Family Guy S11E21 Script

Roads to Vegas (2013)

Thanks for encouraging us to come to Gay Pride Day, Brian.

Yeah, this seems like it'll be fun.

Real fun, not "entertain- your-wife's-parents- while-your-wife- is-at-work" fun.

Laura gets home at 7:00, so I figure we can stare at our wine glasses till then.

So, uh... so, when... when do you guys think you're gonna die?

Wow, a parade.

It's like I'm walking past stuff, but I'm not going anywhere.

Look, there's the float commemorating sham marriages.

Sorry, this stomach thing is acting up again tonight.

Oh, and I'm going on a business trip to Mykonos for July.

And it says this next one is the "Shocking Reveal Gay Float."


I had no idea.

Hey, check it out.

There's an air show.

Oh, my God-- they're gonna crash!

No, no, don't worry-- it's a gay air show.

They're just gonna lightly touch tips.


Well, listen up, everybody, 'cause it's time for our grand prize drawing for those tickets to see Celine Dion live in Las Vegas!

DEEP VOICE (over speaker): Infertility!

Here we go!

Our grand prize winner is...

Brian Griffin.

(all clamoring)

Wow, I don't believe it!

Hey, congratulations, buddy.

You know, you're a lucky guy.

The only thing I ever won was an extra day of summer.

Okay, Peter-- one more day.


I saw what I look like in a car window, and now I don't want to go.

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Franklin and Bash with Indicators to Show Which One is Franklin and Which One is Bash.

Defensive blows to their heads were to send a message...

MAN: Oh, sorry, sorry.

"Help me get into used car sales."

Hey, Stewie, I don't know if you have any interest in this, but I was wondering if you want to go to Vegas with me and see Celine Dion.

Are you kidding? Of course I want to go!

Wow, these are good seats!

I know-- apparently they were donated by Goldman's Pharmacy.

Turns out Mort's cousin is Celine's opening act.

Really? What's his talent?

I understand he's a magician of sorts.

All right, for this next trick, I need a quarter from the audience.

Okay, thank you.

(rapid footsteps departing)

(door opens, closes)

(car engine revs)

(tires screech)

You almost ready, Stewie?

We should probably start heading to the airport.

Yes, I was gonna talk to you about that, actually.

Last night, I was thinking to myself, "Why fly, when we can get there instantly?"

What? What do you mean?

Well, you see, I recently completed construction on a teleportation device, and it occurred to me, this may be the perfect chance to try it out.

Wow, Stewie, that's incredible!

Oh, hey, guys.

Peter, what do you have there?

Give me the scissors.

I was just gonna make some masks!

Use your scissors.

They're not sharp!


So, what do you say?

Hmm, teleport to Vegas, huh?

All right, let's do it!

Okay, now, the device is powered by kinetic energy, so you've got to dance to make it work.

You, uh... really?

Yeah , you've got to dance.


What are you doing, you tool?

Do you know anything about science?

You just saw me program it.

What the hell, Stewie? It didn't work.

Hmm, that's odd.

It appears there may still be a few more bugs to work out.

Well, it was worth a try.

Oh, my God, Stewie-- it-it worked!

We're in Vegas!

Yeah, all right!

Well, let's hit the hospital, get checked for teleportation cancer and then party!

Well, since the teleportation machine failed to get us to Vegas, I suppose we should just catch our plane.

I'll repair it when we get back.

BOTH STEWIES: You know, this is going to be a good trip, Brian.

I really feel like fate is on our side.

Scissors are jerks.

And I'm a owl.

Oh, wow, look at that, Stewie.

Perfect timing.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Everything's just so beautiful here.

(groans) This is miserable.

Three-hour delay and a completely full flight.

Don't look at us, you (bleep) pig.

Take your Juicy sweatpants and your dirty pillow from home, and your bucket of Coke, and get the hell out of my sight.

What was her problem?

You see that, Brian?

That's going to be our penises later, right?

Stewie, that teleportation machine is amazing.

It's so great that we're already here.

Yep, drink it in, Bri.

Time to enjoy all the Bellagio has to offer.

Classic architecture.

Beautiful art.

Plus, the air is clean because they suck up all the cigarette smoke and dump it in the bad hotels.

Smell that, kids?

It's been in a rich person's mouth.

Hi. We're checking in-- Griffin?

Ah, yes.

I see you've requested a bed that's good for bouncing and jumping?

That is correct.

I am a businessman.

Just sign here, please.

And you can actually keep that pen if you'd like.

No way! Really?

Wow, you see that, Brian?

Good luck already.

You know, I know we're switching to a digital world, but I-I think this little guy's still got a place in it.

Hey, we should try one of those slot machines by the entrance.

You know, they always set those things to pay out more so they can lure people into the casino.

Well, that's a great idea.

Oh, my God-- I don't believe it!

Brian, we won!

We won the jackpot!

Oh, this is unbelievable.

I haven't had this much fun since I hosted the Oscars.

Good evening.

I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for women everywhere.

And also, the Jews.

Good night.

Oh, thank God, we're finally here.

That plane ride took forever.

Kind of weird they showed Flight 93 on Flight 93.

Hi. We're checking in-- Griffin?

Hmm, I do have a Griffin here, but that room was checked into hours ago. What?

Yes, and I'm afraid we have no other rooms available.

I see-- is there a less heavy person that could check again for me?

I'm sorry, we're all booked up because the Slut Convention's in town.

Slut Convention? Yeah.

They were promised a single millionaire, but it's really just a bunch of horny squirrels in a rich-guy suit.

(squirrels chittering) So... you made your money in business?

Where's your room, handsome?

(women screaming)

Can I at least have that pen?

No, that's Bellagio property.


Well, this sucks. Hey, I'm gonna go try one of those slot machines by the entrance.

They always set those things to pay out more so they can lure people into the casino.

(grunts) Damn it, Vegas!

Excuse me, where can I find some smoking Asians?

Oh, everywhere? Okay.

♪ Luck be a lady tonight

♪ Luck be a lady tonight

♪ Luck if you've ever been

♪ A lady to begin with

♪ Luck be a lady tonight

♪ Luck let

♪ A gentleman see

♪ How nice a dame you can be

(both laughing)

Oh, my God, this place is a dump.

Well, let's not be so quick to judge.

It says here there's a continental breakfast.

Oh, the continent is Africa.

Stewie, this place is a complete pit.

I mean, doesn't it seem weird to you that we have to re-check-in every 20 minutes?

Also the porn is free, but we have to watch it in the lobby.

Okay, let's see if we can turn this trip around.

I'm gonna try some blackjack.

Here, take $40.

I'm gonna go get some ice cream.

All right, I'll catch up with you.

Hey there...


How you doing today? I don't know.

I usually have to check with my boyfriend first.


Uh... hit, please.

24? Crap!

Do you know what it's like to go to the doctor and see your own foot in the garbage can?

Okay, you have a good night.

Hey, Stewie, I need some more money.

I lost it all, Brian!


Well, I was on my way to get ice cream and I passed a roulette table, and I put it all on 16 because of that Taylor Swift song, "Sixteen."

That song is called "Fifteen."

It came up 15!

Stewie, that was all the money I brought.

I knew I should've brought Peter instead of you.

Oh, come on, you would've done much worse with him.

He's got a terrible tell.


("Stars and Stripes Forever" playing)

Any cards, Peter?

No, I'm good.

Oh, this is gonna be great.

I hear she puts on an amazing show.

She does-- you'll be amazed that that voice comes out of that face.

Oh, thank God, we made it in time.

I didn't realize how far that awful hotel is from the Strip.

The woman who cleaned our room had no ears.


I'm sorry, these tickets are invalid.


It's showing that they've already been scanned.

I can't let you in.

Oh, this trip has been a disaster.

I know. I actually thought I was gonna win big and get that plastic surgery I always wanted.

Oh, my God!

Look at him.

He's so cute.

I'm small, so this is okay.

(sighs) You know what, screw it.

I say we just cut our losses and fly home.

Yeah, I'm not so sure about that.

What? Why?

Well, I may have...

And-and you are gonna laugh about this, if I know your dark sense of humor, but I may have gambled away our plane tickets.

You what? How do you even do that?

It's Vegas, Brian. You can gamble anything.

(ball falls)

I'm sorry, it's 31.


How's it going here?

Not great. I know what you mean.

We just took a pounding at the craps table.

Look, why don't we just call Lois and the fat man?

Maybe they can help us.

I don't know about that.

You know that 500 bucks we lost?

I sort of took that from Lois without asking.

If she finds out it's all gone, she'll kill me.


My buddy's got the inside track.

It's a sure thing.

I like how all your teeth are different shapes.

Why are you telling us this?

What do you want from us?

Honestly, I'm trying to sell my condo, and I need people to come to the open house and talk about how nice it is.

Wow, the price per square foot is quite competitive with similar homes in the area.

Yes, I also love it.

I will likely purchase it unless others put in a rival bid.

Well, what's stopping you?

You know, you've always been so noncommittal in our relationship.

Do know how much it hurt my feelings when you paused before introducing me to your parents?

And it's the same reason you didn't take that job in Denver.

I'm sorry I didn't mean to waste your time.

I just remembered my husband is a total chicken (bleep).

I'm not 100% sure what we're doing any more.

It's like I say, the best thing you can see in Vegas is bar, bar, bar.

Yeah, and he's not talking about slot machines.


Stewie, I'm still not sure this is a great idea.

Relax, Brian; we're betting on one basketball game.

That's it.

Then we'll be out of debt and on our way home.

I suppose. I just wish we didn't have to borrow money from a loan shark.

I mean, that guy seemed pretty serious.

Okay, and just a couple of remaining items.

Please indicate here if I look like a schmuck to you.

I'm gonna say no.

Great. Then please check here and initial there.

Uh, next, do you think this is some kind of game?

Um, no.

Okay, initial, please.

And finally, my date of birth.

ANNOUNCER: And 'll at it for us here (horn blows) with Duke losing by just three points.

We... we lost, Brian.

Oh crap, we're screwed.

Hey, Stewie, give me $100 from the backpack.

I want to pay a Wayne Neon look-alike to beat up a Rita Rudner look-alike.

I'll give you $1,000.

Pay him to beat up Rita Rudner.

Stewie, we got to get the hell out of here before that loan shark finds us.

Yes, you're right.

I've got a bad feeling, Brian.

I've got a good feeling, Brian.

I'm gonna get me that honey.

I say, Brian, this backpack feels a bit lighter than it did before.

Well, I wasn't gonna tell you till later, but I actually used part of my portion to take care of some personal business.

All right, fine.

(phone vibrates)

Hey, boss, it's me.

I just spotted those two idiots who borrowed all that money.

Yeah, well, now they're strutting around in flashy suits.

Don't worry; I'll get that money back no matter what, and for sure I'm not gonna stop first and get some crepes in the lobby.

Where can I get some crepes?

Hey, Stewie, thanks for coming with me.

This really has been an amazing trip.

Yeah, it's been great.

Um, listen, Brian, this might be a good time to tell you, uh, I invited, um, somebody to come to the room.

Well, what do you mean?

(pounding on door) Oh, that must be him now.

Okay, come on, you look nothing like your picture in the ad.

Shut up and give me the money!

What? What the hell are you talking about?

Okay, I'm starting to think you're not Apollo.

You bastards think you can just borrow a bunch of money from a loan shark and then waste it on tacky suits?

Tacky? Sir, I'll have you know I bought this in the lobby of a casino.

Well, don't shoot.

You must have us confused with somebody else.

We didn't borrow any money, I swear.

Sounds like somebody wants to die.

Aah! No, no! Stewie, just give him the money from the backpack.

Okay, okay. Don't shoot.

Wha... It's empty.

It's just Cheerios and coloring books.

What? Where the hell is the money?

Sir, we can't give you any money, but if you've got some milk and a bowl, we can give you a pretty healthy way to start your day.

All right, enough of this.

You, dog, pick which one of you two is gonna die.

What? You can't ask me to decide something like that.

The life of every being is sacred, just like the life...

Fine. I'll kill you.

No, no, kill him. He's a baby.

He-he won't even remember he was alive.

You son of a b...

(gunshot) Aah! Stewie!

Now, get us the money you borrowed.

Oh, my God, Stewie, no!


Yeah, I was booked for three hours by Archibald Meatpants.

He's... he's dead.

Okay, well, either way, I'm getting paid, and somebody's getting torn open.

What the hell are we gonna do, Stewie?

We have no money, no way to get home, and one of the loan shark's goons is probably gonna bust through that door any minute and kill us both.

I wish my daddy were here.

He always knows what to do.

(engine starts)

Oh, son of a bitch.

Well, I better leave a note.

It's the right thing to do.

God, I've never felt so hopeless.

I mean, what are we supposed to do?

Just wait for them to come kill us?

Well, we could go on the run.

With what money? And they'd still find us.

Well, why don't we just hitchhike home?

Even if we could get back there, we'd just be putting the whole family in danger.

(sighs) I don't see any way out of this.

Well, there is one thing we could do.

What? What's that?

We could go out on our own terms.

What? You're saying we should kill ourselves?

Well, think about it.

We're stuck here, just waiting for some mobster to do it.

At least this way, we can go out together.

But think about what you're saying.

Brian, we're dead no matter what.

At least this way, it'll be quick and clean.

Well, not clean for the staff of the hotel, but that's not really gonna be our problem anymore.

I-I don't know.

Look, it's not like we've got a lot to live for.

I mean, I'm just gonna end up like Chris, only I'll be smart enough to realize how miserable I am.

And you've only got a few good years left anyway, and that's if we even get out of here alive.

(sighs) All right, Stewie.

Let's do it.

Yeah, see, I'm glad you came around.

You know, the only thing that was holding me back even a little is knowing how much Lois is gonna milk this.

Everyone, I truly want to thank you for your support and remind you that, as far as casseroles go, we're good on pasta, but we could use some more dessert items.


Oh, I miss my baby so much, and I'm more of a chocolate person than a fruit person.

Well, this is it.

I guess so.

Count to three?


BOTH: One, two...

Three! I'm sorry.

I can't. I want to live!

I didn't really think we were gonna do it.

You dick!

Oh, my God, Brian!

Brian, no!

Good Lord, what have I done?

I better get the hell out of here.

What the deuce?

Where did this come from?

Well, looks like Archibald Meatpants is gonna have a fun night.

One-way to Providence, please.

Yeah, how much to get to Providence?


Stewie, what the hell?

But how can you be...

(gasps) Oh, my God.

C-Could it be?

What the hell is going on?

My teleportation machine worked.

Of course it did; that's how we got here.

No, that's how you got here.

I flew.

The machine must have created two pairs of us-- one that was teleported to Las Vegas and the other that wasn't.

You're kidding. That's unbelievable.

I know, it... Wait.

Where's the other me?

Oh, um... What?

Where is the Stewie you came with?

Oh, well, th-these thugs came to shoot you, and I tried to throw myself in front of the bullet, but it must have gone, like, under my armpit or something

'cause it-it exploded your face.

Wait, what about the other me?

Oh, it was so sad.

You took your own life.

I tried like hell to talk you out of it, but you jumped off a balcony.

People keep coming back every hour because they think it's a regular show, like-like the volcano or the pirate ship thing.


Well, I-I'm so glad you're alive.

Yeah, same with you.

Well, we should probably head home.


Um, uh, the only thing is, I'm a little short.

Is there any chance you could cover me for the ticket?

Oh, let me see how much I have.

Good news! I have just enough.

ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Now departing for Providence.

Hey, did you guys see O?

No, that seemed lame.

You know, the other you was a lot more fun.

Which one is O?

Is that the-the swimming one?

Don't-don't try to demean it.

How does it feel to be the least cultured person at a bus station?