Ed Wood (1994) Script

Greetings, my friend.

You are interested in the unknown, the mysterious, the unexplainable.

That is why you are here.

And now, for the first time, we are bringing you the full story of what happened.

We are giving you all the evidence based only on the secret testimony of the miserable souls who survived this terrifying ordeal.

The incidents, places.

My friend, we cannot keep this a secret any longer.

Can your heart stand the shocking facts of the true story of Edward D. Wood, Jr.?


It's 8:15. We can't hold the curtain any longer.

Cripes, what am I gonna tell the cast? It's press night and there's no press!

Do you believe in ghosts? Nah, Tommy.

That's just kiddie spook stories.

Once you're dead, you stay dead.

I don't know, Bill.

Out on that battlefield today, I saw this woman dressed in white floating above the dunes.

Maybe it was just fatigue or maybe it's the indignities of war.

Or maybe it's somethin' else.

Hey, I think I see somethin'.

I offer you mortals the bird of peace so that you may change your ways and end this destruction.

What a show! Everyone was terrific.

Paul, your second act monologue actually gave me the chills.

Oh, thanks, Eddie.

I got the early edition, hot off the presses!

This is the big moment.

Oh, what does that old queen know?

She didn't even show.

Sent her copy boy to do the dirty work.

Screw you, Miss Crowley. Do I really have a face like a horse?

What does "ostentatious" mean?

Hey, it's not that bad. You can't concentrate on the negative.

Look, he's got some nice things to say here.

"The soldiers' costumes are very realistic." That's positive!

Rave of the century. Well, I've seen a lot worse reviews.

I've seen reviews where they didn't even mention the costumes.

Like that last Francis the Mule picture. It got terrible notices.

Huge hit! Lines around the block.

That's right. Don't take it too seriously. We're all doing great work.

Do you really think so? Absolutely.

Honey, what if I'm wrong?

What if I just don't got it? Ed, it was only one review.

Orson Welles was only 26 when he made Citizen Kane.

I'm already 30.

Ed, you're still young.

This is the time in your life when you're supposed to be struggling.

I know. But I'm scared it's not going to get any better than this.

Oh, I hate having to wake up this early.

Gosh, where's my pink sweater?

I can never seem to find my clothes anymore.

Hey, big shot! Get off your ass and get this over to the executive building.

Sure thing, Mr. Kravitz. Hey, Charlie, come here.

What did I tell ya about watering these plants, eh? I want some water on 'em!

Don't sprinkle the damn things! Soak 'em!

Hi.

All right, people, settle. And action!

Wow! Look at these camels!

These are real camels!

Gosh, where'd they get real camels? Hey, you!

Move it outta here, huh?

Hey, Eddie! Come in here. I got some great new stuff to show you.

This is fantastic. What are you gonna do with it?

Probably file it away and never see it again.

Ah, it's such a waste.

Why, if I had half the chance, I could make an entire movie using this stock footage.

The story opens on these mysterious explosions.

Nobody knows what's causing them, but it's upsetting all the buffalo.

So the military are called in to solve the mystery.

You forgot the octopus.

No, no. I'm saving that for my big underwater climax.

Hello.

They say he was a girl trapped in a man's body.

I bet it hurt when they cut his thing off. Ugh!

What are you ladies gabbin' about?

You know that Christine Jorgensen freak?

It's... He... She... in Variety.

Some producer's makin' a biopic.

Really? I didn't read that story.

Yes, I've got Mr. Edward Wood on the line.

Could you please hold?

Mr. Weiss? Ed Wood here.

Listen, I heard about your new project and I was curious if you'd signed a director yet.

Oh, you haven't!

Well, if we could get together, I could explain to you why I'm more qualified to direct this than anyone else in town.

Well, I'd rather not go into that over the phone.

All right. Great!

I'll see you then. Bye!

Eddie, I don't understand.

Why are you the most qualified director for the Christine Jorgensen story?

Oh, it's just hogwash, hon. I had to get into the door somehow.


No, I love you like a brother.

No, no, no. No, no, no. That's a falsehood!

Come in!

Look, when I said you could have the western territories, I didn't mean all 11 states!

I meant California, Oregon, and what's that one on top?

Washington, yeah, yeah!

Oh, really?

Well, screw you!

Hi. Can I help you?

Yes. I'm Ed Wood.

I'm here about directing the Christine Jorgensen picture.

Well, a couple of things have changed.

It ain't gonna be the Christine Jorgensen story no more.

Goddamn Variety had to print the story before I got the rights.

Now that bitch is asking for the sky. Ah, you're not gonna make the movie.

No, of course I'm gonna make the picture.

I already presold Alabama and Oklahoma.

Those repressed Okies, they go for that twisted, perverted stuff.

We'll just do it without the she-male. We'll fictionalize it.

Is there a script? Fuck no. But, there's a poster.

It opens in nine weeks in Tulsa.

Well, Mr. Weiss, look no further. I'm your man.

I work fast and I'm a deal. I write and direct. And I'm good.

I just did a play in Hollywood and Victor Crowley himself praised its realism.

There's about 500 guys in this town that can say the same thing.

On the phone you said you had some special qualifications?

Mr. Weiss I have never told anyone what I'm about to tell you.

But I really want this job.

I like to dress in women's clothing.

You're a fruit?

No, not at all. I love women.

Wearing their clothes makes me feel closer to them.

You're not a fruit. No, I'm all man. I even fought in WWII.

Of course, I was wearing women's undergarments under my uniform.

Ya got to be kidding me.

Confidentially, I even paratrooped wearing a brassiere and panties.

I tell ya, I wasn't scared of being killed, but I was terrified of getting wounded and having the medics discover my secret.

So you think this qualifies you to make my movie?

Yes!

I know what it's like to live with a secret and worry about what people are gonna think of ya.

My girlfriend still doesn't know why her sweaters are always stretched out.

Ed, you seem like a nice kid. Look around you.

I don't hire directors with burning desires to tell their stories.

I make movies like Chained Girls.

I need someone with experience who can shoot a film in four days and make me a profit.

I'm sorry. That's all that matters.

Can I get you anything else, kid?


Too constrictive! I can't even fold my arms.

Gee, Mr. Lugosi, I've never had any complaints.

This is the most uncomfortable coffin I've ever been in.

Your selection is quite shoddy. You're wasting my time!

Mr. Lugosi?

I told you I don't want any of your goddamn coffins!

No, no! I don't work here.

Then who are you? What do you want? I don't want anything.

I'm just a really big, big fan. I've seen all your movies.

Mr. Lugosi, why are you buying a coffin?

I'm planning on dying soon.

No! Yes!

I'm embarking on another bus and truck tour of Dracula.

Twelve cities in 10 days, if that's conceivable.

Do you know that I saw you perform Dracula in Poughkeepsie in 1938?

That was a terrible production.

Renfield was a drunk! I thought it was great.

You know, you're much scarier in real life than you are in the movie.

Thank you.

I even waited outside to get your autograph, but you never came out.

Well, I apologize. When I play Dracula, I put myself into a trance.

It takes me much time to reemerge.

Oh, there's my bus. Shit, where is my transfer?

Say, don't you have a car? I refuse to drive in this country.

Too many madmen.

I've got a car.

Boy, Mr. Lugosi, you must lead such an exciting life.

When is your next picture coming out? I have no next picture.

You gotta be jokin'.

A great star like you, you must have dozens of 'em lined up.

Back in the old days, yes.

But now, no one gives two fucks for Bela.

But you're a big star. No more.

I haven't worked in four years.

This business, this town, it chews you up, then spits you out.

I'm just an ex-bogeyman. Make a right.

They don't want the classic horror films anymore.

Today, it's all giant bugs.

Giant spiders, giant grasshoppers.

Who would believe such nonsense?

The old ones were much spookier, they had castles and full moons.

They were mythic.

They had a poetry to them. Yes.

And you know what else? The women...

The women prefer the traditional monsters.

The women. Huh.

The pure horror, it both repels and attracts them.

Because in their collective unconsciousness, they have the agony of childbirth.

The blood... The blood is horror.

You know, I never thought of that.

Take my word for it.

If you want to make out with a young lady you take her to see Dracula.

Eh, what a mess.

My wife of 20 years left me last month.

I'm not much of a housekeeper.

All right, I'm coming. I'll feed you, my darlings.

I'd better get going.

But perhaps we could get together again some time, Mr. Lugosi.

Certainly.

But now, the children of the night are calling me.

Uh...

Good day. Good day.

Sweetie, you won't believe it. I've got incredible news.

You got the job! No, I didn't get the job.

But something better happened. Better than not getting the job.

Yes! I met a movie star.

Somebody really big. Who? Robert Taylor?

No. A horror movie star.

Boris Karloff? Close.

The other one.

You met Basil Rathbone!

Oh, to heck with you. I met Bela Lugosi.

Why, I thought he was dead. No, he's very much alive.

Well, sort of.

He's old and frail, but he's still Bela Lugosi and he's really nice.

I can't even remember the last time I saw him in a picture.

It's a shame.

He's such a great actor and no one uses him anymore.

So, did you get his autograph? No, it wasn't like that at all.

It was just the two of us and we were talking. He treated me like a friend.

Yeah, well, he's a bum. No, he's not.

Do you have any idea how much money he made for this studio?

Dracula, The Black Cat, The Raven.

Yeah? Well, now he's a junkie. He don't deserve to work.

That is not true! He's so great, you hire him.

Yeah, well, I would if I could.

Trick or treat!

The house looks like they have lots of kids.


Ooh, those eyes. He gives me the willies.

Uh, I hate it when she interrupts the picture.

She doesn't show 'em the proper respect.

I think she's a honey.

Look at those jugs.

But he stood me up at the restaurant.

I guess I shouldn't have picked a steak house.

And then I went out with the Wolf Man. Ugh! What an evening.

I didn't know whether to kiss him good night...

Vampira, you will come under my spell.

You will be my slave of love.

My gosh, Bela! How do you do that?

You must be double-jointed.

And you must be Hungarian.

Vampira, look at me.

Look into my eyes.

You're watching our Halloween movie, White Zombie starring Bela Lugosi, John Harron, Madge Bellamy, and a bunch of other people I've never heard of.

I'm very tired.

I need to take my medicine.

Do you want me to get it for you? No.

Thank you, Eddie. I'll be all right.


on, shit.

I feel much better!

Children! I love children!

Trick or treat!

Aren't you scared, little boy?

I'm going to drink your blood.

You're not a real vampire.

Those teeth don't frighten me.

How about these?

Hey, how'd you do that?

Dentures. Lost my pearlies in the war.

So, what was the important news you couldn't tell me on the phone, again?

I started thinking about what you were saying about how your movies need to make a profit.

What is the one thing, if you put it in a movie, it'll be successful?

Tits. No, better than that. A star.

Kid, you must have me confused with David Selznick.

I don't make major motion pictures, I make crap.

Yes! But if you take that crap and put a star in it, then you've got something.

Yeah. Crap with a star. No, something better!

Something impressive.

Maybe the biggest money-maker you've ever had.

Fine, all right.

You may be right, but it doesn't frickin' matter.

I can't afford a star, so what are we even talkin' about?

All right. What if I told you you could have a star for $1,000?

Who?

Lugosi? Yes! Lugosi!

Isn't he dead?

No, he's not dead. He lives in Baldwin Hills.

I met him recently and he really wants to be in our movie.

Why would Lugosi want to do a sex change flick?

Because he's my friend!

All right, fine! You can direct it.

I want a script in three days. We start shooting a week from Monday.

Mr. Weiss, thank you so much. You won't regret it. I won't let you down.

But, Bunny, you're perfect for this job. You know these people.

I need all the transsexuals and transvestites I can get.

No, I don't care if they're not actors. I want realism!

I want this film to tell the truth.

Coming!

I've waited all my life for this shot, and I'm not gonna blow it.

Eddie, you got a new movie for me, eh? Yes!

It's gonna be a great picture and you'll love your character. Have a seat.

Listen, Bunny? Bela's here. I gotta go.

Listen, hit the bars, work some parties, and get me transvestites!

I need transvestites! All right. Bye.

Eddie, what kind of a movie is this?

Well, it's about how people have two personalities: the side they show to the world, and then the secret person they hide inside.

Like Jekyll and Hyde.

I've always wanted to play Jekyll and Hyde.

I'm looking forward to this production.

Well, your part's a little different.

You're like the god that looks over all the characters and oversees everything.

I don't understand.

You control everyone's fate. You're like the puppet master.

Ah, so I pull the strings! Yes, you pull the strings.

"Pull the strings." I like that!

Honey!

I got a little surprise for you.

Wipe off your hands.

I finished my script. Oh!

Ed, I'm so proud of you!

I'll read it as soon as I get home.

Well, I'd really like to know what you think.

Why don't you go in the bedroom and take a look? I'll wait.

Go ahead.

Take your time.


So that's where my sweater's been.

How long have you been doing this?

Since I was a kid.

My mom wanted a girl, so she used to dress me in girlie clothing.

Just became a habit.

Jesus Christ! And you never told me?

Well, this is my way of telling you.

What, by putting it in a fucking script for everyone to see?

What kind of sick mind operates like that?

And what about this, this so-called Barbara character that's obviously me?

I mean, this is our life. It's so embarrassing!

Of course it is. That's why you should play the part.

Oh, you got nerve, buddy.

It's a darn good role. That's not the issue!

God, how can you act so casual when you're dressed like that?

It makes me feel comfortable.

Oh, just like in the script.

Exactly.

So, what do you say?

Do we break up?

Or do you want to make the movie with me?

They make you tall, and you're flashy. They want that.

Okay. But they want professionalism, so nix on the Nelly without losing naiveté, okay?

Now, the good news is you're probably going to get hired because you look like Peggy Lee.

But I don't want anybody else to resent that, okay? Please?

'Cause there's enough for everybody, exotics, too.

All right, because if you're not going to smile, please don't bother.

You'll embarrass me.

This is George Weiss.

He's done some very important things, he's a nice person to know.

I thought you were gonna make a sex change film!

It's still a sex change film. Yeah! Five pages before it ends!

The rest is about some schmuck who likes angora sweaters!

I don't think he's a schmuck.

What about this title? My poster says, I Changed My Sex.

So change the poster.

Trust me, you'll be better off. This story's gonna grab people.

It's about this guy, he's crazy about this girl, but he likes to wear dresses.

Should he tell her? Should he not tell her? He's torn. This is drama!

Fine! Shoot whatever baloney you want.

Just make sure it's seven reels long.

Testing.

Excuse me. Can I get everyone's attention, please?

Could you gather around?

I've got something to say.

Everybody, we're about to embark on quite a journey: four days of hard work.

But when it's over, we'll have a picture that'll entertain, enlighten and maybe even move millions of people.

Excuse me, Eddie. I don't mean to interrupt. I'm worried about the light.

Good thinking. All right, we'll talk about days three and four later.

Let's get that first shot off. Scene 17, Glenda looking in the window.

And action!

And cut!

Print that! Let's move on!

Don't you want a second take for protection?

What's to protect? It was perfect! Come on!

Hey! Cops!

We don't have a permit. Run!

Come on. Let's go.

What's going on with these revised pages?

Mr. Lugosi's here.

Oh, my God! Mr. Lugosi's here!

Everyone! Everyone!

Everyone, come on. Come in here.

Listen.

When he walks onto the stage, treat him normal.

I know Bela Lugosi's a world-famous star and you're all very excited but look, we are professionals.

So, just treat him with respect. Everything will be all right.

Bela!

Great to see ya! 8:00 on the dot. Right on time.

I'm always on time. Of course you are.

We've got a big day planned for you.

But first we're gonna start out kinda easy with you in that armchair over there.

Then once you're up to speed and cookin', we'll reset and bring in the lab equipment.

Eddie? Huh?

What about my money? Huh? Oh.

What are you people doing? Get back to work!

All right, people. Let's get ready.

Mr. Lugosi, I know you're very busy but, can I have your autograph?

Certainly.

You know which movie of yours I love, Mr. Lugosi? The Invisible Ray.

You were great as Karloff's sidekick.

Karloff?

Sidekick?

Fuck you!

Karloff does not deserve to smell my shit!

That limey cocksucker can rot in hell for all I care!

What happened?

How dare that asshole bring up Karloff?

You think it takes talent to play Frankenstein?

It's all make-up and grunting.

I agree. Bela, I agree 100%.

Now, Dracula, that's a role that requires talent.

Of course! Dracula requires presence.

It's all in the eyes and the voice and the hand. That's right. That's right.

You seem a little agitated. You wanna go outside and get some air?

Bullshit! I'm ready now. Roll the camera!

We're rolling.

Sound. Speed. Scene 97, take one. Mark.

Action.

Beware.

Beware.

Beware of the big, green dragon that sits on your doorstep.

He eats little boys, Puppy dog tails, and big, fat snails.

Beware.

Take care.

Beware.

Wait!

Pull the string! Pull the string!

Cut.

Perfect.

But Georgie, I'm proud. I wrote, directed and starred in it just like Orson Welles did in Citizen Kane.

Yeah, well, Orson Welles didn't wear angora sweaters, did he?

How can you just walk around like that in front of all these people?

Well, hon, nobody's bothered but you. Look around.

Ed, this isn't the real world!

You've surrounded yourself with a bunch of weirdoes.

Oh, say it a little louder. I don't think Bela heard you.

Dolores.

I need your help.

My mind's in a muddle, like in a thick fog.

I thought I could stop wearing these things.

I tried. Honestly, I tried.

Glen.

I don't fully understand but maybe together we can work this out.


Music swells. Cut and print!

It's a wrap.

How do you do? I'm here to see Mr. Feldman.

What's your name?

Edward D. Wood, Jr.

He's in the executive building.

You can park in the reserved section. Thanks very much.

Please, sit down. Thanks.

So, what are you bringing me? Looks like you got some film cans.

Well, some people bring their resumes. I've brought my own movie.

Really. Well, good for you.

I just shot this baby for Screen Classics. It opens next week.

Screen Classics? No, I don't know them.

There's something you should know.

Nobody in town has seen this picture, so I'm giving you first crack at my talents.

Thank you.

And I'm anxious to see it.

So, what's up next for you?

I don't believe in thinking small, so I've got a whole slate of pictures for you.

You ready? Okay.

The Vampire's Tomb.

The Ghoul Goes West.

And

Doctor Acula.

Doctor Acula? I don't get it.

Doctor Racula.

Oh, I get it.

I don't like it.

But it'll star Bela Lugosi.

Bela Lugosi? Lugosi's all washed-up. What else you got?

Well, I do have another project.

I wasn't going to tell you about it.

Lugosi's in it, but it's a small part.

The lead is an ingénue.

A sterling, young actress, Dolores Fuller.

The title of the film:

Bride Of The Atom!

Ah.

Atomic age stuff, huh?

I like it. I like it.

I tell you what, Mr. Ward. Why don't you leave your film cans with me.

And my associates and I will take a look at your little opus and maybe we can do some business together.

Take care. Beware.

Pull the string! Pull the string!

What the hell is this?

Is this an actual movie? It can't be!

Give this man satin undies, a dress, sweater and skirt, or even the lounging outfit he has on and he's the happiest human being in the world.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. That guy in the dress.

That's the guy I met today.

Oh, this has got to be a put-on.

These things are his comfort.

This is probably another one of Billy Wellman's practical jokes.

He just entered the street dressed in the clothes he so much desires to wear.

But, only if he really appears female: long hair, make-up, clothing, the actual contours of a girl.

Oh, God!

Most transvestites do not want to change their life, their bodies.

This is funny. This is funny.

Thank you.

Georgie, I thought Glen Or Glenda?

Was opening this week. Where's the ads?

Where's the ads?

The ads are in Alabama, Indiana, Missouri, you schmuck!

It ain't gonna play in L.A.!

Why not? Nobody wants to see this piece of shit!

Hey, you can't talk that way about my movie!

I wish it was your movie!

I wish I hadn't blown every dime I ever made into making this stink bomb!

And if I ever see ya again, I'll kill ya!

Hello?

Georgie?

Guess where I'm going next week? I don't know. Where?

Mexico.

Guess what I'm doing when I get there. I don't know. Lie on a beach.

Wrong. I'm getting my first series of hormone injections.

When those girls kick in they're gonna take out my organs and make me a woman.

Are you serious?

It's something I've wanted to do for a long time.

But it wasn't until I saw your movie that I realized I have to take action!

Goodbye, penis! Would you please keep it down.

The "Super Swedish Angel," Tor Johnson!

My gosh, look at that guy. He's a mountain!

And after I'm a woman, Jean-Claude and I are going to be married.

I'm going to be a June bride. He's a monster.

Can you imagine what that guy would look like in a movie?

Yeah, yeah! Yeah!

Mmm. More neck.

Mr. Johnson, congratulations on your victory.

Thank you.

Did you bring my water? No, I'm not the water boy.

I'm a movie director.

- Movies? Like the Mickey Mouse? Sure.

I'll get you next week! Yeah, right. In your dreams!

Tor... Uh, Mr. Johnson.

You ever fancy the notion of becoming an actor?

Not good-looking enough.

Well, I think you're quite handsome.

Do my toes.

So, anyway, I've got this new script, Bride Of The Atom.

And there's a part I believe you're ideal for.

Lobo. He's tough, he's a brute.

But he's got a good heart. At the end of the picture, he saves the girl.

I like! When do movie shoot?

Hopefully, very soon.

I'm just waiting for the final okay from my good pal at Warners, Mr. Feldman.

- Wood Productions. Eddie, help me.

- Bela? Eddie, please come over.

Bela?


Bela?

Bela!

Bela!

Bela? What happened?

Eddie.

I didn't feel well.

Come on, let me get you to the hospital.

No hospital.

Just take me to the couch.

Should I call a doctor? No.

This happens all the time.

Is there anything I can get for you? Water or a blanket?

Goulash.

I don't know how to make goulash.

Bela, what's in the needle?

Morphine.

With a Demerol chaser.

Oh, Eddie. Eddie, I'm so broke.

I don't know what I'm going to do.

Don't worry, Bela.

I won't let you down.

Mr. Feldman? Ed Wood.

Yeah, listen, I haven't been able to get through, so I just showed up.

Yeah! Right out front.

So, we gonna be working together?

Really? Worst film you ever saw.

Well, my next one will be better.

Hello. Hello.

I'm no good.

Oh, Ed, it was just one man's opinion.

Bela needs a job. I can't even get a film going.

Of course I can't. I made the worst movie of all time.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

All I wanna do is tell stories.

The things that I find interesting.

Well, maybe you're not studio kind of material.

Maybe you just need to raise the money yourself.

The movie is called Bride Of The Atom.

It will star Bela Lugosi.

There are quarter shares available at $15,000 each.

Yes, that's right. The Bela Lugosi.

He's still alive.

Huh? Is he available Friday night?

Well, gee, I suppose so. Why?

"Greetings, I am the Count."

"Greetings, I am Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure.

"Audience laughs, applauds. 'Say, that's a kooky place to sleep."'

"It is my home." "Oh, tract housing, huh? Laugh."

"You need a new real estate agent."

"I beg to differ.

"This casket incap... incarpertate..."

No, Bela, that's "incorporates."

Look, why don't you just say, "This casket has..."

How do they expect a Hungarian to pronounce this dialogue?

This live television is madness!

Furthermore, I predict by April 19, 1970, I predict men will have colonized Mars.

Millions of people will live there.

Wow! Ain't that somethin'?

And now we take you to a castle in Transylvania.

Watch out. The landlord's a real pain in the neck.

Greetings! I am the Count!

Greetings, pal! I'm Slick Slomopavitz, Seeker of Adventure!

Hey, what a kooky place to sleep.

Kind of reminds me of my house. What a dump!

Some places got a Murphy bed, this place got a Murphy shower.

I still don't know where to hang the towels.

I beg to differ.

Beg to differ? A bloodsucker, right? I'm talkin' about my towels.

Greetings! I am the Count.

Damn!

A bum is what he is. I told you we should've got Karloff!

Ah, don't worry about it, Bela. You're better than all this.

I never said I could ad-lib.

Forget it! We'll make our own movie and you'll be a big star again.

Aha!

Mr. Lugosi, it is an unparalleled privilege to meet you, sir.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am Criswell.

It's a pleasure.

Ah, cheer up. Don't lose heart over what happened tonight.

I predict your next project will be an outstanding success!

Wow!

And who may you be?

Edward D. Wood, Jr. Ah!

- The director of Glen Or Glenda? How'd you know?

I am Criswell. I know all.

And bingo! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bring me two more Beefeater martinis.

Ed, another whiskey.

Dagmar, a rum and coke?

Moustapha and King are Chablis.

Bela, would you like a wine?

No. I never drink wine.

Say, Cris, how'd you know we'd be living on Mars by 1970?

I guessed. Really?

I made it up.

It's horse shit.

Eddie, there's no such thing as a psychic.

People believe my folderol because I wear a black tuxedo.

It's that easy? Eddie, we're in show biz.

It's all about razzle-dazzle, appearances.

If you look good and you talk well, people will swallow anything.

We are going to have the most terrifying monster ever seen on film.

A ghastly creature created from an atomic mutation!

I don't like scary movies.

I like the ones with love stories.

That's just what this movie is: a heartbreaking romance.

You're quite a specimen.

And you're going to be in the picture? Yeah. I play Lobo.

I predict Bride Of The Atom will be the biggest moneymaker of all time.

And this is lovely starlet Dolores Fuller, who will play Janet Lawton.

My pleasure, ma'am. Now, how much will this picture cost?

Well, in a normal studio it'd be about a million bucks with all their wasteful overhead and fancy offices.

But we're more efficient, so we could bring it in at about 70 grand.

Oh. Well, I shall certainly consider it.

Well, goodbye. Good night, Ed. Keep in touch.

Goodbye.

Well, Eddie, how'd we do?

We didn't make a nickel.

I cannot believe I'm in Hollywood.

You know, Daddy didn't want me to move out here.

Uh-huh.

Ma'am, your bill comes to $2.20.

Oh. Uh, okay. I hope you don't mind but all I have is a fifty. I just came from my banker's.

That's all right. Thank you.

Excuse me. You just moved here?

Yes. Hollywood is, oh, so exciting.

Isn't it?

Pleased to make your acquaintance. I'm Loretta King.

Edward D. Wood, Jr.

Hi. Would you like some water?

No!

No water. No liquids.

I'm terribly allergic to them.

You know, I work in Hollywood. I'm a producer.

Really? Wow!

I would love to be involved in that.

Is that right? Well, maybe I can help you out.

Have you ever thought about investing in a motion picture?

Perhaps a small amount of money.

How much do your motion pictures cost?

Well, my new one, I think, would be about $60,000.

That's all? That seems very reasonable for an entire picture.

Would you like to have a look at the photoplay? Oh, sure.

Oh, my.

This is very interesting.

Say, do you think it would be possible for me to maybe play one of these parts?

Oh, you want to be an actress, too. Well, of course.

There's a couple of parts I can think of right now that you might be perfect for.

There's the secretary in the newspaper office, the file clerk...

Hmm. Those sound kind of small.

Here's one that looks good, Janet Lawton.

I'd sure like to play her.

Janet Lawton. Yes.

Janet Lawton is clearly the part to play.

Can't you just see me in the part?

Yes!

You'd be perfect.

You bastard!

You two-timing, dress-wearing son of a bitch!

Honey, it was the only way I could get the movie made!

Who do you think's been paying the rent?

Who's been helping you type your scripts and do all your grunt work?

I am sorry! What did you want me to say?

You were supposed to say, "No. I wrote that part for my girlfriend Dolores!"

Snowball, there are plenty of other parts.

Like what?

The secretary, the file clerk. Aaaaah!

You asshole!

This is gonna be Bela's laboratory, so it should be real impressive just like one of those "Mad Scientist" movies.

I want test tubes, beakers and one of those electrical things that buzzes.

You mean a Tesla coil? Fine. Whatever. Hop to it!

Right! Right.

Eddie? Yes?

Which dress do you like better? Hmm. I don't know.

Say, Bill, which dress works better for you, the red one or the green one?

Which one is the red one? What do you mean?

I mean, I can't see the difference, I'm color blind.

But I kinda like the dark gray one.

At Universal, we used to shoot one or two scenes a day.

But Eddie can knock off 20, 30.

He's incredible! And action!

Okay, you're Dr. Eric Vornoff and you're upset.

You've worked very hard on this experiment and you don't want to see it fail.

No, you're not that upset.

You wanna keep moving. You wanna go through that door.

And cut! Beautiful.

Print it. Let's move immediately to scene 52.

Tor, you in place? Yeah.

Great. Roll camera! Rolling. Slate.

Cue rainstorm.

And action, Tor.

Okay. You're Lobo.

You're upset.

You've worked very hard helping Dr. Vornoff with this experiment.

You don't wanna see it fail.

No, no. You're not that upset.

You wanna keep moving. You've got to get through that door.

And cut! Perfect!

Print it. Let's move on. Don't you wanna do another take, Ed?

Looks like big baldy had a little trouble gettin' through the door.

No, it's fine. It's real.

You know, in actuality, Lobo would have to struggle with that problem every day.

All right, people, let's get ready. Actors! I must have my actors!

There you are.

Loretta, Tor, I wanna explain this scene, it's a little complicated, but...

Bela, you'll be sitting there. Okay?

I'm not getting near that goddamn thing.

One of them burned me on The Return Of Chandu.

All right.

Then you'll be sitting there. Good.

Great. All right, gang, here's the scene.

Loretta, you're in a trance, you glide in and get on the operating table.

Now, Tor, you're supposed to tie her down, but you have an angora fetish and when you rub that swatch of angora, it makes you refuse.

So then Bela has to discipline you. All right? Great! Let's do it!

Action!

Strap her to the table.

Do as I command you!

I'll teach you to disobey me!

You will obey! Uhhhh!

Strap her in! Uhhhh!

Strap her in! I command you!

Wood! Your check bounced. I'll get you the money later.

No, I need it now. I'll teach you to disobey me!

Cut!

I am terribly sorry to bother you while you're shooting but the guy that owns the stage needs his money.

Well, then, you should pay him, shouldn't you?

Yes. Exactly.

I kind of need it now.

What are you looking at me like that for?

I already gave you my three hundred.

Right.

And now I need the other sixty thousand.

What other sixty thousand?

The other sixty thousand you said you'd give to me.

You misunderstood, Eddie.

I gave you everything I have in the world, three hundred dollars.

Well, here we go again.

Let me tell ya, ya can't lose.

It's scary. And if you don't like that, it's romantic.

Bela Lugosi will portray Dr. Eric Vornoff.

And lovely, lovely, lovely ingénue Loretta King is reporter Janet Lawton.

I don't know. Lugosi looks pretty old. Huh?

Which role does Vampira play?

Vampira? Why do you ask?

She's standing right over there.

Well, she plays...

Excuse me one minute.

Pardon me. Miss Vampira?

Yes? You don't know me, but I'm Ed Wood.

I'm a film producer and I'm currently in production on a science fiction piece with Bela Lugosi and Swedish wrestler Tor Johnson.

I don't understand. Do you want my autograph?

No.

No, I think my film is perfect for you.

You want me to show it on my TV programme.

I have nothing to do with that.

You should call the station manager at Channel 7.

No, no. No, no, no, no.

I don't want you to show the movie, I want you to be in it. Let me explain.

We started shooting, but after three days we got shut down.

Now we're having a backers party to raise some more money.

So I thought perhaps you'd like to come over just to say "howdy" to some of the backers.

Look, I'm with some friends and we're about to eat.

Please! It would just take one second.

Come over and meet the backers.

There is a really nice dentist from Oxnard.

Look, buddy, I've got real offers from real studios.

I don't need to blow some dentist for a part. Forget it.

Miss Vampira!

Please. Oh! Let's go.

I'm getting a bad feeling about this. Let's get out of here.

Yeah, I think you're right.

Thank you, folks, for comin' tonight, but we better go.

And then Dr. Vornoff falls into the pit and his own octopus attacks and eats him.

The end. Whew!

Well, that's quite a story. Yes.

So, uh, you made the movie and now you wanna make it again?

No.

We shot 10 minutes of the movie, and now we're looking for completion funds.

Oh, son, you're too vague.

Billy Bob!

You're cuttin' 'em too lean.

Mr. McCoy.

How can I make you happy?

Okay.

Two things.

Number one: I want the movie to end with a big explosion.

Sky full of smoke.

Yes.

But it ends with Dr. Vornoff falling into the pit.

Not anymore.

Number two:

I got a son.

He's a little slow, but a good boy.

And somethin' tells me he'd make a helluva leadin' man.

Sounds perfect.

This is unbelievable.

I woulda bet a million bucks that Ed wouldn't finish this picture.

Yeah, well, it ain't finished yet, kid. Anything can happen.

Stay out of scratching distance.

Poodle, you made it. I wasn't sure you got my message.

Well, of course I made it.

Today's the file clerk's big scene. That's right.

I see the usual gang of misfits and dope addicts are here.

Janet, I want you... Say, who's the lug?

I want you staying away from the old Willows place.

Why, that's Tony McCoy. He will be portraying Lieutenant Dick Craig.

Really.

How much money did he put up? None. But his dad gave me 5O grand.

Hmm. Wood Productions, the mark of quality.

Listen, the movie's getting made, that's all that matters.

Hello, Harry. Oh, hi, Dolores.

Oh! You're Dolores.

I've heard so much about you.

I'm Loretta King. Oh, here, take the chair.

Oh, don't be silly. Let Harry finish.

You still need some more work.

No. I'm finished.

All I needed was a touch-up. Hmm. That mole still shows.

Uh, ladies! You both look fine.

Why don't we talk about the scene?

Okay, Janet Lawton has just discovered that Dr. Vornoff bought the old Willows estate so now she wants to prove that all the monster stories are true.

Well, Eddie, what's my motivation?

You're the file clerk. You're running into the next room and bump into Janet.

What is our relationship?

Are we good friends, or is she just a casual acquaintance?

Dolores, I have five days to complete this picture.

Don't get goofy on me.

Action!

Hi, Janet. Oh, hi, Marge.

Janet, still on the monster hunt? What do you think?

I think the boss has been looking for you all day.

Something about the police wanting those monster stories 86'd.

You've got the whole town in a panic. I can't hear you.

I said, you've got the who...

I know what you said, but I can't hear you.

I get it. See ya later.

And cut! That was perfect.

Of course it was.

Bravo! Bravo!

Magnifico. Cris, you made it. Thanks a lot.

Naturally. Always happy to help with a little larceny.

All right, everybody, that's it for today.

The prop crew has a little errand to run. Paul. Connie.

Darn. I thought they kept this open.

Lobo will fix.

Good boy.

Wow! This place...

Let's get the hell outta here. Not so fast. Not 'til we get it down.

There it is. Paul, go unhook it.

Right.

Fantastic.

It's beautiful.

You sure this is gonna work? Yes.

You sure?

Yes, hurry. Do it.

My God!

We killed him.

Tor?

Better than wrestling.

Lights!

"Now, Janet, I want you stayin' away

"from that old Willows place. I want...

"Now, Janet, I..."

Great. "I want you..."

Connie! "I want you staying away..."

The octopus has to live in the lake. This is kind of a stream.

No! It has to be underwater.

Let me look at this. Okay.

Go set up by the lake.

Eddie. I'm so tired.

I don't know if I can handle a night shoot.

Nonsense. You look great.

All right, look.

Why don't you have a nice nap and we'll shoot around you for a little while.

Thanks, buddy. You're welcome.

All right, you kids.

Hey, this is looking fantastic!

Paul, where's the octopus motor?

What octopus motor? To make his legs move.

Don't blame me!

You didn't say anything about a motor when I was on the ceiling!

What's he talking...

Paul lost the octopus motor.

All right, let's shoot this fucker.

Great.

Where do I go?

You'll be fighting with the octopus. Out there?

Yes. What happened to the stream?

Well, this is gonna look a lot better.

We have to match it to the stock footage of the octopus underwater.

Aw, for Christ's sake.

Ehh.

Goddamn, it's cold! It'll warm up once you're in it.

Fuck you! You come out here!

Hey! Throw me that whiskey!

Ah. How do you turn this on?

Well, somebody misplaced the octopus motor so when you get in there and fight with him, shake his legs around.

Looks like he's killin' ya. Okay.

You know I turned down Frankenstein?

What? After I did Dracula the studio offered me Frankenstein, but I turned it down.

Part wasn't sexy enough.

Too degrading for a big star like me.

Bela, I have 25 scenes to shoot tonight.

Oh. Sorry. Don't let me slow you down.

Okay. All right.

All right.

All right, let's put it on film!

Camera! We're rolling!

Sound! Ed, we don't have sound.

Oh.

And action!


And cut!

That was perfect!

Come on! Come on, troops!

Have a nice cup o' joe, you'll feel much better.

All right. All right, Harry.

Mr. Wood? I only got one hour of sleep last night.

Yeah, well, I got no sleep, and I feel great. Go get' em, kid, go get 'em.

I'm gettin' too old for this. Great work, Bill.

Go ahead. Go get 'em.

Be careful. Don't hurt him.

Don't scratch the tentacles.

Bela, I wanna thank you again for last night.

That's fine, Eddie. All in the line of duty.

No, no, I want you to know how much I appreciate all you've done for me.

A great man like yourself shouldn't have to be wandering through the muck at 4:00 a.m.

Well, there are not a lot of fellas I'd do it for.

Say, I wrote something special for ya.

I got to thinkin' about all the sacrifices you've made and I...

Well, I wrote you a...

A new final speech.

Well, this is quite a scene, Eddie.

I know it's a lot to give you at the last minute, Bela, but...

These lines...

I'll have no problem remembering.

Great.

All right, kids, let's knock 'em dead.

My dear Professor Strowski, twenty years ago I was banned from my homeland.

I was classed as a madman, a charlatan.

Outlawed in the world of science which previously honored me as a genius.

Now here in this forsaken jungle hell, I have proven that I am all right!

Yes!

The authorities have learned how correct your findings were.

So I am here to bring you home.

Home?

I have no home.

Hunted.

Despised.

Living like an animal.

The jungle is my home.

But I shall show the world that I can be its master!

I shall perfect my own race of people, a race of atomic supermen that will conquer the world!

Cut.

That's a wrap.

Glen Or Glenda? Now, that was a hell of a picture.

Yeah, but this new one is gonna be a million times better.

Is that possible?

Mr. Bunny, what's wrong?

I heard you were becoming a lady.

Oh, that.

Mexico was a nightmare.

We got into a car accident, he was killed.

Our luggage was stolen.

The surgeon turned out to be a quack.

If it hadn't been for these men,

I don't know how I would've survived.


Oh, wow!


You people are insane!

You're wasting your lives making shit!

Nobody cares! These movies are terrible!

Dolores!

Ed, it's over. I need a normal life.

Did you really mean those things you... I'm tired of living like this.

But, Poodle...

I just stuck it out so you could finish your movie and now that it's done, so am I.

Ooh, that was so scary, it gave me goose bumps.

No, dummy, I didn't say "goose," I said ”goose bumps."

Well, be sure to join me next week for The Mummy's Curse.

Until then, pleasant nightmares.

Okay, folks, we're off the air.

That was a good show.

God, this show needs better jokes.

You got a phone call. Who is it?

I don't know.

Hello. Vampira? Ed Wood here.

Who? Ed Wood.

Remember, I met you at the Brown Derby?

Oh, yeah, you.

Listen, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime, grab some dinner maybe.

You mean a date? I thought you were a fag.

No, I'm just a transvestite.

So, how's about Friday night?

Look, you seem like a nice guy, but you're just not my type.

But keep in touch. Let me know when your movie opens.

Hello?

Eddie, help me.

Bela?

Bela.

Bela!

What do you want?

You called me. Remember?

What are you doing, Bela?

I'm going to kill myself.

My gosh, what happened?

Eddie.

I got a letter from the government.

They're canceling my unemployment.

It's all I've got.

Without it, I can't pay the rent.

Don't you have any savings?

Eddie, I'm obsolete.

I have nothing to live for.

Tonight, I shall die.

Eddie!

You should come with me.

I don't think that's such a good idea. It's a wonderful idea.

It'll be wonderful! We'll be at peace!

In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about finding work.

Bela, I'm on your side.

Gimme the gun.

If you give me the gun I'll make you a drink.

What are you drinking, Bela?

Formaldehyde.

Straight up, or on the rocks?

Eddie.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Don't worry, Bela.

I'm sorry, Eddie. Everything will be okay.

Oh, my goodness, you gave me the willies!

You look like that Dracula guy.

My name is Bela Lugosi and I wish to commit myself.

For what reason?

I have been a drug addict for 20 years.

I need help.


Is that angora?

Um, yes.

Don't you think angora has a tactile sensuality lacking in all other clothing?

Yeah, I suppose.

It is awfully expensive.

Well, it's made from specially-bred rabbits that live in the Himalayas.

Say, what are you, an angora wholesaler?

No.

I'm in pictures.

I'm a director, writer, actor and producer.

Aw, come on. Nobody does all that.

Oh, yes, they do. Two people.

Orson Welles and me.

Wow.

Whatcha makin'? Booties. For my father.

Gets cold in the hospital. Mmm.

Has he been here long? This is my thirteenth pair.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, Doctor.

I'm with Mr. Lugosi. How is he?

Well, there's a lot of junk in his system for such an old man.

Apparently he was addicted to morphine.

He tried to kick that and he got readdicted to methadone.

Is he gonna be okay? We'll do our best.

Hi, Lillian. Hi, Ed. He's got a lot of visitors today.

He does? Mmm-hmm.

Smile. That's it!

Hey! Hey! One more picture, sir?

Do the doctors say you're gonna get outta here?

Freaks!

Get outta here! Get outta here!

What is wrong with you people? Come on, trash barrel!

Hey!

Bela, what happened?

Eddie, why did you chase them?

After all these years, the press is finally interested again in Bela Lugosi.

Bela, those people are parasites, they just wanna exploit you.

Fine. Let them.

There is no such thing as bad press, Eddie.

Man from New York even said he's putting me on the front page.

First celebrity ever to check into rehab.

When I get out of here I will be healthy, strong.

Primed for my comeback...

Hello again.

Hi. You look beat.

No, I'm fine. How's your father?

Better. Thank you for asking. And your friend?

Not good.

Well, I made him some booties to cheer him up.

They're black, to match his cape.

Say, have you always lived in Los Angeles?

No, I'm from back east. Poughkeepsie.

You know, all-American small town, everybody knows everybody, my dad worked for the post office, I was a Boy Scout.

Did you find it boring? No, not at all.

I had my comic books and pulp magazines.

Used to listen to radio dramas constantly.

I love those shows.

- The Shadow, Inner Sanctum. Yes.

And The Mercury Theater with Orson Welles.

Mmm.

Boy, you know, every Saturday afternoon me and my dad marched down the street in our uniform to the little movie theater.

Oh, the spook house!


Aah!

Aaaarrr!

You're not gonna believe the first picture I ever saw.

It was your friend's... Dracula.

That's incredible, that's the first picture I ever saw.

That is incredible.

You know, I had to sleep with the lights on for a week.

I had to for a month.

But I never missed a Lugosi picture after that one.

A few years ago I actually saw him do Dracula live.

It was much scarier in person.

Oh. We're stuck.

Kathy.

I'm about to tell you something that I never told any girl on a first date.

But I think it's important that you know

I like to wear women's clothes.

Huh? I like to wear women's clothes.

Panties, brassieres, sweaters, pumps.

It's just something I do.

Yes, I can't believe I'm telling you this, but I really like you and I don't want it getting in the way down the road.

Does this mean you don't like sex with girls?

No, I love sex with girls.

Okay.

Okay?

Okay.

You see, we thought that Mr. Lugosi was insured through his union.

Isn't he?

No, they say his eligibility ran out years ago.

Look, Doctor, he doesn't have any money.

But I'll give you everything I've got, a few hundred dollars.

That won't even begin to cover it. He's gonna have to leave.

Bela? Bela, wake up.

I've got some great news.

The doctor says you're all better, you can go home now.

Really?

I don't feel so great.

No? Well, you look just peachy.

And, uh, the tests came back fine.

Come on, let's get up.

Here we go.

Attaboy. Good.

Eddie, I want to make another picture.

When are we going to make another picture?

Oh... Soon, Bela. Very soon.

This is so exciting.

Another production.

Isn't it?

So, Eddie, shouldn't we have a sound crew?

Uh, no, no, because this is just second unit stuff.

We're gonna do the main footage later. All right?

So, what's this scene about?

Um...

You're a very important and respected man.

And you're leaving your house, you're in a hurry.

You're on your way to a big social brouhaha. Okay?

Eddie. What if I'm not in so big a hurry?

What if I take a moment to slow down, to savor the beauty of life, to smell a budding flower?

That's great. That is great.

Let's do a take. Okay?

Ed, I'm really busy.

What do you want now?

I was calling to see if you'd like to attend the world premiere of my new movie, Bride Of The Monster.

Didn't you just make one called Bride Of The Atom?

Yes, it's the same film.

But the distributor wanted a punchier title.

Come on, it's gonna be a big event, Bela, Tor and Cris are coming. You'll have fun!

Uhh! I can't see.

These contact lenses are hurting.

My eyes are killin' me.

Don't worry. We're almost there.

Hi.

Right in there. Thank God you're here. They're tearing up the place.

Come on, come on.

Come on, this way.

Come on!

Come on!

I've never been to a movie premiere before!

Well, go knock 'em dead.

Oooh!

At the stroke of midnight, the witching hour, the ghouls arise from the dead!

Hey, Vampira, how 'bout a little love! Fuck off!

One of them stole my wallet!

I can't see! Get off me!

Let's go!

I gotta save 'em!

Get your heads down!

Come on, let's go! We're getting the heck outta here!

Can't see!

I can't see anymore!

Hey, come on! Let's split!

Taxi!

Stop!

Get in! Come on! Go on, get in!

Now, that was a premiere.

Eddie, last night was quite a romp.

Did you see that kid grab Vampira's boobies?

I envied him. Hell, I envied you, too.

A girlfriend who would jump in front of a car like that.

Yes, she is quite something.

None of my wives would have.

Eddie, I want to thank you.

These last few days have been a good time.

You know, I just...

I just wish you coulda seen the movie. Ah.

No problem.

I know it by heart.

"Home.

"I have no home.

"Hunted.

"Despised.

"Living like an animal.

"The jungle is my home.

"But I shall show the world

"that I can be its master!

"I shall perfect my own race of people.

"A race of atomic supermen

"that will conquer the world!"

Uh, Mr. Lugosi, could I have your autograph, please?

Certainly. Why, that was incredible.

I mean, you're just as great as you ever were.

Better.

I am 74, but I don't know it.

When the brain is young the spirit is still vigorous.

Like a young man.

"And left the planet Mars

"never to return again."

"The end."

Mmm.

Wood Productions.


Hey, whose crazy idea was it to bury him in the cape?

I heard it was in the will, it was how he wanted to be remembered.


Could you run it again?

Mr. Wood. Huh?

Mr. Wood, this is Mr. Reynolds, your landlord.

Could you please open up?

One minute.

Yes?

Uh, Mr. Wood, you have bounced your third and final rent check.

I'm terribly sorry.

My stockbroker must've transferred the wrong account.

Come on in. I'll write you another check.

Ah! I see you're in the picture business.

Yes. I'm interested in the picture business.

My associates and I, we wish to produce a series of uplifting religious films about the apostles.

But unfortunately, we don't have enough money.

Well, raising money's tough.

No, our church has enough money for one film.

We just don't have enough for all 12.

Well, you know what you do?

You produce a film in a commercially-proven genre and then after it's a hit, you take the profits from that and make the 12 apostles movies.

Would that work? Absolutely.

Let me show you something.

You see this script?

Grave Robbers From Outer Space.

Money in the bank.

Grave robbers from what?

From outer space. It's science fiction. Very big with the kids.

If you make this picture, you'll have enough money to finance 100 religious films and pay my back rent with the profits.

I don't know. This is all a lot to absorb.

It's a guaranteed blockbuster.

Mmm.

I understand this science fiction is very popular, but, don't the big hits always have big stars?

Well, we have a big star, Bela Lugosi. Bela Lugosi...

Oh, I thought he passed on.

Yes. Yes, he did.

But...

I've got the last footage he ever shot. Doesn't look like very much.

Mr. Reynolds, this is the acorn that will grow a great oak.

I'll just get a double to finish his scenes and we'll release it as Bela Lugosi's final film.

Bunny? We're makin' another movie.

Yes, I got the Baptist Church of Beverly Hills to put up the cash.

Ed, I got the Lugosi doubles outside.

Bunny, I gotta go.

He's too short.

He's too tall.

He's just not going to work.

Well, Ed, I was thinkin' like when Bela played Fu Manchu.

Paul, that was Karloff. Oh.

You're gonna have to try harder. Okay.

Try to be a cut above. Go get 'em. Okay. Right.

Keep Sunday open, the producers want us to get baptized. Okay.

You know, hon, when you rewrite a script, it just gets better and better.

This is the ultimate Ed Wood movie. No compromises.

Oh, my.

Eddie, look at this. Hmm?

What?

Poor girl's out of a job.

I brought the script. You'll be portraying the ghoul's wife.

The ghoul's wife? Yes.

You should feel lucky.

Eddie's the only fella in town who doesn't pass judgment on people.

That's right. If I did, I wouldn't have any friends.

Look, would it be possible to make the ghoul's wife a little less prominent so people wouldn't really notice me in the movie?

You don't want to be noticed?

Yeah. How about this? What if I don't have any lines? I'll play the part mute.

Mute? Hey, it's Dr. Tom.

Dr. Tom! Hiya! Who's Dr. Tom?

He's my chiropractor. Hey, Kathy. How are you?

Fine, thanks. Well, look at you.

You're looking in alignment today.

Well, actually, my neck is a little funny.

Now, here, let me fix that.

Ooh!

My gosh!

Don't move.

It's uncanny.

Look at his head! It's uncanny!

Lift up your voice And let us sing Alleluia, alleluia He look nothin' like Bela.

He's kinda got his ears.

Oh, look. Cover your face with this.

Oh. Now I can see it.

I want to suck your blood.

I want to suck your blood!

Let's hear you call Boris Karloff a cocksucker.

Shh!

We want these Baptists to like us. Please.

Alleluia Brothers and sisters, we reach now in the service a joyous point because we are going to bear witness to the baptism of our new members.

Why couldn't we do this in the church?

Because Brother Tor couldn't fit in the sacred tub.

Welcome to the fold, brother.

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior?

Yes!

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Amen.

Welcome to the fold, brother. Welcome.

Praise the Lord, brother.

Do you reject Satan and all his evils?

Sure.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Praise the Lord, friends!

Do you repent for all your sins? I do.

How do you do it? How do you get all your friends to get baptized just so you can make a monster movie?

It's not a monster movie.

It's a supernatural thriller. Come to Jesus, brother!

I can't believe this.

Ed, what am I gonna do here? What do you mean?

He has no hair.

Gee, I never noticed that. Put a wig on him!

Before we start shooting, Mr. Wood, we have a few questions.

Yes. The script contains numerous references to grave robbing.

Now, we find the concept of digging up consecrated ground to be highly offensive.

It is blasphemy.

What are you talking about? It's the premise of the movie.

It's the title of the movie, for Christ's sakes!

Mr. Wood!

Yes, about that title.

It strikes us as very inflammatory.

Why don't we change it to Plan 9 From Outer Space?

Ha! That's ridiculous.

All right. And, action!

Medical examiner been around yet?

Just left. The morgue wagon oughta be along most any time.

You get their statement? Yeah, but they're pretty scared.

Fine mess like this will frighten anyone.

You have one of the boys take the guy and the girl back to town, you take charge.

What'd you give him all the lines for? He's unintelligible.

Lugosi's dead and Vampira won't talk, I had to give somebody the dialogue!

That is no answer!

What about glitter?

When I was a headliner in Paris, audiences always liked it when I sparkled.

No!

Cat's eyes! No!

Well, I'm going to need some antennae.

No!

You're the ruler of the galaxy! Show a little taste!

See? No talking. Isn't he good?

Cue Dr. Tom. Now?

Yes, now. Lurk him.

Be sure and keep your face covered.

Isn't it wonderful? Bela lives.

Doesn't it strike you as a bit morbid?

No. He would've loved it.

Bela's returned from the grave.

Just like Dracula. Cue Vampira.

Cut!

Let's go down and find out whose grave it is.

Oh, why do I always get hooked up with these spook details?

Monsters, graves, bodies!

Cue flying saucer.

And cut! Print. We're moving on.

That was perfect. Perfect? Mr. Wood, do you know anything about the art of film production?

Well, I like to think so.

That cardboard headstone tipped over.

This graveyard is obviously phony.

Nobody will ever notice that.

Filmmaking is not about the tiny details. It's about the big picture.

The big picture? Yes.

How about when the policemen arrived in daylight, but now it's suddenly night?

What do you know? Haven't you heard of suspension of disbelief?

Reverend, I'm here.

Oh. Who is he?

This is our choir director.

He's gonna play the young hero.

Are you people insane? I'm the director!

I make the casting decisions around here!

I thought this was a group effort.

No!

No?

They're driving me crazy!

These Baptists are stupid, stupid, stupid!

Okay. I gotta calm down.

Gotta calm down.

Gotta calm down.

Take a deep breath.

Relax.

All right, everybody. Let's get set up for scene 112.

Move the crypt stage left, and let's get Tor's make-up effect ready.

Mr. Wood!

What do you think you're doing? I'm directing.

Not like that you're not!

Remove that get-up immediately!

You shame our Lord.

That's it! I can't take it!

Take me to the nearest bar, and make it snappy!

Imperial Whiskey.

Oh, my gosh.

Orson Welles.

Excuse me, sir? Yes?

Um, well, I'm a young filmmaker and a real big fan.

I just wanted to meet you.

My pleasure. I'm Orson Welles.

I'm, uh, Edward D. Wood, Jr.

What you working on?

Well, the financing just fell through for the third time on Don Quixote.

You know, I can't believe it.

That sounds just exactly like my problems.

It's the damn money men.

They never know who's a windbag and who's got the goods.

Then they all think they're directors.

Ain't that the truth?

Do you know that I've even had producers re-cut my movies?

I hate when that happens.

And they're always trying to cast their buddies.

It doesn't even matter if they're right for the part.

Tell me about it. I'm supposed to do a thriller at Universal but they want Charlton Heston to play a Mexican.

Ah, Mr. Welles. Is it all worth it?

It is when it works.

You know, the one film of mine where I had total control, Kane?

The studio hated it but they didn't get to touch a frame.

Ed. Yes?

Visions are worth fighting for.

Why spend your life making someone else's dreams?

Thank you, Orson.

Mr. Reynolds. Yes.

We are gonna finish this picture just the way I want it because you cannot compromise an artist's vision.

But it's our money. And you're gonna make a bundle but only if you shut up and let me do things my way.

All right, gang. Actors in positions. Let's finish this picture.

Action.

Wanna give him a hand? Keep rolling.

Now that's an alien.

Action.

What plan will you follow now? Plan 9.

Plan 9? Ah, yes.

Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead.

Long-distance electrodes shot into the pineal and pituitary glands of the recent dead.

You know, maybe you guys were right. "Plan 9" is a good title.

I want that lightning, I want those two explosions and I've got to have more shots of the military!

Right.


And cut.

All right, friends. Prepare for scene 32.

Mr. Wood? Yeah?

Where's the cockpit set? You're standing in it. Places!

But what if we develop this solenite bomb?

Then we'd be a stronger nation, too.

"Stronger." You see?

You see? Your stupid minds.

Stupid. Stupid!

That's all I'm gonna take outta you! Oh!

Cut!

Action.

Greetings, my friend.

We are all interested in the future for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

And remember, my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.

And cut!

That's a wrap.

Oh!

I can't get it up. It's stuck.

Eddie, you're gonna be late for your own premiere.

All right, forget it.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see an extraordinary motion picture.

But before it begins, I think we should all give a hand to the man without whom we wouldn't be here tonight.

Eddie, take a bow!


Thank you.

I just wanna say that this film is for Bela.


The grief of his wife's death became greater and greater agony.

The home they had so long shared together became a tomb.

A sweet memory of her joyous living.

The sky to which he had once looked was now only a covering for her dead body.

The ever-beautiful flowers she had planted with her own hands became nothing more than the lost roses of her cheeks.

Confused by his great loss, the old man left that home never to return again.

This is the one.

This is the one I'll be remembered for.

Aw, gee, honey, I'm so happy for ya!

Say, let's get married.

Huh? Right now. Let's go to Vegas.

But, Eddie, it's pouring, and the car top is stuck.

Phooey! It's only a five-hour drive and it'll probably stop by the time we get to the desert.

Heck, it'll probably stop by the time we get around the corner. Let's go.