Drop Dead Fred (1991) Script

"And the prince took the beautiful young girl in his arms and said, "Will you marry me?"

"Yes, she whispered, ď I will be your princess. "

Did they live happily ever after?

Of course, Elizabeth.

How do you know?

Because she was a good little girl.

If she had been naughty, the prince would have run away.

What a pile of shit.


Oh, Charlie.

Charles, this is really important to me.

I forgive you. OK?

I love you.

God, that hurts so much when I say it out loud.

OK, Lizzie.

Charles, our marriage...

No, this is really important to me.

Charles, this is really...

OK, Charles.

Charles...

Lizzie, shouldnít you be having lunch? This is important.

Let me finish. You agreed.

You did more than agree. It was your idea and you were right.

You were absolutely right. We canít go on.

Sooner or later one of us has got to do something positive for once in our life for both our sakes.

And you did it. I did?

Yes. Wait. When was it my idea?

The best thing is for me to go and live with Annabelle.

I donít think I said that. Yes.

I did? Annabelle? Is that her name? Yes.

Oh, God. I didnít know that.

All I know is what you did with her on our sofa. Lizzie, I'm sorry.

I couldnít help myself. I've been smitten by Annabelle.

Iíve been bewitched by her.

I have been pounded flat on the anvil of love like a piece of veal with a salad on top.

Excuse me. I test-drive this car?

This car looks great topless.

I think a car should represent its owner, donít you?

Charles, this is really important to me.

Letís not go through all this I-never-want-to-see-you-again stuff because we will want to see each other again.

Weíre not going to throw away two years, are we?

It was three years... in June.

Janie, thatís what he said. He said he wants...

He wants to move out and go live with Annabelle.

I know.

If I could just be alone with him.

Yes, itís hard to look on the bright side but...

Mm-hm.

Yes. Iíve got my car.

I guess I'll stay in the apartment but, Janie, I really want him back.

If I could just get him alone and talk to him.

Janie?

Janie, hold on. Hold on a second. I'm just gonna get some change.

Hey, thatís my car!

"Elizabeth!

"Donít spend any more money on Charles. Elizabeth, Iíll see you later anyway. "

Iím so sorry, Your Honour. I lost my money, my car, my husband.

All in one lunch hour?

Yeah. Hey, do what I did. Plead insanity.

Counsel, advise your client to keep his remarks to himself.

Sorry, Your Honour. May we finally proceed?

Just a moment. Could the court reporter approach the bench, please?

Iím sorry. So am I.

Youíre fired.


Thank you. Are you OK?

Mm-hm.

Lizzie?

Elizabeth Cronin? Yeah.

Iím Michael. Mickey. Iím Mickey Bunce.

Used to live down the street when we were little kids.

Mickey. Goodness. Yeah!

Itís been 20 years. At least.

Do you work here? No.

Neither do I. No. I had a divorce here.

Divorce? Yes.

Ah, I donít like that word.

Youíve got to work things through if you donít want to get divorced.

I gave it my best shot but weíve been separated two years now.

The good thing about it is I got to keep my daughter. Thatís Natalie.

Sheís real pretty. Sheís beautiful.

Sheís a lot to handle. Sheís a lot like you used to be.

Like me? Yeah.

What do you mean?

Donít you remember what you did to my grandmother?

I didnít do anything to her. You said the same thing then.

You said that Fred did it.

Drop Dead Fred.

Grandma Bunce!

Drop Dead Fred. I used to pretend I had an imaginary friend.

No one believed me.

Do you remember the time you and Fred came over to borrow my fatherís electric shaver?

Yes.

You must have thought I was crazy. Not at all.

I believed you. It was just that no one else could see him but you.

He was so real. He was real all right. Really out of control.

No, not always.

Only when my mother was...

Well, you know.

Hey, we were all a little afraid of your mother.

Not Fred. No, he always stood up for me.

Thatís what friends are for, even imaginary ones.

I realise youíre feeling pretty conflicted right now.

I feel awful.

I did this self-actualising workshop and they taught us that pain is your friend.

Pain makes you interesting. Janie.

Look at Elvis.

Yeah, but didnít Elvis kill himself?

Yes, but before that he was interesting.

I want you to do some affirmations with me.

Janie. Just do it.

Surround yourself with light.

Are you surrounded?

Yeah, I think so.

Repeat after me. I donít need a man to complete my life.

I donít need a man to complete my life. Iím perfect the way that I am.

Iím perfect the way that I am. I hate Charles.

I hate Charles.

Donít you feel better?

No.

I love him. I really do.

I feel basically itís all about choice.

Since youíve already chosen, what you may as well do is to choose what you chose.

I heard. Hello, Mother.

I came as soon as I heard. Itís a good thing I've got a key to this apartment.

Hello, Mrs Cronin. Sheíll be all right. She needs some nurturing. Give her a cuddle.

Cuddling is for teddy bears. Iíve packed your things. Youíre coming home with me.

Iím staying here tonight. Charles is coming here later.

I want to be here when he comes. Donít disagree with your mother.

Iím staying here tonight. Iím staying here tonight.

Now that weíre home, everything is perfect.

Donít step on that carpet. I had it shampooed. Yes, Mother.

Take your things upstairs.

I made up your bed. Oh.

Oh? Thatís all you say to me?

Thank you, Mother. Thatís a good girl.


Boo! Hello, snot face! Argh!

Yeugh! What happened to you? Look at you. Youíre all older. Youíre even uglier.

Ugh! Iím sorry I'm going to have to be sick all over you. Lie down. Hang on.

Whereís all the dolls? Drop Dead Fred.

Where is the dolls?

I want to play with the... Aha! The dolls.

Hello, Jemima. Hello, Angelique. "Hello. " Youíre going to die. Ah!

Mr Pooh.

"Hello. " You die, too.

"No, no, no!" Yes, yes, yes.

"My intestines. Not my intestines!"

D-E-D.

I must be dreaming.

Whereís the fire truck and the rest of the toys?

Theyíre gone.

Iím grown up.

Grown up? Uh-huh.

Grown up?

Great.

That means thereís a load of grown-up things to smash.

Come on!

Where are we going? Play time!

Whee!

Who put that there?

I forgot to give you something.

Ha-ha-ha!

Where is it? Come on. There must be some here somewhere.

Ah! Here it is.

Mind your backs.

Ooh! Careful.

Iíve got some dog poo right here.

Dog poo, dog poo, lovely, lovely dog poo dog poo on the chair All along the side, all up here, lovely, lovely smelly dog poo Elizabeth? Yeah, itís me, Mother.

Iím just getting a glass of water. Uh-huh.

Well, mind the carpet.

Hey, snot face, look. Ink.

Letís write something on the carpet. Letís write, "Mother sucks. "

No. Wait a minute. Iíve a better idea. Letís play a game.

A game? Yeah, a game, like we used to, in the old days.

A game. OK. Great. But not dolls.

Not dolls cos weíre grown-ups now.

Not dolls. How about hide-and-seek?

Great. I love hide-and-seek.

Great. Maybe you should give me that inkwell first.

Sure. Here.

Catch.

Nice catch. OK. Hide your eyes and count to a million.

Iím going to hide in a place where youíll never find me. Bye-bye.

Four, five...

What am I doing?

What am I doing?


Oh, boy.

I donít know what to say.

I didnít want anybody to walk on my carpet. Yeah, I know.

But here I am, scrubbing away at what can only be described as dog mess.

Honestly, youíre not even back for a day and youíre behaving like a five-year-old.

Mother, do you remember when I was little I had this friend? He was make-believe.

No.

Donít you remember I was the only one who could see him?

No, I donít remember Drop Dead Fred at all.

Morning.

So whoís for snot flicking?

I hid all night in the stupid garden shed and you didnít even bother coming to look for me.

Oh, my God.

Is it? It is.

The megabitch. Let me at her!

Is this for me? Get me an axe.

No, get me a chainsaw. Iím going to slice her into tiny pieces.

Mother, are you going to be doing any gardening today?

Well, it is a lovely day for it.

The death breath. She killed me with the death breath.

Be gone, evil one!

Hey, maybe thereís a steak in there. We can drive it through her heart.

Brrrr!

Phew.

Uh!

My head! The megabitch squashed my head!

The bitch. She squashed my head.

The evil one reigns supreme.

Thereís nothing I can do.

Aah! Phew.

Wow.

Cobwebs.

Whatís so funny?

Nothing. Would you come sit here with me, Mother?

Go away. You want me to go away?

All right. Fine. Say the magic words and Iíll piss off.

Piss off. Gotcha. Those werenít the magic words.

What did you say to me? She told you to piss off. Are you deaf?

I said piss off but I did not say it to you.

Well, itís no wonder Charles left you.

You just donít know how to make a marriage work.

You got married? You mean youíve been doing it like the pigeons? No.

Yuck!

There they are. Which one of you two did it? Was it you?

Whoever taught her how to do it is going to get flattened.

There! Come back!

Sheís absolutely insane.

Pigeon pie for you. Fred, stop!

So you got married. Snot face grew up and got married.

Fred, what are you doing here?

Iím stuck cos your stupid, ugly, fat, grown-up husband has left you.

So youíre all alone and youíre all unhappy.

I had to come back and I canít get home again until youíre happy. Why donít you get happy?

OK.

The only thing that could make me happy would be getting Charles back.

All right. Letís get Charles back. I'll help you. OK.

Youíll help me? Yeah, Iíll help you.

When have you ever helped me?

All the time. Thatís what I do. Youíve never helped me.

Excuse me. Yes, I have. Did not.

Did so. You did not.

I did. You did not.

Did not, did not, did not! I did, I did, I did!

Right, thatís it. I hate you.

Ow! Goodbye forever. I hope you die horribly.

Fred, come back.

Fred!

You donít want me anymore? Well, fine.

Iíll throw myself in front of the first... fire truck that I can see.

Fred. Youíre going to be sorry.

Go ahead. Goodbye.

Argh!

What have I done?


Wake up.

Snot face, wake up. Wake up!

What is it? Itís time to play burglars.

Real burglars? Real burglars.

The kind that wear sweaters and Buster Browns. Look.

Da-da!

I made your sweater stripy.

Great.

What is it? Look.

Itís a burglar bag.

Nigel. Nigel!

I think I heard something.

What are we doing this for?

Glues. OK. Itís perfect.

Letís go. Weíll steal gold and weíll steal silver and weíll steal jewels and hide them where no one will ever find them, including us.

Promise?

I promise.

Letís go, burglar.

This is very expensive.

Then weíd better be very careful.

What was that?

OK. Come on. The coast is clear.

Shh. Shh.

Aha!

Hey, snot face. Look at this.

Eeeeeh!

Oh, no. Gladiolas.

A- A-A-chooo!

Ow!

Are you all right, Fred? Yes, I'm all right.

Hello, police? Are they there?

Hello. Give them the address.

Tell them thereís a burglar.

OK, buddy, what shall we steal now?

How about the telephone? Good idea.

Thatís probably where the diamonds are hidden. Yeah! Great idea.

Hello?

Whatís the matter? Whereíd they go?

Theyíve cut the phone line. Oh, my God!

Now itís time to make our getaway through here.

Now, opening a window requires great sophisticatedliness.

So I'd better do it, OK? OK.

Ha! Ouch.

I love those breaking noises.

Oh, my God. Iím having a heart attack. Shh!

Shh. Shh!

OK.

OK. Come on, Fred.

Right, letís do it.

OK, weíll bury the treasure here and no one will find it.

Oh, mind that.

Weíve been found out.

Itís dark in there. Be careful. Stay low.

Kick it in.

Ow!

Stay down here.

What shall we do? Make a run for it.

No. Itís too late for that now. Snot face, Iím going to take the rap alone.

No. Yes. Give me the guilty sweater.

No!

Snot face.

A guyís coming up the stairs. Iím going to ask him what he wants.

Donít leave me.

Keep cool.

Argh!

Nigel, donít die!

Right. I want you to tell them loud and clear and proud, "Drop Dead Fred did it. "

Iím no coward. I donít want to.

Just do it, no brain.

Go on. Drop Dead...

Drop Dead Fred...

I didnít say it right. Fred?

Hey, I thought you werenít a coward.

Iím not a coward. Have they gone?

Why are you taking my husband? It's a mistake. I am calling our lawyer.

Go inside. Why are you going with them?

We are pillars of the community. Get a grip.

What will the neighbours think? Officer...

Maybe Mommyís right.

I never do anything right.

So what? What are you saying that for?

Youíre great. Sheís not.

Sheís always fighting with your dad and calling you horrible things.

Look, youíve got to be what you want to be.

Donít you ever be like her.

Promise? Promise.

OK.

Ow!

Got you, Fred.

Hey!

Elizabeth, what are you doing? Get dressed. Weíre late.

Mother, can we talk about when I was little?

We havenít got time. We have to get you back with Charles and I can do it.

Letís go.

There. You see what I mean? You look wonderful.

Now, Elizabeth, donít worry. All these products are cruelty-free.

No, you see, I think it should definitely be more like mine.

More blush here.

Oh, yes. Much more grown-up. Charles is going to love this.

Oh.

A note, Elizabeth, to you.

Itís from Charles. More bad news, no doubt.

"Dear Lizzie, I came by but no one was here so I thought Iíd leave this note.

"I miss our mornings. "

"I miss our mornings. "

You canít go to work. I love you but Iíve got to go.

"The little games we used to play.

"You have the softest touch. "

Ooh! Ow.

"Youíre like a Lynch Bages "83, a fine wine thatís sure to age well.

"Please come home. "

"Iíll wait for you at our apartment. " At last he wants to talk.

Itís more than your father did when he left. Does he say anything else?

Just one more thing. "Love, Charlie. "

Charles.

Charlie.

Shit yourself? God, I thought you were dead.

It takes more than a fire truck to stop Drop Dead Fred.

You have to leave. Iím expecting Charles.

Expecting Charles. Thatís important. I'd better go.

Thereís a problem. Charles isnít coming. What do you mean?

I wrote the note.

Havenít got a husband! Havenít got a husband!

Got a stupid haircut!

"Look at my horrid, stupid haircut, everybody. "

Na na na-na na! Looks just like her mother.

Another little megabeast.

It was only a joke.

It was just a joke.

Snot face.

It was just a joke.

Come on.

Hey. Look. Look.

Da da-da da-da-da da!

Want a cookie?

Whatís the matter?

I really thought that Charles wanted me back.

Whatís so special about him?

I mean, can he make you puke?

Not like you can. Nah.

So what, then?

Do you really want to know, Fred? Yeah.

I love him.

Why?

I donít know.

He sends me flowers and brings me wine.

Heís very romantic.

He can be really sweet sometimes.

Iíve never heard anything so disgusting in all my life.

Bleurgh! Romance?!

Bleurgh!

Urgh! Whatís this? Charlesís poster for his wine-tasting party.

Will Charles be there? Yeah.

Well, letís go. No. I canít go alone.

Iíll come with you. Iíll be your date. Thatís really nice but no thanks.


Janie!

Janie.

Janie, I need your help. At three in the morning?

What is with your hair? Is there a Marilyn Quayle lookalike contest?

I got this note, not from Charles, from Drop Dead Fred.

Who? Drop Dead? An imaginary friend I had as a child.

Heís back. I hear you knocking but you canít come in.

Murray is in there. You canít stay long.

Janie, suddenly heís everywhere and only I can see him.

Heís driving me crazy. Itís like heís my best friend and yet Iím scared to death of him.

I thought I was your best friend. You are.

Not just because Iím visible. Janie!

Are you coming back? Iíll be right up, Mur.

Heís such an animal. You mean he goes all night?

What do you think, he shits in the corner, he eats with his paws? You canít stay here.

If somebody else could see Drop Dead Fred, then Iíd know Iím not crazy.

Is he here now?

No. Good.

I was going to say if he is, I canít see him.

Janie, if I go home, heís bound to be there.

You canít stay here, though.

I canít go home.

Oh!

All right, stay the night. Thank you.

Murray is here one night a month. You had to pick tonight.


Wake up. Look what Iíve done.

Elizabeth, wake up. Look.

Snot face, wake up.

Wake up!

Wake up. What, are you shedding?

Did you do this to yourself?

Oh! Drop Dead Fred did it.

He was here? Am I missing something?

Is this a girly thing? Itís a creative visualisation.

She has an imaginary friend.

Oh. I never had imaginary friends.

Just wet dreams.

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Iím going to be at work till lunch, then Iíll be back.

That is a very strange young lady.

Sheís going through a difficult time and she is a friend.

Iím not criticising. You are.

Iím just describing what I saw. Everybody has strange friends, even you.

But all mine are alive. Thatís not saying much.

Charles!

Charles!

Charles!

Itís got to be him.

It looks just like our boat.

I think thatís him.

Pirates!

I love playing pirates. Fred, donít touch anything.

Sure. This is going to be great. Weíll sail the seven seas.

Weíll put on eye patches. Weíll cut off our legs and glue on wooden ones.

I canít touch anything? No. OK?

Yeah, sure. Iíll just touch that one.

I wonít touch that one. Iíll touch that one. Nothing.

I am the pirate who doesnít touch anything. Thatís right.

Except this one.

What did you just touch? Nothing.

What did you touch? The red one.

Fred!

The engineís broken, thatís all. Iíll go and fix the engine. You keep an eye out, Captain.

Aye aye, Captain.

Fred, heís getting away.

What? Faster?

Okey-dokey.

This way! Captain Fredís in charge!

Drown the fishes! Kill all the parrots!

What is that water doing there?

What water? That water.

I donít know. What are your thoughts?

Whoa!

Man the lifeboats!


Excuse me a minute, would you?

Now whatís happened? I have some bad news for you.

More?

Remember your house?

Yeah.

It... It sank.

What?

Er, I didnít mean for it...

Drop Dead Fred just...

He was way out of control.

Do you think I have an imaginary-friend clause in my insurance?

Janie, Iím so sorry.

Everything I own is on that boat. Itís all still there.

Itís just... not so near the top of the water.

You always tell me to look on the bright side of things.

What would that be in this particular situation?

There he is.

Murray? No.

Not... Yes.

How about the silverware service? A complete mystery to me but was completely ruined.

Any response?

Heís waving at us. Wave or he might do something awful.

Hi! Whatís he doing now?

Nothing yet.

Do it to them, Murray.

I think itís time we got down to specifics, donít you?

Specifics, donít you? What is it? Itís gone now.

Heís just sitting in your chair. Do you see him?

No, but that wonít stop me from killing the little bastard.

But we have an item weíd like for you to see.

The police report.

The damage to the room was incredible.

Excuse me, gentlemen. Hello, sweetheart. Arenít you a cute little thing?

Iím just going to borrow this. Iíll be back in a second.

Snot face.

Have I got him?

What are you doing, Miss Shagrue?

Iím running for Congress. What does it look like Iím doing?

Thereís nobody there. Heís invisible, idiot.

Die! Youíre dead, little man!

Thatís for the boat!

Thatís for ruining the one schtup I get a month when Murrayís wife is out of town!

Itís very hot in here, isnít it?

This is stupid. We ought to be in a shop that sells harpoons and nets and hammers.

What for? We could harpoon Charles through the head, drag him home and hit him with the hammer till he agrees to come back.

Harpoon him through the head? Brilliant.

Itís not going to work. How many times have you tried it?

Weíre not five any more. I know.

This would be good for the wine gala. It looks like a big bruise.

Iím going to be late for lunch. Who are you having lunch with?

An old friend and I donít mean you.

Youíre not invited.

Why not?

We always do everything together.

Thank you.

This is a great place. Itís Charlesís favourite restaurant.

Oh.

You cut your hair.

Yeah. Charles is going to hate it. You look beautiful.

Just relax. Letís have a nice lunch. OK.

Hi. Whatís happening?

Oh, no. Mickey fart pants. Who let him grow up?

Go away. What?

Iím sorry. No, donít apologise.

I love being with you. I love the way you cut your hair.

I love the way you sink houseboats.

Look at him. Heís still talking about love. I always said you should be a girl.

You know, some people believe that you really never ever fall out of love.

Oh! This isnít like when we were five. Weíre grown-ups now, so piss off.

Iíd like to know more about the grown-up Mickey Bunce.

OK, I...

Well... I know how much you... hate the word divorce but after mine I had to get back into the whole dating...

game.

Yes, Mickey, go on. Yes, Mickey, go on.

OK. Erm...

See that woman over there?

Mm-hm.

Well, I dated her three or four times.

It was funny. I didnít know whether I should hold her hand when we walked down the street or give her a kiss good night.

I felt like I was back in high school again.

Why did you do that?

I didnít. No, you did. I saw you do that.

I did, didnít I? To get the waiterís attention.

Well, I donít think that works.

Maybe that does work.

Your lunch.

And your lunch, sir.

This table leg must be loose again.

Peekaboo.

Peekaboo, yeah. I play that with Natalie all the time.

Oh, yeah...

Smells good. Mm!

OK. Why did you do that?

Disgusting!

Iím crazy.

You are crazy in the most wonderful way.

God, I wish I could be like that. I wish I could do those kind of things.

What the hell.

Hey, buddy.

Uh-oh! You donít throw spaghetti in my restaurant.

Fine. You do it.

You and the Puttanesca woman, out of here.

I like him a lot better than I used to.

Take it easy. Youíre out of here.

It was a joke. You guys should loosen up. Out!

What is Puttanesca? My dress.

Iíll get it. Iíd like to. What the hell.

Amigos.

Having fun? Come on, buddy.

That was great. That make you feel better?

No. First you sink Janieís houseboat. What you did in that restaurant.

All you do is smash things up. Whatís wrong with that?

Nothing, except youíre ruining my life.

Your problem is youíre no fun anymore. Youíve turned into your mother.

You are so sick. You know what? I donít want an imaginary friend any more.

Do you see what youíre doing to me? Iím talking to myself.

Youíre driving me crazy. Please just get out of my life.

All right, fine, Iím going and youíre never going to see me again ever. Bye.


I asked you nicely.

Shh!

Somebody call security.

Iím so sorry.

Iím...

You play such an expensive violin in a shopping mall?

Where? What?

Iím just getting my bag. Iím fine, Mother.

How can you say that when you have conversations with thin air?

Not thin air, Drop Dead Fred.

Donít mention his name. Sorry.

You may have Drop Dead Fred. I have Dr Ryland.

Elizabeth, please have a seat outside. I need a word with your mother.

Thatís the piece, Matthew. Youíve finished it.

Iím really sorry. I didnít know I was going to get you into so much trouble.

So what did the doctor say? Are you insane or what?

Did they give you a lobotomy?

Heís very good with children.

Oh.

Heís one of the countryís leading experts in dealing with the imaginary-friend syndrome.

Your child has one, too, huh?

I donít have a child.

Oh?

Well, whoís in there? My mother.

Oh!

Which one of you is... Me.

Letís go. Iíll leave when I want to.

OK, fine.

OK, I was just asking. Just trying to be nice.

Go to Hell Herman! Argh!

Fred! Argh!

Punch me.

Hey, hey!

Yaah!

Hey, Fred!

Velcro Head! Yaah!

Brrrrrrr!

What are you doing?

I am playing with my friends.

Hey, Freddy. Hi, guys!

Graggy. Hey, Fred, hold this.

Thatís so Namby Pamby.

You called?

Namby Pamby!

Whoo!

This is great. The whole gangís here. Letís have a sick contest!

Hey, watch this. Charge!

Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

Oooh!

Very nice.

Nine, maybe ten. I love it.

Not bad, huh? Beautiful.

Let her take these after meals and before bed.

Are there any side effects? None.

They just neutralise that part of the brain which is malfunctioning.

How did it come to this?

Sheís regressed to where these children are.

Elizabeth.

Well, Iíve got to go, so Iíll see you chickens later. Fred. Not the pills.

Why not? Do they make you sick or stupid? Iíll take them. Iím Fred.

You donít want to let her take the green ones.

Why not? Remember Go-Go Mouth?

Yeah.

Donít worry about me. No, no, F...

Here we are.

Now, I want you to eat all your vegetables.

Yes. Yes what?

Yes, thank you. Thatís better.

Weíre going to be great friends, Mrs Cronin. I can see that.

Iíll be right back.

Donít eat the napkin, dear. Iíve got a black belt and I could break you like that.

Youíre going to behave. Conscious or unconscious, itís all the same to me.

Whoo! I like her. She is good. She is awfully good.

Iíll be back in a moment with your pill.

"Iíll be back in a moment with your pill. "

Wait a minute. Those are the... pills. This is getting serious. Weíd better get out of here.

I know, but this will take one minute. Thereís no way anyone can see her.

I know, cos sheís so crazy. Yes, crazy.

Michael, take your foot out of my door. Oh...

Come on. Snot face, letís go.

Look, I am getting fed up of this.

Itís getting dangerous. Thereís two of them now and theyíve got pills.

Theyíre going to turn you into one of them. Youíve started already.

You picked up a piece of broccoli and went, "What a lovely piece of broccoli. "

I canít believe it. Itís beyond disgusting.

Snot face, please help.

Come on.

Look, remember when your dad picked up the megabeast and threw her out the window?

That never happened. It didnít happen, but you wanted it to.

Yeah. So did I.

Do you remember? Hm?

Remember?

Elizabeth, youíve made a mess of your beautiful hair.

The time has come... when we donít want to hear the words Drop Dead Fred ever again.

Donít you agree, Nigel?

Hm? About what? This Drop Dead Fred business.

Iím sorry, Pol. Stand still. Iíll clean it later.

I have some cereal?

May I have some cereal?

Yes, you may in just a minute. We donít eat food off the floor.

Why do you call him Drop Dead Fred? Because thatís his name, Daddy.

And Drop Dead Fred is going to teach me how to cook today.

Iím going to need flour and sugar and honey and vodka.

And a pair of your pants. Weíre making pants pie.

Ouch!

Vodka and pants pie. God knows what else.

Sheís only a kid, Pol.

Daddy, how about we throw Mommy out the window?

It wonít hurt her. Sheíll land right in the gladioliís.

You shouldnít say things like that about your mother.

She might cut your head off.

Very funny, Elizabeth.

Sometimes I think I donít love you as much as I used to.

Drop Dead Fred does. No more Drop Dead Fred, period!

Hi, Fred. Youíre completely wrong cos I donít love you.

I donít love anyone cos loveís for girls and girls are disgusting.

Iím a loner. Iím a crazy, wide-eyed loner on a doomed space mission to Venus to battle with the three-headed megabeast.

But on the way there, I caught cornflakes disease.

Pants pie canít save me now. The only thing that can save me is a mud pie.

Yeah! Come on.

Here it comes.

Take the top off. OK.

Here it comes. Wow, my first real mud pie!

Itís not ready yet. We need lots of other things. We need cornflakes and orange juice. Beautiful.

Thatís lovely. This is fun.

A little tea. A lot of tea.

Sugar? Yeah.

Thatís good. Here.

Thatís good. Thereís the milk. Good. Lots of milk.

Lovely. Right.

Yeah, but itís not ready. Itís still too pretty. It needs something.

I know.

There.

Great. When somethingís not working, the best thing is to tear it apart to make it better.

Elizabeth, are you behaving in there?

Iím not afraid of the megabeast. Iím not either.

When she comes in here, weíll make her eat up this mud.

And then weíll cut her head off. With scissors.

And then weíll make her eat it. Make her eat her own head?

With what? Oh, yeah. Well, Iíll eat her head, then.

And Iíll eat the rest of her. Yeah! And then weíll get up...

And weíll poo her all over the table cos weíre not afraid of anything. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah!

Argh!

Elizabeth! Quick, hide.

Quick.

Hurry up!

OK?

Ah!

Oh, my...

What is wrong with you?

Youíve been playing with him, havenít you?

Where is he?

Donít take him away from me!

So that must make you cry. Well, now I know what to do.

Give me it. No, donít take him away from me.

Nigel, do it. No, I wonít.

I donít want anything to do with it. Itís not right. All right. Iíll do it.

Itís not right.

What would you know about raising a child?

Apparently nothing.

If you ever touch this again, Iíll throw it in the trash.

Do you know what will happen? He will be crushed to death.


"Dear Drop Dead Fred, "you were my only friend but she took you away from me.

"I know Iíll see you again someday. "

"If you come back, I promise weíll run away together. "

See that? "Promise. "

I found that when I was hiding in the garden shed.

Thatís right. Thatís where I hid it. But you never answered it.

You just disappeared.

And when you did all the... life and, um, the spirit... and the... The Fred.

Yeah, Fred. Just went out of me.

I should never have let my mother know how much she could hurt me.

Once she knew how, she knew that she could do it all the time.

And she did.

So I never showed her my real feelings again.

So? So?

So now can we run away, please?

Where to? To the party.

To the Charlie party. Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah!

Yeah!

OK?

Letís go.

Oh, no, gladiolas.

No. No. No!

Where do you think youíre going?

Iím going.

No, youíre not, youíre staying. No, Mother, this time Iím definitely going.

Good night, flake.

Yeah, well, weíre not scared of you, fatso.

Come on. Weíll go out the window. Iím good at this. Stand back.

Wait a minute.

I love those breaking noises.

Letís go. Come on.

Hey, door-to-window service.

I brought your dress, madam. Mickey.

Can you give me a lift? Absolutely. Come on.

Oi, wait for me.

I believe you ordered the spaghetti. I hate you.

Mickey, Iím so sorry. I hope I didnít get you into trouble.

No. Look, itís OK. Itís all been great to me.

Youíre going to look beautiful in your dress. I hope Charles appreciates it.

Heís just a total and utter girl, isnít he?

This is great, stuck in a truck with two girls.

Mickey, youíre the best.

Thanks. I think I was six when we moved away.

I remember getting in the car, pulling away, taking one last look at you and thinking, "Iím never going to get to have fun with Betsy again. "

Mickey Bunce.

Donít you hate it when youíre right about the wrong things?

Letís go. Thanks.

Snot face, you are looking great. I am?

Yeah. For a girl.

There he is.

Is that him? Mm-hm.

I thought he liked wine. Why does he keep spitting it out?

Whereís he gone? I donít know. Come on.

Right.

Fred, letís just behave ourselves. Sure. Not a problem.

Grapes.

Could someone grab a hold of this?

What? Why do I always get the blame? Youíve got the grape. The lady with the grape did it.

Where is he? I donít know.

Donít worry. Iíll find Charlie boy for you.

Wait here. Charlie!

Charlie!

Oha...

No panties.

No panties! Ah!

Get up. Get up.

Fred, get up. Go away!

Get up. Spoilsport.

I was just admiring your dress.

The material, itís so pretty. Slinky.

Oh!

Itís pretty neat. It looks good on you.

It feels good on. I like yours. Yours is nice.

Itís very purple. Annabelle.

My little Chardonnay. There you are.

Elizabeth. My God.

Thatís him.

Don't just stand there, do something. Go on. Kiss him.

You said she was mousey.

Iím sorry. Excuse me.

Donít go. Itís going great.

Are you OK?

I think so. Yeah?

Yeah.

My little vermentino. My little Pinot Noir.

I canít believe we left the party so soon. All that wine to spit around.

We didnít even get to play spin the bottle. I got upset.

God, youíre so stupid. You never leave a party till the very end.

Really? Yeah, really.

Cinderella left early. Remember her?

No, I donít remember her. I forgot everything about her. She made me puke.

I remember the ugly sisters. They were great.

Youíre here.

I tell you something? What?

You look fabulous.

I do?

Darling, you need me.

I do?

To protect you.

From what?

Men like me.

But, Charles, thereís so many things... No. No talk.

Just kiss.

What was that?

Oh, itís Fred.

Fred? What did you do, give this Fred a key?

Hey, Fred, Iím home now. Itís Charles, Lizzie's husband.

Is he the violent type?

Only with me.

Jesus.

Who does this guy think he is, playing around with a married woman?

Polly, hi.

What did you do?

Hello?

You are a wonderful man, Charles, but she is dangerous.

I love dangerous. Donít worry. I can take care of this Drop Dead Fred.

If you think you can handle it, here.

But, Charles, she is just a child. Iím a grown-up, Polly.

Where were we?

Eurgh! What does that taste like?

Charles, letís talk. Itís kind of important to me.

Of course it is.

Youíre not going to get that out, are you? Not now.

Not now? No, I mean now.

Now. Now.

Hang on.

Hang on. This isnít how the pigeons do it. Youíre supposed to stamp on her head and peck her.

Charles. Annabelle.

What? What?

What happened?

You just said Annabelle.

No, I didnít. Yes, you did. You said, "Oh, Annabelle. "

You said "Oh, Annabelle. " Thatís impossible.

Charles, I heard you. You said Annabelle.

Well... if I said, "Oh, Annabelle," isnít it better that I said, "Oh, Annabelle" and I was here with you, than to say "Oh, Lizzie" and be somewhere else with Annabelle?

Yeah.

I know what youíre doing. Youíre going to do what he did to Annabelle on the sofa.

Donít say things like that now, Fred. Lizzie.

I think itís time to say goodbye... to your friend.

Hey. Hey!

Listen, Iím Drop Dead Fred, right?

If your husband thinks he can get rid of me with a stupid pill, heís got another think coming.

Ow.

Well, thank you very much, dear friend.

Charles.

Oh, you look so handsome!

Lizzie, come on, now. Donít do that. We have to do it this way.

Look, Iíve got a long day.

I donít like him.

No. It scares me.

Go on. Out his throat.

Go on.

Whatís the news? Wait till my endorphins kick in.

You know, the bodyís natural morphine. Here it comes.

Ooh!

The aerobic rush. Now ask me. Whatís the big news?

Have you ever seen so many zeros outside of the national debt?

I never knew a barge was worth this much? Not a barge. A river condominium.

I had no idea they were worth that much until mine sank.

What a total groove. Youíve got Charles back and I have all those zeros.

Our lives have worked out! Thank you, Drop Dead Fred.

Donít waste your breath. Iím phasing him out.

Really? Yeah.

Whatís for dinner? Your favourite.

Beef Wellington, how nice.

To us. To... us.

For you, my love.

What the hell is that?

Mud pie. Is that supposed to be a joke?

Fred! Itís either him or me, Elizabeth.

Itís you. I swear. Fred is gone. You know what? Iíll make a dinner salad.

Forget it. Iíll make a lovely salad. Please.

Itíll be the most romantic, wonderful, romantic... romantic salad.

A romantic dinner salad. Yeah. OK?

OK. Here I go. Iím making it.

Itís going to be so good. If you leave those pants, Iíll take them to the dry cleaners tomorrow.

Youíll never hear from Fred again.

Heís the wrong man for you. I donít want to hear it.

Youíre not happy.

Yes, I am. If youíre so happy, why am I still here?

I can fix that.

No, donít do that. Please donít do that.

Darling...

Of course I still love you, Annabelle.

Hey, Iím your fella, Annabelle.

Yeah.

Snot face, come here.

I donít hear you. Itís important. Heís worse than the megabeast.

Thatís it. Iím taking the last pill. No.

The goodbye pill. Donít do that.

Just look in there. Please.

Annabelle... Annabelle, sheíll never know.

And so what if she does?

No, listen. Would you listen? I am in control with Lizzie.

Iím in the driverís seat.

She trusts me.

Youíve got to leave him.

I donít feel so good.

Leave him.

I canít.

Iím scared to be alone.

Come with me.

"Fred?" "Yeah. "

"Where are we going?" "Use your imagination. "

"Fred?" "Youíll know what to do. "

"Fred?"


Iím scared.

I donít want to be alone here.


Get in, Lizzie. I want to take you away, goose.

Donít you love me anymore?

Hi. Fred.

So what are you going to do about him?

Nice job. Nice job.

Couldnít have done better myself. Come on. This way.

Ow!

We need a tree.


Youíre getting good at this. Letís go.

Just where do you think youíre going?

Just forget her. Just say the magic words.

Iím not afraid of you. You canít go in there.

Iím not afraid of you!

Finally, the magic words.


We donít have to be afraid any more.

You have to go now.

OK. Iím ready.

Letís go. No.

You have to go alone.

But I want you to come back with me. Thatís just tough.

You have to go alone. I canít get back now.

Look, youíve got you now.

You donít need me. Not anymore.

So... goodbye.

Just kiss me and say Drop Dead Fred.

Now.

Drop Dead Fred.


What do you mean itís no good for you this way? Annabelle, wait.

Well, to hell with you, Annabelle.

Lizzie, is our romantic salad ready?

Yeah.

Bye, Charles.

Oh!

I forgot to give you something.


Yes, Charles. Leave everything to me. Itís Charles.

Charles?

Young lady, you have a lot of explaining to do.

I know whatís best for me. You have to stop treating me like Iím your enemy.

Enemy? Sometimes I wonder with you.

I made the same mistake a lot of people make.

I had a child to save a marriage. How can you say that?

You made things worse. He left because of you.

What a pile of shit.

Donít you dare. Donít you dare walk out on me.

Elizabeth. Lizzie.

Iíll be lonely.


You should get yourself a friend.

You have a lot of options open to you right now.

I just think Iíd like to be one of them. OK?

OK. Daddy, it was his idea.

I wanted to play but he bumped me on the head and said piss off.

Natalie, what did you do? Natalie Bunce, where are you?

Come back in here this minute and get cleaned up.

Natalie, what happened here?

Itís chocolate and itís yummy. Want some? No, I donít want any.

She made a terrible mess in the kitchen and expects me to believe a pretend friend did it.

Heís not pretend. Heís Drop Dead Fred.

What did you say?

She said Iím not pretend. What are you, deaf?

Natalie, now, come on. What really happened?

I told you. Donít you believe me?

I believe you. Next time you see Drop Dead Fred, you send him my love.

Mr Bunce.

Look out. Itís the witch. Come on. Quick.

This is it. Iím afraid youíre going to have to find a new baby-sitter.

Sheís just too much.

OK. Now.

Help! Help!

We did it. I told you it would work. Brilliant.

Help! Help! Help!

Well done.