Family Guy S11E22 Script

No Country Club for Old Men (2013)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hey, Brian, have you seen the remote?

I want to watch The Weather Channel.

There are tornados in the Midwest, and I like watching poor people scramble to save what little they have.

Uh, I don't know where the remote is.

All right, I'll find it myself.

Oh, my God, my old harmonica!

I'm gonna play this really loud tonight to get back at our Armenian neighbors.

(kids laughing inside, knocks)


Hey, looks like a fun party.

Um, hey, listen, it's 2:00 in the morning.

Uh, when is your five-year-old gonna go to sleep?

Soon, very soon.

You want weird food wrapped in weird leaves?

Yeah, look, I'm guessing there's some kind of soccer match from your home country going on, and I get that, I do.

But, uh, some of us are trying to sleep, and I could almost deal with the noise, but it's the cologne, all right?

I can smell it in my bed, and I live two houses from here.

That's how powerful it is, okay?

That's how powerful it is.

You like it?

Yeah, I kind of like it.

Okay, so I know you're a harmonica, but right now you're a 40-year-old woman with a good body in a hotel pool.

(high-pitched voice): Hey, everybody, look at me.

I work out seven days a for these five minutes.

Your attention is going to keep me from swallowing a bottle of pills.

LOIS (in distance): Hey, everyone, I made brownies!

(gasps) I better hurry up.

I'm gonna miss the show.

(crying): What did I do?

What did I do?

I love brownie day.

Hey, so, uh, I'm digging a hole under the fence in the backyard.

Brian, you have a car.

You don't have to escape.

Just don't (bleep) say anything, okay?

Oh, you know what, hang on, I left my harmonica in the tub.

I think Peter's in there taking a bath.

PETER: Aah! Son of a bitch!

What the hell did I just sit on?

Where is it? Where's my harmonica?

It's not here!

Peter, have you seen Stewie's harmonica?

It was in the tub.

Oh, my God, it was in the tub, and now it's in my butt!


Stewie, Daddy needs your tiny hands for a very special project.

Well, good heavens, that's something, isn't it?

By the way, Mr. Griffin, regarding your X-rays, we're making a coffee table book.

Can you sign this release, please?

Okay, but first can we address my husband's situation?

Well, the harmonica's up there pretty good.

Unfortunately, removing it would require a very expensive surgery that's not covered by your T.G.I. Friday's gift card.

(harmonica plays, giggles)

What was that? I don't know, (sniffs) but suddenly it smells like John Popper in here.

That was me. I got musical farts.

(plays a scale)

(giggles) Holy crap, this is awesome.

I will not allow this opportunity to go to waste.

Hey, Lois, how was your day?

Terrible. I accidentally backed over a kid in the grocery store parking lot.

(plays blues riff)

Peter, I'm serious.

I ran right over the soft part of the face.

I had to run away.

I ditched the car and jumped on a passing train.

(plays Western music)

I was so scared.

I didn't get off until I was in the South.

(plays "Dixieland")

What'd you do today?

I pushed a boy behind your car so I could do all this harmonica stuff.


(whispering): All right, Chris, Meg loves to listen to music when she sleeps.

Let's see how she likes this.

Uh, Dad, I don't think that's how it works.

This had nothing to do with the harmonica.

Everybody, brace yourselves, 'cause I have got big news.

I have been selected to be a contestant on America's Got Talent!

And they're gonna fly us all to America for the show!

What?! Oh, my God!

(Italian accent): Finally, we make'a da dreams come true in America!

I am gonna make this family proud, and not just you guys, but that old painting of my ancestor in the attic.

I did it! I'm gonna be on TV!

Did you kill the others?

I shan't! You must.

(sighs) I'm gonna go talk to the statue in the basement.

Did you kill the painting?

This place is a nuthouse.


Yo, welcome back to America's Got Talent!

Let's welcome our next performer, here to play the harmonica, Peter Griffin.



So, where are you from, Peter?

Um, I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island.

(Lois whooping)


(chuckles): That's my family.

My wife daytime drinks on vacation.

Okay, Peter, let's hear what you've got.

("Sanford and Son Theme" playing)

(snapping to music)

(harmonica playing)

(harmonica continues)

Wow, he's nailing it.

I know, shut up.


(farts, music stops)


Well, there goes my music career.

I wonder if I can get my old job back painting kids' faces at birthday parties.

There you go, Timmy.

Sir, you're gonna have to leave.

You're just drawing penises with a Sharpie on children's faces.

I don't know how to draw a cat.

Hi, I'm Amanda.

I'm Chris. You look nice, so I'll blow my burps the other way.


You're funny.

Oh, thanks.

Usually people just find me awkward.

I have a hard time with small talk.

Did you find everything you were looking for?

Eh, I did all right for a guy who just had his first homosexual experience with his guitar teacher.

All right, guys, keep an eye out for our stuff.

I got tired of not being able to find my bags, so I tied a vaguely Hanna-Barbera-looking character to it.

This trip was imposserous!

There we go.

I really enjoyed sitting next to you on the plane, Chris.

Me, too.

I'm sorry I screamed when that guy from India got up to stretch.

Look, I'm having brunch tomorrow with my grandparents at the Barrington Country Club.

Maybe your family could join us.

Okay, that sounds like fun.

Oh, my God.

Chris is dating a Barrington.

Who are the Barringtons?

They're the richest family in all of Rhode Island.

(gasps) I must notify Gossip Girl!

"Pass this along to Gossip Girl."

(phone vibrates)


(phone vibrates)


(phone vibrates)


(phone vibrates)


(phone vibrates)

It's me. I'm Gossip Girl.

I still can't believe Chris is dating a Barrington.

They own this whole club.

Yeah, look at all this luxury.

It's like being in a gay guy's dream.

Enjoying the view?

It's glorious, Edwin.

Would you like another salad bowl of chocolate-covered oysters?

Is that gay enough?

And then some.

This has been the gayest vacation I've ever had.

I love smelling me on your breath.

Peter, what are you doing here?

You're not a member!

And that means me and the other jocks get to throw you in the pool.

Hey, Banks, Duffy, get over here!

This guy's going for a swim.

Grab him!


All right, you're kind of heavy, so-so-so we're gonna pee on you.

(zippers zip)

Not happening.

All right, all right, we'll just spit on you.

(lips smacking)

Oh, nothing we have works.

Daddy, we're here to have brunch with the Barringtons.

The Barringtons?! How is that possible?

That family is the pinnacle of high society.

They-they haven't worked in eight generations.

All the kids have drug problems.

Most of them have O.D.'d.

That's terrible.

Well, not all kids make it, Lois.

Just ask the Sugar Smacks frog.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid you've lost two more.

What should we do about the graves?

Dig 'em.

You look really handsome today, Chris.

Thanks, Amanda.

STEWIE: Hey, Chris, say it.

I use Stewart Griffin Facial Cleanser.

Try some.

Give her the Web site.

No, no, no, th-th-that's something else.


Hey, listen, Mr. Barrington, y-your granddaughter ain't no tease, right?

'Cause Chris really wants to get in there.

Oh, you're a funny guy, Griffin.

I like that.

Oh, well, you should hear my prank phone calls.


Hey, is your refrigerator running?

MAN: Yes, it is.

Are your doors unlocked?

What? Why?

I don't know, they all kind of look the same.

What do you mean "they all look the same"?

Hey, there's all my favorite people!

Oh, no, not this suck-up.

What are we talking about?

Black people? Mexicans?

Jews? (laughs)

So good to see you, Barrington.

Hey, hey, where we going today, Reginald?

Huh? Huh? Where we going today?

You and me is pals, ain't we, Reginald?

Pewterschmidt, settle down!

I was having a nice conversation with Peter.

Uh, Peter, why don't you tell me more about your job.

You said you like to drink at work?

I do. Oh, me, too!

Me, too. I'll drink anything.

Even that hollandaise sauce. Give me that.


Hey, Brian, Meg's Benedict.

(forced laughter)

Oh, God. Ho, ho, ho.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. I'm sorry I even said it.

I'm so... It was a mistake.

It was a mistake. I'm sorry I said it.

Peter, why don't you and I grab some air, huh?

Daddy, you're making a fool out of yourself.

Why are you acting like this?

Look, I've been trying to get into Reginald Barrington's inner circle for years.

They've been the most elite family in this country ever since it was founded.

They were the ones who invented the buckle on the hat.

Hey, I like your zipper hat.

I like your zipper hat.

Morning, fellas.

Oh, that's gonna be a game changer.

Do you hunt, Peter?

Well, I went to three stores to find this shirt.

(laughs) Peter, you-you've got moxie.

I like that.

Hey, I've got moxie, too! Watch this!

♪ Carmen Miranda, Carmen Miranda ♪

♪ Was she a singer?

♪ Was she a dancer?

♪ Nobody knows

♪ They just remember the fruit. ♪ Pewterschmidt, you imbecile!

You think that's funny, wasting fruit?

There are people dying in hilarious places.

That is it!

You are officially kicked out of this club!


Griffin, we just had an opening.

Congratulations, you are now a member.

Oh, my God, really?

And to think, yesterday I was just a guy at home eating catnip.

Excuse me, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but you're no longer a member at this club.

Don't worry, he's my guest.

Now, look, Peter, j-just because you're a member now and I'm your guest, that doesn't mean things are gonna change between us, right?

No, no, of course not.

Excuse me a moment, Carter.

Hey, guys, I just bumped into Carter Pewterschmidt outside.

What a loser, huh?


Okay, when he wasn't looking, I stuck a springy snake in his wallet.

What? Aah!

And I switched out one of his eyeballs for a gag exploding eyeball.

What? That's impossib...


And then I paid a couple of Mexicans to run over him with their car.

I hope they don't just take the money and skip town.

Okay, you ready for some polo?

All right, this is more like it.

Where's Buttercup?

Oh, only members can ride Buttercup.

Guests have to ride Topsy the Roid Rage Horse.


Now, whatever you do, don't say his trigger word.

What? Aah! That's his trigger word!


Don't yell! His parents were slaughtered by yellers.

Just submit.

I am submitting! It's getting worse!

No, I mean really submit.

Okay, okay!

Oh, my God, I meant say you're sorry, not take off your pants.

Carter, what are you doing? Oh, my God!

And now that I've made you aware of the misunderstanding, you're still continuing with it.

Oh, my God! And I'm still watching.

What's wrong with me?

Oh, my God!

ANNOUNCER: We now return to Game of Thrones on BET.

I got a big-ass coat, chair to sit in, chalice cup of wine and a midget, but I ain't going out there with all them monsters out there!


Daddy, what happened to you?

I can't live without the country club.

You did this, Peter!

This is all your fault!

I like your hair. Well, Daddy, you've been treating Peter like dirt for years.

It's-it's choppier; it's more texturized.

Did you go to the Asian guy with the one name?

Well, now that you know how it feels, maybe you want to give him an apology.

You went to Taki, didn't you?

Look, Peter, I'm sorry for the way I treated you, but is there anything you can do to get me back in the club?

Well, I suppose I could talk to Barrington.

Really? Oh, Peter, you don't know what this means to me.

Oh, you know, I was so desperate there for a while, I even tried a Jewish club.

Oh, you don't want to get involved with them religious groups.

They believe in all kinds of weird stuff.

If I believe in Jesus hard enough, I will not die.

If I believe in Snake Jesus hard enough, he will die.

If I believe in Tree Jesus hard enough, both of them will die.

(thunder booms)

Yay! Thank you, Tree Jesus!


Hey, Mr. Barrington.

Oh, hello, Peter.

I'm so glad you're here.

We're shooting bald guys under five-seven today.

Hey, there's the guy who denied my health insurance claim.

Sir, your nipples are fine!

You don't need to reconstruct them!

I want Hershey Kiss nipples, and I want you to pay for them!

Look, Mr. B., if it's okay with you, I'd like to give my membership back to Carter.

I'm sorry, Peter, but I just don't think Pewterschmidt is country club material.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm about to shoot Michael Stipe.

(chuckles) Is that...

Is that him in the corner?

Yes, that is him in the corner.

Is that him in the spotlight?

Would you... Oh, damn it!

Now he got away!

Oh, no... I said too much?

I want you out of here!

Look, Mr. Barrington, he's my father-in-law.

So if he goes, I go.

Fine, I don't care.

Your low-brow antics no longer amuse me, Griffin.

You're both out of the club.

Well, I guess that's it then.

Oh, there is one more thing, actually.

Can you talk to that angry little boy down by the river bank?

Uh, yeah, sure.

Hey, what's eating you?


Yeah, grown-ups suck.

Why do they get to make all the rules?

I know it seems unfair, but, hey, there ain't no rules in a tickle fight.

(laughter) Stop!

You're tickling!

Timmy, there you are!

Who the (bleep) are you?!

Get away from our son!

But Mr. Barrington told me to...

Who's Mr. Barrington?

From the club. What club?

You're in a lot of trouble, mister.


I'm sorry I got us both kicked out, Carter.

I was just trying to help you out.

Mr. Barrington told me I couldn't see Amanda anymore.

We never even got a chance to have sex.

Everyone knows rich, Waspy girls are the best at it.

I'm really gonna miss that club.

You know what part I liked the most?

Walking around the locker room naked and offering people sections of a tiny clementine.


Oh, thank you.


None for me, thanks.


Yes, thank you.

Clementine? Yeah, I'll have one.

Ooh, softly. Sorry.

(quietly): Yes, I'll have one.

There you go.

God, it's good to be old and nude.

Look, Carter, you can't be that surprised.

I mean, it's just human nature to suck up to the people above you, crap on those beneath you and undercut your equals.

Well, then we just got to figure out a way to make you fancier than Barrington, so he's got to suck up to you.

I don't know, Peter.

That'd be pretty tough to pull off.

We just got to be bold.

Like those backwards-knee birds.

Oh, what? What?

Oh, what? What are you looking at?

Oh, you coming for me?

No, no, I'll just take a big backward-knee step in the opposite direction.

Yeah, yeah, you think I'm afraid of you?

I slept on your back last night, you (bleep).

Yes, I'll have the filet mignon, and they can start the sunset now.

(helicopter approaches)

Someone important must be arriving because they're making a big entrance.

(bugle plays)

Announcing the arrival of His and His Majesty, the exceedingly wealthy and very important Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet, and Duke of Lacrosse Team.

Hello, I'm Reginald Barrington.

Where are you fine gentlemen from?

We are European, from the United Coloreds of Benetton.

But you don't sound like you're from Europe.

Is that so?

Well, perhaps I should take my thong elsewhere.

Well, let's not be hasty.

Your Majesty, won't you please join me as my personal guests in the Barrington Room?

The Barrington Room?!

Peter, that's the most exclusive room in all of New England.

Yeah, I hear it's even harder to get in there than the University of Arizona.

Well, it's beating.

Welcome to the Wildcats.

This is the Barrington Room.

Have a seat in the deepest, most luxurious leather chair in the world.

(sighs): Oh, that's nice.

Sir, may I offer you a shoe drink?

Why, yes, that'd be lovely.

(sighs): Ah, the finer things.

So, what brings you gentlemen to town?

We're here on business.

In fact, we just came from a meeting with the venerable Carter Pewterschmidt.

Outstanding man.

Really? Yeah, well, he used to be a member here, but he was very annoying.

Oh, my, that's-that's surprising.

I-I've heard he has quite the blue-blood pedigree.

You know, he got a piece of Jackie Kennedy before she was defiled by that hairy olive-eater.

Yeah, and-and he once made me a grilled cheese sandwich after this.

Well, I wasn't sure about Pewterschmidt, but after hearing you gentlemen talk, maybe I could give him another chance.

Really? Oh, wow!

That's great news, Carter. You're back in!

Hey, let's get a couple of girls and have seventh-grade-in- the-same-room-make-outs.

"Carter"? Wait a minute.

You're not Duke of Lacrosse Team!

And you're not Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet!


Come throw these frauds out of my club!

Damn it, Peter, you blew it!

(screams) I knew I couldn't depend on you!

You're not worthy to lick my designer shoes, you fat, low-life slob!

But, Carter, please!

Here, skip this rope and do a lively schoolgirl chant.

But, Carter, I don't know any city girl rhymes.

Do it!

(chanting): Lettuce, carrots, peppers and peas.

Your mother says to got to have these.

Now do it double time with new vegetables!

Cabbage, taters, spinach and peas.

You already said "peas"!

I don't know any more vegetables.

Wait a second, hang on there.

The way you abused that man just now, the way you treated your lesser--

I underestimated you, Pewterschmidt.

I thought you were just some suck-up loser, but you have shown me that you've got the mettle to be one of us.

You are back in the club.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Barrington!

Yes. Now, I believe there is just one last piece of unfinished business to take care of here.


I'm sorry, but the Viscount James Earl Tennis Racquet and Duke of Lacrosse Team already arrived two hours ago.

But that's impossible!

Peter, I'm sorry you've got to give up the country club life.

Oh, that's okay, Lois.

'Cause you know, I got to say, I don't think those rich guys have it all that great.

Too much stress.

You know, you give me the choice, I'll choose our life any day of the week.

Me, too, Peter.

Can I have $50 to get my hair cut?

Absolutely not. That's a waste of money.

I will cut it myself.


You look like garbage. What happened?