Elvis & Nixon (2016) Script

From 9:20 to 11:30, you have your meetings with Mr. Haldeman, Mr. Kissinger and Mr. Zeigler.

From 11:40 to 12:05, you have a meeting in the Grand Hall to receive diplomatic credentials from the Ambassadors of the Dominican Republic and Zambia.

Do they speak any English?

I believe so. Oh, good.

Because I hate it when they don't even try.

You know, whenever I go to a foreign country I always try to learn some phrases.

You know, it gives me an edge with the people of that country.

You know, shows I did my homework, shows I care.

Some people come right in here, no effort.

No effort whatsoever.

Not in their national character.

That's why they'll never be superpowers like us.

From 12:05 to 1:05, you have your open hour, at the end of which we thought would be a good time to have your meeting with Mr. Presley.

From 1:10 to 1:30, you have an informal meet-and-greet with 150 or so White House volunteers in the State...

Elvis? Elvis Presley?

Yes, sir. The entertainer.

I know who Elvis Presley is. Yes.

Who the fuck set this up?


Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.

What is going on here? I demand an explanation!

This clumsy fool tried to plant that ridiculous camera on me.

In America, black people are treated very much as the Vietnamese people or any other colonized people...

President Nixon and his press secretary made no comment about...

...kids are saying. Smoke pot with your kids and then you'll understand why the kids are happy.

You gotta be kidding me.

...and in Cambodia, the fight against suspected communists.

One, two, three, four, stop the war against the poor!


Next, please.

Hello, ma'am. One ticket, please.

And where will you be traveling to, sir?

Los Angeles.

The one in California?

That's the one.

"The one in California?" What other one is there?

You know, I prayed this day would come so many times.

My cousin, she would always tell me, "Margaret, "you are never, ever going to meet the King.

"So just get over it."

You gotta hold on to your dreams.

You have beautiful eyes.

So, about the ticket?

Of course.

We have a flight leaving in less than an hour.

I'll take it. Yes. Of course.

I'm so sorry to have to ask, but, do you have any form of identification?

Yes, ma'am.

Not like a driver's license or something?

Confidentially speaking, this is the first time I've ever flown on my own.

So, I... It's fine.

Excuse me, sir... Is that a...

Oh, this? This is my .45.

Yeah, I got a little pistol in my boot, too.

I got permits for both of them, so...

They need these catalogued and vaulted.

And there's a call for you. He says his name is Mr. Tiger.

Elvis? Mr. Cougar?

I'm in a bit of a pickle here.

I was just trying to hop a quick flight on American Airlines and now I'm being detained due to carrying side arms.

You took guns on a plane? Yeah.

Elvis, why are you flying commercial?

Top secret. Gotta bolt quick, Jerry.

You know, click-bang.

I'll explain it to you when you pick me up at the airport.

Yeah. I'm at work. Come on, Jerry You're the only one I can trust with this.

Okay.

I'll pick you up. Good.

Now... About my little situation here...

Yeah, I got an idea.

The guy in front of you, ask if he has any kids.

Come on, honey. It's all right.

That's a pretty coat you got there.

Y'all scrunch on in now.

Great big old smile!

That looked good.

Thank you so much, Mr. Presley. Thank you.

Anything for law enforcement.

Oh, yes, sir.

Look at this handsome devil.

Hey.

I knew I could count on you, Mr. Cougar.

How are you, Mr. Tiger?

This is my man.

And I promised these young ladies we'd give them a ride home. You don't mind, do you?

No.

I like the way you walk I like the way you talk I like the way you walk I like the way you talk Suzie Q

Hey, that's a great book, man.

You should check it out.

You're a number six.

I miss our talks, Jerry.

Me too, E.

I came out here to get you, man.

I got work.

How much are they paying you at Paramount?

You don't even want to say it out loud, do you...

I actually just got a promotion.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, how's this for a promotion?

Let's stop screwing around and start up that studio, man.

I'm ready.

I'll put you right beside me, you can run whatever you want.

Editing, production...

You know I'm trying to do my own thing here.

It's no problem, I can get you on a jet back from D.C.

D.C.? Yeah.

See, here's the real deal, Jerry.

I want to get a badge.

A federal badge.

You know, like that clown we met at Chasen's that one night.

The guy who does the voice of Bullwinkle.

If a guy like that can have a badge, why can't I?

Does Priscilla know about this?

No. What about your daddy?

Heck, no, man. They're all screaming at me.

Calling the Colonel, saying I'm spending too much cash.

I just did 29 days at the International.

I sold out every night in Vegas.

I got plenty of dough.

You don't tell a grown man how to spend his money.

It ain't right.

Come on, panther man.

Take this trip with me. It'll be fun.

Hi, Donald, it's Jerry here.

I'm going to have to call in sick.

Yes. I am so sorry.

Can you connect me to the Hotel Washington?

Hello, American Airlines?

I was wondering, could I rent the whole top floor of your hotel tonight?

It's actually for me and a guy named Elvis.

Was Cilla mad? At first. Understandably.

But I handled it.

You always do.

The Colonel?

I told her not to tell him.

Thattaboy. Keep the Fat Man out of this.

And Sonny's gonna meet us there and take over.

Look at these guys.

You're kidding me, man.

That's good, but Elvis would never wear that, man.

Oh, really?

Yeah, I'm an Elvis impersonator, too.

That's frightening. You're good though, man.

You could be second best, baby. You know what I'm saying?

Do you do Teddy Bear?

When I'm in the mood. Well, listen to this, man.

I got an Elvis song that's gonna blow you away, man.

I'm gonna rock it to the left I'm gonna rock it to the right I'm gonna rock it in the middle And rock it all night Now that, baby, that is where the rock-a-hula really is.

Would you like some coffee? Thank you.

Hey, Jerry, could you proofread this for me?

It's a letter.

Yeah. Sure.

You wrote a letter to Nixon?

Yeah. That's right.

What do you think?

I think it's more than a badge.

I know. But have you seen the TV lately, Jerry?

War. Crime. Riots.

It's all going downhill, man.

We are at a crossroads. It's make or break time for this country.

And this country made me, man.

You think there'd be an Elvis Presley if this land was communist? Heck, no.

That's what's going on in the streets.

And it's the drugs, too.

It's messing with the kids' minds.

What kind of man would I be if I didn't offer to help?


Can I help you, sir?

I need to get this letter to the President.

There's a mailbox at the corner of...

At the end of the avenue.

Yeah. I got you.

Hey, you think there could be some sort of special delivery method?

It's a matter of national security.

The mailbox is down the street.

Hey, Pete.

Ah, shit.

Can you come here for a minute, please?

Are they coming to get me?

Excuse me, officer. Is there a problem?

Not at all.

Good morning.

It's Elvis.

Mailbox is around the corner.

You're ex-military. Right?

Marines. Marines, yeah.

Figures.

I was just regular old Army myself, you know.

Third Armored Battalion. Trained at Fort Hood.

But we knew the Marines was where it was at, you know.

Well, it takes a certain kind of grit.

That's it, man. That's it.

I never had it myself, but I wish that I did.

I'll tell you what.

I'll put it inside for you, but I can't guarantee it'll get to the President's office.

Why not?

What's your name?

And who are you, sir?

Oh, I'm, uh, his head of... Personal relations.

PR, yeah. Public relations.

Public relations.

Well, the thing is, Mr. Presley...

Burrows.

I'm undercover.

Mr. Burrows.

We get a lot of mail for the White House.

I'm sure.

And it all has to be cleared through security before it can reach the President.

Sometimes that can take a few days.

But...

We'll do our best considering the circumstances, hmm?

Thank you.

It's important to me, you know?

I have a deep respect for what you gentlemen do.

He's taller than I thought he'd be.


What?


I'm beat.

President's getting raked over the coals over this Manson trial declaration.

You're never gonna believe this.

You remember when you talked about finding a friend for the President?

Someone from the outside. Yeah.

Well, you'll never guess in a million years who just showed up at the Northwest Gate asking to see him.

Okay. Look, I'm not in the mood for this. Who?

The King.

The King of what?

The President doesn't have any appointments with royalty...

Not just any king.

The King.

Elvis.

Elvis Presley? Yes.

At the Northwest Gate? He just walked up.

Right. I'm not kidding. Look.

He delivered this to the President in person.

"John Burrows."

Yeah. I don't know what that is.

You swear this isn't a joke, 'cause this penmanship is horrible!

On my honor, yes. It looks like a child wrote it, I know.

He said he wants to be a "Federal Agent-At-Large."

Does that even exist? Oh, who knows.

We got to set this up.

Hey, Jer! Glad you made it, Sonny.

How you doing? Wow, nice place.

Come here. Ah, man.

What is that? I don't know.

The boss man told me to bring it up from Graceland.

Said it was top secret.

Where is he? He's taking a nap.

Just like old times.

Glad to have you back.

I'm not back.

You missed it last month.

We took the bikes down to New Orleans, and put the girls on the back and just rode.

E kept stopping every hour or so to point out a place he used to play at, or toss the ball around. You know how he is.

Everybody was on their Bonnevilles, except I was on my Harley.

And goddamn Charlie Hodge was on a Kawasaki.

E gave him holy hell about that one.

You still got your Bonneville?

No, I... I had to sell it.

You're in the movie business, right?

Hey, you ever watch The Partridge Family?

Laurie Partridge is such a piece of ass.

Next time I'm in town, can you set me up with her?

I'm not doing that kind of movie stuff.

I'm doing more of the editing.

Not as glamorous, but I actually did see Faye Dunaway once.

Really?

How's Charlotte? Yeah, she's good.

She still writing that book?

I mean, that's a hell of a fantastic...

Fuck, I gotta call her.

Can you keep an eye on him? No problemo.

Hey, babe. Hey.

Where are you?

I can't say right now, but it's pretty crazy.

Elvis had to take a trip and he needed me.

And so, I had to call Graceland.

They were all freaking out.

Priscilla, Vern.

But I think I handled it. Maybe...

Jerry, you're out of town?

Yeah.

You don't remember, do you?

Remember?

My parents are flying in.

Oh, shit.

They're gonna love you. Dinner.

Yes, I remember. 8:00.

I arrive at LAX at 6:00, so I should be home by 7:00.

Do you promise? Of course. Why?

I can hear it in your voice, baby.

You're back.

I'm not back. Good.

Then come back home to me.

There's nothing I want more.

I miss you. I miss everything about you.

You miss me? I miss your face.

And I miss that sweet, sweet ass.

Do you miss Elvis more?

Oh, wow..

E?

Hey. Where's E? He's not here.

I fell asleep.

I leave you with one thing, one thing.

We're the only two people who know where he is.

I fell asleep. E!

Did you look in the dining room?

E!

This is Ronnie. Ronnie, it's Jerry Hey, Jer. Are you with E?

Yeah, I got him. Thank God for that.

He was hungry so we're heading over to Stan's Original Donuts.

Thank you, Ronnie. You're welcome, boss.

Hey. Gentlemen.

Kepple Carpet is gonna charge to just come in there and measure.

They gonna charge him for the appraisal.

They gonna charge him just to even come out there.

Now I'm getting you... What?

Excuse me. Are you in line?

What it look like?

Looks like you in the way.

Like I said, two television stands.

Living room...

One original maple bar, please.

Original, my ass.

Where'd you get that necklace, daddy?

It's Elvis Aaron Presley.

I know who you are.

Well...

My boys, they had it made for me.

It has all their names on it, on this tree.

Tree of Life.

Sweet.

I got mine at a store.

Sweet.

I see you got some sweet rings there, too.

Yeah.

Before you go getting any ideas, you should know that we aim to keep them.

Who's "we"?

Me and Lucille.

Got it?

You somethin' else, baby. You all right, man.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Jerry. Sonny.

You gotta try one of these original "my ass" maple bars.

Yeah. I think we should head back to the hotel.

Just in case we get that phone call.

Two more maple bars, please.

Are you sure it's him?

I know it sounds crazy, but he literally just walked up to the gate.

You wanna bring him in today? Yes.

When? End of open hour.

Well, that's the President's nap time.

We understand that, sir, but...

All right, you got the letter?

Read it to me.

"Dear Mr. President.

"First, I would like to introduce myself..."

Not in his goddamn voice.

Sorry.

"I am Elvis Presley and I admire you

"and have great respect for your office.

"I talked to Vice President Agnew

"in Palm Springs three weeks ago

"and expressed my concern for our country."

Is that true? I believe so.

Continue. "The drug culture, "the hippie elements, the SDS, Black Panthers, etcetera, "do not consider me as their enemy

"or as they call it, the establishment.

"I call it America and I love it."

Here comes his pitch. "Sir, "I can and will be of any service

"that I can to help the country out.

"So I wish not to be given a title

"or an appointed position.

"I can and will do more good

"if I were made a Federal Agent-At-Large

"and I will help out by doing it my way..."

First he says he doesn't want a title, the next sentence he's requesting to be made a Federal Agent-At-Large?

"First and foremost, I am an entertainer

"but all I need is the federal credentials."

Let me see that.

"...so you can better understand my approach.

"I would love to meet you and just say hello if you're not too busy."

Is this a fucking joke?

Just out of curiosity, what is a Federal Agent-At-Large?

No such thing.

Actually, sir, I looked into it, there is such a thing.

No such thing. There's no such thing.

Well, is there something else that we can give him?

An honorary badge?

Sir, if I may, if the American public saw that President Nixon has a relationship with the most influential entertainer on the planet, that could go a long way.

I mean, not just with our anti-drug initiatives but more importantly, well, he could really help us with the youth vote.

And we know we have an image problem with the youth.

I mean, this is a brilliant opportunity for us.

I typed up a memo for you to sign.

I don't give a fuck about the youth vote.

Here's what I think of Elvis Presley meeting the President of the United States of America.

"You must be kidding!"

It's not just the youth vote.

Everybody loves Elvis.

Old people. Women.

Every single voter in the South loves Elvis.

Okay. You got my approval.

Now you just need Nixon's.

Any word from the big man?

Not yet. Damn!

But I'm sure they'll call as soon as they get the letter.

So, I've got a flight to catch.

You want me to call the President of Paramount?

I can do that for you.

Nah, I got a dinner tonight.

I'm meeting Charlotte's parents.

Oh, really? Hey, why don't I call that nice little dress shop down in Memphis?

The one Cilla likes. I can get something nice for Charlotte.

She'll forget all about it.

I don't think that's gonna work.

Oh, yeah? Works with Cilla. You sure about that?

Sorry. Are you?

But I came, and you don't need me now.

You got Sonny, he can take care of things.

Well, Jerry, you're my head of PR.

And this is a PR thing, so...

I need you.

Hairspray.

Grown man using hairspray.

Look at this, man, that's my black hair dye right there.

And then I got four different kinds of face cream.

You know what this is? Hemorrhoid cream.

They say it gets rid of the puffiness under your eyes.

Then I put on these rings and throw on all this junk.

And I become a thing.

I become an object, you know.

No different than a bottle of Coke.

You see, the difference between me and you, Jerry, is that when you walk into a room, everybody sees Jerry. Right?

And when I walk into a room, everybody remembers their first kiss with one of my songs playing in the background.

Maybe they remember the moment when their girlfriend split up with them after she saw Blue Hawaii.

But they never see me.

They never see that boy from Memphis, Tennessee.

He's buried, Jerry. They buried him so deep

under gold jewelry and money.

Flash bulbs, stage make-up, screaming fans.

I don't even know if I know who he is anymore.

But you do.

You know him. You know him.

You know this boy from Memphis, Tennessee.

The real Elvis.

The person.

I need you, brother.

Why don't you come home?

All right, I got an appointment I gotta keep.

Look, Jerry, do me a favor, just stick around for a little while in case the big man calls, all right?

Okay.

What's the appointment?

Insurance. Just in case.

Where's the damn telephone?

It's this way.

He's coming here. Now.

I never thought he would call. I gave him my card backstage and thought that was the end of it. Oh, my God.

You have to watch my phones, I have to put my face on.

Oh, my God, why did I wear this today?

What are you talking about? You're acting crazy!

Elvis! Elvis Presley!

Elvis is coming here!

Hey, ladies.

Mary Anne Peterson.

I'm so glad you called.

I can't believe you remember my name.

Well, I remember that face even more.

So, what are you doing in Washington, D.C., Mr. Presley?

Well, Mary Anne, it's top secret.

But the minute I met you I knew you were a woman of discretion.

I want a meeting with J. Edgar Hoover.

Well, that's the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

But your department falls under that, correct?

Well...

I don't know if I can get you a meeting with Mr. Hoover.

Well now, Mary Anne, it's a matter of national security.

I can't tell you what it's about at this moment, but is there any chance I could meet with the head honcho around here?

Maybe he could help.

Mr. Finlator? You have a visitor.

I have to be at the White House...

It's Elvis Presley.

Mr. Presley.

This is Mr. Finlator.

Deputy Director of the Bureau of Narcotics and Dangerous Drugs.

Mr. Finlator, this is Mr. Elvis Presley.

Famous person.

I know who Mr. Presley is. Your reputation precedes you.

Call me Elvis. Yeah.

What can I help you with, Elvis?

Thank you, Mary Anne. You're welcome.

May I sit down?

Yeah, no. Please, have a seat.

Well, sir, I was going to go directly to President Nixon but I decided it was best to start at the top.

Not sure I follow.

Well, I am concerned about the youth of our country and I would like to go undercover as a federal agent.

You want to be a federal agent?

Yes, sir. You know, I have a military background.

I've always had a deep and abiding interest in law enforcement.

I'd like to do whatever I can whenever I can for the police, I visit local police departments from time to time.

I regularly give a little donation to their funds or benefits.

And in exchange they usually give me a badge.

Or a citation.

But mostly just badges.

Those are local law enforcement badges.

Federal badges, you understand, come with many more responsibilities and privileges.

Of course. That's exactly why I'm here, sir.

And I understand the gravity of what I'm asking you for, so...

I'm willing to do whatever I can for you and your department, you know.

Whatever it takes.

We can't do that.

We can't take donations.

We are fully funded by the government.

We are the government.

Really, I'd love to help you with this but...

Because I'm a big fan from way back.

Let me ask you, have you looked into the FBI credentials?

Collectors really keep their eye out for that FBI badge.

Well, sir, I don't mean to be rude, but I didn't travel all the way to our nation's capital to work for the FBI.

I believe the drug culture is ruining our youth.

This is a drug issue.

And I am here specifically to be an agent for the Bureau of Narcotics.

You're serious? Oh, yes, sir.

An undercover rock and roller.

Sounds ludicrous, but...

Truth is, not in a million years would a dealer ever see you coming.

You see, sir, that's just the thing.

You got to understand. I've been in 31 major motion pictures, that makes me an expert in costume and disguise.

You may not know this, but I have a black belt in karate.

I've studied kenpo and tae kwon do.

I can supply my own firearms.

But I'm also willing to submit to whatever training you deem necessary.

Mr. Presley. I really respect everything you're doing in our fight against drugs.

Thank you, sir.

But I...

Don't really have the authority to make you an undercover agent.

Undercover agent-at-large?

That, either.

I'll tell you what I can do. Okay.

I can have Mary Anne take you down to one of the gift shops across the street.

They sell badges, very authentic replicas.

The kind they use in the films and I know they're very popular, especially with the kids.

Mr. Finlator, you know what?

I don't need a kiddie badge.

I'm not a child. I am a grown man.

I intend to be treated as such.

Elvis. Mr. Presley?

Call me?

What did you say to him?

Nothing!

Nothing. I...

Can you believe this, man? The White House?

You think they'll let me have a souvenir or something?

Probably not. For my pop.

Not like a painting of Jefferson or anything, but just an ashtray.

There's my steak Diane.

Good morning.

Your steak and eggs, Mr. West.

Thank you, Diane.

Bring it right over here. Thank you.

Are you here to meet Elvis, too?

Nah, he's just the hired help.

Just kidding. He's with us.

Like I said, Mr. West, I'd do anything to meet the King.

He's just my favorite.

You know, I've seen Blue Hawaii at least 17 times.

I got some of his stuff here if you wanna see it.

Hello? Mr. Schilling, this is Bud Krogh, Deputy Assistant for Domestic Affairs.

Thank you, sir, for calling.

I'm hoping it's good news?

Well, we're about 90% positive we'll be able to get him in today.

He'll still be in town, right?

Absolutely.

This meeting is very important to Mr. Presley.

It is very important to us as well.

We're about to go in and pitch the President, so, should we get a yes, I can reach you at this phone number?

Yes! Yes, I will be here.

Okay Good. Thank you.

And, Mr. Schilling, do you think it'll be possible for us to get a picture with Mr. Presley?

Who the fuck set this up?

Actually, he did, sir.

Mr. Presley made an unscheduled appearance at the Northwest Gate this morning.

Seeing as though he is only in town for a couple of days, we thought that it would be a good opportunity to invite him to work with us.

He could really bring a more positive attitude to young people throughout the country.

I see.

And you think we should meet with him?

Yes, Mr. President.

During my nap hour?

Well, sir, between his television and radio appearances he has a very broad reach to the very demographic we are targeting.

In fact, Bud has put together some figures as talking points. Bud.

This year, over a thousand people in New York alone have died from narcotic related deaths.

A hundred and eight of those, teenagers.

Now, as Dwight has stated, Mr. Presley has a very wide following in the entertainment industry.

We thought maybe we could produce a television special with him.

What sort of television special?

We're considering a fun yet informative documentary-type program.

A mix of music and interviews with say, world's top physicians and psychiatrists discussing the dangers of addiction.

What exactly would he be doing on this television special of ours?

Well, we were thinking that he could perform some drug-themed songs that the kids are listening to these days, and then interpret it for the parents, so that they can get a better understanding of how drugs and other anti-establishment themes have infiltrated rock and roll music.

Maybe we could encourage him to ask some of his fellow artists to join the campaign.

Maybe get together to develop some kind of new rock and roll musical theme.

I see. You mean like, sing a song, together. That sort of thing.

Yeah, you know, hip but with an appropriate theme.

Something like maybe, "Get High on Life."

"Get High on Life." I like that.

That's good. Yeah.

What else?

Well, that would be it, sir.

Actually... Unfortunately, yeah...

He would also like a badge.

A what? A badge.

He'd like to be made a Federal Agent-At-Large.

And it's really important for him to get that badge.

I see...

I see. Right.

So, Mr. President, shall we set this up?

No.

But, Mr. President... I'm not bringing some goddamn rock and roller into the Oval Office, for Pete's sake!

Now, Jesus Christ, I mean, you tell him he should try again next time.

You know, maybe he'll have better luck when a Democrat gets elected.

Now, what the hell is going on with Ford's counterpart in the House?

I read this cockamamie story in the Star last night, it's the most ridiculous thing.

I mean, he's on the sauce, isn't that it?

Dammit. I thought we had him.

Nah. He knew it was a "no" before we even set foot in that room.

I hate it when he does that.

It's like he enjoys stringing people along, you know.

He does.

So, now what? We take it all the way to the Supreme Court?

Really funny.

Yeah. Just let me deliver the bad news.

Can I try them on? Yeah.

I can't believe I'm trying on Elvis' glasses.

You're really hot!

Really? Yeah!

You're so pretty.

Hey.

I was just showing her your glasses.

All right.

Should I get her out of here?

Good idea.

Yeah, what?

Elvis...

Nixon can't meet you.

Well, we'll do it tomorrow then.

He can't do it tomorrow.

How about this weekend?

I'll stay as long as it takes.

He can't do today and he can't do tomorrow.

He just...

He just doesn't wanna meet you.

I'm sorry.

I think I need some fresh air.

I'll come with you. No.

I can get it myself.


Thank you.


Who's he?

He's our driver. He's down.

Meaning he's hip.

He's cool.

Walk with us.

Look, we wanna make this work just as much as you guys, but he just doesn't see the value in meeting Elvis.

So there's nothing we can do today?

Nope.

What about tomorrow?

No.

How about something casual, not even a meeting?

Like a drink or something?

Look, Jerry...

We tried.

He's just...

Nixon is...

He's just old fashioned, all right.

He's from a different era.

What about Saturday? Maybe a coffee?

No, no, no.

The President is going to be at Camp David all weekend with his wife and daughters.

His daughters?

Yeah. Gentlemen, I think we have a solution.

Mr. President. Julie is on four.

My Julie. Sweetheart.

Well, I just...

Well, I just didn't think to tell...

Well, look, Julie, your father's very busy today, you know...

Bud.

President's been looking for you two.

Was he pissed or only mildly annoyed?

So you two thought this would be a good idea?

Mr. President, I had nothing to do with this. Sir, we just...

Well, it doesn't make any goddamn difference now, does it?

Because the leader of the free world is taking orders from a 22-year-old college girl.

Fine, bring him in.

Get an autograph for Julie and a picture.

And I want him out in five minutes tops.

And you'd better get me a bio on this Elvis so I can prep for this goddamn meeting.

Jerry Schilling speaking.

Thank you.

Well, guess it's back to Memphis.

I don't think that's a good idea.

How come?

Well, because...

You, Mr. Presley, have a meeting with the President of the United States of America.

Hot damn!


There he is!

Well, what do you think?

Damn, boss, you look hotter-than-a-whorehouse great.

Let's do this thing.

Jerry, I just want to thank you, man, for putting this together.

I don't know how you did it, but I couldn't have done it without you, man.

You too, Sonny.

Yeah. I never thought I'd get to meet a president.

Thank you. And thank you, boss.

It means a lot to me to know that, you know, I have friends.

Mr. Barrow?

Burrows.

Nice to meet you. I'm Mr. Krogh's assistant.

Nice to meet you, ma'am.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the White House. Thank you, ma'am.

Beautiful, isn't it, Mr. Presley?

Yeah.

Looks a little like my place.

Mr. Presley, I'm Agent Duncan.

This is Agent Moroder.

Agent Duncan. Agent Moroder.

It's an honor.

Identification.

Let's show him our IDs, boys.

Will that do?

Is this the only identification you have?

No, sir. That there is my Special Deputy's badge from my hometown of Memphis.

I brought a couple of others from various different locales if you need to see them.

That's not necessary.

And what about you, gentlemen?

And that's your only ID?

Okay, sir, do you have any illegal firearms or weapons on or about your person? No, sir.

If I may? Of course.

Sir, I'm going to ask you again.

Do you have any firearms or weapons of any kind on your person?

Yes, sir. I do.

Do your associates?

That would be the affirmative.

Why, when I asked you previously, did you reply in the negative?

Well, I believe you said "illegal" firearms, and these firearms are not illegal.

We are licensed to carry them as Special Sheriff's Deputies of Shelby County under Tennessean Code 39-49.

Okay, gentlemen. All your weapons on the table.

There we go.

What's in the box?

This is a personal gift for the President.

Open it, please.

Sir, I had it very specially wrapped.

Open the package.

Go ahead, Jerry.

This is Bud Krogh.

Mr. Presley.

Bud Krogh.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

Mr. Presley would like to bring firearms into the Oval Office.

As a gift.

In the display case here.

Wow, it's beautiful.

It's commemorative.

Obviously you can appreciate the uniqueness of this scenario.

All right, gentlemen, let me be clear so there is no misunderstanding.

We don't allow weapons of any kind in the White House.

Including this gift, which I will accept on the President's behalf.

After inspecting it, it possibly will find its way to the President.

Thank you, sir.

I am a fan of all you do for our country.

I am sorry about that.

The Secret Service can be a bit overzealous sometimes.

That's all right, Bud. Hey...

It's a good thing they didn't catch this little fella in my boot.

Just kidding.

Right this way.

I hope you gentlemen don't mind, I need you to wait in my office for a brief moment.

Not at all, Bud.

Please, step right in, make yourselves comfortable.

I'll be right back.

Elvis Presley is in the building!

I can't believe I'm actually going to see the Oval Office.

Glad you left L.A. now, aren't you?

Gentlemen, Mr. Presley, I'd like to introduce you to Dwight Chapin.

He's the special assistant to the President.

It's a huge honor, Elvis.

I mean, Mr. Presley.

Now, before I take you to the President we're going to have to go over the protocol.

So, Mr. Presley, if you'll please follow me...

Protocol? Yes, sir.

No.

I'm sorry, only Mr. Presley will be allowed in the Oval Office.

Is that right? Yes, sir.

My apologies.

Damn.

Well, why don't you give Dwight, or Mr. Chapin, the rundown too.

Rundown for what?

After I announce you, you may enter the Oval Office.

The President will be seated at his desk.

But please wait by the door until he addresses you.

Of course.

Mr. Presley will enter.

If he leaves his sunglasses on then Nixon should wait until Mr. Presley speaks.

His sunglasses?

The President will then shake your hand.

And then invite you to sit down, he will instruct you where to do so.

Roger that.

But if Elvis removes his sunglasses, that means somebody's about to get a bear hug.

I don't know if that's such a good idea.

On the coffee table is an unopened bottle of Dr. Pepper.

Please do not open it. Please do not drink from it.

Because it's only for the President.

Now as for food, we usually make sure that Elvis has a selection of drinks at his disposal.

You know, nothing major, just some hot tea with lemon, sodas, water.

Some snacks. Nice ones.

There is also, on the coffee table, a divided dish with mixed nuts on one side, M&Ms on the other.

I do like M&Ms.

Well, I'm sorry, but those are also only for the President.

Should we tell him about the karate?

Karate?

All right, you ready to meet the President of the United States?

You betcha.

Now, if you'll wait right here please, sir, I'll be right back.

It's an honor, Mr. President.

Mr. President, I can't tell you what a great honor...

Hello, Mr. President, the honor...

Did you know I had a twin brother, Mr. President?

Identical.

Jesse Garon Presley.

He was born 35 minutes before me. Stillborn.

And they...

They put him in a box on the kitchen table while Momma kept on going trying to push me out.

Sometimes I wonder about that, you know.

What that 35 minutes must have been like for her.

The happiest moment and the saddest moment life could possibly throw at you.

Sometimes I think God felt guilty for her, so he gave me the luck that was meant for two people.

Makes you think, you know.

And I want Mr. Kissinger and the Speaker in this meeting.

Mr. President. Are you ready for Mr. Presley?

Yeah.

And Krogh, no more than five minutes.

I want you to come in exactly at five minutes and say I have to be somewhere.

Where shall I say you... Well, I don't care.

Just make up some bullshit.

Yes, sir.

Krogh...

What do we have on this guy?

You know, deep background.

Well, besides yourself, he's one of the most famous men on the planet.

He's married. He travels a lot.

Loves guns. Hates The Beatles. Black belt in karate.

Big football fan... Karate. You don't say?

Yes, sir. Shall I bring him in?

Hey, Krogh.

Let me ask you something.

Do you think I could take him?

Take him, sir? In karate.

You think I could take him down?

I bet you in my day I could've.

You know, I used to be able to bench-press 220.

Of course, he's young and...

Good-looking too.

You know, Krogh, guys like that, who are just born good-looking, well, you obviously know, they never had to work for it, if you know what I mean.

Not me. No, I had to make something of myself to get a girl to notice me.

It wasn't just handed to me by some sort of genetic lottery.

I wasn't born looking like a Kennedy, you know.

But that's why guys like me are survivors.

Guys like this Elvis fellow...

No, underneath all that, they're weak.

They wither at the first sign of trouble.

They just crumble like a sand dune.

All right, let's bring him in.

Yes, sir.

Mr. Presley.

The President will see you now.

Mr. President.

Mr. Elvis Presley.

Well, Mr. Presley. It is a pleasure.

You know what that is? That's a moon rock.

Very proud to have that here in the Oval Office.

That was given to me personally by a great American, Mr. Buzz Aldrin.

You can lift the glass there and pick it up if you like.

No, that's cool, man.

Buzz sent me one, too.

He did? Well, of course he did.

Mr. President. Put her right there!

Well, okay. Hello!

Why don't you have a seat.

Sure thing.

It's a great place you got here, huh?

Well, it's really the people's house.

I'm just a temporary guest, as they say.

That's right.

I was telling one of the gals outside it reminds me of my Graceland.

It does, does it?

How many square feet is this Graceland of yours?

Not sure. 10,000, maybe.

Well, that is a fine size for a home.

Isn't it? Well, I mean, it's more than fine.

Of course, the White House here is, I think, about 55,000 feet.

Something like that. Well, actually, I made a few additions, so, maybe a little more than that.

But I don't think it's the size of a man's home that defines him. You know?

M&M's are my favorite.

Mine too.

So, Mr. Presley, how can I help you?

Well, Mr. President, first of all I want to tell you what an honor it is to be in your presence.

You have a bottle opener?

Well, there should have been one.

Maybe you could run out and get him one, Krogh.

Yes, Mr. President.

And get a Dr. Pepper for me too.

It's on its way.

Fuck!

So, I read your letter.

I wrote it on the plane.

I could tell.

Mr. President.

This is my little angel.

Lisa Marie. She's two years old.

Well, she is a beautiful little girl.

Yes, sir. She's my pride and joy.

And this is my beautiful wife, Cilla.

Well, she is very charming.

Mr. President.

Bud. Mr. Presley.

These M&Ms are great. Good to hear, Mr. Presley.

You got some good fellas working for you, Mr. President.

My guys are outside.

Thank you.

So, as I really do need to be going we should probably get to what you want to...

These are some of my closest associates.

And contrary to what you may have heard, Mr. President, they are not part of any mafia.

That is just a crazy rumor started by nasty journalists.

They love to make it up, don't they?

Last month, Look magazine made up some cockamamie drivel about how I broke into the Dean's office while I was at Duke.

You know, you give a man enough money and he'll say anything, you know.

They'll just ruin a man's reputation.

They don't give a good goddamn.

They just write what they want.

Hear, hear to that.

Everyone has a badge.

Mr. President, I've shown you these photos because I am deeply concerned about the direction our great nation is taking.

Yes, of course.

Now, I'm gonna need an autograph for my Julie.

That's your family there?

Those are some good looking kids.

Well, they really take after their mother.

Well, it takes two good lookin' folks to make a good lookin' baby, Mr. President.

Are you...

You're saying, as a gentleman, I'm good looking too?

Well, of course, Mr. President. Everybody knows that.

Well, I...

Now, plainly speaking, sir, I want to get people to respect our country.

To respect our flag.

Because that's what's getting lost in our nation.

It bothers me to see young people burning flags and smoking dope.

And just because I don't smoke dope or grow a beard does that make me a straight? Or a square?

Because if it does, heck, I'll take being a straight or a square any day of the week.

The kids today are being brainwashed, Mr. President.

It's what they are listenin' to and what they are watchin'.

That's what's doing it to them.

Take that Woodstock for example.

What the heck was that?

I'll tell you what it was, it was an excuse to get naked, get high and roll around in the mud.

Well, I'm with you there.

Four, three, two, one...

Mr. President, you have your meet and greet.

No, not right now. Thank you.

But it's with the delegation...

I said it's fine.

But it's with the donors... I said it can wait.

And Krogh, make sure that we get a picture with Mr. Presley and me.

Ollie's outside, he's ready for you.

No pictures.

Mr. Presley, it's standard for us.

I understand. But not today.

Now, if you don't mind...

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

May I continue? By all means.

Thank you. I have it on very good authority that many of the so-called underground groups have been infiltrated by communists.

Yes, sir.

And I find it downright anti-American.

Just like The Beatles.

The Beatles. Well, I don't like them.

They are anti-American, possibly with communist leanings.

Well, just look at them.

Let's look at the facts, Mr. President.

After coming here and making all that money, they split back to England, start saying all this anti-American stuff, speaking against us in the press.

Well, some people think they can say anything.

Specifically about our policies in Southeast Asia, sir.

Did you know that?

I did not know that.

It was Lennon.

The kids think he's some kind of prophet.

And well... What I'm trying to say is, sir, they may not actually be in the employ of the communists, but if encouraging revolution doesn't sound like subversive propaganda, I don't know what is. Well, right. Yes.

See, I've been studying communist brainwashing techniques for over 10 years now.

And the drug culture, too, Mr. President.

And it's my belief that if we don't do something to handle this situation very quickly, it could very easily get outta hand.

Well, you wanna know why the hell the communists are so against drugs?

It's because they love to booze.

Especially the Russians. I've seen it.

You talk about "out of hand."

And that's why communists and the left-wingers are clinging to one another, because they're trying to destroy us, Elvis.

I know, sir. Good, honest Americans.

They hate us.

They don't hate us, Elvis, they hate what we stand for.

I mean, you and me, we rose from nothing.

My pa worked in a grocery store.

Your father was a sharecropper, yes?

A whole slew of things, sir.

Well, I think we were both somewhat loners.

And look where I am today. And look where you are.

Well, a lefty sees that, and instead of wanting to walk in our footsteps, why, they get jealous.

It brings all their failures up bubbling right in front of their faces and, well, so, of course they react like caged animals.

Because that's what they are.

Just animals.

I know, sir.

And I want to help to stop it.

Well, I think that is just great.

Absolutely.

So, my boys were telling me something like a concert.

A telethon. A television special.

No, sir.

I want to go undercover.

Undercover?

Yes.

You want to be an actual...

I'm sorry, you want to what?

I want to be an agent-at-large.

You see, if I can get a Federal Narcotics badge it is my belief that I could protect this nation from sliding into anarchy.

Well...

I...

Let's say I could infiltrate a band or a hippie commune, as a spy or a double agent, something like that, only disguising myself as one of them, hiding my own true feelings.

Yeah, I'm not sure how...

Let's say The Rolling Stones, or the Grateful Dead or maybe even the Black Panthers.

Heck, I could probably slip from one group to the other without even being detected.

And then, just when they let their guard down,

I'd bust 'em.

I'd bust 'em all.

Of course, I would have to be so deep undercover so that no one would know it was me.

But in order for that to happen, nobody...

I mean nobody, can know about this on the outside.

Just a select few.

You, of course, Mr. President...

And maybe Mr. Hoover.

How much longer is this going to take?

Is there any way we can speed this up?

You want me to tell the President of the United States to speed it up?

How long does it take to get to the airport?

With holiday traffic?

An hour. An hour and a half.

Shit.

You got somewhere you need to be?

You could say that.

I'm supposed to be meeting my girlfriend's father for dinner.

I'm going to ask him if I can marry her.

Yeah. Right.

When I first started working at the White House, the guy that hired Chapin told me something I'll never forget.

He said, "Everyone should get married at least once."

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, in our line of work, the only ones with marriages intact are the ones in front of the camera.

And half the time those are just for show.

When you work on the world's biggest stage you gotta choose.

You know, I got in a motorcycle accident a couple years back in L.A.

A gossip columnist broke the story.

"One of Elvis' buddies gets in a motorcycle accident

"and breaks his pelvis.

"Good thing it wasn't Elvis."

Yeah. I carried around that article in my pocket for years.

Because it was the first time that me and him were actually mentioned in a magazine together.

I was actually proud.

So sad.

You know, I got a flight to catch.

I'll make you a deal.

Yes, sir.

We're both realists.

One hand washes the other, right?

I'll get you your badge.

And we'll have you meet with Hoover and he'll do whatever he does with all the undercover business, and so on and so forth.

Yes, sir. And in return for that...

Yep. Please, Elvis, may I get an autograph for my Julie?

My pleasure.

And...

A picture.

Well, sir, I don't know how I can be undercover...

We won't release it to the public.

Elvis, please. Help me out here.

Friend to friend.

I'll tell you what, Mr. President.

I'll take that picture if you'll take the time to meet my friends.

It sure would mean the world to 'em.

Where are they?

Right outside. Well, let's get them in.

Krogh!

Three, two, one...

Now I believe Elvis would like to get his badge.

I'll make the call right away, Mr. President.

Gonna get my badge, Mr. Cougar.

Had to slam The Beatles to make it happen but they'll never know.

I have to go. I'm sorry, they already said I won't make my flight.

Jerry, you gotta stick around and see me get sworn in, man.

I'm sorry. ...arrange for Mr. Presley to be sworn in at his hotel room at 3:00.

Would 3:00 work for you, Elvis?

That would be just fine, Mr. President.

Elvis. I'm leaving.

Don't you want to see this badge?

Mr. President. Could you excuse us for one moment?

Okay.

Mr. President.

Jesus, Jerry, you're embarrassing the hell out of me, man.

What gives?

A badge. Yeah.

I get it. You want a badge.

Congratulations. You got it.

But now I gotta go home.

Well, let me ask you something, Jerry.

What exactly are you rushing home for?

My life. Charlotte.

I'm going to ask her to marry me.

Jerry, that's fantastic.

Yeah. That's fantastic, man.

Hey. Hey, I'll tell you what.

Charlotte likes horses, right?

I'm going to call her up and give her the good news myself.

I'm gonna buy you guys a ranch right outside Memphis.

You know you don't need to buy my friendship, right, 'cause I am your friend.

I don't need your cars or your rings or your mansions.

I love you, E.

Not the thing.

The person.

But I have to go home.

Okay?

Yeah, I get it.

You know you got this, mister.

Excuse me, Mr. President?

How long does it take you to get to the airport?

Well, I don't...

The motorcade can get us to National in about seven minutes.

There we go then.

We can set my guy up with that, right, chief?

He needs to get back to his girlfriend, you know how it is.

We absolutely cannot have a civilian in the transport...

Chapin, shut up.

It never hurt a man to bend the rules a little bit.

Yeah? Get this one an escort to the airport.

I'm done with that.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, sir.

By all means. Thank you.

I'll walk you out, man. Pardon me, Mr. President.

What in the good God is going on?

I don't know, sir. Jesus Christ, get me Henry.

Yes, sir.

I have to make a classified call...

Maybe you could... Yes, sir. Yes.

Thank you.

What are you, a fucking potted plant?

You really are a six, Jerry.

Sixes can be tenacious in achieving their goals.

Stubborn, until they become deeply attached.

In which case they are a devout slave to those they love.

They also make friends more easily than any other number.

With the exception of five.

That's dead-on.

What does it say about eight?

Oh, boy.

Eights are invariably misunderstood.

Can be quite lonely at heart.

A deep and mercurial nature.

Great spirit of individuality.

And can play an important part on life's stage.

Although one that is usually fatalistic.

Or as an instrument of fate in the lives of others.

Merry Christmas, six.

Merry Christmas, eight.

Yeah, well, I can't make that decision until there's evidence...

I've got to go. I'll call you back, Henry.

Well, it has been a pleasure, Mr. Presley.

And it's a great thing to know that we have allies in the entertainment community.

You made the right choice, sir.

And I swear, I will do whatever I can to uphold the law, Mr. President.

Well, it means a great deal to us that you're so willing to lend a hand.

Thank you, Mr. President.

And now, as a small token of my appreciation, I would like to present you with a gift.

Sonny?

Those dudes took it, boss.

Those rent-a-cops out front.

You mean the Secret Service. Yes, sir. They got it.

They've got his gift.

Would you go find it, Chapin, and bring it back?

Yes, sir.

Mr. President, you know any karate?

No. I have to admit I don't know any karate, no.

Well, it's not just about self-defense.

It's about self-control.

Mind and body discipline, you know.

Would you like to see a demonstration?

Well, I think we probably have to...

Sonny.

All right, where should I...

No, you just back up, Mr. President.

Fumikiri!

Mawashi-geri! Mawashi-geri!

Now, what I basically just said is that I'm going to engage him in a fumikiri, which is like an upward thrust to the jaw followed by a high kick, which most likely in real life would render the recipient unconscious.

Sonny, come on.

That's how you could take down your opponent in the Shotokan style.

Well, that is very impressive.

That's how I learned to develop these knuckles of steel.

Hey, come on, feel them.

All right, now slap 'em.

Slap 'em. Come on, harder.

Harder. Let it out. Let it out.

Those are the steel claws of a tiger, Mr. President.

Mr. President.

Thanks, boss.

Let me just check this is clear.

Already clear.

Okay.

Fantastic.

This is a chrome-plated, World War II commemorative, Colt model 1911, semi-automatic, .45-caliber pistol.

The 1911 is a model of power and reliability.

And designed by the great John Moses Browning himself.

Wow!

I'm sure I don't have to tell you, this is a standard issue side arm of the United States Armed Forces and, well, is my preferred weapon of choice, too, sir.

What is the engraving there, on the side?

This is a real collector's piece, sir.

You see, it says "December 11 th, 1941 to May 7th, 1943."

That is in commemoration of the European, African, and Middle Eastern theater of operations.

Well, that's when I was there. '43.

I know, sir.

That's why I got it for you.

And these here are the...

Well, that's where the silver bullets are supposed to be.

I suppose the Secret Service took care of that.

Well, this is an incredible gift.

And I am so grateful that you have gotten this for me.

Thank you very much. You're welcome, sir.

I tried to present Vice President Agnew with a very special side arm as well.

But he refused.

Well, that surprises me.

Yeah. Well, he said because he's an elected official he wasn't allowed to accept gifts.

But that he would be glad to accept it once he left office...

Excuse me, Mr. President.

Yeah. Good job.

Well, I suppose I should be getting ready for my shindig.

Well, it's been an absolute pleasure, Elvis.

Thank you, Mr. President. You as well.

Mr. Presley.

To Julie.

Julie.

What's the matter, the other one don't like me?

She likes the Beach Boys.

The Beach Boys.

Good Vibrations.

You want one too, Bud?

If you don't mind, Mr. Presley.

Of course.

Thank you.

No sweat, man. Sonny.

Sayonara.

Good day. I like him. Let me see that.

"Cool cat."

You guys think I'm a cool cat?

I like it. All right.

Get me Henry on the phone.

You know, I've told him 1,000 times, we have to wear them down.

We just wear down, and this whole goddamn thing between the Iraqis and the Syrians will go away in a couple of weeks.

Go on, go on. For God's sake.

On my honor... On my honor...

I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character or the public trust.

I will never betray my badge, my integrity, my character or the public trust.

So help me God.

So help me God.

Thank you, sir. Congratulations.

Well, sweetheart, I'm glad you like it.

Yeah, no, he was very nice.

Yes, very well-informed.

Well, perhaps your dad is cooler than you'd like to think?

Damn it.


Yeah, I guess I'm back.