Elizabethtown (2005) Script

Welcome back, boys.

As somebody once said... there's a difference between a failure... and a fiasco.

Watch your head.

I'm fine.

A failure is simply the non-presence of success.

Any fool can accomplish failure.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

What the hell's he doing here?

But a fiasco...

A fiasco is a disaster of mythic proportions.

A fiasco is a folktale told to others... that makes other people feel more alive... because it didn't happen to them.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'll take you to Phil so you don't get lost.

Mercury Worldwide Shoes, which is actually Phil... contains some of America's finest artists' masterworks... seen only by people heading for very important meetings... a promotion... or otherwise.

"We are not just employees," as Phil once said.

"We are denizens of greatness."

Phil says, "The world is full of those who achieve through negativity...

"or theft.

"We succeed through original thought."

A shoe is not just a shoe.

It connects us to the Earth.

The right shoe can transport us... make us believe we are capable of more.

But there are sacrifices for a goal like pure greatness.

Like birthdays or last Christmas with my family.

...through Christ our Lord. Amen.

Dig in. And no making fun of my cooking.

This must be homemade. Oh, Dad.

Though we sometimes celebrate odd things at Mercury... like the day the Italians invented rubber.

Which they didn't, of course. But that's beside the point.

Where exactly is Drew, anyway?

We've contained magic in a shoe!

It was meant to approximate walking on a cloud.

Hey, if you ever need anything around here...

I'm your girl.

Any true student of functional shoe design... is also a student of Phil himself.

He is a master.

And Phil's innate wisdom of what people want and need... has never failed to date.

I'm fine.

He's also obsessed with the number two.

These are Phil's prized two Norman Rockwells.

The pair of paintings that once hung outside the White House office... of John F. Kennedy.

And yes, the two treasured doors...

Phil once purchased from a church on vacation in Tunisia... and had sent back home for a total cost too enormous to mention.



Just two more minutes and I can send you in.

Because we have a moment here... let me tell you that I have recently become a secret connoisseur... of last looks.

You know the way people look at you when they believe it's for the last time?

I've started collecting these looks and...

Okay, he's ready for you.

There's one right now.

How are you, Drew?

I wanted to jump out of the window of that helicopter... and just splatter on the trees, to tell you the truth.

Don't do that.

It's only money.

The American psyche is in turmoil, Drew, and we have miscalculated.

I'm sorry.

I have no rulebook for this situation.

They tell me that we are about to lose 972...

million dollars.

I am... ill-equipped in the philosophies of failure.

Walk with me, Drew.

My basketball team.

They don't even know yet.

My Global Environmental Watchdog project will have to go.

Sweet people.

We could have saved the planet... but...

How do I make the concept of $972,000,000... more real to you?

It's the operating budget of a midsize country... a small civilization.

It's big!

It's so big... you could round it off to a billion dollars.

I cry a lot lately.

The promise of a global future... pinned to a groundbreaking shoe, your design... with a new form of material, launched this week to great fanfare.

And now, meeting a growing international roar of laughter... and rejection.

Enough to cause this memo...

from Jeffrey Barlow, CEO of DCS.

"This once highly-anticipated product...

"may actually cause an entire generation to return to bare feet."

We are about to enter... a free-fall plunge.

And the sound you hear is the sound of shit hitting the fan.


You hear it?

I wish there was something I could do.

Actually, there is.

In a room downstairs is a reporter from Global Business Today.

We need to make him understand... we hired you from our National Scholarship Program.

We supported, invested in your brilliance.

This was a very creative endeavor... and I think you should stand up...

for your incredible work.

You okay?


It's a little bit like knowing the plane's going down before anyone else, isn't it?

When does this run, a week? A week.

Come Sunday evening, it'll be on the stands.

Any last words?

And in that moment, I knew.

I know we hired you at the last minute but...


Success, not greatness... was the only god the entire world served.

Home sweet home.

Eight years. Night and day.

Can you imagine?

An entire life wrapped up in a shoe.


Drew? It's your sister.

I have some really bad news.

Could you call me tomorrow?


Could you call me a little later? - No, honey.

Dad died!

He had a heart attack back in Kentucky.

He was still visiting Uncle Dale.

Mom is in total shock.

You have to handle this.

You're the oldest.

You're the responsible one.

I don't know why he went to Kentucky. I don't know what the attraction was.

He was born there.

They never liked me there. They never have.

Drew will take care of everything.

Honey, you understand I can't go because of the baby.

I'll be back in two days. I'll man the phones.

I'll always be the one that snatched him away from them.

The two sides of this family have never integrated well... so don't expect to make a lot of friends when you go there.

Drew doesn't make friends, Mom. I have friends.

Do you have the blue suit? I have the blue suit.

He loved that silly blue suit.

God only knows if I made him truly happy.

I'll call from Kentucky. I'll be there in the morning.

We have a plan! We have a plan... and you hold your head up high... because don't you forget, you go back there as the most successful man... in the history of this family. Don't let them try anything.

Oh, my God. I have to call people.

I have to clean out the office, I'm a widow!

We'll figure this out, we'll figure this out. Just get Dad home. Hurry.

I was still waiting for everything to start, and now it's over.

I'll bring him home.

Wait, wait! Stay close. Come, come, come.

Now, what was it that Dad always said?

If it wasn't this... It would be something else.

Now, you go. You go and you make him proud.

And you call and tell me what's going on, okay? All right.

I would go to Kentucky... put my father in the blue suit, bring him home... and then get back on that bike.

Nothing would stop the plan.



By flying this flight, you've helped save all our jobs.

Definitely mine. Maybe even the entire airline.

We would like to reward you with a free seat in first class.

I'm fine.

Okay, let me try it like this.

I'm really tired. Please don't make me keep walking... all the way back down here all night long.

Louisville, Kentucky, huh? Home, business, or family?

My dad.

Where does he live in Louisville?

Actually, he's near Louisville.


He's in Elizabethtown.

Oh, good. I hope someone's driving you...

'cause the roads around there are hopelessly and gloriously confusing.

I'll keep that in mind.

I'll draw you a quick map.

I mean, I'm so happy we're sitting here having this conversation... at 3:00 a.m., or whatever time it is.

You know, it's such a great time. Everyone's sleeping but us.

It's really nice to have a conversation with you and that you're really listening.

I feel like I can really talk to you...

So, you want to get to 264, and then you want to not miss 60B.

I'm going to be obnoxious about that.

Bens are strangely delightful and very intuitive.

Complex. Almost too complex to be around.

Do you know any Bens? I know one Ben.

I'm a student of names.

For example, what's your dad's name?


Mitchell. Yeah.

Or Mitch?

Mitchell. Sometimes Mitch.

Son of a Mitch.

And today I was fired by a Phil.

Phil? Phils are dangerous.

Phils are less predictable than Bens.

And your girlfriend is a...


How's that going? Sort of a wait-and-see.

Oh, yeah? But then I waited and I saw.

I was gonna say.

I have never had a good experience with an Ellen or a Phil.

How about with a Mitch? Never met a Mitch I didn't like.

Fun. Full of life, you know? You know what I mean when I say fun?

Like you want to be a part of Mitch's club.

Am I close?


He's okay, right?

Yeah. He's...

He's fine.

You give him a big old hug for me.

I'm Claire, by the way.


Nice. Same to you.


I'll let you sleep. Here's your map.

Let me take this.

I can handle this.

Let go.

I am not asleep.

I'm not.

I won't really be able to sleep.

I won't really be able to sleep.

Okay. Ready to go, Drew?

I'm not asleep.

Blue suit.

Losing the business.


I'm not asleep.

We'll go next year.

Come back.

One billion dollars.

Good morning.

And congratulations, Drew.

You've earned your wings as our ten millionth passenger.

And here is a coupon for any four-diamond hotel... in the greater western Kentucky area.

Better move quickly. Lots of people behind you.

Well, thank you. Absolutely.

And good luck with Ben.

Look, I know I may never see you again... but we are intrepid.

We carry on.


Rental cars around the corner. You'll see the signs.

Bluegrass Parkway turns into exit 60B. Don't forget, 60B.

Okay. Thanks.

You okay to drive?

I'm fine.



Uncle Dale.

I'm in Louisville. Just landed.

I'm on the road.

60B. Yeah.

I have a map.

And I'll be there by 2:00.

I have the blue suit.

Where's 60B?

Shit, man.

Oh, man!

Did I miss 60B?

Did I miss 60B?

Did I miss 60B?

Did I miss 60B?


Elizabethtown! Yes!

Elizabethtown! We're in! Oh, yeah. Okay!

Oh, yeah.




This loss will be met by a hurricane of love.

Charles Dean, meet grown-up Drew Baylor.

Drew, it's good to see you.

Thank you. My condolences.

And here's my dad, your Uncle Dale.

Wonderful to see you again.

Well, Drew, this is Mitch's plot.

And it has been in your family for 272 years.

Now, I've endeavored... to keep this area here clear for your daddy.

We're still discussing that issue. There is a possibility of cremation.

Now, here are some of your daddy's personal things.

The brown wallet.

And here's his ring from West Point.

Now I don't know how y'all feel out there in California... but West Point sure does matter around here.

It matters a lot.

Even though we now live in Oregon.


This is Mitch's boy from California.

One of the California Baylors.

This is Drew.

And just like your daddy was, we are all very excited... about your eight-year triumph with that beautiful shoe.

My condolences to all.

No, sir. I'm not going to let you feel bad 'cause that was from your heart... but let them say condolences to you.

I thought condolences was... It's incoming. It's an incoming phrase.

Did I not capture your daddy?

I don't know what the word is.

It's just a look I never saw before.

What's the word?

Drew, if you just move around a bit...

you will see different aspects.

Go ahead and cry.

What's the word?


The word is whimsical.

Hey... why not?


Turkey hash brown casserole. It's Russ!

Aunt Dora, Aunt Dora.

Aunt Dora, look what I found.

Oh, my God!

Look at Mitch's baby!

You look just like your daddy. And who's been feeding you?

Wait just a minute. I gotta talk to Drew.

We hope you're gonna stay for a while. You're a credit to Etown.

Sorry about your dad.

This is your blood.

And that's Samson, my son. Clearly up to no good.


Uncle Mitch always wanted us to meet. Everybody says we look alike.

Weird, huh? It's like looking in a mirror.

Hi, Drew. I'm Connie. I was your daddy's first girlfriend and...

Hi, Drew, I'm Charlie.

I'm a huge fan of shoes... My son. My son.

...and the work you've done in the shoe business.

We'll talk. Absolutely.

We got memorial plans to discuss.

Your daddy was one of my 10 most favorite people.

Sure did miss him when he went out West.

Drew, I'm E. Russell Marlowe... with the American Legion in Bardstown, Kentucky.

Drew, I want to sign you up with the American Legion... or the Sons of the Legion.

And I got a hat that I want to give you as a souvenir, in honor of your dad...

Bill Banyon's not coming, is he?

Bill Banyon is not coming.

Bad dog! Stop that!

Bad dog!

Samson? What a mess!

So, come on in.

You know, it's not every day I invite good-looking men to my bedroom... but I just wanted you to meet your family... the Baylors and the Conleys.

Let's start with Dickey Conley.

Now, he was an alcoholic. He had a drinking problem.

And he also had three nipples. He had three nipples.

And he was a poet.

How's your mother, Drew, honey? You know...

I really should have a picture of her in here.

And this picture is...

Aunt Dora! Coming!

Lena, just watch over it. Two more minutes! I'm coming!

This was the last picture taken of your daddy.

This was just three days ago, Drew.

He was the most loving man.

Dora! Coming!

Honey, you stay as long as you need to.


My God!

Oh, man. Was he driving that?

Samson, you all right, boy?

You all right? You all right?

Oh, my God!

Where the hell's his father? That's what I want to know.

What happened?

Hey, who taught you how to drive? What the hell do you mean?

What do you mean? You gotta keep your eye on him!


Y'all obviously made a group decision not to call and invite me.

Hi! Bill Banyon. How are you? Good to see you.

Bill Banyon. How are you? Good to see you.

I hear Drew Baylor's here, is that right? Hi, Connie, how are you?

I'm fine.

Is this Samson? It is. This is Samson.

Come here, Samson! How you doing? Give me a big boy hug!

I'm so sorry.

I should just go over to the kitchen. Good to see you. Cute kid.

Drew, can I have your autograph, please?

Of course.

Where can I find an original model of Adidas SL 72s?

That boy is looking for rules from you!

Blame me, everybody does.

You can't be a kid and raise a kid.

Dad, I'm taking this moment to tell you that I'm untraditional.

When we celebrate the life of Mitch, we're gonna do it with no tears... we're gonna do it with excitement, and I'll take care of everything.

All right. Hear, hear.

We know what's up, and it's shoes. We're so much alike!

I teach him things that everybody should know.

I teach him about Abraham Lincoln and Ronnie Van Zant... because in my house, they are both of equal importance.

You don't get what I'm saying.

You can't be buddies with your own son.

Beautiful night. Does it ever cool off?

No, this time of year, it's hotter than the hinges of hell.

We got stars, though.

Gotta say I'm surprised your mom didn't make it.

Yeah, she's pretty broken up.

She sends her love to everybody, though.

Yeah. I don't blame her.

Around here, their favorite thing to do is to get offended by something small... and hold on to it for 50 years.

Of course, you and your dad were close.

Very close. And I knew him very, very well.

He was my dad.

We were actually going to drive here together this year.

Then it became next year and no.

I knew him very well. Very, very well.

Very well.

Yeah, I don't know my dad very well, either.

That was my band.

This was the show we opened for Lynyrd fucking Skynyrd.

Two of the original members. Cool.


Keep going.

Keep going.

Right below the reggae tribute. Look at that.


Well, we almost opened for them.

It's a really long story. We never played, and we never played since.

And now you fix computers.

All those postcards I sent to Birmingham All the way from those windows of Amsterdam Copped a gram from Dapper Sam Just a four letter man in another jam Oh yeah

Welcome to the Louisville Brown Hotel. How long will you be staying with us?

Two nights.

That coupon I have not seen.

You with the Hasboro Wedding? Chuck and Cindy?

I'm leaving Friday.


Put it on my company card. Let it rip.

We're not married yet.

Hey, Rebecca.

Don't change the schedule or Cindy will freak out!

She's been planning this for a year.

Don't forget, there's a rehearsal dinner in...

Chuck and Cindy.

"Lovin' life."

Heather? Pick up, sis. I'm exhausted.

I'm at the Brown Hotel in Louisville. Call me on the cell.

Hey, Mom, are you there?

Ellen. Hey, it's Drew. Are you there?

Call me back.

Somebody call me back.

That's what happens to a man when he lets a woman take over, George!

You listen hard, laughing boy.

Did you bring the stuff?

No, Blinky, no!

Here's a knife that you'll really like. This is my chef's knife.

These knives are really razor sharp!

Claire Colburn. It's Drew Baylor.

You don't have to call me back. It's...

It's all good.

What am I saying? I don't even say, "It's all good."

Good night.


You have to come home.

Mom has decided that she wants to learn to cook.

Oh, no.

I'll be home soon.

Have you cried yet?

A little.

When it happens, it's gonna be for days.

You should come home. She's out of control.

Wait a second. I'll be right back.

Please come home. Hello?

Great to hear from you. I didn't expect for you to call.

Then again, I did leave a few thousand numbers.

It's Claire Colburn. American Airlines.

Claire. Can I call you right back? I'll hold.


Hello. Please come home.

I want to learn to cook, I want to learn to laugh... and I want to tap dance.

It will be my salvation.

She won't stop moving, Drew!

Heather, we need a decision here.

What's your opinion on the whole burial issue?

Because there's a lot of people here with big opinions!

And there's a problem with the blue suit that I can't put my finger on...

Wait, wait, wait.

How you doing, Mom?

Great. I'm great. We are gonna make it!

Hello. Drew, it's Ellen. You called me?


Ellen? Ellen, thank you for calling me back!

I'm so happy you called.

Could you just hold on one second?

Hello? You need to come home, Drew.

I'll be right back. Hello?


Ellen, I called you about that silly goodbye.

Could you hold on for just one second?

Yeah, but I'm actually on my way out to dinner.

Just hold a second.

Can we... I'm just in the middle of...

See, I've gotta... Ellen.

Just call me later, okay? Don't go.



Hello, stranger. Claire, hold on.

Here's what's great about the Nashville airport.

I just wanted to call you and thank you.

So, you know, goodbye, thank you and...

I'll hold. Okay.


Cremated, don't you agree?

Heather, they really love him here.

They're not buying cremation. They don't even acknowledge the word.

But I need to call you right back.

Is there anything more important than the conversation we're having?

I will call you right back.

No problem. Just dial "hell" and I'll answer.

I'll call you right back.

I miss Dad.

Was he a fun guy?

Of course he was a fun guy.

Especially in the last few years when you got so busy.

I'll call you right back.

- I know you're late for dinner. I am late.

I'm in Kentucky. Drew.

It was real and it was great, and it was really great.

Call me anytime, okay? Goodbye.

It's just goodbye, you know? It's not "goodbye." It's just goodbye.

Take care.




Good Lord. Did I win the phone lottery?

Tell me about the Nashville airport.

I'm over it. I'm actually almost home now.

Were the roads as hellish as I told you?

Claire, my dad's dead.

I know.

You knew?

I don't know a lot about everything... but I do know a lot about the part of everything that I know... which is people.

And I thought I was so mysterious.

Trust me, everybody is less mysterious than they think they are.

And they all know me, and I don't know any of them... and I had never seen a dead body before.

To have never taken a solitary road trip across country?

I mean, everybody's gotta take a road trip at least once in their lives.

Just you and some music.

You have no idea of the sheer volume of my cousin's kid when he cries.

I mean, I think there is definitely a higher spirit.

But I agree, what's left behind finally... are the impressions you made on people.

More important is to know where to go.

You haven't traveled at all, have you?

I just recently decided that things really are black and white.

And so, we all became helpers.

Which I still can't help. I can't help helping.

Okay, I'll drive back home. At least part of the way.

I will take a road trip.

I was actually gonna go with Mitch next year.

Why am I calling him Mitch?

I spend so much time thinking about all the answers to the problem... that I forget what the problem actually was.

If you're smart, you'll just wear your shoes and never ask any questions.

Just enjoy your footwear.

Do you ever just think, "I'm fooling everybody"?

You have no idea.

Men see things in a box.

And women see them in a round room.

Look at this. He was so young here.

My mom.

Not the one they wanted him to marry.

They met in an elevator.

I think I've been asleep most of my life.

Me, too.

Good Lord!

Do you want to have a beer over the phone?

Chuck and Cindy.

Cindy and Chuck.

I am currently stealing...

Chuck and Cindy's wedding beer.

You're a friend of Chuck's, right?

Yes. No, you're not. I'm Chuck.

Of Chuck and Cindy?

Is that Chuck? It's Chuck.

Who are you?

Drew Baylor. Your neighbor.

You're here for my wedding? No.


My dad died. I'm here for his funeral.

I'm sorry. I can't...

That's hard. It is hard, yeah.

No, no, please. Shit!

Please, no. No, no, Chuck. No, Chuck.

Chuck, please.

Death and life and death and life.

Right next door to each other!

There's a hair between them.

We're here for the next three days. If there's anything I can do for you...

Chuck Hasboro.

Hi, Claire.

Look, if there's anything I can do for you guys, okay? Anything.

Thank you, Chuck.

I love you, Claire.


It's all about family, bro.

Thank you, Chuck.

But they say it will hit you.

It could be 10 minutes or it could be 10 years from now.

So it's good that you talk about it, or don't talk about it.

Well, we have talked about it, but that's what they say.

That's what they say, huh?

Yes, that's what they say.

I've always wondered this. Who are "they"?

You know, "them."


The inimitable collective "them."

And who says we're supposed to listen to them?

They do!

Doesn't your ear hurt?

Yes, it does.

And I have to get up in two hours and be charming.

I'm going to Hawaii.

You'll get there and have fun. I'll get there and sleep.

It's just a little vacation I traded routes for...

I'll let you go.


When will you be back?


You still there?


I'm just wondering if this whole thing is better on the phone.

You're so much better on the phone.

Maybe we should never face each other again.

I enjoyed this.

Hey, you're only 45 minutes away.

You want to meet halfway and see the sunrise?

At this point, it's probably easier to stay up.

You think so?

I think that's what they say.

Hey, you still with me?

Yeah, I'm still here.

Take exit 43. - Okay.

I see your headlights.

I see your red hat.

There you are.



Should we hang up now?

Follow me.

We peaked on the phone.

Yeah, I'm a little tired. Yeah, me too.

Last looks.

Have fun in Hawaii.

There's one right now.



You will not defeat me.

What are you doing?

Mom, are you sure?

Are you sure about the... Are you sure about the cremation?

Honey, I don't know when I'm going to crash... but as of right now, we are learning about the car... and I'm learning organic cooking, I'm gonna tap dance... and later on today, I am going to fix the toilet.

It is five minutes at a time.

Do you all know about out in California... how many people they cremate out there?

No. How many? 80%, I read.

Get out! I'm not kidding you.

Mom, I think you need to slow down.

Look, everybody tells me that I should take sedatives... but, hey, I am out here and I'm making things happen.

All forward motion counts.

Sweetheart, when are you coming back?

There's a memorial this Saturday.

Okay. And who's there helping you plan all of this, sweetheart?

Uncle Dale and Bill Banyon.

Bill Banyon is there?

Bill Banyon? Yeah.

He is a con man.

He swindled your father out of thousands of dollars.

Seventeen years ago, he did something... which almost ruined this family to its very core.


Wrapping himself in the nobility of your father's memory.

Boy, he's getting an earful. Boy, I'll tell you.

Mother! Listen! Focus!


I know it's all very charming with the pickled things in jars... and the Southern charm and the hams that hang in the garage... until they're so covered with mold you could grow penicillin on them...

Are you sure about the cremation?

If Bill Banyon is there, definitely cremation!

And you tell Bill Banyon, I'll be there.



I talked to my friend, Kendra... who had a girlfriend with a kid who is exceedingly loud like Samson... and she's given me a videotape that works absolute miracles.

Hey, thanks, Claire.

What, you're already tired of me?

I just haven't slept. I'm sorry.

How's Hawaii?

Well, I'm checking out this cute guy.

Why are you telling me that?

How could I leave you in distress?

I'm taking you out.

I thought you were in Hawaii. What's this?

"When cremation is your preference."

I just got some brochures I want you all to look at.

And these are some choice of urns... available here at the Cave Hill Cemetery.

You can take them home and...

You can look at those brochures and...

Y'all can look at those, take those home with you.

Whatever makes you happy.

We are shopping for an urn.

And you can pick this up tomorrow immediately following the procedure.

The Jim Morrison of Kentucky.

You're kind of great, Claire. You do know that.

Sort of amazing, even. Oh, come on!

I don't need an ice cream cone. It's not an ice cream cone.

What's an ice cream cone?

You know.

"Here's a little something to make you happy.

"Something sweet that melts in five minutes."

I'm completely cool with anything you want to say or not say.

I don't need it.

Besides, Ben is coming in tomorrow.

Do you want to hear my theory? Of course.

You and I have a special talent, and I saw it immediately.

Tell me.

We're the substitute people.

The substitute people.

I've been the substitute person my whole life.

I'm not an Ellen. I never wanted to be an Ellen.

And I'm not a Cindy, either. Although Chucks love me.

I'm sure they do.

I like being alone too much.

I mean, I'm with a guy who's married to his academic career.

I rarely see him. And I'm the substitute person there.

I like it that way. It's a lot less pressure.


Play this for the loudest kid in the world.

I'm not used to girls like you.

That's because I'm one of a kind.

You don't have to make a joke.

I like you without the jokes.

Get some sleep.

I have a personnel interview tomorrow morning... and if I get transferred, Ben will die.

Didn't it just feel better... that we just didn't do something impulsive?

I mean... Yes.

Now we actually have a shot at being friends... for the rest of our lives.

The rest of our lives.

Okay, now for the celebration proper we got the military bands... the right mix of seven speakers, no crybabies...

It's official. Paul, Doug and Rick are flying in from Florida.

Ruckus will reunite for this one evening.

How we doing on balloons?

I sent to Balloon City, I got a bunch of them.

And, Drew, my casket did come in from Lexington... and I got to tell you, it's quite beautiful.

Look, Drew, I am getting the question constantly, okay?

Why isn't he buried in Elizabethtown?

It's not an insult to anybody here.

Well, is there such a thing as partial cremation?

Bill Banyon, how can you even say such a thing?

I know you all love my dad.

You can't dismiss my mother's wishes.

And we're not from California.

Jessie, can you do something about your son?

Yeah. All right.

A couple of good ass-kickings might be in line.

I think what Charles Dean wants to say...

I know what he's saying.

You all have different versions of him that you love a lot.

This is ours.

My family's record of the last thing he said on the subject.

That's the plan.

That is the way it's going to be, guys.

Sprinkled at sea!


And that's the decision from California.

Shit. Oregon.

We really are from Oregon.

Don't make me come spank you. Leave him alone!

Jessie, I have something for you.

Samson, we're gonna watch this.

One second.

Hi. My name's Rusty.

I helped build this house a long time ago.

But wood-eating insects called termites... have compromised the integrity of this once fine structure.

What's that sound?

So today, I'm gonna blow it up.


Now... if I blow this house up... will you promise to behave and mind your mommy and daddy?



Let's blow it up.

- Joe, we ready to go? - Yeah, Rusty, light it up.

Fire in the hole!

Three... two... one.

Now, let's build a new house.

Thank you for taking an interest in Jessie.

Feels good, doesn't it?

It's like Mitch is here.

I can see Mitch right now, so proud... in that blue suit.

Can't you?

Stop the cremation!

Stop the cremation!

Stop the cremation! What the hell's going on, man?

Hold on. Wait right here.

I'm sorry.

Here's your dad, man.

I agree with her.

It takes a year and a half to plan a wedding properly.

It does...

Are you serious? Yes.

This is Claire. I feel like I've known her my whole life.

He was at my door last night yelling, "Cindy, you get out here."

And I was like, "Chuck, not tonight! Not until we get married..."

Is that...

Hey, Mitch.

So, what happened to Ben?

There was a storm in Georgia. They grounded all the planes.

And he doesn't like to fly.

And now they want him to speak at some trustees event... and trot out some big ideas.

Claire, I want to see you... on the tour of Maker's Mark tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Sharp.

All right? All right.

I love this girl!

You look great.

I'm a mess.

You're crazy, Claire. You look amazing. Thank you.

And this dress...

Did well on the personnel interview, though.

Right. The interview. I forgot.

I know. I'm impossible to forget, but I'm hard to remember.

Drew! Lovin' life, lovin' you.

Hey, missed you at the rehearsal dinner.

Claire? Yeah?

Let's show Mitch the site of his memorial.

"Chuck and Cindy, the wedding!"

Here you go, Dad.

Welcome to the annual meeting of people who... annually meet!

- And we'll see you all again next year. Very nice. Come on.

I'm just going to say right now what we're not saying... and let the chips fall, let the chips fall... let the chips fall where they may.

Yes, I may be embarrassing myself, but I'm just going to say it.

I like you!


I think you should eat something.

I've been starving myself all week long!

For Ben. Man, I'm gonna eat.

We'll eat in my room. Room service?

I want cheese and cheese-related things.

No, eggs and fries. With cheese on everything.

Cheese it is. Cheese and Coca-Cola.

And don't worry.

Because as great as you look tonight, you are safe with me.

Of course, it's safe. It's a full moon.

I look good. You do look good.

I'm wearing these clothes. I mean...

Have you ever had unlucky clothes?

This dress that you like?

Good things have not happened to me in this dress.

But I saw it tonight and I said:

"I'm gonna give you one more chance."

And I refuse to be let down by this dress again.

Anyway, forget all that.

You're here, and we're together, and it's a get-out-of-jail-free card.

It's almost midnight.

Life cannot be so cruel that we don't deserve to be together... to eat.

Hi, Chuck. Hey, Cindy.

Wait. Where's Mitch?

I left him in the ballroom.

I'm sorry Ben missed the flight.

He forgot?

No storm in Georgia. No trustees.

No big ideas.

What a fucking jerk. He's not a jerk.

He's a brilliant man who gives himself permission to be preoccupied.

Come on.

You know, there is nothing greater than deciding in your life... that things maybe really are black and white!

And this guy, Ben, who clearly takes you for granted... who serially takes advantage of you, is bad!

And what I am saying is good. See what I mean?

You shouldn't be the substitute for anybody.

This guy should be right here, right now, doing this.

Maybe so.

He's lucky I'm not the right person for you.

I know why it's not you, but just tell me...

so I can see it from your perspective.

See, I know what you deserve.

What do I deserve?

You deserve...

You deserve...

You deserve...

a guy who says:

"I can't imagine a world without you.

"We will start a winery when we are 70.

"We will snowboard every December, and one year take our kids.

"And we will always have the twin red Lexuses...

"with the license plates reading: 'Chuck and Cindy."'

You deserve all this and more.

It's not you, I know.

Please don't take this as rejection. I really don't.

Ben's very lucky. All we did was kiss.

Most of the sex I've had in my life was not as personal as that kiss.

I'm putting on my shoes now.

Excuse me. Sorry.

I'm walking out the door... in last night's clothes.

"Hey, Claire. Don't leave.

"Stay. Let's have breakfast."

I will miss your lips and everything attached to them.

See you, Mitch.

Claire, you slut!

Claire! Swear to God! Claire!

Wait up!

Just tell me you love me and get it over with.

Claire, I'm just going to say this because you deserve it.

It's not easy for me, but here goes.

Four days ago...

I lost a major American shoe company...

Frankly, you could round it off to one billion dollars!

And by tomorrow afternoon, everyone will know.

Something's gonna be published that pinpoints me as the most... spectacular failure in the history of my profession... which is all I know how to do.

And I've been here this whole time trying to be responsible and charming... and live up to this success... that doesn't exist.

All I really want... is to not be here.

I'm sorry.

I have a very dark appointment with destiny.

That's my secret.

That's who I am.

That's it?

Yes, that's it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I guess I just thought a small part of you might be a small bit sad to see me go.

But I guess this is all mostly about a shoe.

Of course, I'm sad about you.

But this is just a little bit bigger than you and me!

And by the way, I didn't say million. I said billion!

A billion dollars!

That's a lot of million!

So, you failed.

No, you don't get it. All right, you really failed.

You failed, you failed, you failed.

You failed, you failed, you...

You think I care about that?

I do understand.

You're an artist, man. Your job is to break through barriers.

Not accept blame and bow and say:

"Thank you, I'm a loser, I'll go away now."

"Phil's mean to me..." So what?

I don't cry.

You want to be really great?

Then have the courage to fail big and stick around.

Make them wonder why you're still smiling.

That's true greatness to me.

But... don't listen to me, I'm a Claire.

Well, thank you, Claire. You're welcome.

Now would you quit trying to break up with me?

You're always trying to break up with me... and we're not even together.

I know.


We're not?

Of course not.

We're the substitute people, remember?

I'll see you at Mitch's memorial, if I can make it.

All right, when I give you the signal pull the pulley slowly across.

All right, slow and soulful.

Will do. Slow and soulful.

She came! That is her.

That is her. That's Hollie.


Hollie. It's really good to see you.

You look more beautiful than ever. Thank you.

Mitch wrote letters. Never once sent an e-mail.

He was always there for me.

Where are you, Mitch?

And I loved him.

And y'all know that.

I loved him!

Even though he moved to California...

God love him, he always came back to his roots.

And I will miss his laugh.

I don't have anything funny to say.

And I don't have a funny story to tell.

I will tell you, it wasn't easy for Mitch to leave the military... and start over again in California.

And I apologize, per se, for my role in that deal, per se.

And to all of you who put this evening together... it has gone beautifully, and thank you.

Lena, it hasn't hit him yet. It will. It will.

Ladies and gentlemen...

Hollie Baylor.

I want you to stay awake for this, all right?

I'm a little nervous.

But here we are.

It's been a while.

There was this shorthand of a long marriage.

We were complete opposites, and it worked.

The plan was to send... my son to represent the family.

I was terrified that you would look at me and see... that woman from California who took him away.

Even though we only lived in California as a family... for 18 months, 27 years ago...

I always... felt it.

All because I was standing in an elevator in Tokyo... and this handsome captain walked in... on his way home to Elizabethtown.

And he was engaged. And so was I.

And somehow I hijacked him and took him to Disneyland!

But something happened between us... that was not part of the plan.

We were in love.

Let me tell you a little bit about life without Mitch.

I wanted to get to know about Mitch's car... and it actually ate me.

I went to the bank and the teller looked at me strangely... and I got home and I looked at myself in the mirror... and my face was still green from a facial mask... that I had forgotten to take off.

And I called our insurance man of 30 years... whose son Mitch had actually helped to get into West Point... to tell him that Mitch was gone.

He didn't call me back for two days.

The car, the bank, the insurance man, the world.

I mean, nobody truly cared.

Not like us.

I always wanted to learn to tap dance... so I took tap dance lessons.

And I wanted to learn... Yeah, I did.

And I wanted to learn to cook organically... and so I attempted that.

And I fixed the toilet.

Yeah. All by myself.

And I wanted to learn to laugh.

Why couldn't I be funnier when Mitch was alive?

But you know, I figured it out. It takes time to be funny... and it takes time to extract joy from life.

So I enrolled in comedy school.

Yeah, I did. I know, I know.

I was the oldest one in the class. Thank you.

And we were told to tell a story.

Something true, something that really happened to us.

So I got up there and I talked about my husband... and the love he left behind.

A few days after Mitch died...

I was walking through the yard and I saw our neighbor... who was a very good friend of Mitch's, Bob... and he saw me coming through the gate... and he said, "I am so sorry for your loss."

And I knew that he needed to feel that loss, too... and to share it, and I wanted to help him.

And he put his arms around me, he cradled me... and his embrace tightened.

Finally, here was somebody who truly cared.

And then...

I felt something else.

Something huge.

Let's just say it, let's just say it!

A boner.

I know.

A boner, that's what I get.

That's what I get for trying to do everything myself.

Boner Bob, my neighbor.

Oh, dear.

He rooted for all of you.

I love you.

This is for you, your favorite song...

on a Saturday night.

Well, you really brought everybody together...

I'll give you that.

I have this thing for you.

It's a very unique map.

It's for your road trip home.

Right, a map.

You promised. Remember?

No. No, I do, I remember.

This is for you, Mitch.

Free Bird, huh?

Well, I better get back to... Ben.

He finally made it.

Does Ben even exist?

Just call me when you get home... and not until.

I want you to get into the deep... beautiful melancholy of everything that's happened.

It's a great map.

Jessie! Just keep going!

Oh, my God!

I am a licensed flight attendant! Use this exit, please!

As a specialist in the field of last looks... this one was pretty iconically Claire.

Friends and neighbors, we are gathered here... to say our final goodbyes to our dear friend...


Come on, General.

The route of Claire's map... with accompanying music and detailed instructions... would take 42 hours... and 11 minutes.

"Turn on ignition."

"Begin your journey and do not skip ahead."

She had laid out the entire road trip... and timed it to music she herself had put on CDs.

The songs, of course, were classic mix tape songs.

About her, of course.

And the rich flurry of our almost romance.


This is The Hombres.

And she had even provided music for what would happen next.

Down to the minute.

You have five minutes to wallow in the delicious misery.

Enjoy it, embrace it, discard it...

and proceed.

Here is a river leading to the Mississippi.

"This is America," she wrote.

And if everybody gets a vote where their Mitch gets buried... here are a few where my Mitch gets buried.

Or scattered.

"Pause for 30 minutes for the greatest chili in the world."

And elsewhere in Memphis.

This would be a good time to stop in at Earnestine & Hazel's... and say hello to Russ.

How you doing?

He's hung onto the place for 38 long years.

He'll tell you a few stories.

Look. Look at this. That's the blues!

And just around the corner, the Lorraine Motel.

The hotel balcony where Martin Luther King drew his last breath.

His death was only the beginning of his victory.

You go across the bridge traversing Mark Twain's muse...

Jeff Buckley's funeral bed... as the night air whips through your hair... around your face, and out the other window.

You can feel the soul of that dark water even as you arrive on the other side.

Some music needs air.

Roll down your window.

All right! Good! I love you, Daddy.

I love you too, Drew. Where do you want to go?

- Tucky. - Kentucky?

Good morning.

How you doing?

The Survivor Tree.

It's my favorite tree in the world.

And I like trees.

"This once highly-anticipated product...

"may actually cause an entire generation to return to bare feet."

Sadness is easier because it's surrender.

I say, make time to dance alone... with one hand waving free.

Look at us.

You with your many almost-great projects, me with my fiasco.

Oh, God.

Both of us working so hard... for what?

We should have taken this trip years ago.

And the fact that I wanna go home and kill myself is really not your fault.

For what? For Phil?


Don't get lost.

Proceed to the second largest farmer's market in the world... located on...

The Second Largest Farmer's Market in the World Boulevard... for some essentials for the rest of your journey home.

Go to the pet area. Look inside the book about springer spaniels.

Find a pair of Späsmoticas on display... and look inside.

Here you have reached a fork in the map.

You can go to your car and the rest of the directions will take you home.


look for a girl in a red hat... who's waiting for you with an alternate plan.

No true fiasco... ever began as a quest for mere adequacy.

A motto of the British Special Service Air Force is:

"Those who risk, win."

A single green vine shoot is able to grow through cement.

The Pacific Northwestern salmon beats itself bloody... on its quest to travel hundreds of miles upstream... against the current, with a single purpose.

Sex, of course.

But also...