Edtv (1999) Script

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This spring.

So, any questions?

- Yes. Okay.

I think we get that it's true, but what is it?

Cynthia, why don't you come up here. This is your moment.

Folks, this is Cynthia Topping, she's the program director at True TV.

She's the one that's gonna be strapped to a Scud missile if this idea doesn't work.

Thank you, Mr. Whitaker. I've always wanted to travel. The missile. Yes?

Isn't this show similar to a show that PBS had on in the '70s, the Loud Family?

No, this is completely different.

We're gonna pick one person, one normal person, uh, not like you folks.

And we're gonna put that person's life on television all day long, uh, live.

It's not PBS, it's not Real World.

We're not gonna film it and then edit it later.

Is that how I sound? I don't sound like that, do I?

More or less. On a good day.

You never said anything?

Look, I don't mean to be negative here.

Ooh! Hey!

Now, I know this was your idea and all, but doesn't this have, like, a great chance of being...

A big, smelly bomb? Oh, you betcha. Yeah.

And wouldn't that be, you know, a bad thing?

Keith, we're getting our butts kicked by the Gardening Channel.

People would rather watch soil.

I mean, we are this close to having chalk outlines around our careers.

I love that we're doing this, and I love that it's risky.

All anyone ever does in this business is follow the pack.

I mean, hell, if people tune into this twice a day for five minutes, we're a hit.

And you know what finally convinced me that this could work?

Half a dozen wine coolers?

It's when I realized that the person we pick, the guy that's on TV all day long, doesn't even have to be good.

I mean, if he's good, great, but if he's bad, even better.

Bad is better?

People can't turn away from an accident.

You know, you drive by and you say, "Ooh, I hope there's not a head in the road. That would be..."

But then you look. You don't want to miss it.

So we put a guy on TV, and we just sit and wait, and see if that head starts rolling down the highway.

Now, that's fun for the whole family.

So, what's our next step?

Yeah, I'd love to know that.

We find ourselves a big, fat, rolling head.

Are you seeing this? Are you looking around you? Are you...

God, you know what this is?

Oh! This is a horror show.

What are you going off about now, John boy?

You know what. This doesn't bug you?

All our friends and everybody getting married and they're having kids and their careers.

And their kids are having careers. It's a mess.

Why would that bug me, man?

I mean, look at us, right? We are doing fine.

Oh.

Okay. You have a beer around your neck.

That's my point! Hey, there's Ray!

Your brother's here. Go long, man.

I'm gonna go over and say hi to Kim.

Oh, hey, yeah, listen. That was great tonight. I loved it.

Oh, man.

What's going on, man?

I'm telling you, it's weird.

It's like, we meet, we go out a couple of times and then, bing bang boom, she's got me meeting her parents.

What do you mean "bing bang boom"?

Buddy, you've been going out with her for six months.

Yeah? Yeah.

I suddenly feel like the walls are closing in on me.

You know... The father is sitting there asking me about my career prospects.

Can you believe that?

Oh! At dinner, the dog is sniffing my balls.

I mean, at least I hope it was the dog, because her mother disappeared for a while.

Hey, what's going on over there?

They're doing audition tapes for that True TV thing.

People are sending them in from all over the place.

Oh, yeah? That's cool!

What's cool?

To be that guy, that guy they watch all day. Get out of here.

Hey, I'm telling you. Mark my words.

That guy is going to be famous.

He'll be able to get whatever he wants, whoever he wants.

Hey. Trust me. This is my business.

What is?

Show business.

Oh, you're in show business now?

Yeah, I service video equipment.

That's like saying the people stitching Nikes in Panama are in the NBA.

Hello.

Bed wetter. Thumb sucker.

Hey, you know what?

I'm going to go make a tape. You know what?

I'm excited.

All right, so... I know that I can do this.

It's my turn. I'm next.

Hey, Buzz, can I get one more?

You got it.

Hello, there. Hey.

So Ray met the family, huh? Huh?

Oh, yeah.

I heard the dog really liked him. Yeah.

Oh, the whole family loved him.

Of course, my whole family really loved the last guy I went out with and he strung me along for a year and then dumped me.

Yeah? Mmm-hmm.

And, you know, every guy I ever broke up with, the minute it's over, I could tell you what went wrong.

How it went wrong, why it had to go wrong.

But when I'm in it, lost.

I'm like a love coroner!

You know, bring me the corpse, I'll tell you what killed it.

But how to prevent it? Lost.

Hey, y'all!

I'm Ray Pekurny!

I'm from right here in San Francisco, the greatest city in the world.

Yeah!

Are you with me?

Go Niners!

Yeah!

Okay. I want to introduce you to my girlfriend.

She's really cute, she's really cool...

No! ...and she's really strong.

She's a UPS person, you know. She lifts packages. Not beefy or anything.

She told me this joke. "What do you get when you cross UPS with FedEx?

"Fed up!"

It's her joke.

Oh, my brother. Ed, yeah, come on.

Come on, say something, Ed. Asshole.

Come on, man. Say something. All right. Um...

I don't know about this whole 24-hour TV thing you all got going, but if you're gonna go forward with it, this is your man.

Smart man. That's it. The Ray-man here. This guy's got stories.

This guy has lived. I've got stories. I've lived!

Tell them about that dog-grooming business you started.

No, no, no. Not here.

No, you gotta tell them about that. I don't really want to.

Ray, tell them.

All right, I'm telling, I'm telling. Here we go.

This guy? Yeah, take a look at this kid.

...was gonna start up a mobile dog-grooming business.

He's cute. Really?

Yes.

He doesn't want to be like everybody else. No.

He doesn't start it in a van or a pickup truck or something like that.

No, the Ray-man, he starts it in a Camry!

Camry! Camry! Camry!

So, he gets a tub, right? He puts it in the trunk.

He throws the dogs in the tub, slams the trunk shut, starts driving around.

Speeds up, stops real quick, turns left hard, turns right hard to get the dogs all sudded up, right?

Pretty smart, right? Now, guess how he dries them off. Guess.

With the exhaust!

What do you say, I mean, we bring him in?

We just... It can't hurt. Just talk to him.

Well... I'm from East Texas.

Yep. And, uh, when I was, like, 13, my mom got remarried to my stepfather who was a traveling salesman.

He got transferred up here to San Francisco, so, you know, we all came along.

- Here we are, here I am. Mmm-hmm.

Terrific. Yep.

And did you go to college or...

I had a year at junior college.

Home of the Bear Cats.

Oh! Scary.

What did you study?

Studying? Um...

Jeez, that'd have been a big help.

That really would have. Where were you then?

That's cute.

Straight ahead. What? Oh, yeah.

And as you see, I can get rid of the Texas accent whenever I want.

Or I can just slide real deep on into it like this.

How do you decide?

Well, to tell you the truth, I find that, uh, this accent here don't do me no harm with the ladies.

Know what I mean, darlin'?

Yep.

No, never been married. Um...

I've been burned a couple times, though.

My father?

Um...

Let's see. When I was 12, my mom got a hysterectomy.

He ran off with her nurse, and I haven't seen him since.

That's my dad, Hank Pekurny.

Next question?

Uh, like, one time I was playing pee-wee football back in Texas, right, and I dislocated my finger.

Mom comes rolling out of the bleachers down, busts through this little group of kids, grabs my finger...

Pops it back into place.

Runs up, slaps the coach upside the head and says, "Let's get the game on!"

That's Mom.

And I still can't really bend this finger, though.

Oh... A dream?

Oh, yeah, man, I got a dream. I, uh...

I just don't know what it is yet, you know.

Did you test him? Did you do any research?

Research?

We don't even have money in our budget for coffee filters.

We're using a yarmulke.

But this is who you want?

I'm going based on something you once said at a broadcaster's dinner.

I love it! I love it!

You see what she does?

See what she does? She attaches me to her choice.

Thereby fueling my massive ego and forcing me to like it.

You're great! How come you never doodle my name?

I do. I'm joking. Joking.

Once again.

This is the guy you want to go with?

Yes.

What happens when you go to the bathroom? Do they go in with you?

No, Al, the bathroom's out of bounds.

Okay, dinner's getting cold!

You know, my life is not so great that I want it shown on television.

And neither is yours, Ed.

That's the whole point. This could change all of that.

How?

Oh! Oh!

I'm glad you asked. I want to open a gym.

A gymnasium?

No, a gym. A gymnasium is an old, white guy shooting free throws like this.

I'm talking a modern-day fitness center.

What does it have to do with Ed?

Well, if Ed is on TV for a month, he gets a balloon payment.

That's big money.

Right. I borrow against that right now at the bank, I buy the gym, I make Ed a silent partner, and I cut all you in for a slice because you signed the releases.

This is gonna cost us.

It's not gonna cost... Hey, look.

Open your eyes instead of your mouth for once. This is a no-brainer.

The whole time I'm gonna be promoting the gym on TV.

It's free advertising.

I mean, does anyone else see this?

How about sex?

Sorry, Al, but I'm gonna have to pass.

And it's not an age thing, 'cause you are still a handsome man.

No!

Do they show you having sex?

No, Al. Look, kissing and hugging.

Nudity? Ed, you're not gonna be nude.

Why would I be nude, Mom?

What kind of a show is this? It's a filthy show!

It is not a filthy show.

Have you even read the whole contract?

Do you even know what's in it?

Oh, little Miss Cautious all of a sudden.

She meets a guy in a bar, she's married an hour later.

We didn't get married, we just thought we were married.

Marcia, calm down, honey.

Well, he's picking at me and he's bringing up all kinds of issues.

Listen, married is married. You know, maybe this isn't a good idea.

What isn't? All of it.

I mean, the whole thing, you know.

Maybe I'll just get out now before it gets complicated.

You know, no harm, no foul.

Oh, great. They had to pick you. They couldn't pick me.

Well, if he doesn't want to do it

"If he doesn't want to do it"?

He's 31 years old, he's a video-store clerk!

What is his grand masterplan here, huh?

What, is he gonna spend the rest of his life rearranging Ernest movies?

I mean, everyone who works there is 12 years old.

They go through college, they graduate, and then they stop working there.

Except for him!

He stays to welcome the next batch of 12-year-olds.

I mean, if you ask me, it's a job for retards!

Ray, stop that!

Was I being insulting? Uh-huh.

Yeah, kind of.

As usual.

I mean, a fellow can't...

All right, all right. Look, look.

Hey.

You don't have to be scared. I'm not scared.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared. I'm not scared. You're scared, man.

I am not scared, Ray. You got that doe-in-the-headlights look.

You're mixing your proteins and starches and you can't...

Look, I'll tell you what.

You don't have to worry about anything. You know why?

Huh?

No, why? Because big brother's riding shotgun, man.

I've got your back.

Now, did anything ever happen to you when you were a kid?

Anyone ever bother you?

Just you. Just me.

You bring those cameras over to big brother and I promise you, I will make something happen for both of us, for all of us!

And, you know, how many chances do guys like you and I get?

I don't know. Yeah, that's right, you don't know.

Guys, when am I gonna get my on-air feed?

All I'm getting are color bars.

Mike, loosen up just a little bit.

Stand by to lose laser. Good.

TOC. We're ready to feed.

Carlos, now show me where you're gonna be when we go live.

There you go, right there. Go back up a little bit.

Okay, right there.

All right, guys, we're gonna go in ten, nine...

Is it starting?

Hey. Hey.

Four, three, two, and ready one, take one.

There he is!

Not the best angle.

This is exciting.

Oh, my God, is that what I think it is?

I think so. A little morning chubby.

Damn it.

Oh, no.

Oh, honey.

Don't do that.

Pull it out. Pull it out.

Well, that's embarrassing.

Good morning.

Microphone. Mmm-hmm.

Microphone.

Turn on the TV.

Good morning.

I'm Ed.

There's that smile!

Ow, ow, ow!

- Hot! An action sequence.

I kind of pieced this stereo together.

You know, kind of a homemade job.

This is my wall of chrome.

I've been collecting those since, like, 1973.

Shit.

Oh, wow!

What'd I miss?

He's, uh, checking out his own ass.

You gotta see this.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Hey!

Come on, man, hop in.

Let's go!

Whoa!

All right.

The mast is down.

Let's go, Sam, let's go!

Hey, Ed! Ed, up here!

Guys, film me. Yeah, hi!

Ed, up here! Yeah!

Ah!

Hey!

Act like everything is normal.

Go. Go.

What's up, man?

Guys.

Welcome to work, Ed.

It's good to be at work, Lou.

I got just what you need right here, boys.

The best tape in the whole damn store. Smokey and the Bandit.

Huh!

Who's in that?

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr. is in that, boys.

Burton Leon Reynolds, Jr.? Who?

Get out.

You can't have this tape. Go home!

Get your raggedy little Steven Seagal-loving asses out of here.

"Who's in this?" Burt Reynolds!

Burt.

Burt rules.

Alice, why are we watching this?

No reason. I just want to see what happens.

Well, let me spare you the suspense, okay?

Absolutely nothing's gonna happen, all right? Trust me on this.

Yeah. Which one of these albums would you recommend?

You gotta go with that. Yeah.

Ah! That's a good choice right there.

I think he's cute.

No, no, no.

You look at your husband, okay? Get.

I'm gonna make you say my name tonight, woman.

You know, most people like to hurry through a toenail clipping session.

You know, just clip and git, you know.

Not me. Uh-huh.

I like to take my time.

I'm meticulous, you know.

I like to do it.

Yeah.

You know, if this guy collects his toe cheese, I'm out of here.

...then head down to the little toe. That ain't me.

I save the big one...

For last.

'Cause it's bigger, you know.

You gotta do some work. You gotta be an artiste.

Look at that.

Oh!

No. No, I haven't seen the spot ratings.

You know how you're watching the big game and you gotta do your business?

Yeah. Well, that's a number that, you know, we'll hopefully build from.

I don't have to anymore. Check that out. I designed this.

No, I disagree. No, I don't think it's time to pull the plug.

Can you back up to your right a little bit?

Yes, Mr. Whitaker, I know they shoot horses.

What do you see? What is that?

That is the TV. And where am I? I am on the can.

At the same time, I am on the can, but yet I am still a fan.

But you know what, it's been one day, okay?

Can you give me a week with this guy, and then you fly up my nose? Hello?

Somebody smart said, "Practicality wins out."

So, in this bathroom, I'm a winner.

Yeah.

Five.

Six.

Seven.

Eight.

Come on, Ray, she's not that heavy.

You shifted your weight.

I'm not hurt. I'm not hurt. I'm okay.

Ray's Gym! Now accepting applications!

We want your body! Ray's! Look what he did for me. Huh?

All right.

What do you like about it? I don't understand.

I don't know. It's just that it's... Well...

Just let me watch.

Okay, you're gonna love this. This is a great story.

I got a great story, okay?

You remember Marcia? Of course you remember Marcia. She's our sister.

No, you know, she's going out with this new guy.

They're living together.

Ray, you want to save this till later, man?

No, now's the perfect time.

He's a singer in a piano bar.

Sings, plays the piano, and that's how they met.

He sang to her, they fell in love.

Not even, Buzz. No, no.

Get this. Some drunk hit him in the head with a snifter.

You know, one of those things they keep on the bar for tips.

You don't know, Buzz, 'cause you never get any tips.

But he hit him over the head 'cause he's terrible, he's wretched, he's awful, he's dreadful, he sucks. I'm telling you, right?

So that's what happened.

She's pulling out a chunk of glass out of his skull, and he bleeds on her, and that's all she needs!

Bing! It's amour, right?

The question I'm asking is, "What's she doing in a bar in the first place?"

She's an alcoholic, for Christ's sakes.

No. No, no, Ray. Ray, buddy, not here. Come on now.

I gotta pee. I gotta pee.

Hey, what are you, hiding from the police or something?

Come on, show yourself. Look, is she beautiful?

She's beautiful, right?

That's my girl. Listen.

While I'm gone, Ed, tell 'em about that time that we lied to Mom, and then we went down to Tijuana to find the donkey show.

I got her. I got her.

You are, though.

What?

Beautiful.

Thank you. Hey, man.

You're welcome. Yeah, buddy?

I'm taking a poll on whether or not I should shave my head.

Um, I've had about 19 beers, so take that into account.

Hey, Barry, did you see that? What?

The girl. The look. Yeah.

She likes the Ed guy better than she likes the brother.

No, I don't think I like it. I don't think it's nice.

Yeah, it's a good set of hair you got on your head right now.

All right, I had about enough of this. Give me the remote.

Just a few more minutes. Read your book.


Not this morning. Mmm-mmm.

Let's change topics for a moment.

Does anybody have an opinion or viewpoint on something going on now called Ed TV?

Oh!

This is a new low point in American culture.

You're being kind. Way too kind. Oh!

Brushing my teeth.

They never bothered to pick a guy with any talent.

Or even anything to say.

They seem to celebrate the fact that the guy's a boob.

Sort of bit of a joyous celebration of boobery. That's what it is.

Take it easy.

Hey, Ed, your show stinks.

Hey, Ed, you want my autograph? Yeah!

Okey-dokey.

$10?

You're telling me now you want $10 to walk my dog?

Listen, we had a deal, you little 8-year-old bastard.

I'll tell you what. Keep the dog.

Who is it?

Yeah, who is it? It's me, Ed, buddy.

Ed? Just kidding. How you doing?

Good, man. You ready to watch the game?

Actually, no. I'm a little bit sleepy.

I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm spent.

What are you talking about being sleepy, buddy? Five minutes to tip-off.

It's time for Rocket ball, bruh!

Ray, where do you keep the glasses?

Shari's here. Why didn't you just say so?

Huh?

Hi, Shari. Who's Shari?

Who's that?

Okay. Oh, God. Oh, God.

You want me to get that? No, I got it. Ed, don't go, I...

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Look at that! Get in on that!

No, no, honey. It's not what you think. Oh, man!

You're being misled by a manipulating medium called television.

All right, let's get out. Out, out, out.

No, no, she's a homeless girl. Ed, don't leave.

And she was out on the street, and so I...

She didn't have any clothes or a place to stay, and I... Honey?

Oh, shit! Ed?

What do you mean "homeless"?

My place is better than this dump.

Dump? What?

That was Shari on the phone. She saw the whole thing on TV.

And I gotta tell you, she's pissed.

Well, no shit, Ray. Who's the girl?

Come here a second.

She's the receptionist at the place where I buy all that gym equipment.

And she's a real knockout and a redhead to boot, which I've never had.

And she's never given me the time of day. Suddenly, today, she's all, "Hey, I saw you on TV last night, and you were great."

And I'm all, "You know, I just made some ginger root gazpacho, come on over."

And the next thing you know, ba-da-bing!

I mean, I'm human.

Come on, Ray. What do you mean? Why didn't you stop?

Stop?

Yeah, why didn't you stop? I'm the guy. I don't stop.

That's the woman's job. We're the gas, they're the brakes.

Go talk to Shari. Honey, let him come talk to you, okay?

Why? Why me?

Because you brought the cameras here.

You brought the girl.

Oh! Oh, is that the way it is, bro, huh? Huh?

You can't do me that one little, simple favor?

Great. Okay. I don't need any favors from you!

Matter of fact, PS, go to hell!

Freaking out of his gourd, man.

Hey, Ed, man, come on, you know I really need this. I need this.

Listen, if I go over there, you know they're coming with me.

Yeah, and if I go over there, she's gonna put my balls in a blender.

You know you would, honey.

And so all I'm asking is just go talk to her and beg her.

Beg her if you have... Actually, honey, let him come beg you.

Just let him come beg you.

And you owe me.

I owe you? You know you owe me.

I owe you? I owe you? You owe me.

Yes, go!

I can't go on about this. "I owe you, you owe me."

Look, I have a guest. I'm being rude, all right? I'll talk to you.

Thanks, honey. Okay.

Yeah, Phil, are you watching this?

Well, you might want to take a look.

Jack, let's go. We're gonna be late.

Don't shush me.

Hi!

Hi, I'm Rita. I'm Shari's roommate.

Hey, Rita, I'm Ed.

Shari knew you were coming over because she saw...

The cameras, yeah. Yeah.

She really doesn't want you and the cameras up here right now.

Right. Um...

Well, at least, how's she doing?

I...

I gave her a drink. I thought...

But she's not much of a drinker, so it's made her a little...

What do you want? Belligerent.

Hey, Shari.

Listen, I'm real sorry about all this.

Can I come up?

Come on, Shari.

Look, I know it's real awkward with the cameras and all, but let me come up for a couple of seconds and say two words, would you?

Shari, come on, would you?

I'm getting really wet down here. Can I come up?

All right, here we go, Carlos.

Just stay with him. Stay with him.

Hang on, Mike.

Am I set? Yeah, you're hard-wired, Mike.

Hi. Hey.

Thanks for letting me up. Sure.

Hey, Shari.

I'm going to go to bed. Good night. Did I miss anything?

Good night.

Hi, Mom.

Ray feels... Oh, don't defend that horse's ass to me!

I'm not. I'm not defending him, Shari. I...

Look, I'm just saying, maybe this is a good thing.

I mean, he got it out of his system, right?

He knows it's not worth it.

So now one day if you two decide to get married or something.

I've got news for you.

I never intended to marry him.

Why?

Well, for one thing, he's a bad lay!

I mean bad!

You tell him, sister! You tell him!

Oh, you know that's terrible.

Oh, shit.

Hey, Shari.

You happy now, Ray?

Listen, I think you're pissed off at him and you're hurt, you know.

And you're trying to get back at Ray.

Don't you think?

Yeah, you're right.

It's me. It's me! It's always me!

I go out with all different kinds of guys and the same thing keeps happening!

I mean, look, you know what? Look.

See these magazines? I take these quizzes, right?

"How Are You at Relationships?"

I cheat, okay? I look in the back for the answers.

I mean, Rita says men suck and they should all die, you know.

Then she eats a pound cake. I mean, she's crazy, but she's not confused.

Me, I examine every little thing.

I mean, you know, I'm just like this.

- Shari. What?

You're way too terrific of a person to be doing this to yourself. You are.

I mean, hey, I've told Ray a couple of times, I think you are one of the best and smartest and most attractive women that I have ever met.

I mean that.

Really? Yeah, really.

There is nothing wrong with you.

Uh-oh.

Kiss him! Kiss him!

Don't do it, Ed.

Don't you kiss her. Don't you kiss her.

God!

I'm nuts, huh? Ha! I told him.

Yes! Yes! I win!

Oh, Whitaker, you schmuck, I am the golden goddess of television!

Oh, my God.

Yes, you're on television. You're on television.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

God!

Oh, wow.

Listen, Shari? It's okay.

I just kissed my boyfriend's brother on television!

How is that okay?

Well, when you put it that way, no, it's not ideal.

Please go. Go! Let's just talk...

All right. We're out of here, guys. Come on, she's right.

Son of a bitch. What the hell just happened?

Hey! Hey!

Come on, Ed, you can't do this to me!

We're locked out! We're locked out!

Oh, no, no, Carlos, you're killing me! Just shoot the door.

I got Mike up on the roof.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

What are we doing?

I've got to tell you something, Shari. What?

I've had a big thing for you for months, Shari.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, I've been seeing you going out with Ray and you being his girlfriend, and the whole time I was wishing you were my girlfriend.

See, me, too!

I am going out with Ray, and all I can think about is you.

I treated you like a princess!

- Oh, this is so weird. Yeah, it is weird.

Oh, I gotta go.

¿ Uno más?

Ray? Oh, hey, Al. Hey, you seen Ray? Is he around?

Hey, I'm on television! Yeah.

Ray was here, but he left when he saw you were coming over.

Shit. Hey, that was some night last night, kiddo.

Yeah, it damn sure was, Al.

All right, how about Mom? Is she around?

She's here. She's in the bedroom.

I'd yell for her, but I'd die.

Don't do that. Mom!

I'm right here, darling. There's no need to shout.

That's not how you were brought up.

Mom, what are you doing?

Hello, everybody. Welcome to my home.

Blanche DuBois lives. - Mom, Mom.

I'm looking for Ray. Listen, I've been calling him.

He won't call me back. You know where I can find him?

How could you do something like that? Your own brother's girlfriend.

It's not all my fault. He cheated on her.

Well, it was a mistake. Yes, it was a mistake.

Do you know where he is?

No. Maybe he's watching.

Tell him you're sorry, tell him that you will stay away from that girl.

No, Ma! And that girl has a name, okay?

What, do you love her or something?

- Come on, Al. Look at that red face.

I had a car that color. A Buick!

Aren't you excited?

He practically said he loved you on television.

I know.

Hi. Hi, girls.

Wait. Take my picture. Here, take my picture.

Go ahead, take my picture with him.

I gotta go to work. You understand that?

I am really gonna get hurt this time.

There we go, girls.

I'm going to work. Bye.

Yeah, Doc, I stopped payment on the plugs.

You gave me doll hair!

I'll hold.

Bye!

Okay, now I'll tell you something else. Yeah.

The old guy in the wheelchair, the stepfather?

Yeah.

They're gonna have him die.

Well, that was Whitaker on the phone.

I'm gonna have to go scrub my ass because he's on his way over to kiss it.

Hey!

Hey, bring it on in, buddy. Bring it on in.

That's right, come on.

A little further. Come on. All right, perfect, man. Perfect.

Oh, I got my own parking spot now?

It's all for you, Ed.

How's it going, man? Good, Mark, how are you?

Come on inside.

Thanks, man. Ed, you're the best, man.

Saw you last night. Looking good, man. All right.

Hey, Ed.

Oh, Ray, man. I've been looking all over for you, buddy.

Listen, man, I know I got some explaining to do.

Just let me do what I came here to do.

What, do you want to fight?

Cassie, come on.

This is really hard. You promised.

Wait, what are you doing, Ray?

Go ahead.

I went out with Ray a few years ago, for a couple of months, and we were intimate.

And he's really not as bad as that girl said he was.

I mean, I've definitely had worse. That's enough.

I think we did what we came here for. Wow.

Goodbye, brother. No, come on, Ray!

Vindicated!

Ray, what are you...

Okay, I'm in the bathroom. Go ahead.

Ed, sorry we're calling you so late.

It's just that this is the only time we get to talk to you off camera.

No, it's cool, Cynthia, I was up.

Ed, why didn't you go see Shari today, man?

That's what everybody was hoping you'd do.

Well, you know, I mean, I wanted to, but...

Is it about Ray? Because Ray is not a problem.

And he cheated on Shari.

That's right, Ed. Viewers don't like Ray. The research says females...

No, hey, guys, it's not Ray. Okay?

Hey, Cynthia?

Yes, Ed?

You got a second? Can I talk to you alone for a second?

Absolutely. Yeah. Why don't you guys take off?

I'll see you all in the morning. Okay. I'll talk to...

Okay, see you later. All right, I'll see you later.

Goodbye. All right. See you later.

Ed, how's it going?

I'm good, you know. I'm good. Everything's cool.

Did you decide you don't really like Shari that much?

No! No, no, no. That's not it at all.

Oh, I like Shari plenty, okay? I mean, Shari is...

Oh, man, Shari's great.

Yeah?

Look, Cynthia, how's this gonna work?

I mean, what, are we gonna date on TV? She's not gonna like that.

You know, and I...

Ed, if you don't call her, you're not really giving her a choice.

Okay.

Ed? What?

Can I give you some advice about women?

Sure.

Women want to be pursued.

Yes, but...

Ed? Huh?

What would Burt do?

Oh, this is so exciting. A real celebrity delivering my figs.

Yeah. Okay, if you would just sign right here, please.

Ray's a pig. That Ed is a doll. You latch onto him, honey.

Okay. Please sign right there in the black area.

You know, it wouldn't kill you to use a little more makeup on television.

You look a little washed out.

Okay. What do I actually have to do to get you to sign this?

Uh-huh. On television a minute, and already you got an attitude.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

Hi.

What are you doing? I missed you.

Really?

Uh...

Wow.

I've never seen you in uniform before.

Yeah, well.

It's really quite a turnoff.

Thank you.

Listen, Sunday night at the Sharks game, I'm gonna be driving the Zamboni.

The what?

You now, that big machine that cleans the ice, you know.

Uh-huh. It's quite an honor.

Will you go with me?

Look, I know this is weird, Shari, but...

I don't want to wait.

I don't.

I really think we might have something here.

Don't you?

Oh, these are for you. Thank you.

So, will you be my Zamboni date?

Huh?

Yes. All right.

Yes!

Cynthia, this is great. This is exploitable! This is perfect.

Yeah, well...

Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Pekurny!

Yeah!

Whoo!

Where's my girl? Where's my girl? There she is!

Shari!

Let's go, Ed!

There are girls just ripe for some kissin'

And I mean To kiss me a few Man, those chicks don't know what they're missin'

Ow! Don't kick me in the shin.

Don't make fun of him!

Sizzlin' steaks All ready for tastin'

Oh, my God. Ed, look!

Hey, it's Ed! Hey, it's Ed!

Good evening, Ken. How's it going?

How's it going?

The girl I'm seeing is dancing with that guy right there.

Good night.

Oh, my God, it's Ed!

Eddie!

You're the man, Ed! You're the man, Ed!

My man Ed! Ed!

Look at this. How cool is this?

He's a Beatle. Well, he's not a Beatle, but he's a Spice Girl.

Or a... Or a Beanie Baby.

He's Menudo!

Hey, Shari, lucky lady! I want to be on TV with you.

Look right over there at that monitor.

Stop it! Who do you think you are?

Stop it!

Shari!

Shari!

Hold on, I got you. Back off!

You okay, babe?

Okay, we're gonna take a break now.

Are you okay? Mmm-hmm.

Wow. You went down. I lost an earring.

You think you can go out and get it?

Yeah, I'll get it. No, no. Okay, I'm just kidding.

You're kidding? Just kidding. Would you really do that?

Yeah, I'd do that. I mean, if you wanted your earring.


Oh, wow. That's the new camera truck, huh?

Look at my enormous head.

Anyway, Cynthia, last night, that was scary.

Listen. Listen. Don't worry that.

That won't happen again. We're getting you security.

Good.

I have some news for you.

What's that?

We're, uh, picking up Ed TV for another month.

Whoa, say that again.

We're picking you up for another month.

That means a balloon payment and a big raise next month.

You're telling me that balloon payment, I'm going to get that?

Yeah.

Here we go.

Thank you! Oh, man! This is so incredible.

Cynthia, this is amazing!

Yes! Another month and a balloon payment!

Ray! Ray, if you're watching...

Who the hell would be watching this?

Did you hear this? Did you hear this?

I got the payment, buddy. I got the payment. This money's for you!

All right? To pay back that loan! Huh?

It's for you, brother! Come on!

What do we do when we're happy? What do we do when we're happy?

Chicken dance, baby. The chicken dance.

Huh?

Come on. I know you're doing it wherever you are, brother.

If I was doing it, I wouldn't do it like that.

I'm on for another month.

Everybody back up, please. Please!

Please, clear a path to the car.

Four weeks ago, no one in America had ever heard of Ed Pekurny.

Today, this 31-year-old video store clerk has become something of an American icon, a national obsession.

Honestly?

I try not to go to the bathroom until Ed goes to the bathroom, so I don't miss anything.

I don't know. The idea just came to me.

Sure, it came to you, because I brought it to you.

You know, I'm not a guy who works by committee. I'm a one-man show.

What do you guys think about Shari?

She's needy! I don't like her.

She's too tall. It's, like, abnormal.

Yeah. She creeps me out.

She's always, "Get away! Get away!"

I mean, who does she think she is?

I know! And she's so bony!

Oh, well, to me, this Shari's like nothing, right?

She's not even hot. I mean, Ed's a celebrity.

If that was me, I'd be dating the goods.

There's like something wrong with her. She's definitely not hot.

Not hot, not hot. No way.

She is a heat-free being.

Hello? Hi, here you go.

Oh, hi. Yeah. I've been waiting for this. Thank you.

Y'all watching Ed TV, right? Sign right here, please.

What's up with Shari? You know, Ed's girlfriend Shari?

What is up with that bitch?

Ed, honey, look.

Ed, when you get tired of that skanky ho, come see me, baby.

Check out the moves! Watch this one.

Oh, oh! She's down.

Get out of here.

Shari! Shari!

Hi. Come pile on! Set down the groceries.

Come here!

Where are you going, baby?

No. We're not gonna do it today, Shari.

I'm gonna go and get ready.

Baby. Hey, is everything all right?

No! My truck broke down, and I got stuck in the rain.

I called the company, and no one came to get me.

Rita! Just a second.

Don't they give you a hat?

Some dorky kid stole it as a souvenir.

Oh... That sucks.

I got to tell you. I'm kind of glad he did, Shari, 'cause god damn you look sexy.

Ed, I don't want to be on television anymore.

Shari, how's that gonna work?

I have been trying, okay?

But maybe we should just hold off on seeing each other until you are done with all of this.

You're out of there, baby!

I knew it was gonna happen, dude! I told you!

Okay, that's a little extreme, isn't it?

I can't take it anymore, Ed.

I have no privacy.

Oh...

I mean, even now I'm crying, and I can't stop, and they won't leave.

And now it's gonna be another month!

Everybody hates me. Nobody hates you, baby. Why are you...

Who hates you? A poll, Ed!

USA Today "Is Shari good enough for Ed?"

71% of the people said no.

Who cares what they say, you know? I don't care.

Well, you know, I do care. You know what? Shame on everybody!

She's crying over here, and it's all your fault.

At least the 71% of you. The other...

Twenty-nine.

29%.

You're smart! See, isn't she smart? I mean...

God, she's sexy with the wet hair and everything.

And she's funny. You know that?

She's really funny, too. She really is!

Shari, do that love coroner skit that you did for me at the pool hall that time.

It's so...great. It's great. Okay? Okay, baby? You set?

Okay, back up, get a wide shot of this. Get a wide shot. Okay.

All right, baby, remember...

That's the punch line, all right?

You got a whole runway over there.

Come on, are you set to pop?

All right, ones and twos, and look right here.

What are you doing?

Do the thing. Do, like, the skit.

You want me to entertain your audience?

What is this, Ed? An audition to be your girlfriend, because I'm not good enough for you?

No, Shari, that's not it! Come on, Shari!

Psycho chick. Damaged goods, bro. Do not accept, man.

Man, this is stupid. "Is Shari good enough for Ed?"

Who the hell am I, huh? Who do you think I should be dating?

There's a list!

Really?

Ed?

God damn.

Now, Ed, the whole Shari thing, is that over?

You guys gonna be showing up on the History Channel?

What? What's happening?

No, we're just... We're on hold. On hold?

What, is she a phone call? Is she listening to Yanni music?

You're gonna get back to her? Who puts a woman on hold?

What is that all about? No, we're just...

You know, we're gonna wait till this is over, and then we're gonna pick it back up.

I guess, this is the famous Carlos who follows you everywhere?

You know what I wanted to ask you, what is this chicken dance thing?

The chicken dance. Y'all know the chicken dance?

Okay, so let's do it!

Have I got it? Is this how you do it?

You gotta get your butt out there. This is a lot of fun.

Ed Pekurny! We'll be right back, right after this.

Yeah, yeah, thank you.

Hey, can I have another hat for my dad?

Ed, I've got your car ready right here, man. Cool.

Hey, can you get us a couple of sodas for the ride to the airport?

Yeah. What do you want? Coke or Pepsi?

Uh... Pepsi.

Can I talk to you for a second, man? Yeah.

What's up? My name is Shane.

Hey, Shane. What's this, man? How you doing?

This is a tape of my band, man.

I thought that maybe you could play it on your show.

Oh, man, come on.

One of the guys is blind.

All right, I'll give it a listen.

Hey, the name of the band is Not All Of Us Can See.

Really terrific name. Not All Of Us Can See.

Not All Of You Can See. What the hell is that, man?

For the love of sweet...

Jesus Christ! Really.

Hi. Hi.

Um, I just wanted to say I really love your show.

I think you're great. Oh, thank you.

That's a really cool thing to say. I'm Ed.

And you must be John?

I'm trying to remember, all right.

Well, I'm Jill. I'm from San Francisco, too.

Right. The Bay Area. Yes, I can tell by the accent.

Oh, I'm just joshing you.

So, what are you doing here?

Oh, well, I just flew down to audition, um, for a skit.

All right.

I'm a model and sort of an actress, so...

Um...

It was really... It was nice meeting you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. No, you, too.

Yeah.

They were supposed to send a car for me to take me to the airport, but, um...

I'll tell you what. We got a...

We're going to the airport right now. Got a limo outside.

Why don't you... Why don't you ride with us?

Oh. Yeah, that'd be great.

Thanks. You're welcome.

All right. All right.

Excuse me. Coming through.

Take all you want, man. It's free.

Tawny.

Oh...

Hey, Carlos.

These go in the nude picture pile.

What do we got here?

Oh, this is cute.

This goes in the psychopath pile.

Oh.

Hope it's not this guy.

Be right there!

Hello.

Hey, Moe, what's going on?

Hey, Ed, this guy says he knows you.

Hey. Hey.

How you doing?

You don't recognize me?

Dad?

Yeah. Yeah.

Did you do this? Did you find him? No way.

Come on... Come on in.

Yeah, okay.

God damn.

Everybody, this is Hank, he's, uh, my dad.

Oh, this just keeps getting better, doesn't it?

So, what you're saying, Ma, is that everything he told me yesterday was a lie. Yes.

Practically.

What do you mean "practically," Ma?

Either you threw him out or he ran away. Which one is it?

I need to replace the coil.

He ran away after I threw him out.

How much is one of those new coils? 150 bucks.

So, he was telling the truth.

Should I go ahead?

Yes. Yes to me, or yes to the coil, Mom?

Both. Oh, shit.

Eddie, look, he had girlfriends. Okay?

He told me he had this one girl...

I really do not need to relive this on national television.

I am your mother.

Yes, you are. Do not humiliate me like this!

I'm not trying to humiliate you.

I don't need this! Go away!

Eddie?

Make this one out to Dr. Rumpley.

Maybe this son of a bitch won't keep me waiting an hour.

Damn urologists think they run the world.

She does this every time.

All right. Do you want to know the truth? Yeah.

I took you and Ray and Marcia to my sister's on the train for the weekend.

You all came down with chicken pox, and so I took you home a day early.

And, uh, I walked in, and there was your father with another woman in our bed. Okay!

Chicken pox. Ma, I was six when I had chicken pox, and Dad didn't leave until I was 12.

Well, he apologized.

What do you mean "he apologized, " Mom?

He begged me.

He got down on his knees and he begged me.

Well, Mom, you told me that you had a hysterectomy and that he ran off with your nurse.

She could've been a nurse.

What do you mean, could've been a nurse?

She had white shoes.

So does Grandma! You know, so does Shaquille O'Neal!

That's good. Well, what's the difference?

Mom, the difference is that for 20 years I've been thinking one thing and now it's turned out to be a whole different thing!

Eddie.

He was no good to me. Don't you remember the way it was?

Don't you remember the way he used to scream at me?

And then no job was ever good enough for him.

"Small potatoes."

"Small potatoes." You remember, Al?

Al?

Mom...

You told me you didn't know Al until after Dad left.

Holy shit.

You and Al were...

And that's why you threw Dad out. There it is!

Oh, finally the truth after 20 goddamn years, Mom?

He had another woman in my bed, Eddie!

And how dare you call him "Dad" in front of Al.

Al is your father.

This is the one who was there for you when you really needed someone. Ow!

You're hurting me.

Oh, Mom.

Don't blame your mother. I was irresistible.

Come on in.

How are you doing?

All right. All right.

You?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I'm fine.

I guess you came up here to check on your inheritance, did you?

Come right over here. You sit right down there.

There you go.

All right. Thank you. Yeah.

Well, this is, uh, quite a shithole, ain't it?

Oh, it could be, if you fixed it up.

Jeanette, you better take a look at this.

Coming.

Oh, boy.

You know, it is really nice of you to come up here.

You know, a million times I wanted to see you kids, but, um, well I mean, your mom, she told me to stay away.

And I had to respect her wishes.

Can I ask you something? Anything.

What happened, Pop? I mean...

How'd you end up like this?

Well, you know, life is funny, that's all.

I mean, I can't tell you how many times if just one little thing that I needed would've happened...

Well, everything would've changed. I'll tell you that.

But, I don't make excuses.

And I don't hold grudges.

You and me, we had some good times together, though, didn't we? Huh?

Remember the time that we drove down to Houston for the weekend and we saw the Astros and the Dodgers play?

We stayed in a motel, it was just you and me.

And you hopped from bed to bed.

Hell, I remember that just like it was yesterday.

I remember everything you said and everything you did.

That was Ray, Pop. Hmm?

You took Ray to Houston.

It wasn't me. I had to stay home with Mom and Marcia.

That's right. Ray.

Ray was the older one.

Still is.

Yeah.

Well...

Isn't that something?

Damn the mind!

You know, I gotta go, Pop.

I got a thing across town I gotta get to.

Sure, son. Sure. Sure.

You know what? All right. Listen.

This is my pop. All right?

And if there's anybody out there that can help him out I don't know, get him a job or something.

I drove a limo for a while.

I'll help you out. All right? I'll mention your business on the air...

I don't have a valid license, Ed.

We'll figure something out. All right?

All right. Ed.

Yeah.

I am truly sorry.

That's good, Pop. Sorry's good.


As soon as we're perpendicular to Earth, I'll start the engines again.

What about the disk?

Oh, God. All right, all right.

Hi. Hi.

They're not here. How's that?

Well, I snuck out.

Do you want to take a drive?

Sure. Okay.

Now, Pop's hustling me for a job.

I mean, it's like my entire family, Shari.

It's like they're from their own little galaxy.

Ed.

Every family's crazy.

Yeah, but... No, I mean, if it was my family on TV...

Oh, my God! I'd just have to kill myself!

How about us? We're doing all right, aren't we?

I saw that girl come on to you at The Tonight Show.

What girl? That model.

Oh, wait a minute. Shari, that was nothing.

I mean, look it, I was leaving, she needed a ride to the airport, so I offered her a ride.

Wait a minute. Hey. Hey.

I want you.

Shari, I don't want anybody else.

Really?

Yeah.

It's you I want.


Bro! Breasts!

Huh? Where?

Come on! Ed, help!

Come on, guys. Don't.

Come on!

She left?

Yeah. She asked for a transfer to another city, and she left.

I mean, someone put her breasts on the Internet.

Oh, Christ! She couldn't take it anymore.

We have people living in our hallway, going through our trash, reporters.

So, she...

Not even good-bye? Nothing?

Boy, you know...

I mean, when it starts to go wrong, there's, like, nothing you can do to stop it.

You know, because, Rita, I don't think I could've tried any harder.

I don't.

Do you?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

You see? You see?

You see that?

Hi, Ed.

- Oh, honey, hi. What are you doing?

I know this might seem a little unusual.

How'd you get in my apartment?

Well, I had to be a little stealthy about the whole thing.

What is she holding?

Ed's underwear.

Get out of my house. I can explain everything...

Keep my underwear!

I love you, and I want to marry you, Ed.

See? Now, that's television. Huh?

All right. Now what? Where do we go from here?

Didn't we order lunch like an hour ago?

Yes, Chinese. Good. Good.

So, now, what do we have Ed do next? Come on, springboards, ideas.

Notions! Cynthia?

We could help him find Shari. No, no, no.

Enough of her. I hate her, audiences hate her.

Let's just bury her and move on.

Tell him I'll call him back.

Excuse me. Do you know who the audience is requesting a lot of is that girl Jill that he met on The Tonight Show. She really scored.

Well, let's get her. Let's make this happen.

What are we cocking around here for?

Cynthia, do something. Get on the phone.

Is lunch literally coming from China? I don't understand it.

Remember when you were interviewing me and you asked me if I had a dream?

And I said, "Well, sure I got a dream.

"I just don't know what it is yet."

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, great line. Try to work that into the show.

What if Shari's the dream?

Now, come on, Ed.

You're beating yourself up for nothing. You knew her history.

When the going gets tough, Shari gets going.

As far away as possible. She's...

She's one of those I'll-dump-you-before- you-dump-me chicks.

Yeah, but what if we could get UPS to tell us where they sent her?

You know? And then I could go visit her, and, hell, we could even move the show there for a while.

Ed, if you want this thing to work with her, the best thing you can do right now is to give her some space.

Maybe even, uh, see other people.

Whoa, whoa!

What do you mean? Like, right away, Cynthia? No.

No, no, I... Ed, you're a star.

But, you know, celebrities like you, Tom Cruise or whoever, you have a responsibility.

I don't think your fans are gonna be too thrilled sitting around watching you have a major case of the mopeys.

They've got 200 channels to choose from.

And it's not like you're giving up Shari.

My sister was going with a guy.

They hit a little rough spot, started seeing other people, they got back together.

Last month they had their third child, for what it's worth.

Twenty-two! Thirty-two!

Hey, two, stay with the quarterback. One, you got the iso on Ed.

He breaks to the inside. I think he's got a step on him!

Hey, Shecky, you lost the feed.

Ed! Hey, Ed! Get up! You lost the feed!

Hey, Jill.

Oh, Eddie, what are you doing to me? Look alive!

You guys go ahead. I'll be back, sometime.

Ed, where you going? Let's get the game going!

No, it's not. It's a set-up.

It's a set-up.

I'm gonna ask Cynthia.

Come on, it's such a set-up.

Did you arrange this?

Whose dog is that?

- Out for a walk. Walking your dog?

That's your dog. - What's your dog's name?

Um, Ginger.

Nielsen looks pretty good on TV, huh? Yeah.

Hey, man. Way to go, Ed!

Picture's worth $1,000.

That's delicious.

Smile, baby!

Do you really think she likes him?

She doesn't give a crap about him.

You want us to kiss? Ed.

He should be a model or something.

He's gorgeous.

Hey, listen. Should we, um...

Oh! Oh, jeez!

It's, uh...

Listen, Jill, it's getting kind of late. I mean...

Is he kidding?

What are you doing tomorrow night?

Tomorrow night. I got a...

I got a thing... No, that's not tomorrow night.

Well, listen.

Why don't you come around here and, um, I can make you dinner, and maybe you could bring a video and...

Well, you know, we can make a night of it. Hmm?

Hmm.

Stay behind the barricade.

Go, go, go.

Holy shit!

I'm starting to feel a little pressure.

Think he's gonna do it? Hell, yeah.

The guy hasn't had sex in six weeks. What, like we have?

Yeah.

We'll park your car for you, Ed. Save your strength.


Get out of the way.

Ed, Ed, Ed.

Hi. Hi.

Jill! Jill!

Come on in.

Oh, wow.

Look at you! Thanks.

Those boobs are so fake.

She's such a slut. Total slut.

Big, big crowd tonight.

I know. They've been there for hours.

Ed? Yeah.

Do you want to come have a little nibble?

What...

Oh.

Yeah. Sure.

Hey!

Here, baby.

I thought you had a dog.

Huh? Oh.

No, that was a friend's. I've just got lovely Isabella.

Hey, baby.

Yes. Good girl. Come on. Down you go.

Good girl.

Wow!

Good?

Mmm-hmm.

Uh, Mr. President?

I love her!

Get out of the way! I love her! I love her!


Wow!

Hot damn! We are go for sex, people.

I love this show, bro.

Is this okay, Cynthia?

Don't leave yet. This is cable. I want you to stay with him.

Oh, my.

What's he doing?

Ed, are you okay?

Something broke my fall.

Oh!

Oh!

Please, let me through.

Is it bad? Please, is it bad?

I think she just broke her leg.

Excuse me. My back's a little sore, all right? I didn't break it.

I can walk. We're just taking you in for an X-ray.

The thing got, what, the highest ratings of the year.

Higher than the Super Bowl.

That's kind of the same thing, isn't it?

A big build-up, and then one team just can't perform.

And all that boy did was hurt that little girl's pussy.

I'm talking about her cat. I'm talking about the cat.

If Ed had been a star, if he had really, kind of, given a terrific performance that night, you know, the American people would've loved him, but he failed us.

He basically failed us. He failed us as a man.

Look at this.

She did not. She did not break my heart.

All right, look, I understand that I'm fair game, but just tell it like it is.

She was a hot-looking chick. I get that, man, but I knew the score.

"Broke my heart."

You know what Jill did?

Jill went out to LA and got one of those scandal agents that handle, like, Joey Buttafuoco, Kato Kaelin and Gennifer Flowers.

Oh, my God, he wrote a book.

He never even read a book, man.

What's your feeling about the meaning, if any, of Ed TV?

Well, Harry, I feel that Ed is the apotheosis of a prevailing American syndrome.

It used to be that people were famous for being special.

Now they're considered special, merely for being famous.

You see that fame has become a moral good in this country. It's its own virtue.

All right.

We thought since we have Ray Pekurny on the panel today, we'll talk about his book.

It is called My Brother Pissed On Me.

Is that a metaphorical title, or did your brother actually piss on you?

I put everything in the book. Everything.

All this is in the book.

I'll be honest, I have not read the book, because it looks stupid.

Um...

What?

I'm just saying that maybe we should start thinking about when we want to take him off the air.

Why? What are you talking about "take him off the air"?

He just got out of the hospital.

He's fine. The cat's fine.

The ratings are higher than ever.

Well, you know. It's like when you're chewing gum and blowing a bubble.

Oh, good, a metaphor. Right.

And the bubble keeps getting bigger and bigger and you've got to decide.

When do you suck it in? Or, if you don't, it explodes and then you've got gum face.

Cynthia.

I started out as an associate producer on Good Morning, Fresno.

And I didn't get from there to here by worrying about getting gum in my face.

All I'm saying is I think we've peaked.

And all I'm saying is, you don't know your ass from a toboggan.

We're gonna stay with the boy for another month.

And you know how I know I'm right?

Because I'm driving the big car, and you're driving the little car.

Ed, you put anybody on television 16 hours a day, at some point they're gonna wind up rolling off a table and squashing a cat.

No, man, that's not my point.

All right, look.

With no privacy, there is no dignity.

Capisce?

Nice.

- Hello? Eddie?

Eddie?

Mom?

Eddie, I'm in the hospital.

All right. What... Mom. Mom, what happened?

Eddie, it's Dad.

He's dead. He had a heart attack.

Did I tell you he was gonna die? Did I say? Huh? Huh? Come on.

Excuse me. Excuse me. I'm looking for my mother. My name's Ed Pekurny.

Mr. Pekurny? I'm Dr. Geller. Yeah?

Hi.

Your mother's just lying down for a minute.

We gave her something to calm her down.

Okay. Good. Thank you. Can I see her?

Why don't you just give her a minute? She'll be right out.

Why don't you sit over here for a second?

What happened to him? Did he...

Did he suffer any, or was it quick?

It was very quick.

Between you and me, it's not a bad way to go.

How's that?

Making love to your wife.

It's very sweet.

They were making love when he had a heart attack?

According to your mother.

Eddie, thank God you're here.

How's your mother? Al!

What's going on? Thought he was dead.

How'd you get here?

The neighbors drove me over. The worst goddamn driver.

What are you doing here?

Where's Jeanette?

I thought you said he was dead?

Who? Al!

No, no. No, the deceased is Henry Pekurny.

Good twist.

This is beautiful. I love this! What?

Don't you get it? No.

The mother was shtupping the ex-husband.

You thought it was me?

Well, yeah. Al.

It was your father, Hank.

Your mother went to see him, and he suddenly dropped dead of a heart attack.

Dr. Geller, Dr. Stack wants to see you.

Oh. Excuse me.

Could I have your autograph? It's for my niece.

Al. How did you...

The Burkharts drove me over.

Are you all right? I'm fine. I...

Good. I gotta pee.

Wish me luck.

Hey.

Mom.

All right. What happened, Mom?

Oh, Eddie, it was horrible.

He called me up. Who?

Hank.

He said he wanted to talk to me.

He wanted to apologize for everything.

And I went over to this horrible place where he was staying, and I...

I just felt so sorry for him.

So you had sex with him?

What?

The doctor told me you were having sex. He told me.

To you in front of them? Yeah, Mom.

He assumed Hank was your husband. You know, common sense.

My God! On TV! Mom, why? How?

One thing led to another.

He was my husband once. But, Al is your husband now.

You think it's been easy for me all these years?

Al can't have sex!

Apparently, neither can Hank, Mom.

Let's recap this whole thing, all right?

The mother's too good at it, right?

Both brothers stink at it.

The stepfather can't do it at all.

And the father did it, but it killed him.

How the hell did this family reproduce?

How did they even get here?

This is worse than all the daily tabloid television that exists.

Isn't the appeal of this show now, that everybody's got a skeleton in their closet?

Yeah, but how many skeletons can one family have?

No, I think our country is saying, "We've had enough of this."

Let's get back to the way TV used to be.


How you doing, boy?

How was the service?

It was all right.

His parole officer said some lovely words and...

Once again I was reminded the end is near.

Sorry you couldn't come in, kiddo, but, for some reason, the family feels they're not coming off so well on TV.

You and Mom are gonna work things out, aren't you?

I'm moving out.

No, Al, what do you mean you're moving out?

I'm gonna be living with my brother.

He's not in such good shape as me, but I'm looking forward to the pillow fights.

Hank.

You know, Hank was always good with the ladies.

Always good-looking.

Hell, he's been dead for two days, he still looks better than me.

I want to tell you something, Al.

You know, Hank, he...

You're my father, Al.


Take care of yourself, huh?

You know I will.

I guess, that's when you know the head, it's...

Different.

You have done it! I've had it!

Hey, hey, Crockett. Ease up, man.

Ease up? He just devoured my entire Buddy Holly collection!

What is it with you?

How would you like it if somebody chewed up your personal belongings?

See this blanket? You see this?

Elvis loves this blanket. It's his most favorite thing in the whole...

- Three more months? Yeah, absolutely.

Ed TV's more popular than ever. The resurgence in interest is astounding.

And, of course, this means another big bonus payment for you.

Ed, have you thought about moving in with your mother?

I mean, she's all alone now. I'm sure she could use your support.

You know, we're not as dumb as you people think we are.

I'm taking what little dignity there is left, and I quit.

Can somebody validate my parking here?

Ed, I'm afraid that's not possible.

Okay, Mr. Big Network. I'll pay for it myself.

No, I mean, you can't quit.

The hell I can't. Look it, I just did.

I know, Ed, but you see, you agreed to stay on the air as long as we asked you to.

The station entered into this with that understanding.

Now, if you had refused up front, well, we would have done this with somebody else.

You can't just change the rules in the middle of the game, son.

It's just not fair.

Listen, if you don't let me out of this now, I...

I'm gonna go home, and stick my thumb up my butt, all right?

Sit on my ass and not do a damn thing.

I won't go anywhere.

What kind of show does that sound like?

Uh, not too good.

No, not too good. No, you see, that's why it states very specifically in your contract that if you don't continue to live a normal life...

Well, then you're in breach. See?

And you're liable for all the station's financial losses.


I'll get this.

Autograph, please?


Ed, come on out!

Shari.

Oh, my God.

Move! Excuse me!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Shari!

Shari!

Watch it! Watch it!

Who's got the shot? Come on. Who's got the shot?

Just give it to me. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, he's on the move! Go! Go! Go!

We got him! We got him!

Fire it up. We're rolling.

Keep the microwave high, Shecky.

Come on.

Get up! Get up!

Come on, come on, he's getting away.

Hi. Hi, one, please.

Excuse me.

Hey!

Give me one.

I'm looking for a girl, tall... Bad wig?

Yeah. Theater 3. Your ticket, your ticket.

Oh! Watch it! Watch it!

Shari, are you okay? I'm sorry.

Shari!

Shari?

- Shari? It's not me.

Well, it sounds like you.

Well, it's not. Now, go away.

I thought you moved.

I just came for my brother's birthday.

What, in a disguise?

I wanted to see you, but I didn't want you to see me.

Oh, Shari, listen to me. I know why you left.

Everyone knows why, Ed. I told you why.

No, no, you said it was because of the TV.

But I don't believe that.

I mean, look at us.

You know, we've been with people before, and it didn't work out.

And none of it was on TV, Shari.

None of it.

You and me...

We've been burned.

You know, and we're scared.

And that's why you left.

And that's why,

I didn't do a damn thing to stop you.

Shari?

All right.


Oh!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.


Well...

All right, listen, you stay here.

I'm leaving. These guys are coming with me.

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do, but I'll figure something out so we can be together.

Okay? Okay.

Let's go, guys.

No, Mike. Follow Shari.

Mike, Shecky, come on.

We can't.

Mike, Shecky, I'm leaving. You're supposed to follow me. Let's go.

Give him room.

Hi, Ed. Why the hell are they still following Shari?

Well, it's their new concept since the...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's going on here? Why is my family on TV?

Like I was saying, it's a new concept.

See, since Shari and your family all signed releases, we're allowed to follow them on camera even though you're not with them.

So, you see, we go with whoever's the most exciting.

See, and right now, look.

You see, it's you, see, and...

Oh, uh...

Me.

You can't do this.

I'm not a lawyer.

I'm just a guy who eats three meals a day in this truck.

You got to get them off the air. This is not part of the deal.

I don't give a goddamn. Make the call, man.

Make the call. Get 'em off.

Look, Ed, you know, this is...

I'll get 'em off. Hey! Hey!

Ed! Ed!

Ed, come on! Ed, if you break the truck...

If you break the truck, they'll charge you for it.

They'll have a new one here in 15 minutes.

Ten.

Come on, Ed. This is crazy.

Hey, hey.

They got you, man.

Just go home.

Go home, Gomer!

Ed, this is crazy. Come on.

You know what?

They're right.

This is a great idea.

My family is interesting.

I mean, hell, look at 'em.

But everybody's interesting, right?

I bet you that wacky little group that owns this network, that I had the meeting with.

I bet they're pretty goddamn interesting, too, don't you think?

Huh?

I'll bet they are.

Oh, yeah, I bet they are. I'll bet you $10,000 they are.

Yeah.

I ought to loosen up a little bit, shouldn't I?

Let's have a little fun with this thing.

All right, let's really blow it out. Let's have a contest.

Who can dig up the most embarrassing and humiliating information on any of the executives of the NorthWest Broadcast Company, which owns this station, True TV.

'Cause after all, why should anyone have any privacy, right?

So I want anything.

Anything from their past, their present, business, personal, you name it.

Man, if it's dirty and it's true, we want it.

Whoever brings the sleaziest and most degrading material to me, I'm gonna pay you

$10,000.

Yeah!

I love this guy!

And tonight at 9:00, I'll announce the big winner, all right?

Now, you're gonna need my home number, all right?

Call me any time, all right?

And if you get in right now, I'm gonna throw in a little bonus.

You're gonna get a free book by author Ray Pekurny, entitled My Brother Pissed On Me.

All right, America. Come on, baby. Let's start digging.

This is ridiculous. How can this be legal?

It's illusion. It's slander.

Not technically.

Because he is not showing a reckless disregard for the truth.

Oh, come on! What are you saying?

At 9:00 he can say whatever he wants about us?

That is ridiculous. There has got to be some way we can shut this hillbilly up.

Hey, I've got an idea. What?

Let's not shut him up.

Let's get him to push it to Sunday when the audience is bigger, promote it for the next five days, I mean, really hype it because it's a ratings grabber.

Which is all that counts, really, so run with it.

You were right, I was wrong.

See, Ed TV is going to be bigger than ever.

Cynthia, another word and you may consider yourself fired.

Uh-oh.

Can you give me a hint? What word? Um... Asshole?

Shithead? Would that... Is that one word or two, though?

I never can remember that.

Shithead. Anyway, listen.

It has been a real pleasure working for you. I have loved it.

Loved it, loved it, loved it.

Loved it.

So, you're saying, he didn't tip you? Well, maybe you're not hot.

Yeah. Uh...

Look, I gotta go. My brother's here.

Look, we gotta settle this.

All right, man.

They're gonna fight.

Maybe they'll kill each other. That's at least an ending.

Okay, settled. Yeah, great.

That's it? What was that?

Some brotherly...

Southern brotherly thing.

Here you go. You weren't gonna swing. Were you ready to swing?

I was ready to throw it there.

Hey, you know, good thing I was here.

You got all kinds of calls.

This is not good. This is not a good thing.

Would 40 of these kill me?

What if we compromised?

Asked him to stay on two more weeks and then kick him off.

Ah, phone. All right, here we go.

Hello.

Is this Ed? Yes, it is. Who's this?

I've got some information for you.

It's better than anything you've got.

Okay, I'm here.

I got this from one of the secretaries that works at the network.

Got a little blitzed at the Christmas party.

Listen carefully. I'm only gonna say this once, 'cause talking this way is really hurting my throat.

Can anyone see what he's writing?

"Duck"?

Did anybody do anything with a duck?

Jesus, I'd hate to be stuck in a foxhole with this group.

There's not a full-grown pair of testicles among you.

Uh, sir, I...

Hey, look, whatever little embarrassments he comes up with, we'll spin it.

This guy is gonna stay on TV until he dies.

Relax!

Okay. Yes. I got it. Thank you.

Well? I think we've got a winner.

Rayford?

All right, 9:00 yet?

Er, 9:01.

9:01, 9:01, got it.

Okay.

I don't know how many of you out there are paying attention right now but for those of you who are, I think we just got the winner. Whoo!

Okay, how many of you know what a penile implant is?

Well, as it's explained to me, what happens is, you get two cylinders, one, two and they are inserted into the shaft.

Now, to get an erection, what this man does is, he squeezes this pump, and it forces a fluid that goes in the cylinders into the shaft.

And voilà, you've got your stiffie.

You're good to go. So, who's this lucky guy?

I mean, who is this True TV executive who can now get his Johnson to head north anytime he wants?

Well, I'm gonna tell you who the lucky man is now.

Tell us, brother!

All right then.

Here we go.

The man of the hour is Mr...

Whoo!

True TV regrets to inform our audience that due to circumstances beyond our control Ed TV will no longer be presented.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Who's the guy with the phony...

What do they expect us to do now?

Look...

I don't know who he was talking about.

I don't even know whether or not it was true.

But he was about to name one of you, and I'll be damned if I'll have one of my people humiliated on public...

I mean, not that there's anything to be embarrassed about, I mean, if it's true.

The point is, it's a normal medical...

What the hell are you looking at, you redheaded putz?

Pack it up and go on home now. Leave me in peace.

Don't come back now, you hear?

Well...

Back to infomercials.

Hey, I'm on TV! Look at me!

Yeah, right here! Hi, Mom!

So Ed is no longer on TV. Sam, how did he make out?

Ed made out like a bandit.

A spokesperson for True TV announced that Ed received a check covering his four months on the air, his balloon payment, and an additional bonus to show the network's appreciation for all his quote, "Hard work and loyalty." Unquote.

When asked exactly what happened, a True TV spokesperson said they had no official comment, but that things had been worked out.

Okay, let's do a final...

Perhaps say good-bye here to Ed TV.

Have we seen the last of Ed, do you think?

I would think so.

In five years, no one will remember who he is.

Five years? Six months. He's a Macarena.

It's Ed-free TV now.