Family Guy S11E11 Script

The Giggity Wife (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Everyone has fingernails

♪ And everyone wants cash

♪ So send us all your fingernails ♪

♪ And we'll send you some cash ♪

♪ Fingernails for cash dot com ♪

♪ Fingernails for cash

♪ Remember it's just fingernails ♪

♪ So don't expect much cash

♪ Fingernails for cash dot com

♪ Our service never fails

♪ Just take the cash

♪ And don't ask why

♪ We want your fingernails

♪ 'Cause we might be building a fort with them. ♪

Here you go, fellas.

Thanks, Horace.

Oh, here, let me get this one, Peter.

Geez, what the hell kind of stupid wallet is that, Joe?

(sighs) Bonnie's making wallets now.

Look, she's gonna ask you guys to buy one.

I'll just give you the money.

Just don't throw it out within five miles of where we live.

Hey, why do you have a Harvard dining hall I.D.?

I pulled over some punk Harvard kid who gave me a bunch of lip, so I took his I.D.

Man, I bet they got fancy food up there at Harvard.

Like them turkeys with paper shoes.

Or pigs with apples in their mouths.

Or them lambs what ain't never seen the light before.

Oh, yeah, I love eating food that's sad.

Hey, you know, we should drive up there and use that card to eat for free.

That's a great idea!

Let's go to Harvard!

Oh, I don't know, you guys.

We'll be as out of place there as a black guy in Sweden.


Blackin sippin.

Ya, blackin sippin.

Wow, so this is it.

Harvard University.

The alma mater of Fred Grandy, Amy Brenneman and Ted Kaczynski.

Are we sure this is the way to the dining hall?

Oh, I'm sorry, are your feet getting tired?

God, I'd love to be able to wheel around in a toy all day.

Ah, this is it, you guys.

The Harvard Dining Hall.

Holy crap!

This place is amazing!

And just think, this is where Helen Keller used to eat when she went here.

Tonight, I want to go out and just get wasted.

And not one of these campus bars.

I want to get wrecked by a townie.

Helen, you're outrageous.

I can't believe you're getting away with this.

I've been getting away with this since I was seven.

Believe me, I know what I'm doing.

Good morning, girls.



No freaking way.

They have breakfast for dinner.

Lois never lets me do that!

(line ringing)

Lois, do you have any idea what I'm looking at right now?

LOIS: Peter, we're not doing this again.

I am at Harvard, the smartest school in the country, and they have...

Peter, breakfast for dinner is anarchy.

It's fun, Lois! It's whimsical!

It's ridiculous!

Pancakes are not a nighttime food.

You're ridiculous!

Boy, breakfast for dinner is a real hot-button issue for you guys, huh?

She's also mad 'cause I shook Stewie and now he's walking weird.

Hey, was Beowulf a Teen Wolf sequel with Scott Baio? No.

(sighs) Then I just totally failed that Medieval Lit midterm.

So this is a Harvard bar, huh?

Seems pretty normal.

Hey, check it out, there's the Winklevoss twins.

Let's get a drink. Get a drink.

Let's get a drink. I thought of it first.

Hey, you guys noticed how many Asians there are at this school?

I mean, how'd they all get so smart?

I don't know. Guess that's just the way God made 'em.

Gentlemen, I give you... the Asian.


Compact, hairless and fiercely intelligent.

The penises, while tiny, are extremely efficient.

We're projecting ten billion within five years.

Also, there'll be different varieties that will all hate each other for some reason.

Do they eat just, like, regular food?

(chuckling): No, no, no, the opposite.

All right, this is more like it.

Way better than that lame-ass college joint.

Yeah, finally a terrible Boston bar with a giant low-def TV.

Let's go, Celtics!

I think that's The Dr. Oz Show.

What are you talking about?

This is the last scene of Independence Day.

Hey, look, even the bartender's low-def.

Hey, what can I get you fellas?

Hey, what do you say we get some shots?

Yeah! Let's get wasted!

Yeah! Let's get wicked bombed!

Sorry, pal, we already have an intense wheelchair guy.

Well, now, hold on, hold on.

What's your name, friend? Peter.

Yeah, we already got a wheelchair guy.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

Hey, sometimes when daddies drive home drunk, they come from far away places, but it's okay because they didn't get arrested and they're still kind of drunk so they-they think it's okay.

You should know that Mom has emotionally let you go.

It won't be long before she takes a lover.

Ah, my head!

She already has two cell phones.

Aw, man, what happened last night?

WOMAN (gruff voice): I can tell you what happened.

What the...? Who the hell are you?

Who the hell do you think I am, sweetie?

Oh, no. You mean...?

That's right, baby.

As of last night, we're man and wife.

By the way, I need you to call my pimp and tell him I quit.

Oh, my God, I...

I married a hooker?


All right, bachelor party!

Come on! Back to Boston!

Aw, aw, damn it.

I guess we're not going.

Hey, Stewie, here's five bucks.

Get naked.

This... this can't be possible!

I can't be married to a prostitute!

Where will you two be going on your scummymoon?

And can I plan your bridal golden shower?

I don't even know your name!

It's Charmese. Perfect.

Listen, Charmese, I was obviously very, very drunk.

This whole thing is a huge mistake.

Now, we got to fix this right away.

Like hell we do, sweet cream.

This is just what I've always wanted: to settle down, find a husband and live the married life.

And now I got that.

Your new wife is a human toilet.

Look, I don't remember anything about last night.

How do I... how do I even know we're really married?

I got our marriage certificate right here.

It's legit.

And it looks like I signed one of the witness lines and Peter partially signed the other.


Joe, look.

You know, after 40 years in my line of work, I've learned the difference between true love and doing the entire bowling team of a pizza restaurant on a box spring by a brook.

This is true love.

Hey, what's our last name again?

You know, Quagmire, I was thinking last night, I might remember Charmese from a stag party in 1991.

Ask her if she remembers getting hit in the forehead with a meatball sandwich.

You guys, I can't stay married to her.

This whole thing is a complete disaster!

In fact, you know what?

I got to go down to the courthouse right now and file for divorce.

This thing ends now.

Hang on, Quagmire.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

Quahog has some extremely draconian laws governing divorce that all heavily favor the woman.

What? What do you mean?

Well, to be honest, if you divorce her, she'll probably get everything you have.

What? No, that's impossible!

I can't lose all my money and my house!

Then I'll have to move into some depressing divorced guy apartment!

As you can see, we have plenty of cabinet space for your plate.

The oven, of course, is just decorative.

Seems okay.

Do you have any other units available?

This is our only one.

MAN (screaming): I hope you're happy, Marsha!

(thud) We might have something upstairs.

Sorry, Quagmire, but the only way around the law is if the woman consents to a divorce.


But Charmese will never agree to that.

You heard her, the crazy skank wants to be a wife.

She's found herself a husband and she's not letting go.

I bet she's what happens if you put a Hooters girl in the microwave on "high."

Well, the only other choice is to let her take all your money.

(sighs) Well, I obviously can't do that.

I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up...

Let her suck it up-- she's the expert. Sorry, keep going.

...and at least try to make things work with Charmese.

And who knows?

Maybe it... maybe it won't be that bad.

After all, I liked her enough to marry her last night.

I must've seen something in her.

There you go, that's the spirit, buddy.

There's a little bit of good in everyone.

Except that president guy from The Hunger Games.

He was pretty bad.

This year, in addition to the Hunger Games, we're going to do the Special Hunger Games.

I'm Andy!

I love you, Andy!

Come on, guys, fight.

So, Doc, I figured if Charmese and I are gonna live as man and wife, I ought to get her checked out.

Of course. Charmese, when's the last time you had a pelvic exam?

When was the Missouri Compromise?

Uh, I think 1821.

Then I've never had a pelvic exam.

All right, I'm going in.

If I tug on the rope twice, that means pull me out.

(squishy footsteps)

HARTMAN: God, who are the pigs who just throw their empty beer cans down here?

Hey, Charmese.

You know, I really love your clothes...

I found a lot of them on strung-out teenage corpses.

That's so lovely.

But I was thinking, maybe this afternoon you'd like to borrow my credit card and buy yourself a new wardrobe.

You know, something a little more conservative.


That's so sweet, Glenn.

No one's ever cared about me like that before.

Thank you.

♪ Uptown girl

♪ She's been living in her uptown world ♪

♪ I bet she never had a backstreet guy ♪

♪ I bet her mama never told her why ♪

♪ I'm gonna try for an uptown girl ♪

♪ She's been living in her white bread world ♪

♪ As long as anyone with hot blood can... ♪ I would like to pawn all these clothes for crack money.

Gosh, thanks so much for having us over, you guys.

Of course, Glenn.

Welcome to our home, Charmese.

Sit anywhere you like.

That chair with the garbage bag taped over it looks pretty good.

Meg, you look pretty next to her.

So, Charmese, I was thinking of writing an article about you for my school paper.

Do you charge black guys more or less?

Hmm, that's a hard question to answer.

Most of them get a group rate.

Come on, now, let's not talk about work.

It's a dinner party.

Are you and Glenn thinking about children?

Unfortunately, I can't have children.

Oh, menopause?

No, I got knifed in the vagina one Christmas.

Ah, the holidays are always stressful.

I have $3.74.

Do something to me.

(hawks, spits)

I love you.

I want to take you away from all this.

They're supposedly putting an ice cream place where the shoe store was.

Excuse me, Lois, where's your bathroom?

I got to check on a whistling sound.

Upstairs, to the left.

Um, I'm obsessed with Charmese.


Let's do it.

What? You mean, like sex?

Yeah, and we should go now.

I just stuffed everything back into place.

Uh, you know, Charmese, I don't really think I'm in the mood.

What? You're never in the mood.

We've been married two weeks, and we haven't done it since that first night.

I haven't gone two weeks without sex since I was in a coma for six weeks.

Yeah, sorry, Charmese, I'm-I'm just not feeling it.

Geez, what the hell's your problem?

What are... what are you, gay or something?

Excuse me? You heard me.

Are you some kind of 'mo?

Oh, God, please tell me I'm not married to some Nancy boy.

Why? Would that be a problem?

Are you kidding? Course it would.

My dream is to live the married life and settle down.

I can't be doing that with no gay.

I see.

Well, Charmese, I have something to tell you, and this isn't easy.

But I'm gay.

What? No.

You can't be.

I was gonna be your perfect little wife.

I was gonna make you breakfast maybe once a week, and give you stuff to do right when you walk through the door after work.

And I would've loved that, Charmese, if I just weren't so super duper double gay.

(sobbing): Oh, this is awful.

Aw, don't cry, Charmese.

You'll find the right guy.

There's someone for everyone.

Even if you're a narcissistic pedophile.

Hey, Ma, we got any pictures of me when I was a kid?

Maybe something in a tub?

I'm really sorry it didn't work out, Glenn.

Me, too, Charmese.

I'll send the divorce papers to that Rite Aid where you brush your teeth.

Hey, buddy, what happened? She gone?

Yep, I'm off the hook, Peter.

I told Charmese I was gay, and now she's gonna consent to a no-fault divorce.

That's brilliant, Quagmire.

It's the exact opposite of what Hugh Jackman does.

Pretend you're gay to get out of marriage.

(sighs) Thank God.

I really dodged a bullet there.

I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

Eh, everybody makes mistakes.

Even doctors.

(prolonged beep)

You forgot to say...

I forgot to say "clear."

(sighs) Finally, back to my old life.

Hello, Internet porn.

Man, I haven't done this in two weeks.

I should weigh myself before and after.

Sorry, I forgot my prescription mouthwash.

Aah! Oh, my God.

What are you watching?

That... that's straight porn.

Listen, Charmese, it's not what you think, all right?

I've been poisoned, and I'm trying to make myself throw up.

Gay men don't watch straight porn.

You lied to me, you son of a bitch.

No, no, I'm gay, I swear!

Here, watch me, uh, uh, go there.

Jen Aniston?

More like Jen Can't-get-a-man-iston!

See? I went there.

Damn it, Glenn, if you're not gay, then the divorce is off.

No, no, I am. I swear to God.

All right, fine.

If you're really gay and you want that divorce, all you got to do is one thing.

Anything, Charmese. Name it.

Prove it.

Let me watch you have sex with a man.


You heard me.

I want to see you get it on with a guy.


All right, Charmese, I'll do it.

If that's what it takes, I'll have sex with another man.

(bell rings)

Look, Daddy.

Teacher says every time a bell rings, some gay guy's gonna have sex with another gay guy.

We're gonna pull you out of that school.

TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up.

And the Yew Nork Nankees bave heaten the Oltimore Borioles nive to foo here at Yamden Cards.

The Borioles now lace a fong toad rip where they'll face the Sed Rox, the Revil Days and the Jue Blays.


Hey, Peter, you got a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure. Come on in, Quagmire.

Listen, um, I need to ask you to do something, and it's something huge.

I mean, it's, like, the biggest thing a guy could ever ask his friend to do.

Hey, we're best pals, right? Whatever you need.

All right, and you have to understand, I would never ask you to do this if I had any other choice and if what were at stake was anything less than my entire way of life.

Geez, Quagmire, what is it?

Charmese won't give me a divorce because she doesn't believe I'm gay, so I need you to have sex with me while she watches.

I have some demands.

Of course, of course.

Nobody can ever know.

Absolutely. I'm right there with you on that one.

There will be no kissing on the mouth.

Okay. I changed my mind.

There will be kissing on the mouth.

Uh, all right.

Good. Now, what else?

What else? Uh, yes.

If, per chance, it is beautiful, I reserve the right to cry.

Peter, I can't imagine any scenario where this is gonna be beautiful.

Oh, I can.

I'm a very passionate man.

Haven't you ever seen my Spanish soap operas?

Mi amor!




Peter, can we just get out of here?

I want to get this over with.

This was part of the deal, Quagmire.

I need this to be a lovely evening.


How was work today?

I don't want to talk about work.

Hey, should we go someplace else for dessert?

You know, someplace fun, downtown, where the college kids go?

What? I'm not taking you to two different restaurants.

Huh. Hard to believe your marriage isn't working out.

A rose for the gentleman?

What? No. Scram.

Hey, I'm not just a poorly cleaned butt.

There's a whole man around it you have to please.



Quagmire, what's going on with you?

You don't seem very present tonight.

Why are you so tense?

I'm tense because I have to bang you in 20 minutes!

Well, if it's so much of a chore.

What the (bleep) is going on with my life?

Okay, Charmese, here we go.

Are you sure you want to watch this?

I'm just warning you, you're in the splash zone.

Ugh, if I get anything out, I'll be happy.

Get on with it.

Uh, okay.

Here, let me stroke your hair.

Thank you.

I want to do gay things for you.

I... I crave your groin.

Yes, and I cannot wait to intertwine our bodies and make each other's fingers smell terrible.

Enough! Kiss each other.



Oh, yeah, that was so hot.

Just like we always do.

Now take off each other's clothes.

(sobbing): Oh, God, I'm so excited for gay sex.

(crying): Me, too.

Your body makes me so horny.

Shut up and do it.


It's very close, Peter.

The paintbrush is about to touch the canvas.

Come on, Peter.

Sir Ian McKellen does this.

You can do this.

Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go! Just do it!


(sighs) Stop.

Look, Glenn, you're obviously not gay.

Ye I am. Well, I'm something

'cause I've been at full-sail for the last half hour.

No, Glenn, you're not.

I see that now, and the truth is, if you're willing to go this far to get a divorce, then maybe we shouldn't be married after all.

What... what are you saying?

I'm saying, I'll give you your divorce.

You're off the hook.


Oh, thank you, Charmese.

Thank you so much.

I-I can't believe you'd do that for me.

Well, it's for me, too.

You were real nice to me, Glenn, nicer than any other guy's been, but I wanted to be somebody's wife, not somebody's burden.

Good luck to you, sweetie.

And good luck to you, Charmese.


You're very special to me.

I'm sorry my urine melted a hole through your toilet.


(sighs) Thank God that's over.

Yeah, no kidding.

Hey, you know, there's not too many guys in the world who would be willing to do something like that for their pal.

Ah, don't mention it.

No, no, you're an amazing friend, and I really owe you.

Thanks, Peter.

Ah, you're welcome, buddy.

Hey, Quagmire, why is the red light blinking on your computer?

STEWIE: What are we watching? Glee?