pathetic that is.

Maybe he'll forget about it over Christmas.

I doubt it. He's Jewish. How long are you here?

My last final's on Saturday. I can't leave until then.

Come on, Lynne. Let's go yell at Styles.

No prostitute is coming into this dorm if I have anything to say about it.

Hey, Adrienne. Gerri, how was the spelunking trip?

It was tough but sort of interesting.

What's this? From the university.

Maybe your appeal went through.

I wish. There's no way I'm getting my scholarship back for next semester.

My grades were true shit.

Who's the package from? I don't know.

I knew it. They rejected the appeal. Oh, well. So much for college.

What are you gonna do? I don't see that there's...

Have a great holiday, too.

Hey, guys. What's up? Hi, Claire.

Gerri, I'm going to the gym. It's cardio-abs day. Wanna come?

That was close. Explanation?

I kinda borrowed Claire's favorite handbag without asking, and I have no idea where I left it.

I'm trying to avoid her until I can find it.

Or maybe she'll forget about it over Christmas.

Yeah, you're screwed.

Do me a favor? A foreign exchange student's meeting me here soon, but I have to run down to work.

Could you meet her for me? I'd like to, but I got a lot of...

Hey, Wang. Hey, have you seen Adrienne?

No. Could you do me a favor?

Yeah. Maybe later, buddy.

But... but...

You lose his bag, too? We kinda hooked up last night.

Shut up! I was depressed.

I was hitting on Foosball all night and he was totally ignoring me.

Isn't Foosball gay? No!

Sure. I'm here for you. Thanks, Foos.

Her name's Dominique, she's French, and she's gonna call my phone, so hang on to it.

Do you still have my copy of Steel Magnolias?

Booker's got it, I think. He and Rachel were watching it.

By the way, you're gay, right? Yeah.

Suck one! It's a free country and I can get a whore if I want to!

No, you can't. It's against the law.

Yeah, you're going to jail, mister.

Suck one!

Oh, my God!

Did I just hit you? I am so sorry!

It's okay.

I was just looking for my handbag.

Okay. Well, did I leave my books in here?

I don't know. I didn't see them. But you can look if you want.

I'm on the way to the gym, okay? Bye, baby.

"Britney, hope this takes care of things.

"Call me if you need anything else. Lorenzo."

Yeah? Lorenzo?

Hey. no names. So. you got the package?

Yeah, it's just... Cool.

We're square. right? We're good?

I think there's been some kind of mix-up.

What are you saying? Is there a problem?

Well, yeah. The bag isn't...

You know what? We shouldn't talk over the phone.

Meet me at the university arboretum in 15 minutes.

Yeah, but... Center bench.

So, you lost all your money in Vegas?

I had a system, you know?

But it didn't work. Right.

Then Beth broke up with me. 'Cause you lost all your money?

I lost all her money, too.

Whatever. Then there's the thing with the cat.

I don't even wanna hear about the cat.

It was an accident. I'm sure it was.

That's in the past, man. What time are you gonna be done with work?

I'm done at 6:00. Just hang out at my dorm.

It's co-ed. You'll like it.

No one's gonna bother me, right?

I'm really not in the mood for conversation. Just wanna chill out.

Pete, can you do me a big favor?

Tell Foosball my foreign exchange student doesn't speak English well.

Foosball, no English. Cool.

I gotta get to work. Come on, let's go.


Britney.

Lorenzo?

What's the problem? You're expecting more?

Well, it's just that I...

What? Don't wanna talk in public? I understand.

Got someplace private we can go?

Yeah, like a restaurant? No, like private.

Listen, there's something I have to tell you...

I think that guy right there's watching us.

Let's go.

This is your target.

You seem a little nervous.

I understand. You're worried about your performance.

But you know what? I have a fail-safe cure for that.

I wasn't gonna share this with you, but what's an older brother for, right?

This is my beat-off rag.

I've been beating off with this since I was in sixth grade.

I've never washed it, either. It brings me luck.

Oh, God, no! Oh, Booker, yes.

Before Dominique gets here... Who's Dominique?

Your whore, you idiot.

Did you lose your virginity to a hooker?

Hell, no. I don't have to pay for it.

But Dominique comes highly recommended, so I'll probably do her once you're done.

I want you to jerk off with this before she gets here, okay?

I call it Susie. Trust me, you are gonna be a stallion. Take it.

No!

Don't be such a girl. It's just semen! Take it!

What the hell was that?

Nothing.

What's up? I think that rag cut me.

Can I get my copy of Steel Magnolias back?

Hey, guys. This is my friend Cliff.

He's from France, he doesn't speak any English, so don't bother talking to him.

Look. Cola.

Yeah, let's go.

You know, I just realized the amount you sent is what I agreed to.

I think I was just thinking of another job.

So, you're saying we're cool?

Yeah, we're cool. I'll keep in touch.

Wait. What do you say we hang and talk for a bit?

I've wanted to meet you in person for a long time, Miss Master of Disguise.

I gotta a couple choice jobs I want to run by you that I think we could pull together.

I got a shitload of stuff I gotta take care of.

Fifteen minutes.

Come on. It'll be worth your while.

All right. Fine. Fifteen minutes.

But...here's the deal.

I've set myself up in a dorm. My name is Gerri Farber.

Don't do anything to blow my cover.

Claire, we have got to stop that prostitute from coming in this house.

Sure. Whatever.

I'm not gonna stand by and watch the moral decay of this dormitory.

What happened to your face?

Tony hit me.

With the door. He hit me with the door.

I'll see you guys later.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Tony's beating Claire.

He hit her with the door? That was a pretty lame cover.

Didn't I tell you there was something up with him?

You did!

French?

You didn't want to talk to anybody, now they won't bother.

I don't speak French, man.

Neither does anyone else in this dorm, so who cares?

We leave tomorrow, anyways. I'm late for work.

I should've been there like five minutes ago.

Oh, crap. Foosball.

Have you seen Foosball? He's in McFee's room.

Can you tell him something for me? I'm thirsty.

Newmar! I need you to go to McFee's room and tell... and tell Foosball the girl he's waiting for doesn't speak English.

Yeah, but after I...

Okay, fine. Thanks.

What the hell is wrong with you two?

We're on to you, wife beater.

What? We're on to you.

You know, sometimes I hate this place. I really hate this place.

So, how long did it take you to set all this up?

Over a year.

How do you feel about armored cars?

Take Suzie and go use her in the bathroom.

No. Take it, Booker.

Leave me alone! Take Suzie--now!

Shut up! I'm calling Rachel.

Rachel lives down the hall, tard. Tard!

Will you go easy on him? He's nervous.

You know this is a no-smoking dorm, don't you?

Good thing Brady went out of town.

Hey, when the cat's away, it's time to play.

Give this back to me.

I have to go use the can.

Okay, when he comes out, I'll just tell him that I love him.

Not tell him that I love him. Tell him that I want him.

That is much sexier.

Adrienne!

Where's Foosball? In the can.

Are you guys waiting for a girl? Yeah.

Okay, I'm supposed to tell you that she doesn't speak any English.

Awesome! Okay.

Wait! Does that mean she's here already?

I don't know.

She's here!

She doesn't speak any English, either!

Be a man! Rachel. it's me.

God!

He's here.

Get off the damn phone, Booker. Your whore is here.

Can I help you? Who are you looking for?

I am Iooking for... Beat it, Marla.

Hi. You Dominique?

Great. Follow me.

That's the prostitute? Yes, now get lost.

I am Dominique. I am student from France...

Get out, tramp! What? I am from France.

Come on, Dominique. Ignore her. She's a bitch.

Come on. Bitch.

Lynne!

Come on.

Loser!

Go freshen up, okay? I have to prep him.

Come on!

Have you guys seen Adrienne? Screw off, Newmar.

We could tell Foosball about the prostitute.

He'll be on our side. Gay guys are really sensitive.

Have you seen the prostitute?

She looked like such a skank.

Exactly what I pictured a call girl looking like.

A prostitute? I am from France.


Two hours max. Next job's across town.

I'll be out in a flash.

I miss you.

Yeah. me. too.

Hey, how's it going? Not too bad.

Listen, has anyone ever said anything to you about thinking I'm a wife beater?

What?

Never mind, man. You doing anything?

Just waiting for Wang's foreign exchange student to show up. Why?

Well, Adrienne and I have this acting final on Saturday, and I can't find her anywhere. You wanna help me?

What's it about? Just some melodramatic crap.

My character knocks up Adrienne's character.

In this scene, it's us fighting.

I don't know what to do with a baby.

It's driving me nuts!

Of course I want her to have the abortion, but she won't listen to me.

So, I've made it up in my mind to dump her.

Oh, God! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Tony got clair pregnant and wants her to get an abortion or he's gonna dump her!

Oh, my God!

Hello? Dominique.

All right, I'll be right down.

I'll catch you later. If you see Adrienne, tell her I'm looking for her.

What's wrong with you? Stop being such a lame-ass.

Leave me alone! I love Rachel!

Hello? Who is this?

Who's this? This is Wang.

I'm gonna give you to the count of three to get out of there.

Booker. why are you answering my phone?

You're not mom! One...

I'm busy. What do you want? Two...

I was trying to reach Foosball to see how things went with Dominique.

Three. Everything go okay?

Stop pressuring me!

My arm is broken, Booker!

Booker! Oh. my God.

The bone is popping out!

I'm gonna faint.

Mom's gonna kill me. and it's your fault!

Booker. it's broken!

Sucker!

Dominique, I presume?

That's me. Come in.

So, you're French? Should I be?

Yeah, that's what I was told. Then I'm French.

Your English is wonderful. So is yours.

So, you just wanna wait for Wang?

Why wait?

I guess you could just come in with me, or you could stay in his room.

Who has my money?

Money? I don't know anything about any money.

Well, who's my guy? Where is he?

I'm sorry. I thought you knew. He had to step out for a second.

God. This is great.

Why don't you wait in his room? He'll be back any minute.

Okay, yeah. Whatever.

I'm just saving you from yourself.

I'm gonna go get your whore. Okay?

Don't even think about trying to make a run for it.

But how do you know he's your soul mate?

I just know. Kind of like you and Newmar.

What?! No, no. Last night was an accident. That was...

Who is it?

It's Tony. Is Adrienne in there?

Yeah. Hang on a sec.

I thought you might be Newmar.

I've been looking everywhere for you.

We really need to work on this scene.

All right, let's get down to business!

Where is Wang?

Wow. Your accent is awesome! His wang is right in here.

There he is.

Be gentle, okay? He's nervous.

Can you understand what I say?

Where is Wang? I want Wang.

Wow, you're an eager one.

See, Booker. Your brother knows how to pick 'em.

All right, he is the one. Him right there. Hello? Hi.

I'm gonna leave you two alone, okay? Bye.

Okay, is there a problem here?

That's right, money is always up front. How stupid.

Twenty, forty, sixty, eighty, one hundred. There you go.

All right? Knock 'em dead.

Okay, come on.

Knock it off, Styles. Clearly she doesn't want to do this.

Listen, she's a whore. They have no discretion.

This must be part of some little act.

Start grabbing her ass.

All right, something is obviously wrong. Booker, go wait in the hall.

She must want to haggle. I'll fix this.

Rachel, it's me.

So, maybe if you're naked when he comes back in, that'll help.

Go for it.

That's right, you don't speak any English. Okay, look.

Get it? Hello?

No? Okay.

All right.

Hi. Look at the birdie.

See, you just need to go...

I think I really got a hold of my character.

Don't tell her you saw me! What?

How are you? Good.

Check out my abs! Nice.

Punch me in the gut. Give me a break.

Seriously, I'm feeling ripped right now.

No, we got people in the hall.

Come on, don't be a weiner. Just do it.

Fine, but you asked me to do it--remember that.

Bring it.

Oh, my gosh!

I can explain. She asked for it.

I'm sure they all ask for it, Tony.

I don't mean she asked like...

Honey, tell them that you asked me to do it.

It's not what it looks like.

He's trying to give her a miscarriage. We've got to get her out of here.

Okay, sure. We believe you, Tony.

Can we have a word with you alone, Claire?

Wait, explain to these nags that I'm not beating you.

Goddamnit, tell them!

Quit trying to scare her into lying.

What was that all about?

Don't ask. They're frickin' insane.

Why are you hiding?

Well, I accidentally stole Claire's favorite handbag, and then I kind of lost it.

The one her grandmother gave her?

She'll kill me if she finds out. Don't tell her you saw me!

I'm still looking for it.

I won't say anything, but I would find it if I were you.

Look, we gotta work on this scene. I don't wanna look like an idiot.

Well, let me hold the script, 'cause I'm still a bit rusty on my lines.

Are you ready? Okay.

You're not having that baby! Yes, I am!

Hey, sexy.

I want you. I bet you do.

You know you're the only one who's ever pleased me.

That's funny. I've heard that before.

I need you to do it to me so hard.

Oh, I will.

I'm gonna give it to you so good.

Yes, you are!

I'm gonna lick every inch of your gorgeous body.

I can't wait to get my hands on those tits.

What?

Oh, no!

Okay, that's good. That's good.

Wait. Stop. What about me? What about me? Come on!

You don't need us.

You've got Suzie.

I don't want Suzie.

Girls!

What the...? How'd I get in the closet?

Crazy French whore!

Booker! Booker, get me out of here!

What's all this about?

This way.

Who's this?

Some goon Pete is friends with. Don't worry, he doesn't speak English.

Are you kidding? No, I'm pretty sure. Jackass?

Do you understand a word I'm saying to you, or is your brain pierced, too?

Perfect. Okay, about Tony, we know what's been going on.

You guys think Tony's beating me, right? That's what this is about?

Don't try to lie about it. Or the baby.

We overheard him talking to Foosball.

We know he's beating you because he doesn't want you to have the baby.

Well, honey, we're here for you.

What baby?

Claire...the one in your womb.

Seriously, Marla, I'm not pregnant.

Are you sure? Yes!

Tony must've been talking about a different girl!

He's beating Claire over the frustration over his mistress!

He's not beating me, and no one is pregnant.

I'm gonna settle this, okay?

You guys just wait here, and I'm gonna go talk to Tony.

So, I let Nick Stuckis feel me up last Tuesday.

Over or under the shirt? Under. What am I, 12?

You're not having that baby! Yes, I am!

Listen, bitch, you're gonna have that abortion either way!

If you won't go to the clinic, I'm gonna knock you down them stairs!

I can't believe you.

You think you could just have sex with me wheneveryou want and not pay the price?

You are a loser!

And don't think I won't tell your skanky-ass girlfriend!

Look, bitch, you won't tell her a goddamn thing!

What's going on in there?

Nothing! I'm changing!

Don't open the door yet. Hold on.

Tony, who's in there with you?

No one!

Can you come back later? I'm looking for something.

Yeah, fine. I'll come back later. Asshole.

Oh, shit. She's pissed.

I gotta go after her. You can split, if you want.

I don't think that makes you a slut.

Sometimes a bathroom stall is all you can find.

It's Adrienne.

Tony's been messing around with her behind my back, and she is most certainly pregnant.

Wow. And she screwed around with Newmar, too.

What a slut!

She wants to tell me, but he threatened her if she did!

You need to confront her.

Let's go.

See, it's like clockwork.

Every Tuesday and Thursday, this truck picks up between one and two mill...

Put it on pause for a second there, chief.

I have to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

Where is she?

Who? Come on. Claire.

She went outside.

Marla, you moron. Like I don't have my keys.

Shit, I don't have my keys.

Marla, open the door!

Hi! Did you find her?

No. Are you sure she went downstairs?

Yeah.

Is someone out there?

What? No. Why?

Can you excuse me for one minute?

Newmar, have you seen Adrienne?

Never mind.

What the hell?

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one you're hiding from.

I'm not hiding from you.


Somebody open the door!

Well, if you're not hiding from me, then... that's great, because...

'cause I bought us a big sausage, and...it's French.

You are of French descent, right?

Look, Newmar, about last night...

I was kind of drunk.

Yeah!

I was really drunk.

Yeah.

I like somebody else.

Is it me?

No, of course it isn't you. It's somebody else.

Somebody who's not in this room and is not you.

I see.

You don't like me.

'Cause I'm weird and I'm boring... and I'm unattractive and I have really bad hair.

No, no. It's 'cause of something else.

So, you mean there's more?

Newmar, someday you're gonna find a girl that really likes you.

It just won't be me.

I'm sorry. I'm just glad we could finally get this out in the open.

Okay, let me just show you the sausage, 'cause it's really nice...

Newmar! I don't wanna share anything with you, okay?

Just leave me alone.

Please.

My shirt.

Wait, wait, wait.


Dude, what's wrong?

I'm just kind of bummed out, that's all.

You wanna eat my sausage?

Excuse me?

I bought some really expensive French sausage for Adrienne and I, but I don't think she wants any.

She doesn't like me.

It's French sausage?

Wang's foreign exchange student Dominique -- she's from France.

She has nothing to do until Wang gets back from work.

Why don't you see if she wants to eat with it you? She's so hot.

Hi. Are you Dominique?

It's about time. What's been keeping you?

I don't know.

I didn't think it took me that long to walk down here, but...

Did Foosball call you?

Foosball? I don't know.

Look, I gotta go soon, so can we get this going?

Yeah, sure. Where do you wanna do it?

Well, I was thinking the kitchen, but here's fine with me.

Why don't you sit here?

So, did Foosball tell you about my sausage?

Why don't you tell me about your sausage?

Well, it looks really tasty. I'm sure it is.

That's really nice.

Yeah? Well, I want you to feel good, baby, so tell me what you want. What do you want me to do?

Well, I want--

Foosball said you might like some of my sausage.

I'm sure I'm gonna love your sausage, but what do you want me to do with it?

Eat it. What else is there to do with it?

Anything you can think of.

But if all you want is oral, that's fine.

You don't have a knife, do you? I've got handcuffs.

I don't think those will cut anything.

I'm sorry. That's one thing I don't do.

No cutting, and no hitting, either.

No cutting?

Well, this sausage is pretty damn big.

I doubt you'd want the whole thing.

I can take it all, baby.

That would be pretty impressive to see, but just in case you're wrong, I thought you could keep the rest.

I'm not sure I know what you mean. As a present.

You don't have anywhere you could put it, do you?

You can put it anywhere you want.

Even in my ass.

Why would I wanna put my sausage in your ass?

Some guys like that.

The French.

I think we should stick to the mouth as the only point of entry, if you get me.

Whatever floats your boat.

Except for you have to pay up front -- in case your friend didn't tell you.

Pay? Money?

Why would I pay you to eat my sausage?

If you want me, you have to pay.

Well, I'd prefer to just eat it myself if that's your attitude.

Look, I...

Look, I'm sorry, Dominique, but... while it's obvious that you have feelings for me, my heart belongs to another.

I don't know what is customary in France, but here in America, when someone offers to share their food with you, you don't demand money.

Food?

You gotta help me find her. Something's gone wrong.

Find heryourself. She's your hooker.

I never wanted her. Fine, you ungrateful bastard.

I will find her, but this time around, you don't get to have sex with her because she's mine now!

Fuck!

Booker, I'm so happy you didn't make love to that call girl.

I'm saving my special gift for you, Rachel. You know that.

Oh, Booker.


No, no, no.

There you are. Come here. I gotta talk to you.

What is it? Remember the package I got?

Don't worry about him. I think that's Wang's foreign exchange student.

He doesn't speak a word of English.

The package wasn't for me. It was for some girl named Britney.

Britney? Britney Spears?

No. They must've put the package in the wrong mailbox or something.

There was a purse in it with a phone number.

I tried to return the purse to some guy Lorenzo... who's a drug dealer or a con artist, and he's upstairs in my room right now.

What? And there's a bunch of money hidden in the bag.

How much money are we talkin' about? There must be like $30,000.

Bad.

Bad, you know? Is sour.

Did Newmar find you okay?

I really need to talk to you. I think there's been some mistake.

What do you mean? Have you seen Adrienne?

No. You! That's the prostitute Styles got!

Styles McFee -- that was his name. Who is this?

Wang's foreign exchange student. She's from France.

You know what we should do? Call the police.

Prostitution is very illegal. They would arrest her and Styles.

So, you're from France?

There's this guy here -- Cliff, I think, is his name.

He's French and doesn't speak a word of English.

We should introduce you.

We need to do something about that whore.

If you don't see me in ten minutes, call my room.

If I say, "No, I can't make it to the party," then I need you to help me get rid of him.

Okay. Okay.

Help! Need Wang.

What the fuck! I don't speak no English! French!

So long! Good bye.

Hi, Claire.

Remember -- "No, I can't make it to the party."

You and I need to talk. I know.

We'll leave you two alone.

Let's talk in here. Okay.

I'm not sure where he is.

There he is! Cliff!

I found you a friend!

Have anything you'd like to confess?

You found out what I did?

This is gonna be good.

I want you to know I am really sorry.

You're sorry? I hope you know this is not something you can just apologize for.

You can't take this back.

Are you really this mad? Shouldn't I be?

I realize it was kind of uncool of me, but it's not that big a deal.

Are you kidding?

I shouldn't borrow things without asking, but I really needed it, and I thought you'd say no.

I only wanted it for one night. You call that borrowing?!

And of course I'd say no!

I don't care how bad you needed it, you slut!

Excuse me?! Who are you calling a slut?

Oh...you, slut!

Look at you. You want everybody to know about it.

With Tony's shirt on.

Okay, I didn't ask to borrow this, either, but...

Newmar spilled something on my shirt, this guy was staring at my boobs...

How many guys do you have on the side, tramp?

Okay, I don't care what the hell I did, if you call me a slut or a tramp one more time, I'm gonna slap you upside the head, bitch.

You guys!

Come on, you two. Don't be shy.

Menage a tois ever?

I'll leave you two alone.

Where the hell is everyone?!

So you don't speak any English, do you?

Hello? Hello.

Yeah? Mona, it's me -- Dominique.

What's up? God, I'm in a fix.

I've been confused with a foreign exchange student. They think I'm French.

They've got me in this room with this weird French prick.

How did that happen?

They think the real foreign exchange student is the working girl instead of me.

Did your guy pay you? No, I never got the money.

I never found the guy who ordered me.

Where's Ted? What the...

Excuse me?

Let's get everything out in the open.

You're not French, and I speak American just fine, right?

This is so perfect. You're like a pro, right?

Like, a hooker?

Just let me leave. I don't know what you're after, but I don't do freebies.

What if I had a proposition to make?

How much you got? No. A different kind of proposition.

Like a partnership.

What if I said I knew where we could get $30,000?

Okay.

Thanks.

So, I guess I'm gonna go back to my room and finish getting ready.

Wait, Foosball. Yeah?

Nothing.

Never mind.

I suck!

If there's a stack of money in this house, and you know who has it, why do you need a partner?

Why not keep it for yourself?

You're right. I don't need a partner. What the hell was I thinking?

Psych!

No, no. Seriously.

The plan I have needs two people.

One of them should be a pretty girl.

Two--my friend lives here. It puts me in a weird place.

But you -- nobody knows who you are.

So, what's the plan?

First we gotta write a note to this girl Gerri.

That's it!

I'm too chicken to tell Foosball that I like him to his face...

I'll just write him a love letter.

Why didn't I think of it before?

I'll write Adrienne a romantic poem!

"I will not be happy until we can be together. Yours truly, Adrienne."

What do you guys think? It's missing something, right?

Perfume! Good idea, Oliver. Where's that sample?

Claire's bag! This'll get her off my back.

"...and like a rose in the sun, so are you."

That's good stuff.

What you got behind your back? My back?

Nothing.

Okay...what are you doing?

Going to the bathroom.

All right.

"Love...Newmar."

Thank God!

I'll go downstairs and call her from that phone.

You go upstairs and get that goon out of the room.

Also, remember to leave the note so she can see it.

Here's what the note says...

"I know everything. Decided to leave.

"Just give the bag to my associate...

"who's waiting at the front of your building."

Wait, are you sure your pimp's not gonna look in the bag?

He's not my pimp, smart ass.

Sorry!

Are you okay?

Okay.

Shoot! Where did it go?

Listen, some girl's gonna come out here and give you a bag.

Hold on to it for me.

And don't look inside!

And, who knows, if we do this job together, maybe you and I can...

No attachments. I don't get involved with people I work with.

And you never make an exception?

Hello? Hello. Gerri Farber?

Yes? I have a package downstairs.

Could you please come down here and get it?

Okay. See you in a jiffy.

I'll be right back. There's a delivery for Gerri Farber at the front door.

"Dearest, here is a poem I've written for you.

"Your beauty fills...

"Love, Newmar"?

Excuse me, I foreign exchange student.

Could you help me with something?

It only take a second, okay? Yeah?

You should find somebody else.

But I need someone strong to help carry something for me.

My back hurts when I bend down to pick up things. See?

Yeah, I see. Yeah.

All right. Let's go. This way? This way. Okay.

For me?

"I know everything. Decided to leave.

"Just give the bag to my associate who's waiting at the front of your building."

Claire is insane about this bag.

Hello? It's me. man. What's up. Pete?

Pete's not here, man.

Am I supposed to give you the bag?

I'm the guy. Well, here you go.

And I don't know who you are, but you better tell that stupid bitch to stay out of my way!

...the girls in your dorm -- maybe they'd be up for it.

What are you talking about?!

I can look in the bag if I want to.

I'm loving this color.

Super for you, dude, but I'm not Pete, and I'm going. Bye.

Yeah!

Einstein, our plan worked, man!

I'm just good for genius. Genius!

Here.

Look at time!

I have to go, okay?

But... but...

What the...

Well? We did it! Oh, baby!

Don't spoil things. Let's just get the bag.

Maybe you got it wrong, Einstein.

It's bullshit, man! There was supposed to be money in that bag.

Ted, did you take anything out of this bag?

No. I didn't even look inside.

And a girl gave it to you? Yeah.

And she said to tell that stupid bitch to stay out of her way.

Stupid bitch?

Maybe she's on to us and that's a dummy bag, you know?

Is there a problem? Shut up, Ted.

Look, we gotta go soon. We got other appointments.

Didn't you hear me tell you to shut up the first time?

Now get rid of this!

Nobody calls me a stupid bitch. We're getting that bag.

Just let it out! Go for the eyes!

Focus!

I don't think she wants to see you. Shut up!

Claire, what the hell is going on?

How could you cheat on me?!

Why do you listen to these two ho-bags? I've never cheated on you!

I overheard you and Adrienne, and then she admitted it to me!

You got her pregnant! What?!

Oh! No! Look, that's a scene for our acting class.

In the scene, I get her pregnant.

You expect her to believe that? Suck my balls!

Get a clue, loser! Wait.

Why would Adrienne admit it to me if it was just a scene?

You must've confused her.

She's been hiding from you because she lost your favorite purse.

What?! She stole grandma's handbag?

Claire, I can prove to you that we were just doing a scene.

Meet me in my room in five minutes.

I'll find Adrienne and I'll grab the script, and this could all be explained, all right?

Meet me in my room. Five minutes.

You're not gonna go, are you?

Maybe I should hear what he has to say.

I can't believe Adrienne had sex with your boyfriend and stole your favorite handbag.

What a klepto-slut!

You look cute when you're mad!

I've got a plan to get rid of this guy. but I need you to keep this bag for me until he's gone.

You're keeping the money?

Doesn't it seem a little dangerous? I'm leaving tomorrow. anyway.

There's no way he can track me all the way to San Francisco.

And he thinks the money is mine. anyway.

Just hold on to this for dear life, and I'll give you some for helping me.

Shit, okay. Okay. Thanks.

This kind of looks like Claire's bag.

Where's the bag?

The bag? Isn't it here?

Who was at the door? No one.

No one? Well, that's interesting.

Because here's the thing... while I was waiting for you to return, I noticed that bag was missing, and I got to thinking... what if you really are Gerri Farber and not Britney, and now you're scamming me?

What are you talking about? I am Britney.

And, you know, the bag was here when I left.

You sent the package, remember?

It's my money, so maybe I should be asking you where the money is.

I really don't care what you think right now, because I know I didn't take it!

And I know I sent it!

But what I don't know is if you're who I sent it to.

Hey, it's me.

You've seen Britney before, right? What does she look like?

When she's not in disguise, idiot!

I guess you check out.

Sorry I doubted you.

It's fine. I can find the bag myself, so why don't you just leave?

No.

You left the bag with me, and, clearly, somebody called you out as a distraction.

I shouldn't have left the bag alone, so this is my fault and I'm gonna fix it.

I think I know who took it.

I'll be right back.

Adrienne, open up!

Come on!

Shit!

Where the hell is my script?!

Shit!

Gerri, sorry to bug you, but you were Garber's T.A. Iast semester, right?

Can I have her home number? I need to call her.

Sure.

Don't tell her where you got it from. Thanks.

You have no idea how much of a huge jam this will get me out of.

Help! What?

I'm from France. Help!

Man! There sure are a lot of girls from France around here.

Hey, maybe you'd like my sausage.

Look, here you go. You can keep it. I don't even want it anymore.

But I'm gonna tell you this-- I am not gonna pay you to eat it.

I don't care what they do in France.

Need help! Help with what? Opening it?

There you are! Come here!

She was just about to eat my sausage!

Too bad! I'm the one who paid for her! Come here!

Where you going?

Man! What's the deal with everyone paying the French to eat their food?

There you are. Hey, Foosball.

Why didn't you tell me sooner that you were gay?

Well, I had to--what?!

I'm really flattered that you'd come out for me, but... you're just not my type.

I'm not gay!

No, don't go back in just because I'm rejecting you.

Someday, you're gonna find a guy who really likes you.

It just... it's not gonna be me.

I'm sorry. I'm glad we got this out in the open.

Well, what the hell.

What don't you like about me?

Newmar, listen. You're a great guy, okay?

I just...I don't like you like that.

But I think I may know someone for you.

Yeah.

I don't see Adrienne.

I couldn't find her. I'm actually calling my professor right now.

She'll explain what the scene is about.

You've reached Proffessor Garber... Damn. It's her voicemail.

I smell perfume.

"My love...

"You have no idea how much I desire to be with you.

"I think about you day and night and dream of you.

"I need to share my life, love, and soul with you.

"I will not be happy until we can be together.

"With love, Adrienne."

What?!

No! I--wow. I've never seen this before.

Look, Gerri wrote my acting teacher's number on the back.

See? Here's the number. This is Gerri's letter.

Why would Adrienne write Gerri a love letter?

Maybe they're lesbians.

Pretty lame. Fuck off, Tony!

Come on. I can explain, baby!

I know you're around here somewhere!

Damn!

Buddy, seen a pretty girl around here with a funny accent?

Yeah. I've been looking for her 'cause she has my money.

Your money? That ain't your money.

Fuck off. Who the hell are you?

Well?

Well, what?

What'd you think of the letter?

How'd you know about Newmar's letter? Newmar wrote me a love letter. Newmar?

He's come out of the closet. Newmar's gay?

It's so cute. I had to turn him down, though. Obviously.

Yeah. Obviously.

I'm so happy to finally have someone to go clubbing with in this dorm.

Being surrounded by all you breeders was really getting me down--no offense.

You're gay?

Are you sure?

You didn't know I was gay? Yeah, of course I did. It's just...

Newmar's gay?

I almost wish I were attracted to him.

He wrote the sweetest poem. Here. Check it out.

What did you do?!

I'm not sure how this guy's connected, but he knows about the money.

I know this guy. I don't... Trust me. He knows something.

"Our love could be a delightful bloom.

"From the beginning, I already knew.

"Like a rose in the sun, so are you."

I wish somebody would write a poem like that for me.

I read your poem. You did?

But I thought I gave it to Foosball. He let me read it.

I loved it.

Really?

It all makes sense now.

You only made out with me 'cause you were confused...

'cause you're gay.

No, it's okay. We can hang out now. We can shop!

We can hang out 'cause... I'm gay.

I've always wanted a gay friend.

Now that I know that you're gay... you suddenly seem more attractive.

Great.

Your whole personality makes sense now.

Apparently, I'm still ugly, though.

I'm sorry Foosball turned you down.

Maybe if you took off these thick glasses.

You have really nice eyes, Newmar.

Thanks.

I just wish they worked better.

I really loved your poem.

So, you do have my bag?

This is not your bag! I gave your bag back!

You lying slut! You never gave it back!

Give it back, you psycho! What?!

My glasses!

Hello?

This fuckin'...

Claire. This is perfect. I just got ahold of my professor...

Tell Adrienne you haven't seen me.

She went that way.

Is she gone?

Come on, let's call the professor... I don't have time now.

Adrienne's gone insane. She's trying to attack me!

I have proof at my fingertips that I'm not lying.

She's coming! Hold on to my bag until I get back, then I'll listen to you.

I see you!

She went that way. I know!


Are you okay? Can you hear me?

You know what? Let me get you some help.

No, I just need to lay down. Take me into the room.

Yeah, okay.

You're heavy.

Hello?!

What happened to you? Why are you wet?

I don't know, but...

Maybe I should get out of these wet clothes.

Wait. No, no, no... That would end up bad for me.

I'll go get you a towel.

What are you doing?

I was just admiring your bag.

I think I should hold on to this.

What are you doing? I'm just admiring the bag!

What the hell?!

Give me the bag!

Crazy mother...

Enough already, all right?

Who the hell are you, and what the hell's going on?

We're wasting time! Somebody will find it!

That's my girlfriend's bag. Her grandmother gave it to her.

It's not. Why would your girlfriend have a stack of cash?

Whose is it? It's mine.

And I'll give you half if you help me get out of this dorm!

Right.

How much is half? $500.

Let's go.

I don't know anything about a bag. I don't know what you're talking about.

I assume you're Dominique's pimp or whatever, and I don't know what she told you, but we didn't even have sex with her, so we shouldn't have to pay.

You wanna work him over?

He doesn't know anything. Just put him back downstairs.

Is that you?

Whatever you say.

I'm still chucking him outside just to be safe.

I really don't think the bag would've fallen all the way down here.

Well, just look for it!

You idiot! Now we'll never know where it is!

Why are you yelling at me?

You're the one who came to me with the money and...

Well, I never!

Who the hell was that? Some meatball who got fresh.

So what took you so long?

Look, I almost got the bag, okay? I'll be back in a second!

Maybe I should go with you. No. No, I should go alone.

Why's that?

Cliffy...

No, don't take that tone with me.

You'll make me think you don't trust me.

You don't think I'd double-cross you, do you?

I was sorta thinking that.

No, I would never do that to you.

But now that we're in the clear, 'cause I'm--I mean we're... that close to the bag, I don't know...I was kind of thinking that after we got away, maybe we could...

I thought maybe we could see each other again.

I was sort of... sort of thinking the same thing.

You were? Good.

You stay here.

Don't worry.

Come on. We don't have much time.

Why the hell did you hit me? And who's that guy?

No one. He thinks he's getting half the money, but it's yours now.

I had to do that to get rid of him. So, if you want it, get me that bag!

You're right. This does look like Claire's purse.

Where is she? I hope Tony didn't do anything to her.

Bitch!

Newmar, I need your help!

Yes, it's me. I need you to hold on to this bag.

Don't let anyone take it, no matter what they say.

Do you have my glasses? Yeah.

Do you?

What? Where are we going?!

I can't see! I'll come back!

Hurry!

Wow, that was fast.

This is so stupid.

I'm not gay! I wrote that poem for you!

I love you!

Where did she go?

Pardon me, ladies, have you seen...

Have you seen a girl with a bag? Who the hell are you?

Maybe she went back upstairs. All righty!

Something funny's going on here.


How did I get outside?

Finally got you horizontal, you crazy bitch!

I think I'll just be taking my money back.

Holy balls!

Thank you.

Thanks again.

What are you doing? Where's the bag?

What do you mean?

You came and grabbed it and bashed me over the head with it!

I didn't! That wasn't me!

Well, clearly, this is a good reason to give me my glasses!

What happened to you?

Help. I'm from France. I'm an exchange student.

You don't say!

What'd you do that for?!

I can't have her saying that. She'll blow my cover!

I thought you were the foreign exchange student.

I'm the hooker. So, you're the hooker!

Come on, we gotta hide her.

Hello!

Can you help me? I doubt it.

No, wait! I...

I'm looking for a girl, and she has a handbag, and I need to...

How many people know about the frickin' bag?!

I don't know!

I gotta get the hell out of here.

Do you have any rope? Why would I have rope?

I've got some bondage stuff in my bag downstairs!

Use your belt for now. I need my belt. These pants are huge.

Deal with it! I'll only be gone for a second.

No.

Goddamnit.

Got it? Yeah.

That was fast. Come on in.

The prostitute?!

I can explain!

Just when I was starting to believe you!

Wait! No, no, no! You're staying here!

I forgot my bag.

Oh, Jesus! Tony!

I could still explain. Where's my bag?

About your bag...

My grandmother gave me that bag!

I hate you!

Claire, wait! No, don't go anywhere.

Wait!

No!

Come on!

Open up!

Not again!

How ya doin'?

Call me.

Hi. Can I help you?

So, you're Styles McFee.

Who are you?

What if I said I was the girl you ordered, and that other girl's a foreign exchange student?

That would explain some things.

I'll cut to the chase.

You've got my money. I'll let you keep half if you help me get out of here.

Possession is 9/10 of the law, toots.

It's my money now. You're gonna have to do better than half.

I think we can work something out.

It's a lot of money.

Get the chair, bitch.

See, now we're talking.

I'll gonna make you a little deal, okay?

If the sex is really, really great, I'll give you half the money.

Baby, when I get done with you... you'll give me all of it.

We'll see.

I'm done with you.

Oh, and look...

I got all of it.

That's not fair!

Okay, I can play fair.

Fair enough. No!

Come on, Styles. Reach out and touch it.

Oh, yeah. You can't.

Thanks for the good time, Styles.

No, stop! Come on.

I don't deserve this!

Help!

Someone help! Help!

Get over here!

Tony! Help me.

What happened to you?

There's no time to explain. A whore stole my purse!

My girlfriend's purse. But you gotta help me get it back.

Man, that two-timing...

Go get her. Tony! Don't look in the purse. though!

Someone help! Help!

Help!

Someone help!

I call the police. They come!

Let me just explain, because I think you might've misunderstood.

And...you look great. You do.

This is gonna hurt you more than it's gonna hurt us.

What?

Hey, man. We need to talk.

Knock it off. It's about the money. What money?

Don't give me that. I need the frickin' bag back!

The hooker screwed us both!

I knew she was too hot to be trusted.

We gotta get her!

Where do you think you're going, Sweetie?! Give me the purse.

I was looking for you, baby! Both you babies.

Shut up!

You don't mind us keeping this bag, then, right?

Hold her hands. I bet she's got something hidden on her.

Yeah, you like that, right?

What's this? This a vibrator or something?

Pepper spray. You gonna spray me, huh?

Let me go! What if I strip search her?

We should just let her loose, pervo. We got the money.

I called the police. You all go to jail!

I don't have time for this.

She's getting away! Forget her. We got the bag!

No. I got the bag. Hell, no!

We're gonna head down to the student union now.

You'll find students studying, having a snack--in their natural habitats.

My bag?! I can explain.

That bitch tricked us! There's only a little money here!

Come on. We gotta get out of here. It's about time.

Give me the money! Ted.

That's not fair, man!

Pleasure doing business with you boys.

Man, that's my money. No! It's my money!

Our graduates include two Nobel prize winners and 14 senators.

Our faculty is one of the most prestigious in the entire country.

Tradition. Studiousness. Dignity.

These words come to mind when one thinks of this fine university.

So, here's an interesting bit of trivia.

Can anyone tell me which campus building Eugene O'Neill died in? Anyone?

Cliff?

Hey, Pete.

One of the nice things about this university... is that public beatings like this rarely happen. Oh, God.

How does everyone know about the bag?

I don't know. Something weird's going on.

I think we're being set up. You should pack some things.

Why?

Trust me.

What are we doing?

I'm looking for my bag. Where is it?

Okay...we have to back in the dorm.

Oh, no. We're out of here.

Listen, you idiot, you do what I say.

And I say we're going back in the dorm!

Do you know someone who lost a purse around here?

You found it? Yeah.

Adrienne's been looking for it!

Here you go.

Well, thanks!

Everyone, this is not a representation of how things work on this campus.

I'm giving 3 to 1 odds on the ugly white guy.

This is ridiculous. My money's on tattoo-boy!

Gambling is not allowed on campus. Sir, gambling is not...

What are the odds? Three to one.

I'm good for 20.

Hold it. Yeah, right.

Out of my way, morons!

36 Starflower. We're 10-97 making entry.

You live here?

Yeah, I'm the R.A. What's going on?

We received a call saying there was some kind of hostage situation at this address.

Reggie. I thought you went home already.

Who called the police, and why is there a Christmas tree?

That's a fire hazard! Don't look at me.

Grandmother's handbag. You should kick Tony in the balls.

Totally! The police are here. Thank God.

Officers, you will be interested to know that there is a prostitute in this dorm.

A prostitute? That's her!

That's Dominique the prostitute! Me student! They crazy attacking me!

It seems she's on drugs. Cuff her!

What's going on? They're arresting Styles's prostitute.

Did Dominique ever arrive? That's her.

Wait, wait, wait, let me get this straight. There are two Dominiques?

But one's the whore, and one's just a foreigner.

We should get going, or we'll miss our flight to North Dakota.

Well, it was really nice meeting you. Dominique, was it?

Have a nice time in North Dakota.

I just have a few more things to pack. I think you'll like North Dakota.

I smell smoke.

Foosball was smoking. He bought the tree.

You bitches! This is a no-smoking building.

Marla and Lynne have an eight-ball of coke in their room.

It's hers! Whore!

Stop it! What?

They're going back in the dorm. Obviously, the money's still there.

Oh, yeah. So we should go!

I am Dominique from France, foreign exchange student!

It looks good to me. But if you're the student...

Then who are you?!

There she is!

Where do you think you're going, babycakes?

Finally we meet. I'm Wang.

Who actually called us? Where's this hostage situation?

The cops!

Lorenzo Rosatti! Let go of the girl!

Take that!

Booker, I think I smell smoke! Seriously! Do you smell that?

Finally we have the Black Hand! You! Down here!

Cuff all three of them right here.

Who are you? Gerri Farber.

No, that's just a cover. She's Britney the Snake.

I am not going down alone!

Does anybody know this girl? Yes. Gerri.

Give me the gun. It's really her!

I've seen her before, Rosatti. That ain't Britney.

She's lying! Shut up, Rosatti.

Okay, now I smell something burning.

They were supposed to fix this. Do you know how to turn that off?

I think so.

All right. You three stay put. Everybody else, back to your rooms.

I can... You can explain.

I'm really sorry. It's just that... I believe you.

God, I love you.

I love you, too, baby.

My grandmother was a bitch, anyway. Yeah, she was.

Wanna go find that money? Really?

There you are.

I got your bag back.

That's not the right bag.

Can I have my glasses back?

I have... a confession to make.

I'm not gay.

I didn't write that poem for Foosball.

I wrote that poem for you.

You did?

There's a shitload of money in here.

Keep it together. Sorry. Please.

You don't need to look over there. Forget it.

Screw it. We don't want your stupid, ugly kids at our university, anyway.

This place is a madhouse. What a day.

We got Lorenzo Rosatti-- "the Black Hand," a prostitute, and a couple of kids with a bunch of coke.

I'm not so sure that's a good idea. I don't know.

Totally! After we give Gerri some for her tuition, we can go to the Bahamas and live like kings.

I don't know if we'll have enough money to do that.

All right, then we'll go to Vegas.

We'll go away and have the best Christmas break ever...together.

I'm feeling kind of lucky. Yeah, so am I.


Booker, thank God!

I don't even want to know.

I've had some time to think about it... and I'm really sorry for the way I've been acting.

In fact, I have a confession to make.

I'm a virgin, too.

I know. I talk really big 'cause I can't find a girlfriend.

And I guess I ordered the whore for myself, but I was too embarrassed to admit it.

But I realize now that it's okay to be a virgin, Booker.

It's okay. We don't have anything to be ashamed of.

Speak for yourself, loser. I just lost my virginity.

In fact, I only came back to get some Gatorade.

I'm gonna go have a bunch more sex now.

See you tomorrow, Styles.

You're not really gonna leave me here, are you?

I don't deserve this, Booker!

Yes, I do.

I'm such a jerk!

I mean, I don't do unto others as they would want it...

I don't even know what it is, but I don't do it.

My family has a lot planned for us to do over the break.

Tell me about your family.

Need bathroom.

It's right over there.

Sorry.

Somehow I got your phone, and it's campus security about something.

Thanks.

Nice robe.

Hello?

Yeah, this is Wang.

What? That's impossible. She's here with me!

I don't know who that is, because I'm standing here with a girl... who was mugged on her way to see you.

They took all her things. Even her passport.

We have confirmed her identity. She is your foreign exchange student, Dominique.

So can you please come open the door and let us in?

I'll come right down.

Then who the hell is...

Yeah, Lorenzo double-crossed me. He got away?

I followed him and this girl to her dormitory on campus.

Can anyone ID you?

No. This dumb foreigner arrived, which gave me the perfect cover.

This whole thing's falling apart.

Shit. Did you get the money?

I had it in my hands, but I lost it.

We need to find it!

What the hell happened? How'd you lose it?

Hang on a sec.

It's a long story. I'll tell you when I get there.