Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex \* But Were Afraid to Ask (1972) Script

♪ We're all alone, No chaperone can get our number

♪ The world's in slumber

♪ Let's misbehave!

♪ There's something wild About you, child

♪ That's so contagious

♪ Let's be outrageous

♪ Let's misbehave!

♪ When Adam won Eve's hand, He wouldn't stand for teasin'

♪ He didn't care about those apples Out of season

♪ They say that Spring means Just one thing to little lovebirds

♪ We're not above birds

♪ Let's misbehave...


♪ Let's misbehave

♪ Let's misbehave

♪ If you'd be just so sweet And only meet your fate, dear

♪ It would be the great event Of 1928, dear

♪ Let's misbehave

♪ Let's misbehave ♪

Well...

...a most excellent feast!

Hear, hear! Very good!

Soon we will retire to the royal bedchamber.

But first, as I have been victorious this week in battle...

...I wish to be amused. Bring me my fool.

Good evening, Your Majesty. It's great to be back at the palace.

You know what the palace is, 24 living rooms and a dungeon.

But seriously, I love the king. He's one of the strongest men here, isn't he?

He's the only one amongst us that can swim the moat lengthwise.

Cos...

I know you're out there, I can hear you breathing!

But seriously, ladies and germs, I wanna say that, er... that plague is really something.

Doesn't everything look black?

Cos it's a... a black... a black plague!

Save it up and let me hear it at the end, big.

And I love the new exercise His Majesty does to keep in shape.

It's called taxing the peasants.

But seriously, the... the best... thing...

I can't stand it any longer! He's not funny!

I've cut men in half for making jokes as bad as that!

But, sire... Get me a fool who's funny!

Go on! The feast is over.

Not funny!

Come on! Out, out, out, out!

I do a couple of impressions that you might like.

I'm one of the few guys that can do the King of France.

Not his voice, his walk.

If you've ever noticed, he'll have that funny motion when he walks.

Don't everybody burst into spontaneous applause on this...


Look where thou goest, fool! Forgive me, I beg your puberty.

Thou hast dropped the royal rubies and emeralds!

I fain wouldst pick it up and pin it and fain well on thy fain.

Aye, pin! Yes, extend thy fain, madam.

And on the knocker it hangs. Perfect. Knock!

Didst I feel aright?

Or didst I feel that thy two hands did upon my royal body cop a feel?

Oh, madam, not I. I surely would never lay my hands on the royal tomatoes.

Tomatoes?

Hearken to me, if my husband the king and my son the doctor walketh near upon these paved paths and heareth what thou sayest, thy life would not be worth a plug nickel!

But so beautiful do they lay one on either side.

That's the way they were made, fool. Away with thee!

I fell on my bells!

TB or not TB?

That is the congestion.

Consumption be done about it?

Of cough. Of cough.

Oh, Jesus!

My jokes grow stale.

I would my life take for a bare bodkin.

If only I could see the queen's bare bodkin.

Or anybody's bare bodkin, for that matter.

Or a bodkin with a little clothes on it even.

I'm so melancholy.

Guildenstern and Rosencrantz are dead!

Their tailor shop is closed.

Felix!

Who calls my name? Felix!

No one knows I'm here. Not even my service.

I am the ghost of thy father.

My father...

You who died in childbirth.

I cannot rest unless thee makes it with the queen.

But she is a queen and I am a base-born fool.

I can't screw above my station.

You must know, my son, that thy uncle, my father, poured hemlock in my ear.

Why?

Don't ask me why. He does that with everybody.

Whenever he sees an ear, he likes to pour hemlock in it.

Oh, Father!

See the sorcerer, my son.

The sorcerer!

The sorcerer...

He's gone.

Do I dare sleep with the queen?

And will she sleep with me?

Although she sleeps with the king, and he wears leotards.

The sorcerer...

Ah, an aphrodisiac!

Do you want a soft one?

A strong one? Or one that will... hmm...?

I'd like anything I can get without a prescription.

Ha-ha-ha!

This, placed softly in the queen's drink, will make her blood boil.

Her passion, unbridled, lustful.

In other words... The hots for me.

Exactly.

But be cautious.

For if His Majesty should get wind of thy intent, he will cut off your legs, your arms and your head.

Right... Five out of six is not bad.

Now go.

Yes, sir.

I think your eggs are done.

Halt! Who goes there? It's just the fool.

What business have you in the royal chamber?

I was just bringing Her Majesty her orange juice.

But why you? Where is her usual servant?

He lies ill on the kitchen floor with the pox.

A terrible pox all over his socks.

Get thee hence, fool. Yes, I'm getting hence. Immediately.

D'you like the way I fooled these guys?

Fool, what dost thou in my chamber?

Madam, I fell by for perchance you might like a drink, a nice, soothing potion.

Aye, well, I do confess a thirst. Bringst to me.

Yes. Wouldst grab some of this potion before the fizz goes out.

Isn't it wonderful? It bubbleth greatly.

Wolf some down, my lady.

Cheerst!

And Roebuck.

It go down bubblest, but it's fine.

Takest away.

Well, I have to go back now to the dungeon, to get a deposit on the goblet.

Wait! Fool, come here.

I have o'er me this extraordinary warmth that is flowing through my veins, that makes me wisht - nay, longst - thou should run amok over my entire body.

Make love to me now. Ravage me and take me now. Take me.

It'll be my pleasure. Take me to the bed. Make love to me.

Yes. To the... To the bed. Lead me there, fool.

Yes, I am. For this passion groweth within me.

Right. Come quickly. I cannot walk fast, fool.

The passion is so great. Right. To the bed.

Aye. Haste to the bed.

Right, over here.

Here.

The potion will be under the pillow.

In case you lose your hots, we can refurbish them.

Aye. Comest o'er! Oh, yes.

Run thy hands upon my body. I shall. I shall reline your brakes.

Aye. Mmm! Oh, God!

Nay, I needst the feel of naked flesh against flesh.

I'm all out of naked flesh. But will the velvet do?

Kiss me quick. Yes. Where is your quick?

Shh. Canst undress me now? I'm kissing my own arm!

Yes. Up quickly and I will remove the royal dress.

Oh, God... Mmm! Oh, God!

Takest off. Pullst not upon me so!

On thy feet, fool. This is not mockery. This is not games.

Ah! Oh, God...

At la...! What... What's this? Heavy underwear.

'Tis the chastity belt that the jealous king hath fastened on me that no man but him shallst havest the goodst of the body.

That's a bad break for all of us here at the palace.

Yes... Yes... Wait! Wait here.

I will go.

Here, now, with most grievous dispatch, I will open the latch and get to her snatch.

Quickly. Good, aye.

All right, hold that.

This key is too big for that lock.

J-J-Just move back.

Sorry about that.

I must think of something quickly.

Before you know it, the Renaissance will be here and we'll all be painting.

Her Majesty wishes to borrow this.

She has some food stuck between her teeth and I need to pull it out.

Forgive me...

Whoops!

No!

This is what they call beaver shooting.

I wouldst pick this lock.

There. We did it. It's done.

And now I am yours.

At last, the portals of ecstasy. You have got portals of ecstasy?

Be prepared! His Majesty has this day been awakened by a loud banging!

Be prepared! His Majesty has this day been awakened by a loud banging!

He will cleave thee in twain. Yes. Cleave me in twain.

Twain over here and the other twain on the other side of the room.

Aye, onst chopping block.

Yes. I do not look good in twain.

My suits are made for a whole person. I shall not have this passion fulfilled.

Well, quickly, lock up the... the thing that you have there. Lock the royal box!

Quickly! Quickly! Before...

Help me. Help me. I'mst helping, but...

Aye, 'tis done.

'Tis locked solid. More solid than any...

My hand! 'Tis caught in the chastity belt.

I always get my hand in the cookie jar, so to speak.

The king approaches. What canst we do?

The king? Aye!

Quickly! Into the dress immediately.

My queen! Where is my queen?

Very casual. As though nothing had happened.

Queen!

Oh, my queen, a most dreadful pounding did awaken me.

Making my mood most foul!

Oh, my lord didst startle me.

Aye, my lord. Be a good king, wouldst thou, and get me a drink of water?

The fool hath made the most jestfully quipping in thine absence.

Aye, my lord! Tickling the royal funny bone, so to speak.

Because, you see, 'tis most lonely when thou nappest.

Aye, my lord. For me, too.

I still don't think he's funny.

I got some new ones for you, my lord.

What's black and white, black and white, black and white and black and white?

A nun falling down the stairs.

Come, give me a kiss.

Of course. Stick out your tongue. Not you!

Now begone!

That damn fool! No!

I... I will accompany thee to the door.

At last.

At last, we are alone.

Aye, my lord. Come to me.

My lord, I wouldst...

Nay! Kiss me not! To the bed!

I will soon find that key. Where is't?

Ah! Here it is!


Tickles!

Aye, my lord.

Remember you said that if I was ever in town I should look up your wife?

I don't know what everybody's getting so upset for. I never humped her.

Just clean up my neck a little and leave the top full.


Your case.

So...

Give me a good "ah".

...down this side of my arm, mostly at night.

I don't notice it as much in the daytime, but at night it bothers me.

I don't want to hurt you, but how far up can you raise it?

Mr Milos, would you come with me, please?

Come in, Mr Milos. Come in. Sit down right over here.

I just want to get some history on you first.

So...

Your name is...? Stavros Milos.

And your address? Armenia.

Armenia? I am from Armenia.

I am visiting my brother. I see.

Erm... Occupation? Shepherd.

A shepherd? My whole family.

Except for my brother over here, who is a rug salesman.

Have you had any major illnesses? No.

None. Good.

So... Now, what seems to be the trouble?

I'm in love with a sheep. I beg your pardon?

I am in love with a sheep.


Oh... I see.

You see, doctor, up there in the mountains where I tend my flocks, it's so beautiful under the starry skies.

And I am alone. And sometimes it gets so lonely.

And the hours pass. And soon I desire a woman.

But, doctor, there are no women.

I am not married and...

Well... one night last summer, I could stand it no longer.

My body needed to be satisfied.

And then... I saw her. Her?

Daisy. Sheep?

I took Daisy off to a little cove, and there, under the Armenian sky, had sexual intercourse.

With the sheep? Naturally.

Oh... God.

It was the greatest lay I ever had.

Mr Milos...

Forgive me if I... seemed at all shocked. I'm sorry.

Doctor, Mrs Gallbladder's on the phone about her rupture.

Later. Later...

Er...Mr Milos...

Of course, I'm happy for the two of you.

But, erm... I do have other patients.

And unless there's some specific way that I could help you...

Doctor. Doctor, please. One minute.

See, the point is she no longer loves me.

That's why I'm here. Because she's fallen out of love with me.

How can you tell that? Oh, little things.

She's cold. Indifferent.

Speak to her. She'll listen to you.

Mr Milos...

You are...

...crazy. I brought her all the way from Armenia.

My brother says you are a great doctor. You saved his life once.

You need a psychiatrist. I am a medical doctor.

Speak to her. Please?

I can't talk to a sheep. Are you nuts? She's outside in my brother's truck.

Would you get out of my office, please?

I'm an MD. I'm not a veterinarian!

I bring her in. Don't bring any sheep in this office!

My mother just got finished paying for it! I know no great men of wisdom.

My brother says you are a great man. I'm not! I'm just an ordinary GP.

That's all I am! I'll get her.

No! Mr Milos! You don't understand.

It's not normal to experience mature love for anything with four legs!

Wait till you meet her.

I don't believe this.

Doctor, the prescription you gave me... I can't.

I'm sorry. I can't. Would you sit down? Would you sit down, Mrs...?

Doctor Ross, this is Daisy.

Oh... Good.

Erm... Why don't you take her right into my office?

You'll have to excuse me. His sheep has...

...a strep throat.

Mr Milos, I'm gonna have to call the police.

Can we talk for a minute? Mr Milos, don't put that sheep on my desk! Please!

You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't do that.

Isn't Daisy beautiful? Yes, she is beautiful.

Mr Milos...

You're a very nice man. I don't want to see you get into any trouble.

What I don't think you understand is that...

...you have a psychiatric problem.

You really need to see... someone in the... in the... psychiatry field.

I'm a medical doctor. Erm...

I know you didn't... mean any harm... bringing this sheep in here, but...

...I have patients, you know.

Kidney problems and...

...heart problems and...

Seeing a sheep just like that, it's...

Hello, Daisy.

She's so... wonderful.

I'm... I'm Dr Ross.

Doug Ross.

She's...

Erm...

Mr Milos, I, er...

I'd like to see the two of you again, but right now my office is jammed full.

Oh, I knew you could help!

Thank you, doctor.

As a matter of fact, if I could see Daisy alone, maybe, you know, I...

Anything. Anything!

Darling, what's the matter? Nothing.

I'm just a little tired, that's all.

Why don't you turn in early, then?

What are you doing?

Oh, just nothing.

No, you were fondling your lambswool sweater.

I was not fondling my lambswool sweater!

What would I do something like that for?

Well, God knows!

Doctor, Mr Milos brought in his sheep.

She's here?

All right, show her in.


Thank you. You can... you can go.

Hi...

...darling.

I know this must all seem very strange to you.

You from the hills of Armenia and me from Jackson Heights.

And yet... I think it could work.

If we gave it a chance.

A room, please.

Thank you very much.

Wait a second.

There you are.

Do you want the "Do not disturb" sign on the door?

Oh... That's all right.

Ah, all right, yes. Thank you very much.

Room service, this is Dr Ross in room 525.

I would like to have some chilled white Burgundy, a little caviar and some grass.

Oh, just plain, green grass.

That's 525.

Thank you.

Daisy...

Little Daisy.

Let's be gentle.

I'm, er...

I can't...

I'm exhausted. Just...

Boy! That was really something.

I never thought it could be like this.

Never in my wildest imagination.

You're really something special.

I love our L-shaped room.

I'll never forget these afternoons we've had.

I don't think I've ever known such peace and happiness in my life.

I hope you feel the same way.

Sorry. I'm sorry, honey. I was out when you phoned.

Emergency house call.

Hmm, you smell good.

Darling? Hmm?

Is it my imagination, or do you always smell from lamb chops?

Lamb chops? What kind of silly thing is that to say about lamb chops?

How could I possibly smell of lamb chops? That's not logical.

What... kind of cheap suit is this?

That's it with these suits.

Ann! Wait a minute, I can explain! We're just friends.

How could you?

This is Mrs Bencourse, one of my patients.

She thinks she's a sheep!

That's all! There's nothing to it!

...defendant did commit an adulterous act with a sheep.

It's most distasteful in view of the fact that the sheep was under 18 years old.

So what?

So Ann's left me. So she's taken all my money, all my savings.

My licence has been revoked.

But I don't care.

If you're willing, we'll get by somehow.

I'll get a job. I don't know...

We've been here for an hour.

That's what I ordered.

Waiter, I ordered two sauerkraut. I didn't order cake!

Waiter! Don't call me waiter!

I'm a doctor! You understand that? I'm not a waiter!

I am a doctor! Don't call me waiter! I'm a doctor!

Ah. Say "ah".

Come here! Spread your legs apart!

Couldn't you at least not have eaten this morning?

Isn't that...? What kind of a mess is that in there?

Daisy?

Daisy?

Honey?

'''I have finally saved up enough money

'''to come back to America and take my Daisy home.

'''You did a terrible thing to me, but now I've taken Daisy to the mountains again, '''where you will never find her.

""Stavros Milos.""


I have waited so long for this moment.

Oh, Fabrizio, my darling, go easy on my hymen.

Gina, your body to me is a cathedral.

Now take off your pants.

Didn't you like it?

Yes.

It didn't look like you were having fun to me.

Yes. You were wonderful.

But you just lay there, passive like a lox.

It was my first time. Did you like it?

Me? Are you kidding? More fun than laughing.

Maybe next time, I'll be more relaxed.

Yes...

Brava! Bravissima!

Marcello, do you know anything about frigidity?

It's all in the foreplay. A woman needs to be played with before you lay her.

How long?

Fifteen minutes, half hour... depends on the woman.

What about your wife?

Thirty seconds.

Lucky!

Don't tell me Gina's a problem.

No... it's not that.

Do you fondle her before putting it in?

Put what in? Oh, no!

I don't like to talk about Gina like she's a whore.

How long have you been married now?

Six weeks.

Play with her. Fondle her.

It's always the man's fault. Any woman can be made to feel ecstasy.

Marcello, last week, in the middle of... of...

She was watching television.

You must be doing something wrong.

Some women take longer.

Find her erogenous zones.

Her father gave me a map of them, and still...

Okay, turn over.

Over. I want to do a quick check on some parts I missed.

Foreplay...

Foreplay...

Foreplay, foreplay. Oh...

Foreplay...

Foreplay...

Foreplay...

Fabrizio, there is nothing the church can do for you.

If I could, I would be glad to try and make your wife come, but that is impossible.

At least you get pleasure from her.

Maybe someday, she will get it from you.


And here will be my new offices. A hundred people will work under me.

Yes, yes.

But tell me about your sex life... your wife.

She moans and screams and claws my back.

Six, seven times, she heaves to my one, like a wolf in heat.

Mine lays there and stares at the ceiling. Like a dead one.

Are you... small?

Small? Like a French bread. Small?

Okay. Then I don't know.

You're depressed still. No.

I'm fine.

You're still thinking about it.

Because I love you, because you're so beautiful, and I want you to love me loving you.

Please...

What are you doing? Take me. Do it to me.

Here? Yes, yes...

There's people all around. I don't care.

We could get caught! I know, I know. Do it.

Do it!

Oh, my God! Now she wants it!


Life plays strange tricks on me.

At the gallery she comes like an express train.

The next night in bed, she lays there...

It's the danger, my friend. The fear of being caught.

The sinful, mischievous, naughty tempting of fate.

That's what she needs.

Mark my words.

No question.

She is weird-city.

Well, then...

Did anyone see Fabrizio?

Fabrizio, listen carefully to what I say. You'll get caught.

It's dangerous. Don't do it!

We were nearly caught last week.

At the church. In the confessional.

I still have a charley horse.

Stop it before it's too late.


Ah! Ow!

Are you angry with me?

I love you. At least we know you're not frigid.

As long as we do it in public.

You'll get used to it.

I'll try. I knew we'd work things out.


Do we have to get there that early? Where is it written that we do?

Oh, Sam! It's Julie's fiancé's parents. You wanna be late?

Listen, Tess.

I haven't been feeling well lately. Oh, come on. It's just psychosomatic.

A tension headache by you is psychosomatic.

All of a sudden, you've become a psychiatrist?

Stop complaining. It's Alvin's parents, so it's an obligation.

An obligation? I don't like them any more than you do.

Or should I say it's them that look down their noses at us?

I heard that! I think you're both a little paranoid.

Alvin's parents are lovely people. They like both of you very much.

That's what I call a lawn. Nice, clipped. Not like my house, overgrown.

Did you hear George and I...? Who's your gardener?

Me! Me! You're the gardener?

Of course. Sam, did you see the roses?


Can you give me the recipe? You didn't make this yourself?

Excuse me. Where are you going, Sam?

To the bathroom.

Upstairs, first door to the left.

Yes. We prefer Bermuda to Puerto Rico, let's say. It's much nicer.

Of course, I enjoy wearing a formal gown once in a while, but when I'm on vacation, I like to relax and wear slacks or little skirts and blouses and sweet little hats.

We, er... Your husband and I had quite a talk.

He's a very... gentle man. Very interesting.

I'd love to. I've never seen wood carvings.

Well, I mean African heads, and we picked them up in, er...

Bimini. Bimini.

We got them for a steal. You won't believe the price we paid for them.

You want wood carvings? I'll show you wood carvings. Tell her.

You simply must see these. They're absolutely...


George? Yes, dear?

They're on the top shelf in the closet.

The closet or the bureau?

Top shelf in the closet!

Top shelf? Right.


You know, Bimini is a free port and we got a marvellous buy on them.

From Bimini, the Bahamas. Oh?

Beautiful, hm? Uh... yes.

Look at that detail. I'd like your husband to see these.

Thief! Purse-snatcher!

Thief! Help! Help! Get him!

Don't call the police! Oh, my God! What happened?

You know, I'm wondering... what could be taking Sam so long?

Would you excuse me for a second? Certainly.

Are you all right, lady? Just another crime in the street thing.

It's an everyday happening. It just happened to me.

You're really lucky. Lucky? Well, I don't know...

Sure, I coulda been dead! Right. Absolutely right.

Did you have any valuables in it? No, I don't think so.

You're probably wondering why... Yes.

I got a cold. It's dripping. I don't feel good altogether.

Oh, these young people today! What can you do? What can you do?

It's the society we're living in. But don't make a fuss.

Sam, what did you do? Fall in?

Are you sure you're all right? Officer, there was a bag stolen.

All right! Who's the lady whose purse was snatched?

It's perfectly OK, officer. I forgive the little rascal.

I'm sorry, but I'll have to fill out a report.

I don't wanna press charges. Really, you silly...

What's all the excitement about? There's a crowd. And police!

Police? Exciting!

You got me, too. I follow fire engines. Let's look.

Name? Erm... name?

Er, Jasmine.

Jasmine Glit.

Oh, that's a very unusual name. Oh, you're sweet!

What seems to be the trouble, officer? It's just a purse-snatching.

Purse...

I'm sorry, lady. I'm very sorry for you.

If I lose my baby, I... Baby?

Yes. Come in and lie down.

I'm three months pregnant. I'm sorry.

My gynaecologist told me to avoid excitement.

Please come inside and let me... Nah, nah.

My God! She's my husband!

Sam... Sam Le...

Yes! Sam Letterman!

I'm a man! I'm a man. Here. See?

Pull! Pull, George! Look.

Zip me down.

Yeah, look at this. Look at this. Look.

Huh? Look at this. Oh, my God!

Help me get this stuff off. Here! Take a look at that!

Sam, you should've told me, that's all.

I would've understood.

It's not the kind of thing that's easy to talk about.

Sam... we've been married for years.

I love you. You love me.

You could've come to me and said, "Tess...

"I have a diseased mind.

"I'm a sick individual.

"I need help. I need treatment.

"I'm perverted.

"I'm unfit to function with normal, decent people."

I would've understood.

Thank you. Tess?

I'm gonna see Dr Fillmore next week. I'm glad.

You're wonderful.

The look on their faces when the police removed your hat!

""What's My Perversion?"

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Lancer. The conditioner that grooms and conditions.

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Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

A most cordial welcome once again to "What's My Perversion?".

Panel members, you're all looking splendid this evening.

Pamela and Toni, so beautiful. And Regis and Robert Q, so handsome.

And we have some very interesting guests this evening.

I think we should get right to them this moment. So...

First guest, will you sign in, please?

Bernard...

...Jaffe.

Mr Jaffe, would you sit down, sir?

Pleasure to have you with us here on "What's My Perversion?".

You know the rules of our game. Yes, I do.

You get $5 every time the panel comes up with a "no" answer.

To start our game going, would you whisper in my ear what your perversion is?

While you do that, we will let the studio and the home audience know exactly what your perversion is.

Good. All right, panel members.

The studio and the home audience know what his perversion is.

We'll start with Robert Q Lewis. Thank you, Jack.

Mr Jaffe, is this one of those nice perversions that any guy might indulge in?

Anybody can do it. I'm sure you could. It's just a matter of wanting to.

I see. Thank you. Is this one of the perversions that might best be performed in the home?

Or could you just do it anywhere? Not necessarily.

I think that'll get a "no" answer and $5 to you, Mr Jaffe.

And we turn the questioning over to Pamela Mason. Pamela?

Is it something that is done with the hands?

You wanna help me on that? Yes.

I would think that would not necessarily have to play a part in the procedure.

And we give you a "no" answer on that. That's $10 for you, Mr Jaffe.

And Regis Philbin is up next.

When you're doing your perversion, do you have any need for props?

Props?

You know, whips or leather boots?

Oh, no! No, no. That's definitely not necessary.

$15, Regis Philbin. And now Toni Holt.

Mr Jaffe, would a telescope or a pair of binoculars be helpful to you at any time?

It would have to be... pointed in the right direction.

But I have to interject to say it would not be helpful to you, but rather to somebody else.

In that respect, I think we must give you a "no" answer, Toni. Robert Q Lewis.

Are you...? I'll take a wild guess.

Are you a rapist?

Hardly. No. No, not at all.

$25. And... Pamela Mason.

I'll pass to Regis. Is it self-contained?

Yes, I carry it with me at all times.

I'm gonna take a guess. I think I have it.

Do you molest children?

No, you're all on the wrong track.

Would you tell them what your perversion is? You already have your $50.

Yes. I like to expose myself on subways.

On subways. Sorry, panel!

And now the winner of this week's contest.

Each week, we give you at home an opportunity to play our game.

We ask you to write and tell us exactly what your perversion is.

We select the most interesting letter and we give that contestant a chance to act out his fantasy on the programme.

I present this week's winner. Ladies and gentlemen and members of the panel, here from Muncie, Indiana is our winner, Rabbi Chayim Baumel.

Well, congratulations to you, Chayim Baumel.

Excuse me.

It's not "Chayim". It's not "Kayim".

It's pronounced "Chaim". Chaim. Very good.

I understand, in addition to being a very distinguished clergyman, you have a very fascinating fetish.

Yes... You mean a hang-up. Yes.

Yes.

Silk stockings.

Silk stockings? I love silk stockings.

To touch 'em. To hug them...

To... To...

You wrote in your letter that what you'd like is to be tied up.

For this, we need the help of one of the members of the panel.

Someone to tie him up. Regis Philbin, would you?

Excuse me.

Must be a girl. A girl.

All right. We certainly have two lovely girls.

Pamela, would you do the honours? Love to!

Rabbi...

Now, Pamela is going to tie Rabbi Baumel according to the wishes as expressed in his letter.

I haven't had a lot of experience, Rabbi, but I think I can manage.

If you have any special instructions, please let me know.

Is there any special area that you'd like to have tied?

Not too tight.

There. Good!

And now a model from the Lucy Jones Modelling Agency is going to pretend that she is Rabbi Baumel's governess and she is going to spank the rabbi.

You've been a naughty rabbi.

Not so hard, I have to be in the synagogue tomorrow.

Mrs Baumel, the rabbi's wife, who we've flown in from Indiana, will sit at the rabbi's feet and eat pork.

Take that, naughty rabbi! Now, don't you do that again!

You're bad! Naughty, naughty...

Well, there it is, America.

Another lucky winner gets to act out his fantasy.

This is Jack Barry saying goodbye and good luck from myself and the panel.

We'll see you next week on "What's My Perversion?".


Let me have 50ȼ worth of regular. You bet.

Excuse me. My car broke down about two miles down the road.

Could you send somebody to get it? Sure, ma'am.

Thank you very much. How far is Dr Bernardo's house?

About seven miles. Oh, damn it.

Miss? Yeah?

You're going to Dr Bernardo's house? Uh-huh.

Would you like a lift? I'm going there. Gee, that'd be swell.

Yeah? Oh, well, come on. OK.

Are you a friend of Dr Bernardo's?

Not exactly. I'm gonna be working with him, helping with his experiments.

Are you studying sexual phenomena, too?

Yes. I was a Biology major in school.

I'm really looking forward to working with the doctor. He's a great hero of mine.

He was the first man to ever measure the sound waves produced by an erection.

Yes, I know. Do you?

Yes, I'm a reporter for "The Globe".

I'm going to interview Dr Bernardo for a story in our Sunday supplement.

A reporter, huh? Mm-hm.

You know, you're kinda cute.

Yeah, why don't you just watch the road, huh?

What's your name? Helen Lacey.

What's yours? Victor.

Victor Shakapopulis.


Is Dr Bernardo here?

I think he wants us to come in.

The doctor's expecting us, so...

Look at this place!

Yeah, it's really great. Is your decorator still living?

It's chilly.

So, what d'you think? Is Dr Bernardo here or what?

I am Dr Bernardo.

You must be Victor.

And Miss Lacey.

Igor, I thought I told you to keep to your room!

Forgive him.

He usually keeps to his room.

You know, there's a big problem with domestics nowadays.

Come. Shall we have dinner?

Yeah.

I understand you're famous for your potato pancakes.

Dr Bernardo, you don't know how excited I am to be here.

I've waited so long to meet you.

I'm really looking forward to helping you with your experiments.

I don't know if you've read my latest book, "Advanced Sexual Positions: How To Achieve Them Without Laughing?"

But it's getting to be a classic. I am familiar with it.

It's wonderful how you men of science have finally gotten around to sex.

The girls at "The Globe" are so pleased with your work on respiration during orgasm.

A mere trifle compared to my real work.

Doctor, I read a statement you made, that you felt the average length of a man's penis should be 19 inches.

Doesn't that seem a little long? Long?

My friend, I'm making discoveries you wouldn't dream of!

Yes, I know. But... But 19 inches... I mean, that's...

Does that sound mad?

That's what they called me at Masters and Johnson's clinic. Mad!

Because I had visions of explorations in sexual areas undreamed of by lesser human beings!

It was I who first discovered how to make a man impotent by hiding his hat!

I was the first one to explain the connection between excessive masturbation and entering politics.

It was I who first said that clitoral orgasm should not be only for women.

They laughed at me, ridiculed me, said I was mad.

Ha-ha! But I showed them.

They threw me out of Masters and Johnson's.

No severance pay. And I had it coming!

But I showed them! Ha-ha!

Are we having dessert?

Oh, come. I want to show you my laboratory.

Igor!

Clean up this table, and hurry!

You must forgive Igor.

He was part of an experiment of mine that backfired.

Using an electrical generator, I gave him a four-hour orgasm.

He had fun, but he turned out like this.

Well...

Posture. Posture!

Here it is. Here's where I'm discovering new facts about sex.

Facts that will make me a great man one day.


Dr Bernardo, what is all this? Come this way and you'll see.

Here I'm studying premature ejaculation in a hippopotamus.

How often does that problem come up with a hippo?

Here I'm forcing a man to have intercourse with a large rye bread.

They're getting on famously.

Here, I'm going to take the brain of a lesbian and put it into the body of a man who works for the telephone company.

But why? What good will this do anybody?

It'll show those fools who called me mad! Come.

But, doctor, this is immoral! Nonsense.

The human mind is capable of many strange things. Look.

Each day for the past year, I feed her nothing but silicone.

She used to be flat-chested. Give me another year and watch out!

You're insane.

That's what they said at Masters and Johnson.

And all because I built a 400ft diaphragm!

Birth control for an entire nation at once!

Now you! You will be the subject of my newest experiment.

Me? Yes. Look here.

In here, I have 20 Scouts.

I want to measure your respiration when they gangbang you.

No!

Get away from her. Why don't you let her relax and enjoy it?

You shoot this girl and I'll sue you for malpractice.

Igor!

Victor! Victor, do something!

Helen, keep your legs crossed. Victor!


Igor!


Now we owe them a dinner!

What's wrong, Victor?

I think the battery's dead and we're out of gas, oil and water.

Are you OK? Yeah, I'm all right.

What was that? That sounded like Igor.

Victor, look!

Oh, my God!

A gigantic tit!

Oh, Victor, what are we gonna do?

I don't know about you, but I'm going home to get my catcher's mitt.

It looks angry. The nipple's getting erect.

Oh, Victor! Come on, let's go. No! They were all boys in my family.

Sheriff, I wanna report an escaped tit. A what?

It's already killed two people, Dr Bernardo and his assistant.

A tremendous tit.

Have you been drinking? We don't have time to argue.

While we're standing here, the countryside's being ravaged by a colossal boob!

You've got the most beautiful set of breasts.

Oh, shit!

There's something wrong with the radio.

Look, there's something wrong with the radio. See?

Oh, my God!

Jesus Christ!

God!

What is it? Relax! Just relax!

Be on the lookout for a large, female breast.

It's about a 4,000 with an X cup.

About a 4,000 with an X cup.

Let's go.

We're too late. He's dead.

The cream slowed him up and the milk killed him.

We're up against a very clever tit. It shoots half and half.

Victor, what are we gonna do to stop this fiendish tit?

I got an idea, but I'd have to get my hands on some camouflage.

I can get you camouflage.

Victor, please don't do anything dangerous.

Don't worry. I know how to handle tits.


Victor! I'm so proud of you. You did it!

Oh, I was so worried. Were you scared?

Do I look like a guy who gets scared? I thought you'd be nursed to death.

Everything's all secure now. You don't have to worry.

One thing bothers me, though. That's a single. You're sure that was a single?

That was a single. They usually travel in pairs.

No, you don't have to worry. I've never seen one by itself.

Two, yes. But not just one.

So we're gonna take a nipple print, just so we'll have ID on this one.

I think we'll put it on probation for maybe... 90 days, and then take it down to the orphanage.

There's a lot of hungry babies down there.

You both take care of yourselves now.

You were so magnificent out there.

I knew then that I wanted you.

Well, I don't wanna say anything about this, Helen.

I kinda had a personal stake in this case, you know.

I've never told anyone this before, but when I was a little child, I was breast-fed from falsies.

I've learned one thing from this whole situation, and that is: when it comes to sex, there are certain things that should be left unknown.

And with my luck, they probably will be.


Brain room.

Come in, motor function 12. Check.

His leg itches.

Scratch the left leg. The leg has been scratched.

There's a joke coming in on 4-1.

Prepare response for incoming joke. Joke response 18.2.

Smile, please. He's smiling.

Brain to stomach.

Stomach to brain. Over.

Food coming down. What kind?

Fettucine. Jesus Christ!

Italian food coming down! Again? Italian food?

Stomach proceeding with breakdown.

This is Mission Control. Mission Control. Please stand by for systems check.

Well, what do you think?

No, thanks.

Think we'll have intercourse tonight? I'm very optimistic.

The date is very beautiful. Have you seen her?

No, I haven't had a chance. It's been so damned hectic up here.

She's lovely. You should take a look.

Brain to eyes. Brain to eyes. Come in. Eyes to brain. Over.

'Focus on the dinner date. I want to check out something.'

You want the whole body? 'Yes, please.'

Take a look.

Hey!

Be a shame to lose this one. And how! Wow!

Any indication yet?

Brain to ears. Brain to ears. Can you throw some voice up here?

Yes. For me, Norman Mailer has exactly that same sort of relevance.

That affirmative/negative duality that only Proust or Flaubert could achieve.

Don't know if we're gonna make it. Doesn't look too good.

I'm a graduate of New York University.

We're gonna make it.

I'm worried. About a possible failure?

Yes. Yeah...

Anyone can have a fiasco now and then, but a few in a row can lead to a serious loss of confidence.

You can see what it's doing to morale around here already.

Don't worry. We're gonna bring this off.

My place or your place? To me, it doesn't matter where we do it.

Hey, why do you look so scared?

Goddamn it! Who flashed the scared expression? Come on!

Anybody press "frightened"? No one.

Must be a short circuit somewhere. That's all we need now!

Mission Control. Prepare for launching!

Prepare for launching! It looks like they're gonna do it!

'Attention, sperm! Attention, sperm! Stand by!'

Well, here we go again. D'you think we'll get out this time?

I hope it's not another false alarm.

Been having trouble down in Engineering.

I heard it was all mental.

Hey, you're on my tail. Sorry.

Heart factors are all balanced. We could use more adrenaline.

This is the adrenal gland. We're pumping away here.

Oh, my God, Sydney! Can't you wait?

You wanna do it right here in the parking lot?

Signal the voice to answer in the affirmative!

All systems on the alert. We're gonna try to ball her in the car.

Ears! Quickly! Ears!

I've made it in cars before, but always in hardtops.

Prepare for launching. Sexual organs, proceed with erection.

It's stuck! Let's go, boys!

Come on, get it up, fellas!

Pull! All together!

Roll out the tongue!

Here comes the kiss! Hang on!

Activate pleasure centre!

Can we have an erection? What the hell's going on down there?

I know you can do it, boys! Pull!

Come on, fellas! What's the matter? Don't just stand there!

What's the matter, Sydney?

Maintain hands on breasts. We're having trouble with respiration.

We're way over the limit down here.

If you're not getting an erection, something's wrong.

Proceed with erection. All systems go.

Let's go, boys! All together! We gotta get it up!

What the hell's going on down here? We need an erection.

We need more help from the brain room.

Maybe there's some trouble in the stomach.

Fettucine is moving along nicely.

A couple of injuries from the veal scallopini, though.

I'm not laughing, Sydney, honestly.

Now kiss me.

We have an erection of 45 degrees.

Shall we attempt penetration? Prepare for penetration.

Well, this looks like it. Do you know what it's like out there?

It's like they told us in training school. It's an ovum.

I'm scared. I don't wanna go.

This is what all this training was for.

Who knows what it's gonna be like out there?

You saw slides in class.

Yeah, but you hear these strange stories.

Like, there's this pill these women take.

Or sometimes the guys slam their heads up against a wall of hard rubber.

Oh, that's nonsense.

Yeah, or... what if it's a homosexual encounter?

This is no time to doubt our mission.

You took an oath when you went to sperm school. To fertilise an ovum, or die trying.

No, I'm scared. I don't wanna go out there.

We're too low to attempt penetration. The men can't hold!

We gotta hold!

We need more stimulation from the pleasure centre!

Organ room to brain control. Re-stimulate pleasure centre.

Prepare to stroke her thighs. We're on the thighs and stroking.

Attention, mouth. Attention, mouth. Please blow in her ear.

Erection is at 45 degrees and holding fast.

Readjust mouth. We're missing her ear and blowing into her nose.

Attempt penetration.

Thrust!

It'll never work. The angle's bad.

Hey, we're gonna make babies!

This is Mission Control. Penetrate!

We can't. It's no use! Hold tight, men! We're losing it.

What am I doing here?

What am I doing here?

It's going down! Keep it up, boys!

Higher! Pull!

It's no use, we're losing it! Start preparing an alibi to save face.

We found him tampering with the machinery in the cerebral cortex.

He was turning up the guilt reflex. That's a lie. I never touched anything!

It's a lie, sir. I work in the conscience room.

We found the conscience tied to a chair. He'd knocked him out.

Is this true? What if it is?

Don't you think you should be ashamed of this?

Sexual relations between unmarried people?

To take an innocent woman and assault her in a brutal, sadistic, ungodlike manner is...blasphemy!

Lock him up.

Sabotage is over. Blasphemy!

It's blasphemy!

Full steam ahead.

Here we go again! I'm not going out there.

I'm not gonna get shot outta that thing!

What if he's masturbating? I'll wind up on the ceiling!

No! Get a grip on yourself.

Fellas... Fellas, it's dark out there!

Shh! Shh! I'm due at my parents' for dinner.

Heave-ho!

Heave-ho!

♪ Mine eyes have seen the glory

♪ Of the coming of the Lord...

♪ He hath loosed the fateful lightning

♪ Of his terrible swift sword

♪ 'His truth is marching on...' ♪ We're inside! We're making it!

Memory, think of baseball players to keep sperm from premature launching.

Can't hold out any longer. Prepare for release of sperm.

Willie Mays. Joe Namath. Mickey Mantle.

See you guys in the ovary!

Save me an egg!

Well, at least he's Jewish.


Listen! Everybody! Everybody!

Can I have your attention? This is Mission Control.

I just wanna congratulate everybody on a fine job, well done.

I mean that in all sincerity. It was hectic, but we brought it through!

Ha! Well, she was worth it. Yes, she was.

I'll drink to that.

That was great, Sydney.

Let's do it one more time.

Hey, everybody stand by! Here we go again!

Attention, all hands! Attention, all hands!

Stand by! Stand by!

Give me a fatigue reading. 4.5.

Fatigue reading 4.5. Looks good. We're going for seconds!

Attention, gonads! We're going for record!

♪ We're all alone, No chaperone can get our number

♪ The world's in slumber

♪ Let's misbehave!

♪ There's something wild About you, child

♪ That's so contagious

♪ Let's be outrageous

♪ Let's misbehave!

♪ When Adam won Eve's hand, He wouldn't stand for teasin'

♪ He didn't care about those apples Out of season

♪ They say that Spring means Just one thing to little lovebirds

♪ We're not above birds

♪ Let's misbehave

♪ Let's misbehave

♪ Let's misbehave

♪ If you'd be just sweet And only meet your fate, dear

♪ 'Twould be the great event Of nineteen twenty-eight, dear

♪ Let's misbehave

♪ Let's misbehave ♪