Family Guy S11E20 Script

Farmer Guy (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Germany's favorite talk show, Das Ist Gut.

Dad, what is this show?

I don't know. It's just a German guy listing items and then declaring them good.

Wilkommen! Where are we?

AUDIENCE: Das! Ist! Gut!

Okay, sunsets. Das ist gut.

AUDIENCE: Ja. (applause)

Sauerkraut. Das ist gut.

(laughter, applause)

The autobahn. Vroom vroom! Das ist gut.


Oompa music. Das ist gut.

(laughter, applause)

Euthanasia for the mentally feeble.

Das ist gut.

(audience murmuring)

GERMAN ANNOUNCER: Das Ist Gut is filmed before an audience of the mentally feeble.

(rapid gunfire, screaming)

God, I wish I could get tickets to that show.

ANNOUNCER: We interrupt this program to bring you a Channel Five News special report.

Good evening. I'm Joyce Kinney with this special report.

The latest police statistics have revealed a significant rise in crime throughout Quahog.

That's right, Joyce.

And just to put it out there, Tom Tucker is packin'.

I drive a 2006 Infiniti, and I don't intend to lose it.

So come and get some, punks.

An increase in crime?

That can't be right.

I haven't noticed anything like that.

You're in the house 14 hours a day. What would you notice?

Well, I hate to admit it, Lois, but over the last couple of years, this town has changed a lot, a not necessarily for the better.

Yeah, I mean, the other day, I left a doodie right in the middle of a Crate and Barrel.

Came back 45 minutes later, it was gone.

Yeah, even school's getting more dangerous.

The bullies have been so busy, they're outsourcing their bullying to India.

MAN (Indian accent): Okay, do you see the back of your underwear in the mirror?


Okay, I want you to pull it up as high as you can.

Well, I disagree with you guys.

I think Quahog is still pretty great.

You know, it's hard for me to take the things you say seriously when I know what's been in that mouth of yours.

Look, I realize Quahog isn't the small town it used to be, but it's still very special to me.

It's my home.

Yeah, come on, guys, she's got dyed roots in this community.

Lois, I know you love this town, but nothing is ever as innocent as it seems.


Attaboy, Ope.

(crickets chirping)

Give me all your money!

Okay, okay!

You have a white wallet?

Yeah, just like Truman Capote.

Who's Truman Capote?

What a surprise!

The mugger's never heard of Truman Capote.

There's a library card in there! Use it!

(crowd chattering, seals squeaking)

And now, let's meet our star!

Give a warm Quahog Oceanland welcome to Bojangles!

All the fish in the bucket now!

Not one fish at a time as a reward! All of them!

Okay, okay, take it easy.

Okay, the one thing you don't want to do is tell me to take it easy.

Now do that thing where you rub my belly!

I really like that!

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, now I'm gonna balance a ball on your face.

One more push.


There we go! It's a boy!

And he's got a gun!

(two gunshots)


Well, you guys, we did it.

We finally went to a restaurant without somebody yelling at us, and then the rest of the place applauding them.

(all gasp)

Oh, my God!

We've been burglarized!

Well, we'll just have to get that $17 insurance check and start over.

Oh, my God, it's so creepy to think there were strangers in our house.

I've never felt so scared.

I have.

And now we wait.

Oh, no, they took my gym shoes.

Sorry, glutes, no blasting today.

They took my dirty rope that was tied in a knot!

They stole the chair I use in the shower!

They stole all my pens!

I... I don't have a lot of stuff.

Son of a bitch!

They also stole my sense of wonder.

(birds chirping)


Oh, this is horrible!

Maybe you guys were right.

Maybe our town has changed.

I know, it's awful.

Pretty soon, guys are just gonna be showing their boners to babies and stuff, I bet.

It's sad to think that Quahog isn't safe for families anymore.

I mean, all I ever wanted was to raise our children in a wholesome place, far away from all the crime and problems of the big city.

I'm reading you, Lois.

I'm reading you loud and clear.

(doorbell rings)

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

Um, I'm looking for a wholesome place for my family to live, so I'd like to buy your farm.

All right, well, the going rate for my farm is $875,000.

Uh... nobody called ahead?


Well, somebody... somebody from Fox was supposed to call ahead.

They usually take care of it, and then I just go ahead and do stuff.

I didn't get no phone call.

(phone ringing)


Oh, yes.

Yes, that'll be fine.


Hey, Lois, you know how I'm always buying things impulsively?

Well, that's gonna be very hard to do now that we're living on a farm.

What? What are you talking about?

Um, a farm, Lois.

It's where vegetables live.

Peter, you went out and bought a farm without even talking to me about it?

Well, Lois, in my defense, I have nothing to back up the beginning of this sentence.

I can't believe this.

And it's not like it's the first time you made a big family decision without consulting me.

(quietly): Yes, I'd like to see your quietest doctor.

Peter, where'd you even get the money to make that kind of purchase?

I sold the house.

And I did it on Craigslist, so I also made a dangerous friend.

What? How could you sell the house?

Spooner Street is our home!

I mean, I have three aprons that say "Quahog."

What do you want me to do, start all over?

Lois, you were saying yourself how you want our kids to grow up in a wholesome place away from the big city.

I... I did say that.

And, Chris, you been telling me how you wanted to watch animals humping other animals what might not be okay with it.

That's true.

And, Meg, you yourself said lip gloss unicorns Channing Tatum something something bullcrap.

You were listening the whole time?

Don't you see, you guys?

I did this for the family.

Just think of this farm as our next great adventure.

Like when we tried to invade the city of Troy.

Peter, I don't think this is the right horse.

I am 100% positive this is the right horse.

Come on, guys, what do you say?

Will you join me in eating eggs fresh out of a chicken's butt?

Yay! Now I can be one of those filthy teens with sad eyes at a farmer's market!

Well, with what's become of Quahog, maybe it is time to make a change.

I'm in, Dad!

Me, too!

All right, let's do it.

Hey, what's going on?

Well, we've made a decision as a family, Brian.

We've decided to take you to a nice, big farm upstate.


A farm with big open fields, Brian, where you can just run and run and be free and no one will ever hurt you.

Doesn't that sound wonderful, Brian?

Are you ready to go to the nice farm?

No! No!

You'll never take me alive!


Okay, I am at full candy corn right now.

(chickens clucking)

Here we are, everyone.

The Griffin family farm.

Wow, look at us, Brian, frontier people.

I feel like those miners who first struck gold in San Francisco.

Oh, my God, we did it!

We struck gold!

This is amazing! We're gonna be rich!

Rich and gay.

Come here.


(cows mooing)

Peter, what are you doing?

Well, Lois, a big part of owning a farm is crossing a road very slowly with cows.

Okay, okay, Bessie, now.

Get yourself out there. Easy does it.

(tires screech, horn honking)

Hey, come on, man! I got to get to work!

And so do they, sir.

Hurry it up!

Wait a second.

Now get in line, you!

Hey, I thought I told you kids to go plow in the field.

But, Dad, we've been plowing all morning.

Yeah, I can't take any more plowing.

I can barely walk.

Look, I know it seems like dirty work, but, Chris, you got to spread that seed until your sack is empty.

And, Meg, you got to clear away all that brush so he can plant it deep where it needs to be.

Okay, we'll keep at it, but I think that hoe is pretty much worn out.

Well, flip it over; you can use both sides.

(kazoo plays)

Peter, there's a guy standing out in the yard.

Oh, yeah, that's Larry.

Part of being a farmer is having a best friend named Larry who I spend huge amounts of time with, but never actually talk to.

♪ Ooh, you make me live now, honey ♪

♪ Ooh, you make me live

♪ Oh

♪ You're the best friend

♪ That I ever had

♪ Been with you such a long time ♪

♪ You're my sunshine

♪ And I want you to know

♪ That my feelings are true

♪ I really love you.

Peter, I'm dying.

This is the last time I'll ever see you.


Peter, I've been running the numbers on this farm, and we're in deep trouble.

We haven't grown a single crop to sell.

And meanwhile, you're spending half our money down at the General Store, and the other half at the Specific Store.

Do you have almonds? What kind of almonds?

Marcona almonds. From what region?

The Basque Region.

The Basque Region's pretty big.

North? South?

Southern Basque.

How much should each almond weigh?

Point eight ounces?

Sorry, we only have point sixes.


PETER: Yeah, hi. Do you have stuff?

STOREKEEPER: Yeah, we have stuff!

And is it true that you've been spending the farm's money on gingham shirts you tie into a knot to expose your belly?

I bought a couple.

Well, with all this debt and no income, there's no way we're gonna be able to keep up our bank payments.

Peter, if something doesn't change, I'm afraid we're gonna lose this farm.

Great, just what I need on my conscience: another failed business.

Hi, I'd like to rent The Proposal.

Hang on, let me check the return slot.

I'm sorry, it hasn't been returned yet.

I have a poster from The Proposal you can look at.

You'll get most of the story.

Huh. They seem pretty mismatched.

There you go.

Look, it's like I've been saying, farming is very difficult.

When? W-When did you say that?

Farming takes incredible skill and knowledge and the sort of specialized experience that takes generations to acquire.

Dad, my favorite hen laid this crazy-looking egg!


What's your point, Brian?

My point is that maybe I should go to the local state college and take some agriculture courses.

With the proper training, maybe I can actually learn something that will save this farm.

Wow, Brian, that's a great idea.

And, hey, maybe I could give the speech at your graduation.

I'm really good at that.

And so, as I look out at your smiling faces filled with hope, all I can think is, you are completely screwed.

As Martin Luther King once said, "Ouch, I've been shot."

Thank you.

Okay, that's all my stuff.

I'm off to State Tech Ag Central College Tech.

There's really two "techs" in there?

(sighs) The proudest day of a man's life is when his dog goes off to college.

I'll learn all I can.

And I'll see you guys soon.

Aw, he packed a guitar? What a douche.

Guys, what's that over there?

Oh, my God, it's a tornado!

And it's coming this way! We got to run!

Hang on, guys, it might just be the Tasmanian Devil.

Come on! Into the storm cellar!

MEG: What is this place? It's really dark down here.

PETER: Shh. MEG: What? Did you hear something?

PETER: No, I just want you to stop talking.

CHRIS: Wait, I think I found the lights.

Wh-What is that?

Aw, sweet! It's some kind of lab.

Hey, maybe it has one of those things that goes...

(imitates electricity humming)

'Cause that's important for science.

Look at all this stuff.

Burners, plastic tubing.

12 cases of cold medicine?

You guys...

I think this is a meth lab.

Oh, my God.

You mean like as in...


Aren't those I-L-L-E-G-A-L?

What's going on?

What are you guys talking about?

Uh-oh, someone's getting cranky.

I think he needs an N-A-P.

What's happening? Where are you taking me?

Man, I got to crack this code.

Oh, my God!

You guys, there's a fully functional meth lab in our basement.

Boy, we should clean this place up.

It's a meth.


Oh, right, you're at college.

We have to call the police.

Whoa, whoa, hang on, Lois.

Now, I know you're freaked out, but when you really stop and think about it, this meth lab is our family's best chance to make meth in a lab.

What... what are you talking about, Peter?

I'm talking about saving the farm.

Don't you see?

This lab is just what we need to get back on our feet.

No way, Peter.

Dealing drugs is morally wrong, not to mention incredibly dangerous.

Come on, we've always been risk takers.

You remember when we did it in the bathroom at that restaurant?

I can't believe we're actually gonna do this.

Yeah. You go in first, and I'll go in a minute.

PETER (moaning): Oh, wow!

Oh, my God!

Oh, this is amazing!

You dirty girl.

Peter, I haven't left yet.

You sick whore.

Look, it'd just be temporary, Lois.

Just for a bit, just till we get the farm back on its feet.

Till we get our family back on its feet.

I don't know... Lois, we've always given our family whatever it needs.

Well, right now, our family needs us to sell illegal drugs to the tank top community.

What do you say?

All right, Peter, we can make one meth, and that's it.

And it's only because I don't see any other way out of this.

Thanks, Lois.

Oh, this is gonna work out great.

Hey, are you guys gonna feed us anytime soon?

No, sorry, we're doing meth stuff now.

I'll eat that.

You just got clean.

Everyone, now that I'm a meth dealer, I'm going to respond violently to outside noises that the rest of you don't hear.

Uh, okay, Peter, but I...

What was that?!

Dad, I think that was just a cricket.

Then what the hell was that?!

That was just me saying, "That was just a cricket."

Dad, settle down.

There's no one out there, Peter.

You sure?

Yeah, yeah, you're right, it's probably just a--

Did you guys lock the truck?!

Dad, we don't even have a...

What the hell is going on out there?!

Come on out, whoever you are!

I want to show my kids what it looks like when a bitch dies!

Peter, there's no one there.

Well, maybe I should just fire a couple of rounds into the darkness.

Don't hear those crickets no more.

I'm not... gonna make it.

You hang in there, you hear me?

Listen to me.

I want you to take care of my kids.

I will.

And I want you to be there whenever there's a bad joke.

Let them know. Let them know.

Gee, I hope I didn't scare the cows.

I don't want to put them in a bad mood.

(cricket chirping)

(chirping, sobbing)

(bird coos) What's that, Dad?

It's my new meth distribution system.

I've trained this carrier pigeon to do all my deliveries for me.

Fly away, Benjamin!

Ah, perfect, perfect.

Now this is the money I owe Peter.

I want you to take it back to him.

Do you understand?

♪ Round and round

♪ With love, we'll find...

Yes, hello, I'd like to buy 400 blister packs of Actifed, or similar pseudoephedrine-based decongestant.


I have a cold.


Hang on, let me check something.

Okay, you're fine.

Be right back.

Well done, Stewie.

That could've gone really wrong.

Like that Kid Rock concert.


Oh, my God, help!

He's having a heart attack!

Is anyone here a doctor?!

No (bleep) way someone's a doctor here.

Hey, everyone, I'm back!


What the hell?


(muffled): Hey, Brian's home!

What the hell is going on?

Nothing, nothing.

Just working on a family project.

Getting in some together time.

I have a crossbow!

Chris has a crossbow.

Okay, well, uh...

I'm back from agricultural school, and I might have the solution to our farming trouble.

I brought some heirloom tomato seeds.

That's nice, Brian.

Here's a new kind of meth you put in your pee-hole.


Oh, yeah, we're meth dealers now.

Yeah, you missed it.

My teeth came in and then fell out again.

I don't believe this! Are you guys insane?!

We're rich is what we are!

Look at all that cash, Brian.

(stammering): He don't get none of that!

He wasn't here for it!

Well, this is just great!

I turn my back for a month, and this place turns into a drug den!

For your information, it is also a drag queen hangout.

Hey, look, our meth is on the news!

Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story: Methamphetamine is flooding into Quahog in epidemic amounts, and is believed to be originating from the nearby rural community of Farmton.

Farmton-- that's the name of the place we live.

I forgot to mention that earlier.

For more on the story, we now go live to Asian correspondent Tricia Takanawa.

Tom, meth is fine! Everything's fine!

Go back to your own business!

Thanks, Tricia.

She's doing fun things for me, for money.

Oh, my God.

We're hurting our own hometown.

All those drugs that are flooding into Quahog are from us.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if we're dealing so many drugs to Quahog, why is the Quahog envelope so light this week?

Yeah, I say we go down there and talk to those people in Quahog.

No! This is what I'm talking about.

Meth has turned us into monsters.

Lois, take it easy. No. You know what?

This is my own fault for listening to you.

I forgot you don't even know your ass from a hole in the ground.

Is that... is that my ass?

Lois, where the hell you going?

I'm going back home to Quahog, where I belong.

If any of you want to come with me, you're welcome to.

First of all, you sat in something green and it's on your butt, so no one's gonna follow you.

And second, no one's gonna leave a place where there are tons of beakers for a place where there are zero beakers.

Peter, don't you see?

We left Quahog because of the crime problem.

But now we've become part of that problem.

Yo, what is this bitch trippin' about?!

Look at our lives, Peter.

Look at our family.

I don't recognize us anymore.

It's time to go back to Spooner Street and be the Griffins again.

Let's go, Peter.

Let's go back to Quahog.

But... but what about this farm?

And this house?

And the lab inside the house, which is currently producing an incredibly volatile and explosive batch of thermo-reactive chemic...

There were a lot of Rottweilers in that house.

Well, it's good to be back in our old house.

How did we get this place back, by the way?

Well, luckily the value of this place plummeted because this is a meth town now.

You know, I think the lesson here is that if your community has problems, you don't abandon it.

It's better to stay put and help fix those problems.

That's right, Lois, 'cause wherever you run to, your problems have a funny way of finding you.


WOMAN: Hey, are you guys in there?

Peter, I need a taste!

Oh, my God, it's Jodie Sweetin.

Quick, everyone lie on the floor.

JODIE: Peter, come on! I've got Maureen McCormick with me.

She'll let you finish anywhere.

Okay, everyone hide upstairs. Daddy's gonna take care of this.