Drunk Parents (2019) Script

MUSICIAN: Here we go.

(DRUMSTICKS CLACK) One, two...

FRANK: You guys wanna story?

(BAR PATRONS' DRUNKEN CHEERING)

Yeah, I got a story. A fuckin' doozy.

BAR PATRONS: Is this the one where you say you own Facebook?

Starts like this. On the seventh day, God rested.

(DRUNKENLY) I love God. He's my favourite God.

Yeah, but he's God, so he knew that if after six days of crazy you got to rest on Sunday.

Rest every day.

But what about those poor bastards going through six days of crazy, not knowing that the seventh day is going to be a day of rest, or just another day at the shit storm?

(LAUGHING)

Those are the poor bastards we should toast.

ALL: To the shit storm!

Who knows, maybe a couple of angels come along and nudge him in the right direction.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

This is the story of Frank and Nancy Teagarten.

Their seven days started on the morning they dropped their daughter off at college.

FRANK: Wow.

Seems just like yesterday I was pushing you on the swings in Gardner Park.

NANCY: Yeah.

And now, look at our college girl, on her way to becoming a veterinarian.

FRANK: Now, baby. We're just a phone call away, five hour car ride away, 50 minute plane ride away.

NANCY: You know we're there for you, anything you need.

You have our numbers.

RACHEL: Yes, I practically have them memorized.

NANCY: Good.

But, don't call after 10:00 pm cause we'll probably be asleep.

That was a joke. You know that was a joke, right?

(LAUGHS) I love your jokes, daddy.

NANCY: Do you like your bed?

Yeah.

We should have gotten her a better mattress.

How come we didn't think of that?

Know what this room needs, is a Medeco lock.

Medeco makes a very sturdy lock. Yeah.

And what's with this co-ed dorm? Why are we doing that?

She's in a co-ed dorm, whose idea was that?

That's wrong.

I love you guys so much.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

(ACOUSTIC GUITAR PLAYS SOFTLY)

(LARGE BELL TOLLS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(KID CUDI'S REVOFEV PLAYS)

♪ Let go, life does get tough ♪

♪ No need to stress, ♪

♪ Hold you back too much, ♪

♪ Let's go I heard they found a solution ♪

♪ Where will you be for the revolution? ♪

♪ Woah woah, woah, woah ♪

♪ Woah woah woah woah ♪

♪ Woah woah woah woah ♪

♪ I say to kids ♪

♪ Wake up, things might get rough ♪

♪ No need to stress, keeps you down too much ♪

♪ Wake up, I heard they found a solution ♪

♪ Where will you be for the revolution? ♪

♪ Where will you be for the revolution? ♪

It's gonna be okay.

Which part?

All of it. I promise.

(TOW TRUCK WINCH WHINES)

Can I help you?

DRIVER: Sorry, guys. Gotta hook it up.

NANCY: Shit!

What, now?

Hey, man. I'm just doing my job, all right?

We just dropped our daughter off at college, and we've been really, really busy.

I'll send a payment in a few days.

Look, it's not me, it's Volvo, okay?

They don't fuck around when it comes to a lease. Okay?

I just need a little more time.

There is a back story, here.

Always is, brother. Always is.

Would you like to hear it?

(SIGHS)

All right, shoot.

I started a medical company.

Put everything we had into it, making a medical innovation that's been adding years to people's lives.

(LIGHTER CLICKS)

We rolled the dice hard, but we believed in it.

Then there was a problem.

Small, but enough for some news stories.

They started calling us "controversial," which is the toughest word in our business, and it's been bad dominoes ever since.

Now, our daughter doesn't know at all about this.

We've been holding it together until she went off to college, and now we're gonna hold it together until we get back on our feet.

What do you make?

What, salary?

Product.

Artificial heart valves designed for transfemoral placement, which means...

Dual leg artery. I know.

You know what I used to do before this repo shit?

Paramedic.

Oh!

Yeah. People used to be glad to see me show up.

Yesterday, I had to take three child seats out of the back of a Lexus, lay em out on their lawn, like I was setting up for some goddamn baby Lollapalooza concert, The Wiggles or some shit.

Remember them? No.

Fuckin' Yum Yum Fruit Salad.

I got kids. It was sad.

Shit. Okay, look.

I'll tell em you weren't here.

But the most I can get you is days, not weeks.

All right?

So, if I were you, I'd find a way to put some loot in my suit.

Sell some crack, or I'll be back!

(LAUGHS)

(FORCED LAUGH)

(FORCED LAUGH)

FRANK: Thank you.

NANCY: Thank you.

Finally a break.

(JAZZ SAXOPHONE PLAYS)

FRANK: What about the, uh, lamp in the den?

It's broken.

So, we sell it as-is, or we fix it?

We don't fix things, Frank, we only ruin them.

BERT: Hi guys. Having a yard sale?

Uh, no, Bert. Our living room puked all over our yard.

What?

Bye.

(DOG WHINES)

NANCY: Oh, look, Frank.

A two thousand dollar Breville Oracle espresso machine.

And we just had to have it.

But we never even took it out of the damn box.

Just be happy that the thing is still in the box, it's worth two thousand dollars, one eighth of that is a, it's a car payment.

Why did we get all this stuff?

Stuff, stuff, stuff everywhere, and I can't even afford to get my roots done or get a bikini wax.

JASON: Hey, guys. You're having a yard sale?

NANCY: Hi, Jason.

No, Jason, our house got hit by a tidal wave.

Just ours. It's a freak of nature.

Heh, well I'm glad it was yours.

Cause, salt water, it's like kryptonite for the wheelchair.

Jason, are you making a handicap joke?

I'm sorry, I thought...

Cause...

I'm the one in the... Uh, Rachel called me.

It sounds like she made it off fine.

So, the two of you were trying to make the long distance thing work? The odds are against it, Jason, and she's ambitious and you live at home.

NANCY: Frank...

FRANK: Yes?

Don't pay any attention to him, Jason.

(WHISPERS) He's been drinking.

Well, I'd better be off to work, so...

FRANK: Hey Jason, do you wear your Staples uniform under your clothes like Superman, or do you go home and change at your mom's, where you live, with your mom?

(LECTURES IN SPANISH)

(ARGUES IN SPANISH)

Can't understand the whispered Spanish.

Mr. Teagarten, I'd really like to get along with you, even if Rachel and I are eventually just friends, nothing more, 'cause I think you guys are amazing people.

Thank you, Jason.

Have a nice day.

FRANK: Enjoy the ride.

(SLAP) Ow.

Ah, cause of the wheelchair. That's... have a nice one.

(CHEESY RINGTONE)

Nigel, how's it going over there in London, huh?

Are they still driving backwards?

NIGEL: What are you talking about?

(LAUGHS) You know what I mean.

You know, sideways, the cars, the street?

Have you been drinking?

Oh, that's hilarious.

Seriously.

(LAUGHS)

Listen to me, I am gonna be travelling for a while, all right? I'm gonna be gone to Nepal, I'll be gone for about four months, I'll be off the grid.

Oh, that's weird. Hey, listen, Nigel, while I have you on the phone, I think I need to ask you for more money to watch the house.

Cause I'm over there like three days a week.

What are you talking about?

It's not that hard to watch my house.

I live right next door to you.

I can get the kid down the street to do it for free, just so he can go in and watch cable. Jesus.

What did he say about more money?

I don't think he's into it.

I'm going to Nigel's for a minute.

(GROOVY SPY MUSIC)


No.

(CHEESY RINGTONE)

Hello, this is Frank.

Oh, hi. Uh...

Yes, I am going to pay you soon.

No, I don't know when, but your credit card is very important to me, so I...

Yes, I know that, but...

Well, I do want to work with you, so how about this?

I'll send you the credit card, and you just shove it up your fucking ass. Does that work?

(CLICKS OFF)

(GROOVY SPY MUSIC)

Yes.

Yes. Yes.

NANCY: Absolutely not.

It's a Chateau Latour.

It's worth 800 dollars.

Have you lost your mind?

Wait a minute.

Since when did you start smoking?

Just now.

Ha. Great timing.

Just when we can't afford it.

Nigel has hundreds of bottles of wine.

He doesn't need more wine.

He needs a punch in the face, but not more wine.

Would you please have some decency?

You're supposed to be looking after his property, not parting it out like an old Chevy.

What?

What's next?

You gonna put an ad on Craigslist and rent it out?

Rent out his house?

Rent out Nigel's house?

On Craigslist?

(BIRD CAWING)

That's insane.

Stop changing the subject.

Put that bottle of wine back.

Right now.

Shame on you, Frank.

(DONOVAN'S "HURDY GURDY MAN" PLAYS)

♪ "Hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy, hurdy gurdy gurdy" he sang ♪

♪ Here comes the Roly Poly Man ♪

♪ He's singing songs of love ♪

♪ "Roly poly, roly poly, roly poly poly" he sang ♪

(DRUNKENLY) I love this album.

Are they still called albums?

Albummmmmms...

See Dee Dee Dee Dee Dee...

See Dee Dee Dee Dee...

(LAUGHS)

You know the Filipinos?

Bob and Teresa?

From the Philippines.

They used to strap coca tree bark to their bodies before they went to battle.

The cocaine would leech into their bloodstream, and get them amped up to help them overcome the fear of war.

Frank, we're at war.

I don't think we can get our hands on that kind of bark.

We ran out of vodka.

I wonder what Rachel will listen to in college.

What music will transport her back to her youth, back to a time when her whole life was in front of her.

(INHALES DEEPLY) I don't know.

I only know I'm sad about that vodka.

(CORK POPS LOUDLY)

Fuck it.

La Tour baby!

Whatever happens probably will.

Let's finish it inside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Starts getting better tomorrow...

(SINGS) When I'm stuck with a day that's Grey, and lonely, I just stick out my chin and grin...

(HEAVY THUD) Oh.

And saaaaay...

The sun will come out tomorrow

(SINGS IN SPANISH)

You're only a daaaay aaaawaaaaaay!

FRANK: Haha, you fell on your ass, baby.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(RECORD PLAYER CRACKLES)


CARL: Excuse me.

Hi. (LAUGHS)

What can you tell me about this house?

I'm sorry?

There was a rental ad for this house on Craigslist, but no one's answering the doorbell.

An ad on Craigslist?

Yeah.

For Nigel's house?

No, somebody named Frank?

The ad's gone, it was flagged for profanity.

Okay, wait. Back the fuck up.

Let's start over. What?

Well, there was an ad, "For rent, big beautiful fucking house furnished up the ass." Obviously, I was intrigued.

Are you okay?

Not even in the ballpark.

(CART CLATTERS)

Four dollars?

Four dollars for a zucchini.

And these people won't even grease the wheels of their shopping cart.

(LOUD CLATTERING)

Fuckers.

HEIDI: Nancy?

Are you okay?

Oh, you.

Heidi, hi.

I'm fine, it's just that I saw a spider, and I tried to get it.

My foot got stuck.

Um, are those box wines in your cart?

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

No, I'm juicing.

How are Chip and the kids?

Oh, Chip pulled some strings and got Carter into Yale.

He won't light up the world but he won't blow it up, either.

Ah.

Oh, totally off-subject, did you hear about Lisa Chang?

No, Lisa?

She and Andrew split up, younger woman, yadda yadda, you know the drill.

But, Lisa is working at Macy's now.

(GASPS)

At the perfume counter.

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

She's waving those little smelly cards in people's faces.

She gained ten pounds.

And she's about to gain more.

Because you have to be rich to be skinny.

All the cheap foods are the ones that pork you up.

The sugars, the carbs, the corn syrup.

I do not understand why the more preservatives and chemicals they put in the food, the cheaper it is.

And the food that just comes out of the earth, it's so expensive.

Bastards!

It's those hippies, They see they're so going

"hey Dude, look at this zucchini, man.

It's so beautiful, a gift from mother earth.

How much should we charge for it?"

"Uh, I dunno, $4,20? Heheheh."

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

(LAUGHS)

Okay, bye. Bye. Nice to see you.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh my god, oh my god.

Frank.

I think I'm having an anxiety attack, and...

Wait, what?

(FUNKY DANCE MUSIC)

(CAR ENGINE ROARS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Is this a joke?

But when?

The cheque?

No, the ad.

It must have been last night when we were drinking.

I thought you did it. It was all your idea.

My idea?

Frank, I said it to make a point about how we don't do anything stupid like that.

Don't you remember?

I don't remember us polishing off that Chateau Latour, but we did that too, right?

I remember that.

I remember pulling the cork, it made that pop sound like the crunch sound Eve probably made when she bit the apple.

Baby.

It's six months in advance, his name is Carl, and for what it's worth, I think he was sent from God.

Frank, do you understand what this means?

It means an entire year of Rachel's tuition.

Thank you Jesus!

Does this mean we're gonna celebrate?

Heck yes.

But...

I got to do something first.

I'll be right back.

(SEDUCTIVE MUSIC)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

CARL: Hi, Frank.

Hey. Is that Dave Brubeck on the stereo?

No.

Too bad, I love Brubeck.

Especially back when Stan Getz was on tenor sax.

Getz did the soundtrack for Micky One, which is my favourite Warren Beatty film. I wanna say '65, '66.

Warren Beatty was a handsome boy.

Got all the lady women. Right?

But you know, Micky One's not for everyone.

You have to be patient.

Unlike Star Wars, that really trucks along.

Right? Same with Dances with Wolves.

Kevin Costner, he was definitely...

(CLEARS THROAT POINTEDLY)

Carl, that was bizarre, and I didn't follow any of it.

Is everything okay?

Oh, it's...

I love the house.

Ha, I'm being rude. This is my good buddy Joe.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, less of a buddy and more of a parole officer.

I beg your pardon?

Frank, uh, as a new neighbour, I'm "legally required" to tell you that I'm a registered sex offender.

Come again?

Wow, really? (LAUGHS)

Really what?

I was, I was kidding. You said "come again" and I'm a sex offender. It was a joke.

JOE: Carl's a class 3 offender.

He has to notify any resident within a designated area.

So we'll be going house to house.

It's kind of like trick or treating, except we don't get candy, we tell people I'm a pedophile.

I'm sorry, I'm having trouble with my ears.

There's a really loud sound to them, like a, like a roaring crashing ocean, so...

What the fuck did you just say?

Baby, tell little Frank that I'm here, that I'm ready...

Baby, get away from the door.

(SCREAMS IN SPANISH)

Wow. Frank.

You really did well.

FRANK: I did not see that coming.

NANCY: Good. I'm glad you didn't plan this.

Gotta burn down the house to cook the pig.

What?

I'm saying "I did not see that coming."

Oh, look. They're going to the Templemans.

Nice people, the Templemans.

Their lawn is always so green.

I've always wondered what they use.

Maybe you can call Carl. You know, the fucking fucking sex offender, and ask him to ask them.

(HEAVY SIGH) Probably magnesium sulphate.

You realize we're going to jail, right?

No. Nigel will never press charges, I've pulled his fat out of the fire too many times.

Like last month, his smoke detector was beeping, I changed the 9-volt, didn't even charge him.

Snap out of it, motherfucker. We're going to jail.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't forget your prescriptions and anything else you might need for the next few weeks.

Frank, help me.

Hold this bag. Hold this bag.

Do you really need all these panties and such, Hun?

No. I'm gonna hide them in the attic.

I don't want him going all over my lingerie.

The word is "cumming," Honey. Cumming.

I don't give a damn.

I do not want his DNA on my private things.

Baby, we really don't know what he did.

Then you should hide your panties, too.

Hi.

Look, I know I should have said something, but it's not like I told you I wasn't a registered offender.

Oh my god, he just said that.

I saw his lips move and everything.

Carl. Part of me would like to punch you in the face right now, but another part of me would like to kick you in the balls.

Which do you prefer?

Uh, thanks. I normally don't get a choice.

But I, I don't know anything about your house.

How do I know your house is as nice as this house?

Our house is gorgeous.

Carl, you don't have a choice.

Our house could be a shack cantilevered over hell's septic tank, and it wouldn't matter.

You either move into our house, or you're back on the street because you cannot stay here.

I guess I could just get my 25 grand back and find another place.

You know what?

Fine with me.

Because I'm not even sure that I want you in my house, sleeping in our bed, inside our sheets, where I sleep naked all the time.

Ugh.

And what if he finds our home videos?

Didn't I tell you not to film that?

Maybe I can make this work.

Let me run something by you.

The Swedish Duxiana mattress.

I haven't been able to sleep one night in it.

I'm not really interested in mattresses normally, but this is my one time for this mattress, and I'm not even a mattress guy.

You want the mattress, Carl? Yeah.

Are you out of your fucking mind?

You're not getting the mattress.

Have you ever had your head examined?

What's in there, pop tarts?

"I'm not even a mattress guy." Jesus H Christ, Carl, you are not getting the fucking mattress.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

CARL: Why are we going through the backyard?

Why is the sky blue?

Cause sunlight is refracted by dust particles in the air and blue is the dominant colour of the spectrum?

Did you learn that in the 5th grade, or from a 5th grader?

CARL: Ouch.

NANCY: Baby, only you would think of turning Nigel's pool into our own private drive-in.

FRANK: Maybe I'm losing my mind.

(SIMULTANEOUSLY) Awww.

NANCY: Look at her.

That was Rachel's 5th grade play.

She was so good. Rachel was the best thing in it.

I'm being objective. I mean, compared to Rachel, the rest of these kids were all laughable.

Their screechy voices so hard on the ears.

NANCY: Ah, and there it is.

Janice's grand unforgettable party.

Your sister only threw that party to prove how rich she is.

You know, I was in a 98 cents store today.

(SIGHS) I bet you anything that Janice would never set foot in one of those.

That's only because she married Dan, not because she's any smarter than you.

Do you remember when we went together?

You were craving Baby Ruths.

I just had to have that Baby Ruth.

On a hunch we bought that pregnancy test and eight months later, along came our little Rachel.

To Baby Ruths.

To Baby Ruths.

(CHEESY RINGTONE)

(FAKE ENGLISH ACCENT) Hello?

Mr. Teagarten's not at home.

I'm sorry?

He owes you money?

Well, I'm his butler, not his accountant, you fucking arse.

(MASTERCARD AGENT YELLING)

(CLICKS OFF)

(CLEARS THROAT)

That was Mastercard.

Frank, why don't we sell our funeral plots?

We can get what, 2,000 dollars at least, right?

Shit, baby, I'm sorry.

School wanted a dorm deposit.

Well, how lovely.

I actually have to pee really badly right now, and I would normally do it right here in the pool, but I don't want to make our problems any worse.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Is that you, Carl?

MASKED MAN: What's up, pervert?

(KARL, MUFFLED) What the hell is going on here?

(HEAVY PUNCHES) Nancy, Nancy, call 911!

Who you talking to?

Nobody.

There's nobody else here.

(HEAVY PUNCH)

Oh my god.

NANCY: Run, run, ISIS has come!

I am neutral!

Put me down! Put me down!

(ENGINE REVS)

(TENSE MUSIC)

(GUN COCKS)

You know what this bitch was doing when I grabbed her?

Staring at a little girl in a leotard.

(MUFFLED) That was my daughter.

The law won't protect our community from deviants like you.

We will.

So if we see you anywhere near 112 Blue Jay...

(SHOTGUN FIRE) (MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(CROWS CAWING)

NANCY: We just escaped death.

They thought you were Carl, because Carl gave out Nigel's address.

(FRANK YELLS) They thought I was Carl because he gave out Nigel's address.

That's what I just said, why are you screaming?

(YELLS) The gunshots.

My ears are, you know.

You know how you know when your life is out of control?

When there's a ringing in your ears and you don't know if it's a creditor calling or a kidnapper has fired a shotgun six inches from your head. (LOUD TRUCK HORN)

Is that Spanx over tights?

Yes, I'm double Spanking.

Do you have to scream it to the world?

Cause right about now, I'd like to have a pair of really tight Spanx around my fucking neck.

NANCY: No, Janice would never understand.

But she's your sister.

She will ask too many questions.

Our car broke down.

Right.

And I'm barefoot because we have the Flintstone's car, and I peddled it like Wilma.

What's your guess on his net worth?

I'd say at least a hundred million.

It's as high as two hundred million.

No, that's too high.

At least a hundred million.

He's definitely well fed.

Please, let's go.

She'll never buy our bullshit.

And you can't tell her, or anybody else for that matter.

That's how this falling from grace thing works.

People find out, they look away, they avert their eyes.

Especially our friends.

Are they really our friends, then?

Nancy, I'm too tired to have a deep conversation right now.

But no.

No, Frank. Why are you forcing me to do this?

I cannot take this shit right now.

I'm going to get an anxiety attack.

Not Betty.

Okay, I understand you didn't want to stay at Janice's, but now you don't want to stay at this sister's house?

But we have nowhere to go.

Carl's in our house, we can't go back to Nigel's because those psychos said they'd kill us, we don't have any credit cards, you're barefoot, and I feel like hell.

Of course you do.

Cause we're almost there. That is hell.

It's like we're in Kansas, and we're about to get sucked into a tornado and drop into an inferno where Oompa-Loompa's on speed are the gatekeepers.

FRANK: Baby, I'm going to need some time to sort through all those analogies. Besides, it's not that bad.

Just smile a lot.

See? Smile.

Like this.

Let's see how long that lasts.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi Tristan.

Hi Tristan.

TRISTAN: Why is she barefoot?

Uh, Tai Chi. It's very relaxing.

Uh, can we come in?

I guess you could come in.

Dad, Uncle Frank and Aunt Nancy are here.

FRANK: That's a really cool walkie-talkie.

Yeah, well not to me. My fucking dad won't spring for the Ace 10s, which are way more badass.

Hmm.

Navy Seals use Ace 10s, they also use cool martial arts like Krav Maga and cool shit like that.

Tai Chi's for homos, but you probably knew that.

Smile, Frank.

Oh, hi Trey.

TREY: I wish.

My walkie talkie is dead as a used dick.

You have any 9-volt batteries?

Me? Can I search you?

What? Nothing.

Dad, for god sakes, what is this, a Becket play?

When did this turn into Waiting for Godot?

That is quite a reference for a young lad.

Yeah. I'm Vladimir and he's Estrago.

It's Estragon. Bullshit.

Dad, chop-chop, the small talk is getting a little thin out here.

BOB: All right, I'm coming, I'm coming, don't get your panties in a wad.

All hail Lord Douchington.

Hi, Bob.

Hey, you made it. How's the trip?

Found everything okay?

TREY: Douche.

Hey, that's TV for a week, pal.

Señor Douche.

Yup.

(FURIOUSLY) God.

Delightful.

Hey, so Nance, how come you're barefoot?

You ain't going hippie on me, are ya?

(LAUGHS WEAKLY) Yeah.

I'm like Wilma Flintstone.

Fred was the one who drove.

Wilma just rode shotgun.

She drove sometimes.

So, uh, they're termite tending your house? What?

Well yeah, we tried to sleep in the den, but there were all these fumes, and then it was like we were back in the 60s.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I wouldn't know. I'm way younger than you are.

Hey, but I do know the tending game.

We got spiders.

When those spider eggs pop, those little spiders come out, they start biting everything like crazy.

Smile, Frank.

Heh.

Oh, yeah. Do I sound defensive?

FRANK: No.

Is Betty coming down?

BOB: I was telling Frank on the phone, she's laid up with diarrhea.

Accidentally made a sandwich out of cat food.

Well, don't worry about us. We had dinner already.

I think I'm gonna go see how she's doing.

Hey, hey, hey.

You don't wanna go up there right now.

She's on the throne, blowing brown, if you catch my drift.

I caught it, yup.

Hey, but like I said, you two are welcome to bunk in the twins' room.

TRISTAN: (ON RADIO) Our room? Why not your room?

Because you two can sleep on the couch tonight. Over.

Ever hear of a Motel 6? Over.

Hilarious.

BOB: I'm just gonna show you to the room, hopefully we won't get lost.

(WHISPERS) Let's do this every month.

Sorry, fellas.

Sorry enough to go away?

Wow.

The bed is small.

If you're gonna do any stuff on it, just wash the sheets after.

Will do.

It's gross.

Are we talking about the same thing?

I'm serious.

I'm sure you are.

Do we have a problem?

I don't think so. Are we done now?

Yeah. I think we're done.

Did you know that you can hack into baby monitors?

We're teaching our neighbour's baby how to say the N-word.

(GASPS)

Nancy, would you join me outside for a second?

Yeah.

You understand now what I was talking about?

Except the Oompa-Loompa's are not on speed, they are on angel dust.

How did we get so lucky with Rachel?

We communicated with her directly, not through some CB radio. Let's start there and reverse engineer it.

I was thinking, we rented Nigel's house to Carl but we had to move him over to our house, which means that Nigel's house is still empty.

I say we rent Nigel's house again...

Frank!

Only this time to somebody who isn't a sex offender.

Or, why don't we just handcuff ourselves and walk straight into the police station, Frank?

This place is filled with spider webs.

Well, as you can see, they don't clean.

The original Craigslist ad is still on my phone.

I say we post it again.

Are you not listening to me, Frank?

Absolutely no fucking way.

This is where we draw the line.

Baby, I don't know what's on the other side of that line, but I do know what's on this side of that line, and it is bleak.

Okay, here's the original Craigslist ad.

Don't you dare. We delete some of the bad words, I think you were drunk at the time.

I was drunk at the time?

And it is done.

You just posted it again? Aaaah, Frank!

You just smoked a spider!

(GAGS)

Give me the Heimlich!

(GAGGING)

(BABY CRIES)

MAN: What the hell's going on? You woke up my baby.

BOB: Frank, I get it, you smoked a spider.

But can you keep it down?

(GAGS) Hit me in the back.

(YELPS) Not with the shovel!

MAN: Natalie, tell your kids to stay off my baby monitor.

BOB: It's your fault for having a baby monitor.

It's an attractive nuisance.

NANCY: There it is.

(BREATHES HEAVILY) Frank, are you okay?

Do you want another cigarette?

(GROANS) Are you all right baby?

(GROANS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(FAKE CRIES)

Dad, come quick.

Why is Uncle Frank doing this to me?

Oh my god.

Yes?

Frank!

My god.

BETTY: What is going on?

Nancy, are you naked?

No, I'm not naked. It's a shirt.

BETTY: Tristan, what are those?

It's Aunt Nancy's Spanx, Uncle Frank made me wear them.

Now stop this.

Frank, how could you, he's just a boy.

(CRIES) I'm so scared right now.

Oh shit.

Jesus Christ.

Betty...

TRISTAN: She just stuck her tongue out at me. (CRIES)

Frank, downstairs, now.

Who are you?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

NANCY: You know what, Frank?

It's not pleasant to be mistaken for a sex offender, and molesting your nephew in less than 24 hours.

But right now, I feel sorry for my sister.

I am actually really worried for her.

As you should be.

Pretty soon, some court appointed therapist is going to be white knuckling with those two kids.

I see that your sister calmed down enough to lend you her wig, huh?

Uh, yeah, I don't know whose wig is it, in that house.

Well, it helps us hide from the kidnappers.

Hey, are you Wayne, the guy that answered the ad?

WAYNE: Yeah, yeah. I'm Frank.

What are you two, in the witness protection program?

No, we were just sunning ourselves in the backyard.

Is that your truck, Wayne? Yeah.

Oh that's fantastic. Step inside and we'll just take a look at the house. Okay?

The ad said the house comes furnished?

Uh, yep. It only needs a mattress. Long story.

The previous tenant took it.

Short story.

Okay then. I wrote you a cheque.

You uh, that's it?

You don't want to have a look around?

It's not to be an asshole.

You want to rent the place or not?

I mean, I got shit tons of stuff to do.

Yes, uh, no, uh, sure.

It's just that normally there's a process.

We learned the hard way to ask questions.

(CRACKLING NOISE) Did you hear that?

What's that?

Good lord.

Oh, there's something on my face.

No, don't touch your face! Don't panic.

You're covered in spiders.

Jesus, baby don't move.

(SCREAMS) (COUGHS DRAMATICALLY)

Agh, they're crawling on my body.

(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY) Get them, get them!

They're biting me, they're biting me!

(SCREAMS) They're biting me, get them out!

(SCREAMS)

Get them out!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMS IN SPANISH)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY)

Oh Frank, what have I done?

Tell my Rachel I love her.

FRANK: You're not going to die, you're not going to die.

You hear me? Woah! Woah!

Stop scratching yourself, don't antagonize it, for god sake's.

Nancy! You're gonna be fine, the doctors will give you an ointment.

Hold on, hold on.

God I hate spiders, don't you?

Wait, there's another one. (HONKS) Woah!

(FLAMENCO GUITAR)

♪ Kickin' up a storm, black clouds of Grey ♪

♪ Interstate 40's backing up fast ♪

♪ Look to the east, no relief in sight ♪

♪ Pull yourself together cause I gather we might ♪

♪ The river's gone wild, the river's gone wild ♪

(BUSTLING CITY AMBIENCE)

Oh. (LAUGHS)

Tyler, how are you?

(TYLER LAUGHS) Uh, Frank, how are you?

I'm on the right side of the grass my man, what's the happs?

No offence Frank, but how did you get in here?

This is a restricted access garage.

Well, I still have my Jensen parking pass, and I have an interview today up on 16 with Gretina.

Gretina's not on 16 anymore, Frank.

What floor are they on?

They moved to Seattle.

(LAUGHS) Well, don't remind me, cause I'm dying for a Starbucks, but the meeting is on Skype.

I'm gonna Skype to uh, Seattle.

Don't, don't.

Don't Tyler, don't give me that look.

I know that look. Please.

Everything's fine.

Everything with us is okay.

Honey, you remember Tyler Rector from Jensen Med?

Baby, can you hear me?

(FRANTIC MUMBLING)

How can I help?

FRANK: So that's the long and short but the silver lining is that, at least for now, we don't have to worry about Rachel's college.

But, we're homeless.

Wow, that's quite a story.

So all this started with one mistake?

NANCY: With a bunch of smaller ones shooting off it.

Kind of like when a spider egg pops, and all these little spiders come and bite you in the ass.

Are you gonna eat that?

No, please.

Thank you.

Listen, guys.

I know someone.

His name's Randall. Let me give him a call.

Frank, he might have something for you.

It'd be a start.

FRANK: Tyler, that would be great.

And we also still have Wayne's cheque.

We can always cash that.

Frank, if you cash that cheque, then it's no longer one mistake.

It becomes a pattern.

Exactly. That's what I've been trying to tell him.

But Tyler, desperation is a bitch.

Thank you so much for everything that you've done to help us.

So, you guys have your work cut out for you.

Just remember, grass can grow through concrete.

Did he say your ass can grow through concrete?

No, no, the phrase is "grass can grow through concrete."

Could I give you that, please? Do you mind if I...?

Thank you.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

NANCY: Nancy, you're gonna be all right.

(SCREAMS, SQUEALING TIRES)

Don't panic, Nancy.

You're gonna take a hot bath.

You're gonna get fresh clothes, you're gonna do your hair and makeup.

In three minutes you'll be yourself.

(TIRES SQUEAL) What the fuck?

FRANK: Thank you for taking this lunch, I know you're busy.

RANDALL: No, of course.

Tyler called me, told me a little about your background.

Well, I hope he exaggerated in all the right places.

(LAUGHS) (CHEESY RINGTONE)

That's my wife, I'm sorry.

Hi honey.

Dammit Frank. We're cursed.

I am at Nigel's house, and everything is gone.

They took my purse, my phone, Nigel's furniture.

That guy Wayne was all wrong, and we knew it.

Now fuck it, they stole everything!

I see, uh.

That's uh, yes.

That's great.

Thanks for calling, and we'll celebrate later, okay?

I'll see you. Bye.

No, no, don't hang up.

You okay?

Uh, yeah, it's all good.

My wife just got an article published in Omni magazine.

Great.

Omni must be feeling good too.

Be back up and running.

I'm sorry?

They folded about two decades ago.

Wow. (LAUGHS)

Man plans and God laughs, right? I mean-

Everybody's got a plan until you get... punched in the face.

Jesus.

Sorry, Frank.

I'm sorry.

No, no.

I'm Frank, you're...

Randall. Randall. Right.

I'm sorry. Can we start over again?

Sure.

Hi, I'm Frank.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

For God sake!

Carl! I just need to get a few things.

(SIGHS)

(DOG DOOR CLATTERS)

(STRUGGLING GRUNTS)

You come in my house, you come in my house, you like that?

You like that?

(SCREAMING)

I'm sorry, my gosh, did you change your hair?

(CLUBBY ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

I'm so sorry about the pepper spray, I thought you were an intruder.

Not that you look like an intruder.

I'm against profiling, not that I necessarily would want sushi from a redhead, I prefer an Asian chap, if you know what I mean.

Why didn't my key work?

I had the locks changed.

You what?

You can't change our locks.

Carl?

Oh, um...

This is not your house, Carl.

I, look...

What are you wearing?

What, this?

You know what, I uh, I got you guys a key.

Um.

Uh, there you go.

What the?

The wood's so you don't misplace it.

Carl.

This is not a gas station.

What is wrong with you?

Whatever.

I just need to get some stuff from my closet.

Your closet?

Wha-what is this?

I mean, what is this?

Where's my stuff?

What have you done with my closet?

I made it into a panic room.

You can't do that, Carl.

Remember, this is not your house.

Did you ever see the Jody Foster movie?

And please put a shirt on.

I, I've been really nervous lately.

People have been ringing the doorbell all day asking about the yard sale and then I was really scared when I saw the video on the internet of you and Frank being kidnapped with a shotgun.

There's a video on the internet?

Nancy, you're the best part of it.

You came across really real.

I was real, you dumb fuck.

(DOOR BEEPS) Uh, we're locked in.

Did you say "catalytic converters?"

Frank, I know it's not a sexy business, but catalytic converters are like mini treasure chests.

We snip them off the cars, smelt em down and sell off the expensive metals.

Palladium, rhodium, platinum.

Most cases, cat cons are worth more than the junk cars themselves.

(LAUGHS)

You mean I would crawl underneath the car, and snip them? That's the job?

Listen, Frank. I'm gonna be honest.

I could use the extra hand but I don't need the extra hand.

Tyler told me you needed a leg up, this is what I got.

I'm really glad you're here.

Me gusta.

(SHRIEKS)

Ugh, aw jeez. That was...

Ugh.

That was...

If you ever try anything like that again, I am gonna kick your ass up and down this panic room like an air hockey puck.

Oh, okay.

(GRIMACES)

(LAUGHS)

Thank you virgin, for making Carl such a breathtaking moron.

You forgot about the attic hatch, Einstein.

Hey, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

I guess I misread your signals.

What signals?

God, your legs are so strong.

I guess it's from running track, huh?

I saw your medals.

How did you find my medals?

They were hidden in the garage.

Yeah, way back there.

And you should really hide them better.

You were the fastest on the team, but what I don't understand is, in the relay, why did you run fourth?

Shouldn't the fastest runner go first?

Maybe you weren't the fastest.

I was the fastest.

That's not the way it works.

When you're the fastest, you...

Oh, what am I doing, why am I talking to you?

Please help me out.

The bottom line is, I'm interested.

And I, I work hard, and I take any job I do very seriously.

Okay.

Here comes the cold water.

We can only offer you about a third of what you were making.

Tyler told me your ballpark salary.

You did very, very well.

A third?

Listen, I wish it was different.

I used to make high-end five figures over at Brent Talbot, then the fan hit the shit.

Now, I got a sales staff of guys longing for the days of Hugo Boss suits and paychecks with commas in 'em.

Frank, you think I like crawling around in the dirt snipping smoke sacks?

Shit, some days I look at one of those cat cons and think

"I'll just wrap my lips around it, take a deep breath, go meet some dead relatives."

How old are you? 65?

66?

Anyways.

Guys your age got to adapt or die.

That's the new America. Trust me.

I miss the old one, brother.

Uh, will you excuse me?

I'm fairly positive I need to use the bathroom.

Get your hands off my ass.

You said push.

I said push, not fondle.

Watch the thumb.

Do you do squats?

It feels like you do squats.

(GROANS) You made it.

Now, lift me up.

I get claustrophobic.

No, no.

First you have to tell me what you did.

And no lies, no bullshit.

You have to tell me, or I'll leave you there.

You'll rot. And I'll just come and sprinkle some lime just to mask the smell.

I... you might not understand.

True.

It's a roll of the dice.

(SIGHS)

I was swimming in the ocean, I was in the water for a couple hours.

I...

I had to pee, I took off my shorts, then I felt something brush against my leg.

I knew it was a shark.

I knew in that moment, and I know to this day it was a shark, and...

I started swimming to shore, trying not to panic.

I saw that there were some kids swimming there.

So I was carrying three of them, trudging and tripping and yelling for help.

The kids were screaming, I thought they had seen the shark.

They hadn't, they, um, they were frightened of me, a naked guy.

My life... (LAUGHS) got pretty hard after that.

It's true, isn't it?

Yeah.

It is.

You say all these crazy stupid things.

But when you suddenly say something without bullshit, Now I know it's true and good.

But just in case, I'm gonna leave you there until after I take my shower.

Oh, you know what, there's some... shampoo in my purse on the kitchen counter.

Oh, I refilled your birth control pills.

You were running low.

(DISGUSTED) Ha!

(TRUCK HORN)

No, no, no, no... No!

No! No!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMS)

MAN: All you perverts out there watching, this might happen to you.

(GUNSHOTS)

You might die!

What the?

DANIEL: Holy shit, it's him. The guy from the video!

No, this is a mistake.

(GUNSHOT) Die!

Dude, you're like the No. 1 trending pervert on the internet right now.

My god, why is this happening?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECH) (HONKING)

(SCREAMS)

Stop the truck, Wayne.

Shit, you again?

You have my furniture.

Oh, it's not yours, that house wasn't yours, and the furniture definitely wasn't yours.

Pull over, Wayne, I need that furniture.

You know what you're gonna need? You're going to need to go to a fucking hospital, that's what you're gonna need.

I'm gonna put you in jail, Wayne.

Oh, you don't have the balls to call the cops.

You suck at this crime stuff.

You know what I'm gonna do?

You ain't gonna do shit.

Wayne, I'm gonna throw a rock at you.

I pitched in college.

You probably caught in college. Dickhead.

Oh shit...

(YELPS) Son of a bitch.

(HONKING)

(GROANS)

MAN: Holy shit, are you okay?

You hit a fucking pedestrian.

(BIKE BELL CHIMES)

(50'S SAXOPHONE MUSIC)

Sorry, Wayne.

Hey! Hey!

Get back here, you asshole!

What fresh hell is this?

Dios mio!

No, no, no, I didn't...

Ohm...

Ommmm.

FRANK: Shit, shit. Now what?

Frank! Shit!

Panic room! Car gone!

Keep walking, the cops.

Found Nigel's stuff, don't look over.

It's in the back of the truck. Don't look over.

COP: Excuse me.

Hi. Are you Mr. Bathgate's neighbours?

FRANK: Yes, officer.

Yeah, we got a report of a burglary at his house, suspicious activity. Have you seen anything?

A burglary? What, at Nigel's house?

Good sweet Christ, what is happening to our sweet little neighbourhood?

Uh, are you okay sir?

No.

I'm devastated beyond reason.

Sweet Christ.

You know, I wasn't into that.

NANCY: Never?

Not really.

Not even in a school play or anything?

Yeah, I was never into drama.

I mean, sure, in the third grade I played a teacup.

Why all the questions about acting?

You think I came across as fake?

I think there's better acting every time Larry King says

"til death do us part." That's very funny.

You wanna hear something else that's funny?

There's a video of us getting kidnapped on YouTube.

I know.

You don't know how many times I've fantasized about getting rid of you for at least two months, but now that I'm going to yail, I'm going to be devastated without you.

You're going back to college?

You know that when I say "yail" I mean prison.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Using his mother's house, and by that I mean his mother's garage.

I'm sure Jason's home, rubbing his mother's feet or something.

We know you're in there, Jason.

NANCY: Hi.

Oh, hey, hi Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten. Is that... actually, I wasn't hiding.

Is everything okay?

Why wouldn't it be, Jason?

It's just that you've never been to my house before in like two years and it's what, 10:00 PM?

Actually, it isn't okay, and you can help.

Rachel's always saying that you're some kind of computer genius.

She says I'm a computer genius?

That's very sweet.

I'm sure it was like a throwaway, like an aside, you know, "he's a computer genius" you know, just like saying...

Oh, you know what, I bet it's cause she knows it's on my dream boards to become a computer genius. I bet that's where that came from. Did she actually say that, like in an email, or was it in person to you just...

Jason! This isn't about you!

We need your help with a video of me and Nancy.

Okay.

So you want me to make a video of you guys?

No.

Get your mind out of the gutter!

Good lord Jason, you take the cake.

It's so much more fucked up than that.

(GUNSHOTS) Die!!

Look at this. This is insane.

When did this happen?

It feels like in another lifetime.

Yet also like Tuesday.

Okay, well, we have to call the police.

No, no. No police.

It was a misunderstanding but everything's okay now.

It was a hiccup.

A hiccup? You being kidnapped?

A hiccup. It was a hiccup. A hiccup.

You don't call 911 every time you have the hiccups do you, no.

I mean, maybe you do, but I don't.

Listen, Jason.

We don't want Rachel to see this.

She would only worry.

That's why we must take this down.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shouldn't be a problem.

Although, these guys should be punished though, cause they cannot do that. Especially to you guys. I mean-

(SKYPE NOTIFICATION)

Oh my god, okay, that's actually Rachel Skyping me right now.

We're not here.

She'll know there's something wrong.

We would only be here with you if we were desperate.

No, no, I want to see her little face, even if it's for just a second. We can hide, she won't know we're here, please, please, please.

All right, go ahead.

JASON: Really? Okay.

Yo, hey Rach. What's up?

I can only talk for a few minutes.

Jessie is a great roommate, but she's throwing her third party in four days, and she's...

Jason?

Are you okay?

What? I'm fine.

That's... how about you?

(SIGHS) Well, actually, I'm a little worried.

My mom called, and I tried calling her back, and she's not picking up.

(NERVOUSLY) Oh, uh, that's, you know.

It's her, cause her phone, it's um, her phone is broken.

You saw her?

Yeah, they had a yard sale yesterday.

A yard sale?

No, that's.. I'm sorry, "yard sale," what's... no, they were, cause they were in the yard, so...

I ran into them cause I took a shortcut.

Um, to, to go to work at Staples, where I am the assistant manager.

This is weird. Mom always calls me right back.

This isn't like her.

Well, it could be 'cause she's singing and dancing, and also blowing someone.

Uh, her birthday. Isn't it her birthday pretty soon?

Oh of course, poor mom.

Jason, I should surprise her.

I'll come home for her birthday, she'll love that.

Yeah, yeah, they both would.

Yeah, they would both love that for sure.

You should come on down.

I'll try dad, he'll love it.

I'll get tulips, tulips are her favourite flowers, and I'll invite all her sisters, and everyone will be there...

(CHEESY RINGTONE)

That's funny, you hear that?

It's my dad's ringtone.

Okay, you know what, Rachel?

I really got to tell you something.

Actually, your parents...

(HEAVY CRASH)

Jason, you really are a little quisling, you know that?

Okay, he was from Norway.

(SIGHS) I felt terrible lying to Rachel.

I understand, because you never know when the lies are going to stop and they just keep coming. Pushing you out of the way, taking over your life completely.

(SIGHS) What a beautiful street.

Do you have raccoons?

Yeah, sporadically. (LAUGHS)

I love them.

Is that your guy's moving truck?

No. Well, yes, we're just trying to sell a few things.

From the back of a truck?

Eh, we're trying to finish off our yard sale.

For the truck and the computer, using that, uh, Skype thing.

Anyhow.

You mean like a virtual yard sale?

Wow, did you come up with that idea, Mr. Teagarten?

What? Uh, yeah, sure.

Anyway, thanks for your help and...

That's genius! Do you see the potential?

Not one iota. We got to run now.

Wait, Mr. and Mrs. Teagarten, I think there's something I need to show you.

For the love of Christ, Jason, what is it?

(MUSIC PLAYING)

JASON: So the park was actually built in the '50s, it kind of fell on hard times, was vacant for a while, so some friends and I we pooled our money and bought it, and we spent the last two years just fixing it up.

Jason, this is amazing.

Thank you.

This is what I wanted to show you.

All of our trailer homes have a storage space, because people are downsizing from like 3500 square feet.

These days I guess it's like that everywhere.

So this is where your virtual yard sale comes in.

You can upload streaming video and people can browse it, like in real time.

So you've got almost a live yard sale, but you're bidding like eBay online, so you call it something like YardBay.

I'm sure you've thought all this through, but I'd love to help, I can computer code it all for you.

(CHEESY RINGTONE)

Hello?

(FAKE JAPANESE ACCENT) No, Mr. Teagarten no here.

Call back later.

He in the shower now, washing his body with shampoo and honey.

He have a shingles.

(CLEARS THROAT)

That was an old fraternity buddy of mine, Clyde Drexler.

I mean, he's a fan of Clyde Drexler.

Mm-hmm.

Trailblazers.

Um, anyway, uh, thanks for the tour Jason.

This was impressive. Mobile homes and crap.

I'm sorry, that sounded patronizing.

Food for thought.

Thanks for your help with the video.

Anytime.

FRANK: Boy, Jason sure can talk.

Okay, I better call Randall and tell him I'll take that catalytic converter-job.

NANCY: Okay, I'm gonna go get a Baby Ruth.

A Baby Ruth?

Shit.

Excuse me.

Hey, I'm sorry to bother ya.

Do you have any change, or better yet, do you mind if I use your cell phone, it's kind of an emergency.

NANCY: A Baby Ruth candy bar.

CASHIER: Oh, Baby Ruth.

I thought you said Zagnut.

Uh, do you have one?

Yeah, let me check in the back.

I'll take two if you have em.

Buddy, cool off.

I'm not trying to cause any problems here.

You act like you got 50 kilos back there or something.

Oh, by the way, how much are... What? What?

Frank? Frank! Frank!

(DOOR DINGS)

CASHIER: I found the king size, is that okay?

(SCREAMS ANGRILY)

Hello? King size okay?

(YELLS)

You try that again, motherfucker?

SHOPE: I'm gonna bust your fucking head open.

(POLICE SIRENS)

COP: Everybody put your hands where I can see em!

On the ground!

Get on the ground now!

(DOGS BARKING)

(HELICOPTER THRUMMING)

COP: Jackpot.

Turns out it was 120 kilos.

COP: Teagarten. Frank Teagarten.

FBI wants to talk to you. Come on.

The FBI wants to talk to me? Why?

They think you're good lookin'. Come on.

Not you.

Are you okay?

It seems to me you're as scared as I am.

SHOPE: I'm not scared for myself.

For my daughter.

We're done talkin'.

I have a daughter, too.

Our biggest fear in life was to disappoint her.

I'm so ashamed and worried, and...

Don't be bitching to me about your rich life and your spoiled brat daughter.

You know, you're gonna be out of here in a minute, and she'll have her mommy back.

But now thanks to you, I'm stuck in here for god knows how long.

Yeah.

I will get out, but I will still be a good-for-nothing fuckup.

And that might not mean a lot to you, since it looks like you've been a fuckup for a while, but we only fucked up for one week.

One week, is all it took for us to ruin her life.

She's only 19, and now she's...

Are you kidding me?

Your daughter's 19.

She's supposed to be taking care of herself.

My Rose, she's only 7.

And now, she's all alone in the world.

She's got nobody.

(SNIFFS)

Woman, you have no idea what shame is.

Shit.

You win.

(POLICE SIRENS)

MILHOUSE: Hey, Frank.

I'm special agent Milhouse.

This is special agent Barnes.

BARNES: Weird night, huh?

Yeah. God.

120 kilos of Norteno Cocaine.

A hell of a bust.

Yeah.

You know that we had nothing to do with this, right?

Oh, so you think that we just send out our whole field office just for fun.

This is what we know.

We've been tailing Chope for three days, since he entered the United States.

Next thing we know, the three of you are in a Kwik-E-Mart parking lot free for all, so I think we've got a problem here, don't you?

Frank, if you want to get out of here tonight, you've got to convince us you're not some big rich drug lord.

Like, for real.

(CHEESY CELL PHONE RING)

(FAKE JAPANESE ACCENT) Hello? Mr. Teagarten no home, his phone went through a snow blower, and he chop his head right off.

(SLOW BLUES)

FRANK: I guess owing 300 bucks to Mastercard helped convince them we aren't Mr. and Mrs. El Chapo.

NANCY: I can't help thinking about that little girl.

Nancy, what are you gonna do?

Have her come live with us in this fucking Perri Winkle truck?

God, this day sucked.

Carl, he found my medals.

How did he find them?

He's a sneaky motherfucker.

But those medals made me remember that I used to win.

I used to have an edge.

This week, I've cried more than I have ever cried before, and for things that I would have never cried about in the old days.

It's like I've become this person I don't know, and I don't like.

Where is this headed?

(EXHALES)

We need to talk to Dan.

Why, and beg for money?

That's not getting your edge back.

That's surrendering, not winning.

Guys like Dan, they take advantage of weakness.

I'll figure it out.

I think.

I bet Rachel used to take one of those buses to school.

Long ago, back in the time when she used to look up to me like I was Superman.

(CRIES)

Oh, Frank.

BUM 1: You crying?

BUM 2: You were crying. What a pussy.

No, I'm not crying.

But if I was, it's because good god.

It's because the two of you reek.

Fuck you.

Hey, you got 10 bucks? For gas?

Wow, what timing you have, bum.

No, actually, we don't have 10 bucks for gas.

BUM 1: Liar.

That's some high-end furniture you got there, rich asshole.

Rich?

You have completely misread our situation, my man.

Oh, woah, woah. I'm not your man.

He's not your man, fish face.

(LAUGHS)

I don't think anybody's ever called me fish face before.

Good.

BUM 1: You believe this pile of fish face, calling me "his man?"

I'm not your man, so fuck you.

No, no. It's, uh, it's more like fuck you.

I'm sorry, you're not understanding what we're saying.

Fuck you.

What's your name?

Will.

What's your name?

Colin.

Will, Collin.

Fuck you.

COLIN: Fish face.

NANCY: So?

How long do we sit here for?

FRANK: I'm not sure.

(CLUNKING)

Hey. What are you doing out there?

So, what do we got here?

Where's the other bum?

Maui.

I could buy a couple of things.

Woah, woah, woah, you think this is some kind of a store?

What else would you be doing here?

Well, actually, it's kind of a-an incredible story.

Nancy! How much for the paint?

Spray paint, I'd like to huff it.

FRANK: You want to huff it?

You want to huff the can of spray paint?

You're like, the worst bum ever.

What is it, a pageant?

And you came in last.

Okay, five bucks.

Five bucks for a can of paint?

That's what I said. Five bucks, yes or no.

There's a line forming behind you.

(LAUGHS) I made you look, you fucking idiot.

Fuck off.

(LIQUID POURING)

Stop lookin at me.

Get away from the gas tank, bum.

Fuck you.

(EXPLOSION) (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

Stop and drop.

(WILL SHRIEKS) Why is this happening?

You're on fire!

Run, get the fire extinguisher!

You not gonna stop, man? He's on fire!

I don't need this shit in my life!

(SCREAMING)

Oh yeah, lie on me, get on me girl.

Oh yeah, grind me out like a cigarette.

Yeah, let me return the favour.

I'm anything but a gentleman.

Are you okay...

That's my wife, bum.

(COUGHS)

She got on me, dude.

(COUGHS)

Bum, put those lamps back.

NANCY: So, that's the basic concept.

Mmm. Sounds like a good idea. What, you're calling it YardBay?

YardBay.

Great name for a great idea.

Well, it's Frank's idea.

You hear that, bums?

The great idea was my idea.

A shovel swinging in your face would be a good idea.

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING)

He already did that.

While smoking a spider.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, I believe it, cause he's a huge dumb-ass.

Look at his fat fish face.

(LAUGHS)

Frank is a banana split of shit.

I don't like that.

I hate to say it, but Frank is right about one thing.

You got a good idea.

Okay?

But you got to go in strong when you're dealing with rich people.

Otherwise they'll prey on you.

I would know that, cause I used to be one of those people.

(EXPLOSION)

(SCREAMS) Put me out, fish face!

(SCREAMS)

All right, I'm out, I'm out.

You okay?

Yeah.

What happened?

Cigarette.

Ah, yeah. Same thing happened to me.

Feel stupid.

Yeah.

All right, well, goodbye Frank.

Hope a train falls on your face.

(LAUGHS)

Go siphon some gas and smoke a cigarette, bum.

Touché.

You sure you're all right?

Yeah. I did the same thing and next thing you know, the flames just jump on ya.

You think it's the cigarette, or?

50/50 chance.

They were sweet.

Colin and Will.

Fuck them.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

RACHEL: Why is there furniture on the lawn?

JESSIE: Maybe they were partying.

They're not like that, Jessie.

You coming inside?

I want to start setting up for the surprise.

Um, yeah, in a minute.

I got the spins, I'm just gonna go back to bed for a little bit.

Okay.

That's weird.

Woah, woah, woah!

Hey.

If you're here for the yard sale, it's in the yard.

Who are you?

Who am I?

I'm a guy holding pepper spray.

12 ounces...

3 ounces of pepper spray at your eyes, all right?

Who are you?

I'm Rachel.

I live here.

Oh my god, Rachel?

Yeah.

Oh, I've heard so much about you.

(LAUGHS)

I'm Carl.

Carl, I think you're gonna need to explain to me what's going on.

(GRIMACES)

Baby, I think I figured something out, and we're gonna call it "The Carl."

Feeling good?

If good means nervous.

A Baby Ruth?

Sometimes a Baby Ruth is just a candy bar.

The tournament is cancelled but I'm sure Dan is still here.

This has to work.

You heard what those bums said, we have to make these rich guys wanna give us money.

Make'em need to give it to us.

It's fourth and goal, no time on the clock, you got the ball, and I'll just follow your lead.

Keep it close.

Oh no, that's not "fuck you," that's somebody else.

NANCY: Can you wash it?

That's fine.

I have to go to the locker room to clean up and put on my secret weapon.

Meet you at the golf carts. Okay.

Okay, well then, where did they go after that?

(SIGHS) I don't know.

I mean, it seems to change every 16 minutes.

Frankly, I'm worried.

And your mother, I mean, maybe you know her better than me, but she seems a little unhinged.

But the point is, I think your surprise birthday party is a wonderful idea.

Have you ever seen The Wedding Planner?

Mm. With J-Lo?

That's short for Jennifer Lopez.

Anyway, I love J-Lo, and not just because she's a fellow Latina, I love her for her dancing, I love her for her singing, I love her for her acting, but I never liked her perfume.

It was gross.

Carl, I don't think we're gonna have a party.

(DOOR CLOSES)

I need to call my Aunt Betty, and...

Okay, I need like 12 billion aspirin and one ounce...

(WHISPERS) Oh my god, who is this hunk of stud hunk...

Jessie, this is Carl.

He's, I guess, staying with us.

Hi. I'm Jessie.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Did you just call me a hunk of stud?

If I was a shark, man, I would just chomp into you like a little baby seal.

Please god, don't let this be a fucking dream.

(LAUGHS, COUGHS)

HENDERSON: Hey, Andy.

ANDY: Danny boy.

(LAUGHS) Mm.

Look at that, there's Nancy at the bar.

RICH GUY: Ooh.

(DRUNKENLY) Saluuut.

Fancy Nancy.

Hey guys.

Hey, Frank.

Yeah, she's having a few.

(NANCY LAUGHS)

Right now, she couldn't see the hole in a ladder.

(LAUGHS)

We've been celebrating some good news.

Oh, yeah? What good news is that?

Some Silicon Valley news.

(INTRIGUED) Ooh.

Hiiii guys.

Oh bummer, they cancelled your game.

I know, I know.

White balls, white snow, you know.

Well, white balls are better than blue.

You ever run track?

Ever run track? Ever run track?

You mean with our feet?

That's why they have golf carts.

Oh, stop right there baby.

I need you to pay attention and to focus, because I'm about to organize you.

Baby can we talk for a second.

No.

No, Honey, I think...

I talk to you all the time, I'm sick of talking to you, I want to talk to them.

Stop trying to control me.

Enjoy the moment, fellas.

Well, I used to run four-person relays, and this is how it works.

The second fastest runner usually starts the race.

That fucker needs to get a good lead.

Andy, smart, hard worker.

You've earned your money.

Yes.

So, I am going to make you the first runner.

Come with me.

The second runner needs to be solid, and dependable.

That's you, Steve.

You've done well in Wall Street, but you've never done anything... flashy.

(CHUCKLING)

I am so sorry Rob, but the slowest runner always runs third.

I know that you're rich, but it's family money, baby.

You need to be hungry.

Maybe today, shock us baby please.

(CLEARS THROAT)

And you, my Danny boy.

You're fourth.

I'm never fourth.

But the fourth runner is always the fastest runner.

Ahh.

He's also the smartest runner.

Because he knows what it takes to win.

Either dig deep to make up for the lost time, or run just fast enough to hold the lead.

I was always the fourth runner.

Because I was very, very good.

So, let's stretch.

Warm up.

And assume the position.

Okay, now I like this part.

(LAUGHS) Isn't she something?

Stand up, baby.

So now what, we actually run?

Yes, and Frank is going to tell you what's at the finish line.

No. No, baby...

We have no more room for investors...

Please, please, Frank. I mean, you cannot trust those millionaires from Silicon Valley.

Silicon is fake, like the fake silicon boobs, they're fake millionaires, they're nouveau rich.

It's just a pitch, it's a pitch...

Now you have to tell him about the pig.

Say the pitch, come on.

Tell them about the pig. The pig!

All right, all right, all right.

You know the phrase "burn down the house to cook a pig?"

You don't have a lot of house left, we have a lot of cooked pig?

A lot of bankruptcy filings in this country right now, people have lost everything.

They gambled and they got wiped out.

Have I got your attention?

We help them sell the barbecued pork.

People browse yard sales from home.

It's called YardBay.

Yeah baby.

I like it.

I like it.

Let's talk.

NANCY: And the winner is... Dan!

(FRANK LAUGHING) My wife is so...

NANCY: Your acting was brilliant.

FRANK: Well, I couldn't have gotten home if you didn't put me on 3rd, baby.

I feel great.

Boy, it really was, wasn't it?

I just did a Carl.

My crazy made you look good, and now they want YardBay!

I'm gonna call Jason.

I need to have something to show Dan over lunch tomorrow.

Yes.

Oh, Frank, is it over?

Are we finally out of this shit-storm?

I don't know how, but I think we did it, didn't we?

Who said you can't unring a bell?

Mom, Dad...

Rachel.

(STAMMERS)

And I see you've met Carl.

Nancy. I've been so worried.

Carl told me everything.

I've tried piecing it together, but I don't know.

I called Aunt Betty, she's on her way here.

Great.

(CHEESY RINGTONE) Honey, it's Nigel.

Yes...

Nige.

I'm sorry, did you just call me "Nige?"

Uh, it's possible. I knew a guy called Adolf Dick once, that's a tough name, isn't it?

Listen, I just had an amazing conversation with the police who informed me that my house has been burglarized.

I'm about to board this flight, and come home and start ripping some new assholes. All right?

No, no, they caught the culprit, everything's back in the house.

It's all good in the hood, Nigel.

Oh, oh the police found him?

They didn't let me know that. All right, listen.

I want the perpetrators, I want them prosecuted and I want them sent to jail, okay?

No, no, Nigel.

The thief was hit by a car and a bike and a rock.

Isn't that punishment enough?

You know, even 5000 miles away I can still smell the bullshit.

I'm getting on this plane.

Or, I could go take a picture of your living room and send it to you, and you could see how it's pristine.

(FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT)

Yeah. Send it.

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

All right, I understand that you must be mad.

Mom, I'm mad that you didn't trust me enough to tell me what was going on.

And also, I'm mad that I missed out on seeing my amazing parents in action.

I wish I could have been there, because I'll never stop learning from you guys.

Rachel.

(CAR ENGINE RUMBLES)

Come upstairs to my closet.

It's now a panic room.

Hey pervert.

What did we tell you about coming back here?

(YELPS)

Where's the main deviant?

RACHEL: Jason?

Don't worry, Rach. I got this.

NANCY: No Jason, don't mess with these guys.

(YELLS) Frank, we have a problema!

No, no, no. Nobody speaks to Mrs. Teagarten like that.

What you got there, ironsides? A cap gun?

Tasers.

I carry rent money.

(HORN HONKS) (BRAKES SQUEAL)

Holy shit, those are police tasers.

Oh, I want that fucker.

Be prepared to meet your... Give me one.

Hey, kids. What are you guys doing here?

An X-26-6000?

I'm just right in the middle of something super important.

We really don't want these... Back off you stupid fuck.

Fight me!

Who are you kids? Please leave me be...

Suck a fat one.

My girlfriend is watching!

Pussy!

Take the tasers, you wore me down.

(MUMBLES)

Who are you?

I'm Plumber.

(HEAVY CRACK) Ugh!

Ready for some shock and awe, fuckers?

Amen.

(TASER BUZZES AND CLICKS)

Kneel before your god.

You guys are wonderful children. Both of you.

All right guys.

All right, we're good.

Yeah, for once we're having fucking fun in our lives, because you never gave us a good childhood, so can you just like, let us have fun?

(TASER BUZZES AND CLICKS) (YELLING)

Nice.

All right. We're done.

...that was amazing.

Thanks, baby.

Okay, I understand the impulse.

But let's have no more of this vigilante justice, okay?

We have to have law and order. Believe me, I would know.

(TIRES SQUEAL)

All right, listen up.

We've got two minutes.

Everything inside.

Sir, you really need to board.

Yeah, all right, all right.

All right, uh, pull my bags off the plane, I'm going to Nepal.

You can't be serious.

Yeah, hurry up, come on, lady! Let's go.

Pull the trigger on my bags.

Uh, airport security to Gate B31.

Wait, why, 'cause I called you lady?

You said the word "trigger."

It's not a great word around here these days.

Oh, you called the pigs, you fucking stupid...

Oh. He is a lady, that's his... Ugh.

(GLASS CLINKS)

(CORK POPS)

(CHEESY 70S MUSIC)

(DOOR OPENS)

GUARD: Good luck.

NANCY: Bye.

Oh, Frank.

So, I can't talk you out of this, right?

No, honey, you can't.

Good.

More than good.

(AIRPLANE ROARS)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

NANCY: Is this Rose?

Hi Rose, I am Nancy.

ROSE: Where's my daddy?

Your daddy couldn't come, but he sent me to get you and you're going to see him really, really soon.

Meanwhile, I'm gonna be taking care of you.

Is that all right?

Is he in jail?

Sometimes he goes to jail.

You shouldn't worry about that, you must be so tired.

And hungry. Are you hungry?

Thank you very much.

You're so brave that you came all that way.

Were you scared?

A little.

(HAPPY CHATTERING)

TREY: Turkey, turkey!

(GLASS TAPS)

O'Henry once said that love and family and country are nothing but shadows of words when a man is starving.

And today, we are not starving.

I'm glad you're all here.

(MOCKINGLY) O'Henry once said that love and family and country all together is...

Uh...

You're right.

I'm a douche.

(LAUGHS) Yes!

Yes, you most certainly are a douche.

(ALL LAUGH)

And that is the first step towards recovery.

Thank you.

(GLASS TAPS) Okay, okay, here we go.

I'm thankful that we got rid of our stuck up, useless friends.

Our new ones are a little strange, but they are true friends.

I am so thankful that I married the love of my life and that I know my Frank and I can overcome anything, as long as we are together.

Rose, Rachel?

Thank god for Baby Ruths.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, who's hungry?

Me.

For my new friend.

♪ Welcome back, it's so good to have you home ♪

♪ Welcome back, you've been gone so long ♪ FRANK: Well, that's our story.

Frank and Nancy lived in Jason's trailer court for a while, and Frank took the job snipping catalytic converters.

He's pretty darn good at it.

They rented the house to Carl, and they all worked night and day on YardBay.

Last time we checked it was getting pretty darn huge.

And it all started when they got drunk.

And because they were drunk, drunk with love for their daughter.

And like the saying goes, a drunk man's actions are a sober man's thoughts.

They were drunk parents.

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh... ♪

♪ Welcome home, ♪

♪ Welcome home ♪

♪ Oh, oooh, ♪

♪ Welcome home, Ooh. ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh. ♪

(MUSIC PLAYING)