Family Guy S11E13 Script

Chris Cross (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

All right, class, today we're going to be talking about variables.

(kids laughing)

Okay, it's just a rear end.

We all have one.

Mine just happens to be a hot Brazilian woman's.

No, we're not laughing at you.

We're laughing at Griffin's shoes.

Why, what's wrong with them?

I don't even know what those are.

What's "Teslik"?

Um, I'm not sure, but my mom says they're very popular with Latvian athletes.

Running, throwing, lifting big things.


That's all right with me, man.

ANNOUNCER: Each shoe sold separate.

Are they really that bad?

(laughs): Are you kidding? They're terrible.

Man, high school is rough.

This year it's sneakers.

Last year it was all about being overweight and wearing a baseball cap.

Hey, guys, sure hope we win the big game on Saturday.

Get lost. Dork.

Yeah, gain some weight, will ya?


Oh, of all the years to be trim and well-hatted.

That was a fun birthday party, huh, Stewie?

That kid was Indian and 11 years old.

Where are you finding my friends?

Oh, someone's a little cranky.

Here, let me put on the radio.

♪ Talkin' 'bout the club

♪ Lookin' round the club ♪

♪ Pimpin' at the club

♪ Emphasizing "club."

Yuck, this is awful.

ANNE MURRAY: ♪ Or am I really lying here with you? ♪ My God, who is this enchantress?

♪ Baby

♪ You take me in your arms Oh, isn't that cute?

My little Stewie likes Anne Murray.

She sounds like an angel.

It's like her voice is putting my entire body in her mouth.

♪ And, oh, I

♪ Just fall in love again

♪ Just one touch and then it happens every time ♪

♪ And there I go, I

♪ Just fall in love again

♪ And when I do

♪ I can't help myself

♪ I fall in love with you.

(music fades)

You like that, Stewie?

You like Anne Murray's music?

Do I?

I've never known such happiness.

This must be what it's like for you when you're buying potatoes or scraping your heels or smushing on makeup for a sad night out.

ANNOUNCER: This portion of the Channel 5 News at 6:00 is brought to you buy condoms.

Put us on backwards a little bit, then put us on the right way.

Mom, Dad, I need to get new sneakers.

What? I just bought you new sneakers.

I know, but I need cooler ones.

Shut up, and stop complaining.

When I was your age, I didn't even have sneakers.

We wore stale hamburger buns.

No, you didn't, Peter.

Shh, he doesn't know that.

He's just a dumb, fat loser.

Did you see his shoes?

Look, Chris, I'm sorry, but money's tight right now.

Yeah, I even had to take a second job as a door-to-door vacuum salesman.

This thing can pick up anything.

Here's a little demonstration.

I'll pour some wine, rub in some feces, and, to top it off, some mustard mixed with feces.

Tough stain, right?

Oh, crap, I forgot the vacuum.

(crickets chirping)

(Anne Murray singing "Snowbird")

All right, Rupert, you ready to get lost in some Anne?

♪ Gentle breezes where the peaceful waters flow ♪

♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away ♪

♪ And take the snow back with you ♪

♪ Where it came from on that day ♪

♪ The one I love forever is untrue ♪

♪ And if I could, you know that I would fly away with you ♪

♪ Yeah, if I could, you know that I would fly-i-i-i-i ♪

♪ Away with you.

(song ends)

What a woman.

To think Canada's got her, and we have Kelly Clarkson going to town at a Waffle House.

That's it, I'm getting those sneakers.

After all, shoes make the man.

Gentlemen, take your marks.

(pistol fires)

(crowd cheering)

I'm a different kind of winner.

Oh, come on, Dad, there's no cash in here.

Just a bunch of cards that say, "I farted on your car," with his insurance info.

(moans sadly)


Geez, it's so weird that Mom and Dad would leave the house without their purse and wallet.

I wonder where they are?

Can I get you anything else?

Uh, two more Cokes, please.

Could you excuse me?

(keypad beeping)

(phone rings)


Damone, it's Peter.

I'm at my date and I left my wallet at home.

Will you please borrow your mom's car, drive to my house, get my wallet, and bring it back here?

Damone, are you there? Damone?

Yeesh, I'm really kind of busy.

Come on, just do me this one favor.

All right, but you owe me for this one.

Oh, thanks, Damone.

And that was the last we ever saw of him.

Well, well, well.

Who do we have here?

It's me, Chris, you know me.

Why are you talking like a bad guy?

Listen, I saw you steal money from Mom's purse.


Well, I was just trying to get new sneakers.

You're not going to tell on me, are you?

Well, that depends. On what?

How about, I won't tell Mom and Dad about the money if you promise to do whatever I say.

Meg, this is how a lot of porn starts.

I mean it, Chris.

I'll tell them.

Mom, Chris took money out of the...

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll do whatever you want.

I thought you'd see it that way.

Here's a list of stuff I need you to do for me.

Shouldn't have taken that money, Chris.

Eh, she's right. I'm a horrible person.

I'm only one step above those people who really like dive bars and really need you to know it.

I love this place. I love dive bars.

Dive bars are my favorite.

They're so much better than regular bars because worse is better.

I know, right?

They're my favorite, too.

I'm quirky like that.

I've got quirky taste.

I'm a quirky girl.

It seems like we would be perfect for each other.

But really we're terrible for everyone.

ANNE MURRAY: ♪ And though I...

What the hell?

Are you listening to Anne Murray?

Uh, I am experiencing Anne Murray.

Why? That music is complete crap.

Um, excuse me?

It's all just vapid, overproduced tripe.

It has no edge whatsoever.

Yeah, neither does a soft summer breeze, or a letter from an old friend.

I'm pretty sure envelopes have edges.

Fine, an e-mail. Dick.

Whatever. You know what? I don't care.

I think Anne Murray sucks, and that's my opinion.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm going to make a believer out of you, Brian.

I am going to show you the true meaning of Anne Murray.

Don't waste your time, I'm not going to change my mind.

I don't know, Bri, I can make things happen when I want to.

Just ask my twin brother.

(grunting) And here's baby boy number one.

I understand you've decided to name him Stewie.

One more to go.

And here he... oh.

Oh, dear.

Oh, no, did Dave not make it?

Okay, Meg, I've cleaned your room and I did your homework.

Can I be done now?

Oh, no, there's a lot more things I need you to do for me.

There are? Like what?

Well, now you have to watch An Officer and a Gentlemen with me.

And that's it?

(laughs) No.

At the end, when Richard Gere carries Debra Winger out of the paper mill, you have to read what's on this index card.

(on TV): ♪ Love lift us up where we belong... ♪


That's going to be you some day, Meg.

I know it will.

I just know it will.

Okay, Chris, I want to wear contacts, but I'm too squeamish to put them in myself, so you need to help me.

Really? Is it that hard?

My eyes are too sensitive.

It's like they overreact or something.


Ah, what happened to your eye?!

Don't worry about it. Just put the lens in.

But where do I put it?

The pupil's gone.

Your eye just looks like a ping-pong ball.

I think it rolled up into my head.

Look, just... just do the other one.


You look like one of those blind jazz guys.

Where are you? I can't see anything.


I don't like this.

Just wear your stupid glasses.

Chris, I'm blind.

I'm sorry, Meg.


What the hell is all this?

This is history, Brian.

A key moment in the history of happiness.

Have a seat.


(piano plays gently)

♪ I cried a tear

♪ You wiped it dry

♪ I was confused

♪ You cleared my mind

♪ I sold my soul

♪ You bought it back for me

♪ And held me up

♪ And gave me dignity

♪ Somehow you needed me

♪ You gave me strength

♪ To stand alone again

♪ To face the world

♪ Out on my own again

♪ You put me high

♪ Upon a pedestal

♪ So high that I could almost see eternity ♪

♪ You needed me

♪ You needed me...

(song ends)


Some hardcore (bleep), right?

Wow, thank you for turning me on to something so amazing.

Hey, I'm just glad you enjoyed it.

And I'm sure Buzz Lightyear would have enjoyed it if he had bothered to show up.

Hey, how would you like to go to my apartment... and beyond?

Okay, Meg, I stood outside Planned Parenthood for 36 hours and here are the pictures of every girl in your class who went in.

All right, good.

Now I want you to call them as if you're their dead baby.

No way, that was the last thing on your list.

I-I can't do this anymore.

Well, you should've thought of that before you stole money out of Mom's purse.

I own you.

Now, here's my post office key.

I need you to go downtown and get the stuff from my P.O. box.

You-you don't get your mail here?

No, I get a lot of private correspondence from the Netherlands.

Like what?

Like, I'm part of a group that kind of trashes Anne Frank's house every year.

You know what? No. That's it.

I'm not-I'm not doing any more of your crap, Meg.

Chris, don't you see? You have no choice.

I'll just go tell Mom and Dad about the money and they'll ground your ass for a year.

I don't care, tell them.

'Cause I'm not even going to be here.

I'm going to run away and no one will ever see me again.

Good, go.

And who's even going to miss you?

You're just a little thief.

Where you going, Chris?

Who are you going to turn to?

You don't even have any friends.

(doorbell rings)

Hi. I ran away from home.

Do you mind if I live with you?

Live with me?

My goodness, I feel like I want to pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming.

Hot dog, it's real.

Mr. Herbert, it's 6:00, I'm-I'm not really tired yet.

Well, you had those three cups of Nyquil.

You'll be down soon enough.

Okay, good night, Mr. Herbert.

Sweet dreams, Chris.

Mr. Herbert, what's life really all about?

Well, I suppose it's about trying new things; sampling the sweet and the savory; not being afraid to take everything life wants to throw up on into ya.


I never looked at it like that before.

Thanks, Mr. Herbert.

But don't you think it's scary to try new things?

No, Chris.

Life is like a new baseball glove.

At first you think you're never going to get a ball in there.

But then you oil it up, work your fingers around in there a little, and pretty soon you're pitching and catching.

I guess that makes sense.


CHRIS: Sorry.

You really know how to waste a Cialis, don't you?

ANNE MURRAY: ♪ The snowbird sings the song

♪ He always sings...

You know, this is definitely a mystery song for me.

It's so upbeat, but the lyrics are so dark.

I'm-I'm sorry, are we both listening to "Snowbird," as recorded by Miss Anne Murray?

Yeah, the woman in the song is trying to cope with getting older and she feels trapped because she knows she can't do anything about it.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, you're right that she's feeling trapped, but the message is positive.

It's about being trapped in a bad relationship and having the guts to get out of it.

No, no. See, what I hear, is that the woman is starting to hate life.

You know the line, "Now I feel such emptiness within"?

Yeah, I know the song.

Well, Anne Murray feels old.

And then, to make things worse, the snowbird comes around every year, bringing the snow, or "death," to remind her that no matter what she does, her fate's already written.

Brian, the snowbird has nothing to do with time or fate.

Well, I disagree.

Look, there's only one way to settle this.

Only the artist knows the true meaning of their art.

Now, Ms. O'Keefe, the flowers in your paintings, what do they represent?

Oh, wow, that's a really good question.

(sucks air)

La, la, la...


Mm... (blathering)

(blowing raspberries)

Oh, hi, Meg.

Could you tell Chris breakfast is ready?

Oh, um, I-I-I think he got up early.

He, um, said something about a fat kid rally at Little Caesars.

Huh, it's not like Chris to miss breakfast.

Oh, don't worry, Mom.

I... I'm sure he'll be home later.

Well, I hope so.

We were supposed to go to the library to wipe boogers in fancy books.

I like to wipe mine in Bronte novels.

It's like a time bomb to gross out lonely chicks.

Oh, Heathcliff.

Oh, come on.

I want so little.

Chris, what did you do with my video tapes?

I had a whole system.

I was trying to find a good movie to watch.

I've never even heard of most of these.

"Jeffrey at the Park."

"Mikey's Scoliosis Exam."

"Nephew Somersault Compilation."

Well, even if you never heard of them, I assume you heard of the alphabet.

You want to explain to me how "Sammy Popsicle" comes before "Napping, Various"?

Geez, I'm sorry.

Well, can we watch "Lost Boys"?

I've heard of that one.

Those... those are different lost boys.

(whistling "Snowbird")

Are you whistling "Snowbird"?


That's awesome.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, why do you get to ring it?

Because I was into her first.

(doorbell rings) Let's flip for it, or...

I can't believe you did that.

I cannot believe you just did that.

(doorbell rings) Will you stop it.

She's going to think we're weird.

Hi. Can I help you?

Hi. Miss Murray.

My name's Brian Griffin.

Uh, first of all, I just want to tell you what a huge fan I am.

Aw, that's very sweet of you.

And I'm Stewie.

I'm the one who sent you the vibrators.

Well, I'm glad you enjoy my music.

Would you like to come in?

We'd love to.

Wow, nothing says success like free on a Tuesday at 3:00 p.m.

I'll get there.

So, Miss Murray, the reason we came is that we have a question about "Snowbird."

It's about a relationship, right?

No, no, it's obviously about the fear of growing old.

You know, I think you're both kind of right.

I guess I always thought it was about human limitation, both mental and physical.

Okay, that... that just blew my face off.

Well, I hope that helps.

It does. Thank you so much, Miss Murray.

This has been terrific.

Hey, uh, before we go, do you mind if I use your restroom?

It was a long drive up here.

No, go right ahead.

We should do something without him sometime.

Do you like tapas?

Someone invited me out for that once.

I thought they said topless, so I was like, (high-pitch): what?

That's a good story.

Hey, you know, that was really cool how you told us what "Snowbird" was about.

Well, you know, that's just the way I always interpreted the song.

But I suppose Gene probably could have explained it better than I.

Who's Gene?

Gene MacLellan. He wrote the song.

I see.

But you wrote all your other songs, right?

No, all of my songs were written by other people.

As a singer, I've been blessed to interpret the works of many gifted, sensitive songwriters.


So, you're just a big (bleep) liar?

Sit back down.

All right, come on, Stewie, let's go home...

(muffled grunts)

Stewie, what the hell are you doing?

She's a fraud, Brian. A fraud!

She didn't write any of her songs.

Well, so, that's the case with a lot of singers.

It's a very common industry practice.

Well, then you're all a bunch of frauds, aren't you?

A bunch of frauds and charlatans.

You want to be a puppet?

Then sing for your life, puppet. Come on.

♪ Spread your tiny wings and fly away! ♪

(muffled singing)

Come on, Anne, sing along.

You know it. You didn't write it, but you know it, bitch.

STEWIE AND ANNE: ♪ The one I love forever is untrue ♪

♪ And if I could you know that I would fly away with you. ♪

Hey, Meg, you here for the expired hot dogs?

No, Carl, I'm looking for Chris.

I've looked everywhere and I can't find him.

Uh, I haven't seen him but I'll keep an eye out.

(knocking on glass)

Hey, bozos, what do you think of this?

(laughing): I did, I did it!

You're crazy man.

You're so crazy.

(gunfire, men shouting on TV)

I thought I told you to clean up in here?

And why aren't you dressed?

We're supposed to have dinner with Judge Maynard and Timmy.

Yeah, okay, as soon as I finish this level.

No, get your coat on.

It's a three-hour drive to that cabin.

Can't you just cook something here?

Excuse me?

I am not going to cook you dinner while you sit here in your own mess playing your TV games.

Oh-ho, and the martyr returns.

Chris, I... I think it's time for you to go.

Okay, I'll go.

But I want you to know, I faked all my light-headedness.

Mm, good Kool-Aid.

Whoa, whoa.

Sound familiar?

Oh, my God, Chris.

Oh, there you are.

I've been looking all over for you.

Why? You want to humiliate me with more slave work?

No, I... I wanted to apologize.

I should've never blackmailed you.

I'm really sorry.

And I want you to come home.

I thought you said no one would miss me?

I said a lot of stupid things I didn't mean, Chris.

But I miss you.

Thanks, Meg. I miss you, too.

You know, living in that family, we both have pretty crappy lives.

And if we're going to survive it, we can't turn on each other.

We're all we have.

I know.

I'll never do anything like that again.

Do you think you can ever forgive me?

Yeah, I forgive you.

(engine starting)

(tires squealing)


We broke up.