Easy Money (1983) Script

Greetings from Martin's Comedy Movies


Hey, take it easy will ya!

Hey, who's the big birthday girl, huh?

Me! Oh boy, hey how old are you?

I'm this!

Well call me when you're this, okay.

All right here we go now.

You got it straight, okay? Hold it there.

Hey, beautiful, beautiful! Okay!

Hey, what happened here? What's the matter, huh?

Johnny hit me. He don't like me anymore.

Oh, I know what you're goin' through, ya know.

You gave him the best three months of your life, huh?

Then he left you for a pail and shovel.

What do you see in him, anyway? What are you in love with?

He's not in your class. He's afraid of the dark. He wets his pants.

When he eats, he gets food all over his face. He's a mama's boy.

What are you, in nursery school now?

I guarantee you, by the time you get to kindergarten, you'll forget all about him, okay?

Hey, look who's here! Show time! Bobby Bunny, huh?

Here we go, kids, let's go here. Bobby Bunny's here...

What's that? Oh, nothing, nothing.

Bobby Bunny just dropped a few carrots, that's all.


Well, let's go over today's schedule.

It is exactly 6:33.

It is exactly 6:34.

At 7:00, we're meeting with the head of the furniture department regarding inventory.

Postpone the meeting. Double-check the inventory, and fire the cleaning staff.

7:20, you will crush the hopes of the loading dock workers regarding better working conditions.

Cancel the meeting, and send out a memorandum that the working conditions at the loading dock will remain as they have for the past 35 years.

Mm-hmm.

At 7:30, we'll be meeting with the accountants regarding donations and charitable contributions.

Cancel that meeting, and cancel my check to Boy's Town.

What time is Scrappleton coming?

Uh, 7:50, with the legal papers you requested.

As soon as you finish with Scrappleton, we leave for New Dorp, Staten Island to attend your granddaughter Allison's wedding.

Well, I hope she's made a better choice than her mother did!

Jesus! Rose!

How did you talk me into this?

You should use Allison. She's the one who has to wear it.

It's unlucky for the bride to wear her gown before the wedding day.

How unlucky can she get, look who she's marrying.

Come on dear, you shouldn't talk like that.

Julio's a good boy. Come on, Rose, will ya?

See the guy for what he is. He belongs to a gang.

It's a good boy's gang. They help people.

Ooh, take it easy, will ya? Oh, I'm sorry. Where'd I get you?

If I show you where you got me we'll never get outta here.

All right, hold still. I've gotta finish this.

You gotta pick up the cake, and mother will be here soon.

Your mother.

I gotta go to the john. Monty! Oh, the dress!

No, you're wonderful. Allison, I need the phone.

I'm in here! Come on, get outta there!

Get off, will ya? I am so hung up on you.

Good idea. I'll see you in church.

Daddy!

Don't worry, you won't lose him, all right.

Belinda, let's go.

Someday I'll be out of your life.

Yeah, right now get outta the bathroom, all right.

The best thing about having daughters.

Nicky boy, it's Monty.

Close the door.

Yeah?

Nicky, Rose's mother, she's on her way over.

So? What do you want from me?

I need the truck. I gotta pick up the wedding cake.

What am I supposed to be, Allied Vans?

You really know how to push a friendship, you know?

When's the last time you did something for me?

Hey Monty you got a short memory, you know?

Who drove all the way down to Atlantic City to bail you out when you owed $400?

At Belmont, you had four losers in a row.

Who gave you the winner in the fifth?

The cake's for your godchild, you ungrateful bastard you!

All right, all right. Give me a chance. I'm comin'.

Where's my stuff? By the front door. What's the rush?

I gotta go to work. I got a wedding to pay for.

Don't forget the cake.

How many years you know me? Did I ever forget anything?

Nicky, just in time. Beautiful!

I don't wanna see her fucking... mother!

Was it Nicky? No, no. It's not Nicky. No.

Oh, it's mother! Leave him, dear.

Just simply walk out on him.

His entire body is bloodshot. He'll never change.

Nice to see you too.

It's gonna be so much fun having everyone here.

Yeah, a lot of fun, a lot of fun.

Well, if it isn't my favorite relative.

Oh, don't start that bullshit, all right.

Monty, please bring mother's luggage upstairs.

Well what's Clive, a footstool? No, no, Monty, let me get this.

How can you stand him? You've gotta get to know him.

The wedding is gonna be wonderful.

We never get to see you.

The store takes up all my time.

Mother, why do you push yourself so hard?

The money doesn't matter.

When your father was alive, he ran Monahan's like a tyrant.

He paid the help next to nothing.

He drove them like sled dogs. Wonderful man.

Wonderful! Now that he's gone, I carry on his work.

Rose, I don't know how you can live with that man.

We're happy just the way we are.

Happy? Yeah, we were until a few minutes ago.

And we don't want a dime from you. You understand?

No offense.

No offense?

No offense?

You are an offense!

Why, you can barely walk erect.

You pollute the air with your smoking.

You reek of liquor and God knows what else.

You're an ecological menace!

Yeah, well you were the inspiration for twin beds.

And I'll tell you something else...

Monty, don't start with mother.

I'm not startin' nothin'. It never ended.

And to think of who you could have married. Pat Flannigan.

Do me a favor, will ya, don't start throwing up the guys she could've married.

He started out as a bricklayer.

Now he owns his own construction company.

And what about Tom O'Rourke? He started as a busboy.

Today he has his own restaurant.

Oh, yeah, I started out as a baby. Today I'm a baby photographer.

I'll see you later.

And I'm sure you're gonna talk about me when I'm gone.

Where do you live, in Vermont? What took you so long?

Why do you let her mother get to you?

Forget about her, will ya?

She never wanted Rose to marry me. Never.

She says I drink too much, I smoke too much, I gamble.

She's right, but what am I gonna do?

I can't control myself.

I got no, uh, what's the word I'm looking for, I got no...

Class.

Nah, we know I got class, no.

It's a certain word I'm looking' for.

What's the word for someone who can't say "no"?

Sonya. Not Sonya. No, not Sonya.

No, I got no...

Willpower! That's the word I'm lookin' for.

Willpower, I got no willpower. That's what it is.

Yeah, willpower.

Make a left on Elm. I got a quick shoot.

What shoot? You didn't say anything about a shoot.

Leave me alone. I got enough problems. Just take a left on Elm.

I got a quick shoot. I'll be quick. You can help me, all right.

Oh, I can help you. Well, thanks.

You really think I got no class?

No, I don't think you got no class.

I'm gonna be sad. Mmmmm. Very good, okay!

Now, I'm gonna be a monster. Watch this, okay.

Now the big one. Okay, the big one.

Can you be happy?

That's a good one! Okay, be happy.

Okay, here we are. Smile pretty.

Beautiful! There we go, we got it.

The other door. The other door!

I got it, I got it. The other door!

Get outta here. Oooh! Oh!

The cake, the cake!

Watch out for the top. I'm watching, I'm watching.

It's not gonna slide around in there, is it?

No, I got it wedged against a toilet.

This is just great. My favorite system a lock.

And I got Monty in the truck with a wedding cake.

I gotta pick up my mother, take her to the beauty parlor.

What's the tip? Big Boy in the fifth.

Forget it! The fifth goes off at 3:00.

We goin' to the track? I can't go. I got a bar to run.

This here's a sure thing.

It's forty to one. Hey!

Wake up, we're closing up. I didn't finish my drink yet.

You're finished now. Get outta here. Here's your dollar.

Come on, come on will ya. We've got five minutes to post.

Hey! Get the hell out of there!

Slow down, will ya, slow down. They're kids.

Nicky, take care of it.

What're you doing?

Sixty seconds to post time.

Are you gonna place a bet or what?

Oh, yes, yes. I'd like the number seven horse please.

Thirty seconds to post time.

I'd like to put two dollars to win, and two dollars to place and two dollars to show. Okay, buddy, good luck.

The next time you bet, remember, instead of saying two dollars to win, two dollars to place, two dollars to show, just say, "two across the board."

Gee, you mean instead of saying... What are you buyin', a house?

Two dollars to place...

Let's go while we're young.

We're gonna get shut out!

Yes, I have a friend that wants to bet the number seven horse.

Number six horse. Six horse.

No more bets.

And they're off!

Nicky, come on. We're goin' to the rail.

Big Boy making up lots of ground on the outside, moving to the fourth spot.

Here comes Big Boy with a rush on the extreme outside.

How's he doin'? How's he doin'?

Gettin' farther ahead all the time. Gimme those things.

Five lengths ahead!

Fifty bucks at forty to one!

That's two grand apiece! Two grand apiece!

You dragged me out here, you bastards, I love ya, I love ya!

That's two grand apiece! Two G's!

I'm goin' to Hawaii! I'm goin' to Hawaii!

He's fallin' back. I'm not goin' to Hawaii!

He's too far ahead to lose.

Look at him! He thinks he's water skiing!

We were in. What happened? Yeah, there's our winner.

I closed my bar! Get outta here!

I'll kill you.

I'll kill you, Bosco!

I'll kill him. I'll kill you!

There was supposed to be a fix. Crooks!

I was gonna buy a new neon sign.

Yeah, that's it. Step on his face!

That son of a bitch!

Go get him, Nicky!

My bridesmaids' dresses are lime green.

And my maid of honor is wearing lime green.

The maid of honor's dress should always be in contrast to the bridesmaids.

This is, um, delicious! What do you call it?

Chicken!

I know it's chicken, dear, but what kind?

There's Kiev, there's Florentine...

Shake & bake!

Mother, I'm glad you could come.

I've always been sorry you missed my wedding.

You know I couldn't go to your wedding.

That's cause Daddy was there.

Where is your father tonight, dear?

He's taking baby pictures.

Ha! What kind of a baby is it that's still up at 9 at night?

Sweetheart, watch out for this guy.

He'll buy you a bottle of beer, and squeeze the "schlitz" outta ya.

Who is this guy?

He's my friend. Don't worry about him.

Excuse me, miss. I don't mean to interrupt while you're working.

I was wondering if you could come over to the house Sunday for dinner and meet my mother?

Do you wanna go home? He's kiddin' around.

Excuse me, pal. You got a problem here? This is my friend.

Who are you? Who am I?

I'm the guy that put the bathrooms in this joint.

That's who I am.

Now I know why the place stinks, okay, pal?

Break it up, will ya? What's the matter?

Take it easy, will ya?

Ma? Hmm?

Am I pretty?

Oh, you're beautiful, sweetheart.

Julio's a very lucky boy.

I wanna make him happy.

But there's so much I don't know.

Like what? Like about, you know.

I know what? You know!

Oh, that.

Didn't your father tell you everything you need to know?

He keeps starting, but he never finishes.

What do you wanna know?

Foreplay. Have you ever heard of foreplay?

No, not with your father.

It's nice we can have these little talks.

Let's go help Belinda pour the coffee.

Wait, Mom.

How did you know that you really loved Daddy?

We were at Coney Island on the ferris wheel.

We got caught at the top.

Later on, I found out he paid the man a dollar to stop the ride.

Your father said things to me that were so sweet, so romantic.

I said to myself, "Here's a sensitive man."

Just once, a fuckin' four!

Four! Got a four!

Gimme the dice, I'm hot. Gimme the dice.

Hold it, hold it! You won, right?

We're ahead. We can leave winners right now.

Okay, so we go. Let's go.

Double or nothin'. Come on, here we go.

Oh, Monty!


You did it again, huh?

We were winners. We could've walked away.

That's how I am. Once I get goin', I can't stop.

Come on. Forget about it. It's history. Let's go.

Good stuff. It oughta be. I got it off a cop.

I'm starvin'. Let's go to Lucky's. He's open late.

He's closed.

Come on, Pop's inside. He'll let us in.

Pop's last dish.

We're drivin' a half hour.

The closest we came to food, we almost hit a deer.

Hey, there's a place.

I'm so hungry, I could eat the waitress.

No, no! No! It's wrong. Nicky, it's wrong.

I just wanna see what... It's wrong!

It's wedding cake flavor. I love wedding cake.

Why don't you get married?

Let me just lick the bride.

That's my daughter!

It's a little plastic thing. It's not your daughter.

Only one little flower each.

There's a lot of little flowers. Nobody will know the difference.

Forget about it. Let's get outta here.

And don't drive fast. You're drunk.

Don't worry about it. I drive better when I'm drunk.

You got a weird sense of humor. You know that?

You laugh at everything. Weather reports, car chase.

You laugh at everything.

Keep it straight, will ya? You're swerving all over the place.

I'm goin' straight. I'm on the yellow line, I told ya.

Move over to one side. The other side! What are ya doin?

You're on the other side! Get over here!

Keep to the right! Get your hands off the wheel!

Nicky look out!

My head! I hit my head!

What's so funny? Everything's funny to you.

You laugh and laugh.

Watch the road, will ya? Will you watch the road?

I lost my joint. Where's my joint?

Just watch the road, asshole.

Move the car, Nicky, the car!


You got some aspirin?


I'm sorry. It was an emergency.


You sure this is a good idea? Daddy.

Isn't she beautiful?

Yeah, but who's that with her?

What do you see in this guy?

He has everything I ever wanted.

You don't ask for much, do you?

Did your mother tell you everything you need to know?

She taught me how to fry bananas.

Oh, beautiful!

You'll end up working in a Spanish restaurant.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Daddy! The way you brought me up?

All right.

Welcome, Allison. Welcome, Julio.

Julio Vidal O'Campo, will you have Allison Juliana Capuletti, to be your wife, to live together in the covenant of marriage?

Shhh!

Will you love her, comfort her, honor her and keep her in sickness and in health, and foresaking all others, be faithful to her for as long as you both shall live?

I do.

Where's your father? He's directing traffic.

Please, let's go. Get outta here. Come on, towards me.

Back up, back up! Turn the wheel to the right. The wheel!

Where're you goin', what's happening here?

We gotta get outta here.

Hold it, will ya, he ain't goin' nowhere. What's your problem?

Hey!

Whoo!

Hey!

Whoo!

Why didn't he fix the walk? It's been this way for months!


Why can't you make everybody happy and shake hands with this kid?

Not me. Shake hands with him.

Go ahead.

Look at him, look at him.

If I look at him, I won't shake hands!

Look at him. Go ahead.

Now look, Julio. We're family now, all right?

Just do the right thing. Make Allison happy.

She's a great girl.

I know, I lived with her for 18 years.

Can I call you dad?

Oh, it's wonderful to see you two get along.

Good-bye, honey!

Hey, what are we doin' here, my glass is empty.

Come on, will ya?

Wow.

This is it.

Yeah, our first motel room.


Okay, let's get the guy up here who paid for this shindig.

Hold it, hold it. Let him talk.

I got nothin' to say, Nicky. Then sing a song. I sang.

I can't sing. Are you kiddin'? Sing "La Consonetta."

I'm no Sinatra, but here it goes. Okay?

Some think the world was made for fun and frolic And so do I and so do I Some think it's right to be so melancholic They'll pine and sigh they'll pine and sigh But I, I like to spend my time a-singing Some joyous song some joyous song To set the air with music ever ringing Is far from wrong is far from wrong Hark it, hark it music from afar Hark it, hark it with a happy heart Funiculi, funicula funiculi, funicula Joy is everywhere funiculi, funicula Hark it, hark it music from afar Hark it, hark it with a happy heart Funiculi, funicula funiculi, funicula Joy is everywhere funiculi, funicula Hark it, hark it music from afar Hark it, hark it with a happy heart Funiculi, funicula funiculi, funicula Joy is everywhere funiculi, funicula


How do I look?

You look beautiful.


I always dreamed about my wedding day.

I guess I never thought about the night.


Be gentle with me.

Julio!

This is foreplay.

I have a headache. I don't wanna touch your head.

Please, Julio, I've never been with a man before.

Neither have I!

Julio!

What's wrong with you? I don't know what to do.

I brought a book. A book?

"El Joyo de Sexo."

It's in Spanish. I'm gonna translate it for you.

It has a very happy ending. You're gonna love it.

Allison?

What do you want from me, Julio?

I never seen anything like that.

Try to understand.

I keep hearing my father say, "Don't."

He meant before you were married.

I'm not so sure. You don't know my father.

Allison,

listen to me.

My cousin once knew a guy, and the guy went out with a virgin for six months.

And on their wedding night, when they got married, and they wanted to consummate the marriage, the woman wouldn't let him.

And in the morning, they found the guy dead in the bed next to her.

Oh. Allison?

I don't wanna die.

You're my wife. Yeah.

I love you. Yeah.

We're all alone.

And your father, he is a million miles away.

Hello?

Julio, I just wanna say good night to my little baby.

My father!

You hung up on my father? I wouldn't hang up on your father.

You wouldn't understand my father.

Yeah, well, I'm not so sure I understand you either.

Well then why don't you go spend your wedding night with your father then?

Okay, I will!

Monty, don't forget to fix the walk.

Yeah.

Watch it, watch it! Watch where you're goin'!

My air mail!

Oh, my air mail!

Listen to me. I want my wife back.

Well, look who's here. Don Juan.

It's your fault she left me, man. What, am I responsible?

When Eddie Fisher broke up with Debbie, you blame me for that too, huh?

She don't wanna see ya.

You gotta help me, man. You gotta help me.

Give her time. She'll come back when she's ready.

You oughta give her a few drinks.

That's how I got her mother ready.

I'm in.

It's up to you, Paddy. Yeah.

What the hell is that you got on? This? This used to be a shirt.

You know Rose. She don't throw nothin' out.

She keeps lookin' at the cuffs.

Soon as they get frayed, it becomes a short-sleeve shirt.

When the collar goes, I end up with a pajama top.

Right now I got 23 short-sleeve pajama tops.

You know what I found in the closet? A hundred 1978 calendars.

That's Rose!

I tell ya, if 1978 ever comes back, we're in great shape, ya know.

Hey, are we gonna talk or we gonna play cards?

He'll talk.

Nicky, take it easy.

Take it easy, Nicky. He didn't mean it.

Monty, the phone.

Hello? Hello?

Monty, you have to pick it up.

You got the wrong number. There's nobody home. We're asleep.

Mr. Capuletti?

Are you there? Monty, who is it, Monty?

Hello, hello! Anyone there?

Who know a Scrappleton?

That's mother's lawyer.

Yeah. Yeah?

That's awful!

No, no. I'm sorry. I'll tell her.

I'll tell her. I'm sorry.

Monty, what happened?

Rose, you better sit down for this.

Is it mother?

Rose, there was a plane crash.

Your mother earned her wings.

It's all right. It's all right, baby.

"And to my nephew Clive, "son of my beloved departed brother, "whom I've undertaken to raise as a son of my own, "in as much as he has always led a simple, virtuous life, "and because it is my wish that he continue to do so, "I bequeath to him an additional income of $5,000 a year for the rest of his life."

Ah there must be some mistake, Dan.

There must be some more zeroes. No.

Um, a comma?

No.

"To my beloved daughter, Rose, "burdened as she is with cares and responsibilities, "I bequeath the remainder of my estate, "which includes Monahan's Department Store, estimated worth, $10 million."

Oh!

"If, and only if, her husband Monty can reform himself in one year."

What kind of reform you talking' about?

There is a codicil attached to the will, Mr. Capalooti.

That's Capuletti. Mr. Capuletti.

Which lists the activities which are to be proscribed:

That is, the things you must refrain from.

No smoking. No philandering.

No gambling. No drugs.

No alcohol.

No alcohol? Does that go for beer too?

Certainly.

And you must weigh not more than 175 pounds.

Uh, question?

Assuming Monty can't reform, perish the thought...

Oh, then you get the money.

I do?

Forget about it. I'm not doin' it. You're right, forget it.

Daddy, come on, you can do it! It's $10 million!

Oh, and Mr. Capalooti, should you decide to accept these terms, remember we'll be watching you.

I need a drink and a cigarette so I can think this over, ya know.

Twelve months? Forget about it.

You can do that standing on your head.

It's easy money.

Hey, that's a lot of money, Monty.

That could parlay into a fortune for you.

I couldn't care less, Monty, but think of the kids.

Think about mommy. Think of your wife, and your kids.

Think of me, ya bum!


Monty, breakfast is ready.

Oh, breakfast. Beautiful.

I stopped smoking. I'm starvin'.

Dad, pass the syrup. Here, here.

Rose, you gave me the wrong plate.

Where's the rest of my eggs and my home fries?

These are the rest of your eggs, these are your home fries, and this is applesauce.

Belinda, I can't eat all my home fries. Want some home fries?

No, thanks.

Here, Monty. Oohhh, pass them to Belinda.

If you wanna lose weight, you should start now.

Ooh, food.

It's a tough give-up. Allison, eat.

Allison, you gotta eat.

I know marriage is rough.

It's not all moonlight and canoes. That's in the movies.

I don't wanna talk about it. What's the matter with you?

You don't eat. You don't talk to no one.

You lock yourself in your room all night.

The way you're carrying on, you'll never meet another guy.

What'd I say?

"You'll never meet another guy."

Take out the garbage.

Take out the garbage.

I didn't even eat, I gotta take out the garbage.

Hi.

She ain't worth $10 million.

$5 million, maybe.


Hey, not here! Not here!

I'm your new neighbor, Bill Jones. You can call me Bill.

Not here! Why don't you take him on your property, huh?

Take it easy, you interrupt King's business he gets very upset.

What makes you think I wanna inherit his business?

If you feel so bad, I'll clean it up.

Sure.

So you're Monty Capuletti. Congratulations on your daughter's wedding.

Some party, I heard about. What am I telling you for, you were there.

Look, I'm your next door neighbor now, so we gotta get to be good buddies.

I wanna have a relationship. Most important thing for us, we gotta have a good rapport.

Wait till you meet Ginger. She's my better half.

I already saw your better half. In fact, I saw more than half.

She's a dynamite girl. I met her in Vegas a couple of years ago.

Oh, man, she's a loving, caring, sharing person.

Someone maybe one day you can become friendly with.

I needed you two to move in next door.

I'm nervous enough this morning. Are you kiddin'?

Nervous, maybe you need a little smoke.

Little ups, little downs, little something. I got anything you need.

What are you talkin' to me about drugs for?

I got my daughter here. She's 12 years old.

Look, you got a connection in the family already, stick with it.

But just this once, I'll tell you what, my friend. Let me be Santa Claus.

There's one, two, from me to you. We'll take a hike. Come on pouchy.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Two, four, six, eight, ten. Two, four, six, eight, ten.

This is ridiculous.

But daddy, jogging's good for you.

Thanks to jogging, more people than ever are dropping dead in perfect health.

Five more.

Celebrity Pizza. Send over the usual. Eight pies.

Two Lollo Brigidas, two Jerry Vales, two Pavarottis, one Caruso and a Frank Nitti.

Monty, is that you? Yeah. I got a cold.

Stay right there. I'll get some money.

C'mon, what am I asking for?

One slice. You can stay up late, all right?

The top one had anchovies.

All right, who's in?

Come on, pick the date he blows it.

Great guy you are, you know that?

Can't wait till he blows it, huh? Bettin' on it and everything.

Listen to you. What, are you some kind of altar boy?

Huh? You're some influence.

You gamble in front of him, you drink in front of him.

Hey, Monty see, Monty do, you know.

Hector, Hector. Don't push me.

Listen to me. It's gonna work.

See these pennies?

You take these pennies, you throw 'em at the window, and I'll be in the bush.

I saw it in a movie once. It's gonna work perfect.

If you need any help, just listen to what I'm gonna tell you to say.

Go on. Go get 'em.

Where you going? I'll be in the bush.

Throw the pennies.

You're gonna be behind the bush? I'll be right here.

Who's there?

Hey. How are you?

I was just, uh...

I was in the neighborhood, and thought I'd stop by, see what's cooking.

That Julio? Yeah.

What do I say? Tell her to come down.

Prove to her you're the man.

Come down. I'm the man.

Get tough. Tell her you're bad.

I'm bad. Like you mean it.

Allison! I'm bad.

No, no, no!

Jump up and down.

I am so bad! I am so bad! Be angry.

Who are you talking to? Julio and the hedge.

I'm so bad, I should be in detention.

No, no. Be mean.

Wave your arms. Make believe you're angry.

Listen to me.

I'm not that kind of guy that's gonna start playing around in the driveway of a tract house!

I'm not gonna lose my temper in front of the woman that I love!

Get on your knees. Beg her.

Tell her you're thinking of killing yourself.

No. I don't talk like that.

Do you hear me? I don't talk like that.

If you know so much about women, you talk to her.

The hedge, Allison Capuletti.

Allison, the hedge has a few words to say to you.

I don't know what to say. Oh, now you don't know what to say!

Allison, Julio's very unhappy.

You made a fool out of me! Get off of my ear! Let go of my leg!

Saturday lunch. I can have a piece of fruit, citrus, or four ounces of fish.

I think I'll have the fruit.

Sometimes with the fish, these guys go over.

What'll you have, buddy?

Two with sauerkraut and a Yoo-Hoo. Got it.

Two with sauerkraut. Yoo-Hoo.

What do you want, buddy? Nothin'. I'll just smell his.

You know why I'm going through this whole thing, Nicky?

For my kids, that's why.

That's the greatest love in the world, your kids. You can't beat it.

That's why you do things. That's love, for your kids.

See what I mean, see that man over there with his kid?

That's love. Look at the way he loves the kid, bouncing him on his knee.

That's love, baby, I'll tell you that.

There he is! Thank goodness he's all right!

What's going on? I'm sitting here minding my business, he jumped on my lap.

Get away from my kid! Everybody calm down.

Do you have some identification, sir? It's in my other raincoat.

Didn't I tell you to never wander away from mommy again?

Spit that out right now!

Come on.

It's all ready. Come on, give it a shot.

You gotta go 30 miles an hour for 15 minutes for it to do anything.

Come on, faster, faster. Come on.

Faster. You gotta get it up to speed.

Faster, faster, faster!

Faster. 30 miles. Faster. Faster.

Oh, my! Oh, no! Oh.

Come on. Keep quiet. Keep your head down.

Is my hair too flat? No.

You look great. Come on.

Come on, Julio. Okay. Gimme that.

It's locked. Let's go play Space Invaders.

No. We'll go up the drain pipe.

Don't worry about it. Everything's gonna be all right.

I will not. I won't go up that way. All you gotta do is climb up.

Come on. Come on.

You can do it! You bad!

I had to hook up with the only virgin in New York.

Didn't they teach this at school?

They taught math at your school, but you can't divide.

At least I can multiply.

You sure this is Allison's bedroom?

I know this place like the back of my hand.

What happened?

I got the back of my hand stuck in the toilet.

Listen to me. You gotta be quiet.

We gotta be quiet.

Where's the light? Shh!

That isn't a light.

That's not the light. And this is not the light.

That's the water pik.

Here's the plan.

I'm gonna go talk to Allison.

When I leave the room, you...

We're in here.

Just be calm.

Just be calm, and get out the window.

Ow!

I'll meet you down by the car. Yeah.

I'll be all right. Don't worry about it.

Julio!

Julio!


I'll have a number three with flour tortillas.

Mmm. Two of them.

Um, I'll have the special. Number one.

I'll have a junior salad. No dressing.

Why don't you stop carryin' on, huh Monty?

Rate you're goin', I'll bet you a hundred bucks you're not gonna make it.

If I bet you, then I won't make it.

Just remember: when the going gets tough, the tough get going.

What if you're not tough?

You gotta be strong like me.

Look. What is this? Nothin'.

Put it right out. It's not gonna be my master.

Gimme a light, Lou.

Mmm, Monty, you gotta have discilton.

Discipline.

Can I have your olive? You got extra olives?

You want the black one or the green one?

Which one you want? It's up to you. Take the green one.

Just a minute Okay, you gotta stay still. Okay, kid?

You gotta stay still. Kid, you gotta stay still.

Monty, have you ever seen a face like that before?

No. If I did, I'd remember it.

Okay, I'm gonna get a real good picture now. Okay?

Look at him! He's got my eyes. He's got my nose.

And my sympathy. All right.

We want some wallet-size pictures too.

This kid won't fit in a wallet-size.

Make 'em good pictures. My wife's very particular.

What about you, John? He's very particular too.

I'm surprised you married each other.

All right. Look, kid.

I'm tired of telling you the same thing. You gotta stay still. I'll tell you what.

Anthony, I'm gonna make a deal with you.

Anthony, pay attention.

You gotta stay still.

If we wanna get a good picture, we gotta stay still.

We wanna get a good picture, Anthony.

Stay still. Stay still. Help that kid out, will ya?

Talk to him, grandma. Here we go, Anthony.

Be quiet.

Stay still. Quiet, will ya!

Blanche, John, grandma, talk to him, will ya? Stay quiet!

Hey, kid, be quiet, will ya?

Somebody! Will you shut the fat little bastard up?

What is the law?

Not to go on all fours.

That is the law. What is the law?

Not to shed blood.

His prices are insane!

All we need is one pin, Rodney.

Now, back to "Lost Weekend."

He who breaks the law must go to the house of pain.

Back to the pain!

Monty.

Monty, it's 3:00 in the morning.

Come to bed. You haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks.

I don't know how to sleep. I know how to pass out.

Maybe you should see a doctor.

If I see a doctor, I'll blow the whole thing.

They give you sleeping pills.

You know what I do when I can't sleep?

What? I knit.

Maybe I'll knit myself a beer.

How about some hot milk? It'll do you good.

I'll try anything.

Hot milk. Come on.

Monty, I know what you're going through.

Do you wanna talk about it?

You know your friend Blanche Genaro?

Uh-huh.

Her kid Anthony, I called him a fat little bastard.

Very funny. We're laughin' and I'm out of a job.

Monty, you're a great photographer.

You'll get another job. Yeah, when?

Meanwhile, I got nothing to do.

What do people do when they're not getting loaded?

What you have to do is change your habits.

Yeah? Who you been talking to?

Mrs. Dugan. She's an expert.

She had three husbands. They all died of alcohol.

She's no expert, she's a carrier.

You know what I was thinking about today?

Coney Island. When the kids were small?

Remember the time you put Allison on the pony and you tried to make the pony smile to make Allison smile?

I never laughed so hard. That was the good old days.

If I make it through this, I'll buy you Coney Island.

I don't need Coney Island. I need you.


Hi, Nicky. Hi, Rose.

Hey, kid. Oh, yo, nick.

What are you playing, Mozart? Scales.

Scales? Never heard of him.

Rose! Rose! Rose!

Hey, whoa! What are you doin'?

What's going on? What, are you crackin' up?

I tell you, Nicky, it's rough. It's rough.

What's the matter with you? What is this?

Rose told me I need hobbies.

I'm making a plane. It's a messerschmitt.

It's a nice job.

I tell ya, I'm fed up with everything.

I wanna go to sleep and wake up four months from now when it's all over.

You know what your problem is? This whole thing ain't real to you.

You don't know what you're coming into.

Did you ever see Monahan's Department Store?

Once from the outside when I dropped Rose off.

Why don't we go see it from the inside?

What do you say, come on. We'll have a few laughs.

Huh? Come on. I need a new shirt anyway.

Rose, there's a messerschmitt in the kitchen. Clean it up, will ya?

Some joint, huh?

When you take over, let me fix the bathrooms here.

They don't go to the bathroom here.

See this?

Could somebody help us here?

I don't think so.

I tell ya, my friend here, he's look...

I tell ya, my friend here, he's lookin' for a shirt.

Yeah. You have something in a dark black?

He wants something he can wear four, five days in a row.

You have any men's shirts for men?

Have you tried the Army/Navy store?

Very funny. One more word out of you, and he gets it.

Come on.

Why don't you two put your heads together, make an ass out of yourselves?

Where're you goin'?

It says, "Come In And Browse."

May I help you? No, thank you. Just browsing.

What have they got in this place, antiques?

No, those are the customers.

May I help you? No, thanks. Just browsing.

How long do you intend to browse?

That lady, you didn't ask her how long she intends to browse.

How come you're asking us how long we intend to browse?

You don't look like browsers.

What do browsers look like? Maybe I'm half browser.

On his father's side.

Nevertheless, I prefer that you do not browse any longer.

Yeah, well it's a free country.

Yeah, if these people can browse, we can browse.

Nicky, let's show the lady we're browsers, huh?

Hey, look at us. We're browsing.

Hey, ducks in heat. Please! That's 18th century.

Folks, better keep browsing or she'll kick you out of here.

Look at us. We're browsing. Is this an odd or an end?

Hey lady, if I buy two odds, will you show us your end?

Ohh!

Security. Security! Security!

Yes? Mr. Barlow, please.

What is it? Do you know a Monty Capuletti?

Yes. Well, he's on his way upstairs.

Is he?

Gentlemen, let's shelve these petty matters for the moment.

The son-in-law of our late, beloved president is on his way to join us, so let's just sit around and smoke and drink.

Brent, Brice!

Make up your mind. Which one of us do you like?

Down the hatch.

Mr. Barlow, this joker says he knows you.

This joker is part of the Monahan family, Gus.

Oh, sorry, sir.

People, this is Monty Capuletti and his friend, Nick Marino.

No need to stand. Monty, what brings you here?

Nicky was lookin' to get a shirt, but we couldn't find any.

You got nothin' in this store nobody wants to buy.

Monahan's has an upscale clientele.

All our gentlemen customers are very conscious of style.

Men don't have style.

Men wear clothes. Women have style.

What sort of shirt were you looking for?

A regular shirt.

See this shirt? Every guy on our block's got one of these.

You guys don't dress regular.

You got on vests. It's hot as hell here.

These gentlemen and ladies were handpicked to work for me and dress accordingly.

Where'd you find these guys, Noah's Ark?

And you. There's a lot of trouble finding your fly.

I really must apologize.

Monty, I've made a mistake.

I didn't realize what your true talents were.

Oh, no. You have such fashion sense.

Everything we've been buying, wrong. All wrong.

Tell us more.

Your pants. Our pants.

You gotta have pants with lots of room so when you sit down, they don't split.

And zippers that work easy so you can fix your shorts.

Know what I mean?

Les slacks blousants avec le zip.

Whatever you say.

What about shoes?

Well, you need shoes that go on and off easy.

You know, no shoe horn. And no laces. They slow you up.

Yes, I see that.

Chunky, black mailman oxfords, with adorable little white cotton socks.

Big blousy bowling shirts.

"Mel. The regular guy look."

What?

You can't be this crazy. He looks like a rummage sale.

I know what I'm doing.

This is just the opportunity I've been waiting for.

You know, the boredom of unemployment could really drive a man to drink.

Yeah, so could you too.

Hey, take it easy, Nicky, will ya? Take it easy.

Monty, we need a mind like yours.

I'd like to offer you a position as fashion consultant to Monahan's.

Who me?

I'm no fashion consultant. What's the matter with you?

Take the job. Take the job.

The first thing we do is we fire that broad downstairs that stopped us from browsing.

Get me Sergio. Track down Alfonso. Draw up a budget for Mr. Capuletti.

Let's leak the story to the press.

Hello.

Mr. Capuletti, please. It's for you. It's your wife.

Hey Rose, they took all my clothes!

When are you coming home?

How can I come home? I got nothing to wear.

I'll call you later. Here, take this.

Turn away, please. Next shirt.

Take it easy, honey. I got no good side.

Could you please turn away?

Scrape all the gum off the soles and analyze the shoes.

Should these shorts be duplicated? Yes, duplicated and fumigated.

Mr. Barlow, I have the blacks for the shirts.

That's Mr. Capuletti's department now.

I have midnight black, raven black, licorice black...

If Nicky was here, you'd have black-and-blue black.

Twelve inches.

Boy, you're way off.

Ladies and gentlemen. Compliments of Monty Capuletti, invitations to the premiere of Monahan's "The Regular Guy Look."

Barkeeper, I'll have a Perrier with a twist.

I'm sorry. I only have Perrier on draft.

Nicholas, Patrick, how good to see you again.

I know what you're thinking. Why am I slumming?

Well, I'm here to hand-deliver these invitations to you.

But I'm not sure if you should attend.

We're his friends. We'll be there. Gimme.

Well, it's your decision and I'm sure your intentions are the best, but think about it.

It's not good for Monty to associate with people who do what he used to do.

We would protect him from that. He's talking about us.

If you really are Monty's friends, you'll stop making it hard for him.

Look at you. You're smoking, drinking.

We're in a bar. What do you expect us to do?

You must think I'm stupid or something.

I look like I just got off a boat?

I know what you're trying to do.

Go ahead, get out of here you half a sissy before I give you a slap.

Hey Nicky, take it easy, will ya?

Nick, you do want Monty to have the money, don't you?

Hey, what do you let it get to you for?

He just wants the money.

But what bothers me is he's right.

So he's right.

Think he's right? I mean, Nicky's his coach.

He tells him eat fruit, tells him to exercise.

It's not what he says, it's what we do. It's peer pressure.

Oh, yeah. Our lives are attractive.

I guess Nicky and Paddy won't show.

They didn't call, either, huh?

No. Tonight, we present our tribute to the American silhouette.

Ladies and gentlemen, "The Regular Guy Look."

Jonathan and Billy are wearing the regular guy leisure look for fall.

Bold print, double-knit polyester pants with totally non-coordinated print shirts.

Pie is wearing the Italian restaurant look.

Perfect for picnics where you can be your own tablecloth.

Tie has the bowling alley sportif look.

Next up is Peter, wearing the regular guy lounge look in black on black, on black.

I think they like it. Everyone's smiling.

You like to gamble, take a chance on the regular guy robe.

American classic, iridescent blue sharkskin.

That suit. Look at that suit.

Have you seen the suit...

And now...

I'd like to introduce the man responsible for this evening.

Mr. Monty Capuletti!

Take a bow, Monty.


Fatty. Eating again, fatty, fatty?

Fatty, fatty. Eating again, fatty, fatty?

Fatty, fatty, fatty...

Who put this in here? I was only trying to help.

Well don't help.

I'm tired of people trying to help me.

Monty, calm down. What are you lookin' at?

Go upstairs and clean your room. It's a pigsty.

Leave me alone!

I know what you're thinkin' too. Oh, god.

All I ever wanted was a happy family.

That's all I ever asked for, a happy family.

A family that loved each other. I never cared about anything else.

Stop it, will ya. I can't take it no more.

Money caused all this.

I don't wanna be rich. We're not supposed to be rich.

We don't look rich, we don't talk rich, we don't smell rich!

No more rich! I want our house to be the way it was.

Hey, fatty, fatty.

Monty, where are you going? I'll be at Louie's.

Gettin' drunk!

Take this, Julio. Go and get her.

She's your wife. Go ahead, go get her.

Right, she's my wife.

A gun. I don't want a gun.

Go back and get her, Julio.

Go back and get her.

I must've been nuts to do this for...

Oh, look who's here.

I want her back, man. She's mine.

Put that thing away. You'll hurt yourself, will ya.

Look, I'm in no mood for you.

In fact, there is no mood for you.

Nurse! Where is she?

They're never here when you need 'em.

Boy, oh, boy.

Oh, nurse, you're here. Where were you, huh?

Three hundred and fifty bucks a day, where are ya?

Where are ya?

Look at this. I'm dying of thirst here.

Hey, how ya doin'?

I heard about your unfortunate incident.

Where were you when I needed you?

I came to make up. I'm sorry.

All right, Nicky, we're friends. We're friends, all right?

It must be tough eatin', huh?

Eatin'. You should see me go to the bathroom.

Monty! Hi, Nicky. We're back. Rose, you're here.

How's our patient today? Oh, he looks much better.

How did you sleep?

Are you kiddin'? I was up all night.

Well, let's look at the chart.

He was hit in the fleshy area of the gluteus maximus.

Ah, you're wrong. He got me in the ass.

No vital areas were damaged.

No doubt he'll recover. How long do I have to be here?

Let me see now. Perhaps we might have to keep you here for four, maybe five weeks.

Rose, I'm not hangin' here for five weeks.

At least I know you're gonna be all right.

I gotta pick up my mother at the beauty parlor, all right.

So long, Nicky.

How are you feeling today?

You're looking good.

Oh, daddy!

I never realized how much Julio loved me.

It was the most romantic moment of my life when he almost killed you.

Can I call you "dad" now?

Take it easy!

These are new stitches, you know.

Why can't you forgive and forget?

How could I forget? Every time I sit down, I'll think of him.

Monty, how are you?

What an insensitive question. You've been shot.

Well, this'll cheer you up. We're a hit.

What are you talking about? They all laughed at me.

But we're laughing now, all the way to my bank.

Look at this. What?

We put the clothes in the window, and the kids went crazy for it.

I don't understand it, but, well, who cares?

The regular guy look is a big success.

You did the regular guy look?

I just bought two of your short-sleeve pajama tops.

Rose, I gotta get out of here. Daddy, this is great!

By the time you get out of the hospital, we'll have the money.

And you'll lose weight too.

I saw the food. Monty, she's right. Your ship's come in.

But my pier collapsed.

All right, everyone out. Visiting hours are over. Please!

We have sick men in here. You too, doctor. Please.

Excuse me, the two of you.

This is a hospital. Hey, come on, let's go.

My good... Excuse me. Will you get out? Let's go, let's go!

Daddy!

How are you, Mr. Manucci? Bye, Monty.

Martha's gonna take good care of you today.

How was your lunch?

I see you haven't eaten much of it. I don't blame you, honey.

They're trying to make everybody up here sicker...

While I'm up here, check my oil.


Jesus.

We trust you had a pleasant swim, sir.

Your shirt.

I don't want that shirt. Are you kiddin'?

But sir, you should be dressed to your station.

I don't want to wear that shirt, all right!

Yes? This is Mr. Capuletti's business advisor.

What can I do for you? Better yet, what can you do for me?

Silver is down?

Call the Lone Ranger. He'll cheer him up.

Hello.

Oil wells? Very interesting.

Meatballs, sir? No.

Madam? No.

Meatball, sir?

Where's the pistachio nuts?

There's too much trouble with the shells.

Oh, yeah? I like the shells.

Hmm.

You got any salami or provolone?

Salami, salami. Provolone.

Give it to him.

Why don't you get some sun and come back next week?

Julio?

Julio?

Julio.

Julio.

Oh, you bad boy. You were hiding from me.

No. I found you now.

You gonna play with me? Not again.

Look what I wore just for you. Allison, I'm exhausted.

Chapter six, "El Joyo."

You hired a captain? Yep. Everything's taken care of.

He know how to get to Coney Island? Yeah, I told him. It's easy.

Here, I'll show you.

You go north up the Atlantic, west into the Hudson.

Come to the statue of that broad, you hang a right.

Takes 20 minutes, a half hour with traffic.

Tell him to shove off as soon as I sign those papers with Scrappleton.

What's that, a fire drill?

It's lunch. Come on. I'm starving. Let's go.

Oh, daddy, I just saw the cutest little dingy.

Allison, you're married to Julio.

This is the life, huh?

And they say money can't buy happiness.

At least you can pick your own kind of misery.

Clive, you're the only one who hasn't seen my stitches.

Want to take a look?

Excuse me.

Mr. Daniel Scrappleton, sir.

Hey, Scrappy, show me that dotted line, huh?

And Mrs. Kathleen Monahan.

Oh, no!

My god! It's mother.

She's back from the dead. She's better than Houdini.

I've never felt better in my life!

Grandma, did you bring me anything?

A hat just like mine.

You never felt better? You were in a plane crash.

There was no crash. I made up the whole thing.

Why?

Rose, I did it for you and the grandchildren.

Someone had to stop Monty's debauchery.

He was going to hell in a hand basket.

Yes, quite true.

And to test you as well. You failed!

I'll kill her. I'll kill her! Take it easy.

I'll kill her! I'll kill her!

I'll kill her! Let me go!

Boy, you got some nerve still being alive.

I went through this whole thing for nothin'?

No, not for nothing, Monty. You proved yourself to me.

And to make sure that you stay on the straight and narrow, I'm moving in with you.

What's for dessert? Spumoni, miss.

Your favorite, Monty.

Shrimpton, none for Mr. Capuletti.

Right, mom. And Shrimpton.

Mr. Capuletti is skipping the coffee too.

It'll keep me awake, right, mom?

Right, dear.

And Shrimpton, I noticed a bottle of beer in the refrigerator.

Get rid of it. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Right again, mom.

Well, I guess that's it for me.

I think I'll go out and walk off all these vegetables.

And after that it's bedtime.

Good night, honey. Good night, sweetheart.

And Shrimpton? Yes, sir.

You better get rid of that glazed fruit too. It's fattening.

Certainly, sir.

Good night, Belinda. Good night, daddy.

Good night, mom.

Hey, mom. That perfume is driving me crazy.

I think I married Rose to get to you, huh?

Good night, all.

Rose, he's a changed man.

Finally, you've got a good marriage. We had a good marriage before.

Yes, but now you're married to a human being.

I don't mind telling you, I'm proud of what I did.

It wasn't easy, but now I've got him under control!

Where's the pizza? I'm starving!

Monty, where you been? We're keeping it warm for you.

Wait a minute. Don't get grease on the cards.

Gimme the red pepper, will you?

Gimme a napkin.

So what'd you tell her tonight? Tonight?

I told her her perfume is driving me crazy.

Then I told her I married Rose to get to her.

Gimme a beer.

My mother-in-law. For years I wouldn't kiss her face,