Evil Ed (1995) Script


(Tape machine whirring)

(Knock on door)

(Sam) 'McClane. This is Sam Campbell, your boss.

'Now, open up, goddammit.'

Hey, McClane, be reasonable.


McClane, open up.

Fuck you and your bloody company!


You little maggot piece of shit.

You're going to regret this.


(indistinct voices on tape)


Who the fuck do you think you are?

(Tape stops)


I'm just another chunk of meat... lost in brainland.

Oh, shit.

Don't you dare to do that.

Put it down.

I said, "put it down".

You're fired!

(Clock ticking)

(Speaking Swedish)

(Boss on PA) 'Edward, can you come in for a moment?'


Edward, I've been asked... (Intercom buzzes)

(Secretary) 'Sir, I have a Milan Milanovich on the line.

'Will you take the call, sir?'

No. Er...

I'll call him back later.

Edward, I've been asked to lend you to another department.

You'll get your instructions from, er... from this fine, young man.

Er... Samuel Campbell.

(Phone ringing)

That's great.

(Man on TV) 'It's molesting time.'

Oh, I'm Sam Campbell.

Welcome to the team. Have a seat.

So, this is the Splatter and Gore Department.

Yes, it is. But right now, I'd rather call it the "Loose Limbs" Department.

European distributors have bought the whole "Loose Limbs" series.

We're planning on showing Part One all over Europe next spring.

I don't understand.

It's big.

It's real big. It is huge.

It's a $100 million deal.

But why have you... I personally think it's sad and very wrong.

But as you know, of course, there is legislation in some of the European countries that forces us to cut down a bit on the violence in these films.

You want me to... We're running a very tight schedule here.

I need all the extra resources I can get.

I want you to get started as soon as possible.

Let's say... (Man on TV) 'God, you're bleeding bad!

'Would you like me to cut off the other one, too?'

On Monday?

Are you sure I'm really qualified for this kind of work?

You're just the man I need, Eddie. (Woman on TV screaming)

You're perfect.

I have a little house just outside town.

Since we are just a tad short of space here, I've arranged for you to work there.

It is a little inconvenient, but you'll manage, right?

And remember, like we say here at Splatter and Gore Department, you keep 'em heads rollin', hear?

(Woman on TV screaming)

(Woman on TV sobbing)

(Chainsaw running, man laughing)

(Woman screaming)

(Phone ringing)

European Distributors, Edward Tor Swenson.

(Woman) 'Hi, darling.' Hello, Barbara.

'So how's work going? I... I'm not interrupting you, am I?'

Nah, it's OK.

'You never talk about work. Is it that awful?'

No. 'Tell me.'

No, trust me, honey, you don't want to know.

'Yes, I do.' Believe...

'Edward, I'm not a child, so don't treat me like one, OK?'


In this film, there's a scene where a woman gets raped by a beaver and then shot in the head with a bazooka.

'Oh, Edward, that's disgusting.

'I can't believe you're telling me this.' Honey...

'Well, it's awful. A beaver? It's perverted.'

Honey, I'm doing it for a good cause.

'I know. And I love you for that.

'Of course, I love you anyway.' I love you, too.

'And you won't forget about Emmy's birthday party next Sunday?'

No, no, I won't forget.

'Promise?' I promise.

'Are you sure?' I'll be there.

'And I thought we could start at 5.' Yeah, 5pm.

'Don't be late.' Sharp.

'Take care now.' OK.

'And don't work too hard. Love you.' I love you, too.


Come on, hon, show me what you got.

Do you like what you see, darling?

(Retches) Well, yeah.

Do you like my body, baby?

Yeah, I... I want your body.

Come on, baby.

You can have it.

Well, not all of it. I think I'll settle for an arm.

"An arm"?


(Woman screams)

(Tape stops)

Do you like what you see, darling?

(Retches) Well, yeah.


(Tape stops)

(Woman on screen) 'I don't feel a thing. ls the nail gone now, Dr Wrench?'

'Soon, my love, soon.'


Yes! Cool!

(Woman on screen) 'My foot!'

(Dr Wrench) 'Well, hey, don't thank me.

'Thank science.'

(Screaming) Hi, Mel.

Hi. Hi, honey.

(Screaming on screen continues)

Hi, baby, what's up? Not much. What are you guys watching?

"Loose Limbs 5".


Really, Nick, can I ask you something?

Do you always have to watch these kind of films?

Nah, I'm not all fucked up...



Stop it, Nick. Nick, stop it.

Nick, stop it. Who do you think you are? Hannibal the Cannibal?

(Nick growls, Mel chuckles)

Thank you.

Thanks. You're welcome.

(Screaming on screen continues)

Hey, Nick, where are you?

Hmm... here, Mr Campbell.

I hired a new editor for the "Loose Limbs" series.

I think he's pretty well set up for a while.

But I want you... yeah, you to be responsible for delivering new films when he needs them.

Sure thing, Mr Campbell.

Whoa. Damn.

(Sam) Hey, Nick. Yes, Mr Campbell?

Don't you screw it up.

No, Mr Campbell.

(Screaming on-screen)


(Mel) 'It's disgusting.' (Nick) 'Funky.'

(Woman on TV panting)

(Man on TV) 'Where the fuck is my chainsaw?'

(Woman on TV screams)

(Man on TV laughs)

(Chainsaw buzzing, woman screaming)





Hi, baby. Hi, honey, how are you doing?

I'm like cool. Fine.

You know, I missed you today. I missed you too.

You know, the day has just been... Uh-huh.

I got so much to do.

Why is "Loose Limbs 8" in my office when it should be with Eddie?

Number 8?

Urn, that's because, urn...

...er, I forgot.

You are a piece of shit.

Yes, sir. You'd better go now.

Yes, sir.

Any. . -

Are there any messages for me, Melanie?

Oh, no, no. I'm sorry, sir. There's no messages for you today.

Yuck. My God, he's so disgusting, you know?

I'm so glad he's not my boss. Well, he's mine.

The way he's pushing me around from morning till evening, you know?

Like every fucking day, you know? I can't believe this.

The way he walks in - he stares, and he's really disgusting, you know?

And he smells so awful. And he smokes a lot.

Uh-huh. I can't believe he treats you this way.

(Man on TV screams)

(Monster on TV) 'Come on, punk. Make my day.'

(Gunshot) Oh, hi, Eddie.

Come on in, come on in.

So, Eddie, what's your problem?

I... I don't feel so good.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I'm not sure if this job... the violence, or the blood...

I don't know if I'm able to continue with...

Well, Edward, neither do I.

So you tell me.

I want my old job back.

These films, they give me the creeps.

Don't forget your appointment at 10, Mr Campbell.

I won't, honey.

(Man on TV choking)


I think it's important that you and I are open and honest with each other.

You see, I'm not your mother or shrink.

I'm your boss.

I don't need to know your emotional state of mind.

What I need is results, Edward, results.

And if you can't give me those results, you tell me, hear?

Because if not, I'll have you fired.

But Mr Campbell, you can't mean that... Nice talking to you, Edward.

Have a nice day.

Mr Campbell...

(Man on TV) 'Hey, honey, Daddy's back.'

(Woman on TV) 'Oh, no, oh, no.

(Ivl_ Ne!'

(Man) 'Pain.

'Don't you love it?' (Laughs)

(Woman screams) (Man) 'Oops, did it hurt?'

(Woman) 'N0!' (Man) 'Stop that.

'Stop it.


'Don't you fucking look at me!'

(Blade swooshes, woman screams)

(Tape rewinds)

(Man) 'Don't you fucking look at me!'

(Blade swooshes)

(Woman screams)

(Tape rewinds)

(Man) 'You maggot little piece of...

'Don't you fucking look at me!'

(Blade swooshes)

(Tape rewinds)

Don't you fucking look at me!


(Phone ringing)


(Sam) 'Hello. Eddie?'

Yes, it's me. 'This is Sam at European.

'Are you OK?'

I think I maybe should be taken to a hospital.

Uh-huh. What's wrong?

Are you feeling ill, homesick?

I don't know.

Don't worry.

It'll probably pass.

Great. Look...

Give me a break, will you?

I'm coming out to visit you tomorrow.

You know? I want to check things out.


It's your world.

I just live in it.

'See you tomorrow then, Eddie.'

(Eddie) My God, what's happening to me?

(I Romantic music playing)

(I Music stops abruptly)

(Crow caws)

Hi, I'm from European.


You brought "Loose Limbs 7"?

Yeah, sure did.

Huh... Great movie.

"Great movie"?

9O minutes of condensed sex and violence - do you call that a great movie?

Do you have the slightest idea of what a moral and ethical principle is?

Hey, man, relax. You shouldn't take things too seriously.

I'm perfectly relaxed. (Pencil snaps)

Now, give me that film and get the hell out of here.


(I Humming)


I don't feel a thing. ls the nail gone now, Dr Wrench?

(Blade swooshes)

Soon, my love, soon.

My foot!

Well, hey, don't thank me.

Thank science. (Screams)



(Announcer) "'Loose Limbs 5: The Anatomy of Fear".

'Corning soon to a theatre near you.'

(Eddie) And now, it's dark.



(Baby crying)

I'm still waiting.

I don't understand.

Waiting for what?

For you to prove yourself.

You've got such potential.

It would be a real waste if you didn't put it to use.

The whole world needs to be corrected.

There's much work to be done.

I trust you'll be happy to do your part.

I try to do my best.

Yes, I know about your work.

And let me be honest - I'm far from pleased.

You know what's shown on the screen is a mere reflection of s0me0ne's ungodly, sick mind.

You have to remove these minds or else nothing is won.

Just remember not to expect any gratitude.

Look what they did to me.

And all I wanted was to free them from evil.



You know, them.

Yeah, I guess so.

Come closer.

Don't be afraid.

(Breathes heavily)

You have a wonderful face.

So noble and so clean.

You know, don't you, that they will have to adjust?

They must be corrected or die.






(Clattering continues)

(Muffled voice, muttering)



Fuck you, man. (Laughs)


Close the door, you Nazi, or you're going to die. Yah!




(Creature babbles)


It's Sam. Sam Campbell.

(Knock on door)


It is you, Eddie?

Always nice with a warm welcome.

I hope it wasn't meant to keep me out.

You have some strange neighbours.

One of them got into the house last night. Yes, what happened?

It was a fight.

I scared him off.

And now you're shutting up the house in order to keep him out, eh?

I love that, Edward.

I sure do. I like a man who ain't afraid of taking radical action.

So, how are you getting on with your work?

Good. I want to see it.

Yes, of course, go right ahead.

(Creature babbles)

(Sam) Eddie?

Eddie? Are you coming?

(Creature) Bye-bye-

(Woman on TV screams)

(Man on TV) 'Molesting time.'


Sam calling Edward.

Come in, Edward.

Now, get that neighbour shit out of your head.

We have some serious business to discuss.

I'm listening.

I want you to answer a simple question.

Can you do that for me?

Then tell me this:

Where in the fuck is my beaver rape scene?

It's out, of course.

Are you nuts?

That scene's worth a fortune.

Oh, my God.

This guy's a couple of cans short of a six pack.

There was no sexually explicit footage in that scene.

No tits, no cocks, no pussy, no obscene body movements.

Get it?

Read my lips, not X-rated.

But it's... it's a disgusting scene. Make a note.

"Beaver rape clip stays in the film."

(Woman on TV screams)

I like you, Eddie. I really do.

You're a nice guy.

You want to do the right thing, only...

(Distorted voice) ...the right thing is wrong, as long as you work for me.

You hear what I'm saying to you?


(Normal voice) Eddie?


(Distorted voice) What the fuck are you whining about?




You spineless little sissy.

Come on, race me to hell.



Evil has shown itself to you.

Now, you must fight it.

Let go of your fear.

I'll guide you.

I'll show you the true beauty of hatred.


We who dwell in darkness know the most sadness and grief, don't we?

Being is hurting.

So my friend, I grant you a favour.

You will eat pussy in hell for the rest of eternity.


I want us to be real close.

Don't you fucking look at me.

(Heavy breathing)



♪ Disconnect dem bones, dem dry bones

♪ Disconnect dem bones, dem dry bones

♪ Now hear the word of the Lord

♪ Well, your head bone connected from your neck bone

♪ Your neck bone connected from your shoulder bone

♪ Your shoulder bone connected from your back bone

♪ Your back bone connected from your hip bone

♪ Your hip bone connected from your thigh bone

♪ Your thigh bone connected from your knee bone

♪ Your knee bone connected from your leg bone

♪ Your leg bone connected from your ankle bone

♪ Your ankle bone connected from your heel bone

♪ Your heel bone connected from your foot bone

♪ Your foot bone connected from your toe bone

♪ Now hear the word of the Lord ♪ Yeah!

Uh, hello?

Hello there.

Er... hi.

New films for Edward?



Are they any fun? Ha!

Not really, no.

I want films that are funny.

You do? Coffee?


(Nick) Thanks.

Do you have like, er... sugar?

I guess not.


It's hot.

You see, I really wanted to thank you for "Loose Limbs 7".

Oh, yeah?

Did you like it? "Liked" it?

Ilovedit So much pain.

I love the concept of pain.

Pain makes people so repentant.

It almost gives me a hard-on.

(Chuckles) Y-You're really something else, you know that?

Yeah, you're right. I am.



Be silent!

There's something wrong with your brain.

But don't you worry, I can help you.

Are you ready?

That's great, but, urn...

Right now, I'm like, uh, I'm a little busy.

Your disease is confusing you, my friend.

You need me in order to make sensible decisions.

Hmm, yeah.

Listen, let me out, you fucking maniac.

You fool.

But I'll help you.

Doves will nest in your heart.

Oh, please, let me go.

Yes, of course, of course.

But first, we must decide what should be done with you.


Don't you fucking look at me.

(I JOHANNES BRAHMS: 'Brahms' Lullaby")

One potato, two potato, three potato.




(Man on TV) 'We'll get you, you little cocksucker.'

(Woman on TV screams)

'There you are, you little motherfucking shithead.'

(Man on TV) 'Yeah! Yeah, man, yeah. I'm going to get her.'

(Woman on TV screams)

(Man on TV) 'That's got to be a gallon of blood at least.'

(Eddie) Oh, yeah, that's good, huh? That's not so good.

This one, that one.

Fuck this. Fuck this.

Don't say it. Say it. Thank me.

(Woman on TV screams)

(Man on TV) 'I need to cut out the other one, too.'

(Woman on TV screams, chainsaw buzzes)


Zip, I think maybe...

You don't think nothing.

You do as I say, capiche?

Load them.




(Whispering) Pss! Yo, Crackhead, if someone shows up, you make them leave, right?

So you stay.

What the fuck are you doing?

Shh! OK.

Stop the car, stop.


(I Music playing)

(Animal screeches)

T SS'!


You know, this really pisses me off.



Stay away.

You talking to me?

Are you talking to me?

Look, you're crazy.

None of us want to die.

So why don't I just walk out that door and we forget this ever happened, right?


This is dying time.

(Gun clicks) Fuck!

Mmm-hmm. Oh, what can I say?

(Sings) ♪ It's a sad but a beautiful world ♪


You fuck! I'll crush your skull and piss on the remains.

What the...

So you like headbanging, eh?

(Blows party horn)

(I AVESTA GOSPEL: "Amazing Grace")

♪ ...but now Msee

♪ Amazing grace (Groaning)

♪ How sweet the sound (Groaning)

♪ That saved

♪ A wretch

♪ Like me

♪ I once was lost... ♪ (Phone ringing)

It's for you.


♪ Was blind Hello?

♪ But now

♪ I see ♪ Hello?



Are we having fun yet?

We're going out to see your daddy.

But Mother, what about my party?

I'm sorry, Emmy.

Go and get your coat, OK?

(I Music playing)

(I Music stops)

Huh? What?

Zip... Zip!

Where are you?








(Eddie laughs)



(Woman on TV screams)

You wait here.



(Woman on TV screams)

(Chainsaw buzzes)

(Screaming continues)

(Woman on TV) 'Stop!'

(Eddie) Welcome, dear.


(Gasps) My God!

You look terrible.

You need a doctor. So?

I ran out of Band-Aids.

I'm taking you to the hospital.

Edward, listen to me.

So? I'm listening.

Why have you removed everything except the sex and violence?

Edward, you need professional help.

Don't you patronise me. You don't know shit about these things.

I'll show you, Barbara. I'll show you a good moral message.

Watch carefully.

You might even learn something. This is sick!

(Woman on TV screams)

Where's your sense of humour, darling?

Don't you see? This is what happens if you fuck!

This is outrageous. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

Barbara, I'm losing my patience with you.

I can't believe you just said that.

I'm ashamed of you.

It's terrible. I'm ashamed of my own husband.


Stick your cock up her ass, you motherfucking worthless cocksucker!

Yeah, I bet that's all you want.

Am I right? You scare me.

Am I right? Am I right?

What is wrong with you?

Come dance with me, Barbara, honeybunch.

Like we used to.

Remember? We were young.

We were lovers. Ooh...

Remember how we used to dance all night?


I'm leaving.


But you just came, honey.

By the way, I won't let you.


Edward, let me at least take you to the hospital. You're hurt!

(Mockingly) "You're hurt! You're hurt!"

I'm not hurt. This is not pain.

You don't know what pain means.

I'm going to show you pain.

Meet pain. (Barbara gasps)

Oh, God.

Have you been a naughty boy? Yes, yes, yes.

Nothing's wrong with me. I've never been more right.

(Screams) For God's sake, stop it!


Are you mad?

No, I don't think so.

I think you're just so fucking horny. Right?

Well, you can tell me.

You can tell good old Eddie.

Come on. Come on, say it.

"Mmh... fuck me.

"Fuck me hard.

"Oh, yeah.

"Me so horny. Me love you.

"Long time."

You naughty girl.

So this is what you play with when I'm not around to give you a treat?


Stunning little thing!

(Laughs menacingly)



What a pleasant surprise.

Now we have not only the big bad bitch, but also her little naughty... naught)“ daughter!

Come on. Come on.


Give Daddy a hug, hmm?

(Blows kisses)

Come, honey. (Blows kisses)

Come to Daddy. Emmy!



Take that!

If you ever try to touch her again, I'll kill you. Nag...

Nag, nag, nag!


It's adjustment time.

Don't you fucking touch me!

(Woman) 'This is the 911 operator. How may I help you?'

Is this the police? 'Yes, ma'am.'

Something terrible has happened. Please, come quickly.

You pathetic freak.







Come on, sweetheart, let's get out of here.

Hurry up, come on. But Mother, what about my party?

Oh, fuck!

Hide! Hide, Emmy!


I'm coming to get you, Barbara.



(Shouts) Emmy!

Emmy, Daddy loves you.

Daddy is going to cut you open and remove all that smelly stuff inside.

(Chanting) ♪ Daddy's gonna cut

♪ Daddy's gonna cut

♪ Hmm-hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm-hmm

♪ Hmm-hmm... ♪ Barbara?


Listen to this, Barbara.

(Woman on TV screams)


(Woman on TV screams) 'Stop!'



Don't you fucking look at me... mbitch!



All right, all right.

Get moving. Come on. Back it up.

Get out of here. We've got a job to do.

(Siren wails)


This man is too wild. Take him out of here.




He's psychotic. Give him 1O cc.


He's OK now. You can remove the jacket.

(Tannoy) 'Dr West, paging Dr West.

'Please contact the ward staff.'







So much work, so little time.


I knew it all the time.

I told the doctor s0me0ne's after me.

But they told me I was paranoid.

Is that true?

That's true.

But just because you're paranoid, doesn't mean I'm not here to get you.



Hey! Hey you!

Stop! Hey!

Hey, did you hear me?

Where the fuck are you going?



(Alarm bell rings)


Hi, hon.

I don't look so good, do I?


You look like shit.


Easy, that hurts.



I've worked so hard to make this boy pure of heart.

How do you think it makes me feel to see you destroy my work, you worthless little whore?

Somebody help! Help!

(Mel) Oh, Nick. Shut up.

Help, Nick.

No. Help! Nick, help!

Please! Nick.

Fuck you.



Where's the problem?


(Mel) No, n0...

(Mel screams)

Be careful out there, Captain.

He is extremely dangerous.


You heard the man.

Are you ready to kick some ass, girls?

Yes, sir. We love to kick ass, sir.

Nice tie.


No... no.


(Screams) No!



No... no!


He's been here all right.


Nice bed.

(Mel) Let me...

Bastard! No!


(Mel sobs) No!


No! (Sobbing)

Nice door.

Remember, this is an excellent opportunity to save a taxpayer's money.


(Mel) Nick!







Goodbye, dude.



Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. There's a fucking war going on up there.

Let me through. I got to get up. No one gets up there, no one.

Nobody. Man, let me through. I got to get up.

No, no, no... Nobody gets the fuck up there. Nobody.

My girlfriend's up there.



Nobody gets the fuck up there.

Come on out of there.

Come on out of there, you sick son of a bitch.

Come on out.

Come on out. Fight like a man.


Nice shot.


Soon, my love, soon.



(Demon) You had such potential, Edward, but you proved yourself wrong.

But I did everything you told me to, didn't I?

(Demon) Search.

The truth lies within you.


You tried your best.

But now you have to pay for your failures. (Growls)

Stay away from me.


(Eddie screams)

Rest in pieces, motherfucker.

(Nick) 'An empty feeling came over me when I lowered the gun.


'After all, Mel was amazingly still alive.

'And yet, it had been a bad and violent day.

'As I watched Mel lying there, 'purity and innocence personified, 'it all suddenly became clear to me.

'Someday the world will be a kinder place for everybody.

'For the children, for the little puppies, 'and for everything soft, cuddly, and wonderful.

'Someday, love will rule the world.

'It will happen.

'Oh, yes, it will happen.'


♪ Ezekiel connected dem dry bones

♪ Now hear the word of the Lord

♪ Well, your toe bone connected to your foot bone

♪ Your foot bone connected to your heel bone

♪ Your heel bone connected to your ankle bone

♪ Your ankle bone connected to your leg bone

♪ Your leg bone connected to your knee bone

♪ Your knee bone connected to your thigh bone

♪ Your thigh bone connected to your hip bone

♪ Your hip bone connected to your back bone

♪ Your back bone connected to your shoulder bone

♪ Your shoulder bone connected to your neck bone

♪ Your neck bone connected to your head bone

♪ Now hear the word of the Lord ♪

(Man) Watch this!

(I MANGO KINGZ: "Donut Lady")

♪ The donut lady is backing down

♪ Ah-ooh, ah-ooh

♪ Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh

♪ She used to be slim, but now her belly is round

♪ Ah-ooh, ah-ooh

♪ Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh

♪ If you see her, run her down

♪ You never know when she'll be back in town

♪ The donut lady never wears a frown

♪ Ah-ooh, ah-ooh

♪ Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh

♪ She weighs over 450 pounds

♪ Ah-ooh, ah-ooh

♪ Ah-ooh-ah-ooh-ah-ooh

♪ Don't waste your time, you

♪ Just get your money and join the queue

♪ And then she'll sing

♪ Donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts

♪ Donuts

♪ Donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts

♪ Donuts

♪ Donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts

♪ Donuts

♪ Donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts, gobble-gobble, donuts

(Song continues in Patois)

(r E TYPE: "Fight n Back")

♪ We gotta get it on the run ♪ We gotta get it

♪ We gotta fight it back

♪ Typhoon on the rise

♪ We gotta fight it back ♪ We gotta fight it

♪ We gotta get it on the run ♪ We gotta get it

♪ We gotta fight it back

♪ Here comes the future, the fire that's burning as bright as the sun

♪ Fight it back

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

♪ We gotta fight it back ♪

(Distorted voice) 'The eyes of the killer...

'He never dies.

'He feeds on your fear.

'And he'll be back.

'He'll always be back.

'There are no shortcuts to losing weight

'in "Loose Limbs 8".'