Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) Script

THE SPIES WHO CAME IN FROM THE SEMI-COLD


Come in.


A new batch of exploding girls is ready, Doctor.

What a fabulous machine I've invented, it does everything automatically, when we used to do it all by hand.

Perfect. Hardjob, the pressure gauge, please.

Fantastic!

Let's see.

Plastic injection fine tuning.

Check. Excellent.

Engage circuit.

Circuit engaged.

Contact!


They look so real, don't they?

In fact, they're a diabolical creation, a product of my scientific genius.

Each of these beauties is equipped with a little device... which in our profession... or rather, my profession... is known as the Kiss of Death.

A touch from their lips that has more pressure... than an innocent kiss completes a circuit and... bang!

A glorious explosion that will destroy my lovely creations... along with their victims.

Why am I doing all this?

It's quite simple really.

You see...

I've made a deal with my Chinese friends, we're going to share control of the entire planet.

And what of America and Russia? Two obstacles to be removed.

To begin with, my lovely exploding girls will eliminate certain annoying generals.

Then, when the only survivor is General Willis... my plan will move into it's final phase.

A simple one, as the general looks exactly like me.

An incredibly charming man.

We should get a move on, we must go into action, duty calls.

Let it call. Show some respect for that uniform.

An agent should always be ready. I am ready!

Will you be serious! Leave me alone.

Who's that?

Ciccio! A Chinese man.

Who, him? Just a tourist. He looks Chinese.

Come on, let's go. Where to?

Let's go, he's watching us. Is someone watching?


Hey, where are you going?

Stop. What is it?

I think we're being followed. The Chinese man?

Chinese or not, we have to confront him. You remember our instructions?

Of course, Orsa Major force. Show me.

The Chinese man, not me. Alright!

Let's hide. You hide me, I'll hide you.

Come on.

Hear anything?

We must use our ears.

Your ears!

Can you hear anything? Chinese footsteps.

What shall we do? We need a plan.

Which one?

Plan 5 time 8 is 24. Fine.

Let's move.

Careful.

Be careful.

He's coming.

Let's hide.

Well done.

Mission accomplished.

But... What is it?

I thought he was Chinese? Must be plastic surgery.

True, the Chinese are masters of disguise.

In or out of disguise, he's still Chinese.

The countdown's over, time to go. Let's move.


After you.

It's 7:30. Next time you're late, you can find another job.

It's the Chinese man's fault. Quiet. Guests are coming.

Good evening. Welcome.

Thank you. The ladies' coat, please.

A world of luxury we'll never know. We won't be doormen for ever.

That's why we're taking classes in espionage.

Once we get that diploma, we'll be able to say we're in the FBA.

Kidnapping, extortion, secret formulas, Chinese spies...

We'll know all about it! Women too!

Women have a secret passion for secret agents.

How do you know? Study. Watch the movies.

By the way, our fourth lesson has arrived.

You didn't tell me. What does it say? Let me see.

This is a curate's pen. A what?

Black curate, it's poison. You mean curare.

You just press this button, and... Careful. You could kill me.

Isn't there a manual with it? Sure, here it is.

But I can't read it. Why not?

I forgot my glasses.

To have curare delivered to you, send another 10,000 lire enclosing a valid prescription.

Here I am, Dr Golfoot, just as you ordered.

Well done Fong. The general will be here soon.

We will observe him closely.

She's the cloakroom girl. No, not at all!

She's a copy.

Your job is to take care of the real one.

This way my dear.

That's right, this way.

Let's go.

Careful with the pen, it's dangerous.

More guests.

Welcome. Good evening.

Thank you.

She didn't feel a thing!

Where are you going?

I'm sorry. Welcome, thank you.

Thank you.

What have I done? I can't die by the pen!

The Chinese guy!

Stop it. Let me.

For you, for me? For him!


The manager! Mission accomplished. Retreat!


This man is dangerous, we must interrogate him.

He has to talk. I don't think that's likely.

He's faking! We're smarter than he is.

We'll tie him up and question him after our shift.

Good idea. Even unconscious, he's still Chinese.

Thank you.

Do it now.


Quick, hurry up.

Time to go to work.


This one's so angry, I think he's going to explode.

I told you!

This is pseudo-acrylic acid. Dr Golfoot's favourite explosive.

Who is this Coldfeet? The most evil man alive.

A heartless killer, who's already tried to take over the world.

Sure. That explosion obviously drove you mad.

I have to contact Colonel Benson of the SIC at once.

Hurry up, untie me. Who's SIC?

Security Intelligence Command. He's a secret agent!

Secret agent? How do we know he isn't Chinese, disguised as an American, so we think he's an American and not Chinese so we don't know he's an agent!

True! I hadn't thought of that. Where's your identification?

In my wallet. Back pocket. With your permission.

Here.

It's horrible!

What does it say? I've forgotten my glasses, read it.

It's true! Bill Dexter, secret agent. Like us!

Wait. Mr Agent, please!

Take us with you! We'll make a good impression.

It's not easy being a secret agent. You need bravery, intelligence.

You need to speak four foreign languages.

That's me! I've studied languages.

I know dialects from Palermo, Catania, Syracuse, everywhere!

Know why he doesn't speak Chinese? He's never studied it.

He's great with disguises. Do you remember Fregoli?

He's even better than him. Show him what you can do.

Here I go. Attention please. Transformation!


He's good, isn't he?

The boss will be giving you a few tips. Pay attention.

They'll be of great use. This is it.

Young students, you are studying to be secret agents and to take on secret missions... Ask who that is.

Who is that?

He's Colonel Benson. He runs SIC, and is an old friend.

I didn't understand.

And I say again, the future of the world depends on you...

He's very good, we've worked together many times.

One moment.

Hello there! Oh, it's you.

Still here? I thought you'd been fired.

Colonel, it's urgent. I must speak with you privately.

I can prove that Dr Gold foot has... Speak up man!

It's rude to whisper in front of others.

He's still alive!

Dr Goldfoot?

Wait in my office. I'll meet you there when I've finished.

Now pay close attention.

Is that a secret sign?

Head down to personnel, they'll take all your details.

Here are your data cards. Pin them to your jackets.

I'd give anything to have one. Are they hard to get?

Practically impossible.

These are for you.

Students!

Attention! One, two, one, two.

We're in!

What do you want, Bill? Four NATO generals have been killed...

One was blown up this evening, I was right there!

I've heard, but I don't see where you fit in.

You no longer work for SIC.

You like the ladies too much.

I saw Goldfoot in the same place that the general died.

Your imagining things.

I'm not, colonel.

Is this what you came to tell me?

Yes sir, exactly.

It's sad, Bill. You'd do anything to get back into the agency.

You'd even invent a story about Goldfoot being alive.

That won't fool me, do you hear?

Are you mad? This is a direct line to the president.

Hallo? Yes, Mr President, it's me.

About the generals? Bombs?

Surely, it's just a coincidence?

Yes, sir. We're doing all that we can.

Yes, sir. Even the impossible.

Yes, president. The impossible. As you wish.

I'm going to see my little friends, it's their breakfast time.

How are we today, little fishes? Are you hungry?

I've got a nice steak for you, the way you like it. Rare.

Come on, boys. Throw it in.

What? Thirty seconds?

That's not good enough. We'll have to starve them for longer!

I want them to eat that much in the standard time, 25 seconds.

Please, come in.

Please, have a seat.

Gentlemen, this is... perhaps I should read this.

This meeting is top secret.

This room is completely secure . Here, we're safe... from microphones, recorders, and cunning spies.

No-one can observe us or eavesdrop.

Please turn your attention to this map.

There have been bombings in all the NATO capitals, the targets were all generals involved in maneuvers this June.

Is there a link between these events?

If there is, our Secret Service will discover it.

As you know, we have hundreds of highly trained men The results of years of training.

Highly efficient operatives, ready for anything.

However, there should not be human error in selecting agents.

I can make a mistake, but Rita cannot.

Who is Rita? Rita is IBM's latest computer, The pride of your industries.

Right.

Miss Rosanna, after you.

Gentlemen, this is Rita. Rita, meet these gentlemen.

Data cards for all our agents... have already been added to her memory.

In a few seconds, Rita will select... their various skills and abilities... deciding automatically the best agent for the job.

May I? I'd like to press a button.

This one. Of course.

Gentlemen, we make mistakes, but machines don't.

That's what he thinks!

Done!

Right, let's see.

477 and 478.


You're here too? That's right.

There's lots of great stuff here.

I've heard this is great. Have you tried it?

I prefer something a little lighter.

A grenade with a short fuse. The kind I like to use!

Would you pass me a Breda Which type?

Why, a Breda. You're shameless.

I'll take an 84. With pleasure.

What nature creates, Ciccio takes. Oh, very good!

Now that's a gun!

TNT! My secret ingredient.

Sicilian gelatine.

Pistachio flavour!

Delicious, try some.

I'm so sorry! Commander, forgive us.

Why the dark expression?

Dear chaps, my thirty year career is in your hands.

To think that my future depends on you!

For a start, no weapons. What?

Not even a machine gun? Nothing.

Come this way.

A true secret agent doesn't use guns.

The bulge in your jacket would give you away Instead...

A spy uses cunning. Cunning?

A bit of milk never hurt.

But a chop to the neck does!

We're the best! The wicked get no rest.

Excellent!

What's he doing?

Easy now, boss. Secret agents... must know how to suffer, they must be able to take pain! Pain?

I've fought with an octopus, I can handle a hippopotamus.

What hippopotamus? You! Here's my hand.

That tickles! Come on!

It's incredible! Fantastic! Shake my hand!


This won't take a second.

No photos! How dare you? My camera!

Give me my camera. Calm down.

Do you know who we are? No. - Lucky for you.

Look who it is.

Hello there!

I'm glad I found you.

Listen carefully. We must join forces.

Only I can tell you... where to find the bomber, Dr Goldfoot.

I'd rather eat my sandwich. Interesting. Where is he?

My investigations show that he's renting a villa... on the Appian Way.

It has a large basement.

He's storing a lot of plastic materials. You know what that means?

Not a clue! But it's obvious.

All the generals were killed by exploding plastic dummies... that looked like real women. Dr Goldfoot makes them in that villa!

We have to stop him. Dr Goldfoot? Exploding women?

You're inventing it all so you can join the FBI.

And you sound like Benson! He told us to speak to no-one.

And above all not to trust you!

So you won't use me on this mission?

It's our case, we'll deal with it. We'll use ourselves!

Fine!

I'll talk to Rosanna, she'll convince Benson to give me the case.

I'll show you. Go ahead!

We've trained, you know! We studied at the Post Office.

Enough of your distractions!

Actually, he's right. So why didn't you tell him?

The time's not right. I prefer The Daily News.

I mean timing!

I've memorized the map. We'll go to the villa without him.

We'll stop him, reveal his identity and arrest him.

Ciccio, compared to you, I'm a small spy.

This Bill Dexter is making me nervous.

You know what?

I have to get my hands on this Rosanna.

Incredible. You have a heart after all!

Don't be ridiculous, Fong. I need her so I can duplicate her.


Trespassers in the garden. Excellent.

Those two idiots are just in time.

Chun Lai, feed the piranhas.

This place looks uninhabited. Seems innocent to me.

Bill said this was the place. So either he's wrong or we are.

Do you have a hypothesis? What are you doing?

I left it at home. Do you have any ideas?

Let's look for him.


Franco! Where are you? What are you doing?

A water feature! It's hardly the time.

I mean a pool! With water and fishes. Come and look.

Where is it? This way.

Come on.

Look, what a lovely pool! The water's clean too.

You know what? I'm going to bathe. What?

You're mad, we're in May. I haven't had a bath since last May!

And you caught a cold. Okay, I'll check the water.

Give me your hand.

Something's eaten my shoe!

Let me see.

Who was that? Another bather? - Look!

He can't swim, he's drowning. Let's help him.

Come closer, reach out your hand!

Ciccio! A swimming skeleton!

Which way? Where's the exit?

Over that wall, come on.

Yikes! The Bengal Lancers.

Wait for me!

Wait! We're being shot at!

Commander! We found the plastic villa. The villa with the plastic!

And spears that come out of the wall!

And Chinese assassins!

Carnivorous fish! Look at my shoe!

What should we do?

Maybe Bill was right.

Red alert! Prepare all agents. Go!

I hope to God for your sakes that you're right.

Hallo? Road block seven here, Military vehicles are on their way, should we open fire?

No, let them pass.

Plan four B.

SALVATION COLLEGE

Halt!

Just a moment! I'm in charge, I'll shout 'halt'!

Company, halt!

Careful!

Prepare to attack.

Is this the villa?

It looks like a college to me.


Excuse me. Take a break girls.

Good morning general. Good morning Mother Superior To what do we owe this honour? We'd like to visit the villa.

By all means.

From their clothes, I'd say these men are archeologists.

If they're interested in classic figures...

Not those figures. The ones up there.

One of the oldest buildings here, it's from the 11th century.

Are you here to enroll a niece perhaps? Well, you see...

Actually, we'd like to see your pool.

That's it! The pool with the...

The pyramid fish.

We love our little fishes.

It's not the season for swimming... so we keep goldfish in there. The girls love to feed them.

Yeah, with human flesh! Don't talk rubbish. Hush.

Enough of this piranha nonsense. Come over here, please.

He's one of them! Oh, stop it.

He's the only survivor from a Chinese convent. He was the gardener.

When the convent was destroyed, he survived for 6 months eating swans.

Would you get in the pool, dear? No! - Go on.

Why won't he get in the pool? Quiet. Behave!

Don't worry, I put the fish in the bath. Go on!

You see? Poor man.

Go on, get in.

Don't do it! Listen to me.

They'll eat him!

Be careful!

They're not eating him. They've become vegetarian.

I don't get it. Don't be ridiculous.

Pity the Nuremberg trials are over, I'd have you hanged.

Such a pity. Silly boys!

Perhaps you'd like to watch a gymnastics display by my girls.

They're very good!

Pass me the ball.

Excuse me.

What is it?

Everything alright, sir? Get everyone ready to leave.

False alarm. Yes, sir.

Something's not right. Definitely suspect.

Follow me, don't act suspicious. They mustn't suspect.

Very good.

I'm not fooled by this college scam.

If we don't find something, the boss is going to fire us.

What was that?

No noise!

Stop dancing! This isn't a wedding.


What's up? Come here.

What is it?

An opening - On the left? No, in mid-field!

Shall we look? Let's look.

A red light!

Let's take a look.

Watch it! You watch it!

Who's that? Someone in a hurry for a bath.

A dead China-man!

This place is a cemetery!

Oh, general, you're too kind.

Colonel! Who's that?

We've got proof! It's proved. Proven! Enough of this.

I'm not interested. Let's go. The fish! Don't go!

They're closing the gates.

They've closed them. They're coming towards us. Run!

Take them to the strongroom.

No-one's following us.

At least we got out of that horrible dark cell.

Stop pushing.

We gave them the slip.

Stop turning around Follow me, stay close.

Where are we?

We're moving like a mad crab.

Big scales, little scales, capsules, jars It's all mechanical. What is this?

I want to know what they're making in this college.

Let's see. Ciccio! What is it?

Look at all the lovely women!

What women, are you mad? They're beautiful, I can see them!

Come on. Follow me. Where to?

We have to get this rope off. Forget that, I want the girls!

We'll use this handle.

Rub against it. Stop it! - Wait!

Look!

Look, she's got green eyes. She's coming this way!

Command me, master A ham sandwich. - What?

Untie this rope.

Ciccio, there's more. Still more!

Where are they coming from? They're so beautiful.

It's like being in a doll factory. A supermarket.

Gather round girls. We're right here. Easy now.

We're two red-blooded Sicilians.

Finally, we're free. Right let's get out of here.

What? Are you mad?

I'm staying here to enjoy these natural splendors!

I'm going to marry the lot. Do you all know how to cook?

Yes! We can cook, knit and dance.

They even dance! We can't, we're on duty.

Duty? I'm on leave. Let's dance!

Would you look at all these women!

We're the luckiest men alive. Look!

It's incredible!

Just look at them!


What's going on here?

What is this? It's Goldfoot - I don't care!

Control yourselves! Stop this! Let's blend in.

The party pooper's here.

Even machines have bad days.


It's a trick! Spies in the lab! Emergency!

They've kidnapped Rosanna. There was a duplicate at her house.

Goldfoot was trying to blow me up.

Did you see her in there? I don't know a Rosanna.

And Ciccio? I don't know anyone called Ciccio.

I'm not going back in there! Go and call the police.

What are you talking about? I'm scared.

There's only two of us! Why risk it? I don't know anything.

Dear general Willis, you're the last one alive, for now.

Do you want to know why?

B-b-b-bec.. Because I need to study you in detail.

Every gesture and mannerism if I'm to make good use... of our physical similarity, so I can take your place.

W-W-what do you intend to do?

V-v-v... very simple. I'm taking your place as Air Force commander.

Y-y-you can't! R-r-release me at once!

You'll regret this! I'll h-h-have you shot like a d-dog!

Your command? I only clicked my fingers.

Your fingers speak. How may I serve you?

Your target is in here. Caged. Take care of him at once.

That's right. Good girl.

Only use half your explosive charge while were in here. Go ahead.

Oh Willis! But I'm a married man.


Command me, master.

Listen carefully. I order you to stay here.

Kill any living creature that enters.

Kill any living creature. I leave you to your fate.

Let's go.

Kill all living creatures.

A beetle!

I'm going. Come here.

I'm scared!

Quiet! I'm scared

The trap door is in the bathroom, right?

I'm going in. Watch my back. You're leaving me alone?

I'll raise the alarm!

Woodworm!

Ciccio! You escaped. Me too! Tapeworm.

What are you doing? Are you crazy? It's me, your little Franky!

Hug me!

You're breaking my ribs!

Killer! Traitor! How can you do this? I've known you for years.

We're brothers in arms.

Don't come any closer!

Kill all living creatures.

No! Put the bar down!

What are you doing in there?

Rosanna! - I'm Ciccio. I know, where's Rosanna?

What did they do? Are you frozen?

I'll defrost you.

Predatory male.

Look out!


Poor Ciccio.

Something must have driven him mad.

Don't worry, this is just a duplicate.

Where's Goldfoot? I heard him use the secret passage.

I think it's over there, near where I was locked up.

That's it! Come on.


You wanted to kill me! We'll see!

What's happening? I'll kill you like a dog.

What are you doing? Stop it!

Are you crazy? Want some more?

Listen! Goldfoot's escaped by car. We have to follow him.

There's no time to lose. Hurry up, let's go!

Back-stabber. I'll show you! Move it!

Here they come. Quickly!


Where can they have gone?

How did they get away?

I almost had them. Have you got a light?

They must be close by. They could be anywhere.

What do we do now?

Ciccio! It's them! Get them

Mr Tall Man! Have you seen anyone go by from up there?

Sorry. No speak Italian. From giant pigmy tribe.

Sorry to have bothered you. Let's go.

Quickly.

This way.

They didn't notice.

Hey you! Indecent behaviour I'd love to see their faces now.

You really want to? Of course.

Get off! Who's there? Let me out.

Please, wait! You can't park here. What are you two doing?

Where are you going? Come back!

Quickly, get in.

That's a no-parking zone! I'll show you.

You scoundrel, come here.

Let him go. Stupid fool.

Left hook, right hook.

He got away again. He left his cloak.

Here come our guys. Quickly - Pass her to me.

There they go. After them!

Come on, let's ride!

Give me a steed.

Take cover, they'll get you. I've got cover.

Get off. What next?

We'll get when they come round.

You again!

You can't park there!

We'll follow them with the express. Get on board!

Stop!

They've gone.

We've arrived. Oh, thanks.

There they are!

Run!

No parking!


Move your car!

They took the car!

Let's get in there, we'll see where they're going.

I've got you this time. Come on then!

Run away! You cowards.

Roll up folks! Take trip in the balloon.

Just a moment, pay up. Quick, get in.

Move your car!

You're not getting away!

Stop right there. It's full.

What are you doing?

There they are! The car's leaving.

You cheating scoundrels! Who's that?

Murderers! Swine! It's still him.

Do you have any scissors? Sure.

Here.

Alone at last.

Idiot! What have you done?

I cut the rope. I noticed. Now what do we do?

We can play cards. We have to find Goldfoot.

How are we supposed to steer? My cards! How could you?

How do we control this thing? Have you got a fan?

Hands off!

As if that's going to help. Which way? Over there?

And we're off!

Please fasten your safety belts.

"See you again, my Roman friends".

Oh, stop it.

There! He's already taking off.

He's done it.

Quick, let's follow them. Turn the fan around. Faster!

Faster!

We've run out of juice! How will we catch them now.

I know a short cut. Turn right, then left at the crossroads.

He knows a short cut.

Are you sure? We might hit a typhoon.

I don't care, I've had my jabs. Idiot! It's not a disease.

So what is it? It's an Asian curry.

Bad weather's all we need. The barometer was wrong.

We forgot to tap it!

Look.

A pigeon. What's he doing here?

Shoo! Get lost, you stow away.

Leave him be, he's a carrier pigeon. How can you tell?

Look, he's carrying a bag. Where? Oh yes.

Can we get you anything?

Poor little thing.

The death of an innocent pigeon!

We're losing height. We have to drop ballast.

Quick.

No time to waste.

Throw out anything we don't need. No, just the useless stuff.

So what are you? Useful?

We're flying!

Look, the Chinese Wall! The Iron Curtain. Those are the Urals.

You again!

Look who it is! You bastards. This isn't over!

In a balloon! Against the traffic!

Stay here! Forever! It's what you deserve.

I'll be waiting for you. You'll be seeing me again soon.

After this cloud, there's a bend. We'll wait for Goldfoot there.

How do you know all this? Oh, it's nothing!

Stop!

Look! There's the plane.

Duck. Right, let's open the valves.

Who is it?

Friends. Friends, that's nice!

Just a moment.

Quick!

Quickly!

Get off me will you?

I'm a contortionist.

Let go of my foot! Help.

Somebody help me!

That should do it.

Here I am.


It's not working. Allow me.

My eyes! I can't see! Don't worry, I'll help you.

This way please. Bye! Where's the step!

Guess how the Chinese man died?

Don't spoil the ending for me. Where's the fun in that?


Farewell, my friends, farewell. I have to leave.

I've taken care of everything. The autopilot's on.

In precisely 16 minutes, the H bomb on board will hit the Kremlin.

My plan will have its happy ending, as I knew it would.

No-one beats Goldfoot!

Hardjob, where are you?

Here I am! Dearest.

You're not Mary Poppins, but you'll do. Come on.

Let go of me.

Blast!

A ghost!

We're safe, they've gone. The hell we are.

The controls are locked, in a few seconds, the bomb will hit Moscow.

So? We're insured.

Benson calling Willis, do you read me?

I'm told you're flying over Russia, have you gone mad?

Respond at once.

Benson, it's me. Who's me?

It's Bill Dexter. You again!

Your agents are with me. They've done a great job.

Do you want to speak to them?

If I hear from them, I'll have another heart attack.

Where is general Willis? Goldfoot killed him to take his place.

We've dealt with him. Good, but you must turn around.

We can't, the controls are locked.

In eight minutes, the H bomb will hit the Kremlin.

This is terrible. You're telling me!

Right, I'm sending fighter planes to shoot you down.

Are you mad? What about the bomb?

True. Use my two agents. That's us.

There are instructions near the bomb.

Make sure you put on protective suits before you begin.

Okay guys, it's all up to you now.

There's the bomb, get down there.

Why are we wearing these suits? To protect you from fallout.

Are we going to fall? I'm scared! Haven't you heard of Uranium?

Of course. It's what the English use in salad dressings.

No, it's a powder used in fireworks. Get on with it. Pass me the manual.

Okay, okay! Here you are.

If your bomb explodes accidentally within it's first year, Hydrogen Ltd will be happy to provide you with a replacement.

Here, you read it.

Have you completed the registration? Is this bomb rented?

Open panel HK carefully.


Can we go now?

Slowly turn rheostat B from seven to zero.

Which one is it? - Don't touch! Okay, okay!

I wish you'd gone to university. I never had the time.

Be careful. We can't afford mistakes, the bomb will drop in two minutes. Relax! We get it.

Are you sure that's right? Stop distracting me.

Carefully extract the silver contact... next to rheostat B. Do not allow it... to touch the red or green wires.

Don't let the thingy touch the colours.

Be extra careful. It's at this point the bomb is almost certain to go off.

There! The bomb's disarmed! We're safe!

Wait! Wait for us!

Mummy!

Hold tight!

What are you doing? Don't leave me!

I couldn't live without you!

We're upside down. Don't move an inch!

I'm not enjoying this at all. I have to get a grip.

Hold my hand tight!

We're going down!

Hallo, Benson? The bomb dropped, but it didn't go off.

Well done, Bill. Your agents gave their lives.

They sacrificed themselves for all mankind.

How do we get back? The controls don't work.

Didn't you know the world is round?

Keep going, you'll get back to your point of origin. Relax!

Thanks, Benson!

Bless you. Thanks.

Where are we? How should I know?

It's freezing here. Forty degrees in the shade.

I can hear Russian.

How can you tell? I had a friend from France.

Look! Who are they?

Comrades!

Bless you.

Greet them, like this. Comrades, it's us!

We saved the whole world!

The Kremlin too. There's two?

From the H bomb! Oh, that.

Let go!

You don't know who I am. This is Ciccio. - Thanks.

I have relatives in high places.

In 1947, my cousin was a member of parliament.

I've always said Bill Dexter was a gifted young man.

We'll have to make him a secret agent with honors.

Cheers!

The President.

Everything's in order, Mr President. It all went well.

The H bomb didn't explode. In fact, it's buried in the snow.

There will be no more mention of this incident.

If the Russians learn that any old criminal can hi-jack a plane, and drop bombs on the Kremlin at will... the diplomatic implications would be endless. Is that clear?

Of course. I understand, but...

I've nominated our agents for the highest awards.

You see... Cancel all that.

Do you think this is the time for publicity?

No of course not Mr President. So this operation never happened!

We're innocent! We saved your lives.

It's true! We've nothing against you. I swear on my friend's life!

Please forgive. I believe you say truth.

Please, take seat. Have food.

Please, sit. Eat!

Salmon, caviar, bread, carrots, vodka.

Green salad. What, no Russian salad?

Never mind.

Excuse me.

The Germans!

Cheers!

This is colonel Benson.

My dear captain, the two men I mentioned are both impostors.

Is that so? Right. Arrest them immediately.

They're a threat to international relations.

It's our boss. I recognise his voice. He's inside the phone.

Perhaps they're arranging a celebration.

In Moscow. No, it'll be Washington.

Moscow. Washington.

Excuse me, will our award ceremony be in Washington or Moscow?

Siberia!

I'm dying of cold!

Mr Russia. Can we have July, please?

"I hate the summer".

What are you up to? I'm cold.

It's not a radiator. Just a little heat.

I need it for the spaghetti. You only ever think about food.

What if I die of cold? Get out of my kitchen.

What are you doing? It's stuffy, I need fresh air.

What air?

Close it, there's a draft!

Lunatic! Are you trying to kill me? Don't exaggerate! Go on.

Just a bit of heat.

What's the current here? 125 watts.

Hey, we've got a visitor.

Good day, gentlemen.

What are you cooking? Spaghetti, Italian style.

We invented spaghetti, but here it's pronounced 'spaghyetti'.

If you let me taste them, I could use my influence... to get you into the Russian secret service, the OGPU.

Sure! Go ahead

Please, come in.

Excuse me.

Pardon me, have we met already?

No, I've never been here before. You're sure they'll be good?

Good? They'll be perfect! Observe.

Close the lid! Close it, I'm freezing!

Close it! The film is finished! Close it!