Election (1999) Script

Hey, Mr. McAllister.

Not wasting any time, are you, Tracy?

You know what they say about the early bird.

Yeah, I do.

Good luck there, Tracy.

Thanks, Mr. M. I'll see you in class.

Yup, mm-hmm.

Tracy: None of this would've happened if Mr. McAllister hadn't meddled the way he did.

He should've just accepted things as they are, instead of trying to interfere with destiny.

You see, you can't interfere with destiny.

That's why it's destiny.

And if you try to interfere, the same thing's just gonna happen anyway, and you'll just suffer.

Jim: It's hard to remember how the whole thing started, the whole election mess.

What I do remember is that I loved my job.

I was a teacher, an educator, and I couldn't imagine doing anything else.

Boy: Mr. McAllister.

Mr. M!

Quit daydreaming. Get back to work.

Jim: The students knew it wasn't just a job for me.

I got involved.

Put down the cards, boys!

This game is over!

Jim: And I cared.

Come on, Wolverines!

Defense! Let's go!

Jim: And I think I made a difference.

I knew I touched the students' lives during their difficult young adult years.

And I took that responsibility seriously.

In the 12 years I taught U.S. history, civics, and current events at Carver, I was voted Teacher of the Year 3 times.

A school record.

Teaching was all I'd ever wanted to do.

Standing in front of a roomful of young people, trying to get them excited about the world, trying to make them think, preparing them for the tough moral and ethical decisions that they'd face as adults, that's how I wanted to spend my life.

So is this a moral situation or an ethical situation?

What's the difference between morals and ethics anyway?

Anybody?

Derek.

Yeah. Ethics is like when you do what society tells you is right to do.

And morals...

Yeah, yeah, you're on the right track.

Can anybody help him out?

Michelle.

Morals are like... lessons.

You know, like the moral of a story.

It's what you learn from a story or a fable.

Or a life experience. Good.

And ethics?

Um, ethics is how you use the morals that you learn from the story?

Yeah, OK, but I think we're missing something key here.

What are we missing?

Tracy.

Ethics are rules of conduct...

Jim: Tracy Flick.

Tracy Flick.

I'd seen a lot of ambitious students come and go over the years, but Tracy Flick, she was a special case.

Tracy: Some people say I'm an overachiever, but I think they're just jealous.

My mom always tells me I'm different.

You know, special.

And if you look at all the things I've accomplished so far, I think you'd have to agree.

Here I am as Hodel in Fiddler On The Roof.

# Matchmaker, matchmaker, I'll bring the veil #

#You bring the groom #

Tracy: And here I am on KCHS, our student-run TV station.

The littering must stop.

Tracy Flick reporting.

Tracy: But it was in the S.G.A., the Student Government Association, where I made my biggest mark.

I never missed a single meeting.

And I volunteered for every committee, as long as I could lead it.

I agree with Ashley!

I think we should rent the barrels ahead of time because what happened last time was a travesty.

It was ridiculous, and I think it really reflected poorly on all of us.

Jim: Now Tracy Flick was poised to win the presidency of the student body.

And so far, she was running unopposed.

Determined by a culture at a certain time in history.

Jim: Oh, there's one more thing about Tracy I think you should know.

Her pussy gets so wet you can't believe it.

[Softly] Don't tell me that.

Don't tell me that. I don't want to know that.

Jim: A few months before the election, she'd gotten herself in a little trouble with my best friend Dave Novotny.

# Foxy #

Jim: Dave came to Carver the year after I did, and we hit it off right away.

Dave was one of those guys who taught because they never wanted to leave high school in the first place.

But basically, he was a good guy.

Our wives became best friends, too.

And when Dave and Linda's son Darryl was born, they asked us to be his godparents.

Tracy: You probably think the worst, that Mr. Novotny was taking horrible advantage of one of his students.

But it wasn't like that at all.

Our relationship was based on mutual respect and admiration.

I mean, during my sophomore year in geometry, it was strictly professional between us.

I mean, nothing.

It wasn't until junior year when we worked together on the yearbook that things got kind of serious.

One night he took us editors out to celebrate after a deadline.

Eventually, Dave and I were left alone, and we got to talking.

Not like teacher and student, but like 2 adults.

You know, Tracy, I notice that you don't seem to have any close friends at Carver.

You seem to be kind of a loner.

No, I'm not. I'm just real busy.

Oh, no. I know, I know it's not by choice.

I just mean that, that, well... being the kind of person you are, it must be really difficult for you to find somebody you could talk to.

What do you mean?

What kind of person am I?

Tracy, you know, I've been watching you for going on...

3 years now, and I think you are one of the most talented, hard-working, sensitive, attractive, brilliant students l...

No.

Human beings I have ever met.

Thank you.

And I know that sometimes people like you have to pay a price for their greatness.

And that price is loneliness.

I don't know. maybe I'm wrong, but... it just seems to me like you might need a friend.

Tracy: Since I grew up without a dad, you might assume, psychologically, I was looking for a father figure.

But that had nothing to do with it at all.

It was just that Dave was so strong, and he made me feel so safe and protected.

It was the first time somebody ever saw the real me, the me that nobody else knows.

OK, here. Get down. Get down.

#You're once #

#Twice #

#Three times a lady #

#And I love you #

#Yes, you're once #

#Twice #

#Three times a lady #

[Slurp]

#And I love you #

[Gulp]

# I love #

#You #

Tracy: When I think back on my relationship with Mr. Novotny, what I miss most is our talks.

You did it in your house?

In your own house?

OK, I know it seems crazy, but...

Jim, what I'm trying to tell you is that...

Tracy and I... are totally, totally... in love.

In love? Yeah.

It's serious.

She inspires me in ways that Linda never has.

She even wants to read my novel.

But you haven't written your novel.

That's the whole point! l... I've got the whole thing right here!

I just need to get it out there.

And Tracy wants me to write it so she can read it.

It's beautiful.

Dave...

I'm just saying this as your friend.

What you're doing is really, really wrong, and you've gotta stop.

The line you've crossed is...

It's immoral, and it's illegal.

Jim, come on.

I don't need a lecture on ethics.

I'm not talking about ethics.

I'm talking about morals.

What's the difference?

Jim: I guess I don't have to tell you how this all turned out.

[Clears Throat]

Tracy's mom... she doesn't understand.

No. I'd say she doesn't.

Fact is, I have never seen a mother so upset.

[Sighs]

All right. I know what Tracy told her mother, what her mother told me.

I need to hear this from you because I have a legal responsibility here.

Let me ask you this.

Did you cross the line with this girl?

I di...

W-We...

We're in love.

Linda: Your novel?!

Are you fucking kidding me?

Linda...

Jim: After Dave got fired, Linda kicked him out of the house and filed for divorce.

He ended up moving back to Milwaukee to live with his parents.

He's lucky he's not in jail.

Linda!

And ethics are the basis of...

[Class Bell Rings]

OK. We'll pick up here next time.

Would it be possible for me to retake the test we took yesterday?

The test yesterday? You wanna retake it?

Yeah. I had to work the night before, and I didn't have enough time to study.

Oh, yeah?

Tracy: Now that I have more life experience, I feel sorry for Mr. McAllister.

I mean, anyone who's stuck in the same little room, wearing the same stupid clothes, same exact same things year after year for his whole life, while his students go on to good colleges and move to big cities and do great things and make loads of money, he's gotta be at least a little jealous.

I noticed it was a little low for you.

Tracy: It's like my mom says:

The weak are always trying to sabotage the strong.

One thing that's important to know about me is that I'm an only child, so my mom is really devoted to me.

And I love her so much.

She wants me to do all the things that she wanted to do in life but couldn't.

Mom used to be a stewardess for Northwest, and now she works as a paralegal.

She likes to write letters to successful women like Elizabeth Dole and Connie Chung and ask them how they got to be where they are and what advice do they have for me, Tracy, her daughter.

9 times out of 10, they say you have to hold onto your dreams no matter what.

The pressures women face mean you have to work twice as hard, and you can't let anything or anyone stand in your way.

Hey! Hey!

One per person! Put those back!

Eat me.

Tracy: But you know, winning isn't everything.

Win or lose, ethical conduct is the most important thing.

Just ask Mr. McAllister.

Mr. McAllister!

Mr. McAllister, wait up!

Mr. McAllister, don't go!

I got all my signatures.

There's 158, way more than I need.

Hey, that's super.

Here they are.

Oh, you can just put them in my box, and I'll take a look at them tomorrow.

Could you approve them now because I'd really like to kick off my campaign right away, you know, in the morning.

Right.

Yeah, yeah. Those look good to me.

Aren't you supposed to keep them?

No. That's fine.

I thought you were supposed to keep them.

Yeah, right, fine, OK.

Thanks for everything.

You bet.

I can't wait to start campaigning.

What's that?

I can't wait to start campaigning.

Oh. Well, it should be easy for you.

So far, no competition.

Yeah, but you know, Coca-Cola's by far the world's number one soft drink, and they spend more money than anybody on advertising.

I guess that's how come they stay number one.

Yeah.

OK. Well, good luck there, Tracy.

You know, Mr. M... when I win the presidency, that means you and I are gonna be spending a lot of time together, and I for one would really like that time to be... harmonious and productive.

Wouldn't you?

Sure.

OK.

That's what I thought. I was just checking.

Yeah. Good luck there, Tracy.

OK.

Jim: I don't blame Tracy for what happened with Dave.

How could I?

Dave was an adult, more than twice her age.

Sure, she got on my nerves once in a while, but I admired Tracy. I really did.

Thank God for Diane. She was my best friend.

My source of love and strength.

Oh, sure, we'd had our share of bumpy times, but we'd always seen them through.

After 9 years of marriage, we were closer than ever.

Anything wrong?

No. No.

Just, you know, school.

Tracy: When I win the presidency, we're gonna be spending a lot of time together.

Lots and lots and lots of time.

President and advisor.

Harmonious and productive.

Close and special.

You... and I.


Woman: Hey, P.J.

Man: What are you doing here in the boys' locker room?

I've come to see the star quarterback before the big game.

But what if Coach Henderson walks in?

Oh, that's OK. I took care of him.

So, uh, what you reading?

I'm just reviewing my playbook.

I have a play we can practice.

You be quarterback.

I'll be tight end.

[Coughs]

[Woman Grunting]

Tracy: You know, Coca-Cola is by far the world's number one soft drink.

Paul.

Aah!

Aah! Aaahhh!

Aah!

Paul: I was so mad at God when I broke my leg at Shadow Ridge over Christmas break.

Why?!

The doctors told me I'd have to quit sports for at least a couple of years, if not forever, which meant no first-string quarterback in the fall.

It was like the end of my life.

When I got back to school, everybody was so supportive, and they all wanted to sign my cast and everything, but I still couldn't shake the feeling that now my life had no purpose.

What did God want from me?

Why did I exist?

Sometimes you can search everywhere for answers.

Then one day, destiny just walks up and taps you on the shoulder.

I know because it happened to me.

Jim: Paul, can I speak to you for a minute?

Paul: Mr. McAllister changed my life.

And no matter what they say he did or did not do, I believe he is a good man.

Paul, I know you've been pretty down since your accident.

Yeah. I wanted to play football again so bad I could taste it, and maybe go on to the playoffs and...

I know.

I understand disappointment.

I really do.

Yeah.

Now, I personally think you have a very bright future ahead of you.

And I'm not talking about the fleeting glory of sports.

What do you mean?

Let me give you a clue.

You're a natural-born leader.

You're one of the most popular students at Carver.

You're honest, you're straightforward, and you don't crack under pressure, as we all saw in an amazing fourth quarter against Westside.

All the kids look up to you.

Now, what does that spell?

Student... council... president.

Who, me?

Oh, no. I...

I don't know anything about that stuff, Mr. M.

I mean, besides, that's Tracy Flick's thing.

She's always working so hard.

Yeah. She's a real go-getter, all right.

And she's super nice.

Yeah, yeah, but one person assured of victory kind of undermines the whole idea of democracy, don't you think?

But, Mr. M...

I mean, that'd be more like a dictatorship like we studied.

But, Mr. M, there's...

Paul, what's your favorite fruit?

Pears.

Pears. Good. OK.

Let's say...

Oh, no, wait.

Apples.

Apples.

Fine.

Let's say all you ever knew were apples.

Apples, apples, more apples.

You might think apples were pretty good, even if you got a rotten one once in a while.

But then one day... there's an orange.

And now you can make a decision.

Do you want an apple or do you want an orange?

That's democracy.

I also like bananas.

[Class Bell Rings]

Exactly. Good.

So what do you say?

Maybe it's time to give a little something back.

How's that?

I think that's...

No. Just a little higher. A little higher.

Is this OK?

Eric, you can't put tape on the outside of the poster.

It goes on the back of the poster.

You better just take the whole thing down and redo it.

#Aaah-a-a-aaaah #

Who put you up to this?

Oh, hi, Tracy.

Who put you up to this?

What do you mean?

You just woke up this morning and suddenly decided to run for president?

No. Um, no, I just thought that, uh...

Thought what?

Well, I was talking to Mr. McAllister about my leg and how I still want to do something for the school and...

So Mr. McAllister asked you to run.

Well, um, I talked to him and everything, but he just said that he thought it would be a good idea and how there's all different kinds of fruits and, uh...

It's nothing against you, Tracy.

I mean, you're the best.

Uh, I just thought, uh...

OK.

You're on, Mr. Popular.

Tracy: You might think it upset me that Paul Metzler had decided to run against me, but nothing could be further from the truth.

He was no competition for me.

It was like apples and oranges.

[Loud Stamping]

I had to work a little harder, that's all.

You see, I believe in the voters.

They understand that elections aren't just popularity contests.

[Clunk]

They know this country was built by people just like me who work very hard and don't have everything handed to them on a silver spoon.

Not like some rich kids who everybody likes because their fathers own Metzler Cement and give them trucks on their 16th birthday and throw them big parties all the time.

No. They don't ever have to work for anything.

They think they can just, all of a sudden, one day out of the blue waltz right in with no qualifications whatsoever and try to take away what other people have worked for very, very hard their entire lives!

No!

Didn't bother me at all!

[Stereo Playing Rock Music]

Paul.

Paul power.

Paul...

Paul for president.

Paul for president.

Promise.

Progress.

Peanut.

#There's a place I know #

#Where you can look down #

#The air makes you feel light #

#The air makes you feel right #

What?

I told you. I can't.

It just doesn't feel right anymore.

But I love you.

I said no.

[Knock On Door]

Hey, Tammy, guess what happened today.

Don't you fucking knock?

Yeah. Oh, hi, Lisa.

Get out, Paul!

Listen. So Mr. McAllister, he calls me in, and he tells me...

I gotta go.

You dumb shit!

What'd I do?

Tammy: It's not like I'm a lesbian or anything.

I'm attracted to the person.

It's just that all the people I've ever been attracted to happen to be girls.

Lisa, wait!

Stop!

What?

Where you going?

I'm not like you, OK?

What do you mean?

I'm not a dyke.

And we're not in love.

We were just... experimenting.

[Engine Starts]

Tammy: How can something that seemed so true turn out to be such a lie?

Lisa and I were destined to be together.

Of all the people in the planet who had ever lived, somehow we'd found each other.

It was like a miracle.

We had so much fun together, like the time we ate a bunch of asparagus to see how long it takes before your pee smells funny.

[Ding]

It was very scientific.

For me, it was 11 minutes.

For her, it was 17.

Every day I found a new way to tell Lisa how much I loved her.

"If you died right now, I would throw myself under one of my dad's cement trucks and get poured into your tomb. "

But it just seemed like the closer we got, the more she pulled away.

Are you crazy?

What?

These are private. These are for us.

So?

But other people can see them, too.

I don't care.

Well, I do.

Tammy: What did I do to make her change?

What's wrong with me?

Sometimes when I'm sad, I sit and watch the power station.

They say if you lie between 2 of the main wires, your body just evaporates.

You become a gas.

I wonder what that would feel like.

I don't know why, but Lisa decided she wanted to hurt me.

And she knew exactly what to do.

Paul: I sure was surprised the day Lisa Flanagan asked me for a ride home and ended up blowing me.

I've wanted this for so long.

I mean, life is so weird.

First, Lisa has a big fight with my sister, and the next thing you know, she's my girlfriend.

Since Lisa knew all about public relations and stuff, she offered to help me with my campaign.

We made a great team.

It seemed so natural, the two of us together.

It was like a miracle.

My leg wasn't bugging me too much and the weather was so nice.

And every day after school Lisa and I would go to her house to fuck and have a hot tub.

Tammy: If that's the way they wanted it, then that's the way it was gonna be.

But I wasn't going down without a fight.

[Jingling]

Paul: Tammy?

Tammy, what are you doing?

You're the advisor. You should stop her.

She's not qualified. She's just a sophomore.

Did you know that?

Calm down, Tracy. Just calm down.

We can't both run, can we?

I mean, we're brother and sister.

Can we?

It's a conflict of interest, and Paul was first.

Anybody who gets signatures in on time can run, and she got in just under the wire.

These are a bunch of burnouts.

And what's this one? It's illegible.

I can't even read that.

That's Tim... Cobsa.

She's doing this to get back at me.

For what?

I mean, at you.

For what?

Tim Cobsa?

Tim Cobsa? Who's he? I've never even heard of him.

Look, why don't we just forget about Tammy?

We'll have the assembly tomorrow.

Everybody can make their speeches, and I'm sure everything's gonna be just fine.

Jim: Hey! Whee!

Diane: Jim, don't. You're scaring him.

Nah. He likes it.

Not that much.

Jim: Around that time, Diane and I were hanging out a lot at Linda Novotny's house, giving her our love and support and helping her make it through a difficult time.

[Baby Crying]

Diane really wanted to have kids, and so did I, but it seemed like there was always a reason to wait:

She had to finish nursing school, I had to get my master's, we needed a new house, we needed more money.

Finally, we just decided to go for it.

You gonna do it?

You gonna do it?

Jim: And for over a year, we hadn't had any luck.

Come on. Do it. Do it.

Fill me up. Come on.

Fill me up.

Fill me up.

[Groaning]

OK.

Good job.

Linda: Say, Jim?

[Baby Cries]

Jim, can you get this?

I can't.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Just put it on the table.

All right.

[Pop]

Jim: Without Dave around, Linda needed a lot of help around the house.

Where do you want it, here?

No.

More this way.

Here?

Uh, yeah. That's good.

Jim: I had always liked Linda, but we'd never had a chance to spend any time alone together.

Oughta warm you up a little bit.

Now with Dave out of the picture, I began to see what an incredibly sensitive and giving person she was.

We got to be kind of like buddies.

I even took her to the mall one time while her car was in the shop.

What do you think?

You look great.

I can't afford this stuff right now.

Ah, come on. You've had a hard year.

You're cooped up all the time with the kid.

Let go. Live a little.

You sure?

Yeah.

So what do you think?

Should we get a room?

Should we get a what?

That's not funny.

[Music Soundtrack Slows To A Halt]

[Door Slams]

How'd it go?

Fine.

You know... just went to Westerly's.

Did you guys have fun?

Um... yeah.

No, I mean... you know.

What?

Well, Linda's great, but she can be a little bit much sometimes.

Yeah.

Oh, God. Oh, just like that.

Yeah.

Fill me up.

Fill me up.

Oh... yeah.

Fill me up.

Oh, God.

Just like that.

Oh, yeah.

Fill me up.

Diane: God. Oh, God!

Oh, God. Just like that.

Do it, Jim. Fuck me.

Do it, Jim.

Just like that.

Do it, Jim. Fill me up.

Just like that. Do it, Mr. M.

Do it. Fuck me, Mr. M. Fuck me!

Fuck me hard, Mr. McAllister.

Harder! Harder!

Fuck me, Mr. McAllister. Fuck me hard!

Harder! Fuck me! Please!

Jim: So like I was saying, things were going pretty well in my life.

That is, until things started going all haywire with that damn election.

Boy, Haltingly: I love Carver High.

And I will be a dedicated vice president.

A vote forJerry Slavin is a vote for good government.

And even if I can't really stand up for you, I will.

[Laughter]

Thank you.

[Applause]

Thank you, Jerry.

Thank you and good luck.

Again, Jerry is running unopposed for vice president.

So, we'll move on now to the presidential race with 3 candidates running.

The first, in alphabetical order, is Tracy Flick.

Tracy?

Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better."

With this election, we here at Carver also have an opportunity to make our high school days better.

During this campaign, I've spoken with many of you about your many concerns.

I spoke with Eliza Ramirez, a freshman who said she feels alienated from her own home room.

I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks who said his mother works in the cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes.

Eat me!

Eat me raw!

[Laughter]

All right, now.

Hey, if you can't be adults and give these candidates the courtesy they deserve, then you don't deserve to be called adults but children because that's what children are, and you'll be treated like children.

So let's all listen up, huh?

Tracy: I care about Carver, and I care about each and every one of you.

And together, we can all make a difference.

When you cast your vote for Tracy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me.

You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student here at Carver.

Our days might not be any longer, but they can sure be better.

Thank you.

[Applause]

The... The next candidate for student body president is Paul Metzler.

Paul?

[Raucous Cheering]

Woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof!

Whoo! Hey, Paul!

Paul!

[Girls Screaming]

[Monotone] "As many of you know, I broke my leg pretty bad this year, and the experience has made me reevaluate what I want to do with my life, and that is help people.

When you think about it, a school is more than a school.

It's our second home, where we spend all our time and grow as individuals in the community.

But is our school everything it could be?

I want our school to reach its true potential.

That's why I'm running for president.

I know what it is to fight hard and win, like when we almost went to State last fall and I threw the fourth quarter pass against Westside for the touchdown that won the game by 3 points.

I won't let you down like I didn't then, and I promise we can all score a winning touchdown together.

Vote Paul Metzler for president.

Thank you."

[Silence]

[Applause]

OK, Paul.

The final candidate for student council president is another one of the Metzler clan, sophomore Tammy Metzler.

Tammy.

[Light Applause]

[Boy Retches]

[Laughter]

[Hissing And Whistling]

[Jeering]

[Booing]

Ha ha ha ha!

People! People!

[Murmuring]

Who cares about this stupid election?

[Murmuring, Jeering Stop]

We all know it doesn't matter who gets elected president of Carver.

Do you really think it's gonna change anything around here, make one single person smarter or happier or nicer?

The only person it does matter to is the one who gets elected.

The same pathetic charade happens every year, and everyone makes the same pathetic promises just so they could put it on their transcripts to get into college.

So vote for me because I don't even wanna go to college, and I don't care.

And as president, I won't do anything.

The only promise I will make is that, if elected, I will immediately dismantle the student government so that none of us will ever have to sit through one of these stupid assemblies again!

[Loud Cheering]

Whoo!

Yeah!

Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy! Tammy!

Tammy! Tammy!

Or don't vote for me! Who cares?!

Don't vote at all!

[Cheering]

Close the door.

I tell you, that little bitch made a fool out of us.

I want her out of this election.

I mean, getting everybody all riled up like that.

She is washed up, you understand me?

She's finished.

Well, we can't throw her out of the election just because we don't like her speech.

That's not what student government is about.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Look, all I know is she's a troublemaker, she's on my list.

All we need to do is send a message.

So maybe, uh, we should just suspend her.

That's it. 3 days, she's suspended for 3 days.

Tammy: Being suspended is like getting a paid vacation.

Why do they think it's a punishment?

It's like your dog pees on the carpet and you give him a treat.

Then you get in trouble for skipping school.

It's so stupid.

Hendricks told me, "One more time" and I'd be expelled. Sounded good to me.

[Whistle Blows]

[Bell Tolls]


Oh, hi, Tammy.

What do you want?

Well, I went to all your teachers and got your assignments for you. l... I just thought, you know, last time you got suspended you fell so far behind, and I just didn't want to see that happen again.

Thanks, Paul. Thanks a lot.

Sure. You bet.

Now could you leave me alone?

Oh, yeah. Um, Tammy, there's just one other thing.

You know all this election stuff, 'cause everybody's saying it's really weird that you're running against me and everything, and it is kind of weird.

You haven't really told me why you're doing it and you didn't tell me in advance, but that's OK. I respect your privacy, it's just... I want you to know that no matter who wins, you or me, there's no hard feelings.

We're still brother and sister, OK, even though you're adopted, 'cause I hope you feel the same.

Tracy: What happened at the speeches was an unconscionable travesty.

That little bitch Tammy Metzler wanted to make a fool out of me.

Well, it wasn't gonna work.

If all those students who cheered for Tammy Metzler only knew how hard I worked for Carver, like all the late nights I spend at the yearbook office just to give them their stinking memories.

One of my duties was to clean up the group photos.

It was a cinch with our new software.

People are so ungrateful.


#Ahh-a-a-aah, aaah-a-a-aaah #

[Rock Music Playing]

Aaagh! Aaagh!

Aaagh!

[Panting]


[Tires Screech]


[Engine Starting]

Jim: The day before the election was when things started to get really complicated.

There's your culprit.

Linda had asked me to stop by on my way to school to help her out with a little plumbing problem.

Did you know Dave's a bed-wetter?

No. No, l... I didn't know that.

All his life. He's tried everything.

Is that still running clear?

Yeah.

Better let it run for a while.

OK.

Oh, wait.

Here. This one's clean.

I guess you better get to work, huh?

You're gonna be late.

Yeah.

[Whispering] Thank you, Jim.

Jim: It was something that just happened.

Neither of us expected it.

Neither of us planned it.

But once we started, we knew there was no turning back.

It was a miracle.

Oh, Jim.

Hey, take me to that motel, like you wanted.

Now?

Um, come by after school.

I'll leave Darryl with a sitter.

Oh. 3:25.

OK, 3:25.

[Engine Starts]

Jim: What had blossomed between Linda and me was too real, too powerful to deny.

For the first time in years, I felt free and alive.

Woman: Hiya, Jim.

[Speaking In Italian]


It's not fair, it's just not fair.

I just don't think somebody would do something like that on purpose.

It must be some sort of mistake, like a maintenance thing.

Jim, where the hell have you been?

Nowhere. l... I don't have any classes till second period.

Well, I tried you at home, and we've got a situation here.

If Paul loses this election tomorrow, there has to be another one with posters.

Somebody tore down their posters.

Those posters cost us a lot of money, and there's no time to make any more.

All right, we'll get to the bottom of it.

We still have some extra ones, don't we?

Maybe we could just use those.

It was Tammy.

That's who it was.

Oh, no. Hey, like I said, she just wouldn't do something like that.

Well, that speech that she gave, you know, it was pretty...

It was out there.

But we'll get to the bottom of it.

I want you two to go back, I want you to focus on your studies.

Mr. McAllister will handle the whole thing.

Right, Jim?

What's that? Oh, yeah. Sure, yeah, you bet.

Tracy.

Tracy, come on in.

Close the door behind you.

Have a seat.

I guess you know why you're here.

If it's about the posters, I think it's awful.

I think it's a travesty.

Travesty, huh?

Well, that's interesting, because I think you did it.

What?

Are you accusing me?

You're not serious.

Mr. McAllister, we've worked together on the S.G.A. for 3 solid years.

Besides, my own best banner was torn down.

Did I do that, too?

Were you or were you not working in the Looking Glass Office over the weekend?

I was. So? Mr. Paterno let me in.

As you know, with my many responsibilities, I often have to come in on the weekend.

And I have permission to do so.

But I left very early, around 6:30.

6:30. 6:30?

How do you know what time the posters were torn down?

I don't. I just know that they were there when I left.

I'm giving you helpful information, that's all.

You know, instead of wasting your time interrogating me, we should be out there trying to figure out who did this.

OK, Tracy.

Who do you think did it?

Whom should we interrogate?

Well, I don't know.

You know, it could have been anybody.

There's a lot of subversive elements here at Carver, like Rick Thiessen or Kevin Speck and those burnouts.

Or what about Tammy Metzler?

I mean, her whole thing is being anti-this and anti-that.

Tracy, you're a very intelligent girl.

You have a lot of admirable qualities.

But one day maybe you'll learn that being smart and doing whatever you need to do to get ahead and, yes, stepping on other people to get there, well, there's a whole lot more to life than that.

And, in the end, you're only cheating yourself.

Why are you lecturing me?

This isn't the time or the place to get into it.

But there is, for just one example, a certain former colleague of mine who made a very big mistake, a life mistake.

Now, I think the lesson here is that, old or young, we all make mistakes.

And we have to learn that our actions, all of them, can carry serious consequences.

Mm-hmm. I don't know what you're referring to, but maybe if certain older, wiser people hadn't acted like such little babies and gotten so mushy, then everything would be OK.

I agree, and I also think that certain young and naive people need to thank their lucky stars and be very, very grateful the entire school didn't find out about certain indiscretions that could've ruined their reputations and their chances to win certain elections.

And I think certain older people, like you and your colleague, shouldn't be letching after their students, especially when some of them can't even get their own wives pregnant, and they certainly shouldn't be making slanderous accusations, especially when certain young, naive people's mothers are paralegal secretaries at the city's biggest law firm and have won many successful lawsuits.

And if you want to keep questioning me like this, I won't continue without my attorney present.

[Knock On Door]

You wanted to see me, Mr. McAllister?

Just wait outside, Tammy.

OK, but is this about the posters?

Possibly. Please, just wait outside.

OK, because I know who did it.

So, I'll just be outside.

Don't go anywhere, Tracy.

Tammy, come on in here.

This ought to be good.

So, what do you have to tell me, Tammy?

Well, this is hard for me, but I think it's important to be honest, don't you?

Yeah. What is it, Tammy?

I did it. I'm the one who tore down Paul's posters.

I did it.

When did you do it?

I don't know... Yesterday, Sunday.

How'd you get into the school?

Door was open.

Which door?

I don't know. All I know is I did it.

Well, I don't believe you.

I have proof.

#Aaah-a-a-aaah #

#Aaah-a-a-aaaah #

#Aaah-a-a-a-aaaah #

Tracy?

Yes?

Looks like today's your lucky day.

You're off the hook.

Tammy here has confessed.

I told you.

I told you.

You're gonna pay for my poster!

OK, easy, now, now, quit while you're ahead, will you, Tracy? Just run along.

Back to class.

Jim: The rest of the day was unbearable.

I kept smelling Linda on my clothes and my fingers, and I just couldn't wait to get out of there.

I wanted everything to be perfect that afternoon at the motel.

So I decided to give myself a little time to prepare during eighth period.

Pop quiz, everybody.

[Class Groans]

Put your stuff away. Come on, no whining.

If you've done your reading, this should be an easy one.

Jim: I'd have exactly 48 minutes to make all the arrangements.

If you finish early, just sit quietly and check your work. I'll be right back.


[Tires Screech]

OK, everybody. Pass 'em forward.

Stephanie, put your pen down. Stop.

[Bell Rings]

All right, see you all on Wednesday.

Don't forget to vote tomorrow.


[Doorbell Rings]

[Whistles]

[Doorbell Rings]

Linda.

Linda.

Linda!

Linda!

Linda.

[Bee Buzzes]

Ow!

Ow. Jesus.

Oh, fuck.

Linda On Machine: Hi. You've reached the Novotnys.

We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon.

Have a nice day. [Beep]

Hey, Linda, it's me.

Are you there? Pick up.

Um, OK, well, it's, uh, it's 4:32, and, uh, I came by at 3:25, like we said, and, uh, I waited there, but, um, you weren't there, so, so now I'm at... at the place that we talked about, suite 246, and I'm here. Everything's all set, so, uh, hope you get here soon.

OK. Bye-bye.

I don't get it. I just don't get it.

What you have against your mother and me, against your brother Paul, is completely beyond me.

Your mother's extremely upset, she's at the end of her rope.

Your behavior keeps getting crazier and crazier and wilder and wilder.

Who knows what the hell else you're doing out there that we don't even know about.

We just had a long conversation with Walt Hendricks.

Just got off the phone with him at his home.

You know he doesn't want you back at Carver.

He's fed up with you. Fed up, and I don't blame him.

Dick, Dick. What?

Tammy, your father and I have been talking, and we've come to a decision that we...

You're going to Immaculate Heart.

That's where you belong.

Maybe the nuns will be able to straighten you out.

Is that funny? You think it's funny?


[Baby Coughing]

[Cooing]

[Soft Crying]


OK.


Tracy: Dear Lord Jesus, I do not often speak with You and ask for things, but now I really must insist that You help me win the election tomorrow, because I deserve it and Paul Metzler doesn't, as You well know.

I realize that it was Your divine hand that disqualified Tammy Metzler, and now I'm asking that You go that one last mile and make sure to put me in office where I belong so that I may carry out Your will on Earth as it is in heaven. Amen.

Tammy: Dear God, I know I don't believe in You, but since I'll be starting Catholic school soon, I thought I should at least practice.

Let's see, what do I want?

I want Lisa to realize what a bitch she is and feel really bad and apologize for how she hurt me and know how much I still love her.

In spite of everything, I still want Paul to win the election tomorrow, not that cunt Tracy. Oh, and I also want a really expensive pair of leather pants, and someday I want to be really good friends with Madonna. Love, Tammy.

Paul: Dear God, thank You for all Your blessings.

You've given me so many things, like good health, nice parents, a nice truck, and what I'm told is a large penis, and I'm very grateful.

But I sure am worried about Tammy.

In my heart I still can't believe she tore down my posters, but sometimes she does get so weird and angry.

Please help her be a happier person because she's so smart and sensitive and I love her so much.

Also, I'm nervous about the election tomorrow and I guess I want to win and all, but I know that's totally up to You.

You'll decide who the best person is and I'll accept it, and forgive me for my sins, whatever they may be. Amen.

Jim: Linda never came home that night.

I know, because I spent 10 hours waiting outside her house.

[Groaning]

Oh, God.


Tracy: On election day, my mom and I got up really early, and together we customized 480 cupcakes.

Good morning, Mr. M.

Looks like you could use a cupcake.

Hey, what happened to your eye?

Are you OK?

"Mr. McAllister, Mr. McAllister, somebody tore down my posters.

It's not fair, it's not fair.

Can I have an 'A'? Can I have a recommendation?

Can I, can I?"

Fuck them.

[Ring]

Linda On Machine: Hi. You've reached the Novotnys.

We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon.

Have a nice day. [Beep]

Why did you do that? I trusted you completely.

And you ruined my life, do you know that?

Do you realize that? Huh? Do you?

You ruined Diane's life... You ruined my life, is that what you wanted?

I'm sorry... I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm going nuts here, and I really think we should talk.

It's Jim. I love you.

Attention, everyone.

We have an important announcement from our principal, Dr. Hendricks.

[Coughs]

Good morning, students.

It, uh, behooves me to inform you of an important change in today's election.

Effective this morning sophomore Tammy Metzler has been... Metzler has been determined ineligible, I repeat, ineligible for S.G.A. president.

All other candidates are eligible.

You may, uh, vote for any of those, but not Tammy Metzler.

Tracy: When the time came to cast our votes, I stood in line just like everyone else.

Hi, Tracy.

Tracy Enid Flick.

I know.

Thank you.

Ready, Phil?

Phil: Yeah, ready.

Thanks, Phil.

Oh, hey, Tracy.

Hi, Paul.

Isn't this exciting?

Mm-hmm.

Well, good luck.

Thanks, Paul. You, too.

Oh, thanks!

Paul: It's so weird.

Do people always just vote for themselves?

'Cause looking at my own name on the ballot I just... I don't know, I just felt like it's not right to vote for yourself.

[Door Opens]

Ok, Mr. M.

All right. So... let's start counting.

OK, well, as the election committee chairman, I'll do the first count.

And then you can do the second count, you know, for the 2 independent counts.

Fine. So do your count.

Start with president, and I'll be right back.

You have the key, Mr. McAllister.

Right.

Are you OK, Mr. McAllister?

Yeah. What happened to your eye?

I'm fine! It's just a bee sting.

A simple little everyday bee sting.

Some people can get stung, it's no big deal.

Me... I swell up.

There's not much time left until eighth period.

I have other things going on, too, you know.

Yeah. OK. We know.

All right. I'll be right back.

Answering Machine: Hi. You've reached the Novotnys.

We're not around, but we'll call you back real soon.

Have a nice day.

[Beep]

Uh, it's me again.

I'm sorry for all the messages, but, uh...

Linda, if I could just hear your voice.

If you'd only acknowledge that l...

[Phone Is Picked Up]

Linda: What do you want, Jim?

You're there.

Yeah, I'm here.

Linda, I love you.

[Linda Sighs]

Don't say that. You know it's not true.

It's the only true thing I know anymore.

We made a mistake. Let's not make it worse.

A mistake? That was no mistake!

I was lonely. You took advantage.

Me?! I took advantage of you?

You hugged me! You kissed me! You're the one who...

[Linda Hangs Up]

Hey, Mr. M, big day, huh?

Not now, Paul.

What have you got?

Well, I'm not supposed to tell.

Not until you've counted, too.

We're each supposed to make an independent count.

You're kidding, right?

Well, I thought those were the rules, Mr. McAllister.

If they've changed in any way, I can...

Larry, we're not electing the fucking pope here.

Just tell me who won.

It's a squeaker, Mr. M.

I've got Tracy by a vote.

Just one vote.

Mr. M?

All right.

OK.

Well, guess I better do my count.


Yay!

Yay!

Yay!

Jim: I was at the end of my count when it happened.

I'd come up with exactly the same numbers as Larry:

256 to 257.

Tracy had won the election by a single vote.

[Sighs]

I was about to announce my tally when...

the sight ofTracy at that moment affected me in a way I can't fully explain.

Part of it was that she was spying.

But mostly it was her face.

Who knew how high she would climb in life?

How many people would suffer because of her?

I had to stop her... now.


[Coughs]

Larry?

Yeah?

I think we have a problem.

253, 254, and 255.

Yep, I get the same as you, Jim.

Looks like Paul's our next president.

Larry: No way! l-l-It doesn't make sense.

Well, sorry, Larry, but my figures work out exactly the same as Mr. McAllister's.

I get, uh, 256 for Paul, 255 for Tracy.

And 290 disregards, right?

If you say so.

Mostly Tammy fans, if you can believe it.

See? It doesn't add up.

There were 801 ballots, but 803 people voted.

Well, there must be 2 votes missing.

Check the register.

He's right. 2 people must have pocketed their ballots.

Usually there's more.

But they were there. I counted 803 votes.

It happens, Larry. People make mistakes.

I didn't make a mistake.

Every vote was there when you sat down.

Easy, Falch. I don't like where you're going.

I'm sorry, Dr. Hendricks, but every vote was accounted for.

Falch, that's enough.

End of story.

[Trumpet Fanfare]

Paul?

I just want to let you know that no matter what happens and how this turns out, you've run a really great campaign.

Good luck.

Well, thanks, Tracy. You, too.

I'm just glad it's over.

Jim: If we can just get started.

People. People.

As soon as the winners are announced, we can all go home, OK?

Some contests are... are so well-fought that it seems unfair for someone to win...

[Thinks] Act surprised. Walk slowly to the podium.

Be modest. Thank them for this incredible honor.

They're all highly qualified and embody the, uh, integrity that we expect from the school leadership.

That said, the whole point of an election is to chose a winner, and that you have done.

We'll begin with president.

I'd just like to add that this was an extraordinarily close race.

It is my pleasure to announce the next president of George Washington Carver High School...

Paul Metzler.

[Cheers And Applause]

Jeez, you guys, thanks.

Wow! Thanks.

I promise to do my best and do a really good job and be a good president.

I just want to thank, uh, Lisa Flanagan for being a super campaign manager.

I'd also like to say...

[Inaudible]


It's Mr. M.

Yes, over there. Yeah, come on.

Paul: Wow, Mr. M. This is so wild.

We were just here, uh, you know, celebrating my victory, and you're here.

This is incredible. This is great.

Well, these are my parents.

Hi, Dick Metzler.

Jim McAllister.

Jo Metzler. How do you do?

Paul just thinks the world of you.

I mean, you should hear him.

He goes on and on and on.

Yeah, apparently you've really come behind him, really helped him out with that student council thing and all.

Oh, well... well, Paul doesn't need any help from me.

He's... He's going places. You should be very proud.

Jo: Oh, we are.

Hey, look, you're all alone.

Why don't you come over and join us?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, come on.

Oh, I'm just finishing up here.

I've gotta get home.

Oh, well, uh, why don't you guys go sit down, and, uh... you know, I'll catch up with you in a minute.

I'm going to talk to Mr. M about some important stuff, all right?

Dick: All right. That sounds great.

Hey, sure nice to meet you. Great to meet you.

Pleasure. So nice, and thank you.

Jim: You bet.

So, Mr. M, I was starting to think about, you know, some ideas for what we could do.

I was thinking it would be cool to have a carnival.

You know, with rides and stuff.

And it could be for, like, muscular dystrophy.

And then on Halloween, a haunted house.

You know, a really good haunted house, not those cheesy bad ones.

You know, I mean, this one would be super-scary.

And then for homecoming, well, you know how last year's theme was "Heaven On Earth"? Well, this year...

Paul, we'll have plenty of time to talk about this later.

A whole year, in fact.

But right now, I'd just...

I need to finish my pie, go on home.

Yeah, OK. Sorry.

Uh, Mr. M, just one more thing.

So, uh, do you think Tracy's gonna be OK?

I mean, I saw her face after the assembly.

It looked like she was taking it pretty hard.

Don't worry about Tracy.

She'll be fine.

Oh, sweetheart.

Oh, baby. Baby.

Oh, baby.

Take one of my pills.

You'll feel better.

Here.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Lie down. Lie down.

That's a good girl. Lie down.

Good girl.

That's... That's it.

That's it, baby.

That's it, honey.

Maybe you needed more posters, honey.

Or if you'd just taken my suggestions about your speech.

I don't know.

We'll figure it out.

Diane. l... I made a mistake and I...

Did you want the same room?

Yeah, OK.

[Coins Drop]


# It's a beautiful day #

Jim: The next day, I woke up resolved to get my life back on track.

The way I saw it, Diane's kicking me out of the house had been a good thing, a wake-up call.

It wasn't a setback. It was an opportunity.

I figured we just needed a little time to work things out.

The election was behind me, and the worst was over.

After all, what harm had really been done?

Nobody was dead.

Jim? [Whistles] Jim?!

Yeah.

Walt wants to see you.

OK, thanks.

You r... rang?

Mr. McAllister, I hope you can help us clear something up.


- [Woman] ¿ Yo? Pierdo.

- ¿ Tu? Pierdes.

¿EI, ella, usted?

Pierde.

¿Nosotros?

Pierdemos.

Gracias.

Teacher: Señor Presidente.

Quieren verte en la oficina.

Huh?

[Knock On Door]

Dr. Hendricks?

Uh, come on in, son. We have something... hard we have to tell you.

Is it about Tammy?

It's about the election.

Jim: After Paul got the bad news, Walt asked for a few minutes alone with me.

It was very simple, really.

I offered my resignation, and he accepted.

Very quietly, it was all over forJim McAllister at Carver High.

Suddenly everyone knew who I was... that corrupt teacher who had tried to crush the dreams of an innocent girl.

Overnight, all the good things I had ever done in my life evaporated.

Soon the wire services picked up on the story.

It was the kind of absurd news item people E-mail each other or post on the bulletin board at work.

To top it all off, Diane had started divorce proceedings.

She was completely unforgiving about the thing with Linda.

In the end, she took almost everything, including the house.

I got the car.

Then one day, I realized it was time to get out of Omaha and move on.

Paul: Senior year was great.

Sure, I didn't get to play ball or be president, but I got elected homecoming king and prom king.

I got into Nebraska, like I wanted, and early rushed Phi Delts.

And at the end of the year, me and my buddies threw a bitchin' Mexican party down at the cement plant.

Shit, that was a good party.

The only really bad thing about senior year was Lisa.

Right before Christmas, she dumped me.

One minute, she's totally in love with me, and then boom, she goes after my football buddy Randy.

Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I had actually won the election.

Maybe my whole life would be different.

Like I might never have gone to Yosemite with Greg and Travis.

Or maybe I'd be dead.

#Alleluia #

Tammy: Catholic school was great.

I mean, the teachers kind of sucked, and they were supposedly way more strict.

But you could get away with murder.

The best thing about Immaculate Heart was meeting Jennifer.

#JenniferJuniper #

# Lives up on the hill #

#JenniferJuniper #

# Sitting very still #

# Is she sleeping #

Tammy: Jennifer and I are soul mates and we're never, ever, ever going to be apart.

#JenniferJuniper #

Order! Order. Order!

Tracy: Senior year was very productive for me.

Let's vote on this issue.

On top of a very successful student council year, I was in the top seventh percentile of my graduating class.

Opposed?

And I got into Georgetown, like I wanted, with scholarships.

Approved.

But sometimes I got lonely, and I'd think about Dave.

I missed our talks.

Maybe it could have worked out between us.

I don't know.

I wonder what he's doing now.

Maybe he finally finished his novel.

But you know, even with all my myriad accomplishments and bright future, somehow I just didn't feel the way you're supposed to feel.

Everybody else seemed so happy, planning big parties and signing each other's yearbooks.

Hardly anybody signed mine.

You'd think as student body president, I'd be the one surrounded by friends.

But it wasn't like that at all.

Man: Brittany Blake Fillmore.

Tracy: As far as Mr. McAllister was concerned, you might be surprised, but I hardly thought about him at all anymore.

Besides, nobody had heard from him in a long time.

It was almost like he'd never existed in the first place.

Man: Tracy Enid Flick.

Tracy: When I got to Georgetown, I thought I'd finally be among people who were like me.

You know, smarter, more ambitious people.

I was sure that finally I'd make some true friends.

[All Talking At Once]

Excuse me!

Would you please be quiet?!

Tracy: It wasn't like that at all.

A lot of them were just spoiled little rich kids who didn't know how lucky they had it.

That's OK. I've come to accept that very few people are truly destined to be special, and we're solo fliers.

I guess it really is like Dave said, "If you're gonna be great, you've got to be lonely."

[Loud Talking]

Jim: What happens to a man when he loses everything?

Everything he's worked for.

Everything he believes in.

Driven from his home, cast out of society, how can he survive?

Where can he go?

Right this way.

Jim: New York City.

For centuries, people have come to New York seeking refuge from their troubled lives.

Now I am one of them.

Besides, I'd always dreamed of living in New York.

All that excitement and culture.

Living in the city brings surprises all the time.

Once in a while, I even bump into former students of mine from Carver.

Oh, sure, my apartment's a little smaller than what I was used to back in Omaha, and the rent's pretty darn steep, but it's got a lot of character.

And I'm cozy enough.

Besides, it's great not needing a car.

And I get a lot of reading done on the subway.

Some days I even walk to work.

The job market is pretty tight in New York, but after hunting around for a while, I finally landed a position in the education department at the Museum of Natural History.

That's right. I'm teaching again.

When a school brings its students to the museum on a field trip, there's a staff of both volunteer docents and trained educators like myself... who pick up where the classwork leaves off.

And I've started seeing someone new.

Her name is Jillian.

She works at the museum, too, in Signs and Signage.

She's really different from Diane, and, I don't know, I've never met anyone quite like her.

She just got out of a long relationship, too, so we're trying to take it slow.

You might ask if I ever saw Tracy Flick again.

Well, I did.

Just once.

I was down in Washington for a museum educator's conference, and I stayed an extra day to do some sightseeing.

After an inspiring morning on the Mall, I was on my way to the Holocaust Museum when...


I'll never know if she saw me.

Probably not.

But in that moment, all the bad memories, all the things I'd ever wanted to say to her, it all came flooding back.

My first impulse was to run over there, pound on her window, and demand that she admit she tore down those posters and lied and cheated her way into winning that election.

But, instead, I just stood there.

And I suddenly realized I wasn't angry at her anymore.

I just felt sorry for her.

I mean, when I think about my new life and all the exciting things I'm doing, and then I think about what her life must be like... probably still getting up at 5:00 in the morning to pursue her pathetic little dreams... it just makes me sad.

I mean where is she really trying to get to anyway?

What is she doing in that limo?

Who the fuck does she think she is?!

[Tires Screech]

Man: Hey, you! Hey!

You asshole!

Jim: But that's all ancient history now.

I've got a whole new life.

I mean, that's what's great about America.

You can always start over.

So would that make this an igneous rock or a sedimentary rock?

What's the difference between igneous and sedimentary anyway?

Jim: Anybody?

# I want to know how love began #

# I want to go to school again #

# If you'll be #

#The teacher #

# Long before the school bells chime #

# I'll be there ahead of time #

#Just to see my teacher #

# Start right from the first of it #

# Don't miss a thing #

# I want to get #

#All the facts, then I'll know what to do #

#When we graduate, I'll hold you tight #

#Then you'll know you taught me right #

#Teacher, teacher, I'm in love with you #

# If you'll be #

#The teacher #

# If you'll be #

#The teacher #

# Start right from the first of it #

# Don't miss a thing #

# I want to get #

#All the facts, then I'll know what to do #

#When we graduate, I'll hold you tight #

#Then you'll know you taught me right #

#Teacher, teacher #

# I'm in love with you #