Entourage (2015) Script

Greetings from Martin's Movies


I may have to jerk it before we even get there.

Not near me, please. Let me see.

Who throws a party when his wife leaves him on their honeymoon?

Vince does. And why wouldn't he?

I hope that's what my next honeymoon's like.

Vince. Yo. Come in.

Hey. Your friends are here.

Really? I didn't think they'd come.

What?

Let them wait.

I just got out of a failed marriage. You're gonna have to give me at least a few hours.

Okay. A few.

Ha-ha-ha! Hey, boys!

Hey, baby bro. Welcome.

I told you guys you didn't have to come. We were in Paris anyway.

We wanted to make sure there wasn't a Natalie Wood-type situation.

I appreciate it.

E did hesitate when we asked him if he would help.

Jerk-off. We thought you were alone! I was.

Where'd you find the hotties? It's Ibiza. They found me.

Come on.

I like Ibiza, bro.

We'll be right back. Right back.

Nobody leaves.

Except you. You can go.

So, what happened? Just wasn't working.

After nine days? Sometimes you just know.

We all knew when you were saying, "I do." I know. I made a mistake.

It's not the shortest marriage in Hollywood. No. Britney Spears. Two days. I looked it up.

Thank you, Turtle. All right. So, what now?

Easy. We're gonna get it annulled. Trust me, it's all good.

And she agrees? She said it first.

I mean, we're lying there looking at each other, and we didn't have a thing to say.

Who does? And I'm thinking, "What did I do?"

And then she said it.

And then she just left?

No, we had sex first, agreed to be friends... went to sleep, and when I woke up she was gone.

She left this note.

What's it say? You're not gonna believe it.

"I read the script for your next movie. You're better than this."

They're doing another rewrite. I read it. She's right. It sucks. Let's get out of it.

It starts shooting next month. I know.

I realized I rushed into marriage because I'm searching for something.

Something meaningful.

I really need to do something different than anything I've ever done.

Yeah, me, too, bro.

Ari says he's got something.

Ari's retired.

Isn't he?

Fax? Fax.

I can't print, scan or e-mail because there's no Internet-o.

I need to get back to civilization.

Honey, can you take any longer to pack?

Ari, do not push me, or I'll change my mind again.

I wouldn't push her, Dad.

Vinnie Chase. Ari Gold!

Vegas odds had your retirement lasting longer than my marriage.

Well, good thing that I bet big against both.

You okay? Yeah, I'm okay.

And you? How'd you get the wife to let you go back to work?

Once she realized that she couldn't understand... what the Real Housewives of Milan were saying, she begged to go.

Ari. I'm not going back to work, Vinnie.

I'm going back to be the king of Hollywood, but I agreed to live by my queen's rules.

One of which is to leave my nutsack in the Mediterranean.

I heard that. Mm.

But we're all good.

Good. I hear you got something for me.

Something big. My first movie... as studio head and, boom, I want you to star in it.

Oh, yeah? How badly?

What do you mean?

Because I decided whatever I do next...

I also wanna direct.

Does he even know how to direct? Ari?

Ari.

Ari.


Even if you've never seen a Vincent Chase movie... chances are you've heard the name.

The 34-year-old has 15 starring roles on his résumé, including James Cameron's Aquaman... once the all-time box office champ.

Chase hails from modest roots in Queens, New York... where he was raised by a single mother, surrounded by a group of loyal friends.

Friends who still surround him today.

We caught up with Chase and his entourage on the set of his directorial debut, Hyde...

Who's he calling an entourage?

Not me. I'm a relative.

A modern-day retelling of Robert Louis Stevenson's classic, Jekyll and Hyde.

A film that some in the industry are now whispering was too expensive...

...to be put in the hands of a first-timer. Shut up.

Is that what people are saying? This is a big undertaking.

Well, it's not that big.

Though the sets are big.

The sets are big. Enormous, in fact.

No expense seems to have been spared in turning Hollywood streets... into a futuristic Los Angeles nightmare.

We wanted to surround Vince with the best people in the business...

...to make sure he was covered. That's Hyde producer Eric Murphy...

Chase's longtime manager and best friend since kindergarten.

But what exactly were his qualifications when Mr. Chase asked him to come on board?

I was actually managing a Sbarro's.

Sbarro's?

Yeah. The pizza place.

This pizza place, in fact. Nice pic.

Chase plucked Murphy away from a life of spinning pies...

I am gonna kill my mother.

And decided he was equipped... to help guide him through the treacherous waters of Hollywood.

What did everybody else think? Heh.

Well, my agent at the time, he wasn't too happy.

His agent at the time was none other than Hollywood powerhouse Ari Gold... who has since moved on from the agency business... and is now head of the studio that is producing Hyde.

You see it with pro athletes. You see it with movie stars.

They wanna share the ride with their friends. It makes it feel more real for them.

Were you okay with this? No, I was not okay with it. I hated it.

I found this kid off a Mentos commercial.

Really? Yeah.

I was watching TV with the wife, and I said, "This guy's a star."

Mentos. The Freshmaker.

And you were right. I'm that good, Piers.

It wasn't just Murphy Gold was forced to deal with.

There was Sal "Turtle" Assante, another friend from the neighborhood... who became Vince's driver.

I like to think I did more than just drive.

Yeah, he drove, he parked, he waited.

He also made a fortune in a tequila company...

That's a good line.

When Chase helped him gain access to billionaire Mark Cuban.

How much did he make?

He won't say. It's so annoying.

And that's Chase's half-brother...

Why's he gotta say that? I know. He should've said quarter.

...and actor, Johnny Chase. Victory!

You've probably seen him, he's been in just about everything.

Melrose Place, Pacific Blue, Law & Order.

And the recently canceled animated show, Johnny Bananas.

I can't believe you did this, Ronald. I'm so screwed.

And today, he feels he may have caught the break of a lifetime... as his younger brother cast him in what he describes... as "a small but pivotal role" in Hyde.

You came to Hollywood first?

I was the trailblazer. And then Vince followed?

With Turtle. They lived in my house rent-free for the first year.

But, as I understand it, you now live in Vince's house?

I'm 40 years old and could possibly get an Oscar nom this year.

Why the **** would I live at my baby brother's house?

I can't believe you cursed at Piers Morgan.

I can't believe he just said he might get an Oscar nom.

I'm just staying there till my roof gets reshingled.

So I got the pizza boy, the brother Fredo and a Turtle.

Yet, somehow this sort of weird collection of people, it worked.

It did. And the truth is, their blind loyalty to each other is kind of charming.

Some people say you have the same character traits.

I like to think of myself as loyal, but not blind.

Yet, many were surprised when you let Vince direct this movie.

Many people were surprised when someone let Mel Gibson direct Braveheart... or Kevin Costner direct Dances with Wolves. They both won Oscars.

But they weren't studio heads, handing ex-clients... directorial debuts at a time when the studio suffered its worst fiscal year... and without any tentpole franchise to bolster the hemorrhaging losses.

Listen, the year ain't over, and this is a franchise picture.

Right, but you are way over budget. Where'd you hear that?

Your neck is on the line, and so is Chase's. You've gotta be worried.

I don't worry. I just win.

I thought this was gonna be a fluff piece, Piers. No.

No. Okay, great. Well, why don't we turn those cameras off?

Is it hot in here? No, I'm good.

I got Ang Lee from the set.

Hey...

You okay?

I don't usually worry, either. What are you worried about?

The movie will be great. I'm not worried about that.

I'm worried about telling Ari that we need more money to finish the movie.

Isn't it the producer's job to tell Ari that? Seriously, E.

I'll call him tomorrow. You said that yesterday.

I'll call him. Fine.

So should we go out tonight? Definitely.

Yeah. I'm having a great hair day. I can't. I have plans.

With who? You don't know her.

Does your soon-to-be baby mama know her?

Drama, Sloan and I haven't been together for six months.

You haven't been with anyone else. Like you'd know.

Come on. Who's the girl? Her name's Melanie.

I've been seeing her a few weeks. A few weeks?

Jesus Christ.

This guy snuck into another relationship. It's not. I'm just having fun.

Fun is when you forget a girl's name while you're fucking her.

No wonder he has no time for business.

You know, we're almost 35.

He's almost 60. I don't have to answer to this shit.

Fine. Don't.

Yeah, she must be a pig.

Definitely.

You're amazing. You're doing all the work.

You're doing plenty. Oh.

Oh, my God. This could be it.

I'm sorry. I gotta take this.

Hello? Please tell me you're not still sleeping.

I've already run five miles and fucked like an adult film star.

I'm about to have a baby, asshole. I thought you were Sloan.

Speaking of, you were in my dream last night. I hope I wasn't naked.

Nope, your baby mama gave birth to Pete Dinklage.

You're not related to him, are you? Who is that?

You got a girl there, E? What do you want, Ari?

Big titties? Tight ass?

Give me something I can use in the office. I can hear you. You're disgusting.

And I have both. How do you do it, E?

I know it's not your looks or your personality.

Ari. Just one pic.

Come on. My wife didn't really fuck me this morning.

She gets headaches. Ari!

Hey, Thierry. Hey.

You gonna coach my son's team? I don't have time for that shit.

I love the honesty.

E!

When am I gonna see this movie?

I was gonna call you to talk about it. I don't wanna talk.

I want to watch a film.

It's not ready. When will it be?

Because important people are starting to wonder.

Important people meaning me.

Did I tell you The Jewish Journal named me "Best-Looking Circumcised Studio Head"?

Well, Vince still hasn't finished his cut. You've been saying that for a month.

Hold on. Do you have time for lunch today?

No, I can't. I got the doctor. Oh.

That's right. With Sloan.

Look, I know this is weird...

Eric! Yeah, uh, listen...

...how about Vince and I come and see you? See me? Why?

Something wrong? No, it's all good.

We're just gonna come by the office. You free? For what? What's wrong?

Uh, we need more money. Bye.

Don't hang... Did you hang up on me?

E, you fucking dwarf cunt!

What's a dwarf cunt, Dad?

I'm sorry. It's nothing, buddy.

It's a new movie idea I had. Don't use that word at school.

You were just on a run. How could you be so angry?

Work is not supposed to make you this angry anymore, Ari.

Yeah, Dad. I know. I know.

That was our agreement. Yes. I know.

Do we need to make a therapy session with Dr. Marcus?

No. I think that would be best.

Maybe.

Why are you so scared to show Ari the movie?

I'm not scared.

Should at least show him my scenes. It's not ready yet... which is why I need E to tell him that he can't see it until after the screening.

You really won't tell him? I told him about the money.

The only thing he'll do is scream at me. Oh, fine. I'll tell him.

Pussy. Speaking of which...

Wait till you see the girls I got lined up tonight. I told you I was handling the girls.

I know. But I would like to avoid some of the nursing home rejects from the last party.

I thought the screening was to get opinions on the movie, not to get laid.

Everything we do is to also get laid, E. You know that.

Fuck me.

Emily Ratajkowski. I love her.

I know her. Why wouldn't you?

Hey, Vince. Hey, Emily. How are you?

It's so funny to see you. I just got an invitation for your screening.

Really? Yeah.

One of mine, obviously.

Whose-ever. This is gonna be a great fucking screening.

Vince.

Uh, hey, Emily, I gotta run into this meeting. I'll call you later?

Yeah. Call me.

You're upset. "Upset"?

He means angry.

This is the third time that you've come to me for more money.

Ari, listen... I was talking to Vince, Eric.

I know they didn't teach you about budgets in spaghetti and meatballs class.

Vinnie has been on sets before, so I expected more from him.

Told you he'd yell at me. Yeah, but he's yelling about me.

What'd you spend the money on? I know it wasn't on Turtle and Craft Services.

Like the new svelte frame? You look like Karen fucking Carpenter.

What did I tell you when I gave you $100 million?

What'd we tell you?

You agreed to not go over. We told you it wasn't enough.

But you agreed to not go over.

Because you said I couldn't direct unless we agreed.

It's like when a girl asks if you wanna bang her hot sister.

Of course you say no.

Neither of you really believes you mean it, though.

What's he doing here? This is bad. When you see it, you won't think so.

He's seen it? He's seen a couple of scenes.

They are powerful. Yeah, a few in particular.

When am I gonna see it?

We're having a friends-and-family screening tonight.

We'll get some feedback, then show you the cut.

You're gonna let everyone see it but me.

Ari, you are all that matters.

I want it to be perfect when I show it to you. I can't just write you a check.

I gotta deal with these co-financiers in Texas.

Do you know how hard I have worked to avoid going to Texas?

You know what they do to Jews in Texas? I didn't take an acting fee... which you know is more than the 10 million over budget we are.

You're 15 over.

Really?

Okay, well, I didn't take the fee because I wanted to direct.

We've known each other for 15 years, you gotta trust me.

I didn't waste one single nickel. I've been killing myself to make this movie great... and I won't stop working until it is perfect.

I need the money to make it perfect.

So can you get it for me?

Hey. Hey.

Sorry I'm late. No, you're not late. You're on time, as always.

How you feeling? Big.

Well, you look great. Thanks.

Did you get my e-mail about my cousin Sean? He had his baby.

No, what did he have? A girl. Laurie.

Oh... I sent you a picture.

I think your e-mails are going to my spam.

It's not intentional.

Look. There she is.

Oh, my God. She's beautiful.

Look at those eyes.

Someone named Melanie wants your cock.

Huh? Yeah, it just came up on the screen.

"I want your cock." From Melanie.

Wow, that's, uh... Classy.

Sorry. It's not my business.

Sloan? Coming.

Okay, let me help you up. I will be right here.

Thanks. Okay. And I'll be in there. Okay.

This is some bullshit. Hey, Tip. How you doing, man?

Man, if I'm gonna have more kids than albums, I'm doing just damn fine.

You need to shut the fuck up. Don't tell me to shut the fuck up.

Shut your ovaries up. So it's my fault.

I'm gonna take this. I'll be right back.

Yeah, man. Call somebody who can kick me in my nuts. I need a vasectomy.

Hey. Hey.

Bad time? No, but you can't text me shit like that.

Shit like what?

You beg me to text you sexy stuff all day. I know.

But Sloan was looking at my phone. Oh.

I didn't realize you were at the doctor's already.

Why's she looking at your phone? I was showing her a picture...

...of my cousin's baby. Great.

Yeah, she must really think I'm a whore. No, she doesn't.

God, I only sent that because I was feeling insecure.

I didn't think anyone was gonna see it.

I know. I'm sorry.

This is really weird, Eric.

You were right. This is too weird. Could we talk about this at the screening?

No, Eric. I really don't wanna get in any deeper.

I think you're a great guy. I really do.

And I promise I'm not mad.

Just respect me, please.

Don't call.

All we're saying is we don't get why you fall in love with every girl you fuck.

And all I'm saying is that, unlike you...

I like to have more of a connection than whether I have exact change.

Please. I haven't paid for pussy in years.

At least a year.

The point is she said not to call her anymore. So respect that and see if she calls you.

But hope she doesn't. You got enough complications now.

Right. How's Sloan anyway?

Doctor says she's gonna pop any second.

One vagina closes just as another opens. You're disgusting.

Yeah, and you're a mope, E, which we can't have.

This is a big night for Vince, so try not to ruin it.

Don't worry. His moping has never affected me. I'm not moping.

You're moping, E. You need to get on top of something fast so you stop.

I had sex less than six hours ago. I think I'll be okay.

You're fucking something tonight. For baby bro, if not for yourself.

Holy shit. What?

Ronda Rousey, the fighter.

So what? So I love her. Get in the car.

Get in the car!

Jesus, Turtle! Sorry!

Do you even know her?

We met at Coachella a few years ago, remember?

Think we had a connection. Please.

He's got a better chance of fucking me. Or me.

Should I abandon this? Do you really think you had a connection?

Yeah. Then go.

You're good peoples, Vin.

Yo! Stop following me, motherfucker!

No! No! We know each other! I just wanted to invite you to my boy's screening.

Oh. Hey, Vince. Hi.

Uh, sorry about your car. It's all good.

Do you remember me? Oh, yeah.

But didn't you used to be really fat?


Lloyd. How many times have I told you...

...I don't video chat with men? You know how comforting your face is to me.

What do you need? I was wondering...

...if I would see you at Vince's screening. You were invited?

Drama wants me to see his scenes. You weren't?

I'm in Texas. Smell the cow shit?

Oh, that's too bad. I actually wanted to see you face-to-face.

We are face-to-face, Yoko. In three dimensions.

Why? Uh, no, it's nothing.

Could we have lunch this week? I don't typically have lunch... with my ex-assistants. Unless I need something... which I can't imagine being the case, so, what's up?

I'm getting married! Oh, God.

And I want you to give me away.

Oh, God! Please don't make a gay joke.

I wasn't going to. I was gonna make a marriage joke.

Now that you've been granted those rights, good luck with the divorce.

That'll really make you wish for a good ole ass fucking.

Ari. Heh-heh.

I gotta go. Wait!

Ari! Will you give me away? Bye.

Hey, Larsen.

Say, Ari.

This is my son, Travis. He's gonna sit in with us, if you don't mind.

Good.

Ari, we sure do appreciate you coming out here.

Oh, of course.

You've been on the job nearly eight months, and you hadn't paid us a visit yet.

We're beginning to feel unloved. Heh-heh.

I didn't know I was invited.

Anybody who spends my money like you do... always invited to my home to tell me why.

Saw you on Piers Morgan last night.

Oh, yeah?

What'd you think?

I thought you looked nervous.

Well, I wasn't.

Travis, here, got a real good eye for things like that.

And he said you looked like one of them guys that, uh...

What was it you said again?

Like one of those guys from big tobacco when they were up there lying to Congress.

Ah. Heh-heh-heh.

Well, my wife thought I looked sexy.

Ari, am I gonna lose a shit ton of money on this movie?

No. Your money's in great hands.

But you still want more. Just a little bit.

For some visual effects it needs. I don't care about visual effects.

Well, if you wanna protect your investment, you need to care.

Hm.

You know, in the last four years...

I've invested nearly a billion dollars in your studio's movies.

You know how many I've seen?

Mm-mm. Not a goddamn one.

Hm. But this one, I gotta tell you... with your movie star guy in charge, I'm damn curious.

I understand.

Ari, we need to see this before I write another check.

Larsen, my director... Your movie star?

Vince doesn't wanna show the movie till it's perfect.

He's an artist. I'd like to respect that. Okay...

You know, my wife has a $12,000 Chihuahua.

Three years running, it got "Best in Show."

The last judge said that he had the best cock and balls he'd ever seen.

But he ain't perfect. You know how I know that?

He keeps pissing on my boots.

I don't follow.

I mean there's no such thing as perfect.

Now, see, for you, I know this movie's enormous.

If it fails, you go down in flames quicker than the Hindenberg.

To me, this is just another check.

It won't fail.

I have to go to Dubai tonight on, uh, more pressing business.

I want you to take Travis here to La-La Land with you... and show him the goddamn movie.

It's not ready. Well, get it ready.

Because this oil spigot is shut off till you do.

You seriously asking if I'm taking PEDs? Yeah, I'm not saying I'm against it.

I just wanna know if you do, because I wanna get shredded for the Hyde junket.

No PEDs. I'm all natural. Prove it.

How? Take a piss test.

Fine, but if I pass, you drink it.

Guys. Did you know Emily was seeing Armie Hammer?

The Lone Ranger? I thought they broke up.

Guess they still talk.

I played softball with him. He's out of his mind. I'd leave it alone.

Really? I'm gonna try to. Yeah.

Why is there enough food here for 300?

There's supposed to be enough for 500.

Five hundred? And Ronda.

Vince, this was supposed to be an intimate thing so we could get some feedback.

Relax. Turtle thought we'd do better with a big crowd.

Don't worry. I got everyone walking through that door signing an NDA, so they can't talk about it.

And where you gonna sit 500 people? On the couch?

Don't be ridiculous. There's a whole beach out there.

Check it out.

Jesus.

It's Ari.

Hello? When exactly is this screening of yours?

When it gets dark. Why?

Because I'm coming with your money, and there ain't nothing we can do about it.

What's up, Sai? Amazing rapper right here.

How are you?

I don't ride a bike.

I do the Santa Monica steps. Sick, bro. Sick.

Throw it, Russ!

The story of Jekyll and Hyde... represents a concept in Victorian culture... of the inner conflict of humanity's sense of good and evil.

I have no understanding of what you're saying.

Of course I remember you. You went to middle school with my daughter.

We always thought you were so funny.

And so cute.

Let's go. Aah!

You tired yet, Turtle?

Hey, Vince. Buddy. I need a favor. Yeah.

I need you to fuck my daughter's friends so I don't have to.

In English literature, there's a guy named Jekyll and a guy named Hyde.

And you have that same thing in you.

Do you understand?

I'll show you some of my footage. You'll flip out.

You even might wanna put me in Iron Man 3.

Sure. Well, 4 would be next. Iron Man 4.

Downey's great. I love Downey. He's just a little long in the tooth.

I think you wanna go younger. If I recall, you're five years older.

You know, fuck you, Favreau. What?

You fucked me on Swingers. You're always fucking me.

I offered you Swingers. You couldn't do it because of Viking Quest.

You could've shot around me!

Just because you're short, doesn't mean you can't achieve your goals, E.

I know that. You think I'd have a Super Bowl ring... if I listened to everybody who told me I was too short?

Right.

We're thinking of honeymooning in Moscow or the Ukraine.

We know it's not traditional.

Traditional? Fuck traditional.

Don't they shoot guys like you over there? That's Uganda.

Go to Hawaii. Do yourselves a favor.

Molly. Anyone want molly? Molly.

Molly. Anyone want molly?

I thought you don't do drugs anymore, Billy.

I don't do angry drugs anymore, Drama. Give me two.

I'm sure Ari has seen an unfinished film before.

Not one I've directed.

You're really nervous, huh?

It's cute.

You never get nervous before a photo shoot? No, I know what I look like.

Everyone, make sure you fill out a non-disclosure agreement... or you cannot stay for the screening.

E, this house is sick. When did Vince buy it?

It's not Vince's. It's Turtle's.

You're kidding. How much this fucking guy make?

Excuse me, miss. You can't use a pencil to fill out the NDA.

So that's a true story?

You beat up four guys for getting loud at a movie?

Well, the press exaggerated. I just broke one guy's jaw and another guy's nose.

The third guy... There wasn't really four.

The third guy, I threw over my shoulder, and he ran off.

Like a boyfriend with you? And what'd he do?

No, I haven't had a boyfriend in like two years.

Too focused on my career. Oh.

You're in four fucking scenes and you expect me to get you a magazine cover?

Scarlett Jo wasn't even on camera in Her. She got a cover.

If you had her tits, I can get you a cover.

I got a couple covers coming out, Drama.

Even a few I turned down.

What the fuck you making over here?

Little potion for E.

Molly, water and a touch of Viagra.

What did I do wrong with my life? This is a normal Tuesday afternoon?

You gotta see our Wednesday parties.

Ari, you got invited.

I want you to meet my fiancé Greg. No, Lloyd. No.

Eric Murphy. Travis McCredle. Nice to meet you, Travis.

Eric manages Vinnie. Oh.

And Travis's father co-finances our entire slate.

All that money's gonna be mine someday... so I prefer you consider that I co-financed the slate.

Fuck me.

Is that Emily Ratajkowski over there talking to Vinnie Chase?

Sure is. You wanna meet her?

Well, I wanna marry her, but you gotta start somewhere, right?

Oh, boy. E, have some water.

Why? You look parched. Almost sickly.

Are you serious? You're yellow, bro.

Vinnie Chase!

Big fan of your work, especially Aquaman 2.

Thanks. But I was only in the first Aquaman.

Well, all those comic book movies start to blend together after a while.

Except for The Avengers.

All five of those heroes on screen at one time.

That was really something, wasn't it? Yeah, well...

Travis, have you met Emily Ratajkowski? No, but I feel like we know each other.

I saw your Sports Illustrated spread on the plane.

That looked cold. Was that cold?

It was.

Well, it was still hot.

Travis, Vinnie would like to thank you for all the support you've given him on his movie.

Yes. Hundred million plus, with P&A.

I hear you're looking for more.

Uh, just a little.

Well, I'm looking forward to being able to explain why.

I'm gonna go get a drink. Let you guys talk?

Okay.

Vince, is that your girl?

Oh, no. We're just friends. Oh.

So I'm free in the clear to go for that? Uh, yeah.

I don't know what I'm asking you for. You don't own every piece of pussy in this town, do you?

Mr. Suit.

Are you okay?

I feel strange.

Strange how?

My dick gets hard every time a girl looks at me.

Like, today or always?

You're cute.

I should probably go talk to her.

Seems like the right move, Suit.

You're a good guy, Bill.

Maybe I could finance something for you to star in.

Have you seen anything I've done? Not in complete.

But I've seen that trailer for that new one you got coming out maybe 500 times.

Maybe you wanna finance something for me to star in.

I'm Johnny, Vince's brother.

Oh, hey. You're an actor too?

Yeah.

What've you been in? Everything.

Have you seen him in anything? Um, I, uh...

I've seen him in Viking Quest.

Really? Yeah, and he's in my movie.

Just four scenes.

Four pivotal scenes. He's amazing.

Really? Yeah.

One of the reasons why I wanted to make this movie... is I knew what that role would do for my big bro.

It's gonna change his life. Thanks, bro.

Well, I can't wait to see it. I can't either.

So, what's up? Are we gonna do this?

Ari, relax. It won't be dark for at least an hour. When everyone's seated, it will be. Let's go.

All right. I gotta find E. Fuck E.

So you're a Viking Quest fan, huh?

How long have you lived here? A couple of months.

It came with all the furniture and stuff, so it feels lived in.

So, what's your deal, Turtle?

You selling coke these days?

No. Why would you say that?

Because the last time I saw you, you were a fat pothead living off of Vince.

And now you live next to Spielberg.

I started a tequila company.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

And I started working out.

What do you do, Pilates?

I box a little. And I do cardio.

That's cute.

What? I think someone's fucking in there.

Come on.

Motherfucker!

Oh, my God!

I got it. Fucker.

Hey! Oh, shit!

Of all the guys I never thought I'd catch fucking in my room.

Sorry. No, don't be.

I love it. I love it.

Hi, Ronda Rousey.

I won 500 bucks on your last fight.

You said you were a Virgo?

Oh... Um, a Gemini.

The twins, right?

Yeah. Oh. I love twins.

Come on, Vinnie.

Let's roll this motherfucker!

You ever think about playing basketball? You ever thought about signing me?

Guys. Guys. What the fuck are we doing?

Vince doesn't wanna show you the movie with this crowd.

Holy shit. What?

How bad is it? Ari, it's...

No, you look nervous right now. I've never seen you nervous.

Just tell me, does it suck? No. It doesn't.

Tell him it doesn't suck. It doesn't suck.

Film!

Film! Film! Film!

Film! Film! Film! Film!

Come on! Fucking film! Roll it, Vinnie! Come on! Just put it on!

Vinnie, show us the fucking film!

Let's go, baby!

Film! Film! Film!

Hey, I'm gonna take care of it.

Vince? Time to get this show on the road. I've put in some quality time alone with Emily.

What's the running time on this?

A hundred and forty minutes.

Jesus.

I like short movies, Vince. You know? And comedies. You ever seen Bad Grandpa?

I'm calling this off. That never gets old.

You know, fuck these guys.

You know what? Give Travis and Ari DVDs to take home.

Hold on. Vince... I can watch that with Emily.

Hey, everyone.

Vinnie. Good news and bad news.

The bad news is the projector broke.

No! No, no. Vinnie, no!

The good news is... look who just showed up:

Pharrell! Pharrell? What the fuck is Pharrell?

Could we possibly convince you to come up here and perform?

I'm gonna kill Vince.

My life is over. No, it isn't, Ari. Relax.

Relax, E? You remember that Colombian soccer player... that got strung up by his dick after giving up the game-winning goal?

That's where we're headed if this movie tanks.

Vince will not come back from this, neither will I and neither will you.

Relax knowing that.

I don't ask for much, do I?

Health and happiness for the kids, peace on Earth... the wife to have bigger tits, only sometimes.

But I'm... What are you doing?

Nothing. You didn't come to bed.

No, I haven't... What...?

What, are you praying?

Yeah. Something wrong with that?

Well, you don't believe in God, so...

For the good stuff I do.

It's 2 a.m. You sat down to watch this movie at midnight.

I'm mentally prepping.

I'm gonna start now. You wanna join me? You said I couldn't.

You could blow me through it if it sucks. Ease the pain?

Good luck. I'll see you in bed.

I love you.

I love you too.

Don't fuck me on this, Vinnie.

Don't you fuck me.


Sadly, all good parties must come to an end.

Oh, come on. There is no way Emily would bang that yokel.

I'm telling you, she left with him. I don't care. No way.

These guys with money always get women out of their league.

You mean like Turtle and Ronda?

Oh, please. She's more likely to break his windpipe than bang his malnourished ass.

Huh. We'll see.

We were texting all night. And she sent me a sexy pic.

Yeah, right. Shut up.

Mm-hm.

That's a fight promo pic.

Not released yet though, bitch.

And she just said, "I'm sending an Uber for you," in 90 minutes, so both of you.

Professional pics, Uber car...

She wants something from you and it ain't your dick, bro.

I agree. She probably wants you to make her some money now that you're Mini-Mark Cuban.

That's fine. Truth is, I'd rather work with her than date her, anyway.

Oh, you are so full of shit, Turtle.

Or maybe those skinny pills he's taking are filled with estrogen.

Yo, yo. Good morning, bro.

Any word from Ari? Radio silence.

He probably hasn't even watched it yet, Vin.

Yeah, maybe his DVD player broke.

Hey, sit down, bro. I made your favorite:

Hand-rolled croissants... eggs Benedict with champagne sherry-infused béarnaise sauce... and freshly squeezed guava juice.

That's your favorite.

Johnny, this looks great, but I'm not really hungry.

Hey, come on. Even if Ari hated the movie, who gives a shit?

He's still a fucking agent at heart.

Yeah, seriously, bro. Fuck Ari. Yeah, fuck him.

Fuck Ari.

Thanks, guys.

It's Ari.

Think he heard us? What'd he say?

He wants us to go out front. Why?

Wow. Holy shit.

Look at this! I guess he didn't hate the movie.

No, actually, he loved it.

"Vinnie, I'm blown away. Blown away.

And, E, you've done good too."

Any mention of me in that note, bro?

All right, here we go!

Oh, yeah, baby!

I really need an answer, Ari. Time is running out.

Isn't my offering up my house for the ceremony enough, Lloyd?

No. Even though that is so amazingly generous, this is so much more important to me.

I need more information.

Like what? Like what will you be wearing?

I know it can't be white...

...because you've been banged more times... Ari.

Hey, Liam.

Go fuck yourself, Ari.

Forgive and forget, buddy. No?

Hey, Schindler. Leave no Jew behind!

Ari?! Listen, Lloyd, I love you.

But I just can't commit.

Really?

Hey, Ari. Tell me you're not parking there.

My studio, Ed. Don't force me to revoke your parking privileges.

Fucking asshole.

Who is insane enough to park in my spot, Allen?

I do not know.

Tow it. Actually, I'm in a good mood. Just spit on it.

Oh, that's my car, Ari.

Travis McCredle's here to see you.

I can see that now. Sorry.

Didn't know where else to put it. That's okay.

What's happening? You get a chance to look at Vinnie Chase's masterpiece?

I did. You got a minute to chat?

Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Uh, hold all my calls, Allen.

Okay. But remember you have couples therapy at 11.

Oh, and, Ari. Ari. Do you still want me to spit on his car?

Wow, what a space.

Yeah, it's comfy, huh?

You should see my father's office.

I bet your father has a much nicer office.

No, my father doesn't believe in wasting money on extravagant office settings.

My father believes in putting money into product... whether that's pig's ears we're selling for dogs to chew... or methane gas for Middle Easterners to poison each other with.

Yes. Well, you know what, I tried your father. Waiting to hear back.

I spoke to him. I told him he didn't need to call you until after we spoke.

Oh. I, obviously, didn't like the movie... as much as you did, Ari.

No? No, it's no masterpiece.

Not from these eyes' perspective. Well...

And what type of training do you have to judge that?

I went to the Austin PA Film Academy for a semester... and all my teachers said I had tremendous taste.

I can see it in your wardrobe.

Look, Ari, I have thoughts about this movie... and my father would like for you to take them seriously.

Thoughts? You have notes?

Whatever you wanna call them.

But most of them revolve around cutting out Vincent Chase's mutant brother.

Drama. Yeah.

He's an abomination and he's got to go.

The challenge for me was I was the only human in that scene.

Everyone else was living dead.

So how did that affect how you played the role?

It didn't.

It couldn't. I had to be real.

If I played in to it, no way it could be.

That's really interesting.

Yeah.

Now, come on, baby. Show me a little nip.

Please? You are relentless.

This is like our third session since last night.

I'm a little stressed about an audition I got tomorrow.

And your voice, it soothes me. Take it as a compliment.

Fine.

Unbutton your pants.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah. Mm.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

Jen! Oh!

What the fuck are you doing?

Randy! You're supposed to be in Chatsworth. Who the fuck is this loser?

You don't need to call me a loser, bro.

Put some clothes on! You're not supposed to be here!

I'll find you. You'll pay for this. I'm gonna hunt you down...

...and you're gonna fucking pay for this! Johnny, I'm so sorry.

Johnny, wanna drop me at editing?

Yeah, sure, bro. What the fuck are you doing?

You think I should start a vodka company? I think you'd kill it.

But I don't even drink. Really?

Look, I got a ton of ideas.

You should have a fitness app and, like, your own clothing line.

What, you don't think my brand's doing fine already?

I think you could always be doing better, no?

I'm confused. Is this a business meeting?

Uh...

Because I didn't know. I didn't know either.

Is this a date?

I don't cook for people who are trying to pitch me.

I thought a nice, normal guy wanted to hang out for once.

I did. I do.

No one under 250 pounds ever has the balls to talk to me. Should've known better.

No, no. It's not like that. You should go.

Just see yourself out, Turtle. Look, Ronda, come on.

You should go before I feel like hitting something.

I'll call you an Uber.

An UberX, actually.

Motherfucking asshole.

Well, what do you mean, he won't release any more money? Why not?

I'm dealing with it.

I thought you said his opinion didn't matter. It doesn't, and I'm dealing with it.

Well, you better deal fast because we can't finish the movie without money.

Really? Because I thought we could finish it with Froot Loops.

You're funny, but did you tell Vince? Because he's on his way to editing.

I'm telling you because it's your job... along with going over budget and being short, to tell him.

You need to call him because I'm walking into Lamaze class.

Nothing says you're working hard... more than Lamaze class at noon on a Wednesday, E. Thanks for nothing.

Hey, baby.

I'm excited for therapy. Don't be. It's a waste of fucking money.

Hey, Kelsey. Ari. Melissa.

Hi. You okay?

I'm here, so I'm fucked.

Since you're here, I'm guessing you're fucked as well. Nice seeing you.

This should be fun.

Breathe in.

One, two, three.

And continue.

What about the name Ryan?

For a boy or a girl? Either.

I like it.

But Ryan Murphy created Glee.

And you think people will confuse our baby with him?

If we name our baby Ryan Murphy, then, yeah, I do.

Why does Chad Lowe keep staring at you?

Hey. How are you?

Would you stop? I just didn't know you were dating.

We went out a couple of times. It's not a big deal.

Wonder what the girl he's with thinks about it. They're not together.

What are they doing in Lamaze class?

What are we doing in Lamaze class?

This is a fucked-up town. Yeah.

You know, I think we're better off if we don't question each other.

I agree. But tell me you haven't had sex.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Well, you can't. Can you?

I mean, with the baby in there. You could hurt it, right?

Relax, Eric. No, I'm not having sex.

And not because I haven't wanted to.

Because, I don't know if you know this... but pregnant women can get very horny.

Problem is, nobody wants to have sex with me.

I'd have sex with you.

Where are you headed with this?

Are you gonna tell me you love me and want me back again?

Who's talking about love? I'm talking about sex.

I'm saying that I would have sex with you right now if you really need it.

I just don't wanna get emotional.

Do you know I haven't even been held in six months?

I see that you're already getting emotional.

Follow me home. Seriously?

Yeah, sure. Why not? You're clean. I trust you.

Sloan. Yeah.

I'm not really that clean. What do you mean?

I had sex with someone last night.

Oh, who? The "I want your cock" texter?

No, someone else.

Actually I had sex with the texter yesterday also.

Two girls in 24 hours? Well, not by design.

Who are you?

And why do you always have to be so fucking honest?

That's just who I am.

And I guess that's why we're not together. No.

We're not together because you fucked my stepmother. Don't ever forget that.

And you told me that if I came clean and admitted it, you'd get over it.

So don't forget that.

I tried, Eric.

I mean, I didn't move to New York because I really wanted to try. I did.

I'll talk to you later.

Hello. It's Melanie.

I need you to meet me at the Little Door in 30.

I didn't think I'd hear from you. Eric, this isn't a social call.

I'm pregnant. And if you don't meet me in 30... the next call you'll get is from my attorney.

Eric.

I can't believe I'm gonna say this... but I'm willing to try again.

Did you hear what I said?

Uh...

Okay. Good talk.

So why did you stop taking the "anger meds," as you call them?

I didn't think they were working. I did.

Except to affect me in places that I just didn't want to be affected.

Have you been unable to maintain an erection? I didn't say that. Did I say that?

He's having trouble finishing. Meaning that I can go all night.

Boom.

And now you feel that he's reverting back to his past behaviors.

It's as if we're in a time machine.

The past behaviors that almost ended your marriage.

Yes.

You don't feel that is true, Ari?

No, of course I don't feel that it's true, because it's not.

I promised my wife that if she let me go back to work... it would be nothing but fun, and it has been. I do almost nothing but smile all day.

And the anger meds didn't make me calm. They just made me not able to come... which just made me angry and just made my wife sore.

Now, currently, I am a little bit stressed... about this giant movie, because I haven't been able to see it until yesterday.

Thank God, it's fucking amazing.

Suddenly this little punk bitch version of Forrest Gump... thinks he has the authority to weigh in on cutting my movie star director's brother... and his fucking Foghorn Leghorn of a father won't call me back to tell me that he doesn't.

So, yes, I am a tiny, tiny bit stressed, which is normal, no?

Why don't we keep the focus off work?

Tell her what you did today. What does that have to do with anything?

He told his ex-assistant that he could have his wedding at our house.

"Ex-assistant." He's like a daughter to me. You didn't even ask me.

I thought you'd like it. 300 gay men running around in our yard?

You're making bigoted assumptions now, baby.

He said it was it'd be a toga-themed wedding with glass dildos as centerpieces.

That was a joke, obviously.

He has these highs and lows.

Like, one minute he's on the phone, screaming, and the next he's on the ground, praying.

And I have this feeling in my gut that he could explode at any second.

It's just not true.

I told you to turn that off. I thought I did. Ahem.

It could be the Texan or Vince...

It's the studio.

It's a new phone. I don't how to turn the ringer off.

Turn the whole power off. Well, I don't know how to.

Well, it's the studio again.

Don't answer that. Well, it must be important.

Don't. It could be about the Texan or Vince.

I have to take it. I...

What? Did you show a cut... of Vince's movie to Larsen McCredle's son?

Yes. How do you know?

The editor just called.

Apparently the kid showed up with notes. Jesus.

Is Vince there? Not yet.

But the kid said, and I'm quoting:

"That pretty boy director is locked out... along with everyone else, until I say so."

Aargh!

Ari?

Ari? I gotta go, Dana.

I'm okay to continue.

Look, maybe she did wanna bang you. My bad.

Yeah. Your bad. You totally got in my head. Why don't you just call her and apologize?

I already did. She sent me straight to voice-mail. Twice.

Look, Turtle, I'm sorry.

But I got my own problems right now. Don't fuck girls with boyfriends, you wouldn't.

She never mentioned she had a boyfriend. I wouldn't worry about it.

Unless she sells you out, how's he gonna find you anyway?

Well, maybe he recognized me.

What are the odds of that? A billion to one at least.

Could you please not make fun of me? Ever?

All right, what's the problem?

You know what I'm auditioning for tomorrow?

Victim Number Three on The Mentalist.

An old, broken-down male ballerina. Good part?

You know, I know people have looked at me as a joke for the past 20 years.

But in Vince's movie... it felt like I found something.

And I'm just praying that people see it... and that things really change for me.

I got a good feeling that they will.

Thanks.

Hey, is that E? No.

Maybe. That is E.

Hang on.

Yo, E!

What are you doing? Nothing.

Where's your car?

Nobody walks in L.A., E. You look stupid.

My life is over.

Come on, Travis. Open the door.

I'm dealing with Ari on this, Vince. On what? Come on!

Just open the door! Yo, Vinnie, what's up?

Yo, what's up, Mark? I'm doing some looping for Ted 3.

3? How many of those are you gonna do? Shit, I'll do 20 if I can.

What's the matter? Your girlfriend lock you out of the editing room?

No, my co-financier.

You serious? My boys will break down the fucking door right now.

I got the Hamster here. He's crazy. I'm crazy.

Vinnie. What's up, Ari?

What kind of shit studio you running here? Mark, hey. Calm down.

Dude, I'm calm. But you better get excited.

You don't want everybody around town thinking that this is how you treat your filmmakers.

What the fuck is going on? I am dealing with it.

E said he won't release any more money.

Can he do that? Ari.

He's got issues.

He doesn't like the movie? It doesn't matter.

Tell him the truth.

Yeah, seriously. Ari, come on, speak! Tell him the truth. Don't be shy.

He doesn't like Drama. He wants to cut him out.

Johnny? That's fucked up, Vince.

I'm doing my show Wahlburgers at A&E. If they try to cut my mother, I'd kill somebody.

Even if she sucked as bad as Drama probably sucks.

You guys know Reggie from Jordan, right? You want some shoes?

No, no, we're good, Mark. Gotcha.

I'm not cutting out Johnny. No, you're not.

I will take care of it.

You better.

Oh, shit. That's Ari Gold.

Have the redneck country-ass hick in editing bay three dragged off my lot.

If he resists, you have my permission to shoot him in the fucking head!

You're like an NBA player, E.

Imagine when someone says, "You have twins?"

He says, "No, they're not twins. One was born in October, one in April."

Like miniature Irish twins. You guys are funny...

...but what do I do? Take a breath. You don't even know it's yours.

Yeah, or if she wants it. Well, she wants something.

You guys don't have to wait. We know. We will anyway.

He's a fucking idiot. Who cares what he thinks?

Someone, apparently, because they're letting him hold my film hostage.

Not to pile on... What?

Well, my publicist called and said that Just Jared wants to know if we're dating.

I don't care. Up to you. Tell them whatever you're comfortable with.

That wasn't their only question.

No? No.

They wanted to confirm that there's something wrong with the movie...

...since you canceled the screening. Oh, Jesus.

What did you tell them? That it was great.

Do you really think it's great?

Yes.

Now, stop.

You're too good-looking to be insecure.

I'm gonna call E.

Ha. Fuck you doing?

We're hungry.

Eric.

Hey.

Paula. Yeah, of course.

Hi. How are you? Good. Funny running into you here.

I wanted to talk to you, but we didn't exchange numbers.

Yeah, I know. Sorry about that.

Do you mind if I sit for a minute? You know, actually, I have a meeting right now.

Is there any way I can call you later? We had sex last night...

...so I'm gonna sit for one minute. Okay.

Isn't that the girl he banged last night? I think so.

She the one that got pregnant? I can't keep up with this guy.

I just wanted to say that that was really fast for me.

I don't usually do that that fast.

Me either.

It was something about you.

Like, you just seemed so sweet and innocent.

Is that an act?

No. Really?

Hey. Hey.

Is that the other one? I don't know. I guess.

This could get ugly.

Should we do something? Yeah.

Take pictures. What, did you bring a date?

No, no, no. We just ran into each other. I just met him last night.

Oh. Is this your girlfriend?

Uh... Last night you said you didn't have one.

I don't. I don't have a girlfriend.

No, no, no. I'm not his girlfriend.

Excuse me.

Although, we did have sex... uh, yesterday.

Are you serious? So did we.

Did he get you pregnant also? Not that I know of.

You better check because, apparently, he has very strong swimmers.

Okay, um, I will go to the gyno today.

What time did you guys have sex?

Like 6 a.m. Why?

Okay, so you're fine.

The reason why I wanted to talk to you today...

This is, like, embarrassing. Um...

You might need to go to the doctor too. What?

I really don't wanna talk about this in front of her.

Talk about what? Ugh.

Okay, I might have something. It's probably not contagious.

Ew. Don't get nasty with me, bitch.

What do you have, like herpes or something? Can you shut the fuck up?

Shh. Girls, I don't know what to say to you at the same time...

Why don't you say you're sorry for being another typical L.A. douchebag?

Because I'm not. Well, we think you are.

Who runs around and uses as many girls as he can.

I don't. Well, we think you do.

"We"? We used to live together, Eric.

We haven't spoke in a little, but we did this morning... and somehow your name came up.

So you're not really pregnant. No.

And you don't have herpes. No.

Thank God!

This was pointless.

No. This isn't pointless. I get the point.

Thank you. Well, not thank you, but, I mean, I'm sorry.

What the fuck?

It's still too bleak.

Yes, this movie will be an Oscar contender... but it also has commercial appeal as well.

The poster needs to let toothless guys in Texas... who snort meth and possibly fuck their sisters... know that it's also fun for a Saturday night.

If only we could see it, Ari.

DVDs are being made as we speak. Everyone can see it now.

You've seen it? Oh, yes.

And it works? It works, Dana.

I saw it last night. Ha-ha-ha.

It works so well, in fact, that tonight, after everyone goes home...

I might sneak onto the set, go into the Hyde laboratory and masturbate into a beaker.

Ari. John Ellis keeps calling.

The chairman of the studio? I know who he is.

He's on the lot.

John Ellis is on the lot? Yeah.

What'd he say?

He said to tell you to get your ass up to his office. Now.

What should I, uh, tell him?

You tell him to get his ass down to my office.

Now!

Ari. Ari!

He said what?

Motherfucker.

Ari. Hey, buddy.

Dude, what's this May 4th release date? I don't have any time for this.

Come on, dude. Are you serious? I'll talk to Marketing. We'll get on it.

We're up against Tyler Perry, the new Hunger Games. We'll get slaughtered.

You know what, I don't know you.

Hey, Warren.

What the hell did you do to John Ellis? It's all good.

You know how much of the studio I own? The whole thing.

Yeah, well, fix it, Ari.

It's done. Thank you, Warren.

Ari! Ari! I can't now, Jess.

Are you kidding me?

I just got off the phone with fucking Kives... and he said that you still haven't greenlit my passion project.

No, I know. Jess, we're going... What the fuck?

Do you think I give a shit about zombie apocalypse? What the fuck is that?

I'm dealing with a first-time director here... who's more interested in Instagramming my ass. Hashtag "Jessica Alba's ass."

Well... Are you kidding me?

Look me in the face. I'm gonna walk off this project...

...if you don't greenlight my movie. Done.

Swear. I swear to you, it's done.

Swear. It's done.

On your mom. Yeah, on my mom.


Are you out of your fucking mind?

Relax, John. Your heart. I don't have a heart problem.

No, but you're old. Heh.

You think this is funny?

You told me when I took this job that I wouldn't have to answer to McCredle.

I didn't know you would go over budget on your first shot.

It doesn't matter what a movie costs. Only what it makes.

This one is going to make... Ari, I put my reputation on the line... to get you this job.

No, you begged me to take this job.

Actually, you begged me to take your job.

And then you took your offer back and told me that you were going to groom me.

For one year. And this is your idea of grooming?

This is the new world. We're all in it.

We minimize our risk.

And maximize our position as pussies by kowtowing to cowtippers?

I told you, with this movie, I didn't want any of their fucking farm money.

I didn't need it. The board disagreed.

And so did I.

About how much you spent and about how you made it.

So this is all about Vince.

Nobody thought he had any business directing this film. You bullied it through.

That's why you wanted me to succeed you.

I bully everything through. See it any way you like.

I'm taking you off this movie. Dana Gordon is in charge now.

We made a great movie that this idiot is trying to fuck up.

This idiot's father owns half the fucking negative, and you know it.

He can toss it in the garbage if he decides to.

You have the... Dana has this covered.

You stay the fuck out of it.

Hey, John. You can't do this.

Ari, I just did.

Yo, E, what the fuck? I've been calling you for two hours.

Sorry, my phone's dead. You cannot imagine what I've been dealing with.

These girls here are crazy. I'm never touching another one again.

Why, because of this or because no one'll let you?

Guys, you know I love you all, but right now...

I don't give a fuck about what you're talking about.

We got a real problem with this Travis guy, and I need my manager-producer back now, okay?

Okay.

Did Ari tell you why he's not gonna release the money?

He didn't like the movie? What didn't he like?

Is it me?

Please, for the love of God, tell me it's not me he didn't like.

What kind of a sick, narcissistic fuck are you?

Not everything in the world is about you. Seriously, Drama.

Just cut me out, bro.

Johnny, stop.

No, I get it.

Just cut me.

The good life wasn't meant for me.

I was given the gift of delusional confidence, but not any real talent.

Will you shut up and put that shit down?

You should be drinking my tequila anyway. Real men drink whiskey, Turtle.

Vince.

I don't want you to fuck up your movie because of me, bro.

You're worth more to the universe than I am.

And I'm finally okay with that.

Johnny.

This movie is what it is because of you... and because of E... and even Turtle. Because we do things we love.

Not things some rich prick, whose daddy gives him everything, tells us to.

You're really good in this movie. Tell him, guys.

I didn't even think you could act until I saw this.

Thanks.

Don't worry, we'll handle it.

If it doesn't work out, we can always move back to Queens with Ma, right?

I don't wanna go back to Queens, bro!

I'll handle it.

I like the weather out here too much.

Hello? Guess what?

I know who you are: Tarvold from Viking Quest.

And I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Hey, pal, guess what?

I'm already dead.

So fucking bring it!

Hey! There he is.

Travis. Thanks for making the time. No, thank you for coming to me.

How are you? You're sitting in on this too?

Uh, yeah.

Okay. Look.

I'm real sorry about earlier, Vince.

But that Ari just wouldn't let me be heard. Probably being protective. He's like that.

Well, I'm just being protective of my money. I'm like that.

We understand that. I'm sorry.

I know we met before, but what is your involvement in this again?

I'm the producer of the movie. And my manager.

Oh, yeah!

Uh, you were the guy on Piers Morgan, spinning pizza dough, right?

Vince, you take care of more people than Red Cross, huh?

I like to think they take care of me.

It's probably best to think of it that way, yeah.

Uh, so listen, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the movie.

I know you have some issues with my brother. Yeah.

He's not good. Well...

Yeah, I disagree. It's probably because you're too close to it.

You can't see it clearly because he's your brother.

As an artist, I'm pretty unbiased.

Maybe there's a bigger issue that's making you not like his character, Travis.

He's pretty pivotal in the movie, including the final scene.

I don't understand how you could cut him out.

Yeah, I think that bigger issue thing makes sense.

Oh. Did you have other problems with the movie?

Yeah, I did. I gave Ari a whole list. Maybe you could be more specific.

You're putting me in an awkward position here, Vince... because not only are you the director, you're the star.

It's okay. I won't take anything personally.

With a movie, there are so many parts that have to come together.

So tell me, what exactly didn't you like?

Well, okay.

Aside from your brother...

I didn't like you.

Understand, this is really strange for me, because I really am a big fan of yours.

I'm probably the only person in the whole world who liked that Medellin thing that you did.

But, with this, you know, it's like you were trying to do this kooky thing... like Johnny Depp did in Pirates of the Caribbean.

Now, what he did, he went out on a limb.

And it could've been stupid, but, God, it worked.

What you did here, though... it just didn't.

Maybe that's because you directed it... and all you had was your buddy looking over your shoulder.

You don't have anyone who can come in and say:

"Hey, this is getting kinda fucked up and goofy."

But it most certainly was.

You should've punched him right in the fucking face.

Oh, believe me, I thought about it. Maybe we are too close to it. Maybe I do suck.

Pfft. You know what, bro?

If you do, at least we suck together.

It's good, right, baby? Yes, Ari.

You like it? Yes.

But do you love it? I love it.

You wouldn't lie to me, would you? No.

Then say it again. I love it, Ari.

Say it again, honey. I love it!

It's the best movie Vince has ever done!

Now can we finish?

The meds are still in me, baby. I'm not sure I can.

Then get off because I was done, like, 20 minutes ago.

I'm sorry.

It's this kid. He's killing me.

I know I haven't been great to you lately, baby.

You know that I didn't come back for the money. I came back to leave a legacy.

To make my family proud.

And I wanna go out on my own terms. And this kid is trying to hobble me.

Like Tonya Harding.

And I can't have it because he's wrong.

Drama sucking, I could've maybe bought that.

But Vince?

No. I'm a million percent sure he is wrong.

It's just his opinion.

What can you do?

Thanks, Hector. I won't be long.

What, Ari, no suit? Not tonight, DV.

Who told you where I was staying?

My office booked your room for you.

Can I come in? No.

You haven't returned any of my calls.

Ari, I have people here. I don't mind.

Oh. Sorry about that.

Didn't realize you were in the middle of a work session.

Maybe I should call security and have your ass dragged out. How would you like that?

I am sorry about that, but we do have what are known as protocols.

Even in this lawless town. My father wants to shoot you.

We could have a Mexican standoff, then.

Because after looking at your long list of proposed changes to my movie...

I wanna shoot myself because they don't make any fucking sense.

I agree.

With what? I'm grasping at straws here, Ari.

I don't know how to fix my problems.

Vincent Chase's great in this movie. Bullshit.

He sucks. His too-pretty face ruins the fucking thing. It's distracting.

How the hell are you gonna fix his face with editing?

I guess I'm not.

Which is why I told my father we should bite the bullet... put some more money into it... and reshoot it with new actors and a different director.

Reshoot? Do you have any idea what that'll cost?

That's your job to figure out.

But I'll bet that there's a cheap way to do it digitally.

Hell, I saw Tupac Shakur in concert last year.

That guy's been dead 20 years.

You had no problem with Vince at the party.

A fan, even.

Did something happen?

I don't know what you're talking about.

What happened? I don't know what you're talking about, Ari.

But if you don't leave right now, I really will call security.

This guy's really gonna screw up $100 million movie...

...because of a personal problem? That's what Ari says.

Says he wants to replace me with a hologram. Can they even do that?

I was replaced with a digital character once.

But that was before filming began.

What could I possibly have done to this guy?

Did you shake hands when you met him? Southerners, real particular about manners.

I think so.

Oh, boy. Armie Hammer, 12 o'clock.

Oh, good God.

Yo, Vinnie Chase. The DJ from hell.

What's up, Armie? What's up?

You know that I was dating Emily, right? Emily? I thought you guys broke up.

I don't see how that fucking matters.

No, this isn't the time or the place.

But just know that I will enjoy sneaking up behind you... and snatching the fucking life out of you.

You know what I'm talking about, right, Drama?

You guys enjoy your salads.

That was awkward. He's a lot bigger than I thought.

Why didn't you just tell him it wasn't true?

Because it is true.

Really. Since when? Since after the screening.

I went over there later, after she was done watching the movie with Travis.

What?

A girl? This whole thing is over a fucking girl?

You guys are being crazy.

I can't believe you were with Emily and you didn't tell us.

Why would I tell you?

Because most of the fun of being with a girl that hot...

...is that you get to tell your friends about it. Turtle, I think we define "fun" differently.

I can't believe this. Believe what?

There's no way Travis could know about this.

No way. Why not?

He probably waited outside of her house after she got rid of him.

We're the only ones dumb enough to not realize you'd go over there.

Come on. That's ridiculous.

Think he drives a yellow Lamborghini? I know it. He had it on the lot. Why?

Jesus fuck. You couldn't just hold off one night?

We're a year into this thing. Seriously, Vin. This will set up our next 20.

And give me a life. I hope she was worth it.

You really saying I should've kept away from her because of him?

I mean, is that who we are?

I would've banged her. Yeah, me too.

Wife might even give me a pass for her. Ha-ha-ha.

Fuck him. No, seriously. Fuck him.

We don't need him. I'll put up the eight million.

How much fucking money did this guy make?

Vin, I'm serious. Not just because I love you. I love this movie.

I appreciate it, Turtle, but I can't let you do that.

I'll put up the money. I'll split it.

Thank you. I'm strapped, bro.

All the love in this room is really fucking touching, but you can't.

It's McCredle's movie. He doesn't need or want your money.

So that's it? No. I will handle this, as usual.

How? Don't worry, Carrot Bottom.

I got ideas. Later.

Later. Later.

I can't believe there's nothing we can do.

I got an audition at 3. Who wants to run lines with me?

No way. Not a chance.

Ronda finally answered my text. What'd she say?

She said, "If you want to apologize, do it in person like a man."

You guys wanna come with?

Sure. Sure.

You are the master of your universe...

...if you control your own physical universe. Om.

I will solve this problem.

Calmness and control of breath...

...are keys to success. Om.

I will figure this out.

Put fear to the side...

...for fear will conquer you. Om.

I will let no man see the darkness inside of me.

Om.

I will learn how to stop this fucking phone from overtaking my fucking calming CD!

What? About the wedding, Ari.

Lloyd, I've got bigger problems... than who's gonna give you away at your big fat gay wedding.

Call your boys at Grindr.

I'm sure there's an app for that. Listen, Ari...

I just got finished talking to a classroom of 8th graders... about the future of the agenting business.

And as I looked at their little faces, it hit me. My father is not coming to my wedding.

That is not my problem, Lloyd.

Do you know why he's not coming? I don't care.

It's because he hasn't spoken to me since I came out.

He didn't know before that? Who is he, the guy from The Crying Game?

You're the closest thing I have to a father now. Lloyd! I can't deal with this.

Not while I'm trying to figure out how to save this movie... which is the most important investment I have ever made.

You invest in people, Ari, not product.

That's why I have succeeded, and that's why you will.

Oh, and Ari? What?

I love you.

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Fuck!

Still time to leave. I don't think she saw you yet.

Oops.

Too late.

Hey, Ronda.

Hey, Turtle. What, do you bring your backup dancers everywhere?

Sorry, Vince.

You said if I wanted to apologize... What is there to apologize about?

I didn't want you to have the wrong idea. What was the right idea?

I wanted...

Yeah, I want to take you out. So then why this talk about us doing business?

Because this guy got in my head, telling me there's no way you'd be interested in me.

Not very manly to let another guy influence what you do with a lady, bro.

Especially this guy.

Listen, Ronda. Turtle's shy and he really likes you.

He could care less about business.

Everyone in this town has an angle. I don't. I really, really don't.

Let me prove it. What do you wanna do? You wanna take me in the ring?

I'll let you beat me up for a round. Let me?

Heh-heh. You know, he does box and do some cardio.

I meant, like, I won't fight back.

You couldn't last 30 seconds with me if your life depended on it.

I could really hurt you. I last 30 seconds...

...you let me take you on a date. Last 60 and I'll let you fuck me.

How much time? Three seconds!

What do I do? What do I do? Something!

Anything! Pray!

She's got the armbar! That's not good!

Tap out, Turtle! Time?

Fifteen seconds!

Tap or I'll break it.

How much time? Ten seconds!

Do you think I'm bluffing? Tap out!

You won't do it! It isn't worth it, Turtle.

Don't tap out! Ronda, I don't quit.

I just wanted to take you to dinner! Fine!

Oh! Aagh!

Larsen McCredle's office.

It's Ari Gold again. Mr. Gold, I have told you 20 times already...

Mr. McCredle is unavailable to speak with you.

And I told you 20 times I need to speak with him.

Where's Dana? Meeting.

Try him again and tell him it's an emergency regarding his son.

Everything okay with Travis?

Have you seen the movie Taken? Yes.

Think of me as the Liam Neeson character... and Mr. McCredle as my target if I don't hear back from him.

Have you heard back from Dana? She's still in that meeting.

What meeting? Laura didn't know.

Have you tried John Ellis again? Yes. Apparently he's in the same meeting.

Think the Texas money guy's in town.

And you don't think this is information that I could've used?

Where is this meeting?

I'm not supposed to say. I can call Dana.

Where's the fucking meeting? John's house in Santa Barbara.

Should I tell them you're coming? Nope!

Tell them to build a big fucking bomb shelter.

No, I didn't study these dance moves.

I was born with them.

No, I didn't study these dance moves.

Ah...

Euripides. Euripides. Uh...

Can you do that to yourself, please?

It's my process, asshole.

Euripides. Aeschylus. Douchebag.

Lemona, lumina, lino... Lemona, luminum, linoleum.

Yeah, hey, Mom.

No, I'm just on this lame audition with a bunch of shitheads. Yeah.

Johnny Chase? Yeah.

You're next.

Oh. Don't fuck this up, Drama.

Fuck you. We know you will.

Jimmy Chase is next. Hey.

Hey, Richard. I didn't know you were doing this. Yeah.

That's great. Now I'm excited.

Aw, thanks. Well, thanks for coming in, Jimmy.

"Jimmy"? No?

No. Johnny. Oh. That's my fault.

I'm so sorry. It's "Johnny." I told him "Jimmy."

There was a Jimmy in earlier. I think that's it.

He's Vinnie Chase's brother.

I know. Yeah.

You're Vinnie Chase's brother?

Yeah. Wow.

You look nothing like him. Not even a little.

You know, we've met before.

We have? Yeah. West Wing.

Did you do an episode? No, I got cast in the pilot.

And then replaced after the table read.

Huh. Well, you missed a pretty good run. Heh.

Uh, any notes before I get started?

Nope. No notes, Johnny.

Whenever you're ready, Sarah will read with you.

Okay.

Did you go to school for dance? Oh, my God.

What? I'm sorry. Nothing.

Just keep going. What?

Did you go to school for dance?

No, I didn't study these dance moves.

I was born with them.

Oh, my God! What?

Sorry, Johnny. We're getting all this on tape.

It's great, just keep reading with Sarah.

Sarah, keep going with the... Would you describe yourself as flexible?

Well, I guess you could say I am pretty limber.

Jesus Christ!

Are you guys joking?

I'm trying to act here. Ha-ha-ha.

What the fuck are you looking at?

We're looking at you, Johnny.

We're looking at you.

Are you familiar with the penal code in this county?

Here's the good news: I won't ever forget you again.

TMZ presents:

Raw Emotion with Johnny Chase.

Oh, yeah. Oh...

We got a sex tape from a huge star...'s brother.

Oh, you like that?

He was video chatting with this girl, it turned into sex... her boyfriend posted it to Revenge Girlfriends. And cut to the Chase!

Oh, my fucking God.

Oh, good merciful God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, God. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, my God. I know this fucking kid.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Over here, Johnny! What the fuck you looking at?

How about I shove that camera up your ass, huh?

What are you looking at?

Stop fucking looking at me. What are you looking at?

You got a problem?

Stop looking at me.

I can't believe you just ignored me yesterday.

I wasn't ignoring you. He wasn't ignoring you.

Really? We're all gonna do this? Okay.

He didn't respond. He had some crazy things happen yesterday.

He didn't call me today. You probably should've called today, E.

I didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to say.

For six months, he begs me to take him back.

Now I say I'm willing to try, and he doesn't know what to say?

She's got a lot of anger towards me. Maybe you should save this for later.

I said I'll keep trying to get over it.

He's right. Maybe we should save it till later. No, I think we should talk about this now.

Maybe I shouldn't be here.

Why not? You've been here for everything else but the conception.

Good point. E, say something.

Stop.

Look, Sloan, I love you, okay? You know that. And there's nobody else I'd rather be with.

But there's no more trying. You're either over the past or not.

Yo. Guess who's got the strongest bones in the Assante family?

No break? Nope. Torn labrum.

But dinner with Ronda is on.

So, Sloan, any way we can get this labor process cranking?

Really?

See what I'm saying? Let's go!

You guys were stopped.


Ari, are you fucking crazy? You can't land there!

Ah, but, John, I just did.

Hello.

Must not have gotten my invite.

Wow.

I know all of you.

Mr. Tisch, we shared a suite at the Super Bowl.

Must not be the difference maker that you claimed.

Meldman, all those nights in Cabo...

Meaningless.

Larsen, you must not have gotten all my messages.

And you must be a lot tougher than you look.

Okay, this room is gonna be even more hostile than I thought.

Which is interesting because I heard the purpose of this meeting was to fire me.

Where'd you hear that? I heard it up here, John.

Not from you, who I've known for 20 years.

Not from you, Dana, who I used to...

Anyway, you wanna fire me... because Mr. McCredle's son... doesn't like the movie that I made.

Well, I don't think you know the whole story.

Oh, really, Gold?

Well, I can't wait to hear the fucking fairy tale you spin.

Heh. Me too.

Shut up, Travis.

Travis doesn't really hate the movie.

He hates Vince.

Dad, he's so full of shit. What'd I say?

Do you want a boot up your ass? No.

Now, I have a son, so this is hard.

Well, speak, goddamn it.

This whole thing is over a girl.

What girl? Dad, the...

Shut up!

What fucking girl, Gold?

Emily Ratajkowski.

Oh, I like her.

I do too. I don't know what he's talking about.

Oh, come on, Travis.

You mean to tell me that you didn't sit outside her house... after she told you good night, just waiting to see if Vince showed up.

He fucking snuck in there after me. I put in a whole night w...

Wow, I wasn't even 100 percent sure I was right.

You should know this, Travis, that's what movie stars are supposed to do.

Walk into rooms and fuck girls that civilians want.

That's why they're movie stars.

You causing trouble over pussy again? Dad, this is our money.

We financed this film.

I don't think that that pretty boy out there should be allowed to shit on me.

Wait outside.

Are you serious?

Yes, goddamn it. Wait outside.

I'm real sorry about that.

Um, I have a copy of the movie. Vinnie Chase's unfinished cut.

I think if you look at it, you're gonna see that your money is in secure hands.

I saw it last night, Larsen. Really?

What'd you think?

It's amazing.

I told you. Mwah.

Well, I don't need to see the damn movie.

You people do what you do, but, uh, if anybody wants to see more of my money... he still has to go.

Larsen, you heard what happened.

What I heard is he treated my son like a horse's ass... which he is, but that's not really the point.

You said you have a son, Gold? I do. He's 12.

Well, I hope when he grows up, he's not a complete and utter fucking buffoon like mine.

But just in case he is...

I hope the people that respect you... at least pretend to respect him.

I can't believe a website would actually post something like that.

They posted it as "See Vincent Chase's Brother Spank It at Vincent Chase's Pool."

That was my pool? Mine.

Well, I guess a sex tape worked for Paris and Kim.

Maybe it'll do good for Johnny. Vin, a girl playing with herself is one thing.

Drama doing it, a whole horrifying other.

Absolutely the most vile, disgusting thing I've ever fucking seen.

Okay, Shauna. Have you heard from him? No. Why, is he missing?

Called him 10 times. He won't pick up. Try him again, please?

I can get his face on a milk carton.

You need to calm down. Don't tell me to calm down.

I'm here because I can't calm down, and I need to see the doctor... who can hopefully calm me down.

Mr. Chase, he is in with someone.

Oh, is he in with someone who's been coming here for 15 years?

Somebody who scraped up loose change when insurance wouldn't pay his bill?

Is he in with someone whose life is in complete shambles?

Are you suicidal?

I don't know.

Well, if you aren't... I am!

Let me call 911, have an ambulance come. No, no, no. Don't do that.

What are you looking at?

What? What's on your screen?

Nothing.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

I'm a dead man!

I need the doctor.

Doc Feldman. It's Johnny Chase.

I've been your patient since you were at the strip mall in Sherman Oaks.

I need you right now, goddamn it, so get your ass out here.

I'm dying.

Put the phone down.

Sorry.

Mother...

What, Turtle, what? Will you please stop calling? I can't talk right now.

What?

Really?

Johnny, what the hell is going on?

Nothing, doc. All good.

I'm having a baby.

Congratulations. You have a brand-new baby girl.

Thank you.

She's amazing.

She looks just like you.

Ryan Murphy, 6 pounds 4 ounces, born 19 minutes ago.

You're a daddy! Come here. Congrats.

Congratulations! Thank you very much.

How's Sloan? She's over it.

Yeah? Yeah.

Do we have ourselves a baby?

Because in the grand scheme of things, what the fuck else matters?

We got a baby girl! You're kidding.

Name? Ryan.

Ryan Murphy?

Yeah, you like it?

I read for the teacher on Glee six times and didn't get it.

But, yeah, I like it! I really like it!

Piers Morgan? Why is Piers Morgan calling you?

Hello?

Hey, Vince. It's Piers Morgan here. Hey, Piers.

If this is about Emily, no comment. I've got no interest in your sex life.

I'm calling to see if you've got any comment to make about Ari Gold?

As far as what? Well, as far as the big breaking news.

He just resigned from the studio.

I gotta call you back.

What's with the stunned face? Please don't tell me the baby looks like E.

Yeah, I resigned.

That's just how I spun it to save myself the humiliation.

Truth is, they fired me.

Ari, I feel awful. This is all because of me. No, it's because of me.

I got a big ego.

But there's a reason for that. It's because I'm always right!

Must have a big buyout, though, no?

What, am I on CNBC, Turtle?

Yeah, it would've been, even by your standards. "Would've been"?

Thirty million.

I told them to lick my balls. I don't take charity. You're gonna let them keep $30 million?

No. Come on. I told them I want an equity stake in the movie for it.

Ari, are you serious? You could lose all your money.

You're my Mentos man, Vinnie.

Fifteen years we've been together.

You think I'm gonna abandon ship now?

Not even if the water's freezing and the orchestra's playing.

Great, a Titanic reference.

Come on, Ari. Hyde's gonna be a monster.

You just said you're always right.

Until I'm wrong.

I'm kidding, Drama. Lighten up.

Warren Buffett's gonna be blowing us for investment advice soon. You'll see.

I'm proud of you, Vinnie.

I'm real proud. Proud of all of you.

Thanks, Ari. Congrats again on the baby.

Thanks again.

Later.

Later.


Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the 72nd Annual Golden Globe Awards.

We're on the red carpet live. This is where you want to be.

Maria, already people are asking the question: Who will the big winners be?

If you've been paying attention... you probably get the idea that Vincent Chase and Hyde are gonna have a huge night.

That's right, Matt.

Hyde has been a box office monster with $450 million worldwide and counting... five nominations, including Best Picture and two acting nods.

And that surprise of the year.

You have a Best Supporting Actor nomination for Johnny Chase... and he's only in four scenes in the movie.

What'd I tell you, Turtle? You visualize success, you get it.

But you've been visualizing it for 20 years.

No. I've been verbalizing it. There's a difference.

Do you think he'll be more difficult to handle if he wins?

Definitely. Vincent Chase!

Hey, Terrence.

Congrats on everything. So how does it feel? Yeah, I don't wanna speak for baby bro...

...but it feels sick, Terrence. You can quote me on that.

Congratulations. You're getting a lot of credit... for the work you did behind the scenes on this movie.

Well, I'm a little more creative than people give me credit for.

I hear you have other offers. Can you tell us, will you run another studio?

Maria, I may run a country. There are a few that could use my help.

Johnny! Look over here!

Mr. Chase! Vince!


And the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture goes to...

Get the fuck out of here.

Sorry. I haven't seen the movie yet. I...

I imagine he's fantastic.

Give it up! Johnny Chase, Hyde!

You won!

Get up! You won!

Get up there! Go!

Go!

Drama!

You can fuck it later. You speak.

Victory!

Yeah!


You're doing fine, Lloyd.

Thank you, Ari.

And you?

I may throw up.

Just breathe.

Ladies and gentlemen... today we gather to celebrate one of life's greatest moments.

The commitment that these two men are about to make... is the most important commitment... anyone can make.

If you're not really gay, Lloyd, now's probably the time to say so.

And if you are, Ari, this is probably your time.

Don't kid yourself, Sulu.

Mazel tov!

Congratulations, Greg and Lloyd!

Who's the girl?

This is Alyssa Miller. Hi.

I don't understand.

Lloyd wanted a Jewish wedding? No. My house, my God.

L'chaim. L'chaim, bitches!

Vinnie! Get in here. Come on, we need a group shot. Come here.

I just don't like it.

Maybe you just don't fucking get it, you bean-counting little suit.

Ask Vince. See what he thinks. What's that?

I got an idea. Oh, yeah? What is it?

It's about Vinnie and the boys. Ha-ha.

And how they started from nothing...

...turned it into all of this. Yeah.

Dumbest idea I've heard. I don't know. Is it?

Maybe it's a TV show. Yeah.

Maybe I could direct.

Maybe Turtle, Sloan, Ronda or the fucking baby can.

Ari.