Family Guy S11E3 Script

The Old Man and the Big 'C' (2012)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Boy, what a great day for a baseball game.

Yeah, and these are the best seats in the house for catching home run balls.

Aw, that'd be sweet.

The only souvenir I ever got was at that stock car race.

All right, I got the guy!

I got the guy.

Man, I hate the Yankees.

Yeah! You are all villains to me because I happen to live in this region of the country. Yeah!

(crowd cheering)

What's going on? Did I miss something?

Nah, just some idiot streaking across the field.

Ha ha. You're all looking at my penis.

You didn't plan on it, but it's happening.

Oh, cool. Two spots opened up.

You, uh-- y-you go ahead.

I can wait. I might-- I might wait for a stall.

Oh, come on, Peter.

We're missing the game.


Hey. Hi.


PETER: Damn it. He already started.

If I don't start peeing soon, it's gonna be weird.

He'll be all done, and I'll still be here.

Come on, Peter. Pee.

Your dad fought in World War II, and you can't even pee in a urinal?

What the hell's wrong with you?

All set? Yup.


I know you didn't go.

I'm'a go pee in a stairwell.

STADIUM ANNOUNCER: Now batting for the Red Sox, number 34, David Ortiz.

Come on, Big Papi!

(crack of bat, crowd cheering)

It's coming straight for us!

I got it, I got it!

Mine! I got it! It's my ball Damn it, Brian! That came to me!

That's my ball!

(wind whistling) What?

Holy crap!

(crowd murmuring) (gasps)

(crowd laughing hysterically)

(slowly increasing horrified scream)

Wow, I guess all this time, Quagmire should've been saying "wiggity."

Ha! No, but he'sour friend.

TV ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for the Channel Five Sports Report brought to you by Kia.

Kia: Too bad it's a Kia.

A big day at Fenway today, as the Red Sox bested the Yankees seven to six.

But what really has everyone talking is the fan who lost his toupee at the game.

The hilarious video already has over two million views on YouTube.

Comments ranged from sympathy all the way to racial slurs directed at others who chose to comment.

Great, I'm a laughingstock.

What do I do?

Come on, Quagmire. It's not so bad.

You could kill yourself.

Well, it's just a thought, but have you ever considered just embracing your baldness?

Yeah, Brian's right.

You know, there's lots of big Hollywood celebrities who have gone bald with dignity.

John Travolta, David Spade, Nicolas Cage, Jeremy Piven...

And besides, don't you think you'll be happier just being who you really are?

(sighing): Maybe you're right. What the hell.

I mean, wh-what other choice do I have at this point?

Everybody knows now anyway.

Great. Trust me.

Nobody's gonna give you a hard time.

And even if they do, just ignore them.

That's what I do with that weekend bully.

Hey, your weekend sucks!

I've already gone on a hike and fixed a few things around my house!

What are you doing?!

Peter, who is that man?

I don't want to talk about it.

Dad, there's a weird bald guy out in front of our house.

Ah, that's just Quagmire.

He's acting all different now that he's bald.

I'll go talk to him.

Hey, slow down!

Drive like hell, you'll get there!

Quagmire, what the hell are you doing?

I'm just letting all these hot-rodders know that this is a neighborhood, not a speedway track.

Too fast, too fast!

Our children should not have to live in fear!

Okay, well, how come you're not doing this in front of your own house?

Oh, my ham radio interferes with the radar gun.

Talked to a fella in Papua New Guinea last night.

You should come by sometime and join in the fun.



Are you bald? (static crackles)


Can I help you?

Well, I hope you can, Sharon.

I'd just like to return this VHS copy of Pete's Dragon.

Watched, enjoyed and rewound.

Uh, there are a lot of people waiting.

Is there anything else?

Uh, yes. Do you have a garbage can back there?

I have the backings to some Fruit Roll-Ups I need to discard.

I'm sorry. That's for library trash only.

I understand. That's okay.

I'll just hold on to these for the rest of the day.

It ain't easy bein' green, huh? (weak chuckle)

That's from a song.

Is that all?

Yeah. Is there an age restriction for the sleight-of-hand magic show this afternoon?

Twelve. Ooh.

Maybe I'll just stand in the hallway and look in.

Now, we all saw you put your card back in the deck.

So, how did it end up... in your shirt pocket?

Oh, my God, how did he do that?

Oh, no, there's Quagmire.

He's been so weird lately.

You notice now that he's bald, whenever he thinks about something, he scratches his wrist?

Hey, Quagmire, we got a pitcher.

You want a beer?

Ehh, I don't think so.

I was planning on looking at pictures of birds later, and I don't want to be all fuzzy-headed for that.

Listen, Quagmire, we hate you now.

Yeah, you used to be fun.

Yeah, now you're always either preparing for a colonoscopy or just coming back from a colonoscopy.

The (bleep) going on down there?

Well, that's what we're trying to figure out.

Come on, we want our buddy back.

I'm not putting that toupee on again, Peter.

So... I-I'm not sure what you want me to do.

You could get a hair transplant.

Oh, yeah. Like one of those guys pretending to get out of the pool.

That looks all right.

Yeah, come on, Quagmire. Get the hair transplant.

Come back to us.

You're right. This isn't me.

Baldness is for women's crotches, not men's heads.

There you go, that's pretty gross.

Yeah, that's the spirit, Quagmire.

Oh, boy, listen, thanks for putting up with me the last couple weeks. Hey, no problem.

You put up with me when I was barefoot guy.

Boy, nothing like a beer with the fellas, eh?

Peter, would you mind putting on some shoes?

Oh, you mean foot prisons?

Yes, I would.

Glenn Quagmire?

Why does that name sound familiar?

Oh, yeah, I treated you for butt flu.

Hey, you want to keep it down?

Easy now. That's my privilege as a doctor to talk about that stuff.

How's it going, Dr. Kamada?



Oh, hiya, Rachael.

Oh, hey, Dr. Geller.




Geez, Joe.

Yeah, I come here a lot.

All right, I'm gonna hit the john.

Good. Me and Joe can stay here and tell secrets.

I'm wearing my dead grandmother's panties.

DOCTOR: I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Pewterschmidt, but the cancer is terminal.

If you're lucky, you've got two weeks to live.

I understand.

Oh, my God!

Carter's dying?!

I now declare this hair transplant officially over!

(fires gun)

Hey, hey, hey!

He's back!

You look great, Quagmire.

(pager beeping)

Oh, my God. One of my patients on Two has been shot.

Hey, Stewie.

Um, hey, what's up?

Were you-- were you just looking at Rollerblades?

What? No. Yeah, who cares?

What do you want?

Listen, I was at the hospital earlier, and I heard something I wish I hadn't.

Oh, please do not tell me it was a sexist remark, because... because that is not okay.

You know, those nurses are busting their asses, weighing people and seeing how tall they are.

Stewie, I heard a doctor tell Carter he has two weeks to live.

What? Are you sure?

I saw it with my own eyes.

I gotta check this out.

Oh, my God, you're right!

He looks awful.


Wait, how are we seeing this?

Oh, I've got a nanny cam hidden inside his house.

Watching him nail his cleaning woman is how I'm learning Spanish.

Although I'm not sure what the Spanish word "no" means, because it doesn't seem to mean the same thing as it does here.

And the worst part is, I don't think Lois even knows he's sick.

Oh, this is going to destroy her!

Oh, just thinking about it makes me all giddy.

Like a group of women ordering dessert.

And then we have a chocolate, chocolate cake that's infused with chocolate served with chocolate ice cream and a molten chocolate topping.

We'll have one of those with four spoons.

More like four of those with one spoon for me!

(continuous, staccato, giddy laughter)

Oh, hi, Brian.

Hey, Lois.

Listen, I have something I need to tell you, but... it might be difficult for you to hear.

What is it?


I think your father is dying.

What?! (flashbulb pops)


Brian, what are you talking about?

Well, yesterday at the hospital, I heard a doctor tell him he has cancer... and that he has two weeks to live.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Daddy!

Yeah, I feel really horrible for you, and I hate to do this, but I'm trying to catch a 4:50 movie, and it's, like, 4:40 now, and, so, if I'm going to make it, I have to leave, like, now.

Yeah, this-this stinks, but I've already blown this guy off, like, twice, so...

I've been trying to call my parents all day, and I can't get ahold of them.

I'll tell ya, this obituary came out great.

"Carter Pewterschmidt died today of the disease cancer.

"In lieu of flowers, please send carnival rides to Peter Griffin at 31 Spooner Street."

If we get just one ride out of this, it will have been a success.


Wh-What are you doing here?

Mom, I've been trying to get ahold of you.

Is Daddy okay? Where is he?

Oh, he's fine, dear.

But now's not a good time.

He's very busy.

Look, I know something's going on.

I want to see him.


Well, look who's here!

Daddy! You're okay!

Of course I'm okay! Why wouldn't I be?

Well, Brian said you were dying!

And I finished a book!

I promised myself I'd work that in.

I-It's-- I might've jumped the gun.

I didn't finish it.

I'm so glad you're all right.

Brian, how could you get us all worked up like that?!

Yeah, shame on you!

Oh, you're gonna get it, Brian.

You are gonna get it when I drink.

What the hell's going on?

Last night, Carter was on his deathbed, and now he looks better than he ever did.

Well, they say laughter is the best medicine.

Maybe he went to a comedy club or something.

(audience laughing)

In my neighborhood, we didn't have no Kool-Aid.

We had food colorin' and water.

Mama used to call it "Fool-Aid."

(laughter) CARTER: No, I don't get that.

And everybody had an Uncle Earl.

You know, that uncle that sit around in the house all day in his underdrawers, saying he "between" jobs.

To be between jobs, you had to have had a job in the first place!

CARTER: That's accurate!

And Earl got that cell phone.

He on the Sprint plan.

When the bill come, he sprint.

CARTER: Yes! So many of them are delinquent in payment.

Rupert, move your legs.

I can see your balls.

Stewie, this is going to sound crazy, but I have a theory about what's going on with Carter.

Really? What is it?

Well, think about it.

If Carter Pewterschmidt, the dynamic chairman of Pewterschmidt Industries, were to fall ill or even die, the stock price would plummet.

I don't want you to think I'm not listening, but when's Christmas? Not for a while.

But what I'm saying is, I think Carter is sick or possibly even dead, and that the man we saw today was an imposter brought in to keep Pewterschmidt Industries' stock price up and to keep people from knowing the truth.

Boy, you are just going to keep on talking with that poppy seed stuck in your teeth, aren't you?

Anyway, what are you suggesting?

We can follow him, see if he's really Carter.

Okay, but I got to be home by 7:00.

I'm supposed to talk to the police about that shooting I witnessed.

Go Lord, are you all right?

If I die, leave two dollars worth of flowers right here.

Here's my fourth grade class photo.

Lean it against a cheap candle.

Well, should I call an ambulance?

No. Call Channel Nine.

And have a gap-toothed woman say, quote, "He never bothered nobody."

Okay, if this guy is an imposter, he's going to have to do everything Carter normally does.

We just have to wait and see if he slips up.

All right, here he comes now.

All right, Stu, now, if we can just...

No. What?

You know what you did.

Hey, wait a minute.

If this is an imposter, then this guy we're following never had cancer.

Yeah, so?

Well, you're a dog. Can't you just sniff cancer?

No, that's just a myth we started so we could stick our snouts in girls' boobs.

It's nice to have a clean bill of health.

Well, for now.

The key is weekly follow-ups.

You know, cervical cancer is also a problem.

My boyfriend thinks he might have prostate cancer.

Nope, doesn't.

Okay, now we've got him.

The real Carter would never go to a Starbucks.

He thinks they're too liberal and pretentious.

Coffee for Brent.


Latte for Cecil.



(laughs) None of those people are real.

I'm stealing all your sugar packets and napkins.

Woodstock's over, (bleep).

Wow. You certainly look a lot better than that walking corpse I saw last week.

Well, no one's ever going to see that again, I can promise you that.

I can't stress how important it is our secret be kept from the public.

I understand, sir.

And I assure you that Specimen Z is secure on level 12.

Did you hear that, Brian?

That "walking corpse" was Carter dying of cancer.

This guy is an imposter.

Oh, my God.

And I bet Specimen Z is the real Carter's body.

You two didn't hear that, did you?

BRIAN: Hey, buddy, we're... we're just trying to read the paper here.

I'll have you fired for talking to me like that.

I don't work here.

Then I'll have you killed. I want to die.

I hated that guy back there.

Okay, this is level 12.

There's the lab.

Let's get in there and find Carter's body.

Oh, crap, there's a keypad.

All right, we're just going to have to try and figure out the code.

When's his birthday?

I think it's in March.

Stewie, are you crazy?

That's so loud. The guards will hear.

Don't worry about it, Bri...

MAN: Hey, what's going on down there?


All right.

All right, now, where would they keep a dead body in a pharmaceutical lab?

(gasps) Brian, look.

That's it. I bet he's in there.

Oh, my God.

Specimen Z isn't Carter's body.

What is it?

Specimen Z is a cure for cancer.

Carter didn't die. He cured himself.

CARTER: Hold it right there. (both gasp)

Damn it, Brian. You broke into my lab.

And you didn't wear a suit.

Hey, why didn't he have to wear a suit?

See what you've started now?

Carter, you've found a cure for cancer?

Well, I didn't come up with it.

A couple of eggheads I hired did.

One of them's a Chinese.

Boy, I don't like those people.

But holy crap, wind 'em up and watch 'em go.

How long have you had this?

I don't know. When... when was that

"Who Let the Dogs Out?" song?

You've had this since 1999?

You know when "Who Let the Dogs Out?" came out?

It's a song about dogs and letting them out.

I could have you arrested for breaking in here.

Carter, you've discovered the holy grail of modern medicine.

Why the hell would you keep it buried like this?

I'll tell you why.

Because there's far more money to be made in treating a disease than in curing it.

Why cure someone of cancer in a day if we can treat them for a lifetime and bill them every step along the way?

What? That's insane.

Brian, it's so cold in here, look how big my nips are.

They're almost like a woman's.

Oh, look, I'm tugging at 'em and they're getting even bigger.

Carter, what you're doing here is criminal, and I'm going to tell the whole world about it.

Is that right? Who's going to believe you?

The Internet?

You'll be just another nut-job, left-wing blogger.


MAN: Everything's fine.

No, it isn't. Get in here.

Ah! Damn it! You bastards.

I don't know why you're surprised by this, Brian.

Big corporations never tell the truth. ok at the Kleenex industry.

Well, we had another good quarter.

I guess a lot of people are sneezing out there.

Jerry, I'm going to let you in on something, and it can't leave this room.

Our research shows the primary use of our product is sperm.


Yeah, and brace yourself for this.

The second biggest use is women crying about nonsense.

But I thought sneezing was...

Jerry, Jerry, it's sperm and nonsense.

I can't believe Carter would sacrifice millions of lives just to protect corporate profits.

Well, don't be too upset.

Old Stewie here snagged a little souvenir on his way out.

Oh, my God, Stewie.

You got the cancer cure.

How'd you manage to steal it?

Oh, it was easy-- I just took it while you guys were yammering on.

I swear, I felt like I was waiting for Lois to get off the phone.

Well, that is amazing.

All right, Bonnie.

Well, it was good talking to you.

No way. She did?

When did she say that?

You know what?

That doesn't surprise me. That's how she is.

Okay, then. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

All right, I'll see you Tuesday.

Oh, no. What happened?

(gasps) That's terrible.

Oh, my God, just awful.

Well, you give them my best.

Okay, I got to go.

Stewie and I are headed out to the beach.

Oh, I didn't tell you?

He's learning to swim.

Oh, I got him the cutest swim trunks.

At Kohl's.

You've never been to Kohl's?

Well, let me tell you about Kohl's.


All right, well, you know the mall with the Chili's?

It's across the street.

(gunshot, Bonnie shrieks)

Bonnie? Bonnie, are you there?

What happened? STEWIE: Let's go!

Oh, there you two are.

Lois, there's something incredible I have to tell you.

And there's something incredible I have to show you.

I learned how to do a somersault.

Did I do it?

There he is.


Daddy? What's going on here?

Brian here has stolen something very important from me.

Give it to me, Brian.

Lois, your father has a cure for cancer, but he won't release it because it's not profitable.

So I stole it.

Daddy, is this true?

Yeah. So what?

So I found the cure for cancer and didn't announce it.

Big deal. I also took a dump today and didn't issue a press release.

Oh, that's interesting, because I did.

Good for Peter.

It's about time the media covered something positive.

Daddy, you're the chairman of a billion dollar company.

You've got more money than anyone could ever spend in one lifetime.

Are you challenging me to a Brewster's Millions?

Is money all that you care about?

What if somebody close to you got cancer?

What if... what if the maid who raised you

'cause your parents were too wealthy and busy got cancer?

You mean Mamie?

Yeah. What if Mamie got cancer?

Mamie's not getting cancer!

Or how about one of us?

What if I got cancer or, God forbid, one of your grandchildren?

For once in your life, do the right thing.

All right, pumpkin.

I'll do it.

I'll do it for you.

You will? You promise?


I'll make the announcement tomorrow.

Oh, Daddy.

Thank you so much.

You're my hero.

Oh, that's her father?

Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story: a big announcement out of Pewterschmidt Pharmaceuticals today.

Company chairman Carter Pewterschmidt released a statement announcing the launch of a deodorant for the developmentally disabled called Slow Stick.

It's also edible because, you know, those people... don't, uh... don't know...

And now sports.

That's it? What the hell?

Where's the cancer cure announcement?

That son of a bitch went back on his word.

CARTER: Hello.

Daddy, we're all sitting here in front of the TV awaiting the big announcement.

Remember the one that's going to benefit all mankind?

The one you promised to make for me, your daughter?

I lied. (line clicks)

Lois, you can't stay mad at him.

He's rich and successful.

It doesn't excuse what he did.

It'll be fine.

He'll just do a magazine cover with a wink to who he is, and all will be forgiven.

Oh, Daddy.

I know. If he's such a bad guy, why's he on a magazine?