Drive Me Crazy (1999) Script

Oh, man.

I am so wired. More so than usual?

Way more.

I made a model of centennial last night complete with guests.

I stayed up all night.

I've got the entire thing planned out, every detail. you didn't sleep? you should have slept.

I'm a freak, aren't I?

No, you're just very... focused.

Exactly. So what do you think of my mom's red halter?

For your interview today? It's a little slutty.

Let me rephrase. What do you think Brad'll think of my mom's red halter?

I think Brad has better taste than that.

Really? Okay, see you in a minute.

Got milk?

Thanks a lot. you're a lifesaver.

You're welcome. Sorry about that.

It's goat's milk. Uh-huh.

Dad, bring the milk home.

Come on, Dad. Come on.

Dad, can I take the milk off your hands?

Good morning, Chase. Good morning, Mrs. Maris.

Mom, can I borrow your red halter?


Would you look at that?

They'll be away at college next year.

Time flies.

Seems like only yesterday they were practically living together in that old tree house.

Dad, milk. Mom.

Seriously, you two used to do everything together.

What happened?

Junior high happened.

Hey! Whoo!

Hi. How you doing?

• If you told me to •

• Well, I'd do anything •

• And if I ever touched you... •

• I'd die •

• Oh, I could have said •

• I wanted you or told you something true •

• If I really wanted you •

• I'd lie •

• And I told you everything's well •

• Yeah, I know just what I'd say... • Hi! • your Firebird is most amazing •

• Turbo whoa-oh •

• Teen •

• Now she's at it again •

• I see her every weekend •

• Wish I had a dime for every time •

• Oh, I •

• Coca-Cola with a cigarette •

• On a patio with her hair still wet •

• She's the girl with the rocking horse •

• On her blinds •

• Oh, I know her •

• Every time •

• Yeah, I know just what I'd say •

• your Firebird is most amazing •

• Turbo whoa-oh •

• Teen •

• But I won't mean it. •

Wake up, Time Zone High.

Morning, Tom. Morning, Sue.

Our top story: centennial. Only two months to go.

And as the 100th anniversary of TZH approaches, excitement mounts. That's right, Sue.

And here to take that excitement up a notch is a "Wake Up, Time Zone" special:

Centennial... your 100-year event.

In only six weeks, it will be exactly 100 years since Timothy Zonin founded Timothy Zonin High.

And both students and alumni alike are preparing an unforgettable Centennial Week.

Centennial Committee spokesperson Nicole Maris expects a huge cro Our centennial bash is the culmination of a weeklong series of events.

It's gonna be the greatest night of our lives.

Something this big only comes along once every hundred years.

We're making the most of it so you can make the most of it.

So, where are we on the senior class skit?

Are we doing the sculpture idea? Yes, it's a good idea.

Nicole, how's the rest of the budget looking?

$16,372... Good, we'll need it.

Rupert and I are working on a deal for a jumbo screen.

It's sick. Are parents invited or only alumni?

Both. Tradition. Everyone's invited.

Why are we doing this again?

As a protest. Of what?

People, right? Sheep.

Check, Dave. We're doing this to protest sheep.

And what specifically about sheep do we object to?

Chase. General herding mentality.

Man, look at 'em down there. yeah, drink your mochaccinos.

Sing along to Céline Dion.


• And just outside I can hear the sounds •

• Of the early morning street... • What's going on?!

• And the hum of the engines •

• Of the cars on the street •

• yeah, on the street •

• And just outside I can see my breath •

• In between the words... • Aw.

• That fogs my spinning head •

• This is the •

• This is the same old story of growing up and getting lost •

• This is the same old story of growing up •

• And getting lost. •

Sprinklers. you guys.


Us guys. you got it.

Sprinklers. Exactly.

Us guys. That's right.



I'm dead.

Not you, Ednasi. These two recidivists.

Come on. Sprinklers with orange water.

If anything's to blame, it's school spirit.

He's right. School spirit... there's your culprit. you, remove the shades, stand up. you, too, Chase. Me?

I need a comparison.

I always forget.

Are the pupils supposed to be smaller or bigger?

Well, that all depends.

Am I free to go?

• Lift me up... •

• And pull me closer... •

I think that you really got through to them today.

When the orange water hit the Centennial Committee table, I almost cried, I was laughing so hard.

But you never laugh.

Well, it was on the inside.

• She's the one •

• Who lives the fire •

• See a side •

• you'll never know •

• I need someone to be around •

• 'Cause I'm breaking into lies. • Hey, Brad. Nicole, what's up?

What are you doing?

Just waiting for my dad. Our monthly meeting. you know, to keep in touch every fourth Friday, 4:00.

At least that's the plan. Oh, that's cool. you were really good on TV today, talking about centennial and all.


Well, it's a lot of work, but it's worth it.

Hmm. Hey, um... do you wanna go to, uh... down to Shoe World with me?

Shoe World, oh.

I can't. My dad.

But he's always late. you wanna help me finish these fries?

I'd better not get in the way.

I gotta pick up some new kicks for the game tonight.

Okay. Well, I'll see you there. you're coming! Right on.

It's a time-out for the Tigers!

Why hasn't he asked me yet?

Well, there is one other option for Bradley's centennial date. you said the whole provincial event barely registers on your radar, that you'd be happy to go with toast.

I said Brad has all the appeal of toast.

There's a difference. Come on, look at him. yeah?

All I'm saying is that there's a process.

Sure, it's not written down, but I have given all the appropriate signs, and Brad knows the rules.

Look, it's Designated Dave.

Alicia, I've got a message from Brad.

Can I talk to you for a second in private?

The fact of the matter is that the Chinese government is so afraid of the Dalai Lama, they actually outlawed his likeness.

So, Ray, when are you gonna take over "Wake Up, Time Zone" and get some real moves on?

It's all that school spirit bullshit propaganda.

Excitement mounts as centennial nears.

Ray is a plotter.

Mm-hmm. Watch. you'll see.

One day we're gonna look up in homeroom and "Wake Up, Time Zone" will be... Vivisection.

...completely revolutionized. Hi, I'm Joshua Hill, from the university's chapter of ALF.

That's Animal Liberation Front. Alf?

I think when you see what I'm about to show you what's going on in our laboratories right here on campus, you'll understand why we're taking just a few minutes of your time.


"Biomedical research"... that's the two-word excuse... you ready to go, go, go? Chase, I wanna see this.

When asked about the abuses taking place in the laboratory...

Defense! Defense! Defense!

Seldon appears to be okay, but it's a time-out for the Tigers.

I hope he's not hurt. yeah, me, too.

I'm thrilled to report Brad's exercised the next element of protocol.

Dave was an emissary?

He asked me if I thought if Brad asked you to share the evening and if you'd say yes.

And? And so I told him to tell Brad that you said that a real man works without a net. you what? Relax. He's all yours.

Scheming socialite snags dream date.

• Buy a ticket •

• Forget the change... • Chase, do you have to get so close?

Closer is louder! That's my point!

Mine, too. We can't talk up there.

We talked in the car.

Is something in particular on your mind?

I just don't see why you won't come with us tomorrow night.

To ALF? Come on, it's right up your alley.

I told you already. I'm not interested. Drop it.

Look, you go, okay? Knock yourself out.

I don't get you.

I mean, you spend half your life in detention protesting Hanson or the constipated hitter... Designated hitter.


But when it comes to something really important...


You think you're so James Dean, Chase.

But all this so-called rebellion... it's a joke.

We're breaking up, aren't we?

I just think that we're headed in different directions.

That's all.

• your big day •

• your big day. •

Are you stoned?

Are you serious?

It's 9:00 p.m. yeah, so it is. you didn't get out of bed all day.

Then wouldn't the correct question be, "Son, are you ill?"

Are you? No.

Are you stoned? you could tell me, you know. I'd be cool. yeah, I know you'd be cool.

And what is that supposed to mean?

It means I've read your yearbook.

"Onward through the fog. Light up and party.

Have sex, be free, we're the class of '73."

Are you stoned?

Dad, until you come in here and see a black light and felt Led Zeppelin poster, rest easy.



Mr. Hammond. yo, rise and shine. We've got dates.


• But I enjoy making some noise, fooling around •

• I listen to the sound •

• You and I get and everything's set •

• Be sure you know how to have a real good time... • What are you doing?

If security asks, just come over here and do your job.

Nicole, I'm afraid I've got some news. yeah?

Adonis jock falls hard for rival spirit head.


The cheerleader from Apex, the one he landed on last week in the game.

The slut who pretended she couldn't get out of his way?

That's the one. He loves her.

Tsk. Love. Like I care.

Wait a minute.

Who's he taking to our school centennial?

That would be her.

• Be sure you know how to have a real good time. •

What are we doing?

I don't know. She swore she'd be here with friends, you know, for safety.

She swore? Who is this chick?

Daughter Judy. Maybe she had to walk Astro.

Daughter Judy's her screen name.

We've been emailing each other. She's way into space.

Cyber girls are hot. Oh, yeah.

I've never kissed another girl.

I've never kissed Chase Hammond at the Skate Palace in sixth grade.

Chase Hammond? I never did it with anything requiring batteries.


All right, that's enough.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Gotta go. What? Wait, wait.

I thought you weren't gonna do that "safe ride" shit this year.

Dude, colleges look at extracurricular activities, man.

Dave, you're in. That's not why you do it.

Oh, yeah? Then why? you wanna know why?

It's the same reason you're the manager of the basketball team... you wanna be one of them.

Who is this "them"? People too drunk to drive? you're with your two best friends waiting for girls, one of them quite possibly Princess Leia, and you wanna leave so that some jock will pat you on the head.

I'm going.

You should know that half the party now believes you have a part-time job at a gentlemen's cabaret.

Like it matters. Drive me home. you gotta be kidding.

Puke on my leather interior? I got your ride taken care of.

This way. Prince Charming is a dick.

Bring on the frogs.


you called for a safe ride?

Okay, watch your head.

I learned that on "Cops." you know where she lives?

Oh, I think I can find it.

Yo, Designated Dave, you got room for one more, man?


Hey, perhaps we could get you some fries with that.

Yeah. Fries, a Coke and...

What about a milk shake?

Get yourself a Happy Meal.

Girl gets two-faced boy in back seat.

Violence anticipated.

There are rules, you know?

Rules? Rules.

What rules? Seniors rule! you don't send Designated Dave to ask if I'll go with you if you don't plan on following through with the offer.

I was going to. I was going to.

It's just that...

He just... Shut up!

I don't know. I... I fell in love.

So I heard.

High school love is for saps, Brad, or haven't you heard?

Now I'm left alone with the embarrassment and alienation of having to go stag to one of the biggest nights of our lives?

Not very likely. I might as well skip it.

Turn that thing off or I'm gonna go Sean young on your ass!

I think she means Sean Penn.

That's good. Sean young scares me.

Yuck it up, clowns. yeah, if you enjoy my humiliation, Monday at Time Zone should be a real "hootenin."

It's hootenanny.

I'm sorry. Look, I...

Hey, can you just drop me off here?

But we're still a couple blocks away from your house. you heard the man.

Okay, bye, meng. Vaya con dios.

Later, Chase. Nicole, wait.

If your mom's awake, she's gonna see right through that Dean Martin impression.

I'll sneak you through the back.


Her car's not here.

She's not home.

Okay, bye.

• yeah, yeah, yeah •

• Ooh, when I wake up •

• And open my eyes •

• I try my best •

• To make the time... • Moron.

One eyebrow. Taking Georgia Ann Warner.

Failed health. Taking Sue.

Taking Dee Vine.

• Sweet memory •

• In a picture of you, all my memories •

• Someday a story... • Refers to himself as the de-virginator.

• In a picture of you •

• And a picture of me •

• Ooh-ooh, yeah •

• I try, but I still see your face •

• Hammering on the screen... •

Give it up, bonehead.

Princess Leia ain't coming.

Take me to centennial, Chase.


How'd you get this number? I remembered it.

Take me?

You're drunk. I'm desperate.

Oh, well, when you put it that way. you're not offended, so don't pretend to be.

My guess... you're intrigued.

I am? Word's out, Dulcie dropped you.

Yeah, well... Well, you have a tiny idea how I feel.

Look, I know you probably don't give a damn about the centennial or me, and that's fine, but starting Monday, I'm gonna be treated like the biggest loser ever at Time Zone.

The same girls dishing out fake sympathy will be laughing behind my back.

Some of them will try to set me up out of pity, but I'll know every time I walk in a room and it gets suddenly quiet, they were just talking about my monumental failure.

We can save each other from disgrace.

Each other? What's in it for me?

If you have to ask, you're not as smart as you think you are.

you need to sleep on it, get back to me.

Hey, it's Dulcie.

If you want me to get back to you, leave three ways that high school sucks.

There's the rampant homophobia, no pep rallies for the debate team, which leads to the greater issue, I'm sure, of the highly fascist nature of pep rallies in general, speeches, saluting banners.

I think you see where I'm going with this.

And finally, it sucks because when you break up with someone, you can't escape them, and it kills you to see them every day.

Dulcie, call me tonight.

I don't care what time...

Let's agree on an easy-out clause.


We can't do this halfway. you know, if we expect people to buy it, it's gotta feel real through and through.

That makes sense.

If you really wanna get Dulcie back, it's gonna require some severe measures.

Define "severe."

To start, you can't wear anything you own.

Probably not.

Not and... we need to clean you up.

How up are we talking about?

Listen, Chase, to make an impact, you have to go to extremes.

Let's do it.

Nice hat.

• Here we go •

• Something tells me that I've been here before... • Come on!

• Even though I might be dreaming •

• I don't care, I want more... • Hi, welcome to the Gap.

• But I don't know •

• What's happening, please •

• Is this really happening to me? •

• Is this really happening to me? •

• Is this really happening to me? •

• Is this really happening to me? • Nicole? Oh, hey, Ray.

Hey. Look, I just want you to know that I know you're screwed.

About the dance, I mean.

And, um, well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that if it comes down to panic time and you still don't have a date, and you're, like, really desperate, well, I'd take you.

I'd be honored.

Oh, that's sweet, Ray, but, well, when Chase and I got out of the car the other night, we kind of decided we'd go together.

Chase? My Chase?

I got it.

Hey, this is funnier than you dressing up for last year's Junior Miss Pageant, man.

Ray. Hey, Nicole.

So I'm glad to see you're out of your doldrums.

That hair, guy, is just...

Hey, so, Nicole, remember what I said.

I'm serious. If you want.

Well, this is real convincing. I'm a walking punch line.

But who gets the last laugh? See you after school, hon.

Shit. Hurry, Dave. I promised Ray we'd take him to work.

Are you going to explain this to me?

Explain what? This. What are you trying to pull?

Nothing. It's a big-ass mistake.

I thought it would make Dulcie come back.

Seriously? How?

Can you think of anything that would make Dulcie freak out more than me with "Miss School Spirit" Nicole Maris?

He still thinks I'm joking. So what are you doing? you know, to make an impact, you have to go to extremes.

Did I just hear something about extremes?

It's real extreme, all right.

Why'd you do it?

Time for a change.

It's not you.

Who knows who I am?

I do.

Don't let Nicole Maris change you.

I'll be all right. yeah.

Dave, do you mind stopping off at the mall?

I wanna pick up a Swatch.

Nicole, can you come in here, honey?

So, what are we burning today?

Fields of Jasmine for improved circulation?

Strawberry Explosion for brain power? your dad called. Why?

He said that he'll meet you at 12:00 noon on Sunday at Jefferson Park.

He promised he'd show up this time.

So get out there and support the Tigers on their march to a state championship.

Look, we're going to that. A basketball game?

That wasn't part of the arrangement.

A necessary evil, Chase.

We have to look chummy, remember?

And the benefit of that?

We're in this together.

From my point of view, it's okay to look like I'm going to the dance with a friend.

It's not okay to look like I paid a guy to take me.

I could be getting paid?


So, how does it compare?

To what?

Protests, clove cigarettes, bongos... whatever it is you beatniks do. We prefer "disaffected youth."

Okay, so...

More pep.

The monopoly on pep is definitely held by Time Zone's status whores.

We prefer socially non-retarded.

Go! Fight! Win!

Whoo! I'm gonna get something to drink.

Do you want anything? No, but thanks.

Pellegrino. With a twist. All right.

All right, spill. Spill what?

It's cute and all making nice with your neighbor, but you're taking it way above and beyond.

Above and beyond what?

The boy cleans up nicely. Pretty shocking, huh?

Maybe. Or maybe you haven't given up.

Given up? A perfect night with a dream date.

Brad? Over it.

So, this Chase Hammond thing... he's just this good friend we never knew you had?


Who knows? Maybe more.

How can you be against the designated hitter?

Do you wanna see Cecil Fielder gunning for his 120th RBI or some fast-ass relief pitcher swinging at air?

I think Fielder is a perfect example... a past-his-prime power hitter in the twilight of his career using up a roster spot. you know what? Someday that's gonna be Griffey.

And I would rather see Junior at 40 than some Jim Bob who made it to the show because of an expansion.

That's very nostalgic, but it comes down to one simple issue... purity of the game. Exactly.

I've been trying to tell you that, man.

If you can't hack it, get out of the game, right? Huh?

Go! Fight! Win!

Go! Fight...

Defense! Defense! Defense!

One more eye, ref, you'd be a Cyclops!

Go Tigers!

Whoo! Pass!

And it's good! Tigers take it 70-68.

Masterful. What? you really had me going in there. "Go! Fight! Win!"

I about choked. I bow down to the king of scams.

I'd like to thank the Academy. Thank you. Thank you.

Think you could stand anymore? Well, what did you have in mind?

Cruising Broad Street.

I thought you had to have a letterjacket for that.

That's just to nail cheerleaders.

Don't worry. you'll fit right in.

Bad-ass ride, Chase. yeah, every time Halley's Comet flies, my dad lets me take it out of the garage.

I had to leave a spleen on deposit.

Well, if Alicia sees it, she's gonna wanna jump you. yeah, what's the deal with that chick?

Word on the street, she sleeps in a casket.

"Word on the street"? Yeah, the chick's evil.

Evil's a bit strong.

Limited bullshit tolerance is more like it, but you're a guy. you wouldn't understand.

Time Zone... 70, losers... 68.


Honk your horn, Hambone!

Honk, Chase.

Whoo! Go Tigers!

I wouldn't understand what?

Well, when guys compete, it's overt. you know, ringing a bell with a sledgehammer or loogie chucking, the size of your engine, whatever. yeah?

Well, when girls compete, it's art.

And Alicia, she's an artist.

• But it's the only thing •

• I wanna do... • This is the good part.

• I don't wanna sleep... • Come on, you know you like it.

• I just wanna keep on loving you... • No, bad.

• Baby, I'm gonna keep on •

• Loving you... • Come on. Come on.

• 'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do •

• I don't wanna sleep •

• I just wanna keep on loving you. •


Psst, Nicole.

Are you and Chase Hammond a couple?

I saw you cruising together.

He's my next-door neighbor.

Okay, so he's not your boyfriend or anything, right?

Mr. Maris.

That hurts, baby.

Tell me about it.

Come for a ride with me.

So, any special boy these days? Not likely.

I have some pretty serious trust issues when it comes to the male sex.

I wonder where it comes from.

I want you to have this. This might explain me better than I can.

"Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"?

This is supposed to explain why you're never around?

Wow! Must be a hell of a book.

First two weeks of November I am going to a huge ballooning festival in Rio.

I want you to come.

This is the trip of a lifetime. What do you say?

Oh, there's this little centennial thing I'm kind of involved in, but, well, you wouldn't know anything about it.

yeah, 14 times.

Hey, Nicole? Yeah.

Hi. I'm... I'm... you're in charge of bands for the centennial, right?

I am.

• See that boy, he looks so fine •

• But he's got a girlfriend, my, oh, my •

• Go, go, go! • What's this? It's the Electrocutes.

It's the best band in town. Stylish.

Thanks. you made this? yeah.

So, how do you like the band?

They rock, but I doubt they're up on their Brandy.

Brandy? There's a sister with edge.

That's the direction the committee's going, Ray... quality with mass appeal.

Can you say oxymoron?

My brothers!

Oh, look, Dave. It's Ken doll. yeah, aren't you losing reputation points just being this close to us?

Hey, guys, I'm pulling off the biggest scam of all time, and I'm catching shit?

Don't you see? I've entered into their world.

Ooh, did you leave bread crumbs?

Glow in the dark.

Hey, Electrocutes tonight at the Pit. yeah, I'll be there. Wait.

I told Nicole that... yeah, it's a scam, all right, but who's scamming who? Whom.

Whatever, man. Think about it, Chase. you have all the duties of a girlfriend and none of the perks.

You're not getting any perks, are you?

Hey, Hambone, you're coming tonight, right, man?

Oh, yeah, we'll be there. All right, man!

Hambone? He really has entered their world.

14 times!

No, seriously, who would you rather do, Agent Scully or Gillian Anderson?

They're the same person, brainiac.

Eddie, please.


Flakey, self-absorbed, neurotic actress type or gun-toting, badass FBI agent with years of pent-up sexual frustration?

Not even close. My man.

What I wouldn't do to Scully.

I'm sure she's been drooled on before.


Order number nine is up.

Number nine. Number nine.

Can you believe that the assistant manager of our basketball team actually has his own "X-Files" website?

And he invited me over to his house to check it out.

His name's Dave.


Oh, you know, man. Designated Dave.

You know, the safe ride guy, right?

No, it's not Designated Dave. It's plain Dave.

No "designated." Just Dave.

All right, plain Dave it is.

Chase, I left my bag in the car.

Help me find it?

So, what was that about, huh?

Dave probably saved half their lives, and they're making fun of him.

Typical. Typical of what?

Is this more "us/them" rhetoric?

Well, if the tiara fits... Come on, Chase.

Can you honestly tell me you've never made fun of those people over there?

No, that's different.

How? Think about it.

We laugh when it's the boss or the debutante who slipped on a banana peel, not Tiny Tim.

Oh, so you're calling Dave "Tiny Tim"?

Don't do that. It's okay for you to put him down.

I don't need this, not from you. you're better than this.

What makes you say that?

Fifth grade... the first year the teachers start making us write Valentines to each other. yeah. Dave got one card.

"I'm bananas about you. Love, Nicole."

How do you remember that?

I just do. I'm out of here. Don't.

Look, if you leave mad, it sets us back.

It doesn't set me back. Don't know how I got myself into this.

So far, the payback's been minimal.

It's all about you... your friends and your turf.

My turf? Nicole.

Okay. you're right.

First, come back.

Be the charmer we both know you can be.

And then we'll go wherever you wanna go.

Wherever I want?

• I'm ready to rip it up, yeah •

• I'm ready to let it go •

• yeah, I gotta turn up the action •

• And get some rock and roll •

• Don't got no time to waste •

• I'm a rockin' mass ready to blow •

• 'Cause I'm gonna be chasing the night •

• So turn up the radio •

• 'Cause I'm gonna be out on the street •

• yeah, we're gonna be out all night •

• We're gonna be checking it out •

• All right, all right! •

• 'Cause I'm gonna be out of my mind •

• yeah, I'm gonna be out of my head... • Liz, Drena, you know Nicole. yeah, from the slumber party last weekend.

We painted each other's toenails. Look, why don't you girls just...

And then we played Truth or Dare, remember? you two admitted liking Alanis Morissette before the record went platinum.

I never liked Alan... You did, too.

So where's Dulcie? She'll probably be by later.

Did that hurt?

Not as much as this.

Nipple ring, cool.

Take your top off. Let's get a look at it.

Hey, Nicole.

Wanna dance?

• I gotta turn up the action •

• And get some rock and roll •

• Don't got no time to waste •

• I'm a rockin' mass ready to blow... • yeah!

• 'Cause I'm gonna be chasing the night •

• So turn up the radio •

• 'Cause I'm gonna be out on the street •

• yeah, we're gonna be out all night •

• We're gonna be checking it out •

• All right, all right! •

• 'Cause I'm gonna be out of my mind... •

Hey, Brad. Hey, Alicia. you know, Kathy really is a sweetie. yeah, she is. Thanks. you know, it's really cool that you say that.

I mean, it really is, 'cause a lot of the other girls have been complete bitches, you know?

'Cause of the whole Nicole thing.

They're just jealous. Besides, you're better off.


I thought that you and Nicole were, like, really good friends.

Best of, but everyone knows Nicole's a lot of talk and very little action. yeah, but a lot of girls are like that.

Not all girls.

• yeah, I'm gonna be out of my mind •

• yeah, I'm gonna be out of it •

• yeah, I'm gonna be out tonight. • Thank you.

Something to drink? Water.

Chase, I didn't expect to see you here.

I come here a lot.

Not lately.

Hey. There you go.

Chase, this is Joshua.

How you doing? Hey.

I didn't expect you to fall in love.

I didn't expect you to fall into the Gap.

• you better run, baby, run •

• Better move on in •

• Everybody gets out before they get in... • There you are.

• But you must get down •

• To the other side... • Oh, hey, Dulcie. Get a room.

Masterful. Huh?

I guess now I should bow down to the queen of scams.

• you better run, baby, run •

• Better move on in •

• Everybody gets out before they get in... • Got more email from Daughter Judy.

The same one who stood you up?

She said she was at the other Nyble flick.

We were at the wrong theater.

So when's the big hookup?

I don't know. I'm having second thoughts.

I don't think I could take it if she saw me and I saw this reaction on her face... you know, gross disappointment. Dave, it's not about looks.

Uh-huh, and that's what the Tooth Fairy was just saying.

Hey, I'm doing a student poll for the yearbook staff.

We are doing a student poll for the yearbook staff.

Cool. Shoot.

So what's your idea of a perfect date?

Date... series of activities, or date... person?

Person. Activities.

The person. All right.

She's the kind of girl who will call you on your bullshit.

She's not afraid to dance. She offers to pay.

She doesn't decide before a date whether she's gonna kiss you or not.

She's not completely earnest, yet she's not completely ironic, Four grand is a good deal for a jumbotron.

I'd rather take the overage out of decorations than entertainment.

We'll lose the smoke.

We got a Brandy-style cover band that is so right, but they cost.

Nicole, where are we budget-wise?

Anyone got a stun gun? Hello, Nicole? yeah.

How much money do we have left for decorations?

Oh, the info's in my locker. I'll figure it out later.

Okay, I'll go get it now.

What's up with Nicole?

I think she's in love. Well, they are a cute couple.

She orders dessert, and she can be ready in 10 minutes.


Well, we will have to change that "bullshit" to "bull."

Well, then use "pretensions."


Who are you?

So, what's this I hear about you and Chase Hammond?

What do you hear? you're an item. Item?

Mm-hmm. Where do you get your news?

Mothers and daughters should confide, honey.

We saw a band. We're going to a dance.

I don't think he's such a good idea, Nicole.

Why not? you're neighbors, for one thing.

And another thing is... Yeah?

...he's too tall for you.

Oh, Mom.

It'll be okay.

Do you like 'em? They're the latest. yeah, they're great. Thanks.

We're leaving early tomorrow. You need me to call you?

No, I'm fine. I'm not even tired.

Hey, you feel like a walk?

Some of us require beauty sleep, Chase.

I'll let you get that.

See you tomorrow.



You gotta see what I'm working on, guy.

Better yet, I'm offering you a chance to participate.

What is it?

My man, you've gotta see this to believe it.

I got the editing room reserved all day tomorrow.

I'm... I'm all booked.

Bread crumbs, mi amigo.


• I met you •

• Before the fall of Rome •

• And I beg you •

• To let me take you home •

• you were wrong, I was right •

• you said goodbye •

• I said good night... • Look at 'em down there, talking about us.

Saying what, Eddie? you know, "He's cute.

He's sweet. He's built."

He primps.

Eddie takes longer to get ready to go out than I do.

And he gets mad at me for making him wait?

But I do my share of waiting, too, all right.

Well, how long are you gonna make him wait?

The key to pleasing a woman is sweet talk.

"you're so beautiful."

"Have you lost weight?"

And then there are the three words that always seal the deal for me... "Another tequila shot?"

Come on, Nicole, we're bonding here. Dish, girl.

Chase Hammond... big hands, big feet, you know?

Hey, Bo. It's Dee.

Oh. yeah.

Sorry about that.

It never was Bo. Oh, really?

I thought it was always... When you're 40 pounds overweight and your last name's Vine, it doesn't take people long to land on a nickname. your parents named you "Dee Vine"?

No, Dee's a contraction. I changed it myself.

And no one said anything? you should go into politics.

After I dropped the weight, dyed my hair, got contacts, I just kind of giggle and say, "Oh, yeah, so and so started calling me Dee."

Just kept attributing it to whoever wasn't around and pretty soon, well, here I am.

Dee Vine. And now Miss Time Zone.

So, why share all this juiciness with me?

We're kindred, Hambone.

you think you're happier now?

I don't know. Do you?

Jury's still out.

It may have been a short list, but before I became what I am now, at least I knew who cared about me.

Really cared.

That's much better! Oh, oh!

Oh, boy, yeah!

Hey, Kathy.

Hey, Kathy! Have you been over to Brad's? yeah. It's nice.

Weird, huh? His family seems so normal. you'd never guess they belong to one of those doomsday cults.

Are you serious?

Nicole, better grab Captain Kangaroo.

I swear, I can't take him anywhere.

Hang loose, Hambone! 'Night! you know, I still have the letter you wrote me in seventh grade.

Burn it. you said... you said you hated me, and there was something in there about how the only way you'd ever touch me again was if you came down with leprosy. yeah, sorry about that.

Don't be. I deserved it.

I'm the one who should be sorry.

Chase, when your mom got sick... Please, Nicole, let's not do this.

I want to.

I've wanted to say this for five years now.

When your mom got sick, I couldn't bear to go over to your house.

It was too hard. I was too scared.

I just wanted to cry all the time every time I saw her, every time I saw you.

Even when we were together, you wouldn't say anything. you'd just sit there.

So, when you started wigging out in school, skipping, pulling the fire alarms, I just acted like I didn't know you.

Well, I'm over it now.

Well, 'night. yeah.

you forgot your towels.

Oh. Thanks.

'Night. Good night.

After our last lab assignment, Mr. Rope brought this to my attention.

It seems they found four during locker-by-locker searches.

Consequently, your lab partners will be chosen alphabetically from now on.

So, did you teach Chase to jump through fiery hoops yet?

Balance a ball on his nose?

I'm still working on matching socks.

You two make a very, very cute couple, but I guess you hear that all the time.

Why do you care?

I don't. you're welcome to him.

I used to think he had some...

I don't know... some social consciousness.

Is this the animal-testing thing? your concern is noted.

Do you know anything about his mother?

Only that she died when he was young... like 12 or something.

11. you know how?



Lab rats, medical research...

Think about it.

Hey, I finally downloaded the original "Space Invaders."

I'm talking quality 1981 graphics. We gotta play tonight, man. yeah, I don't know. I guess.

Let's see what Chase wants to do.

What's up, man? What's up, man?

I think he has to make an appearance at Brad Seldon's party tonight.

Oh, yeah. Of course, of course.

• Crazy... • So, this is the last pre-centennial event for us.

We're in the home stretch.

Hey, did you say something to Dulcie in lab?


I don't know. She's been freaky around me.

Nice, even.

Well, mission nearly accomplished then, huh?

I guess.

So, can I negotiate an entrance with hand holding?

• It's easy to see you drive me crazy •

• I just can't sleep •

• I'm so excited, I'm in too deep •

• Oh oh oh, crazy •

• But it feels all right •

• Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night •

• Sing it! Oh • • Crazy... •

Uh! Ha! yeah!

• you can't mess with skills. •

Hey, Nicole.

Oh, hey, Brad.

I was just waiting for the bathroom. Yeah, that's cool.

So where's Kitty? Kathy.

Right, Kathy. I haven't seen her here tonight.

She said we had different beliefs.

And that was it. Can you believe that?

I mean, I'm Lutheran.

So, it's like a fairy tale, right?

Huh? I mean, you and Nicole.

Falling in love with the girl next door.

Oh, yeah. Right.

Too bad.

What's too bad?

Well, you know, that you're taken.

I mean, who could have known that underneath all that rebellion there was a heartbreaker dying to get out?

Look at her in there.

Suddenly, Brad's on the market again, and she's back to plan "A."

Old crushes die hard.

I wonder, are you sure Nicole's the one?

Just think, if Brad hadn't fallen into that cheerleader's arms, Nicole would have gotten exactly what she wanted.

Maybe then I would have gotten what I wanted, too.

• Girl, your love is sweeter than I've ever had before •

• Each and every day, girl •

• Always leaves me wanting more •

• It's like sugar, sugar, it's like honey, honey •

• It's even better than money... • Remember that night you yelled at me in the car?

Vaguely. All that stuff that you said about love being for dopes? you were right.

Not in this lifetime, Romeo!

Nicole's my friend. Huh?




• But we are two worlds apart •

• Can't reach to your heart •

• When you say •

• I want it that way •

• Tell me why, ain't nothing but a heartache... • How could you do that?

I was testing him.

Frankly, I think I did you a favor. you weren't doing me a favor.

You're miserable, and you know what they say about misery loving company. you just didn't wanna see me happy.

Chill, drama queen.

Remember, it's not life and death.

Are you okay?

I don't know.

Oh, that's good. That's good.


Okay, let me really see the pain.

you called? yeah, I called.

I'm staying. Why?

I like to party.

I like to get down.

I got another note from Daughter Judy.

Yeah, she says she thinks I'm funny.


So, who all was at the party?



Jesus! What the hell, Dave?

Look, sorry, but everybody was not at the party.

I wasn't there. Ray wasn't there. you know, we used to be your friends if you can remember that far back.

You know what I remember, Dave?

I remember you cleaning out Eddie Lampell's locker because he said he'd be your friend. yeah, I did the guy a favor.

I remember you buying Alicia DeGasario at the student council auction last year and then letting her spend the whole day with her boyfriend.

Do you have a point? yeah, my point is, Dave, you're not mad at me; you're jealous.

What's wrong with wanting to be liked?

You want them to like you, Dave?

Tell them to go fuck themselves.

People like that need people like you, otherwise there's twice as much trash and no one to take it out. you're totally losing me.

Don't go, Dave.

There's sober people there.

They just don't wanna leave the party.

I can't not go.

This is close enough. I wanted to walk anyway.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Cut it out, Eddie. Stop. What?

No one's gonna know about it. Come on.

Sorry, Dave, I would have driven him home, but I can't drive his car.

It's a stick.

Well, I'll show you how to drive a stick right now.

Here it is. Come on.

I meant a real car, Eddie, not a Matchbox. yeah, well, kiss my ass, you once-fat bitch.

I remember when you were nothing.

Just a sweaty little egghead drooling over football players.

Now you think that because you're Mrs. Time Zone that your shit don't stink. Miss Time Zone. yeah, whatever. Shut up! you think you're Miss Thing, but you know what? you're just a wannabe who got lucky with a case of bulimia. you're walking. Hey, Dee, you all right?

I think so. Eddie, stop it!

What are you thinking, Designated Dave, huh?

This isn't "Revenge of the Nerds," man.

Stop it, Eddie, stop!

No radioactive spider bit you.


Get your ass up and drive me home.

And you...

Sorry. you wanna get out of here?

Can you bring me back to the party, please, Dave?

I need to talk to Sue. Okay.

Maya Angelou... "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings."

Really, you do? Chase, you're not listening.

Some parents wanna take it off the ninth grade reading list because they think that...


Why are telling me this?

I'm your past-tense quasi-boyfriend, not the American people.

Well, what I'm trying to say is that both the tense and title are negotiable.

Okay, 10 seconds.

Candy... we're not supposed to eat it in school, yet clubs sell everything from M&Ms to breath fresheners.

Today, our investigative report...

"Dollars and Certs."

The marching band couldn't march without it.

Cheerleaders couldn't cheer without it...

Nicole... about Friday night...

It's called an easy-out clause, Chase, 'cause it's supposed to be easy.

So that's it, huh? you need more closure than this?


Guess not.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

• I'm in with the in-crowd •

• I go where the in-crowd goes •

• I'm in with the in-crowd •

• And I know what the in-crowd loves... •

• Any time of the year •

• Don't you hear... • Go! Fight! Win!

• We cruise up and down the street... •

• We get respect from the people we meet... •

• Baby! •


Just give me the key!


Okay, we're on Wednesday at 8:00, Thursday at 8:00, Friday at 8:05.


Not so fast, Ray Neeley.

I want the guilty party brought to my office now! Right now!

Can I just tell you I heard from one of the office aides they gave Ray three weeks of in-school suspension.

They should have kicked his ass all the way out.

Have you ever talked to the guy? He is such a complete loser.

It just figures that he would do something like this. Stupid-ass.

Sue, he's gonna be winning MTV Awards while you're still the local weathergirl.

Well, I guess it's easy to be a bitch now that Brad Seldon's available again.

It's easy to be a bitch either way.

• If it's coming over you •

• Like it's coming over me... •

• I'm crashing like a tidal wave... •

• That drags me out to sea •

• And I wanna be with you •

• And you wanna be with me •

• I'm crashing like a tidal wave... •

• I don't wanna be •

• Stranded •

• Stranded, stranded, stranded •

• Stranded, stranded •

• Stranded, stranded... •

• Stranded, stranded •

• Stranded, stranded, stranded •

• Stranded, stranded •

• If it's coming over you like it's coming over me... • Hey. Hey, Brad.

• I'm crashing like a tidal wave... • Everything all right?

Uh, listen, so about the dance... what do you think?

• I'm crashing like a tidal wave •

• I don't wanna be •

• Stranded •

• Stranded, stranded, stranded •

• Stranded, stranded •

• Oh, baby, I miss you •

• Stranded, stranded •

• Oh, baby, I need you •

• Stranded, stranded. • Centennial weekend is here.

It's time you'll wanna share with a special someone because it truly is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

On behalf of the entire Centennial Dance Committee, we look forward to seeing you there in your formalwear.

That's a cut. All right, Ray, let's reset.

Is that all you need? yeah, that was great, thanks.

These will air all day tomorrow.

Hey, that sounded good.

It was bullshit.

"Share it with someone special." That's not reality.

I'm really sorry about Chase.

I should've known better.

My dad did it to my mom.

Eddie did it to you.

What's the point? you can't give up, Nicole.

Why not? I'm through with it... all of it. yeah, but didn't Brad finally ask you to centennial?

That's what you've been wanting all along, isn't it?

That's the twisted part.

I finally got what I wanted, but it doesn't matter anymore.

Dee, you're up next.

Cowabunga, dudes.

I'm thinking about college. you're accepted. What's left to worry about?

I'm thinking that maybe I should go to an East Coast school. you know, somewhere where no one knows me.

Someplace where I'm not Designated Dave.

Why don't you go to State as planned and let Designated Dave go off to Long Island Junior College?

Hey, guess who got asked to the centennial extravaganza?

Who's the lucky lady?

Daughter Judy.

Oh, virtually a date. Virtually?

She's gonna email me her address right before the dance.

Are you going?

Oh, he was going.

Oh, you mean the horribly freakish distorted version of your former self? yeah.

But now you're back.

Centennial weekend is here.

It's time you'll wanna share with a special someone because it truly is a once-in-a-lifetime event.

On behalf of the entire Centennial Dance Committee, we look forward to seeing you there in your formalwear.

Nicole, I'm leaving for the dance now. you almost ready?

Okay, here we go.


• you only go around once •

• On this big spinning planet of love •

• So don't be wasting my time •

• Telling me what you're dreaming of •

• We'll take a rocket to the moon and when we get that far •

• I'll hang your coat and hat upon a shooting star •

• So let's live it up, let's live it up •

• Let's live it up •

• Hang up the cat and put the dog out to dry •

• My, my, roll up the bird •

• Let the alligator wave bye-bye... • Nicole, this place is amazing.

I mean, you really pulled it off.

Thanks, Ray.

And thanks for coming through at the last minute.

Well, of course. you deserve to be here. It's the best. you know, and you look beautiful.

Come on, let's go spike the punch.

By the way, I like your hair.

Nicole, I'm honestly sorry about how things worked out.

I really thought Brad was gonna ask you.

He did, but I already had a date.

He was bummed, so I let him know you were easy.

• yesterday. •



Weren't you supposed to be in Rio?

No, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

For once.

Gotta start somewhere.

Ray, this is my dad.

Oh, yeah? Wow. It's good to meet you.

It's a pleasure, Ray.

Hey, you must be real proud of Nicole... her dreaming this up and putting it all together.


It's not bad, is it?

No, not bad at all.

Okay, have fun.

I'm going up to the balcony with the rest of the aged.

Dinner tomorrow night?

Pick me up at 7:00?

Okay. See ya.

And now...

And now, to officially get the party started, it's time for the dedication of the senior class centennial gift.

To share in the unveiling, I am proud to present our own Mr. and Miss Time Zone.

First up, Mr. Time Zone himself...

Mr. Brad Seldon... accompanied by Alicia DeGasario.

And now Miss Time Zone herself...

Miss Judy Vine, accompanied by her escort...


...Dave Ednasi.

Whoo! Dave! Whoo-hoo!

And now, a moment 100 years in the making.

Our senior class is proud to present...

Our centennial sculpture.

Ladies and gentlemen, Chase Hammond.

• See that boy, he looks so fine •

• But he's got a girlfriend, my, oh, my... • The Electrocutes! Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

They don't sound like Brandy.

That was pretty cool.

• Get rid of that girl •

• Get rid of that girl. •

I'm glad it was you at my door tonight.

Real glad.

Ray, I'm really having a good time.

Man, that makes this kind of tough to say.


Well, it's a far, far better thing I do than I have ever done.

Ray, it was all a scam. yeah. Well, it worked.

• you should have seen by the look in my eyes... • Dad, what are you doing here?

Dancing. What are you doing here?


Very good. • But you didn't listen •

• You played dead, but you never bled •

• Instead you laid still in the grass •

• All coiled up and hissing... •

I was gonna ask to cut in.

Where's Ray?

Gone. But you've got my permission.

I'm sure you can still catch him.

Actually, I was gonna ask to dance with you.


• And we're still together... •

• And I meant •

• Every word I said •

• When I said that I loved you... • So, who are we making jealous?

Everyone, Nicole.


• And I'm gonna keep on loving you •

• 'Cause it's the only thing I wanna do •

• I don't wanna sleep •

• I just wanna keep on loving you •

• I wanna keep on loving you •

• I wanna keep on loving you •

• I wanna keep on loving you. • I don't know that I've ever been walked to my door before.

Oh, well, I rented the limo.

I get to be the guy.

Oh, yeah? Mm-hmm.

So, I guess that makes me the girl, huh?


Well, Nicole, I...

I had a really lovely time.

Call me? yeah, whatever.


Oh, that must have been an interesting evening.



Oh. Oh.

Should we tell 'em? yeah.

We're moving in together. yeah.

Obviously, we all need to think about what this means.

Sure, well...

Tell you what... why don't you two think about it here and we'll go think about it in the tree house.

• Wig-wam-bam, gonna make you my ma'am •

• Wam-bam-bam, gonna get you if I can •

• Wig-wam-bam, wanna make you understand •

• Try a little touch, try a little too much •

• Just try a little wig-wam-bam •

• Whoa! Wig-wam-bam sham-a-lam •

• Wam-bam-wam sham-a-lam. •

• Crazy •

• Oh •

• Baby, I'm so into you •

• you got that something, what can I do? •

• Baby, you spin me around •

• Oh, the earth is moving •

• But I can't feel the ground •

• Every time you look at me •

• My heart is jumping, it's easy to see •

• you drive me crazy •

• I just can't sleep •

• I'm so excited, I'm in too deep •

• Oh oh oh, crazy •

• But it feels all right •

• Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night •

• Tell me you're so into me •

• That I'm the only one you will see •

• Tell me I'm not in the blue •

• Oh, that I'm not a-wasting •

• My feelings on you •

• Every time I look at you •

• My heart is jumping, what can I do? •

• you drive me crazy •

• I just can't sleep •

• I'm so excited, I'm in too deep •

• Oh oh oh, crazy •

• But it feels all right •

• Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night •

• Oh •

• Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah •

• you drive me crazy •

• Oh •

• Sing it • • Whoa oh oh, crazy •

• yeah! •

• yeah, yeah, yeah •

• Ooh-ooh •

• Stop! •

• Oh •

• Baby •

• Ooh ow, oh, yeah! •

• you drive me crazy, baby •

• Excited •

• I'm in too deep, oh oh oh •

• Oh, but it feels all right •

• Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night •

• you drive me crazy •

• I just can't sleep •

• I'm so excited, I'm in too deep •

• Oh oh oh, crazy •

• But it feels all right •

• Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night •

• Sing it • • Crazy •

• Oh •

• Oh • • Crazy •

• Ooh ow, oh yeah •

• you drive me crazy •

• But it feels all right •

• Baby, thinking of you keeps me up all night. • K-86 Rock block.

They're out of this world!

• For a meatier burger, come to Meteor Burger •

• Where the burgers are meatier... • If you want a burger that's thicker, juicier, or out of this world, come to Meteor Burger, located on the Timothy Zonin Parkway at Elm Boulevard.

Meteor Burger... home of the double thick Space Shake!

• For a meatier burger, come to Meteor Burger •

• Where the burgers are meatier. •

• Hail, hail, Timothy Zonin High School •

• Steadfast, true, and tried •

• Hail, hail, Timothy Zonin High School •

• Home of the Tigers pride •

• From the hallowed hills of Rudland •

• To a distant shore •

• Hail, hail, Timothy Zonin High School •

• Loyal evermore. •