Family Guy S11E18 Script

Total Recall (2013)

Peter, come on, it's time to wake up.

You got to get to work.

(deep voice): Uh, Lois, I ain't feeling good.

Peter, what happened to your voice?

It-It's so deep.

I think I'm sick.

Well, you don't sound like yourself.

In fact, you sound kind of hot.

I just threw up two chicken gyros out my nose.

They're on your side of the bed.

Oh, say that again.


But I want you to keep talking to me in that sexy voice while we do it.

Okay great. Let's pretend you're a tollbooth worker and I'm molesting you.


I don't have any change.

Now take off that parka.


You're gonna have to pay a high to if you want to get into this tunnel.

Come on, don't say stuff like that.

I want you to be scared, not make puns.

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey, hey

♪ Hey, hey, hey.

Good afternoon, I'm Tom Tucker.

For those of you who turned out to see my stand-up comedy debut at Zany's last night, I again apologize for what I said about Moroccans.

But today's breaking news is that the New England Toy and Game Company has issued an immediate recall of all of its stuffed bears, like the one shown here.

The bear's eyes can become easily detached and pose a potential choking hazard.

Oh, my God, that's the same teddy bear Stewie has.

We got to send that thing back right away.

Boy, I wonder if there's anything more on Channel Two about this.

Our top story, Channel Five News anchor, Tom Tucker, has a meltdown at a local comedy club.

Look at you, you fat, gross Moroccans with your ooga-booga food.


Oh, my God, that was amazing.

I'm gonna have to crawl to the bathroom.

(deep voice): Yeah, that was incredible.

It was the first time I had an orgasm out the front and back.

God, Peter, this voice of yours is really something.

Oh, I can't get enough of it.

Yeah, it's been pretty great.

You know, I even won a deep voice contest with Joe yesterday.

(doorbell rings)

I heard you coming.

I made myself heard.

Where have you come from?

I've come from where I've been.

You still riding with that mangy polecat Fletcher?

Fletcher met the long arm of the law at the wrong end of a shotgun and the deep end of a grave at the far end of a dead-end road.


Well, I should probably get going.

Me, Joe and Quagmire are going bowling again.

We got a big tournament coming up next week.

Well, hurry back, handsome.

Oh, Peter, this is so much fun.

I feel like I have a secret lover nobody else knows about.

Just like Carly Simon.

Ms. Simon, enough years have gone by since you wrote your classic hit, "You're So Vain."

Don't you think it's time to tell the world who that song was written about?

No. That will always be a secret between me and him.

♪ You're so vain

♪ You probably think this song is about you ♪

♪ You're so vain ♪ You're so vain.

Come on, Rupert, let's go.

This is the first day we're allowed to the end of the driveway, and I intend to take full advantage.



Hey, what's going on?

Brian, I can't find Rupert anywhere.

Have you seen him?

Oh, I thought Lois would've told you.

She sent him back to the factory.

What? Why?!

She was afraid he was gonna choke you.

Oh, that was a game we played.

Believe me, I was in control the whole time.

No, the company issued a recall.

But don't worry, they sent a replacement.

Here, the guy just delivered it.


What the hell is this?

What? Come on, he's a cute little giraffe.

Maybe you could call him, like, Gizmo or something.

Oh, look, he can fly.


I hate him.

His mouth is always open like P. Diddy.

Well, what do you mean?

You ever notice how in every photo of P. Diddy, his mouth is hanging open?

Well, actually, Diddy hired a guy to close his mouth for him.

I'm telling you, this kid is the next Justin Bieber.

Young girls love him, but he makes real music that...

Sorry I'm late.


(normal voice): Good morning, Lois!

How's it going, Brian?

Peter, what happened to your voice?

(chuckles): Oh, ho, ho.

You know what happened, you sexy minx.

My white blood cells attacked the pathogens and created antibodies, and then the pathogens were filtered out by my kidneys into my urine and then expelled from my body, you slut.

Peter, not now.

What the hell, Lois?

Yesterday you were all over me.

And then, for a confusing period, inside of me.

I had no control over what I did yesterday, Peter.

I mean, I'm glad you're feeling better, but, boy, that sick voice of yours was hot.

Damn it, this sucks, Brian.

I was getting laid left and right.

Yeah, sounds like being sick was really working for you.

Well, you know what I got to do?

I got to make myself sick again and get that voice back.

Peter, that might be the worst idea anyone has ever had.

Well, you're wrong there.

The worst idea anyone ever had was silver bullets.

Barbara Liebowitz's husband just bought her a diamond brooch.

You know how he afforded that?

He uses regular bullets.

He uses regular bullets.

Meg, have you seen Dad?

Yeah, he's at the dentist.

He's trying to get sick.

(drill whirring)

Okay, go ahead and spit.

It's okay, go ahead.

All right, Chris, I figured out a great way to get sick.

I'm gonna be a woman at work who cannot get sick right now.


Sweetie, maybe you need to go home.

I'm not going home.

I cannot get sick right now.

I have way too much to do.

It's okay, everyone will understand.

No. I cannot get sick right now.

There's Kendra's birthday and the baby shower, and with this move, I-I just cannot get sick right now.

I have to finish typing this... typing this...


That's it; I'm taking you home.


You did this to me!

(cameras clicking)

Miss Lohan! Lindsay!

Over here, Lindsay!

Excuse me, which one was Lindsay Lohan's dessert fork?

I think it was that one.

Give me cocaine!

TV ANNOUNCER: The History Channel presents Where in World War Two is Waldo?

(gunfire, explosions)

(weakly): Do I sound sexy?

Tell me I sound sexy.

Peter, what the hell? You look terrible.

Clear off the couch, kids.

I'm gonna do your mother right here.

Oh, my God, Peter!

Oh, I'm leaving.

I cannot get sick right now.

Dr. Hartman, is Peter gonna be okay?

(groans) If one more person asks me about a patient today, I'm gonna scream.

What time is it?

Peter, what are you doing?

Get back in bed.

I can't, Lois.

I got the bowling tournament this afternoon.

Quagmire and Joe are counting on me.

Forget about bowling, Peter.

You're very sick.

You're not going anywhere.

But if I don't go, we'll have to forfeit.

I'm sorry, but you need to stay here and get better.

Well, then, you're gonna have to bowl for me.


Peter, I haven't bowled since college.

Please, you got to do me this favor, Lois.

You owe me from when I took you to see Shakespeare in the Park, even though it was the part of the park where the gay guys go to have sex.

To be, or not to be...

MAN: Aah!

MAN 2: Aah! Right there!

Ignore that; that's not part of the play.

That is the question.

Whether 'tis nobler...

MAN: This isn't love, by the way.

Brian, get your keys.

I need you to drive me to that toy factory so I can get Rupert back.

Stewie, Lois sent him back 'cause he's not safe.

But, Brian, I miss him!

Without Rupert, I...

Are you watching porn in the kitchen?

Come on, man, we eat in here.

Anyway, I need you to drive me to Middleborough.

Middleborough? That's, like, two hours from here.

I'm not doing that. Come on, Brian.

Tell you what, you drive me to Middleborough, and I'll teach you my secret to picking up chicks.


You-me, ba-boom, huh?

Thanks for filling in for Peter, Lois.

Yeah, okay, but I hope you brought it today, 'cause this ain't no ladies' lunch.

Well, I'll certainly do the best I can.

But don't worry, Glenn, I'm one woman who knows a thing or two about sports.

Yeah, I know you think you are.

Your softball chatter made that quite clear.

Okay, that's two down, guys, two outs.

Two out of the three outs required.

Okay, guys, let's go.

Tom Brady is a quarterback.

Okay, heads up, two down.

College football is on Saturday.

Okay, come on, look alive.

NBA players are predominantly black.

Oh, hi, Lois.

What are you doing here?

I'm filling in for Peter.

He's sick.

All right, finally a little harpoon in the bowling alley.

All right, what do you say we get this thing started, huh?


(whoops) Nice roll, Lois!

My God.

If she chews gum, she's got the whole package.

Yes! That's what I'm talking about!

Take that, you jagoffs!

I hope you die!

God, Quagmire gets so competitive with sports.

Hey, Quagmire, it's just a game.

Ta it kesy.

I'm not gonna take it easy!

These guys are going down!

You're going down in front of all these people!

All right, Lois, it's all up to you.

We only need six to beat the Pinheads.

And it would be four if someone could've hit that seven-ten split, right?

(mumbling): Joe!

Joe, Joey, Joey, Joey, Joe, Joey, Joe!


Yes! Yeah!

Yeah! We did it!

Oh, what's this? What's this?

It says right here we won!

We won, you dicks! You suck!

Um, excuse me, would you mind keeping it down?

We're having my son's birthday party over here.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure, honey.

What's his name? Mikey.

Happy (bleep) birthday, Mikey!


Well, this is great.

So when you guys aren't celebrating a big bowling victory, what do you normally do here?

Uh, well, sometimes we compare women.

Talk about who we'd rather have sex with.

Oh, that sounds fun.

How do you play?

Well, it's like, um--

Okay, who would you rather do, Kristen Stewart or Scarlett Johansson?

Oh, definitely Scarlett Johansson.

For one thing, there's the boobs, which Kristen Stewart does not have.

Also, I get the sense that Kristen Stewart is more of a bath person when she really needs a shower.

She does seem kind of dirty.

Yeah, someone should write "wash me" in the dust on that flat ass.

Ha! Ho-ho!

Move over funnyman Richard Lewis.

We got Richard Lois!

Well, here we are. great. Hey, may on the ride home, someone else can tell a story.

So what exactly is your plan here?

I've got it all figured out, Brian.

This tour will take us deep into the factory, and when the time is right, we'll slip away and find Rupert.

Does anyone have any questions so far?

Who's that up there?

Oh, that's our gunman.

Every once in a while, one of our toys becomes real, and we have to make sure it doesn't get out.


(gasps) Brian, look! That must be where Rupert is!


Rupert! My God, you're all right!

Oh, you missed so much!

I had to deliver a speech to Britain, and I overcame my stutter through some pretty kooky means.

Brian, don't say anything.

Uh, Stewie?

Oh, crap.

This is not the way out! This is not the way out!

Hey, Horace, get that wiener out of your hand and give us three more beers over here!

(laughs) Lois, you're always giving me the business.


Hey, I meant to tell you guys.

We shot some drug dealer this morning, and he had three Red Sox tickets in his pocket.

That's awesome!

Oh, this'll be so fun!

You know, if we leave right now, we can probably still get there before the first pitch.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, hey, Peter. How's it going?

Peter, it's so good to see you up and around!

Yeah, how ya feeling?

I'm feeling shipshape.

If the ship is the S.S. Minnow!

Doctor said I'd be making bland jokes for about a week, then I'd be good as new.

Ah, that's good to hear.

Well, we were just on our way up to Fenway.

Aw, you got tickets? That's sweet.

You know, there's no better outing than watching nine innings.


Sorry, I'll perk up at the game.

Oh, well, actually, we only have three tickets, and we're going with Lois.

With Lois?

Oh, yeah, we've actually been having a great time with her.

And she's quite a bowler, too.

Is that all right, Peter?

Do you mind if I go to the game with the guys?

Yeah, no, that's, that's fine.

I mean, yeah, you only got three tickets.

I mean, that's cool. Have fun.

Okay, we'll see you later.

(sighs) Hey, Horace, why don't you take that wiener out of your hand and get me a beer.

Don't talk to me that way, you son of a bitch!

Oh, hey, Peter!

Oh, hey.

Did you have fun at the game?

Oh, yeah, it was so exciting.

They scored the winning hit right at the buzzer.

I'm sorry you missed it.

Yeah, no, th-that's okay.

I've just been hanging out here having a great time with...

Meg?! Hey.

I thought you was a bag of peeling potatoes.

Well, maybe next time you can come with us when we go to Red Sock Field.

Nobody calls it that.

Quags and Swanny were so funny yelling things at the visitors.

Quags and Swanny?!

Lois, it's one thing to steal my friends, but don't go giving them stupid new nicknames.

What are you talking about?

I didn't steal your friends, Peter.

I'm only doing what you asked me to do.

No, I asked you to take my place at the bowling tournament, that's it!

Look, Lois, I have my friends, and you have groceries and all those rusty pink razors in the shower.

Now just stick to what's intended for you and leave my things to me.

Are you saying you want me to stop hanging out with Joe and Quagmire?

They're my friends. They're all I got!

And you know how hard it is for me to make new friends.

Is this friends?

Stewie, we're never gonna find him.

They're all exactly the same.

Wow. I wish you could hear how racist you sound right now.

Come on. Can't you give that giraffe at home another chance?

You know, for every one they sell, they save a giraffe in the wild.


MAN: Sorry, giraffes! They only bought one!

Nah, they returned it!

And so Lois sweet-talks her way backstage.

Next thing you know, we're partying all night with the trapeze people!

One of them drives a Volvo!

Drives a super-safe car, does that for a living!

Go figure!


So what? She can name a kind of car.

Big whoop. I can do that, too.


Vikki Carr.

Peter, relax. It just happens that your wife has some funny stories, that's all.

Well, I got some funny stories.

I knew a guy who choked on an almond.

And he had a stroke.

Now he can't take care of his own bathroom needs.


That's not funny. That sounds sad.

Yeah, I feel bad for him.

Oh, don't feel bad for him.

He got his name in the paper.

What? (laughs)

(sobbing): Please look at me!

What the hell's wrong with you, Peter?

Nothing. What the hell's wrong with you, Swanny?

I'm Quags.

(sobbing): I don't know who any of you are anymore!

Oh, he's really upset.

I haven't seen him like this since he saw that Rocky Dennis movie.

Take off the mask! That's your problem!


That's it, Brian. He's not here.

None of these bears are Rupert.


(sighs) You don't have to say it, Brian. I know.

So this is what it feels like to be a grown-up, huh?

All alone in the world.

Look, Stewie, nothing lasts forever.

You and Rupert had some special times together, and you'll always have that.


What the deuce? What's that noise?

I don't know.

Oh, my God! Brian, look!

That's him! That's Rupert!

How do you know?

You can't hear him calling me?

He's calling me, clear as day!

Ah. Yeah, now I hear him.

Rupert, yes, we're here to rescue you!

Stewie, wait! It's too dangerous!

I won't let it end like this, Brian!

Don't you give up on me, Rupert!

Hang on, Stewie! Maybe I can help!

Maybe I can use this helicopter to knock Rupert off the conveyor belt...

Ah! Son of a bitch!

Recall room, Brian. Nothing works in here.

Now come on! Rupert's in trouble!

Okay, I'm coming, I'm coming.


Almost there. You can do this, Stewie.

(toy squeaks)

Damn it!

Brian, do something!

(gears grinding)


Oh, Rupert! Thank God, you're alive!

I'm... I'm ready now.

I'm ready to get off the pill.

I think we should start trying.

Look, Peter, I think there's something we should talk about.

I'm not reading the last page of that dinosaur book.

I know something bad happens to 'em.

No, Peter, we need to talk about this situation with the guys.

Look, of course I like hanging out with Joe and Quagmire.

But I like hanging out with you more.

I mean, it's nice to make new friends, but not if it means losing the best friend I've ever had.

Yeah, well, I was probably kind of a jerk, too.

I guess I shouldn't be telling you who you can and can't be friends with.


Hey, you guys want to go with me and Joe to the roller derby?

It's great. You get to see big, husky chicks elbow each other right in the jugs.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Yeah, and I'm bringing my grill so we can eat corn in the parking lot before we go in.

What do you say? Who's in?

Sounds great!

Yeah, that'll be really...

You know what, you guys?

I think I'm gonna just stay in tonight.

I got a huge stack of coupons to go through.

Plus, I'm planning on having my period really hard later, and I want to be in the tub when it happens.

You what?! Gross.

Oh, I get it.

Guys, I think Lois is getting a visit from her Aunt Period.

Yeah, and lots of other chick stuff you guys wouldn't be interested in.

Peter, go have fun with your friends.

Thanks, Lois.

Oh, hey, Brian. Where have you been?

Oh, just reuniting some old friends.

Huh. Me, too.

Feels good, doesn't it?

Sure does.

I love you, Rupert.

Don't you ever leave me again.

(sighs, choking)

Mom, Stewie's dead!

[ sirens blaring ]

[ buzzer sounds ]

[ gasps ]