Family Guy S11E19 Script

Save the Clam (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

All right, Drunken Clammers, this is it, the most important game of the season.

Now, is everybody drunk? (others react affirmatively)

Completely. Okay, good.

And did nobody warm up? (others react affirmatively)

Good. 'Cause there's nothing an unstretched middle-aged body likes more than explosive movements.

Now remember, we're here to impress the girlfriends of guys we barely know, so when you get the ball, throw it like a cannon.

You must throw your arm out on every play.

Any other softball-related questions?

Yeah, I got a question:

Can we leave our bad-for-the-environment Styrofoam coolers behind when we leave?

Yes, you must leave them behind, and they must be in a crumbly mess so that the city clean-up workers have to chase the little bits when the wind blows.

You know, Stewie, this is actually a good park.

I've found a lot of old tennis balls here.

Eh, I don't care for this place.

Last time I was here, I accidentally walked into a Spanish picnic.

Excuse me, has anyone seen a toy car around here?

Ooh. Es baby.

I make beautiful.

(clippers buzzing)

Don't get any ideas about Julio.

I'm his number one.

Here comes Goldman's Pharmacy.

Hey, Goldman's Pharmacy!

Can you fill out a prescription for us for diarrhea?

We're about to get the runs!

(others laugh)

Oh, yeah? Well, speaking of things that are brown and can run, meet our new teammate!

Holy crap. They got a ringer.

What the hell? Jerome's on your team?

That's right. We got to know each other while I was following him around my store.

What's up, fools? I'd like to dedicate my performance today to Miss Whitney Houston.

Oh, we are (bleep).

Come on, Jerome!

Get a hit so I can bring a sports trophy home for my parents!

Jeffrey Lipsitz has two soccerals!ed I can't play soccer-- I have newborn-calf ankles!

You know this, damn it!

I'm gonna tear the cover off this ball.

But, hang on, first I got to adjust myself.

Are you having a nice morning, dear?

Oh, yes, I love living here, in the next town over.

All right, chick batter!

Everyone bring it in!

Bring it on in!

Get a hit, babe!

(deep voice): You know it, babe.

All right, move it back! Move it back!

Peter, why do you look so nervous?

I promised a kid in the hospital I'd hit a home run for him.

Sorry, I struck out looking.

Wait, you're not the kid I promised.

No, he died last night.

Oh, phew.

All right, guys, one more out and the game is ours.

Come on, Horace! Strike him out!

(crowd gasps)


Horace! You okay?

Oh, my God! He's really hurt bad!

You're out of the baseline, by the way.

You're out. Game's over.

But, oh, my God, Horace is really hurt.

He's dead.

(all gasp, murmur)

Let him rest in peace.

(sighs) Let's put some leaves on him and go get some ice cream.

I can't believe Horace is dead.

I can't believe we left Brian in the car with the windows up.

I'm gonna pee!

Listen, I just feel awful about this.

Horace was a good bartender and a good guy.

I wish there was something I could do.

Well, we know you didn't mean it, Jerome.

It's just a terrible situation.

Like when you're the only one at the table where the waiter doesn't say, "Good order."

I'll have the halibut. Ah, great choice.

One of the chef's specialties; you'll love it.

It was caught fresh less than ten miles from here.

I'll have the New York strip steak.

Mmm! My absolute favorite dish here.

It is a spectacular cut, superbly seasoned and the marbling is some of the best I've ever seen.

And I'll have the chicken.


Good afternoon.

I'd just like to say that... before today, I didn't know the Munsters were driving around in a funeral car.

I'm beginning to think everything on that show was a big joke.

(inhales deeply)

(voice quavering): I'd, um... I'd just like...


Whe... When you lose...

(stifled sobs)

(sniffles, exhales)

(high-pitched): Um, there's so... There's so mu...

(exhales) There's so much...


I... I...


Thank you, Quagmire.

Perhaps there are some men who would like to say a few words.

Horace owned the Clam for over 30 years.

During that time, he touched all of our lives.

He was a great bartender and a great friend.

And so let us take a look back on his life through this video commemorating all the DUI's that he was responsible for.

♪ I will remember you

♪ Will you remember me?

♪ Don't let your life

♪ Pass you by E.T.: Ouch.

Is there a bathroom in here?

I've been yo-yoing a turd for the last 20 minutes.

(gasps) Oh, sorry.

I was looking for the bathroom.

I shouldn't have left the door open.

Sorry if you're grossed out by this.

No. No, no, I'm just... not used to seeing corpses that big and not in a toilet.

Oh, here, let me help you with that.


There you go.

Now you're all set for your big day.

Thanks. You know, I could use some part-time help here preparing the bodies, if you're interested.

Really? Yeah, that'd-that'd be great.

I could use the money, and I'm getting kind of tired of my old job.

ANNOUNCER: Only a half a point divides our top two competitors as we enter the last event, the Meg Roll.

You think it's cool to go drinking right after Horace's funeral?

Of course. It's what he would've wanted.

Listen, we all got to move on.

Like the Secret Service did on November 23, 1963.

All right, guys, I know that yesterday was a rough one for us.

But it's with great pride that I'm gonna turn this zero into a one.

All right!

Nichols, you should go home and change.

What the hell? Hey, pal, what're you doing?

This is our bar.

Not anymore.

Horace owed more than this place is worth, so it's the bank's now.

I'm sorry but The Drunken Clam is permanently closed.


PETER: That was the start of the dark times.

The banks took our bars, our businesses and then our homes.

A change had to be made.

A change only one man could make.

I am the Wind Maker...

...and I shoot monkeys now.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Joanie Loves Chris Brown.

(indistinct chatter)

Joanie! Chris!

Welcome to the party. Can I offer you some punch?

No, thanks. I had some in the car.

ANNOUNCER: Joanie Loves Chris Brown was taped in front of a very uncomfortable studio audience.

Man, it really sucks they closed down the Clam.

Yeah, but I... I mean, this is good, right?

I mean, as long as we got a place to drink and a restroom for businessmen to have homosexual encounters.

Hey, thanks for the sex.

Thank you for notarizing those documents.

Peter, what's going on down here?

Why are there beer bottles all over the floor?

Well, we needed a new spot to drink, Lois.

Forget it, Peter.

You're not turning our living room into a bar.

Oh, come on, Lois, we got to have a place to drink.

Drinking is the only thing holding this friendship together.

Everything we try to do sober just ends badly.

I just don't think a good way to start a screenplay is, "400 years ago in Bethesda, Maryland."

Yeah, and don't you think it's confusing that every character in the movie is named Movie Guy? Come on, you guys.

The Oscars are next week, so let's get this done.

Meg, I'm needed upstairs, so I'll let you finish up.

Just put some blush here and here.

It makes the eyes look a little less dead and hollow.

Wow, that really works.

Hmm. Maybe I'll try that on myself.

Oh, uh... you have what we call a "closed casket face."

Hey, Meg, who's your date?

He looks like a real stiff. (laughs)

Chris, what the hell are you doing here?

I told you not to bother me at work.

I got locked out of the house, and I need your key.

No way! You get to work with all these dead people?

Hey, look, this guy's picking his nose.


Look, now he's eating it!

Chris! Knock it off!

You're gonna get me in trouble!

Meg, they're dead.

Would you stop being so uptight?

You're like one of those Asian-Americans who fought in Vietnam.


Oh, it's just me.

Peter, I thought you were taking us to a new drinking spot.

What are we doing at the Clam? Look, guys, we tried other bars, we tried drinking at home, we even tried the big end-of-the-year high school party that will change everything.

If we don't lose our virginity tonight, we're never gonna make it in college!

Hey, where's Peter?

Only talking to Amanda Small, the hottest girl in school.

But aren't you going out with Joanne Fuller?

JoJo? No, she's my neighbor. I've known her forever.

She works at her dad's garage.

She's practically a guy.

(gasps) JoJo?!

♪ Looking from a window above... ♪ Hi, Peter.

But I thought you was workin' on your garbage sculpture.

There was someone I had to see first.

Sorry, Amanda. By the law of '80s movies, a newly transformed tomboy supersedes your long-standing hotness.

♪ And all I ever knew

♪ Only you...

Let's face it-- there's only one drinking spot for us, and it's the Clam. But, Peter, it's closed.

We can't go in there.

Quagmire, when a girl says she doesn't want to have sex with you, do you take that as an answer?

My lawyer has advised me not to answer that question.

Look, I bet you could squeeze through that window.

(garbage can clatters)

(window creaks)

It's not even locked.

And all the booze is still in there.

Come on, guys, this is trespassing and it's against the law.

Maybe we should just let the Clam go and, I don't know, spend more time with our families.

Yeah, I tried that.

I just spend most of the time testing Chris to see if he's autistic.

(screams): No!

(groaning, whimpering)

Not overly affectionate.

Guys, this is where we belong.

Yeah, no question about that.

Yeah, we got roots here.

We've been coming to this place for 15 years.

Our roots go back further than that.

My grandfather used to bring me here when I was a kid.

And his grandfather brought him here.

Good day, gentlemen!

Welcome to the Drunken Clam!

Can I get you boys a mug of stout?

Why, certainly.

This is a bully establishment you've got here.

The doors are a little short, but that's okay, because we're smaller back now.

To the Clam!

ALL: Hear, hear!

And to brain-damaging venereal disease.

I wake up with blood on my penis pillow.

I'm gonna go insane in a wheelchair, staring at the sea.

(slurring): This is everything about.. if it's the Clam, I love it.


(slurring): I was just gonna... that's exactly.

Hey, uh, remember... remember-remember when... remember when... remember when Quicktime here passed out in this... in this booth... this booth, and we did stuff to him that you do to ladies and we-we promised we'd never tell you.


To the Clam!

Joe, you-- wha... your hair looks stupid.

All... all the greatest... all the greatest moments of my life, I spent right here in-in this booth.

Maggie's first word.

Bart jumping that canyon.

Mr. Plow.

All the greatest moments of my life.

Why is... why is Label Guy trying to punch me?

(grumbles) Punch you first, Label Guy.

I got to go pee.

(mumbles): I don't want to get up.

Joe, where's the... that thing?

Where's the thing? Where's the catheter thing?

No, it's mine, it's private.

Hey, what happens if I blow in this end?

Don't, I'll 'splode.

I'm gonna.

You do it better than Bonnie.

It takes a man to know what a man likes.

Meg, the Dougan family called and they now want Mr. Dougan in a gray suit for the wake tomorrow.

'Cause it so matters.

Could you change his suit, please?

Sure. I'll be back in a bit.

(casket lid creaks)

Oh... my... God!

All right, Chris, where is it?

And don't try to act like you don't know what I'm talking about.

Fine, you caught me.

So I borrowed your bra.

My boobs hurt when I go down the stairs!

No, not that, you idiot.

Where is the dead body?

I know you took it.

And don't lie, or I'll tell Jennifer Connelly that you're the one who's been mailing her those dog heads.

Uh, yes, I'd like to mail this to a whore.

Okay, fine, Meg!

I used the body to get me into R-rated movies.

After that, I took him swimming and he fell apart.

Chris, Mr. Dougan's wake is tomorrow, and there's going to be a body in that casket.

If it's not his, it's going to be yours.

Hey, guys, what's goin' on?

And no one says anything, which means they hate it.

Oh, God.

I am so hung over.

(groans): Me, too.

But luckily, when I'm hung over, I can just molt into another Peter.


Wow, that's amazing.

Yeah, but for the next ten minutes, I'll be very vulnerable to predators.


(gasps) Mountain lion.

Make yourself look big!


(engines rumbling)

What the hell?

There's a bunch of bulldozers out there.

(engines rumbling)

Hold it, hold it! What-what's going on?

We're here to demolish this building by order of the bank.

Like hell you are!

Wh-What are you talking about, Peter?

We ain't goin' nowhere.

This bar belongs to us.

(ice cream truck chiming)

(gasps) Ice cream truck!

You didn't get any ice cream?

The ice cream man was handsome.

I got nervous.

We interrupt this program for a Channel Five breaking news report.

Three local men have barricaded themselves inside a Quahog bar, and are currently in a standoff with authorities.

We now go live to Joyce Kinney, who attended her sister's wedding last night.

Thanks, Tom.

One of the suspects has been identified as Peter Griffin.

But the real story is, I'd be married, too, if I were willing to date a Persian.

Guys, they found him.

Don't bother with the posters.

My God, what is Peter thinking?!

Yes, he's crazy as a serial killer.

All right, what do you want for your last meal?

Uh, I think I'll just have a salad.

Dressing on the side.

I had a huge last lunch.

All right, listen up in there!

Let's not make this any harder than it has to be.

We have a lot of dumb cops here.

Guys, this is crazy.

Plus, I'm a cop.

I can't be a part of this.

Come on, Joe, this is our bar.

It's where the three of us made that suicide pact that Quagmire and I are gonna back out of at the last minute.

I'm sorry, guys, but it's my job.

I got a family to support.

That jerk!

How could he desert us?

Relax, Quagmire, he's just doing his job.

You'll forgive him.

Just like Kathleen Turner forgave her mirror.


Turns out you were right about me.

LOIS: Officer, wait!

I'm his wife; give me that bullhorn.

Peter, you get out here right now, or else I'm throwing away all of your Mr. Potato Heads, I swear.

It's okay, she only knows where the decoys are.

Swanson, there you are.

Listen, you hang out at this dump.

I want you to go in there and end this thing.

I'll do my best, sir.

PETER: This is our bar.

It's the cornerstone of our friendship.

TIM GUNN: Joe, this is Tim Gunn.

I agree with your friend.

I got to get that guy out of my head.

Look, they're sending Joe in.

All right, listen up, fellas.

Joe, wait, put your gun down.

There's no point in fighting anymore.

We'll leave quietly.

Like hell you will.

This is our Clam, and we are not gonna let them take it.

Yay! All right! All right! Yeah!

We love Joe!

Swanson, what the hell's going on in here?

I'm sorry, Chief.

I just can't let them bulldoze this building.

Hey, Joe, is this the same chief whose wife is a real hog?

Swanson, don't be a fool.

You really want to throw away your career on this?

Guys, your bar is gone.

And since it's bank property, I have no choice but to place you all under arrest.

JEROME: It ain't bank property no more.

Jerome?! What are you doing here?

Listen, it's kind of all my fault this happened in the first place.

I'm responsible for Horace's death.

Plus, as a former athlete, it's my responsibility to invest my earnings in a restaurant, bar, or car dealership.

What sport did you play?


Which is also my brother's name.

Look, I felt bad about what I did to Horace.

So, when I heard on the news that they were tearing down his bar, I saw buying it as a way to carry on Horace's legacy.

So I own the Clam now.

Chief, you can call off your cops.

And you can send those bulldozers home.

Yay, the Clam is saved!

(cheering) Yeah! All right.

We pulled it off, guys.

Oh, thank God.

And all because I believed in myself like Pop-Pop always said.

Please give me rat poison, I want only to die.

No, we did it, Pop-Pop.

Meg, the family is here for Mr. Dougan's wake, so could you please bring in the body?

Meg, I'm not doing this.

You have to, Chris.

Siblings have to look out for each other.

Like the Mannings.

Eli, you threw for three touchdowns today, which isn't bad, except Peyton had four.

Well, Cooper got pre-approved for a Visa card today.

Come on, guys, we all had a good day.

Stop it.

I have an itch.

I don't care.

Dead people don't scratch their balls.

Well, I can't help it.

It's these damn wool pants.

I'm going bananas.

If I can't scratch them, you have to.


Just, uh, straightening out his pants a little.

CHRIS: Oh, yeah... yeah, that's good.

Scratch it. Scratch it.

Oh, thank you.

Hello, I'm Helen Dougan.

My husband had filled out an organ donor card before he passed away, and a woman just lost her face in a freak accident.

Meg, though you cannot tell, I am frowning.

Wow, Jerome, the place looks great.

Yeah, look at you, owning a bar.

You guys are doing pretty good.

First you get to run Somalia, now this.

Well, it sure is good to be back in the old Clam.

Hey, there's some guys sitting in our booth.

Maybe we should tell them it's our booth.

Uh-huh. Or we could just sit on the floor, next to these garbage cans.