Fading Gigolo (2013) Script

You know, my grandfather started the shop, my father had it, and now I have to close it.

This is the end of an era, my friend.

Let me tell you.

Nowadays, only... rare people buy rare books.

You'll get back on your feet.

Hey, I have a very funny story to tell you.

Mm-hmm. Today I was at my dermatologist's for a little procedure, nothing serious.

You know, I'm talking to her for a while.

Mm-hmm. She tells me she was with her girlfriend, and they... they were discussing things.

And they came to the conclusion that they both wanted to have a ménage.

This is what she tells me.

And I... I'm flabbergasted.

I say, "A ménage a trois?"

And she said, "Yeah." This is what she wants.

This came out of nowhere. Out of nowhere.

The... apparently, she and her girlfriend want to experience, you know, a threesome.

And... and she asked me, do I know anybody?

And I... I said... I said, "Yeah.

"I know somebody, but it'll cost you a thousand bucks."

And... And you know, the truth is, I was thinking of you.

Me? Why not?

You... You were always great with women.

And, you know, she's attractive.

She's round and curvaceous...

I saw a photograph of her friend in a thong.

And her friend is a crippler, and she's...

Are you on drugs?

Apart from my Zoloft, no.

Well, why would I ever entertain something like that?

How many... How many days you working now at the flower shop?

Two. Two, okay, so you're living hand to mouth. Jesus.

Who bailed you out when you couldn't make the rent money last month?

Yeah, but I paid you back.

Yes, you paid me back, but basically you're out of work.

And you're closing shop.

And I'm closing shop. Exactly.

Of course, I would, you know, get a little taste of this.

I mean, I... I saw myself getting a small fee.

How long do you know me?

Long? I've known you since you were a kid, since you broke into this bookstore and tried to rob it.


Papa Mo, I'm sorry you lost your job.

Your mother still has her job, so thank God for that.

Papa Mo, what does this word mean?

E-n-s-o-r-c-e-l-l-e-d.

"Ensorcelled" is, you know, like "enchanted," like when a... a sorceress casts a spell on you.

Don't you go getting yourself enchanted while mama's away at work.

This is how she talks to the man who put her through bartender school.

Mm-hmm. There's lice in my class, Papa Mo.

I think I got lice. Lice?

My hair itches.

Oh my God.

No, no, no! Don't touch, don't touch anything.

Nothing in the house. Don't touch a thing.

Now I'ma have to bring your ass back to the lice lady.

Hello? Hello, Murray.

It's Dr. Parker.

Dr. Parker, is something wrong?

Were you serious? Knowing someone?

Oh. Oh.

My husband's got a lot of money, Murray, and I'd like to... Hang on a second.

Excuse me. Let me take this in my office.

Maybe I should try your guy out first.

Alone. Just me and him.

You know, kind of like an out-of-town tryout.

Exactly, like a sneak preview.

Yeah. Is he clean?

Yes, of course he's clean.

I mean, I don't want to get AIDS.

AIDS? Or gonorrhea.

Gonorrhea? Jesus, what are you talking about?

He's a nice kid. I know him personally.

And he would tell you? Yes, he would.

You know, as far as I know.

And he's got protection?

Sure, he's got protection. The guy's a pro.

I'm a little crazed. I just came from an AIDS benefit.

So...

We're really going to do this? We're definitely going to do it.

I mean, I'm not going to be there.

Okay. You know, I just have to, you know, check out his availability, because, you know, he's highly in demand.

Lover boy. What are you doing in that closet?

Checking for lice.

He's always checking for something. Oh my god.

You need a young, slick, leading man type.

This is exactly my point.

I am not a beautiful man.

Did I say you were beautiful? But you have a different quality.

You have a certain kind of sex appeal.

Thank you. Is Mick Jagger a beautiful man?

The guy opens his mouth to sing. It's a horror.

But he's hot. Mick is hot. And that's what you have.

Let me ask you a question.

You look good without your clothes, right?

How do you know?

Because some guys just look better when they're naked.

I figured you're one.

What does that have to do with Mick Jagger?

He's rich and he's famous.

Yes, but you're sexy.

Says who? Says me.

You're a sick man. You need help.

I go for help twice a week.

You need a guy like...

Tom Ford or George Clooney.

You're not that. You're a... you're a... a man's man in a certain way.

You're... you know, you're not afraid to get dirty.

You get your hands dirty. You're working with plants.

Earth. You're with wires and plumbing and drain pipes and bowls, you know.

You do disgusting work. You're not afraid...

Hey. You're disgusting in a very positive way.

Thank you. That's always nice to hear.

You know, women... women have always liked you. All kinds of women.

You do great with them.

Blondes, brunettes, redheads, Asian women.

Pregnant women. Not for money.

Hey. Am I saying "for money"?

You're going to make somebody happy here.

Listen, I'm not a young man.

You understand? You're not young.

But you're an experienced lover.

Why shouldn't you get paid for it?

Am I your friend?

You're more than a friend.

And you want to turn me into a ho?

Would I... Would I steer you wrong?

So what's the split?

Okay. Now, now we can discuss things.

I didn't say I was interested.

I want to know, what would it be?

Well, you know, an agent gets 10% usually.

A manager will take 15%.

The guys in the art galleries get 50%.

They split 50-50. Mm-hmm.

I'd say 60/40 would be nice.

You know, favoring you. Favoring you.

All right, let me think about it.

As soon as we get the lice out of his head, I'll take you on the carousel.

Can I go on The Twister?

Yeah, we'll do it all.

You know, I just want to get him de-loused.

I got a question, Uncle Mo. What?

Why do all these people have...

What? Curlies and beards?

Yeah, and sideburns.

For warmth. It's for warmth.

Unbelievable. I was merging!

I was merging right straight across the street.

What are you, blind, cowboy? There's a stop sign right there!

What's the matter with you people?

In the car with a herniated disc.

If anything happens to her, let me tell you something, There's going to be a big problem here.

I don't want any trouble. You got to be kidding me!

What happened?

Watch your tzitzit! Thanks, Dovi!

Are you all right, honey?

If anything happens to my wife, you're...

I'm very sorry...

Take it easy? This guy just rammed right into me and my wife.

Look at the dent. I see the dent. It's a bad dent.

I'm not excited! Get off my back!

Where's the police?

Jesus Christ!

Speak English! You're in Brooklyn!

We speak English!

You're not in the old country no more!

This is Brooklyn!

Miss, could you back?

Mommy, what's wrong?

Who were those guys?

Shabbes goys.

Hey. Is it my imagination, or do I know you from someplace?

Have I met you before?

You bought my husband's s'farim.

Exactly. Exactly.

I bought your husband's books.

Of course. He died two years ago.

Right. A heart attack.

Oh, Jesus. He was a wonderful rabbi.

A great man.

Hey... hey! I went to the shiva.

I... he had a wonderful collection of books.

I knew... I knew I knew you.

I... what's...

What's the story on his hair?

He's got lice or... how big is a louse?

The size of a sesame seed.

You see? Oh, Jesus.

You know, I brought gloves.

Because I'm not going to touch these kids.

I'm not going to touch it. Don't worry.

They don't usually go for men.

I'm going to wear the gloves anyhow, you know.

The blood. Too acidic.

Hasidic?


How do you do?

Hello. Nice to meet you.

These are for you.

How sweet. What is that?

The arrangement? It's Japanese.

My friend, Niho, told me how to make it.

Please come in. Make yourself at home.

Thank you.

So... It's a beautiful day.

Yes.

Shame to be inside.

We have a balcony.

Nice.

So you're a doctor. Dermatologist.

You have good skin. My mother had good skin.

Even in her 80s, barely a wrinkle.

You couldn't tell her age.

You were close?

Mm-hmm.

That's unusual.

I've never done this before.

First time. Yes.

Mm-hmm. Well...

I understand. Yeah.

You do this often. No. I mean...

So this is kind of a part-time thing.

Yes, you could say that.

I... I think I should...

Let me get you... you want this? Yeah.

Same, yeah. Mm-hmm.

Watch.

I'm married. Did you know that?

Uh-huh. Is that your husband?

Claude. He's a mountain climber.

Huh. A good-looking man.

Yes.

Do you like the music? I could change it.

No, it's perfect.

It's instrumental. Ah, that's better.

Do you want me to take my clothes off?

No, no, not yet.

Okay, just... maybe after.

This is so... high school.


Oh, I, I, I...

Oh, I...

I didn't go all the way in high school.

It's slow. It's fine.

Relax.

Mortality is a very iffy thing.

I mean, you're here one day, and then something happens, and the next day you're gone.

And the world goes on without you.

It's a...

You know... actually... when something terrible happens, you know, like a... an earthquake, maybe, or... a pogrom, I think it's not a bad idea sometimes for a person to reach out.

To a rabbi? Sure, a rabbi's good.

A rabbi's good.

But...

I think it's very nice sometimes to reach out beyond the rabbi.

I mean, something more.

Venture further out.

I don't care.

Fuck you.

Fuck you, Claude!

So how long were you up there? Two hours?

Right. Around.

But I'm not sure I understand you.

Are we charging, you know, by the hour?

What, you're asking me?

No. What I assumed, naturally, was that it was, you know, we be charging per... you know, per shot.

How many times did you do it with her?

More than once? Mm-hmm.

Really? I'm very impressed.

Viagra?

Oh, no.

I... I don't believe this.

You don't even open the envelope.

Hey, she's your doctor. Yeah, she's my doctor, but you know, in today's world, she could turn out to be a psychopathic ax murderer.

Well, thanks for telling me.

Wait one second. I'm counting.

I... I don't understand this.

Where'd you get the extra 500 bucks?

Tip. A tip?

She tipped you? Yeah.

She must've really liked you.

Mm-hmm. Wow.

You know, I hate to bring this to your attention, but the general protocol, certainly among waitresses is they'll pool their tips, and they split them.

Take two. Two.

Perfect. I think that's appropriate division.

1,500 for you and 1,000 for me.

Very nice day's work, let me tell you.

I... this, you know, This makes it official.

I'm your ho.

Hey, it's the oldest profession.


Thanks, honey.

You know, I picked out the fabric myself.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I think I was high on acid at the time.

Oh, feel it. It's great.

Yeah, yeah, it's...

Yeah, it's stuffed with turkey feathers or something.


Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Wait, calm yourselves.

Oh, a gigolo? It's in the music business.

They, you know, there's the music and lyrics...

Oh yeah. And the gigolo parts.

It's me, Fior. Is Murray home yet?

I can't get through to him. He hasn't been picking up.

No, no no no. There's no problem.

All right, just tell him that I called.

Thanks. Bye.

Waiting for someone?

No.

Would you like some company?

For how long? An hour or two.

Whatever you like.

Le professione del vechio del mondo.

I don't understand.

I think you do.

Shimshon. How are you?

Good. You going to play baseball, Dovi?

Yeah.

Go, Twisters.

Tell your mother I said hi.

Okay, I will.


Short men always pursued me.

My brothers, who are really tall, would get so upset.

"Why can't you find a tall man?"

Like it's easy.

Good skin?

Soft. Silky.

Sense of humor?

Well...

Too much honey, get away from me.

A man needs to be funny, no?

A man needs to be a man, not a woman.

Not a pretty boy.

Perfect.

A beautiful son of a bitch, He tells you that he loves you, but he's really thinking something else.

I don't think we got that far.

So, if this... does he have a name?

Fioravante.

I like it. Sexy.

Mm-hmm.

So...

If this Fioravante... was an ice cream cone, what flavor would you say that he was?

Pistachio.

Perfect.

Yeah.

Maybe I should try him, hmm?

No? Why not?

Hmm?

Pistachio.

Hey, we're in demand.

Why don't you just announce it?

Yeah, that's a pretty nice-looking lady.

We got another customer. Maybe more.

Really. How? Yeah, how?

Word of mouth. Hi, God bless you, girls.

Keep... she likes tall guys.

You know, I mean, you got to see her.

You're not going to believe it. You can't be blasé about this.

She is... well-constructed, anatomically.

I mean, I'm talking about, like, a miracle of physics.

I don't know what keeps her up.

Is this Dr. Parker's friend?

Dr. Parker's wealthy friend.

Shh!

Dr. Parker's rich friend. Do me a favor.

Think of it as a performance.

Uh-huh. You know?

Because that's what they want. They want you to play act anyhow.

And the billing?

Above the titling.

I'm going to give you a prepared envelope, and we'll put something in it.

And then if they give you a gratuity or something, I'll give you a second envelope for that.

I know what you're thinking, but it seems right to charge.

It doesn't always feel right.

Yeah, only because you never did it before.

It's like anything else. A butcher, first day on the job, he's got to cut up a cow. There's blood, there's bones.

You know, so it's got to be awful.

But he becomes eventually a butcher.

These are vulnerable people.

Well, what, do you feel guilty?

A bit.

Well, that's okay. I don't have a problem with the money.

It's just... Yeah, I know. I know.

It's the morality. I understand.

Because it's a commercial venture. But... But don't think of it that way.

Think of it that you're boosting the ego.

You're helping their self-esteem.

Yeah, maybe that dilutes it.

Yes, that's what I'm saying.

It dilutes it, because... take a bartender. I hate bartenders.

Do you know why? Because they thrive on other people's misery.

But... but I can't cast aspersions.

You got to make a living in this life.

Come on, let's have a drink. You look depressed.

Okay. Okay. Here, this is Grey Goose.

It does not leave a trace on your breath.

L'chaim. Okay.

I love it. I love it. Smooth.

Smooth. Mm-hmm. So.

Can I tell you what I've been thinking?

Mm-hmm. I'm thinking that you need a name.

Yeah, like what kind of name?

You need a name because you're a brand.

You're a product now. You know. A stud's name.

Like Spanish Jack or Johnny Barracuda or something.

Big dick. You know, something filthy.

Call me Virgil. Virgil Howard.

You know something? Virgil was a guide.

And that's... that's exactly what you do.

Virgil Howard.

We should put that on a marquee.

What about your name? Why do I need a name?

Hey. If you're a pimp, you got to have a name.

I don't think of myself as a pimp.

That's what you are.

Technically I'm a pimp. Because...

I always leave that part out.

What about "Bookmaster Mo?"

You like that? "Iceberg." iceberg's good. I like Iceberg.

What about "Dan Bongo?"

I like that. I'll be "Dan Bongo."

It's nice to meet you, Dan.

Hey, Virgil and Dan.

Be the best you can.

I'll drink to that.

Is it you?

Virgil. Virgil?

Virgil Howard.

I thought it was Fioravante.

Once. Oh, I see.

A new day, a new name.

All of us have so many people inside of us bursting to get out.

Buenas noches.

Hola.

You look good.

You look like a man.

Not too pretty.

Gracias.

Do you have any idea what goes on inside a woman's head?

If I did, I wouldn't be here.

Funny.

You're funny. I like that.

A woman is meant to be looked at.

Or else she'll just fade away.

Let's see what you can do.


I just loved when the shorts were short.

Dr. J, he had it all.

The 'fro, the butt, the hands.

How tall are you, Virgil?

Me? I'm 6'1".

No, no, no, let's do this again.

How tall are you, Virgil?

6'6".

You like basketball?

When the ball is shared, yeah.

You're my kind of man.

You play?

A little.

What position?

Forward.

Power forward? Mm-hmm.

You need to be in shape, aerobicamente.

I don't get tired easily.

Oh, I don't get tired easily, either.

Excuse me.

Hello? Hey, babe, it's me.

Si. Is he there?

Yes. Now what?

Yeah, he's here. We're in the middle of the...

I got to talk to you.

Oh.

What, you're having second thoughts?

I'm having difficulty sharing.

I mean, you gave me his number.

What do you want me to say?

Oh, okay. Yes.

Not without you.

I promise, I promise.

Okay, babe. I love you.

I love you, too.

Oh, fuck.

You know, I like it rough.

I like a man to be a man.

Got it?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes I even like to be the man.

To strap on my gun.

Hmm?

Embrace the mystery.

I'll try.

We're all just human.

We're all flesh and blood.

You know, I'm reminded of the story of Simon Ben Lakish, the great Jewish gladiator, who came upon Rabbi Yochman bathing in the Jordan and became so excited he ran, he pounced on him.

I mean, he was all over him, like a Greek.

Yes, but the rabbi offered him his sister instead, who was more beautiful than Yochman himself.

Yes, but my point is that everybody needs contact.

They need love. They need affection.

They need physical... Prayer.

Prayer. Sure. Prayer, prayer, prayer.

Passion. Passion.

We need passione.

You know, if the blinds are drawn, you know, you got to pull the shade up.

Are you talking about a psychiatrist?

Psychiatrist, psychologist.

Uh, podiatrist. You know.

A massage therapist. Some people do yoga.

Do you know such a person?

I do, as a matter of fact.

A healer.

Is he Jewish?

Jewish? Yeah, yeah, he's Sephardic.

The... his family was expelled from Spain.

It was a terrible story, the Inquisition.

A terrible thing. On the run, always.

Fleeing, like Robin Hood.

Robin hood? Who is he?

Robin Hood. You don't know Robin Hood?

Robin hood, an Anglo-Saxon in the woods, with the sword, and the bow and arrow.

Is he expensive?

It's what you call the sliding scale.

See you later.

Okay. See you later, okay?

We're going to be back in just a little bit, okay?

♪ Make me sway ♪

♪ Like a lazy ocean hugs the shore ♪

♪ Hold me close ♪

♪ Sway me more ♪ No, you have to sit in the front.

Oh.

♪ Stand with me, sway with ease ♪

♪ When we dance you have a way with me ♪

♪ Stay with me, sway with me ♪

♪ Other dancers may be on the floor ♪

♪ Given my eyes will see only you ♪

♪ Only you have the magic technique ♪

♪ When we sway I go weak ♪

♪ I can hear the sound of violins ♪

♪ Long before it begins ♪

♪ Make me thrill as only you know how ♪

♪ Sway me smooth ♪

♪ Sway me now ♪


You get out of Brooklyn much?

I go to Queens sometimes to visit my husband's grave.

♪ Other dancers may be on the floor ♪

♪ Dear, but my eyes will see only you ♪

♪ Only you have the magic technique ♪

♪ When we sway, I go weak ♪

♪ I can hear the sound of violins ♪

♪ Long before it begins ♪

♪ Make me thrill as only you know how ♪

♪ Sway me smooth ♪ Is this his private office?

Oh yes, don't worry. This is completely private.

Hello.

This is Avigal. Avigal, this is Virgil.

That's Avigal. Virgil, Avigal.

How do you do? I don't shake hands.

Oh, right, I forgot.

I'm sorry. It's not allowed.

Um, well, so, you know...

Yeah. Come in. Come in. Why don't you...

Are you Jewish?

Uh, Sephardic.

Donde hay amor, hay dolor.

Is that Ladino?

Yes.

What does that mean?

Where there is love, there is pain.

True.

I should... I should go.

Yeah, that seems like a good idea.

How... you'll be how long, you think?

I don't know. Hour, hour and a half.

All right, so what I'll do is...

I'll... maybe I'll walk around.

Or maybe I'll get a cup of coffee downstairs.

And, you know, so I'm just going to go.

Okay. All right.

I'll just leave you two.

It's dark in here.

Would you like a glass of water?

No thanks.

Is that part of the therapy?

When you're ready.

So you're a... a widow, huh?

Yes.

How long were you married?

18 years.

Children?

Six.

Yeah, six.

I would've had more, but it took me a while to get pregnant.

Really.

Well.

Why don't you... make yourself comfortable?

Take your time, and...

I'll wait in the loo.

Get undressed, and you tell me when you're ready.


Are you all right?

Mm-hmm.

May I take the sheet off?

Mm-hmm.


You know that guy?

What guy?

The little guy with the glasses.

He's been there over an hour.

Maybe he's trying to get a tan.

And who are you?

Shomrim. What is that?

Neighborhood patrol.

Sometimes we go beyond.

Here.

Drink some water.

Thank you.

Okay? You all right?

Yes.

It's just...

No one... no one has...

for so long.

No one has...

Since... Since your husband.

No, not him.

Touched me.

No one has touched me.


No, no. You get up front.

Thank you.

Fior, how're you doing?

All right.

What'll it be?

The usual.

Heavy on the potatoes.

Two eggs, scrambled soft.

Whole wheat toast, egg cream.

Vanilla!

So...

Denny tells me you're a good plumber.

Yeah, I do a little.

That's good. I got a job.

I could maybe use someone who could do a little... plumbing.

You got a card?

No.

Write.

Thanks. I'll be in touch.


Hey, there.

Hey.

The world's a mysterious place.

Mm-hmm.

You didn't see us over there?

I was listening to the music.

Mm-hmm.

I'm with my husband.

Claude?

You remembered.

Tell him I said hi.

Oh, he's the jealous type.

It's my birthday.

Happy birthday.


The number you have reached is not in service.

Please check the number and dial again.

Thank you.


Avigal. Dovi.

You look very nice.

Thank you.

Where are you going? To the city.

Ah. The city? What for?

Doctor's appointment.

You need a lift? I...

I can give you a lift in the patrol.

No thank you. I'll take the train.

It's okay. I'll read my book.

You know, every time I speak with you, it feels like you're always in a rush.

Maybe it's a coincidence.

Could be.

Makes me think you don't like me.

No, it's not that, it's just...

A widow needs time.

Time for what?

Time.

I'm sorry, it's just... it's been two years.

I grew up right there, Avigal.

Every day, I saw you.

We never talked, but I saw you.

I know I'm not from a Rebbish home, Avigal, but I'm... I'm a good person.

Not right now.

If not now, when?

I have to go, Dovi. Sorry, I can't be late.

See, you're always in a rush.

Make sure you're home before dark.

Why? It's not Shabbos.


Did you attend yeshiva?

Me?

No. No.

How long do you have?

An hour.

An hour and a half.

You know, I didn't expect to see you again so soon.

I had a doctor's appointment.

Oh.

You like to read?

Mm-hmm.

Have you read that one?

I'm not supposed to.

But you did, right?

I had to get rid of all my books when I got married.

Well, men have never wanted women to read.

Who's this? Your mother?

Mm-hmm.

She's pretty.

What was she like?

Like?

She was just a woman who never got the breaks.

Here we go.

Here, let me. I was going to...

Debone it? I don't mind.

It's kosher.

I'll get the...

You show me how you do it.

Hold down the fish with your fork.

Take your spoon, no rough edges.

Tease the spoon under the flesh, gently.

Lifting the flesh away from the skeleton until you have a whole filet.

Then flip it over.

Then grab the tail that is still attached to the skeleton.

And like a zipper, pull it off.

What about the head?

It's kosher.

It reminds you to look forward.

A real fish-eater eats the cheeks.

They're the delicacy.

Hmm?

For me?

Il boccone del re.

That's "the king's bite."

I knew you weren't a Virgil.

Fioravante. What does that mean?

Flower.

What kind of flower?

Rudbeckia maxima.

That's a cabbage leaf coneflower.

A big six-foot plant with big blue-green leaves and bright yellow flowers.

And a big schnoz?

It's just a showpiece.

It doesn't really work.

When I was in... sixth grade, I used to sit next to this girl.

She was Jewish.

Good.

She had beautiful thick brown hair.

And I would only look at her straight on because I had seen my nose in a three-way mirror.

You're a good cook.

Thank you.

For a man.

Hmm.

Do you have any family?

Not anymore.

And you're not lonely?

You get used to it.

So this is what you do?

I guess so.

You bring magic to the lonely.

That's one way to put it.

And you get paid for it.

Sometimes.

I don't have much time left.

Festina lente.

Hurry slowly, Avigal.

I like when you say my name.

Rudbeckia maxima.

You're going down, Papa Mo.

I'm killing you. We should be playing for money.

You're not going to get me out, old man.

Okay, you only missed it by a foot.

Turn around. More, more, more.

Okay, ready?

Strike two.

You like baseball? Yeah.

The Spanish guys teach me.

Not like I'm so great or anything, but you know, I could play a little.

Last game, we lost 20 to 3.

Would've been worse, but they got this mercy rule thing.

What do you think? Money laundering?

Organ traffic?

What?

Avigal?

That she should be involved in such a thing.

Organ traffic, where do you get that stuff?

I read it... Stop talking.

Okay, you guys.

This is going to be my spitter.

Yeah! Way to go, Cefus!

Aah!

Shh. Listen to me.

Haitian Day parade... five bottle rockets I took right to the chest.

Did I cry? Did I make a sound?

Not a peep. I took it. Like a Sabra, I took it.

Don't forget your envelope.

You know, it's like candy, Having sex with you.

You have one piece, and you always want another.

Do you have a girlfriend?

I bet you don't say much.

Get them into bed. Make them happy.

And then what?

The Portuguese have a word for it.

"Saudade."

Yeah. A longing for something that doesn't exist.

I'm ready.

Let's do the ménage.

Call Bongo.

Bongo? Oh yeah.

Murray.

Dan Bongo.

Have a piece of dark chocolate.

It's good for you.

You know, you're top shelf.

Hard to reach.

That's what makes you so good.

Hi. Hello.

Gather round. These are your kids?

We're going to divide up into two teams and play baseball, okay?

What do you think?

We don't play baseball.

We're very serious people. We have to study.

Dovi plays. Go, Twisters.

It's a waste of time.

Sometimes wasting time is healthy for the body. It's good.

I don't understand the concept of competition.

He doesn't understand the concept.

You're overanalyzing.

Blacks against whites. No, no.

That's not going to happen.

Not a good idea. That's amazing.

This is why fascism gets a toehold all the time.

You be on his side. I want to break this up.

I want to get a little Rainbow Coalition here, guys, okay?

Which one of these chosen people do you want to play with?


I couldn't wait to see you again.

Ever see what's his name play? Kevin Youkilis?

The Red Sox? You know, he's got a...

You know, kind of a shifty thing here.

Here.

For me?

Yeah.

Lower your head. Bend over.

Put your... put your head up.

Down there. Ease up. That's right. That's right.

Okay, now, I'll throw a couple to you.

Bend over. You look like a question mark.

All right.

Ready? Aim low!

De la rosa sale el espino.

Del espino sale la rosa.

From the rose comes the thorn, from the thorn comes the rose.

You're beautiful.

You're really beautiful.

Avigal... Shh.

You see me.

I don't have to be someone else.

That's enough.

Kiss me.

Let me look at you first.

The mishna warns a married woman never to appear outside her home with her hair visible.

Your husband, Avigal, is gone.


Well, is he coming or not?

I'm so excited.

Absolutely.

Yeah, we're completely ready.

And the menage is on.

Hey, I only wish I was there.

Oh, Mr. Bongo.

You're nasty.

I'm... I am, but you're the one who suggested it.

Tell me. Have you ever... done it before? You know... ménage a trois?

Yeah, in 1977, during a blackout.

We... nobody could see anything.

But it was still very pleasant.

You're naughty.

Hey, you do remember that a threesome is 2,000 bucks.


What is this?

I think you've got the wrong guy.

I've already been circumcised.

Come on, come on, come on.

Enough talk. In, in, in.

Get in. In. Good.

What'd I do? Break the dietary laws?

He's loose! He's moving!

He's on the loose! He's on the run!

Get him, get him!

A number of rabbis have questions for you.

Serious questions.

We have your consent, right?

I don't know what's going on.

I want to speak to my lawyer, Sol Hirsch.

If it was up to me, I'd tie you to a stone and leave you on the side of the road.

David had five smooth stones.

I got this.

Hey, look, that's not funny.

I... I have no idea what crime I've committed.

Crime?

There's a certain woman in our community, a widow, a very special woman.

I've never seen her smile, not like this.

But what you're doing... it's not right.

I'm coming! Come on, hurry up!

Youkilis!

Watch this!

Whoo!

Tell Murray to be careful.

Dovi is looking for him.

Dovi? Who's that?

He's the man in charge of the neighborhood patrol.

We grew up together.

Does he like you?

I don't know.

Yes, very much.

Why? Are you jealous?

A little.

Good.

I'm sorry I put you in this position.

Don't be.

Will you be okay?

I wish to know you more.

But I'm happy you're a little bit in my life.

Me too.

Here comes high...

Hello? Hey.

Hey, Fior. Is Murray home yet?

I can't get through to him.

He just ran out to get me some milk. He should be back in a minute.

Everything all right? Mm-hmm.

You should see this couch he bought me.

Things are really looking up.

Yeah. They really are.

Everything okay? Yeah.

Let me know when he calls.

Okay. Bye-bye.

Mom.

My butt hurts.

Mm-hmm, that's what I told you about not eating your vegetables.

No vegetables, no poop.

I know, Mom. Sometimes I'm stubborn.

I know.

Yeah, what's up, Fior?

You haven't heard from Murray, have you?

No, why, is he in trouble?

Shit, overheated.

Does he need representation?

Can you deal with this? I'll try, man.

Yeah, well, he's disappeared.

I think it's, like, an orthodox thing or something.

Satmar or Lubovitch? Satmar.

Ay, those people are serious.

You know, they wear those big furry hats.

I'll make a couple of phone calls.

Well, what should I do?

You fill me in and then wait by the phone.

I know you want to help, but if this is sit-down.

I'm sorry, you're not invited.

Who's this? Othella. Who are you?

Who am I? Nobody.

I'm trying to reach Mo. Is this 917 292-1413?

Is Mo there? She's looking to talk with you.

What's going on? I don't want to know what's going on.

But don't hurt him.

Okay? You touch him, you touch one hair on his body, you're going to have to answer to me.

I will pull a Michael Corleone on you.

Michael Corleone? Who's that?

Is that a threat? Yeah, it's a threat!

The Godfather.

Never heard of him.

Everything all right, Mom? Everything is fine.

She doesn't sound Jewish.

Othella? Murray?

Yes. What's going on?

No, no, no. It was...

It was an old friend that I ran into from yeshiva.

An old yeshiva friend... Mm-hmm. I don't believe you.

Why would I be lying?

She thinks I'm lying. You are lying.

Are you on your way home? No no no.

Something's come up, and I'm going to be home later.

When?

When am I coming home?

If you're coming home.

Come on, come on.

Get him out, get him out.

Why are you taking me here?

Wh... what holiday is this?

Sol. Am I glad to see you.

How did you hear? Well, I got a call.

Fior filled me in.

You put him on the game and you don't tell me?

You don't what I went through to get here today.

My car died. So I hopped on the Brighton Beach express.

Transferred to the 48.

Under Jewish law, you're entitled to counsel.

Pro bono, of course.

Yeah, you'll pay me by the hour.

Is anybody here?

Take off your clothes.

And your socks.

Black socks are disgusting.

Come. She's so soft, like a stuffed animal.

Come, touch her. Touch her.

We are gathered here with our brethren and one who has wandered far from his tribe to commence this Din Torah.

You the accused, state your name.

My name?

Murray.

Murray what?

Schwartz.

Can I put my laundry down?

Gesundheit.

Murray Schwartz, are you proud to be a Jew?

I'm proud, and I'm also scared.

Do you celebrate the Holy Shabbos?

I... I would love to, but, you know, a guy's gotta make a living.

When King Solomon ruled the world, if you broke the law, committed adultery, murder, incest, Transvestism... Idolatry...

Bestiality... Pimpdom...

You were finished!

Ver gerharget!

Stoned by the mob.

It's really rarely, rarely enforced.

Maybe once every 70 years.

I mean, otherwise we're accused of barbarism.

Aah!

You're completely blonde down there.

Yeah, that's why I make Anthony do the highlights, So that it matches. I can't believe we're doing this.

This was your idea. You called Bongo.

I did. Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, I just...

What's the matter, baby?

I can't.

Preoccupied?

These things happen. I'm psychic.

Maybe it's the money.

Mm-hmm. Maybe the money's blocking him.

Listen, we can do it for free if that's going to make you feel better.

Mm-hmm. No, it's not.

You don't like us anymore? No.

He's in love.

You think, like real love?

Yeah.

Look at him.

That's beautiful.

I'm so happy for you.

Yeah.

Has this man ever studied his oral law?

I have, and I find it a dialectical taffy-pull.

I mean, I have been taught since I was a kid that sex is filthy and forbidden, and I think that's the way it should be.

And in my opinion, the filthier and the more forbidden it is, the more exciting it is.

I don't think this is the group to push that point.

I'm not a scholar... Enough already!

Was there fornication?

The question is, was there fornication?

Was there fornication?

There was no fornication!

May I speak on my own behalf?

Please, proceed.

There was a breach of modesty.

I was alone with a man.

He saw my head uncovered.

You took off your sheytil?

Yes.

And your body.

Did he see it uncovered?

He placed his hands on my back.

It was bare?

Yes.

You did that knowing full well that what you were doing was a violation?

I did.

And you allowed yourself to be touched?

Yes.

And what, may I ask, happened next?

I cried.

From shame?

No.

From loneliness.


I got jealous.

It's hard for a man to understand a woman, you know?

What goes on, you know, the... the feelings.

I know, I know, I'm boring.

But if a man can't get a woman out of his guts... if he can't get her out of his heart, it means something.

Right?

I'm in love with you, okay?

All right?

I know, I know, maybe you don't love me, but...

Just be quiet.

I never said I didn't love you.

Really?

Oof.

Who is it?

I've come to say goodbye.

You didn't have to do that.

I wanted to.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Something.

Donde hay amor, hay dolor.

It's true.

Goodbye, Fioravante.

Goodbye, Avigal.

Take care of her.

Don't worry, I will.

You're not really Jewish, are you?

I'm not sure.

Huh.

Then we add the chocolate syrup.

Thank you. Enjoy. You're welcome.

So, you're leaving, right?

Yep.

I'm gonna miss you.

Me too.

I mean, I don't know what to say.

There's nothing to say. You just water it.

I'm done. The show's closed.

So first the bookstore, then Virgil and Bongo... although that was probably, in retrospect, a crazy idea.

Who knows?

You're definitely going, right?

That's right.

So that's funny, because when you're friendly with somebody for a long time, what happens is, you develop a, you know, like, a shorthand or something, a close communication.

You... You understand one another in a...

You go and look up the little Tunisian girlfriend?

I don't know. I mean, I...

It's funny, I can only speak to her in present tense.

Well, maybe if you spoke to her properly, you'd find that you didn't like her.

That's a possibility.

You know, I have a theory that sometimes when you don't understand what the other person is saying, very often that's a tremendous advantage.

Yeah.

"Cherries in the Snow."

Ca vous plait. Oui.

Merci. D'accord.

Ah, tu parles Francais?

Mmm, petit peu.

A gentleman. That's very nice.

Are you from around here?

Yeah. Why do you ask?

Just being neighborly, and I'm thinking, if you ever need a plumber, this is the guy. He's great. A fantastic plumber.

Oh yeah? Well, that's good to know

'cause they're hard to come by.

Absolutely. Mm-hmm.

What's your name?

Fioravante.

That's lovely. Is that yours?

He... he got that for me. He gave me that.

Mmm.

You don't look like a plumber, really.

That's because he also does electrical.

Oh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm.

And you come together, in a package?

You know, he's shy. So I handle the dialogue...

He's shy? He doesn't look shy.

I'm not shy. No, actually you're right.

The truth of the matter is that he's not shy.

I'm the shy one of the two.

You are flirting with me.

No. Yes.

I am. I am. You can tell, right?

Oh yeah. I can tell.

Um, hey, sweetheart, can I... can I give you our card just in case you need any plumbing work or any electrical wiring.

"Virgil and Bongo."

Yeah, ask in the neighborhood about us.

You know, we don't bite. No problem.

Okay. I will.

Au-re-wah-wah.

Au revoir.

Yes, definitely.

Wow.

This definitely could be the beginning of a very beautiful relationship... between the three of us.

But... you know...