Dude, Where's My Car? (2000) Script

What's up?

Animal Planet.

Man, I just had the craziest dream.

About what? I don't remember.

Yeah. Yeah. I hate that.

Chimpanzees are— Morning, guys.

Morning, Gene.

What did we do last night?

I don't know. Wait.

Didn't the twins have a party? Yeah, that's it.

The twins had a party. Right. Right.

Were we there?

I'm assuming we were. What kind of boyfriends would we be if we weren't?

Did I get any messages?

Nope.

See you tomorrow, Gene.

Shibby.

How do you know Gene? Huh?

Oh, I thought he was your friend.

No, no. I don't know him.

Chimpanzees are lively- I'm starving!

It's... pudding.

I always wondered what a fridge full of pudding would look like.

Is it possible that we got so wasted last night... that we bought a lifetime supply of pudding and then totally forgot about it?

I'd say it's entirely possible.

Jesse and Chester are shibby at the moment.

Please leave your shibby at the beep. Shibby!

What happened to you guys last night?

You show up with a bunch of people, pizzas and a keg, and now our house is trashed.

You guys are sucky boyfriends. You're always disappointing us.

And now you're probably just sitting on the couch in your underwear-

Playing stupid thumb wars- Wearing those ridiculous army helmets...

And if you are, you've probably forgotten our anniversary.

Which is today.

That means you don't get the special treats we had in store for you.

We just wanted to call and thank you guys for trashing our house.

Bye! Twins sound pissed, dude.

Good thing we already bought them gifts. Yeah.

So... where are the gifts?

They must be in your car. Right, they're in the car.

So we'll just take the gifts over to the twins' house and get our special treats.

What do you think they mean by "special treats"?

We've been going out with the twins for a year now, and we still haven't had sex.

"Special treats" is code for sex.

Of course!

Special treats. Sex.

Open up, you two slackers! Mr. Pizzacoli.

You guys left work last night with 30 pizzas that didn't get delivered... and I want some answers! Uh-oh.

Open up this damn door! It's open!

One of them's smushed.

Hey. Hey.

Mr. Pizzacoli! Hi!

How you doin'? Thirty pizzas didn't get delivered last night!

If I ever found out you was taking my pizza home for your own eatin' pleasure...

I will crush you like a doodlebug!

Look! It's an elephant! What?

I guess it was the mailman.

You two are the most irresponsible... not to mention disappointing, employees ever to work... at Mr. Pizzacoli's Pronto Pizza Delivery!

Why, a trained dolphin could do a better job than you!

Well, sure, but then the pizzas would get all wet.

Look, a unicorn!

A unicorn?

Sorry. I guess it was just a regular horse. Weird.

I know you've been embezzling my pizza... and I will catch you eventually.

And when I do, I swear to God you will never... deliver pizzas in this town again!

Close one. Yeah.

We'll go to the twins' house. We'll give them their anniversary gifts.

And then we'll apologize for trashing their house. Then we get our special treats.

Dude, where's my car? Where's your car, dude?

Dude, where's my car?

Where's your car, dude? Dude, where's my car?

Where's your car, dude?

Did I drive last night? Yeah, I think so.

Really? I'm not sure.

Dude, where's your car?

Dude, it's not funny, dude. The car is gone.

Yeah. Dude, where's my car?

Shut up, dude! Look-

Okay. Look. You're right. I know what we need to do.

We need to get back into the state of mind that we were in last night.

That way, we could retrace our steps. Yeah.

Sense memory, simulated perception, altered-consciousness memory retrieval.

Discovery Channel. Nice. Nelson's?

Shibby. Yeah.

I'm sick of walking, dude. Me too.

Hey, it's Mrs. Crabbleman. She'll give us a ride.

Hey, Mrs. Crabbleman!

Hey! Hey!

Mrs. Crabbleman.

Fuckin' stoners.

She must not have recognized you. Hey, it's the Binglemans.

Oh, hey. Mr. Bingleman!

Hey. Mr. Bingleman.

Maybe we should just walk. Yeah.

Listen, Nelson, the car is gone, and we need to do... this little sense memory thing... so we can get back into the state of mind we were in last night.

Deep in your consciousness you must look.

Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must.

Aha! Your eyes you must close.

Then you take it to the mo.

M— Mo!

Mo! Oops.

Concentrating you're not, dudes.

Sorry.

Is your dog dead? He's not dead.

Come here, Jackyl. Come here, boy.

I don't think he's comin'. Maybe he's deaf, dude.

Deaf he is not, dude. Come here, Jackyl. Come here, Jackyl.

Does he know any other tricks besides not moving?

Man. All right. You wanna see a trick, man?

Hey, Jackyl.

Yeah. Bite down, killer.

Here comes the fun. All right.

Aw, good boy, Jackyl. Good boy.

Breathe deep.

There you go.

Dude, your dog's a stoner. Can he also bong a beer?

Pretty much all he does is lie around and smoke his pipe.

Jackyl, can I see your pipe? No, don't...

Very protective he is of his pipe.

When other people touch it, he does not like.

Sorry, Jackyl.

Yeah. See, he's sorry.

Holy crap. That's one psycho dog, dude.

Yeah. You know what we should do now? Eat?

No, eat.

Ah. Choice excellent, my friend. I'll get the keys.

Hey, Nelson, let me order.

Chinese Foooood. May I help you?

I'd like to place an order. What you like?

Yeah, I'd like, uh, three orders of garlic chicken. And then?

And then three orders of white rice. And then?

And then...

Oh, hey, you guys want soup? Sure.

Yeah, three orders of wonton soup.

And then? Oh, some fortune cookies too.

And then? Uh... actually, I think that's about it.

And then?

No, that's it.

And then? No "and then." That's all I want.

And then?

And then— And then, um...

And then nothin' else 'cause I'm done ordering, okay?

And then?

Uh, no, no. See, all I want... is the three orders of the garlic chicken and the three orders of rice.

And then? And the soup, dude.

Oh, and the wonton soup.

And then? And the cookies fortune.

And the fortune cookies, yeah.

So, it's just the, uh— It's the chicken... the rice, the soup and the fortune cookies, and that's it.

And then?

And then, uh, you could put it in a brown paper bag... and put it in my hand 'cause I'm ready to eat.

And then?

Hey, I refuse to play your Chinese food mind games.

And then? No! No "and then"!

And then? And then? No "and then"!

No "and then"! - And then? - No "and then"!

And then? And then? No "and then"!

No! No "and then." And theeennnn?

You know, you're really starting to piss me off, lady. And then?

And then— I'm gonna come in there... and I'm gonna put my foot in your ass... if you say "and then" again!

And then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then...

And then?

Come on, Nelson. Just help us find my car!

You know, you didn't have to go all aggro on that speaker box.

Well, I'm not the one that called the Dalai Lama a fag.

I was just kidding around. Well, Nelson didn't appreciate it, okay?

Look. It's Christie Boner.

Wow! The hottest of the hot.-

Elfuego of all that is elfuego.

Did she just wave at us?

No way. She would never wave at us.

Then why did she just wave at us?

I don't know. Maybe she thinks we're other people...

People she waves to.

Hi, Chester. Hi.

Hi, Jesse. I had a really good time with you last night.

Uh... me too.

That was some crazy party, huh? Hey, have you seen my car?

Well, I saw it last night.

I mean, I saw the back seat.

Oh, I'm talking about the whole thing.

Why don't you just buy another one with all the money you were throwin' around?

Money? Don't you remember you had that suitcase full of money?

A suitcase full of money?

Don't you remember giving me $500... to show you my hoo-hoos?

Five hundred dollars?

Hoo-hoos? You mean... you don't remember anything?

How about now? No.

How about now?

I'm a little bit fuzzy too. Maybe if I could get... a little refresher course here.

All right.

Are these losers bothering you, Christie? No, Tommy.

Guys like you could never score with a chick like this.

Stick to your own kind. Why do you have to be such a jerk?

Next time I catch you guys bothering my girlfriend, stoner-bashing time.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Okay.

Consider this your warning.

Later, dudes!

Dude, you just touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo.

Low five.

Let's get out of here.

Chester!

That Christie Boner is superhot.

Where did we get a suitcase full of money, man? And why don't we have it now?

Maybe we deposited it in a Swiss bank account.

Now, if we had a ridiculous sum of money, where would we go?

Dude.

Sweet.

No way we were here last night.

We'd never fit in at a place like this.

Look, everyone. It's Mr. Jesse and Mr. Chester.

Look at the tuggles on that kitten.

Good afternoon, Jesse, Chester. How are we feeling today?

A little fuzzy.

Hi, Chester. Hi, Jesse.

Did you guys enjoy yourselves last night?

Uh... have we met?

It's me— Tania. Remember last night... that super special, slippery... wet lap dance?

Uh... of course. How can I forget?

You want to do it again?

This time, it's on me.

Uh... if you say so.

Didn't I get some sort of special lap dance?

Did you ever.

Sweet!

So... just how super special can a slippery lap dance be?

What the hell were you thinking, throwing my money around?

That wasn't part of the plan. You're a...

I'm a gender-challenged male.

What does that mean?

Oh, dude, you're a dude! That's...

Ah— You...

It's-

Last night, I had the two of you sneak a suitcase of stolen money out of the club.

Stolen money? I— $200,000.

$200,000? I gave you the suitcase and left.

You guys were supposed to meet me, but you never showed up.

Where's that suitcase?

I don't know. You don't know?

Where's that suitcase?

It's... in my car. Then get it, fast... or else you'll be singing soprano.

Dude. Dude, dude!

We gotta go. What, are you crazy?

I'm surrounded by break-dancing strippers.

Seriously, dude, this is an emergency.

So is this, dude. It's a break-dancing stripper emergency.

Bye! Bye!

Bye, Chester! I love you!

Apparently, we were supposed to meet her with the suitcase... and we just didn't show up.

Sounds like us. How wasted were we last night? Aw, man.

Well, I touched Christie Boner's hoo-hoo; we're on the hook for $200,000 that belongs to a transsexual stripper; and my car is gone.

I'd say we were pretty wasted. Dude, we really need to find your car.

Okay, let's see. The last place we remember being last night was-

The twins. But we can't show up without the anniversary gifts.

I got it. We'll just get 'em a little something for now.

And then when we find the car, we'll give 'em the real gifts.

Got a dollar- what do you got— thirty-nine.

I don't know. Trust me.

It's gonna be totally cool. Okay.

We are so dead.

I roger that.


We've been cleaning all morning. What do you guys have to say for yourselves?

Happy anniversary!

Huh?

We ate all the dark ones 'cause we know you guys don't like those.

Dark ones are the only ones we do like.

Oh, yeah.

But y-y-you— You could use the box to keep-

You'd keep... ribbons.

You guys forgot our anniversary, didn't you?

Of course not, no. We got you guys great gifts. We just had some car trouble.

Yeah. But we came over here as soon as we could to help you clean up, but...

Oh, no. It looks like you're already done.

All we have to do is take out the trash.

Guess they haven't been outside yet. Oh.

You know what? We'll take out the trash. You guys take a nice, hot bath.

Yeah. You deserve it after all this hard work. Go ahead and pamper yourselves.

Just don't make a mess.

Slow and steady, good buddy. Ten-four.

You're tilting. Why are you tilting? Sorry.

You gave me the heavy end. Wait.

Let it go, man. No, we can get it.

No. Let it go.

We're not leaving it behind.

Okay.

I'll take my shoe off. Okay.

Whoa! Whoa, whoa.

Watch it. Stop pushing! Watch it!

Are we cool? Are we cool? We're still cool.

Now, take your shoe off, and you get it.

Okay. Get it. That's it. That's it, that's it.

I got it! I got it!

Oh, my God!

Aah!

You guys can't do anything right.

Why do you have to mess everything up?

Oh!

Anger management.

Yeah! Dude, we really need to find your car.

Hey!

Ow!

Hey. Sorry about yanking you off the street like that, but we really need to talk to you.

Who are you guys? My name is Zarnoff.

This is Zabu, Zellnor...

Zelbor, Zelmina and, uh, Jeff.

Hey.

To answer your question more specifically... we are the recipients of instructions from extraterrestrials... regarding the interstellar path to outer space.

Oh.

Go ahead and laugh. We are used to being mocked.

Okay.

We have been sent by our wise and powerful leader-

Zoltan. To find you... and recover the Continuum Transfunctioner.

Hey... have you guys ever been to Uranus?

Yeah, it's supposed to be really nice this time of year.

This is important. We intercepted an interstellar message... that leads us to believe that last night you were in possession... of the Continuum Transfunctioner. Where is it now?

The who, what? The Continuum Transfunctioner... is a very mysterious and powerful device.

And? And its mystery... is exceeded only by its power.

I'm sorry, but we don't remember a thing about last night.

You must be careful.

Danger follows the Continuum Transfunctioner. So says-

Zoltan. Zoltan.

I'll tell you what. You know, we'll keep our eyes out... for the Continual Trans-ding-a-ling thing... and if we see it, we'll give you a call.

You must. But remember, you are in great danger. Trust no one.

Except for us. Oh, yes.

Thank you, Jeff. Good point. Trust no one, except for us.

Zoltan.

Wait a second. Let's recap.

Last night, we lost my car; we accepted stolen money from a transsexual stripper; and now some space nerds want us to find something we can't pronounce.

I hate to say it, Chester, but maybe we should cut back on the shibbyin'.

Thanks, dude.

Oh, good!

You're right on time. You pick up special suits. Huh?

Mr. Lee, tailor, make special suits for you.

Come on!

Ohh! Dude, you got a tattoo!

What? So do you, dude!

No!

Dude, what does my tattoo say? "Sweet"!

What about mine? "Dude." What does mine say?

"Sweet. " What about mine? "Dude. " What does mine say?

"Sweet"! What about mine?

"Dude." What does mine say?

Sweeeet-ah! What about mine?

Duuude-ah! What does mine say?

Sweeeet! I've had it.

Idiots!

Your tattoo says "dude." Your tattoo says "sweet."

Got it? Oh.

Ai-yah! Sorry.

Hey...

Sorry. Sorry.

Shibby! Very sharp. Very sharp.

You two number one, extra-special, very good-looking guys.

We bought these last night? Yeah.

You were pretty- last night.

How much are these? You already paid for.

I just do some minor alterations-you know, add the secret pockets you order.

Hey, maybe we got the Continual Trans-sphincter. What's-

Oh, dude!

Dude!

Sweet!

Cool. Excuse me, but how did we pay for these suits?

You pay cash. Cold, hard cash.

Crispy, new hundred dollar bills.

You didn't, by chance, see what car we were driving, did you?

Me? No, I don't see no car.

Hello.

Dude, we bought cell phones.

That's not all we bought, dude.-


Shibby!


Man, I cannot believe we leased a car last night. God!

But who's Johnny Potsmoker? That's my alter ego.

Wait. No, I thought that was my alter ego. No!

That's my alter ego. Your alter ego is Smokey McPot.

Oh, yeah.

Dude, you're never gonna figure that thing out.

Okay, dude. There it is. Break time's over.

Time to find my car.

This is impossible.

Are you Jesse and Chester?

Huh? Are you Jesse and Chester?

Uh... I don't know. Why?

If you are Jesse and Chester, perhaps we will give you erotic pleasure.

That's us. Right here.

We are looking for the Continuum Transfunctioner. Who are you guys?

We are not guys. We are hot chicks.

She's totally right.

The Continuum Transfunctioner is a very mysterious and powerful device.

And? And its mystery is only exceeded by its power.

Well, that doesn't really help.

We will give you pleasure now if you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner.

Let me get your proposition straight.

First, you give us the... pleasure... then we give you the Continuum Transfunctioner?

No. First, you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner... then we give you the pleasure.

I've heard that one before.

Look. How about this?

You give me pleasure... then we'll give you the Continuum Transfunctioner.

Then, if there's time, you could take care of my friend. Deal.

Sweet! Oh, thank you. Will you wait a second, please?

Come here. Dude, those space nerds told us not to trust anybody.

Yeah. But, for the love of God, they're offering us oral pleasure.

Wh...

Okay.

Hey, where did the hot chicks go?

Where's my money, boys?

Uh, we were just going to get it.

You guys picked the wrong transsexual stripper to screw with.

You're pinching me. Ha!

Let's see what the cops have to say about this, huh?

You're busted.

Busted! B-U-S-T.

Busted!

What the-Chester!

I saw this on Cops! Hit hard and hit back!

Bye-bye, boys. Can you put on the siren?

So, you're sticking to the "I don't remember" crap?

Yeah. We don't remember.

Last night, your car was spotted leaving the scene of a major drug deal.

Wait. You found my car?

Believe me, you guys got more important things to worry about right now.

Where were you between the hours of midnight and 2:00 a. m. last night?

I told you. Okay, we— We don't remember anything.

I see we're gonna have to do this the hard way.

Where were you last night between the hours of midnight and 2:00 a. m.?

We-We don't know.

What the...

Now do you remember? No.

How about now? No.

Hey! Leave him alone! He doesn't know anything!

Now are you ready to talk? Dude, we don't remember.

Okay. Here are the whips you guys wanted.

Hey.

It's the doughnut guys. Huh?

These two were at the Frenchy Donut House last night when me and Louie came in.

We started talkin', and they ended up buying doughnuts for the whole precinct.

Oh. What time did all this happen?

Uh, let's see. Must've been between midnight and 2:00 a. m.

Damn! You can't be the guys we're looking for. Sorry.

Hang in there, bro.

Come on, Kojak. Moron.

Listen, I'm really sorry about all this.

Looks like it was a case of mistaken identity.

Actually, those are the real criminals over there.

One of our officers made the wrong identification.

Yeah. Uh, that— I'm— That was me. I'm sorry about that one, fellas.

Rick here will tell you exactly where your car is.

We found the car. We found the car.

We found the car!

Now we get the anniversary gifts, go to the twins' house and get our "special treats."

Sweet! All right, Rick, give us the keys, and we're outta here.

You got it.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy. What's the problem, Rick?

Nothin'. I just, uh— Boy. Okay. Geez.

Ah, la-la, mm. Okay.

Did you guys say you wanted your car back or you wanted it impounded?

Uh... we want the car back, please. Oh, I see.

That's kind of funny because what happened was...

I accidentally sent y-your car, uh, to the impound.

Rick. I know. Uh, I can definitely tell you this: that you guys can get the car back in a couple of days.

We don't have a couple of days. We need the car back now.

Yeah. Say, uh... how about a treat, a nice Bavarian cream?

That's a good one there.

It's good. It's great. I have a lot of them.

All right, Rick. Forget about it. Psych. Okay, sure.

Oh! Geez. You got me.

Hey, fellas, who's the goose? Me.

You're such a jokester.

And one.

And two. Damn!

Have you seen Jesse and Chester?

What? We are looking for Jesse and Chester.

I don't know where those two slackers are, but I bet you those punks over there do.

So, then, remember, I said, "Later, dudes!"

What are you doing hanging out with those jerks, anyway?

They were just being nice to me, unlike someone I know.

Maybe it's time I find someone who has a more sensitive side to him... someone who respects me as a person.

Maybe somebody like Jesse or Chester.

Okay, guys, listen up. We're gonna find Jesse and Chester.

And when we do, stoner-bashing time.

Do you know Jesse and Chester? Who are you?

We are hot chicks. Yes, you are.

We believe Jesse and Chester have the Continuum Transfunctioner.

However, if you recover the Continuum Transfunctioner from them and bring it to us... we will give you erotic pleasure.

You've got yourselves a deal. Okay, guys. Okay, guys.

New plan. First, we find those stoners, get the Continuum Transfunctioner... then it's jerk-bashing time!

Yeah! Oh, yeah.

I just remembered where you might be able to find Jesse and Chester.

We'll send those chicks to meet the twins.

That'll put these dudes in some hot water.

Try it again, and just knock it out of the park.

All right. Give it a shot.

You almost got it that time.

Now, just concentrate on the beep, swing as hard as you can... and keep your ear on the ball, okay?

All right. You can do it.

I did it! I hit it! I hit it!

I did it!

Do you know Jesse and Chester? Pardon me?

We are looking for Jesse and Chester. Have you seen them?

Who are you? We are extremely hot chicks with large breasts.

Really?

Do you mind if I touch your face? It's the only way I can see who I'm talking to.

Okay.

Wow. You are hot.

Is this... normal?

Oh, yeah. This is how blind people shake hands.

All right, Sammy. You're up next. Okay-

What the-Sis.

Excuse me. A little help. Wanda? Wilma?

Anthony. Anthony, what is going on?

Uh, nothing. I was just reading.

Bye, ladies. I need to be alone now.

We are looking for Jesse and Chester. Who are you guys?

We are not guys. We are hot chicks.

We are supposed to meet Jesse and Chester later, but we cannot wait.

Well, we don't know where they are. And, frankly, we don't care.

Dude, let's call Nelson. Yeah.

See if he's home.

Hello?

Hey, Nelson, it's Chester. Hey, Chester. No, it's me— Tommy.

Your buddy Nelson's busy at the moment.

This is bad karma, boys.

Why don't you tell me where that Continuum Transfunctioner is.

Uh... no hablo English.

Your idiot friend's dead meat unless I get that Continuum Transfunctioner.

Jackyl! Get your pipe!

Ohh! My balls!

What was that? Tommy's gotten to Nelson.

He knows about the Continuum Transfunctioner.

Those double-crossing sexy, sexy sluts!

I am so sick of hearing about this Continuum Transfunctioner thing.

If one more person— Have you found the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Who are you guys? We are the Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner.

It is all that stands between the universe and completely violent destruction.

It is a very mysterious and powerful device.

And its mystery is only exceeded by its powers.

We know. And we don't have it.

But the universe. Screw the universe.

"Screw the universe"?

Ahh!

Hai-yah!

Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools.

That is one smart primate.

Hey. Hey.

What are you guys doing here?

We just wanted to see how that car trouble thing was going.

Oh, the car.

It's... in the shop. Really?

Is that that shop run by those beautiful women in black jumpsuits?

The ones you were hanging out with earlier today?

Well, you see, uh... Jesse thought-

Today's our anniversary, and not only do you not have gifts...

But you guys ditch us for- Some big-breasted bimbos-

While we were cleaning our house, which you trashed— - About that...

Twice. You guys are sucky boyfriends.

But— - We just wanted to tell you guys in person that...

It's over.

Wilma. Thank you, Wanda.

They're totally right.

We are sucky boyfriends.

Do you even remember what kind of gifts we got them? No.

I bet we got them sucky gifts. Yeah.

We suck.

Wait a second. I just got a really bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

Maybe you should go sit on the toilet.

No. No. You know what the feeling is?

It's love.

Is that what that is? Yeah.

I'm in love with Wanda, and you're in love with Wilma. Yeah.

See, now that we know that we've been sucky boyfriends... we can change. We can?

Yeah. And you know what else? I'll bet you... that we did buy them supercool anniversary gifts.

You know why? Uh-uh.

'Cause we love them. Are they wrapped in really cool wrapping paper?

Yeah. I'll tell you what we're gonna do.

We're gonna go down to the impound lot and get the car, which has the gifts in it.

And then we're going to go to the twins' house and beg for them to take us back.

Yeah! Let's do it!

Oh! No. Hold on.

I gotta take a crap. Told you.

I know. I know your body.

Boys, I got some good news. We just got your car in this morning.

All right!

But the bad news is, not only did Officer Boyer send your car to the impound... he tagged it for auction, and it was sold this afternoon.

Rick!

Do you know who bought the car? I happen to have the address right here.

All right!

But it'd be against regulation 457XY2-665... to give it to you.

Come on. If you could just...

Reaching onto this side of the counter is not allowed.

The last guy who tried it ended up with three broken fingers.

You can reach it. You can reach it!

No. I got- One of these has carpal tunnel.

What if I further injure myself?

I have to do everything!

Well, I'm a better lookout. My vision's better. You know that.

Come on.

That's it. That's it.

Ah! Got it!

Go ahead. We're good. Come on.

What are you doing? Dude, I'm stuck!

Oh, come on!

You're seriously stuck? I'm stuck!

Don't!

Dude, here she comes. Help! Get it!

Hold it. I got it.

Okay, okay.

Dude, help me! I got it. I got it.

We'll spit on it. You know, lubrication.

That's gross, dude! Fine.

Here she comes. Spit! Spit!

Good news, guys.

I talked to my supervisor, and he said I could give you the address after all.

That's great. That's great.

But the bad news is...

I'm gonna have to confiscate your pinky.

All right, next stop: Find my car.

Hey, check it out. Totally gay Nordic dudes at three o'clock.

Wait. I got an idea.

We just go over there and ask for the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Yeah. It's that easy. Thank you both very much.

Hey, don't mention it. See you around the galaxy, dudes.

Time to get your car, dude.

Those creepy space nerds are back, dude.

Dude, do not worry about them.

They're totally harmless. Oh.

Ohh! Ohh!

Now may I have the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Not quite yet.

Would you consider giving it to me while I continue to give you pleasure?

Um... okay.

Wake up, dude. Oral pleasure?

What?

Nothing.

Get dressed. We're going to the big house.

Nice outfits. They're not outfits.

They're interstellar jumpsuits.

Hey, nice interstellar jumpsuits. Yeah.

Wow! Nice place.

Is this where Zoltan...

Is this where Zoltan hangs out? No.

This is his parents' house. We're going over there.

A barn? Is it red?

No. Then it's not a barn.

This is creepy. It's like a country music video.

All right. That's far enough. You, there.

You, over there. No messing around.

Okay, remember which one it is?

Psst!

No. Here, let me show you.

I'll do it. It's that one.

Grab the f-

Keys.

Grab the fire extinguisher... and you bonk those dudes on the head.

You want the fire extinguisher?

No.

Enough. No, it's that one.

Fudge!

Oh, cool.

What are you, deaf? Hey, you don't have to be mean, okay?

How are we gonna get outta here?

Oh! Oh.

Your attention, please.

Our imperial commander, Zoltan, requests your presence... in the Alpha Centauri Rec Room for a Level Seven meeting. Uh, over.


It is now my great pleasure to present to you... our wise and powerful leader...

Zoltan. Zoltan.

Zoltan!-

The time has come, you guys.-

We are finally going to fulfill... our prophecy of outer space travel.

Zoltan! They laughed at us when we said that aliens existed... and they mocked us when we started wearing bubble wrap jumpsuits.

But who's laughing now, huh?

I'll tell you who's laughing now-we are!

Zoltan! Soon we will leave this lame planet... and fly through outer space... with cool aliens who like us.

It is going to be... awesome! Zoltan!

Huh?

That's them! They knocked us out and stole our spacesuits.

No, we didn't. Yeah, you did!

No, we didn't. Yes, you did!

No, we didn't. Yes, you did!

Hey, who are you gonna believe, us or them?

So you're Jesse and Chester.

I've been looking forward to meeting you guys... although... I'm sorry it had to be like this.

Chester! Jesse!

Wanda. Wilma.

Normally, we would never resort to violence, but we are dealing with... the Continuum Transfunctioner, after all.

If you don't deliver it to us... your girlfriends are history.

Uh-oh! Don't worry, girls.

We'll save you. Yeah. You can depend on us.

Enough!

Go now and bring us the Continuum Transfunctioner.

And... be quiet on your way out.

My parents are taking a nap.

And then you can just tell us where the Continuum Transfunctioner is.

And then? And then we'll be able to go and get it?

And then?

Can I get an order of shrimp fried rice?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't see the car. You sure this is the place?

Your car better be in there. I almost lost my pinky to get that info.

Aw, man. I'm sensing something very Canadian about this place.

Plan "B."

All right. Are you ready?

Let's do this.

One, two, three.

I'm okay. You okay?

Shibby. Shh.

Ow!

Shh, shh.


Dude... it's a llama.

It's not a llama. It's an ostrich.

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Very slowly, let's turn around, and go back the other way.

Okay.

New plan.

We turn around again... very slowly... and go back the other way.

Okay.

Dude, they're everywhere.

What now? Hey. I saw this thing... about ostriches on Animal Planet.

They're llamas, dude. No.

What you're supposed to do is stand very still... and eventually they'll get bored and go away.

I think it's working.

Stupid llamas!

Chester!

Let's get in this car!

Chester!

What do ostriches eat? Why?

Well, like, if they eat peanuts... then we can just throw them a peanut, and then they'll go away.

We don't have any peanuts. Great. We're screwed!

They're leaving. It worked!

What worked? Whatever we did.

Now may I have the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Not quite yet. Please?

Scary dream, huh? What's up? My name's Mark.

Where are we? You're in the punishment room.

This is where he likes to keep the ostrich poachers.

Poachers? Yeah, that's right.

I've been in this cage for about three years, five months and seventeen days... but who's counting?

How's my breath?

That bad, huh?

Where you guys from? I'm from Connecticut. Hi. Mark.

There we go. Ow!

Chester, get him off!

Pierre!

Oh, hi. No, that's not what it looks like.

Maybe a little bit. How was your nap? Shut up!

Well, somebody sure is a grumpy Gus today.

In France, when a man is caught poaching ostriches... we shave his head, and we make him to run through the fields.

Oh, God. That's the good part. Once you have seen this-

Ugh— You are never quite the same.

Okay. Tell me about it. I used to model.

Lucky for you, I am an honorable man.

A what? I'm sorry.

I said I am an honorable man.

I'm sorry. "Oneragable"? Honorable.

Onergable. I don't know what you're saying. Honorable! Honorable!

Honorable! Honorable! Onerga— I think you're trying to say "honorable."

Shut up! Ow! Hey! I'm sorry.

I am going to ask you a question.

If you get it right, I will set you free.

If you get it wrong, well... you will be spending a lot of time with the ever-popular Mark.

I can be very nice.

Ugh. All right. Here it is.

What is the average running speed... of a full-grown male African ostrich?

Pass. Pass to me. I know it. Pass to Mark.

You cannot pass! What do I have to do to shut you up? Do I have to hose you down?

Don't hose me. Maybe later.

Dude, we're dead. Not so fast.

The full-grown male African ostrich... or the Latin Struthio camelus... can grow to an average of 6'6" and weigh anywhere from 225 to 350 pounds.

They can get up to, oh, an average speed of 27 miles per hour.

This is absolutely correct!

Animal Planet. Wow. I said "brown."

Here. Let me get you out of this stinking cage, eh?

Oh, please forgive me. Can I get you guys some beers?

I'd like a Near Beer, please. Shut up! Huh?

Actually, we just came about the car that you bought today.

We wanted to get some stuff out of it. No problem! Right this way.

Oh. Well, it was nice meeting you guys.

Good luck with the whole modeling thing.

E- mail me, okay? "freakincage.com."

Bu— Sacrebleu!

Th-The car was here this afternoon. It-It— It-It just disappeared!

Well, how do you just lose a car?

I'm so sorry, you guys. I-I feel terrible.

All right. Pierre, just focus here.

Was there anything in the car when you got it?

No, nothing, uh... uh, except, of course, for this.

Just this?

Dude! Ha!

Dude, I'm having my next birthday party here for sure. Yeah. Me too.

Cool!

Excuse me. Can you tell me where locker 206 is?

Yeah. It's right over there. Oh, hey, it's you guys!

Dude, you guys played an amazing round of putt-putt last night.

We did? Oh, yeah.

Thanks, dude. Shibby.

Here is it.

I sure hope my money's in there.

Who are you? This is my boyfriend Patty.

Nice to meet you.

How do you keep popping up like this?

Less questions, more giving me my money.

Well, guess this is it.

Yep. The moment of truth.

It's been— It's been a long strange trip, dude.

Sure has, Jesse.

Hey! I've got a plane to catch. Ow!

Okay, okay, okay.

Ah! My suitcase! Oh.

Ah! Oh, my God.

You guys are the best. Thank you so much.

Oh.

Thanks for your help, fella. Good work.

Hey, are we-Are we supposed to be grossed out by this?

I don't know. Mmm. Bye.

Look at this stuff!

Captain Stu tickets. Awesome! Ohh!

Oh! Jellybeans!

Oh.

No jellybeans.

Cool straw.

Oh, I'm gonna keep this. Yeah.

I don't see a Continuum Transfunctioner in here.

Wait a second. What do we know about the Continuum Transfunctioner?

That it's a very mysterious and powerful device.

And? And its mystery is only exceeded by its power.

Right. But has anyone ever said anything about what it looks like?

No.

They haven't.

Come on.

That was Jesse and Chester.

They've got the Continuum Transfunctioner!

Quick, to my mother's minivan!

That was Jesse and Chester. They've got the Continuum Transfunctioner.

Quick, to my stepdad's pickup truck.

I'm really getting the hang of this thing, dude.

Yes! Ooh-hoo!

Ohh, yes! I finally beat you!

You, you're a competitor.

Oh, boy. You got me the first nine, but not number ten.

Not gonna happen.

Time for the final showdown. Chester! - Jesse!

Don't worry, girls. We're here to save the day.

Quit it. These things are expensive. Ow.

Enough! Do you have the Continuum Transfunctioner or not?

Yep. Right here.

Now, release our girlfriends.

First give up the Transfunctioner. First release the girlfriends.

First you give us the Continuum Transfunctioner, and then...

Same time. Okay.

Yes!

Yes! The Continuum Transfunctioner!

There they are.

Okay, stoners, where's the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Uh-oh.

Hey. What-You can't-

Release dodo bird.

Tommy, you're such a jerk. Yeah. That's our Continuum Transfunctioner!

Well, now it's mine. Ow.

Nerd!

Dude, let's get out of here. Yeah.

Where is the Continuum Transfunctioner?

We don't have it.

But we'd like you to meet our girlfriends, Wanda and Wilma.

Yeah. We've met. You better stay away from our boyfriends.

You fake-breasted sluts.

Okay... let's go this way.

Halt. Where is the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Well, you wanna go talk to that guy over there.

Let the pleasure begin.

That is not the Continuum Transfunctioner. Of course it is.

Follow the kids. Come on. Follow. Go, go, go.

It's nerd-bashing time!

Uh, it's not our fault. It was them.

Lookin' for Smokey McPot!

I have a delivery for a Smokey McPot!

You ordered pizza? Yeah. I figured we'd get hungry.

Oh, no! It's you two!

Look, dude. I almost got it.

You're really starting to irk me with your Rubik's cube fixation, okay?

Sweet!

Whoa!

Oh. No wonder those things are so impossible.

Oh, no. You've activated the Continuum Transfunctioner. All right, what's going on?

Once all five of the Dirugian crystals stop flashing... the universe is going to be destroyed.

How do you know all that? We've been intercepting interstellar transmissions.

Zoltan. Nerds.

Way to go, Chester. Sorry.

Quickly. You must give it to us so we can deactivate it.

We are the Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner.

They will use it to destroy the universe.

No, we are the Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner.

They want to destroy the universe.

Stop copying us. Stop copying us.

Bitch. Don't you guys remember?

We came to this planet last night to escape the clutches of those evil space sluts.

We met you here. You gave us a ride back to our spaceship.

And that's when we realized we had lost the Continuum Transfunctioner.

Ohh! Hurry! There's only three blinking lights left.

Bye-bye, universe. He's right, dude. We're gonna make the wrong decision.

You know what, dude? I refuse to let us go down in history... as the dudes who destroyed the universe!

How do we figure out which ones are the true Keepers of the Continuum Transfunctioner?

Well, uh, it's simple.

We just ask them a question about last night... that only the ones that are telling the truth would know.

But we can't remember a thing!

Uh-oh. You gotta hurry!

Not now, Jeff! Zip it.

If we really did give one of you guys a ride last night... then you'll know the answer to this question:

Uh-oh. Hurry!

Shh, shh.

What score did we get... on the 18th hole of the miniature golf course last night?

You got a hole-in-one. That is...

correct!

Deactivation complete.

Wait a second. If you guys don't remember a thing about last night...

How do you know they were telling the truth? Well, it's simple, really.

The pudding!

Wow! You guys had a plan.

And it actually worked.

For the love of God!

Wow! Morphing is cool!

Whoa! That is one superhot giant alien!

Just go! - Chester! - Jesse!

That is amazing! - Yeah. Those are the biggest hoo-hoos I have ever seen.

Whoa!

Humph.

We will now use the power of the Continuum Transfunctioner... to banish you to Hoboken, New Jersey.

What are we supposed to do now? I think we run, dude.

Boy, those guys are in a hurry.

I wanna go on that ride, Daddy.

Me too, son. Me too.

Hey, what do I do with this thing?

You gotta activate the... Proton accelerator annihilation beam!

What? They said the proton accelerator... annihilation beam... you fool!

Hurry! Activate it, dude!

I think this is it!

Thank you, Captain Obvious!

I can't reach it! Deep in your consciousness you must look!

Concentrate on the knowledge inside you must!

Does he have to talk like that?

I like the way he talks.

Chimpanzees often use sticks as crude tools.

I got it. Ha. Ohh!

Oh, boy.

Oh!

We saved the universe!

The big bitch is dead!

Oh!

Damn! Now those are some big-ass panties.

Christie, honey, could you give me a hand?

No, Tommy. I've found somebody else.

Jesse and Chester saved the universe.

You guys are still gonna take us into outer space with you, right?

There is a party in the Crab Nebula you guys could come to.

Here you go. Thanks for your help, Jesse and Chester.

You have helped ensure the safety of the universe.

Well, that's cool and all, but, dude, where's my car?

You mean you guys don't remember? Damn, you were wasted last night.

Now before we go, we must eliminate... all knowledge of this encounter.

No. We have so many questions that we wanna ask you about the universe.

Like what? Well...

Have you guys ever been to Uranus? Nice!

Morning, guys. Morning, Gene.

We'll go over to the twins' house. And then?

Then we give them their anniversary gifts. And then?

We'll apologize for trashing the house. And then?

Then we get our special treats. And then?

Dude, that's really annoying. Sorry.

Dude, where's my car?

Dude, where's my car? Where's your car, dude?

Dude, there's your car.

Oh.

Ohh. "I HEART U."

You guys are great boyfriends!

We have something for you too.

A very special treat.

Oh, shibby! Shibby!

Ta-da!

We sewed the names on ourselves.

Wow. Wow.

Put 'em on.

You guys look great.

Berets?

What are these? Uh, more gifts.

They're beautiful!

Where did you guys get these? This... place.

Wow. Me first.

How wasted were we last night?

Oh, God. Dude! Sweet!

Is anyone hungry? Yeah.

I could go for some Chinese food. That sounds great.

Sweet!

My back itches, dude. Jesse you got a tattoo!

God. So do you, Chester!

No way! What's mine say? "Dude"!

What about mine? "Sweet"!

Yeah, but what does mine say? "Dude"!

What about mine? "Sweet"!

I know they're sweet, but, dude, what's mine say? "Dude"!

What about mine? "Sweet"!

Hit it.

I can do sexy.

How do you keep popping up like this?

This isn't fair. They're mooning us.

Tastes good. Tastes good, right?

"Sweet"! "Dude"!

I am fun-loving. I like charades. Shut up!

Go ahead and laugh.

Come on. Say it.

Ha. Ha.

Zoltan!

Ooh! Oh! Ohh!

That's a keeper. Fingers crossed on that.

Hey, I got it! You want a piece of this?

" Dude"! " Sweet"!

Uh-huh. And then? And then we went and, uh...

And then? Got those sweet jumpsuits so we could look sh...

And then? Then we went an— Oh, man. I'm losing it.

I am fun-loving... without my clothes.

The protomic incin— The-The gray thing, dummy!

"Dude"! "Sweet"!

Okay. Shall we cut?

We gotta cut. I mean, we just have to.

You guys have to cut. Cut.

Punk-ass kids!


And then?