Doug Stanhope: The Comedians' Comedian's Comedians (2017) Script

[cheers and applause]

Don't worry. I always start out any taping fucking around, and at some point, I'll get into the shit I have prepared for the show, and they'll cut right from whatever we did backstage to me talking.

This is the only show I've ever been on where the warm-up guy says "cunt," and it's appreciated.

[cheers and applause]

That was fantastic.

Thank you, Seeso.

[laughter]

I have not been onstage, uh, six months until tonight

'cause I had other shit I had to do.

I went and listened to tapes of myself onstage last time I was onstage six months ago, and heard myself saying, "I wish they just had the election today, so we'd never have to hear that fucking dude's name again."

[audience groaning]

That's how confident we all were.

I swore I would never work another election season

'cause it's so boring.

Just the news--there's nothing fun.

I don't care about politics.

I don't care who the president is.

If you do, you haven't lived your life right, if you care about who the president is, if you need a lead--

I voted for Gary Johnson.

Why? [cheers and applause]

I voted for Gary Johnson because I had to go vote for my local mayor and city council, and since president's on there anyway, I voted for Gary Johnson

'cause he follows me on Twitter.

And that's the problem with democracy.

If Donald Trump had liked one of your Tweets with a picture of your cat, you might've gone, "Well, he doesn't seem so bad."

Yeah, it's...

Democracy is a flawed theory, and maybe a dictator is what you need, 'cause a dictator doesn't need to be a bad guy.

You take the term "dictator," and you assume he's a tyrant.

No, he's a dictator.

I dictate we all have a great time!

Every day is casual Friday!

I dictate that shit. What's wrong with that?

I haven't been onstage in six months.

Writing a book.

Maybe I'll read you some passages from it later on.

So yeah. So I've been off work, and I thought, next week I go back on the road.

I got gigs in Oxnard and Reno, so I thought this might be a good tune-up opportunity.

Get me ready for those shows in Oxnard and Reno.

"Are you saying that you didn't tune-up for this special?"

No.

I did talk to a gentleman. I landed on a Sunday.

Today's Tuesday, so two days ago, when I landed very drunk after a lot of airplane issues, they dropped me off about 14 blocks from my hotel

'cause all the streets are closed down, so I've got three bags, walking like an asshole, like fucking "The Odd Couple."

[hums theme from "The Odd Couple"]

And a gentleman named Chadwick-- I don't know if you're here.

Right here. There you are.

You're here. Good.

Chadwick saw me on this very corner, as I had to take the left up that way, and he said, "Hey, I'm coming to your show."

And so I started blathering.

I knew your name was Chadwick, 'cause at a festival it's nice.

Everyone has a laminate with your fucking name on it, so I can pretend like I remember you.

I go, "Hey, it's good to see you...

Chadwick."

Which is memorable because you're a man of color, and your name was Chadwick from Baton Rouge, so I did work out some material on you.

I was drunk as shit.

And you were walking in my direction, so I go, "Baton Rouge," and so we started talking about murder.

Which after an 11-hour flight that should've been 3, murder was on my head and Baton Rouge, and I brought up the, uh-- it was one of the many, uh, "Cop shoots unarmed dude," black dude.

They should've numbered those like episodes, because you read one, and you go, "Oh, that's still going?"

Oh, no, this is a new one. This is number three.

You haven't seen number three? Oh, I thought I already...

The Baton Rouge one was especially annoying to me because in Baton Rouge, cop shoots an unarmed black guy.

Then, week or so later, black guy, in response, kills three cops randomly.

Not all murder is senseless.

That was senseless, in it was random.

You're in Baton Rouge. It's not a big town.

You could've killed the cop that killed the unarmed black guy.

They said his name on the news, and you know where he works.

How little legwork are you willing to put into your murders where you go kill three random cops, and oh, fucking riots, and then it's blue lives versus black lives.

Where if you killed the actual cop responsible, the entire country would just go, "Well, that worked itself out."

We need more murders that unite people.

No more divisive murdering.

You're a lazy murderer, and that bothers me.

The other thing, as a side note, is I know that black people like to name their kids weird, unpronounceable names, but remember, that makes it harder for us to hashtag your kid when they inevitably get killed by racist police officers on social media, where you want to go, "Oh, #istandwith--

"what the fuck is this?

Acetaminophen? What is this name?"

So yeah, go with Chadwick.

Chadwick is a name I will never forget.

Let me read you a passage from my book, and then we'll move on with comics that actually worked.

All right.

This book is not like the last book, which was a little depressing at points.

This is more just life on the road, just all the stuff you have to deal with, the shows and problems.

A Boeing 767 engine hooked up to a sewer pipe could not possibly suck as much shit as I did opening that first show at South by Southwest.

The Adderall had my nerves shaking, and the watered-down booze in the green room couldn't compensate.

Thank God Glenn Wool was backstage waiting to take over for me.

I promised myself that I'd regroup during his set and get stronger booze.

That's, uh...

The next comic coming to the stage right now is a Canadian, and he's not verified on Twitter, so I don't know if I trust him.

I'll leave it up to you to decide.

Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Wool.

[cheers and applause]

Yo.

Seem like nice folks.

People of Austin, straight shooters.

Come on, Glenn! That's right.

Not like those lying zoologists!

Make shit up.

Tell you things like swans mate for life.

Have you heard that lie?

It is not true.

They fly away as soon as you let them go.

With a look on their face that suggests they're not coming back.

Two feet, there's a lot of neck to shake no with.

I have the physical ability to turn around and look at what's happening, but I don't want to!

Never take bread from a man in a leather vest.

It just makes you sleepy.

There we go, folks. We got our first five swan-fucking jokes out of the way.

Don't worry, that's the end of them 'cause I understand.

If you didn't get the first one, it made the subsequent four pretty confusing.

Yeah, man, my name's Glenn.

I'm originally from Canada, but I live in England now.

Whoo! Thank you.

I moved over there for love.

Oh, what a nice reaction that was.

You guys have lived in the city for too long.

You hear something like that, and you're just like...

"Love? There's no money in that."

Yeah.

She's a good girl, man.

She's a flight attendant that grew up on a farm.

I know, sounds like a RedTube category, but it's not.

That is a real human, and sexually, that has a lot of bases covered, 'cause she travels the world.

She learns things.

She is like a jet-set "Kama Sutra."

But she also has that farming background, where you know that at any moment, if none of that fancy shit's working, she's also strong enough to hold you down by the neck and jerk you off into a bucket.

I'm telling you, Austin, you have not lived until you've heard a hot squirt hit tin.

I love it when a crowd gets a joke and an idea at the same time.

I met her in an interesting way.

Her best friend Tweeted to me on her birthday.

She said, "It's my best friend's birthday.

"She's your biggest fan.

Can you say happy birthday to her?" And I tweeted back.

I said, "I don't really do things like that."

And then I looked at her pictures, and I was like, "But in this case, "I can make an exception.

She's actually available for the diamond package."

Don't get me wrong, fine people of Texas, it was not immediately salacious.

We went on a lovely date to start things out, and I know that'll shock some of the younger viewers in here.

You won't even know what the fuck that is, but let me assure you, there was a time when gentlemen took ladies on dates.

It wasn't all just Netflix and sticking shit inside each other, no.

You went on dates.

And afterwards, I kissed her in the train station, which is not a euphemism.

And she said something when that kiss was done, and I had something to say back, but I didn't know whether or not I should 'cause it was bit dirty, and I didn't want to fuck things up.

She's a beautiful woman, and I didn't want to expose my personality too early in the relationship.

But then I thought to myself, You know what, fuck it.

I'm just gonna say it.

Let the chips fall where they may.

So many people don't.

So many people wait for the second child to be born.

Then you're sentenced to a life with somebody you've got nothing in common with, and every Friday you're like, "No, honey, you pick the movie!

You're so good at it!"

And she pulled away from the kiss, and she went, "Oh!

"Well, now I can tell everyone I kissed Glenn Wool."

And I said, "That's nothing.

I'm gonna go home and give him a hand job."

She laughed.

That's how I knew she was a good girl.

It's not a perfect relationship either.

I don't want you to think I'm up here bragging about it.

There's problems, like there is in any union.

With us, it's an age difference.

I'm 42, and she's 27, and I'm not proud of that, but I'm proud of that.

I'll stop telling people when I stop getting high-fives afterwards, all right?

A little insight into how male pride works.

It's obvious every once in a while how much younger she is.

Like, the other day, she brought up that she's younger than the Olsen twins.

I know, you remember the Olsen twins, those oddly fuckable babies from the '90s?

Like, for some reason, more fuckable then than they are now.

Hey, maybe I just like frilly dresses.

That guy's got an idea.

Every once in a while, though, it's really obvious she's so much younger.

The other day, she seriously, in the middle of a conversation, did not know who Axl Rose was.

[audience groaning]

Don't--fuck off.

She's just young.

She's not dumb.

The only reason you know who that is, is 'cause you're old, and you're not, like, some sort of musical genius.

Like, you don't know who the bass player for Buddy Holly and the Crickets was.

And I can explain shit to her.

She learns.

I told her, I said, "Look, "Axl Rose was in a band called Guns N' Roses.

"They made an album called 'Appetite for Destruction.'

"It was rock and roll perfection, and then he died."

No reason to put her through "The Spaghetti Incident?"

"Chinese Democracy" never happened in our house.

Yeah.

I fuck it up, though.

It's my sense of humor.

Sometimes it just gets in the way.

Like, one of the jokes I kept making that she accepted to a certain extent--but I kept saying--

I kept suggesting that I have more in common with her grandfather than I do with her, and she accepted it until one day, we were post-coital-- after fucking-- sex juices on our legs crusting, but not crusted, and I made one too many

"I got more in common with your grandfather" jokes, and she just stopped, and she said, "now, look, Glenn, "my grandpa died when I was two years old, "but I'm pretty sure he did not sit around all day

"in a leather vest, "writing inane little comments into a notebook

"in the hopes of dragging them onto a stage

"later that evening to try

"and seek the love of total strangers that he obviously never got as a child."

And I looked her straight in the eye, and I said, "I didn't die when you were two."

I only trust people who laughed out loud at that joke.

No, there's science behind it, because you didn't see it coming.

You heard that joke, and you were shocked at the ending, and you were like, "Well, there's no way

"that could be anything but ridiculous.

"I am free enough in myself and in my life to laugh out loud and let everyone know I get that joke."

Now, if you didn't laugh at that joke, it means in your subconscious, you've already considered fucking your grandkids.

In the bum holes.

That's right, Texas.

I had no reason to add that last line.

I just did it anyway.

[applause]

What a wonderful round of applause.

I do like you people, and I travel too much in this job.

You know, I just got to start settling down, but it's difficult.

The last time I was on my European tour, I received one of those circular emails from my mother.

You know, the kind that includes every member of your family.

You know when that happens, it's either gonna be good news or horrible, and it definitely was the latter.

Long story short, family member of mine going in for emergency surgery, 50-50 whether or not they're gonna make it.

Email me the next day and tell me how it went.

Now, the good news is, ladies and gentlemen, she made it.

She's gonna be with us for years and years to come, but I got a little emotional, and I hit "Reply all."

And I sent this message to every member of my family.

I said, "Look, I know since my divorce

"I've been a bit weird.

"There's reasons for that, but I'm coming out to Canada, "and I'm gonna be around the people

"I feel most comfortable with.

P.S. I love you guys," and I'm 42 years old, and I don't give a fuck who knows I love my family.

I don't think that's unmanly or effeminate.

If you have someone in your family you feel that way about, you tell them, and you tell them tonight because you may never get another chance, but if you do it via email, take my advice and proofread your fucking email before you send it, 'cause sometimes it's not about the words you do say.

It's about the words you leave out, 'cause maybe you're a little hungover in a different time zone.

'Cause I finished that heartwarming email to my family with the message, "P.S.

I love guys."

Let me walk you through that email one more time.

"I know since my divorce I've been a bit weird.

"There's reasons for that.

"I'm coming out to Canada

"to be around the people

"I feel most comfortable with.

"P.S.

I love guys."

You know what my biggest problem with it was?

No one called me on it.

And not in a "How dare you say you're gay" way.

I don't give a fuck if you think I'm gay, but you'd think one of my brothers a little closer to my age at some point would've chimed in to the email chain with a, "Oh, for fuck's sakes, Glenn, a woman is ill.

"It's 2017.

"No one gives a shit anymore.

"Just change your Facebook status, "stick a cock in your mouth, and shut the fuck up.

"Little drama queen.

"There is no reason on God's green Earth

"for you to drag your dick across your aunt's get well email."

Folks, you have been absolutely fun to talk to, and you've got a great lineup of some of my favorite comedians on the planet.

Here comes the big-time guy.

[cheers and applause]

Glenn Wool.

Discount Zach Galifianakis!

I heard "Zach Galifianakis."

If you're just pointing out anyone with a beard, it's the whole festival.

Stop thinking everyone is Zach Galifianakis.

It's the beard fest.

That's what you're at.

What else did you come to see at South by Southwest?

Why would you be here?

Why are you filming this on a camera when there's a--look at the camera behind you.

Where's a black guy where I can pull my small dick out and have him pull a giant dick out to make the analogy of you filming me on a cell phone next to that giant camera.

Don't you feel a little bit embarrassed?

You are, like--when you see--this kills me.

When anyone wins a championship: NBA, NFL, and they're on a fucking float for the--and they're filming.

Like, you're on every fucking network.

Do you not have DVR?

Do you think your own phone is getting a better shot than Fox or CBS is getting filming you in a ticker tape parade?

That's you, sir.

This next lady, I, uh...

I met her in Kansas City in the '90s, and I talked her into fucking me behind a dumpster, and she kept-- she was reticent about it, and-- but I was a young man, and the boner.

You just talk shop.

You talk shop, and she looked a lot like Uma Thurman, and she finally let me fuck her, and I realized the reason that she was saying no is

'cause she had a herpes outbreak, and I'm pretty sure that's the girl that gave me herpes.

This is not really that girl, but that girl does exist.

This girl is Morgan Murphy, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you, Doug.

I was, like, 14 in the '90s.

I wouldn't even have known how to give you herpes.

I'm gonna put this over here.

That's where I was told to put it.

Fucking nailed it. Show business.

Oh, everybody, hi.

I'm here, so that's good.

Thank you.

I don't fake orgasms.

I like to get that out in the beginning.

Thank you. Yeah, I don't fake them.

I think it's rude. I just have sex with my man.

Right, I have sex with men. That's a surprise.

And, uh, I have sex with my man, and then I wait for him to finish, right, and then I look him right in the eyes, and I say, "You failed me."

That's the way to go, right?

Honesty is key to every relationship.

You failed me.

Where are my medium penises at?

Mediums?

Mediano.

It's the perfect-sized penis.

It's a very Goldilocks situation, the penis.

It is. It's, like, too small is, like--

I'll fuck a guy with, like, a really small penis, but he's got to be, like, so funny.

Like, he's got to be so, like, above-the-show funny, like, you know?

Medium's great.

Big? No, thank you. I'm not into it.

Not into--I can handle it. It's not like--

I'm not, like, going, "Oh, my God, I'm afraid."

I'm not afraid of a big dick.

I just-I fucked a guy once with a very big, very long penis, and I'll never do it again.

I won't, 'cause I caught a reflection of myself in the mirror while it was happening, and I'll be very honest with you.

I looked a lot like-- do you guys remember those troll dolls at the end of a pencil from the '90s?

I looked like a pencil topper.

That's what I was.

Nostalgic, but...

I travel quite a bit.

I'm here, so that's proof.

I went to--where did I go recently?

I've been all over the place. I went to Indiana.

I went to the Bahamas on a cruise.

I love the Bahamas.

I'll go anywhere with "Hamas" in the title.

Went to Europe.

You ever go to Europe?

Fucking Europe, that place is old as shit.

It's so nice, it's so nice.

'Cause I think my house is old. I'm like, "It's 40 years old."

And then I go to Europe, and I'm like, "Oh, my God, this is, like, before dogs or something."

I don't even know what it was, but I fucking love Europe.

I did the most European thing that a human being can do, ever, besides wearing, like, Ferrari shoes or something.

I went to a bakery, and I got a croissant in Europe, right?

I was like, "I'll have this croissant."

And the lady was like, "It's 'kwa-saw.'

The T is silent."

So I was like, "Oh.

"Well, then you're being a cun.

The T is silen..."

So, I'm a nice lady.

Don't give blow jobs anymore.

I'm done, 35, retired.

Retired, thank you, from blow jobs.

It's been amazing. There was a ceremony.

They lifted my blow job jersey into the rafters, um, and I'm done.

I'm done. It's awesome. I just--it's--I don't know.

I'm not--I wasn't good at it anyway.

I ignored the balls like they were homeless.

It was a very--it was like, "Ah, I'll get you on the way out."

No, but I still want the guy I'm with to get a blow job, which is the thing.

It's a very, like, difficult sort of balance, 'cause I'm like, I don't want to do it, but I want you to have it, so what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna start paying someone to suck dick for me.

I don't think it's prostitution.

I think it's, like, evolution.

I think it's life. It's outsourcing.

It's whatever we do here at the South by Southwest tech-- there's an app probably for it that I haven't even figured out yet that somebody's-- I just think it's fucking right.

It's like, here's what life is, right?

Life is, you start paying someone to do things you don't want to do anymore, right?

That's it. That's life, right?

Hey, you know what, you clean my house.

You park my car.

You suck that dick.

It's the same.

It could be the same person, a very entrepreneurial South by Southwest-y type person who's like, "No, I do it all till I make it, and that's how it works."

How great would it be?

Ladies, fellas, whoever sucks dick in here, how great would it be if you could, like, go on a nice date with your man, right?

You eat, you know, your food.

You leave half to prove a weird point.

You go back to his place.

You're making out, kissing, sucking on your tits, all the good stuff, right?

Not--you are not sucking on your own tits.

He's sucking on your tits.

Unless you like to suck on your own tits.

I don't know what you fucking like to do.

I don't know...

But how great would it be if the second a guy started pushing your head down, you could just tap out and be like, "She'll be sucking your dick now.

"This is Stephanie. She needs the money.

I'll be in the bedroom with 'Westworld' on pause."

We'll be fine. Like, everyone gets everything.

You guys think white actresses adopt African babies so the kids won't think it's weird that their mom is starving?

What do you guys think?

They're very thin, actresses.

If I did accents, that joke would be so long.

I would do the kid, and the kid would be like, "There's so much food in this house."

I don't do fucking accents.

That's not even, like, an African accent.

I don't know what that is, but then I would do it, and you guys would go crazy. I wouldn't even be in this room.

I'd be in an arena right now if I did fucking accents.

I'd be in a fucking--I'd be, like, in a stadium, and I'd be like, [British accent] "I don't give blowjobs."

And people would be like, "Oh, my God, that's not how she really sounds."

Like, it would be fucking...

I voted for Hillary.

[cheers and applause]

I try to do something right in this world, man.

I voted for Hillary. I like Hillary.

I've liked Hillary since I was a kid.

I also thought it'd be very exciting to see a 69-year-old woman get any job.

I thought that would be a thrill.

My mom's waiting to hear back from Barnes & Noble.

She might get to wrap gifts during the holiday season.

Don't hold your breath.

I liked Bernie too.

I thought Bernie had a lot of good shit to say.

Yes. [cheers and applause]

Very nice gentleman.

I thought that "Feel the Bern" was a much better slogan than "Rub the Clint," so I was into that.

I don't like Donald Trump. He's a big fucking dum-dum.

And, uh... He's a big fucking dum-dum.

I don't think he underst--oh, thank you.

Oh, all right, big fucking dum-dum gets the claps.

Work on punch lines, work on punch lines.

Just say "Big fucking dum-dum."

Oh, all right, I get it.

Sorry.

Nice, big dum-dum.

I don't think Donald Trump knows the meaning of the word consent.

I don't, 'cause I told him to use it in a sentence once when we were at Starbucks.

I said, "Donald Trump, can you use the word consent in a sentence?"

And he said, "Can you believe that cunt sent all those emails?"

And I was like, that is not even the right way to say that word, you big dum-dum.

I think I can solve, like, all of politics, by the way.

I think I can, like, figure it out.

I think if I ran for president, here would be my thing, right?

Abortions, too hard to get.

Guns, too easy to get.

Guess what, everybody? Switcheroo.

Just swap how you get them, right?

That's fucking--that'll solve everything.

You want an abortion, you go to your nearest Walmart.

Guy in a red shirt's like, "I can give you an abortion."

You get an abortion, right?

You want a gun, well, you got to find the last gun store left in the state.

You got to walk past, like, 500 people with pictures of gunshot wounds, and then you got to talk to a guy who went to school for 30 years, and he tells you if you can have a gun.

Solved.

Smoke marijuana.

Love marijuana.

I do. It's great medicine.

I live in California, and I thought California had the best marijuana.

I was like--not just the best marijuana, but the best access to marijuana, all that shit, right?

You want marijuana, you get marijuana, easy breezy, but you pay for it.

Israel has the best marijuana.

I was in California, smoking California marijuana, watching a documentary about Israel.

I figured all this out.

Israel, the government gives you marijuana.

You got a headache, the government's like, "You need marijuana." You got cancer, the government's like, "You get marijuana."

Here was a dude in his 90s, Holocaust survivor, right, was having flashbacks, couldn't fucking shake it.

The government gave him marijuana.

He felt great. I watched that.

I was like, "Oh, my God, can you imagine being so high you forget the Holocaust?"

That's amazing.

I smoke, like, "forget your Grubhub password" weed.

Not Holocaust shit.

Marijuana's fun, right? Anyone smoke weed?

There should be a rule though.

Like, I feel like there should be a rule about marijuana where, like, for a half hour after you smoke, no one should ever ask you for a favor.

Right?

I smoke weed, and then someone's like, "Hey, will you remember to tell me"--

I'm like, "No, I will not."

I like porn as well, all the vices.

I like porn. Regular porn though.

Where is regular porn?

There is no regular porn any--that's what I like.

We have fucking jumped the shark so hard, porn-wise-- where's regular porn?

I'm starting my own website, my very own website, called onedickonehole.com.

No surprise dicks, no surprise holes, guaranteed, asterisk.

It's very-- porn is very aggressive right now.

It's very degrading.

It's very chokey.

It's very slappy.

There's a Chinatown amount of spitting happening that I don't understand at all.

Regular porn--I saw a porn that was so mean to women, so fucking degrading.

It was just a man telling his wife of 47 years that he never loved her.

I mean, I came, but it was very difficult.

Very difficult.

I like regular fucking porn.

I like a story in a porno.

Like, you know, a writer got paid.

I'm pro-union. I'm into that shit.

Not all stories, not all the fucking--

I don't like the taxi driver shit.

No, never. That's not a fuckable place, a taxi.

I've never wanted to fuck near someone's empty, like, energy drink or whatever.

Doctor-patient porn, not my thing, not for me.

I see it on the web. I see it's popular, but I've never been to the doctor like, "Oh, yeah, I've had diarrhea for six weeks.

"If you'd just fuck it out of me, I think that would be the right way to go."

I like--I like--here's what I'll tell you.

I like babysitter porn 'cause I kind of buy it.

Like, I kind of believe that it's real.

Like, I like babysitter porn. It's good.

If you guys haven't seen babysitter porn, I'll explain every babysitter porn to you, all right, every single one.

If you haven't seen it, you'll catch up right now.

Babysitter porn is, like, there's a babysitter, right?

In this case, picture a 38-year-old woman in pigtails.

And she's doing what babysitters do, right?

She's masturbating on the couch.

And then the dad comes home alone

'cause the mom died or something at dinner or whatever, and he starts fucking the babysitter, like, super loud, crazy loud, like, rude.

Like, it's rude at this point, right, and this is when I start screaming at my iPad Mini, "Hey, you keep it down.

There is a child asleep in the next room."

No one ever takes the child into consideration in babysitter porn.

That's all I want.

There's a fucking kid back there.

If you're gonna believe the fucking, believe the kid.

All I want to see is a guy just coming all over his babysitter, and then I want a six-year-old to walk in with a blankie going, "What's happening? I'm sleepy."

I know, you're thinking, "Morgan, that'll never happen.

A kid will never walk out in the middle of a porno," and that is not true, because I live in a city called Los Angeles, California, and someone in that city would send their kid to that audition.

Just like...

All right, you guys, thank you guys so much.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Morgan Murphy.

[cheers and applause]

A lot of DJs at this festival, and I just want to cry bullshit on myself a little bit.

People who hate DJs and electronic music because, "You know what? Used to be music.

"You had to learn how to play an instrument.

"You'd spend years trying to fucking learn

"all the chords and jam out.

Now they just have to push a button."

Well, that's progress, which is great.

You don't do that with email.

Yeah, fucking I get this Nigerian spam shit.

Used to be if a Nigerian wanted to spam me, you had to sit in a jungle with a quill pen and use squirrel blood to write a scrawl on some parchment and put it in a slave ship and hope someone found it.

Message in a bottle.

Now they just have to hit a button.

Just say what it is.

The music is shit.

It doesn't matter if they had to hit a button.

If it was whatever your favorite song--"Hotel California,"

I love that song.

Well, all they did was hit a button.

I don't care. It's good music.

Call DJs out for just playing shit.

The last guy coming out, he's very nervous.

He doesn't like to do comedy.

He hates your guts.

I've actually seen this next guy pee a hotel bed.

He peed the bed when we were on the road years ago, standing up... on his own bed, while my road manager, Chaille, took pictures of him peeing on the bed that actually did save me from a sexual offender thing.

It's a long story, but let's just bring him out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Brendon Walsh.

Let's make it big!

Make it big!

Doug Stanhope.

Let him hear it.

Give it up.

Give it up for Doug and Morgan and Glenn.

Come on, give it up.

You got to give it up.

Give it up.

Give it up for yourselves.

Come on, give it up for yourselves for coming out to a comedy show.

Give it up.

Give it up for your moms, right?

Everybody's got a mom.

Give it up for your mom.

None of us would be here if it weren't for our moms and our dads.

Give it up for your dad, whether or not you know the guy or like him.

Give it up for your dad and his hard dick.

Give it up for your dad's hard dick.

That's how we all got here.

Give it up for that purple, veiny throbber and that magic night nine months before you were born, when your dad laid your mom down on that bed, licking his lips all LL Cool J-style.

Give it up.

Magical lovemaking night, trying all the positions.

Give it up for the 69 action that Mom and Dad did.

Mom and Dad, 69-ing, getting them in the mood.

Dad-on-top 69 action.

Dad on top, 69-ing your mom.

Give it up. They were inventive.

Mom and Dad, Dad on top, 69-ing, that's how we all got here.

Your dad fucking blew a big load of dad jizz deep inside your mom's vagina, coating them eggs, getting them eggs all coated in dad jizz, and nine months later, there we are.

Here we are now.

I mean, give it up for your grandparents too.

They got the ball rolling, if you think about it.

Grandma, Grandpa, other Grandma, other Grandpa, their untrimmed, unphotographed genitals.

Yeah, Grandpa's never taken a dick pic.

He doesn't know how.

Maybe Grandma took a picture of her beaver one time, you know, when Dad was at war--

Grandpa was at war, hired a guy to come over with those, like, big cameras on stilts, put a sheet over his head, and...

[imitates camera flash]

One for safety.

Nice picture of your grandma's beaver.

Actually, let's not talk--

My grandma's in the hospital, so I shouldn't.

No, it's fine. She's, uh...

She's having a baby.

It's good, yeah.

I know, right? It's exciting.

I'm gonna have a baby uncle tomorrow.

So exciting.

I'm gonna be carrying a baby uncle around--oh!

People will be like, "Is that your son?"

I'll be like, "No, it's my uncle."

It's my fucking baby uncle.

Look how cute he is.

Oh, baby uncle just puked all over me.

He spit up.

Spit up my grandma's breast milk all over my new shirt.

Got that grandma milk on my shirt.

Grandma's got to breastfeed my baby uncle.

It'll be easy. She'll just be standing there, knitting, set him down in his baby uncle seat or whatever.

Just unfurl one of her boobs to come down and--

[mushing] It's like a Wicked Witch of the West legs, the grandma titties.

If a fly lands on his face, she'll be like, "Whapow!"

Fucking baby uncle, dude.

For the first time in history, I'll have to keep people from molesting my uncle.

Instead of the other way around.

Fucking Pizzagate style.

[chuckles]

One thing that I'm not happy about.

I don't like my grandma's boyfriend.

She's dating this, like, fucking 19-year-old skateboarder guy, teenage step-grandpa always trying to act like my grandpa.

I'm like, "Fuck you, Grandpa. Pull up your pants.

I remember a time before the Internet."

That's a show right there.

It's teenage step-grandpa, baby uncle, come on.

Some executive, green-light that.

Get Jim Belushi on the phone.

Yeah, I'm fucking fat.

I'm a big, fat bitch. I keep getting fat.

There's nothing I can do about it.

It's out of my hands.

I still get laid all the time, don't worry.

I was banging this young girl, and she was trying to do dirty talk, you know.

She was like, "Give it to me, daddy."

You know how ladies talk.

"Give it to me, daddy!

"Stick it in me.

Give it to me, daddy."

Yeah, it's not--don't call guys "Daddy."

It's not hot.

It's disturbing. That's what I told her.

I was like, don't call me "Daddy."

Call me "Father."

Better yet, what's your dad's name?

Just call me that.

"Oh, Jimothy."

Jimothy?

What the fuck?

That is funny, though. It's like, calling-- like, girls calling guys daddy is dirty talk.

It's just the same as father almost, but it's weird if you call a guy father.

Give it to me, father.

That's like if you tell somebody you want to fuck their brains out.

That's kind of acceptable, but if you tell somebody you want to fuck their brain out, it's a lot more aggressive that way.

I was talking to one of my fat friends on the phone.

He's got, like, an office job, you know?

They do casual Friday.

Anybody have an office job that does casual Friday?

That's fucking insulting.

It's like, "Oh, yeah, one day a week, "we let all the 40-year-olds

"wear what they want to wear.

"We're a cool company.

"You can wear your Joy Division T-shirt on Friday, "but if you pull that shit on Monday, you're fired, fuck-face."

Office jobs are the fucking worst, man.

So passive-aggressive. Everybody hates each other.

You have nothing in common with everybody.

If you have just some hump office job, the only thing you have in common with everybody that you work with is, you don't want to be homeless.

You like having shit.

And it's always, like, very passive-aggressive.

Like, every, like, office--you go to any office in the country.

They have a kitchen area, you know?

The kitchen area with a big, stupid refrigerator with everybody's dumb lunch in it.

There's Post-it notes on everybody's lunch.

"Don't eat my lunch!

Somebody's been eating my lunch accidentally."

That's not an accident. It's big, fat Pete.

Pete's in the corner like, "Ah, yeah, it was delicious.

"I'll keep doing it until somebody says something to my face."

"No, another Post-it note."

Every office--every kitchen area in every office has--they have the same signs right over the sink.

They're not, like, professionally-made signs.

They're just, like, signs that somebody, like, secretly printed out in Microsoft Word in a big font, and they wait till no one's looking, and then they hang them up over the sink, and they always say the same thing.

They're always like, "Don't leave any mugs or bowls in the sink.

"Don't leave any mugs in the sink.

"This is everybody's area.

"This isn't just your area.

It's everybody's. Don't leave any mugs."

[grunting]

It's like, what the fuck? It's just a mug in the sink.

It's not hurting anybody.

What the fuck's going on in your life that you're unhappy about-- that a mug in the sink is what you're hanging signs up about, lady?

Yeah, it's a lady too.

It's not a guy hanging up the mug signs.

If there's a mug in a sink pissing a guy off long enough, you know what you do, you take the mug out of the sink.

You smash it on the ground.

It sends the same message to big, fat Pete when he shows up to the sink.

Oh, I guess I shouldn't have left that there for as long as I did.

And now I don't have to read your cunty sign every time I'm washing my hands at the sink.

There's fucking signs everywhere.

The last office I worked in, there was a sign in the handicapped stall where I would take my shit every day.

Right?

You always--if you have to shit in public, you shit in a handicapped stall.

Am I right? It's, like, the best stall.

It's a giant, luxurious stall.

It's got its own sink in there half the time.

Climb up there, use it as a bidet if you want to.

Nobody's gonna know. You're untouchable.

You're in the handicapped stall.

And we all do that. We all shit in the handicapped stall if we have to shit in public

'cause it's the best stall, but none of us ever park in handicapped parking spaces.

Like, if I came up and was like, "You know where the best parking spaces are, handicapped parking spaces. I park there all the time."

You'd be like, "Boo, you piece of shit asshole."

But it's not, like, a moral thing.

The only reason you don't park in handicapped spots is 'cause there's a fine.

There's, like, a $400 fine, and there's no fine for the handicapped stall, so we all shit up their stall, but we won't--we'll drive around a parking lot all day with 100 free handicapped spots.

We won't park there. When there's, like--

You go to Target, there's, like, 100 handicapped spots.

What are the odds of 100 wheelchair guys showing up to Target at the same time?

You don't need that many handicapped spots at the wheelchair store, let alone Target.

And let's say 100 wheelchair guys do show up at Target at the same time, and they have to take a shit.

One of us is in their handicapped stall with our rad-ass legs.

Can't wait to get up from my shit and run around the store like a psycho.

And they don't even, like-- when's the last time you saw, like, a severely handicapped person park in a handicapped spot?

It's always fat fucks.

Like, people that are too fat to fucking walk, they park in the handicapped spot and pull their fucking scooter out of their van.

I say make their handicapped spot further away from the entrance.

Let that fucking 30-year-old fat bitch walk a little bit, that fucking-- make the TSA employee walk a little further.

Fucking useless fat fucking TSA employees.

Fucking pieces of shit.

Is anybody here a TSA employee?

Anybody here an officer of the TSA?

Sitting behind your giant X-ray machine, sucking down packets of mayonnaise like, "Thank God 9/11 happened, am I right?

"I'm fucking unemployable.

"What would I do if 9/11 didn't happen?

"Take off your fucking hoody before you walk through the giant X-ray machine."

Isn't it a giant X-ray machine?

"Shut up. I got a badge.

Dump out your liter bottle of water."

Why? "'Cause I said so."

Well, can I have 100 1-ounce bottles of water?

"Yeah, shut up. Fucking, ah! I have a badge."

And then you go fucking, like--if you go, like, they-- and I don't hate fat people or anything, but I fly a lot, If you're too fat to fit in the seat, there should be a thing.

They have that thing at the gate.

If your bag doesn't fit in there, like, the fucking stewardesses don't want-- they don't want you to fucking carry-- nobody wants you to carry anything on

'cause you got all these assholes fucking carrying

"Joe Versus the Volcano"-sized steamer trunks onto planes now, and the stewardesses don't want anybody to fucking carry anything on, so they're like, "If it doesn't fit in there, ah!"

Well, put a fucking seat next to that, too, so I don't have some guy's side fat on me for five hours.

And they'll wheel them to the front of the plane.

Like, you go to the airport bar.

You have one too many drinks, they won't let you on the plane, as they wheel an 800-pound guy past you like, "Well, looks like you picked the wrong addiction, sucker.

I get to board first."

So I shit in the handicapped stalls.

That's what I do. That's my fucking payback.

And I shit in a handicapped stall at the last place I worked.

They had a sign in the handicapped stall that said, "Don't put too much toilet paper in the toilet."

That sign makes me want to fucking overflow the toilet on purpose, you asshole.

What's that sign for? Don't put too much toilet-- all the toilet paper goes in the toilet eventually.

You mean don't put too much in at once, you fucking asshole?

Pointless fucking sign.

I hung up a sign next to it that said, "Please don't clutter the walls with too many unnecessary signs," and then they took my sign down, like mine was the fucking dumb one.

I can never fully relax when I'm shitting in a handicapped stall either.

Right? 'Cause you're always afraid you're gonna look under the stall door and see two wheels come rolling up.

Like...[groaning]

The door jiggles.

Uh, there's somebody in here!

Is my wheelchair still out there?

I left my wheelchair outside the stall, decided to belly crawl in here, 'cause I'm a troop.

If my wheelchair's not out there, go get help.

You got to support the troops!

All right, guys, thanks. That's all I'm gonna say.

I love you.

I love you. Good night.

Have a good rest of your lives.

[cheers and applause]

Hey, Brendon Walsh, ladies and gentlemen.

Morgan Murphy.

Glenn Wool.

We're gonna fucking shut this bitch down and get shitfaced.

Or something.

[cheers and applause]

Please hold and get your clapping thing going because I have to do some clean intro/outros because I keep fucking around and telling horrible stories about the comics coming up, so we're gonna do three intros/outros.

Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Wool.

[cheers and applause]

I got the outros. Fuck the outros. [stammering]

All right.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, Morgan Murphy.

And one more time, ladies and gentlemen, Brendon Walsh.

Did you see anything here that you liked?

Yeah! Yeah!

What did you see, some fucking DJs?

This would be a great place for a mass murder.

There's just fucking techie people and DJs and assholes and beards.

Who cares?

Not gonna--fucking-- at what point where the Little Engine That Could is chugging up the hill...

"I think I can."

At what height will Austin get over itself?

Like, at what point do you go, "Yeah, it used to be cool, but now it's douche market?

"Let's flee this place.

Let's gentrify a fucking nother rotting town."