Family Guy S11E12 Script

Valentine's Day in Quahog (2013)

PETER: Valentine's Day: a day of love, right in the middle of Black History Month.

There are a thousand hearts in Quahog, a thousand stories.

Some people don't have any stories.

Others got two.

Anyway, here's a song your girlfriend probably likes.

♪ I got a feeling

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night ♪

♪ That tonight's gonna be a good night ♪ I'm afraid I have some terrible news:


I have dinner reservations and no one to go with.

♪ Tonight's the night

♪ Let's live it up

♪ I got my money Hi, I'll be your wife's nurse.

Would you excuse me a second?

Okay, I'm back.

♪ Here we come, here we go ♪

♪ We gotta rock

♪ I know that we'll have a ball ♪

♪ If we get down and go out

♪ And just lose it all

♪ I feel stressed out, I wanna let it go ♪

♪ Let's go way out, spaced out

♪ Losing all control

♪ Fill up my cup

♪ Mazel tov

♪ Look at her dancing

♪ Just take it

♪ Off.

Peter, are you ready for your Valentine's gift?

No, but I'm ready for therapy.

Peter, you awake?

It's a beautiful day.

Um, yeah, I'm just glad I didn't die from the weird sleep-breathing thing I have.


You know, Peter, since it's Valentine's Day I was thinking let's do something we've never done before.

Release the virus?

No, I was thinking we could spend the whole day in bed.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Permission to begin a day of epic lovemaking, sexy lady.

Permission granted, sir.

PETER: And if I need help, I'll just fantasize about that Victorian stripper.

Yeah, you slut.

Doth the magistrate know what you're doing tonight?


Now, undo the top six buttons of your 100-button shoes.

Wow, Meg, you look nice.

You got a date?

Yeah, I totally hit it off with this great guy in the Internet, and we're finally going to meet.

Okay, remember to ask questions about him.

Seem interested. Listen. Giggle.


(doorbell rings)

Oh, my God, that's him.



Hi. Wow, you look just like your picture.

You don't look anything like yours.

Yeah, that's a candid from a summer job I had.

Well, you're much prettier in person.

Shall we go?

Yeah, sure.

Don't wait up, boys.

I like him.

Really? He seems kind of lame.

But, I guess every girl has her own version of Prince Charming.

I'm in love with Paul.

I'm in love with John.

You know what?

I'm in love with Ringo.


Um, I said...

I don't-I don't know what I said.

Sounded like you said you were in love with Ringo.

Um, I don't... I don't think so.

Pretty sure you said "I'm in love with Ringo."

Here I am.

Are Paul and John out there?

Nope, just Ringo.

Oh, you're still here?

Yeah, after a wonderful night I-I thought we could get some breakfast.

(laughing): Clearly, you're not familiar with how this works.

See, you're supposed to be already gone.

There's no breakfast.

Here, let me help you to the door.

You're a jerk, Glenn Quagmire.

One of these days, you're going to get what you deserve.

You better put something warm on.

You got an icicle forming down there.

Dumb broad left her electric tampon warmer.


What the hell?

That's weird.

Why do I look like a chick in that mirror?


Ah, what's wrong with you, Holder-Downer 5000?

That's just for women.

Hold it together, Quagmire.

You probably just had one too many drinks last night.

(siren blaring)

Son of a bitch.

Ah, hey, Joe.

God, I thought I was in trouble for a minute.

Hey, toots, you know why I pulled you over?

You were going too sexy in a 35 zone.

I'll need to see your driver's license.


Joe, what the hell's wrong with you?

It's me, Quagmire.

JOE: Glenda Vajmire.

Well, how would you like to spend four hours desperately trying to give me a muscular soldier?

What the hell, you weirdo?


I'm just having fun.

In fact, as I say to all the ladies, giggity-giggity.

You don't say that. I say that.

You're a bad person.

Hey, Stewie, what are you doing?

Well, Brian, in honor of Valentine's Day I thought why not go back in time to that summer of love in the '60s that everyone's always talking about.

Oh, cool.

Hey, you think you might be able to get me some acid?

I'll get you rolled-up newspaper on the snout is what I'll get you.

Very. Bad. Dog.

Well, here we are, Rupert: Quahog's summer of love.

Ball, please.


Oh, this must be yours.


My God, she's incredible.

Rupert, I must bring her back to the present and raise her to be my wife.

Oh, God, I bet that diaper is soaking wet.

I can't let her get away.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hey, um, I just came to say, um... you know, in a couple of years something's going to come along called Sesame Street.

And I know the name makes it sounds Asian, but it's not, and it's going to blow your mind.

Oh, the hell with it.

The real reason I ran over here is because I wanted to do this.

There's my little Lois.



Come on, honey. Hop in Daddy's car.

You can crawl around on the floor while I drink, smoke, and drive us home.



Oh, my God, Stewie, what happened?

None of your (bleep) business what happened.

Geez, you kiss your mother with that mouth?

Do you like Coldplay?

Uh, am I a dull white guy?

Yes, I like Coldplay.

God, Toby, I can't believe how much we have in common.

It's like we were meant to find each other.

I know.

To us.

Meg, if you were any more beautiful, that'd be neat.

So, what should be do next...


Oh, my God!

Toby, what happened?

Oh, I just harvested your kidney.

(gasps) Look at the size of this scar.

Sorry. It's my first day on this job.

Well, where did you work before?

Circuit City.

So, I haven't worked in, like, two years.

Toby, I can't believe you took my kidney.

You bastard!

Sorry, Meg.

Black market organs are big money and I promised my bosses a fresh kidney.

No hard feelings.


You also made a promise to me.

You promised we'd spend Valentine's Day together.

The whole day.

And I'm not letting you break that promise.

Well, I guess a deal's a deal.


By the way, did you know you had a tiny conjoined twin attached to your hip?

Is it worth anything?

It is to me.

I've been using it as a bookmark.

Peter, what's all this?

Oh, Quagmire loaned me this book called the Kama Sutra.

It's Indian.

And who has better sex than people who don't use toilet paper?

I don't know, Peter. That doesn't sound very sexy.

What are you talking about?

Bombay is sperm city.

Slumdog Millionaire?

More like Scumdog Put-it-there.

Peter, these candles are getting wax all over the floor.

That's okay. Isn't Consuela coming today?

No, she spends Valentine's Day with her husband.

Wait, but she's sneaking out of the U.S.

This is Arizona.

You can shoot a Mexican for using a water fountain.

(dress rips)

Oh, I fix later.

(sirens blaring)

Happy Valentine's Day, Juan.

And to you, mi amor.

One minute, I freshen up first.


CONSUELA: Sí, sí, sí... oh, yeah.


Oh, hey, um, I think I might have the wrong address.

I'm looking for Mr. Herbert's house.

No, you're at the right house.

I'm his grandniece, Sandy.

Wow, my name is Chris, too.

Oh, hey, there, Chris, happy Valentine's Day.

Hope cupid brings you a saggy old bag of treats.

Hey, Mr. Herbert, I'm just here to collect for the newspaper.

Here you go.

Oh, hang now, Chris. Your fly's up again.

Thanks, Mr. Herbert.

He's so hot.

(sighing): I'd love to talk to him, but I just don't know what I would say.

Oh, I know all the things to say.

Maybe I can help you out.

You'd do that for me?


Right after my favorite show.

Coming up next:

To Catch a Predator Who's Proud of Being a Predator.

Good evening, sir.

I'm Chris Hansen with Dateline.

Do you know the boy you were coming here to meet tonight is only 13 years old?

No, I drove 900 (bleep) miles for a 14-year-old.

So what seems to be the trouble?

Dr. Hartman, something's wrong with me!

Everyone's treating me like I'm a broad!

I-I don't know what's going on!

I recognize that hysterical tone of voice.

Sounds like someone's having their monthly.

All right, sweetie, let me just spit on my hand, and we'll get started.

Ah! Get away from me, you creep!

(gasps) My God!

There was nothing wrong with my mirror!

Everyone sees me as a woman! Oh, no!

This is the universe giving me what I deserve for being such a pig all the time!

From now on, I'm gonna do things differently.

Men are jerks! Let's swear off of them and find comfort in each other!

Com here, you guys!


So, what's with you?

No Valentine's Day plans?

(scoffs) No.

I've had it with Valentine's Day.

I'm sick of all of it.

Okay, I'm putting on my friend hat.

What's the matter? Let me in.

I don't know. It's just...

How come it's so hard to meet the right woman?

I think maybe it's just time for me to give up.

Come on, Brian. You can't give up.

Everything could change in a moment.

That's what happened with the Kennedy assassination.

I'm sorry, gentlemen. Despite our best efforts, the Texas School Book Depository Awareness Council has failed in its mission to generate public awareness of the Texas School Book Depository.

So at the end of the day, we'll be shutting down operations and laying everyone off.

Sir, I think you're gonna want to see this!

♪ Let's fall in love

♪ Why shouldn't we fall in love? ♪

♪ Our hearts are made of it

♪ Let's take a chance

♪ Why be afraid of it?

♪ Let's close our eyes

♪ And make our own paradise

♪ Little we know of it

♪ Still, we can try to make a go of it ♪

♪ Let's fall in love.

Oh, Brian, there you are.

Look, I've been thinking about your situation with women, and I believe I've come up with a way to get to the source of the problem. Follow me.

What's going on?

Oh, my God.

Stewie, what the hell?!

These are all my ex-girlfriends!

Well, I thought they could provide some insights that might improve your love life.

Ladies, as you may have guessed, you are here because you have all dated this great guy.

Yet, somehow, things didn't work out.

My objective is to figure out why.

I don't know.

The word "self-absorbed" comes to mind.

And pretentious.

Definitely pretentious.

And he's got a big eggo.

Okay, we seem to have a theme going here.

Oh, come on! You're all just mad because I didn't wanna be with you!

(masculine voice): I think Brian's a wonderful man.

He's just having a difficult time coming to terms with his own sexuality.

Shut up, Ida. She's my favorite.

He's insecure.

And a blowhard.

And he's got a tiny penis!

(all laughing)

Yeah, that was pretty clear by the survey.

Okay, now who wants more wine?

This is great.

We should do this every Saturday.

No, no, we're not gonna do this every Saturday!

What's wrong? We're just being honest.

Oh, oh, you want honest?!

You're an old bag. You're blind.

Your vomit tastes weird.

You don't even know why you're here.

You chose to be on The Hills.

You still have bits of penis left, and you can never get wet.


And you, you're more of a woman than anyone else in this room!

Get him!

Oh, honey, I'm so excited to finally meet your girlfriend.

Here she comes now.

Yoo-hoo, baby!

Oh, no!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Tom & Jerry: The Final Episode.

So, that's it? That's it.

This is so much easier.

I don't know why I didn't do this years ago.

What do you want me to do with the body?

(scoffs) I don't care. Throw it in the garbage.

Do you want any of his oversized mallets?

I will take a mallet.

(phone rings)

Ah, I gotta take this.

Who's calling?

My ex-girlfriend.

She calls me drunk every Valentine's Day.

Hey, Samantha.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I still love Lois.

Oh, come on. You would have been a great mom.

(whispering): She had cervical cancer five years ago.

She's basically a boob on a leg at this point.

Well, that's something.

You're in a book club?

Those are tough to get into.

What? Well, I didn't even know the Fine Young Cannibals were still together.

Eight-city tour?

Well, I don't know if I can make eight, but I can certainly do six.

What about Lois?

She's totally out of the picture.

We've done everything but sign the papers.

Samantha, Samantha, I will see you in Binghamton.

And now I want you to go and take a picture of yourself because it will be your last day alone.

Geez, what's not clear about "Get lost"?

By the way, my attendance at home is gonna be spotty over the next few weeks.

And, well, prize pumpkin from the county fair, that's why I'm naming you my Chief of Police.

Mayor West, there's something you need to see!

My God! My wife is seeing another mayor!

I'm sorry, sir.

Don't be. Because I'm going to win her back.

I trust you'll take care of things here in my absence.

Officer down!

I hereby declare this public park and future homosexual meeting spot... open!

Unhand that woman, you bastard!

(gasps) Adam!

Well, well, well, if it isn't Mayor "Guns For Toys" West.

The chair recognizes your face!

En garde!

Is the park open?

Not yet!

You call that kissing a baby?!

That's how you kiss a baby.

I hereby declare this Stabby Eye Day!


Oh, Adam, I'm so sorry!

Carol, I love you and I can't live without you.

Please, never let this happen again.

I won't, Adam.

You're the only mayor for me.

Hey-ey, Carol. I almost didn't recognize you without my special sauce all over your face.

Is somebody out there?

Chris, it's me!

Uncle Herbert's grandniece, Sandy!

Oh, hi, Sandy. What's up?

(hushed): What do I say?

You say, "Chris, I wanted to come see you because, well..."

Chris, I wanted to come see you because, well...

I'm kind of a lonely old man.


Now, I know I'm not much to look at, and ever since I got banned from the arcade, I don't know what I'm doing.

But if you're up for it, I'd like to spend some time with you.

Okay. Sure, Sandy!

I'll come right down!

Thanks, Uncle Herbert.

I don't know how I could ever repay you.

Well, there is one thing.

(both laughing)

Also, if I gave you a sandwich, do you think you could get Chris to fart on it?

Well, guess I better be going.

I gotta get this heart to Madonna.

Oh, my God! Madonna needs a heart transplant?

No, she just doesn't want other people to have them for some reason.

But before I go... Here.

For me?

My kidney!

I wanted you to have it.

Oh, Toby, I love it! Thank you.

This has been the best Valentine's Day ever.

Oh, Peter, it was fun spending the day in bed with you.

It sure was, Lois.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Hey, Lois, remember our wedding?

Yeah, I sure do.

Remember the dance?

Of course I do, Peter.

Who was that half-Persian chick who was dancing with your cousin?

I think her name was Flora.

Yeah... yeah.

Okay, all right, I'm ready! I'm ready!

What? Shut up for ten minutes and pretend we're in the back behind the speakers.


This wedding sucks, huh?

♪ L is for the way you look at me ♪

♪ O is for the only one I see

♪ V is very, very extraordinary ♪

♪ E is even more than anyone that you adore can ♪

♪ Love is all that I can give to you ♪

♪ Love is more than just a game for two ♪

♪ Two in love can make it

♪ Take my heart and please don't break it. ♪

♪ It was made for me and... ♪