Dudley Do-Right (1999) Script

Narrator: Once upon a time, in the little village of putting-on-the-ritz, there lived a wolf named phox.

That's phox with a p-h. P-h-o-x, phox. My card.

Narrator: There was no one so clever at driving a bargain.

Now, this horse is exactly what you need, grandpa.

It's got a three-speed bridle, matching horseshoes, wide side walls...

It's a steal at 40 bazoozas.

Can I look at its teeth?

Teeth? Teeth?

Are you buying a horse or a beauty queen? Come on, now.

Well, all right. Here's your money.

And here's your horse.

Well, come on, horsey.

Hey, I wanted a live horse!

It was alive, but I didn't say when.

Narrator: Nobody liked the phox with a p-h, but nobody could ever get the better of him.

One day, the sly phox was tripping through the woods.

Oh, Hardy-har-har.

When he chanced upon a mysterious box sitting in an open glade.

On its top was written this strange legend.

Phox: "To take my treasure, you may try, "but he who opens me shall diel" a treasure chest! Ooh, gadzooks, I'm in luck!

Ooh, but whoever opens it shall die, ergo, I gotta get some dummy to open it for me.

But who would be that much of a nitwit?

Owl

owl

narrator: Desmond dullwit wasn't exactly the village idiot.

But I came in second!

Desmond, old buddy. Ow!

I need somebody to open a box for me.

No, you don't. Whoever opens that box is gonna die.

How'd you know that?

Oh, I was like, listening to the first part of the story, you know?

Oh. So, I ain't gonna open it.

But you must, Desmond.

That box holds a beautiful Princess who was put under a spell by a wicked witch, remember?

Well, listen.

Narrator: Little did Desmond know that the wily phox was an accomplished ventriloquist.

Help! Help me, Desmond!

There is somebody in there.

Hey, how does she know my name?

Why, she's been secretly in love with you for years.

Oh, joybells!

Hang on, honey! Lover pumpkin is here!

Sainted aunt Hannah! Oh! Look at that!

Gold. Jewelry. Queen Victoria's spittoon.

I'm rich, rich!

I don't see no Princess, Mr. Phox.

Of course not, you stupid lox.

It was a joke. Get it?

Huh?

Gee.

You go get yourself a big croker sack, and we'll divide all the treasure.

Half and half. Even-Steven. 80-20.

Yeah, all right, but I'd rather have a Princess.

Narrator: No sooner had Desmond gone, the wily phox pulled out a croker sack of his own and began filling it with the priceless treasure.

Meanwhile, Desmond wandered through the lavender Glen looking for a croker sack.

There he chanced upon a beautiful milk maid.

Owl hi there, missy.

You wouldn't happen to have an old croker sack on you, would you?

Why, I'm wearing one.

Yeah, I just need it to put my priceless treasure into.

Priceless treasure?

Just a minute, honey.

Here you are.

Ooh, thanks a bunch.

Wait for me, lover pumpkin!

Narrator: The smarmy phox had filled his sack when he noticed one small coin left in the chest.

An Indian head penny!

Narrator: Of course, the greedy phox had to have it.

Are you kidding? They bring three bazoozas on the open market.

Narrator: But in reaching for that last penny, phox over-balanced, and...

Here I am, Mr. phox.

Ooh, lookie, he must have left my share for me.

But where did he go?

I'm in the box. Let me out!

Sure you are.

What a kidder.

Get me out of here!

Well, thanks for divvying it up with me, Mr. phox, wherever you are.

Narrator: And the stupid lox ambled off, followed by the beautiful milk maid.

Hold up, sugar puss!

Years later, whenever anyone would ask about the phox with the p-h, the answer was always the same.

Who cares?

As for Desmond dullwit, he and his beautiful wife lived happily to a ripe old age.

Wait a minute.

The legend said that whoever opened the box would die.

Yep, but they didn't say when.


Narrator: Once upon a time in Canada, there unfolded a tale of heroes and villains.

And it all began with two boys, a girl and a horse.

Young Nell: I don't know, Dudley.

Choosing what you want to be when you grow up is a very serious matter.

It's not a question of what I want, Nell.

It's my destiny to become a royal Canadian mountie.

I think I'm going to have to get out there and see the world before I choose.

What a bunch of wimps.

Why? What are you going to be, snidely?

Me? Isn't it obvious? I'm going to be the bad guy.

Why?

'Cause the bad guy has all the fun.

And if you're the bad guy you get to do stuff like this.

Young Nell: Snidely!

And this!

So long, mountie-boy!

I can ride better than that!

I can do this better, too.

Why, Dudley!

Come on, Nell.

Narrator: Though young Nell's heart was torn between Dudley and snidely, her two very best friends in the world, Dudley's mind was filled with nothing but visions of growing up to be a mountie.

Of course, this surely wouldn't hurt in his quest for the young Nell.

For a mountie is always brave, and strong and cool.

Let's try that again, shall we?

A mountie is always brave and strong, and...


Narrator: It was 20 years later, and Dudley do-right had fulfilled his destiny.

He had grown up to be a royal Canadian mountie.

And his faithful horse, horse, who had grown up as well, was the best-trained horse this side of Ottawa.

Fetch!

Narrator: Okay, so he wasn't that well-trained.

Still, Dudley was a member in good standing of the royal Canadian mounted police.

He had his own grown-up fort, he had his own grown-up office.

He had, indeed, grown up to be brave and strong and cool.

Narrator: Now, Dudley's lifelong rival, snidely k. Whiplash, had fulfilled his destiny as well.

He had become the bad guy, and he had brought a bunch of his bad guy friends with him.

Can I help you?

Could you wait till everyone's in, please?

What's the meaning of this?

This is a holdup.

Now, give us all your gold and all your money, or we'll shoot you.

All of you? All of us!

No, wait. Kevin, go and get the money.

Yes, sir. Don't forget the gold.

And don't forget the gold.

It's been a pleasure doing business with you.

We got the money and the gold!

Let's go, boys!

Narrator: Snidely knew the call would go out to Canada's number one mountie.

Too bad he was tied up with official mountie business.

No, no, no.

The anchovies go on the half with the pepperoni, and then it's one-quarter garlic and one-quarter olives.

Good! Twenty minutes? That's it.

Thanks, mom. I love you, too.

Narrator: Here we go.

Meanwhile, back at snidely's not-so-secret hideout...

Here's the money, but where's the gold?

Whiplash took it.

Where is whiplash?

He's gotta be here somewhere.

He took off with all the gold.

All we have is this measly $26,000.

We gotta find whip. He's tricked us.

And when we do, we're gonna kill him.

Really slowly.

Yeah, but where is he, huh?

That's a good question.

I heard he was in the Sudan.

Where's that?

In Africa, stupid.

He's supposed to be at the Hilton hotel.

The Hilton, eh?

Mmm.

Come on, boys! Let's go get him!

Was that it was snidely himself who was sending them to the far reaches of the world.

Yes, he really was a very bad guy.

It's all so easy.

All you have to do

1s find 999 of the stupidest criminals in north America and everything just falls into place.

There's only one man who can stop me now.

Narrator: And that one man could only be Dudley do-right of the royal Canadian mounted police.

Meanwhile, at an abandoned gold mine, a sinister figure lurks.

I love to lurk. It's so me.

Everyone knew there wasn't any gold left in the old mine.

But it was part of snidely's evil plan to put some there.

The old mine shaft just caved in.

I warned those kids.

Come on, time to go to the dark and scary part of the forest.

Horse!

Fine. I'll take the vehicle.

All right, you kids. Come on out of there.

I'm hardly a kid!

Snidely?

Snidely whiplash.

Dudley. Dudley do-right!

All right.

Queensberry rules. Let's go. Put 'em up.

Ready when you are, d.D.

Why do you have a shotgun?

I was hunting. Mmm-hmm.

In an abandoned gold mine?

Yes. I was hunting for vampires.

Vampires?

Afraid so. Vampires.

Believe me, do-right, they exist.

I don't believe you.

Hold this.

Examine, if you will, this shell from a shotgun.

You'll notice, it's not shot, but gold instead.

It's well-known, to kill a vampire, you must drive a stake through its heart, or shoot it with a golden bullet.

On.

So, then there really are vampires around here?

Sadly, behind every tree, practically.

What was that?

I shudder to speculate.

I have to go.

I thought you might.

So long.

Ciao.

Narrator: And so it went.

While the evil whiplash was out hunting vampires, our hero was at home, hiding behind a cardboard mountie cutout.

After all, even to a real mountie, vampires can seem awfully scary.

Vampires, indeed.

Another week, and I'll have those idiots thinking there's gold in them there hills.

In the daylight hours, snidely was hard at work arranging a meeting between a really big train and the local bank president.

Is that a choo-choo train I hear coming our way?

I can't do this to our customers.

You'll own everything!

All right, all right. I'll sign.

All the bank's mortgages are yours.

And a teller to be named later.

Right!

Pay up the mortgage now, or this quaint little fixer-upper is mine.

You're not our banker.

Oh, I am now.

Read it and weep.

How can you do this to us?

How can I do this to you? Madam, I was born to do it.

It's in my genes.

Now get out, and take your munchkins with you.

That's right. Chop-chop. Single file.

And wipe that smile off your face. And no talking.

Narrator: With his ill-gotten gains, snidely whiplash was taking over all of semi-happy valley, and that included the local motel, the slaw-dogs stand, the funeral home, the very town itself.

Naturally, local residents became a mite concerned.

What's going on out here? What's wrong?

We've all just lost our homes and businesses.

All: Yeah!

Well, that's a relief.

All: Huh? Itis?

Yes. I thought that this was about the vampires.

No! This is about that bloodsucker, snidely whiplash!

He's taken everything. Our homes, our businesses, our farms!

All: Yeah! What do you mean, "vampires"?

You mean, you don't know?

All: No.

The woods are filled with them.

All: What?

Man: Run for your lives!

Narrator: Our hero, Dudley do-right, had never felt so alone.

Whiplash city was a ghost town.

His long lost Nell had been gone for years.

Now, it was just him and horse.

It's just you and me, horse.

If I know anything, horse, these two things are true.

Nell will never come back, and you will never leave me.


Horse?

Horse!

Horse! Where are you going? There's vampires out there!

Who goes there?

What?

Don't "what" me.

Don't "what" me.

I know you're a vampire.

I'm gonna warn ya. I've got garlic in here.

It's me, Dudley. It's Nell fenwick.

Don't try and confuse me. I know you're a vampire.

And I can prove it, too, 'cause only a vampire wouldn't know the answer to this simple, Canadian question.

What is Wayne gretzky's middle name?

Well, I don't know, Dudley.

Well, do you?

No. No, I don't.

Oh, my god!

I am a vampire!

You're not a vampire, Dudley.

Is something burning?

Oh, yeah, right. Like you think I'm stupid enough to fall for that old trick.

Narrator: It was at that precise moment when Nell remembered that famous old mountie movie song.

When I'm calling you

Nell! It really is you!

Will you answer, too?

That means I offer my love to you

if you refuse me both: What shall I do?

When I'm calling you

won't you come in, Nell?

Sure.

So, Nell, what have you been doing all these years?

Well, I went out and saw the world, just like I planned.

Uh-huh. I got my master's in philosophy from Yale.

A ph.D. In international diplomacy from Harvard.

Oh, and then I served as U.S. ambassador to Guam.

And?

And, now I've come home to get the one thing a good education can't buy.

Oh, I got you. You want one of those fuzzy plaid blankets that they sell down at the mountie store?

No, Dudley.

Beach house with a hot tub?

No, I just...

Let's not play games, Nell.

I haven't had the chance to say these words before...

Oh, Dudley!

Nell...

Oh, Dudley!

Dudley!

When I'm calling you enough with the song.

Got it.

I'm sorry. Where was I?

Maybe we should just go out.

I hear they're having an authentic corn festival dance at the reservation, with fireworks and everything.

Or picture this, a quiet evening in front of the fire avec moi, toasting marshmallows, drinking ovaltine.

Oh. Now I remember what I was going to say.

Nell fenwick, I...

Huh?

Nell, I love youl!

Narrator: Though she had traveled far and wide, never before had Nell heard a confession of love from a moose.

Let's just go to the corn festival.

Okey-dokey.

I'll get around to fixing the floorboards next Tuesday.

I hope it's not hunting season.

Owl a little help here for a moose?

Please? Thank you.

After finding the nearest moose head removal service, Dudley and Nell made their way to the corn festival.

Dudley, this is totally authentic!

This is Canada, Nell. Things are real up here.

Oh. Say, there's the chief!

Chief!

Oh, chief!

Narrator: Yes, it was the chief of that rarely studied tribe of south Brooklyn Indians known as the canarsie kumquats.

Or just the kumquats, for short.

Dudley! Long time no see.

You remember Nell.

Nell fenwick! You look terrific. How's it goin'?

Me do well.

Good for you, sugar.

Well, come on. Let's go see the show!


This riverdance stuff is really hot lately.


Dudley? Hmm?

You remember standing room only, don't you?

Oh, of course I do. How are you, standing room only?

Great. Look, could we talk?

Certainly.

How!

Bravo! Oh, bravo!

Okay, look. A snitch I ain't, all right?

But for the last week or so I've been seeing this guy out in the woods at night with this kind of Abe Lincoln hat on and this opera coat, goin' around shooting rocks and streams, crap like that, with a shotgun.

Yes? Go on.

What, you don't think that's weird?

No, no. It's snidely whiplash.

He thinks he's hunting vampires with gold bullets, which scares the heck out of me.

Vampires or gold bullets?

Vampires.

I'll tell you what, chief. I think you're straight out of your frickin' mind.

Me or him?

Me. Me, me.

Yeah. That's a fine way to talk to your chief.

Well, if you'll excuse me, this particular mountie has a date.

Wow.

Oh, Dudley, I wish we could have stayed for the fireworks.

The fireworks are even more beautiful from this vantage point.

Yes.

When I'm calling you Dudley? Not now, okay?

Yes, Nell.

Let's just row.

Of course, Nell.

Narrator: Meanwhile, that very same night, the poorest man in semi-happy valley was about to strike it rich.

Hello! Enjoying your evening thus far?

Thought I'd just drop in. Found some gold, have we?

No, no. There's no gold anywhere around here.

Oh, but there is, lots of it, all over the place.

And you, you horrid example of a human being have made the initial discovery.

You're famous. You will be on network television.

Network television? No way!

Now, stand up, hold the pan out and smile.

Can I borrow your comb?

Shut up and grin.

Welcome. Welcome to our show. Have a seat. Hi. How are you?

They're calling this the biggest gold strike in history.

Certainly it's the biggest gold find of the century.

And the man who made it all possible is here for an exclusive interview today.

Mr. Kim j. Darling. Welcome, Kim!

What's happening, Regis?

I'll tell you what's happening, my friend.

You're what's happening.

Headlines all over the world.

How's it feel to have made the biggest gold find in a century?

Oh, I feel light-headed, kathie Lee.

Well, your story certainly has taken the whole world by storm.

But, reg, the sad part is, at least for Kim, is that he found all this gold on land he doesn't own.

Audience: Aw.

I did? But the owner is staking no claim.

He says whoever finds the gold gets to keep it.

And that's why the big gold rush is on for northern Canada.

Stay tuned. Bette midler is next.

No! Yeah!

Meanwhile, on the U.S.-Canadian border, all is tranquil as usual.

You want some of me?

You want some of Dwayne cuffman? Huh?

Come on, you son of a...

Ooh! Ah!

Passports! Hey, stop!

Trouble along the Canadian-U.S. border continues to mount.

They seem to be yuppie wetbacks, mostly.

But a lot of them are dentists.

And this just in. Scientists discover that Canadian bacon is actually ordinary ham.

What could be better than a plan working exactly as you planned it?

Nothing! That's what's better.

Drop it, whiplash!

It's about time you showed up.

About time? We're here to kill you.

That won't be necessary.

Gentlemen, forgive my manners.

Please, take a seat.

You weren't in the Sudan.

You don't say. Where are all the other men?

Where are they? They're all over the place.

Heathrow, the Rome airport, Mozambique.

We all ran out of money.

This could be the right-sized group I've been looking for.

What are you talking about? We're gonna kill you!

You're not going to kill me. You're going to work for me.

What? Snidely: Yeah.

I need you boys to help me run the town.

Everyone's gone, including the man who ran the slaw-dogs stand.

Therefore, boys, I'm gonna need your help to run whiplash city.

Lefty, didn't you once attend school?

Well, I... yeah.

Good! Well, now, you're the new superintendent for schools.

Thanks, whip. This is a dream come true for me.

Homer, didn't you once work at McDonald's?

Well, yeah, whip, but I'm your number two guy.

I'm part of the brain trust.

Absolutely!

Now you can manage the snidely whiplash slaw-dogs stand.

Oh, man. I'm gettin' screwed.

And we're going to need doctors.

Which one of you is dumb enough to think you can perform brain surgery?

Congratulations. You're the town's new brain surgeon.

Yes!

Yes, indeed.

Well, it's pretty obvious we're going to need a really good psychiatrist!

All: Me! Pick me!

Honey? Look, honey!

Narrator: Goodbye, Las Vegas. Hello, whiplash city.

A place for parents to pan for gold, and bond with their children.

Get a picture! A picture. I don't wanna.

Carly, get a picture!

And a place to prove that white men can dance.

California, Georgia, Puerto Rico.

But where are the Canadians?

Canadians like to think things over before they do something.

Americans just jump.

And thank goodness they do.

Did you like the way I pronounced Puerto Rico?

Yeah.

I speak a little Spanish.

You're the complete package, whip.

Narrator: Yes, snidely had taken over Dudley do-right's town.

But little did he know that Dudley was hard at work devising a plan to...

That Dudley was hard at work...

Okay, I'm lying. He was fast asleep, dreaming about horse.

Horse!

Horsel horse!

Horse, it's so good to see you again.

Nell's here, and you're here.

And if only I knew what that snidely whiplash was up to.

You mean, there never were any vampires?

Wake up, will ya? No! What else? That dirty rat!

Whoa!

Hey, yo, whipster! We're makin' a fortune!

Come on. Sol see. So I see.

It's the same with the gift shop and the gas station.

And the funeral home should be showing a profit if I've got anything to do with it. Huh?

Mr. whip? Hmm?

I was thinking, with us gettin' rich and all, that maybe we should start playin' golf?

My word. You're a genius.

Narrator: The par 72 golf course was soon snidely's pride and joy.

And thanks to the complimentary golf balls he gave to all his guests, he never lost a game.

Ever.

Bad luck!

You must have looked up.

Dudley: Stop right there, whiplash!

Do-right, you made me hit the windmill!

No one talks when I shoot!

You're the man, whip!

There's something going on in semi-happy valley that I don't approve of.

It's called whiplash city now, mountie-boy.

Ooh.

You remember Nell fenwick.

Nell!

Narrator: Remember her? He'd been in love with her since he was six.

Hello, snidely.

We've known each other too long to be that formal.

Nell, will you stop that!

Zowiel cool hat.

We try.

So, what do you want, totem breath?

"Totem breath"?

Well, it's the best I could come up with.

It's hard to kiss and think at the same time.

Neither of which activity you've had much experience with.

What I want, is for you to know that I don't know for sure what you're up to, but you're for sure up to something.

Well put.

And I sure intend to find out what that something is.

Do-right, you'd need a psychic to find out what I'm up to.

I don't think so.

Well, I think that's a gimme, eh, boys?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Let's play the next hole. Come join us, Nell.

Nell?

Oh, it's just snidely, for Pete's sake.

Narrator: Though snidely was the bad guy, he did have a certain something.

First you ran everyone out of town. Uh-huh.

Then you took over the town, and then... Yes, what else?

Oh, gosh. I knew it this morning.

Oh, come on, Einstein. You can do it.

Then you salted the streams and mines with gold in order to create a false gold rush.

And because you own the town and everything in it, you stand to make a great fortune!

Hop up, sweetcakes. Carry on, boys.

Dudley, keep your voice down.

This is an exclusive club.

I don't care. Would you like to play with us?

I'll give you a stroke a hole.

Not a chance! Oh, come on.

Hello.

Yes, carry on. Carry on.

Very good there. Lovely to see you.

Yes, lovely ball. Thank you very much.

Well, my dear friend and worthy foe, once again I've foolishly underestimated you.

That's right! Then I'm right?

No, you're way off! But what if a rumor like that spread around?

It could destroy a community like semi-happy valley, or whatever you want to call it.

You wouldn't want that, would you?

We have to tell the truth, snidely.

Yes, of course.

But before we do anything rash, let's sit down and discuss it like adults.

When?

Tonight, 9:00 P.M. sharp?

Where? Your place.

What's the dress?

Casual.

That really doesn't leave me much time to get ready.

You could microwave some of those little hot dog thingies.

All right.

Narrator: Snidely didn't keep his date with Dudley.

But homer did, and he was thoughtful enough to bring along a six-pack of dynamite.


Homer! Hmm...

You look somehow, I don't know, younger.

How did it go?

Everything's taken care of.

Your boy is in do-gooder heaven.

I couldn't even find his body.

Excellent!

Well, get out of that garish outfit and find yourself a black suit.

You are our new funeral home director.

Shane!

Yes, Mr. whiplash?

Drinks on the house. Yes, sir.

No, wait a second.

Drinks are 50% off. Right.

No, wait a second. Double the price of everything!

Yes, sir.

Narrator: While snidely celebrated Dudley's demise, Dudley was actually in Ottawa, telling the authorities about snidely's evil scheme.

What Dudley didn't know was that snidely had friends in high places...

What're you lookin' at? As well as low.

Well, that is an amazing story you tell, officer do-right.

Thank you. I also know a story about a hermit who kept...

But let's say you're wrong. Hmm?

I mean, wouldn't a rumor like that destroy the suddenly burgeoning economy of your little town?

That's what snidely whiplash said, but he didn't use the word "burgeoning."

Well, this Mr. whiplash sounds like a very community-minded fellow to me.

Oh, come on, wake up. He's the bad guy.

Just look at the way he dresses! Duh.

Ah, but is he really?

I mean, here we have millions of American dollars pouring into an otherwise impoverished section of Canada.

I mean, strike me several times with a blunt instrument, but, that's not good?

But it's wrong! And as you can tell from my name...

But isn't it sometimes difficult to discern the line between right and wrong? Hmm?

Uh...

Not for him. He's a mountie.

For these guys, things are either right or they are wrong.

Boom, boom, cut and dried.

Discern that, why don't you?

Hmm.

Gold! I found gold!

Man: He found gold!

Right!

We'll build the hotel on this side, and we'll put the condominiums on that side so people can walk right up to the river.

I love it, whip.

Yes, I thought you might.

I bet everyone loves it.

Yeah, well, I don't.

It does have some problems.

It's not perfect.

Oh, but it is perfect.

You know, boys, you're the best gang I've ever had.

Thanks, whip.

Particularly you, uh...

Homer. Homer.

Oh, gosh, I...

Dudley: Morning, boys!

"Do-gooder heaven," eh?

Back to the slaw-dogs stand with you!

I know. I know.

Hello?

Nell?

Dudley?

Nell, have you seen my office lately?

Well, not lately, Dudley.

Why? Have you done something with it?

Well, no, but someone has.

Dudley, father's come back.

I'm afraid he's got some bad news.

Where are you?

Oh, Dudley, you know how bad I am with directions.

Are you in a car?

Yes, but it stopped.

Nell? Uh, Nell?

Nell, I think I'm gonna have to call you back, Nell.

We've got a bad connection.

Inspector!

At ease, do-right.

Why, it does this old heart of mine good to see you again, sir.

You're my hero, sir. You're my role model!

Dudley, you're finished as a mountie.

Get your horse and clear out of here.

Horse ran away.

Oh, dear. Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Nell?

Oh, I can't watch. I just can't watch.

Uh, your father's joshing me about being drummed out of the service.

It's... it's very funny.

I'm not joshing you even the tiniest bit.

The highest level of the Canadian government has called me out of retirement to replace you here.

Oh, I know what this is about.

I was supposed to have a meeting with snidely whiplash, but I completely forgot about it.

And then I went to Ottawa instead.

And then Ottawa called on me.

Now, give me your uniform and your sidearm, and leave.

My uniform, sir?

Oh, I'm sorry, Dudley.

This is a very sad moment.

Uh, yes, inspector, it certainly is.


Narrator: He had lost his uniform.

He had lost his horse.

Dudley's dreams were shattered.

Hello. Remember me?

I was on Regis and kathie Lee.

Yeah, I was, honestly. Last week. Only last week.

It was very good. I was on Regis and kathie Lee.

Hello. I know Bette midler personally.

Hi! It's me! I was on Regis and kathie Lee last week.

Hey!

I know you.

You're Dudley do-right of the royal Canadian mounted police.

I never forget a face, although a name sometimes escapes me.

Sir, I lost my job today, my horse ran away...

And I'd really like to be alone right now, if you don't mind.

No chance, pal. I am your new best friend.

I don't have any friends.

Hey, you got me, pal.

I don't even have a home.

Ohl wait till you see my place!

Narrator: Meanwhile, whiplash had begun his evil campaign to win the affections of the fair Nell fenwick and to impress her father.

Let us hope they can see right through this scheming cad!

Sorry.

May I recommend the salt COD bouillabaisse, followed by the buckwheat crepes with tangerine reduction.

Um, okay. Father?

Sounds delectable. But for me, hold the fennel seed.

Very wise choice, inspector. Very wise.

Oh, thank you.

You drank too much last night.

Did 1? I feel pretty good. Yeah.

You know, the line between right and wrong is oftentimes difficult to discern.

Yeah. I was just thinking that myself.

Snidely whiplash has brought prosperity to semi-happy valley.

He's turned this nowhere town around.

Of course, he ran off all the old residents.

Yeah, well, it's all about greed.

You're right! That's it!

It is greed! That's all it is. It's just greed!

Dudley... -.

Please don't make any sudden moves around me this morning, all right?

Here's what I don't understand.

What happens when all the gold runs out?

Uh, why, it's never gonna run out.

It's not?

No, no, no. Whiplash is too smart.

Narrator: Snidely was smart enough to keep the gold coming in, so the profits would keep coming in.

Smart enough to own his own helicopter, smart enough to have won over every government authority within 2,000 miles.

But was he smart enough to outwit a pathetic bum and the only man to be thrown out of the mounties in 100 years?

We'll have to see about that.

Dudley: I don't see anything.

A-ha!

See? That's where they melt down the gold, so they can salt it at night.

Dudley: Whiplash.

Would you look how popular snidely is? That's not right.

Kim: Oh, people always suck up to the guy in charge.

You know that. It's like life.

I say we go down there and arrest them all.

Oh, I don't think so. Why not?

I'll give you three good reasons.

I'd like to start with the second one first, if that's okay with you.

Mmm-hmm. Okay.

Two, we go down there, they'll kill us.

One, you're not a mountie anymore.

And three, they're not doing anything illegal.

But we've gotta do something!

No!

You gotta do something.

I just wanted to show you what was going on.

What's my next move?

Well, you could, uh, steal the gold, before they can salt it, and that way, end of gold rush.

What? Me, steal? Me, break the law?

Sadly, yeah.

But then I'd be Dudley do-wrong.

Do-wrong's nice. I like that.

It's kind of, uh... it's kind of French, you know?

Dudley do-wrong.

I'm so confused.

It's not that complicated, Dudley.

The bad guy, snidely whiplash, is apparently doing good.

Ergo, putting you, the good guy, in the position of having to be the bad guy.

Well, not exactly the bad guy.

Let's say the badder guy.

But let me remind you, that just as a bad guy doing good does not necessarily make him the good guy, so a good guy doing bad does not, ipso facto, make him a bad guy.

This can't be happening. He can't be the good guy.

But he is.

The good citizens of whiplash city are throwing a gala ball in his honor tonight.

For snidely?

Band: He likes bread and butter he likes toast and jam that's what his baby feeds him he's her lovin' man

I don't believe it. They love him!

You better believe it.

He is the good guy!

Yeah, not to mention the fact that he's got Nell.

No. Maybe it's just someone who looks like her.

Nah, that's Nell.

It is Nell!

I can't believe that this is happening to me!

Sorry. It's okay.

I better go do something about this.

No, wait! You're not ready. You're not trained.

Sometimes it's one with big blue eyes cute as a bunny with hair down to here and plenty of money and just when you think she's that one in the world your heart gets stolen by some mousy little girl

then you know you better make up your mind and pick up on one ahd leave the other behind it's not often easy and not often kind did you ever have to make up your mind?


Sometimes you really dig a girl the moment you kiss her then you get distracted by her older sister when in walks her father and takes you in line you better go home, son and make up your mind then you bet you better finally decide to say yes to one and let the other one ride there's so many changes and tears you must hide did you ever have to finally decide?

Well done!

Oh, this is gonna take a lot of work.

Narrator: And who better fo do that work than Kim darling himself?

A grown man with an extensive pokémon collection.

My son, the hero defeats danger, because he is dangerous himself.

You are dangerous.

Know it. Say it.

You are dangerous.

No. Say, "I am dangerous."

I did.

No, say, "I am dangerous."

You are dangerous.

No, no, no. You say, "I am dangerous."

But you said... oh, never mind.

The hero must face three trials.

Trust, daring, instinct.

For the sake of consistency, we'll start with number two.

Daring!

Okay, now. I am your adversary.

I am evil.

Evil! Evil!

You're evil.

Yes. And now I'm going to draw this line in the sand.

Now, do not dare cross that line, otherwise, evil will rain down upon you.

Evil!

No, now, look, Dudley, you...

You're supposed to take me up on my challenge by showing me how daring you are.

Let's try it once again, shall we?

I am evil! Now, do not dare cross that line!

I am evil! Evil!

Well, what? You said I'm not supposed to cross the line!

But you're supposed to cross the line!

Now, let's try it again.

Okay, now. Do not dare cross the line of death.

I am evil! I am evil!

What'd you do that for?

'Cause I'm evil. I can't help it. Sorry.

Eight, nine, ten.

Trust.

The hero trusts.

Now, I will throw some stones at you, missing intentionally, of course, and you will not flinch as they whiz past your head, because you trust me.

I trust you, master. Good!

Sorry, but that was very good. You trusted me, okay?

Perfect! You didn't flinch at all.

Just one more, okay?

Excellent! Absolutely! Trust is your middle name.

A little less moaning would be good.

The final test. Instinct.

You will fight me without benefit of eyesight.

You will block my every blow, because you can see without your eyes, you can hear without your ears, you can speak without your tongue.

Yes, master.

I said without your tongue.

Now, your sword is your stick.

The stick is your defense.

Prepare to defeat me. Are you ready?

Very good, indeed, the hopping foot defense.

Very good! The other foot hopping defense.

Wonderful! You're at one with the universe.

And now, concentrate.

Prepare to receive my final assault.

Wonderful. The playing-dead defense.

Master... good choice under the circumstances.

You'll be all right, my son, providing they don't attack you with sticks.

Narrator: With his master's lesson ringing in his ears, Dudley set off in search of justice...

You are ready, my son.

And extra-strength Tylenol.

You're ready because you've taken everything I can throw at you and still you stand tall and true.

You are ready to face danger, because you are danger.

Now, get out there and do something dangerous.

No! Please don't!

Dudley: Then tell me when the next gold delivery arrives.

I don't know.

Well, then I'm afraid we're gonna find out which is your better side.

You're a mountie.

Not anymore.

The gold's coming... the gold's coming at noon on Thursday.

Noon Thursday. Thank you.

Now, if I can just figure out how to stop this thing.

What?

Whoa! That's not it.

Ooh! Ouch!

Just papier-mache. Completely recyclable material.

What kind of man are you anyway, do-right?

A dangerous one.


Man: He's got the gold!

After him, boys!

Narrator: He may have been outnumbered, but Dudley knew these woods like the back of his horse.


Whoo-hoo!

Do you have any idea what this could possibly mean?

Doris day.

Just a guess.

Dom delluise.

Homer: Daniel day-Lewis.

Snoop doggy dogg.

Man: Daphne du maurier.

Oh, shut up.

Doc duvalier.

Lefty: David duchovny? Man: Delores del rio.

Shut up, you idiots!

Dan rather.

Dudley do-right.

You think do-right has got the guts for something like this?

Of course I do.

Wow!

You realize what this means, don't you?

He's becoming the bad guy.

Where does that leave me?

I used to be the bad guy.

If he's capable of doing this, who knows what other really fun, bad-guy stuff he's been doing.

Narrator: What other stuff, indeed?

"David duchovny."

For snidely was about to discover a crime so low, so hideous, it had to involve toilet paper.

Oh, man.

What a bleak and rimy day.

Something like this just makes you sick to your stomach.

Snidely: Don't touch me!

Where are you going?

Oh, well, my work is done here now, Dudley.

So it's time for me to rejoin my family.

You have a family?

Yeah, well, it's a long story, but...

Basically, I was... I was lost like you.

I wasn't a hero to anyone, not even myself.

No one ever really believed in me...

But I feel you're my friend now, and that you believe in me.

And that gives me the strength to rejoin my loved ones.

If I can find them.

I'm a new man, Dudley, thanks to you.

What about the chain saw?

Oh! Uh... parting gift.

Family tradition. Don't ask.

Aw. Thank you.

Use it in peace, not war.

You can count on me.

My son.

My master.

Ah!

Oh, that's lovely, whip.

The play of light, the chiaroscuro shading...

Shut up, homer.

You got it, whip.

What was that?

Do-right!

Well, snidely.

Posing as an artist to gain young Nell's favor, eh?

Stop the music!

He's quite talented, Dudley.

It's paint-by-numbers.

I can't tell you how hard it is to keep the paint inside those teeny lines.

Wait a minute. You're wearing black. That's my color.

I'm the bad guy.

But you're not wearing black, snidely.

That's dark blue. It is not.

It is so. It's Navy. See for yourself.

Homer!

Yes, whip?

What am I doing wearing blue?

Well, whip, the black one's at the cleaners and I just wanna say you look good in blue, you really do.

"I just want to say, I just want to say."

Nell, you'll always think of me as wearing black, won't you?

Oh, I don't know, snidely.

You know, I don't think this portrait truly captures Nell's preternatural beauty.

Oh, yes. Like you could do better, mountie-boy?

Is that a challenge?

Absolutely.


Ohl

Oh, Dudley. It's lovely.

Shall we, Nell?

Ohl

You look really good in green, whip.

He's a cunning adversary, homer, but not cunning enough to outwit snidely k. Whiplash.

You are my role model, whip.

So, Dudley wants to be the bad guy.

We'll see if the shoe fits.

What shoe, whip?

Oh, for Pete's sake.

We've all done our best to make whiplash city a place of peace and prosperity.

Man: Yes!

A place where we could all make lots and lots of money, without doing anything at all.

That's how life should be.

But there's a man trying to ruin all that.

This is the man.

Man: Hey, that's Dudley! Woman: He's the good guy!

This man is dangerous and evil.

Man 1: He's not evil!

Man 2: You're wrong, whiplash!

We must find him at once.

Gold miners of whiplash city unite.

Dudley do-right must be found and done away with.

All: Nol he must be killed, you hear me?

All: No! No! No!

Narrator: Yes, the tide had turned against snidely.

The townspeople had grown tired of whiplash city.

They wanted their town back just the way it used to be.

So while snidely was growing weaker by the minute, Dudley was growing stronger.

Yo, Mr. do-right. Five minutes.

Thank you.


Bravo!

Narrator: Though Nell had witnessed many examples of our hero's daring-do, it took a dance number to convince her that Dudley...

Nell: Dudley? ...Was studly.

Dudley?

When I'm calling you Dudley: When I'm calling you Dudley?

Will you answer too?

Dudley.

Nell.

I love you now, and I always have.

You really do, Nell?

All: Aw!

Narrator: Meanwhile, back at snidely's secret hideout and day spa...

We have to find out where that sniveling do-right is hiding.

I've got the men out combing the countryside, whip.

Do you?

I'll get it.

Here.

Yeah, give it to me.

Hello.

What?

We found him.

This calls for a celebration. Waiter!

Two mudslingers, please.

Narrator: Snidely and his henchmen immediately launched an all-out assault on the kumquat nation.

It's whiplash.

They just want me, chief.

I'll go quietly. This isn't your fight.

I'm backing you 110%, and I mean that. So far.

You got weapons?

Weapons? Come on.

This is basically a dinner theater we're runnin' here.

You got fireworks?

That we got.

Firel

They're just fireworks, you sissies!

Be men!


That's the last of the fireworks. Now what?

We'll take to the forest and throw rocks at them.

Dudley: Rocks?

What else can we do?


The press here?

Yes, sir. They're up there on the perimeter, sir.

Let's do it.

General whiplash, the village is ours.

Torch it, Shane. Burn everything.

Yes, sir.

No, wait a minute.

That's bad publicity.

Have the photographers take pictures of the boys straightening up the place.

You got it.

Learn from history or repeat it.

Come on, chief.

I gotta stop.

You can make it. You're a young man.

Don't let this face-lift fool you. I'm 62.

On second thought.

Ouch! Okay, hold it. Hold it right there.

Hold your fire. Hold your fire. Hold your fire!

Somebody hit me with a rock.

It was one of them Indian dancers.

Right. That's it. Now I'm heated.

Narrator: Not since their all-male revival of little women had the kumquats faced such a hostile reception.

But the kumquats never walked away from a fight.

They preferred to run.

Know what we need, chief?

Two weeks in Maui.

No. Bigger rocks.


That's not fair! They've got rocks!

All we've got are these machine guns.

Mother of Pearl, here comes another one.

Let 'em have another one.

The next size down is this one. We're out of the big stuff.

We're screwed.

No, we're not. Look!

It's my horse, horse.

Just like in my dream.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

We're saved because that flea-bitten nag showed up?

He's trying to tell us to follow him.

You know, Dudley, I think he's just got a fly up his nose.

Come on, everybody!

We've got them on the run now.

They'll never make it across the valley floor.

Homer! Yes, sir!

Time to bring up the heavy equipment.

Yes, sir.

Move out!

Move, move, move, move!

Chief: I'm sorry. I gotta stop.

Come on, chief.

No. That's it. I'm finished.

I thought native north Americans could run all day.

Oh, yeah, like we're really Indians.

We're not leaving without you.

No, you guys go without me. Go!

You stood by me. I'm gonna stand by you.

Oh, Dudley, I'm making you an honorary kumquat.

That means a great deal to me, chief.

Forget about it.

He's a dead honorary kumquat.

Snidely: Roger.

Tango, delta, foxtrot.

Shall we dance?

You gotta admit. He comes prepared.

I think it's time to surrender.

Yeah, it looks like it.

Horse: Tanks.

He's got another bug up his nose.

No.

He's telling me he wants me to attack the tanks.

Is that good, taking advice from a horse?

Yes, it is.

You know they got a brain about the size of a pea.

That's nuts. Not to mention stupid.

I think it's wonderful.

Don't worry. I'll save you, Nell.

Dudley.

Homer, let him have it.

Come to daddy.

That's it. End of game.


Curses! Where did they come from?

Come back here, you cowards!

General!


Ohl

Good horse, horse.

Snidely: You know, homer, this is the part of the job I hate the most, the ending.

Up until then, being the bad guy is the best job in the world.

Ah. Hello, Dudley.

Hello, whip.

I've lost everything.

Even the announcer's gone.

Narrator: No, I'm still here.

Someone's got to explain where the cavalry came from.

Yes.

I was a mite curious about that myself.

Dudley!

Kim!

Narrator: Yes, the prospector had found his long lost family.

The search was greatly simplified when Kim spotted his wife on television, as she was being sworn in as prime minister of Canada.

It was she who called out the cavalry.

That was lucky, wasn't it?

Boy, I'll say.

Narrator: And that's because good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people.

What's the problem, officer?

I was only going 25 miles an hour.

Well, that's the last we'll see of them for a long, long time.

Don't count on it, bugle boy.

No jail can hold snidely k. Whiplash.

Oh, shut up, homer.

Sure thing, whip.

Do-right, would you allow me the honor of presenting you with your old uniform and the thanks of a grateful nation?

Thank you, inspector.

All: Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

Narrator: Yes, Dudley now has everything a mountie could ever want.

His fort, his girl and a swell collection of foofy pillows.

Nell.

Ohl Dudley!

Whoo! Ooh!

Nell! Dudley!

On.