Ernest in the Army (1998) Script

Prepared and arranged by zero boy

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[wind howling]

[music playing]

[fire crackling]



MAN: Get up!

Get up.


Come on.

Get in there.


Get up.




NARRATOR: It has been the burden of my people to struggle under the iron fist of the ruthless leaders since Nebuchadnezzar created the Hanging Gardens of Babylon.

There all those of us who, though our efforts may be futile, have tried to bring peace to our war-torn land.

But we tremble.

For it is written that this evil wind will lure the great eagle into the clutches of its ambition, and the whole world will come to the edge of being nothing but a whisper's vapor in the universe.

The secret, gentlemen, is in your reach and accuracy.


You must have the right balance and the right power.

Soon, we will invade Karifistan.


And the American infidels will foolishly rush to their aid.

That's right, Kibee.

And then I, Almar Habib Tufuti, President for Life, will be the leader of all true believers when the American eagle falls from its perch.

NARRATOR: There will be one man who will ride the storm from the West to humble the tyrants of the Earth.

I tell you now the prophecy of a great American warrior.

Good morning, Mr. Worrell.

You're looking at a trap cleverly devised by the evil genius Baron von Titleist.

A mine field.

Mines diabolically disguised as your average garden variety golf ball, or golf astemplis spheracoli.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, will be to rid the world of this menace and make this geriatric pastime safe again for all of humanity.

My voice will self-destruct in five seconds.

Four, three, two, one.


Let the games begin.

Yeah, another day on this course.

There's one.


Got another one. Uh-oh.

Steer right.

There's one.

OK, got another one.


Yeah, can't hit me.

You couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.

Nice try, lady. [laughs]

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you knock them, I rock them.


Do your worst, Baron Titleist.

Your pock-marked angels of death frighten me not.

Uh-oh, reinforcements.

We're dumb.

When you're dumb, you're dumb.

GOLFER: Get him, Bill.

[golfers groan]


Don't tempt these guys, Ernest.

You know what happens.

Special Forces Commander Ernest P. Worrell receives his much deserved hero's welcome.






GOLFER 1: I think I got him in the pancreas with that one.

GOLFER 2: Yeah, good shot.

Good shot.

All right.

Whoo, boy.

Hey, great American hero.

Are you gonna make it?


Merely a flesh wound, Ben.

Merely a wound upon my flesh.





Gosh Ben, thanks for saving me under-fire today.

Baron Titleist nearly got the best of me.

A soldier never leaves his buddy in the heat of battle.

How's that bean head of yours?

It'd be a whole lot better if you'd let me drive.

Now, we've been through that before.

Oh, please, Ben, with sugar on top?

No, no, no!


You never let me do anything, ever since we were kids.

I let you do stuff.

What stuff? Stuff.

Well, OK, stuff, but you never left me drive.

Ernest, I can't let you drive.

This is an Army vehicle, and it is to be only driven by Army people.

I am an Army people, whilst you are not Army people.

Gosh, I'll never get to drive those big camo mammoths and jeeps and [inaudible] and tanks and armored personnel carriers.

Never, ever, ever in the whole history of the universe will I ever get to drive.


You could enlist.


Join the army?

Army people drive.

Army people.

Army people.

Army, Army, Army people.


I'm telling you, Ernest.

There's nothing like life in the defense of your country.

Know what I mean? [chuckles]

ERNEST: Ben, do they let keep my old underwear...

'cause I hate to break in new underwear?

BEN: I think something can be arranged.

I don't know.

I'm too old to enlist.

Not for the Reserves, your not.

Why, we got guys your age signing up all the time.

The Reserves?

Yeah, boy.

You'd love it, Earnest, driving them big rigs on the weekend.

It's like summer camp for real men.

Well, I was a summer camp counselor once.

The way you drive that golf cart, why you'd be a natural in Mechanized Infantry.

I don't know.

Look, it's not like you'd ever be in combat or anything.

I mean, you'd be stationed right here at the base.

I'm not gonna let anything happen you.

Never have, now have I?


Are you gonna eat those pork rinds?

No, no. You take them.

Sarge, are you ready to go?

I was born ready, Bambi.

Bambi, Ernest.

Ernest, Bambi.


It's nice to very meet you.



Let's go, Ben.

Women love Army people.

Know what I mean?

[news intro music playing]


Let's see--

Gosh, I wish I had a girlfriend.

CINDY SWANSON (ON TV): Hi, this is Cindy Swanson reporting for Channel 3--

Cindy Swanson?


CINDY SWANSON (ON TV): --who's just won the Hoffer Award for the most unusual locust collection.

You must be very excited. Oh, yes.

This means I get to speak--

[kissing noises]

--convention in Michigan.

What an awesome responsibility.

Oh, yeah, it is.

All the elite--

Oh, excuse me, Mr. Beetleman.

We're cutting away to INNI for a special report.

This is Cindy Swanson report--

It was mummified by a pharaoh.

NEWS ANNOUNCER: And now, for a special report from Frank Williams at the INNI foreign desk in London.

It seems that Almar Habib Tufuti, President for Life of Arisia, is saber rattling again as these satellite photos reveal a large intercontinental missile being moved across a southern province of Arisia toward Karifistan.

You see how far you can reach when you use the right club, Kibee?

Yes, I see, Excellency.

The eagle will shudder when it sees how far you can reach.

You know, I've never shot an eagle.

A few birdies, many pars, but never an eagle.

Perhaps, if you were to keep you head more still, Excellency?

But who am I to say?

This little beauty is from Pakistan.

It spits when it's in flight.

Oh, that's very interesting, Mr. Beetleman, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to cover this story at another time.

I'm sorry.


I'm sorry you didn't get to finish, Cin.

Oh, that's OK.

That story was finished before it got started.


You know, I have worked like a dog for this station for over a year.

I've done everything they've asked me to do, but I'm never gonna get to INNI reporting dorky stories like this one.

I need a really big story to put me over the top.

Well, you hang in there, Cin.

You'll get your chance.



Yeah, right.


The Army.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

I'd be an expert on driving those big rigs.

Gentlemen, this is your GNC Napa Sonoma Mendocino 3000.

It is the ultimate urban assault vehicle.

It has 67 cylinders, 3000 horsepower, seating capacity-- one.



It has endoroflex suspension, monoflatulating corroboration, and all models made after 1997 has the extra large cup holder.

The body is solid unibody and is made by the US Army Corps of Engineers.


Doors are optional.

This vehicle is your friend, it is your companion, it is your long lost love.

You will treat this vehicle with respect, or I will cut your guts out with a rock.

Do you understand?

Now, gentlemen, are there any questions?


I didn't think so.



Joining the Army is the best decision you'll ever make in your entire life.

Just change this cap for a GI cap.

Get rid of these blues and greys--

For browns and greens. And as they say--

You're in the Army now.

But what about boot camp?

What about tough GIs, grueling work, the breaking down of one's self-esteem with strong language, insults, and the clever use of profanity?

What about that?

You're not in the real Army.

You're in the Reserves.

We drive trucks on the weekend.

And talk on the radio.

And party all the time.

So it's time to rock and roll.




Because we're Army people.


BEN AND ERNEST: Poople? What's wrong with poople?


Comrade Blatz report for midi-sector.

I want to know how a pipsqueak despot like Tufuti get a pluton missile.

No excuse, Boyard, but we have no information of missile origins.

For that missile, Comrade Blatz, we could blackmail entire world.

Every nation on Earth would have no choice but to bend to my personal demands.

I must have that missile!

NARRATOR: So the wondrous hands that mold the events of men will set the great American warrior on course to his destiny.

While in other parts of the world, the weak and oppressed struggle to survive.

Knowing when to buy and when to sell.

It's perfect.

I am Ben-Ali and I know of strange and dangerous cults that own this city.

You can charm them off with the charm of the Geshua.

Get away from me, parasite.


Get away, and don't come back!

The charm of the Geshua is only one dollar.

I need to feed my sister.

We sick.

Feed at the baker's kitchen.

Now, leave us alone before I have you jailed!


What I was saying is that--

[indistinct speech]


Hey, come back here!

Come back you thief!

[grunts] [tires squeal]


Take it easy, man.

ERNEST: Sorry. Wow!

This is great.

Jock them, chock them, lock them, and cruise them on down the highway.

BEN: What did I tell you?

There ain't nothing like being Army people.

Gosh, Ben, you really mean it when you were talking about taking care of your buddies.

You're about the best friend I've ever had.

Every time, bud.

Every time.

[tires screech]


Hey, watch it.

Watch it.

Watch what?

What kind of idiot was driving that truck?

Want me to drive?

No, no, I'm fine.

I'm OK.

MAN: Look out. Hey, watch that car.

Watch out. MAN 2: Ooh, wow.

Ambassador, this mission is not going to be easy.

Not only that, Colonel Gullet, the Americans aren't overjoyed at being under UN command.

You will have to win this American general over, maybe find out what motivates him.

What motivates him is what motivates every American general.


[camera bulb flashes]



Shouldn't we be doing this out in the field someplace?

What's with all this stupid blue paper?

We use it to strip in backgrounds like Omaha Beach, Saigon, Baghdad.

Through the magic of computer composing, we can put you right in the action.

The devil, you say.


That's enough for now.

Get me the proofs tomorrow. Yes, sir.

We have a deadline on the press kits.

Right away, sir.

General, Ambassador Kitchen and a Colonel Gullet from the UN Peacekeeping Forces will be here any minute now for a 10 o'clock appointment.

Barnes, I don't want to talk to some pompous, stuffy, egomaniacal ambassador.

The press loves him, sir. They do?

Well, show him in!

Yes, sir.

Howdy, Ambassador.

Your Excellency.

BARNES: They're here, sir.

Act noncommittal.


I don't know, old bean.


Very good.


Good afternoon, General I am Ambassador Kitchen and this is Colonel Gullet.

Welcome, gentlemen.

Please, have a seat.

Now, what can I do for you?

As you know, Tufuti has been kicking up his heels again.

And this time, he plans to invade the sovereign state of Karifistan.

And on top of that, there is evidence that he has a pluton missile.

Ah, Washington doesn't want him messing up the oil prices, huh?



Rough room.

The UN Security Council has chosen your Reserve Unit as a support team for the UN Peacekeeping Forces under the command of Colonel Gullet, here.


Support team?

You wait a John Wayne minute, mister!

My men are a fighting, killing machine!

We don't take orders from anyone.

Especially some guy wearing a beret.

You're not French, are you?

Barnes, is this man French?

You know I hate the French!


AMBASSADOR: Please let me explain.

Colonel Gullet will be handling the day-to-day duties, but in matters of importance, you will be consulted.

Who will be making the press briefings?

Why, the General, of course.

Well, then, you can consider the 97th Reserve Unit at your disposal, Colonel Gullet.

Go on.

Go on.


All right, Pierre, our troops are your troops.

I'll brief your men at 1600 hours.

Yeah, it's a good thing.

The killing machine's only here on the weekend.



Did I say something wrong?



Have a nice day.

[phone rings]

Cindy Swanson, WZEB.

BARNES: Remember me, Cindy?


I've got something you want.

Barnes, this is an actual news phone line, not a 900 number.

The 97th is being sent in to support UN troops in Karifistan.

No way.

The 97th Unit is a Reserve Unit.

They're outta here in a week, and General Lincoln's leading the charge.


Wait a minute, has Washington lost its mind?

Don't answer that.

Who else knows about this, Barnes?

Only you, for now, baby.

Now, when can you and I, uh--

Thanks for the tip.

You're not gonna believe this.

I gotta call the boss.




[tires squeal]



Some drive, huh, Ernest?


Army life is great.

Hey, you want an Ooey Gooey Toad Gummy?

Oh, no.

They're too sticky for me.

It takes me a week to get them out of my teeth.

You just gotta know how to eat them.

It's an art form few real men possess.

We've gotta get to the parade ground like now.

Some big muckety-muck from the UN is here.

We're on our way.

[chewing loudly]

MAN 1: Move it. Move it.

MAN 2: Slow down.


MAN 1: Come on, you guys. Step it up.

Step it up.




Thanks, Ben. Come on.

Let's go, Ernest.


Do it as rehearsed.

ERNEST: Are you sure you don't want an Ooey Gooey Toad Gummy, Ben?


At ease.


Get me a close-up.

Men, God has truly smiled down upon you this day.

Out of the entire United States Armed Forces, you and you alone have been chosen as an elite fighting unit.

Never in the history of warfare has such an awesome responsibility been placed on the shoulders of such brave and noble souls as yourselves.

Colonel Gullet.

Make it snappy, Pierre.

These guys go home at 5 o'clock.

I am Colonel Gullet, UN Special Forces.

You will be under my direct command.

This unit will be my support unit.

You'll cook all the meals, clean the toilets, police the grounds, wash the equipment, unload the trucks.

You'll perform each and every task you are told, when you are told, while on this peacekeeping mission to Karifistan.


I can't go to Karifistan.

I don't know anybody in Karifistan.

I don't speak Karifistanese.

And besides, my lips will peel.

Soldier, do you have a problem here?

Yeah, I've gotta pickup golf ball next week.

What's that in your hand, private?

Ooey Gooey Gummy Toads.

You want one?

Get rid of them!


[chewing loudly]

Barnes. Sir.

Who is this man?

He's a new recruit, sir.

Have him flogged.

We can only do that in Singapore, sir.

[chewing loudly]

And the box!



COLONEL GULLET: General, what kind of Army are you running here?

You wouldn't find this bean head under my command!

Who does he think he is?

Easy, sir.


When they get back from Karifistan, you won't recognize this bunch of blockheads!

Look at you!

Shoulders back!

Stomach in!



Ew, ew, ew, ew.



Hang on, Colonel.

I'll get it off.

Stay calm, sir.

I'll have you out in nothing flat.

Here, I'll need this for leverage.


Here it goes.



Corporal Davis!

Hey, guys, hold him down.


Don't worry, Colonel.

You'll be able to breathe in just a minute.


Barnes, shouldn't we do something?

I think we'd better stay out of this one, sir.

[grunting] That's it.

Pull it.

Come on!

One, two.





BEN: What are you doing?


ALL: Whoa!






[clears throat]

How do you like that, Pierre?




I told you I'd get it off.


Know what I mean? Oh, Ernest.

Don't worry, Ben, I'll explain everything.

The General seems like a swell guy.

I'm sure he'll understand.

And, besides, no one is impervious to the Worrell charm. Please, Ernest.

When we go in there, just shut up and let me do the talking, OK?

But, Ben.

Ben, nothing.

I can handle the General.

Just remember what I said.

In the Army, you always look out after your buddy.

I'm gonna get you, Worrell.

If it's the last thing I'd do, I'm gonna get you.

You know, Ben, I don't think the Colonel is as familiar as we are with that "taking care of your buddy" stuff.

GENERAL LINCOLN: Sergeant Ben Kovsky!

[gulps] How tough should I be?

Like an iron fist, in a soft glove.


Remember what happened to Patten.

Oh, yeah.

OK, let's go.

[clears throat]

Private Ernest P. Worrell and Sergeant Ben Kovsky reporting as ordered, sir.

Well, Private Worrell, what do you have to say for yourself?

Well, sir.

Worrell, you have one weekend of military service and you have nearly jeopardized the entire UN Security Council mission!

BEN: If I could explain, sir.

And you, Sergeant Ben Kovsky, you should know better.

[heart beating]

The image of the 97th is at stake here, and now the whole world will be focused on me-- us!

I have no choice but to relieve you of your duties!

[groans] [thud]

Ben? What's wrong?

I knew it. Too tough!

Barnes, I was never here. It never happened.

I was at the Officer's Club the whole time!

But General, sir.

Call the medic!

Call an ambulance!

I learned CPR on Oprah.

[inhales loudly]


[machine beeping]

Hey, Ben.

How's my favorite Army people?

I brought you some stuff from the PX, but they're a little funny about what you could eat, so I brought you the pork rinds but without the hot sauce.

This is all my fault. What was I thinking?

All I wanted to do was drive the Army big rigs.

Ben, you're the best fiend I've got in the whole world.

Without you, I wouldn't have anybody.

And if I ever lost you, I'd--


WOMAN (ON PA): Visiting hours are over.

All visitors, please leave the hospital.

Well, I gotta go now, Ben, but I'll say a little prayer for you, OK?

You-- you hang in there, buddy.



[fast beeping]

[gasping for air]

This thing came out.

I'll put it back in for you.



[labored breathing]

It won't stay.



It's staying there now.

I gotta get it going.


[erratic beeping]

OK, you get some rest.


Allah, be praised.

Gentlemen, behold my special club, the pluton missile.

With it, I will bring the infidels to their knees and be leader in the Arab world.


Commander, I want you to personally have our tanks delivered this to King Chirac.



NARRATOR: Once again, history spewed forth a wave of aggression that swept the land, and everything in its path was crushed beneath the treads of its ambition.

There was little to stop evil's triumphant march.

Ben-Ali, you must come!

The tanks are coming.

Everyone in the village is leaving.



Yes, I come.

NARRATOR: So the beast lured the eagle by devouring the defenseless, and an orphan child wept, praying, hoping, looking for the liberator of his land and his future.

Even I could have told you he wouldn't go for that one.

It's the biggest story in the world.

The Americans sent to Karifistan and our own 97th Reserve Unit leading the way.

This story could break me out of this dinky little station.

Now, come on, Cindy.

You knew the boss wouldn't spring for a ticket to the Middle East when the 97th ships out.

Ships out.

That's it.


CINDY: Thanks, Danny

[news intro music playing]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: With INNI, you are there in Operation Sand Trap.

President Tufuti of Arisia has invaded the neighboring country of Karifistan today.

Our staunchest ally in the Middle East, King Chirac, has asked for intervention by UN Forces.

President Powell has ordered immediate deployment of troops.

Soldier, do up that lace.

Try to look sharp.

Yes, sir.

ERNEST: You know, Corporal, for your own safety, you should never let anyone else pack your chute.

Welcome aboard, Worrell.

Oh, thanks.

What's the movie on this flight?

I hope it's not another chick flick art film.

They always look so brown to me.

I've got two words for you, Worrell-- friendly fire.

You know, I think he's warming up to me.

He actually used the word "friendly."

Look at it this way, Ernest.

After Operation Sand Trap, me and you, we'll be desert heroes.

Desert heroes.

(DEEP VOICE) Legends of the Sudan.

What is the measure of a man?

A yardstick?


His heart.

His dedication to God and country.

The sort of car he drives.

Give me a man who will work through lunch battling insurmountable odds to spit his last bloody breath into the face of the enemy.

A man who will never once complain about sunburn or painful underwear itch.

Live each day as if it were your last because someday, he will be right.

No prisoners.

No prisoners.

No prisoners.

[muffled speech]

Communique from Interceptor.

It's About time there was some progress.

Yes, sir.

He is airborne.



Soon FIT will have pluton missile and Operation Payback can begin.



Left, right, left.



Left, right, left.



Left, right, left.

You know, I think I brought too much carry on.

I should have checked a lot of this--

If they're going down the hole, follow.

I shoulda checked a lot of this stuff at the baggage.

Hey, does anybody want a juice?

I think I've got some olive loaf.

Beautiful, General. Beautiful.

Now, if you could just turn your body toward me, sir.

I want to try and catch that flight of F-18s in the background.

N-- no, they're ours.

Their ours, sir. God bless them.

Now, sir, if you could just turn your head a little bit to the right.

I'm trying to lose that cold sore on your lip.

Shaving cut. BARNES: I'm sure, sir.

I'm sure. Good.


Stand by.


(SHOUTS) Charge!

And cut.

All right.

OK, Lloyd, let's do lunch. Come on.

I know this nice, new place.

Do you like fish?

This place called the Hairy Prawn.

You'll love it.

SOLDIER: Left, right, left.

Hold it!

Hold it.

SOLDIER: What's going on up there?

[inaudible] further up the beach.

It's a baby blue jellyfish, or gelacticus swim fasticus.

It is native to the warm waters of Zanzibar and feeds primarily upon plankton and other forms of--

What are you doing?

Oh, hi, Colonel.

This is a gelacticus swim fasticus, or baby blue jellyfish.

It is common to--

Shut up!

But it's still alive.

You're stopping the entire combined force of the world for a jellyfish?

A baby blue jellyfish, or gelacticus swim fast--

Give me 20, soldier.

Gosh, 20.

That means I can't go--

On the ground, idiot!


One, two, three--

All right, enough wild life education.

Let's move it out!



Left, right, left.

14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19--

1,221, 1,222, 1,223, 1,224, 1,225, 1,226.

One-- one thou-- That out to be enough.

I hope I can catch up to these guys.


You are American?

Yep, born and bred in the land of the free.

You ever been to Karifistan before?

No, never been further east than Savannah.

Well, there are some strange and dangerous cults and curses in the Middle East.

Yeah, I know.

I saw them on cable.

So you know you need one of these or all manner of trouble will befall you.

The charm of Geshua.

Let me see that.

50 bucks, US.

50 bucks?

Do I look like I have stupid written all over my face?

60 bucks.

60 bucks?

That's outrageous.

It has good luck too, at no extra costs.

You mean, it comes with all the bells and whistles and everything?

All of them.

OK, $65 and that's my last offer.

OK, but you robbing me.


All I got's a hundred dollar bill.

Wait here.

I'll bring you change.

Gosh, I hate taking advantage of a little kid like that.

I sure hope he makes it back soon with my change.

This is the Arabian Desert, gentleman.

It is hot, cruel, and unforgiving.

This is the chemical weapon the enemy uses.

It is highly toxic and can melt the skin off a tyrannosaurus.

In the event of such a gas attack, you'll need a working knowledge of your gas mask.

Place the mask fully over your face and adjust the straps to ensure there are no gaps.

Continue to breathe normally.

[exaggerated breathing]


It is an essential part of your military equipment.

It will be kept clean and free of dirt and foreign objects.

Abuse of military property is not to be tolerated.

Worrell, get back in line!

Worrell, get back in line!

Worrell, do you hear me?

What do you think you're doing?


Worrell, give me that!

[muffled speech]

Worrell, have you lost your mind?

Worrell, get back in line!


Can you hear me, Worrell?

This is disobeying orders!


Worrell, no smoking on duty!

Worrell, I'll see you court marshalled for this!



I'm with the press.

OK, you guys.

I'll catch you later.

Ooh, hurry up, man.

I'm bursting.

Right on through.


You wouldn't happen to--

And when the smoke clears, you'll be singing soprano.

And finally, the newly developed rock mines.

The one on my right is an ordinary rock.

The one on the left will rock your world.

Handle this one carefully, men.


COLONEL GULLET: They're very sensitive.

They're perfectly camouflaged.

A good bump will definitely turn you into a fine red mist.


Give me the mine, private.

Give it to him.

Give it to him, Ernest.

Eenie, meanie, miney--

One potato, two potato--

Paper, rock, scissors--

The mine!

SOLDIER: Ernest, give it to him.

General! GENERAL LINCOLN: I'm busy.





SOLDIER: Can I keep the rock?


Carter, Rosen, at ease, men.


Keep that take.

I want that one for myself.


[helicopter noise]

SOLDIER: Private, get over here!

Hey, Ernest, where are you headed?

I'm gonna go whip up my special pancake breakfast for the troops.

I'll warn them.

BOY: No! Stop!

Leave me alone!

That's mine!

Hey, what's going on there?

You leave that boy alone.

You saved my life.

I owe you everything.

I will return all of your money.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

It's OK, little fella.

It's OK.

Oh, no.

They would have killed me.

I owe you, sahib.

Here, here is your money with some extra.

Well-- well, what's your name?

Ben-Ali will be in your service for as long as I breathe.

I had a good buddy back home named Ben.

I am good buddy now.

Good buddy forever.

My name is Ernest.


Ben, close buddy to Ernest, eh?

Um, Ben, I've got to go now and cook breakfast.

Do you like pancakes?


I kinda thought you would.

[news intro music playing]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: With INNI, you are there in Operation Sand Trap.

UN Peacekeeping Forces have established a firm beachhead in Karifistan, but now Tufuti is in possession of a pluton bomb.

What started out to be a simple peacekeeping mission has put American troops in harm's way.

This deadly game may escalate beyond control.

Excellency, news from the northern commander.

Yes, Kibee?

Northern Karifistan has fallen.

The UN has established a beachhead.

The eagle has perched in your cross-hairs.


Tell the commander to send me four of his best men.

It's time to move on to the next tee.

As you command, Excellency.


(FRENCH ACCENT) Bonsoir, monsieur, and welcome to "Cooking with Ernesto."

Today we're going to attempt my world famous recipe for GI pancakes, or as I call them, crepes khaki.

First-a, we and a few eggs.




Now, we add the mix.

Isn't that too much?

It is a creative thing, Pepe.

You will understand when you are older.

Now, we add enough water to mix.



It is perhaps a bit thin.

We will add a bit more mix to thicken.

I see.


Ah, perfecto.

Now, it is time to test the grill.



Ah, Ben!

(MUFFLED) Ben, hand me the spatula.

A bababa?

The spatula.

Ah, a bababa.

A spatula.


One of these?



We call them spatulas.

Oh, give me that.


Oh, morning.




Wh-- whoa.



Good morning.





Sorry, that one's dirty.

Here, let me get you another one.



I got blueberry.

SOLDIER: No way, man!

Would you like the blueberry?




Have you tried these?





Needs a little syrup.

Ben, hand me the syrup.

Thanks. [chuckles]

Mm. Mm.

That's better.





Ben, what do you want for breakfast?

I think I'll take my chances on the street.

Can you get me a cheeseburger?


Excuse me.

Guy, oh.


They hate it when you punch holes in these armored personnel carriers.

Has this happened before?

Only on pancake day.

Usually, the eggs just kinda eat the paint off.


Could you, um--

Never mind, it's OK.

I can't believe it.

It's my dream come true.

It's-- it's Cindy Swanson.

She's here at Karifistan.

Is that your girlfriend?

Well, no.

Not really my girlfriend.

We just kind of--

I mean, I just know her from seeing her on the Channel 3 News.

Oh, this is my lucky day.

See, the Geshua charm works.

Can I help you with your bags?

Oh, are you a mirage?

No, ma'am.

Southern Baptist.

Thank you, I'm Cindy Sw--

I know, you're Cindy Swanson from Channel 3 in the states.

I'm your biggest fan.

And you are?

Oh, Private Ernest P. Worrell, at your service.

At ease, Worrell. Oh, hi, Colonel.

This is Cindy Swanson.

You know, from Channel 3 in the states?

A close personal friend of mine.

Colonel Bradley Gullet.


I'll take it from here, Worrell.

Oh, really, sir, it's no trouble at all.

I said I'll take it from here.

Yeah, Cindy, the Colonel can handle your bags.

He's real strong.

I'll see you around, Cindy.

Thanks, Ernest.

You're a reporter, huh? Mm-hm.

Well, stick with me, Miss Swanson.

When it comes to getting a scoop, it's strictly who you know.

Private Dawson, get those bags.

I guess the Geshua charm didn't work so well.

Neither did the Worrell charm.

There are many ways to feed a camel, Master.

Know what I mean?

Do you mean Cindy is a camel master?


All right.

Now, remember General, be sure to look straight into the cameras.

America, and the rest of the world, is staring back at you.

Can I look at my notes? Don't look at your notes.

Don't look at my notes?

BARNES: Don't look at your notes.

And don't take any questions from that round haircut at CBS.

Oh, I hate that dork. Yeah, me too.

You got your Nam metals on?


Act natural, warm.

Friendly, but firm. Firm.

Firm. A general's firm.

A general's firm. All right.

That's right, tiger.

Now, get out there and take your best shot.


What if I get a book deal out of this?

Don't worry, we'll get a ghostwriter.

A ghostwriter? Powell's got a ghostwriter.

Really? I did not know that.

Run along.

Run along.

REPORTER: General!


COLONEL GULLET: Gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

It appears Tufuti has more firepower than anticipated, so we must escalate the contact.

You men will be moving toward the front lines at 0600 hours.

That's in three hours from now.

Nighty night.

Sleep tight.

SOLDIER 1: Boy SOLDIER 2: Oh, man.

I thought we were a supply unit.

I didn't think we'd actually see combat.



Don't be afraid, Corporal Davis, Ernest is the great American warrior my father talked about.

He will protect us all.

That's right.

I'll just-- Ben!

What are you doing under there?

I stick by my good buddy Ernest.

You said buddies stick together.

Oh, Ben, you can't stay here.

You've got to go home.

Your folks will worry about you.

Did you hear me, Ben?

You've got to go home.

I have no home.

This is my home now.

Well, what about your family?

My mother was killed by Tufuti's [inaudible], and my father went to fight in the resistance and never came home.


I'm sorry, Ben.

Don't worry.

Everything's gonna be OK.

I know what it's like to be alone.

Good night, son.


Where are they going?

DAVIS: I have no idea, but I think the Colonel's gonna be the first one of us to see some action.

BEN-ALI: Ernest! Come on, Ernest.

Let's go. BEN-ALI: Ernest!


Where are you going?

We've got to go to the front to help the soldiers.

I go too. Oh, no, Ben.

This is no place for a boy.

I am not a boy.

I'm a brave warrior like Ernest.

I'm sorry, Ben, but you're gonna have to stay here.

What about sticking by your buddy?

I'm sorry, Ben.

We've got to go.

We'll be back.

He'll never come back.



Yes, Kibee?

These are the men you sent for.

I need to put a face on this invasion.

A sympathetic face.

One that will ensure media attention.

An American face.


[all laugh]

Out! Out!



Colonel Gullet, where are we?

We're about three steps from heaven.


Colonel Gullet, please!

Let's just stick to the problem at hand.

I'm trying to get back to this base.

Look, I'm not used to taking no for an answer.

When I see something I want, I go--



Say, you fellas look like you're from around here.

Would you happen to know where this place--


[muffled screaming]

[news intro music playing]

NEWS ANNOUNCER: With INNI, you are there in Operation Sand Trap.

I'm Frank Williams, and we're waiting for a briefing from General Rodney Lincoln, perhaps the most colorful of all the allied commanders of Operation Sand Trap.

And what a voice.

At approximately 1800 hours today the Allied Forces will begin carpet bombing Sectors 30, 31, and 32, along with 200 sorties as preparatory to ground assault.

BARNES: Slip the map.


Now the color.

GENERAL LINCOLN: And if Tutti Frutti has the common sense of a duck, he'll tuck that keester of his up under that beach blanket he wears for a hat and hightail it out of there like a jack rabbit in a Louisiana oil spill.

That a boy.

Any questions?


CINDY: Gullet.


Wake up, you creep.

I can't believe you got me into this.

Hey, look.

Look who's out there.

What is it?

It's President Tufuti.


In the flesh.

He standing over by the oasis with those goons who captured us.


The only enemy base near an oasis is in Sector 32.

Sector 32.


Now we know where we are, no thanks to you.

Too bad nobody else does.

Look, I'm sorry.

I didn't know we were close to enemy lines.

Yeah, well, you're gonna be real sorry in a minute because they're headed this way.

Untie them.


[speaking arabic]

I trust you are content with your accommodations, and that your journey into our little country has been a pleasant one?

Mr. President.

For Life. Whatever.

You must forgive these ruffians.

They're not very polite sometimes.

Ah, a member of the press and a lovely one, at that.




I hear you.

Hold it up, Ernest.

It looks like headquarters has changed their mind again.

I'll be in the communications truck.

I can't believe they're doing this to us.

We just got here.

That's Army intelligence for you.

Hey, has anybody seen Colonel Gullet?

He's been gone all day.

Maybe that reporterette's got him tied up.

Maybe somebody should go looking for him.

I'd volunteer.

What's the deal here, Chuck?

They're calling for a bug out.

The F-18s are bombing the entire area at 1800 hours.


This is neat.

Do you get wrestling here?

You know, the Undertaker's gonna be on Monday Night Raw this week. Really?


Barbed wire.

Mm, good match.


It is now--

Hey, don't touch this stuff.

--Arisian troops have at least two hostages.

A British Colonel and an American woman.

We go now to a satellite feed of a videotape we received moments ago from somewhere in the Middle East.

I am Colonel Bradley Gullet.

Oh, look.

It's the Colonel and Cindy.

Well, at least they're safe.

--invasion of the sovereign nation of Karifistan.

I'm Cindy Swanson, a news reporter for Channel 3--

Channel 32.

Ain't she something?

She's the best reporter Channel 3 ever had, and she smells good too.

But she said Channel 32.

No, she's on Channel 3.

I watch her all the time.

No, she said Channel 32.

Wait a minute.

CINDY (ON TV): We denounce the American allies--

Maybe she's trying to tell us something.

Channel 32.

Again, this is Cindy Swanson, for Channel 32.

Channel 32?

Channel 32?

Maybe she meant Sector 32.


No, she said Channel 32.

Therefore, the code word is "Channel."


Soon there will be a liberator.



I've got a full canteen and a flashlight.

We can be back before anybody knows we're gone.

No, Ernest, that's Air Rescue's job.

But what about the Colonel and Cindy?

Don't they count?

I'm sorry about the girl, but she's the media and not our responsibility.

As for the Colonel, he's not the Sarge.

Can't we do something?

Get in, Ernest.

That's an order!

I'm sorry, sir.

I know it's high treason, and probably very rude, but a real soldier wouldn't leave those people out there.

And Ironically, neither will I.

Ernest, get back here!

NARRATOR: And so, it will come to pass, that the great American warrior will plunge himself into the vast wasteland of death.

He alone, a human spear, thrusting the heart of the beast.

Kibee, bring me the UN Colonel.

As you desire, Mr. President--

For Life.

Colonel Gullet, it is time.


What's going on?

Where are you taking him?


It looks like I'm first.

Sorry, Cindy.

We'll be back for you, Miss Swanson.

No hurry.

[helicopter noise]

Well, Colonel, you look very good on television.

I think you should consider it as a career.

I held up my end of the deal, Tufuti.

I delivered you your news correspondent, now pay me my money.

I don't think you're in such a good position to be demanding anything.

You'll die for this, Tufuti.

Strap him to the missile.

We'll send him back to his friends.

You'll die for this!

Kibee, my club.

[wind howling]





The desert sun certainly has a diverse effect on chocolate milk.

BEN-ALI: Ernest!

Where's Ernest?

Have you seen Ernest?


Where's Ernest?

Have you seen Ernest?

Where's Ernest?


Where's Ernest? Have you seen Ernest?

No, Ben. He went off into the desert.

He did?

He thinks he's gonna save the Colonel and that reporter.

Which way did he go?

I can't talk. I gotta go.

What did he say?

I gotta go.

SOLDIER: Let's go now.

Quit standing around.

Grab that box.

Let's go, gentlemen.


[wind howling]

My lips are peeling.

[smacking lips]

DAVIS: He just headed off toward Sector 32.

I tried to stop him, but he just kept going.

BARNES: Sector 32?

We're just about to turn that wasteland into more wasteland.

Who else have you told about this?

DAVIS: No one.

BARNES: You keep it to yourself, soldier.

I'll handle it from here.

DAVIS: Yes, sir.

Sector 32.

BARNES: Prepare to launch assault.

OK, this shouldn't be hard.

Lift one foot.

Now, easy.

One step at a time.

Don't disturb the sand.



Sand angels.



Poisoned barbed wire.

A feeble attempt to frighten the lesser minds.





Well, at least I didn't get poisoned.





Oh, yeah.






If it hadn't been for my stealth-like ninja moves, I never would have made it this far.

I am poultry in motion.


[incoherent mumbling]



My people, today we celebrate tomorrow's certain sacred victory over the Americans.

And tomorrow we will pierce the heart of the eagle, and all the land will praise Almar Habib Tufuti, President for Life of Arisia.


ALL: [chanting] Tufuti!



For Life!

For Life!

Hang on.



The cavalry has arrived.


Private Worrell?

(IMITATING JOHN WAYNE) Well, you can call me Ernest, little lady. [shushing]


Where are the other soldiers?

It's just me.

I'm on special assignment.

I can't get this rope untied.

I can't believe you crossed the desert by yourself.

I thought you were the cook.

I am.

And a real good one too.

I tell you what.

I'm gonna have to lift this pole up, and you slide the rope underneath.




Where's the Colonel.

Well, they probably put him with the other prisoners.

How'd you get in here?

Ninja training.

I am poultry in motion.

OK, you ready? I'm gonna lift.

Yeah, yeah. OK.



OK, slide it.

I'm out!




Come here, private.

Oh, private.


Come on, private.

Oh, private Worrell.

OK, let me help you. We'll pull up.

Ready? OK.


One, two, three.

Pull me back.


Private Worrell, the pole!

Ah, the pole. No, I think I got it.

No, I got it.

Let me get it.




Don't let them escape!

Get them!

Get them!


We've blown it now.

Find the way out.


ERNEST: Dang it.

I-- I think I broke a nail.

CINDY: Oh, please, Ernest.


You fools, move!


Try that way.

ERNEST: Doesn't this hurt your knees?

No! Stop being such a sissy.

Let's go! PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Harder!




Try over here.


Beat harder!




How about this way?


OK, look, we'll just have to brave it.

Keep your head up real high.


Oh, Ernest, you coward, get up!




I can't help it.

[soldiers yelling]

Move it!

ERNEST: Let's go.

Hit harder!

They're still moving!

Grab the handle, idiot!

Don't just stand there!

OK, let's go.



PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Where the hell are they?

Spread out!

Kibee, you're in the dungeon!

Do you understand?


Oh, help us, please.

Please, help us.

OK. No problem.

I'll have you out of here in a jiffy.

CINDY: Ernest, shh.



Oh, oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Allah be praised.


You have saved us.

You must be the great American warrior of the prophecy.

Oh, shucks. It was nothing.

You must have me confused with some other great American warrior of prophecy.


Here comes the guards.


Come on, let's go!




[rapid gunfire]



Come on, they're shooting real bullets!

Real bullets? I'll go first.

Cover me.

Worrell, come back here!

CINDY: Wait!

Wait, Ernest!

[rapid gunfire]


Ladies first.

OK, come on.

Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on, Ernest.

Let's go. [zap]



Come on, let's go.


Kill them.

Take no prisoners.


We made it, Ernest. Yes.

We made it.

Oh, we did it.

Oh, look, they've got Colonel Gullet.

We've got to go back.

Are you crazy?

We can't go back in!

Look, you go on ahead.

I've gotta go back in for the Colonel.

No, we can go get help. We don't have to.

You don't understand.

Sarge said, in the Army you've gotta watch out for your buddy.

And Colonel Gullet's my buddy, even though he is a Colonel Ernest.

What we need is a plan.

How about an escort?

No, too small.

We need at least a Humvee. Ernest.

Ernest. Ernest!

Oh, that kind of escort?

Hi, fellas. OK.

Oh, no. Ouch.



He peels easy.

This is General Lincoln.

Commence the bombing on Operation Sand Trap.

The first bird's up at 1800 hours.

Whiskey, Alpha, Bravo.

My indecision is final.


You were terrific, General.

Terrific. All right.

Now let's take some black and white stills.

I think that would look more authentic.

Oh, Barnes, I don't look so good in black and white.

We can airbrush them.


You know, they say every man has a bullet with his name on it.


Here's mine, see?


I figure, as long as this is in my pocket, nobody can shoot me with it.

Oh, great, Ernest. [scoffs]

Don't tell them I've got it, OK?

CINDY: Done.

Tufuti, you're gonna get in big trouble for this.

I'm a noncombatant.

I'm a member of the press.

Yeah, I'm a noncombatant too.

I'm in the Reserves.

The barbarians think they can send an infidel into my camp to destroy my plans.

Who do they think you are?


Well, close.



Hold it!

Don't we get a last meal?

I could sure go for a pizza.

Pepperoni, sausage, extra cheese--

COLONEL GULLET: Up here, boy. --black olives.

No anchovies.

Maybe some chocolate chips.

Ready! Aim!

Hey, hey.

I could use my last phone call to call for a pizza.

They could be here in 30 minutes.

Look, we could all pitch in.

I've got tip money.

No pizza!


Well, what about a blindfold?

No blindfold.

What kind of a jake leg outfit is this?

No last meal, no phone call, no blindfold.

PRESIDENT TUFUTI: No budget. [grunts]


Well, I bet none of you have ever even shot anybody.

Kibee shot a man in the foot last year.

It was an accident, Mr. President for Life.

I have such feelings of guilt.

Act like a man!

Any other requests? Yeah.

(SHOUTING) Let me go!

[engine starts]



COLONEL GULLET: Where are you going?

BEN-ALI: Here we come, Ernest.

KIBEE: Your Excellency!




Let's go!

[rapid gunfire]

[tires squeal]

BEN-ALI: Get in, Ernest!

Go, Ernest!


BEN-ALI: Get in!


CINDY: Come on, Ernest. Scoot over.

CINDY: Hit the gas!

This is a job for Army people.

CINDY: Oh, come on.

Let's just go.




Kibee, where is my missile?

Where is my pluton missile?

I-- I think it has been removed, Excellency.

(SHOUTING) Bring me my desert demons!


In 30 minutes, the bombs will begin to drop, and this will be your finest hour.

Barnes, do you think those Brit generals look so sophisticated because they have those little pencil thin mustaches?

Excuse me, sir.

The satellite just picked up a truck carrying a large missile.

Barnes, there's no greater feeling than breaking the enemy's spirit.

That's how I met my wife.

Sir, the missile's headed towards us.


Barnes, pull out the big guns, scramble the fighters, get me the Navy.

We gotta nuke that missile now before they get any closer.

Yes, sir.


Oh, boy.



Worrell, stop the truck and get me down off of here!

Which way do we go?

Head for the dunes! Which one?

The white one!

The white one!

Eenie, meanie, miney--

One potato, two potato--

Eenie one potato!

Are you sure it's not meanie two potato?

No, no!

Eenie one potato!

PRESIDENT TUFUTI: Don't let them get away, you fools!

Kibee, faster!

Ernest, we're gonna get stuck in this stuff.

Nah, I used to be a mailman in Michigan.


Oh, no!


Worrell, where are you going?

What are you doing?

You're the press.

You're supposed to be non-combative.

Tufuti, President for Life, broke the rules first.

Now, is this semi-automatic or full rock and roll?



[rapid gunfire]



CINDY: One down.

BEN-ALI: More bananas?

[rapid gunfire]

I'm out of shells.

Give me another clip.


Get us out of here!


Hang on, Colonel Gullet!

CINDY: Look out.

OK, watch the dip, Ernest!



Base Camp, here we come.

Happy to report, the pluton missile moves to Karifistan border.

It seems Interceptor is delivering as promised.

Soon, world powers will be emptying their bank accounts into our coffers.




Turn around and go back!

You can't go through there.

This is no time to stop and admire the view.

Rock mines.

Oh, we're trapped.

Not yet, we're not.

What are you doing?

What I do best.

Are you crazy?

Get me down from here!



They're getting closer!

Put that foot into the corner, Kibee!

We're going to get them!

KIBEE: They won't get away.

He said he's been a prisoner of Tufuti's, and that the pluton bomb is now in the hands of the great American warrior.

I thought I was the great American warrior?

Well, you are, sir.

This is just someone claiming to be.

Oh, an imposter?

I'm sure there's nothing to it.

Well, let's check it out.

There's not room in this desert for two great American warriors.


Is this the man?

Yes, sir.

Oh, Your Excellency.

I-- I am so happy and honored that you would see me.

I bring great news.

You said an American has the pluton missile?

Oh, yes, and he's bringing it to you.

Oh, he's such a great warrior!

Is anyone with him?

A UN Colonel and a woman.

Oh, Pierre!

[groans] Come on.

Come outside.

We need to talk.

Just listen.


We'd better call off that carpet bombing before they take out that pluton missile.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Because we want to capture it and take all the credit for ourselves.


You'd think this was his first conflict.



What do you think you're doing?

Come on, Ernest.


Are you crazy?

Get me down from here!

You fool, Ernest!

Put that thing down!

You'll have us all killed!


Just keep the gas steady.

OK, here we go.


COLONEL GULLET: Stop this thing!


Move it!

They're getting away!

Look out, Ernest!

Here they come! BEN-ALI: Hurry!


ERNEST: Gotcha!

CINDY: Nice one!


This is a whole lot easier without clubbers trying to bop you with a six iron.

Here's one!

BEN-ALI: Yeah!



CINDY: He's unbelievable.

I believed it all along.



How about a double dip?

Assorted flavors.

There you go.



CINDY: Nice one, Ernest.


Ernest, faster!


Come on.

KIBEE: Look out, sir.

Be careful!


[cindy laughs]

You got the poop, I got the scoop.




Man, this guy can't take a hint.

Come on, Kibee.

Move it!

They're getting away!

FLIGHT LEADER: Delta, Bravo, one-niner.

Abort sortie.

Abort sortie.


We're heading home.

This way.

This way.

COLONEL GULLET: Worrell, where are you going?

That's it.

Stop that!



Get me down!


We're stuck.

There he is!


He's ours now!


CINDY: Ernest, don't.

Get out of there!


Come on Tufrutti.

Give us your best shot.

You have been very troublesome for me, but now I am rid of you!

[gun cocks]

CINDY: Duck!

Duck, Ernest!


KIBEE: Oh, no!


No, no, no!





It's only a rock, Excellency.



Ready to die, great American warrior?






Excellency, you are damaged, for life.

[kibee laughs]


[cindy screams]

Yeah, Earnest.

What a shot!

You have defeated the beast.

What was that you threw?

All in a day's cooking. know what I mean?

COLONEL GULLET: Would somebody untie me?

Oh, sorry Colonel.

I'll just lower this hydraulic.


COLONEL GULLET: Get me off here!

ERNEST: Loosen those on the bottom, Ben.


Don't worry, Colonel.

I'll have you loose in a minute.

COLONEL GULLET: Yeah, about time, too.

ERNEST: There you go. [thwack]


Now, move away from this missile or the boy meets Allah prematurely.


Interceptor confirms capture.

Rendezvous at Sector C-12.

Interceptor seeks confirmation.

Confirm his deposit of one hundred million US dollars into his Swiss bank account.

Dispatch a unit to pick up the pluton missile when he crosses the Karifistan border.

As Boyard commands.

COLONEL GULLET: Bank account number 639736412-12.

Code name, Interceptor.

Confirm bank deposits.

Got it.

I can't believe you can be such a traitor, Gullet.

It's just business.

Now, move away from this missile!

Look, you can keep the missile, just let the boy go.

The boy goes with me.

CINDY: Let the boy go, Gullet.

What do you want with a pluton missile?

Soon I'll be in a world where idiots like you are outlawed, living the good life.

Goodbye, Ernest.

Thanks for the ride.



ERNEST: Duck men!


Oh, Ernest!



BEN-ALI: The ropes, Ernest!

The ropes!


If it's gonna hurt, I'm sure glad that isn't me.






[muffled speech]

GENERAL LINCOLN: There they are.

BARNES: Keep it rolling, Lloyd.

Stop here.

The light's good.

Get me a closeup of the girl.

What have you done with my missile, private?

General, it's been neutralized.

You should be pinning a medal on Ernest.

Oh. Yeah, well, I--

I will.

I'm gonna put a whole chest full of medals on him.

Good work, soldier.

General, be careful what you promise, sir.

Shut up, Barnes.

You're fired.

How am I doing, Lloyd?


Hey, Ernest!

Way to go, buddy.

Ben, you're-- you're not-- I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I just gotta lay off the pork rinds.

Ernest, in my book, you're Army people.

Army people.

I'm Frank Williams, INNI European division.


I believe that you have all the inside details.

Tell me, what would it take for INNI to get an exclusive?

Oh, well, uh--

How long did you say you've been in your job?






Allah be praised, it is my son.

My son!

My son!


My son!


I thought I had lost you forever.

Well, I guess the Geshua charm really does bring good luck.

The good luck is that you are the great American warrior.

Wait a minute, Ben.

You can't keep the great American warrior to yourself.

I have some unfinished business with him.



What is this?

Oh, sorry.

My lips peel easily.


ERNEST: Cindy.


CINDY: Go away, Ernest!

ERNEST: How about coming over?

I'll make you some pancakes.

CINDY: Now, I'm grossed out.

ERNEST: No, really.

I make the best pancakes in the whole world.

CINDY: Ernest, I have one word for you-- lip balm.

NARRATOR: And so it came, as the years passed, that Ben Ali became a great leader of the Arab world and brought peace to the war-torn land.

And on every public building and street sign, a small, barely-visible inscription read "Stick by your buddy."

Know what I mean?

[music playing]