Family Guy S11E4 Script

Yug Ylimaf (2012)

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hi, there.

Hi. I'm Cindy.

The only way I believe I'm pretty is if strangers have sex with me.

Well, maybe I could help fill you up with self-confidence.


Hello there, sexy.

Hey, do you mind?

We were having a conversation.

My house has 8,000 square feet, zero bookshelves.

Wow, that's impressive.

I'm a writer, published twice.

I own a cinder block yard.

Have over 12,000 cinder blocks.

If you ever need cinder block, I can get you good price.

Thank you.

I-I have a six-CD changer, so you can pretty much fill the tray and create a world.

Come have sex with me.

My mother will make you farkshekoosh when we are done.



I have a time machine.

You do?

Yeah, you want to see it?

Yes, I want to see it!

Better luck next time, pal.

Some people got moves, others don't.

Been that way forever.


Me. Sex.

Him legend.


Why do you keep a sleeping baby in your time machine room?

I-I don't know, my decorator's terrible.


Where are we?

Ford's Theater, April 14, 1865.

Ooh, Valentine's Day.

How romantic.

Uh, yeah, sure, you know me.



(all gasping)

Oh, my God, the president's been shot!

If you ask me, the president's the lucky one.

How's that?

He doesn't have to sit through the rest of the show.

(both laughing)


(door creaks)


Yes, I'd like to return this printer.


HERBERT MORRISON: The frame is crashing to the ground, not quite to the mooring mast! Oh, the humanity!

And all the passengers screaming around here!

And just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, there's a dog having sex with a woman!

Oh, I know I said, "Oh, the humanity!" before, but seriously, oh, the humanity even more right now!

I mean, come on!

So that's what restaurants were like before desegregation.

It was quiet. It was quiet.

Wow, Brian, you've had quite a string of female guests spend the night lately.

Yeah, whatever you're doing, it's working.

You should see the way I have to pick up chicks.




Well, I guess you can call me the Man of La Muncha.


Hey, why does your time machine have a sticker that says "property of Stewie Griffin?"

Uh, well, I-I...


All right, to be completely honest, and because we've already had sex, it's not mine.

I use it all the time, and the owner has no idea.

In fact, he'd kill me if he knew.

Really? Won't he see that thing on the control panel that says "years traveled"?

What thing?

Here's where Brian goes berserk.


(yelling continues)

(yelling winds down)

Look, it's no big deal.

Just reverse it and take off the miles.

That's what I do when I take my dad's car out.

Are you... are you 16?

I will be next September.

Well, I think someone has a Barnes & Noble gift card coming for their silence.


(grunts, glass breaks)

(electrical hissing)

(high-pitched chirping)

(electrical hissing)

Brian, what the hell are you doing in here?

What's happening to my time machine?

I-I don't know, man.

I-I saw Meg leaving a minute ago, going, "Wah-ha-ha-ha-ha," but I-I don't know.

(loud, droning whirring)

(whooshing, electrical hissing)

(explosive pop, whirring)

Oh, my God, it's having a complete meltdown!

(electrical hissing, beeps)

(loud whooshing)


What happened?

I don't know.

(steam hissing)

Dear God, my time machine!

You, uh... you want to tell me about this?

See? I told you. It was Meg.

I don't think so.

The crotch doesn't look like a BMX track.

You bastard! You've been using my time machine to nail your bar skanks!

Oh, come on, they're not all bad.

Oh, yes, I've seen the women you bring home.

That stutterer? She was a real prize.

How are you enjoying your meal?

L-L-Lois, it's d-d-d-delicious.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Peter, why are you turning up the heat again?

Lois, this woman is obviously freezing.

Brian, I want you to tell me exactly what you did to my time machine.

Well, I didn't want you to find out I'd been using it, so I tried turning the chronological gauge backward.

It's not designed to go backward, Brian.

The question is, how am I going to fix it?

What the hell?

Dear God, everything's moving backward.

What? What are you talking about?

I don't know what the hell you did with all your messing around, Brian, but somehow my machine seems to have reversed the direction of time.

Reversed the direction of time?

Stewie, what does that even mean?

I don't get it.

Oh, ok, now I get it.

Stewie, you can't just change the direction of time.

H-How is this even possible?

Well, clearly, when you attempted to reverse the gauge on my time machine, you somehow released a quantum shock wave powerful enough to push the flow of time in the opposite direction.

I can only surmise that you and I were isolated from its effects because we were inside the machine at the moment of temporal inversion.

Are you... are you sleeping?

Huh? No, no, I... No, I was listening.

What kind of jerk alters time, and then falls asleep?

Look, I'm sorry, Stewie, but do you think you can fix it?

Well, it's gonna take a while to rebuild the machine, and even longer to recalibrate it for normal time, but I've taken on bigger challenges before.

I had to explain to America why Heidi Klum broke up with Seal.


There, now you've got a fresh new diaper, Stewie.

What are you talking about?

What's going on?

I think you're getting a diaper change.

Aah! Get that poop-filled thing away from me!

No! Oh, God, it's cold!

Whew! Smells like somebody needs a diaper change.

Damn right I do!

Now, get this turd-filled sack off...

Oh, my God, it just went back in my body.

Hey, look, what's wrong with Peter?


Oh, you smell that? He's passed out drunk.

Does no one in this house have any dignity?


Hey, Lois, I'm home from the Clam, and I'm horny.

(tires squealing)

(tires squealing)

Hmm. Seems like reverse time did that kid a favor.

I'm not so sure about that.

Stand up! You're gonna break that thermometer!

My God, it's... it's extraordinary.

They all seem to be completely unaware that anything is amiss.



"Your trash barrels were a little close

"to our driveway. Joe.

"P.S. Please close the windows

"when you're giving piano lessons.

My legs don't work, but my ears do."

Brian, what are you doing staring in Quagmire's window?

Man, watching sex in reverse is just bizarre.

God, where does Quagmire meet these women?


This is why Boxbuster went out of business.

Hey, what's going on over there?

(both gasp)

My God, look at all this devastation!

What the hell happened?

(whoosh, chicken clucks)


(clucks) (grunts)





(slow-motion groaning)


(high-pitched whirring)

(airplane engine whirring)

(tires squealing, thudding)



Okay, Seamus, today's the day you finally ask out that barista.

What's the worst that could happen?

You know, that chicken's kid is in my preschool class.

I don't really want to be friends with him, but he knows a lot of chicks.

And backwards rim shot.

(backwards rim shot)

Oh, Brian, this is gonna be more difficult than I thought.

Damn it, I hate these new stairs!


(bleep, bleep, bleep, bleep)

(thumping, bleep)

What are you watching?

Meet the Press; it's really weird.

In reverse time, the Republicans make outrageous statements and then the host asks an unrelated question.

Global warming is a myth.

God created everything, and the world is getting colder!

What is your tax plan?

That's odd.


Man, we got a large number of clovers on our lawn.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Oh, hey, Cleveland.

Australia, here I come.

Look at that, Brian.

Cleveland is back living across the street.

Cleveland left Quahog quite some time ago, yet we only just recently entered reverse time.

So what does that mean?

Well, it suggests that time may not simply be flowing backwards; it may, in fact, be accelerating.

Accelerating? Why would that be happening?

I'm not sure.

Have you ever heard of a phenomenon called time dilation, Brian?

Sure. No, you haven't.

Time dilation, in forward time, is a phenomenon caused by a variety of factors in which time moves more slowly.

In reverse time, it stands to reason that the same phenomenon would cause time to accelerate.

I'll have to consult my quantum calculations to try to isolate the factors responsible.

What the hell was that?

This is more intense than when I fought a rabbit in that karate tournament.

That's weird. You're doing reverse cutaways now?

What the hell is... (screams) What? What's the matter?

Dear God, I'm un-teething.

Brian, it appears the flow of reverse time is beginning to affect us as well.

What does that mean?

It means I'm going to have to relive everything.

Every painful, awkward moment.

Like that time I forgot what came after "G" and had to fake it.

♪ A, B, C, D, E, F, G...

♪ H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P ♪ Ah-blah, blah-blah, blah-nah-wah ♪

♪ Q, R, S, T, U, V ♪ Standing here with these kids ♪

♪ W, X, Y and Z ♪ Waiting for the song to end ♪

♪ Now I know my A-B-Cs ♪ Yankee Doodle went to town

♪ Next time won't you sing with me? ♪ ♪ Now I know my A-B-Cs.

(crying, groaning)

What the devil is that?

It's Peter and Chris.

Sounds like they're in trouble.


My God, why is there vomit everywhere?

Is that the Ipecac bottle?

Oh, no.

No, please, not this.

Oh, God, it's not gonna be coming out of us; it's gonna be going... (vomit noise)

Oh, dear God...


Aah! What the hell?

I don't wanna! I don't wanna!

Dad, I'm scared.


Oh, God, this is so disgusting.

I think I'm gonna puke.



Stewie, I don't care what it takes.

We have got to fix this.

We just ate so much vomit.

Brian, it gets worse.


Yeah, Bonnie's pregnant with Susie. So?

That means Susie's been un-born.

Oh, my God.

Stewie, you're not that much older than Susie.

Brian, if we don't find a way to push time forward again soon, I, too, shall be un-born.

♪ You've got

♪ The AIDS.

That guy's gonna feel so much better after we do what we got planned.

How much time do we have before you're un-born?

With the time acceleration, I'm not quite sure.

But trust me, I can feel myself getting younger.

All right.

The machine has been repaired.

Now all I've got to do is isolate the cause of the acceleration curve and see if I can duplicate the shock wave.


What's the matter?

I've regressed to my pre-ambulatory stage.

I can no longer walk!


My God, Stew, you look terrible.

Brian, I suddenly feel as if I've just been through some sort of major trauma.

Uh-oh. I think I know what that major trauma was.

(gasps) My birth.

Dear God, I've got to get out of here!


Oh, he's so cute.

Oh, my God, we're getting closer to the beginning.

You're Lacey Chabert.

Oh, boy, a baby.

I saw my Spanish teacher leave one of you in a trash can.

Brian, help!

Stewie, what do I do?

He's gorgeous, isn't he?

I want to be the baby!

Look at that head.

Well, Lois, this kind of completes your little carnival here.

Hey, little guy.

You ever need white, corner-of-the-mouth stuff, you come to your grandpa.

Stewie, this is your new home.

Brian, help! It's up to you.

You've got to restore the flow of time.

My life depends on it!

What? Stewie, I don't know how to fix that machine.

Trust me, you can do it.

You're so talented in so many ways.

Like what?

Like... You...

Just write down however you think you're talented, and I'll sign it.

Well, it's up to you, buddy.

Save this marriage.

Oh, my God, it's the greased-up deaf guy running backwards toward that grease truck explosion.

Oh, the grease burns so bad!

I can't hear!

(in deeper voice): Boy, I am late for that meeting.

Come on, math, you dick.

Come on, Brian.

(machine whirring)

All right, think, think.

What do I do? What do I do?

All right, could it be as simple as this?

"Invert time flow."




Oh, he's perfect.

Time of birth: 11:34 a.m.

Come on, Brian, hurry.


It's a girl!

With a penis and no vagina.


I think I can hear the ocean.

Smell it, too.

All right, what do I do?

Wait a minute, what did I do before?

That's all I have to do, right, is duplicate the circumstances, but do it the opposite way.

All right, I was standing right here, the machine was on, I broke the glass... and I turned the gauge backward.

Maybe if I turn it in the other direction.

(electrical buzzing)

Ooh, a quarter.

Who cares what that doctor found on my nuts?

This is a good day.

It worked.

I don't believe it. It worked.

Brian, there you are.

Where have you been?

Meg, where's Stewie?

Stewie? Who's Stewie?

Here it comes. Push, Mrs. Griffin.


You know what?

I take it back, those panties are gonna be in the way.

Okay, here comes the baby.


Bloody hell!

It's a boy.

(cheering) Oh, thank God.

Oh, he's so beautiful.

Mrs. Griffin, your husband's standing right here.

What should we name him?

I kind of like Brian's name: Stewie.

That's a wonderful name, Brian.


Hi, Stewie.

You did it, Brian. I've got to say, I didn't think you were gonna be able to pull it off, but you did it.

You saved my life.

And for that, I shall be forever grateful.

Hey, I couldn't imagine life without you, buddy.

You know, I forgot what a man cave I had in Lois's uterus.

While I was waiting for you, I was shooting pool.

Had to hold the cue at weird angles, but still.

Oh, Peter, isn't he amazing?

Is he smart, or is he... like me?

He's perfect.

CHRIS: You guys heard the baby talking in there, didn't you?

LOIS: Chris, that's ridiculous.