Family Guy S11E15 Script

Turban Cowboy (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Jeopardy Presents:

"The Best of Contestant Banter."

So, Ben, it says here you have a connection to milk.

Yes, funny story. I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk.

(chuckles) So I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you.

And Dennis, you once spent a night in a tent?

So, uh, what do you guys got planned for the weekend?

I don't know. I might sit out in the front yard with a rake and wave at cars.

Yeah, and I found a hole in my fence I was gonna maybe stick stuff through.

God, look at us.

How'd we become so dull and pathetic?

You're right.

I mean, we used to have hobbies.

Remember when I was a horse whisperer?


Shh, shh, shh.

(whinnies, nickers)

That's right. I bet you're hungry.

(softly): It's okay.

That calmed you down, you (bleep) horse.

Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.

Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe!

All right, okay, I have two ideas.

One that I think is awesome, and one that I think is stupid.

See if you can guess which one is which.

We could either A) Rob a Mafia poker game, (flatly): or B) Skydive.

Skydiving, huh? I'd be totally up for that!

Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!

Really? Eh, could be fun, I guess.

Besides, I haven't done anything new since I learned to use a palm frond.

(whispers): So do I try to match your speed?

Yeah, just match my speed.

And do we stagger our waves or do 'em at the same time?

Um, they should've covered this in orientation.

Guards, have the new guy executed!

Am I the new guy?

All right, we're almost at our jumping altitude .

Does anyone have any questions?

Yeah, I got one. Can I listen to my iPod on the way down?

Of course. Just as long as it's not Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'".

I'll just keep it in my pocket.

Any other questions?

Let's do this!

That wasn't a question. Back of the line.

Okay, let's do this!

JOE: Hey!

Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

Yeah. It said in the brochure that he assists with all the jumps.

Get off my plane! Get off my plane!

Get off my plane!

Oh, look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him.

Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.

Good, 'cause she looked fat.

HARRISON FORD: Get off my plane!

Get off my plane! Get off my plane!

All right!

Yeah! This is amazing!

I know, it's unbelievable!

Hey, guys, let's try to re-create this feeling for the rest of our lives, with drugs.

Oh, it looks like it's almost time for us to pull our cords.

Wait, wait, guys. How about this?

Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks.

Okay. I'm in.

Damn it!

I'm dead already, Peter.

You're looking at a dead man.

I might not even pull the cord at all.

(groans, whimpers)

Holy crap, this is awesome!

I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon!

(runners screaming)

I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin.

Peter, how did you do it?

I'll tell ya, Bob.

I just got in my car and drove it.

And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

Kids, have you seen your father?

(phone rings)


(air whooshing) PETER: Is dinner almost ready?!

Yes, Peter. God, where are you?

I can barely hear you.

Pull back my chair ever so slightly.

(sighs) Daddy's home.

All right, it's 4:59. In just a few seconds, all the unreturned library books will be officially late.

The wieners was already drawed in the books when I got 'em.

"Libra: A strange man will drop into your life." Hmm.

"Pisces: Be careful at work today."

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go...

Aw! He so shoulda died! This is bullcrap!

Stop smiling.

90% of the people playing this are pooping.

Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry?

I got, like, six parachutes in there.

Peter, those things are choking up the washing machine.

Oh, so now I got you a bad washing machine for Christmas.

Little tip, Stewie:

Love dies, and that's okay.

I write down all his advice in a little notebook.

Yesterday's was, "I've never seen a pigeon die

"from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?"

Peter, this skydiving thing has gotta stop.

You've destroyed half the neighborhood.

And I'm afraid you're gonna really hurt yourself.

I'm sorry, Lois.

But skydiving is who I am now.

It's like they say, fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and gay guys gotta criticize the host of the party behind his back.

Oh, my God, look, a bowl of M&M's.

What are we, six?

I know. And remind me to get the recipe for those chopped-up hot dogs.

(both laugh)

Oh, my God, Josh, this party is so amazing!

Everything is perfect! We're having so much fun!

Oh, thanks! I'm so glad you guys could make it!

Come on. He saw us. Let's go.

First time?

(nervously): Yeah. You?

(laughs) No. No, not my first time.

Thanks for the lift, Gil.

I think I'll take the express down.

(inhales deeply, sighs)

Ah, just as gorgeous as ever.

Actually puts me in the mind to write a spoken word poem.

Am I falling or am I flying?

Am I living or am I dying?

O, Great Spirit, free me from the bonds of gravity and criticism.

Deliver me from my greatest enemy.

His name is Peter.

More specifically, Peter's Shyness In Public.

O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such situa...?

Oh, (bleep) (bleep) the ground!

(gasps) Damn it!

The Eiffel Tower?

Oh, cool, I'm in Paris!

MAN: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt!

Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois.

You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and we did way too much Star Wars crap.

I should get the kids home. It's way past dinner.

What she really means is that it's shaky Mommy's white wine time.

Let's go, kids! Come on! We really gotta go, kids.

Let's go! Come on!

Excuse me. Now that your family is gone, would you mind if we turn on the TV?

Oh, hey. I didn't know anyone was here.

I, uh, I was just kidding when I told my family I loved 'em.

I am Mahmoud.

I'm Peter. You know, I never seen a hat like that before, so I'm very scared of it.

No, this is just a taqiyah.

It's a traditional Muslim prayer cap.

Oh. Hey, you know who'd look funny wearing one of those?

The Monopoly guy.

(laughs) Correct!

Go directly to jail and convert to Islam!

(laughs) 'Cause they do that!

(chuckles weakly) Yes, that is what I intended.

Hey, you're all right, Mahmoud.

You, too, Peter.

So, what do you wanna watch?

Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes.

(upbeat Middle Eastern music plays)


As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

So, how was the hospital, Peter?

Oh, my God, that place was incredible.

They have this one jar, whole thing was full of cotton balls.

It's amazing how far medical technology has come.

Well, sure is good to have you back.

Joe is, uh... (clears throat) chattier than you'd think he'd be when you're not here.

Look, I'm just saying if "pro" is the opposite of "con", what is the opposite of "progress"?

Think about it.

You know, I actually had a pretty good time in the hospital.

I even made a new friend. You did?

Yeah, his name's Mahmoud.

In fact, I told him to swing by if he had time.

It's "congress."

Hello, Peter!

Oh, hey! You made it! Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud.

Mahmoud, this is Brian, Quagmire and Joe.

Hello. Hi, there.

Hey, there. Hello. How are you?

Have a seat.

Any friend of Peter's is a friend of ours.

Hey, Mahmoud, you know, I'm actually glad you're here.

Settle an argument we were having earlier.

Which Spanish chick has better jugs:

Salma Hayek or the other one?

Oh, but I do not pay attention to such things.

I am married. What?

Okay, well, how about this, Mahmoud?

You know "progress" has the word "pro" in it, right?

Shut up, Joe!

Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink.

What are you having?

How about a ginger ale?

But if you'll excuse me, right now I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom.

Isn't he great?

No, he's weird.

Why'd he order a ginger ale?

And who the hell doesn't look at jugs?

Yeah, and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation.

Oh, I see what's going on.

You guys are uncomfortable with Mahmoud because he's Muslim.

What? What are you talking about?

This is your post-9/11 racism talking.

I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend.

You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles.

Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay?

So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks.

Italian guys talk with their hands a lot, Irish guys drink a lot, black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story.

So, how's Bernadette? She's all right.

She's taking interior design classes down at the community college.

I mean, she's good at haircutting and everything.

They gave her the chair right by the door.

But I guess now she wants to hang plates on the wall or whatever.

And you know she gained the weight back from the Lap-Band, right?

That Bernadette and her pie.

You know it, brother.

Okay, I'm gonna go eat this steak in the bathroom.

Thanks for getting dinner, man.

(house music thumping, blaring)

Wow, this place is really cool, Mahmoud.

It's like ear-bloodening sounds had sex with nose-bloodening smells and this is their baby.

I am glad you are enjoying yourself.

Would you like some of my meat fooshnoosh?

It's a chicken that has been yelled at for two hours and then run over by a Mercedes.

Mmm! Mmm! Oh!

You can really taste the fear in the chicken.

You know, Peter, a lot of people are not as accepting of Muslim culture as you are.

Well, I think everything about it is the best.

Like this hookah.

I mean, who doesn't want to sit around a table with a bunch of guys and suck on the same thing?

Mmm, it's like smoking my grandfather's jacket.

Man, I wish I could stay here all night, Mahmoud.

But I'm supposed to pick up the dry cleaning before it closes.

I killed a mouse with my tie.


I'll have my wife pick it up for you.

What? She'd do that?

Oh, absolutely.

I need you to run an errand for my friend Peter.

Of course.

Anything for you, husband.

That was amazing.

She just listened to everything you said.

Of course she listened.

In Muslim culture, wives are much more obedient.

No way! That's awesome!

So wait, let me get this straight:

Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout "Admiral Akbar" when I do stuff?

You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

Peter, where are you going?

And why are you dressed like that?

Well, Lois, I happen to be a Muslim now, which means I'll be spending a lot of my time in mostly-empty cafes, watching soccer on an eight-inch black-and-white TV.

Yes! The team I like is kicking it!

Oh no! The team I don't like is kicking it!

Yes! The team I like is kicking it again!

I will celebrate with finger cymbals.


Hey, is that for real, that-that "Diarrhea Only" sign on your bathroom?

Peter, this is my friend Omar.

He can teach you many things about our faith, including how to ululate.

What's that? It's this:

(rapidly trilling vocalization)

Oh, my God! That's terrifying.

I don't know if I'm ready for that.

No, Peter, it's okay.

Just sing the beginning of "La Bamba," but don't say the "La Bamba" part.

Oh, okay.

(rapidly trilling vocalization) Yes, good job!

You're doing it! ♪ Bamba.

Ooh, so close.

All right, Lois, I'm off to the bazaar.

What do you mean?

You mean the market?

Yeah, the bazaar.

Well, if you're going to the market, can you pick up some cereal, some butter, and a loaf of bread?

I'll see what they have.

All right, Lois.

Here's six cobras, a bolt of silk, and a ram's horn.

Peter, what the hell?

Hey, can you help me with the 20 paper bags of dates I got in the car?

Why the hell would you get 20 bags of dates?

The monkey in the little vest who was selling them happened to be very persuasive.

(sighs) You know what?


I'm just gonna assume this will pass, like your "everywhere is a racquetball court" phase.

(Peter gasping)

So, Mike, now that you've thoroughly kicked my butt all over the court, what do you say we take one quick second to talk about the Wichita account?

And let me assure you, my racquetball game is no indication of how we do business here at J.T. Stern.


Okay, zero serving zero.

I have to say, Peter, I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to Islam.

Are you kidding? It's awesome.

I even started wearing leather sandals with way-too-long toenails.

See how the big ones are getting yellow?

Ah, yes, very Muslim.

Listen, Peter, some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us.


I am so there!

Whose crappy van should we take?

Actually, we are meeting here.

Follow me.

Oh, hey, you guys.

Hey, is anyone gonna object if I pick my nose with a dagger?

Mahmoud, who is this man?

Why would you bring him here?

Do not worry. This is Peter.

He believes in our cause.

How can you be sure?

Give him the test.

Who is better?

Hulk Hogan or the Iron Sheik?

Um, the Iron Sheik?

Okay. He is one of us.

I told you.

Look at him, he is the perfect man to help us blow up the Quahog Bridge.

(makes car noises)

(imitates explosion)

Ah! Oh my God!

Everybody down!

(imitates gunfire)

So are these toys just, like, to take?

Hey, guys, what football team should I like?

Mahmoud says we all need to act like we're fans of American football so we seem less... b-buh... buhspicious.

What? What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Mahmoud.

You know, I actually feel really bad for him.

Did you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11?

I mean, what are the odds?

Peter, I think you joined a terrorist sleeper cell.

What?! That's crazy.

Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me.

He'll tell you.

(keypad beeping)

(explosion, glass shattering)

Damn phone's busted.

Maybe I dialed wrong.

(keypad beeping)

(explosion, people screaming)

Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud.

This is very serious.

Your friends are terrorists.

Think about it.

They're... they're meeting in secret, they're creating cover stories...

Oh, my God, you're right!

See, I told you Mahmoud was bad news!

Those guys are all bad news.

Hang on there, Quagmire.

Just because these few guys are terrorists doesn't mean all Muslims are.

Every ethnic group has their nut-jobs.

We have the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and even that fat guy at the Atlanta Olympics who didn't do it, but he looked mean, so we said he did.

Joe, you don't get to talk about the regular Olympics.

Well, I gotta go down there right now and tell Mahmoud we can't be friends anymore.

Wait a minute, Peter.

This could actually be an opportunity.

You're already in their group.

They trust you.

If you can find out what they're planning next, we might actually be able to stop an act of terror.

You'd be a hero.

Well, I... I could try.

I mean, I am a pretty good actor.

Remember how upset I seemed to get when Lois said she was leaving town with the kids for a few days?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna miss you guys so much.

Don't forget to call and let me know exactly when you'll be back.

Get out.

Okay, you're all set.

Remember, we'll be in the van listening to everything, so if anything goes wrong, we'll pull you right out of there.

Don't you worry, Joe.

I'll blend in like a chameleon in Courtney Love's crotch.

Oh my God!

Where did you just come from?

A very, very bad hiding place.

Okay, before we get started, I have an announcement from headquarters.

"No more shorts."

And this isn't coming from me, this is management.

This is about me, isn't it?

They don't name names.

They just say, "No more shorts," okay?

All right, this is our target.

The Quahog Bridge.

We loaded a van with explosives, which we will drive to the bridge and...

Wait a minute-- explosives?

Is this not improv class?


Is... is this improv?

Are you doing improv?

No. Now get out that door!

The real door!

Yes, I have a question:

When exactly are we doing the bombing?

The attack will happen tomorrow during afternoon rush hour.

And that's actually where you come in, Peter.

In order to get past the checkpoint at the toll plaza, we will need an American behind the wheel to arouse the least amount of suspicion.

Sorry, can you repeat all that?

I just had an itch right by my microphone.


He's wearing a wire!

Hey, Joe, can I ask you a question?

Can you fart? Oh, of course I can.

I've got a button for it right here.


Aw, cool!

(Peter whimpering)

Hold on. Oh, no!

It sounds like they found Peter's wire!

Change of plans.

The attack happens now.

Now drive.

Man, I never thought it would end like this.

Why, what did you imagine?

Basically the same thing, only Nathan Lane.

♪ Now, drive!

Okay, you're good to go.

Pull over up here.

Please, Mahmoud, don't do this.

It is too late.

The job must be done.

Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America.

We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburnt, freckled fat guy.

A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations.

A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting.

And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat.

We're the proud nation where someone can shoot up their entire workplace with a thing, and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing.

It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word "their" any way they want.

And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated.

For we... are America.

You will not convince me.

America must pay for its sins!

Hold it right there!

Mahmoud, you're under arrest.

Look, Joe, I drove a van.

Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're okay.

Oh, me too, Lois.

That was some pretty rough stuff.

You... you didn't cry, did you?

Well, I mean, I went through an awful lot.

Peter, if you cried, we are done.

Great job, Peter.

Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion.

So what happens next, do those guys all get trials?

Well, you know... (mumbling)

(sighs) It's a long... it's the process, and... whatever.

Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at the Clam?

That's a great idea.

Yeah, I think we could all use a drink.

Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready.

Peter, did you just... Let's go, let's go, let's go...