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Iqbal, order up! Hey!
Hey, did Humera get that promotion yet?
The boss is gonna think about it. It's looking good.
Lon. Lon. Lon!
Jimmy Buffett. Who?
Crikey, is it time to close this bitch or what?
We got about another hour.
Lon, you ever thought about getting the laser eye surgery?
They say only about one in 1,500 people don't see results.
That's a risk I'm not willing to take.
Mom, can I get this? No, honey, it's too expensive.
Please. But I really want this.
Actually that's 40% off. Open box policy.
Today's your lucky day, buddy. Wow, tell him thank you.
Hi, Zack. Hey. What's up, Semi?
My mom made you some blueberry muffins.
Oh, what a sweetheart.
That is where you get your charm from, isn't it, Semi?
I guess so.
Not this month, Zack. Not this month.
It's anal, dumb-ass.
Anal? You do?
Since when are you in the business of asking me questions?
This is cashier number one.
Tell Zack he's messed with the bull one too many times.
The bull's in the china shop.
I am the bull, he is the china shop.
My uncle had a bull. Big cojones.
Jorge's uncle had a...
Do not speak to me when I am on-line.
Hey, man. Looks like you're in trouble, guy.
Let's just focus here, okay, Russell? Let's look what we got here.
My dented deviled ham for your crushed bread and broken peanut-butter-and-jelly jars.
Wait a minute. PB and J, that's like gold, man.
Deviled ham is almost a spiritual meal.
Okay, fine. You're on.
Well, let's go then. Let's go.
One, two, three! One, two, three!
Paper covers rock! All me! Damn.
Cameron, bag up my stuff for me. I'll take that.
Now, that's not part of the deal, guy. Heads up.
It smells like ass.
Have you seen Zack? No?
Well, I bet if he were covered in chocolate and had a nougat inside, you'd know exactly where he were at.
That your pen? I don't know.
Well, where did you get it? I don't know.
Who gave it to you? I don't know.
Is your name Semi because you're the size of a huge Mack truck, or because you're semi-retarded?
I don't know. Idiot.
Attention Super Club shoppers. We're closing in five minutes.
So if you could please finish in five minutes, that would be great.
There you are. You're in deep, homes.
He does not do anal. That's too bad for you, Jorge.
Do you know what this is?
Yes. That is a 10-times-larger-than-life replica of your penis.
Oh, that's hilarious.
I realize that you don't care about your job, but I do.
And I want to thank you for caring about my job, really.
My job, jerk-off.
You know, it's funny. For the past 10 years, I've been climbing the Super Club food chain, as planned.
But you, you haven't moved at all.
I'm almost at the top.
It goes manager, section manager, head cashier, cashier, stocker, clean-up crew, night clean-up guy, and lastly, box boy.
That's what you are. That's me.
Yeah. That's why you can't come into the cashiers' lounge.
You know, after all this time, you'd think you'd understand that you're the lowest of the low.
Yeah, the lowest of the low.
Aren't you a box boy, too, Jorge?
Oh yeah, but he's my box boy.
Yeah, I'm his box boy.
Your love for him concerns and confuses me.
You listen to me, jerk-off, and you listen well.
Chill, boss, it's Glen. Mr. Gary.
Mr. Gary. Hey, what do you say, boss-man?
Good evening, gentlemen. Meeting in 60 seconds, and I've got big news.
Thanks for being prompt.
Well, we got the call from Corporate, and it's official.
Today Vince broke the check-stand speed record and has been officially recognized as the fastest in the southwest region.
Needless to say, you've earned this one, Vince.
Dirk, go ahead. Put the star up.
Congratulations to Vince, employee of the month for 17 months in a row.
Yeah. Yeah. He always wins.
As most of you know, if Vince gets to number 18, he'll go into the hall of fame, he'll be put on the fast track for management, and he'll win a brand-newish 2005 Chevy Malibu!
Yeah! All right!
I realize that Vince has won the last 17 in a row, but hey, it's anybody's ball game.
And I like to encourage everyone to compete.
A little extra effort could earn you a star. It really could.
So grab a broom, help a lost customer, pick up a spill.
Don't be afraid to go above and beyond.
I welcome all challengers.
"I welcome all challengers."
I am so proud of you.
Well, nobody has ever been to the magic 18 before, so this is a really big deal, people.
The store will close early on the 30th for a special banquet award show.
Now, it'll be semi-formal and mandatory, which means church clothes, please, everyone.
Mandatory? It'll be fun to dress up.
Corporate will be there and we need everybody to be at your very best behavior.
Sorry, sir. Why'd you do that?
Lastly, we'll have a new cashier joining the team tomorrow.
Her name is... Amy Renfroe.
So please make her feel welcome.
Yeah, let's give her a warm Super Club welcome.
Super Club! Super Club!
Yeah, Super Club. Super Club.
Thank you, Vince.
All right, everybody, be safe out there.
Now, don't forget to sign-up for the softball game against Maxi-Mart, 'cause we need players.
How could you do that?
Hey, guy, we're headed over to the Steaksmith for a drink. You in?
No. I'm having dinner with the old lady tonight.
Need a lift?
Where's that beautiful lady of mine? Right in here. I'm on my last Scratcher.
Grandma, I think it's time that you invest in something a little less speculative.
You really think I should take financial advice from you?
What have we got here? Okay, pay attention.
Where's it going? What's that?
Oh, Lean Pockets. Somebody takes care of themselves.
Oh, well, now, I refuse to believe that's not your natural hair color.
Oh, stop it!
Oh, that's a lot of lotion.
Somebody's gonna pamper themselves tonight.
Maybe I will.
Your total is $69.60... Just kidding, $24.08.
Oh, gosh, did you get these here at Super Club?
Oh, they smell wonderful. They really do.
Look at them. Like moths around a dim yellow bulb.
Yeah, he's like Cirque du Soleil over there.
Oh, the Zumanity.
Anyone can do that. Anyone could do that.
Okay, and you've been employee of the month how many times?
He's got a point.
Wait a second here.
You have no idea how much planning and energy it takes to keep such a low profile, okay? It's practically an art, what I do.
Zack, boxes needed at checkout four. I'm on it.
Hey, guys. Hey, what's up, Semi?
Do me a favor. Can you bring some boxes over to checkout four?
Yeah. It's quite an art.
Now, that's art.
She is totally untouchable.
No, she's hot, but every girl's got a vulnerable place.
Yeah, it's called the dingly.
I'll see you guys later.
Hey, Zack, don't forget Sasha... Tasha... Mikhal has soccer practice at 11:00.
You're covering for me. Got it.
Excuse me, do you have a membership card?
Sir, I work here.
Really? What's going on, Joe?
This lady doesn't have a membership card.
Oh, I'll take it from here, bro. Yeah, go to it, Zack.
Listen, I'm gonna let you pass this time, but next time you might want to use the "my dog ate it" excuse.
Maybe wear an eye patch or something.
Because nobody's gonna believe you work here.
No seriously, it's supposed to be my first day. I just transferred from 232.
You're the new cashier? I'm Amy.
I'm sorry. I didn't... It's okay.
Nobody would believe... 'Cause you don't look like you would...
I tried to tell him, but he wouldn't listen.
Yeah, he gets a little stubborn sometimes.
You give a guy a badge and suddenly gets this false sense of power. ...a false sense of power.
Jinx, you owe me a Coke. Jinx, you owe me a Coke.
No way. No way.
Check stand number one. Head cashier, Vince Downey.
Vince Downey? I've heard of you.
You have the fastest hands in the southwest.
8.9 pass-through rate, huh?
Oh, boy. Well, I guess my reputation has preceded me once again.
It's actually 9.1, now that I set the southwest regional speed ring competition record.
That's amazing. I'm Amy Renfroe. Oh, wow. Renfroe.
Is that Nordic?
I don't think so.
Well I was just judging from your Romanesque stature.
I assumed you were from Nordica.
Nordica, that's just north of Timberland, right, Vince?
Oh, he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke.
I see you met Zack. He's one of our box boys.
Yeah, he's in charge of the boxes.
Box boy? Well, more of a Zack of all trades.
Zack, we still need some boxes at check stand 10.
So many boxes, so little time.
You know I just started my break. I'd love to show you the store, if you'd like.
Oh, my God. That'd be great. Yeah, let's start off in the cashiers' lounge.
Okay. Nice to meet you, Zack. Nice to meet you too, Amy.
Wow. That's got to hurt.
Man, he is always doing that to you. Stealing your thunder.
Remember the redhead in Gardening? Bonked her behind the monkey grass.
And the Asian in Automotive. Did her on a pile of carburetors.
Oh, and the blond in Frozen Foods with the "Turkey's done!"
You remember her? Yeah. But it ain't over yet.
Russell, I need all the 411 on Amy Renfroe. She's the new cashier.
And I need that stat. Yeah.
On it. Good.
Lilly, Daddy's coming home.
Pleasure doing business with you.
Come on, guys, let's respect the sanctity of the clubhouse.
How's that B-52 coming along? Oh, cherry.
Hey, guy, I got the 411 on your little Aphrodite.
I made some calls. Got a buddy on the inside.
Cost me a dented cheese pallet, but I got the scoop.
All right, come on, come on.
Apparently she requested the transfer due to some romantic issues.
Okay, what kind of issues?
Well, I think she has a thing for the employee of the month.
Yeah, that picture goes up on the wall, she slides into the sack like a singed koala looking for an all-night burn center.
No shit. Yeah.
You know what? I don't believe it.
I know this. We had a moment.
Well apparently your girl's having another moment.
Let's go. Let's go. Oh, boy.
The bad news, you got carpel tunnel.
Check it out, guy. He's the alpha male of the store.
Chicks always go after the alpha male. They're like lions, kings of the desert.
And you, you're just a little, tiny field mouse dangling in the teeth of the lion, while he's banging your chick.
No, wait a minute, box boy.
You're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy field mouse, swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick, going back...
Your metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up, please.
Just going back and forth, hairy Kalahari-style, in and out with his big...
Pete! Discovery Channel...
Well, fine. I'll win employee of the month.
What? Come on. Seriously, how hard could it be?
Oh, you're kidding, right? You know, you can't ever be late, ever, at all.
Easy. And you can't get any complaints, guy.
Yeah, but you also have to... Go above and beyond...
...with your job description. Go beyond... ...and use your job description.
...the duties of your job. Way above.
I'm serious, you guys. I'm gonna win employee of the month.
Having fun? I hope you wore protection.
You know, maybe you should listen to your loser buddies, okay?
You ain't got a shot. Okay, who's calling me a loser?
Easy there, Hubble Telescope. No need to get physical.
No, I'm serious. I can't see who's calling me a loser.
Well, I'll give you a hint. He waxes his forearms, and he lost his virginity in the Boy Scouts.
Uncle Donny? Perhaps you've forgotten, I have the fastest check stand in the southwest region.
I'm gonna obliterate the employee-of-the-month record.
Obliterate it, boss. You're a dink.
You will not stand in my way.
Bring it. I'll bring it, 'cause game is on.
And someone's going to get hurt. But the someone is not gonna be me.
That means you, man.
I am the boss and I get the last word. Damn it.
All right, boss. I'm sorry. Jorge, shut up.
Okay. God damn it!
He's going down. I'm gonna win.
Hey, Grandma. Gram, come here, check this out.
Remember this guy? Yeah. Didn't he have his own place?
I love you too, Grandma.
I was just warming it up for you, boss.
You wanna see what gets me warm, Jorge?
It's sweet. Is it leather?
Oh, no. It's pleather. Way better.
It won't fade or crack with age.
Hey, come on, stay off the glass.
So what are you gonna do with your set of wheels?
Sell, most likely.
How much? I don't know.
It's probably going to be a multi-bid situation. Are you interested?
Of course. It means the world to me.
I'm gonna think.
Hey, good morning.
Good morning, Super Club people.
Zack Bradley just punching in on the bright.
Extra effort. Doing it the Super Club way by getting here nice and early.
And I'm punching my very own on-time indicator.
Holy crap. You're really serious about this?
I told you I could do this. I can do this.
Here you go, Sam. Boxes, Mike. All you. Here you go, Nick.
Hey, what's up, Amy? Hi.
Do you need any more boxes?
No, thank you.
Okay. Well, listen, if there's anything else you need, I'm gonna be here...
Five minutes or I'm buying!
Like I said, five minutes or I'm buying.
And ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three two, one!
See, you can't beat a guy like that.
Yes, I can.
He'll take care of that. I got to take my union-mandated break, so, next show in 15 minutes.
You ready to do this? Yeah.
Eagle Eye, this is Brown Trouser. We are go. How?
Eagle... This is Brown... Brown Eye. It's a go.
Clean-up on aisle 313.
You've gotta be kidding me!
Not today! Oh, yeah. It's today, Vince!
No way, Zack! I got it!
I almost had him.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Here you go, Zack. If you pass out, you call 911.
Let me guess. Vince?
You know I can't say. You know the rules.
Looks like it's gonna be harder than you thought.
Not to worry. I've got 29 more days to leave a mark.
Looks like you already have.
Hey, don't forget. Party at my house tonight.
Ain't no party like an Iqbal party.
Amy, hey. Hi.
How you doing? Good.
Listen, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go to this party tonight.
I know you don't know a lot of people. There's gonna be a lot of people there.
It might be kind of cool if you want to go with me.
Oh, I actually have dinner plans with Vince.
Oh, well, that's cool. That will be good. It'll be fun.
I gotta go to this thing. Going to be a lot of friends and stuff like that.
I don't have to go, but... I mean, I do, but...
I guess I'll just... I'll see you later. All right.
And where's he taking you? Steaksmith?
All right, my break's over, so I'm gonna get some more water.
Gotcha. It's free in there.
Do you want some? Water?
No. I don't want any water. I'm good.
Okay. All right. All right. All right.
Bye. I'll see you later.
Enjoy your water.
Oh, hey, boxy lady. Are you looking for your lounge?
I think it's over there.
Yeah, over there.
Excuse me. How can I help you?
I dropped my glasses off this morning. Are they ready?
No. Isn't this "Glasses in an Hour"?
No. This is "Glasses in About an Hour".
So when can I pick them up? In about an hour.
Are you staring at my breasts?
I don't know.
Vince! Hey, what's up, man?
There is a massive rumor going around that you have a hot date tonight.
As a matter of fact, I do. With Amy.
Nice, man! Yeah.
Whoa. What is this? Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You hitting the gym?
Yeah, I'm hitting the gym. I like to do some core work.
Doing some squats? Yeah, I do. I squat it out.
Wow, it is working. What is that, pecs? Doing some of that?
Okay! Just lay off, buddy.
All right. Okay?
Listen, I'm going to tell you something. You probably already know, but first dates are so important, you know? It's really crucial that you make an amazing first impression. I know you know that.
Are we through here?
That's it, man, just have a good time tonight.
You are working out.
Jesus Christ. Where the hell are we, Chuck E. Cheese-istan?
How many kids you got there, eight balls?
Just 22. So, whose birthday is it anyhow?
Whoever blows the candles out first, they get the presents.
Hey, Zack, that employee of the month thing isn't really working out for you, is it?
What the fuck?
Come on. Come on, you guys.
I think it's great. There's honor in a good day's work.
There is no honor working in that black hole.
Think about it, guys.
We could be working over there at Maxi-Mart, and that place really sucks.
Pass me the chips there, eight balls.
Plus, I hear they make you wear those house-arrest ankle-bracelet things, the dog collars, on your ankles.
So they know where you are all the time, and if you leave the main floor you get a little shocker.
I knew a guy in upper management, man, went crazy.
Strapped one of those things around his hairy ball sack, ran out into the parking lot and blew a $3 Hawaiian wonder cooler all over the place.
Knocked a little Korean kid right out of his shopping basket.
Oh, speaking of $3 Honolulu wonder coolers, isn't Vince going out with Amy tonight?
Yes, yes, he is. But that could prove problematic, since I have his wallet.
You want to get some pizzas and some hookers?
I mean, why climb Everest when you can set a land speed record?
That's my goal. Here you go.
I must have forgotten my wallet in my other car.
Oh, well, for the fastest checker in the southwest, it's on the house.
Wow. Thanks, Sandy, that's really nice of you.
Are you kidding me? A freebie is the least I can do.
You know what, how about I go get you a dessert menu?
Oh, that'd be great, huh? Dessert.
She's one of my regulars on check stand one.
Wow, your customers seem to really like you.
You know, I care. Maybe that's my downfall, but I think it's important.
Wow. Those are amazing. So big and inviting.
Supple. Are they veneers? Is it a porcelain?
Oh, they're mine.
It's like you have ivory smuggled in or something.
It's intoxicating. I'm intoxicated by it.
Well, that was a good evening, huh?
Yeah, it was great.
It's nice and early still.
You're not going to go to bed now, are you?
Yeah, I think so.
Okay. Okay. You sure?
Going once. Going twice.
Going three times. Okay, here we go.
All right, good night. Good night. Okay, all right, okay.
Yes. See you at work, kitten.
Hey, Vince. Zack.
Oh, I found your wallet in front of the herpes medication.
Wanted to get that back to you.
Yeah, I was probably shopping for your Christmas present there.
I don't know if you want the stuff that was in it, but...
Oh, hey, Zack.
My date last night with Amy, it was spectacular.
I mean, she is a good kisser.
Hey, good luck getting one of those gold stars.
You got a little schmaltz or something right...
I don't buy it. Well, I wouldn't lie to you, it's a lot.
I don't fall for jokes.
Okay. Just right there. Just one... Okay.
I didn't fall for that.
Wow, I really love this song. Oh, it's the best.
Ten grand, huh? Oh, yeah, it's a steal.
This is the car that started it all. And I got low miles. It's only got 33,000.
But you told me you flipped it, twice.
Exactly. 233,000. All highway.
That's nothing for an '81. She runs like a top. Totally mint.
I'll tell you what. If you can find this particular model with these low miles for less money, buy it.
Don't think about it, buy it.
Can I take it for a spin? No.
Well, can you give me a ride home later? No.
Can you give me a ride to the bus stop? Absolutely not.
Well, can I stay here with you and listen to the rest of the song?
Hey, Zack. Oh, Sustan's got soccer practice at 11:00. Can you cover for me?
You got it. You're a pal.
Hey, fellas. Hey.
Can you be on the lookout for a little boy in a red shirt? He's really lost.
Vince know about this yet? No.
Okay, could you keep this on the QT for, like, two minutes?
I guess so.
That's probably him.
I'll check it out.
Come on! Yeah!
No unauthorized use of the equipment! You want a piece of me?
Get away from the machine! You'll never take me alive!
Relinquish your weapon! Bring it, bitches!
Oh, that's nice.
Oh, no! You were hit by a ricochet.
I brought it, bitch.
Oh, thank you. Let's go. Mom!
Hey, Zack, I brought you the small pack.
Hey there, Mr. Gold Star.
How are you, bright smile? Good.
I guess I'm gonna to have to crank this up a notch.
I know. I know. I missed drinks last night.
I'm not here for that.
I came outside to pass gas.
Man, this employee-of-the-month thing is a lot harder than I thought.
Maybe you should just do it for yourself, for your pride, and the rest will come, including the girl.
The universe always has a plan, Zack.
Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.
Hi, do you need some help with that? Yes, thank you.
It's for my husband. Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.
Oh, he's not dead. Not yet.
It's just too good a deal to pass up.
Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?
No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me.
I'm gonna make him load it.
Well, good luck murdering your husband.
If you need my help, holler.
Excuse me. Yes?
That young man is wonderful.
I'll be back for sure, just because of him.
Oh, that man there? No surprise. No.
This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.
Well, thank you.
May I help you find your way to your car?
I know where it is, idiot.
Hey, Vince. What, they kick you out of the cashiers' lounge?
No, just here to watch as I get ever closer to victory.
Five more days and I seal the deal. Once I get to 16, it's over.
Your math skills are astonishing, Vince.
All right, here he is. The man of the hour.
Soon that Malibu will be mine.
Hey, what... Give me this.
Okay, you've made a big mistake.
No mistake. Zack has shown a real improvement over the last week.
Come here. Oh, yeah.
Oh, no. Vince, not now.
Hey, you gotta listen to me. Vince, I can't talk to you right now.
I'm on the board, come on!
You the man. Yeah.
Wow, Zack, you got a star. Fantastic.
Oh, that's nothing really.
Nothing? What do you mean, "nothing"? We should be out celebrating.
Want to grab a drink after this? Yeah, sure.
I'm late shift, so why don't you pick me up around 9:00?
All right. Bye.
Holy shit. What'd I tell you?
The female lioness gets a whiff of that gold star, and just like that, she's crawling into your den of desire.
You think? Really? I got a gold star once.
No. No I didn't. Nice.
Pretty impressive how you snuck one in on me.
But don't get used to it. It was a fluke.
No box boy's ever won employee of the month.
You got to be the QB to win the MVP, baby. Can't be the punter.
Iqbal, hey. Just double-checking. We still on for tonight?
Yeah, sure, of course. I got you covered.
Thanks, man. You're a good friend.
Zacky, what do you want for din-din?
I can't. I have a late dinner.
With whom? A girl?
New girl at work. Cashier. Her name's Amy. She's very pretty.
Why, you look very handsome.
Amy's a very lucky girl. Thanks, Grams.
Maybe you should plant the seed tonight.
What? Plant the seed of love.
You know, when you get ready to kiss her, don't.
Because you mustn't rush things.
Take it easy, because then the seed of love will blossom into something beautiful.
And don't forget... Yes?
To wash your balls.
You're the best.
Buenas noches. Hey.
How about me, you and a bottle of wine?
I got a sweet deal on some tampered cabernet.
I actually have dinner plans with Zack tonight.
Zack? The box boy, Zack? Yes.
Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
That's awesome. Where's he taking you?
I don't know.
I'll see you around. Yeah. Awesome.
It's like... Smell so good, now, and I want to...
I wanna kiss you all over Now, that is some of the best chicken parmesan I've ever had.
Not a lot of people know about this place. It's kind of a hidden gem.
I won't tell.
Amy, could I offer you another box of Merlot?
No, thanks. Yeah. Okay.
So what's on this evening's agenda?
Okay, this evening's agenda, I'd thought that we would catch a flick, and before that, maybe take a few laps around the race track, play nine holes.
But we should probably get going if we're gonna catch the movie.
I don't think we're in any shape to be driving.
Don't worry about that, Amy. I've got it all taken care of.
Did you have restricted airflow when you were in the birthing canal?
Focus. If they're not at the Steaksmith, where do you think he took her? Think.
I don't know, bro. Her car is still here.
And I don't think he even has a license.
I'm clearly the driver.
You were supposed to provide intel. You have not done that.
Since the invention of the kiss, there have been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure.
This one left them all behind.
This is what we gotta do, okay?
You see the lamp post in the middle of the parking lot? Number seven?
You got to hit the ball, it's gonna bank off that post.
And if you do that, you win a free game.
All the way in the middle of the parking lot?
I'm gonna show you. No more questions. No way.
No more questions, just examples. Watch this.
No way. Yes way.
Holy shit! That's it! Yes!
Oh, my God, that's amazing! You spend too much time up here.
I've paid my dues, but it's your turn, go ahead.
All right, free game. Hit it off.
My head! My head!
Where did that come from? Shut up!
We're under attack.
This is an '81 Honda! How dare you!
You know, most guys I meet try really hard to impress me.
But there's something different about you.
It's my tongue.
Oh my! I know.
No, what I was trying to say is that with you, it's just effortless. Easy.
What about you? Drop-dead gorgeous, totally cool. How does that happen?
Most girls that are 9's or 10's, you know, can't even open a door for themself.
They have everything handed to them.
Not you. You're different.
And you seem to treat everybody the same. It's really nice.
Check this out. Okay.
You have huge ears. I know, right?
You have huge ears, Amy!
Gosh, I heard it all through grade school.
Dumbo. Baby New Year. Big ears.
Good thing I don't have a complex about it or anything.
I'm sorry. It must have been tough. It must have been tough.
I did go through a lot.
So should I... I should, like, whisper when I talk to you? I don't wanna...
Shut up! They're not bionic.
No, really, I probably hear even less because of all this hair.
Well, I like everything about you.
Come on, we have a few more stops on the agenda.
Okay. All right, after you.
Oh, you should work for the government in a think tank.
You call yourself my protege.
I guess I had you pegged all wrong. Really?
All right, well, what was your first impression of me?
That you were just that guy that has been skating by for the past 10 years.
Probably still lives with his mom.
Ouch, me? No. No, no, no, no. I do not live with my mom.
All right then, let me ask you.
Why are you still a box boy?
There is an answer to that. But...
No, it's okay, it's all right. Just listen.
Have you ever kissed a boy? No. But I have thought about it.
What is it? I've got bad news.
Well, spit it out, Dirk.
Apparently, your brother, Glen Ross, is on his way here.
He wants to do a quick audit.
Okay. Okay. That's fine.
We're fine. Right?
The only problem is that we just lost Janet on check stand three.
Her shift is about to begin. Where is she? Go find her.
Lost as in dead, sir. She passed away last night.
So, she's not coming in then?
I don't think so, sir.
Oh, God and Jesus. Rest her soul.
Call an emergency staff meeting. Now.
Don't lollygag! Yes, sir.
I've called you in here for two things.
First of all, the girl on check stand 13 has passed away.
Oh, my God, Mary's dead! I don't believe it.
Oh, Lord, why? Sir, it's Janet from three.
Sorry, I meant Janet on three.
Oh, thank God! Thank God.
But my big brother, Glen Ross, is coming in today to see how we're all doing. Corporate.
And, yes, he can be very intimidating.
But don't let him get to you. Do not let him get to you.
It's just his way.
So, we cannot let the lines get above 25 shoppers. Okay, people?
We really need everybody to just step it up.
That's impossible. We're short one checker and it's a Saturday.
Nobody panic. We are out of options, people.
I'll do it.
I'll work check stand number three.
Is that legal? Yeah. Actually he can, yeah.
Great, Zack. We'll toss you into training immediately.
You can't be serious. Yeah.
He will never be ready by next shift.
I mean, you can't just walk in off the street and do what we do.
It takes years and years of training. I mean, let's just let him perform a tracheotomy while we're at it. I mean, this is ridiculous.
I am up against a wall!
Hey, how you doing?
Are you okay, sir? I've never seen you like this before.
Well, you don't know what it's like, okay, to come home from school every day and have your big brother physically torture you, day in, day out.
It was awful.
Well, I'm sure he's changed, sir. No, he's worse.
He can be so emasculating. And I don't appreciate you siding with him.
I'm not siding with him. You just did.
I didn't, sir. Well, good.
Bigger smile. Make a note, old guy should be older.
Straighten that tie.
Get back to work.
Hello, sir, how are you? Nice to see you. Hi. How are you?
Check his receipt on the way out.
You, grab a rag now. Now!
Little brother. Hey, there.
Bend over. Like you haven't heard that before.
I really don't think that it's appropriate... Come on, get down here.
Please don't... Come on, get down here.
Please. Come on. Come on.
Who's your boss? Who's your boss? I am, aren't I?
You are. You are.
Good to see you! It's great to see you.
It really is.
So what brings you in here, so early?
I thought you were only coming in for the banquet.
I want to make sure you're running this place up to my standards.
I don't wanna have to get rid of my own kin.
Lines look a little long. No, no, no. Never more than 25.
Nice to meet...
Damn it! What the frick is going on?
I am going over your head. Vince.
I got two. Hey, Zack.
Here's your new cashiers' lounge card.
You just slide it in the machine and you'll get full access.
Thanks. Thanks, Dirk.
Slide 'em in.
They gave me one of those stupid cards with the slide thing.
Like I'd ever use that. Congratulations on the star, man.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
You can't tell the guys that I shop here, okay?
Because I'm pretty picky about what I eat.
Zack, honey, I can't seem to find the Smooth Move laxative tea.
Yeah, it's over in the disgusting section, Grandma.
You must be the big-eared girl.
This, Amy, is my beautiful grandmother. Nice to meet you.
I'll meet you outside. Don't be late.
Boy, is she smoking hot. Don't listen, right now, please.
So you don't live with your mom, huh?
I never said anything about my grandmother.
Now, can we please finish this conversation in organic vegetables?
Ten years ago, I had a start-up, a dot-com.
And I had a computer, I had a product, I even had a PO box at Mail Boxes Etc.
You? Come on. I know, right.
I was a hotshot straight out of college, and I thought I knew everything, but, boy, was I wrong. What happened?
Borrowed a lot of money to get it started, and then I lost it all.
People know there's a risk.
Except for my grandmother, who didn't have the money to risk.
That's why she kind of lives with me now.
After that I thought I'd do something with a little less responsibility.
You know, something that wouldn't jeopardize anybody's future.
Except your own.
Yeah, thanks, Dr. Phyllis. I get your point.
Zacky, what's my PIN number?
1-2-3-4, Grandma. Now we got to change it again.
Anyway, I got to get going. I'll see you later.
See you. Bye.
I'm a professional.
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two...
It's free then.
We're going to need some insurance...
That's not good. Yeah. Should I help him?
Yeah, go ahead. Okay.
Are you okay, Vince?
Am I losing it? What could she possibly see in him?
Well, apparently they have a lot in common.
And they even finish each other's sentences.
What? Where did you hear this?
Why haven't you told me about this? I knew it had to be something.
Everybody knows, home slice.
Well, I'm going to have to turn this up a notch.
Push, push, push. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Boss? I got it.
Save your energy.
Don't cry, okay? I'll cry for you, okay?
Get someone who speaks English.
Oh, hey. I didn't see you sitting there.
You didn't? No.
Oh, my God, we ordered the same thing. How serendipitous.
How are you? Good. It's all good.
All right, well, my break's over, so I'm gonna take off. Take a dump?
Excuse me? Nothing. I didn't say anything.
Are you feeling all right? All... Okay?
Jinx, you owe me a Coke or...
You can't talk till I... What?
It's a jinx. Bye.
Buy low, sell high. That's not what you were gonna say.
I'll see you later. See you later, alligator.
What are we gonna do then? My brother is gonna flip out.
You gotta find a place to put those pallets.
I've checked the entire store, sir. There isn't room available anywhere.
We can't afford to send these back, okay? It will kill our margins.
You don't have a big brother.
You don't know what it's like getting hit in the shins with a little cane.
I have a little sister, sir, and she can be very cruel.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
Hey, guys. How many pallets are we talking about?
Well, where the hell is he?
You know, we can't keep playing Texas Hold 'Em with three. It sucks.
Cashiers have different break times. Yeah, well, it sucks.
I think he's gone to the dark side, guys.
He wouldn't do that. It sucks.
There's only four people in the world that know about this place.
And I don't think either one of us did this.
So, who's the odd man out, huh? Sucky Zack.
He wouldn't do it on purpose, guys. This is his lounge, too.
What, is it Zack? Check it out, eight balls.
Tell me it's not Zack. I said it's him.
I knew it. He sucks ass.
Hey, what's up?
I have plans for tonight, if you're interested.
All right, I'll pick you up at your place at 9:30.
Okay, cool. Okay.
Hey, buddy, take a seat.
I won't bite. Come on.
Nice, huh? Yes.
Downright decadent. You know, the soda machine's free.
Yeah, yeah, I heard about that. That's amazing.
Please, have a drink.
Yeah, yeah, thank you. Thanks very much. Look at this, no dents.
Not in here.
Nice, huh? Cheers.
Look at us here, just a couple of soldiers on the field of battle.
Sitting here like a couple of old gay sailors.
What are we doing?
I'll tell you what. Let's, you and I, put our differences behind us.
You back off, I win E of M. I get my car. Malibu.
I get the girl, I get the promotion.
When they buck me up to assistant manager, I'm gonna do you a solid. I'll let you keep your job.
What do you say?
Thanks for the Coke.
Well, I've got something to say to you.
Nobody is going to stand in the way of me and my Malibu.
Not a wall of fire.
And as for butter buns, she's all mine. So you can forget about that.
And does Jorge know about her? Jorge's none of your business.
Who do you think she'd rather be with?
Some little lowly box boy who fell ass-backwards into a job title, or King Dick, head cashier and winner of the southwest regional speed ring competition?
Let me think about that for a second. Hmm. I would say...
The answer is me. Head cashier, smart-ass. I wouldn't be too sure about that, Vince.
I got bad news, bro. Game over. I'd watch my back if I was you.
"Were you." Watch out.
What the hell happened to our lounge, man?
I know what you guys are thinking, all right?
But I'm three days away from winning this thing.
I just gotta do what it takes, all right? Small sacrifices.
If I put some cheese up in the clubhouse, you guys got to suck it up for a little bit.
You know, it's just a temporary thing. You with me, yes?
Trust, is it right there?
This is what I'm thinking. At the end of this thing, if it goes the way I think it's gonna go, I'm gonna be able to get you guys into that lounge.
I know it. Cool?
I can see it. It's cool. All right.
You look nice. Thank you. So do you.
Clear. Come on. Come on.
Do you know the plan? Si. Got it.
What is that smell? It smells funny. I don't know.
Oh, God, did you fart? No.
Where did you get these pantyhose? I got it from my mom's gym bag.
Did you get them all? Si.
What are you eating? I don't know. It's like a salmon churro.
It's rancid. It's pretty good, homes.
What are you doing? There are no weapons in this mission.
I will not do time for you. I will roll over on you.
You said you were a Mexican, not a Puerto Rican.
Thanks again. I had a lot of fun.
Yeah, I did... Did, too.
I didn't know anybody really ever won these things.
Well, I've tossed a lot of dimes in my day. I bet you have.
Well, good night. Good night.
All right. All right.
Drive safely. Okay.
What? No! No! No! Shit!
Twelve minutes! Shit!
Oh, I love the smell of a championship in the morning.
Have you guys seen Zack this morning?
We haven't seen box boy Zack this morning.
Move. Move. Move. Coming through.
Too close. Too close.
Is that all you got?
Where's my card? Where...
Yes! It's over. Of course.
Mikhal's championship game is this Friday.
On it, Iqbal.
You are... Right on time.
Thank you, Iqbal.
It's a large item. I'll have someone bring it up.
It's a great shirt.
There you are. Radio.
Check stand one. We've got a bulk item.
"Piece o' shit Honda" on aisle 116.
Vince, I think you're gonna wanna see this.
Watch the stand for me, Jorge.
What kind of a sick animal?
God damn it. Someone get this down.
Is there a problem here? Yeah, that is my car.
No, no, no, I bought it. Here is my receipt.
The only thing that you own is that crazy Hawaiian shirt.
This is my vehicle.
Hey, I need to see a manager right now! Where is he?
Technically, if it's on the rack and in the system, we're required to sell it to him.
If we don't, he's threatening to write a complaint.
Fine. I'm sorry.
Sometimes third gear sticks a little. You gotta give it a little wiggle.
I... Oh, all right.
I can't believe you sold your wheels to that dude.
You promised. I had to.
And for $9,980 less than what you would have charged me?
If I didn't, he was going to write me up. One complaint, I'm out of the game.
I'm sorry, wingman.
I'm not your wingman anymore.
You can't be serious.
You're nothing without me. You're...
Yeah, baby. Read 'em and weep.
Looks like somebody's gonna need a ride home.
Well, well, well, 15 to 14.
You gave me a pretty good run back there, buddy.
But tomorrow is the last day.
When I step out onto that softball field, pop a couple dingers, it's going to be celebration time in my new Malibu.
Well, Vince, you know what they say. It ain't over till your mama sings.
Bad news, guy. Mama don't sing at all.
As you know, Corporate, a.k.a. My big brother, Glen Ross, will be attending the game.
So, it's very important to me and to all of you that we beat Maxi-Mart today.
And, since the passing of... Janet.
...Janet, we are in dire need and could really use an outfielder.
Anyone? Anyone. An outfielder, so...
Anyone at all? Some... Zack Bradley.
You're our guy. Yeah.
Okay. That's good. Yes.
Okay. All right. Everybody, be safe out there.
Wish me luck.
Hey, hey, Zack. What are you doing? I'm going to the softball game.
You were going to cover for me. Mikhal's game, remember?
I'm sorry, I can't.
But it's a championship.
I got it. You sure?
Yeah, I'm cool. You're a good friend.
All right, bud.
35, 36, 37, 38, 39...
Damn it. Why are our uniforms pink?
We accidentally washed them with the red socks.
Play ball. Super Club, take the field!
Take the field! Oh, no.
Seven, eight, nine... Dang it! We're short.
You know, I didn't mean that. We're... You know...
I meant, where is Zack? Please don't point the stick at me.
I'm gonna call Mom. Don't call Mom.
Look alive out there, for Christ's sake!
No batter! No batter!
Act like you've held a stick that big before. You know you have.
What do you call that?
I call that my best.
And I heard you out there, and I didn't appreciate it.
Just get back.
I'm out of here.
Renfroe, looking good.
Looking real good. Nice. Super good.
Put it in his curve tank, buddy. Come on.
Come on, Jorge. Come on, baby.
That's what I'm talking about, Zack.
Pull your head out of your ass, ump!
It hit the ground. The ball's no good!
That's right! Way to go! Yes!
This is baloney! Check the bat, it's corked!
Here we go, boys. We're down by a few. Only down by a few. We can do this.
Not in my house.
Nice, Glen Gary. Nice.
Yes, come on! Way to come back!
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.
Shut up, Mary.
Why won't you trust me?
What? Are you kidding me? I said you're out!
What are you talking about? Can't you hear me, you're out!
Iqbal, please report to Electronics.
Iqbal to Electronics, please.
Come on, guys, just got to hold them here.
You work for me. Get out there and get it.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Time.
What? Time out? Can we please respect the sanctity of this game?
Everybody take a knee. Hop down here.
Grab a knee, come on.
All right, we can win this.
And we can win this the Super Club way, okay?
And until today, I didn't even know what that meant.
In fact, I still don't, but I do know this.
We're a team out here. I mean, look at us.
Glen Ross, I thought you were going to be a stuffed shirt out here.
The way you took down that catcher, are you kidding me?
You're the balls, man! You're the balls and the taint.
You're that whole region.
And you, I don't even know you on a personal level, but you sign off on my paychecks. That's a good thing.
Amy, you're wonderful. Don't change a thing.
Glen Gary, you got us pink uniforms, yes, but, you know what? That's what unites us.
These uniforms unite us, because we are all pink on the inside, right?
Yeah, we're pink like vaginas.
Good guess, Vince. We're Super Club.
Where buying in bulk is what? Our God-given right!
Let's win this game! Yeah!
Come on, guys, two outs. We're up by one. We just got to hold them right here.
You all better get your umbrellas out because there's a storm coming.
Come on, Jorge, give it to them!
I got it.
Okay, people! Quiet down, everybody!
Let's get down to business. Okay.
Thank you, Zack, for coming through for us.
A sweet victory. Yeah.
Congratulations. Yeah, yeah!
Good job, Zack.
What this means is a tie for employee of the month, which has never happened before, ever.
Now, we've decided tomorrow at the banquet we're going to have a check stand ring-off. Winner take all.
Now back to work. Be safe out there. Nice job.
Thank you. Nice job! Nice job!
I can't do this alone.
I'm gonna need you.
Please. Come home.
I'm gonna need some time to think.
I understand. I do.
I'm gonna give you your space, homes.
I did it. I did it. I tied it up.
I tied it up. What's going on?
They fired him. Why?
Apparently, Action Media did a special on dirty electricity, and there was a mad rush on power strips while he was at Mogala's soccer game.
But I was... You were supposed to cover for me.
We had a deal.
Okay, now wait a minute, all right, I was taking your advice.
Taking pride in my work.
But that is a little bit harder when I'm taking pride in your work, too.
Wait a minute. Let me just say something. I think you've done enough, guy.
I can see right through you.
We're taking all the cashiers out to the Steaksmith. Come on, let's go.
You made me so proud out there today. Come on.
Look at him. No, don't.
He's at the big boys' table.
Didn't realize it was going to be such a competition for you.
You're like a skilled surgeon behind that register.
You guys seen his counter?
Not a speck of dust, not a single tool out of place.
I guess I can get a little anal. Actually, I hear he gets a lot.
Now, that's funny!
Hey, why don't we send the little lady to get some drinks?
I don't think that Amy appreciates you referring to her...
I'm talking about you, Nancy.
It's okay, I'll go. Thank you, sweetheart.
Hey, I read that girl's personal file.
I hear she only likes to go after the employee of the month.
What's up, fellas?
I don't know who threw the lime, but that was a good shot.
Check it out, Iqbal. Listen to this.
I know you got fired, but I'm getting in pretty tight with management now, and I think that I could turn this thing around.
That's it? You're in tight with management?
You used to be tight with us, with your friends.
You used to be someone we could count on.
Not anymore. I'm sick and tired of sticking up for you, Zack.
Yeah, what happened to you, man?
You're like the drummer from REO Speedwagon.
Nobody knows who you are.
You're becoming one of them. You're turning into Vince.
Wait a second. I am not like Vince. No, you're worse.
At least Vince isn't pretending to be an asshole.
But you, you're pretending to be one of them just so you can get into Amy's pants.
Step off, okay?
The Zack we know wouldn't have sold out his friends just because some slinky-ass blond tart would sleep with the employee of the month.
So, just step off.
Is that true?
Is that the blond tart?
Did she hear me?
Amy, Amy, wait. Amy.
You actually thought that I would sleep with you if you won employee of the month? Who told you that?
Your personal file.
So that's why you've been working so hard, huh?
No. Yes. Kind of.
I heard that, and then I saw you with Vince, and...
I thought you were different, Zack. Amy...
You want to know if I screwed the employee of the month at my last job?
No. Well, I did. But he was also my boyfriend, and a lying, conniving, asshole-user, just like you.
You employees of the months are all the same.
Why aren't you dressed for work? Isn't today the big day?
I quit. Why?
I screwed up, Grams. Amy hates me. My friends hate me.
Everybody's right about me. I'm a loser.
Well, you're certainly dressed for the part. Thanks, Grams.
You know that loser that lost all my retirement money?
Well, at least that guy actually tried.
I'll take the old Zack any day.
Wow, it's only been a day.
You look terrible.
Are the boys in there? Yeah. Guys.
What are you doing here, guy? Just hear me out, all right, guys?
I'm sorry for what happened, and I apologize for my behavior.
I forgot who my real friends are.
Iqbal, I talked to Glen and I gave my resignation.
I took full responsibility for what happened.
You got your job back.
I don't want the job back. What?
Turns out me getting fired gave Humera the courage to demand a promotion last night. I'm a stay-at-home Daddy now.
Can you believe it? I should be thanking you.
You know, Iqbal, you said something the other day, and you were right. The universe has a plan.
I'm going to win that competition.
And I'm not going to do it for employee of the month, I'm not going to do it to beat Vince, I'm not even going to do it for Amy. I'm going to do it for myself.
For pride. But I need you guys.
Are you with me?
We never went anywhere.
Yeah, but wait a minute, Zack. You just said you quit.
Yeah, that does pose a problem, doesn't it?
Hey, we got you covered, guy.
Nothing a little broken chocolate won't fix.
Hey, watch it.
I'll come back on one condition. Name it.
You give me full access to the cashiers' lounge.
It's good to have you back.
It just feels right.
You can do it, boss.
You know, we're like shampoo and conditioner, you know.
We're like ham and cheese. We're like bread and pumpernickel.
So, I heard about you and Zack. I am so sorry.
The guys who cut corners cannot be trusted.
But I want you to know something. I'm willing to fight to save our relationship.
I hope you are, too, because I love you.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go defend your honor.
Ladies and gentlemen, can I have your attention, please?
I have a sad announcement.
Zack Bradley quit this morning.
Yes! Come on!
So, it looks as if Vince is going to be...
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
No, he already quit, you said. And everyone heard and then...
Technically, the papers were never filed.
Oh, my goodness, you sold yourself for a candy bar?
Is that true? Is he still employed?
How could you?
Put that chocolate bar down and do your job.
Let's get this party started.
All right. Okay. Now we're talking. It's a virtual tie for employee of the month.
Today's work will determine the winner.
Now, we've placed the exact same amount of product in each cart, along with a curveball or two. Oh, it's gonna be fun.
So whoever has the fastest ring rate will win it all.
Juan, give me the gun.
Give me that.
Listen, I know you have every reason to hate me.
I lied, and I regret that, because I was that slacker who lived with his grandmother, and had everybody do his job for him.
So I wanted to apologize and I want to thank you.
Because if it wasn't for you, Amy, I'd still be that guy.
All right, let's do this.
Put it back.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. I need somebody to box for me.
Okay, you know what? I'll do it.
Come on. Come on, dingle eyes, take a left.
Hey, man. Thanks, brother.
Okay, everyone, be safe out there.
Let's go. Let's go. Come on. Go get him!
Go, go, go.
Come on, Zack.
Zack! You're doing a good job.
You're getting weak.
All right! Way to go! You are fantastic.
Vince, there's one more item.
Come on, let's go. Zack!
Watch out below!
Jorge! What? What?
Curveball. What to do?
No price-checking available!
Come on, get out of there, dude, go. Come on, guys.
Come on, run, run.
Open-ended cart! What do you do? What do you do?
Restock the shelves.
Be careful with the items.
Surrender, box boy.
Come on, guys, come on. Yeah, yeah. You got it.
Old woman in need of assistance. Bunion pads, please.
Here we go! Back to the registers! Let's go.
And the tiebreaker goes to Vince Downey!
Now, that's teamwork.
Man, you did your best, dude.
Be proud. You did great.
It wasn't enough. I blew it.
Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me. Well, never in the history of Super Club has anyone won employee of the month
18 times in a row.
But tonight, someone has.
The complaint box, please. Just to make sure.
Oh, there is something here.
"Super Club blows." That was close, huh, Vince?
Our champion and winner of a brand-newish Chevy Malibu, Vince Downey. Downey! Downey! Downey!
Thank you. You are such an inspiration.
And all of you, the little people that make Super Club the place it is. You're an ass.
You are the scaffolding on top of which I stand so high right now.
And you, Zack, you made it a race.
Thank you. But I won.
Excuse me, sir. I think there's something you ought to see.
Okay, big 'uns, why don't you go kill a couple of sandwiches there?
Go ahead, find your way back to the desert cart and graze a little bit.
Not right now, Semi. We're in the middle of something.
Surveillance footage of the competition, sir.
We're in the middle of a celebration. Okay, all right.
Well, he is very large.
This is unconventional. Listen. But I just want to recap.
I did some amazing things today.
Sir, watch this.
That's the kind of speed that won me the southwest regional competition.
I'm embarrassed, actually.
Sir, I'll rewind it again. But this time, watch the oats.
Well, what? I... Hold on.
Look at this one. What?
Watch the oats.
He tampered with it. I mean Zack clearly paid the retard.
It's a forgery.
Am I seeing this correctly? You see, sir, he didn't rung it up.
Not only did he cheat during the competition, he's been giving away free stuff all year long.
You see, I got the tapes to prove it, sir. What a ridiculous allegation.
Sir. He's right, sir. These are from the registers.
Same carts, same amount of items. Different totals.
You're the fastest, all right. Fastest criminal in the southwest.
That's why they call you Semi.
Vince Downey, you are a disgrace to me and to the Super Club chain!
I am not proud of you.
Get that scum out of here before I kick his ass myself.
Ladies and gentlemen, it looks like employee of the month will go to the runner-up, Zack Bradley.
Yes! Yes! Congratulations.
You've won everything.
That is wonderful.
Hold on, he's going in, he's going in. He's going.
Listen, I just wanted... Listen, I just wanted...
You go. You go.
So does this mean that you only go for the...
I guess you'll have to find out next month.
Are they kissing? They're kissing.
They're kissing, yeah. They're kissing.
I love this song. It's the best.
So, Maxi-Mart really makes you wear those things, huh, bro?
Maxi-Mart? No. Jorge, I am on probation.
I'm under house arrest.
I can't go more than a mile away from my home and/or work.
It's cool though, I'm out.
I gotta hand it to you. The car looks tip-top. It really is immaculate.
Hey, can I take it for a spin? No.
Well, can you give me a ride to... No.
How about a ride to the bus stop?
Jorge, blinks mean it's the border. No, are you going past...
All right, you got to let me out.
Jorge! Go back! Go back! We're past the mile. God. Jorge!