Family Guy S11E14 Script

Call Girl (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hey, Chris, what do you got there?

I made a birdhouse at school today.

Oh, looks an awful lot like the Governor's Mansion from Benson.

It is. I'm fond of the series, and I wanted the local birds to be aware of that.

Well, I'll be on the lookout for great tits.


Well, actually, Lois, that's a species of bird that's known to frequent domestic birdhouses.

It's why I've always wanted a birdhouse.

Hey, Lois, let's go outside and see if we can find some great tits.

'Cause there certainly ain't any in here!

Remember those two we saw last night?

One was bigger than the other.

Yeah, and-and the bigger one had a hair sticking out of that pointy thing.

What do you call that pointy thing, again?

The beak? Okay.

Come on, Dad!

Maybe we can get the birds to act out the Benson where a scheduling snafu forces the governor to decide between meeting the president or going to Katie's school play!


Scatterbrained governor.

Welp, there she is.

A birdhouse.

I just hope whoever moves in doesn't mind the Persian birds next door.

(Persian accent): Eh, tweet, tweet.

Check out my expensive fountain.

(bird chirping)

Dad, look.

(birds chirping)

You built a great birdhouse, son.

I'm real proud of you.

Thanks, Dad.



What just happened?!

What was that thing?!

I don't know. Some kind of super bird.

Or maybe an average bird who bought a Bowflex.

Well, that super bird ruined everything!

Indeed, a force to be reckoned with, like Secretary of Energy Steven Chu.

Secretary Chu, Ways and Means has sent over a preliminary budget.

It looks like the Department of Energy is looking at a four-percent budget cut.


Okay, no budget cut.

No budget cut.

Has anyone seen your father?

It's almost 6:00.

PETER: I am here.

Family, I want you to meet my falcon, Xerxes.

I'm a falconer now.

And yet for Christmas, I got a wrapped scrambled egg.


Peter, that falcon looks pretty dangerous.

Yeah, Peter, get rid of that thing right now and eat your dinner.


I am a falconer and I will eat whatever Xerxes brings me.

Feed master.

Peter, what the hell?

For Xerxes, every meal is a pageant.

Hey, Peter.

Oh, falcon. Cool.

Hi, falcon.

Whoa, whoa, easy there, fella.

Xerxes. His name is Xerxes.

Uh, what does Xerxes eat?

Rodents. Now if you'll excuse me...

(screams) What the hell?!

Peter, make him stop!

(chuckles) Hey, what do you got going on down there, Quagmire?

You got a, you got a rodent situation?

Uh, no!

Well, Xerxes seems to think there is.

Get him off, Peter!

Admit you got a rodent in there.

Peter! Admit it!


Aw, you scared him out the front.

Tony, come back!

Oh, what... what...

What do I do? What do I do?

Well, just hope he's not standing on your soft spot.

Well, is that possible?

Because that could really mess up my...

(unintelligible slurring)

Mom, I need money for lunch.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry, Chris.

My purse has been missing for a day now.

I-I can't find it anywhere.

Not to worry, Lois.

Xerxes will find it.

Xerxes, find Lois's purse.


This is your purse now.

Peter, I can't carry my money in this.


(scoffs) Yeah, her money.

You're gonna love the park, Xerxes.

(laughing, whooping)

I think you know what I want.

This is awesome.

We should have our own TV show.

So what do you think about a platonic shower?

(doorbell rings)

Are you Peter Griffin?

Yes, sir, I am.

I represent the man whose sidecar motorcycle you stole yesterday.

You've piqued my interest, go on.

Unfortunately for you, that man is very, very Jewish and is suing you for everything you've got.

Including the falcon.

No! Not Xerxes!

You won't get away with this.

Wait till American Airlines' magazine hears about this!


Hello, American Airlines' magazine?

Have I got a scoop for you.

"Falcon stolen."

Ew, there's a toenail in this.

Guess I'll just go back to coughing.


Now what are we gonna do?

We have no money.

That's okay, Lois, we got a wonderful family.

No, we don't.

There's Meg and Dummy and Big Head.

Damn it, Peter, I'm probably gonna have to get a job.

Oh, thank God. Thought I was gonna have to go back to being on Live with Kelly and Peter.

So exhausting having to do that open-mouth smile while the guest does their bit.

We're here with The Good Wife's Christine Baranski.

So, Christine, you've actually won an Emmy, is that right?

Yes, for playing Maryann on Cybill.


But my character on The Good Wife is such a complete departure from Maryann.


You've also had quite a stage career.

I believe you won a Tony Award?

Well, actually, I've won two.


And one more question, darling.

Who are you?

Excuse me, would you mind taking a look at my résumé?

I haven't had an interview in a while, and I want to make sure it's formatted correctly.

Looks okay. Good.

It's not too braggy?

Hi, I'm sorry, I couldn't help but overhear you.

You have an amazing speaking voice.

My name's Randy.

I can get you steady work with a voice like that.


Wow, thank you.

This is great.

Now I won't have to become a Mary Kay saleswoman.

So, what makes these shampoos different from the ones at the supermarket?

These shampoos have been in my car.

Guess what everybody?

Oh, my God! Tampons and groceries?

No-- well, yes-- but also I got discovered today.

I could be one of those famous voice-over artists you hear on TV or in the movies.

Ugh, her doing voice-over?

Who wants to hear that?

Maybe she could be one of those annoying voices that goes, "Ah, ah, ah, not that product."

NARRATOR: Which of these leading brands of canned soup has less than a hundred grams of sodium?

Ah, ah, ah.Keep going.

Not that one.

Ah, ah, ah.

Not that one either.

Ah, ah, ah.

Nope, not that one.

Look, this isn't even for me.

It's for my homosexual lover.

Ah, ah, ah.

The Bible's pretty clear about that.

Hi, I'm Lois Griffin.

I have an appointment to see Randy.

Lois, I'm so glad you decided to try this.

I can't believe I'm a celebrity now.

I might hit someone with my car on the way home just for kicks.

Well, I have a feeling you're gonna be a big star here.

(phones ringing, men chattering)

What am I wearing?

(giggles) Nothing at all, sweetheart.

Wait a minute.

This is a phone sex operation.

I can't do this.

It pays two grand a week, sweetie.

Oh, my God.

With that type of money, I could buy pots and pans at Williams-Sonoma.

This is a very nice set.

You must be a phone whore.

You bet your sweet ass I am.

(phones ringing, women chattering)

All right, Lois, you know the drill.

And whatever you do, do not mention computers or the Internet.

They cannot know about it.

(phone ringing)

Oh, dear.


Uh, h-hi there...

(clears throat)

I can tell you're good at this.

Listen, I want to double-team you on the phone with my son.


Yeah, the family's kind of falling apart.

And I'm just, uh... just a dad trying to keep it all together.

I see.

Are you into guys in wheelchairs?

Not really.

Oh, that's too bad, 'cause, uh, my son's in a wheelchair.

Hey, Lois.

So, how was your first day of voice-over?

Eh, it was nothing.

Turns out, I'm just doing very obscure European commercials.

You know, I have got to get myself back out there, too.

I haven't performed since I was in Stewman Group.

(rhythmic drumming)

MAN: I don't get it. What is this?

We don't know either.

(phone ringing)

Hi, my name's...


What can I do for you, hot stuff?

Ooh, hi, Classy.

Listen, do you have a wallet or a purse?

Uh, I have a purse.


Oh, baby.

I want you to take the money out and count it really slowly.



Ooh, that's nice.


Oh. Oh, my.

I'm sorry, the next bill I have in here is a ten.


Oh, I love you!

All that and everything.

(phone ringing)

Hi, I'm Classy.

All right, let's get this going, sweet cheeks.

You got a handkerchief?

Uh, yeah.

Good, ball that up and stick it in your mouth.

(mouth full): Okay.

Now, what else you got there?

You got a stapler?

Uh-huh, uh, yeah.

Okay, why don't you go ahead and stick that in your mouth, too.


How about a mouse pad?


Yeah, go ahead and roll that up and stuff it in there.

Did you get a packet from HR when you started working there?

(muffled grunting)

Okay, I'll take that as a yes.

And I'm pretty certain you know what I want you to do with it.


Okay, you think you can fit anything else in your mouth?

Mm-mm. All right, so now let's start filling up some other places.

Peter, I've had a long day at work, and right now, sex is the last thing I want to think about.

What the hell, Lois?

You never want to do it no more.

What if I told you I'm holding in a very big dump?

Peter, can't you just use Sock Lois tonight?

No! Sock Lois doesn't feel authentic to me anymore.

Hey, Joe, how often do you have sex with Bonnie?

Well, my HMO only pays for the equipment once a year. Why?

Lois barely wants to do it no more.

I'm going crazy here.

Ugh. I hear you.

Hey, Quagmire, do yourself a favor: don't get married.

I wasn't gonna.

Good. Don't.

I wasn't.

Perfect. Don't.

Joe, you telling me not to has no effect on me whatsoever.

I'm not gonna get married.

Great. Don't.

I mean it, you guys, this no-sex thing doesn't work.

I need some kind of outlet.

You know, Peter, I got just the thing for you.

There's this new phone sex chick I been calling, and she is amazing.

Gee, I don't know. Isn't that cheating on Lois?

No, look, it's over the phone.

It's like they say: "Phonin' ain't bonin'."

Yeah. Well, I guess I could try it.

Trust me, Peter.

Hey, I was right about telling you to go see the gynecologist, wasn't I?

I'd like to see some vaginas, please.

That's what we're here for. Come on in.


Hello there, handsome.

I'm Classy.

Um, hi, Classy, I'm, uh, Peter.


Night Shyamalan.

They call me that 'cause I got a big twist at the end of my thing.

(whispers): Oh, my God.

(clears throat)

Um... well, hello, Peter.

What can I do for you?

Um, you want to see some pictures that I drew?

Um, sure.

This is me on a elephant.

Wow. That's beautiful.

Did you draw that all by yourself?


And this is me on the moon.

I didn't really go there.

It was just in my imagination, so I drawed it.

Wow, you're really talented.

You know, there's something about you, Classy.

Something special.

Aw, that's very sweet.

I like your voice.

It makes me want to hear more of your voice.

Hey, you want to see a funny comic?


He's scared 'cause his friends got killed in the pie.

So, Peter, how was your day?

Eh, it was okay.

Except for that Yokohama beef bowl I tried for lunch.

Not sitting so well.

Just "okay"?

Didn't try anything new today?

Talk to anyone interesting?

No, not really.

Oh, that beef bowl is wrecking me.

My stomach feels like that time I had explosive diarrhea.

(farts loudly)

PETER: Brown house.

(phone ringing)


Um, hi, Classy.

It's Peter.

Oh, hi there.

(giggles) I love when you talk.

Listen, um, I've had such a good time talking to you these past few times that I was thinking maybe we could meet.

But you're married!

You've got a wife!

Yeah, but she's been giving me the cold shoulder lately.

Besides, anything that comes out, I can always take home to her.

I don't think this is a good idea.

I mean, cheating on your wife is a very serious thing.

You don't understand, I have to meet you.

I-I know it seems sudden, but I feel a special connection with you.

Look, you name the place and the time, and I'll be there.

(whispers): You son of a bitch!


I'll meet you.

Yay, I did it!

Thanks, Fairy God Peter!

Peter, the power was within you all along.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm meeting Fairy God Quagmire and Fairy God Joe down at the Fairy God Clam.

That sounds like a gay bar. It is a gay bar.

That's right, fellas, I'm gonna meet her.

Meet who?

Yeah, what are you talking about?

Oh, I-I thought we were starting in the middle to save time.

The-the phone sex lady, I'm gonna meet the phone sex lady in person.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute, Peter.

I wouldn't do that.

Hang on, Quagmire, that's a bad idea.

You never want to meet those phone sex women in person.

Yeah, I know, that's what I said.

I wouldn't do it.

Good. Don't.

Joe, Joe, you realize what you're telling me not to do, I'm already not doing!

Okay, I know you should never meet a phone sex operator.

All right? I'm not an idiot.

I would never meet one of those people, ever.

Good. Don't.

Guys, I have to see if she's as special in person as she is on the phone.

Besides, if I listened to you guys, I never would've got that job as a seat filler for fetuses.

Okay, let's take a look at your baby, shall we?


He'll be right back; he's in the bathroom.

Thanks for having me, Bonnie.

I just needed someone to talk to.

Sure, Lois.

What's on your mind?

Well, it's kind of a long story.

You see...

Eight (bleep) hours later...

Oh, my God!

So, as far as Peter knows, he's about to cheat on you?

Lois, you got to draw the line here.

I know.

There's a lot of crazy things I'll let Peter get away with.

I even held my tongue when he went through that anime phase.

Hey, Lois, me make drive time to super fun Clam with noble Quagmire and wheel-monster Joe.

Go, force!

Peter, what...

Why are you dressed like that?

What did you do to your hair?

Business trip, Lois. Going to Chicago City.

Oh... okay.

I see.

And in case you're wondering why I don't have business charts, yes, I do.

All right, I got to say good-bye to the kids.

Hey, champ.

I want you to have this pocket watch.

It still works, even though it's got a lot of Civil War brains all over it.

Meg, I want you to have this sad-sounding fart.


Chris, people are gonna tell you that you're stupid and that you're no good.

Bye, Otis!

That son of a bitch.



You're... you're beautiful.

So you got to meet me.

Are we gonna do this or what?

Listen, I... I got to be honest with you.

I am not, in fact, the President of Hot Wheels.

And I also lied about the giant chef's hat.

I do not have one.


Well, the small lies don't matter.

Let's go.

(sighs) Why am I doing this?

You know, I got the greatest wife in the world.

And we have one beautiful child.

But did you ever feel like something was missing?

You know, something you had once, but now it's gone?

You mean like the loyalty of someone you trusted?

Yes, I know exactly what that feels like.

Yeah, I mean, I was just goofing around when I first called you, but when I heard your voice, I-I felt like I found some part of me that was lost.

Doesn't make any sense, but it... it felt like some force in the universe wanted us together.

That's... kind of nice.

I guess I could understand that.

Now that you're here in front of me, I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Eight (bleep) hours later...

Ah, I got to say, I was fantastic.

You think so, you dirty, rotten cheater?!

(gasps) Lois!

You-you-you-you is the phone lady, you the phone, you the phone, you is the phone lady, you is the phone lady, you is the phone lady...

You cheated on me! Lois!

Why the hell were you doing phone sex?!

I was providing for our family.

You were lying.

I'm starting to think that whole Chicago City business trip was just a bunch of baloney!

That's not the point!

Well, if you think about it, I-I wasn't really cheating 'cause it was with you.

Well, you didn't know that!

Yeah, but you know what?

In some way, I think I did.

You know, when I heard your voice on that phone, I-I felt something.

It was like an instinct, you know?

Both my heart and my wiener somehow knew you were my soul mate.


I suppose you did fall for me pretty hard.

Don't you see, Lois?

I fell in love with you all over again.

And, look, now we just had the best sex in years because of it.

I know. It's like our privates were shaking hands after a successful business meeting in a swamp.

To me it... it just proves that we're truly meant to be together.

Oh, I love you, Peter.

I love you, too, Lois.

By the way, you may have to become a full-on prostitute, 'cause our phone bill was $7,000.

Oh, Peter.

I want you to do me so hard that we have to change churches.


I want to wreck you so bad, you'll look like an exploded Hot Pocket.

Oh, my God!

STEWIE: Can I interest you guys in a two-and-a-quarter way?