Drowning Mona (2000) Script

♪ Wash away my troubles ♪

♪ Wash away my pain ♪

♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪

♪ Wash away my sorrows ♪

♪ Wash away my shame ♪

♪ With the rain in Shambala ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Everyone is helpful ♪

♪ Everyone is kind ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪ Ugh! Shit!

♪ Everyone is lucky ♪

♪ Everyone is so kind ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CLUTCH GRINDING]

♪ I can tell my sister ♪

♪ About the flowers in her eyes ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

♪ I can tell my brother ♪

♪ About the flowers in his eyes ♪

♪ On the road to Shambala ♪

♪ How does your light shine ♪

♪ In the halls of Shambala? ♪

[GRUNTING, SCREAMING]


MAN: Uh-huh.

I see.

Is that right?

Well, have you ever seen Starlight Express?

WOMAN: [OVER PHONE] Daddy, of course I have.

Well, I mean, let's face it. It's no West Side Story.

You don't know what kind it was?

It's a mix.

[RINGING] There's English, there's Red Nose, there's Staffordshire, there's all kinds. [CONTINUES RINGING]

There's American. Yeah, but she says it was a longhaired pit bull.

There's no such thing as a longhaired pit bull. That's what I'm saying.

One of you guys gonna get that?

TONY: I'm not attacking you...

No. I'm just working this out.

Carlucci.

One second.

Feege, you got a call on two.

Are we okay here? Because it's just...

It's formality. Absolutely, I just have to do it over again.

Lieutenant Gruman speaking.

Lieutenant?

I rented it. Rita Moreno was so terrible.

How can you say that? Rita Moreno was fabulous.

[INDISTINCT]

Well, at least she wasn't on roller skates.

Are you making fun of me because I likeXanadu? What?

Lucinda just called. Let me call you back.

Okay.

Uh-huh. You know Mona Dearly?

What about her? She was proceeding southbound on Route Nine...

When apparently, her vehicle was involved In a two-eleven-oh-seven.

[SIGHS]

[MUTTERS]

What?

She drove into the river.

She's dead, Wyatt.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ In the summertime When the weather is hot ♪

♪ You can stretch right up and touch the sky ♪

♪ When the weather's right ♪

♪ You got women, you got women on your mind ♪ [CAT SHRIEKS]

♪ Have a drink have a drive ♪

♪ Go out and see what you can find ♪

♪ If her daddy's rich take her out for a meal ♪

♪ If her daddy's poor just do what you feel ♪

♪ Speed along the lane do a ton or a ton and 25 ♪ So, what happened to your hand?

Oh, this thing?

Oh, it's nothing. I mean, what are you gonna do?

So, what did you say your name was again?

Maria Lasala.

Oh, that's a nice name. Thanks.

So, what, are you married or something?

Maybe.

♪ We're always happy ♪

♪ Life's for living yeah that's our Philosophy ♪

♪ Sing along with us de, de, de, de, de ♪

♪ Da de da, da, da ♪ BOBBY: She's 13, man. JEFF: Yeah, finally.

I'm picking you up tomorrow at 9:00.

For what? What do you mean, "for what?" for work.

Nine?

That's early.

Yeah, but it's Carlson's. So?

It's Carlson's nursery.

Look, I heard you the first time, Bobby. I ain't mute.

No, I'm just saying. Carlson's gonna make us a lot of money.

It's gonna save the business.

I get half.

I know.

And none of that 50 percent bullshit.


That's it.

What do you think?

Should I do the yellow apple six report, or the yellow apple seven?

RASH: What's the difference?

FEEGE: The yellow apple six involves water.

Well, Feege, the car is submerged in water.

What do you think?

Let's go with the yellow apple six. Yeah.

I think that's a good idea, Feege.

She's dead.

Thank you, Dr. Schwartz.


Oh, there he is. Here they come.

[WHISTLING]

So you want to tell Jeff about his mom, or do you think we should do it?

Yeah, that's, uh...

I mean, we'd be more than happy to do it, Phil.

You know, it's just that coming from you...

It may cushion the blow.

Being that, you know, he's your son and all.

Well, in that case, it might be best if one of you did it.

Oh. Right.

Okay. Okay.

I could do that. Do you wanna...

I could do that.

Could you? I could do it. Who's gonna do it?

Jimmy's gonna do it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll handle it.

PHIL: Okay. I got it, Phil.

Oh.

Hey, Jeff, uh, I'm afraid I got some, uh, bad news.

How you doing, Bobby?

Hey, where's my car?

It's a little bit more serious than your car, Jeff. Hey, Bob.

Would somebody mind telling me what the hell's going on here?

It's... I'm afraid...

Your mother was in a car accident. I'm afraid she's dead, Jeff.

She's dead.

What was she doing in my car?

[HUMMING]

Hey, where you been?

Oh. Listen, you gotta talk to Murph.

We were going over the menu before and I mentioned the boneless-breasted chicken, and he's, like, "Boneless? You never said you wanted boneless."

Can you believe that?

And I'm, like, "Hello. You don't serve chicken bones at a wedding.

"God forbid someone chokes to death."

The thing is it'll cost an extra five bucks a plate, and at a hundred plates, we're looking at a half a grand just to get rid of the bones.

Like we got that kind of money.

Bobby, what's wrong?

Uh, Mona Dearly is dead.

What?

You're kidding me.

No. Yeah... I mean, no.

No, she's dead.

Oh, my god. What happened?

It was just a car accident...

On the road, I guess.

Well, we've gotta celebrate. [LAUGHING]

What?

God, Ellie, Jesus! She's a human being.

"We gotta celebrate." Have some respect.

I don't gotta have respect for no one in that family.

Bobby, think about how they've treated you.

How'd they treat me? Badly.

They're horrible people. They're a house full of freaks.

Hey, "Philibuster," check it out how fast I'm doing this, man.

Cut it out, would you?

But mom, I'm on a roll. Look at it. [IMITATING CHOPPING]

Cut it out, you little shit, or I'll kill ya!

All right.

Jeez.

Now, about the name of this business, you given any thought to it yet?

Well, I thought we should call it, you know, BJ Landscaping.

[LAUGHING]

MONA: BJ?

I don't get it.

You know, "B" for Bobby and "J" for Jeff, you know. BJ Landscaping.

Well, I think JB Has a nicer ring to it.

Besides, you don't want anyone going around calling you blow job landscaping, do you?

Uh, no.

Well, then what if we call it JP's, right? I mean, that's good.

JP's ain't an option, Jeffrey. How come, "smarty two-shoes"?

'Cause his name don't start with "P."

Oh, yeah. Oh, Jesus.

What's that, Mr. Dearly? You say something, Phil?

JEFF: You gonna contribute, or what? Yeah, Phil, what do you think about what's going on?

Well, I think that's, uh...

Whatev...

Whatever you two decide is...

All right. Thanks, Mr. Dearly.

MONA: For what? He didn't say jack!

Why are you kissing his ass?

I wasn't kissing his ass...

I thought you were done with kissing ass. I wasn't kissing his...

JEFF: Totally kissing his ass.

Kiss ass!

Look at the little kiss ass.

[SMOOCHING]

You disgust me, you little kiss ass. Get out of my sight.

She deserved it.

I bet property values go up.

So, are you gonna fire Jeff?

What? No. Why would I want to fire Jeff?

'Cause you been wanting to for years.

No, I haven't.

I stopped wanting to fire him a long time ago.

Well, what about him killing the Schneider dog?

He didn't kill the Schneider dog.

I mean, that was an accident when he killed the Schneider dog.

Bobby, he ran over it with a lawn mower.

Yeah.

All right, I don't want to talk about it right now, okay?

The guy's mother just drove off of a cliff.

Yeah.

Too bad Jeff wasn't riding shotgun.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

That would have been funny.

CLARENCE: Ever so gracefully, the yellow Yugo, sort of floating...

It was almost slow-motion like...

And it did a swan dive right into the river.

Swan dive, huh? Well, it was tragic and frightening, yet beautiful in an obtuse way. All right, that's...

What did he say?

Clarence? Hmm.

He said she drove into the river.

Oh.

You know, Feege, I was looking around up top, and there is something very odd about this.

What's that?

There are no skid marks.

She never hit the brakes.

Now, we should do some checking to see if she suffered from any medical conditions...

Like, uh, narcolepsy or something.

Could have been "barr-stein syndrome."

Yeah. Yeah.

Rash, she was a lousy driver.

It probably caught up with her.

That's right, you knew her pretty well, didn't you?

Well, our paths crossed time to time.

[SIREN BLARING] Juliet, echo, papa, hotel.

You had that little thing with her a while back.

A bit of an altercation between the two of you.

Let me see your hands.

Let me see your hands.

[SLURRING] Why'd you pull us over, Feege?

Well, let me think about that for a second here, Mona.

"A," you're riding on rims and "B," you just went 2800 on an officer of the law.

And "C"... What the hell's the matter with you, Jeff?

Oh! Boy.

Ow! Look what you did.

I didn't do nothing. You scared him half to death.

He's drunk. No, he ain't!

Get out of here, you jerk!

That's okay, baby. Everything's okay.

Mommy's here now. Yes, okay, baby.

You're gonna pay for this, Feege.

You just lost your lawn service, pal.

It's a real shame, though. Him and Bobby did...

A fabulous job on my place.

So, what do you think, Lucinda?

What do I think? I think she took a turn for the worse...

And broke her stupid neck.

A fitting end to a less-than-laudable life.

I'm talking about the car.

I'll have her fixed in no time.

Now, Lucinda...

Look, dude, if somebody rigged it, you'll know.

I'm counting on you, all right?

All right. It'll cost you.

You gonna charge him double? You know it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ You get up, you get down ♪

♪ You get lost and then you get found ♪

♪ Sure as I'm sitting here ♪

♪ Sure as I'm sitting here ♪

♪ You get a laugh ♪

♪ You get a cry ♪

♪ You get them all before you die ♪

♪ Sure as I'm sitting here ♪

♪ Sure as I'm sitting here ♪

♪ All the ladies ♪

♪ Hypnotize you ♪

♪ And all your friends ♪

♪ Well, they just patronize you ♪

♪ Don't gotta look for god ♪

♪ He's just sitting here ♪

♪ And I think he's got a plan ♪

♪ But it's not too clear ♪

♪ Come on sit down get down ♪

♪ Come on sit down get down ♪

♪ As sure as I'm sitting here ♪

[MUSIC ENDS]


She's dead.

I know. I can't believe this.

I mean, it's just... Man, I mean...

This is it, right, Rone? I mean...

This is it.

I don't like it, Phil. I don't like it one bit.

What's the matter?

Look, I have to ask you something, and I want you to be honest.

Sure.

What?

Did you do it? Did I do what?

Did you kill her?

How could you ask me that?

How could she ask me that? It looks suspicious, Phil.

It was an accident.

It was a stroke of good luck.

Good luck doesn't happen to people like us.

Good luck happens to Madonna. No.

Tony and Jimmy D. Said it could have been...

Slippage on the road... Or something.

I don't know. Sure.

I don't know. And in a couple of months, they're gonna find me floating at the bottom of the Hudson.

Don't talk like that, baby.

Don't talk like that.

'Cause if you're down there, I'm down there.

Uh-huh. I'll go down with the catfish.

Phil. Phil. I'll go swim in the murk.

Phil. Yeah.

Are you okay? I'll live.

No bacteria, honest.

I am a priest.

"A priest?" A priest. You can't cut me off.

Padre, stow it.

You're breaking my concentration, for crying out loud.

Look, threats notwithstanding, all right?

Cut the sermon and just give me a godamn beer!

You want me to squirt you in front of god and everybody? I'll do it.

Hey, Murph.

What's all this about the chicken? The chickens?

We got bigger fish to fry, pal.

Get your ass over there. Come on.

Tell me you didn't do it, Bobby. Do what?

Mona Dearly.

[LAUGHING]

Come on, they were killing your business, Bobby.

That whole family was ruining your life. No, they weren't.

They weren't ruining anything. I didn't do it. Are you crazy? What are you talking about?

I'm just saying there's a lot of people that wouldn't blame you if you did.

Come on, Murph, Jesus Christ! All right.

I'm just doing the big brother thing, you know. I'm just...

I'll back off.

Guess who got in an altercation last night?

Who?

Valerie Antonelli.

Big talk from the big man. MAN: Are you talking to me, huh?

Where's Bobby Calzone when you need him, huh, Valerie?

So what are you gonna friggin' do? You gonna friggin' hit me?

Ow!

Come on, Murph.

She's a girl. You don't let her get slapped around like that.

What's the matter with you?

Hey, she's the one that wanted to be a landscaper.

So sue me.

All right, listen, Murph, so, uh...

What's up with the whole chicken thing? Can you help us out?

Bobby, look. If you want somebody to sit there, and yank the bones out of a hundred chickens, it's gonna run you money.

All right, you might be... You know, you're the best man at the wedding, Murph.

I'm not making any money on this wedding as it is.

You know, you're my brother. Can't you do a...

Just do a brotherly deboning or something?

What's the... I mean... Okay.

How long is this gonna go on? Huh?

I'm fronting you for your business, I'm helping you with your wedding.

Do you realize that last year I declared you as a dependent on my taxes?

Look, you know, I'm having a hard time at work right now.

And, uh, I'm a little bit shorthanded with Jeff.

Well, maybe due to the untimely demise of Mona Dearly, you could finally get rid of that one-arm bandit partner of yours.

[LAUGHS]

Bobby, come on, I can't...

I can't take care of you like this.

BOBBY: Wait... Wait a second. Come on. Come on. come on.

I have to close the door. I'm not ready yet. [LAUGHING]

You're no fun at all.

ANSWERING MACHINE: You have one new message.

RASH: Hi, honey. It's your old dad calling.

Just want to see how your plans for the big day are shaping up.

Uh, I thought we could hop over to the diner for some breakfast.

Tomorrow is no good, but maybe Saturday.

Okay? Say hey to Bobby. Be good.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

What do you think he wants?

I don't know. Sounded pretty cryptic.

Something about breakfast, Saturday.

[CHUCKLES] Hard to say.

Honey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

♪ Lazy river where the robin's song ♪

♪ Awakes the bright new morning ♪

♪ We can loaf along... ♪

RASH: Hi, Jeff.

I just thought I'd stop by and pay my respects.

Your dad's not home, is he? Nope.

Oh.

I know this is trying times for the two of you.

[BURPS] You want a beer or something?

No. No, thanks. You don't happen to know where he went?

Jeff, did your mother suffer from any medical conditions you might know of?

I think she had a personality disorder.

Oh, a person...

Well, not necessarily like that.

It's just there are some aspects of this accident that, uh, just...

Well, what, you think someone killed her?

Yeah, well, I didn't do it. I never said you did, but if you were to know if somebody had a grudge against her, or something like that, you know.

Oh, yeah. I don't want to point any fingers and what not, but Bobby Calzone did it.

Bobby Calzone? I find that hard to believe.

Bobby's such a sweet kid.

He doesn't have a violent bone in his body.

Why don't you see how Peaches feels about that?

Peaches?

The Schneider dog? Yeah.

Yeah, with the lawn mower. [IMITATING MOTOR]

Oh, great job with Peaches there, Bobby. Oh, drop dead, asshole.

But Bobby, that poor little dog.

"Poor little dog." It was in the way.

Hey, you were the one chasing after it with the lawn mower, not me.

I wasn't chasing it. It wasn't my fault.

It got in the way. Yeah, well now we lost that account.

BOBBY: All right, blame me. Blame me like you blame me for everything else.

I don't care. Hey, you killed Peaches. I would've fired us for that.

Oh, is that a firsthand account? Like you never killed a dog?

Hey, look, Bobby, if you keep losing our accounts, pretty soon we'll be out of business.

Then how're you gonna take care of Ellen?

"Take care of Ellen." Ellen freakin' shmellen. Honey, I hate to see you gu...

What are you saying? I can't hear you, Mrs. Dearly. what?

Huh? What? Huh? What? Shut up! Bobby, you're hurting me.

One step closer, Jeff, and I swear to god, I'll tear out your friggin' ovaries.

Don't you speak to my boy like that.

Mrs. Dearly, your boy has the IQ of a garden pest.

And so do you, you dumb wench!

Hey, Bobby, I-I-I-I don't think that... What? You don't think?

That's your problem, Phil, you don't think.

You don't think! Now, I've had it!

I can't take it anymore. Especially you, Mona Dearly.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means!

You know what it means! Ahh!

He said, "ovaries"?

Oh, yeah. All the time.

And he threatened your mom's life?

But why didn't you report this?

'Cause everyone threatened her life.

[ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYING]

Ovaries.

Ovaries.

[RONA LAUGHING]

[LUCINDA SINGING] ♪ Oh, Mona Dearly ♪

♪ She took a turn for the worse ♪

♪ You know she swam with the fishes ♪

♪ You know she dug in the dirt ♪

♪ Oh, why did she have to die, die, die? ♪

♪ Oh, why did she have to die, die, die? ♪

♪ Oh, why did she have to de, de, de, de ♪

♪ De, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de, de die, die ♪

♪ Oh, Mona Dearly ♪ Catchy. Hey.

That was nice. Oh, thanks.

How's that daughter of yours?

Oh, she's great. Thanks for asking.

Yeah? Wedding plans going smooth? Like silk on glass.

All right, I want you to take a look under here.

Okay, if somebody were to sabotage the brakes... "If"?

If. It's a conditional clause. If.

Like I was saying, if somebody were to sabotage the brakes, he's got two options.

He can be smart and puncture a hole in the brake fluid tank, or he can be a total freak and cut all four of the brake lines.

I'll show you.

These here are brake lines. There, there.

They've all been cut. A total freak.

That rules out... An accident. Hey, hey, slow down, pal.

We're just getting started here.

All right, now.

You know what this is.

Lucinda, I don't know shit about cars. That's the brake fluid tank.

What's that hole?

That's a hole.

So, I figure the perp...

Used some kind of sharp instrument...

A screwdriver, an awl, what have you...

Took it and drove it through the tank with a hammer.

Just, "Bam. Bam." Now, see this?

This here? Fetzer valve.

I'm not familiar with the fetzer valve. Nor should you be.

It serves no purpose whatsoever.

So what's the problem?

Somebody poked a hole in that too.

Is that bad?

This car was done to death. Done to death?

Uh-huh, fixed to kill.

Fixed to kill.

This was no accident.

"Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to express my sorrow...

"Over the loss of your tragic...

"Hi, Jeff, Phil. Really sorry to bother you...

"Hi. Sorry to bother you. Listen, I just want to express my sorrow...

"...over the loss of..." [DOOR OPENS]

Hey, Mr. Dearly.

I just wanted to, uh, express my... Sorrow...

...over the loss of your tragic loved one.

My loved one, hmm.

Your wife passed.

Oh, yeah? Who'd she pass?

Hey, what do you want?

Well, Bobby came by to express his loss over our sorry loved one.

You know, I ain't working today.

Oh, no. You shouldn't work.

You sh... You're definitely on a le... A grievance leave, and I'm just coming by to say that I'm really sorry.

Yeah, that's great if that's what you want to tell yourself.

Hey, listen, if you asked me, he sounds real broken up about it.

I mean, look at him. [CHUCKLING] Yeah, no kidding.

All right, so, uh... PHIL: Hey, listen, Bob, if you're tormented by this, you should definitely come by Cubby's funeral home tonight and have a full release.

Yeah, yeah. We're having one of them "wake and bake" services.

Okay, yeah, sure. I'll come by Cubby's.

Yeah, you do that, you little kiss ass.

Yeah, you make sure you wear them kiss ass shoes too.

[LAUGHING] And that landscaping kiss ass t-shirt.

I'll mow your lawn, I'll trim your hedges...

BOTH: ...and I'll kiss your ass. [LAUGHING]

There he goes. Look at him. Yep, yep.

A little hesitation before the kiss. [CHUCKLING]

Careful, oh. Don't kiss the dog's ass.

All he talks about is how much the wedding's gonna cost and how Jeff's ruining JB's. I'm worried about him, dad.

It's like he's obsessed.

Well, I'll talk to him. See if I can help.

No, it's all right.

You've already done enough. You know...

This is gonna sound terrible, but with Mrs. Dearly dying, this is the first break he's caught in a while.

RONA: Hey, folks.

Hey, Rone.

So, shame about Mona Dearly, huh?

So young. Tragic.

It's taken everybody by surprise.

RONA: Yeah, poor family.

So, what can I get you? RASH: I'll have the usual.

And a cup of joe.

And you, hon?

You want the heart attack special just like your daddy?

The vegetarian plate.

Back in a jiff.

A box of frigging meat for our wedding gift like I'm registered at a deli.

Hey, what do you think about Ice Castles for our spotlight dance?

Can't go wrong with Ice Castles.

That's what I was thinking.

So, it looks like there's gonna be an investigation into this thing.

RONA: I just... I have to tell you that this wedding of yours is all anybody in this town is talking about.

And the fact that you two even considered having me there...

Well, forget about it.

Yeah, well, me and Bobby really want you there, Rone.

Oh, I just want you to know it moved me... Down deep.

Really. It moved me. ELLEN: Good, good.

Enjoy your meal.

RASH: So, where was I?

You said you were gonna investigate.

Right. What I was thinking was, uh...

Goddamnit, don't give me that shit, Phil.

I'm not overreacting. He was there. He was talking to Ellen.

Oh, come on, sweet nipple. Don't "sweet nipple" me, Phil.

But we got nothing to do with it, honey.

I'm dumping her stuff right now.

What does that have to do with anything, Phil?

Do you know why our prisons are so crowded?

I don't know. Too many criminals? Wrongful imprisonment, Phil.

Erroneous convictions.

11% of all inmates currently serving time are counterfactually incarcerated for crimes uncommitted.

Did you ever see Tom Selleck inAn Innocent Man?

Oh, yeah, was that with Kurt Russell?

Phil, look. Rash is asking a lot of questions about all of you.

And I don't like one bit what he's insinuating, not one bit.

Relax, Vanna. He's just doing his...

Hi, Phil. Oh, shit.

Rash is here. What?

I gotta go. [RECEIVER CLICKS]

Hey, chief.

Hey, Phil. I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time. Oh, no.

I was just getting ready for Mona's wake. How you doing?

I'm fine.

That's a really nice picture of the two of you.

I can't tell you how sorry I am about Mona.

She was a passionate... And committed woman.

Now, this is probably the exact wrong time to ask you...

No, hey, whatever I can do to help.

I mean, hey, you know me, I'm a team player.

Well, I need to ask you a couple of questions about your wife.

Oh, yeah? What about her?

Phil.

Phil, sweetie, you got a minute for me?

Phil.

Honey, they're looking for the shooter.

Get in here, Phil.

You should have seen this guy takin' potshots in his skivvies.

He looked a lot like Father Tom.

Yes, dear?

Where were you this afternoon? Wh-what?

Where the hell were you?

I called the warehouse. You were MIA.

Are you sure you had the right number?

Oh, boy.

Who is she, Phil? Uh, who's who?

What's her name? Uh, sweetness...

Oh, Jesus, honey, you could've hurt somebody with that.

I don't wanna hurt someone, Phil. I wanna hurt you.

What's gotten into you? You.

You don't find me attractive no more!

Of course I don't... Do.

You got something going on, don't you, Phil? Don't you?

You been playing Wheel of Fortune with someone else.

Ooh.

PHIL: Don't tell anyone, but, uh...

I was a battered husband.

Phil, that was the Wednesday night prior to the accident?

That's right.

And at no point during the evening did you leave the house?

No, I was watching TV the entire evening.

And what about Jeff?

Well, him and Mona had a fight earlier that night.

Oh. Do you recall what was said?

Yeah, he said she was an embarrassment to the family and then took off.

Oh, the kid was lit up like a damn Christmas tree. I've never seen him so drunk.


Hi, Bob.

Ye-yes.

Bob.

I was talking to Ellen earlier and, uh, she told me you were worried about your finances,

and I just...

You know, you and I are practically family now.

You shouldn't have to bear that burden alone.

If ever you want to talk, or get something off your chest...

Well, I appreciate that.

Just imagine that you're Annie and I'm "Daddy" Warbucks.

"Daddy" Warbucks. Yeah.

Or I'm Auntie Mame and you're little Patrick.

Huh?

Well.

Now, tell me something, Bob.

What did you think about Mona Dearly?

Mona?

She was, uh...

[GLASS BREAKING] She was the worst person that I ever knew, I guess, in my entire life.

Hey, how are you doing, Mrs. Dearly?

I just came to give Jeff his pay.

How come you're all dolled up?

I'm taking Ellie to dinner theater. Come on, come on.

MONA: What you gonna see? Oh, Calcutta.

Come on, what you doing? Get over here. Give me my money.

Yo, what is this?

Trying to tell me this is what I busted my anus for?

For 287.50?

It's always 287.50.

Mom, he's totally trying to rip me off.

You holding out on us, Calzone? Where's the rest, ya dick?

Looks to me like he's wearing it. Yeah, nice shoes.

This is a joke, right? JEFF: You're a joke.

BOBBY: You guys are kidding, right? MONA: Kidding?

You feel like laughing? Laugh at this.

Hey.

Yeah, kick his ass, mom. You're paying for that headlight.

Hey, what are you doing? Get out of there. You'll pay for that headlight.

Take it out of Jeffrey's pay. Yeah.

[ALL CLAMORING]

MONA: Let go! What are you doing?

BOBBY: God! This is... I mean, enough is enough.

All I ever wanted was... A nice professional business so Ellie and I could have a-a...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what this is?

This is the world's smallest tambourine.

And it's... And it's playing some sort of song or something.

Shut up! Shut up! That's a violin, you asshole.

Give me that thing. Give me that.

I think it's time we... We started talking about dissolving the business.

I mean, it's nothing personal. It's a business decision. No way.

Don't even think about it, scumbag.

As I see it, you got two options.

Buy us out, or pray for an early death.

[GLASS BREAKING] Go enjoy your dinner theater.

But, I mean, you know, she probably had her good points too.

Well, most people have two sides.

Well, she just showed me the one.

[LAUGHTER]

[COUGHING]

That Jeff Dearly, man. What about him?

You gotta hand it to him.

Hey, Jeff, what's your handle?

Hey, Jeff.

Hands up.

Hey, speaking of which, guess what I heard.

[SCREAMING]

That's not a logging accident.

What's the difference? What's the difference?

Why, what did you hear?

What about that fishing accident?

[GURGLING, GROWLING]

[CRUNCHING, GROWLING]

Are you serious? See?

Wow.

[MUFFLED NOTES]

It's a terrible loss.

It's a terrible loss.

♪ What a void in my life! ♪ Okay, all right.

Father Tom, it has been difficult.

Father Tom, it has been difficult.

It's been really hard. [LAUGHS]

Hey, Jeff, come on. We don't want to miss this. Let's go.

Yeah, right.

♪ Well I never been to Spain ♪

[SCRATCHING]

♪ But I kind of like the music ♪

♪ Say the ladies are insane there ♪

♪ And they sure know how to use it ♪

[SNIFFING]

♪ They don't abuse it ♪

♪ Never gonna lose it ♪

♪ I can't refuse it ♪

♪ Well I never been to England... ♪

What's wrong?

Nothing.

What did your dad want to see you about?

Nothing. He just asked me some questions about Mrs. Dearly.

What about her? What kind of questions?

Just about the accident.

What does he think? He doesn't think anything.

Really? I mean, you'd tell me if he said anything?

For Christ's sake, Bobby!

All right, I'm sorry. I don't... I don't care.

I don't know why I'm asking you. I just...

With Jeff not at work, you know, I'm shorthanded.

I'm just... Really tired.

What did you want to talk to me about?

Forget about it.

Do you imagine the Dearlys were like us when they were our age?

Uh.

No, she was always fat.

[SNORING]

Yo, what time is it?

Uh, 8:30.

Jesus! I'm dyin' over here.

Keep in mind, we're remembering a lifetime.

Yeah, all right. Ten more minutes then.

Aw, to hell with it. Let's go.

Hey, Cubby.

Me and Jeff don't think there's much point hanging out.

In...

In my experience, wakes aren't very well attended.

I've found that often times...

The tragedy is so recent that...

That loved ones are... In effect paralyzed...

By their grief.

Hey, hey, listen. Who are we kidding, huh?

No one's gonna come. Not with the game on.

Oh, shit. I got money on that game.

Yeah, you and everyone's mother.

[LAUGHING]

Hey. I thought you were coming by.

Yeah, you know... Yeah. Hey, Jeff.

Yeah, hey, Rone. Yeah, you know I can't say your mom was good people.

Hey, are those pies fresh over there? No.

FEEGE: Hey, Phil. Hey, Feege.

Shame about Mona. Oh, yeah. Well, you snooze, you lose.

Hey, guys, how you doing? All right? Bonsoir.

Bonsoir. JEFF: Yo, can we sit down already?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just take that booth over there.

PHIL: Thanks, babe.

RONA: What?

[BELL DINGS]

Good evening, friends. Oh, Jesus, Cubby!

Hey. You've got a...

You've got a...

You've got nice pictures in here.

I appreciate that. Thank you. Yeah. Where is everyone?

Jeff and Phil are at the palace getting some grub, Ah. but if you care to look at the deceased...

Sure.

Wow.

Yeah. She looks so peaceful.

In death one finds serenity.

I guess.

[SNIFFING]


[CAMERA CLICKING] CUBBY: Beautiful. Dynamite stuff.

That's fantastic.

[BELL DINGS]

Hey, Wyatt.

Hey, Cubby.

Some turnout.

Yeah.

So, who showed up? Uh.

Jeff. Phil.

Bobby and Ellen...

Stopped by about an hour ago.

Otherwise, it's just been me and my dinner date.

Tell me something, Cubby. You notice anything odd lately?

You mean other than the fact that no one seems to care about this woman's death?

Along those lines. Hell, Wyatt, I've seen people more upset over losing change in a candy machine.

[LAUGHING] Who says you can't catch nothing in the river?

You know, Feege is right. FEEGE: Of course I'm right.

We should show a little respect.

Jeff, why don't you say a word?

Jeff. Huh?

Jeff, why don't you say a word? About what?

About your mother.

All right.

To mom. And yeah, she was kind of mean, but she was still my mom.

Someone had to be.

[ALL LAUGHING]


MURPH: All right, everybody. Let's hear a nice round of applause...

...for our final contestant, Mona Dearly.

All right, nice grouping. Nice grouping. Hey, everybody.

Give her another round of applause.

Now we're awaiting the judges' decision.

The judges are deciding...

...who will win the coveted...

"Golden angel."

The winner...

Of the Verplanck's knife-throwing contest is...

Bobby Calzone! Oh, my god!

I never win anything. MURPH: I know.

Just a goddamn minute.

You didn't vote for me.

Well, sort of... What do you mean, "sort of"? They all say, "Bobby."

Really? Phil, you're my husband.

You're supposed to support me.

Yeah, but Bobby had really good form though, hon. Thanks, Mr. Dearly.

You're welcome, Bobby. Mona, we're just having a little fun here.

"Fun." I lost, Wyatt.

I'm a loser. Does that sound like fun to you?

Well, Mona, I'm sorry that you lost, but...

Yeah, it's just a lousy little contest. I know.

Everybody can't be a winner, Mona. But I've never been a winner.

I've never had my chance. You're blowing this out of proportion.

It's just a knife-throwing contest. Yeah, to you maybe.

But not to me. I really wanted this.

Just for one day... One day... To be a winner.

To have everybody look at me and say, "Yo, way to go, Mona."

Would it have killed you to let me take home that prize? Huh? Huh?

Just for one day to let me feel good about myself?

I don't know what to say. BOBBY: Mrs. Dearly.

You can have the trophy. I'm gonna have a second chance.

Why don't you take that trophy and shove it right up your ass, Calzone?

Mona, Bobby's just trying to help.

I don't need his sympathy.

You know, my mother used to say...

If life gives you potatoes, make potato salad.

Well, life handed me a whole pile of shit.

What am I supposed to make out of that?

Shit salad?

Just shut up.

The whole pack of youse, just shut up.


FEEGE: ...and it won't be the last one.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Feege. Shh.

Feege. Come here.

Look, I've been thinking.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Don't. Don't.

Listen to me. Just listen to me.

Jeff Dearly's key chain is on a rack in his kitchen.

Great. Wonderful. But where is it supposed to be?

I have no idea. Why don't you tell me?

Hanging from the ignition of the victim's car.

Well, what about Mona's keys? That's what I'm saying.

Mona's keys are on Jeff's key ring in the kitchen.

Jeff's keys are on Mona's key chain in the car.

So, what, somebody switched their keys?

Definitely.

No, no. I don't think so.

Oh, you don't think so? Wyatt, Wyatt, as far as I'm concerned, ding, dong, the witch is dead.

End of story.

Eh, one less ain't gonna kill her.

It's kind of weird, you know, seeing the tombstone and all.

BOBBY: "Demoted wife, mother and dressmaker."

I didn't know your mom was a dressmaker.

Me neither.

Guess what.

They're calling Mona's accident a case. Ow.

Which means they don't think she died because of some slippery road.

So?

So that means there's an investigation.

It means they have leads.

Phil, I watch A&E. I understand the way a cop's mind works.

See, they see you standin' here and touchin' me... And the next thing you know, there's the background check and the profile and the psychological workup.

I just came for lunch.

Phil, these are smart guys.

These are really, really smart guys. They have tools.

Tools? Yeah, of the trade.

So, what are you trying to say?

Just stop being so damn conspicuous, would you please?

Okay. Good.

I'll see you later at the charm. Yeah.

Stop it!

♪ I've been a bad boy ♪

♪ I've been a bad boy ♪

♪ Ah ha ♪

♪ I've been a bad boy but I don't mean that your mine ♪

♪ Some folks drink whiskey ♪

♪ Some folks drink gin... ♪

Want something? Light beer, please.

Hey, Bobby.

So, Chief Rash has been snooping around a bit.

What do you think he's looking for?

Hard to say, Phil. What do you think?

Been getting much sleep lately, Bob?

Yep.

Any nightmares or bad dreams?

No.

Listen, there's a lot of talk going on.

You know, the kind where things get said, fingers get pointed, landscapers get incarcerated...

Hold on a minute.

Before you say anything, I want to say something to you.

You did the greatest favor anybody's ever done for me.

I just came by to say thank you.

Thank you, Bob. Would you like a beer? I'll have one.

Can I have a beer, please?

Cheers.

Fingers get pointed.

Fingers get pointed.

Landscapers get incarcerated. Landscapers...


[VOICES ECHOING]

MONA: Look at the little kiss ass.

Peaches.

Get out of my sight. Peaches.

Pray for an early death. Don't...

Laugh at this. Ah.

ELLEN: Bobby, he ran over it with a lawn mower. [BARKING]

[ECHOING] ...a lawn mower, a lawn mower.

Peaches! Don't do that! Don't! No!

No! Peaches! [SCREAMING]

[GASPS] What's the matter with you?

What are you doing here?

Listen, I was trying to tell you something last night and...

What? Wait.

It was a mistake.

I mean, she wasn't supposed to die.

Excuse me?

I don't know what happened to me. I just... They were driving me crazy.

Every single day they were haranguing me and I...

What are you talking about? I just snapped.

I thought I was killing Jeff.

I tried to puncture the... Just, I didn't know I was puncturing things.

But I thought it was Jeff's. I didn't know...

What did you do that for?

You killed Mona Dearly. I know.

But why?

Because. I thought I was killing Jeff.

Bobby, my dad is the chief of police!

I know, but I wasn't gonna go through with it.

It doesn't matter. You killed someone!

I know, but I was doing it for us.

Jeff was killing the business, and Mona wasn't gonna let me out of the partnership, so I...

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

A good idea at the time?

Cut the grass at 6:00, lay sod at 7:00, drown the Dearlys at 8:00?

But I was doing it for us. It was for us.

It was for our perfect life 'cause everything that we wanted...

Well, that's just great.

I'm sorry. Yeah, well, I'm pregnant.

What? You're pregnant?

Mm-hmm.

It's mine? Mmm-hmm.

That's fantastic.

Yeah, I thought so too until about a minute ago.

Oh, man. I can't believe this. I mean, how could you, Bobby?

We're not killers, we're good people.

I wasn't gonna go through with...

But you're not even supposed to get to that place.

You're supposed to have that thing that goes off in your head that says, "Bad fucking idea, Bobby!"

I have that thing. I have it. It just didn't go off.

I'm sorry. Please.

Please, I love you. I'm so sorry.

Man, I can't believe you killed someone!

[SHOUTS]

Where are you going?

Home.

We need milk.


Hey, chief. Please come in.

Thanks, Phil.

Have a seat.

[SIGHS]

Thanks for coming by, chief.

What's on your mind, Phil?

Well, it sure seems clear to me that my Mona was a victim of an act of treachery, and there's no doubt in my mind that she's been murdered.

What makes you so sure?

I saw it happen.

You saw it happen?

Now granted, this ain't easy for me to say, and it's something I should've said before.

You've been playing Wheel of Fortune with someone else!


I would've told you before, but when family's involved, you know, I mean, things can get a little dicey.

Hmm.

Well, I appreciate your discretion.

Phil, what can you tell me about Rona Mace?

Rona? Mace. Yeah.

Oh, well, that's, uh...

She's, uh...

She's a good friend who's been real supportive since the tragedy.

Was she supportive prior to the tragedy?

Hey, chief, I've, uh...

You know, I may not have been happily married, but I did take an oath.

♪ It's the weekend ♪

♪ And I know that you're free ♪

♪ So put on your jeans and come on out with me ♪ [BELL DINGING]

The usual, madam? If you'd be so kind.

♪ I need to see you come to me ♪

♪ I need to have you near me ♪ Good luck on your free spin.

♪ You and me ♪

♪ On my motorbike ridin' ♪

♪ In the sun and the wind and the rain ♪

♪ I got money in my pocket ♪

♪ Got a tiger in my tank ♪

♪ And I'm king of the road again ♪

♪ I'll meet ya ♪

♪ In the usual place... ♪

♪ I'm a wheel watcher I'm a wheel watcher ♪ Hoo! I want it, baby. Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Free spin, honey.

Free spin.

PHIL: ♪ I'm a wheel watcher ♪ RONA: Oh, please. Will you just cut the shit and get down to business?

PHIL: Okay, okay. Can I buy a vowel?

You know what, Phil? I've really been a good sport about all of this.

I really have. I've really tried to do what you want.

You wanted to buy an "O," so I let you buy a vowel. I did.

Because you wanted to buy a vowel.

So I let you buy an "O".

But that wasn't good enough. You had to have the free spin.

You wanted to have the, you know, trip to Acapulco.

Well, you know what? You landed on bankrupt, buddy.

But I wanna solve your puzzle.

Please. Please, Phil. I beg you.

Please tell me that I didn't spend all this time with you to end up like this.

Don't do this!

I'm a 33-year-old waitress...

At a friggin' diner that doesn't encourage tipping.

Thirty-three?

What the hell are you doing here?

Uh, well, that's, uh... Well, you know, me and Rona here...

Phil, Jesus Christ. Be a man.

Jeff, whatever you think is happening in here is happening.

You're cheating on mom?

Mom's dead, son.

Oh, but baby, how could you do this to me?

Uh, e-excuse me. Did you just say "baby"?

CUBBY: Keep it down over there! I'm paying by the hour!

Hey, you shut up!

People! Please! Have some respect!

What is the matter with you?

You're gonna get your... You're a dead man, Dearly.

I gotta get the hell out of this joint.

[SIGHING]

Hey, what's this?

Oh. I thought we'd celebrate the baby, but I'm not really in the mood right now.

[DOORBELL RINGS] Who's that?

What am I, Dionne Warwick?

[KNOCK AT DOOR] Hang on!

Dad! Hi.

Hi! What are you doing here? Hi!

Good to see you. How you doing, Mr. Rash?

Bob. What's that?

Oh! Uh...

You might want to sit down for this. We're pregnant.

[LAUGHS]

Congratulations, grandpa.

Oh. Oh, honey.

That's just... That's great.

[ELLEN LAUGHING]

BOBBY: Thank you. ELLEN: I know it's sooner...

Than we thought, but we're in love, dad.

Starting a family's all we've ever wanted.

It is. I love you, baby.

I love you too.

Come on, dad. Have a drink with us.

[SIGHS]

So, how's the...

Police force coming? Going?

I understand you don't cut the Schneiders' lawn anymore.

No, sir. Not since Jeff killed Peaches.

Jeff killed Peaches?

I thought it was the other way around.

That Peaches killed Jeff?

No, that you killed Peaches.

Me? I loved Peaches.

Poor Peaches. I can't believe you did that!

It was in the way, all right?

You were chasing after it with the lawn mower. Like you never killed a dog.

BOBBY: And now we lost that account. That's right, blame me...

Just like you blame me for everything else. Look, Jeff, if you keep losing the accounts, we're not gonna have a business.

And then how am I gonna take care of Ellen?

Are you trying to screw up Jeffrey's business?

Huh? Huh? Mrs. Dearly, you're hurting my neck.

What are you doin'? Don't touch my mom!

What do you think you're doing touching my mom?

What, are you nuts? You tore my overalls!

Hey, hey, Jeff, I don't think that's a...

That's just your problem, Phil. You don't think!

I've had it with you, Calzone!

What's that supposed to mean?

You'll see. Trust me, buddy. You'll see.

And... You said "overalls"?

Yeah.

Hmm.

I need to know one more thing, Bobby.

I need to know where you were Wednesday night.

Uh, at The Hideaway.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm at The Hideaway every night.

Well, I mean, not-not every night, but...

Well...

Yeah, I'm-I'm there every night, so...

So, yeah, I was there.


Hi, Valerie.

Got a flat? You need a hand?

Hey, how ya doin', Mr. Rash?

Oh, that's some shiner you got there.

Oh, no, it's nothing. Well, it's not nothing.

I got clocked in the eye Wednesday night at The Hideaway.

Wednesday night?

That's... Ellie never mentioned anything.

I don't think she knows about it. Her and Bobby weren't there.

So what happened here?

I was just driving when all of a sudden the tire blew out.

Pulled off the flat and I found this.

Where do you suppose that came from?

"JB Landscaping."

She was a lousy driver. It probably caught up with her.

I was a battered husband.

This car was done to death.

FEEGE: Ding, dong and the witch is dead...

End of story.

PHIL: I would have told you before, but when family's involved, you know, things can get a little dicey.

I don't think she knows about it. Her and Bobby weren't there.

I'm at The Hideaway every night.

JEFF: Bobby Calzone did it. LUCINDA: ...fixed to kill.

Look, Jeff, I am sorry if I hurt your feelings and everything.

It's just, I don't know, I kind of thought that if your dad and I got married, you know, maybe the three of us could... What, live together...

So you could bang the both of us?

Well, sort of.

Look, Rona, I can't do this.

I been going crazy all day just thinking about you and that freak Phil.

Look, if you're worried about me and Phil getting married, you know, forget about it, 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

Well, then, why don't you marry me? Come on, Jeff.

I mean, come on.

Be serious.

I'm totally serious.

Look, I know I don't got no ring or nothin', Rone, but...

But I love you, you know, and like, like, I always loved you.

And, well, you know, if I lived a life without you, it just wouldn't be a life worth living.

Come on, Rone.

Can we play Wheel of Fortunenow?

♪ Gimme that, gimme that gimme, gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that gimme, gimme that ♪

♪ Gimme, gimme, gimme that thing ♪ No. Stop.

♪ Oh, gimme that, gimme that, gimme, gimme, gimme that ♪ Stop!

Stop. Phil! ♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that gimme, gimme that ♪ Phil! Phil! ♪ Gimme that thing, gimme that gimme, gimme that ♪ Ooh, Phil! ♪ Gimme, gimme gimme that thing ♪

[SNORING]

Where you going?

I can't sleep. Go back to bed.

Okay.

Hey.

Don't kill anyone, honey.

Okay.


[WHISPERING] Murph. Murph.

Excuse me, Murph. Murph!

Give your daddy some sugar.

It's Bobby. Murph! Wake up.

Cuddles? No. It's Bobby.

I know that you think I killed Mona, all right?

But the truth of the matter is that I might have done something...

That, uh...

Murph.

[SNORING] Murph.

Hey. Hey.

Murph! I touched her once! One time. That's it.

Listen. Hey. I need you to do me a favor.

Can you cover for me?

Hey.

Yeah, I'll cover for you.

[SNORING]


Hey. How you doin', Murph? MURPH: Hey, chief. How ya doin'?

Good. I'm fine. Murph, I wanted to ask you...

A couple questions about Bobby.

Uh, I ran into Valerie, and, uh, she had the black eye thing going there. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you know, chief, it's terrible times we're living in...

When a gal can't even go get a beer...

Without getting clocked in the eye, you know? [LAUGHING]

Yeah and she said that if Bobby was here the other night, he would have kept her from getting beat up.

So he wasn't here, is that it?

No, no. Bobby? Bobby was here. No, he was here.

He was here. He was, uh...

Picked a hell of a time to go to the bathroom!

JEFF: What's the matter?

What? Nothing's the matter.

JIMMY: Drowning. Terrible way to go.

TONY: Yeah. Yeah.

Rather take a bullet in the head. Sure.

Rather get thrown right off a skyscraper.

Yeah. Thrown in front of a truck, or...

I had a dog drown on me once. No kidding.

She couldn't paddle. You think they can all paddle, but...

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

[BOTH MUTTERING]

We're gonna have to go in now, you know. Yeah.

Oh. Oh. Chief. Yeah.

Oh. Well, get him out.

What are you standing around for? We were just trying...

...to preserve the integrity of the crime scene. Forensic disturbance of the...

It's water. Get him out. Right. Right.

Okay. Okay. We're going in. Here we go.

[RASH] Go on. Here we go. Let's go.

All right. Here we go. Okay. And up!

One more. And up.

Up. Up.

Yeah.

This used to be such a nice, quiet town.

He was a battered husband. Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Okay, chief. All right. Don't go anywhere.

Who found him?

Hi, Clarence.

I see you took a little dip in the water, huh?

Every once in a while, a fella's gotta cool himself off.

Mmm.

Yeah.

So you want to tell me what happened?

Hi, Murph. How you doin', Ellie?

Not bad.

[HUMMING HERE COMES THE BRIDE]

Guess who's a bad swimmer. Hmm?

Guess who sleeps with the fishes. What do you mean?

Phil Dearly wound up on the wrong end of the proverbial beverage.

Murph, speak English for Christ sakes. What happened to Phil?

They found him this morning, dead in the water... So to speak.


[TIRES SQUEALING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR] RASH: Ellie!

Ellie!

[WEEPING]

[CRYING] Where's my dad? What's the matter?

What's going on, honey? Where's my daddy?

Calm down. Slow down. Take a deep breath. [SOBBING]

What's going on? [LOUD CRASH]

I just found out. Murph told me.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay.

[TONY] No, no. I can't.

Bobby's a murderer! Not today. No. Not tomorrow. I can't.

No. I can't do it. Yeah.

You got problems, dude. Huh?

Look, I covered for you long enough.

Come on, man. The bodies are starting to pile up.

Bodies are piling up? Get in the car.

Get...

Okay.

Hey, Murph. How you doing?

A shitload better than your dad.

BOBBY: What happened to his dad?

MURPH: What are you turning into?

Whose body is it? A serial killer on me?

Have you seen Ellen? Mmm-mmm.

No? Rona.

Don't go anywhere because you and I need to have a little dialogue.

[BELL DINGS]

Where you going? I'm getting the hell out of here.

Listen. If Phil calls, you don't know where I am.

Oh. Didn't I tell you?

Tell me what? Phil's dead, honey.

Phil's dead? Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, I... I told somebody.

We're getting married Sunday.

It's gonna be okay, sweetie.

Try to breathe. Okay. I gotta go.

The closer we get to the wedding, the more people he murders.

I mean, what's up with that? [WAILS]

Like, I've heard of cold feet, but Jesus, Lucinda, I can't marry a murderer.

That's not who I am. That's not what I'm about.

Shh. It's gonna be okay.

Oh, I really appreciate you doing this.

That's what friends are for.

Yeah? Yeah.

Yeah. It's okay.

Everyone says weddings are stressful. RASH: Ellie.

I just... I didn't see it coming.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Maybe we should have eloped, or maybe I pushed him too hard with the boneless breast of chicken and all.

Sweetie, don't do this to yourself.

The thing is, if he really did kill anyone, it's just 'cause he loves me.

I'm not saying it's okay.

It's just, that's how committed he is, you know? To the relationship.

Sweetheart, there are other ways to show you care. I know.

I know. I just... I love him so much, dad. I know you do.

I'm gonna sort this whole mess out. All right?

Okay.

Was mom like this before you guys got married?

That was a little different. How's that?

Well, no one died then, honey.

Right.

Dad? Yeah, baby?

You're not gonna tell him about Lucinda, are you?

Of course not.

Besides, I experimented a bit when I was your age too.

Hi, Jeff.

Hey, Rona, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing, Jeff?

I'm getting the hell out of here. You want to give me a hand?

Oh, that's very funny. You didn't think "stumpy" was funny last night.

Look, Jeff, what about last night?

What do you mean, "what about last night?"

[SCREAMING] Phil!

I told you to stay away from her! You're gonna pay for this!

You got the short end of the stick, Phil. She don't love you.

Hey, it ain't the meat but the motion.

You don't know how screwed you are.

All of youse. You, Rona, Bobby.

I'm gonna expose you all.

Jeff! Give me a hand! Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Why don't you friggin' swim home?

Oh, what, you think I killed him?

Glub, blub, blub, blub, blub, blub.

I'm not gonna stick around and wait for the autopsy.

So, what, you're leaving me? Is that it?

Look, Jeff, no offense? Your family is whacked, man.

[SCOFFS] All right, fine.

Fine. I'm leaving then. Okay.


This is double-o two. Come in, double-o one.

Yeah, go, Feege.

Hey, chief, you remember Rona Mace?

Vaguely.

She's about a heartbeat away from scratching gravel.

RASH: Did you say "scratching gravel"? Copy that, chief.

Get Tony and Jimmy over there. I'm on my way.

Hang on, honey.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Hey, Murph. Rone.

Hey, Miss Mace, seen Ellie? No.

What? What's the matter?

[SIREN WAILING]

Has he apprehended him? Stay calm.

JIMMY: If we take him down... I didn't do it!

Put your hands down. I didn't do it.

Put your damn hands down. I didn't do it.

I didn't do it either. Put your damn hands down.

I didn't mean to kill her. Listen. Just keep your mouth shut.

Move over here and shut up. Where you goin', Rona?

I'm owed vacation time. I find that highly unlikely.

Listen. No son-in-law of mine is gonna go to prison, you understand?

Hey! In case anyone gives a shit, Jeff Dearly is over at the cemetery with a gun to his head.

Holy, shit!

[GROANS]

All right, nobody move, all right?

Tony, Jimmy, just... Keep everybody here.

Feege, you come with me. Come on!

RASH: Stay here! Stay calm, all the residents.

Don't let them move. TONY: You got it, boss.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

[SIREN WAILING]

[ENGINE CRANKING] Come on, baby, come on!

[SIREN WAILING]

[ENGINE CRANKING]


JEFF: Don't move any closer, sheriff! I swear to god I'll do this.

No, no, no, no, no! He's not a sheriff.

Look, Jeff, I know how upset you are about your dad.

To hell with him! Everyone knows he's not my real daddy.

Then why are you doing this?

'Cause she said she was gonna marry me.

Who? She said she was gonna be my wife.

I don't know who you're talking about. Rona!

I love her! I love you too, baby.

I told you to stay put!

Jeff, honey, please don't make me a widow before we get married.

Do it, Jeff! Do it!

Don't do it! Don't do it! Don't do it! You've got your whole life...

Ahead of you... Well, unless you choose to blow your brains out, but...

Jeff, don't... Don't do it.

I know you all think I killed my parents.

We don't think you killed anybody. You're full of shit.

Everyone knows I've been wanting to get back at her...

Ever since that night.

Hey, ma, there's no more beer. Give me some of yours.

Don't touch that beer, Jeff. Oh, come on...

I said... [SCREAMS]

[ALL GROANING] JEFF: Was I so wrong?

You bet your ass! Yeah, but I didn't kill her.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm glad she's dead and all, but I sure as hell didn't do it.

Jeff, I know you didn't kill her.

I didn't kill my dad neither.

Then why don't you give me the gun. 'Cause my life sucks, man!

ELLEN: Don't do it. It's not gonna feel good. Give it a whirl.

You shut up! You know what?

To hell with all of youse. This is bullshit.

[CLAMORING]

RASH: No! No! Give...

[GUNSHOT] [CLAMORING]

I'm all right.

Is anybody hit?

No. I'm all right. I got the gun.

Come back. You got it?

Okay. All right. You all right?

Yeah. TONY: Everything jake here, chief?

Just securing the circumference.

[GROANS] Come on. Come on.

Come on, you little baby.

Come with me. Am I in trouble?

No. Listen to me very carefully.

I want you to remember every word I say.

I spoke to Clarence earlier, and these are the exact words he used.

I'm deeply hurt.

How do you mean? All this talk about Ellie's wedding...

And I wasn't even invited. Of course you were invited...

You and your wife. I'm married?

Clarence...

Now, what the hell's going on?

Oh, you mean with the damp clothes and the hair?

That's a start.

That's 'cause just last night I killed, uh...

Jeez. What the hell's his name?

Phil Dearly.

I killed Phil.

[GASPING, COUGHING]

Hey, Clarence, give me a hand!

Come on! Hold on, buddy!

Hang on.

[GASPS]

Any reason why?

Any reason?

Well...

[THUNDER CRASHING]

You know the night in question?

I was seeing it all go down, and I got to tell you, it didn't look good for Bobby.


Phil Dearly knew that Bobby tried to kill Mona.

Bobby wound up in the hoosegow...

Pardon? The jug, the can, the coop.

If Bobby got thrown in the pokey, what kind of life would that be for Ellie and the baby?

How did you know she was pregnant?

The point is, I just couldn't sit there and let Phil Dearly...

Take down the only decent people still left in this town.

Well, thank you, Clarence, for the thought, but...

You still did a very, very bad thing.

To bad people.

So you punctured the fetzer valve.

Phil cut the brake lines, then he switched Mona's keys...

And drove the final nail into her coffin.

I don't know what to say, Mr. Rash.

Don't say anything, Bob. But know this...

I will die before I ever let you ruin my daughter's life.

I will hunt you down, chasing you to the ends of the earth, pursuing you relentlessly...

Until I am satisfied that you know what it is to suffer the wrath of god.

You will welcome the relief that death will bring.

Got it? Got it.

I just want us to be happy, Bobby.

You, me, Ellen, the baby...

We're gonna be like the Von Trapp family.

You know, The Sound of Music?

The family from Austria with Julie Andrews...

And all the little kids singing?

♪ La, la, la, la ta-da, ta-da, ta-da ♪ Come with me.

Marriage is an institution not to be entered into lightly.

So, is there anyone here who feels that this couple should not be joined in holy wedlock?

Last chance.

Okay, so be it.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

In nomine patrius et filius spiritu sanctus. Amen.

[BELLS CHIMING]

Come on, what are youse waiting for? I'm dying here.

I love you. I love you too. [LAUGHS]

[APPLAUSE, CHEERS]

WOMAN: Congratulations. MAN: Way to go, Bobby.

♪ If I was the king of the world ♪

♪ Tell you what I'd do ♪

♪ Throw away the cars and the bars and the wars ♪ Where's your date?

I don't have a date. ♪ And make sweet love to you ♪

What are you gonna do afterwards?

Nothing... Unless somebody dies.

♪ Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Joy to you and me ♪ Congratulations, you two.

Hi. Uh...

Well, Clarence, buddy, it's, uh, it's time.

You ready?

Things good, Cubby? Yeah. How about you?

Okay. ♪ You know I love the ladies ♪

♪ Love to have my fun ♪ [PAGER BEEPING]

♪ I'm a high night flier and a rainbow rider ♪

♪ A straight-shootin' son of a gun ♪

♪ Listen I said a straight-shootin' son of a gun ♪

♪ Now sing it ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ All the boys and girls ♪

♪ Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea ♪

♪ Joy to you and me ♪

♪ Ooh joy joy to you and me ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ All the boys and girls ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪

♪ Joy to the world ♪ [FADES, ENDS]

♪ Bury me under saltwater ♪

♪ Bury me under the sand ♪

♪ Bury me under the ocean ♪

♪ But bury me with your own hands ♪

♪ Bury me under the desert floor ♪

♪ Maybe somewhere near the Rio Grande ♪

♪ But if you bury me beside you ♪

♪ Maybe then I'll understand ♪

♪ Bury me inside a subway ♪

♪ In a station no one knows ♪

♪ Bury me where no one finds me ♪

♪ But bury me in my own clothes ♪

♪ Bury me under a mountain ♪

♪ Bury me under the flames ♪

♪ Bury me with muddy waters ♪

♪ Under 21 feet of Mississippi rain ♪

♪ Oh in your sand ♪

♪ Somewhere ♪

♪ Near the Rio Grande ♪

♪ Bury me in your hills ♪


♪ Bury me by the old town ♪

♪ And every summer near the mouth ♪

♪ Let a warm wind surround me ♪

♪ And carry my body south ♪

♪ Bury me with all your guilt and sorrow ♪

♪ Bury me in the back lane ♪

♪ Just bury me beside you ♪

♪ Under 21 feet of Mississippi rain ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Your sand ♪

♪ Somewhere near the Rio Grande ♪

♪ Bury me in your hands ♪

♪ In your hands ♪

♪ In your hands ♪

♪ In your hands ♪

♪ Bury me ♪

♪ Bury me ♪

♪ Bury me ♪

♪ Bury me in your hands ♪