Easy Living (1937) Script

Good morning, sir. Same to you.

Well, well, well, well! Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Good morning, sir. Good morning.

Good morning, sir.

Oh! You shouldn't have black cats in the house!

It's bad luck!

(SCREAMS)

Oh, sir, your trousers!

I see you're down early for breakfast this morning, sir.

Give me your hand!

BALL: Graves! Graves, where are you? Come here.

Coming, Mr. Ball.

What's the matter with the old garbage can?

Somebody stole it, Mr. Ball.

Oh, nothing is safe!

I thought I just bought you a new car a couple of months ago.

Well, I turned it in as a down payment on the Lugatti and they're getting kind of restless.

Tell the chef the world isn't made of butter.

You mean to tell me you turned in a perfectly good, free and clear paid-up American car for a foreign jalopy?

Tell him to try lard.

Oh, but, Mr. Ball, the chef says that...

That's all right what the chef says!

Tell him he can fry an egg very nicely in lard.

Tell him I said so.

I told you 9,000 times, never to buy anything on time payments!

Even a... Even a cat should understand that!

Certainly should.

(CHUCKLING)

I'll tell you why. How much did you pay for the car?

$11,000.

So you paid $11,000 for a secondhand Spagotti.

Now, wait a minute!

I've waited for 20 years to find out that I was the father of a butterfly.

A muttonhead!

Well, I think you're being slightly offensive, Father.

Oh, you think I'm offensive, do you?

Well, let me tell you something!

If anybody called me a loafer and a parlor snake, I'd knock their block off, even if it was my own grandfather!

(IMITATING BALL) Well, we don't do that to our grandfathers these days!

Take it away!

What your grandfather would have done to you is nobody's business!

I remember when I was about your age.

I was out all night playing, see?

And when I...

Well, I'll put $1,000 to your account in the bank.

Don't bother. Huh?

I said don't bother!

I'm very grateful for the room and board, but not at these prices!

The cooking isn't good enough!

The cooking isn't good enough! No.

Graves, where are you! Come here!

The cooking isn't good enough!

And I'll tell you something else that isn't good enough.

It's being a banker's son.

Everybody thinking you're a fool who couldn't make a nickel on his own!

A nincompoop living on his father's charity!

Oh, pooh! I was a banker's son and up until I was 26 years old I was just as dumb as you are.

(CHUCKLING) Yes, indeed, sir.

But after a while all the fat fell off my brains and I...

Say, how old are you?

Old enough to earn a very good living without any help from you or your sneering friends.

And if any of my sneering friends ever gave you a job, I'd have their head examined! That's what you think.

I'm gonna make you eat those words. That's all you'll be eating.

Possibly! Probably!

Right! Yeah! Right! Yeah!

Yeah! Yes, sir.

Here. You'd better take this with...

(EXHALES)

Uh... what is this?

Madam told me to give it to you, sir.

BALL: Jenny! Jenny, where are you?

Oh! Hiding, huh?

I am not hiding.

What do you mean by buying another fur coat?

You want me to look nice, don't you?

After all, the wife of the fourth biggest banker...

I beg your pardon! The third biggest banker!

Well, the third biggest banker.

Yes, and you know well enough I'm the third biggest banker!

What's the matter with the other fur coats you've got?

Why, I haven't any to speak of, and besides, they're out of style.

Out of... How can a fur coat get out of style?

A skunk smells the same today as he did in 1906.

Now, where is it?

I won't tell you!

Jenny, you're being very childish in this matter.

All I've got to do is open these doors.

Here! Wait a minute!

Holy smoke!

Well, what about this one? What about...

What about this one?

That... That... That's Kolinsky.

Oh! Well, I guess you've got me, Jenny.

You're not as smart as people think you are.

Oh, that's right, that's right.

I think I'll take this Kolinsky for a consolation.

You give me that coat!

Now, now, wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Here!

Jenny! Bring that coat back!

Jenny!

Jenny! Open this door!

Jenny, give me that... Give me that coat or I...

Open this...

(SCOFFS)

You're making yourself very ridiculous. Now, open the door!

Jenny!

(CRASHING)

Oh, nobody thinks of my blood pressure at all!

(GROANING)

Jenny!

Good morning, sir.

Good morning, Joseph, Justin or whatever your name is!

I beg your pardon, Martin.

Yes, madam. Thank you.

BALL: Jenny! Can I speak with you a moment, my love?

Jenny! Pardon me, Martin. Jenny!

Just a minute, my dear!

Jenny, come down... Oh, throwing things again, huh? Jenny!

Jenny! Jenny! Oh, it's you.

Did you see Mrs. Ball up here? No. No, sir!

Did she tell you to say that?

Yes, sir. But... But I... I mean...

You mean... I know what you mean.

Jenny!

Now that you've made us both look ridiculous...

But I tell you Mr. Zickel won't take it back! He told me so.

They were especially grown in Russia.

Give it to me!

Juny, you can't get your money back!

You'll have to pay for it! There simply isn't a thing.

Hand it over! Hand it over!

Well, now that you've got it, what are you going to do with it, eat it?

I'll show you what I'll do with it!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Say, what's the big idea, anyway?

Kismet!

(PRESSES BUZZER)

Watch your step, please.

(RINGS BELL)

Oh.

Pleasant day, sir. You think so?

Listen to me, you! What?

Do you want me to fry in lard? Well, what about it?

Go and fry yourself in lard, you dirty capitalist!

Why, you...

(BALL LAUGHING)

"Fry yourself in lard!"

Did you drop a fur coat?

No, miss. Not here.

Oh. Thank you.

Where did you find it?

Find what? How do I know it's yours?

Well, look at the label and see if it doesn't say A.B. Zickel and Company.

You work for a living?

Yes, that's right, all right. What? Why, of course I do.

Why... Why, I don't see what business that is of...

Say, look what you did to my hat.

Do you own a fur coat?

No, I don't, but I still don't...

That's where you're wrong!

(CHUCKLING) You own that one. Happy birthday.

Now, just a minute, Santa Claus!

Huh?

What's the matter with it? Is it hot?

I don't know. I've never worn one.

What kind of fur is it, anyway?

Zebra. Anything else you want to know?

Yes! I'd like to know how you get...

Let me give you a piece of advice, young lady.

Don't be too wise. Don't think you know all the answers.

Things have been done for people, many nice things!

Remember that. Well, what do you want?

Uh...

Say, could you lend me 10 cents?

Lend you... Of course I can.

It's pay day and I forgot when I got off that it was my last dime and I...

Well, of course, if you're short...

Of course I'm not short. Don't be silly... You mean to take a bus?

Well, what's the matter with this bus?

Oh, no. Oh, hop in! Hop in!

The Boys' what? The Boys' Constant Companion.

CHAUFFEUR: Very well, madam. It's a magazine for boys.

Yeah? I never heard of it.

We have over a million readers.

Well, you haven't got me.

Stop at a hat shop. CHAUFFEUR: Yes, sir.

Oh, no, really. You mustn't. No, that...

That's terribly sweet of you but I haven't got time, and anyway, my goodness, this coat...

Well, if I can keep waiting what's waiting for me, I guess The Boys' Constant Reminder can wait a few minutes also.

Companion. Boys' Constant Companion. All right. Companion.

Yeah. You know, I was going to buy a fur coat.

You can get them for $2 a week and one percent on the balance.

One percent a month? Yes. Isn't it wonderful how they can do it for so little?

So little? That's 25% a year. Yeah.

No. One percent a month is 12% a year.

You, of course, don't know who I am, but I'm very good at computing interest.

Well, I'm sure you are, but having passed through high school myself, I think I can safely say that one percent a month is 12%... wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute!

You owe $100, you're paying off at the rate of $2 a week or $8...

66 and two-thirds cents a month.

You mean $8 a month.

There are four weeks in a month, you know.

I beg your pardon, madam!

There are four and one-third weeks in a month, otherwise we'd only have 48 weeks in a year!

You mean leap year? No, no, I don't mean leap year!

If I meant leap year I would have said leap year!

At the end of six months you would have paid $52...

But you're still paying... Twelve percent.

At the end of 49 weeks you will have paid everything but $2, so you're paying 600%.

You know, you don't have to get mad just because you're so stupid.

Don't talk to me like...

You don't seem to understand... What do you mean I...

...that 12 times one can't possibly be 600...

All right! All... Twelve times one is 12!

All... All... All... I don't want to be rude, but I mean I should think a small child would be able to understand that...

All right! Let's forget all about it!

Right. Right.

This isn't mink, is it? Huh?

Of course it isn't. That's Levinsky.

You mean Kolinsky?

Why, you shouldn't be giving away a real Kolinsky...

I'll tell you. We'll look at it another way now.

A farmer borrows 100 cows, you understand?

He borrows 100 cows.

Now, how much did the farmer pay?

Twelve cows!

Well, don't you like this one, either?

I do not! It looks like a salt shaker!

Well, we think it's very recherché.

Well, that's the trouble with it!

Oh, what's this?

Uh-uh-uh.

We... We prefer to handle these ourselves.

Uh-uh-uh, yourself!

(CHUCKLES)

Brute!

Try this.

Oh, fur! Why, that's genuine sable.

Let's try it with the coat.

Now you're talking! (CHUCKLING) Oh!

Oh, I haven't any money with me, but... well, of course... Here's my card.

And send me the bill. Yes.

Come on.

Oh, will you put my old hat in a bag, please?

A bag? Yeah.

Why, my dear, we'll send it to you in a Rolls Royce! And the address?

Mary Smith, 725 West 112th Street.

Come on. I've got to get to work! A bag?

Goodbye! BALL: Goodbye. Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Goodbye!

Did you get that coat? My dear, you don't realize.

That was the Bull of Broad Street. A what?

The Bull! The Bull!

Oh! The Bull!

Goodbye. Goodbye.

And keep the moths out of Levinsky!

(CHUCKLES) I will. I don't know how to thank you, Mr... Mr...

You didn't tell me your name!

Oh, excuse me! I'm so sorry!

Good morning, Miss Swerf.

Oh, I know I'm late, but I'll stay and make it up.

Pretty, isn't it?

Good morning.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning.

Hello.

(ALL CHATTERING)

(CHATTERING STOPS)

Ladies and gentlemen, please!


No, no, no, no! Ball! J.B. Ball himself, in person!

The Bull of Broad Street!

With a girl! In the sablest sable coat they ever sabled!

Well, wherever there's smoke there must be somebody smoking!

Mary Smith! Now, don't breathe a word of it to a soul, not even a soupçon! Toodlee-oo.

You expect us to believe, Miss Smith, that a complete stranger, having dropped a valuable mink coat...

Oh, it isn't mink! It's Kolinsky.

Mink or Kolinsky, whatever that is.

It's mink! It is not mink!

Well, I ought to know mink! My mother had a little tibbet...

It is not mink! It does not really matter!

The thing that does matter is that you expect us to believe that...

Well, I know it's terribly unusual and I suppose if anybody told me that...

It's most unusual! So unusual, in fact, that...

This is a boys' magazine, you know!

Well, what about it?

The Boys' Constant Companion regrets that it will no longer require your...

Now... No, wait a minute! Wait a minute! Now, I'll tell you.

You see, I didn't want you to know that I was so extravagant, and I suppose it was awfully foolish of me to try to tell you...

I'm no good at making up stories at all, but you see, I bought the coat out of my own savings.

Yes, and I thought that you'd think that I...

That... well...

So... Well, that's why I was late.

Where did you buy it?

Uh, Zickel's.

And how much did you pay for it?

Oh.

Well, I don't see why I should have to tell you...

That coat cost $400 if it cost a...

It did not! It cost $162.79.

Now we're getting somewhere!

Give me Zickel's Fur Store, please.

Well... I... I...

Oh, I don't know really if it cost exactly $162.79.

You see, it's the first fur coat I ever bought and I was excited...

Did you sell a Kolinsky this morning for... well, anybody is liable to make a mistake.

...$162.79? They had loads of prices there...

You did not? Nothing under 500?

Thank you very much indeed.

I believe that's all, Miss Smith!

As I said before, the ethical requirements of the Boys' Constant Companion are...

Well, it did hit me on the head!

(CHUCKLING)

MAN: Just be careful you don't get hit by a diamond bracelet.

(SCREAMING)

He didn't tell me his name! He gave me a hat!

MARY: Now, you feeble-minded old fool!

Quick! Here she comes.

Well, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better, John.

Thank you, sir. Good morning.

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

Get Mrs. Ball for me. Good morning. Pardon me.

Mr. Ball just arrived. He wants to talk to Mrs. Ball on the phone.

How's your wife this morning, Graves? Very good, sir.

And how's that new baby coming along? Good morning, Mr. Ball.

Good morning. Having a little misery this morning...

BALL: Oh, that's too bad.

Here are these Consolidated bonds you asked for.

What did you say about Mrs. Ball?

I said Mrs. Ball has already left the house. She's gone to Florida.

She says you don't need fur coats in Florida.

She said all you need in Florida is a bathing suit and an amiable...

All right, all right! Anybody waiting for me?

Mr. Louis is waiting, Mr. Ball. At 11:30 you have a meeting with...

Mr. Who? Mr. Louis Louis. You know, Hotel Louis.

At 11:00 you have a meeting with the Consolidated...

Oh, he is, is he? Well, send him right in!

At 11:00 you have a meeting with the Consolidated National.

At 12:00 the delegation from Peru, 12:30, lunch at the Bankers' Club with Mr. Van Astorbilt.

Very important. All right, all right!

Don't forget to be back here at 2:30.

Mr. Louis! Yes, yes, yes!

You may go in now.

No, no, no. Just a minute, just a minute!

Ah!

Rabbit's feets!

Mr. Louis, Mr. Ball. Thank you.

Take your hat off! Oh, excuse me.

Well, Mr. B., the bonds are due today, so here I am.

Johnny-on-the-spots! That's fine.

But you don't have to bother me.

Go downstairs to the window marked "Loans." The big window.

Mr. B.! You and I just get along like this!

Just like Mike and Ike! Did you come here to pay, or what?

Yes. I come here to pay my respects, because in the whole world of financials...

Listen, you! You're three years behind on your first mortgage, two years behind on your second, and one year behind on your third.

Mr. B., what do I know about such things?

The Hotel Louis must succeed because it is the best!

Excuse me. Now, think! Think of my Roast Veal a la J.B. Ball!

Yeah! Yeah! Everybody knows you're the finest cook in the world!

But you don't know anything about business.

Now you get back into that kitchen where you belong, you'd be better off.

Now you're foreclosed!

I'm doing you a favor. Oh, Mr. B., please!

Give me six months. Oh, not on your tintype!

Well, just give me six weeks. I'll give you a week.

What can I do in a week? All right, I won't give you a week!

All right, I'll take a week! Bye-bye. I must go. I'm in a hurry.

What are you going to do? Well, I don't know, but I got a week to do it in!

Down. Oh, excuse, please.

How can such a phenonument be a flop?

Louis.

Louis.

You might... This might be a little bit more comfortable. I'll...

Pardon me. Louis.

Louis, Louis. What is it? What is it?

Louis, who do you suppose was in my salon this morning?

What I suppose was in your salon? Yeah.

What I need is something in my salon, something like a... Like a convention, and quick.

You'll never guess. All right, all right.

I'll play a riddle with you. Who?

The Bull of Broad Street.

Who? The Bull of Broad Street.

With a chicken. Chickens, bulls, what do I care?

You don't mean the Ball of Bull Street?

That's just what I'm trying to tell you. With a twoip?

With a dancing partner.

(CHUCKLES) You got the dope? The dame's name? The hangout? Etcetera, etcetera?

I have, but I haven't the slightest idea of parting with a scrap of it.

Mr. Van Burens. With a little corruption from you, the curfew shall not rang next week. Thank you, thank you.


(JINGLING)


Sorry, Wafford.


I'm sorry, sir.

How many times I told you not to creep?

There's a Miss Smith to see you, Mr. Louis.

What? What?

Why don't you say so? Get out of my way.

Yes, sir. Where is my coat tail?

Here. Boy.

Get me a flower. Yes, sir.

How can you think of girls at a time like this?

Girls, girls, girls. She's the girlfriend of our first, second and third mortgage.

What's the matter with you?

She's got to live here. With little Smithy in the house, not even a monster can foreclose.

What's the matter with you? You think I'm a stiff?

Yeah. No, sir.

Put it back in the icebox. Yes, sir.

Meet me, Gurney. This is the last cheese in the trap.

Miss Smith? Yes.

A pleasure. Sit down, sit down.

Oh, excuse me my liberty of sending you, myself, a telegram.

You look exactly as I thought, only 100% much better.

Well, thank you very much.

I don't know how you ever heard of me, but I'm sure we'd get along all right.

Miss Smith, I am a man like this.

I don't beat around the bush to come in the back door.

I tell you, this is where you belong and this is where you got to be.

Well, I'm perfectly willing.

I don't ask very much and... Until you have lived in the Hotel Louis, you ain't.

I have to live here? I insist. Please do me a favor.

And now, take a peek, huh? At what?

This way. I'll show you. This way. After you.

This way, please. This way.

LOUIS: The Imperial Soots. MAN: Yes, sir.

Excuse me, please.

First reception rooms. Nice, eh?

Second reception room. The kitchen.

For hanging pictures. Very handy.

(MUMBLING)

Excuse, please.

Third reception room.

Excuse me.

Main saloon.

Fireplace. It makes it more homey.

Piano.

You tickle the ivories? Oh, I... I...

(PLAYING PIANO)

(SINGING) Aye-aye-aye!

La-la-la-la.

It needs tuning.

Some joint, huh? Yeah.

For everything you wish, we anticipate.

Even before you think. Now, look. Service. Mmm.

There.

New. Everything new.

Excuse. This way.

Four reception room.

Kitchen.

I knew it was hanging around here someplace.

Gas box. What?

They tell me it works with gas, but I don't believe it.

(CHUCKLING) First bedroom. Hotsie, eh?

There. Yes. Invisibles.

Fifth reception room.

Undressing room.

Ah!

Two-way mirrors.

Every other hotel has got three.

(SHUSHING) wait.

Plunge.

What's it for? For wash.

Golly.

Gymnasium. Well, what's that?

A horse. A horse?

Mmm-hmm. Excuse, please.

(MACHINE WHIRRING)

(LAUGHING) We're getting some fun.

Nice fellow. Yeah.

Excuse, please.

Now, last, but not least... Excuse. Now.

Your bedroom.

My bedroom? Nice place to flop, huh?

Couldn't you be cozies here?

Well, yes, it's cozy, all right. But...

But I don't think I understand.

How much would you pay me?

How much would I pay you? For what?

Well, for, for whatever it is?

Don't you think you should pay me a little bit of somethings?

For what? "For what"?

For what I just show you. The dining room, the kitchen, the bedroom, the... The horse.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Are you trying to rent me this little number?

Exacts.

Is that why you sent for me? Certainly.

(GIGGLING)

I think you've got the wrong Smith.

You think so? I'm sure of it.

Just a minutes, just a minutes.

Mary Smith? Yeah.

West 112th Street? Yes.

You bought a hat this morning?

Yes. Oh, you're the right Smith.

But how did you know? This is where you belong.

A beautiful young girl like you has got to have a background.

This is what you call a background.

I should say it is. No matter where you look, you'll never find another background goes so far back.

You're right, Mr. Louis, but look, I couldn't afford even the...

I couldn't afford any of it.

Just a minutes, just a minutes.

That's what you think, my dear young lady.

But I'll tell you something confidentials.

The management will make some concessions.

That's awfully sweet of you, Mr. Louis, but even if you... we'll meet you more than halfway.

Look, even if you came the whole way, it wouldn't make... But, listen, listen, listen.

What are you paying now? $7.

No, no, no, I said what are you paying now?

I mean rent, rent. $7.

$7. Seven...

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven?

Yes, with breakfast. One egg. Let me see. $7.

Seven times seven, 56. Minus...

My dear young lady, could you make it...

Not seven times seven, Mr. Louis.

One times seven. $7 a week. A week?

With breakfast. One egg.

$7 a week with a gymnasium.

You're driving a hard bargain, my dear young lady.

$7 a week.

But, Mr. Louis, I don't... It is yours.

But I don't want... It is yours.

You want breakfast? You got it.

But, look, I wouldn't... I... I want you here.

One egg, two eggs, three eggs. Ostrich eggs.

What do I care? I'll send a truck and move you immediates.

You can't. I owe for the week.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well, well, well, we'll pay it.

Why? Why? Why? Why? I'll tell you why.

I don't beat around the back door to come down in the coal chutes.

Come here, please. Come here. Look.

You see them lights going on and off? Yes.

That's bellboys. They switch the switches, so the people don't know that my hotel is a fizzle. Now, that's of course strictly confidentials.

Oh, what a shame, Mr. Louis, I'm so sorry. But with you here, anyway I have some legitimate lights in my towers.

Oh, I see what you mean. You can do also me a little favor, too.

What? The next time you see Mr. Ball...

Mr. who? Oh, I'm sorry.

I... I shouldn't have mentioned names.

The next time you see that certain party without the name, will you tell him what a beautiful layout we have here, what a beautiful, classy service we have here?

Will you tell him, that under no circumstances, you will not move? Tell who?

That certain party, you know... Where?

Wherever it does the most good.

Oh, you mean you want me to boost your hotel?

That's the exact word. I could not have said that in 10 years.

Boost it in the right place and soon.

Well, I'll do my best, Mr. Louis.

And loud. Yeah, and loud.

And how. Yeah, and how.


Golly.


MAN: Thank you.


If I hadn't seen it, I wouldn't have believed it.

I've seen a lot of things today, I never would have believed.

Yeah.


Haven't I seen you somewhere? I don't think so.

I didn't get to the Waiters' Ball this year. Oh, neither did I.

Were you at the Junior League dance?

Were you at Mrs. Astor's on Thursday?

No, I couldn't get away in time. Oh, too bad.

It couldn't have been nicer. Really?

Were you in Palm Beach in February?

Were you in St. Moritz, Christmas?

No, I couldn't make that, either.

Well, I couldn't make it, either. So I guess we haven't met.

By the way, I hear the beefsteak pie is magnificent.

Six nickels. And with three nickels more you can get a grapefruit...

Oh, shut up. I'm sorry.

I thought part of my job would be to suggest things.

Yes, well, if you can suggest where to get the nine nickels, I might take your suggestion.

Otherwise, don't go around putting ideas into people's mouths.

I'm sorry. What's the matter?

Haven't you any...

(SIGHS)


Listen.

You again.

You go over to that Hot Dish window... Hotchkiss window?

What's the matter? You got something wrong with your teeth?

I said, "Hot dish window," smartie.

You go over there and pick out what you like, see, and I'll go in back and work the gag. I'm allowed in the back.

Say, what are you trying to do? Land us all in the jug?

I'll put the nickels in when I get paid and you can pay me back sometime.

I'm not that hungry. Don't be a sucker, sister.

That beef pie is a wow. Suppose they see you?

Well, I'll say the gag was stuck. Now, go on.

I'll meet you behind the grapefruit. No, no. Wait, wait.


(WHISPERING) Is everything all right?

Everything's hunky-dory.

I'll see you at the beef pies.


(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

The door stuck. I mean, the gag isn't working. Neither are you, buddy. Come on.

Now, listen. Don't start pushing me around.

Now, don't get hard. I'm not as soft as I look.

Oh, you think so? I think so.

(GRUNTS)


(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

(WHISTLES)

Hey. Food. Food.

Come on, folks. Right here, for food.

All free food. Let's go.


Hey, wait a minute. That's my food.

I just put that there.

Hey, listen, that's mine.

Hire a hall. It's mine.

Come on.

(ALL SNEEZING)


You mean... You mean, you... You lost your job?

(CHOKING) well, there wasn't any...

(COUGHS)

There wasn't any future to it, anyway.

Slave for 20 years and you're...

You're still behind the nut salad.

I know, but that's awful. That's... That's terrible.

Have you got any money saved up? Money?

No.

Now, you see?

When you're working you ought to save your money, and then when you're resting you can eat.

Mmm-hmm. Like you.

No, not like me.

But when you're hungry, no busboy is going to lose his job trying to feed you.

Yes, there's something in that.

More than meets the eye.

Have you got a place to sleep?

Oh, sure, sure. Where?

(BABBLING)...Park Avenue.

What?

(BABBLING)...Park Avenue.

Huh. In the park.

Mmm-hmm. In the park. Well, supposing a guy does go in the park and... well, I think you'd better come up to the Louis and we'll talk it over.

The Louis? Okay.

You live at the Louis? Sure.

Then what were you doing in the Automat? Eating.

Oh.

Kitchings. Wait a minute.

Just why did he want you to live here?

He said the lights in his tower were illegal and if I came and lived here it would be all right or something or other.

I didn't really know what he meant.

Gas box. A what?

It runs by gas, but we don't believe it.

(IMITATING LOUIS) First bedroom. Hotsies, eh?

Are you sure he didn't say anything else?

He said I should put in a good word for the place with anybody I met and you're the first person I met, so I brought you right over.

Look. Invisibles. Glass to you.

Fifth, uh... You know, he did say something about telling somebody something or other, but then he said he shouldn't mention names, and he was sorry or something, I don't know.

Who?

Mr. Louis. You know, I think the guy's crazy.

No, no, no, no, no.

What name did he mention and then say that you shouldn't mention?

Well, he said, "Bull."

Bull. Yeah.

That's funny. My name's Ball.

That's funnier still. What?

That was it. That was what?

That was the name he said.

Ball? Yes.

To bed so early, sir?

Well, what is it to you?

There's nothing like it, sir, for a dull night.

Will that be all, sir? What did she take with her?

Twelve trunks, sir, 17 suitcases, three jewel boxes, oh and an umbrella, sir.

Why an umbrella in Florida?

Well, we thought it ill-advised, sir. Would that be all, sir?

My son come in yet? Not yet, sir.

What did he take with him? He took nothing, sir, nothing at all.

Fathead. Sir.

I said my son was a fathead.

Indeed, sir? It had escaped us, sir.

Will that be all, sir? No, sir... I mean, yes.

Pack me a bag and take it down to the club. This place is getting clammy.

Yes, sir. No. Wait a minute. I've changed my mind.

The club is deader than this is. Take the bag to the Ritz.

Very good, sir. No, no. Wait a minute. Wait, wait.

You better take it to the Hotel Louis. Certainly, sir.

The Hotel Louis, you know? Yes, sir.

(LAUGHING)

Louis will drop dead.

Find anything? Nope.

Well, he said it was to wash in, but I don't know what you'd wash in it.

An elephant.

(CHUCKLES)

Doesn't she look silly standing up there with her hands sticking out?

I guess she doesn't know, either. Doesn't know what?

What it's for.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought for a moment that this might have something to do with it.

(SCREAMS)

(SHIVERING) Turn it off. It's cold.

Turn it off.

Elephants, huh?

Well.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

What's that? A buzzer.

Oh, oh...

They mustn't find you here. Hide someplace. Hide.

I... I can't get out.

Oh.

Oh, don't be frightened, Miss Smith, it's only me. Just take the fan.

Oh! Oh, hello. Hello.

Now, just pour yourself into these, dear, and fall in a faint.

My dear, I want you to try these on, without any obligation whatsoever.

After all, you know, you're practically my discovery.

MARY: All right. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

(EXCLAIMS) Bye-bye.

You know, there's something awfully phony about this.

Are you just beginning to find that out?

What do you mean you won't publish it in your column, Mr. Wallace?

In the second place it is the truth and in the third place she lives here right here in the Hotel Louis, the roundabouts of the bong tong.

I don't know who you've got living here, but I tell you the old man don't buy fur coats for dames.

If anybody knew, it would be me, wouldn't it?

I'm telling you, she is, he does, but you don't.

I don't what? You don't know what's going on in New York.

I don't know what's going on in New York. You just ain't up to date.

I just ain't up to... You just lost a grips.

Listen, you greasy little hamburger... Hamburger.

(SHUSHING) Mr. Ball's at the desk, Mr. Louis.

Mr. B... Yes.

How long does it take to get a room in this shebang?

Oh, Mr. B. You are a sight for eyesore.

(LAUGHING) Huh?

I want a room with a bath. A room with a bath.

Now, let me see. The Imperial Soot is already occupied.

Give me the key of the Royal. I don't want the Royal.

I want a room with a bath. All right.

Give me the key of the Prince of Pilsen Soot.

I don't want the Prince's Soot. I want a room with a bath.

But a room with a bath cannot be up in the tower...

Well, what do I want to be in the tower for?

You don't mean to tell me you don't want to be near the Imperial Soots?

What for?

Give me a plain double room. With a bath.

Naturally, with a bath. You don't think we use the rain barrel, do you?

Excuse me. Just a jokes.

(LAUGHING)

After you, Mr. B.

It is an unexpected pleasure to have you here, Mr. B.

I just moved in for the funeral.

Yes, but it's the last corpse who laughs the longest.

Mr. Louis, I was just looking for you.

(GESTURING) what?

Oh, hello. Hello, Santa Claus.

How do you do?

How are you getting along? All right.

You know each other, eh? Well, well, well. Yes.

You live here? Yes.

Yes, I do. Mr. Louis made me a very special rate.

With breakfast. Yes, one egg.

That's what I want to talk to you about, Mr. Louis.

I was wondering if I could have the egg now instead of in the morning?

You mean now? Yes.

Don't you think supper'd be a better idea?

I don't think I'm entitled to supper.

Entitled. Is she entitled.

You name it and we'll wrestle her up quick.

Ernest. Ernest. Take an order. Now.

Now, I should think you should have... You should have now, here now, a little snack of Lobster Financier? No, no, no. Not at all.

Have you any guinea hen? LOUIS: Yes.

Breast of guinea hen on Westphalian ham. Guinea hen.

What I am thinking about. Naturally.

And a little salad with orange and avocado.

No, no, endive and beetroot.

And don't forget the truffles with the guinea hen.

Endive and beetroots? Yes, that's right, but may I make a suggestion?

A little bottle of 1923 Mums, don't you think?

No, I do not. I think she should have George Goulet, 1919.

With guinea hen? Mmm. You heard me.

And a bomb surprise for the end.

You are good and hungry now, yes?

Yes, yes, I am.

Now, Ernest, serve for two up in the Imperial Soots...

And make it snappy. Yes, sir.

Please. Take care of it. Ninth floor. Yes, sir.

Hello. City Desk.

Kill that Leisendorf blessed event and lead off with, "what leading international financier..."

Make that "Flash. What leading international

"financier has gone pfoof with his wife

"over a beautiful gal at the Hotel Louis?"

Take the lady to the Imperial Soots. Yes, sir.

What was that young lady's name?

(STUTTERING) What's the young lady's... Mary Smith.

Smith? Mmm. Exacts.

I thought it was Jones.

What a diplomat.

JOHN: That's one of the finest suppers I ever supped.

No, that's not right. Yes, it is, too. Supped.

It's just like Arabian Nights or something, except you don't look much like Prince Charming.

You know, we used to have a chef years ago that could fix guinea hen just like that.

That's one of my father's favorite dishes. Poor old father.

Say, he must have been pretty rich at one time.

Who? Your father.

I mean, to have a chef and all like that. Oh.

Oh, yes.

Has he been dead long? Who, the chef? No.

I think he went back to Bulgaria or Romania or someplace.

No, no. I mean your father.

Did I say he was dead?

Well... Well, you said, "Poor old father." well, you don't have to be dead to be "poor old father."

You don't even have to be poor.

I suppose you don't have to be old, either. Not so terribly.

Well, I wouldn't go around saying, "Poor old father" and squeezing sympathy out of people.

I wasn't trying to squeeze any sympathy.

I should think a fellow has a right to think of his folks once in a while, so when I said, "Poor old father..."

What are you going to look for?

I said, when I said, "Poor old father..."

In the morning, what kind of a job?

Oh.

Oh, I don't know. What do you suggest?

Well, I'd... I'd aim a little higher, I think.

It wouldn't do any harm, you know.

Can't you do anything besides wait on table?

(CHUCKLES) I can't even wait on table.

All I know is how to take the dishes off.

Didn't you study to be anything?

Anything like what?

Like a... Like a dentist or something.

Mmm-mmm.

Well, how did you expect to while away the hours after you grew up?

I didn't have to study to do that.

In training I have whiled away an hour in 26 minutes flat.

Of course, I always had a dream that one day I'd be able to do it in 25, but...

I remember there was a fellow in college called Underdunk who had the longest legs... Oh, shut up.

Come to think of it, it wasn't Underdunk, it was Overdunk.

You know, I'm awfully glad you came into the Automat.

So am I.

Good night. Good night.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Say...

BUTLER: "What leading international financier

"has gone pfoof with his wife over a beautiful girl, "and followed her over to the Hotel Louis?"

ALL: Ah!

Many things are clear today which previously were murky.

Over to where?

I said, over to the Hotel Louis.

It's simply swarming with bankers.

What's the matter with this hotel? It isn't fashionable, dear.

You will notice when J.B. Ball wants to peccadillo, he doesn't pick it here, he goes over to the Hotel Louis.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CONTINUES RINGING) Hello. Hello. Hello.

(PHONE RINGING)

(CONTINUES RINGING) Hello, Hello.

Hello. Yes, this is me.

This is the V-16 Company of America.

You want to what? Did I ever what?

Oh, no. Of course I've never driven one. No. No, we had a Saxon. Yes.

Yes. Well, I suppose they are different.

Well, what do you want to do that for? Oh, well...

I'll take your word for it.

Yes. But, look, even if I did want it, what would I use for...

Oh, but, mister, you...

Look, please, you don't...

Yeah, I know, but I... Yeah.

Well, all right. All right.

Yes, you can put two chauffeurs in it if it'll make you happy.

Pink. Well... Well, any color you like.

All right, all right. Goodbye.

(PHONE RINGING)

Yes? Yes, this is Miss Smith.

Well... Well, just fine. How did you sleep? Who?

Well, you'll have to say it again... Cart what? Oh, Corray. Yes. Yes.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

Yeah, I got it. Yeah. Yeah, but...

No, no, I haven't any of those. I'm sorry.

You make... You make what? Yes. Well, that's wonderful. That's, that's lovely, but I don't want any jewelry. No. No.

(PHONE RINGING)

Wait a minute.

Yes? Yes. Yes, this is me. Please. Please don't do that.

How do you know I'm honest? Maybe I'll run away with them.

No, I don't want a... I've already got a fur coat.

(PHONES RINGING) Look, Mr... Mr. Corray, look.

You see, I just got up and I'd like to take a bath. Yes.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(KNOCKING AT DOOR) I said I want to take a bath.

(RINGING CONTINUES) Look, if you'll just give me a chance to wake up.

I said I want to brush my teeth.

All right. All right. Oh! All right!

(KNOCKING)

(DOORBELL BUZZING) Oh!

Good morning. Good morning. Good morning.

Good morning. All for you. Oh, good morning.

All for you. All for you.

Answer the phone, will you, please?

(IN FOREIGN ACCENT) Hello. This is the Smith residence.

Tell him I'm canning some fruit.

The missus... I mean, the miss has gone hunting.

No, the hunting with hounds on a horse. I beg your pardon? No.

I said an horse, an equine. You know...

(IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING)

What do you mean, how big a suites?

She gets what we give.

Hello. No, no, no.

We don't give any informations from the customers.

What kind of a dump do you think this is?

Mary Smith.

Here, here. When a man takes the trouble to come here...

Please, please, please, please.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello, is this you, Louis?

This is Mrs. J.B. Ball.

(GASPS)

I want some information.

I'm sorry, madam, but I think you got the wrong Louis.

Did you have a pleasant night, Mr. Ball?

Mr. B., good morning. I want... Good morning.

That certain party call up but I give her the bum steers.

What? The storm and strifes.

She just give me a buzz, but I got her entirely mystified.

Well, you've got me entirely mystified, too.

"Cocktail waitress, $12 and tips." Oh.

(PHONES RINGING CONTINUOUSLY)

Oh. "Must have curves."

Well, you've got them, haven't you?

Oh, thank you, Johnny.

"Let us teach you tattooing." No.

Say, here's one I can do. Listen to this.

"Are you worried? Take your troubles to the Professional Listener.

"$1.50 an hour." what?

There it is right there in black and white.

That's better than the Automat.

Well, I don't know, Johnny. I don't think you'd make a very good listener.

Well, there must be something for somebody that can't do anything.

Well, look here. "Attractive widow with small capital

"would like to meet gentleman with sense of humor." How's that?

I guess I'm kind of dumb, at that.

Oh, no, you're not. You're just a little underdeveloped, that's all.

I beg your pardon.

Oh.

Well, it's only temporary, you know.

It's just that some people develop sooner than others, that's all...

But when those others are developed, why, they're just as well developed as the others, you see what I mean?

It's like now, you... You take a chicken.

Well, a chicken reaches maturity at...

Well, whenever it is, but on the other hand, a horse...

Oh, a horse takes much longer.

You think I'm the horse type?

You know, I think I'm kind of dumb sometimes myself.

You're awfully sweet.

Do you think so, Johnny?

Yes.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

No, no. You... You finish your breakfast. I'll go.

Ah, Miss Smith, E.J. Hulgar and Company, stock brokers. All principal cities.

What? I want to make you some money and the best way is in steel. Is it going up or down, that's all we have to know.

I'd like to make you a lot of money.

Well, look, that's wonderful.

Go right ahead. Go ahead and what?

Well, go ahead and whatever it is.

Well, whatever it is... That's what I came to see you about.

Shall I buy or shall I sell?

Well, why don't you just use your own judgment?

That's the one thing in the world that I don't want to use.

But if you could find out how he feels about it, if you could sort of worm it out of him then we'd have something.

Who? Him.

Who's him? Allbay.

Allbay? Mr. Ball.

Oh, you mean him. Well...

Well, I'll ask him, but I'm sure he doesn't know a thing about it.

He's here? Yes. He's having his breakfast.

I... I... I'll wait out in the hall.

Well, what do you want to do that for?

Don't mention my name. No.

Uh, I don't even remember what it is.

Oh, look, "Sponge rubber neckties, "look like leather, wear like iron." Johnny!

A man in the hall wants to know what you think about steel.

Steel neckties? No, no, plain steel.

Is it going up or down? Oh, down!

Down? Yes.

How do you know? Oh, my father told me!

You see, whenever it looks like rain, the stock market goes down, like a dog follows a cat.

You're sure, now? Oh, I've made a deep study of it!

Well, all right.

He says it's going down. Down?

Down. Holy smoke!

Down! Down! Down!

Down! Down!

Going up? No, down!

Yes, sir. Down!

...that steel is going up!

It's the chance we've been waiting for, gentlemen!

Did you win?

Steel is going up!

Why are ore shipments so heavy?

Stop fooling with that pen!

Why is pig iron soaring? What does it mean, when steel scrap is scarcer than hen's teeth?

Have you got a pin? What?

No!

I tell you...

...that steel is due for a big drop!

Double exclamation point.

"This is the greatest opportunity the clients of E.J. Hulgar and Company

"have ever had to participate in advance information

"from the world's greatest expert on steel!"

Triple exclamation point!

And Mr. Salmon of London, and Mr. Jonas, and Mr. Metzger, and Lord Beaver.

All right, all right!

Take a letter.

Uh...

"Miss Mary Smith, care of the Boys'..." what-do-you-call-it, "New York, New York."

No, make that the Hotel Louis, New York, New York.

What is this, anyway? "My dear Miss Smith."

No. "My dear Mary..."

Uh...

"My dear Mary."

Don't rush me! Now, where was I?

"My dear Mary." Oh. Oh. Oh.

"My dear Mary.

"There was a schoolboy called Jones..." Make his name willie.

Willie Jones. No, no! Just plain Willie!

And I want it on plain paper. We got any plain paper?

If we haven't, we can get some. All right.

"There was a schoolboy called Willie Jones..."

Just Willie. I said his name was Jones!

"...who wanted a hundred marbles to play a game of maggies."

Aggies. Oh, whatever you call it!

Have you got that? Of course I have.

All right. Now.

"His friend..." What is this here?

Tell the porter to come and clean it up!

"On the other hand, his friend Henry...

(MACHINE PRINTING) "His friend..."

Say, steel is too low! Buy 1,000 at the market!

1,000 steel.

Tell Mr. Hyde to come in here!

Send Mr. Hyde in.

"On the other hand, his friend Henry...

(MACHINE PRINTING) "On the..."

Five more! And tell that fellow to hang onto the end of the line!

Five more! 10 more, and watch it.

Did you ring for Mr. Hyde? Yes, sir.

Get me Kirk and Company. Kirk and Company.

"On the other hand, his friend Jack said..."

His friend's name was Henry. What do you mean his name was Henry!

(BUZZES)

Kirk and Company on one.

Hello. Hello. I want to talk to the Colonel.

Yeah. I always thought his name was Jack!

(MACHINE PRINTING)

There's somebody over there trying to pull something!

If they think they can kid me, they're crazy!

Hello! Kirk? This is Ball.

I want 50 steel. What? No!

50,000! Yeah. Right!

Where's Hyde? He's in the barber shop.

He's always in the barber shop!

You tell that fathead for me that if he...

Oh...

This is a fine time to be fixing your hair!

Well, I was only down in... I don't care where you were!

If you paid more attention to the stock market and less to your hair...

This is unfair, Mr. Ball! Don't you "Mr. Ball" me!

(MACHINE PRINTING)

Buy 50 more!

50 more. Now, you get down on the floor where you belong!

Well, well, well, how about my hair?

I don't care anything about your hair!

Get out of here! Well, is anything happening?

Why don't you get down there and find out!

(CHATTERING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Yes.

Oh, just a moment, please.

Miss Smith!

Oh, Miss Smith! Telephone, please.

Oh, excuse me.

Yes? Hello. Hello.

Hello! Are we alone? I mean, can you talk?

Good. Well, you've just made $18,000.

$18,000! What do you mean, $18,000?

That's right. Two times nine.

Call me at once if you get any more news. Goodbye.

Oh, wait! Wait!

(STUTTERING) What did you say?

What?

$18,000! Oh, no.

This one is $200,000! That's what he said!

That's what he said! What?

(ALL CLAMORING)

Johnny. What?

I'm going to buy a dog!

You know, one of those great, big woolly ones, Johnny, with the bangs all over its eyes! Mary! Mary! Mary!

I know they have fleas but I don't care. I've wanted one all my life.

Oh, snap out of it, please!

Johnny! Oh, Johnny, we've just made $18,000.

9,000 for you and 9,000 for me!

(CRYING)

One of those great, big woolly ones, Johnny.

Is there a doctor in the house?

(CLAMORING)

And 50! And 50.

20 more. 20 more.

Get me Kirk and Company. As your partners, J.B., we...

Oh, keep quiet! We don't want to buy any more...

Keep quiet! Hello.

No, I didn't say that to you. Hello, Kirk? Listen!

Yeah. All right.

Well, you get me all that you can swing! We think it very unwise!

We absolutely refuse to buy any more steel!

You'll run us all into bankruptcy!

You're in bankruptcy now, you fathead!

The only thing that will save us is steel! My poor wife!

BALL: Go and sit down someplace!

Get me Noyes and Company. 20 more.

Noyes and Company. That was Mrs. Ball's lawyers, Spitz and O'Neil. 20 more. What do they want? 10 more.

10 more. Mrs. Ball is divorcing you. Holy smoke!

20 more. 20 more.

BOY: Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Extra! Extra!

Probably my old man pulling a fast one!

I forgot. You don't know my old man, do you?

Fortunes vanish! Let me see that, will you?

Hold that! Market crash! Worse than '29!

Hey, wait a minute! Let me see that!

Say, where's the subway? Well, what's the matter?

Come on, give me a nickel! Where are you going?

Why don't you use the car? Subway's faster. I'll see you later, Mary.

Hey, you big lug! Give me my dime!

BALL: Stop doing that!

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello. Hello.

(BUZZING CONTINUES)

Hello. Mr. Hyde.

Yeah. Lester? Yeah.

It's no use, J.B. We can't turn it.

Looks as if everybody in the country's selling. Yeah.

Now, take it easy. Take it easy.

You did the best you could. Yeah.

We might buy...

Oh, never mind!

All right. Yeah. Goodbye.

Why don't you birds go out and eat somewhere?

You, too, Lillian, and get me a sandwich.

I have one for you outside, Mr. Ball.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Put it on the desk.

Jenny!

Juny!

I didn't know! There, there!

My gracious!

You know I'd scrub floors for you, Juny!

I'd do anything! We've been through tighter squeaks than this. You haven't scrubbed any floors yet.

But I would! Of course you would, and you'd probably do a fine job of it. Thank you, Juny.

And...

And I forgive you everything.

Even the...

The girl at the Hotel Louis.

Now, look here! You've got me mixed up with somebody else!

I did spend the night at the Hotel Louis, yes!

I don't expect you to admit it!

After all, you're a handsome, forceful man and... well, I'm not exactly the debutante you married.

Now, Jenny! I've got trouble enough!

Out of simple decency you ought to...

I wouldn't talk about decency if I were you, Juny!

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Come in!

Hello, Father. Hello, Mother.

BALL: Ha! The prodigal! Anything I can do?

Anything but floor scrubbing. Your mother's spoken for that!

How can you be so cruel, Juny?

I'm not cruel, Jenny. I'm just laying out the work.

When everything was going so nice!

Every cloud has a silver lining.

Never mind the weather! we got a lot of things to worry about.

Why don't you look where you're going?

Excuse me! Look what I've got, Mr. Louis!

Come on! Come on up, Snooks. And I've got something for you, bowl of goldfish! Look. Put them right here, Mr. Hornsby.

There are eight in there, I think. Come on, don't act like that.

I am dying and she is bringing the animals!

Did you see the papers? Yes, I saw the headlines.

It says that certain party is tottering and every time he's tottering, I am tittering!

Oh, did something happen to your hotel, Mr. Louis?

If he's in the soup, the Hotel Louis is blooey!

Who's in the soup?

The certain party that give you the sables.

What sables?

My dear young lady, we are all alone.

Will you please cut the tragedy!

But I haven't got any sables!

I am trying to give you my friendship, and she plays puss-around-the-corner! What is this, a horse?

No, smarty, it's Kolinsky!

Me and you both.

Well, if you don't believe me, ask Mr. Van Buren!

Well, if it's just the same to you, I'd rather remain on the sidelines.

He's the one who told me!

Well... If this is sable, he must've made a mistake.

You... You... You wouldn't give a sable coat to a stranger, would you?

Who, me? LOUIS: Never!

(PARROT SQUAWKS)

What was the name of the gentleman that helped you order my supper last night?

Too far is enough!

The Imperial Soot for one buck a day, with breakfast, one egg, I don't mention!

The bottle of Goulet 1919, guinea pigs, hunky-dorey! But when you tell me that you don't even know the name of J.B. Ball, my dear young lady...

Do you mean to tell me that old gentleman is J.B. Ball?

Mmm-hmm.

And you thought I took a sable coat from him?

Come on, Snooky. Come on, Mr. Hornsby! We won't stay around here!

Get out from my hotel!

Put that back in the icebox!

Such a humiliation!

That's terrible!

What do you suppose made it crash? A little stock called steel that you probably don't know anything about!

This little stock dropped 40 points since it opened this morning!

I guess that answers your question.

So steel went down? Down is right!

Well, that's certainly very funny.

It certainly is, if you can take a joke!

No, I mean because I told her it was going down when that screwball in the hall wanted to know.

What screwball in what hall? I didn't see him, but you know how it is when somebody comes in and asks you how you feel about steel. Why you just naturally...

Who comes in? That girl I met in the Automat.

Since when are you eating in the Automat?

I don't eat there. I work there!

Or I used to. You mean where they push these things out at you? Yeah. Yeah.

So when she said there was a screwball in the hall who...

Didn't I already say that? Yeah.

Yeah. I thought so. So I said, casually, of course, not meaning a thing, I thought the weather looked kind of threatening and that consequently steel would go down.

(SCOFFS)

He said steel would go down because the weather was bad!

There's your son for you!

But I told you I was only joking!

Don't you know you can't make jokes about steel with a name like Ball!

Well, I did.

Say, I wonder does Mary know who that guy was?

Not that it matters. Mary who?

Mary Smith.

Mary Smith? Yes, Mary Smith!

Say, haven't I got a right to know a girl called Mary Smith?

You mean Mary Smith at the Hotel Louis? Yeah.

Say, wait a minute! How did you know she's at the Hotel Louis?

I thought the whole world knew it!

Get me the Hotel Louis!

She told me she didn't know you.

JENNY: Don't you read the papers, dear?

(PHONE BUZZING)

Hello...

Hello! Is this the Hotel Louis?

I want to talk to Mr. Louis.

Yes, Mr. B.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, that one? I threw her out!

What? But, Mr. B., she's a phony from Phonyville!

She told me she was your palsie-walsie, and then she eat me out of the house, and... But... But... But...

But how I am supposed to know, Mr. B.!

I am not a diplomats!

I am a great cook. I am the... Mr...

What's the matter? Yes.

This time the goose is geesed or visa versa!

I tell you, you can't see him! MARY: But I've got to see him!

It's terribly important! Now, now, now!

You don't understand. He's made a very expensive mistake!

Look, Mr. Ball is that busy, if the King of France himself come on bended knees...

In the first place, France hasn't any king... Pardon me, please.

Oh, I don't know! Come on, fellows!

Hello. Police Department?

Give me Captain Jackson of the Traffic Squad. I want a V-16 picked up.

What! You say you fired her! License Number 8C-9982.

Say, listen! Is this the Boys' what-you-call-it?

And I... Why don't you get these things un-snarled!

I can't talk over a phone. There's no time to fix anything in this madhouse! Hello!

It's a big V-16, and Mr. Ball wants it picked up right away.

Oh. So! All right!

Well, any time I can do you a favor, you big fathead, you let me know!

Where did you say you left her?

At a pet shop on 6th Avenue and 35th Street.

Get me a list of pet shops right away! List of pet shops!

Why should she pretend she didn't know him?

The less we know, dear, the happier we're apt to be!

Was she wearing anything unusual you could identify her by?

She had on two English sheepdogs, a goldfish bowl and a pair of parrots!

Is that unusual enough?

LILLIAN: She had on two English sheepdogs and...

No! No! No! She didn't have on...

I mean, she bought two English sheepdogs, a goldfish bowl and a couple of parrots.

You got those contracts signed yet? Say, mister!

I've got to see Mr. Ball! Could you arrange it for me?

Oh, you've got to see Mr. Ball! Yes.

Would you like to see him in person?

Thanks very much. No!

No, in the movies!

(SIGHS)

Say! Say, fellows, come here! Come here, fellows!

Now, listen, fellows, when I say, "Go," you go like anything, see?

All right. One, two, three, go!

MAN: Hey!

Hey, wait...

(BARKING)

MAN: Hey! Hey!

(PEOPLE CLAMORING)

Don't talk to your father like that! Both of you be quiet!

Oh, he's always yelling at me! What's going on around here!

Never heard so much noise in my life!

What the... Mary! Mr. Ball, these dogs and this woman...

Keep quiet and get out of here!

I got here just as fast as I could.

(EXCLAIMS) So you didn't know my father!

Are you... Is he... Why, I didn't know...

You shut up! We're old friends! Keep out of this!

I hurried right down here. Do you know, this isn't Kolinsky at all, it's sable! And I knew you wouldn't give me sable!

You mean he even gave you the coat?

Well, I didn't know he was your father.

Well, supposing you didn't?

Is that any reason why you should take a coat from the guy!

I don't know. I thought... Wait a minute.

Shut up, both of you!

If I could get a word in edgeways around here with one of my unimportant quibbles, we'll get somewhere!

Get out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here!

Now.

Did you tell anybody Mr. Ball said steel was going down?

Uh, only Mr. Hulgar. Only Mr...

And all the principal cities.

Oh! You don't mean E.J. Hulgar and Company!

That must have been the screwball in the hall.

Well, this is a fine time to find it out!

Well, didn't you want it to go down?

No! No! No!

J.B.! Your blood pressure!

No!

Then why doesn't she tell him it's going up?

BALL: Tell who? Hulgar. If a thing works once, it'll work twice. What do you mean, tell Hulgar!

Of all the nonsensical, idiotic idea I ever heard in my life...

(EXCLAIMS)

Yes. Yes.

Yes, this is me! Well, this is me.

I've got some very important news.

Steel is going up. Do you understand?

Up? Holy smoke!

We'll have to cover right away!

You'd better get plenty of covers!

And listen! I don't know what this means, but I understand that he's got it...

He's got it...

(WHISPERS) What?

What? Oh, give me a piece of paper, quick!

Cornered! Cornered! Yes, he's got it cornered!

Do you know what that means?

Holy mackerel! Are you sure?

Goodbye!

And don't forget to tell all the principal cities.

He's gone. Well.

(MACHINE PRINTING)

Where's Hyde?

He's in the... He's in the barber shop! I thought so!

Mr. Ball wants you right away! Ball? Get me out of here! Let me up!

Mr. Ball wants me!

I told you I didn't know who he was, so when I said I didn't know your father, I didn't know him, because I didn't know he was your father!

(SCOFFS)

Then why did you take the coat?

I didn't want to, but your father kept saying that I shouldn't be a smarty and that I shouldn't know all the answers, and besides, you don't know what a fur coat means to a girl who never even had a tippet!

(SCOFFS) well, how nice my coat looks on you!

Did you have it altered, Miss Smith?

I don't blame you for believing anything you want to believe about me.

If I loved a man the way you love Mr. Ball, and I thought someone was trying to steal him away from me, why I... Now, Mary, please!

But why this big lug, who practically spent the weekend with me, who shared the whole thing with me, who I thought was my friend, why he should believe all those things...

Now, calm yourself, please! Go soak your head in a bucket!

Here! Here!

Hurray! Buy 100!

Say, what's going on around here! Buy another 50!

Johnny, you don't suppose...

Buy 50 more! J.B., when do we sell?

When it hits 100!

Say, what's going on around here, anyway! When it hits...

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES) When it hits 100!

(CHATTERING)

Please, I... Please...

(BARKING)

Hey! Follow that car!

Just a minutes! I got to get out!

Go on, buddy, drive faster! Driver, not so fast, please!

Don't pay no attention to these guys! Get going!

I am in terrible troubles.

(POLICE SIREN BLARING)

Mr. Hornsby! Mr. Hornsby, we're being arrested!

Yes, mum, I know it.

All right, buddy, back where you came from! Come on!

Yes, Officer.

What's going on down there? I'm afraid the police have arrested Mary.

Mary! What's she done?

Johnny.

Johnny, they're trying to arrest me! I haven't done anything!

You saw me give the fur coat back, and I put the jewels under the horse.

You know where, Mr. Louis!

I don't want to be complicated! Oh.

Johnny, don't let them take me away!

No, no, no. I haven't done anything!

Where's Mr. Ball? I'm Mr. Ball. What do you want?

Are you the party that wanted her back so bad and so quick?

No. I'm Mr. Ball. I wanted her back.

J.B., steel is 105! J.B., steel is 105!

Well, sell 100! Make it 200!

Sell 100! Sell 200! Hey, you! Come on up here and go to work!

All right, all right clear the sidewalk.

It's just a little misunderstanding.

Not so little as you think!

Mary, come here! Come here!

Mary! What?

I've got a job! Oh, Johnny!

So have you. Well, what is it?

Cooking my breakfast! Johnny!

Didn't I tell you, you couldn't have that coat?

But, Juny! Now, let go of it!

(SCREAMS)