Expecting (2013) Script

Babe. Mmm.

Lizzie. Mmm.

No. Mmm. Come on, please.

Mmm. I'm tired, Peter.

Baby, come on, just one.



♪ Take me to the moon, baby

♪ Take me to the stars

♪ Yeah, 'cause you know that

♪ You're mine, baby

♪ You know that you are

It's never not funny.

You really like it. I love it.

Mmm. Love you. Mmm.

Oh, yeah. Mmm.

Joyce, off the bed.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me.


He stole my fucking watch.

It's too late to be calling, Andie. What?

The guy that I met at the Hairy Lemon. We had sex, he stole my watch, which cost more than his fucking car.

Um, I think I have your watch.


You left it here when you went to the beach.


No. No, fuck it, it's my Dad's. I don't give a shit.

I'll talk to you tomorrow. - No. Wait.

Can I come over? Still feels like this guy stole the watch.

Hey, dog.

Didn't realize you'd stayed over last night.

Hmm. I should just rent out a room from you guys.


Hey, you want a muffin?

I got the gross zucchini kind you like.

You know, I had a friend who went through eight rounds of IVF before she got pregnant.

Okay, maybe it wasn't eight. It was more like two.

What are you talking about?

We should probably get going.

I don't want you to be late for therapy.

Therapy. I can't believe you're in therapy.

I just don't understand why you have to tell her everything.

I don't tell her everything.

Well, she knows we're doing another round of IVF, which, by the way, was news to me.

I mean, how are we even gonna pay for it?

We couldn't afford it the last three times.

Well, I could do some more tutoring.

That barely covers groceries.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

You know, you don't have to drive such an expensive car, Peter.

Well, I have an image to present to my clients.


I have said from the start that I would always be straight with you both.

And I'm willing to stroke the shaft, but I'm not gonna cradle the balls.

Because, the thing is, this is, um...

This is boring.

Yeah. Really, I've been watching the two of you.

You're drowning in the sea of boring bullshit, and I am choking on the fumes.

I mean, you have been coming in here, I don't know, maybe, well, over a year, and I don't think any of us have really said anything.

It's like we're talking about the weather every week.

News flash, it's LA. It's always sunny. Nobody gives a fuck.

So, let's focus on something else.

Thank you, Dr. Grayson, thank you.

Previous owner was a professor of botany, and he...

You can tell he took care of his garden, and rightfully so, considering the beautiful vista.

You would probably spend a lot of time back here.

Now this... No, you don't want to get wet?

Hi. This house just went on the market, and considering its beauty, it is probably gonna go pretty fast.

Where's the pool?

I'm sorry?

This isn't a pool. It's a fucking petri dish.

Hey, Pete! Don't sweat it.

I know you'll bring the magic next time.

Ciao, bella.

Douche bag.

Okay, so let's try, "He knows her".

Il la connait.

Tres bien, monsieur.

That's great.

Let's beach it up, bitch.

I'm just finishing up here with Justin.

Admit it, you're totally pulling a Mary Kay Letourneau. Could you shut up?

What? I want to meet him. Can I meet him? Shh!


Get it away. Just ignore her. Joyce, Joyce.

Justin, this is my friend, Andie.

Andie? Hey!


Andie, you okay?


Yeah, I'll be right out.


Do you think maybe you've got food poisoning?


Are you warm enough? Yeah.

I'm sorry, Lizzie.




this is just so unfair.

Hey. It's gonna be all right.

We're gonna figure this out.

So, who's the guy? Someone she met on the internet?

No, it's just somebody she met in a bar.


So, what's she gonna do?

Well, she doesn't know.

Come to bed.

I told my father.

What'd he say?

He said he'd support me whatever I decided.

And then he needed to go play golf.

You know, I really don't want to have a baby, but to get rid of it at my age seems a little gauche.

Well, you don't have to tell anyone.

No one would have to know. You'd know.

Here you are. Four sugars. Mmm-hmm.

Ah, sure you don't want anything to eat?

We've got an hour. No, coffee's fine.

So, how's your new roommate?

He sucks.

Talks too much in group. He's got a goiter.


Is that a thyroid issue?

He's got this huge fucking bulge right here.

And he likes to fondle it, so it looks like he's jerking off his neck.


So, you need me to bring you anything? No, thanks.


All right, well.

Take it easy.

Yeah, you too, bro.

Don't call me "bro".

What are you doing?


I was just, uh, thinking of, uh, starting dinner.


I want you to have it.

Have what?

The beast growing inside me.


Look, I know this sounds crazy... Yeah.

It does.

Just listen, okay?

I made an appointment at the clinic,

but I couldn't go through with it.

Not when I know how much you want this.

I can do this for you.

And I want to.

Just think about it.


I don't know what to say.

Say "yes".


I'm sorry, she wants to just give us her child?

I know it sounds a little unconventional...

No, it doesn't, no, no. People give each other children all the time.

If anything is passe at this point...

Mmm. You didn't get the tiramisu?

What about the father? Shouldn't he have a say in this?

She doesn't know how to get in touch with him.

She doesn't even know his last name.

Of course.

Why can't we at least explore this?

Joyce! Well, because it's not an expedition.

We're not fucking pioneers.

I can't even believe we're talking about it.

You know what? It's an insane idea.

Joyce! There she is. She's here.

Come here, girl, come on.

Jesus! She shit on the floor again.

Oh, God, it's 'cause she's been stuck in the house all day.

Yeah, well, she needs to be trained properly.

Come on.

What if he doesn't come around?

Oh, he'll be fine.

He just needs a little time to get used to the idea.

So, I'm gonna see you later, right?

If you're lucky.

Happy Birthday. Piss off.

♪ The train is gone, love

♪ It's gone

♪ It's out of sight Where did it go? I don't know.

♪ Good night, my darling Whoo!

♪ Darling good night

♪ Good night Yeah! Whoo! Whoo!

Hey, um, I'm gonna, um give you your present now. Whoo!

Ooh, I am so excited!

Oh, my God!

I was trying to finish it on time.

I'm sorry, come again? I made it.

You made it?


That is disgusting!

Yeah, yeah, being unemployed has its benefits.

Look at this! It's fucking cable knit, people!

Like, Jesus, is there anything you can't do?


Um, just.

Anyone want any coffee?

Are you sure?

Some tea?

Yeah, I'm fine.

I love you, lizard.

Oh, I can't take this, this is too unfair.

Oh, God.

Hey. Hey.

Can I?



You don't expect it to be so fast.

I guess when you have that much growing to do, your heart's gonna work twice as hard.

I love you, Lizzie.

I love you, too.

Come on, you guys.

So gross.

Ew, Mom, stop. You're already suffocating me.

Mom. Mommy.

I need a drink. Mommy.

Get me out of here.

You're a bitch, you're going to be a terrible mom.

I just don't understand why she has to live here.

It's just while she's pregnant, sweetie. She's all alone.

No, no, no, get away from me.

No, no, no, no, no. Get away from me.

Freak show.

I don't know what's gonna happen to me.


I don't want to be alone.

Andie, you're not.

Oh, come on, you know what I mean.

You're gonna find somebody one day.

I know it.

How do you know it?

God. I just do.

I just do.

Like I always knew that I was gonna be a mom one day.

Oh, Jesus.

I'm sorry. I'm so gassy.

Oh, my God.

Gaseous Clay over here.

Yeah, it's flying like a butterfly.

It's floating like a butterfly. It's gross.

Oh, thank God you get my jokes.

Always, my love.

Hey, make sure that gate locks behind you

'cause Joyce almost got out the other day.

Leave the gate open. Cool. Got it.

Uh, not funny.

God, that baby looks like it's uncomfortable.

Hi, I'm Betty. I'm a sonogram technician.

Hi. What's up, Betty?

No cell phones in here.

Oh. Okay.

Just try to relax.

Hey, when can we find out the sex?

Wait, wait, I don't want to know.

Okay. You can whisper it to me. No.

No, why? You can't know if I don't. Why do you even care?

I don't know. Maybe I'm just curious if there's a penis or a vagina growing inside me.

Just forget it, okay? We don't want to know.

We'll be able to tell around 14 weeks, so you two have time to think about it.

Okay, thank you. Cool beans.

Cool beans? Did I just say that?

All right. This will feel a little cold.

Feels like I'm getting kissed on. Andie.


All right, see that there?

That's the embryo.

Yeah, everything was great. Doctor said everything is fine.

We got a little picture to show you.

Great, great, sound's good.

Hey, listen, I got a call from Casey's sponsor.


Is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

Um, he said Casey can come home.

So, I thought it might be nice to have him over for dinner.

Oh. Um.

Of course.

Ew. Why are my hands all sweaty?

I'll just throw a couple of things on the grill.

Okay, well, I'll, I'll make a little salad or something.

Seriously, I feel like Clammy Davis Junior.

Okay. Feel.

Feel that. Oh, Andie!

That's like totally... Gross!

Gross! I know.

Hey, sweetie, yeah, I got to go. Bye.

You made it!

Got everything?

Okay, let's do this.

Jesus, that guy is totally gonna relapse.

Andie, don't say that. Mmm-hmm.

Hi, boys!

Okay, again, fast.

Faster, one, two, three.


This is coming straight at you this time, okay?

One, two, three. Yes! Awesome!

Hey, both of you do me a favor.

Guys, let's not tell Casey about the baby, yet.


What am I gonna say?

Sorry, you just got out of rehab for the fourth time, but guess what? We're getting a baby.

Okay. Just seems a little weird if we don't tell him.

Well, I just want to give him some time to adjust to his new surroundings.

Then, we'll tell him.



Sure, dog. It's your party.

Hey, can you make one of those well done for me?

Oh, Jesus!

Joyce, took a shit on the floor again.

It's because she's not getting enough praise when she goes outside, honey.

She took a dump upstairs, too.

Yeah, and did you clean it up?

Joyce, I'll shit in your dog house tonight.

How's the tri-tip, bro?

It's fine, bro.

Mmm, it's great, honey.

You know, I always wanted to go to rehab.

I mean, not to get sober.

Do you like that corn, Casey?

It's, it's from the garden.

Mmm, yeah, thanks.

Hey, so, any news on the baby front?

Um, no, not yet.

Who's up for dessert? Huh?

Sure. Yeah.

I don't see why you guys don't just adopt?

Or did Mom and Dad's whole experience put you off that idea?

You done with that?

I mean, just cause I'm a bad apple.

Sorbet, do we have any?

Yes. We do. Good.

Honey, we've even got some ice cream in the freezer.

We do. That's right. Great.

I will get that then. Good.

And how about tea? Coffee?

Anyone? I'll do that. I'll make a pot of both.

And decaf for you.

No, you can have caffeine. I'm sorry.

All right. And I'll be right back.


So, what are you saying? He wants to move in here?

No, no, no, no, no.

It's just his doctor doesn't think he should be alone right now.

Doesn't he have any friends that he could stay with?

All of his friends are drug-addicts.


I don't think this is a good idea.

Well, then this isn't fair. Andie gets to stay here.

I'm sorry.

Look, I just want to be able to keep an eye on him.


Of course.

Of course, he can stay.

Thank you.

Can you take this thing off?

Ooh, of course. Please. Peter.

Okay. I'm gonna go make up the couch.

Thank you.



That's an expensive cut of meat.

It's not for Joyce.


It's good, expensive meat.

Casey needs to grow up.

Mmm. So you got adopted, you know? Get over it.

Come on, he's just sensitive.

Sensitive? My tits are sensitive.

Is what he said true?

Is Peter afraid of getting a bad apple?

What? No!

No. I'm serious.

Maybe he's afraid I'm carrying a demon-child.

Well, I'm certainly starting to be. Mmm.


Where are you guys going? We're going to play b-ball.

Honey, the gates.

Got it. I'll fix it tomorrow, I promise.

Come on, Casey, get the ball.

I don't know if we're gonna make the game, bro.

Please stop calling me "bro", please.

You sound like a jackass.

You know, maybe we could just go to a meeting instead, huh?

Here we go.


Just leave me alone, Peter.

All right? Stop it.

Look, I'm sorry, Casey, but I'm not gonna do that.

Cause I made a promise to Mom and Dad... You promised Mom and Dad.

Whoa, whoa, can you not?

Jesus Christ!

I don't know what to do. No, I get it, okay.

I, I put everyone through hell.

I didn't say that. All the stress I caused gave Dad a stroke and Mom cancer and I'm a fucking asshole. I didn't say that!

All right? Might as well. Might as well.

Jesus, just forget it.

We'll go to the movies.

All right.

Hey, you want ice cream, bro?

Seriously, I'm gonna kick the shit out of you.

Mommy knows you're frustrated.

I know, sweetheart.

You must use your words.

Use your words, sweetheart.

God! "Use your words"?

That is so fucking patronizing.

Don't you ever say that to this kid, Lizzie.

Five bedrooms, if you count the guest-house.

Banister you're holding onto, recently reinforced.

Brand new, as a matter of fact.

Now, my favorite spot in the entire house.

You'll immediately see why.

Because, the view, which is so spectacular, takes in most of... Yeah, no, it's...

It's too white.

Too white, right.

Well, you could paint it.

Yeah, you know what? I actually can't even be here anymore.

It's burning out my retina.

Right. We got vertigo.

Wow. Vertigo.

The... Okay, Pete.

The view can only really... Yep.

You know, be appreciated when you look at it.

Hey, Pete. Okay.

I'm sporting baby trout right now.

I need a house that's gonna make me hard.

Ciao, bella.


Fuck you!

Look at my legumes.

Aren't they beauteous?

It looks like an engorged scrotum.

Yeah? Look at that.

Wow. That looks like a good time.

Lizzie, do you have any interviews lined up?

Uh, no, not yet.

We're not gonna make our mortgage this month.

Are you sure? Yeah, I'm sure.

I could start selling drugs again.

Yeah, not funny!

Come on, Joyce. How much do you need?

I could ask my Dad. Casey, don't get her riled up.

All right? Come on. Yeah.

Seriously, I can make a call.

No, that's okay. Thanks.

Joyce, where's that ball?

Oh! That's a good dog. Casey, outside!

All right?

What the hell is going on in this house?

Come on, Joyce. Get it.

Get it.

Hey, sweetie. Mmm.

Will you sing for me?

Not tonight, hon.

I'm really tired.


I love you.

Love you, too.

You know what?

I think we should just go with Vanilla Dream. Hmm?

Mmm. Sounds like a porno color.

Honey, do you like this color for the baby's room?

Where's Casey?


I don't know. He said he'd be back later.

Great. He's probably with a girl.

You know, he's supposed to keep his dick in his pants for the first year, Honey, he might have just gone to a meeting.

Whatever. I'm gonna take a shower.


Don't you think it's time we just told him what's going on?

I mean, Andie's gonna start showing soon.

Okay, I, I am gonna tell him, but when the time is right.

I just don't want to make him feel like a bigger loser than he already is.

Peter! Than he already feels like, that's what I meant.

I feel like I'm having a boy.

I hope he's gay.


Well, then when we dress him up as a doll, he won't be an asshole about it.


We're not dressing him up like a doll.

He's not gonna be gay.

What if he is gay, Peter?

You're not gonna love him then?

But I might be and he might wind up being a butt pirate, so you need to fucking come to terms with that.

Why are we even talking about it?

You're not gonna be part of the child rearing!

Are you?


What the fuck does that mean?

Lizzie, where are you going?

I'm just gonna go do some gardening.

I know what you're gonna say.

I need you to get the threats under control.

I know.

Sorry, I can't help it.

I'm sorry, did I wake you?


Too tired to sleep.

I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Do you think you could ask Andie for a loan?

If we really need to.


And if you see my testicles hiding anywhere, let me know.

I'm gonna see you same time next week, right?


Hey, um, Justin, do you have any friends who might need tutoring?

I don't know. Well, could you ask?

Because I can teach English and Math, too.

Okay. Sure. See ya.

See ya.

Bon travail, aujourd'hui.

Oh! Gross!

It's still warm.


Honey, come on! We're gonna be late!

Be there in a sec! How many pairs of shoes does he have?

It's like you married a little girl.

That's funny.


All right, well. All right.

Have fun.

Okay. Well, thanks Casey.

Be good.

Hey. Hey.

Look at all the produce I got at the farmer's market. Oh.

What's that?

This? Yeah.

It's a kiwi. Oh, jeez. Are you crazy?

Andie, I'm not gonna go cutting into a kiwi!

Okay, freak. Peter! Come on! We're gonna hit traffic!

Uh, hello! Where are you going?

Oh. Right.

Peter's boss has given us his house in Palm Springs for the weekend.


Andie, would you calm down? It's gonna be fine.

Well, that's easy for you to say.

Andie, come on.

Sweetie, do we have enough water?

Yeah, we have a whole case full, honey.

You sure I shouldn't just get someone to fix the gate?

No, no, no. I'm not paying someone to fix it.

All right? I'll fix it when we get back.

Everything's gonna be fine. Hey, maybe I'll go halfsies with Casey and get him eight ball, huh?

Splurge on some hookers.

Yeah. Come on, sweetie. I want to beat traffic.

Don't forget to feed Joyce!

As if I'm not gonna...

And we're off.



I'm gonna go to the store. Do you want anything?

Milk, sugar, crystal meth?


I'm sorry.

That is not funny.

I don't know why I just said that.

I'm gonna go.

Seriously, that was not fu...

Why don't you just put 'em in the dishwasher?

I'm not allowed.

Under strict orders.

He's such a cheap bastard.

No, he's just going through a hard time.

Yeah, but he's a cheap bastard.

You ever meet your birth mom?


I even tried to call her once, but she didn't want to talk to me.

Maybe you should just send her an e-mail.

Yeah, well, I can't.

She killed herself on her 21st birthday.

Oh, my God.

That is so fucked up.

I'm sorry, that's...

That is so not funny.

Do you like ping pong?

Uh. Ooh!

All right, all right. This is it, game point.

Serve it up. Okay.

Hey, Casey, Oh, you're so dead.

Watch out. There's a DEA agent behind you!


You suck, motherfucker.

You talk a lot of smack.

At least I don't do a lot of smack.

Whoa, whoa. Whoo!

Way out of line.

All right, all right. Let's bring it, Sid Vicious. Yeah?

Show me what you got. Yeah?

You got the skills for this?

What? What?

Don't you fake me out.

Just having...

Oh! Oh!

In the tit! I just hit you in the tit.

That's so funny.

You got spoked!

I love curly straws, man. Mmm.

Seriously, they make every beverage taste better.


Here. What? No.

I want you to have it. No.

No, it's your curly straw. I can't take that.

Seriously, I want you to have it. No.

Take it. Okay.


Wow, man.

I just want you to know that whenever I suck on this I'm gonna think of you.


Oh, yeah, fuck.

Holy fuck.

Oh, my God. You're licking my balls.

You're licking my fucking balls.

You are such an awesome person.

Oh, my God. That's it.

That's it. Oh, my God.

How do you know? You're like reading my fucking mind.


You're like a sexual clairvoyant.

Oh, my God! Yeah.



Not the head push. I hate the head push.

No. Yep, you got it. No head push.

Here I am.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, that's it.

Oh, faster.

What the fuck?

No hands, no hands.


Oh, my God! I'm gonna fucking come.

Oh, I'm gonna fucking come.

Holy fuck!

I'm fucking coming!

I'm gonna come right...

Holy fuck!

What the fuck are you doing? Oh!

Oh, fuck!

Oh, fuck! Oh!

Jesus! Oh, my God.

Get the fuck out of here!

You get the fuck out of here!

It's my fucking house!

Oh! Andie, what are you doing?

Did you swallow?

I told you it was a bad idea to leave them alone.

Because you thought they'd do drugs together, not because she'd turn into Fellatio Alger!

Who? I think she meant Horatio Alger.

Horatio Alger. He wrote about the American dream in the 19th century.

You can read? Oh, my God. I'm so well read.

I told you he shouldn't stay here.

You didn't listen to me.

What was I supposed to do?

He can't live on his own.

He's proven that over and over again.

So, find another solution.

There is no other solution!

Fuck this.

Casey, wait. You know, listening to you guys argue really makes me question whether or not you can handle raising this kid.


I'm sorry. You're pregnant?

We were going to tell you.

I said that we should have just told him.

And you're giving your baby to them? Are you out of your mind?

She's thinking of what's best for the child.

And you all think this is what's best.

Jesus Christ!

I know I win contest for biggest fuckup in the room, but at least I'm a drug addict.

What's your excuse?

Casey, come on.


Peter, where are you going?

I'm going to Casey's. He shouldn't be left alone.

Maybe we should just give him some space.

No, I'm not going to give him some space.

Whenever I give him space, he winds up snorting horse tranquilizers.

And you, what the hell were you thinking? He just got out of rehab.

Sweetie, calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down.

No one should have that image burned into their brain. He's my brother.

Not really.

I'm sorry.

That was fucked up. I didn't mean that.


She just laughs when she's uncomfortable.

It's like she has a nervous tick.

She's a lunatic! And that baby is going to be a lunatic.

Don't go!

You're not alone! You got old cock sucker to lean on.

Joyce, inside, okay?


Come on, Joyce. Joyce!

Lizzie, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean for anything to happen with Casey.

I mean, clearly, he's, he's a little gross.

It was a moment of weakness.

I'm just tired of feeling alone, okay?

You feel the same way. Jesus, you can't even eat a meal by yourself!

Lizzie, wake up! Peter doesn't want this kid.

He doesn't want kids, period.

Jesus Christ! Will you say something?

Use your fucking words!



Is Lizzie here?

Yeah, just, uh.

One sec.


Justin's here for his lesson.


She's not feeling well. I'm sorry you had to come all the way down here.

Is she okay?

Yeah, yeah, she's totally fine.

She's just.

She went on a bender last night.

You know how that is, right?

Okay. Um.

Is it okay if I stay here for a little bit?

My dad's not picking me up for another hour.


Okay. Game point.

I know. You don't have to keep saying that.

I'm not. I just said it once.

All right, just serve.

That's bullshit!


God, how are you so good?

I think that's my dad.

Oh, that's convenient.

What are you guys, like, father and son drifters?

You know what? I gotta go, but I'll see you later.

I'm onto you. You're a hustler, kid.

That Justin kid is sweet.

You still mad at me?

I was thinking, what if there is something wrong with Casey's jizz.

Could I hurt the baby somehow?

Come on, Joyce.

I'm serious.

Who knows where that cock's been?

I mean, what if he's got an STD or something?

Oh, Jesus! Maybe I should go get my stomach pumped.

Who are you, Rod Stewart?

I mean, how much did you swallow?

I don't know, man, I didn't have a measuring cup with me.

I don't understand why you didn't just spit it out.

I guess I just got swept up in the moment.

He was so appreciative.

He'll called me a sexual clairvoyant.

What did you do?


I'm not going to do that. - Look, Peter.

I know this is a little uncomfortable, but some of the sites are saying it can affect the baby adversely.

I'm not asking him how many STDs he just passed on to Andie and her unborn child.

Our unborn child, that's what I meant.

What are you doing in there? I got to take a shit.

Okay, I'll be right out, bro!

You know, I'm going to fucking bust down the door and shit on your head.

Okay. You bet, buddy.

No fucking way!

Okay, come on.

What? Come on, let's go.

Why? Because you're the one who decided to gargle Casey's balls, that's why.

Gargle balls!

Ooh, is this where Casey lives? Mmm-hmm.

Do you think it's all dark and druggy?

I don't know. It just looks like a guy lives there.

Needs a woman's touch.

Yeah, too bad I blew that one.

Hey, Peter, could you come down, please?

I really need to...

Oh, wow, this looks like it's going to be good.

It was her, not me. What?

I had nothing to do with this. I swear, it was her.

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Oh, dear God! Oh!

Jesus! Jesus, Casey!

God, Peter's out of shape.

Open the door! Open the door! Open the door!

God! Okay, okay, okay. Come on! Oh, my God!

Let me in! Jesus Christ! Is he on drugs?

Lock the door! Go! Go! Drive!

Oh, my God, he's on drugs! Oh, my God!

Drive the car! Please! Jesus!

He's not rational!


What's that? My HIV test.

Look at the date!

From one month ago. You see? I am clean.

You don't have to worry about the baby.

Well, that's great!

How do we know those tests aren't fake?

Andie! Are you insane?

Lighten up! Lighten up! Leave him alone!

Listen, I'm seriously happy you don't have AIDS.

Fuck you, man. Fuck you so hard.

The baby doesn't have AIDS.

Thanks, Peter. Fuck you guys.

See you later, dude. Let's just go.

Are you okay, Peter? God, I'm glad he's not back on drugs.

I'm winded. Jesus Christ!

I don't even understand why this arrangement is even an issue.

Usually it works out so well when friends give each other their babies.

I think if we could just set some better ground rules.

No, Lizzie, forget it. I don't want her in the house anymore.

The only reason you have the house is because of me.

Wait, what? She paid for your house?

Sorry. It was supposed to be a secret.

This is the place that we tell our secrets, Peter.

I have to admit, that one is a, is a doozy.

She bought your house and she's giving you a baby?

Right? Wow, I mean, I'm starting to feel kind of gypped here.

Hey, buddy, I rocked your world!

Wait. Must we? Just.

Okay, you, with the hair, why are you here?


I'm here because there's concern amongst some that I might start taking drugs again.

Well, frankly, who could blame you?

Who are you?

I am a person with a sense of humor.

Peter, I want you to come home.

No. No, I, I can't leave Casey right now. He needs me. No, way.

I'm your wife. I need you.

Do you? I mean, you got Andie.

I don't know where I fit in here anymore.

She's just using me for my uterus.

Oh, my God!

What is it, Lizzie? Nothing! Just forget it, okay?

See, you always do that. I do what?

You shut down.

That's what happens to me when I feel like I'm being ganged up on.

No one is ganging up on you.

That's how it feels.

All right, no one can make you feel anything, Lizzie.

Oh, that is such bullshit.

Good, Lizzie, good. Get... Fuck off, Peter!

Don't tell me what to do!

You know, it might not look like it right now, but she has just had a breakdown.

A breakthrough, breakthrough.

Oh, paging Doctor Freud.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, gosh.

Hey, Justin. What's up?

Oh, okay. I'm, I'm sorry, what time is your soccer match?

Oh, okay, fine. So why don't we play it...

Why don't we just play it by ear?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, goddamn it!

Jesus! I didn't realize she was so full of rage. Hmm.

Oh, it's always been there. It's just been buried deep down.

Oh, you're goddamned right! I'm full of rage.

I had plans!


Okay, well, so I'm going to head back to work.

How convenient.

What? You can't smoke.

Oh, fuck off!



I'm sorry if you felt ganged up on.

But we all had plans.


What were yours?

It's just, I think it's just the latch, you know.

Yes. You just do that and it just closes.

Because, look, see, it's bent and doesn't close.

Okay, don't try and sucker me, all right?

I'm not, ma'am. I'm telling you, this is broken.

And with the labor for the gate...

Why are you speaking to me in Spanish?

Because no sono un idiota, that's why.

I can understand everything you're saying. You can?

Yes, I am American. Okay, fine, forget it. Forget it.

Look, look. I'll fix this myself.

Fine. Fine. Look, see? It doesn't close.

See? Look, see it opening? It's closing, right?

It doesn't close. You want to fix it? You fix it.



Are you okay?

Yeah. What can I do?

Nothing. I don't need anything.

I'm an independent woman now, remember?

Ow! Lizzie!

You know it's great not having to rely on men.

This is just so much more preferable.

It's not like the gate was getting fixed when there were men living here.

That's not the fucking point.

Oh, fuck!


Fuck, shit!


Hey, Andie!

Where do you think you're going?

You're scaring her.

You give her back right now!

No way! Not when you're like this.

There should be a social services for dogs.

Oh, yeah? There is.

It's called the ASPCA, Einstein.

My God. Einstein.


This is it.

You can build anything you want here.

Your dream house awaits.

I mean, breathe it in. You know, just.

Really savor it.

Let your imagination go wild.

Ah, I don't want to build a fucking house.

Plus, it's way too much work.

You're not going to build it, all right? Builders will build it.

Do you hear the sound of those jack hammers out there?

That is the sound of other people's dreams being constructed.

It's loud.


Hey, come on, buddy, you're reaching.

You don't wanna reach around on me.

Anyway, the only jack hammering I do is in the bedroom.

Right, baby?

Baby, I'm hungry.

All right, titties, let's go get you some food. Ooh!

I'm sorry. Heather, is it?


Right, Feather. Feather.

Right. I just thought you'd really like this area, considering you love hiking and there are so many trails nearby.

Oh, yeah. When we were all at that house in Mulholland, you said, "I love to hike". And I thought, well...

What is he talking about?

I'm sorry. I just realized that wasn't you, that was another girl.

It's funny, now that I look at you.

Yeah, you look nothing like her!

Foot in mouth. This is my bad.

Oh, man!

I got to take pictures, that's what I got to do.

Ciao, bella.

Goddamn it!

You piece of shit!

You man whore!

Ugh, fuck you! Fuck you!

Come on.



Yeah. Mmm.

Hey, Joyce.

Wow. You look really big.


Growing strong.

No, I mean, you're really big.

You're fucking huge.

Wish I could say the same about you.


It's not as good without the curly straw.

Yeah, no shit.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah, shoot.

Heroin? Ha.

Sorry, I'm sorry. I, uh.

If maybe you, kind of felt like maybe you weren't good enough your whole life

'cause your mom gave you up.

I know that's kind of a personal question.

Yeah, kind of.

So, is that how you feel?

I don't know.


Depends on the day.

You shouldn't smoke.

Yeah, well, you shouldn't have swallowed the.

Believe me, man, I'm fucking happy about it.

Yep, it's past my curfew.

All right.

Well, I'll see you around. Yeah.

This was nice. Yeah, it was.

Let's go, Joyce. Let's go back to crazy town.

Bye, Joyce.

Oh, fuck!


No, I don't want any pasta. When are you going to get your own place?

The problem is, I don't want a fucking roommate, Peter.

I want you to leave.

Where were you just now?

Don't. Peter, I'm warning you.

Look, I just don't know where this is coming from.

Hey, don't put that shit on the couch, man.

I sit here on your crumbs and your fucking toenails.

Put it on the coffee table.

All right, you are really amped up right now, you know that?

And that's not a coffee table, it's an end table, okay?

What concerns me.


I'm so sick of your fucking shit.

Fuck! Fuck!

Get the fuck off me!

Get off of me!

Get out.

I'm sorry.

Pack your shit up and leave before I fucking burn it.

♪ Down in the valley

♪ Valley so low

♪ Late in the evening

♪ Hear the train blow

♪ Down in the valley

♪ Valley so low

♪ Late in the evening

♪ Hear the train blow

♪ The train is gone, love

♪ And out of sight

♪ Good night, my darling

♪ Darling, good night

♪ Good night


You look nice.


I'm just going out for a little while.

I miss my friend.

Yeah. All right, well, I'll see you in a bit.

What's wrong? Does my breath stink?


Oh, babe, that looks infected.

No. It's fine.


I'm gonna have a shower.

Okay. You know, maybe we should split up.

Okay. I'll call you in a sec.

Andie, what happened? How did she get out?

How? The gate was open.

Yeah, well, did you leave it open?

No. I've been home all day.


Lizzie, are you there?

Look, maybe Joyce got out some other way.

Yeah, um, I got to go.




I can barely see anything. Maybe we should call it a night.

I wanna keep looking.

Lizzie, someone will see her tags.

Okay, I'm, I'm gonna keep looking.

But I got a real early meeting tomorrow, so.

I waited for you.


I just don't understand why you married me when you knew I wanted children someday.

I thought someday I'd want them, too.

I got to go.


Lizzie, wait.


Did you just drool on yourself?

No, no, I spat on the floor.

Oh, that's nice. I'm good.

All right, man, sorry to bother you.

I didn't mean to waste your time, but I'm gonna drive. I'm good.

Peter, give me your fucking keys.

No, I'm. Don't worry about it. I'm gonna drive. Peter...

Let me see your keys. You want to see them?

Okay? Ow, ow, ow!

All right! Come on, come on.

Friggin' maniac. Atta boy.

You're driving me tomorrow to pick it up.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, early.

Really early. I'm gonna be up and at 'em. I'm not joking man.

I know you're not, you're not gonna get up. You're serious.

You're not gonna get up.

You don't even lock this piece of shit?

Get in.

Weirdo. Atta boy.

Hey, you see that bartender?

Yeah, he was really into you.

No! She! The girl. Ah.

There we go. Open that, bud.

What's the matter with you? I'm in the dark.

You had trouble getting in?

Hey. You okay?

I fucked up.

I'm like a douchebag.

Man, you're not a douchebag.

Yeah, I am.

I don't know when that happened.

Hey, man.

We're all doing the best we can.

Hey, You wanna get a beer?

I'm just messing with you, bro.


Fuck! Peter!

Oh, man!

Fuck you.

You are a douchebag.




Oh, my God.

You've got my dog.

Joyce. Knock it off.


Oh, sweetie, are you okay?


How do we know it's your dog?

Just, look at her tags.

It says Joyce. Honey.

That's a lucky guess. It says Joyce, but how do you spell it?

Are you kidding?

Oh, Jesus, man.

Fuck. I've never seen anyone puke so much, not even in detox.

Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, don't hold back. Come on, I want to see where this is going.

Why did you leave your gate open? Yeah?

Yeah, we're gonna call the animal people.

The people that are in charge of animals.

They're half animal, half people.

It would be terrible if they were in charge.

If half animal, half people were in charge of animals.

Well, I mean if they had people brains.

Oh. Argh.!

It's Lizzie, I'll call you back.

Fuck! Lizzie!

Come on, we're not ready to throw in the towel here.

Come on, kid, get off the ropes.

Give him hell. Atta boy. Give me your uppercut.

Use your reach. Will you please shut the hell up?

But what if they were, like, they're in charge of all the animals and they were half animal, half people. That way they could...

They can decide between, if there was a dispute between animals and people.

They're like. "Well. I'm half of each, so I'll decide".

I don't even know what you're talking about.

This is such a smart idea. This is a smart idea.

Can I just take my dog?

Again, this is our dog.

We will help you find your dog.

We will track your dog down for you. Let's track him down.

Give me back my fucking dog! Whoa!

That came out of nowhere, man.

Come on, Joyce.

Bye, Joyce.

Right at the same time. Are you kidding me?

Yeah, we are like two peas in a... We're bros.

Two pieces of a pizza. Pizza.

Oh, dude, that was awesome.

No, seriously. I can't wait for the next round.

Why do you have a geriatric stool in your shower?

That's how I sit here and wash my balls.

Think about life.

You don't do that? Hey.

Yo. What up, dog?

Wait, what?

Come on.

You guys.

Come on. Here you are. Wait! Wait!

No way! I'm not getting in the middle!

Well, I'm worried I'm going to throw up.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Peter, get in the middle! Okay.


You in? You in? Yes!

Casey, that saves no time!

You don't know that. You stink!

Roll down the window.

You don't have electric?

I was drinking. That's why it smells.

Ew! Am I just, like, sitting in vomit?

Signal. Use your signal!

♪ Violets loved you

♪ Angels love heaven.

♪ And Joyce I love you Andie?


There's somebody here who wants to see you!

She must be asleep, Joyce.

I'm gonna barf. I'm gonna barf.

Don't barf. Keep it in.

Oh, my God! The baby is crowning!

Two biggest pussies in the world.

My pussy's about to get big in a fucking second, motherfucker!

That's it, girl, come on. Push it out, Andie.

That's it. That's it, girl.

That's it, that's it, that's it.

Come on, keep pushing. Keep pushing.

Push it out. That's it, girl. That's it, girl.

That's it.

Oh, shit. Shit.

Honestly, I don't think you guys would have gotten through that without me.

Everyone's fine. Baby is healthy. Andie is resting.

It's a boy.


You can see her now.



I'm so sorry I wasn't here.

I found Joyce. Oh, good.


Hey, little guy. Yeah.



He's a feisty little boy.

I can't believe he's finally here.


I didn't know it was gonna feel this way.

I'm sorry.

I hope one day you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.


What's up?


I thought it would look more like an alien.


What? I'm saying it doesn't look like an alien.

It's a compliment. Okay fine, whatever.

You know, just relax. Try not to puke, okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that joke's not getting old.

No. No, it's not actually.

Don't touch it You're gonna contaminate it. Okay.

You should probably leave. Should we put him in a room or something?

Okay, thank you.

Tres bien.

Tres bien.

So, I saw Peter the other day.

Oh, what happened?

Well, we laughed a lot.

I can't remember the last time we laughed that much.

And he told me how proud he was of Casey,

and of me.

I guess I just couldn't see what was happening before, or maybe I just didn't want to see it.

I saw it.


So, why didn't you say anything?

It wasn't my place.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Did that hurt? This?

Yeah. Ah.

Over time. So it's really not that bad. Do it gradual.

Just relax. You'll be fine.

Okay. Want a shot of tequila?

Do it.

Fuck! Oh, fuck!

What do you think of that, Joyce?

She likes it.

Uh, I'm gonna go, but I'll see you next week.

Okay. See you, Justin.


Come on, Joyce.

Hello, Joyce. Say hi.

How are you doing?


I don't think we ever got a formal introduction. Right.

This is Gus.

So big.

I know.

He's like a giant mutant.

So, how's it going?

Pretty fucking hard, actually.


Yeah, I had to move back in with my dad.

Hmm. It's, It's been all right.

He, um, he really loves being a grandpa.

Well, that's great.

So, how about you?



I'm considering my options.

It's going to be one lucky kid.


I really should get him home for his nap, so.

Well, we're going that way.

Come on, Joyce.

Come on.

Let's go visit.

Are you okay there? Yeah.


Good dog.

So, um.

Is Justin legal yet?

He's got another couple of weeks. Yeah?

Send him my way. I will.

His French is very, very good.

Getting better all the time.

Action's a little slow these days.

I'm happy to go a little bit younger.

Well, you gotta do what you gotta do.

You know, I think my dad's new girlfriend is actually younger than Justin.

Oh, my God.

Do you know that they actually have a kid on the way?

No way.

No, really. It's weird, because I don't know if she's sure how babies get made.