Faces (1968) Script

-Anyone inside? -Not yet, sir.

-Good morning, Mr Forst. -Good morning, Mr Forst.

Good morning, Mr Forst.

I have some correspondence and some papers for you to sign.

Don't bother me with that stuff.

-Would you like some coffee? -No.

-You look lousy. -You're not in a good mood?

-Anything I can do for you? -I'll give you a list of my maladies.

You better give me a cup of coffee.

I don't want to yawn in Mrs Miniver's face.

-Yes, sir. -Hmm?

Here you are.

Will you take this thing out of my mouth?

-Okay. -Thanks.

-Good morning. -ALL: Good morning, Miss Whiteford.

FORST: Hello, Nita. How'd they get you out of bed?

Aw, shut up.

Harry. Oh, you know Harry Selfrine.

FORST: Do I know Harry Selfrine? Do I know Harry.

Good morning.

-Jim Mortensen. -WHITEFORD: Nice boy.

Kazmier, Edward.

Do you know Richard Forst, our manager?

Hello, darling. Lang. L-A-N-G. How are you, dear?

-Good morning, Mr Draper. -WHITEFORD: All right.

When I was a kid, we used to play a game called, "Your mother wears army shoes".

I'm not your mother. Sit down.

--Do you know Frederick P. Draper?

Thank you, Emily Dickinson.

-WOMAN: Here you are. -Thank you very much.

Thank you.

What are you gonna sell us this time, Harry?

Money.

Actually, it's a very good film.

We call it the, uh, Dolce Vita of the commercial field.

Is that so?

I don't mean to insinuate it's a crude film.

We were trying to capture several approaches.

What Jim means is that we really...

No, no. That's not what I mean at all.

We were talking facts and figures until we practically went out of our minds.

Losses, gains, ratings, schmatings.

You can lose your mind if you keep analysing things like that.

Then we came up with an impressionistic document that shocks.

Is that so?

I don't think it so much shocks as it's honest.

It's honest, but it's a good piece in itself.

So, you see, we're a little nervous about hitting you with this.

Oh, now, they've got nothing to be nervous about.

It's a shot in the dark, but it's strong and it's attractive.

It better be better than the last one, Harry.

I think I'll loan you my sleeping pills.

You know, I have insomnia and I stay awake all night looking at pictures, worrying about pictures.

I walk all over the place.

Let's see it, J.P.

I'd rather hear 'em talk about it again.

MAN: We'll talk about it later. FORST: J.P.

All right, Arnold. Roll it.

FREDDIE: You're after my money, huh?

You're not gonna drink this? Too bad.

Never let good liquor go to waste.

# Never let it go to waste Never let it... #

Ida. Ida, I adore you.

Never let good liquor go to waste.

-Arrivederci! Ciao! -MAN: Go on. Beat it.

-Scusa pleasa. Bye-bye. -MAN: So long, sucker.

I'll drive. I'll drive. Give me the keys. Give me the keys.

Give me the keys. I'll drive.


FORST: Don't make any noise, Jeannie. Here, Freddie.

--No, no, Freddie.

FREDDIE: Drink, drink, drink. FORST: Freddie.

--Drink, drink, drink, drink.

-Come on. -No, I don't care if we wake 'em.

We'll get 'em all a drink.

Let everybody come in and have a drink.

# I got drunk tonight -Shh!

# I got drunk tonight like I never got drunk before

# When I'm drunk I'm happy as can be

# I am a member of the Souse family

# The Souse family is the best family

# That ever came over from old Germany#

Oh. Oh, boy.

-Shh! -Ah!

# Deck the halls with boughs of holly

# Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

-What are you doing? # 'Tis the season to be jolly

# Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

# Troll the ancient Yuletide carols

# Fa, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la #

FORST: What the hell are we doing here?

There's just... All of a sudden, we just joined the clan of I-don't-give-a-damners.

Wake up and have a good time before the bad fairy comes and makes it midnight!

Say, listen. If there's anything I can't stand, it's a bad fairy.

What the hell do you know about Cinderella?

Look, now. Sit down. I wanna tell you something.

Just sit down. Sit down.

Don't let this sophisticated exterior fool you.

I believe in Aesop's Fables and Walt Disney.

All right, Freddie. Okay. All right.

"All right" my left eyeball!

We met at a bar.

-Right, Jeannie? -Right.

And it was love at first sight. Right, Jeannie?

-Right. -We were thrown out by Morey.

But we had laughs.

-Right? -Right!

Shut up. Who asked ya?

Listen.

I think Forst is a holier-than-thou.

-I am not. -FREDDIE: Who asked ya? Now, cool it.

You go to a psychiatrist, don't you, Dickie?

-No, I don't. -JEANNIE: Well, you look Freudian.

-I never even met a psychiatrist. -He looks like Sigmund.

JEANNIE: Yes, he does!

Do you know that Freud said if you go to the bathroom, it's supposed to be sexy?

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Sick, sick, sick, sick!

Come on, now. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute! What the hell are we talking about?

-JEANNIE: Who cares? -Who cares?

Yeah. For a minute or two we act stupid. We have a good time.

Who does it hurt? I mean, who makes up the rules anyway?

I mean, always play it cool, always put everybody down.

Standing around a corner looking out the side of your eye, see if anybody's lookin' at ya.

-Listen. Hell, fellas. I'm 28... -FORST: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

I'm 23 years old, and it's time for me to forget myself, right?

Right!

-Down with the middle class! -Right.

-Down with the white-collar workers! -FREDDIE: Down, down, down!

-Down, down with the... -I'll give you the swiftest pain in the behind that was ever invented!

Down with the, uh, lecturers and do-gooders.

-You know who I hate? -Down with squealers.

-On television! -I hate cheap people.

Down with hospitals that keep people waiting until they get paid.

-Right. -Some hospitals are okay.

Down with hospitals!

-Don't bully me! -Don't bully her!

-You shut up. -Down with gossip columns!

FORST: And to hell with politics. It stinks!

Kill the finks for something!

Down with Sunday schools!

JEANNIE: I like Sunday schools.

--JEANNIE: Hey, I got one.

FORST: What is it?

Down with friendship. I think it's phony.

Atta girl!

Oh, wait a minute. You don't know what you're talking about.

Friendship is a tradition. Friendship is useful.

Dickie, I got the most terrible friends.

I don't care.

-Sometimes you need a friend. -So buy a dog!

Oh, I'm talkin' about us, stupid! Why are you so stupid?

You know how long I've known this jerk?

-Well, Dickie, he's just... Dickie. -No, no, no.

I'm not one of these guys who has a few...

-I know. Ah, he didn't mean it. -Oh. There he is.

Come on out, and to hell with the family and responsibiIities.

JEANNIE: That's right.

Come on. Let's ball it up, old buddy. We don't even know each other.

I'm talking about somebody deep down!

-That's right. That's right. -I'm talk...

He's gonna cry. Do something. Freddie!

FORST: I'm talking about something...

Oh, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.

Hi, ho, Silver, away!

Get 'em up, Scout! The Lone Ranger rides again.

Masked bandits. Get 'em, Tonto!

Aaah! Aaah!

Aaah! My hand!

Oh, and I shot your hand. That's a silver bullet.

Hi, ho, Silver, away!

Hey, Jeannie. Hey, Jeannie.

Did you hear the one about the goose that went down into the subway and got peopled to death?

Oh, isn't that...

Listen, do you know that Dickie and I...

# Used to do routines in college #

Oh, boy!

Hey, Freddie.

Remember that time we auditioned for the nightclub?

Ah, it closed! Hey, Freddie, let's do one of our routines for Jeannie, eh?

Come on. Come on. Let's do it.

Well, come on!

It wasn't funny then, buddy, and a hundred years wouldn't change it.

Listen, Freddie, after what I saw on television, I'm not ashamed of any of our routines.

-Now, come on. Come on. -Come on. I do want to see it.

-Come on! -All right! Let's do it.

-Come on, you crazy, shy son of a bitch. -JEANNIE: Go ahead.

Up on your feet.

Come on. Come on! Come on!

-She doesn't want to see it. -Come on! I'll do that goddamn routine!

-No. To hell with ya. -Come on! Hey, listen. Get this.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great Siegfried!

JEANNIE: Yay! Yay!

Bow! Bow, will ya! Bow!

Aw, come on, Dickie! Bow!

Oh, phooey! Phooey, phooey, phooey!

He spoiled the whole goddamn act.

When the drum roll begins, he's supposed to bow.

All right, you big chickens. I'll do mine.

-Okay, you ready? Listen. -I'm ready!

Neither one of you's a communist, are you?

-FORST: Well, uh... -Oh, I don't care.

I made this up. All right?

# There's a

# Moscow Theatre where the Reds love to go

# To see Sonia the cutie of the burleskovitch show

# All the commies love her stripping to the very last man

# They claim it's even better than the Five-Year Plan

# Take it off, take it off

# Take it off, take it off

# Take it off, take it off

# But she didn't join the fun #

--FREDDIE: Whee!

JEANNIE: Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Come on, Dickie. Come on. -What?

Now, listen. Get the picture.

-Stand up there. -This is a fine...

This is a fine impression we'll make with the lady, huh?

-Stand up there! -"Stand up there."

Listen. Get the picture.

-We... -Boy, this is ridiculous!

-Look, we're gonna do it... -All right.

...if my heart doesn't give out.

Are you ready? Now, get the picture.

Pinpoint spot.

-I got the picture. I got it. -FREDDIE: Got it?

-Achtung! -Achtung!

-Right turn! -Right turn!

-Right turn! -Shoulders back!

Back!

Cut.

-Attention. -Attenzione!

Ooh!

Ta-da!

And I'm supposed to act like it's all a big mistake.

-It's wonderful. You're wonderful. -FREDDIE: Ooh, Jeannie.

You're great.

And now...

And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going into the boudoir to change into something more comfortable.

Don't worry. You shall feel many guilt’s but remain pure.

Oh. My heart.

It's beating.

-I'm so excited. -Shit!

Uh-huh.

What are we doin' on our knees?

What is the matter with you?

She's gonna change!

Ooh, Dickie. Remember when we didn't have to worry about our wives and kids?

Oh, God!

Yeah.

Phew.

Mmm.

Remember when we had our own apartment and all the girls would come up and see us?

And they'd mix drinks for us, and they would cook us anything we wanted, and then they'd give us their money and go to bed with us.

-Don't you remember? -It never happened.

Of course it did. Don't you remember Connie and Julie and what the hell's her name?

-The one with the... -I don't know.

Oh, my God, Dickie! You're getting old and grey, and I'm getting fat and grey.

What the hell's she doing in there?

# I dream

# Of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# Hey, I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair, hey

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair, hey, hey

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# Light brown hair

# I dream of Freddie with the light brown hair

# I dream of Jeannie

# With the light brown hair

# I dream of Jeannie with the...

# I dream of Dickie with the silver hair

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# I dream of Jeannie...

# Light brown hair

# I dream...

JEANNIE: Sing it, Dickie.

FORST: Hey, uh...

# I dream of Jeannie

# With the light brown hair

# Borne like a vapour

# I dream

# Of Jeannie with her light brown hair

By the way, Jeannie, what do you charge?

# I dream of Jeannie with the light... #

Oh, Freddie.

Aw, Freddie. Aw, no, Freddie.

Don't spoil it, Freddie. Please.

Spoil what?

Honey, I'm game for anything.

I just want to know how much you charge.

It's legitimate, isn't it?

I know I have to pay.

I'm not too schooled in these things, but I know somewhere along the line, your little hand's gonna find its way into my pocket.

You're shocked, aren't you, old Dickie, old pal?

What do you think she is?

You think she's some clean towel that's never been used?

FREDDIE: My God, Dickie. You think you don't pay?

How many times a week does Maria ask you for some money?

Money, Charlie, is a necessity.

And don't you think that you don't work for it and pay for it.

My God, wait. What is this?

He thinks I'm insulting you. I'm offering you.

Hell, look!

What's the matter?

If I went to one of those fancy restaurants, I'd probably tip the head waiter, the waiter, the busboy, and a hundred bucks goes flying down the drain.

And I couldn't have any more fun than I could with Jeannie here.

-FORST: Let go of my girl. -Dickie, wait. Please.

Please. Please. Please.

Don't be shocked.

It's like this. Fred is a very sad man.

-Now, you... -Will you let me finish!

Because you're a man who doesn't say what you mean very well.

What you meant was this was a wonderful evening, and you enjoy my house and you like me.

But like you said, you're crude.

I'm sorry. Honey, I was only tryin' to be funny.

I thought you said you were trying to be funny.

Well, you go with your... You go! If you're in such a damned hurry.

My reputation's at stake here!


Ah.

Good night.

Good night, Jeannie.

I'm sorry.

I don't know how you do it.

Well, I just...

I just close my eyes and I...

I see how much liquor I can swallow.

I pray that I'll die and be martyred by the church for my service to humanity.

You're a lovely girl.

I'm too old to be lovely.

And I haven't got a heart of gold.

The nights are long, and Little Orphan Annie of Hard Knoxville gets tough, you know.

I think I'd better go.

Then go ahead! Get the hell out!

Beat it, snowball!

-Right? -Right.

You're on your own again.


Yeah. Uh-huh.

Mmm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

MARIA: Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Come here.

Well, how did you find that out?

It's very important, but I don't think there's anything you can do about it.

-Maria, I want to talk to ya. -Mmm-hmm.

Mmm-hmm.

Louise, I just came home from the office.

Yes, I had a very hard day and something important came up.

Can she call you back later?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Yeah?

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Louise, we'll call you back later. Goodbye.

I'm gonna have a drink. You kill me.

Yeah? Why do I kill ya?

Why do I kill ya?

Why do I kill ya, huh?

Why? What do you want to drink?

Whatever it is, I want it on the rocks, straight and dirty, because I feel very, very bitchy tonight.

Well, I feel very, very bitchy, too. That makes two of us.

Blue Monday for me today.

All day the phone rang and rang. "Hello, Maria?" "Goodbye, Maria."

"Hello, darling." "Goodbye, darling." Hello, darling.

Your sense of humour's going to destroy our marriage someday.

I wasn't trying to be funny.

Listen, Maria, go get me a cigarette, will ya?

Ooh, we're out! I'm sorry. I smoked myself silly today.

-You're such a conformist. -Like hell I am!

Dickie, why don't you take me to a movie, okay?

Why doesn't somebody fill these stupid boxes?

You smoke too much.

There's a Bergman film in the neighbourhood.

I don't feel like getting depressed tonight.

But you always love foreign film.

-Where the hell are the cigarettes? -We're out!

-What are you getting so huffy about? -There's nothing on television tonight.

If I had a cigarette, I could think.

-You're hungry. -Right!

But you're always hungry.

That's because I always come home at dinner time.

Oh, I love you when you look like that.

Look like what? Tell me quick, and I'll write it down.

You wanna fight, huh? Yeah, I wanna fight.

Smug. I knew it the first time I looked at you.

-The better-than-you expression. -That's right.

I'm the pompous puke of all times.

Yeah, and you smell like a brewery, too.

And I smell like a brewery, too.

And you'll take me to a movie show?

I'll take you any place that your little heart desires if you'll just keep that lovely mouth of yours closed for a couple of seconds.

I have a lovely dinner for you.

Come on. Take off your coat and stay a whiIe, bright eyes.

Well, that sounds like some kind of a proposition.

Oh, Dickie, you're so innocent, it's hard to get through to you sometimes.

FORST: Oh, really?

-No place like home. -What?

-I said have you ever been to Rome? -Italy?

I love you.

But you always love me when I bring food.

-Well, that's because I'm a glutton. -Were you with Fred tonight?

-Yeah. -I think he's a terrible father.

He never talks to the kids or plays with 'em.

The kids are grown up.

Nineteen isn't grown.

I don't like Fred any more.

-Well, why don't you like Fred any more? -Because he cheats on his wife.

-Now, who told you that? -Louise.

Oh, Louise.

-Oh. -Fred talks in his sleep.

He comes home at night and he just stares at her. Doesn't say a word.

They have a drink. Silence.

-They eat, they say nothing. -Salt and pepper, please.

They get into bed and they say nothing.

And I forgot, he just barely looks at the kids, and Louise says that it's because of that.

Because of what?

Well, she reads, and he just rolls over and goes to sleep and talks to all these different girls.

And Louise says that they have to be in compromising positions.

Good old Freddie.

He says things like...

Like, "Roll over".

"Let's try that again." Yeah.

Things like that.

Things like that, huh?

And do you know what he did with...

Do you know what he did with Darlene?

Darlene? Who the hell's Darlene?

The girl in his dream.

Oh.

Well, what did he do with Darlene?

Huh?

You ain't gonna tell me?

He kiss... He kisses her.

You know.

Oh.

You mean, he goes...

You... You mean he goes...

Bad!

-Is that what you mean? -No.

No.

I... Yes, but...

He says for her to do it to him.

-That's funny. -When he gets...

-Well... -Well, that's what he said.

Yeah, well, you know, Freddie's getting on in years.

And a man Freddie's age...

You're Fred's age!

Yeah, but sexual nightmares are not one of my problems.

Besides, what the hell has that got to do with Fred being a good father?

Huh?

Well, I...

I'm sorry I talk too much.

Well, you know, Fred puts up with his kids' asinine friends.

-You know that? -I...

His kids wanna drink, he lets 'em drink.

They want to smoke, he lets them smoke.

He... Well, he sends the sons of bitches to college.

They each have their own cars, you know.

And he gives them 50 bucks a week spending money.

Can you imagine that?

And his daughter is beautiful.

His son is a big 6'3" hunk of man, and the girls think he's cute.

And he's got Simon, a 1-year-old baby.

I wish I was that kind of a father.

Well, we weren't discussing that part of it anyway.

I'm talking about it from a woman's point of view.

Oh.

A woman's point of...

A woman's point of view. Oh, God.

I can't go to the goddamn movie with you.

Jesus Christ Almighty. Oh, boy.

I can... I can see it all now.

Boy. You know, one of these days, you girls are gonna go, "Charge!"

And you know somethin' funny?

We'll all surrender, and you can have everything.

You can have the house and the cars and the office and the bills and the headaches, and we'll sit home and laugh!

That's what we're gonna do.

All we ask for is peace.

To give us our daily beating and three square meals a day and bread and water and we'll just sit staring at the sun, going blind, okay?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Do we emasculate you?

Poor little boy losing his virility.

Well, I don't have it any more!

-What happened to it, huh? -I just don't appeal to you.

Oh, you appeal to me all right.

When I come home, you appeal to me.

When I'm at the office, you appeal to me.

I am not a sex machine!

-No, you want to go to the movies! -Because I'm bored.

That's how you get your jollies!

-Don't be crude! -Crude, schmude. I'm crude!

The minute you get home, you wanna jump into bed.

FORST: That's the general idea.


Why did the man throw the clock out the window? Huh?

He wanted to see time fly.

What does Dracula do every night at midnight?

He takes a coffin break!

What is it that's blue and whistles and hangs in a delicatessen?

Aren't you gonna say, "But a herring doesn't whistle"?

Huh? Aren't you gonna say, "But a herring isn't blue"?

You're not gonna say that? How can I get to the joke?

What is it that weighs 5,000 pounds and has got a stick through it?

A hippo-popsicle.

What is it that's black and white and red all over?

-A newspaper. -No. A zebra's ass.

You don't think I'm very funny, do ya, huh?

Of course I think you're funny.

Well, I could... I could be funnier, you know.

I really could.

-If I tried a little harder. -Maybe you're not all that funny.

Good night.


-Dickie, I'm sorry. -I want a divorce.

-Did you hear what I said? -Oh, Dickie.

I want a divorce.

That's the only thing to do, isn't it?

Well, why don't you laugh?

It's funny.

Well, what's your answer?

Answer me!


Hello, Jeannie?

Hold on a minute.

I'll send for my clothes in the morning. I'm not coming back.

I'm on the phone.

This is Richard Forst. Hi.

I'd like to see you tonight.

Well, it's very important.

Well, how busy are you?

Well, I could meet you at the Losers Club.

Twenty, thirty minutes.

Take as long as you like.

Fine.

I'll see you later.

WOMAN: # Wars have come and wars have gone

# History, it goes on and on

# Ever since this world began

# Love not war has conquered man MAN: # Caesar tried to gain control

# Through his wealth and through his gold WOMAN: # Yeah, then Cleo played her hand

# And love conquered just as planned MAN: # Henry Windsor went to eight WOMAN: # He knew how to celebrate

# But when he reached for nine and 10

# Love not war then conquered him

# Give up, you're through

# You'll never get away from it

# Why try, I'm telling you

# This lovin' stuff is here with us till the day we die MAN: # Stonewall Jackson played it rough WOMAN: # Love to him was kiddie stuff MAN: # Yeah, but Stoney swore that he'd never fall WOMAN: # But love cracked that old Stonewall BOTH: # Give up, you're through

# You'll never get away from it

# Why try, I'm telling you

# This lovin' stuff is here with us till the day we die

# We're

# Talking to you, friends

# Love's goin' to get you

# In the end WOMAN: # It's all part of nature's plan BOTH: # Love will always conquer man

# Love will always conquer man

# Love #

MAN: If you think I look like silly in this outfit, you oughta see me in a bathing suit.

I look like a pair of pliers with a Band-Aid on.

I'm in such bad shape.

I really am.

I got a frog in my throat.

First meat that's passed that way in an hour.

I just wanted you to see my suit.

Seersucker. Sears made it, and you're lookin' at the sucker that bought it.

On top of that, I'm so flat-footed, when I get out of the bathtub, somebody has to rock me back and forth to break the suction.

But, uh, the postman came with a letter and told me that the Great Society was having a war on poverty.

So, uh, I told him if that was true, I wanted to be the first to surrender.


There once was a girl from who played the violin.

Uh, she tucked it under her chin.

She plucked at her strings...

WOMAN: Like angel wings.

MAN: She plucked at her strings, among numerous things, and tucked it under her chin.

-Well, Mr McCarthy. -Jim.

Jamie McCarthy.

Jamie. Oh, that's a fine name. Fine.

-My mother used to call me Jamie. -Did she now?

Say, how would you like to call me Mother?

Come on, will ya?

I'm old enough to be your father.

Listen. Listen.

In that case, I'd like some fatherly advice.

-All right. -I have a terrible problem.

What's your problem, daughter?

-Well, this fellow, a friend... -Mmm-hmm.

...an Irish friend, he just called me from the bar, and he's in terrible trouble and wants me to come rescue him.

-What do you think of that? -What do you think of it?

Well, I'm asking for your advice. You're the wise one.

Be a hero. Tell me. Come on.

-Hey, Jackson. -Yo.

--Hey, Jackson.

Remember the time we went to New Orleans on a bet?

Yes, sir, I do.

We stayed up all night screaming at the top of our lungs.

We had a...

We had a... My nose itches.

-We had a... -Going to kiss a fool?

Yeah, I know.

We had a couple bimbos. No, actually, they were very nice girls.

-They reminded me a lot of you two. -Oh.

But they knew more dirty limericks than you could shake a stick at.

How nice.

Well, I knew a guy who used to make them up and sell them.

Really? He must have been an ex-convict.

-That's right. Don't look so wide-eyed. -I'm not wide-eyed.

Do you realise that ex-convicts and jailbirds are the ones that write all the limericks?

Not all of them.

Oh, don't argue with Mr McCarthy, miss.

Jimmy Arno, he wrote a couple that were really funny. Didn't he, Jeannie?

-That's right. He did. -Jimmy Arno?

-Mmm-hmm. -Jimmy Arno? Not the Jimmy Arno.

-Do you know him? -Never heard of him.

Aw, come on, now.

What the hell do we care about two whores?

-JEANNIE: You better watch... -Wait a minute!

-Two whores! -JEANNIE: I don't want you around!

Come on. Come on.

-You don't want us around? -That's right.

Look who's saying she doesn't want us around!

-You're coming on awfully strong. -Just who in the hell are you, huh?

Just who in the hell are you?

Wait a minute. Take it easy. What's the matter with you?

Why be so violent?

Take it easy. Just relax. Wait a minute, Jeannie. Wait, Jeannie.

I'm sorry.

Can I have a cigarette?

Let me close this door.

All right. I won't close the door.

Ah, boy, what a life!

Ah, what's the matter, Jeannie? Don't you like me? Hmm?

Why not? Come on. I can take criticism.

Hmm? What's the matter with me?

You don't want me to be crude? All right, I won't be crude.

Jeannie... Jeannie, I'm a nice guy.

Would you think that I weigh 190 pounds? Huh?

You're married.

Oh, Jeannie, am I married.

Yeah, I'm married.

I got a son almost as old as you.

He thinks he's a grown man.

He goes to college.

I wanted him to go to one of those Midwestern schools and play football, but his mother said, "No. No football".

So he said, "All right. What the hell. Okay, no football".

So instead he goes to Dartmouth.

Goes out for tennis instead.

All day long he walks around in tennis shoes.

What kind of a thing is that for a grown boy to walk around in tennis shoes all day long?

What the hell. He's my son.

Even if he wants to nance around, I say, "So what?"

Everybody's gotta Iead their own life, right?

So, he goes out for swimming and track,

and wears tennis shoes.

Jeannie, do you know what it is to be a promo man in a firm like mine, huh?

I'll tell ya.

You meet more millionaires and more presidents than you dream could exist.

And that seems like a big thing to you, huh?

So, what have I got after all those years?

A big house, a kooky wife and a kid who wears sneakers.


Hey, Jeannie baby! Hey. You're all right, Jeannie baby!

Whoo!

Hey. Turn out these lights, will ya?

Looks like an office in here.

How do you expect to make out with all these lights on?

What do you say, Slick?

Hey. You know what? You've got quite a tummy.

You've got... Hasn't he got a... Huh?

Hey, how about a little kiss for my buddy?

How about a... Ooh!

JEANNIE: Stay. Have a good time. Stella, lock up when you go.

Wait a minute. Where you goin'? Hold on!

-Leave me alone. -Will you leave her alone!

Just get out of here!

Now, what are you makin' a scene for? Huh?

-Come on. Give me a break. -Give you a break?

Why? You think you deserve a break?

-Look, I met this guy. -You met this guy. So?

-STELLA: Leave her alone. -Ah, shut up! Will you sit down?

So you met this guy. Go ahead. So you met this guy. What about him?

You in love with this guy? You hate this guy?

-You went to college with this guy? -No.

Come on. Don't do this. Don't.

All right. Come on, will ya?

Cut it out.

You son of a bitch!

JACKSON: There's this joke about the Siamese twins.

What?

Have you ever heard that old belly-twister, uh, about the Siamese twins?

No.

One is named June and the other July.

-Is that a real one? -Oh, no, no, no.

Let me light that for you.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, women.

If I live to be a million, I'll never understand 'em.

Crazy broads.

Aw, shoot, now.

Come on over here, huh?

Come on. Will ya?

Come on.

Come on, you son of a gun.

Come on, now. Come on.

Come on. Ooh, you.

Come on!

You know you're nuts?

You know that, don't you?

No, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't go away.

Come on in. Join the party.

There's been a lot of controversy over you tonight.

Oh, no, there hasn't been any controversy.

Sure there has.

-You're the one in the bar, right? -That's right.

-Been waitin' a couple of hours? -That's right.

Well, then, come on, take your coat off.

-Relax, join the party. -Hey, stop that.

Okay. Come on. Sit down. Sit down.

We'll just have a couple drinks, then we'll get out of here, huh?

You don't mind, do ya?

-What's your name, by the way? -Richard.

JIM: Well, Richard, Richard. Atta boy. That's a nice name, Richard.

Isn't that a nice name, Jackson? Hey, Richard. Richard. Richard!

I'm talkin' to you, boy. Come on. Pay attention. Let's go.

I'm Jim, that's Joe and, uh, Stella I suppose you know.

JACKSON: Hey, what do you do, Richard?

I'm a businessman.

-Insurance, huh? -That's right.

At least he's not a fag, huh, Jeannie?

Well, maybe I am.

The boy Richard is all right. Your friend Richard...

JACKSON: He's got spirit, hasn't he, Jim?

Listen, now that we're through with basic training, can we knock off the grade school theatrics? Jeannie, I...

# I used to work in Chicago in a department store

# I used to work in Chicago I do but I don't any more

# A lady came in, she asked for a whoop What kind of whoop said I

# Whoop she said, whoop I said I did but I don't any more #

Richard, you don't know a goddamn thing about women, do ya?

You know that women are basically all whores? Did you know that?

Ooh!

I'm sorry.

JIM: Excuse me, Jeannie.

You're married, right? Wouldn't you say he's married, Jackson?

-Oh, yeah, he's married. -Very much so.

JACKSON: Forty-eight, unhappy as hell.

Uh-huh. Separated, out for a good time. Out for a good time!

Lookin' for a little momentary relationship.

Who the hell are you guys?

Oh, didn't we tell ya, Richard? We're the police.

-Oh, yeah, we're the vice squad. -Vice squad!

STELLA: They're not. They're just kidding.

So, look, you run along home, sonny boy, and play with your own.

STELLA: Joe is Joe Jackson. Jim is Jim McCarthy.

He's vice president of Metal...

JACKSON: Industries of the Pacific West Coast and affiliate companies.

JIM: Jackson's supposed to mix the drinks, right?

-Right. -Jackson.

-Get me a double-double scotch. -Straight?

-No soda and no ice. -No soda, no ice.

Neat, clean, straight down the line, huh?

Dickie, why don't you go?

What do I do now?

Take my coat off?

What you want me to do? Take my coat off? All right.

-All right. Step outside. -No.

What do you mean, "No"?

If you think I'm gonna fight in the dark, you're crazy.

-We can't fight in Miss Rapp's house. -Why not?

Why not? Look, McCarthy, why don't you just get out of here?

Nobody wants you around.

-Oh, nobody wants me around, huh? -Right.

A little whiIe ago, you almost fainted when I offered you 200 bucks.

-Oh! -Two hundred bucks. Who needs ya!

You're not even pretty!

-I hope he knocks you on your fat prat! -FORST: Take it easy, Jeannie.

-You wanna fight or not? -You wanna go through with it?

What are you, yellow?

Oh, now you did it! Now you did it!

Now your head's gonna leave your body.

-Hey, do you need any help, boss? -No!

No! No, I don't need any help!

No!

JIM: Ooh, you wanna fight dirty, eh?

-Hey, hey, hey. -I'll kill him. Oh, my knee!

My knee. I'll kill ya. Ooh, my knee, my knee!

-You shouldn't have done it so long. -I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

-All right. Come on. -JIM: Get out of my way!

Come on. Will you go on? Come on, boy.

I'll kill him. Oh, my knee, my knee. Take it easy, will ya?

Ow! God! I'll kill that bum.

I'll take him apart and put him together again!

Yes, sir. Look, just a minute.

For crying out loud, I know you'll kill him.

What's the matter with you? Listen, I've taken guys twice his size.

I'll bet you have.

I had a 300-pound wrestler one time, gave me some gaff.

I picked him up over my head, threw him to the ground. I broke his collarbone!

You son of a gun.

-You don't believe me, huh? -Oh, sure I do.

-How did we get into this? -How did we get into it?

How the hell do we get out of it?

You son of a...

Ah, shoot. You look fine.

Now, take it easy, will ya?

Okay. But one word out of him, and I'll...

You son of a gun!

All right. Come on. Let's go.

I said, "I used to do a little bit of, uh...

"A little bit of fighting."


I understand you're a pretty big businessman. Is that right, Jim?

JIM: Yeah, that's right.

Stella tells me you're in advertising and promotion.

Yeah, that's my title.

They think I'm worth $150,000 a year plus expenses for it.

Ah. Who's your biggest account?

He doesn't believe me.

-Hey, look. Here's a card. -I'm not interested.

-No, he's not interested in that. -You buy, uh, brass and aluminium?

Yep. I buy brass and aluminium.

-Is that right? -That's right. Case closed.

Hey. Hey, now. Look, you son of a gun.

You told me in the kitchen.

Okay.

JIM: Hey, uh, you ever hear the one about the fag motorcycle driver?

FORST: Yeah, I heard that.

Well, how about the one about the little Jewish agent who...

"Not necessarily." I heard that one, too.

Hey, why don't you tell him about that one about "probably"...

Oh, come on, now. You gave the punch line away.

-What's the matter with you? -I heard that one.

-How about the goose one? -The goose one?

Yeah. The goose that goes down the subway and gets peopled to death.

The goose that goes down the subway and gets peopled to death.

JIM: Oh, you're too much. Oh, boy!

Hey, did you hear the one about the little Jewish carpenter who was so mean...

Once a schmuck, always a schmuck.

That's not the ending I heard.

That joke's old enough to have a beard.

You're really uncanny.

Oh, boy.

Hey, you said you were in business. What kind, uh...

He said he was in insurance business.

Well, I'm in finance. That's a form of insurance.

-Oh, really? -Yes.

-What do you do there? -I'm chairman of the board.

-We have one corporation. -Yeah? What's the firm?

Investment Finance. That's a pretty big outfit.

-Yeah. -Hey, uh, do you know Stewie Ray?

JACKSON: He's not kidding. JIM: I'm not making it up. Stewie Ray.

-Works for me. -JIM: No kidding? Really?

-Yeah. -He's a nice guy. Hell of a nice guy.

-You do business with him? -Ah, we talk once in a whiIe.

A firm like mine has to have a good credit rate. We talk.

-That's very good. -Yeah.

Enough of business already. I'm getting hungry.

You been to Chicago, Dick?

-Not often. -There he goes. He's...

He's uncanny with this phraseology, you know that?

No wonder you're chairman of the board.

Jeannie, you know what chairman of the board is?

He's the man. He's a killer. Boy, he's got all the weight.

Did you ever tell Jean about the board of directors' meeting?

I was just about to, but I didn't get the chance somehow.

There he goes with that uncanny phraseology of his again.

Boy, I'll bet you're a real murderer behind that big desk of yours.

Well, I don't have a big desk.

You know, you're all right. You're all right. You know...

I've been a... I've been a road man all my life.

I've been in every toilet in 50 states.

I sort of prefer it that way. Hey, do you know the...

JIM: Hey, you know what? Before they had planes, they had trains.

Now they got these planes that fly like that.

Four and a half hours from New York to Los Angeles.

Four and a half hours. You believe that?

-I don't wanna talk about business. -Huh?

I don't wanna either. I'd rather play a game of billiards.

Do you play billiards?

I can tell by your expression you don't. I'll bet you're a golf man, right?

-Tennis. -Tennis. My kid plays tennis, too.

Is that right? Tennis? No kidding.

I got a friend of mine who bought Don Budge's house.

I know those guys. You know, Segura, Kramer, uh, Gonzales.

I only play for myself.

JIM: Sure. Go down, play a few sets, work off the gut.

That'll keep your mind... Uh, body up with your mind.

I got a kid who plays, too.

He's a hell of a nice kid. Smart as a whip, too.

-Nothing like his old man. -Why you S.O.B.

-You're right. I am an S.O.B. -You are.

Oh, boy. This kid's fantastic. He runs! He runs!

And he runs for hours and hours. Summer, winter, snowing, rain.

He doesn't care. He swims in any kind of weather.

Oh, boy. I'm tellin' ya, I don't know where these kids get the energy.

You ever see these Ivy League kids?

They all look alike, skinny shoulders, sneakers.

I don't know what the hell you're talking about.

Oh, I don't know either.

-Hey. Hey. -What?

I think that Dickie would like to be alone with the young lady.

Oh, sure. Who wouldn't? I would, too. You kidding?

A couple of visiting firemen come in, cramp your style, step all over your feet, huh?

Listen, McCarthy, if you don't get out of here, I'm gonna call the vice squad.

-Hey, remember. We're the vice squad! -You're the vice squad!

Okay. Hey, Stella, why don't you give that girl... What's her name?

-Marta. -Marta. Why don't you give her a call?

Now, come on, sweetheart? All right? Then we can get out of here. Okay?

Oh, gee, Dick, how did we get into this situation anyway?

I'm sorry. It's ridiculous, isn't it?

Why don't I give you a call Monday?

Maybe we can have lunch or, uh, maybe just talk on the phone, all right?

-That's a very good idea. -Good. Okay. Stewie Ray.

Ah. Oh, boy.

Ah, Stewie Ray. Hey, come on.

Oh, Jeannie, I'll call you the next time I get in town.

Yes, yes, you do that.

JIM: Come on, Stella. Let's go. Shake it up!

-It's been a real pleasure. -Nice meeting you.

-Richard, old boy. -Jim.

-Nice meeting you. -Right.

-Sorry about what happened. -Well, that's the way it goes.

-Night. -Joey.

JACKSON: It's really been a pleasure.

You're gonna get a raise, Joey. I hope so.

JIM: Come on, Stella, step it up, will ya? Let's go. Let's go. Come on.

I'm glad she's not too tired. I gotta get my coat. Wait.

Come on. Let's go. Let's go.

-Wait till I get... -STELLA: It's cold outside.

-Come on. -STELLA: Good night, Jeannie.

JEANNIE: Thanks. See you later.

Good night again. Good night, Miss Rapp.

JIM: Dickie, Stewie Ray, huh?

Stewie Ray!

I thought they'd never leave.

"Stewie Ray."

-"You're a golf man, right, Richard?" -Tennis.

I never laughed so hard.

I was pretty good, wasn't I?

-My hero. -Hi, ho, Silver!

Shh!

White horse hero. You get it?

Yeah, I get it.

Ah, Dickie, Dickie, Dickie.

I like you, you know. I really do like ya.

-Well, don't get serious. -I'm not.

-Well, don't. -I wasn't.

Definition of "seriousness".

Noun. Grave or solemn of disposition.

Yeah, well, I wasn't getting serious. I'm your friend.

Well, you know how I feel about friendship.

-No. How do you feel? -Definition of "friendship".

Noun. One who's attached to another because of their personal regard.

Companion, a comrade, a chum, and someone who doesn't get serious.

-Friends never get serious? -Never.

-Can a friend ask a question? -No. And shut up.

Let's do Peter Piper picked a pickle... Peck a...

-Ah, Dickie, I'm exhausted. -You can't be exhausted.

Peter Piper picked a peck of peckled...

Peter Piper picked a peck of...

Hey, Dickie, why did you want to see me?

I wanted to play with you.

All right. Then what?

Oh, we'd play, have a few laughs, see what developed.

-I like you. -You like me.

-I like you. -All right, you like me.

-That's right. I like you. -Oh, Dickie, what's the matter?

You think I'm one of those gross businessmen?

You think I have a secretary that picks up the phone and gets me whatever I want?

Jeannie, I buried eight relatives in the past six years.

There's nobody left but me. I'm just a mild success in a dull profession, and I wanna start over again.

And I've got a bad kidney!

So?

Come on and take a bath.

I don't want a bath!

No bath?

No bath.

People drown in bathtubs.

No hard feelings?

You're aces high with me, Charlie.

# I dream of Jeannie

# With the light brown hair

# Borne like a vapour on the summer air

You know, you're a very strange man.

-Well, you want me to leave, I'll leave. -But not sensitive.

And another thing, you don't make me insecure.

-That's not one of my problems. -Good.

Alrighty.

Now.

Okay, give me a foot.

--Those are new socks.

Yeah? Good.

Yeah, new socks make me insecure.

Clothes make the man.

-What does that do? -Makes your feet smell good.

Oh, that's fine.

Then I'm gonna dry them off, I'm gonna powder them down, and then I'm gonna rub 'em till warm.

# Oh, dem bones, dem bones They walk all over

# Dem bones, dem bones # Dem bones, dem bones

# They walk all over # Dry bones

# Dem bones, dem bones # Dem bones, dem bones, dry bones

# Now hear the word of the Lord

# Dem bones, dem bones # Now the backbone

# Oh, dem bones, dem bones They walk all over

# Dem bones, dem bones gonna walk around #

-I trust you. -What?

I said... I said I trust you.

Good.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Oh, Freddie.

Jeannie. Hey, Jeannie.

Jeannie, you wanna hear a secret, huh?

Oh, Jeannie, I don't give a damn about racial, religious, moral, economical, political problems.

-That makes two of us. -Eating meat disturbs me.

Right. Can you imagine raising poor little chickens, steers and lambs to fill our tummies?

Now, there's a problem and nobody cares.

Right.

-Right? Huh? Right? -Right.

They take all the wool off the lamb, and then we eat it.

Oh, Dickie.

What is all this holier-than-thou crap that they hand us?

You know what I think? I think we were all created evil!

Then some wise guy... Some, uh... A left-winger or a...

A union organiser comes along and tells us that we all were created good.

We were all created in His image. Right?

Wrong.

Hey, Jeannie. Jeannie, come here.

Now, I'm gonna tell you something. This is serious.

You're such a lovely girl, Jeannie, but you talk too much.

I talk too much?

Didn't anybody ever tell you that?

You talk too much.

-I..? -Now turn out the lights.


I'm spending the night.

You're a son of a bitch. Do you know that?

Why am I a son of a bitch?

Because you get to me.

And anybody that gets to me...

You kill me.

Let's have some music.


MAN: # Ow!

# I said everybody

# Throw up your hands now


# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah


# I heard of skate-a-ling

# Skate-a-ling

# Skate-a-ling, skate-a-ling

# Skate-a-ling, oh!


# Ow!

# I said everybody

# Throw up your hands now


# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah#


Here we are.

Come on!

Well, come on. Here's the living room.

Come on.

Ooh! Oh!


Oh, oh, Chet.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

# You know, life's so funny, baby

# Don't even know where I'm gonna run

# You know, life's so funny, baby

# Don't even know where I'm gonna run

# You're still such a little darlin'

# Expect so much#

Leave her alone now, and stop it!

-Come and sit down. -Hey.

Let's just sit down!

It's a nice place you got here.

Thank you. It's 27 years old.

-Twenty-seven years old? -Oh, come on, Chettie!

Let's do some more twistin' and groovin'.

-Florence, the party's over. -Come on, Florence.

Oh, no. The party's just beginning.

-Right, Chettie? -Uh, yeah, right.

'Cause I'm mixing the drinkies.

Ladies, declare!

-Gin and tonic. -Scotch and soda.

Two glasses comin' up. Oh!

Look, I got these records.

Can we have some music, please?

Can we have some music or something, or are we just gonna sit here?

Where are you from, Chet?

Detroit.

Do you like Los Angeles?

Do you?

Well, I like the climate.

I do, too.

Well! Well, wasn't that some place tonight, huh?

And those dances. The, uh, Watusi and the Frug.

-CHET: Oh, yeah. -And the Dog and the Jerk.

-CHET: And the... -Did you like it?

With all those young boys? Of course I liked it.

CHET: Yeah.

-Yeah. -Of course I liked it.

I did notice that you handled yourself very well at the A-Go-Go.

Oh! Well, thank you.

You're definitely an individual type.

I mean, you don't seem to succumb to the atmosphere.

Who was the little bIonde girl with the big blue eyes and the big bazoom?

And did you notice the one in the black tights with the boots?

LOUISE: You have to have the figure for those tights.

I have never had any complaints, Louise.

Billie-May, I didn't say anything like that.

You...

Come on, now, you guys. I mean, like, you got nothin' to worry about.

Really. Believe me. None of ya.

Believe me, will ya?

You people are too much, man. Look...

Are you kiddin'?

Well, out of that whole room full of pretty, young chicks, what made you come over to our table?

Oh, Billie-May, you know why?

Because there was something wrong with ya.

You guys were all sitting there like a bunch of...

Well, like you were gonna break into tears any minute.

Now, if I see someone trying to join in and not knowing how, if I myself know how and always make it a point to know how with anybody, and I say, "Go on over, man".

Kind of like, uh, Jesus said. You know.

# Jesus said la, dee, da

# God is love, love is dead #

Kind of like Christ said, you know. HeIp thy neighbour, man.

-Is he the one that said that? -LOUISE: Billie-May, what difference does it make who said it?

CHET: What difference does it make who said it?

It could have been, uh...

It could have been Him.

It could have been Gandhi. It could have been Buddha.

It could have been spoodah. It could have been your daddy.

It could have been your mama. It could have been your uh-uh.

Could have been your huh-huh.

What difference, man?

Hey, listen, man. It's a very good way to express yourself.

BILLIE-MAY: What do you mean?

What?

I said, "What do you mean?"

Well, I said, like, take a guy my age.

I gotta have some kind of a release.

Now, do you wanna...

Well, I can't very well hold up a bank for kicks.

-That's against the law, right? -LOUISE: Right.

-FLORENCE: Right, Chettie. -Then everybody agrees with me.

-Christ. So what do you do? -LOUISE: You dance.

-You dance. -BILLIE-MAY: You dance.

You have a few belts and go up to some chick's pad and make it, baby.

Make it?

Just make it, baby. You out-and-out lay down and...

And I...

Or you can sit around, have a drag and, uh, think about what's wrong and all, you know?

Oh, I know what you mean.

-I think you do. -BILLIE-MAY: Oh, sure she does.

Sure she does.

-BILLIE-MAY: Well! -Well!

Aaah!

FLORENCE: Yeah, boy.

BILLIE-MAY: Well, Louise, Maria, Florence, there it is.

This is it.

The, uh, new generation. The one our husbands...

CHET: That's fun...

That's funny as hell.

Billie-May, how'd you happen to get on the subject of our husbands again?

Well... Oh...

Because they're scared. They're scared men. I mean...

Well, they're...

They're scared of you.

They're scared of you. They're, uh...

-Really? -Mmm-hmm.

They are scared of your youth, and your spirit, and your build.

They think that they are the kings of the earth and they do not want you takin' their place, see?

Well, I don't want it. I mean, not...

Well, I just don't want the hang-up.

Chettie!

You're a damn good-looking kid for only 23.

-Florence. -Let's dance.

# Florence from Torrance She's got the insurance

# Florence from Torrance The men all want Florence

# The happiest chick that I ever did see

# Until I met a girl named Billie-May

# Come on, Billie-May I want it your way

# Come on, Billie-May Make it any day

# Come on, Billie-May I wanna do the thing

# Do the little bell, babe Turn me on like hell, babe

# Come on, Billie-May Hit the ray, you and me, Billie-May

# Come on, now You will see everything for you and me

# We will do all the things that we did before, my dear

# Florence from Torrance

# The hot-headed Florence Just what they can't see

# The girl named Florence is groovy, you see

# But all they want to do is spend her money

# 'Cause she's got the insurance The girl from Torrance, Florence

# Send all her allowance Florence from Torrance #

-No. -Come on.

-No. -Come on. It's easy.

-No. No, Chet. I don't wanna. -Right shoe.

Right shoe. Yeah, baby. Put it right there.

-No. -Come on.

# Put on the red meat, baby I want the red meat, baby

# I like the rare meat, baby

# Don't want no seasonin', baby No taters or no onions

# All I wanna do is tonion Come on. That's it.

-Where are you... Come here. -No.

Right here, baby. It's easy.

# I need your red meat, baby

# It grooves me like your white meat, baby

# Put it in the oven Want it big and round

# Put it in the oven Eat it off the ground

# Come on and do the slip and slide

# I ain't had no goodies since your granny died

# Put on the red meat, baby

# Don't want no taters or onions

# I just want a tonion

# Come on and put on the red, baby

Come on.

# I like the red meat, baby#

Oh, I think we're makin' fools of ourselves.

-What? -Yeah.

I'm making a fool of myself?

Well, we are. Yeah.

-Well, who are you to criticise me? -I'm not criticising. I'm just saying...

You don't have to tell me I'm making a fool of myself.

Look, I know how to dance my way.

I don't need you to tell me about it.

I come from a musical background.

-I take care of a family of five. -Okay. Okay.

I have a college degree, and I don't need you to tell me I'm making a fool of myself.

-Hey. Wait a minute. I'm sorry... -Don't touch me!

Chettie, you criticised her, honey. Criticise me.

At my age, I'm willing to learn, honey. Please.

Okay, you wanna cool it just for a moment?

FLORENCE: # Hot-headed Florence, she's from Torrance

# The insurance for Chettie-boy

# Oh, Billie-May She makes love in the hay

# Hot-headed Florence

# She's from Torrance with all the insurance

# Hot-headed Florence Zoom, zoom, da-ditty

# Oh, Maria You can't see Maria

# Oh, you can't talk to Maria Oh, Maria #

FLORENCE: # Louise, Louise, Louise, don't pee in the trees#

Well.

Well, I think that I maintained my dignity throughout the entire thing.

I mean, hell, it isn't as if we did anything wrong.

All anybody has to do is just to look at the four of us.

I mean, to know that there was nothing wrong.

And if old Malcolm is gonna get upset over a...

Over a silly thing like that, then where are we?

But you know Louise.

She is gonna go home and talk about how vulgar it was and how terrible we all behaved and how she went home the moment it all began.

But I don't...

Well, if she does, I'm just gonna tell her she's full of it.

But I don't think she will. Do you?

I mean, not that I give a damn anyway.

You know, this is gonna put her back on the couch for another 25 years.

I'll tell you something eIse funny, honey.

I love Malcolm.

Yes, I am in love with my husband.

How about that?

I think he's nice.

Don't you?

You know my Louie.

So short.

Those awful glasses.

And he can't carry a tune, much less dance.

What's the matter?

Are you tired?

Oh, come on. Don't be tired. The evening's young, you know.

You know, these dances, these wild, crazy dances, I think they've succeeded where science failed.

'Cause, you know, I can go to a beauty parlour and sit there for hours having my hair done and my naiIs polished, but I don't feel any younger.

I might look it.

But these dances, these wild, crazy dances, they do something to me inside.

Well, to hell with Louie.

Because do you know one of these days I'm gonna croak?

And I'm gonna flop down on the ground, and some goddamn preacher's gonna preach a goddamn sermon over my goddamn body!

Oh, Chettie, Chettie, Chettie.

Oh! Oh, Chettie.

Let's put on another record and dance some more, shall we?

Shall we?

Oh. Oh, Chettie.

I'm so exhausted.

Oh! I'm so exhausted.

-I'm... -Oh. Wait.

Oh, Chettie!

--Oh, Chettie. Chettie.

Oh, Chettie, you know, I just love to dance, don't you?

I love ya, Flo. I just love ya.

Oh, you know, I could... I could just dance...

Dance all night with you.

-Oh. You know it? -I know you could.


Oh, that's so wonderful.

You're wonderful.

Chettie,

would you kiss me?

Florence. Florence.


FLORENCE: Mmm!

Chettie, will you drive me home?

Sure.

Sure. I'll drive you home.

Chettie! Chettie!

You said you'd drive me home.

I will. I will.

Maria, he is driving me home.

-Florence, you haven't got a car. -Let me have your car.

-I will drive you home. -I will return it tomorrow.

All right. Let me get the keys.

I'll drive.


You son of a...

MARIA: No, no. Yes, yes, yes.

-No, no, no, no, no. -Yes, yes.


Let me change.

Okay.

# If I find my love will I be a louse?

# Who cares, man? I'm gonna do it anyway

# Just the way I got to do it today

# Turn around and we'll all play

# Pull down the spread Pull down the covers

# Gonna get in and have another's

# Lovers' little bed and gonna have fun

# Undress, baby, and we'll be one

# Take down your pants Take down your drawers

# Gonna show your daddy what his balls are for

# Come on, honey, take off my socks#


It's the lights.

I don't like lights.

Aaah!

Yeah, well, I'm all wet.

You know you have a beautiful body?

Yeah, well...

I've been told that, yes.

I have been seduced.

Is it a nice feeling?

I am not tired, if that's what you mean.

Eat your eggs.

What does that mean?

It means that your eggs are hot, and they're gonna get cold.

You're a lousy cook.

Thank you. I love to cook. My mom always told me, "You wanna eat, cook.

"Otherwise you'll be skinny.

"And skinny people are not like fat people.

"Fat people are jolly."

-Right? -Wrong.

Skinny people are happy because they're not fat.

Okay, I'll diet.

You're not fat.

-What? -You're voluptuous.

What?

I can't hear you, Dickie.

Oh. Dishes.


Well, that's a negative attitude.

-What? Putting on my pants? -Yeah.

Well, I just hate getting out of bed. That's all.

Stop apologising. I love ya.

-Don't be so bighearted. -What an answer.

-Well, you make lousy eggs. -I do?

Yes, and I don't know how anyone could make lousy eggs.

Look, in my whole life nobody ever told me I make lousy eggs.

Yeah, but nobody was ever honest with you before.

-Oh, yeah? -Yeah.

-What do you want? Cigarettes? -Oh, no, I quit.

I don't smoke either. I never did.

-Well, don't I get any credit for that? -No.

Did you know I steal in supermarkets?

And I don't like dogs.

-You don't like dogs? -Hate them. Puppies even.

What do you mean you steal?

Oh, you jerk.

Just don't ever say you know all of Jeannie Rapp's secrets.

-You're wearing false eyelashes. -So?

You're stupid. So help me God, you're stupid.

I'm stupid? You can't even say a decent, "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers".

All you do is say, "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled poopers".

Well, that doesn't make any sense.

I dream of Jeannie, Peter Piper, laughing, dancing, having a good time.

Does it begin to come back to you?

Oh, you're such a child.

I am not a child. You're a... You're a lousy dancer.

-You oughta take lessons. -Well, I took dances.

You know, you have a tin ear, too. You can't even carry a tune.

But last night, you danced and you sang and you just let it all go and didn't we have a good time?

You liked making love to me, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

So, you see, there. That's good, isn't it?

And you enjoyed my company, too, didn't you?

I enjoyed your company.

And you said that you trusted me, didn't you?

Yes, I did.

And you thought Peter Piper was pretty important last night, didn't you?

-Didn't you? -Yes, I did.

You see? I'm always right.

I listened to your demented dialogue, too, didn't I?

-Yes, you did. -And I thought you were crazy, didn't I?

But I made love to you, and I held you in my arms all night.

And if you'd been out in the street last night, they'd have had you committed. Wouldn't they?

Right?

I suppose so.

You son of a gun.

How come you hate me now?

Jeannie,

do me a favour?

Don't be silly any more.

Just be yourself.

But I am myself.

Who eIse would I be?

I'm serious.

Definition of "serious".

Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let me get this garbage out of here.

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# Borne like a vapour on the summer air

# I see her tripping where the light something grows

# I dream of Jeannie with the light brown hair

# Borne like a... Ah!

# On the summer air

# I see her tripping

# Where the light something grows

# Happy as a... #

FORST: Jeannie.

Jeannie?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Now, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where is the peck of pickled peppers Peter picked?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter picked?

Huh?

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Now, if Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where is the peck of pickled peppers Peter picked?

Peter Piper picked a peck...

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers...

Operator, I want the emergency rescue squad.

My number?

My number is...


No way.

Come on.


Come on, now, drink this, damn it!

Goddamn bitch. Drink this!


Please walk.

Walk.

Maria, walk, please.

Walk. Come on.


Come on, now. Don't go back out.


No. You gotta stay awake. Please.

I don't want you to die.

Please, lady.

You gotta stay awake.

You gotta stay awake.

Hey. Come on. Come on.

Come on, now! God damn it!

Now, come on!

That's it! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Ooh, you gonna cry? Oh! Come on.

Come on.

I didn't want to hit you, but don't go to sleep on me.

Oh! Come on, now. Cry. That's it. That's life, honey.

Tears are happiness, man. Just do it.

Come on, now. Oh.

You silly nut.

Do you want some coffee?

Can I trust ya? Huh? Huh?

Okay. Wait a minute.

I don't trust ya anyway. I don't.

Ah! You little sneaky, you.

I'm gonna get you some coffee.


I'm cold.


I like you.

I caused you a lot of pain and a lot of grief, and I almost killed ya.

And I prayed, man. Oh... I prayed to God.

I said, "God, please, dear God, don't let anything happen to her

"'cause I love her so much, and I'll do anything you say, God".

And, man, I don't even believe in Him, you know.

But, I mean, it doesn't matter. I... We protect ourselves.

So, when you talk ethics and values and honesty, and I'm a nice guy and you're a nice guy and this and that, you know, I mean, it just doesn't matter.

Nobody cares.

Nobody has the time to be vulnerable to each other.

So, we just go on.

I mean, right away our armour comes out like a shield and goes around us and we become like mechanical men.

Yeah. And I called you a mechanical woman, huh?

I got news. I'm so mechanical...

Honey, it's absolutely ludicrous how mechanical a person can be.

I am the sexiest guy in the world.

I have blond hair.

I can get all the women I want.

You're waking up, aren't ya?

Uh-huh.

You silly little puddin'.

Yes, I am a silly little puddin'.

You know, anybody that would pop a lot of sleeping pills, anybody that would their guts out, you know, in front of company, anybody that would let a guy slap her and not be mad at him...

-You're supposed to be saving my life. -...hasn't got much to say.

I've got lots to say. You wanna try me?

No, I hate you. I really hate you.


# Yes, I know

# Yes, I know

# Oh, didn't Daniel in that lions' den

# Oh, Lord, I'm ready

# I'll be ready when that great day comes

# Oh, glory, hallelujah

# Ready, oh, Lord, I'm ready

# I'll be ready when that great... #


I thought you just had problems.

That's wonderful. That's something new.

A noble adulteress.

I think you ought to be rewarded.

I'll write it into a policy. You commit adultery, the adulterer gets killed.

The beneficiary, who is the adulteress, gets paid off, right?

Dickie, I don't care.

Rejected for the thousandth time in 14 years.

She doesn't care.

All I have to do is find that 1 0-year-old rapist and kill him.

And then you get paid off.

You don't need me, you don't need any man.

And I'll write the policy.

What the hell were you doing? Chasing each other all over the house?

You couldn't get laid in bed, so you come down to the kitchen?

Then you go up and take a shower to wash off the kitchen?

You get laid once and everything is solved!

Get all the soldiers in Vietnam laid and the whole Middle East problem is solved!

You want violence, huh? You want me to be violent? Is that it?

You want me to slap you across the face every time you open your mouth?

I hate my life.

I just don't love you.


Throw me a cigarette, please.

A light.

My lighter, please.


Those pills, they tie up your lungs.

Ouch.


MAN ON RECORD PLAYER: # Never felt like this before

# Never felt like this before

# I see you in the storm

# And you hold me in your arms

# And I feel safe and warm

# I want you always by my side Don't you ever let me leave

# Or get away from you

# I'm gonna stick like glue

# 'Cause you knew what I was after

# Now the time is for laughter

# What you doin' standin' way over there

-Excuse me. # I want you to come stand over here

# And never leave me here alone

# Have you felt like this before

# Never felt like this before

# Never felt like this before #